Hi all,
It suddenly struck me that Intermittens might benefit from a quasi-serious Whoroscope column (my suggestion for the title: Whoroscope). In case anyone wants to add such a thing to the mag, I'll kick off the first column right here:
Your Birthday Today
November [Insert Date Here], 2008
Happy anniversary of being pushed headfirst from your mother's vagina! Today will bring an unexpected surprise or two from a person you haven't met in awhile. I don't wanna spoil the fun, so I'll just say this: it rhymes with menital merpes.
Aries
March 21-April 19
You'll incur some unexpected expenses in the coming months, mainly in the form of strip-club bills. Try to counteract this financial offset with some extra frugality right now.
Taurus
April 20-May 20
You'll receive an unexpected and pleasant call today from some piece of ass that totally wants to jump your bones. Unfortunately, the resulting Butterfly Effect from the phone ringing will cause the destruction of a village in India. Good luck dealing with your guilt, fucker.
Gemini
May 21-June 20
Mars is in peak zenith to the arc of Saturn at Capricorn, and erstwhile the astrological configurations of Io are in conjunction with the thelema of your body's quark spin. You know what that means . . .
Cancer
June 21-July 22
Your astrological sign is retarded, and causes pain and suffering to millions. Go throw yourself to the river.
Leo
July 23-August 22
Marital relations should be approached with caution in the next few days. Especially since your wife caught you crooning the name of that new hottie down in HR during your sleep. I mean, damn.
Virgo
August 23-September 22
You've undoubtedly been feeling a surge of energy and good vibes recently, leading you to greet others with a smile and a "Howdy-do!" in the mornings. Well, stop it. That shit is annoying for those of us who aren't morning people.
Libra
September 23-October 22
Take off that tie; you look like an idiot in purple. Your black one is at the back of your closet, on the left.
Scorpio
October 23-November 21
Go grab a copy of today's local paper and check the Advanced Crossword. You got it? Okay: do you have any idea what the hell 21 Down is supposed to be?
No?
Fuck.
Sagittarius
November 22-December 21
Cosmic forces are coalescing to send you some positive spiritual energy. Help them out with a few shots of tequila.
Capricorn
December 22-January 19
That hottie you're seeing this Friday?
Trannie. Pre-op.
Aquarius
January 20-February 18
The spirits of your deceased loved ones are cheering you on in your business endeavors from the Beyond. Ignore them and go play frisbee.
Pisces
February 19-March 20
That joke you keep telling about the parrot, the monkey and the Jehovah's Witness sucks hairy balls. The spirits and I hope you get hit by a car for your failure.
This is quickly becoming a full magazine.
What would people think of a column like the Concordia Movement? Denying and negating whatever we said in the rest of the issue? Pointless?
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 20, 2008, 04:54:08 PM
This is quickly becoming a full magazine.
What would people think of a column like the Concordia Movement? Denying and negating whatever we said in the rest of the issue? Pointless?
I think that's a great idea. We could have it cite tons of neocon sources, write it in a strict traditionalist format, etc. It could be called something like "The Right Corner," or something.
Well, Discordianism isn't necessarily left wing really. Kerry Thornley was fairly right in a lot of ways.
I would vote against a right/left concept, but otherwise yeah.
Quote from: Manta Obscura on November 20, 2008, 04:49:58 PM
Hi all,
It suddenly struck me that Intermittens might benefit from a quasi-serious Whoroscope column (my suggestion for the title: Whoroscope). In case anyone wants to add such a thing to the mag, I'll kick off the first column right here:
AWESOME.
This kicks ass. I totally like what you've written here, it's both hilarious and perfect for a magazine.
Food for thought: How to differentiate it from the Onion's [similar] horoscope column.
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 20, 2008, 04:54:08 PM
This is quickly becoming a full magazine.
What would people think of a column like the Concordia Movement? Denying and negating whatever we said in the rest of the issue? Pointless?
I think that's a good idea. It occurs to me that you're the face of two very different characters - the Central Scrutinizer and Enrico Salazar. Maybe try a column like Siskel & Ebert, where they both respond in different ways to something? An advice column would be good, (though I can't help but think Advice Puppy would be perfect to write that) but reviews or commentary on current events in Discordia would be hilarious too.
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 05:12:20 PM
I think that's a good idea. It occurs to me that you're the face of two very different characters - the Central Scrutinizer and Enrico Salazar. Maybe try a column like Siskel & Ebert, where they both respond in different ways to something? An advice column would be good, (though I can't help but think Advice Puppy would be perfect to write that) but reviews or commentary on current events in Discordia would be hilarious too.
Now that's an idea... something like a dialectic.
Yeah, we've had a discussion going on about having alternate viewpoints being included (in one of Cainads threads on this board, I think).
I reckon you could pull it off, BAWHEED.
