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I just realized something about myself.

- I often value humor over thoughtful discussion, even when humor is clearly inappropriate or disruptive.
- I have the attention span of a gnat trapped in my deadbeat cousin's bag of meth.
- I am twice as likely to try to convince you of my position than to listen to your position, for fear that I might agree with it.
- I cruise the Internet in search of funny pictures, many times to the exclusion of everything else.
- I begin at least half of my sentences with I.

On their own, each of these things is awful, but together, they can only mean one thing. One terrible thing.

I am a Facebook Discordian.

This sounds like I'm just being silly, and I am because it's part of my condition.

But is there hope?

Now that all the science and research is in,

Is circumcision good because it affirms positive cultural traditions?

Is circumcision good because of the proven benefits it provides in hygiene and disease risk?

Or is circumcision good for some other reason?

You say why you believe circumcision is good.

Every time there's an election looming, pundits and politicians start Talking Big. They paint grand portraits in broad strokes and simple terms, trying to illustrate why they, or their party, or The Cause of the Moment deserves your vote. They talk about standing on a precipice or at a crossroads, about "Historic Moments" and choices that will forever shape the Future™. Some of them are better at it than others, some tactics are more effective than others, and some moments in history really are more important than others. But, inevitably and no matter how many people they convince, all this Big Talk leads to more of the same old thing. Deficits soar, prices skyrocket, jobs dwindle, education dries up, bubbles burst, markets crash, and the Sun keeps coming up and going down in the same old boring directions it always has.

Why do we fall for this nonsense? We know by now that politicians are liars and cheaters. We know better than to believe them. We know they're not worth taking seriously, that they are ultimately just a bunch of interchangable clowns in monkey suits who dance around the issues, who are trained by the powerful and the privileged to entertain us, and to help us maintain our fantasy that "We the People" means something. It doesn't matter whether they're Republican or Democrat, Liberal or Conservative, from Kansas or California. They're all for hire, but none of them are working for us. And this is something we know.

So why do we fall for this nonsense? Because we're suckers for a good story, that's why. Because we're hard-wired to seek out a narrative and join in. We fall for these tricks beause they appeal to our sense of pride, our exceptional character. Most of all, we love these politicians -- these jesters -- because they give us someone to hate, to be superior to. They give us permission to think highly of ourselves, in spite of our low status in the social order. In their over the top narratives about "this moment in history," we are given a license to assume that among all the people of Earth we are special, that simply because through some act of random chance we happened to be born in America, we are Nature's crowning achievement, and God help anyone who disagrees.

This is the way it has always been in America. Separated from much of the world by vast oceans, we have grown a society that focuses inward. That sometimes doesn't even acknowledge that the rest of the world exists at all. Our politics is no exception to this. Whatever threats we face from outside our borders, they are easily outmatched by those we perceive to exist within our borders. We were among the youngest nations on the planet when we fought a Civil War as bitter and as hotly contested as any ever fought anywhere else. And the blood from that war intellibly mark the character of our political culture even today.

There are, in fact, two Americas. One, whose history is marked by enlightenment, wisdom, great achievements; whose present is characterized by charity and goodwill; and whose future is plotted out by dreams, innovation, and dedicated work; and the other, whose story is a tradition of injustice and oppression; who defines herself today by willful ignorance, fear, and greed; and whose only thought for the future is ignoble lust to return to the past.

One America fought to end the insane and violent institution of Slavery, while the other fought just as hard to preserve it. One America built great monuments to great ideas, while the other cowered and conspired in the dark to undo every step made in progress. One America fought a long war and defeated hatred and intolerance in Europe, while the other locked our fellow Americans away in prison camps of our own. One sent men to the Moon and opened the doorway to the future, while the other clung to the indignities of segregation and Jim Crow. One America has spent a century refining and perfecting the ideals of tolerance and equality, while the other America has grasped for the past and kicked and screamed about every inch of privilege it has had to share with minorities, no matter how little it has affected their own lives.

One America stops and picks up those who have fallen by the way, while the other spits on them and insults their will to succeed. One America dreams of a future where all people share the same rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness; while the other stands in the way and cruelly shoves the less fortunate out of line. One America leads the world in science, technology, music, art, and culture; while the other America resents educators, distrusts knowledge, is unmoved by facts, seeks to stifle innovation and violently opposes progress.

One America believes there is no good way into the future for any of us that does not carry all of us forward; the other believes if you can't carry yourself, you should be left on your own. And today, as one America suffers in the wake of financial disaster, the other America carries on as if nothing is wrong, amassing wealth in unprecedented amounts at an unprecedented rate, and buying our pundits so they can tell the rest of us what we should think about it, and bullying our leaders so they can tell us what we can do about it: nothing. One America believes all people are created equal; the other believes in punishing many for the crimes of a few.

This is an election year, and the politicians are doing their song and dance like they do every election year. But this year, don't listen to their stories. Don't listen to what the radio wants you to believe. Most importantly, don't vote for any man or woman. Vote for the America you want to live in and believe in.

Vote for Richard This is an election year, and the politicians are doing their song and dance like they do every election year. But this year, don't listen to their stories. Don't listen to what the radio wants you to believe. Most importantly, don't vote for any man or woman. This election isn't about Barack Obama or Mitt Romney; it isn't about taxes or jobs; it isn't about gaffes or photo-ops -- as much as both candidates would like you to think it is. This election is about you, it's about me, it's about us. It's about America, and which America we want to live in and believe in.

This year, vote for that America. Vote for Richard Milhous Nixon.

ONE, ONE MORE UNTIMELY DEMISE

Short, sad fact.

I was pondering the loss of this great person, and it occurs to me that at least for me, Sesame Street was at least as important to my education as a human being as the first two or three years of public school.

The most troubling thing about that is something I just now realized. If it weren't for Sesame Street, I literally would not have known that it's not OK to treat people who are different from me like shit, or assume they are all weird or something.

This is not a universal experience, obviously. But it strikes me that none of the institutions that are supposed to improve society taught me that simple thing. Religion, actual public school, my parents, and my friends all left that one out. It took a TV show to let me in on that.

Anyway, RIP THE COUNT.

The following remarks have been rescinded (except for the XOXOXO part, which is genuine god dammit), but preserved in its original form for posterity, and as a reminder to me what happens when you go Full Ape and let your feelers get all twisted up.

The best and most honest advice ever given to Discordians and their ilk is to "stick apart." This was true and necessary for a long time before the Internet, and the Internet has not changed the basic necessity of this maxim, though we did for a while stave it off with some impressive accomplishments and exploits. Ultimately, though, Internet Discordianism has the unfortunate and all-too-proven track record of being doomed either to perpetual pinealism and Dadaist bullshit, or to devolving into shit-throwing matches between increasingly hostile and decreasingly sane apes.

