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Ancient Greeks and Eris

Started by Cain, May 13, 2006, 01:04:37 AM

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Cain

Righto, this is the Ancient Greek perception of Eris and Enyo (who were considered one and the same until the Alexandrian period).

Right, family history first.  According to Hesiod in his Theogony, Eris is the daughter of Nyx, that is night.  Those versed in Chinese philosophy will immediately make the connection between Yin and Nyx, the feminime, the dark and the cold.

However, Eris bucks the trend when it comes to the usual passivity associated with that principle.  She is also the sister of Ares, which should give you a clue as to her temperment.

Eris is also the mother of the Kakodaimones, the evil spirits which plagued mankind, according to Hesiod.  These he names as "Toil, and Forgetfulness, and Starvation, and the Pains, full of weeping, the Fightings and the Battles, the Murders and the Man-slaughters, the Quarrels, the Lies, the Disputes, and Lawlessness and Ruin, who share one another's natures, and Oath who does more damage than any other to earthly men, when anyone, of his knowledge, swears to a false oath."

These are also traditionally seen as the ill fates that were bound in Pandora's Box.  In fact, in Greek, the link is explicit in the mind of the poet.  That would also imply that Hope is one of the children of Eris.  Something to keep in mind, I feel.

For you fans of coincidence, Hesiod has a warning about the number 5.  And I quote "Beware of all the fifth days [of the month]; for they are harsh and angry; it was on the fifth, they say, that the Erinyes assisted at the bearing of Horkos, whom Eris bore, to be a plague on those who take false oath." - Hesiod, Works and Days 804


However, Eris was mostly viewed as the Goddess of the Strife of War.  With the regularity at which the Greeks fought, this is perhaps unsurprising.  Her first mention of battle is in the Trojan War.  According to Hesiod again, "[Eris] is hateful ... [she is the one] who builds up evil war, and slaughter. She is harsh; no man loves her, but under compulsion and by will of the immortals, men promote this rough Eris (Strife)." - Hesiod, Works and Days 11

In the war, she took the side of the Trojans, along with her brother Ares and his two sons, Phobos (Terror) and Deimos (Fear), against the rest of the Olympians and the Greek invaders.  Homer described her as follows "only a little thing at the first, but thereafter grows until she strides on the earth with her head striking heaven. She then hurled down bitterness equally between both sides as she walked through the onslaught making men's pain heavier." - Homer, Iliad 4.441

Eris even disobeyed Zeus and continued to fight, as the Lord of Olympus had commanded every God to retreat and let this stage of the war be a purely human affair.

Later on, she is seen on the battlefield with Confusion and Death, dragging dead bodies in a way reminiscint of what fate befell Hector after his challenge.  "These stood their ground and fought a battle by the banks of the river, and they were making casts at each other with their spears bronze-headed; and Eris was there with Kydoimos (Confusion) among them, and Ker (Death) the destructive; she was holding a live man with a new wound, and another one unhurt, and dragged a dead man by the feet through the carnage." - Homer, Iliad 18.535

Eris also gifted the Amazonian Queen with an immensely dangerous weapon, presumably of her creation; "a huge halberd, sharp of either blade, which terrible Eris gave to Ares' child to be her Titan weapon in the strife [of the Trojan War] that raveneth souls of men." - Quintus Smyrnaeus, Fall of Troy 1.158

She also gets a bonus mention in one of Aesops fables, funnily enough along with the mention of an apple and a very Taoist piece of advice from Athena:

"Herakles was making his way through a narrow pass. He saw something that looked like an apple lying on the ground and he tried to smash it with his club. After having been struck by the club, the thing swelled up to twice its size. Herakles struck it again with his club, even harder than before, and the thing then expanded to such a size that it blocked Herakles's way. Herakles let go of his club and stood there, amazed. Athena saw him and said, 'O Herakles, don't be so surprised! This thing that has brought about your confusion is Aporia (Contentiousness) and Eris (Strife). If you just leave it alone, it stays small; but if you decide to fight it, then it swells from its small size and grows large." - Aesop, Fables 534 (from Chambry 129)

Eris was not limited to strife on the battlefield though, the strife which inflicts married life is also mentioned.  "One day they [Polytekhnos and Aedon of Kolophon in Lydia] blurted out the needless remark that they loved each other more than did Hera and Zeus. Hera found what was said to be insupportable and sent Eris (Discord) between them to create strife in their activities."- Antoninus Liberalis, Metamorphoses 11

