Part of what I do at work is to see if our respondents have died or not. So I read my share of obituaries in a day (and try to figure out if it's the same person at all). It's occasionally morbid and bummer work (The worst I saw was yesterday: "[redacted]: [DOB]-[DOD] [redacted] was a resident of [redacted]. She was DOD minus DOB years old." That's it.) but it's also an occasionally, unintentionally, funny genre of writing. Volunteer, and I will ham up your life (and death) to celebrate your existence and its abrupt, and possibly, unseemly, end.
HI, I'm a corporate IT drone in Iowa. Kill me.
DES MOINES, IOWA TRIVIAL, Mome Papess
Trivial's ticket was closed by the Admin on November 4, 2014, after a long, long, long, illness (specifically, Slipknot poisoning). She was 32 years old. Last year she tried making "being a jerk" her New Years resolution. Since the editor has not brushed her off as a complete asshole, she failed to do so, much to the chagrin of nobody. She leaves behind a sister in Tucson. Or rather, the sister in Tucson leaves the universe behind. Towards the end, she couldn't even calculus anymore, and was given towards verbing everything.
Slipknot poisoning is a terrible illness. A PSA should be written.
I can't feel my left leg, and my ass is bleeding!
HOUSTON, TEXAS MAN, Bear
Bear Man consumed the arms of our Lord and God on November 4, 2014 after multiple killer bee stings, surrounded by people who felt somewhat ambivalent about him, but not exactly at the moment of death, as they were all outside chainsmoking. A paragon of Texan conservativism and libertarianism, he will be missed by Houston Free Thinkers everywhere. He was preparing to eat all of the picnic baskets in Manchester, New Hampshire, with his mate, Jew Cat, whom he is survived by. An avid lover of old school NWOBHM, his memorial will be presided over by Rob Halford, who is a known aficionado of bears.
<3 Twid
:lulz:
You've probably got more material than you'll need for me.
:lulz: :lulz:
DO ME
TIJUANA, BAJA CALIFORNIA STEIN, Junken
Election commissioner Stein was found with multiple gunshot wounds in a dumpster behind a local bar. Foul play is not suspected, especially not from Eater of Clowns. Señor Stein was a seeker after the second part of the joke and according to recent journal notes was closer to discovering it, after deciphering the true message behind the Mayan calendar. His loss it's a major blow to second part of the joke research, which may now never be found.
OSLO, NORWAY IRON, Waffle
Princess Waffle Iron, distant cousin of the royal family, entered into eternal his eternal drinking and fighting in Valhalla, after talking an ill thought bet that he could shout louder than Heimdall's horn. Aside from prompting premature fears that Ragnarok had come, Waffles wad unable to collect his winnings, as Heimdall insisted that Odin would be ripshit if he left his post. Waffles leaves behind his beloved Julie, his puppy , and essentially everybody who had set foot in Norway.
Pick me!
I'm in.
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 05, 2014, 11:33:02 AM
OSLO, NORWAY IRON, Waffle
Princess Waffle Iron, distant cousin of the royal family, entered into eternal his eternal drinking and fighting in Valhalla, after talking an ill thought bet that he could shout louder than Heimdall's horn. Aside from prompting premature fears that Ragnarok had come, Waffles wad unable to collect his winnings, as Heimdall insisted that Odin would be ripshit if he left his post. Waffles leaves behind his beloved Julie, his puppy , and essentially everybody who had set foot in Norway.
:lulz: :lulz:
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS PENNYSWORTH, Queen Gogira.
Gogira assumed her true form on November 5, 2014, when cultists finally learned her real name and were able to bring about her glorious ascension. The cocoon of her metamorphosis has been cast aside and she has begun to feed. It is reported that thousands of Bostonians have been united with the divine presence. The awaited Day of Transformation has arrived. Tremble, sons and daughters of the flesh.
YAY!
TUCSON, ARIZONA HOWL, Doktor Hamish
Local mad scientist, Doktor Howl, blatantly defies laws of nature and decrees of God and Man by managing to permanently leave The City. Known as the Scourge of Golfers, and Hunter of Lizards, he leaves behind numerous devices of mysterious purposes. It is suspected his method of escape involves cutting through radio interference to contact angels, or so claims local plant worker. The investigation continues so that he may be returned to his rightful place. His wife and two children remain under surveillance.
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 05, 2014, 02:53:55 PM
TUCSON, ARIZONA HOWL, Doktor Hamish
Local mad scientist, Doktor Howl, blatantly defies laws of nature and decrees of God and Man by managing to permanently leave The City. Known as the Scourge of Golfers, and Hunter of Lizards, he leaves behind numerous devices of mysterious purposes. It is suspected his method of escape involves cutting through radio interference to contact angels, or so claims local plant worker. The investigation continues so that he may be returned to his rightful place. His wife and two children remain under surveillance.
