I have received an email from one of the big guys in Germany. It seems that a young American process engineer has shamed himself badly, and is being sent back from Germany. He is considered salvageable, as he seems to be some kind of genius.
So for reasons that are murky at best, he is being sent to Tucson and assigned to me. Fear me, for I am now apparently Father Confessor or some shit. ANYWAY, I am told by those in charge that I am to mould this embryonic engineer into something that can be allowed out into traffic without offending Europeans and South Africans. Yes. He offends South Africans. Which is sort of like offending a particularly callous Icelander.
My time to prepare for this is "mayonaise", as he is already in Tucson, and I meet him in, oh, 12 minutes. I've at least had time to read his file and the long list of grievances he has generated. He does not seem to be a particularly nice person.
I shall update you as this moves forward. This seems to be the best chance to bray laughter so far this year.
Vindaloo and broccoli lunch. It's the only way.
:popcorn:
This should be interesting
Phrases to inspire fear and dread # 4457/J:
"sent to tucson"
So...Andrew. Our initial meeting was short. Very short.
He knocks on my office door. I let out a keening wail for about 20 seconds. There is a delay, followed by a light, tentative second knock.
"Come on it."
The door opens, and there the bastard stands, all ivy-league haircut and perfect teeth. He has, as Cain once said, 'a very punchable face'. I motion for him to sit down across from me, which he does. He then graces me with what is best described as an extremely arrogant and condescending smile. I decide that he and I are going to be good friends.
"I got sent up here to help you with things", he says, "And I feel that..."
"Shut up."
"What?"
"Shut. Up."
Andrew turns red in the face, knuckles forward, the whole primate challenge response. "I don't have to take this shit".
"No, you don't. You have the option of gathering your shit and getting in your car, and seeking opportunities elsewhere. Or you can shut up and listen."
He seems puzzled. Confused. I imagine he is boggled by the notion that his PhD isn't carrying any weight with the bald-headed cromagnon guy across the desk from him. He looks at me like he might look at a dog that trotted up to him and started reciting perfect Shakespeare. Yes, he and I will be friends. Special friends.
"You are here because you have made your name stink in Germany. You are here to learn to get along or get out."
"Yes, I suppose part of this is for me to redeem myself." He is trying to salvage at least some sort of position here. Silly boy. This is Tucson. There is no 'redemption'. He is, as Mike the Engineer is, stuck here forever. With me. But still, it helps to give them hope.
"Yes, that is what I have been led to understand. You have been with the company since your recent doctorate, and you have spent that time worshiping false gods."
"wat" There is a look of clear panic on his face now, as if he has finally realized where he is. In Tucson. In a shitty office. Talking to a crazy person.
"Indeed. You have worshiped at the altar of money, power, and arrogance, and neglected your one true god; sustained profitabiliity. Your previous managers have done you a disservice, Andrew. They have failed to impress upon you that the only measuring stick used here is that of the separation of the top and bottom line. If you are making that happen, you are succeeding. If you do not, you are failing."
"Hey, I added value by..."
"Silence, fleshy one."
Now he's really looking at me strangely. This sounds like his problem, not mine.
"Here is how the universe operates from this point forward: You have two hats. Your first hat is process improvement. This will involve you running the machines and working with operators. You will not treat the operators like cogs, if you care at all for my advice. They are very crude people, and they do not take offense lightly. Think of them as a department full of perpetually-angry Welsh people."
"And my second hat is...?"
"Station Morale Officer."
"What the hell is that?"
"I am unsure. It just came to me. We'll figure this out together, you and I. But right now, I need to take a lot of pills. They make me feel horrible and sexy, you see. Much the way I believe that you think speaking meaningless corporatese makes you look horrible and sexy. We're both wrong, of course. Now you should go shovel the rat shit out of the shitty little hole I have given you as an office, and get settled in, while I sit here and feel my bones dissolve. We start work tomorrow."
He sits there, staring at me, like I'm going to go berserk right in front of him. Ridiculous. He hasn't earned that yet. I make a shooing motion, and he gets up and leaves the room, looking shellshocked.
Now I have to decide what a "Station Morale Officer" does. I don't think it will be pretty. This is, after all, Tucson.
Redemption. Heh.
Those toilets don't clean themselves, you know....
Or, perhaps more insulting, he's in charge of the coffee.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 03:58:41 PM
Those toilets don't clean themselves, you know....
Or, perhaps more insulting, he's in charge of the coffee.
No, no, I feel my Holy Bits moving around.
Also, Tiny Killer Ninja makes the best coffee ever, and we have janitors for the toilets. We do not piss the janitors off. No.
It occurs to me that it gets easier to be the asshole on the other side of the desk, as the years go on.
Quote"Yes, that is what I have been led to understand. You have been with the company since your recent doctorate, and you have spent that time worshiping false gods."
"wat" There is a look of clear panic on his face now, as if he has finally realized where he is. In Tucson. In a shitty office. Talking to a crazy person.
Sniggered up to this point and lost my shit there.
I give the guy 2 weeks, tops.
I've got some suggestions for Morale Officer, if you'd care to hear them. The thing to focus on first is building your morale. Use that as a starting point and you won't be far wrong.
Tip - Those animal mascot outfits are surprisingly cheap.
When I grow up, I want to be a manager like Roger.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:11:37 PM
Quote"Yes, that is what I have been led to understand. You have been with the company since your recent doctorate, and you have spent that time worshiping false gods."
"wat" There is a look of clear panic on his face now, as if he has finally realized where he is. In Tucson. In a shitty office. Talking to a crazy person.
Sniggered up to this point and lost my shit there.
I give the guy 2 weeks, tops.
I've got some suggestions for Morale Officer, if you'd care to hear them. The thing to focus on first is building your morale. Use that as a starting point and you won't be far wrong.
Tip - Those animal mascot outfits are surprisingly cheap.
No, I have a Holy Premonition™ that this will sort itself out. It's too awesome not to do so.
Quote from: The Suu on June 10, 2014, 04:14:49 PM
When I grow up, I want to be a manager like Roger.
Easy. Take a lot of pills. Move to the desert. Stare into it a lot. Stare into it until it becomes uncomfortable with the whole thing. Spend loads of time butt-ass nekkid in your back yard (Stetson and engineer boots, of course...Safety first). Work for naifs who believe everything they were ever told about America™.
I'm guessing he makes some kind of complaint about you by the end of the day. Probably about 16:55, or as close to it as possible.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:23:28 PM
I'm guessing he makes some kind of complaint about you by the end of the day. Probably about 16:55, or as close to it as possible.