The story of the Golden Apple is an interesting one too.  "And all the race of gods hasted to do honour to the white-armed bride [Thetis at her wedding to Peleus] ... But Eris (Strife) [alone] did Kheiron [who sent out the invitations] leave unhonoured: Kheiron did not regard her and Peleus heeded her not ..." so Eris "she bethought her of the golden apples of the Hesperides. Thence Eris took the fruit that should be the harbinger of war, even the apple, and devised the scheme of signal woes. Whirling her arm she hurled into the banquet the primal seed of turmoil and disturbed the choir of goddesses."  I think we all know the story from there on in (taken from Colluthus, The Rape of Helen 38)

Eris also appears in some other Greek tales, sometimes under the name of Enyo, whom Homer ranked as equal to Athena in martial prowess "[The] goddesses, who range in order the ranks of men in fighting, [are] Athene and Enyo, sacker of cities." - Homer, Iliad 5.333

She makes many minor appearances in the Theban cycle of poetry, in particular the Thebiad, which tells of the fraticidal violence which eventually led to the epic battle as told by Aeschylus between Eteocles and the army of Thebes and Polynices and his supporters, traditional Theban enemies:

"Fit sentinels hold watch there [the Thracian palace of Mars-Ares]: from the outer gate wild Impetus (Passion) leaps, and blind Nefas (Mishief) and Irae (Angers) flushing red and pallid Metus (Fear), and Insidia (Treachery) lurks with hidden sword, and Discordia (Discord) [Eris] holding a two-edged blade. Minis (Threatenings) innumerable make clamour in the court, sullen Virtus (Valour) stands in the midst, and Furor (Rage) exultant and armed Mors (Death) with blood-stained visage are seated there; no blood but that of wars is on the altars, no fire but snatched from burning cities." - Statius, Thebaid 7.64

She is also mentioned in Valerius Flaccus' Argonautica, which is a pretty inferior rewriting of Apollonius of Rhodes' version of the tale: "Through the terror-stricken air again and again she [Aphrodite leading the Lemnian women to slaughter their unfaithful husbands] makes a strange cry ring ,Ķ Straightway Pavor (Fear) [Deimos] and insensate Discordia (Strife) [Eris] from her Getic lair, dark-browed Ira (Anger) with pale cheeks, Dolus (Treachery), Rabies (Frenzy) [Lyssa] and towering above the rest Letus (Death) [Ker], her cruel hands bared, come hastening up at the first sound of the Martian consort,Äôs pealing voice that gave the signal." - Valerius Flaccus, Argonautica 2.200

Eris was also the escort of the dread Demon/Dragon Typhoeus, who Zeus battled deep in the Abyss, though she took no part in the battle itself.

Another important role is in the fascinating Dionysiaca text.  Eris appeared in the form of the Goddess Rheia, exhorting him to make battle with the Indian King Deriades, who she later sides with, along with the usual crew of Ares and Fear and Terror.

However, Hesiod mentions there are two Eris', or at least two aspects to her:

"It was never true that there was only one Eris. There have always been two on earth. There is one you could like when you understand her. The other is hateful. The two Erites have separate natures. There is one Eris who builds up evil war, and slaughter. She is harsh; no man loves her, but under compulsion and by will of the immortals, men promote this rough Eris (Strife). But the other one was born the elder daughter of black Nyx. The son of Kronos, who sits on high and dwells in the bright air set her in the roots of the earth and among men; she is far kinder. She pushes the shiftless man to work, for all his laziness. A man looks at his neighbour, who is rich: then he too wants work; for the rich man presses on with his ploughing and planting and ordering of his estate. So the neighbour envies the neighbour who presses on toward wealth. Such Eris (Strife) is a good friend to mortals." - Hesiod, Works and Days 11

Next part: Enyo, Bellona and the Eastern Connection.

LMNO


B_M_W

Its nice to see the little bits and pieces you've posted over the years come together so clearly. Truly this gives us good perspective.
One by one, we break the sheep from their Iron Bar Prisons and expand their imaginations, make them think for themselves. In turn, they break more from their prisons. Eventually, critical mass is reached. Our key word: Resolve. Evangelize with compassion and determination. And realize that there will be few in the beginning. We are hand picking our successors. They are the future of Discordianism. Let us guide our future with intelligence.

