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Messages - Doktor Howl

Pages: [1] 2 3 4 ... 2017
Today at work:

CEO:  "Hey, Hamish..."

Me:  "Hamvin."

CEO: "What?"

Me:  "Hamvin.  Me and Kevin accidentally got fused and..."

CEO:  "You are so goddamn weird."

Me:  "Boss, I'm building a drone that goes up the sewer pipes into peoples' toilets.  This is an all-new nightmare.  Do you have some NORMAL people around to build that?"

Walter:  "He's right, man this is pretty fucked up."

Me:  "You hush, Walter, we're building a better world."

Walter: "I thought you said toilet drones."

Me:  "I did.  That's a better world than a world with no toilet drones."

CEO:  *walks out*

Walter:  "I'm going to the can."

Me:  "Can you hold it like 7 minutes?"

Walter:  *looks startled*

Me:  "A better world, Walter."

Apple Talk / Re: Last one to post in thread wins
« on: Yesterday at 12:38:45 am »
It's OK, she's been auto-resurrected. I used self raising flour

I'm so alone.  :cry:

Apple Talk / Re: Last one to post in thread wins
« on: July 26, 2021, 06:42:51 pm »
Which birthday though? Like are we talking about a 39th birthday cupcake, or one of those dealies the stripper pops out of on a year divisible by 10?

We don't the second kind after Faust baked the cake with the stripper already in it.

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Picking Cain's Brains
« on: July 26, 2021, 03:55:53 pm »
I'm in the UK.

I can strongly empathise with both an island nation and urge to do a coup. And if I did, I'd be sure at least two other fucks would join in. Itd Probably be at least be between farage, piers Morgan, count binface, p3nt Cain, blair and me. And I'm reasonably certain we're each waiting for the other to go first.
I'm in the USA.  A bunch of yokels went first.  It ended well for everyone.

Apple Talk / Re: Last one to post in thread wins
« on: July 26, 2021, 03:53:51 pm »
I just took a shit the size of a birthday cake.

Apple Talk / Re: Last one to post in thread wins
« on: July 23, 2021, 07:32:05 pm »
Not been lurking for a few weeks, this is the new open bar, right?

Nope.  This is the death rattle thread.

Or Kill Me / Re: Apocamysticism
« on: July 23, 2021, 04:24:37 pm »
Don’t people know that cheerleading the end of the world is REALLY FUCKING STUPID?


Apple Talk / Re: Last one to post in thread wins
« on: July 22, 2021, 07:41:31 pm »
This post is an offer to enter into a legal contract.  By posting in this thread, immediately following this message, you accept the offer and agree to abide by the terms of this contract.  Any post shall be construed as acceptance; the contents of said post are not relevant.

For the purposes of this contract, the person making the next post in this thread (if any), and thereby accepting the offer, shall be known as the party of the first part.

Ok. You have two days to bring me the flax. I expect an invioce for costs in detail in order to fulfill my end. Per the contract I am under no obligation to give you further information about my location, but without notarized PROOF of delivery you will be in actionable breach of your own contract.

Good luck.

As highlighted above, only the immediately following post qualifies.  Regrettably, you came in second by twenty minutes, and Doktor Howl is now the party of the first part.

I have consulted with a lawyer qualified in exotemporal contract law, and have been informed that since it is currently 1973 in Tucson, Doktor Howl has forty-eight years plus two business days to complete payment.

 :lulz: :lulz: Ahhhh... The olde space-timewarp Tucson maneuver eh? You STILL got 2 days from the current point in the time"line" to deliver to Howl.

He has all of last week in which to comply.

Apple Talk / Re: Last one to post in thread wins
« on: July 22, 2021, 05:05:48 pm »
One day I'll post about The Mgt in here. Then you'll all be sorry. So will I, but it'll be for the greater good.

The Mgt is a myth.

Apple Talk / Re: Last one to post in thread wins
« on: July 20, 2021, 04:05:00 pm »
I'm just here to watch LMNO let the beat drop.

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Picking Cain's Brains
« on: July 13, 2021, 09:22:23 pm »
From what I've seen so far, there's some kind of 3 way power struggle going on, which is great. Nothing like trying to do a kind of coup and having 2 other fucks join in.

So, might just be the start of a huge shitshow.

It's Haiti.  Nothing good ever happens to Haiti.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: July 13, 2021, 04:49:10 am »
So it appears some Supervisors/Managers at the Kroger in the town I just moved into bullied (Sexually harassed, mocked, sent illegal porn of the kid variety to in an attempt to incriminate, etc.) an employee to the point of suicide because of their concerns about the Kroger's COVID-19 Restrictions (Lack thereof) and their political beliefs (Read Left-leaning views).

Why do the wildfires always skip Ohio?

Imagine going to prison over a dead end job.

Apple Talk / Re: Letters to James
« on: July 12, 2021, 02:56:15 pm »
Week 3

I don’t have a lot of time to write this, so you need to read it as fast as you can.  I know this is unreasonable, but it is an unreasonable world. 

Example:  Last night my wife was watching old reruns of Law & Order SVU while I was online trolling Qanon freaks.  I hear the conversation, Mariska Hemmingway is saying the victim was sodomized with a violin bow.  A fucking violin bow.  People give me shit all the time about the horrible things I post on Facebook, but Mariska bloody Hemmingway gets an Emmy (I checked) for sobbing “sodomized with a violin bow,” then go to commercial, buy some fucking Taco Bell.  This sort of shit is why people join ISIS, you know.