15 minutes ago (more or less the moment he left my office). I have just recieved a cheerfully malevolent email from the stratospheric levels of the company that I am kicking that ass.
I have never seen such gleeful schadenfreude in an actual German person.
Tell them that. They'll probably have another German emotion at you.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:27:10 PM
Tell them that. They'll probably have another German emotion at you.
It seems that this guy's principle sins were arrogance in the face of more experienced people (Germans love that shit, I am told), and clumsy politicking.
This appears to be a reward of some kind. Best best it with a stick.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:29:19 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:27:10 PM
Tell them that. They'll probably have another German emotion at you.
It seems that this guy's principle sins were arrogance in the face of more experienced people (Germans love that shit, I am told), and clumsy politicking.
I predict he and Mike the Engineer join forces and try to "Shape Things Up."
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 04:35:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:29:19 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:27:10 PM
Tell them that. They'll probably have another German emotion at you.
It seems that this guy's principle sins were arrogance in the face of more experienced people (Germans love that shit, I am told), and clumsy politicking.
I predict he and Mike the Engineer join forces and try to "Shape Things Up."
I don't intend to allow that. Andrew reports to me.
I won't have Mike ruining him.
Quote from: Luna on June 10, 2014, 04:31:31 PM
This appears to be a reward of some kind. Best best it with a stick.
As I say, the company loves me.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:38:48 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 04:35:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:29:19 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:27:10 PM
Tell them that. They'll probably have another German emotion at you.
It seems that this guy's principle sins were arrogance in the face of more experienced people (Germans love that shit, I am told), and clumsy politicking.
I predict he and Mike the Engineer join forces and try to "Shape Things Up."
I don't intend to allow that. Andrew reports to me.
I won't have Mike ruining him.
Let us hope you succeed. The profit margin can only handle ONE Mike the Engineer.
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 04:41:24 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:38:48 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 04:35:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:29:19 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:27:10 PM
Tell them that. They'll probably have another German emotion at you.
It seems that this guy's principle sins were arrogance in the face of more experienced people (Germans love that shit, I am told), and clumsy politicking.
I predict he and Mike the Engineer join forces and try to "Shape Things Up."
I don't intend to allow that. Andrew reports to me.
I won't have Mike ruining him.
Let us hope you succeed. The profit margin can only handle ONE Mike the Engineer.
I wonder, CPD...Do ALL morale officers sit in their offices and cry?
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
Not catching what you mean.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:43:18 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 04:41:24 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:38:48 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 04:35:09 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:29:19 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:27:10 PM
Tell them that. They'll probably have another German emotion at you.
It seems that this guy's principle sins were arrogance in the face of more experienced people (Germans love that shit, I am told), and clumsy politicking.
I predict he and Mike the Engineer join forces and try to "Shape Things Up."
I don't intend to allow that. Andrew reports to me.
I won't have Mike ruining him.
Let us hope you succeed. The profit margin can only handle ONE Mike the Engineer.
I wonder, CPD...Do ALL morale officers sit in their offices and cry?
Only if they're
dedicated, so I would definitely take that as a good sign. :)
:popcorn:
This cheered me right the heck up.
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on June 10, 2014, 04:46:09 PM
:popcorn:
This cheered me right the heck up.
It has made me feel responsible. I have a Holy Task™, now.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:43:44 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
Not catching what you mean.
I'm trying to imagine you saying these things verbatim and while it's possible it reads like a movie script or fever dream, and I can't figure out if you write it that way because it's a better story or because that's exactly how you are in person.
I've met him in person. The above is most likely completely legit.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:57:43 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:43:44 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
Not catching what you mean.
I'm trying to imagine you saying these things verbatim and while it's possible it reads like a movie script or fever dream, and I can't figure out if you write it that way because it's a better story or because that's exactly how you are in person.
It's more or less verbatim, at least to the best of my recollection of the conversation. Many times I do change things for the story...In this case, however, I was SHOOTING for "fever dream". I feel it is the best strategy. Besides, he's here forever, he may as well just jump into the deep end.
I am far weirder inside my head than people see on the outside. Even people who have met me. In this regard, I am very much like Richter, which is probably why I enjoy hanging out with him so much.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:57:43 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:43:44 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
Not catching what you mean.
I'm trying to imagine you saying these things verbatim and while it's possible it reads like a movie script or fever dream, and I can't figure out if you write it that way because it's a better story or because that's exactly how you are in person.
You could always go to Tucson to find out. A Discordian Pilgrimage. But you'd never escape. Our Mecca is actually a giant sticky trap.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 05:00:21 PM
I've met him in person. The above is most likely completely legit.
And I was on my best behavior. :lol:
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
See above. So far, they sit in their office and bawl when they think nobody is looking.
I can't blame him. This must be a bit of a shock to him.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:06:15 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
See above. So far, they sit in their office and bawl when they think nobody is looking.
I can't blame him. This must be a bit of a shock to him.
He worked so hard! Spent all that money! Got all the pieces of paper society told him to! The haircut! The dental work! Everything! And it all went so horribly
wrong somehow. If only people would truly recognize his magnificence, things would just be so much better. *tears up* Poor lamb, I feel for him, truly.
I just spent my day sucking spilled fuel oil out of the ground through a straw. I'm glad there are Responsible People like you to guide the Leaders of Tomorrow. I am clearly not suited for the job.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 05:08:02 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:06:15 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
See above. So far, they sit in their office and bawl when they think nobody is looking.
I can't blame him. This must be a bit of a shock to him.
He worked so hard! Spent all that money! Got all the pieces of paper society told him to! The haircut! The dental work! Everything! And it all went so horribly wrong somehow. If only people would truly recognize his magnificence, things would just be so much better. *tears up* Poor lamb, I feel for him, truly.
All of his tickets are punched. Where is corner office?
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on June 10, 2014, 05:09:03 PM
I just spent my day sucking spilled fuel oil out of the ground through a straw. I'm glad there are Responsible People like you to guide the Leaders of Tomorrow. I am clearly not suited for the job.
SQUEEZE BULBS. GODDAMN.
Why do I even have to SAY this shit?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:06:15 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
See above. So far, they sit in their office and bawl when they think nobody is looking.
I can't blame him. This must be a bit of a shock to him.
True, but aside from that.
This is brilliant. Andrew got sent to the Madman of the Desert. The company actually went, we have just the guy to sort this, and sent him directly to you.
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:12:22 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:06:15 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
See above. So far, they sit in their office and bawl when they think nobody is looking.
I can't blame him. This must be a bit of a shock to him.
True, but aside from that.
This is brilliant. Andrew got sent to the Madman of the Desert. The company actually went, we have just the guy to sort this, and sent him directly to you.