     --Reverse Brainwashing: A Guide http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=9801.0


6.5 billion Buddhas walking around.

99.xxxxxxx% forgot they are Buddha.

Cain

Enyo is considered by many who take the Homeric view to be the same goddess as Eris.  Until the post-Classical times, this view seems to have been the norm and the post-Classical Greeks were buggers when it came to complicating things.  They felt it made them look smart.

Enyo is basically the female version of Ares.  She is a war goddess always, "the leveller of cities" and close companion of Ares.

Here are some choice quotes:

"Enyo, afire with torch fresh-charged and other serpents, was restoring the fight [in the war of the Seven Against Thebes]. They yearn for battle, as though they had but lately borne the opening shock of combat hand to hand, and every sword still shone bright and clear." - Statius, Thebaid 8.655

"The gifts of Ares are swords and brazen tunics to array the limbs and helmets and spears and whatsoever things Enyo delights in." - Oppian, Halieutica 2.24

The important difference is that the Enyo aspect at least had some worshippers in the ancient world, as few as they were.  There were no Erisians that we know of in Ancient Greece.  This is not surprising as even Ares was treated with suspicion.  The only people who might've worshipped her would have been the Thracians, who were keen on Ares and his sons.  However, the Thracians were warlike tribes who left no written records and favourite pastime was killing their enemies in the most brutal way possible and so probably would not make a good model for worship anyway.

Enyo actually had two shrines; [In the sanctuary of Ares at Athens] is also an image of Enyo, made by the sons of Praxiteles." - Pausanias, Guide to Greece 1.7.4

Also "In this Antitauros [in Cappadocia, Asia Minor] are deep and narrow valleys, in which are situated Komana and the temple of Enyo, whom the people there call Ma [the Greeks identified Enyo with the Phrygian goddess Ma]." - Strabo, Geography 12.2.3

Ma is interesting, as there exist little in the way of records I can find on her.  However, under another of her guises, Comana, she told Sulla in a dream to do her bidding and he invaded the city of Rome, initiating the Dictatorship and proscriptions which led to the eventual breakdown of the Republic a few decades after his death.

Also, she corresponds strongly with the Babylonian Goddess Ishtar.  If we look to her Sumerian counterpart, Innana, we see a goddess of both war and love.  She has a similar disrespect for authority (stealing some of Enki's powers) and also has a fascinating myth of her descent into the underworld.  Inanna is the Great Goddess of Sumeria. She is the mightiest deity of the Sumerian pantheon, surpassing An the Sky God. She was called "Queen of Heaven and Earth", a title later given to various goddesses, including Mary. She was the all-powerful Goddess of Love, War, Sex, Beauty, Fertility, the Earth, and of Life.

From here, a complicated and somewhat tenuous link to Kali can be made, with both representing violent feminine goddesses who were also symbolised by Venus.

However, the most concrete and definite foreign version of Eris in the ancient world is Bellona.  She is believed to be one of the numinous gods of the Romans and is supposed by many to have been the Romans' original war deity, predating the identification of Mars with Ares. Her name, Bellona, is derived from the Latin word for "war" (bellum), and is directly related to the modern English word "belligerent" (lit., "war-bearing"). In art, she is portrayed with a helmet, sword, spear, and torch.

Politically, all Senate meetings relating to foreign war were conducted in the Templum Bellonae (Temple of Bellona) on the Collis Capitolinus outside the pomerium. This temple was built in 296 BC and was burned down in 48 BC; Bellona's festival was celebrated on June 3.

Near the beginning of Shakespeare's Macbeth, Macbeth is introduced as a violent and brave warrior when the Thane of Ross calls Macbeth "Bellona's bridegroom" (I.ii.54).

Cain

Finally, one can look to the philosophy of Heraclitus and change for a different and possibly more Eastern/Esoteric/Modern conception of Eris.  For if strife leads to change, then everything he says is valid.

http://community.middlebury.edu/~harris/Philosophy/Heraclitus.html

Such phrases as    

"By cosmic rule, as day yields night, so winter summer, war peace, plenty famine. All things change. Fire penetrates the lump of myrrh, until the joining bodies die and rise again in smoke called incense."

"Men do not know how that which is drawn in different directions harmonises with itself. The harmonious structure of the world depends upon opposite tension like that of the bow and the lyre."

