Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Two vast and trunkless legs of stone => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 23, 2012, 05:29:52 PM

Title: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 23, 2012, 05:29:52 PM
Dear Reverend Johnson,

I received your letter yesterday, informing me of the horrible dangers associated with the possible reelection of President Barack Obama.  I couldn't help noticing, though, that you referred to him as "Barack Obama", and Mitt Romney as "Governor Romney".  The fact is that Obama should properly be referred to as "President Obama", as he is in fact a sitting president...And while Mitt Romney may enjoy the title "Governor" in perpetuity, he is not in fact a sitting governor, so I find it odd that you extended the honorific to him, but not to the president.

Also, while I understand your religious views on Gay marriage, I ask you to understand that our system of government and our rights as citizens do not spring from your church.  In fact, you remain untaxed as an example of how you are supposed to be apolitical, just as the government is not a religious function.  Given that you do not feel constrained to perserve this separation, I feel I have no choice but to ask my congressional representative to have your tax exempt status removed, with back taxes accruing from 1955 to the present.

In addition, your letter referred to a member of my family as "perverse" and "evil".  Not personally, but by virtue of your statements about Gays, transgendered folks, etc.  Given that this member of the family is 16 years old, I'd think she'd hardly have had TIME to gain that status.  She's a KID, you see, and I find your gleeful wishes of hellfire for her to be more than a little offensive.  May I suggest that you move past the old testament, and perhaps read what Jesus actually said?  You appear to be a little...Well, there's no easy way to say this:  You are ignorant about the very religion you preach, and seem to have replaced it with a virulent poison that is a stain on America and the American way of life.

I am not a biblical scholar, sir, but I HAVE read the book of Luke.  It talks about this "Jesus" fellow, who didn't hate on anybody.  He in fact hung out with prostitutes and tax collectors, because they are apparently the only people that CAN be saved.  You'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.  If Jesus came back today, you'd be the first one running for a hammer and some nails, and you'd claim that you were doing it for his own good.

Lastly, I am unimpressed with your appeal for school reform.  School is where children learn about how the temporal world works.  When it's time for them to learn about spirituality, we have churches for that.  But not your church, I am afraid.  No, my children will not be attending your church, as it looks more like a White supremacy organization than a church, and the religion you preach appears to be some horrible form of demonology.

Reverend, I implore you to save yourself.  Renounce your hate and find Jesus.  Not Paul of Tarsus, but Jesus.  Leave your vile hatred behind, lest God spit you from his mouth in disgust.  And don't vote for Mormons, their cosmology is just as bad as that crap you spew.

Yours in The Fighting Jesus,
The Good Reverend Roger
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: LMNO on October 23, 2012, 05:38:47 PM
Nice.  Restrained, actually.


In a related note, we were discussing at band practice last night that Paul could very well have been a self-hating gay:

"I mean, he obviously hated women, while also loathing other gay men..."

"Plus, he changed his name to something less Jewish once he got really famous!"
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on October 23, 2012, 05:44:17 PM
I love the letter!

I don't suppose you could post the offending material, and maybe drop this guy's name and address so that I could ... convey my heartfelt support to his mission?
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 23, 2012, 05:45:41 PM
Quote from: V3X on October 23, 2012, 05:44:17 PM
I love the letter!

I don't suppose you could post the offending material, and maybe drop this guy's name and address so that I could ... convey my heartfelt support to his mission?

I'll scan it when I get home.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 23, 2012, 05:46:19 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 23, 2012, 05:38:47 PM
Nice.  Restrained, actually.

I felt that cutting would be more fun than bludgeoning, this time around.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 23, 2012, 05:50:49 PM
This is how EVERYBODY should be responding to their shit. Well done.  :lulz:
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on October 23, 2012, 05:58:08 PM
Sweet! Especially this part

QuoteYou'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 23, 2012, 06:06:29 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on October 23, 2012, 05:58:08 PM
Sweet! Especially this part

QuoteYou'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|

Balls.  It amuses me, and that's all I'm out to accomplish.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Internet Jesus on October 23, 2012, 06:09:12 PM
Meh.  Needs MOAR goat blood and "hail satan".  Pentagrams doodled in thee margins would be a nice touch.  A reference to Varg having the right idea would also be a nice inside joke, too.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 23, 2012, 06:10:22 PM
Quote from: Internet Jesus on October 23, 2012, 06:09:12 PM
Meh.  Needs MOAR goat blood and "hail satan".  Pentagrams doodled in thee margins would be a nice touch.  A reference to Varg having the right idea would also be a nice inside joke, too.

I write those all the time.  I was going for "contempt", not "batshit" this time.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on October 23, 2012, 06:15:06 PM
Quote from: Man Yellow on October 23, 2012, 06:06:29 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on October 23, 2012, 05:58:08 PM
Sweet! Especially this part

QuoteYou'll notice he didn't spend a lot of time with the Pharisees...And you, sir, are a Pharisee.

However, you do realise his cognitive faculty is crippled in such a way he is utterly incapable of processing your message. Or any message, for that matter, which contradicts his programming.

Which is a shame, since your position is pretty much irrefutable using normal rational thought paradigms.

In summary: Sending it will accomplish nothing, unless you enclose a dab of anthrax or something splodey  :|

Balls.  It amuses me, and that's all I'm out to accomplish.