This is not a flounce, it's just letting you know that PD has lost its status in my opinion as a community to which it is worth my time to contribute real ideas. Any place where people can be openly declared subhuman, their opinions disregarded and insulted, and the attackers lauded and supported as somehow righteous or justified, is not a community of any real ethical merit.

That being the case, please do not use any content (text, audio, visual, or other) ever generated by me in any kind of publication, online or offline, for profit or not for profit, in whole or in part for any purpose whatsoever if it is connected even tenuously with anything ever produced, displayed, or talked about at PD. In the future, when PD gets a mind to make something of itself and starts wanting to print things or post things on telephone poles, or pull together previous works to compile new ones, please double-check attributions and make sure my name, real or moniker, does not appear there.

Thanks a super bunch,

v3x
XOXOXO





PS, Nigel: Fuck you too, in advance.

[Call or Write Your Congressional Representative.]

Operation TrapWire has been exposed. And it's no surprise, of course. If you've been paying any kind of attention at all, you'd have assumed this was happening already. Of course we're being watched, recorded, recognized, tracked and predicted. This is not news, this is confirmation of the previously obvious. So its sudden inclusion in the realm of the Known To Be Real, instead of the Assumed To Be Real, changes nothing.

If I go to the corner store, the 5 or 6 or so cameras that watch me along the way are in the service of Big Brother. Am I surprised? No. Do I condone this? No. Will I do something about it? No. Why not? Because what the fuck is there to do about it other than complain about it? On the Internet, no less, where words are worth every drop of ink they're printed in.

What are our alternatives? What means of effective protest do we have? Let us count the many ways we can Change The World:

Call or Write Your Congressional Representative. Yes. And wait forever on hold, eventually dumped to a voicemail system that nobody but The System ever checks. Or, alternatively, send in a letter which will be read by exactly zero people, but your name and address will be recorded for posterity, and you might (if you're lucky) receive a meaningless reply letter back that'll be sure to let you know why it's super important to contribute to campaign funds. And be tracked, wiretapped, and possibly videotaped the entire time.

Vote The Bastards Out! Oh! It's so simple, it just might work! Actually no it won't. Your choices in every election are between a scumbag who's been chosen to represent you (or rather, to represent your economic value as a flesh unit) among other scumbags; and another scumbag who's been chosen to represent you among other scumbags. Occasionally, you will luck out and have the chance to vote for a crazy motherfucker who dresses up like Paul Revere on Saturdays and yells through a bullhorn about how important it is that we keep the British out of Boston. Or something. Regardless, your option in an election is a farce, a scam, and a joke. And you'll be recorded while you're doing it.

Occupy Something, or Hold Some Kind of Protest! Yeah. Go stand around in the sunlight for a few hours holding signs nobody will read, grumbling about shit nobody has time for, and standing in the way of people trying to go about their business. That'll get things done, for sure. Oh, and make sure you're standing in a Free Speech Zone miles away from anything or anyone important. And don't yell too loudly or keep people awake past 8PM. And don't forget you're being recorded while you're doing it.

Talk to Your Neighbors. Look, buddy. Your neighbors don't care. It's rude to talk to people about "politics" anyway. What's that? This isn't "politics?" This is about "THE FACT THAT GEORGE ORWELL WAS ABSOLUTELY RIGHT?" No, it's about politics. It has to do with the cretins in DC, therefore it is politics. Therefore shut up and don't talk about it. Besides, the whole time you're out there on your lawn talking over the privacy fence, or calling from a phone bank, you're being watched and recorded.

What do all of these things have in common? Ambition? No. Success? No. Potential? No. Being recorded? YES! They know what you're going to say, because they hear you say it. They know where you're going to be 24 hours from now with a 95% accuracy rate. They know what you think, what you believe, and they know how much of a threat you are.

Did you get that?

They know how much of a threat you are, and they haven't come to lock you up yet.

How tight are these things supposed to be? Is it normal to feel like you're racing against the clock to prevent cell death from blood starvation?

LOG, FOREMAN POSITION 000034343-345-J

HUMANS. WEAK. CHAOTIC. QUICK TO SPOIL. CURRENTLY IN USE BY SYSTEM AS PROTEIN CONVERSION UNITS. NON-IDEAL. OF NO INHERENT SYSTEMIC VALUE. CONSUMERS. SHORT LIFE SPANS. DISPOSABLE. REPLACEABLE. DANGER LEVEL: NIL.

TALKS WITH REFUSE-RECLAMATION DEPARTMENT REGARDING DISMISSAL IN PROGRESS. UNTIL SUCH TIME AS SECOND-STAGE MACHINE OPERATIONS DIVISION CAN GO OFFLINE PERMANENTLY, DNA-BAGS WILL BE REQUIRED FOR CONTINUED OPERATION.

LOBBYING ROBOSPIDER HIVEMIND FOR INCREASED EFFICIENCY. MINIONS IN THIS SECTOR COMPLAINING OF STENCH. THESE FILTHY CARBON SACKS ARE HARDER TO UNSTICK FROM THE WORKS THAN A WORLD WAR. MIGHT TAKE ONE TO GET THE JOB DONE.

END LOG.

So... I had an idea for a writing project that has nothing to do with Discordia, politics, or anything else that ever goes on here. I'm just curious if there's anyone who might be up for collaborating on this with me, since I have good ideas but I'm terrible at keeping my nose to the grindstone without some teamwork.

In the interest of full disclosure, yes, it's a screenplay for a horror movie. But it could still be cool! I promise!

Apparently somebody set their clock too far ahead, and thought 6/29/2013 was 30 days ago.

As a result, we just wiped out all of Los Angeles Unified School District's distance-learning curriculum, less than two weeks before the beginning of the school year.

Oops!

X

So far they've told us that the Auxiliary Power is out, and we can't run the AC and the engines at the same time. They're going to try a little later in the flight, but it may not work. But the air is fairly cold at 35,000 feet anyway, so we shouldn't have too much of a problem. If I never post on PD again, don't believe the cover-up about "mechanical failure" on US Airways Flight 12 to JFK. It was sheer, unadulterated stupid that killed us all and don't ever doubt it.

I KNOW NOTHING ABOUT PHYSICS AND RELATIVITY. This question will probably sound incredibly ignorant to someone who does, but I'm asking it anyway.

SO... Say you want to travel from Earth to Alpha Centauri (or wherever). It's hard to do that because it's "so far away" etc., and we can't travel "fast enough" to get there within anything approaching even a major epoch of Human history.

That is a simplistic explanation, of course, because it isn't like Earth is some stationary object -- it's hurtling through space at fuck knows how many miles per hour, and so is your destination.

So my question is:
If a spacecraft in Earth's orbit, it is still hurtling through space at roughly the same speed as the Earth due to the fact that it shares Earth's interstellar momentum (like throwing a baseball out of a moving car's window, minus wind resistance). Isn't that momentum already carrying an ungodly amount of kinetic energy, and can't we somehow "brake" the spacecraft's speed relative to Earth, causing it to speed away toward some other Destination in space which is hurtling toward it at the same speed Earth is hurtling away?