"War is the father of all and the king of all"

"Every animal is driven to pasture with a blow"

come to mind.

Cain

How Eris' deadly spear does shake!
How the whole temple shakes! Away, away with the fearful!
It must be Strife kicking at the door with her fair foot.
Do you not see? The Delian palm nods gently,
All of a sudden; the lance sweeps beautifully in the air.
Bolts of the doors, thrust yourselves back.
Keys--open the doors! For the god is no longer far away.

So, young men, prepare yourselves for fighting and death.
Eris appears not to all, only to the worthy.
He who sees her is great; who does not is lowly.
We will see you, hard-hearted Eris, and we will never be lowly.
Let the cithara not be silent.
Nor your step noiseless with Strife approaching, you children,
If you intend to complete the vows and to ward off Horkos,
And if the wall is to stand on its aging foundations.
Well done the youths; the strings are no longer at rest.

Be silent and hear the song of Eris's glory.
Even the sea is silent, for bards celebrate
The two edged blade or spear, weapons of immortal Strife.
Neither does mother Thetis dare to lament for her Achilles
If she hears, the Lady of Sorrow walk.
Even the weeping rock forgets its griefs--
The sobbing stone forever fixed in Phrygia,
Marble where once a woman gaped sorrowfully.
Cry, "Hie, Hie" it is a poor thing to contest the blessed.
May he who fights with the blessed fight my king,
And may he who fights my king also fight with Eris.
The chorus which sings to Eris with its heart
She will honor. She has the power; even Zeus will not challenge her.
Neither will the chorus sing of Eris for only one day;
She is worthy of many hymns. The brave readily sing of Strife.

Golden is Eris' apple and yet she threw its gold away,
As are her eyes and two bladed sword and sheath of gold;
Golden is her hair, for Eris is rich in gold.
Rich in possessions; for competition brings it own reward.
Always fair, always terrible! Never does
the blood of slain touch her weapons of choice.
Her hair drips the sweat of toil to the ground,
But streaming from the locks of Eris is not fat.
But victory. In the city where these dew drops
Fall to earth all things are secure.

None is so versatile in battle as Eris.
She watches over the cunning; she watches over the bard;
Eris' are both the dagger and song.
Hers are the prophets and prophetesses; from Enyo
Soldiers learn the skill of hastening death.

We call her the goddess of apples since that time
When by the fault of Kheiron she was not invited to honour Peleus
And with burning anger did take the golden apples of the Hesperides.
With ease she did carve the words ,Äúto the Prettiest,Äù
And then rolled it into the wedding hall
Where the three goddesses fought for
Their own vanity and so bought about the,
destruction of the fairest city of Troy.

Men who take cities are followers of
Enyo, for she rejoices in the
art of war and cunning, and Eris herself lays the plans of attack.
At the start of creation Eris fought the Olympians
Acting as escort for the infernal dragon
Strife was Typhon,Äôs escort in the mellay
While the thunderbolts with booming shots reveled
like dancers in the sky, she took no side
Seeking to stop the rulership of either side
Thus did Eris find wisdom inbetween opposing forces

Eris also showed Medea how to aid Jason,
And so defeat the harvested men of Drakon,
Blessing the crested helm with death-bringing hand.
To grant them the fleece. Eris' favour is forever valued.
Oh Eris! Many call you Discordia,
Many Strife. Everywhere he has many a name
But I call her Enyo, as did my ancestors.
Sparta, was among your most loyal.
Scythia second, and third the towns of Thrace.
From the sacking of fairest Ilium by the Achaens
Travelled you to the strife of Thebes. And from Thebes
the battles of Dionysos brought you to the Indian fight,
And he made you there a fine fight. In the city
He prescribed a continuing ritual, Enyo, in which
Many bulls fall to their haunches and die.

Hie, hie, Strife, rarely invoked! Your altars
flow in the blood of all the tyrants and defilers
who would nurture our foes and do us harm,
As well as the destroyers of good. For you the eternal fire,
And never does the ash feed on the coals of yesterday.
Enyo rejoiced greatly when the girded men of Athens
Danced with death and slew the Persians
When the awaited war season came round.
But the Hellens were not yet able to reach
Xerxes' might. They still lived in divided and fractured cities.
The Lady saw these herself and showed them how to fight
As she stood on the jagged hills of Thermopylae, where
Leonidas' men slew the lions of Persia, the Immortals in battle.
Eris has seen no other dance more divine,
Nor, mindful of the previous crimes, had she granted such benefits
To any people as to the doomed. Nor have the children of freedom
Honored any god more than Strife.