Weren't you looking for another way to write Enrico interviews..?
Yes.
That would work. I will work on something for the third issue once the theme is announced.
I think I would like to take on editing an issue too, on the extreme end of Discordianism. Like, Satanism and the Joker and things like that. We could open with the beautiful quote from chapter 11 of the Iliad about Strife.
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 05:12:20 PM
Food for thought: How to differentiate it from the Onion's [similar] horoscope column.
I've actually never read the Onion (other than a few pages when I bought my brother their "Our Dumb Century" book), so I'll have to pick up an issue and check it out to see if there are any obvious ways to differentiate. If not, I think we could do well by just writing what's fun or funny, regardless of whether or not it apes the Onion.
Quote from: Manta Obscura on November 20, 2008, 06:22:50 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 05:12:20 PM
Food for thought: How to differentiate it from the Onion's [similar] horoscope column.
I've actually never read the Onion (other than a few pages when I bought my brother their "Our Dumb Century" book), so I'll have to pick up an issue and check it out to see if there are any obvious ways to differentiate. If not, I think we could do well by just writing what's fun or funny, regardless of whether or not it apes the Onion.
check out their horoscope section:
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43951
http://origin.theonion.com/content/horoscope/sep-30-2008
to clarify: It doesn't bother me if your column is similar to the onion's column since you're obviously not plagerizing them.
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 06:37:55 PM
to clarify: It doesn't bother me if your column is similar to the onion's column since you're obviously not plagerizing them.
Oh no, I hadn't meant to imply that at all, Cram. I got the sense from your post that you dug my horoscope, regardless of whether or not it was similar. I was just expressing the idea that we shouldn't be worried about being different, so long as we don't do the outright plagiarism thing. Apologies for the confusion.
Also, thank you for the links. I'll peruse them momentarily.
Tangent: if anyone wants me to switch around any of the descriptions for any reason (e.g. you want a Libra buddy to get the pre-op trannie message for Capricorn), just tell me and I can switch them if it goes into an issue of Intermittens.
I think it would be amusing if the zodiac signs didn't match up with the dates they are supposed to represent.
Like Virgo being for march instead of September, or Sagitattarius in July instead of December. People who read horoscopes tend to be very protective of their signs, get somebody mad and you tend to wake them up for a few minutes.
This might be a little work, but
maybe come up with your own zodiac, based on the 5-seasons of the Discordian calendar?
Name them after the Marx Brothers.
Q: What's your sign?
A: Harpo.
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 20, 2008, 06:54:13 PM
I think it would be amusing if the zodiac signs didn't match up with the dates they are supposed to represent.
Like Virgo being for march instead of September, or Sagitattarius in July instead of December. People who read horoscopes tend to be very protective of their signs, get somebody mad and you tend to wake them up for a few minutes.
Good idea. We could even make the timespans vastly different for each sign. For instance, I could be a total ass and give Virgo, my sign, seventy days worth of coverage (from late February to May, for instance), and give Cancer five days.
I dunno. There's a lot of possibilities.
Quote from: Manta Obscura on November 20, 2008, 07:06:53 PM
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 20, 2008, 06:54:13 PM
I think it would be amusing if the zodiac signs didn't match up with the dates they are supposed to represent.
Like Virgo being for march instead of September, or Sagitattarius in July instead of December. People who read horoscopes tend to be very protective of their signs, get somebody mad and you tend to wake them up for a few minutes.
Good idea. We could even make the timespans vastly different for each sign. For instance, I could be a total ass and give Virgo, my sign, seventy days worth of coverage (from late February to May, for instance), and give Cancer five days.
I dunno. There's a lot of possibilities.
I am a Virgo and I approve of this shittiness.
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 06:56:48 PM
This might be a little work, but
maybe come up with your own zodiac, based on the 5-seasons of the Discordian calendar?
I like that idea. I think it would be better to publish such a thing simultaneously alongside the traditional twelve-sign Zodiac (sort of like how some papers have the Chinese one alongside the Western one), but that's definitely something I'd like to get my hand in. Maybe the names of the five could be based on the sweet, boom, etc., except latinized. Hmm . . .
Sign of the Saccharus.
Sign of the Susurrus.
Sign of the Aromatica.
Sign of the Ouchie.
Sign of the Oculus.
Crap, to be sure, but off the cuff . . .
I'd change it up every issue.
This month the signs are: Horse, Goat, Dung Beetle, Buick, Enchilada
At least once all five signs should be "Zappa".
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 07:18:03 PM
I'd change it up every issue.
This month the signs are: Horse, Goat, Dung Beetle, Buick, Enchilada
:lulz:
I like that. I'll put the gray cells to work on those five shortly.