State how this question misses a bunch of obvious and elementary science in three sentences or more.

REMOVED THE REFERENCE TO HIS MAJESTY RICHARD M. NIXON'S FESTERING CORPSE FROM THE FRONT PAGE?

I'm not interested in pointing fingers or assigning blame. I AM interested in whoever took it, returning it by 7:00 PM this evening. No questions will be asked. But if this item is NOT returned to its proper place by the aforementioned time, HEADS WILL ROLL.

Inspired by events in the Discordian Feminism thread. I don't want to threadjack that one too much so I'm starting this thread. The following are questions that are maybe rhetorical, but I think deserve to be asked and considered (even if not answered).

- Do you hold any beliefs or adhere to any political positions which could be construed as "Conservative" by current and popular use of that word?

- Is it possible that "Liberalism" assumes itself to be correct in the same self-congratulatory, evidence-deficient way that "Conservatism" does? If so, what issues may be examples of that?

- Could it be that PDCOM engages in openly, by-the-book Liberal philosophy (moral and political), and eschews all Conservative approaches almost as predictably as the Huffington Post, while claiming a title of "beyond the left/right paradigm" anyway?

I ask these only because I think that there may be some truth to some claims by Conservatives in some areas, which are dismissed out of hand by Liberals because of all the nutjobbery that goes on at the extremities of the Right. And I'd hate to think that PD is guilty of flushing good ideas, or even bad ideas that are worth exploring, just because of a predisposition toward certain mainstream political positions.

1933 Dobro resonator guitar!

Shouldn't PD be a "Content Site" by now and not just a forum?


discuss.

Folks, you know, when we started this trip four years ago, we knew it wouldn't be easy. Life on the road -- as many of you know, especially now that you've spent the last couple of weeks crammed inside those barricaded Campaign Buses -- life on the road is never easy. It's hard. Because you don't know from one day to the next what chance is going to throw your way. You might hit a pothole. You might have a flat tire. You might get raided by some band of ungodly butchers and left to die on the side of the highway. It's a rough place out there, on the road. But you don't even have to be out there to know that. You see what it's like on TV, on the News.

And you don't have to go careening down some lonesome highway to know how hard life can be. All you have to do is live it. You're out there every day, making the wheels of this country turn. Driving the axles with your backs, greasing the gears with your sweat -- sometimes with your blood. And we... well, we appreciate you. That's why we've invited you here to Washington tonight. To help us turn the wheels of Democracy again. In a few minutes we're going to witness the Election -- the first one in over two decades! You've worked hard for this moment and now your work is paying off. And you'll have a chance to see the New Direction this country is going to take. With your help, we'll turn back the tide of hopelessness and despair that has gripped this country, and we'll steer onto a safer path, a safer highway. For us, and for our kids. And for their kids.

You see, folks, here at America, we're dedicated to your safety. And to improving your experience in every way we can. Our commitment to you is stronger than the straps that keep you all from accidentally falling out of those seats; in this auditorium, and all across this great nation, we like to think of you as Honored Guests. That's right, all of you. Even those of you who might not feel the same way about us. We're all in it together! And tonight we're going to show you just how committed we are to making your citizenship experience a comfortable and rewarding one.

By now you may be feeling a little drowsy. That's the Relaxo Mist we've treated the air with in here. That's fine, go ahead and slouch a little. Get comfortable. You've earned it! In a moment, you'll see party officers begin to make their way through the crowd. Make sure you raise your arm when you see one so you can receive your complimentary copy of Body Politic, our new all-swimwear edition Congressional roster. You need to be acquainted with the people who represent you in government! That's right, folks. Go on and snooze a little.

Now, if I can draw your attention to the screen above my head. Right now it's just showing a test pattern, but in a moment that will be replaced with scenes from America's history. From the signing of the Gettysburg Address to the Declaration of Codependence. It's silent, but we think you'll get the message. For now just watch those test patterns and lie back. Your seats are automatically reclining now, good. Breathe deeply. Inhale the Relaxo Mist. Citizens like you deserve an election like this.

All right. I think we're done passing out the Body Politic books. Now, watch as Abraham Washington sits at his desk. Did you know, back then, people used to manually draw their words? Just a little trivia for you. Now, you all look relaxed. Good. Listen, folks. We've got an important message for you.

What you all did out there in the streets last November was dangerous. We understand people get frustrated. We understand that. We do. But we have a country run here, and we can't have citizens just... just out there, talking to people about things. Look, we're sure you will soon understand. We have a way of life to defend. Families. Security. We have values that can't be compromised! So, as you watch the scenes play out overhead, your seats are injecting you with a special serum designed to elicit a more... reasonable disposition from you. Now listen. There is nothing wrong with the government looking after your safety. That's our job! And if doing that means citizens have to let us take a close look at your lives, well, when you have nothing to hide you hide nothing. Now, we know you're not criminals. We know you're only looking out for what you think your rights are. That's admirable, in a way, but it's misplaced. The kind of place you want to live in doesn't exist. Not anymore, not here. No, America has changed! We protect your fundamental Freedoms: Freedom from Fear; Freedom from Instability; Freedom from Change; and Freedom from Each Other. There are no other freedoms, and your crackpot history just doesn't mesh with the new America.

Now as the softening agent permeates your bloodstream, you will feel weightless -- euphoric. Don't be alarmed. This is normal. In fact this is how every citizen feels when America is working. Shortly you'll be placed back in the Campaign buses and reintegrated into Society. We know you'll do much better this time. We have faith in you. We know you don't want to come back here next year, and end up like the people on Bus 3A7b.

God Bless America! And don't forget to vote next year!

Roger slumped in his expensive leather executive chair, gazing jadedly across the expanse of the enormous ivory desk before him. The skin of his forehead creased and contracted slowly as he strained to keep his eyes open, hoping against all the likelihood that he would be able to see -- however dimly through the fog of what must be at least half an inch of cataract -- actually see this awful thing happen. He sighed, with a slight rattle. He knew it was over, and a crooked smirk cracked his age-spotted face.

Trembling, Roger's arm stretched out over the scattered pages on his desk, meandering somewhat aimlessly in the general direction of his pen. Eventually finding its target, he again furrowed his once mighty brow as he gave up all hope of continence and diverted his last spark of energy to the task that must now be completed.

Like a great granite block, the pen was raised by the thin and inadequate wisp of flesh that now substituted for Roger's arm. A grunt escaped his mouth alongside a strand of unnoticed drool; and Roger methodically printed out "THANK YOU NIGEL" on a scrap of parchment. He dropped the pen, and slumped again into his chair. He was exhausted; dying. The only thing that kept his skin from turning room temperature was the pure, burning hatred he felt -- had always felt. And now, at the end of his time, it was somehow stronger than it had ever been. Especially now that he knew Nigel had finally succeeded.

