The Art of the Brag.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"There is no epilogue, unless you make it,
If you want your freedom, go and take it."
--William "Little Billy" Shakespeare
(had things turned out a little differently)

"And I will give him the morning star"
--St. John "Anything For A Laugh" of Patmos
(Revelation 2:28)

"Go, and never darken my towels again!"
--Groucho Marx
(Animal Crackers)

The establishment spends a great deal of it's time making sure we are sheeple.  Your egos are bruised everyday; from fitness magazines which make you feel (by comparison) like Don Knotts or Fatty Arbuckle, to action movies which make you realize what an indolent slug you are.  You are taught from the cradle that you simply aren't good enough, and you had better be GLAD for the few good things come your way...You obviously don't DESERVE them, so get back in line before somebody notices.

NO MORE!  You can't go through life with a shrunken ego...not as a human being, at least...You CAN, if your greatest ambition in life is to be a food-tube.

You need to look in the mirror and not THINK there are no flaws, you need to KNOW there are no flaws.  You need to act as if you are THE MAN (or WOMAN)!  Act this way, and others will treat you this way (making it easier to ACT this way, etc).

This is NOT arrogance (which would mean you are putting others down to make yourself feel big), but rather SUPREME SELF CONFIDENCE.  If ya don't have it, fake it; it will become real on it's own.

A good tool to help in this regard is "The Brag".  Spew a boast about your various attributes on this forum.  Make shyt up, exaggerate like a Senator...whatever it takes.  Post yourself as a sinner or a saint, it doesn't matter; because here in Discordianism, we're up for ANY PROGRAM!

And let no man say that the Good Reverend Roger will send a person where HE will not go...I will go first:

[The Good Reverend Roger]

THE BRAG OF THE DISCORDIAN SUBGENIUS

Siddown, Billy, and lemme tell you who I am!  

I am THE MAN!  Where I walk, the grass doesn't grow, OUT OF RESPECT!  When I travel, the elderly and the children cheer, while the unrighteous cringe!  I view the slurs of @ssholes as a BENEDICTION!  Soda machines give free pop when I pass near!  The Gawds themselves cross the road when they see me!  Anything for a frickin' laugh, and the lesser mortals around me are NO EXCEPTION!  Nothing bothers me, I BOTHER IT!  I am the Grand Unified Theory, the walking incarnation of Slack, the terror that walks in the night!  I am feared in all the wrong circles, and I eat my metaphoric dead!  I wipe the establishment off my shoes when I go in the house!  Elvis isn't dead, HE SHINES MY SHOES!  I age backwards!  I spit in the eye of the HSD just for KICKS!  I play frisbee with MANHOLE COVERS!  I kick habits while the nuns are still in them!  I blow my NOSE on the terror of the Gawds!  Robert Redford greens with envy when I pass by!  I gave the Dalhi Lama "third eye blowout"!  I chew barbed wire, and shyt quarters!  Gawd himself put off armageddon because I'm so cool he couldn't bear for the universe to end!  I am that Seven-headed beastie that St John jabbered about, I ain't the Alpha, but I AM the OMEGA! Get outta my way because

(at this point, the Good Reverend blew an o-ring, and conked out on his keyboard.  He will finish his brag at a later time.)

<transmission ends>

[Kateallerina Contessa Etc]

In which case I shall continue on.

Hello to all of y'all. Are you honoured? You should be. Come on, it's me. I don't post on here everyday, in fact this may or may not be my first post. But you'll be looking forward to the next one, let me tell you, although I shouldn't have to. I'm going to introduce myself now. I..... am Her Royal Highness Princess Kateallerina Contessa Francesca Bananarama Bobesca Etcetera. Look and wonder. I mean, check me out! When I go by, even my teachers cheer. Some even wave pennants. That's right, pennants. And I'm not just royal, I'm talented too. I can do the splits three ways. I'd do four ways but I don't have enough legs. That's why I'm growing another one. Se this guy?   Think he's cool? Shades, yellow, stylin? Well, I'm not putting him down, but I can keep up with him anyday. I've got shades: bright purple ones. And who needs to be yellow when you're already hot pink? Yeah, that's right. Walking in style. And not just pink. Like, remember that pink goop in Ghostbusters 2? That's plae in comparison. I don't know anything as pink as I am. Yea. PINK!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Now THAT'S what the hell I'm talking about!  This is a woman after my own heart!  

ANYONE ELSE GOT THE GUTS TO SPEW A RANT?

[Z³]

I'm going to construct
The Almighty Death Umbrella Of Vomit & Bastardism and ride makeshift pigeons to the Vatican.
I heretically eat the cardinals and a razor blade taco
I break into the pope's chambers while he's having sex with Oliver Twist
Then I kill him by raping him with Saint Francis Of Assisi

[Z³]

Also I would like to mention the following things:

I am devouring you.

[Lord Trout]

"Fear is for suckers!"

That's what I thought, as I dodged the Burglar's bullet. I then glanced in the direction of my own hand-cannon (waiting patiently in my holster), and the punk ran away in terror. He knew instinctively, were I to become annoyed and wish him ill, that his time on Earth would indeed be at an end.

I let him flee. Rather than expend my own effort to capture the insolent whelp, I summoned the Greyface Police to do the searching for me. With my direction and instruction, the Greyfaces found the burglar cowering in a hedge, some 1/2 mile away. He did two years, because I willed it to be so.

He learned a valuable lesson that evening: It is best not to irritate The Sheckster!

[Lord Trout]

BTW, the above is a true story. Swear to Eris, it is!

You see, I currently am employed as a Rent-a-Cop (working to bring down the system from within, of course), and I had this encounter responding to an alarm at a motorcycle shop, in 1998.

The only place I exaggerated was in the beginning of the post. I did not actually dodge the bullet... It bounced off of my ego-shield.

[Poib]

Im so hip, moisturizer learns how to fly just so it can escape and have a chance of landing on my skin.

Im so cool, my landlord pays me rent just so he can let me bless his building with my presence.

They invented DVD just so I wouldnt have to rewind my video tape anymore.

I friggin eat american cheese

Im so respected, the border patrol tells me to take illegal BC marijuana across into the states just because they want me to make shitloads of money. Then they beg for me to piss on their border cube.

Food cooks itself to save me time.

Im so attractive, i not only make ugly people feel like slime, but other attractive looking people too!!!

im so awesome, i can walk through walls. Even real ones!


im so cool, i dont get put on surgery waiting lists.

im so cool, that im writing about how cool i am on this forum :  :  :

[Spoon E. Gee]

"Ray.... when somebody asks if you're a god.... you say YES damnit!"


I cannot make it any more simple..... I AM A GOD....

[Lister]

God of somethign specific, or just A god in general?

How does ambrosia taste by the way?
(always wondered about that)

[Spoon E. Gee]

Why I am Mischief of course.... Second Child begat by Eris.... Preceded by Forgetfullness.. Followed by Quarrels, Lies, Jynx, and my baby brother Confusion.....

have all of you stopped consulting your Pineal gland?.... you should stay up to date....  

[Lister]

have all of you stopped consulting your Pineal gland?.... you should stay up to date....

Nah, I just hung out with your elder bro too much...  He kinda grows on ya...

[Spoon E. Gee]

do what now?  I forget what we were talking about....

[Lister]

hehn?