Based on:
1) Chinese take out items
2) Spanglish
3) latinate body parts
4) capitol cities (in US and national)
Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:
1) Chinese take out items
2) Spanglish
3) latinate body parts
4) capitol cities (in US and national)
5) obscure diseases
6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)
7) philosophers
Quote from: Cainad on November 21, 2008, 03:53:09 AM
Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:
1) Chinese take out items
2) Spanglish
3) latinate body parts
4) capitol cities (in US and national)
5) obscure diseases
6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)
7) philosophers
8 ) nicknames for celebrity couples
9) famous gored matadors
10) members of The Electric Mayhem
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 21, 2008, 04:00:03 AM
Quote from: Cainad on November 21, 2008, 03:53:09 AM
Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:
1) Chinese take out items
2) Spanglish
3) latinate body parts
4) capitol cities (in US and national)
5) obscure diseases
6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)
7) philosophers
8 ) nicknames for celebrity couples
9) famous gored matadors
10) members of The Electric Mayhem
11) Craters on the moon
12) B-Sides of Elvis Presley singles
Quote from: Payne on November 21, 2008, 04:01:19 AM
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 21, 2008, 04:00:03 AM
Quote from: Cainad on November 21, 2008, 03:53:09 AM
Quote from: Jenne on November 21, 2008, 03:41:38 AM
Based on:
1) Chinese take out items
2) Spanglish
3) latinate body parts
4) capitol cities (in US and national)
5) obscure diseases
6) obnoxious names for colors, like the kind you see in some clothing catalogs (fireball fuschia, azure ocean, lakeside lavender, etc.)
7) philosophers
8 ) nicknames for celebrity couples
9) famous gored matadors
10) members of The Electric Mayhem
11) Craters on the moon
12) B-Sides of Elvis Presley singles
13) 80's sitcoms
14) Disco theme songs
15) webrings (famous ones)
16) hair bands
now you've gone too far Jenne.
Too FAR!
NEVAR! NEVAR AGAIN THE HYPERBOLE TIEMS!
Quote from: Cramulus on November 20, 2008, 07:18:03 PM
I'd change it up every issue.
This month the signs are: Horse, Goat, Dung Beetle, Buick, Enchilada
I spent part of the weekend thinking up how to make the Discordian Zodiac different from the normal Western one, and it struck me that since I made the Western one purely funny, it might be a good idea to have the Discordian one give out real advice in a quirky way. Tell me how it goes, and if you have any ideas for improvement:
The First-Ever Discordian Whoroscope*Horse
January 1-March 12The prophet John the Baptist once said, "Shit, my head hurts. Does anyone have any Advil?" Likewise, be grateful for what you have while you still have it.
Goat
March 13-June 3After a recent trip to the China Buffet, I opened my fortune cookie only to discover the message, "You're a good person and". And what? And I'll win a million dollars? And I'll come down with syphilis? And I'll find out that my wife is really my long-lost sister, and our children will end up incestuous mutants?
Ruminate upon life's mysteries today. And if you know the rest of the fortune, call me up and give me a clue.
Beetle
June 4-August 16The philosopher Soren Kierkegaard once wrote, "People demand freedom of speech as a compensation for the freedom of thought which they seldom use." Take his message to heart and shut the fuck up.
Buick
August 17-October 31If you're making sugar cookies and the batter isn't sweet enough, adding one small package of vanilla pudding mix for every two-dozen yield batter concoctions will give your cookies the sweetness you desire.
Enchilada
November 1-December 31The Buddha might have had perfect inner peace, but he was one fat sonofabitch with no real dating prospects. Convert to Hinduism for maximum deity sexiness.
*Believe at your own risk.
:lulz:&:mittens:
I like it except for a single tiny nitpick - the Buddha wasn't fat.
Yo, I'm a Beetle, but I'm notoriously BAD at taking advice, so...
Quote from: Jenne on November 24, 2008, 03:50:58 PM
Yo, I'm a Beetle, but I'm notoriously BAD at taking advice, so...
Hey, I'm a beetle too! :lol:
Quote from: BAWHEED on November 24, 2008, 03:47:26 PM
I like it except for a single tiny nitpick - the Buddha wasn't fat.
Yeah, I know, but I was just going with the popular misconception for comedic purposes.
Aside: who the hell is that fat "Buddha" anyway? Is that some different dude, or is it (as I was always led to believe) the Chinese conception of what Buddha looked like?
He's a Chinese god who got conflated with the Buddha later on (somehow).
I thought he was a popular Buddhist monk from the 10 century?
Quote from: Manta Obscura on November 24, 2008, 03:55:05 PM
Aside: who the hell is that fat "Buddha" anyway? Is that some different dude, or is it (as I was always led to believe) the Chinese conception of what Buddha looked like?
http://www.fengshuimiracle.com/feng-shui/paintings/461/laughing-buddha
QuoteThe Laughing Buddha is all about blurring the cultural divide between the Chinese, Japanese, Indian and now the Western world as it brings good fortunes to millions of Feng Shui enthusiasts.