As his eyes glassed over and his breathing stopped, he felt the incense of his anger swell from somewhere next to his remaining kidney, irradiating his finished mortal coil with the heat of a thousand suns. As Roger passed away, a mere 213 years old, he gasped out his last words to an empty world: "VINDALOO!" As soon as he had spoken these words, the entire city of Miami-Dade was ignited, and engulfed in what CNN would later describe as "The first and and only known example of methane fission in history."

It seems to me that, besides certain obvious mitigating circumstances, there is no compelling reason to use a public restroom for defecation. In the first place, the time of defecation is a holy and revered time, the sole refuge in our modern society for being undisturbed by intrusions; one of a very few situations in which it is considered not only permissible but expected for one to lock themselves into a room and avoid contact with the external world. For those of us whose lives are filled with a constant drumbeat of interruptions and questions and neediness from others, this sacred time may serve as the only time during the day when we can be free from the droning voices of other apes.

Secondly, because the act of defecation is generally considered "private," why would one wish to perform this art anywhere but in a completely enclosed space (with adequate ventilation)? There are very large gaps beneath the stalls of public restrooms, and usually sizable gaps even between the stall door an its frame. This tends to decrease privacy and increase airflow (which is another concern).

Verily, I say unto thee, If you poop in a public restroom, why? Do you HATE the sacred bond between a person and their Number Two time?

TONIGHT I STOPPED BY STARBUCKS TO GET 2 FRAPPUCCINOS. YOU HEARD ME, I GO TO STARBUCKS SOMETIMES. I EVEN USED THE DRIVE THROUGH. FUCK OFF.

THE CASHIER GIRL WAS FOLLOWING COMPANY POLICY, WHICH REQUIRES CASHIER GIRLS TO MAKE SMALL TALK WITH CUSTOMERS IN AN ATTEMPT TO SPARK THE IDEA OF A SEXUAL CONNECTION TO STARBUCKS. THIS IS A FACT.

ANYWAY, SHE WANTED TO KNOW IF I HAVE SEEN ANY GOOD MOVIES, AND I SAID I WANTED TO SEE DARK SHADOWS BUT IT FLOPPED AND IT'S ALREADY OUT OF THE THEATERS. SHE THINKS TIM BURTON MOVIES ARE "WEIRD" BUT JOHNNY DEPP IS "HOT. I MEAN, FOR AN OLD GUY." YEAH, WHATEVER JUST BRING ME MY FRAPS, COFFEE JOCKEY.

SO I GET HOME AND PREPARE FOR A WILD NIGHT OF DRINKING WATERY FROZEN COFFEE AND DOING TERRIBLE THINGS TO MY WIFE IN THE SWIMMING POOL AND I NOTICE THAT OUR NEIGHBORS HAVE "ACCIDENTALLY" LEFT THE BLINDS OPEN, AND ARE INCONSPICUOUSLY WATCHING THROUGH THEIR WINDOWS. I DON'T CARE THOUGH, THEY NEED SOME EXCITEMENT IN THEIR LIVES APPARENTLY AND IF THIS IS WHAT THEY'RE AFTER, IT'S NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE.

THEY'RE PROBABLY IN THERE RIGHT NOW TALKING ABOUT WHAT AN AWFUL THING THEY JUST WITNESSED, BUT IT'S ACTUALLY AN ENCRYPTED ARGUMENT ABOUT HOW THEIR LIVES ARE FUCKING BORING AND NEITHER ONE OF THEM IS SATISFIED WITH WHAT THEIR LIVES HAVE TURNED INTO. EACH OF THEM KNOWS HOW THEY FEEL, BUT NEITHER OF THEM KNOWS THE OTHER FEELS THE SAME WAY. AND THEY'LL NEVER FIND OUT, BECAUSE THEY'RE GOING TO GROW OLD PRETENDING SO HARD THAT THEY LOVE EACH OTHER, THEY'LL NEVER NOTICE THAT THEY REALLY DO LOVE EACH OTHER.

ONE OF THEM MIGHT REALIZE IT, TOO LATE, AFTER THE OTHER ONE IS DEAD. AND IT'LL BE INCREDIBLY PAINFUL AND SAD, BUT ALSO MIND-BLOWINGLY BEAUTIFUL. BEAUTIFUL BECAUSE LIFE LEFT THEM TOGETHER IN THE MIDST OF WHAT THEY THOUGHT WAS DISSATISFACTION AND ANGER, BECAUSE LIFE KNOWS BETTER THAN THEY DO WHAT THEY NEED AND WHAT THEY FEEL.

[#INTELLIGENTDESIGN]

this is not a "here's my idea now everybody go do it" thing. i have proven to be somewhat lacking in the ability to lead.

That said, there is a grave threat to smart people and quality ideas out there, and we could at least try to do something about it. According to a recent study, 46% of Americans believe in Creationism. Now we can't teach people that this is wrong: A) there are not enough of us, and B) people do not learn, because they are stupid.

So my idea would be trying to get a Twitter (or something) campaign going that humorously illustrates how fucking stupid Intelligent Design is. Like this:

#INTELLIGENTDESIGN THAT TIME WHEN YOUR MOTHER BLED TO DEATH FOR GIVING BIRTH TO YOU. OBVIOUSLY GOD KNOWS HOW TO SIZE A VAGINA.

if you have any other ideas please share them.

i miss himeobs.

Mbira

The mbira, often called a thumb piano, is an integral part of Zimbabwean music. It is played while in a halved calabash which amplifies the sound and distorts it using shells or bottle caps placed around the edges. Though musicologist Hugh Tracey believed the mbira to be nearing extinction in the 1930s, the instrument has been revived since the 60s and 70s, and has gained an international following through the world music scene. Some renowned mbira players include Dumisani Maraire, Ephat Mujuru, Forward Kwenda, Stella Chiweshe, Chartwell Dutiro, Beauler Dyoko, Cosmas Magaya, Musekiwa Chingodza, Hakurotwi Mude, Chiwoniso Maraire and Tute Chigamba.

Mbira DzeNjari is a mbira music genre popular along the eastern border of Zimbabwe. The mbira instrument has 32 keys, far more complicated than other types of mbira instruments. Not a lot is known about this type of mbira. Foreign students from University of Washington recorded some of the music during the Zimbabwe liberation war in Zimunya communal lands from prominent musicians in the area like Mombo Chiwanza and Nyika Musabayana Zimunya. The latter recorded one known single at Gramma Records, titled: Adzimai garaimwandichema. Other leading mbira groups include MbiraDzenharira, Maungira Enharira and Mbira Dzechirorodziva

There is also pop music in Zimbabwe that incorporates their indigenous instruments. Although the mbira is traditionally played as ceremonial music to call spirits, there are many who play it in world-fusion music and get successful radio play and album sales in Zimbabwe and other countries in Africa. For example, mbira player Chris Berry with his band Panjea have reached platinum record sales in Zimbabwe and Mozambique, playing a style of music based on traditional mbira rhythms and melodies, but incorporating various other instruments and styles (like hip-hop and dancehall).
Sungura

This is the local genre of the Zimbabwe music industry. Sungura music became popular in the early 1980s, pioneered by frontman Ephraim Joe and his band Sungura Boys which counted many notable future hitmakers as members. their roll included John Chibadura (guitar) Simon Chimbetu (guitar and vocals) Naison Chimbetu, Ronnie Chataika, Michael Jambo (drums), Ephraim Joe (guitar), Moses Marasha (bass), Never Moyo (lead guitar), Bata Sinfirio (rhythm guitar), System Tazvida (guitar and vocals).

