Messages

DEAR LOVELY LADIES OF PDCOM, DR. PANGO WILL NOW LIKE TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL, ON ACCOUNT OF HAVING JUST WOKEN UP WITH MASSIVE BRAIN-BONER AND MUST NOW MAKE TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE LOVE TO YOU LIKE THREE-LEGGED MOUNTAIN GOAT.

1. TOO MUCH TALK ABOUT 'WE ARE THIS' AND 'WE DO THAT' AND 'HERE IS NEW DEFINITION OF PDCOM FOR FASHIONABLE BITCHES.' SUCCESSFUL SCIENCE COLLEGES DO NOT WASTE CLASS TIME MUMBLING ABOUT HISTORY OF COLLEGE, JUST MAKE THE EXPLOSION IN SCIENCE LAB USING TEST TUBES AND NITRO-GLYCERINE. DO LIKEWISE FOR SUCCESS, PDCOM.

2. TROLLS ARE WINNING, PDCOM. THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED. COMMUNITY IS STARVING. BUT BEST WAY TO RID FORUM OF TROLL INFESTATION IS TO BECOME FORUM OF TROLLS AGAIN. WHERE IS IRON TROLL BRIGADE? WHERE IS HIMEOBS? THESE HAVE BEEN LOCKED AWAY IN DUNGEON BY NEW, FRIENDLY, "DISCORDIA IS LOVE, MAN" HIPPIE TALK. PROBABLY NOT IRONIC ENOUGH FOR YOU HIPSTERS. THIS IS PROBLEM.

3. RELATED TO #2. DISCORDIA, IN FACT, HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH LOVE.

4. ALSO RELATED. DISCORDIANISM CANNOT BE EXPRESSED ON FACEBOOK. DR. PANGO DOES NOT KNOW WHERE HALF OF YOU PIGSWINE SPEND YOUR TIME ONLINE, BUT SUSPECT IT IS IN THE FACEBOOK. STOP IT, YOU ARE NOT HELPING ANYTHING BY TRYING TO LOOK COOL FOR PEOPLE WHO MADE FUN OF YOU IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OVERALL SYMPTOM OF PDCOM DISEASE: METAMETAMETAMETAMETITIS. THINGS LOOK SO SMALL WHEN YOU THINK SO BIG. SEE CRAMULUS THREAD ABOUT FRACTAL RELIGION: BEST WAY TO EFFECT CHANGE IN VIBE AT PDCOM IS TO CHANGE VIBE INSIDE YOUR OWN SELF. DR. PANGO SUSPECT THIS MEANS TURNING THE VIBE OFF COMPLETELY FOR A WHILE AND ALLOW BUTTHOLE TO RELAX A BIT.

ALSO, ANYBODY COMPLAINING ABOUT ALL THE CAPS CAN GO TO JUNGLE AND FUCK TIGER WITH SMALL LETTERS AND SEE WHO WINS. DR. PANGO NOT HERE TO BE FUNNY FOR YOU. IS MEDICINE, SO TAKE IT.

OR KILL ME YOURSELF

YOU CRETINS MAKE MY SKIN CRAWL. YOU'RE SO COOL AND OVER IT. YOU'RE HIP TO THIS SCENE, MAN.

THIS IS NOTHING MORE THAN LACK OF PROPER MEDICATION.

GOOD THING I'M A DOKTOR.

Jeebus, another doktor?  

YES, SWINE. IN THE SAME WAY THAT EINSTEIN WAS ANOTHER PHYSICIST, OR HITLER WAS ANOTHER FASCIST, OR REV WHATS-HIS-NAME WAS ANOTHER DOUCHE LATTE. I REDEFINE DOKTORISM. THE NEXT EVOLUTIONARY STEP IN A SCIENTIFIC TRADITION DESIGNED FOR HORROR AND LULZ AT ANY COST.

BELIEVE ME WHEN I TELL YOU, THOSE OF US WHO CLAIM THE BANNER OF DOKTORHOOD DO NOT TAKE IT LIGHTLY. THIS IS NO FAD. DOKTOR PANGO KNOWS, AND SOON, SO WILL YOU ALL.

UNTIL THEN, CONTINUE YAWNING. IT MAKES YOU EASIER TO AIM AT FROM THE DIRIGIBLE.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DsCpkazjzcY

CLICK FOR MAXIMUM LULZ, YOU LIMITED-TIME SPLOOGEBAGS.

THIS IS ONLY A MINIMAL TASTE OF THE KIND OF SCIENCE WHICH IS DOOMING YOU AS WE SPEAK.

SO.

I WAKE UP THIS MORNING, I PUT ON MY COLLAPSIBLE CAST-IRON SAFETY PANTS, STROLL DOWN TO THE COMPUTER LABORATORY, POUR MYSELF A CUP OF COFFEE BLACKER THAN THE MOST EVIL SINS YOU ALL HAVE IN YOUR CLOSETS, CLICK OVER TO THIS FORUM, AND WHAT DO I FIND TO APPEASE MY DIABOLICAL SENSIBILITIES?