Described as the Happy Man in the hundreds of Handloom House outlets in India, for years, now he is known as the Laughing Buddha even among the semi-literate sales persons. Chinese, of course, call him Hotei. He is believed to have existed in China as a real Buddhist monk China over 1,000 years ago.
Hotei, being a cheerful, contented Buddhist monk, is a wonderful little icon; where just the appearance can have the ability to cheer anyone up from a bad day. His largely exposed potbelly stomach protrudes in front of him as you almost hear the belly laughter emerging from the idol.
Typically, the origin of the Laughing Buddha, or Hotei, is from a mix in Buddhist and Shinto religions and can be traced back to the time of the Liang Dynasty in China. During this time, the story is, that there lived a Buddhist monk known as Pu-Tai and it is he who is today known as Hotei or Laughing Buddha or the Happy Man or Maitriya.
I dunno how much stock I put in this source, but it's plausible enough (as is Cain's).
Quote from: Jenne on November 24, 2008, 03:50:58 PM
Yo, I'm a Beetle, but I'm notoriously BAD at taking advice, so...
I've added a disclaimer to address this, Jenne. :)
To Cain, Bawheed and Cainad: Thanks for the sources. I'm still as confused as ever as to what is the correct source, but that's par for the course for me . . .
Anyway, I think this article might use a cute sidebar, in case people aren't familliar with the monthly zodiac.
Horse - Horses tend to be either introverts or extroverts depending on their mood. They are positive and cheerful, but there has been a time in their past when they were very upset.
Goat - Goats are known for loving their parents, having friends, and working a steady job. They often have a box of old unsorted photographs in your house.
Beetle - Beetles enjoy the finer things in life, and avoid things they dislike. Beetles are very kind and considerate people, but when somebody does something to break their trust, they feel deep-seated anger.
Buick - Those born under the Buick are sometimes insecure, especially with people they don't know very well. They are mostly shy and quiet, but when the mood strikes them, they can easily become the center of attention.
Enchilada - Enchiladas sometimes have problems with friends or relatives. Nearly all Enchiladas had an accident when they were a child involving water.
data taken from Cold Reading (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_reading)
Quote from: Cramulus on November 24, 2008, 04:05:51 PM
Anyway, I think this article might use a cute sidebar, in case people aren't familliar with the monthly zodiac.
Horse - Horses tend to be either introverts or extroverts depending on their mood. They are positive and cheerful, but there has been a time in their past when they were very upset.
Goat - Goats are known for loving their parents, having friends, and working a steady job. They often have a box of old unsorted photographs in your house.
Beetle - Beetles enjoy the finer things in life, and avoid things they dislike. Beetles are very kind and considerate people, but when somebody does something to break their trust, they feel deep-seated anger.
Buick - Those born under the Buick are sometimes insecure, especially with people they don't know very well. They are mostly shy and quiet, but when the mood strikes them, they can easily become the center of attention.
Enchilada - Enchiladas sometimes have problems with friends or relatives. Nearly all Enchiladas had an accident when they were a child involving water.
data taken from Cold Reading (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_reading)
I like this, Cram. Thanks for the idea and the link.
Whenever we change up the names of the Discordian "signs," it might be cool to change the sidebar and give different descriptions for each sign type, too.
:D Dis fread delivers, though, MO! Keep on a-truckin'!
There's also this dude, Bella gave out his URL once, who gives zodiac advice just like this. I'll go diving at eb&g and see if I can find it. Worthy of note for lutzy purposes.
Quote from: Cramulus on November 24, 2008, 04:05:51 PM
Anyway, I think this article might use a cute sidebar, in case people aren't familliar with the monthly zodiac.
Horse - Horses tend to be either introverts or extroverts depending on their mood. They are positive and cheerful, but there has been a time in their past when they were very upset.
Goat - Goats are known for loving their parents, having friends, and working a steady job. They often have a box of old unsorted photographs in your house.
Beetle - Beetles enjoy the finer things in life, and avoid things they dislike. Beetles are very kind and considerate people, but when somebody does something to break their trust, they feel deep-seated anger.
Buick - Those born under the Buick are sometimes insecure, especially with people they don't know very well. They are mostly shy and quiet, but when the mood strikes them, they can easily become the center of attention.
Enchilada - Enchiladas sometimes have problems with friends or relatives. Nearly all Enchiladas had an accident when they were a child involving water.
data taken from Cold Reading (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cold_reading)
That's hilarious. If I hadn't already checked to see which sign I fall under, I would think I belonged in any and all of these categories.
i love this shit--except that the Buick description doesnt fit me :-P but I guess i'm not looking deep enough into my cosmic Self.