So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way, and it is absolutely my love. That being said, I'm always up for critique and comments, anything to help my writing get better anyway. And I notice a lot of people on here are writers as well. Or writer-wanna-bes. Or somewhere in between. And you all love flaming. XD So, here's my latest poem, have at it!
Take your scalpel to my heart.
Peel away the fictitious layers,
Until you find out the truth
Of how the universe destroyed me.
This is a story.
I was swallowed by a lion as a young child
He told me that freedom wasn't everything
That pain and love are important too.
I felt the earth beneath his paws
And saw the stars through his eyes.
And I loved the earth.
With a flip of your scalpel you pull that layer away
Placing it gently in the tray for future analysis.
This is a story.
I carried the forest gently in my hand
Over an age of destruction
Where all the world was desert and smoke.
So when the dust settled down and
The fire ants were gone, I allowed
A single, precious seed to drop to the earth
And the forest began anew.
You cut deeper still
Determined to find the truth in the shadows behind my heart
This is a story.
I created a universe from spools of thread
Stringing a mobile of stars
I hung it from the fingers of a god.
I kissed his lips in my dream, and fled
To a barren world of safety.
You pierce through one more layer
Shaking your head at the audacity
Of the stories I tell.
This is a story.
I destroyed the stars
Pulled one into the other until I created
A domino chain of supernovas.
I created the brightest dawn in the universe
But the night thereafter was without hope
And the universe existed in terror of itself.
Take that layer away and my heart
Is growing thinner. Corners and shadows
Disappear underneath your doctor-light.
And stories can't cover the truth anymore.
This is a truth
When my heart was gone, and there was nothing left
In the universe but fables of existence,
What was in the shadows the entire time
Was a black hole where the devil lived
And swallowed you inside, and no one
Could hear your demon screams, gnashing teeth.
Space was only a silent echo to my last
Death cry. And there I imploded
Crushing myself into the emptiness.
And the universe began anew
Without me.
Have you read any books on writing poetry? Have you participated in any poetry groups? You need those.
I don't really feel like picking apart your poem because it's a lot of work to do a good job of it and my tendonitis is flaring up, but two things really stand out; heavy overuse of cliched terms, and too much telling. You have a couple of stanzas with good imagery but most of them are telly and should be axed. The first four lines are ghastly and need to die; I almost didn't read further, which would have been too bad because the rest isn't nearly as terrible.
In short, tighten it up, cut out all the telling and see if your poem holds together.
Here, something like this:
This is a story.
I carried the forest gently in my hand
Over an age of destruction
Where all the world was desert and smoke.
So when the dust settled down and
The fire ants were gone, I allowed
A single, precious seed to drop to the earth
And the forest began anew.
This is a story.
I created a universe from spools of thread
Stringing a mobile of stars
I hung it from the fingers of a god.
I kissed his lips in my dream, and fled
To a barren world of safety.
This is a story.
I destroyed the stars
Pulled one into the other until I created
A domino chain of supernovas.
I created the brightest dawn in the universe
But the night thereafter was without hope
And the universe existed in terror of itself.
I can definitely see what you mean by cutting out the first four lines and the in-between lines and I'll definitely do that when I edit. What I would like to know though is where are there cliches? And also, why would you cut out the first and last stanza? There is a lot of meaning in both of those stanzas, but apparently that's not very clear, so how do I make it clearer/better presented so I don't have to cut them out?
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way, and it is absolutely my love.
Yeah, but it's a whore and will leave you to starve in the gutter.
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism. ATM I'm still a student, but I know it's a hard career to get into and even harder to stay in and actually make a living off of. I'm not an idiot and I know I won't be writing brilliant best-selling novels right out of college. But I have some different plans to get into the career at least, and I know absolutely that that is where I want to be, so I won't quit until I am legitimately a writer.
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 22, 2010, 04:12:27 AM
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism.
Get used to Ramen.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 04:13:13 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 22, 2010, 04:12:27 AM
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism.
Get used to Ramen.
I was raised on ramen and spam.
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 04:52:27 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 04:13:13 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 22, 2010, 04:12:27 AM
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism.
Get used to Ramen.
I was raised on ramen and spam.
Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major
1.
1 Notice that I didn't say "journalist".
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 05:06:39 AM
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 04:52:27 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 04:13:13 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 22, 2010, 04:12:27 AM
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism.
Get used to Ramen.
I was raised on ramen and spam.
Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major1.
1 Notice that I didn't say "journalist".
LOL
Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 05:09:38 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 05:06:39 AM
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 04:52:27 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 04:13:13 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 22, 2010, 04:12:27 AM
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism.
Get used to Ramen.
I was raised on ramen and spam.
Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major1.
1 Notice that I didn't say "journalist".
LOL
Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.
Weak bones make strong character, I always say.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 05:16:42 AM
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 05:09:38 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 05:06:39 AM
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 04:52:27 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 04:13:13 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 22, 2010, 04:12:27 AM
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism.
Get used to Ramen.