:lulz:
BLOODY DEATH NAO, PLS.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 05, 2014, 05:12:14 PM
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 05, 2014, 02:53:55 PM
TUCSON, ARIZONA HOWL, Doktor Hamish
Local mad scientist, Doktor Howl, blatantly defies laws of nature and decrees of God and Man by managing to permanently leave The City. Known as the Scourge of Golfers, and Hunter of Lizards, he leaves behind numerous devices of mysterious purposes. It is suspected his method of escape involves cutting through radio interference to contact angels, or so claims local plant worker. The investigation continues so that he may be returned to his rightful place. His wife and two children remain under surveillance.
:lulz:
BLOODY DEATH NAO, PLS.
Hmm.... thinking one up
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 05, 2014, 02:16:49 PM
BOSTON, MASSACHUSETTS PENNYSWORTH, Queen Gogira.
Gogira assumed her true form on November 5, 2014, when cultists finally learned her real name and were able to bring about her glorious ascension. The cocoon of her metamorphosis has been cast aside and she has begun to feed. It is reported that thousands of Bostonians have been united with the divine presence. The awaited Day of Transformation has arrived. Tremble, sons and daughters of the flesh.
I would pay money to see this film.
TUCSON, ARIZONA HOWL, Doktor Hamish
Doktor Howl, on November 5, 2014, returned to the loving embrace and gentle sunlight of The City. During his brief escape attempt, he hijacked a train in Phoenix, and attempted to make his way to Washington DC, to whisper softly to the national politicians of the perpetual bliss that can be found here. He made it as far as St Louis before federal agents caught up with him, and gently reminded him where he belonged by massaging his internal organs with comfortably smooth metal projectiles, until all of that red fluid that got him so exuberant about the wonders of our home flowed out everywhere like a relaxing brook on a summer evening. All others who heard how wonderful Tucson is were similarly lulled to sleep. We can't have the politicians knowing what truly goes on here. They might try to ruin our utopia.
:mittens:
:thanks:
ME PLZ.
Coul I get a mysterious death, plz?
Yes, and yes. Probably tomorrow though, I just got back from physics.
I lied.
NOUVELLE-VERSAILLES, REPUBLIQUE FRANCAISE, COLONIE DE GROOMBRIDGE 1618-D
[Translated into English for further research purposes]
IRON, Waffle
Waffle Iron, a 21st Century subject of the former Norwegian monarchy and went missing in 2024, was found during a scientific expedition on Groombridge Department. He would have been 42 when he went missing. The bizarre find was confirmed to be Mr. Iron through genetic analysis and tattoo reconstruction, but interestingly, aside from the fact that humans were incapable of interstellar travel at the time, carbon dating confirms that the cadaver dates to the 9th century of the Common Era. There is currently no plausible explanation as to how he went back in time and to another planet, or how he managed to survive, judging from telomeric degradation, to the age of approximately 185, or how he acquired an extra set of nipples, but he can finally be put to rest in the traditional Norse fashion of freeze drying and compaction into a perfect cube 1 centimetre each dimensional length, dyed magenta, and draped in yellow polyester. His direct descendants are expected to officiate.
Currently mulling Suu's.
PORTSMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE, MONROE REPUBLIC SUU, Kao
Kao Suu, an Industry Professional prior to the blackout, was executed by firing squad for sedition by the Monroe Republic. A decorated officer in the Monroe Militia, she struck fear into the hearts of the enemies both foreign and domestic, and despite having ties with the Georgia Republic, pledged her allegiance to the legitimate continuance of government in New England and Midatlantic States. Her allegiances were swayed to treason and sabotage through sentimental ties and nostalgic notions of the way things should be. It is with heavy heart that the Monroe Republic must say a bitter goodbye to such a heroine, who fell by the wayside.
Tragically, I passed on in a freak dog-walking accident last Saturday...
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 06, 2014, 03:07:24 AM
I lied.
NOUVELLE-VERSAILLES, REPUBLIQUE FRANCAISE, COLONIE DE GROOMBRIDGE 1618-D
[Translated into English for further research purposes]
IRON, Waffle
Waffle Iron, a 21st Century subject of the former Norwegian monarchy and went missing in 2024, was found during a scientific expedition on Groombridge Department. He would have been 42 when he went missing. The bizarre find was confirmed to be Mr. Iron through genetic analysis and tattoo reconstruction, but interestingly, aside from the fact that humans were incapable of interstellar travel at the time, carbon dating confirms that the cadaver dates to the 9th century of the Common Era. There is currently no plausible explanation as to how he went back in time and to another planet, or how he managed to survive, judging from telomeric degradation, to the age of approximately 185, or how he acquired an extra set of nipples, but he can finally be put to rest in the traditional Norse fashion of freeze drying and compaction into a perfect cube 1 centimetre each dimensional length, dyed magenta, and draped in yellow polyester. His direct descendants are expected to officiate.