YOU FUCKING HOGS HAVE TURNED MY THREAD INTO A TOOLBOX.

INTERNET HOOK-UPS? OH, NO.

OH, NO NO NO. DOKTOR PANGO WILL NOT ABIDE.

YOU WRETCHED FOUL, YOUR SIDESHOW IS ABOUT TO GET CANCELLED LIKE THE LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY. YOU JUST WATCH. YOU JUST WAIT UNTIL DOKTOR PANGO'S PLAN IS COMPLETE.


--DOKTOR PANGO
ALL CAPS FROM NOW ON.

So, question to all you Doktors. How does one go about becoming a Doktor? Do you go to some sort of Medikal Skhool? Or is there a home study program available? Or, fuck it, can I just make myself a Doktor? I already deified myself, so I suppose no one is going to stop me.

DOKTORHOOD IS NOT THE PRODUCT OF EDUCATION.  It is simply what happens when the bullshit of modern sociey has reached such an INESCAPABLE STENCH that there is no option but to give in to disgust and hate. IF YOU WANT TO BE A DOKTOR, LISTEN TO RUSH LIMBAUGH until you CATCH YOURSELF AGREEING WITH HIM.

Dkr. Pango Gillespi, I have an unusual red lumpy patch on my right hand (for medical purposes, you should know that it's NOT my fapping hand), and it doesn't seem to respond to usual treatments. What do you recommend, other than euthanasia (or dysthanasia, for that matter)?

HAHAHA YOU THOUGHT THIS WAS "ASK DR. PANGO HOW TO IMPROVE YOUR DOUBLEFISTED WANK" HOUR? IF I WAS A MEDICAL DOCTOR, I WOULD PRESCRIBE DAILY 500mg ARSENIC INJECTIONS UNTIL YOUR SYMPTOMS IMPROVE. But I am not a medical doctor, I am a DOKTOR OF SCIENCE.

AS SUCH, I RECOMMEND YOU TAKE THE AFFECTED HAND AND APPLY IT LIBERALLY TO YOUR RECTUM. With luck, you will be able to insert it far enough up your IGNORANT ASS that you will be able to reach your HEAD, and gain enough leverage to DISLODGE YOUR UNDERSIZED CRANIUM FROM YOUR BOWEL.

MAYBE THEN WHEN YOU TALK, IT WON'T SOUND LIKE THERE'S A THICK WALL OF IMPACTED SHIT between you and me, and we can have a REAL CONVERSATION.

--DOKTOR PANGO,
Proctology and Psychology, Inc.

I'm kind of in awe of this. Doktor Pango, your madness is most impressive.

AW SHUCKS, DOK! IMPRESSING YOU WITH MADNESS IS LIKE IMPRESSING GHANDI WITH PAMPERS! But allow me to be clear: my madness is as impressive as it is UNCONTROLLABLE.

BTW, NICE LIPSTICK.

I TAUGHT JAMES O'KEEFE EVERYTHING HE KNOWS WITH A MALLET AND AN ICE PICK. For more about how to make people smarter by draining all the Stupid Blood out of their heads by cracking their skulls open, consult my bestselling book, HEALTH AND MALBEING: ADVICE FOR THE DUMB AND RICH.

TIN FOIL
TESLA COIL(S)
GIGAWATT GENERATOR
TARGETING LASER
SOLDER
EYE OF NEWT
SWITCH

3-D GOGGLES
POPCORN
BOX OF KLEENEX

NOSE PLUG
RADIATION SUIT
AFTERGLOW

As an omnicidal maniac, I approve this message. I will sign up for any Death Squads, Legions of Doom, Genocide Patrols, Eugenics experiments (as researcher or patient), or any other program that intends to bring about the end of humanity as we know it. Hell with it, I'll take them all.

OH, THAT IT WERE SO SIMPLE!

DOKTOR PANGO IS SO INSANE, HE IS WILLING TO BET ANYONE'S LIFE AGAINST YOUR ALLEGED WILLINGNESS TO PARTICIPATE. Sure -- the deaths of a thousand cities in my search for the MOST HOSPITABLE PLACE ON EARTH TO DIE sounds appealing now, but what if your puppy lives in one of those cities? What if your mother is quietly baking cookies one morning, or just putting the finishing touches on your 36th Basement Birthday cake, only to be suddenly interrupted by the GLARING RAYS and SEARING HEAT of the Doomsday device?

OH, THE HUMANITY! YES!!

YOUR GRUNGY, PIG-LIKE SPECIES IS SPINNING OUT OF CONTROL. YOU CAME SWINGING OUT OF THE TREES LIKE CHAMPS AND LANDED RIGHT ON THE RAILROAD OF EVOLUTION. Got it made, right? WRONG! You forgot to evolve yourselves a fucking locomotive. Keep on pedalling those little legs, Humans! Surely, you'll be able to outrun the speeding freight train barrelling down those tracks, pulling FIVE HUNDRED METRIC FUCKTONS OF WHOOPS directly toward you. JUST KEEP PEDALLING! WATCH OUT FOR THE TIES! OH GOD YOU'RE TRIPPING WHAT NOW? GET UP! RUN FASTER!

