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Messages - Fujikoma

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Or Kill Me / Re: Rant, rant, rant
« on: June 29, 2010, 09:12:27 am »
God... That poor, freakish, light-tanned colored thing... I smashed it, I watched it's legs twitch, and squished it some more, but it kept moving, squirming... And I felt something, something horrid, the same thing I've been so numb to in the past... I was the freaking spider, I was the abomination... I was in both places at once, the one administering the pain, and the one feeling it, and not just that, but other instances I'd caused, though distant, sprang to mind... I remembered all the spiders and bugs I'd killed... I know I had to do it, but I felt like total crap for having done so, and I really don't want to feel like that for such a simple chore as spider slaying...

Or Kill Me / Re: Rant, rant, rant
« on: June 29, 2010, 08:56:11 am »
Glad you're feeling better. I'm feeling better since I got a couple beers in me, I'd like to say I did so in celebration of your birthday, but that would be a load of bullshit... Still, I don't really know any of you guys, but the little bit of reading I've done today, and the idea that this is a Discordian forum, makes me feel slightly closer to ya'll, and generates an almost instant monkeysphere promotion in my mind for everyone I meet here. Try not to be too hard on your mom... I know you're angry, and that I don't know the details, and you likely see her as a mega-bitch, but I hate my mom too... I also care about her a lot. It confuses me, but every now and then I empathize...

It hurts to kill bugs and spiders these days. God, I almost cried when I killed that abominable camel spider I saw yesterday. I could almost hear it screaming

"Why me?! What did I ever do to you?!"...

What's next, am I going to have to be a vegetarian...? Sorry, I like meat too much, but I freaking hate spiders, and now they're hurting me emotionally every time I kill them. I used to be the person people went to to kill freakish bugs and spiders... Now I'm just a husk of my former self. Compassion is eroding my apathy, and I am losing my grip on myself as I used to know him. Stupid conscience, stupid empathy, stupid pain. Urg.

Or Kill Me / Re: He wasn't who he thought he was.
« on: June 29, 2010, 08:44:44 am »
FUCK those guys... But seriously, that's how they do shit. They have a specific set of rules, and they feel like they can't bend those rules for anyone... I used to work for various retail stores, much the same goes on there, but, your highest priority is customer service, and you do your best, or you don't have a job long... Freaking banks and the DMV and such, well, they're not about customer service so much, so, they don't have to keep the idea that "the customer is always right" in their heads all day, so, they provide bad service...

Unfortunately, I think what I just said may be true... The box of chocolates may melt that cold bitch's frozen heart, though.

Or Kill Me / Re: He wasn't who he thought he was.
« on: June 29, 2010, 03:23:49 am »
I think the assholes are always there, perhaps the very presence of bureaucracy is a sort of enabler for the poor asshole, giving them a method of surviving... Unfortunately, the asshole, if left unchecked, will reproduce in unsustainable proportions, either through infection or conception. Therefor, let us not do away with the bureaucracy, and the unfortunate assholes in the process, but put into law a controlled asshole hunting program. A few months out of every year shall be asshole season.

Or Kill Me / Re: Sex Sells!
« on: June 29, 2010, 03:11:26 am »
Maybe it doesn't need to be pointed out, but it sounds like Pavlovian conditioning to me. The repeated stimuli over time of watching the idiot box eventually alters how you feel about the product by assosciating the stimuli with the product itself until eventually, the original stimuli is no longer essential and you salivate every time you hear a bell... The web is so twisted and intricate, and clouds so many minds with consumer culture filth that the only way out is to swear off television and possibly undergo a traumatic chemical experience... At least, it helped ME a little. I finally saw through the haze because of a few of such experiences, even though I hadn't watched television for years.

All that junk just sort of accumulates over time, all those hotwired and short circuited neurons accumulate white matter and eventually become impossible to repair. It's sad, but that's the way it works, IMO.

Or Kill Me / Re: He wasn't who he thought he was.
« on: June 29, 2010, 02:24:28 am »
Leading to a rolling shitball effect... Heaven help those wrecked souls, splattered by the ever-expanding shitmonster.