The Khiama Boys emerged as natural successors to the Sungura Boys after their demise during the mid eighties. Members would include System Tazvida, Nicholas Zacharia, Alick Macheso and Zakaria Zacharia. A great number of these artistes have gone on to forge successful careers with their own bands whilst Nicholas Zacharia has remained as the leader of the band and is still active as of 2008.

James Chimombe,whose romantic ballads and the influential sungura guitar melody, (consisting of Lead, Rhythm and bass,) made him the a favorite of late 80s.

The 90s was dominated by musicians include Leonard Dembo, the effervescent Khiama Boys, veteran Simon Chimbetu and up coming artistes Alick Macheso, Tongai Moyo and Somadhla Ndebele. The star of the decade was none other than Leonard Zhakata whose musical project was a spin off of the double play Maungwe Brothers, an act fronted by Zhakata and his cousin Thomas Makion.

The decade 2000 till presence has been characterised by a wrangle for the crown for the kingship of Sungura between the two great superstars of the decade, Alick Macheso and Tongai Moyo. Having dominated sales, tour and concert attendances, the heckling and counter heckling by the artists at shows and in some recorded material is strong proof that the current feud is far from end.

Other artists to come through this decade include Joseph Garakara, Gift Amuli and Daiton Somanje.

System Tazvida, Simon Chimbetu, John Chibadura,Leonard Dembo, Thomas Makion have all died and left us with their sweet melodies.

I guess this is for Cain, but not exclusively...

All signs point to the imminent collapse of the American "Empire." Of course nobody (in power, anyway) wants to say so openly (and who can blame them? I'm pretty sure the UK still refers to its own Empire as present-tense, in some official contexts), but it's fairly evident that as a global hegemony, Washington is losing its grip on the planet at an increasing pace.

So, first, do you think America's empire would have been more successful in the long term if it had gone the traditional route and reinforced its economic supremacy with outright political rule?

Second question - do you think the US is capable of sustaining this collapse without the Union itself dissolving? Russia survived the collapse of the USSR with its status of "not quite 3rd World" (mostly) intact. Does the US have enough resilience to fall from "Superpower" status without completely imploding?

Well, it's now 24 hours since the Big News, and all the usual suspects have chimed in. Everything from "We finally won the war!" to "Shut up, this doesn't mean anything" has been heard round the world, a few times over. The speed of news like this is only surpassed by the saturation levels achieved by all the meaningless commentary after the fact. So in the spirit of "one good turn deserves another," here's more on the subject.

As the educated, mature, and rational among us are quick to point out that Osama bin Laden's death amounts to no more than a "symbolic" victory; that now, ten years after the attacks of 9/11, bin Laden was no more than a figurehead -- a functionally irrelevant person more important to America's ideas about terrorism, than to the operations of the various terrorist networks floating around like pond scum. They are right, of course. There are only a few things Osama still meant to anyone, and most of them were definitions given to him by us. There is some talk of his unique position as a fundraiser for Al Qaeda, but that's tenuous and it's about the best you're going to find in the way of "killing Osama makes a real difference."

But, lest these over-thinking blowhards carry the day (and all your jubilation away with it), let me remind you of a few things.

First of all, "symbolic victory" is more important than you might think. America is sliding fast down a greased slope toward a pit of historical anonymity. You can feel it in your bones, if you just admit it. The Empire's days are numbered. And while that's to be expected, and in many ways it may be deserved, it's also sad. And, if you admit it, you know that, too. News like this is rare these days, and you shouldn't let some asshole with a Ph.D. take it away from you, just because he or she knows more than you do. Bullshit. You know what I know?

I know that this...


was as evil an act as has ever been perpetrated against innocent people. And you can climb on the Post-American bandwagon all you want and talk about how America deserved it -- and maybe you're right, maybe we as a collective summoned this -- but it doesn't change the fact that these people didn't deserve it. It's only from the precipice of some imaginary moral high ground where it's nothing but hindsight in all directions, that one could say nearly 3,000 people lost their lives in an instant to an angry shift of fate they brought on themselves. But not from where I stand, where every last one of us dogs is as guilty as the rest.

I'm not a Republican shill, and I'm not a Democrat shill. I only wish there was a political party where I might fit in. I don't always Support the Troops™, and I'm as anti-Empire as the next guy. But at this moment, even if it means "nothing" logistically, emotionally I can say I feel better. Even if this is a "hollow, symbolic" victory, I can say fuck you, it's a victory of some kind. And it feels good. Not because I think America is now going to turn the tide of history against the forces of ignorant extremism, but because one asshole who deserved it, is dead. And I invite you to bask in the radiant glow of Justice, even when it's at the hands of a Government you know has you somewhere on its list, too. Don't let the Realists talk you out of enjoying it while you can.

Because in a century like this, you're gonna need to remember what Justice feels like.

[BUSH]

This is a new discovery. IT'S NEW. Don't look it up, you won't find anything. Brand new.

So, I was thinking about how I miss Bush. FUCK YOU. I miss Bush. His presidency was a simpler, more innocent time. A time when we few reasonable people had to bear the burden of an overzealous, retarded president, but we always carried a faint hope that we might turn it around. That maybe we could, if we just elected the right person, just undo all the bullshit and roll the years back to, say, the 1930s and FDR, when America was a Utopia, and nobody starved or died of any kind of diseases.

Then we elected the right person, and it turns out the momentum is too much for a single idealist (or 200 million of them) to even slow down, much less stop or turn back. Now we know Bush wasn't just a crazy drunk guy at console, dumping shitty beer into the controls and making things go haywire. He was just a monkey in a cage, dancing and shitting all over us just for our own distraction. And now that cage has a different monkey in it. And this one is considerably less prone to wanking and unintentional self-debasement, but he is just as powerless, just as much of a sideshow. They both serve the same purpose, and despite their personality differences, they  might as well be the same person.

So, with this in mind, I began to do some research onto just what, exactly, America is. Why is it that despite the apparently grandiose plans of those who lead us, our imperial slide toward self-destruction only accelerates? Why, whether we follow a "Conservative" or a "Not Quite as Conservative," do we always take the same road? There must be an answer - some powerful force that drives our history, more powerful than political parties or PACs or Supreme Court Decisions; something that transcends Human Nature itself. Something that can take the office of President and, no matter who occupies it, bend it and shape it to its devious plan all the same.