"Hie hie Discordia" resounds because her people
Of Thrace first established this refrain
When with your two-edged blade you gave proof of your skill.
A fantastic beast faced you as you descended to nether pits,
A horrible beast. You slew him with one swift blow,
One swift strike after another. The people cried
"Hie hie Enyo! Slew the beast!" Your mother surely
Begat you as a helper, and since then you live in song.

Envy spoke secretly into the ear of Eris,
"I do not honor the singer who does not sing so great as is the sea."
Eris kicked Envy with her foot and spoke thus:
"The stream of the Assyrian river is great, but it bears
In its water much waste from the earth and much refuse.
The bees do not carry to Deo just any water
But what was pure and unsullied, a small, trickling stream
From a sacred spring, its finest product."
Hail, Lord. Ridicule and Envy away!

Episkopos Cain, ripping off Calimachus something terrible.

Cain

One more tidbit before my fingers drop off

Temple/Cult of Enyo, known as the Phyrgian Goddess Ma. Another name of Bau was Ma, and Nintu, "a form of the goddess Ma", was half a woman and half a serpent, and was depicted with "a babe suckling her breast". And that was an aspect of Tiamat, the chaos dragon, is the Great Mother. She has a dual character. As the origin of good she is the creatrix of the gods.

B_M_W

This thread needs a sticky, pronto. SS Modz, that means YUO.
One by one, we break the sheep from their Iron Bar Prisons and expand their imaginations, make them think for themselves. In turn, they break more from their prisons. Eventually, critical mass is reached. Our key word: Resolve. Evangelize with compassion and determination. And realize that there will be few in the beginning. We are hand picking our successors. They are the future of Discordianism. Let us guide our future with intelligence.

     --Reverse Brainwashing: A Guide http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=9801.0


6.5 billion Buddhas walking around.

99.xxxxxxx% forgot they are Buddha.


Cain



I'll post some thoughts based on this later.  As in, when I feel like doing it.  There are some more quotes and stuff, but they are along the same line as the ones above and mostly to do with the Trojan War, so meh.

Bella

I like this sort of thing very much.
just like in a dream
you'll open your mouth to scream
and you won't make a sound

you can't believe your eyes
you can't believe your ears
you can't believe your friends
you can't believe you're here

Cain

Thanks.  Just posted part three of Kyriakos too, which I have been neglecting far too much.  Part 4 to follow in a bit, where I will actually have to use some of the stuff I studied, as opposed to maps of Attica.

Felix

This is worth a few days dedicated research.  It's worth a lot here.

Another thanks to the esteemed scholar Cain.

Irreverend Hugh, KSC

Quote from: CainHow Eris' deadly spear does shake!
How the whole temple shakes! Away, away with the fearful!
It must be Strife kicking at the door with her fair foot.
Do you not see? The Delian palm nods gently,
All of a sudden; the lance sweeps beautifully in the air.
Bolts of the doors, thrust yourselves back.
Keys--open the doors! For the god is no longer far away.

So, young men, prepare yourselves for fighting and death.
Eris appears not to all, only to the worthy.
He who sees her is great; who does not is lowly.
We will see you, hard-hearted Eris, and we will never be lowly.
Let the cithara not be silent.
Nor your step noiseless with Strife approaching, you children,
If you intend to complete the vows and to ward off Horkos,
And if the wall is to stand on its aging foundations.
Well done the youths; the strings are no longer at rest.

Be silent and hear the song of Eris's glory.
Even the sea is silent, for bards celebrate
The two edged blade or spear, weapons of immortal Strife.
Neither does mother Thetis dare to lament for her Achilles
If she hears, the Lady of Sorrow walk.
Even the weeping rock forgets its griefs--
The sobbing stone forever fixed in Phrygia,
Marble where once a woman gaped sorrowfully.
Cry, "Hie, Hie" it is a poor thing to contest the blessed.
May he who fights with the blessed fight my king,
And may he who fights my king also fight with Eris.
The chorus which sings to Eris with its heart
She will honor. She has the power; even Zeus will not challenge her.
Neither will the chorus sing of Eris for only one day;
She is worthy of many hymns. The brave readily sing of Strife.

