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Jesus Died for YOU

Started by HeDiedForYou, October 24, 2003, 11:36:46 PM

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Bebek Sincap Ratatosk

Please read this no matter what you believe
Do you think YOU will pass it on?

muuuuu........

One day Satan, Jesus and Eris were having a conversation. Satan had just come from the Garden of Eden, and he was gloating andf boasting. "Yes, sir, I just caught the world full of people down there. Set me a trap, used bait I knew they couldn't resist. Got 'em all!"

"What are you going to do with them?" Jesus asked.

"Why would you want that bunch of losers anyway?", Eris chimed in sweetly. "They are nothing but a bunch of mindless sheep, constantly whining and praying for 'God' to fix their problems. They're pathetic."

Satan replied, "Oh, I'm gonna have fun! I'm gonna teach them how to marry and divorce each other, how to hate and abuse each other, how to drink and smoke and curse. I'm gonna teach them how to invent guns and bombs and kill each other. I'm really gonna have fun!"

"And what will you do when you get done with them?" Jesus asked.

"Can I watch?" Eris asked.

"Oh, I'll kill 'em," Satan glared proudly.

"Wait a minute," Eris said, "You don't want to kill 'em. Then they won't be amusing anymore. I've got a much better idea."

Satan looked interested, but mostly because he had a secret crush on Eris.


"How much do you want for them?" Jesus asked.

"What are you on about?" Eris asked somewhat perturbed. "Will you stop with all of this Son of God crap?"

Jesus was somewhat taken aback, "Er, well I mean aren't I supposed to do something to save all these people?"

"Save them from what? Themselves? Their natural tendancy toward chaos? Their constant inability to control even their basest emotion? I mean what do you expect to save?" Eris looked at Jesus pointedly and sighed.

"But, thats what my Father wants. I am his only-begotten son, and I should give my life to save the human race from Satan here.... right?" Jesus said, questions beginning to show in his eyes.

"Jesus Christ! Whaat are you thinking? Your Father is some Almighty God, if he really wanted to save people, don't you think he could just kill Satan here?" She looked breifly at Satan, who was suddenly uncomfortable,"No offense, smoky" Eris concluded.

"Err, well there's the whole thing about proving yourself or something. At any rate, HE wishes it to be this way." Jesus was obviously concerned with the direction the conversation was taking.

"How about this," Eris said smiling, "We will con a bunch of gullible humans into writing down that you two did everything you're suppsoed to do. People are sheep, they;ll believe that it happened and we can go do something else. Besides, if people think that God's Son came down to earth, you realize how much chaos that will cause? Everyone will try to follow you their own way, and powerful people will force weaker people to follow you their way. Then groups of powerful people will fight about your beliefs... it'll be great!!!"

Jesus looked disturbed "But, won't there be suffering?"

"Of course," Eris smiled sweetly "But, they're humans there will be suffering no matter what you do. If you go down there and tell people to love each other, they will, and they will give everyone else the choice of loving each other according to their rules, or they will kill them. It doesn't matter what you say."

Satan looked depressed "Damn it all to hell! I spent all this time setting a trap and I caught people who were already damned? That's not fair!"

Eris smiled at the poor horned troublemaker, "Tell ya what, why do the three of us head back to my place, I've got some great Kine Bud that is just ready to smoke, and I made a bong out of the Horsehead Nebula last week. Wanna try it out?"

Jesus and Satan looked at each other, looked at the earth and looked at Eris (who at this point made sure her dress slipped down to expose a little flesh)."I'm sure there is more entertaining stuff to do back at my place," she said sweetly and whisked them off to Limbo.

Jesus and Satan got so stoned that they forgot about the silly humans and their pathetic sheeplike ways. Eris, on the other hand decided to implement her little chaos causing schemes and what we see today is the fault of "She What Done It All".






Isn't it funny how simple it is for people to trash the idea of chaos, when in reality it surrounds every aspect of their life?

Isn't it funny how they will believe that a God Of Love will burn them for eternity, because of being bad for 70 years or so, but won't believe that Eris is just as real (and a lot more fun)?

Isn't it funny how Christians think that everyone wants to go to heaven, which if they thought about it sounds like a very boring place to be?

Isn't it funny how someone can say 'I Believe In God' and someone else can say 'I Believe in God', but then argue ofver which God is right, though neither has seen their God or any definate proof of their God's existance?

Isn't it funny that Christians use dogma instead of logical discussion and critical thinking to base their eentire view of reality?

Are you Laughing?

If not, think about this:

The student came to the Chaos Mage and asked for enlightenment, the Chaos Mage looked at the student and tried to remember the number of times that this student had asked this question. He tried to remember every illustration, parable and myth he had told the student in  order to set him on a decent path of thought.. yet, the student still came asking fdor enlightenment.

