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Messages - Doktor Howl

Pages: 1 2 [3] 4 5 6 ... 2016
Or Kill Me / Re: Punching Man 4 where it counts
« on: June 23, 2021, 02:56:11 pm »

I often feel like the Cramulus Guru autopilot is responding...

Well, that was an asshole thing to say.

Yeah. It was. It's the first time I have said anything that assholish in a long, long time.

I guess this means I've transitioned from doormat / tube, to asshole.

That's not necessarily part of the process, but you be you.

Or Kill Me / Re: Punching Man 4 where it counts
« on: June 23, 2021, 02:55:36 pm »

I often feel like the Cramulus Guru autopilot is responding...

Well, that was an asshole thing to say.

I often feel like the Doktor Howl autopilot is responding...

Please listen to our menu options, as they have changed.

For Shut Up, press 1
For Fuck Off, press 2
For Eat Shit and Die, press 3.
For all other requests, please hold on the line and our next customer service agent will be with you shortly.  You are number 7,657,000,000 in line.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 23, 2021, 05:24:31 am »
Birds cannot be trusted.  They are not on our side.

Or Kill Me / Re: Punching Man 4 where it counts
« on: June 22, 2021, 11:38:08 pm »

I often feel like the Cramulus Guru autopilot is responding...

Well, that was an asshole thing to say.

Apple Talk / Re: Letters to James
« on: June 21, 2021, 10:16:45 pm »

It pains me to communicate more than one time in a month…but seeing as how you are in the big house, I believe that is my duty as a Holy Man™ and a man of science to write you while you sit in your metaphorical cell, crawling up the walls.  I have done a great many grotesque things in the last couple of years, so what’s one more, right?

I am surrounded, as I am sure you are, by low people who stare at you funny while you dance to Fontella Bass in your office.  If you can’t dance, why would you have an office in the first place?  If they keep bitching, I’m going to trade it up for Lizzie Hale.  Just imagine it; the mind reels in horror.  Nobody needs to see a 250 pound side of beef dancing to Shatter Me.  Motown is one thing, this is another.

But what to do about these assholes?  They have no soul.  They dislike their own odor.  They have never had fun in their entire lives, and they’re not about to start now.  In a proper world, they’d all be put in cargo containers where nothing will agitate them.  And then maybe dump them in the ocean off Greenland somewhere.

They are the new scum, which is like the old scum except maybe they color their hair and wear “Keep <insert name of city> Weird” shirts.  As if they knew weird.  Their weird is pink hair and dismal, low-grade BDSM, and maybe walking around Second Saturday gawking at the street artists.  But when you or I let our faces slip and show them actual weird, they all crowd to the other side of the bus and call the cops to shoot us stone dead for our own good.

These are the people who work for Mark Zuckerberg as well.  Never forget that.  The people that write bots are parochial and lazy, and context is not - strictly speaking - a thing.  They are the people that tell you there is no cow level, and wonder what you mean when you tell them that the cake is a lie.

I think that’s why the country is so messed up.  People are bored, and boredom breeds laziness.  And laziness makes you stupid, stupid makes you crazy, and crazy makes people vote for Marjorie Taylor Greene and Matt Gaetz, and the old bloated orange thing.

Look at this from a standpoint of SCIENCE, the root cause of failure is in fact boredom, and boredom is curable.  Now, many of the obvious solutions for boredom are illegal now, and are called “terrorism” and “mayhem,” even if you’re just trying to help.  Federal and state law enforcement can be so short-sited.  And I am not so interested as to gamble the rest of my life into a chain link enclosure in Cuba (or the arctic, ho ho, you didn’t hear that from ME.)

So we will have to go the long, patient route.  Be the thing they hate to see.  Be the left wing Big Gay Cowboy that they fear so much, braying spittle and laughter on their pinched, mean-spirited faces.  Have fun right in front of them, in broad daylight, in the middle of the street.   I have thought about this, and I can no longer abet their mindless boredom-inspired hate.  So I quit.

I resign from being white.  This doesn’t mean that I think I’m black or anything.  I am in fact transparent.  You can see my guts and everything.  I’m educational.

I resign from being straight.  My orientation hasn’t actually changed, I’m not claiming to be LGBT, it’s just that Gay folks tend to be more fun than straights, and it’s also my Get Out of Heaven Free Card.  I mean, spending an eternity with Christian conservatives isn’t the selling point they think it is.

I resign from those other serious bastards, the ones on the far left.  They aren’t having any fun, either.  I’m not out to become a right winger, but I am NOT an “ally”.  It’s just that the “woke” people and I just happen to have the same enemies.  Sort of like the USA and UK with the USSR in world war two.  Nobody liked the other guy, but it was better than the Nazis.  Hence my slogan, “The enemy of my enemy is NEXT.”

So our job, James, is to make people shit themselves.  They should only have vague memories of their interactions with us, which they associate with waking up tied to a chair with a bag over your head with an overpowering smell of lighter fluid…While some big tone deaf bastard sings “Rescue Me” accompanied by The James playing a xylophone made out of kittens.  With a taser.