:mittens:
You, sir, are a GENIUS
Quote from: Hello Waffles on November 06, 2014, 10:59:30 AM
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 06, 2014, 03:07:24 AM
I lied.
NOUVELLE-VERSAILLES, REPUBLIQUE FRANCAISE, COLONIE DE GROOMBRIDGE 1618-D
[Translated into English for further research purposes]
IRON, Waffle
Waffle Iron, a 21st Century subject of the former Norwegian monarchy and went missing in 2024, was found during a scientific expedition on Groombridge Department. He would have been 42 when he went missing. The bizarre find was confirmed to be Mr. Iron through genetic analysis and tattoo reconstruction, but interestingly, aside from the fact that humans were incapable of interstellar travel at the time, carbon dating confirms that the cadaver dates to the 9th century of the Common Era. There is currently no plausible explanation as to how he went back in time and to another planet, or how he managed to survive, judging from telomeric degradation, to the age of approximately 185, or how he acquired an extra set of nipples, but he can finally be put to rest in the traditional Norse fashion of freeze drying and compaction into a perfect cube 1 centimetre each dimensional length, dyed magenta, and draped in yellow polyester. His direct descendants are expected to officiate.
:mittens:
You, sir, are a GENIUS
:)
I looked up a K-class star, just for you. No known exoplanets so far, but it's 16 light years away.
Quote from: Dodo Argentino on November 06, 2014, 07:32:35 AM
Tragically, I passed on in a freak dog-walking accident last Saturday...
You're Holist judging from your profile, correct?
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 06, 2014, 03:33:37 AM
PORTSMOUTH, NEW HAMPSHIRE, MONROE REPUBLIC SUU, Kao
Kao Suu, an Industry Professional prior to the blackout, was executed by firing squad for sedition by the Monroe Republic. A decorated officer in the Monroe Militia, she struck fear into the hearts of the enemies both foreign and domestic, and despite having ties with the Georgia Republic, pledged her allegiance to the legitimate continuance of government in New England and Midatlantic States. Her allegiances were swayed to treason and sabotage through sentimental ties and nostalgic notions of the way things should be. It is with heavy heart that the Monroe Republic must say a bitter goodbye to such a heroine, who fell by the wayside.
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
These are Genius!
Kill me next!
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 06, 2014, 01:19:02 PM
Quote from: Dodo Argentino on November 06, 2014, 07:32:35 AM
Tragically, I passed on in a freak dog-walking accident last Saturday...
You're Holist judging from your profile, correct?
Yes, please!
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 06, 2014, 07:34:49 PM
Quote from: Ragret on November 06, 2014, 04:37:21 PM
These are Genius!
Kill me next!
Huh that was weird.... my phones acting a bit funky, might have to wait till I get home
I just felt this might help.
(https://scontent-b-sjc.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/v/t1.0-9/1486663_969613106388456_3287741607696252585_n.jpg?oh=9f2fe4e904878d02b6adbf2ae6cbda00&oe=54E753A8)
:lulz:
AMSTERDAM, NORTH HOLLAND RET, Reg
Reginald Ret illegally immigrated to Heaven in the early hours of Friday, 6 November 2014 after dying of thirst after the next Dutch person scheduled to relieve him of his finger in the dam crack obligations caught a bad case of Americanitis and decided to say "fuck this job, I'm going to smoke weed and visit a brothel." He was 31, and almost old enough to no longer be eligible for dam duty. His final words are said to have been "how is it that Amsterdam is our capital but the seat of government is the Hague?" He is the only Dutchman to have died while on dam duty. As a result, he has been posthumously awarded the Military William Order and King Willem-Alexander is personally seeing to repairing the crack by creating a statue of Reg with its finger in the crack. Reg's ashes will be interred underneath it and a bed of tulips planted around it, and 6 November has been declared a bank holiday.
LONDON, ENGLAND ARGENTINO, Dodo
Itinerant Hungarian and minstrel, Dodo Argentino has been pulled from the Thames after attempting to walk too many dogs for 10 quid a dog. The dogs were fine and all returned to their appropriate homes, as dogs are wont to do when they get hungry. He leaves behind a wife and children, as well as a number of advertisement jingles and a difficult to understand series of webcomics. His service will be held by the banks of the Thames so that those who knew him could absorb his memories from the water he drowned in, as his belief was that water remembers things that are put in it.