This is now twice that this has happened. I am official traveling shouty guy, and now instructor on remedial humanity.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:10:54 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 05:08:02 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:06:15 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
See above. So far, they sit in their office and bawl when they think nobody is looking.
I can't blame him. This must be a bit of a shock to him.
He worked so hard! Spent all that money! Got all the pieces of paper society told him to! The haircut! The dental work! Everything! And it all went so horribly wrong somehow. If only people would truly recognize his magnificence, things would just be so much better. *tears up* Poor lamb, I feel for him, truly.
All of his tickets are punched. Where is corner office?
In the basement, filled with roaches, yay! That will teach him to take a shit on the people using his bootstraps for a strop.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 05:21:20 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:10:54 PM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 05:08:02 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:06:15 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 05:04:29 PM
Oh dear. I can't wait to find out what a Station Morale Officer does. :lulz:
See above. So far, they sit in their office and bawl when they think nobody is looking.
I can't blame him. This must be a bit of a shock to him.
He worked so hard! Spent all that money! Got all the pieces of paper society told him to! The haircut! The dental work! Everything! And it all went so horribly wrong somehow. If only people would truly recognize his magnificence, things would just be so much better. *tears up* Poor lamb, I feel for him, truly.
All of his tickets are punched. Where is corner office?
In the basement, filled with roaches, yay! That will teach him to take a shit on the people using his bootstraps for a strop.
We don't have basements, unfortunately.
But we do have the ancient, unused old training room.
I was just squashing this monster-ass scorpion with a hammer (a fairly routine thing), and he walks in the door. He stops. He stares.
"What?"
"Did you find yours yet?"
Also, training room is a bad idea to me. Potentially far too private. What the boy needs is a desk where everyone can see exactly what he's doing all the time. A corridor would be my preference but that probably won't fly with your safety regs.
Unless the room is totally horrible, in which case, great.
Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:28:16 PM
I was just squashing this monster-ass scorpion with a hammer (a fairly routine thing), and he walks in the door. He stops. He stares.
"What?"
Ahahahaha. Tell him he gets the next one as part of his initiation. It can be part of his new duties as Morale Officer to watch out for scorpions and smush 'em.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:34:35 PM
"Did you find yours yet?"
Also, training room is a bad idea to me. Potentially far too private. What the boy needs is a desk where everyone can see exactly what he's doing all the time. A corridor would be my preference but that probably won't fly with your safety regs.
Unless the room is totally horrible, in which case, great.
Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.
The training room is between my office and the I&E lab, and is roughly the size of a tennis court.
It's not an office, it's a desk up against a wall.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 10, 2014, 05:35:05 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:28:16 PM
I was just squashing this monster-ass scorpion with a hammer (a fairly routine thing), and he walks in the door. He stops. He stares.
"What?"
Ahahahaha. Tell him he gets the next one as part of his initiation. It can be part of his new duties as Morale Officer to watch out for scorpions and smush 'em.
I told him to watch out for the little bitty ones that blend in with everything. Wood scorpions. Potentially fatal sting, via respiratory shut down. Very bad news.
Is it possible for you to ring a bell in your office and him to hear it?
May as well go full Pavlov while you've been granted the opportunity.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:40:26 PM
Is it possible for you to ring a bell in your office and him to hear it?
May as well go full Pavlov while you've been granted the opportunity.
Bells and dog food.
I'm going to use that in our next conversation. You, sir, are a genius.
Did I ever tell you about the work experience kid I was able to make flinch to the wrong answer noise from family fortunes?
That took less than a day. You've got FOREVER.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:44:23 PM
Did I ever tell you about the work experience kid I was able to make flinch to the wrong answer noise from family fortunes?
That took less than a day. You've got FOREVER.
No, I am going to use it as an example of why he is WRONG. How he became WRONG.
Ah, I understand.
This will be fun. Not for him, obviously.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:48:29 PM
Ah, I understand.
This will be fun. Not for him, obviously.
The privilege thing wasn't fun for me. But I needed it.
He needs this.
"Why, yes, I AM dancing in my office. Is this a problem for you?"
Blank stare.
"Who doesn't like Lady Gaga?"
Dawning horror.
"Who's afraid of the big bad maintenance manager? Fucking nobody. Go back and finished unpacking your shit."
This guy needs work. He has no appreciation for border town sensibilities.
:lulz:
I think we've just found one of the duties of the morale officer.
Ask him if he knows the all the moves to "Thriller" and if he's how confident he is in a "teaching environment".
I think I have finally found all the fun I ever wanted.
I think he has, too. He just doesn't know it yet.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:34:35 PM
Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.
Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants. No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.
He needs to run the official company suggestion box.
Quote from: Luna on June 10, 2014, 06:41:09 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:34:35 PM
Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.
Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants. No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.
I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 06:40:08 PM
I think we've just found one of the duties of the morale officer.
Ask him if he knows the all the moves to "Thriller" and if he's how confident he is in a "teaching environment".
The poor bastard is in shock.
I don't think this is how he pictured corporate America. He WANTED
Glengary Ross, but he GOT
To Wong Foo.
You know, if this goes as well as planned, that guy may turn into an actual biped.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 06:43:17 PM
Quote from: Luna on June 10, 2014, 06:41:09 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:34:35 PM
Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.
Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants. No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.
I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.
I am specifically trying to avoid phony corporate morale/teambuilding schticks.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 06:44:00 PM
You know, if this goes as well as planned, that guy may turn into an actual biped.
It is my new mission in life.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 06:44:27 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 06:43:17 PM
Quote from: Luna on June 10, 2014, 06:41:09 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:34:35 PM
Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.
Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants. No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.
I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.
I am specifically trying to avoid phony corporate morale/teambuilding schticks.
Understood. Will devise new methods.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 06:46:14 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 06:44:27 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 06:43:17 PM
Quote from: Luna on June 10, 2014, 06:41:09 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 05:34:35 PM
Suggestion - Give him some kind of plant and tell him it's tied to his performance. Insert appropriate bullshit about dedication, care and duty and so on. Then salt it on the QT.
Tuscon doesn't have what normal people think of as plants. No salt required, if he can get his hands on an actual plant, it will commit hari-kiri within a month in Tuscon summer, anyway.
I suspected as much. It adds to it I feel. Helps demonstrate what happens when you perform fruitless tasks.
I am specifically trying to avoid phony corporate morale/teambuilding schticks.
Understood. Will devise new methods.
Please. My goal is to take this wreckage and build a human being out of it.
It will not be pleasant (for him), but I have been handed a task and by God I will complete it. Not that he'll ever go anywhere else, of course...But it's still worth doing.