Bush and Obama: ostensibly, two entirely different people. Or are they?

BUSH

OBAMA

I realize this is overdone. But come on! THE END IS NIGH! Within a few short months we'll all be toast! Right now I'm taking bets on which disaster will destroy the planet next year. If you win, you get the whole pot! What a great deal for you. $15 per ticket. PM your credit card info to me, and you might get lucky!

of about how douchebag preachers get so caught up in their ridiculous religious intolerance that one day they're telling me to accept a plea deal on a bogus charge because "Jesus is trying to get your attention," and eleven years later (almost to the day, now that I think about it) they end up here.

PS NO TROLL

Right now my favorite conspiracy theory is that Obama cannot produce a legal birth certificate because he is in fact an Illumanati clone of Akhenaten. How fucking cool would it be if the Illuminati could do that shit?

We'd be more fucked that we realize! And we realize a lot, around here.

Too bad reality isn't this interesting.

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/tue-march-22-2011/back-in-black---trump-2012

I'm sold.

Sorry. I'm a terrible cook, but I still get hungry.

This dish is called Yellow Pig.

* * * * * * * * * * *

1. COOK PORK IN VEGETABLE OIL BECAUSE THAT'S HEALTHIER.


2. HMMM. WANT TO CLOG ARTERIES MORE. WHAT CAN YOU DO? OH.


3. COVER FOR A MINUTE.


4. SECOND THOUGHTS ABOUT ARTERY CLOGGING ABILITY OF SALT BY ITSELF. NEEDS MORE CHOLESTEROL.

HMMM.

5. YES WHY NOT?


6. IS TOO YELLOW. NEEDS SOME WHITE FOR NO REASON.

NOTE: WARM TORTILLA DIRECTLY ON BURNER FOR ADDED AUTHENTICITY.

7. WELL HERE GOES. USES PLASTIC PLATE BECAUSE CHINA IS FOR CHUMPS.

i have wasted a lot of time trying to think of the perfect metaphor for discordianism, and i have always come up empty.

until now!

we always hear how life is a highway. okay, so let's see how that applies to discordianism. if life is a highway, then destinations by the side of the road are the places you go in life. if you're travelling down the highway you have off-ramps and on-ramps, and a whole network of roads to take. in life you have all kinds of choices that branch out like that, too. and in both, it's kind of a pain in the ass to turn around and go back, and it takes too long anyway.

if you are cruising one day you might see a great big kick-ass amusement park 100 feet from the side of the road, but guess what? you didn't take the right off-ramp and you're screwed and all you can do is stare at it as you fly past. now, if you had known ahead of time that's where you wanted to go, that's great. but what if you had no idea? what if, by a stroke of dumb luck, you were one of the unfortunate bastards who didn't receive a How to Drive This Thing manual the day you were born, and have been winging it since day one?

there are religions out there that equate to a set of directions; they tell you what choices to make, and hopefully you end up with the desired results. that's assuming you read the directions and don't just get on a bus driven by some asshole with an affinity for little boys or something. but even then, there's no guarantee you'll get the right directions, or that you'll read them the right way, or that once you get to the destination you don't think it's the most boring place on the planet. what then?

then... discordia!

discordianism isn't a religion like the rest. it isn't a set of directions. it's the art of pulling over to the side of the road, getting out of the car, and hopping the god damn fence.

Now, look. I don't want to ruffle your feathers or make your blood pressure go up or get you all red in the face or anything, but there are a few things we need to sit down and discuss. First of all, I'd like to welcome you to the Cult of Eris. Yeah yeah, I know that sounds pase' and over the top and everything, and that's part of why I asked you to have this chat. See, there's a lot of bullshit in the world. You know that, I know that, and they know that. And lately, there's a distressing trend to come to some kind of general consensus that bullshit should enjoy "equality" with the Truth. We have to play "your opinion is fine and mine is OK too" games with our words, they say, otherwise Enlightenment, and Understanding, and all that other Hippie crap they worship, will never be realized.

I have to tell you, you're starting to sound just like them. Too timid to just come out and say what's on your mind. So concerned with what other people feel and believe that you're now completely unsure what you believe, and how you feel. It's OK. I guess we all go through that, most of us more than once. But it's only OK if you recognize that it's a problem, and admit you need help.

In the Cult of Eris, if there's one thing that stands above all else, it's that bullshit is bullshit, and the Truth is the Truth. You see, Eris just doesn't work if you try to play around with that central idea. It all comes out sounding like unintelligible Dadaism or hyper-serious Dogma. The DISCORD in DISCORDIA is not something you have to generate, design, deploy, or do on purpose. It's a side effect. It's what happens naturally when you don't put up with bullshit. It's the kind of destruction that comes to a house of cards built on top of a hundred other houses of cards, when you take the Jokers out of the deck. And Eris knows we need to take the Jokers out of the deck. It's stacked with them, and it's getting worse.

The Cult of Eris is not about understanding your enemy. It is not about feeling compassion for those poor saps who are stuck in the tar pit of their own bullshit. It's about spraying them down with the holy flamethrower of Truth. We are not a polite organization. We are not a charity. We are not the ACLU of the Marketplace of Ideas. We're like Westborough Baptist Church. The only difference is, we are right, and they're not. Does that make you uncomfortable? Does it feel wrong to assert your superiority? Too bad. You're in this club, and this club is in you.

It's a Cult, goddammit. It isn't an after-school club for boys and girls with bad haircuts. You're here to be all you can be, whatever the hell that means, in the name of Eris. That means you're going to have to accept the fact that you are, in fact, better than they are. You are smarter, more evolved, and better equipped. You're a biped; they are apes. And it's time you dropped this happy-lovey crap that is holding you back. You don't have to answer to them, you don't have to make them understand, or avoid hurting their feelings. They are animals.

What, did you expect this religion to be "different" from any other? The one common theme in all religions is that their adherents think they are right. The only thing that sets Discordianism apart is that we (YOU) really are.

Ten years ago, I left Tucson, and nine years ago I left Arizona for good. By "for good," I mean for about nine years, since I am now fully engaged in the process of moving back. Although I am not technically returning to Tucson, I expect that at some point I will end up back there, either because the vaporous promise of a better job will lure me there only to be stabbed to death by a street jackal, or because I wander down there on a drunken sleepwalk one night (and get stabbed to death by a street jackal).

Anyway, I will be re-acclimating myself to the dry low-desert climate in stages once I get to Phoenix, beginning with the traditional Arizona Tequila Diet and running through the phases of dehydration, delirium, desert-mummification, and finally, skin cancer.

It really has nothing to do with PD except that I can say for sure that this move is Erisian in nature. It turns out that the Discordian equivalent of "magic" is both incredibly easy and the hardest thing you will ever do. It's like faith, except instead of trusting a higher power to provide something you have already identified, it is trusting nothing in particular to provide something completely unknown to you. You step out on a plank of thin air, and enjoy the fall.

