The Real Jesus - Rant J

[Zurtok Khan]

You see my friends, the bible has got it all wrong.  The real Jesus was not, white, and he wasn't Semetic either, unlike many people have been lead to believe.  All great philosphers are either Indian or Chinese.  In this case, he is a little bit of both, making him slightly better then usual.  

Jesus was, actually, a chinese chef.  Mostly his followers called him "Sweet & Sour Jesus" (eventhough his name was actually Joe and he was from China town).  He gained fame through his cooking, that whole fasting thing was actually just a diet he was on because he loved his cooking so much (if you think BGP is fat, then you should see Jesus before the diet!  Remember kids, never trust a skinny cook!) he could not stop eatting it!

Many of the things he said were actually recipes, not all of this mumbo jumbo in the Bible.  We owe the invention of Sweet and Sour Chicken (and pork, but don't tell the Jews!) to Jesus.  He also wrote the recipe for Orange Chicken that Panda Express uses today.

Mostly Jesus walked around (this was part of the diet plan a la Subway and that formerly fat dude Jared) giving food to people so that he wouldn't eat it.  Some people thought that this was all a good idea, but not good enough, so they started giving food to people along with a message (this is where fortune cookies come from) that would say "Be nice unto one another."  or "Give not the unhello to your neighbor!" or " Peace be with you when you've eatten at Sweet and Sour Jesus's place!"

Thee moral of the story is, think of Jesus when you're eatting chinese food, he probably invented the recipe.  Ohh, and share.

(This is just my conception of Jesus, which makes it right.  Which is, of course, the wrong answer!)

[East Coast Hustle]

When you steal phrases like "Sweet & Sour Jesus" from the Supersuckers, you make Eddie Spaghetti cry.

[Zurtok Khan]

I didn't still it, I came up with it independently!

[East Coast Hustle]

<--- Eddie Spaghetti