Or Kill Me / Re: Rant, rant, rant
« on: June 29, 2010, 02:23:06 am »
Could start a fire, always cheers me up.

Seriously, though... Sorry to hear that, hope you get to feeling better.

Or Kill Me / Re: He wasn't who he thought he was.
« on: June 29, 2010, 02:20:54 am »
Positions of power naturally draw abusers and power mongers, just as shit draws flies.

Or Kill Me / Re: Conversations from hell
« on: June 29, 2010, 01:51:43 am »
Great stories, man, I was riveted to the chair the whole time, and I had lots of shit to do...

I'm just glad I've managed to avoid one of those hospitals the times I've done something dangerous enough to get me locked up in one of them. I came REALLY close once, but the psychologist warned me, he said "Now, this question is important, and if you answer it one way, they'll have to put you in a special hospital, if you catch my drift.", I nodded, so he continued "Ok, do you think you might ever try something like that again?", worrying that I might need some kind of serious treatment, as what I was getting wasn't working very well, I paused for a moment, because I was thinking about doing something stupid that very moment, I still decided to answer "No.", to which he replied "Smart move, here's my card, if you ever need to talk about anything.".

I was pretty sure I didn't want to spend any time in a place like that, now that I've read these stories, I'm almost dead certain I made the right decision.

Or Kill Me / Re: He wasn't who he thought he was.
« on: June 29, 2010, 01:20:23 am »
That totally sucks... I've had something similar happen, but not identical...

Seems if the police mangle your home address on your check that they write you to compensate you for the money they took from you when you went to jail, no one will cash it for you. Luckily, one of my coworkers had an aunt who worked in a pawn shop, who agreed to cash the check.

Sometimes I have to get shitfaced drunk just to go to sleep... Otherwise I'll stay up for days. Then, sometimes, getting drunk enough to sleep causes me to sleep for days. It's not like that all the time, though. Sorry to hear you're developing such a tolerance.

Hahaha!... Those durned automated "teammates" would run halfway across the map, like they had some kind of magic nose for pills... The music changes, incomming attack

Francis: Grabbin' pills.
Bill: Oh god-fuck NO!

Yeah, I mostly stick to melatonin, DMAE, THC and alcohol these days, though the alcohol is a REALLY bad idea, it makes me feel better for a little while... Over the counter stuff, nothing too dangerous, except the melatonin might be dangerous, it helps with sleeping and keeps my mood a little more positive. DMAE is just a precursor for choline and acetyl-choline, and that seems to keep me rather stable for some reason I really can't figure out. THC keeps me mellow, and distracts me from negative emotions, but it's not like I use it all the time, only every once in a while, when I feel I REALLY need it.

I could go into more detail as far as things I've seen and done, but I think I've said enough for now... Some of it... Is really, really embarrassing, and I don't want to even think about it, much less talk about it.

I'm also not self-diagnosed, I was found playing matador with traffic on the interstate one day by a bunch of cops, with no memory of how I got there (though, I'm not certain what that has to do with anything, I was under a lot of stress, looking for a job on foot, sat down for a minute, and then *poof*, there I was in the road). I was diagnosed bipolar. I am currently self-medicated, as, well, they cost money, MHMR will no longer treat me due to a substance abuse problem and only one doctor there was qualified to deal with that stuff, as well, the meds caused me other problems that I didn't find acceptable (though I have seen them work very well for others).

I am sorry to hear about such misfortune. I've been seeing doctors my whole life because of behavioral issues, and it was always something different, but wrong... First it was a social anxiety disorder, then it was a cognitive disorder (which got me kicked out of the Army), then I just stopped looking for answers. I've spent my whole life wondering why people seem to have such an easy time with things which cause me great difficulty, I've lost friends, relatives stopped talking to me, I've only been able to develop working coping strategies recently. It's been trial and error up to this point, now, I'm a bit better off, but, I still have my moments.

In an effort to keep the situation from worsening, I have located words that some might find offensive and eliminated them. I hope that helps.

Or Kill Me / Re: The future doesn't want you
« on: June 28, 2010, 11:42:09 pm »
Where are you drawing these character archetypes from?... As I'd like to understand more about what you are saying.

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