Golden is Eris' apple and yet she threw its gold away,
As are her eyes and two bladed sword and sheath of gold;
Golden is her hair, for Eris is rich in gold.
Rich in possessions; for competition brings it own reward.
Always fair, always terrible! Never does
the blood of slain touch her weapons of choice.
Her hair drips the sweat of toil to the ground,
But streaming from the locks of Eris is not fat.
But victory. In the city where these dew drops
Fall to earth all things are secure.

None is so versatile in battle as Eris.
She watches over the cunning; she watches over the bard;
Eris' are both the dagger and song.
Hers are the prophets and prophetesses; from Enyo
Soldiers learn the skill of hastening death.

We call her the goddess of apples since that time
When by the fault of Kheiron she was not invited to honour Peleus
And with burning anger did take the golden apples of the Hesperides.
With ease she did carve the words ,Äúto the Prettiest,Äù
And then rolled it into the wedding hall
Where the three goddesses fought for
Their own vanity and so bought about the,
destruction of the fairest city of Troy.

Men who take cities are followers of
Enyo, for she rejoices in the
art of war and cunning, and Eris herself lays the plans of attack.
At the start of creation Eris fought the Olympians
Acting as escort for the infernal dragon
Strife was Typhon,Äôs escort in the mellay
While the thunderbolts with booming shots reveled
like dancers in the sky, she took no side
Seeking to stop the rulership of either side
Thus did Eris find wisdom inbetween opposing forces

Eris also showed Medea how to aid Jason,
And so defeat the harvested men of Drakon,
Blessing the crested helm with death-bringing hand.
To grant them the fleece. Eris' favour is forever valued.
Oh Eris! Many call you Discordia,
Many Strife. Everywhere he has many a name
But I call her Enyo, as did my ancestors.
Sparta, was among your most loyal.
Scythia second, and third the towns of Thrace.
From the sacking of fairest Ilium by the Achaens
Travelled you to the strife of Thebes. And from Thebes
the battles of Dionysos brought you to the Indian fight,
And he made you there a fine fight. In the city
He prescribed a continuing ritual, Enyo, in which
Many bulls fall to their haunches and die.

Hie, hie, Strife, rarely invoked! Your altars
flow in the blood of all the tyrants and defilers
who would nurture our foes and do us harm,
As well as the destroyers of good. For you the eternal fire,
And never does the ash feed on the coals of yesterday.
Enyo rejoiced greatly when the girded men of Athens
Danced with death and slew the Persians
When the awaited war season came round.
But the Hellens were not yet able to reach
Xerxes' might. They still lived in divided and fractured cities.
The Lady saw these herself and showed them how to fight
As she stood on the jagged hills of Thermopylae, where
Leonidas' men slew the lions of Persia, the Immortals in battle.
Eris has seen no other dance more divine,
Nor, mindful of the previous crimes, had she granted such benefits
To any people as to the doomed. Nor have the children of freedom
Honored any god more than Strife.

"Hie hie Discordia" resounds because her people
Of Thrace first established this refrain
When with your two-edged blade you gave proof of your skill.
A fantastic beast faced you as you descended to nether pits,
A horrible beast. You slew him with one swift blow,
One swift strike after another. The people cried
"Hie hie Enyo! Slew the beast!" Your mother surely
Begat you as a helper, and since then you live in song.

Envy spoke secretly into the ear of Eris,
"I do not honor the singer who does not sing so great as is the sea."
Eris kicked Envy with her foot and spoke thus:
"The stream of the Assyrian river is great, but it bears
In its water much waste from the earth and much refuse.
The bees do not carry to Deo just any water
But what was pure and unsullied, a small, trickling stream
From a sacred spring, its finest product."
Hail, Lord. Ridicule and Envy away!

Episkopos Cain, ripping off Calimachus something terrible.


FUCKING RAAAAAAHHHH!



Spot on, lad!
"Time for the tin-foil hats, girls and boys!"

Prickly

Cain, I love you and want to bear your children.

.... I'm a guy though, so that might be problematic.
Pope Prickly the Pielyamorous Porcupine of the Bent Quarter Cabal and, more recently, the Sunrise If You Dare Cabal

Before the beginning, there was a 50/50 chance of either something or nothing existing. So, something and nothing decided to flip a coin to decide which of them would exist. However, in order for there to be a coin to flip, something had to have already won the toss. Therefore, you only exist because something is a cheating bastard.