Messages

P.T. Poxwattle!

I have a serious problem with snake-oil salesmen. I keep buying their snake oil and now my house is so full of snake oil jars that I can't hardly get around my own home. This slick shine you see all over me is not sweat: I am literally covered in snake oil. My wife has taken the kids off to her mother's house until I can get my problem sorted out.

Can you help?

Can Phineas T Poxwattle help?

They say there are no stupid questions, only stupid people, and as my old friend PT Barnum used to say, uh, "Cash or credit?"

Can Phineas T Poxwattle help?

Why just look around you. *subtly pulls blanket over the fish tank and unconscious bodies surrounding it*

Too much snake oil, you say? You've got pills out the gills? Too much medical junk in your trunk?

Here's what I've got for you. A top hat. A cane. A tin of mustache wax. A soap box. A Dream!

You, yes YOU, can make unbelievable money by hocking snake oil, home remedies, homeopathic chicanery, and sugar pills. All you need is a half dozen complete boobs, halfwits, nitwits, cockleberries, numbskulls, spags, macguffins, and tin foil hat wearing cranks.

I'll get you started!

*pushes Cainad up onto the soap box, wipes his forehead with a cloth, sits down, exhausted*

Poxwattle,

I have a bad case of the Heebies and I'm concerned that I may also get the Jeebies as well. What can I do to cure the Heebies and ward off the Jeebies?

What has old Phineas got in his bag today?

*rummaging*

speculum...

fishing wire...

brimbles & zads....

Cinnamon Toast Crunch...

AHAH!


Son, this will cure what ails ye: a T-Shirt that says #YOLO

You only live once, son. Let everybody know.

Poxwattle, I'm all backed up, and I no longer have the endurance for the sustained screaming discipline I've been practicing since March. Have you a cure for what ails me?

No endurance? Backed up? Frog in your throat? Has Phineas T Poxwattle got something to cure you?

*cups his ear to the crowd*

Folks, this is where you shout "Hell yes"

NOW

Has Phineas T Poxwattle got something to cure you?

*cups his ear to the crowd*



Come on, guys. What is this, a cricket convention? Alright, anyway,

step right up, Miss. Right here, what I've got, is a bottle of gen-u-ine tonic water. I want you to mix this with some of the gin from that fish tank over there, and apply it liberally to your liver and kidneys by way of your mouth.

THAT'S NOT FAST ENOUGH, you say?

I will sell you this box of tampons, which you can use to absorb the gin and ingest it through your derriere.

Don't pay any attention to the hawaiian space fish.

Poxwattle, I accidentally kicked myself in the NADZ. I think I broke all the toes on my right foot. How do I make them grow back?

*bites coin*, Mm

Thank you very much, son. Here's what I can do for you. I can teach you an aerobic exercise which will stimulate the vescicles and tubules in your joints, promoting growth and regeneration.

Stand up straight now. Hands at your side. Eyes forward. Back straight, son! No slouching!

Take your right foot in your left hand. Now throw it over your shoulder.
Now take your left foot in your right hand. Now throw it over the other shoulder.

There's a good boy.

Do this about 81 times a day and your piggies will be wiggling in no time flat.

My little pony seems to have turned me into a hawaiian space fish. Id pray to pele to fix it but the profit pbuh (paying bucks ultimately helps) forbids it. Plus fish and volcanos dont get along too swimmingly. More fix please.

Sorry son, I thought you wanted to be a hawaiian space fish.

I can't do anything for you, but I will sell you this aquarium full of gin.

I've also got some mint seeds you can plant in it. Swim right up that's a good fish!

[It's both!]

"It's a couch"

"It's a fuck bag"

"It's a couch"

"It's a fuck bag"

Stop it you two numbskulls! It's both!





Here's some hockey tape and some petroleum jelly, knock yourselves out.

STEP RIGHT UP

here's some packing tape

you put it all over your body

Poxwattle,

This tequila smells like paint thinner. And tastes like paint thinner.

It's giving me a serious case of the ruminations.

It also removes paint at NO ADDED COST

Poxwattle,

I do declare, I fear I am afflicted with a case of the vapors. What medicine to spring me from my fainting couch?

Well Miss Suu over here just bought my last vapor remedy. But don't think Old Phineas can't solve your problem, no sir!

What I've got here is a couchapult. It's like a couch, but when you pull this here lever, it throws you clear over the river. Any vapors you've got left inside you will be left behind, along with the excrement. Yes, the velocity of the couchapult will cause your body to evacuate any waste. But that's how you know the remedy is working!

Dear Poxwattle.

I have the chicken pox, the sheep pox, wolf pox and badger pox.
Also, I have a case of highly contagious doomsday herpes.

wat do

Son, you need to wattle it.

Here's what I'm going to give you: a blanket made of asbestos. You wrap it around your head five or six or seven or ten times, then cover it with petroleum jelly.

Next, drink water out of the far side of a glass while leaning backwards out a window, and then get a little kid to blow up a brown paper bag and POP it as loud as he can. The shock should send your nervous system into a poxless state.

So that should cure you, but you gotta be more careful, my boy! I know you're filled with temptations. These days, the world is full of temptations. Back when I was a boy like yourself I didn't have the twitter or the tiny friendly crabs or the self-pinching nipples. We had to amuse ourselves by making sock puppets out of living woodland creatures. When the creatures gave up their ehh 'life pulse' we would wear them as socks, which is the only reason I call them sock puppets instead of fist warmers. So the moral of the story is, stay away from sheep, wolves, and badgers.

The trick, son, is simple, and I'll tell it to ya for a nickle. Alright, that's a good boy, you're a keeper. The trick is this:

if you're going to bugger a series of animals, you need to do it in the right order. First prey, then predator. You can't just put your pecker in a wolf, then in a rabbit. That's not natural. That's not what mother nature intended. You have to follow the food chain. First, the wolf, THEN, the rabbit!