Of course we would never DO such things, as they are illegal.  But it’s not illegal to make people FEEL like we have done those things.

This is surprisingly easy to do.  Just tell Andy in accounting “I can’t quit you” and do the LMFAO shimmy.  Poor Andy.  He can’t take it anymore.  He makes a keening noise, like a wounded dog.  His nose is bleeding.  He hauls down his pants and shits on the floor.  And that’s before the all-hands morale meeting, in which I am inexplicably expected to speak.  Hell, I am writing this letter now, because I need to warm up for said speech.  I am sure that morale will benefit from this because I’m The Boss.

That’s an awful thought.  Hamish is upper management these days.  I feel that there was some sort of error in the universe.  Like one day I was supposed to go straight, but instead made a hard left turn into an alley, and now I’m in the wrong universe.  I was supposed to be a millwright.  I was in fact trained as a millwright, but now I’m overseeing a lab full of cheerfully murderous technicians who, by their powers combined, are the largest moral sump in this state (outside of Phoenix, obviously).

We do morally-questionable science for bad people.  How the fuck am I supposed to improve on the sort of morale THAT generates?  We’re already there.  We are 20 Lex Luthors, with wild eyes and hate in our hearts.    Except for Jared in marketing.   Jared is what would happen if you took Tebow’s brain and put it in Stephen Hawking’s body and sent him off to fight polar bears.  Jared is our woobie.  He is in fact our natural prey.  Of course, he was doomed to begin with.  He is in marketing in business for which you need an NDA to even know what we sell.  Jared has no purpose; he exists solely to be the butt of our jokes.  He thinks we’re laughing with him.  I’d feel bad, if I had the capacity to care about what happens to Jared. 

All of this probably makes me a bad person.  I’m okay with that, because being a good citizen only works if you live in a good society.  We don’t.  So we can do anything we like.


-   DOK

Apple Talk / Letters to James
« on: June 21, 2021, 10:16:07 pm »
A friend of mine is on a 30 day FB ban, so I have started writing him letters.

Dear James,

Remember when we all used to worry about Large Hardon Collider thingie being turned on and fucking up the timeline?  Well, if you look at the date they turned it on, it explains everything.  It ran from 2010 to 2013 before being shut down for “upgrades”.  Then it ran from 2015 to 2018, and then stopped for MORE upgrades.

And we all know what happened from 2015 until now, right?  Leaving the Bloated One aside, 2015 killed all of our heroes and 2016 showed us that the ones that didn’t die were all perverts & abusers.  Murder hornets.  Plague.  An insurrection AND the boat got stuck, and believe you me, the current economic disruption from that has just started.  And the entire time all of this has been going on, Trump has been weaponizing stupidity and using it against the American people.

Do your part, James:  Whup on a Swiss physicist today.

I mean, it’s not like you Ohioans are any strangers to violence, after all.  There’s footage James, of you at the Godless Mingle meet up, yanking the colostomy right bag off of that dude who wouldn’t shut up about his “Blasphemous Bible” and wearing it like a party hat.  Not to mention Shauna <last name redacted for PD> explaining contemporary feminism to po’buckers with a meat hammer.

It is just this sort of nonstop violence that is driving us all to cheap drugs.  Do better.

Speaking of which, I am now down a tech because one of my guys did the road rage thing the other day and shot a couple of people.  But nobody involved was from Ohio, which strikes me as odd, in that only one person died.  Mindless murder & mayhem here are generally taken far more seriously.

This is all very inconvenient, of course, because we still have DEFF ROBOTS to build, and now I have a bottleneck in carbon production.  How the fuck am I supposed to make murder machines when my employees keep murdering people?  It’s like they don’t understand the difference between retail and wholesale.

So, if you know anyone who likes 113-degree temperatures and doesn’t plan to kill anyone at a gas station because someone cut in line, send me their resume.  I mean, 113 sounds bad, and I am sure 120 sounds worse (that’s next month), but 120 is only half way from water freezing to water boiling, and I think that’s reasonable.

But this letter isn’t about savagery, James, it’s about SCIENCE.  And nobody does SCIENCE to people like we do, here in The Corporation™.  For example, did you know that aquatic drones are 170% as terrifying to people as airborne drones?  It’s a fact, proven by large poll sampling and maybe a little bit of empirical testing which may or may not have pushed the boundaries of our ethical rules.  Probably has something to do with hardwired crocodile fears from when we were all still living in Africa, way back when Mitch McConnell was young.

The best thing about aquatic drones is that weight isn’t really an issue, so you can throw everything AND the kitchen sink in that bastard.  In fact, the USA just finished building an aircraft carrier which cost $12.8 billion (not including aircraft, etc) and it was obsolete when they built it, and they knew it was obsolete when they built it.

Because, of course, that small fact has nothing to do with appropriations committees in the house and senate.  They will build you a piece of shit and you will like it, because our entire economy has been predicated on doing just that since 1947. 

Which seems sustainable as hell, right?