AND ANOTHER THING:  It’s not only 107 degrees here right now, but the humidity is now at 30% and everyone died.  This is the worst part of the year, when it’s hot AND the monsoon is trying to build.  Tucson is like the planet Mercury.   It’s a million miles from everything, hot as hell, and if you inhale, you die.  Not that I would ever leave; that only lets the terrorists win.

So, in slightly lighter news, I am busy trying to hire two technicians, one to replace the guy that went batshit and shot that guy at the gas station, and the other because I need extra people.  I keep hearing how no businesses can get people, so I bumped everybody’s pay $2 and gave it a try.  I literally got hundreds of applications in the first week, even if half of them were written in crayon or included phrases like “God and Elvis told me to quit my last job” or “Hire me or else.”  I kind of admired that second one.

Now I have to start structuring interview questions, and HR is demanding that I “be more honest about the job this time.”  WTF?  Am I supposed to ask “How do you feel about being a moral vacuum?” or “Does the idea of working on a human extinction event cause you any trouble?”  No.  We won’t get quality help that way.  I am going to go the time-honored corporate method of “lying through my teeth” at least by omission.

Example:  “We don’t sell weapons to the government.”

Reality:  “We sell weapons to anyone who has the money, except the government, because they ask too many awkward questions.”

Then when they hire on, the bug will bite them or it will not, and if it doesn’t, I’ll just try again.  I mean, I’m in Tucson.   I literally have eternity to make this shit work.

I was once asked how I live with myself, being the villain and all.  That’s EASY.  My wife married me because I am the villain, and she thinks the humans must go.  I agree with her, of course, but even if I didn’t, I would still do this shit…Because it gets the nookie, and there is literally nothing I won’t do for the nookie.  Ghastly as that may seem to you young people who aren’t all wrinkled up and saggy. 

This highlights one of the problems with America.  Everyone worries about the dangers of premarital sex, but nobody at all worries about horrible old people sex.  All the parts that are supposed to be wet are dry, and the parts that are supposed to be dry are wet, sounds like a badly-tuned diesel come out of orifices that aren’t supposed to make  noise at all, and maybe you flood the basement.  Fucking horrible.

You can stop this weekly horror at any time, by simply not getting banned on facebook.  I don’t like writing this sort of crap any more than you like being exposed to it.  So the next time you feel the need to talk about weaponized lesbians or whatever the hell it was, let it ride…or at least use some asterixis in place of vowels, for Chrissakes.  It’s not like you didn’t KNOW Zuckerberg has it out for you; he hates us all and one day we will all be banned.  And on that day, Facebook will have achieved perfection.

Speaking of Uber-Rich assholes, both Jeff Bezos and Richard Branson are both going into space on their own platforms.  I am so in favor of this I could squea.  Imagine me squeaing.  It sounds awful, but I’m doing it anyway…Because both platforms are NOT man-rated, and there is a very good chance we will lose one or both plutocrats in a really spectacular way.  I think of semi-frozen chunks of Bezos landing all over Texas, and then I think about a frozen bit of Bezos hitting a Texan, and there is literally no downside to any of this.  The Weather Girls will be vindicated:  It will be raining men.

Now all we have to do is convince a few MORE of these idiotic rich people to climb into untested rockets.  Hell, Mallory was one of those rich bastards back in the day, and he climbed Everest all the way out of the breathable atmosphere and wound up freeze-dried just under “step one” so Sherpas can piss on his aristocratic remains when nobody is looking.  And it’s on Mount Everest, so nobody is EVER looking.  They may have re-hydrated his remains by now for all I know.

Rich folks dying in really fucking weird self-inflicted ways is how I get my happy thoughts, James.  And everyone needs their happy thoughts.

One day, alien archeologists will visit Earth, and the only thing left for them to study will be Mallory’s piss-soaked remains.  They’ll ponder this for years.  Centuries, maybe.  And they will say “We don’t know much about these primates, except that they were STUPID.”  And that is the ONLY thing they’ll get right about us.  Fucking aliens.

Of course, that assumes that aliens are smarter than us, and will get into interstellar space before they drown in their own sewage, like we will.  It’s entirely possible that they’re just as dumb as we are, and the “Great Filter” AND the “Fermi Paradox” can both be answered by a giant metaphorical bucket of shit.

Anyway, that’s all I have for this week…As I say, I don’t have much time to spare for talking to hairless apes and there’s SCIENCE to be done.

Venomously yours,

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Picking Cain's Brains
« on: July 12, 2021, 04:13:18 am »
Much obliged gents, will dig into it over the next few weeks.

I'm honestly surprised more isn't being made of this generally.

The first world has abandoned the pretense that anyone gives a shit about the Caribbean.

Aneristic Illusions / Re: Picking Cain's Brains
« on: July 11, 2021, 05:46:00 pm »
I also do think it's plausible that the "inside job" theory being floated by the opposition has some merit. It's not impossible that the Colombian team had a guy on the inside to help bring them in, disable the alarms or whatever, it's not like the two theories are *entirely* incompatible.

I tend to agree with this.  The timeline of when the mercs arrived isn't entirely consistent with the events that occurred.

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