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while i have next to no interest in exploring anarchist belief systems online or otherwise, i was willing to participate initially in what seemed like an elaborate troll only because:

chefs kiss to whomever reconstructed this late 90s era webündesgin
oh nostalgia endorphine bliss

but the background reading was making my brain feel uncomfortable.. twisting it into weird little self-reinforcing loops.. so yeah, that identifies it to me as something i should avoid for the purposes of maintaining my own mental health utopia

sweet, thanks! might take me a few days to find the headspace to read up on the background material - but i created an account on the forum, and looking forward to seeing where it takes us

so proud of my eldest kid right now

went over yesterday to meet my ex-wifes-most-recent-ex and now primary caregiver to figure out how we're going to figure out co-parenting, scheduling, etc. worked a lot of things out now we're finally talking - yay, open and honest communication! my son pops into the room, he's writing some fiction and asks us for femme character names. he's giving us both turns to come up with one, but none of them suit. he's not holding back either about how much our suggestions suck - and he's not wrong

just as i'm thinking about how all our name suggestions are aging us - my new co-parent suggests "Ethyl" - so my son calls us out and makes me snort:
"argh, you are terrible at coming up with names - is that why you're both divorced?"

oh, never lose that sense of humour kid!

this sounds like an interesting space to play in - do you have anything more written up?

i think i've cracked it, although now i want to make a boardgame
instead using the 21-point triangle as a tileable terrain template

quit vaping thursday night. not out of choice. not the night before the last work mediation session. day #6 of being too broke to fund an enjoyably self-destructive habit. disability comes in tomorrow, rent will be paid, fridge filled, unemployed. my homes owner placated for the 60 days i have left to find a new roof and employment. over a decade of housing instability like this. i can laugh about it now. never feeling safe. anywhere. another day or so of chewing gum and i'll be together enough to interview again.

a symmetrical asymmetrical tiling mistake
makes a better colouring book
than game engine design document

so much for my physics without numbers
and my pixels without boring ass squares
just hand me fresh crayons

for i hunger for something not on the menu

It now occurs to me that lewd threads like this might also have been a factor. 

The Commander
DIA

it shall always remain a mystery

"don't clap - no - you're just clapping yourselves"
-- Stewart Lee

my partner was wondering why i kept getting trapped in that page, suddenly snapping the book closed and then glaring at it suspiciously from a safe distance while muttering under my breath. so by way of explanation, i started drawing out the implied lines for her on another page. she loved it more

mass marketable sacred geometries are NyQuil for the soul

this mornings whim which i posted about then promptly forgot and kept wondering why i kept getting weird looks

oh sweet! collaboration would be awesome - i was thinking more forbidden as in forbidden fruit - sacred geometries are pleasing and symmetrical, they lull the mind and provide calmness, they are order in the guise of chaos, cheap parlour tricks - forbidden geometries provoke the mind and force it to take on a new imprint while the brain scrambles to find the pattern

slightly better shot, now with more lines!

[The key is not to let outside forces dictate your identity to you. Don't give them an inch.]

this hit me hard. after seven years of thankless struggling through similarly stinking shit, i finally feel like i'm on the surface of the respectable transgender people bubble. everything i've learned to live without is finally within reach of compromise

and i reject it

traitors for headpats are still traitors
and everyone knows what happens to traitors

It's worth noting that if your identity is just palatable to the cis, that's not betrayal. It's actually really important to state that: it is not betrayal to be something "expected."

It's not about everyone being the most outrageous xenogender they can. It's about not compromising with the enemy. If you are binary transmasc, then be that. If you're a fem-leaning enby, then be that. If you're an outrageous fuck-passing genderqueer, then be that. The key is not to let outside forces dictate your identity to you. Don't give them an inch.

But there is also another part. If you are capable of being "one of the good ones", you can't allow that to let you throw your own under the bus. The cis won't help you no matter how respectable you are. They don't care. Witness how many transfem people tried to cater to the far right (not many, but all high-profile) and what they got for their trouble -- hatred and being weaponized against their real peers. The cis don't care, you are always the enemy. Other trans people do care, and we go to extreme lengths to help each other out. And we remember when someone was standing against us in hope of a sparkly star sticker.

There's a reason snitches get kept out of gen pop. I can only imagine the shit some motivated, intelligent trans folks could do to someone who threw their trans siblings in front of the train in hopes they'd get to sit in the back car without quite so much jeering and abuse.

still learning this after most a lifetime trying, and lost some inches i'm never getting back - but around are constant motivational forces asking me to trade integrity for headpats - like with the latest harry potter conversation. i saw many trans women comment on how they felt divided between supporting their siblings and not making their cis friends upset and uncomfortable by calling them out. i posted my unpopular take on fb - and the one cis friend response was just asking forgiveness for the reasons they were going to continue not pushing back on rowling

there's a certain offer of financial stability being floated back my way that would require me to temper my tongue away from its very sharpest

i. just. can't.

this is the one you should listen to - it's a clean simple short recording of a perfectly nice inoffensive ditty:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9WxWLDYijLmemFha1Exd1ZOb3c/view?usp=sharing&resourcekey=0-YJ_Cux-szXJCXXfa2Qe4og

potential dysphoria and sad vibes warning on this one with my vocals - recorded ~2003 after i fell in love with a face i didn't recognise but with a spirit and stamina which made me never want to wake up - it's the same tune, but you don't need to feel any more sad today than you usually would - so best avoided really:
https://drive.google.com/file/d/0B9WxWLDYijLmVUNXRkhjYUlHdFU/view?usp=sharing&resourcekey=0-PQUuoHLEeGhFhNPuJZixLQ

when we talk about the inevitable-end-of-capitalism, what do we really mean? tricky question for who are we have different dreams all. i think it has more to do with nomadic Peer-Identified-Subject-Matter-Experts having the flexibility to drop in and out of local businesses and organisations to help keep them afloat after the tide goes out. motivated flash cabals of consultants no money can buy who build resilience and integrity into the top third of industries to enable and guarantee the smoothest transition to post capitalistic driven structures and consensual non exploitative principles

what does art representing this period look like? it can't. formless and with too many forms to count. less accounting, brutal accountability. subversions of traditional expectation branded ruts by capitalistic impulse realised and repeated ad vomitorium. no names, for it cannot be named in order to be communicated. i ask my canadian chums - whose face is on all your money? do you think that means nothing? try getting your face on every coin note and stamp and then tell me it was nothing. heck - try putting a black woman on anything that those dicks-in-diapers care about but can't control and contain and they spontaneously lose their shit.

what does art representing this period feed on? i say integrity - i reached out to a random local lawyer while disassociating and received a positive response, but as it turns out, that contingency was unnecessary a few hours later when i read their response - i had already brought the corporate monopoly to its knees asking forgiveness without trying to twist any truths together or apart, of this i feel good, so i'll brag about this art and hope my small victory this morning inspires others to not do the same, but coop better:

this hit me hard. after seven years of thankless struggling through similarly stinking shit, i finally feel like i'm on the surface of the respectable transgender people bubble. everything i've learned to live without is finally within reach of compromise

and i reject it

traitors for headpats are still traitors
and everyone knows what happens to traitors