This is all of them. Thanks for all the fish!
A Survivor's Guide to All Hallows Eve.
Ah hallo chaps! Chadwick Wizilbotum here again. I was recently in the old country for a few weeks and realized it was that time of year. The best time of year in my humble opinion, a time when life turns to death, light fades and darkness prevails. Reminds me of the seventies but with less communists and more Satanists. Damn Commies. Halloween, no matter what your local New World Order controlled authorities say it is the most dangerous night of the year. Human sacrifice cults, evil monsters, rowdy teenagers, and communists all make this one night of year very deadly. So this here my dear friends is a guide to safe guard you all, no matter what hazard you may run into!
Meddling Kids: No matter what your status is in your community it only takes a few meddling kids with three cartons of eggs and nine rolls of toilet paper to turn your house to complete ruin. I have tried to recommend several measures to the city hall insure this will never happen to me again, however I have found only personal action can stop this from happening. Simply invite the said teenagers into your home, give them some beer laced with Rohypnol. Next you take them into the interrogation chamber and employ the ancient and painful slow torture of the Papa New Guinea pygmy tribes. It leaves no marks so nobody will believe them when they leave. All you need is a package of frozen peas (beans and corn work too) an elastic band and a gallon of hot water. This will ensure that those wretched meddling kids never set foot towards your humble home again. If you don't have any of these materials or don't believe in torture then you can just buy a hacksaw and go to town on them. If all else fails then take the easy way out and scary decorations around your yard, leave the lights on and put a scary carved orange vegetable on your doorstep. That should keep the meddling kids away. Damn meddling kids!
Scary Movies: Going out is dangerous. I have gone over this many times. During this night of nightmares, doubly so. So make sure to be dressed up in a scary outfit so nobody recognizes you as a target. Who is targeting you is part of the mystery of Halloween, mysterious like how those honor role kids get so instantly dumb into those slash flicks. The best way to think of it like an acting class; good acting means you live, bad acting means you die by the hands of chainsaw wielding maniacs or a press gang. Damn media. Either is bad. Even talking to people is dangerous. So if forced into conversation use your best Vincent Price or Elvira impression. Its like the old code talk we used back in '78 when we were in Ireland, except we thought we were in the USSR! So the seven weeks of dialect training really backfired when we tried to infiltrate the IRA. Never shot so many shells in so few minutes. Well, Except for that time when I had drank half a quart of bourbon and tried to show the boys the proper use of an H&K 7.62mm Artillery Cannon. Think of Halloween as a sort of paranoia day, trust nobody, act strangely, and if the experience becomes too soul numbingly intense then simply take some Memo-X and go to bed. Fail to do this? Expect to not make it through the night.
Music of the Night: Music is a prime source of safety. We learned that back in '95 when we had 'I will Survive' blaring during a midnight raid, twenty men held one hundred and thirty off until the song ended. Mind you were they were slaughtered after ward, but that was because of Stealer's Wheel 'Stuck in the Middle with you' started playing. Damn One Hit Wonders. Making sure you have Halloween themed music will prevent nocturnal attackers from seeing your home as a target, after all only real monsters would listen to techno remixes of 'Monster Mash' and 'Thriller' on loop. Just remember under no circumstances should you EVER play anything by 'Rage Against the Machine'. Not because it will make fish-hook wielding psychos slice your friends to pieces, because they are against the system and thus so, communists. Damn Commies. But choose some good music and the night will pass with out worry.
A new beat and some good acoustics, I could change the world.
Elder Gods: I spent nine months chasing after an authentic copy of the Necronomican to trade to a Cthulhu cult for one of our high ranking generals back. When we finally got the poor bastard back he was gibbering about rats inside of walls and all kinds of other rubbish. Had no choice to but to put him down. We learned an important lesson that day, never trade high ranking officers for forbidden texts of archaic knowledge. Ever. So make sure you do this doubly so on Halloween, for every person you don't trust make sure you don't trust them twice! Just to be sure! As for things that go bump in the night I will now officially make my statement. Nothing outside the ordinary happens on Halloween, so don't keep any recording devices around in case your mind plays a trick on you. Another thing, under no circumstances should you have sexual intercourse on Halloween, the child that results from this WILL be the anti-Christ.