The Chaos Mage produced a bottle of everclear and a lighter. He poured the everclear on the student and lit it. Then he went back to the bar for some peace anhd quiet.


Ratatosk, Squirrel of Discord
- I don't see race. I just see cars going around in a circle.

"Back in my day, crazy meant something. Now everyone is crazy" - Charlie Manson

Lord_Caramac

A man dies and goes to hell. Some demons come and show him around, and it's just like a tropical island in the evening with lots of beach parties and sex in the dunes.
After having a drink or five with Satan himself, he decides to look around a little more, because he can hardly believe that hell is so much fun. Then he discoveres a hidden door which leads to some dark cave full of heat and smoke, filled with the screams of tortured souls, and he sees many men and women being tortured by the devils.
He goes back to Satan and asks him, "What's that cave? Who are those poor souls?"
Satan replies, "Oh, that's just 'em bloody Christians, they like it that way."
May the Fnord be with you!
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Miss Krabapple: I'm sorry, that would be playing God.
Bart: God-shmod, I want my monkey man!
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Lord BlackLight
aka Lord Helmet
aka ElfBoi
aka Lord Caramac the Clueless, NPIAB
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Herostratus

Aren't Discordians lovely? They only damn non-belivers to an eternity of Thud, which is just what they'd want anyway.
HCC, 'Bootlegger of Moonshine Religons'
Chairo Eris, Omnis Grando Discordia

Cthulhu's Advocate

Ratatosk, your lesson is beautiful indeed. And while I may be more compassionate then said chaos mage, the student prolly had it comin' and he only had himself to blame. Hold on. I better stop before I ripoff Chicago more.
Verthaine, you are very wise. We should get custody of old Yeshua. Hopefully with are esteemed attorney (a cockroach) we will win the trial. but we gotta prepare for the worst, so be ready to call in the cavalry (I have no idea what metaphor I should use. I'm not Max Payne). Hope the custody battle goes well.
Oh, and Herostratus; you're right but [takes on cheesy preacher voice] you will be atahnully damned-a, if you don't buh-leev in the Lord-a!
This message brought to you by Cthulhu and the Anti-Greyface Leauge of Maui, Kentucky.

   God is a Transvestite chicken.

Verthaine

I was in the process of interveiwing lawyers in Hell(who'd a thought there be so damn many of them there) to take the case,but met with no success.They wanted my soul as payment,and I wasn't going for that .I finally decided on the lawfirm of Eris,Kallisti,and Discordia,Esq. to represent me( I think they used to be called Dewey,Cheatem,and Howe) in the custudy battle.I had them subpeona all pertinent info from heaven and hell,but hell's paperwork is taking a while to arrive.It seems the elevator from hell is broken,so the got their movers(Benedict Arnold,Hitler and Caligula)schlepping up tons and tons of old file boxes up the stair.

Geez,I actually feel sorry for hell.It's overcrowded,Yahweh refuses to fix the a.c.,and poor satan is swamped with paperwork.He is actually thinking of suing Yahweh himself for previding unsafe working conditions.(Satan looks a lot like Rick Moranis/Woody Allen.The centuries and the stress have not been kind to him).He's actually not a Bad Guy,just a poor shlump with a shitty job.He does throw great parties though.He actually wants to get out of his contract with Yahweh,and beome a discordian,but his contract is pretty iron clad.
Vincent Sebastian Verthaine, K.S.C.
Omni-Belevolent Poly- Father of Hedonism In Black of The Erisian Holy City of the Discordian Parish of New Orleans.

Goddess-Son of Sssbela,Prophetess of Doom

Pastor of the Church of Eris,New Orleans

Cthulhu's Advocate

Satan probably looks a bit like me, then. I'm white, puny, skinny, and half jewish, but I got most of the Jewish features, even if i do have that pale Aryan complexion from my (shouts to Eris Von Tartarus) GERMAN side. Except I'm a teenager. And despite sounding bad on paper, I actually look pretty good if I say so myself.
Verthaine, I wish you the best of luck and maybe some of my lawyer relatives can help you. Hell one of my relatives represented a Commadore!
This message brought to you by Cthulhu and the Anti-Greyface Leauge of Maui, Kentucky.

   God is a Transvestite chicken.

riff

Quote from: Cthulhu's AdvocateHell one of my relatives represented a Commadore!

I find it hard to believe that a Commadore could get into much trouble.  Hell, they only had 64k of ram.
Here's where I've been, and where I probably am: http://www.kingdomofloathing.com.

Cthulhu's Advocate

Riff, you should know the Commadores. Some people are dumber than a brick house...
This message brought to you by Cthulhu and the Anti-Greyface Leauge of Maui, Kentucky.

