Into The Night With Enrico And So-Called Friends

[Cain]

They burnt down my village when I was two years old.  They sold everyone still alive into slavery and then sowed the ground with salt.  I will never forgve them.

Or were they Moomins?  I can never remember....

[Enrico Salazar]

Moomins is just as bad as Mormons.  Strangely the Mormons did the same thing to Enrico's village, but he was plannign to do it himself anyway, so it didn't bother him too much.

You're not from Sindi on Salazore, are you?

In a nutshell, Cain, please tell our viewers why you would or would not be a Scientologist, and remember that the answer "For all of L. Ron Hubbard's ascots" has already been used by that treacherous weasel Baron von Hoopla.

[Cain]

I think I passed through Sindi once. I was "backpacking" (on the run from Peruvian bounty-hunters after I stole some artefacts).  Do they still make that horrible little purple drink there?

What does it pay to be a Scientologist? I mean, science is interesting and all, but if I have to study it all day I'm not doing it for what lab technicians get.  I have a lifestyle to maintain.

[Enrico Salazar]

Do you mean the biggest drink in Salazore "Purple Piss" as in 'My heart bleeds Purple Piss', or the second biggest drink in Salazore the "Flaming Moe"?

And I don't know how much science you work on as a Scientologist but you certainly become an expert on psychiatry and whatnot.  As for pay, I am not certain, I hear you pay them.

Still interested?

[Cain]

Oh, now you've done it!  Google ads, for Scientology! Everywhere!  AAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And yeah, I think its Purple Piss. It certainly tasted like it.

[Enrico Salazar]

Enrico invented that drink.

[LMNO]

[Offstage]

...After getting severely beaten in the kidneys, I suppose...

[Cain]

Look what you did though!  The Scientologist ads are here.  That means...they are WATCHING US!

Also, did you really have to add 4 shots of Absinthe to that drink recipe.  I know it gives it extra kick, but when I had a drinking match...well...lets just say it was a while ago and I still get random hallucinations...

[Enrico Salazar]

Oh the people farther down the couch think they can interupt conversation, eh?

Yes, actually.  Enrico was worked over by his uncle Chuckles one morning, went to take a leisurely piss afterwards, and saw the vision of Purple Piss . . . it would be half Wild Turkey, four shots of Absinthe, one shot of lighter fluid, one tongue of bat and one ounce Purple Rain.

[Toots]

Question from the audience--

Enrico, my cousins and I travelled from Kansas for three days just to see your show!!! We slept outside the studio all night on the sidewalk to make sure we get in.
OMG I LOVE YOU Enrico!!!! (Points to t-shirt with picture of Enrico's anus in a big pink heart)

Ummm, OMG you are so gorgeous, it's making me nervous, now I don't know what I was going to ask.

Ah, yes...how do you get your mustache looking so fine?

(makes a clearly visible crotch "sweat" stain ala Fergie from BEPs and sits down)

[Enrico Salazar]

It depends on the day, my fine little conch shell.  

On Mondays Enrico usually rubs his face all over pillow with tears streaming down face, this makes mustache stand up slightly.  

On Tuesdays Enrico will trim with tiny scissors and then use mustache wax.  

On Wednesdays Enrico usually wakes up hung over in a slut's apartment, on these days he tosses some salad and the mustache takes care of itself.  

On Thursdays Enrico will usually talk to his mustache hor about three and half hours about religious matters, this wilts the mustache.  

On Fridays the mustache is excited for weekend and dances all day.  Is distracting.

Now.

Any more questions from audience before gas is pumped through ventilation?

[Enrico Salazar]

No?  Good.

Alright.  Next guest is someone Enrico knows ALL too well.  In fact he has roadmapped her vericose veins many many times.  She clocks in at 7'6", weighing a stunning three-fifty, and has teeth like a jack o' lantern.

Enrico is of course speaking about his second and forth wife Diabo Salazore!

Come on out Diabo.  Is not a trap.

[Diabo Salazore]

(peaking out from behind curtain)
How Diabo is going to know you is not il monstro? Is Enrico not supposed to be crispy bacon? If I can't trust Enrico to burn in hell even, how do I know this is no trap?

[Enrico Salazar]

Enrico explained that already elsewhere.  He will not go into it again on the set of chat show you filthy boar, now please be a lovely kitten and haul your wide load onto this delicate green velvet couch.

Is nice.

You want drink?  One of Enrico's sponsors is Riunite.

[Diabo Salazore]

Yes, fine. Couch is nice. What is the white stains crusted on cushion? Enrico have one of his famous sheep humping party?

I bring my own drink. Rubbing alcohol with twist of ruffie, you want?