I'm starting to think one of the most effective things a Morale Officer can do is create real morale. Not "Ice Cream Wednesdays," or "there's donuts in the break room," but to ruminate and generate behaviors and attitues and practices that honestly make the workplace a better place to be.
That's really hard to do, sometimes.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 06:55:01 PM
I'm starting to think one of the most effective things a Morale Officer can do is create real morale. Not "Ice Cream Wednesdays," or "there's donuts in the break room," but to ruminate and generate behaviors and attitues and practices that honestly make the workplace a better place to be.
That's really hard to do, sometimes.
No, it's not that hard. You pay people what they're worth, you don't make them miserable to show how big your johnson is, and you use a lot of discretion when discipline cases come up. Also, you give them the credit when they have a good idea. I'm wasn't hired to have good ideas, I was hired to hire people that have good ideas. You reward team players and sanction lone wolves.
There is no need for misery at the workplace. In fact, it's counterproductive.
This shouldn't be rocket science.
Oh, yeah. You also place a little value on their off-work time. No after hours meetings. What do those say? "You exist in our eyes solely for the purpose of dancing like a trained bear."
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 05:11:21 PM
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on June 10, 2014, 05:09:03 PM
I just spent my day sucking spilled fuel oil out of the ground through a straw. I'm glad there are Responsible People like you to guide the Leaders of Tomorrow. I am clearly not suited for the job.
SQUEEZE BULBS. GODDAMN.
Why do I even have to SAY this shit?
:lulz: I'm being facetious; it's extracting an old oil spill from wells with a pump truck. I somehow forgot where you live and, more specifically, where you work, and forgot that you'd actually deal with some shit like that on a typical Tuesday.
Andrew has made another attempt to assert himself.
"Look, Roger, I am not used to being talked to this way."
"Yes, that's plainly the case. You may have to adjust."
"Listen, you nutcase, I bring a great deal to the table and..."
"Shut up some more. Your whining is irritating my bits. This isn't a good thing for either of us."
"But..."
"There are no buts. You have a PhD, and that's great. But what they didn't teach you in whatever institution you attended, while they were ringing bells and dispensing dog food, was how to function around people. Because of this, you have been removed from the company of people and sent here. Your train has jumped the track, you have gotten on the wrong flight, and now it is too late to turn around. You shall simply have to make the best of it and THAT relies entirely on you learning how to think instead of posture like a bonobo on crack."
Wide-eyed stare. Andrew, it seems, is a special snowflake who has been sheltered from this sort of thing.
"I am getting through to you, Andrew? Because not only am I your friend, I am currently your only friend. Isn't that the most horrible thing you've ever heard? Your boss is on drugs, your career is suddenly Tucson, and the ONLY person you can turn to is...Me. You are done talking now. You will finish getting your desk in order, you will go home and drink something high octane, you will drag your hung-over arse in here tomorrow, and you will learn to do your job. If this is too much of a problem for you, I can accept your resignation letter at any time you feel convenient."
Angry stare. The primate is strong in this one.
"Oh, and Andrew?"
"Yes?"
"I'm far worse in the morning. My pills are still kicking, and my head is full of broken glass and angry wasps. So walk small. Good day."
That was the most fun I've had in 8 years. :lol:
Not only that, you got paid to do it too.
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT PEOPLE.
:lulz: He thinks he can talk his way around you.
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 08:17:44 PM
:lulz: He thinks he can talk his way around you.
I am enjoying this far too much. But it really is for his own good.
If I gave a shit about being employed here, I'd lose my nerve and be fired in like 5 minutes.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 08:17:27 PM
Not only that, you got paid to do it too.
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT PEOPLE.
Needs to be ramped up a bit more tomorrow.
I love this thread.
TGRR is the drill sergeant to humanity's boot camp.
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on June 10, 2014, 08:20:46 PM
I love this thread.
TGRR is the drill sergeant to humanity's boot camp.
You know, this is actually nothing like my time in the army. There is a superficial similarity, but the truth is that I had very real constraints on my behavior then, and none at all now.
This is what happens when they don't get THE CURE.
(https://scontent-b.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-xpf1/t1.0-9/10423780_10152607103458132_5026831272653557585_n.jpg)
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 03:15:12 PM
I have received an email from one of the big guys in Germany. It seems that a young American process engineer has shamed himself badly, and is being sent back from Germany. He is considered salvageable, as he seems to be some kind of genius.
So for reasons that are murky at best, he is being sent to Tucson and assigned to me. Fear me, for I am now apparently Father Confessor or some shit. ANYWAY, I am told by those in charge that I am to mould this embryonic engineer into something that can be allowed out into traffic without offending Europeans and South Africans. Yes. He offends South Africans. Which is sort of like offending a particularly callous Icelander.
My time to prepare for this is "mayonaise", as he is already in Tucson, and I meet him in, oh, 12 minutes. I've at least had time to read his file and the long list of grievances he has generated. He does not seem to be a particularly nice person.
I shall update you as this moves forward. This seems to be the best chance to bray laughter so far this year.
THEY'RE GIVING YOU A PET ENGINEER???
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:25:33 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 04:23:28 PM
I'm guessing he makes some kind of complaint about you by the end of the day. Probably about 16:55, or as close to it as possible.
15 minutes ago (more or less the moment he left my office). I have just recieved a cheerfully malevolent email from the stratospheric levels of the company that I am kicking that ass.
I have never seen such gleeful schadenfreude in an actual German person.
:lulz: This whole affair is absolutely delightful.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
I've spent time with him, the HOLY leaks out of him on a consistent basis and sometimes it gushes.
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:30:59 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 03:15:12 PM
I have received an email from one of the big guys in Germany. It seems that a young American process engineer has shamed himself badly, and is being sent back from Germany. He is considered salvageable, as he seems to be some kind of genius.
So for reasons that are murky at best, he is being sent to Tucson and assigned to me. Fear me, for I am now apparently Father Confessor or some shit. ANYWAY, I am told by those in charge that I am to mould this embryonic engineer into something that can be allowed out into traffic without offending Europeans and South Africans. Yes. He offends South Africans. Which is sort of like offending a particularly callous Icelander.
My time to prepare for this is "mayonaise", as he is already in Tucson, and I meet him in, oh, 12 minutes. I've at least had time to read his file and the long list of grievances he has generated. He does not seem to be a particularly nice person.
I shall update you as this moves forward. This seems to be the best chance to bray laughter so far this year.
THEY'RE GIVING YOU A PET ENGINEER???
I have a new lease on life. :)
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:36:09 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
I've spent time with him, the HOLY leaks out of him on a consistent basis and sometimes it gushes.