Well that is all you need to know about surviving Halloween. Stay heavily armed, stay loaded, and don't fall asleep or you won't wake up. I think of Halloween as a merry little war that happens every year, for one night. Sort of like that mess down in the Falkland islands. Except no penguins. I hate penguins. Damn Penguins. So remember chaps! Nothing can ever steal the spirit of Halloween, except for the Grinch. Greedy green damn bastard.
Now go be a hero!
A Survivor's Guide to Travel
Chadwick Wizilbotum
Hallo Chaps! Your comrade in arms here! Chadwick Wizilbotum. I was told to write something about traveling. Now I have been to every single country in the world because of some conflict of another. Now most of you will not have this opportunity. Unless you are fighting communism, which appears everywhere that the red menace can spread its dissenting taint. Damn commies. Regardless, I have picked up some ways to keep yourself in one piece when traveling abroad. I have thinned out the less handy tips like when leaving an embassy being overrun by the locals have a photographer on the ground to take an 'memorable' photograph of your retreat. Damn pictures. Anyways, here you are my dear chaps! All my finest!
Trust No One: This very simple credo can save yourself much grief. Don't leave your bags unattended, especially when they are packed with the head of a drug czar from Cambodia. Things can get ugly very quickly. So never ever rely on help from strangers, unless they are at gun point. Then you can go on some of what they say. The only time you can ever completely trust someone is after depriving them of sleep for a week. They will do ANYTHING to get sleep, even hand over the rocket plans.
Plan X-L-B: Have lots of back up plans, should things go bad. And they do, more often than not a week on leave to northern Ireland will turn into a bloodbath of intrigue. Make sure you have outside help, reinforcements are nice. Especially Swiss ones that hire out and are capable of using heavy artillery. Don't believe what the locals say about certain places, chances are, they are trying to kill you. Be sure to have a 'Houdini plan' incase you run out of funds and need to get away from angry tab waving bar owners.
Ready & Reliability: The AK-47 is the only thing that communism brought to this world that is not evil. The AK-47 is more durable than some soldiers. It can be trusted when your fancy gadgetry is broken or 'crashed' and while myself I rely on my trusty snipers rifle when things get dicey I have been saved many times by this wonderful invention. If your not sure about a certain travel agency do not go with them. You could well wake up inside of a shipping crate full of rats in Somalia. Damn rats.
Get Ahead: Plan your trip, make sure you know how you will get from A-B. Having a map with an X drawn on it only leads to trouble. Like back in '89 we had to go from some bombed out bunker in Siberia to a informant in Moscow in a 72 hours to save the free world. After a lot of improvising and some interpretive dance on the slow train out of Siberia we made it. A very serious mission yes, but still some planning and we would have been able to have known there was a plane landing at out drop off zone two hours after we left. Don't end up like we were, kissing each other in front of guards to avoid being shot. Plan ahead to get ahead.
Don't Burn: Literally or metaphorically this is good advice. Setting fire to the locals will bring unwanted harassment from their relatives, even if it was their fault to get in front of a flamethrower. Not tipping will get you a bad case of food poisoning. If something seems fishy then don't go with it, nothing is worse than that quality time we so often get to spend thinking about the which error it was that had gotten us tied to a wooden chair in a basement in Mexico city with a car battery attached to our hands. Remember the rules of Las Vegas. Tip big, don't burn the locals and everything should be fine.
One day: Don't do this, one day never comes. Go enjoy and see the world. Paris is a sight if your not too busy looking out for Turkish assassins. So do it! Take the plunge. Spend some money and see some of the world outside of that little fish bowl world those damn dirty commies want you to live in! Damn dirty commies.
Well that is all chaps! Jolly good! If this guide prevents just one of you, my beloved pupils from being dumped over the side of a ship into shark infested waters. Then all this typing has been worth it. As for me it is off to exotic Madagascar to retrieve a briefcase from some psychotic New World Order bastard. Damn New World Order. So keep safe, stay strong and remember that the new world order has sleepers everywhere, you cannot be sure who is really on your side until the moment of truth. Either that or I am paranoid. Boulderdash! Regardless, I only have a few hours left at home before I depart so take care keep safe and don't be afraid of anything.
Now go be a hero!