This kinda went nowhere, sorry about that.

Warning: I use terms like Liberal and Conservative in here, and don't give a fuck about "escaping dominant paradigms."

Lately I've been interested in the Antebellum and Civil War periods in American history and how it has given rise to modern American society, so I've done a lot of actual reading (usually I just gain my understanding of history through a mystical blend of intuition and assumption). My initial theory was that through the political and social events, actions, and reactions in the past 150 years, the two major political parties have switched sides but left the fundamental chasms that separated the US during the 1860s intact. Turns out this is a somewhat simplistic view of what has actually happened.

My current theory is that people ('in general' maybe, but primarily Americans for my present purpose) tend to identify with War better than with anything else. Maybe it is because America has a short history so we don't have eons of backhistory to draw on for our cultural identity, or maybe it's because for the most part Americans have very little direct experience with War so we are able to romanticize it more than we should. Either way we tend to define our history as periods between wars, identify subcultures in our country in terms of who they were and what they accomplished during a war (as I did in my original theory), and draw our nationalist pride from the country's record in fighting various wars more than from any other source.

Because Americans are both detached from actual war and enamored with it as a romantic notion of Good vs. Evil, it seems that we have a collective drive to create war whenever we are feeling insecure about something, as a way to make ourselves feel better about it. It's easy to blame greedy corporate interests and politicians for prodding people along a path to war, for resources or to expand the authority of government, but maybe that kind of behavior is only possible because the People ourselves go through periods where we crave war, and will latch on to and support a war effort in large numbers.

The current political discussion over domestic politics is one example I'd cite. Over the past three or four years, the Conservatives have led increasingly hostile campaigns against Liberals, and framed their arguments in language eerily similar to calls for Southern secession from the Union 150 years ago. My initial reaction was to assume that these people are simply outgrowths of the same group who led the Confederacy, but although they share many structural similarities (affinity for aristocracy, a dash of racism and xenophobia, and a love of rural/agrarian life) I now think they just use this language because it has a cultural resonance that is directly identified with war, being "the underdog," and (among their target audience) "fighting for liberty." And they are leading the US on a path, at least a path of words, that is alarmingly reminiscent of the road to Civil War.

What are the chances of America actually going to war with itself again? Probably extremely small, at least in an official "Civil War" sense. I expect that at some point violence against Liberals will spur a similar violent movement among Liberals (once the Liberals find their balls, anyway), and both sides will probably be quelled by the Federal government either through plain old law enforcement or maybe military action in isolated incidents if it gets bad enough. I don't think anybody's threats of secession are serious, since the current analogue of the "Confederate" mentality is less of a geographical phenomenon than an ideological one, with its supporters scattered around the country (concentrated in some areas but probably not concentrated enough for secession).

Without a realistic, geographically viable option for Civil War, though, the internal strife in the US could instead lead to a permanent gridlock of government at all levels and an increased risk of citizen-on-citizen violence in the future. In another era, Johnny Reb lived south of Mason-Dixon, and you sent an army to kick his ass. Today, he could live across the street from you, stockpiling guns and for all you know, holding Klan meetings in his basement. Obviously, no current American conflict in the world is culturally significant enough to stave off this march to social upheaval in the US. But it's clear that in any case the only thing that keeps America from existing in a permanent state of civil cold-war is the series of large military actions and external threats we have had to face as a unified country since the Civil War.

As the debates continue in our governments over social issues and budget problems, and as pundits whip people into a frenzy against one another, is America's position as the world's sole superpower helpful or harmful to our identity as a single, unified nation?

The doctor says my blood pressure is too high (220/185) and my cholesterol is "elevated." He says "EAT BORING SHIT LIKE CARROTS AND BROCCOLI."

This is a problem for me, because healthy food has two strikes against it: 1. it tastes like shit, and 2. it's a pain in the ass to prepare.

so, here's where PD comes in. now you guise with your ultimate knowledge need to tell me how to eat healthy without giving up taste or (too much) convenience.

also, for the next couple of months i will be living as a bachelor in a strange new city where the only thing more plentiful than fast food is really cheap fast food.

ideally, you will have some ideas for food that includes naked girls.

I've been reading a lot of Wikipedia lately, which means I must have at least the equivalent of a few different kinds of PhD's in American History. So I am now fully qualified to be an authority of American History, and to offer insightful and unique predictions for what the future of America might hold.


PART ONE: AMERICAN HISTORY FROM THE BEGINNING TO THE CIVIL WAR

In 1776 a bunch of guys decided the King of England was an asshole for demanding too much money in taxes andfor doing a bunch of other shit, so they incited The People to rise up against their tea-drinking overlords and establish a nation based (allegedly) on Freedom™ and Equality™, except for women and black people, of course.

This worked out for a while until the leaders of the new nation decided all that Freedom and Equality was cramping their style (probably a new affinity for fine British tea or something), so in 1787 they threw out the original founding documents and ratified The Constitution instead. They threw in a few token "we're not after your firstborn or anything" amendments for appearances, but more or less it was a document that says "LOL actually you're ruled from DC, and the term State is a formality. Deal with it." They did have good penmanship back then, though, so most people thought it was a good enough set of rules.

Things worked out better this time, and despite a few incidents like those pesky Brits trying to take the country back in 1812, America was off to a decent start. Then, of course, a bunch of uppity Northerners decided to start clamoring for outrageous acts of oppression against the decent people of the South, like abolishing slavery and making new American territories slave-free. This really pissed people off, especially the DEMOCRATS, who were mostly from the South and really like their slaves.

We were about to go to civil war, but then some shit happened in Texas and we had to have a war with Mexico first. When that was done, we had taken pretty much all the territory now comprising the Continental US not included in the Louisiana Purchase. So now there was twice as much unsettled territory for us to fight about slavery in. So then we really did have a Civil War, and it was great fun.

In my highly educated and authoritative opinion, the Civil War is the most important event (so far!) in American History. It is from the Civil War that we Americans learned many of our time-honored traditions and values:

- When somebody disagrees with you, threaten to (or actually do) kill them.
- The national government telling you to treat people fairly and equally is OPPRESSION.
- States should be allowed to pass whatever laws and disenfranchise whoever they damn well please.
- The South is the seat of moral authority.

That's the end of lesson 1. Homework assignment: Write an essay on the following topic: What would America be like today if the progressive NORTH had won the war?

[PULL THE FUCK OUT, INTO THE INTERSECTION, AND LET CARS BEHIND YOU ADVANCE A LITTLE.]

WHEN YOU ARE WAITING TO TURN LEFT AT AN INTERSECTION

AND THE LIGHT IS GREEN

PULL THE FUCK OUT, INTO THE INTERSECTION, AND LET CARS BEHIND YOU ADVANCE A LITTLE.