Usually while doing a u-turn at 30 MPH on 4th avenue, IIRC. :lol:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 06:40:16 PM
I think I have finally found all the fun I ever wanted.
I think he has, too. He just doesn't know it yet.
I think he's found MORE. Possible A LOT MORE fun than he ever wanted.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 07:54:53 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 06:55:01 PM
I'm starting to think one of the most effective things a Morale Officer can do is create real morale. Not "Ice Cream Wednesdays," or "there's donuts in the break room," but to ruminate and generate behaviors and attitues and practices that honestly make the workplace a better place to be.
That's really hard to do, sometimes.
No, it's not that hard. You pay people what they're worth, you don't make them miserable to show how big your johnson is, and you use a lot of discretion when discipline cases come up. Also, you give them the credit when they have a good idea. I'm wasn't hired to have good ideas, I was hired to hire people that have good ideas. You reward team players and sanction lone wolves.
There is no need for misery at the workplace. In fact, it's counterproductive.
This shouldn't be rocket science.
You should give seminars on this shit, because most of the corporate world still thinks it's about dick-measuring contests and making people feel like shit.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 08:38:15 PM
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:36:09 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
I've spent time with him, the HOLY leaks out of him on a consistent basis and sometimes it gushes.
Usually while doing a u-turn at 30 MPH on 4th avenue, IIRC. :lol:
Scared my ex half to death. I swear his eyes were bugging out of his head. :lulz:
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:44:40 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 08:38:15 PM
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:36:09 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 04:42:03 PM
I'm still trying to figure out of you paraphrased the conversation or if the HOLY happens irl
I've spent time with him, the HOLY leaks out of him on a consistent basis and sometimes it gushes.
Usually while doing a u-turn at 30 MPH on 4th avenue, IIRC. :lol:
Scared my ex half to death. I swear his eyes were bugging out of his head. :lulz:
That's how I roll
Beat up jeep outta control
[/LMFAO]
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:42:06 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 07:54:53 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 06:55:01 PM
I'm starting to think one of the most effective things a Morale Officer can do is create real morale. Not "Ice Cream Wednesdays," or "there's donuts in the break room," but to ruminate and generate behaviors and attitues and practices that honestly make the workplace a better place to be.
That's really hard to do, sometimes.
No, it's not that hard. You pay people what they're worth, you don't make them miserable to show how big your johnson is, and you use a lot of discretion when discipline cases come up. Also, you give them the credit when they have a good idea. I'm wasn't hired to have good ideas, I was hired to hire people that have good ideas. You reward team players and sanction lone wolves.
There is no need for misery at the workplace. In fact, it's counterproductive.
This shouldn't be rocket science.
You should give seminars on this shit, because most of the corporate world still thinks it's about dick-measuring contests and making people feel like shit.
And then when things get worse, they DOUBLE-DOWN.
Because they are rubes.
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:40:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 06:40:16 PM
I think I have finally found all the fun I ever wanted.
I think he has, too. He just doesn't know it yet.
I think he's found MORE. Possible A LOT MORE fun than he ever wanted.
Too much is always better than not enough.
This is my favourite thread.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 09:47:55 PM
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:40:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 06:40:16 PM
I think I have finally found all the fun I ever wanted.
I think he has, too. He just doesn't know it yet.
I think he's found MORE. Possible A LOT MORE fun than he ever wanted.
Too much is always better than not enough.
Too much is NEVER enough.
Quote from: Pæs on June 10, 2014, 09:48:14 PM
This is my favourite thread.
I have my own padawan. My life is complete.
Did I say padawan? I'm sure that's not what I meant.
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 09:49:13 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 09:47:55 PM
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 10, 2014, 08:40:01 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 06:40:16 PM
I think I have finally found all the fun I ever wanted.
I think he has, too. He just doesn't know it yet.
I think he's found MORE. Possible A LOT MORE fun than he ever wanted.
Too much is always better than not enough.
Too much is NEVER enough.
WIDESCREEN AND LOUD AS HELL, GORGEOUS!
Suggestions - A demotion may be in order. "Junior Morale officer" has a nice ring to it. It also allows for you to offer the incentive of him becoming "senior morale officer" when he does something right. The opportunity for promotion seems important.
You've started with Pavolv, stanford may be worth mixing in. He is wearing the uniform of a competent person. Competence is expected. Competence does not mean "Be a prick". That gets you shanked.
Learn your importance exercise - redraw a handy org chart. Hand him the old verison, ask him to update it. Then play "let's see how close your sense of importance matches reality". Lessons follow accordingly.
Captain Approach - Anyone you meet gets addressed by title. Mr X, Project whatever. He is Andy the apprentice or something else suitably demeaning. Pick something that you'll enjoy sticking.
I've got far more suggestions if you were just looking to make his life hell but I suspect you've got that more than covered on your own.
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 10, 2014, 10:12:22 PM
Suggestions - A demotion may be in order. "Junior Morale officer" has a nice ring to it. It also allows for you to offer the incentive of him becoming "senior morale officer" when he does something right. The opportunity for promotion seems important.
You've started with Pavolv, stanford may be worth mixing in. He is wearing the uniform of a competent person. Competence is expected. Competence does not mean "Be a prick". That gets you shanked.
Learn your importance exercise - redraw a handy org chart. Hand him the old verison, ask him to update it. Then play "let's see how close your sense of importance matches reality". Lessons follow accordingly.
Captain Approach - Anyone you meet gets addressed by title. Mr X, Project whatever. He is Andy the apprentice or something else suitably demeaning. Pick something that you'll enjoy sticking.
I've got far more suggestions if you were just looking to make his life hell but I suspect you've got that more than covered on your own.
I am interested in all suggestions. This is too funny to not take seriously.
You could, instead of promoting him to senior morale officer, transferring him to another arbitrary title.
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 10:28:00 PM
You could, instead of promoting him to senior morale officer, transferring him to another arbitrary title.
Assistant Fleshy One.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 10:28:47 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 10, 2014, 10:28:00 PM
You could, instead of promoting him to senior morale officer, transferring him to another arbitrary title.
Assistant Fleshy One.
:lulz:
Question: what's the company/state policy on physical contact with employees? Would you get in trouble for swatting him with a newspaper? Not that I'm doubting your ability to shut him up with words alone.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 10, 2014, 10:29:50 PM
Question: what's the company/state policy on physical contact with employees? Would you get in trouble for swatting him with a newspaper? Not that I'm doubting your ability to shut him up with words alone.
It's verboten. Wouldn't do it if it was okay.
I'm trying to FIX him, not JUST fuck with him.
To that end, never underestimate the power of the "Shush". Instant primate.