   God is a Transvestite chicken.

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

Jesus saves souls!
Moses invests them!
Buddha redeems them for valuable prizes!
Eris tickles the shit out of them and tells them to get out of the market!
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

Horab Fibslager

my atari pwnz j0 commadore!
Hell is other people.

MedeoPlusPlus

1. e4             e5
2. Bc4           Bc5
3. Qf3           Ne7
4. Qxf7++

slothrop23

jesus never existed he was made up by some pissed monks.
probably just a magican or something.
Wind turbines.

I'm a big fan

EvilPoet

Basketball Play by Play
by Lee 'nomad' Damon


"Jesus saves"

"But Moses gets the rebound, he shoots... he scores!"

"That's right Dan, looks like the Testaments are really trampling Jesus and his Gospels here at the Garden tonight. Best crowd we've seen at the Garden in quite a while, too. The Testaments have an 18 point lead, and are gaining."

"Well Jack, the Testaments have done well for the last 40 days. Last week they knocked the sneakers off the Buddhists, and the week before that they trampled the Kaaba. I wouldn't be surprised to see them win the championships this year."

"Paul has the ball, he hands it off to Luke... quick pass to Mark, to Jesus, back to Paul, lay up... hook shot... good!"

"Paul has been doing well tonight, earning 18 of the Gospels' 56 points. Having two cheering sections of Corinthians is really working for him. Jesus has the worst record he's had for a long time, only 10 points all evening. Doesn't look like he'll be changing that water into GatorAde tonight."

"Samson hands off to Noah, back to Samson, back to Noah..  wow, watch that foot work. Noah can sure move his feet for someone 900 years old. Back to Samson, over to Mohammed, back to Noah, up the court to Abraham, over his back hook ... bouncing off the backstop... round the rim ....  in!"

"Wow, that Abraham really likes showing off his knife shots. That one was a close call though, he almost missed the backstop entirely."

"Ya Dan, he's been having problems with that lately. Too flashy for many of the other player's tastes. He seems to like making sacrifice plays."

"Mohammed out, Lot in."

"Luke hands to Paul, over to Matthew, to Mark, back to Matthew, they are working the court carefully... over to... oops, intercepted by Noah! Watch that man dribble! Noah lines up, shoots, a perfect swisher! Another 2 for Noah!"

"Now there's a man who doesn't do anything by halves Jack, unlike his team mate, Solomon."

"True Dan, in fact, he seems to do everything by twos."

"On the other hand, the Gospels only have 3 minutes to make up a 20 point deficit.  Do you think they can do it?"

"I don't know Dan, though Jesus has been able to pull some pretty amazing miracles, this one may be beyond even Him."

"Abraham out, Sheba in."

"Paul to Jesus, over to Luke, back to Jesus, to Paul... to Luke... to Matthew, to Paul... to Mark... back to Jesus again for the lay up, hook shot... looks like he hit the rim, into the backstop, and back in for 2 points!"

"Dan, have you noticed how none of them are taking advantage of the 3 point rule? The Gospels are going to have to if they want to win this game."

"Samson tosses it over to Moses again... to Sheba...  she's been playing real well today, lots of good interception in the first quarter... Sheba hands it to Lot... Lot dribbling slowly, letting time run out, only a few seconds left for him to shoot.... balls up...  saved by Jesus, Moses there to cover, gets the ball back before Jesus can take advantage of it... Moses shoots, its good!"

"Moses seems to always be there to catch those rebounds."

"Yes Jack, the crowd just seems to part for him where ever he goes."

"Oops, looks like one of the ref's has told Jesus something he doesn't like, Jesus has just told him to kiss off."

"The referees, Judas and Herod, want to confer with the Gospels about this, so The Gospels have taken a time out. We'll be right back after this word from our Sponsors; Pope Soap on a Rope, Bernie's Grill, Bar & Mitzvah and Cardinal Cleaning."

Bella

Quote from: Cthulhu's AdvocateSatan probably looks a bit like me, then. I'm white, puny, skinny, and half jewish, but I got most of the Jewish features, even if i do have that pale Aryan complexion from my (shouts to Eris Von Tartarus) GERMAN side. Except I'm a teenager. And despite sounding bad on paper, I actually look pretty good if I say so myself.
Verthaine, I wish you the best of luck and maybe some of my lawyer relatives can help you. Hell one of my relatives represented a Commadore!
This reminds me of a T-Shirt I saw the other day.
It read: "I Dig Scrawny Pale Guys".
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

cockroachfactor

i dont know a damn thing about sports, evilpoet, but that was damn funny!
CONTRIBUTION, JERK.

[pwned]