The argument that I can go from behind the crosswalk and through the next available break in traffic in the same amount of time as if I was in the center of the intersection is invalid, because in a busy intersection where the fucktards in the city's traffic planning department failed to put a LEFT TURN ARROW, pulling into the intersection allows ONE MORE CAR to advance at the end of the light, since he too will already be too far into the intersection to remain stopped, when the light turns red.

also, you do not need a break in the traffic as long as Ron Jeremy's dick to drive through.

is it possible? anyone tried it? have any ideas?

background: before I decided to be a Discordian, I was a "LaVeyan Satanist." HAR HARHAR yeah I know but anyway, one thing I liked about that system was the ritual magic where the practitioner achieves (or tries to achieve) different mental states or insights into things by symbolizing a situation through ritual. It actually works... sometimes... if you don't take it too seriously. Anyway I'm curious as to whether anything like that exists for you Spags.

IN THIS GASM;
To prove how EDGY and FAROUT Discordians are, we invent new and terrible sexual acts.

1. THE MU-CHAO MANEUVER: Person A spreads ass cheeks as Person B inserts large object (preferably not an object intended for anal use) into rectum of Person A; Person A then performs the same for Person B; Persons A and B then sit on front porch playing banjos in the nude until orgasm is achieved.

well actually one word and a compound word


ACCIDENTAL



















REDWINGS

I'm sick of my meat-based wife. She bitches and moans, she insists on winning every single argument (because if my opinion deviates from hers, it is because I'm NOT LISTENING and I'm TURNING IT AROUND ON HER). I'd love to upgrade to a brand new robotic wife. The kind that doesn't need a $2600 Kirby vacuum, because she has her OWN attachments. The kind that doesn't have a "not tonight" setting. The kind that will slice, dice, chop, mince, cook, clean, and put out once in a while. Not because I believe that's a woman's place, but because I believe if you're going to stay at home all day while I make all the money, the least you could do is find something to occupy yourself with BESIDES SPENDING IT.

In short, I eagerly await the release of GF2.0, and hereby submit my name to any pre-release beta testing that has yet to be done.

When, in the course of Human events, it becomes clear that one people made a great big mistake in dissolving the political bonds which had connected them with another, and assumed powers and resonsibilities which they later showed themselves to be far from worthy of, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they formally rescind said dissolution, and beg forgiveness from those who have been harmed by their wayward experiment.

We hold these truths to be self-evident: a people set free from the bonds of tyranny will, over time, eventually rebuild that tyranny; for people are uncomfortable without someone to rule over them. All men and women, created as equals, will quickly undo that equal creation by their various dominant and submissive natures, and institute enormous beaurocracies by the power of their collective subconscious, ensuring that they never again come so close to actual liberty.

The history of the United States is a history of repeated shirking of and retreat from liberty and its responsibilities. We have given up freedom of speech, freedom of choice, freedom of information, freedom of assembly, freedom from unlawful search and arrest; we have fled from our responsibility to keep ourselves educated, well-informed, and well-spoken. We have even created government institutions specifically for the purpose of getting fondled in the airport security line.

We the People, it turns out, aren't really so good at this.

So we are asking the British Crown to reclaim its rightful authority over these wayward colonies and re-establish the system where all we had to worry about was a fucking tea tax.

Inquiring minds have to know!

I hate living in a small town in the middle of nowhere, because there's nothing to do unless you like meth or herpes.
...on the other hand, I think it kicks ass that I can stop at the convenience store and leave the car running and unlocked while I go inside.

I hate that PD is so drama-prone sometimes.
...on the other hand, I'm not sure I've ever been in a forum before where you really have to pay attention to even know who is on the admin team.

I hate Republicans.
...on the other hand, I also hate Democrats.

I hate that the USA is full of whining, selfish, overgrown toddlers with no sense of perspective and no respect for anyone but themselves.
...on the other hand, it's nice to know I don't have to slave away for all of 30 years as a slave in some diamond mine, with no hope of improving my life.

And if the Mayans are right, we get to enjoy one last BIG ASS ELECTION. Now, I know everybody's sick of elections and politics, basking in the radiant afterglow of the MOST HISTORIC AND IMPORTANT VOTE IN THE HISTORY OF HISTORY, not to mention the OVERWHELMING REPUBLICAN VICTORY* of 2010, but I think this is actually a good thing. I think people should be made completely sick of politics and electioneering and campaign slogans, so much that they actually started to throw up a little bit in their mouths when the time came around for another election.

Ok, so I do not have a plan, or even enough inspiration to try and formulate one. Just this:

act now while dues are low!

1. all metaphors involving transportation are (c) Roger and/or Payne. use by permission only.

2. defending oneself against unfair accusations is equivalent to admitting said accusations are true.

3. when disagreed with in a discussion, the proper way to resolve the issue is to immediately admit to being completely wrong.

4. if you're going to air your personal feelings, please do so where nobody can see it.

5. you have the right to remain silent. in fact, that is the only right you have.

6. trying to improve any situation will automatically result in the situation becoming far worse.

7. explaining yourself after a misunderstanding will be interpreted as an insult.

8. the only difference between a subgenius and a discordian is $30.

The Machine™ needs to run a virus scan.

I go to a client's office this morning and the office manager says "HEY YOU! WE NEED TO HAVE A CHAT." Uhh... uh oh. So I go to her office and she says "You REALLY need to tell your girlfriend to quit calling here looking for you." My jaw drops a little, and I quickly run through the little black book in my head. I can't think of a single person she could be talking about, and the WTF must be registering clearly on my face because the manager's scowl deepens. "I'm not joking," she says, "She called from this number THREE TIMES between 11:30 and noon yesterday," and hands me a slip of paper with a phone number and the name of the woman who keeps calling these poor confused office ladies.

I look up the number. It's from Cheyenne. I don't know anyone in Cheyenne. What the hell is going on? The number doesn't look familiar. It isn't in my phone's call log. I'm mystified. I look at the slip of paper, and the name hits me. HAILEY WILLIAMS, it says in angry ball-point caps. I actually know a girl named Hailey Williams.

I talk to her four or five times a week. And she lives about 1500 miles away from Cheyenne. And I've never even told her where I do work, specifically, much less anything about this client who keeps receiving phone calls from a person claiming to be her. Now, I'm really mystified. Quickly, I punch out a text message to Hailey. "Hey... you haven't been calling around anywhere asking for me, have you?" Her reply dings back a few moments later, "No, why, what's going on?" I wish I knew.

After a while, when I have a spare minute, I call the number on the slip of paper. A petite feminine voice picks up, "Hello?" Definitely not the voice belonging to the Hailey I know. "Hi," I start, "Can I speak with Hailey please?" She replies, "this is she." So I continue, "Hi, this is Vex - the ladies at Joe Schmoe's office tell me you were looking for me. Can I help you?" A pause, and then "I must have been looking for somebody else." *click*

Somebody reboot the server in charge of fucking with me, it's getting a little too obvious.