That's a good boy. Now move aside kid, you're blocking the line.

Poxwattle,

I have a case of the dropsy, the drowsy, and the dysentery! What magic medicine do you have for me today?!

Step right up young lady,

Dropsy, drowsy, and the dysentery you say?
Why, your problem is clear as day!

You have an excess of vapors.

Here's what you're a-going to do. I'm going to sell you this medical whoopee cushion. No, don't put your mouth on the sphincter, there's a good girl. It's exactly the opposite. You need to put the mouth of the whoopee cushion up to your derriere. That's right. Now when you get the vapors, let them loose into the whoopee cushion.

That will be 40 cents!

30 if I can watch you fill the cushion. Old Phineas has been on the road a long time.

Poxwattle,

I have a searing pain behind my eye. All damn day and night. No painkillers touch it. It's been there for years and I'm considering just taking a spoon to it. Just for a different kind of pain for a while, you know?

Can you recommend an alternative?

Yes indeedy duo, I have a cure for YUO.

Here's your problem - your eye is popping out. Probably because a worm has gotten into your brain and it's pushing your eyeball around.

Normally I'd recommend taking an ice cream scoop to your head and fish the little bastard out of there. But that wouldn't help, it'd just drive the thing deeper, probably causing your other eye to bulge out.

So instead, here's what we're a-going to do. Take this here tub of Elmer's glue. What you need to do is put the glue into these horse pills. Jam the pills up your nose. Then, ease the worm out of your tear duct using an open bottle of Tequilla, which I will provide at a low low cost of 149.99.99. The extra 99 is for savings.

GUARANTEED*




_{*not guaranteed to fix your medical malady, guaranteed savings on what I would otherwise charge}

[STEP RIGHT UP]

STEP RIGHT UP

Have I got the cure, elixir, tonic, oil, salve, tincture, or potion for your ill?

YES I DO

Am I medically licensed to give out medicine?

NO I AM NOT

Is this stuff technically medicine?

LET'S NOT GO THERE OKAY


STEP right up

YOU, son! You look a little green around the gills. Your eyes itch, and your phlegm is blue, you say?

HAVE I GOT THE REMEDY FOR YOU

You look like you're suffering from a rare case of Tropical Space AIDS compounded by congenital penis fingers. Why that's a bad case, son! That's the same thing that killed Klaus Nomi!

Okay here's what you're a-going to do

Here is season 1-3 of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

I want you to go home and then put it in your DVD player. I want you to put a sheet over your TV and then sit under said sheet, so that all you can see is the TV. I want you to plug these ear buds into your a-television set. And I want you to spend all day in there, just absorbing the friendship and the magic. Let it wash over you. It contains nine COUNT EM NINE essential minerals, guaranteed to give you VIM, and make you fit as a fiddle and gay as a goose in springtime.

COME ONE, COME ALL

Hear ye! Hear ye!

I come bearing curios and elixers of all sorts. Tonics, Oils, Salves, Butt Powders, you name it, I've got it.

Today, however, I come bearing a rather rare and strange tincture. This tincture can only be made under very special conditions. Let me tell you how I came into possession of this rare alchemical potion.

But first, let explain something about the alchemy of personality. Personality is a very particular brew. To create a personality tincture, you take one part Motivation, distill it with alcohol, and suspend it in a social network. Because the ingredients are so specific, you can never create the same personality twice. If you take the same person and immerse him in two different social baths, you will get two different personalities.

So what happens if you take a group of people, suspend them in a social network like this forum, and then suspend the same people in a very different social network, let's say the forums at Wicca.com? You'll end up with people connected to two different personalities.

If you let the tincture stand for long enough, certain psychic elements will divide themselves between the two personalities. Perhaps the nice parts will go to one end, the nasty to the other. Perhaps the person uses one personality to express drives which cannot be expressed by the other. At this point, the two personalities are very different. Practically separate people, with their own methods, posting styles, and social relationships.

And here's where the alchemy comes in..

Remember how the personality is intimately connected with the social network? If you mix up the two social networks, what do you think happens to the personalities?

My tincture is created by taking somebody from principiadiscordia.com, having them project certain parts of themselves into a social network on wicca.com, and forming certain relationships. Then, when the citizens of wicca.com come to PD.com, the person in question becomes very confused. He cannot figure out how to relate to the newcomers, as he has already established relationships with them through a very different personality.

As I said, this is a very rare and special tincture I'm peddling. It is liquid cognitive dissonance. One sip and it will shift your entire mental checkerboard. But before you sample it, you may want to put on some adult diapers, which I also happen to have for sale.


Brave enough to try it? Step right up...

It's no flamewar. They're just asking you to put forth arguments that you can back up. Otherwise just lurk and read moar until you have something solid to contribute. No shame in admitting you've said dumb things, just do it and you'll feel better. We all derp things up once in a while. It's tough to be intellectually honest and even tougher to admit you're wrong.

uhhh I've been backing up my arguments? Just because you don't agree with my points doesn't mean that I'm not contributing something solid. What I'm examining is a point of view, which cannot be right or wrong, although it can have degrees of both. In the replies to my posts, I haven't yet heard anything which has tipped my opinion. So merely admitting that I'm wrong because a group disagrees with me... would be the sort of collectivism you guys are arguing against.

This thread was good until Phineas showed up.

I had been chewing on Dok's OP since he posted it, and I wanted to share some of the things it made me question. I think this is the preferred thing to do, rather than ignoring it or posting mittens.

but if you guys think I fucked it up, mea culpa. Don't sweat it, I'm out then, sorry to fuck things up.