Structure his lessons with The TGRR Rules, Adages, and Redman-esque Advice for Humans.
Stage some kind of evacuation (or scenario less likely to freak everyone else the fuck out) and don't tell him about it. When he comes outside in a panic, explain calmly that "Lots of shit happens that you aren't told about."
Tell him he has to write a sermon each week, and that he will be graded on it. Deal out grades appropriately, hang graded sermon on the conference room fridge.
Require him to wear a uniform.
Red shirt, MR EXPENDABLE written on the back.
I AM NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER written on the front.
Quote from: Pæs on June 10, 2014, 11:32:56 PM
Require him to wear a uniform.
Red shirt, MR EXPENDABLE written on the back.
I AM NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER written on the front.
I do like that. A lot. He does sound like he's suffering a bit from the idea that he's the protagonist, even though he's just a random event that happened briefly on a speck somewhere in this particular universe.
Ask his opinion on an issue.
If opinion without asking for all the data, gently explain exactly why and how doing things his way would cause "X" casualties, and why.
Repeat until he learns that the world does not conform to textbook conditions.
Quote from: Pæs on June 10, 2014, 11:28:14 PM
Structure his lessons with The TGRR Rules, Adages, and Redman-esque Advice for Humans.
Stage some kind of evacuation (or scenario less likely to freak everyone else the fuck out) and don't tell him about it. When he comes outside in a panic, explain calmly that "Lots of shit happens that you aren't told about."
That gives me an idea. :lulz:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 07:54:53 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 10, 2014, 06:55:01 PM
I'm starting to think one of the most effective things a Morale Officer can do is create real morale. Not "Ice Cream Wednesdays," or "there's donuts in the break room," but to ruminate and generate behaviors and attitues and practices that honestly make the workplace a better place to be.
That's really hard to do, sometimes.
No, it's not that hard. You pay people what they're worth, you don't make them miserable to show how big your johnson is, and you use a lot of discretion when discipline cases come up. Also, you give them the credit when they have a good idea. I'm wasn't hired to have good ideas, I was hired to hire people that have good ideas. You reward team players and sanction lone wolves.
There is no need for misery at the workplace. In fact, it's counterproductive.
This shouldn't be rocket science.
A happy worker is a busy worker. 10 cents of tartar sauce for lunch will increase productivity by 100%.
<3 THIS WHOLE DAMN THREAD.
You said that his "office" is a desk up against a wall in a giant training room, yes?
A Morale Officer needs to be able to adapt to a changing work environment. Move his desk about the room every once in a while. Maybe dead center one day, maybe facing the door from the back of the room another day, and facing a corner the next week. Not every day, just every once in a while.
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on June 11, 2014, 02:04:10 AM
You said that his "office" is a desk up against a wall in a giant training room, yes?
A Morale Officer needs to be able to adapt to a changing work environment. Move his desk about the room every once in a while. Maybe dead center one day, maybe facing the door from the back of the room another day, and facing a corner the next week. Not every day, just every once in a while.
YES.
Two words - Dunning Kruger.
I don't think you need any direction in how to apply that.
This may also be useful:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Illusory_superiority
QuoteAcademic ability and job performance[edit]
In a survey of faculty at the University of Nebraska, 68% rated themselves in the top 25% for teaching ability.[14]
In a similar survey, 87% of MBA students at Stanford University rated their academic performance as above the median.[15]
Findings of illusory superiority in research have also explained phenomena such as the large amount of stock market trading (as each trader thinks they are the best, and most likely to succeed),[16] and the number of lawsuits that go to trial (because, due to illusory superiority, many lawyers have an inflated belief that they will win a case)
QuoteSelf, friends and peers[edit]
One of the first studies that found the effect of illusory superiority was carried out in 1976 by the College Board in the USA.[18] A survey was attached to the SAT exams (taken by approximately one million students per year), asking the students to rate themselves relative to the median of the sample (rather than the average peer) on a number of vague positive characteristics. In ratings of leadership ability, 70% of the students put themselves above the median. In ability to get on well with others, 85% put themselves above the median, and 25% rated themselves in the top 1%.
Again, I'm sure I don't need to tell you what to do with this.
No real interaction with him yet today, but I pleased to report that my guys have gone whole hog on this.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 11, 2014, 03:13:15 PM
No real interaction with him yet today, but I pleased to report that my guys have gone whole hog on this.
Did he go out of his way to make friends with them all based on your advice?
Quote from: Faust on June 11, 2014, 03:17:40 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 11, 2014, 03:13:15 PM
No real interaction with him yet today, but I pleased to report that my guys have gone whole hog on this.
Did he go out of his way to make friends with them all based on your advice?
Naw. They just decided to get all weird whenever he's around.
Is he avoiding you?
You said that you and he would get to work today. Maybe he's afraid of what that entails, based on his experience in Tucson thus far.
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 11, 2014, 03:24:15 PM
Is he avoiding you?
You said that you and he would get to work today. Maybe he's afraid of what that entails, based on his experience in Tucson thus far.
No, but I put him to work doing actual stuff. I shall fuck with him at lunch time.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 11, 2014, 03:44:50 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 11, 2014, 03:24:15 PM
Is he avoiding you?
You said that you and he would get to work today. Maybe he's afraid of what that entails, based on his experience in Tucson thus far.
No, but I put him to work doing actual stuff. I shall fuck with him at lunch time.
The calm before the storm.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 11, 2014, 03:44:50 PM
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 11, 2014, 03:24:15 PM
Is he avoiding you?
You said that you and he would get to work today. Maybe he's afraid of what that entails, based on his experience in Tucson thus far.
No, but I put him to work doing actual stuff. I shall fuck with him at lunch time.
Doing actual stuff does wonders for people. The easiest way to make people care about their work is making sure their work means something.
The mirror image is that there is nothing as destructive as pointless busywork.
Overtime can be (and often is) a teambuilding experience if the reasons for the overtime are good,
sadly luckily this means you cannot create the situation.
Potentially related. :evil:
http://www.theonion.com/video/more-office-workers-switching-to-fetal-position-de,36240/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Pic:2:Default&recirc=tech-trends
Quote from: Luna on June 11, 2014, 06:31:05 PM
Potentially related. :evil:
http://www.theonion.com/video/more-office-workers-switching-to-fetal-position-de,36240/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Pic:2:Default&recirc=tech-trends
:)
Andrew: "So, what do you do for fun in Tucson?"
Me: "We take drugs and fuck perverts."
Blank stare.
TGRR,
Taking it one day at a time.
