Evangelising to the Unconverted

[Rev. St. Syn, KSC (Ret.)]

So, what you gonna do now? You,Äôve got the Job. You,Äôve got the big screen TV, the car. You,Äôve got the wife, the kids, the cats, the guinea pigs AND the best house you could scrape from your salary. You've got the DVD collection, the CD collection and the common cold. You,Äôve also got [INSERT YOUR 33% WORLD SHARE RELIGION HERE]. Now, before you rip this up in disgust. I am not saying that,Äôs a bad thing, it,Äôs just that I feel it,Äôs now an outmoded, irrelevant pile of rotten cheesy spoo. Yes, I do realised I invited you to [INSERT YOUR 33% WORLD SHARE RELIGION HERE], and yes that means that when I say ,ÄòI feel it,Äôs now an outmoded, irrelevant pile of rotten cheesy spoo,,Äô I mean that religion that you inserted up there is an outmoded, irrelevant pile of rotten cheesy spoo. Hell, you guys have all been doing that to each other for thousands of years, so I,Äôm sure it,Äôs perfectly fine for me to take a pop too. Right now you,Äôre thinking, ,Äòfuck you buddy, may GAWD strike you down if you speak out against my GAWD,,Äô or maybe ,ÄòOMFG IT,ÄôS A MAADHJGIYIQUHAL PSYCHIC CAST IT OUT, CAST IT OUT!!!11!,Äô Well am I right? ,ĶThought so. And, I,Äôm not finished with you yet. I,Äôm going to offer you an alternative. What!? Evangelising? Me? Well, yeah, but it,Äôs no worse than the shit I have to listen to from your lot when I go out for food shopping on a Saturday morning - and I get to SWEAR (fuck - see?) and it,Äôs NOT blasphemous, but is a prayer.*

    Are you wondering what the hell I,Äôm on about yet? Hey, come back! Okay, where were we. Oh yeah, I was insulting your religion. So how about it [INSERT YOUR 33% WORLD SHARE RELIGION HERE] boy? Are you gonna take a step back and take a look around at what the leaders of [INSERT YOUR 33% WORLD SHARE RELIGION HERE] are doing to the world, IN YOUR NAME? Please tell me you,Äôre thinking about it now. THEY're in the middle of a holy war. Yes, yes THEY are. And no, I don,Äôt mean that one. It,Äôs way too obvious. I mean the insidious one, the one that,Äôs been raging for thousands of years non-stop, the one that,Äôs torn people, families, friends, towns, cities, counties, states, countries, nations and continents apart; the one that keeps us at each others throats day and night - never ending, the one that caused that one, the one that WILL wipe us ALL off the face of this stinking ball of half baked slurry, THE ONE YOUR PARENTS/FRIENDS/EVANGELISTS HAD YOU INDOCTRINATED INTO BELEIVING IN and that yours was the side of GOOD AND GREAT JUSTICE, the one that subverted your intelligence and you,Äôre your independent spirit and wore them both down to iron filings, the one that will KILL you AND your little dog too, UNLESS YOU DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! Don,Äôt you see it yet? They lied to you. Made you part of their Machine,Ñ¢, nothing but a tiny, tarnished cog with a shackled mind and a twisted faith. They built it all; government, corporations, the military - they all came from the original Guiding Light,Ñ¢, your so called saviours, the leaders of [INSERT YOUR 33% WORLD SHARE RELIGION HERE]. They tried to get me too, but I resisted. Luckily, my parents never forced me into anything; my friends never mentioned it and I always thought the evangelists were just creepy weirdoes. If you,Äôve taken that step back we talked about, you,Äôre probably coming to the same conclusion, if nothing else, about the evangelists. Take another step back; go on, it won,Äôt hurt. You see the bigger picture now don,Äôt you. You see what was done to us by THEM. It doesn,Äôt even matter if you end up non-religious, we are all caught up in it whether we like it or not. Now, now. Stop blubbering, YOU can do something about IT. You,Äôre blubbering more. Be quiet, I,Äôm not asking for your money (although a tip would be nice), I,Äôm not asking for your soul, I,Äôm asking for your brains. That,Äôs right, BRAINS! Here,Äôs a can opener, hop to it, get that skull open to new ideas, a new way of thinking, a new - wait for it - RELIGION!