I like this and dislike that
Chadwick Wizilbotum
Hey there chaps! Chadwick here. After a few weeks in counseling, I had been told by my chaplain that I cannot continue to hate almost everything except war. 1 have taken it to heart and he suggested a ridiculous exercise involving list making. Damn chaplain. Something about instead of using strong words like 'love' or 'hate' I use words like dislike and like. After being abroad in Iraq hunkered inside of a bunker listening to the constant gunfire outside I realized something, I really do not enjoy the smell of gunpowder in the morning. I didn't hate the smell of gun powder, I just preferred other smells, like Napalm. Delicious napalm. Which I do adore, the smell of napalm is kind of like petroleum. It struck me to write a list of things that I like and things that I dislike. So I started too it! Here you are chaps! The finished product is here, for you. Things I adore and things abhor.
Adore:
I dislike communists.
I dislike the taste of failure.
I dislike large dogs that make noise when I am trying to sleep.
I dislike overcooked food.
I dislike children, if I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I can boots on my cat.
I dislike the UN, they are bunch of New World Order pawns if you ask me.
I dislike ugly looking babies, and if your baby is ugly then don't ask others if it is beautiful. It forces people to lie to you.
I dislike people who talk about things they do not know about or those who make uneducated claims expecting others too care.
I dislike smelly things like old socks, smoldering rubber and rubbish bins.
I dislike celebrities, lousy peace loving hippies.
I dislike damn communists.
I dislike people who make fun of pointy mustaches.
I dislike people who point out mistakes.
I dislike music written after the 1996.
I dislike ketchup on eggs.
Abhor:
I like war.
I like long walks on the beach, listening to music by the fire side, and drinking heavily.
I like blue Jolly Ranchers, they are so delicious.
I like my cat, he is a soft kitty that meows when he wants food.
I like skittles, especially the tropical ones. I feel as if I am sitting in the Caribbean when I eat those delicious little ones.
I like people who have pleasant faces and clean fingernails.
I like cheeses, puddings, and other home cooked foods.
I like mind-expanding psychedelic pharmaceuticals.
I like nuclear weapons they make war so easy: Point and click.
I like burritos, except when they explode in the microwave.
A Survivor's Guide to All Hallows Eve.
Ah hallo chaps! Chadwick Wizilbotum here again. I was recently in the old country for a few weeks and realized it was that time of year. The best time of year in my humble opinion, a time when life turns to death, light fades and darkness prevails. Reminds me of the seventies but with less communists and more Satanists. Damn Commies. Halloween, no matter what your local New World Order controlled authorities say it is the most dangerous night of the year. Human sacrifice cults, evil monsters, rowdy teenagers, and communists all make this one night of year very deadly. So this here my dear friends is a guide to safe guard you all, no matter what hazard you may run into!
Meddling Kids: No matter what your status is in your community it only takes a few meddling kids with three cartons of eggs and nine rolls of toilet paper to turn your house to complete ruin. I have tried to recommend several measures to the city hall insure this will never happen to me again, however I have found only personal action can stop this from happening. Simply invite the said teenagers into your home, give them some beer laced with Rohypnol. Next you take them into the interrogation chamber and employ the ancient and painful slow torture of the Papa New Guinea pygmy tribes. It leaves no marks so nobody will believe them when they leave. All you need is a package of frozen peas (beans and corn work too) an elastic band and a gallon of hot water. This will ensure that those wretched meddling kids never set foot towards your humble home again. If you don't have any of these materials or don't believe in torture then you can just buy a hacksaw and go to town on them. If all else fails then take the easy way out and scary decorations around your yard, leave the lights on and put a scary carved orange vegetable on your doorstep. That should keep the meddling kids away. Damn meddling kids!
Scary Movies: Going out is dangerous. I have gone over this many times. During this night of nightmares, doubly so. So make sure to be dressed up in a scary outfit so nobody recognizes you as a target. Who is targeting you is part of the mystery of Halloween, mysterious like how those honor role kids get so instantly dumb into those slash flicks. The best way to think of it like an acting class; good acting means you live, bad acting means you die by the hands of chainsaw wielding maniacs or a press gang. Damn media. Either is bad. Even talking to people is dangerous. So if forced into conversation use your best Vincent Price or Elvira impression. Its like the old code talk we used back in '78 when we were in Ireland, except we thought we were in the USSR! So the seven weeks of dialect training really backfired when we tried to infiltrate the IRA. Never shot so many shells in so few minutes. Well, Except for that time when I had drank half a quart of bourbon and tried to show the boys the proper use of an H&K 7.62mm Artillery Cannon. Think of Halloween as a sort of paranoia day, trust nobody, act strangely, and if the experience becomes too soul numbingly intense then simply take some Memo-X and go to bed. Fail to do this? Expect to not make it through the night.