It's all good, then. It amused me, too. Bonus!
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on October 23, 2012, 06:20:13 PM
Something I've used on irl faithfools which is tried and tested:

I am gay/pro-choice/Athiest and it looks like you're going to have to sort this out yourself, given that your all powerful creator apparently doesn't have the stones to take me on himself.

makes their little faces go a hilarious shade of purple
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on October 23, 2012, 06:24:31 PM
This is a thing of beauty and a joy forever.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Juana on October 23, 2012, 06:41:18 PM
:golfclap: Perfect.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on October 23, 2012, 06:50:05 PM
Twid likey.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Juana on October 23, 2012, 06:54:24 PM
Although if you're going for contempt, I think you could actually crank it up a little. Some biblical citations, perhaps.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 23, 2012, 06:58:33 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on October 23, 2012, 06:54:24 PM
Although if you're going for contempt, I think you could actually crank it up a little. Some biblical citations, perhaps.

I suppose.  I'm aiming for calling him a bad Christian for rage-inducement.

Luke 6:46, maybe?
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Juana on October 23, 2012, 07:01:04 PM
Yes.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Eater of Clowns on October 23, 2012, 07:17:27 PM
I like it, especially since you come across as genuinely concerned.  You don't outwardly wish him ill will and come across as the reasonable figure providing love and affection in contrast to his exclusion and hatred.

I don't think adding bible verses to this one is a good idea; it'll provide a quotation war in the event he responds.  A response is great, but it seems like you'd rather provoke a moral argument here rather than a dogmatic one.  Have some dug up just in case he plays that card, but don't be the first one to play it.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Signora Pæsior on October 23, 2012, 08:01:03 PM
This is perfect!
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Internet Jesus on October 23, 2012, 09:29:10 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 23, 2012, 05:38:47 PM
Nice.  Restrained, actually.


In a related note, we were discussing at band practice last night that Paul could very well have been a self-hating gay:

"I mean, he obviously hated women, while also loathing other gay men..."

"Plus, he changed his name to something less Jewish once he got really famous!"

He totally was. What do you think the "thorn in his flesh" was, an eye ailment?  No way, dude loved cock and he didn't want to.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on October 23, 2012, 10:28:27 PM
I think it's exactly perfect. Cutting is what it called for.

Maybe send a copy to  the local paper, as well.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Luna on October 24, 2012, 02:25:47 AM
Beautifully done, and I second Nigel's suggestion to send a copy along to the local paper.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Aucoq on October 24, 2012, 03:39:57 AM
That's a great letter, Man Yellow.  I like that you needled him enough for it to hurt without going overboard so he automatically ignores whatever you say.  I really hope he sends you a reply.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Mangrove on October 24, 2012, 07:43:32 PM
Quote from: Aucoq the Fairy Queen on October 24, 2012, 03:39:57 AM
That's a great letter, Man Yellow.  I like that you needled him enough for it to hurt without going overboard so he automatically ignores whatever you say.  I really hope he sends you a reply.

Likewise. I love the thought of a published volume of Roger vs Preacher correspondence.

The OP is fantastic. I think Roger struck a very fine balance between rational discussion and zing. I'm going to show Mrs Mang the letter because she fired off something like this to the minister of her former church after her mom died. It pointedly but diplomatically went along the lines of:

"You seem to be all about building up membership and yet, you were happy to ignore my mom when she was dying in a nursing home while cashing the 'tithe' from her social security checks. Pretty sure Jesus wasn't into that. Oh and by the way, the only actual Christian woman who visited her frequently was a total stranger (ie: not in your church) who would go in and read the bible to her."

Mrs Mang saw the minister at a funeral a few months later. Unsurprisingly, he blanked her.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on October 24, 2012, 08:42:57 PM
I third Nigel's sugestion. EMPHATICALLY.  :)
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: hunter s.durden on October 28, 2012, 06:48:24 AM
Quote from: Internet Jesus on October 23, 2012, 06:09:12 PM
Meh.  Needs MOAR goat blood and "hail satan".  Pentagrams doodled in thee margins would be a nice touch.  A reference to Varg having the right idea would also be a nice inside joke, too.

I disagree with this.
Rog, your approach is perfect.
When Christians see all the "hail Satan" stuff it just reinforces their belief that heathens like us are all puppets of Satan and their holy war is needed to protect their Christian brethren from the influence of such nonsense. It's expected. Hell, it's almost craved. It keeps the fear mongers in business.
Roger's approach forces the subject to look at his own theology, philosophy, and general belief system. He has to take a deep look at his beliefs (if he's being honest with himself) and say "Am I right?" It challenges him to take an honest look at the belief system as a whole.

My brother, a Christian, gets this. He is pro gay marriage and anti theocracy because, at his core, he knows these aren't the true paths of righteousness. Then again, he finds organized Christianity offensive due to its impersonal nature. I hope more Christians give that narrow minded bullshit some scrutiny based on the actual gospel.
The Luke touch is especially nice. My brother often cites that; Jesus never hated the whores and taxmen, he loved them, and we thought that was the point of it all.

Or maybe God just hates fags. Yeah, that's easier. It takes no effort or understanding, and we can get right to the blood.
Title: Re: Please critique my response to a religious mass-mailing from a local church.
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on October 31, 2012, 06:57:18 PM
Post split bump.