I was raised on ramen and spam.
Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major1.
1 Notice that I didn't say "journalist".
LOL
Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.
Weak bones make strong character, I always say.
My God that's the most frightening thing I've heard all day.
Quote from: Nast on September 22, 2010, 05:42:55 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 05:16:42 AM
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 05:09:38 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 05:06:39 AM
Quote from: Cudgel on September 22, 2010, 04:52:27 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 04:13:13 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 22, 2010, 04:12:27 AM
Quote from: Epimetheus on September 21, 2010, 02:51:11 AM
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 04:06:51 AM
So, as you may or may not know, I am a writer and a story-teller and a poet. I fully intend to make a living this way
We're all storytellers. Got another job in the meantime?
Yeah, journalism.
Get used to Ramen.
I was raised on ramen and spam.
Then you may have a promising career as a journalism major1.
1 Notice that I didn't say "journalist".
LOL
Fuck liberal arts. I like eating real food. Although I think I shall force my children to grow up on ramen and spam to build character.
Weak bones make strong character, I always say.
My God that's the most frightening thing I've heard all day.
Stayed in, did you?
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2010, 05:45:08 AM
Quote from: Nast on September 22, 2010, 05:42:55 AM
My God that's the most frightening thing I've heard all day.
Stayed in, did you?
Or rather, I haven't been on PD until now today.
Things seem a little...tense.
But yes, I also spent the day in my muumuu, eating bonbons and watching reruns of Lucy.
Quote from: Nast on September 22, 2010, 06:14:32 AM
But yes, I also spent the day in my muumuu, eating bonbons and watching reruns of Lucy.
:fap:
Quote from: The Great Pope of OUTSIDE on September 18, 2010, 11:21:23 PM
I can definitely see what you mean by cutting out the first four lines and the in-between lines and I'll definitely do that when I edit. What I would like to know though is where are there cliches? And also, why would you cut out the first and last stanza? There is a lot of meaning in both of those stanzas, but apparently that's not very clear, so how do I make it clearer/better presented so I don't have to cut them out?
"Scalpel to my heart" is cliche. "Peeling back layers" is cliche. It's very difficult to write about love, pain, growth or rebirth without invoking cliches... but if you want to write about those topics, it's necessary to learn how to use imagery that doesn't come across like a Nine Inch Nails song.
The last stanza was very telly; "I did this and this and this" and weakened the stronger stanzas. Instead of telling what you did, try showing what happened.
This is a story.
I was swallowed by a lion as a young child
He told me that freedom wasn't everything
That pain and love are important too.
I felt the earth beneath his paws
And saw the stars through his eyes.
And I loved the earth.
This is a story.
I carried the forest gently in my hand
Over an age of destruction
Where all the world was desert and smoke.
So when the dust settled down and
The fire ants were gone, I allowed
A single, precious seed to drop to the earth
And the forest began anew.
This is a story.
I created a universe from spools of thread
Stringing a mobile of stars
I hung it from the fingers of a god.
I kissed his lips in my dream, and fled
To a barren world of safety.
This is a story.
I destroyed the stars
Pulled one into the other until I created
A domino chain of supernovas.
I created the brightest dawn in the universe
But the night thereafter was without hope
And the universe existed in terror of itself.
This is a truth
There is nothing left
In the universe but fables of existence,
Only a black hole where the devil lives
Swallowing me inside, and no one
Could hear my demon screams, gnashing teeth.
In his mouth I imploded
Crushing myself into the emptiness.
And the universe began anew
Without me.
~*EDITED*~
I took out the first stanza and all the in between stanzas. Like Nigel said, they were cliche, and the "you" added almost nothing worthwhile to the poem, other than being an observer, and the reader already fills that role. I left the lion stanza and the last stanza because I still think those are important to the meaning of the poem, but I edited the last stanza so hopefully it's less "telly" (The first stanza is supposed to be like that, so I left it the way it was.
Better.
The last stanza degenerates it into pure emo, you might want to work on that. Anything about cutting, bleeding, screaming, and people not being able to hear you... yeah, you get my drift. It's all on the same list.
Next; now that you have a nice repetition theme going, which I like, you probably want to make all the stanzas the same length and work on rhythm, especially spoken rhythm. Your lines don't all have to have a consistent number of syllables, though that is an easy beginner cheat; what you're looking for is a consistent cadence. Are you familiar with metric measure? Read your poem aloud several times. If possible, record it and play it back to yourself. Find the rhythm, and where there is awkwardness, rewrite the line until it has the right flow.
This is a truth
All that remained in a universe
Filled with lies, was the devil's smile
With hell-fire and void, and I
Crawled into the crevice of his teeth,
Crushing myself into the emptiness.
Any better?
Secondly, you're right, I really don't have much of a consciousness of meter and rhyme, and I probably should, but the thing is, it bothers me to write like that, because I don't yet know how to write with a set meter or rhyme scheme and still have the poem flow smoothly, so I write in free verse as best I can. But that's DEFINITELY something I need to work on.