Music of the Night: Music is a prime source of safety. We learned that back in '95 when we had 'I will Survive' blaring during a midnight raid, twenty men held one hundred and thirty off until the song ended. Mind you were they were slaughtered after ward, but that was because of Stealer's Wheel 'Stuck in the Middle with you' started playing. Damn One Hit Wonders. Making sure you have Halloween themed music will prevent nocturnal attackers from seeing your home as a target, after all only real monsters would listen to techno remixes of 'Monster Mash' and 'Thriller' on loop. Just remember under no circumstances should you EVER play anything by 'Rage Against the Machine'. Not because it will make fish-hook wielding psychos slice your friends to pieces, because they are against the system and thus so, communists. Damn Commies. But choose some good music and the night will pass with out worry.
A new beat and some good acoustics, I could change the world.
Elder Gods: I spent nine months chasing after an authentic copy of the Necronomican to trade to a Cthulhu cult for one of our high ranking generals back. When we finally got the poor bastard back he was gibbering about rats inside of walls and all kinds of other rubbish. Had no choice to but to put him down. We learned an important lesson that day, never trade high ranking officers for forbidden texts of archaic knowledge. Ever. So make sure you do this doubly so on Halloween, for every person you don't trust make sure you don't trust them twice! Just to be sure! As for things that go bump in the night I will now officially make my statement. Nothing outside the ordinary happens on Halloween, so don't keep any recording devices around in case your mind plays a trick on you. Another thing, under no circumstances should you have sexual intercourse on Halloween, the child that results from this WILL be the anti-Christ.
Well that is all you need to know about surviving Halloween. Stay heavily armed, stay loaded, and don't fall asleep or you won't wake up. I think of Halloween as a merry little war that happens every year, for one night. Sort of like that mess down in the Falkland islands. Except no penguins. I hate penguins. Damn Penguins. So remember chaps! Nothing can ever steal the spirit of Halloween, except for the Grinch. Greedy green damn bastard.
Now go be a hero!
A Survivor's Guide to Travel
Chadwick Wizilbotum
Hallo Chaps! Your comrade in arms here! Chadwick Wizilbotum. I was told to write something about traveling. Now I have been to every single country in the world because of some conflict of another. Now most of you will not have this opportunity. Unless you are fighting communism, which appears everywhere that the red menace can spread its dissenting taint. Damn commies. Regardless, I have picked up some ways to keep yourself in one piece when traveling abroad. I have thinned out the less handy tips like when leaving an embassy being overrun by the locals have a photographer on the ground to take an 'memorable' photograph of your retreat. Damn pictures. Anyways, here you are my dear chaps! All my finest!
Trust No One: This very simple credo can save yourself much grief. Don't leave your bags unattended, especially when they are packed with the head of a drug czar from Cambodia. Things can get ugly very quickly. So never ever rely on help from strangers, unless they are at gun point. Then you can go on some of what they say. The only time you can ever completely trust someone is after depriving them of sleep for a week. They will do ANYTHING to get sleep, even hand over the rocket plans.
Plan X-L-B: Have lots of back up plans, should things go bad. And they do, more often than not a week on leave to northern Ireland will turn into a bloodbath of intrigue. Make sure you have outside help, reinforcements are nice. Especially Swiss ones that hire out and are capable of using heavy artillery. Don't believe what the locals say about certain places, chances are, they are trying to kill you. Be sure to have a 'Houdini plan' incase you run out of funds and need to get away from angry tab waving bar owners.
Ready & Reliability: The AK-47 is the only thing that communism brought to this world that is not evil. The AK-47 is more durable than some soldiers. It can be trusted when your fancy gadgetry is broken or 'crashed' and while myself I rely on my trusty snipers rifle when things get dicey I have been saved many times by this wonderful invention. If your not sure about a certain travel agency do not go with them. You could well wake up inside of a shipping crate full of rats in Somalia. Damn rats.