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 07, 2014, 12:09:11 AM
LONDON, ENGLAND ARGENTINO, Dodo
Itinerant Hungarian and minstrel, Dodo Argentino has been pulled from the Thames after attempting to walk too many dogs for 10 quid a dog. The dogs were fine and all returned to their appropriate homes, as dogs are wont to do when they get hungry. He leaves behind a wife and children, as well as a number of advertisement jingles and a difficult to understand series of webcomics. His service will be held by the banks of the Thames so that those who knew him could absorb his memories from the water he drowned in, as his belief was that water remembers things that are put in it.
:lulz:
:mittens:
And a thank you!
Okay, okay. Count me in. Or out.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on November 07, 2014, 12:15:52 PM
Okay, okay. Count me in. Or out.
I've got one in mind. Will post in the afternoon
BOZEMAN, MONTANA PANCE, Alpha
Boston refugee and drummer, Alpha "LMNO" Pance, was hired by Spirit World, Inc's indecipherable memo department. A sensible man, he decided at the onset of the Gogira Ascension Event that laid waste to much of New England was as good a time as any to pay an extended visit to Montana and pursue his passion for being a Big Gay Cowboy. Known around Bozeman as leader of inebriated vigilante group, Posse Vodka, he was largely seen as a force for good, even if that good was occasionally achieved by violating local decency laws. He leaves behind his wife, Mrs. LMNO, and his trusty horse, Kiki.
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 07, 2014, 12:02:01 AM
:lulz:
AMSTERDAM, NORTH HOLLAND RET, Reg
Reginald Ret illegally immigrated to Heaven in the early hours of Friday, 6 November 2014 after dying of thirst after the next Dutch person scheduled to relieve him of his finger in the dam crack obligations caught a bad case of Americanitis and decided to say "fuck this job, I'm going to smoke weed and visit a brothel." He was 31, and almost old enough to no longer be eligible for dam duty. His final words are said to have been "how is it that Amsterdam is our capital but the seat of government is the Hague?" He is the only Dutchman to have died while on dam duty. As a result, he has been posthumously awarded the Military William Order and King Willem-Alexander is personally seeing to repairing the crack by creating a statue of Reg with its finger in the crack. Reg's ashes will be interred underneath it and a bed of tulips planted around it, and 6 November has been declared a bank holiday.
Well researched.
This one was hilariously depressing though:
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 06, 2014, 07:34:49 PM
Quote from: Ragret on November 06, 2014, 04:37:21 PM
These are Genius!
Kill me next!
i.e. Reginald Ret died and nobody said much of anything.
E.T.A. I just noticed!
Quote from: Reginald Ret (07/05/1983 - 06/11/2014) on November 07, 2014, 07:14:36 PM
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 07, 2014, 12:02:01 AM
:lulz:
AMSTERDAM, NORTH HOLLAND RET, Reg
Reginald Ret illegally immigrated to Heaven in the early hours of Friday, 6 November 2014 after dying of thirst after the next Dutch person scheduled to relieve him of his finger in the dam crack obligations caught a bad case of Americanitis and decided to say "fuck this job, I'm going to smoke weed and visit a brothel." He was 31, and almost old enough to no longer be eligible for dam duty. His final words are said to have been "how is it that Amsterdam is our capital but the seat of government is the Hague?" He is the only Dutchman to have died while on dam duty. As a result, he has been posthumously awarded the Military William Order and King Willem-Alexander is personally seeing to repairing the crack by creating a statue of Reg with its finger in the crack. Reg's ashes will be interred underneath it and a bed of tulips planted around it, and 6 November has been declared a bank holiday.
Well researched.
This one was hilariously depressing though:
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 06, 2014, 07:34:49 PM
Quote from: Ragret on November 06, 2014, 04:37:21 PM
These are Genius!
Kill me next!
i.e. Reginald Ret died and nobody said much of anything.
E.T.A. I just noticed!
Yeah, I have no idea what happened with that. My phone ate my response, which was something along the lines of "thinking one up now"
I'm glad you like the Reginald Ret bit, that one just came to me mid sentence :lulz:
Quote from: Nepos twiddletonis on November 07, 2014, 06:32:46 PM
BOZEMAN, MONTANA PANCE, Alpha
Boston refugee and drummer, Alpha "LMNO" Pance, was hired by Spirit World, Inc's indecipherable memo department. A sensible man, he decided at the onset of the Gogira Ascension Event that laid waste to much of New England was as good a time as any to pay an extended visit to Montana and pursue his passion for being a Big Gay Cowboy. Known around Bozeman as leader of inebriated vigilante group, Posse Vodka, he was largely seen as a force for good, even if that good was occasionally achieved by violating local decency laws. He leaves behind his wife, Mrs. LMNO, and his trusty horse, Kiki.
:lulz: