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Topics - Hagtard Celine Dion Mustard

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Apple Talk / Adlibbing on Borrowed Time
« on: April 17, 2020, 03:23:10 am »
Nothing I'm about to say will ever live up to that title. You can have it.

I've been sick. Coughing up a fit since getting back from Florida. Every single day, I thought I was done for. This virus likes a certain receptor that is found mostly in the lungs, but apparently in the heart. That's why people just drop dead.

I started feeling better, and what is the first thing I did? I got drunk.

And now I'm sort of coming out of the stupor, and I'm having shooting pains in my chest.


I guess I'll give the emergency line another call tomorrow if it persists. In the meantime, fuck it. But at least I documented it on this Internet backwater for zero purpose.

The 9th is a Saudi Arabian posing as a conservative, and the 10th is a Russian posing as a liberal.

Two-thirds of those are double-agents for the CIA. Half of those are triple-agents for MI5.

The bartender says, "Why the long face?"




Wow. You clicked on it.

Apple Talk / Be a Discordian! But play it safe!
« on: April 01, 2020, 11:30:58 am »
We want you to be DISRUPTIVE but also please be respectful to the rest of us when you do disrupt things because we have very sensitive assholes and we have very bad personal complexes that make us really vulnerable to anything that can potentially upset us so we'll probably hate you forever if you do anything that is in anyway offensive to anybody.

Hail Eris!

Discordian Recipes / The Functionality of the Black Iron Prison
« on: January 07, 2020, 01:41:30 pm »
Imagine time as a solid object.

Imagine this solid object was created by an explosion of matter that turned into a web-like block of strands. If you repeated this explosion, the results would be strands that were in different locations than the last time. Each explosion is completely unpredictable.

Imagine the multiverse as every possible explosion of matter in this form. Each strand is a life.

Our four-dimensional unit is one particular result; time is simply us moving through those strands from the center of the explosion to the outer perimeter. We might not know what direction is coming next, but the way the strand moves is already set in stone.

But consider for a moment, that we live in a kind of Twilight Zone, where each one of us moving through those strands is a free-willed person. Everything is fine and dandy as long as our decisions go along with the route. But the moment we start trying to think outside the box, so to speak, we're going to be met with failure and massive amounts of almost inexplicable resistance from the world around us, because no matter how hard we try, we can't deviate from the path of the strand.

That's the Black Iron Prison.

Apple Talk / Holy Shit, We're Still in Discordia
« on: June 17, 2019, 09:31:16 pm »

And do our offspring need information faster than us?

Literate Chaotic / Nope
« on: November 12, 2017, 04:53:45 am »


Fucking REUTERS, ground zero for neutral and objective reporting, is finally starting to sound like The Onion. If the autistic backwater of North Korea were even capable of getting out of its electric wheelchair to throw a punch, we'd be on the brink of nuclear war instigated in the same manner as a bizarre chapter from a Douglas Adams novel, save for the fact that our LEADERS aren't YET talking about each other's mother's.

Despite being creatively innocuous, apparently being called "rocket man" is enough to prompt Kim Jong Il - a grown man who has difficulty locating his sideburns - to shoot back with all of the fury of a SubReddit title. Donald Trump has been called a lot of well-deserved nicknames over the last nine months, but "Dotard" really combines the childishness of the Internet with all of the artistic nuance of a Jackson Pollock.

Finally, my wishes have come true. The headlines of my personal utopia have never been anything short of "Dotard to Rocket Man: U Mad, Bro?"

Apple Talk / I'm in the Middle of a Lifelong Discordiential Crisis
« on: September 09, 2017, 03:01:56 am »
I'm a centrist and a rationalist. I value truth and honesty, measure and reason. In other words, I tend to Spock where others would Kirk. Except when I don't.

I'm passionate and easily frustrated. I get angry when people fall victim to the parlour tricks of the intellectually dishonest.

I am a poor Discordian.

I should delight in people being fooled; in believing nonsense, in being confused. But I don't. I feel like we live in a time of such overwhelming confusion and foolishness that people no longer need our help to be screwed with. The world itself has become chaos. The Information Age exhibits it in abundance.

It used to be different. It used to be that people were victims of government propaganda. Today, we're the victims of our own. Anyone with a cause can make up some bullshit infographic that deceptively appeals to the emotions of a whole swath of idiots and the fucking thing will spread like wildfire on every social media platform in existence. We are no longer the purveyors of chaos, my semi-friends. We are usurped by it.

What place does a Discordian have in this Brave New World? If you ask me, the only person "doing the work" is Ken M.

I'm at a loss.

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / A Nonviolent Protest Against Nonviolence
« on: September 09, 2017, 01:04:35 am »
I want to organize a Discordian protest. I think it would look something like this:


Obviously, I dismiss this poor guy as mentally ill (that's kind of what makes most homeless people homeless), but this clip is fascinating. Your homework is to draft, in any format (synopsis, script segment, chapter excerpt), some or all of an idea for a story based on the content. Start with a simple premise: everything he says is true. He is a police officer. They are killing people.

Think for Yourself, Schmuck! / Vote! Trial and Error Party
« on: August 27, 2017, 10:18:43 am »
Major political parties want to bounce you back and forth between the same two non-working solutions. "It didn't work the last time we tried it, so we tried the other thing, and now we're going to try the thing that didn't work before that again!" Independent parties either want to try things that failed in other countries or things so crazy that knowing they won't work to begin with seems like the least boring option.

Be bored no more! In the next election cycle, vote for the Trial and Error candidate!

Trial and Error! We're going to try something and if it doesn't work, we'll try something we haven't tried before!

Think nothing of bi-partisanship. In fact, think nothing of partisanship! When is the last time we tried being un-partisan? Never! So let's try that! And if that doesn't work, we'll try ultra partisanship! Just as long as the party in question is Trial and Error!

This message has not been approved or funded since we tried to get both and wound up with neither, so we're trying it out without them.

I liked Big-Top Pee Wee. It was fucked up in all the right ways.

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