Quote from: Luna on June 11, 2014, 06:31:05 PM
Potentially related. :evil:
http://www.theonion.com/video/more-office-workers-switching-to-fetal-position-de,36240/?utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium=SocialMarketing&utm_campaign=Pic:2:Default&recirc=tech-trends
:lulz:
I feel like a u-boat commander, watching a fat merchantman fall out of convoy with engine trouble.
:whack:
Looking for some advice, here.
Do I ramp it up continually (I can, indefinitely)? Or do I ease off and then drop the hammer again?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 12, 2014, 02:54:31 AM
Looking for some advice, here.
Do I ramp it up continually (I can, indefinitely)? Or do I ease off and then drop the hammer again?
Randomized outbursts. Continual abuse builds up a tolerance and easing up before dropping the hammer allows him to relax. Build suspense in uneven intervals, lead up to magnificent freak outs that go nowhere but then flip your shit seemingly out of nowhere. Break him down to a ball of anxiety before building him up to a person again.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 12, 2014, 02:54:31 AM
Looking for some advice, here.
Do I ramp it up continually (I can, indefinitely)? Or do I ease off and then drop the hammer again?
Mix and match. Don't make a pattern for him to adjust to. :P
You both make an excellent point.
They should have Roger trials after graduation for engineers. Something to go along with the FE test.
Quote from: Trivial on June 12, 2014, 03:27:50 AM
They should have Roger trials after graduation for engineers. Something to go along with the FE test.
Yes. Stress-testing.
So, Andrew is whining to other managers about my alleged "mental issues" and my "mistreatment" of him. None of the other managers can stand my ass, but they apparently already hate him MORE, because they tell me about said whining.
Me: "Andrew, come sit in my office for a moment. There. Are you comfortable?"
Andrew: "Not really."
Me: "No, I suppose not. I gave you a broken chair."
Andrewe: <Stare.>
Me: "Andrew, the reason I have called you in here is to address your recent and injudicious complaints about my generous and able leadership. What we have here is a classic disconnect. Almost a mathematical discontinuity, you might say. YOU are concerned with your career, with your prospects for rapid promotion, and - once again - this bizarre fixation that you have with money and power.
"Look at me Andrew. I have a decent measure of power. Does it look healthy to you? No. No, it does not. Your priorities are all fucked up, Andrew. You want to be the guy from Boiler Room or even the sociopath from Glengarry Ross. The company, on the other hand, has different goals.
"We are building the future, young man. We have made some serious Star Trek shit here. Transparent aluminum is one example, and another example is that we have already made transparent aluminum obsolete. You know this, because you had a small hand in making it happen over the last couple of years."
Andrew: "Yeah, so..."
Me: "Hush. I am not done bestowing my wisdom upon your pointy little head. Your purpose in this company is the same as my purpose in this company. It is to do material science and thus usher the future in, to tie off the bleeding stump of the 20th century and make a newer, better world. This is an article of religion with me, Andrew, a point of FAITH. Am I making myself clear?"
Andrew: "You're insane, you know that, right?"
Me: "That is almost certainly true. However, it is also an article of religion with my boss and his boss and like that. All the way up the chain. You have joined a church, Andrew, a cathedral in fact, where we worship the twin Gods of sustainable profitability and really really cool shit. Cool shit that WE ARE DOING. Now, you did not answer my question: Am I making myself clear?"
Andrew: "Yes. For a given value of..."
Me: "Good. Because I want you to understand that the Armani suit and Rolex that you are obsessed with is decades away, if at all attainable. You are in Tucson, now, and here you will learn the cost of building the future. That cost is YOU. This job will grind you up and spit you out. It will age you before your time and you will LOVE it because you're doing REAL, APPLIED ENGINEERING that - and this is the important bit - NOBODY HAS DONE BEFORE. This is all NEW. This is not cookie-cutter chemistry, you horrible little person, it is the shit you DREAMED ABOUT when we still had a space program.
"Now, you will stop your bitching and you will stop your complaining and you will go out to JM500 and find out why the particle size is off spec, and figure out a way to run it so it is IN spec ALL THE TIME, because for the moment, that is your part in building the future."
Andrew: <staring, as if waiting for me to jump over the desk and shit on the floor or something.>
Me: "Welcome to hell, kid. We cannot win. I think that God sent you here to keep me company until I die. Now fuck off."
This shit is GLORIOUS.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 12, 2014, 06:41:42 PM
This shit is GLORIOUS.
He doesn't get it. Any dumbfuck can get rich and be an asshole. We're doing the COOL SHIT.
This is the first time that Tucson sounds like something I want to be a part of.
Not that I know jack shit about engineering.
This is probably the best thing that has happened in Andrew's life.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 12, 2014, 06:43:32 PM
This is the first time that Tucson sounds like something I want to be a part of.
Not that I know jack shit about engineering.
Neither do I. I just make shit work so the process engineers can make the future.
Quote from: Ållnephew Tvýðleþøn on June 12, 2014, 06:45:02 PM
This is probably the best thing that has happened in Andrew's life.
Remains to be seen.
I know this place is one of the best things that ever happened to me, even if the stress level is a little unhealthy.
:lulz: That last line. OMG.
Quote from: The Right Reverend Nigel on June 12, 2014, 07:06:47 PM
:lulz: That last line. OMG.
Blatantly stolen from when I did Will's review a couple of years back. Too good not to reuse.
Hahhaaha.
I'm so glad I discovered this thread. This guy seems like he still hasn't found the motivation necessary to break out of old roles and molds. I wonder if he needs to be put in a position where he can rigorously fail. You know that whole a fool will fall until he is wise bit...only with more spontaneous crazy and the possible missing appendage.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 12, 2014, 06:43:32 PM
This is the first time that Tucson sounds like something I want to be a part of.
Not that I know jack shit about engineering.
This was EXACTLY my thought when I read that last interaction...I'm like DAMN what have I been doing all my life.
Quote from: Bu☆ns on June 12, 2014, 11:15:36 PM
I'm so glad I discovered this thread. This guy seems like he still hasn't found the motivation necessary to break out of old roles and molds. I wonder if he needs to be put in a position where he can rigorously fail. You know that whole a fool will fall until he is wise bit...only with more spontaneous crazy and the possible missing appendage.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 12, 2014, 06:43:32 PM
This is the first time that Tucson sounds like something I want to be a part of.
Not that I know jack shit about engineering.
This was EXACTLY my thought when I read that last interaction...I'm like DAMN what have I been doing all my life.
Thing is, he really is a genius at grinding (go for it, LMNO!). He's just a dumbshit.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 10, 2014, 04:01:21 PM
It occurs to me that it gets easier to be the asshole on the other side of the desk, as the years go on.