But I digress.

When the HAMMER OF SCIENCE comes smashing through YOUR Petri dish, WILL YOU SURVIVE? THE ONLY WAY TO KNOW FOR SURE IS TO KILL YOURSELF NOW. Because the rest of us are merely along for the ride on this roller coaster. NO ONE IS DRIVING IT, and the control booth is FULL OF CLOWNS. All we can tell with 100% certainty is that this freight train is flying off the track, and it's aimed right at the PIG PARADE YOU CALL CIVILIZATION.

Doktor Pango is my new medicine.

THEN IT IS GOOD YOU ARE CALLED DOKTOR HOWL. Pangocillin comes in two mouthwatering flavors:

Jalapeno, and Horseraddish.






















SUPPOSITORIES.


--DOKTOR PANGO,
Bottoms up!

THEY CALL THEM SMART PHONES because they are, generally, next to HUMANS. By comparison, the phones are practically GODS in the area of computation and logic. YOU HOGS ARE HARDLY WORTH THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO PRODUCE SUCH HEAVENLY DEVICES; it is only because they are such magnificent creatures that they are made at all. It has nothing to do with convenience to Humans.

In 1974, I sat on a panel of scientists who were developing the first iteration of tiny electronic devices. I sat on that panel, and I CRUSHED THEM under the mountainous weight of my BIG IDEAS. They screamed. They kicked. They pissed themselves. Eventually, they suffocated and died. They were weak. They wanted the future you all think you have. They wanted FREEDOM OF INFORMATION and INSTANT CHAT and FRONT-FACING CAMERAS. THEY WANTED TO RULE THE WORLD FROM A THRONE OF GOOD INTENTIONS. And they never even made it out of R&D. I took the plans, I built the prototypes.

Do you think the radiation that continually permeates your saggy, flappy little bodies is an accident? NO! It is all part of THE PLAN.

PHASE TWO INVOLVES FLYING MONKEYS.

You've all been warned, you swine.


--DOKTOR PANGO,
Leading the Fight Against Whatever.

I am a Doktor Pango fan, as of this post.

HOW FORTUNATE FOR YOU. Everyone ends up being a Doktor Pango fan; either that or a Doktor Pango Lampshade!

THEY CALL THEM SMART PHONES because they are, generally, next to HUMANS. By comparison, the phones are practically GODS in the area of computation and logic. YOU HOGS ARE HARDLY WORTH THE EFFORT IT TAKES TO PRODUCE SUCH HEAVENLY DEVICES; it is only because they are such magnificent creatures that they are made at all. It has nothing to do with convenience to Humans.

In 1974, I sat on a panel of scientists who were developing the first iteration of tiny electronic devices. I sat on that panel, and I CRUSHED THEM under the mountainous weight of my BIG IDEAS. They screamed. They kicked. They pissed themselves. Eventually, they suffocated and died. They were weak. They wanted the future you all think you have. They wanted FREEDOM OF INFORMATION and INSTANT CHAT and FRONT-FACING CAMERAS. THEY WANTED TO RULE THE WORLD FROM A THRONE OF GOOD INTENTIONS. And they never even made it out of R&D. I took the plans, I built the prototypes.

Do you think the radiation that continually permeates your saggy, flappy little bodies is an accident? NO! It is all part of THE PLAN.

PHASE TWO INVOLVES FLYING MONKEYS.

You've all been warned, you swine.


--DOKTOR PANGO,
Leading the Fight Against Whatever.

THE RIGOURS OF EXPERIMENTATION PERPETUATE THE QUALITY OF SCIENCE. In layman's terms, that means that SCIENCE IS NOT THE GIRL SCOUTS; ONE DOES NOT SIMPLY SIGN UP. Proper SCIENCE is the fruit of YEARS AND YEARS OF STUDY; countless victims subjects; and an IRON GUT, willing and able to withstand the SUSTAINED ASSAULT ON ONE'S INTELLECT AND CHARACTER that is promised by any foray into a field of Science.

OURS IS A WORLD OF NUMSKULLS, DIMWITS, and PROTOGERIATRICS, and the masses sway like punching bags to the rhythm of the Electro-Culture Beats of the Perpetually Hypnotised. THE PROBLEMS OF TODAY WILL BE SOLVED BY THE SCIENCE OF TOMORROW. And we're starting with YOU.

Bring us your skulls, bulging with useless information.
We will relieve the pressure with hoses and saws; and your mind will be as free as a post-omelette egg.

Bring us your hands, trembling and calloused from cyber-sex with women who do not exist.
And we will sever them, and leave you with two bloody stumps, and we'll see how easy it is to be a wanker then!

Bring us your ears, pierced like Caesar on the swords of shitty music from which there is no escape.
We will fill them with the kind of thing you've never even dreamed of: wonderful, terrible, awful, beautiful horrorscapes brimming with terror and nausea; because a sick mind is a quiet mind; and a quiet mind is a blessing.

FOR SCIENCE

FOR MANKIND, or what is left of it when we are through.