    Hey, you,Äôre running away again! Don,Äôt go, you,Äôre nearly there with the can opener! Your skull is flapping about in the breeze! Just one more twist and you can let go of the old dogmas and settle down with some new catmas! Take a look at that can opener in your hand. What does it say? That,Äôs right. It says: ,ÄòDISCORDAMAN,Äô Don,Äôt panic, it,Äôs just the result of cheap merchandising. He,Äôs a saint you know. He wears yellow spandex and has a large ,ÄòD,Äô on his chest. He fires pure fractals out his eyes and curls a Cleveland steamer on Superman,Äôs chest every morning before a breakfast of acid, beer and marijuana. He,Äôs not real, I just made him up, but that doesn,Äôt matter because he,Äôs also a DISCORDIAN (or ERISIAN, if you prefer). That is he worships Eris - Goddess of Chaos and Confusion. You,Äôre trying to run away again, I thought we opened that skull. Eris - Chaos - Discordia - Etc, is not a bad deity to get involved with, contrary to the opinions of the classical Greeks. I mean you,Äôre doing worse right now, so why not trade up? Being a Discordian means that you are free.

As Eris put it:

,ÄúI have come to tell you that you are free. Many ages ago, My consciousness left man, that he might develop himself. I return to find this development approaching completion, but hindered by fear and by misunderstanding.
You have built for yourselves psychic suits of armor, and clad in them, your vision is restricted, your movements are clumsy and painful, your skin is bruised, and your spirit is broiled in the sun.
I am chaos. I am the substance from which your artists and scientists build rhythms. I am the spirit with which your children and clowns laugh in happy anarchy. I am chaos. I am alive, and I tell you that you are free.,Äù

    Now, isn,Äôt that the damned nicest thing any deity has ever given human kind? It,Äôs pretty swell, and there,Äôs more, but it,Äôs amorphous, elusive and nigh on impossible to describe to anybody who hasn,Äôt experienced it first hand. All I can do is point you first in the direction of our bible, the Principia Discordia,Ä°, which contains ,ÄòAbsolutely Everything Worth Knowing About Absolutely Anything.,Äô Quit with the moaning, it,Äôs only 75 pages long, if you cut out the extraneous stuff AND it,Äôs full of pictures! This will give you a grounding and something to feed to your newly exposed brain matter on, then the rest is up to you. Well as soon as you,Äôre comfortably passed the OMFG5FN0RD23LOLBBQ!!!1! stage. No, sorry, as much as I am flattered, I cannot hang about and be your spiritual guide to the wonders of She Who Done It All, I,Äôm far too busy being my own spiritual guide - which is kind of the point. Besides, I,Äôd only make things worse. I,Äôve turned you round. Torn open your skull and freed your mind from THEIR tyranny, isn,Äôt that enough? Don,Äôt follow me; you are your own damned Pope! Get with the program, or don,Äôt - which is kind of another one of those pointy points.

    If, after reading Principia Discordia, you,Äôre still ,Äòwith us,Äô and you have any questions, I,Äôm officially obliged to give you nonsense answers - form an orderly queue. Please give generously; all proceeds go the the Rev. St. Syn, KSC Takes Earth For Great Justice fund.

~Rev. St. Syn, KSC



*ON PRAYER (from Principia Discordia)
Mal-2 was once asked by one of his Disciples if he often prayed to
Eris. He replied with these words:
No, we Erisians seldom pray, it is much too dangerous. Charles Fort
has listed many factual incidences of ignorant people confronted with,
say, a drought, and then praying fervently -- and then getting the
entire village wiped out by a torrential flood.

,Ä°Read it once,
read it twice,
scrutinise it a third time,
skim it a fourth and then on the fifth time show it to your arsehole,
just for shits and giggles.