Read it, or don't, let it sink the bottom, I don't know. I just needed somewhere to spew my brain for a minute.
End of my rope. For today, for now, I don't know. Tough winter for me. Not in the sense of anything actually happening, just emotionally - which makes it worse because it's pointless. It's finally getting nice out and I'm trying to drag myself back into a good mood, but it's not working well. I don't think I can let myself be happy. I try to relax, go out with friends, or take some time just for me, and I start worrying about what I haven't done yet, what I'm always too tired to do, what I *might* be forgetting to do, so how dare I stop. I go out with friends, have a great time, but minutes after walking through the door at home, I'm thinking about what stupid/awkward/annoying things I must have done and what they're probably saying/thinking now that I've gone, they must just spend time with me out of pity, why do I even bother, why do THEY even bother. I know it's probably not true, but try telling that to my brain. I hear the nice things they say, I hear them asking me to come out. But I don't often believe it. Hell, I can barely post here without second guessing everything I say and feeling like I'm intruding somewhere I don't belong.
And I'm just so tired, and if I'm not tired, I get sore, or overwhelmed, and can't do anything anyway. I am on edge constantly, and if I catch myself relaxing for a moment it comes back even stronger because WHAT AM I FORGETTING or SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW. Worst is that I know to an extent I take it out on those around me - distancing myself from most and being less patient with those closest to me. There were 5 ants in the kitchen this morning and I completely lost it. Really, it was the ants and EVERYTHING ELSE, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back this morning. Almost flipped out on my boss over the phone after getting to work after he asked me to do something I've done to the extent I can several times and am at the point where his input is needed. Luckily I kept it along the lines of "I already did this. I need x in order to go any further" but there's a good chance any other job would have sent me home.
On top of my imaginary problems, my boyfriend's grandfather has been in the hospital, and is likely dying. My last grandparent died when I was in 6th grade, I haven't dealt with the death of a family member for a while - not that there's any good way to deal with it. His great-grandfather died shortly after we started dating and I went to the funeral, but while I felt sad for my boyfriend and his family, I had never met him, so it didn't affect me too personally. But he's always been real close with his mother's parents, particularly his grandfather, and 8 years later I've gotten to know them well too. So I'm worried about his grandfather, worried about how my boyfriend is handling this, worried about his family (including his grandmother, who has Alzheimer's and is taken care of by his grandfather), worried about my father, who is up there in age (WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS) and worried about how my mother will deal with my father's eventual passing, as she is a good deal younger (WHY). Then berating myself for my other anxieties because they don't even compare to this, even if that doesn't stop them from making me any less crazy.
So here I am sitting in a pile of self-loathing, watching my to-do and filing piles at work barely move, worrying about the piles of everything that will be there when I get home, and all the anxieties and "what-ifs" swarming around that.
I did climb a mountain yesterday with friends. That was a lot of fun. But then today happened.
End of my rope. For today, for now, I don't know. Tough winter for me. Not in the sense of anything actually happening, just emotionally - which makes it worse because it's pointless. It's finally getting nice out and I'm trying to drag myself back into a good mood, but it's not working well. I don't think I can let myself be happy. I try to relax, go out with friends, or take some time just for me, and I start worrying about what I haven't done yet, what I'm always too tired to do, what I *might* be forgetting to do, so how dare I stop. I go out with friends, have a great time, but minutes after walking through the door at home, I'm thinking about what stupid/awkward/annoying things I must have done and what they're probably saying/thinking now that I've gone, they must just spend time with me out of pity, why do I even bother, why do THEY even bother. I know it's probably not true, but try telling that to my brain. I hear the nice things they say, I hear them asking me to come out. But I don't often believe it. Hell, I can barely post here without second guessing everything I say and feeling like I'm intruding somewhere I don't belong.
And I'm just so tired, and if I'm not tired, I get sore, or overwhelmed, and can't do anything anyway. I am on edge constantly, and if I catch myself relaxing for a moment it comes back even stronger because WHAT AM I FORGETTING or SOMETHING HORRIBLE IS GOING TO HAPPEN NOW. Worst is that I know to an extent I take it out on those around me - distancing myself from most and being less patient with those closest to me. There were 5 ants in the kitchen this morning and I completely lost it. Really, it was the ants and EVERYTHING ELSE, but that's the straw that broke the camel's back this morning. Almost flipped out on my boss over the phone after getting to work after he asked me to do something I've done to the extent I can several times and am at the point where his input is needed. Luckily I kept it along the lines of "I already did this. I need x in order to go any further" but there's a good chance any other job would have sent me home.
On top of my imaginary problems, my boyfriend's grandfather has been in the hospital, and is likely dying. My last grandparent died when I was in 6th grade, I haven't dealt with the death of a family member for a while - not that there's any good way to deal with it. His great-grandfather died shortly after we started dating and I went to the funeral, but while I felt sad for my boyfriend and his family, I had never met him, so it didn't affect me too personally. But he's always been real close with his mother's parents, particularly his grandfather, and 8 years later I've gotten to know them well too. So I'm worried about his grandfather, worried about how my boyfriend is handling this, worried about his family (including his grandmother, who has Alzheimer's and is taken care of by his grandfather), worried about my father, who is up there in age (WHY AM I EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS) and worried about how my mother will deal with my father's eventual passing, as she is a good deal younger (WHY). Then berating myself for my other anxieties because they don't even compare to this, even if that doesn't stop them from making me any less crazy.
So here I am sitting in a pile of self-loathing, watching my to-do and filing piles at work barely move, worrying about the piles of everything that will be there when I get home, and all the anxieties and "what-ifs" swarming around that.
I did climb a mountain yesterday with friends. That was a lot of fun. But then today happened.