Suppose so. The Front Office Administrator plaque I joked with my Office Manager about seems even more the tool to get smacked with by disgruntled patrons from the other side of my carnival window... so I'm less of an asshole than assumed here. ;)
Absolutely surreal.
And hilarious.
Sometimes it's difficult to not idolize you, Roger.
Quote from: Net (+1 Hidden) and 5 guests on June 13, 2014, 01:31:10 AM
Absolutely surreal.
And hilarious.
Sometimes it's difficult to not idolize you, Roger.
Surreal was the goal. And idolizing me is perhaps not the best option. :lulz:
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
Quote from: Luna on June 13, 2014, 01:52:42 AM
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
(http://images.cafepress.com/image/45523432_400x400.jpg)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminium_oxynitride (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminium_oxynitride)
?
Maybe I'll go insane, go back to school, and study material science. Kind of like I always sorta wanted to but was stymied by my weak math abilities.
I always was fascinated by it, in the same way most people are, but the fire wasn't really kindled until I had a Geology professor explain to me what quasicrystals are, and how they are essentially abominations unto nature that have no business existing in our universe, and yet here they are. I really should have switched academic paths then.
You might like to work in there that a Bostonian Biologist In Training envies his position. He gets to learn like something under selective pressure. He's a case study. Other, numinous people, are observing. Wondering. Waiting for data. Is this individual a monkey or a man?
The biologist in Boston can look at his DNA and go meh.
Human means a little more than that, doesn't it?
Bostonian wants data. Random individual in random city thousands of miles away is observing. Do. Something. Interesting.
Twid,
possessed by God or the Devil, I don't know which.
I think it is starting to seep into your new friend, Roger. He doesn't realize it yet, but Tucson has him now . . .
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on June 13, 2014, 02:01:41 AM
Maybe I'll go insane, go back to school, and study material science. Kind of like I always sorta wanted to but was stymied by my weak math abilities.
I always was fascinated by it, in the same way most people are, but the fire wasn't really kindled until I had a Geology professor explain to me what quasicrystals are, and how they are essentially abominations unto nature that have no business existing in our universe, and yet here they are. I really should have switched academic paths then.
I feel a certain amount of sympathy with them.
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 13, 2014, 02:27:26 AM
I think it is starting to seep into your new friend, Roger. He doesn't realize it yet, but Tucson has him now . . .
muhaha
Quote from: Trivial on June 13, 2014, 01:59:47 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminium_oxynitride (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aluminium_oxynitride)
?
Now we make single crystal sapphires at any size we want.
I had one the size of my head for a paperweight, until the marketing geeks remembered where they left it.
Quote from: Luna on June 13, 2014, 01:52:42 AM
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
It turns out that it's fairly useless, when you can just make synthetic sapphire in any shape and size you want.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 13, 2014, 02:34:47 AM
Quote from: Luna on June 13, 2014, 01:52:42 AM
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
It turns out that it's fairly useless, when you can just make synthetic sapphire in any shape and size you want.
Space ships built with synthetic sapphire . . .
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 13, 2014, 02:37:46 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 13, 2014, 02:34:47 AM
Quote from: Luna on June 13, 2014, 01:52:42 AM
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
It turns out that it's fairly useless, when you can just make synthetic sapphire in any shape and size you want.
Space ships built with synthetic sapphire . . .
I... Um...
I love sapphires...I have the most amazing visual, right now. I wish I had any artistic talent.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 13, 2014, 01:32:05 AM
Quote from: Net (+1 Hidden) and 5 guests on June 13, 2014, 01:31:10 AM
Absolutely surreal.
And hilarious.
Sometimes it's difficult to not idolize you, Roger.
Surreal was the goal. And idolizing me is perhaps not the best option. :lulz:
If you turn him into an idol, all that happens is that everyone who handles him ends up cursed, usually with explosive diarrhea.
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on June 13, 2014, 02:01:41 AM
Maybe I'll go insane, go back to school, and study material science. Kind of like I always sorta wanted to but was stymied by my weak math abilities.
I always was fascinated by it, in the same way most people are, but the fire wasn't really kindled until I had a Geology professor explain to me what quasicrystals are, and how they are essentially abominations unto nature that have no business existing in our universe, and yet here they are. I really should have switched academic paths then.
I thought I had shit math skills, too. I was wrong though; I just hadn't exercised them enough, or had a good enough teacher. If you're really interested, I highly recommend going back and taking just a couple of math classes first so you can devote yourself to them and feel really confident about math.
This thread made me happy. You're my hero, Roger! :lulz:
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 13, 2014, 02:37:46 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 13, 2014, 02:34:47 AM
Quote from: Luna on June 13, 2014, 01:52:42 AM
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
It turns out that it's fairly useless, when you can just make synthetic sapphire in any shape and size you want.
Space ships built with synthetic sapphire . . .
General Products hulls. Bounce them off any BDO and you might break the radio antenna.
Quote from: Richter on June 15, 2014, 04:44:20 AM
Quote from: Cardinal Pizza Deliverance. on June 13, 2014, 02:37:46 AM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 13, 2014, 02:34:47 AM
Quote from: Luna on June 13, 2014, 01:52:42 AM
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
It turns out that it's fairly useless, when you can just make synthetic sapphire in any shape and size you want.
Space ships built with synthetic sapphire . . .
General Products hulls. Bounce them off any BDO and you might break the radio antenna.
:lulz:
It's not quite THAT cool.
Well it needs to become that cool, damnit! How much would it cost? Could it be crowdfunded?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on June 13, 2014, 02:34:47 AM
Quote from: Luna on June 13, 2014, 01:52:42 AM
Hold the fucking phone.
You made transparent aluminum obsolete, before I even got to play with any??
It turns out that it's fairly useless, when you can just make synthetic sapphire in any shape and size you want.
What would I have to say and who would I have to talk to in order to get a sample? I could do many things with a hunk of sapphire the size of your head.
Bump for the most fun I ever had outside of the science gestapo.
Didn't get the chance to read the thread the first time around but I am glad I have now!
Was there ever a conclusion to Andrew's training?
Yeah what happened to that guy?
Quote from: Cainad (dec.) on March 12, 2016, 03:55:10 PM
Yeah what happened to that guy?
There was a follow up thread somewhere. He got fired because he just couldn't behave.
Quote"Yes, that is what I have been led to understand. You have been with the company since your recent doctorate, and you have spent that time worshiping false gods."
:lulz: :lulz:
Quote from: Aucoq on June 14, 2014, 04:51:05 AM
This thread made me happy. You're my hero, Roger! :lulz:
As true today as it was back then!
I just finished reading the thread again, and it's still pure gold.