I am not going to go into specifics about what we’re doing, because frankly it’s Nerd Level 1000 stuff and would bore you silly.  Just rest assured that we are in fact on the case, we are in fact committed to success.  Because I have a dream, James.  I have a dream that sometime in the not-so-distant future, our creations will mindlessly fight each other long after we’re all gone.

And that doesn’t even figure on aliens.  And let me tell you, I fucking hate aliens.  You can’t trust aliens for the same reason you can’t trust gods, and that reason is they aren’t human and don’t have human motives.  So I have an interest in drones that can last a long, long time.

And on the day that alien archeologists show up and try to figure out what happened to the noble primates of Sol III, they will ask themselves many questions…But the only important question they will ask is “Did you just hear something by the hatch?”  The survivors will flee, and they will put Earth off limits as a horrible nightmare of a death trap, and I will finally get what I always wanted:  A little peace and quiet.

I don’t feel this is unreasonable.  I am connected to the internet, and goddamn are humans LOUD.  They never shut up.  Governor Abbott in Texas is now jabbering that he’ll build Trump’s wall across his state, and Marjorie Taylor Greene is stating that diseases can’t mutate because she doesn’t believe in evolution, and Ted Cruz is on about the LGBT crowd again because someone might choose to shit in “the wrong bathroom” and we’re still dumping plastic in the ocean.

What the hell am I SUPPOSED to do? 

Build DEFF BOTs, of course.  It is the way.  Let’s face facts:  You don’t like primates and I don’t like primates and with 7,685,000,000 of them running lose, you can feel free to thank us.

Because The Corporation™ has a solution.

Until next time,


Apple Talk / Re: How to eliminate yourself as a force for good.
« on: June 19, 2021, 01:22:00 am »

Cannot speak to this specific circumstance, but most white people would rather posture and act like they’re considering POC in their politics by referencing them in every reason they’re doing fucking nothing than to actually take the step of including them in actual decisionmaking OR just accepting that they’ve got an unbalanced racially homogenous core group and trying to do right by the outgroup with that ingroup. You’re never gonna get a “diverse” climate action committee in fucking Montana for instance, and Australia is worse — so you have to just try to do what you can.

Well, that's just it.  On top of all the other crimes committed against people of color, we are now ALSO using them as a reason to do fuck all about anything whatsoever.

Humans are crap.  There should not be humans, and if we HAVE to have humans, they should shut up.

Apple Talk / Re: How to eliminate yourself as a force for good.
« on: June 18, 2021, 08:04:47 pm »
And there is of course the horrible truth that the vast amount of the wealth,  privilege power and control is still centralised within white communities, centuries of exploitation and all that has not gone away over night.
I'm not saying it's a good or bad thing but it's a simple fact: That to enact proper lasting ecological protection we are going to need the majority of white people on board.

Well, yes.

But this isn't about climate change.  It's politics.

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Random News Stories
« on: June 18, 2021, 07:13:58 pm »
Netanyahu refuses to leave the prime minister's residence and has Trump ex-officials visiting to call him "prime minister"  I shit you not.

Apple Talk / Re: How to eliminate yourself as a force for good.
« on: June 18, 2021, 06:19:40 pm »
What kills me about this is that climate change affects the poorest first, which unhappily includes a large percentage of people of color.

So mission accomplished, I guess.

Apple Talk / How to eliminate yourself as a force for good.
« on: June 18, 2021, 06:14:22 pm »

But now the group, School Strike 4 Climate Auckland, said in a lengthy Facebook post on Saturday that it will disband over concerns it has become a “white-dominated space”.

The statement said: “School Strike 4 Climate Auckland is disbanding as an organisation.This is under the suggestion and guidance of the BIPOC (Black, Indigenous and People of Colour) members of our group, as well as individual BIPOC activists and organisations.

So basically, fighting climate change is now a racist activity.

Apple Talk / Re: The Elephant in the Living Room, part 1
« on: June 15, 2021, 07:17:17 pm »
Is it the QAnon Crowd (Margorie Taylor Greene and the like) vs. the rest of the Republican party? Or some other dividing line? Either way I'd love more details about what you're seeing if you've got the time.

I haven't yet spotted who is the figurehead for "the rest of the Republican party". Who has the guts to primary Trump? Who will split the base and start the infighting?

Right now, no currently-elected republican (aside from Romney, Kinzinger, and Cheney) will raise his hand against Trump, but McCarthy and his crowd aren't happy, and neither are a dozen GOP senators.

The reason they don't speak out is that Trump can doom any of them.  He can't help them, but he CAN squash their careers in the next election.

He's more of a king-breaker than a king-maker.

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: June 15, 2021, 04:46:59 am »
What the actual fuck? I suppose it's a good thing he never had a case of "work rage".

That was in fact the hot topic of the water cooler crowd today.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 14, 2021, 07:34:45 pm »
Faust, Cain:  We have an Italian dude in the waiting room, and I can't tell if it's a bot or not.

Apple Talk / Re: The Elephant in the Living Room, part 1
« on: June 14, 2021, 07:33:09 pm »
Looking back 5 years later, it's fun watching the right to do itself what the left did to itself in 2016.

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