Get Ahead: Plan your trip, make sure you know how you will get from A-B. Having a map with an X drawn on it only leads to trouble. Like back in '89 we had to go from some bombed out bunker in Siberia to a informant in Moscow in a 72 hours to save the free world. After a lot of improvising and some interpretive dance on the slow train out of Siberia we made it. A very serious mission yes, but still some planning and we would have been able to have known there was a plane landing at out drop off zone two hours after we left. Don't end up like we were, kissing each other in front of guards to avoid being shot. Plan ahead to get ahead.
Don't Burn: Literally or metaphorically this is good advice. Setting fire to the locals will bring unwanted harassment from their relatives, even if it was their fault to get in front of a flamethrower. Not tipping will get you a bad case of food poisoning. If something seems fishy then don't go with it, nothing is worse than that quality time we so often get to spend thinking about the which error it was that had gotten us tied to a wooden chair in a basement in Mexico city with a car battery attached to our hands. Remember the rules of Las Vegas. Tip big, don't burn the locals and everything should be fine.
One day: Don't do this, one day never comes. Go enjoy and see the world. Paris is a sight if your not too busy looking out for Turkish assassins. So do it! Take the plunge. Spend some money and see some of the world outside of that little fish bowl world those damn dirty commies want you to live in! Damn dirty commies.
Well that is all chaps! Jolly good! If this guide prevents just one of you, my beloved pupils from being dumped over the side of a ship into shark infested waters. Then all this typing has been worth it. As for me it is off to exotic Madagascar to retrieve a briefcase from some psychotic New World Order bastard. Damn New World Order. So keep safe, stay strong and remember that the new world order has sleepers everywhere, you cannot be sure who is really on your side until the moment of truth. Either that or I am paranoid. Boulderdash! Regardless, I only have a few hours left at home before I depart so take care keep safe and don't be afraid of anything.
Now go be a hero!
I like this and dislike that
Chadwick Wizilbotum
Hey there chaps! Chadwick here. After a few weeks in counseling, I had been told by my chaplain that I cannot continue to hate almost everything except war. 1 have taken it to heart and he suggested a ridiculous exercise involving list making. Damn chaplain. Something about instead of using strong words like 'love' or 'hate' I use words like dislike and like. After being abroad in Iraq hunkered inside of a bunker listening to the constant gunfire outside I realized something, I really do not enjoy the smell of gunpowder in the morning. I didn't hate the smell of gun powder, I just preferred other smells, like Napalm. Delicious napalm. Which I do adore, the smell of napalm is kind of like petroleum. It struck me to write a list of things that I like and things that I dislike. So I started too it! Here you are chaps! The finished product is here, for you. Things I adore and things abhor.
Adore:
I dislike communists.
I dislike the taste of failure.
I dislike large dogs that make noise when I am trying to sleep.
I dislike overcooked food.
I dislike children, if I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet I can boots on my cat.
I dislike the UN, they are bunch of New World Order pawns if you ask me.
I dislike ugly looking babies, and if your baby is ugly then don't ask others if it is beautiful. It forces people to lie to you.
I dislike people who talk about things they do not know about or those who make uneducated claims expecting others too care.
I dislike smelly things like old socks, smoldering rubber and rubbish bins.
I dislike celebrities, lousy peace loving hippies.
I dislike damn communists.
I dislike people who make fun of pointy mustaches.
I dislike people who point out mistakes.
I dislike music written after the 1996.
I dislike ketchup on eggs.
Abhor:
I like war.
I like long walks on the beach, listening to music by the fire side, and drinking heavily.
I like blue Jolly Ranchers, they are so delicious.
I like my cat, he is a soft kitty that meows when he wants food.
I like skittles, especially the tropical ones. I feel as if I am sitting in the Caribbean when I eat those delicious little ones.
I like people who have pleasant faces and clean fingernails.
I like cheeses, puddings, and other home cooked foods.
I like mind-expanding psychedelic pharmaceuticals.
I like nuclear weapons they make war so easy: Point and click.
I like burritos, except when they explode in the microwave.