I remember the Chao Te Ching, but did we ever start compiling a series of Koans?
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Quote from: I_Kicked_Kennedy on June 02, 2013, 02:10:47 AM
I remember the Chao Te Ching, but did we ever start compiling a series of Koans?
Search is not helping.
Not that I've noticed, but that would be a great idea. I rock at koans.
v=1/3πr2h
^
What's really sad is that I was "smart" enough to recognize the formula, but took WAY too long to get the gag. "Why did she put the volume formula for a cone? Must be an inside joke I've missed..."
I don't do so well without nicotine.
In any event, I'll start touching up a few koans and see if they're any good. Actually, they're pretty much done, I just have a rare 45 minutes in an empty house, so I'm gonna beat my dick like it owes me money. Be back in a bit.
Quote from: I_Kicked_Kennedy on June 02, 2013, 03:18:55 AM
^
What's really sad is that I was "smart" enough to recognize the formula, but took WAY too long to get the gag. "Why did she put the volume formula for a cone? Must be an inside joke I've missed..."
I don't do so well without nicotine.
In any event, I'll start touching up a few koans and see if they're any good. Actually, they're pretty much done, I just have a rare 45 minutes in an empty house, so I'm gonna beat my dick like it owes me money. Be back in a bit.
:lol:
Totally understandable. Also I look forward to seeing your koans, and feel that I should write more, myself.
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 02, 2013, 02:51:15 AM
v=1/3πr2h
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/math/2/5/0/250b708a9b5af25521495aa6cac59d17.png)
When I learned this in class, I thought of you.
Quote from: six to the quixotic on June 02, 2013, 05:39:00 AM
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 02, 2013, 02:51:15 AM
v=1/3πr2h
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/math/2/5/0/250b708a9b5af25521495aa6cac59d17.png)
When I learned this in class, I thought of you.
OH SHIT
I don't even know what that means, I haven't taken that class yet. :)
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 02, 2013, 04:40:23 PM
Quote from: six to the quixotic on June 02, 2013, 05:39:00 AM
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 02, 2013, 02:51:15 AM
v=1/3πr2h
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/math/2/5/0/250b708a9b5af25521495aa6cac59d17.png)
When I learned this in class, I thought of you.
OH SHIT
I don't even know what that means, I haven't taken that class yet. :)
It's using calculus to find the volume of a cone.
A soldier came to the master Barbatus the Elder and asked: "Master, tell me: is there really a heaven and a hell?"
"Who are you?" asked Barbatus.
"I am a soldier of the great Private Equity CEO's personal guard."
"Nonsense!" said Barbatus. "What kind of CEO would have you around him? To me you look like a beggar!" At this, the soldier grabbed Barbatus by the collar, to which the master replied, "Oh hai. This your idea of foreplay, ya big sissy?"
At this the soldier could not hold himself back. He drew his pistol and threatened the master, who said: "Now you know half the answer! You are opening the gates of hell!"
"Damn right," said the soldier, and then he promptly put two bullets in Barbatus's head, calmly placed the gun in the deceased master's palm, and called his supervisor to wire $50k to the local coroner's office.
Quote from: six to the quixotic on June 02, 2013, 05:07:36 PM
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 02, 2013, 04:40:23 PM
Quote from: six to the quixotic on June 02, 2013, 05:39:00 AM
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 02, 2013, 02:51:15 AM
v=1/3πr2h
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/math/2/5/0/250b708a9b5af25521495aa6cac59d17.png)
When I learned this in class, I thought of you.
OH SHIT
I don't even know what that means, I haven't taken that class yet. :)
It's using calculus to find the volume of a cone.
I figured it was cone-related, because of πr^2/h^2 etc.
I haven't taken calculus yet... I may never take it, actually. Unfortunately.
Quote from: I_Kicked_Kennedy on June 02, 2013, 05:24:45 PM
A soldier came to the master Barbatus the Elder and asked: "Master, tell me: is there really a heaven and a hell?"
"Who are you?" asked Barbatus.
"I am a soldier of the great Private Equity CEO's personal guard."
"Nonsense!" said Barbatus. "What kind of CEO would have you around him? To me you look like a beggar!" At this, the soldier grabbed Barbatus by the collar, to which the master replied, "Oh hai. This your idea of foreplay, ya big sissy?"
At this the soldier could not hold himself back. He drew his pistol and threatened the master, who said: "Now you know half the answer! You are opening the gates of hell!"
"Damn right," said the soldier, and then he promptly put two bullets in Barbatus's head, calmly placed the gun in the deceased master's palm, and called his supervisor to wire $50k to the local coroner's office.
I am uncertain of the point of this koan. Is there one?
Under the red hot moon of Phoenix, Illinois, Gilby the Surfboard Supplier was the featured speaker at a PD meetup. From the aft of the room, a voice proffered:
"Though I work as a maths teacher at a prestigious private school in Maryland, I intend to cut my hair into the style commonly referred to as 'Mohawk.'"
The voice was Vinansayanabindarayanan of East Sayeeeed Bitchez. Gilby looked upon the man and calmly informed him: "There was a time when the starlets of pornography would shave their features in a similar fashion, commonly referred to as a Landing Strip. Still, in certain anarchist circles, the hair cut is referred to as the 'Portland Crewcut', and in Portland, they call it the 'Anarchomullet.'"
And in that moment, Vinansayanabindarayanan decided to part his hair to the left and use less conditioner.
Oh. Pinealism.
Never mind.
The teachings of Master Wu # 1
"Master Wu, tell me a story!"
The little boy tugged on Master Wu's terrycloth bathrobe.
Master Wu again wondered why he let this brat into his house, then sat down and complied.
He took a long pull off his coffee and began.
"Once, there was a student of Discordia living in The City.
The student worked very hard, yet owned very little. It is in the Way of The City that the harder the job, the less the pay, and the bastards who do very little make the most."
"But this student had a very fine car, what the people of The CIty would call a "ricer.'
It was very fast, and very shiny, having that custom paint style known as 'metalflake.'
Alas, it was so fast and so shiny, indeed his car was so fine, that it was a temptation to car thieves.
His car was stolen not once, not twice, but three times, no matter what security measures he tried.
The student became angry and said 'why can't I have one nice thing? I work my ass off to have a nice car, and verily, these ruffians must steal it.' "
"So he sat in his room all night and prayed to the Blessed Goddess, and asked Her what to do. After hours of chanting Her Holy name, She appeared to him as a vision of loveliness, floating in lotus position upon a giant halved onion. It was the Goddess Discordia who instructed him on what to do."
"The student studied some arcane texts he found at the used book store and the Army Surplus. He purchased some devices and did as the Goddess instructed."
So in a few months, the student was hard at work at his warehouse, when one of the other employees came to him and said " ' Lo! It appears your car is no longer parked in the lot, and we noticed some window glass on the pavement.' "
The student made haste to the parking lot, where it was as the co-worker said.
The student grinned blissfully.
He pulled a small device out of his pocket. He extended an antenna. He opened the cover of the single button, and pushed the button."
Six miles away, the car exploded, killing the drug addict who was trying to take out the stereo of the student's car."
Master Wu sipped his coffee, indicating the story was done.
"Wow, Master Wu, that's quite a story!" Said the boy.
Master Wu replied "And what is the lesson of this story?"
...The boy thought a minute, then said:
"Don't make someone who's meaner than yourself angry?"
"Yes, that's right," Said Master Wu. "But carry that further."
The boy thought a little more, then said "You don't know who's meaner than you?"
"That as well." said Master Wu.
Master Wu sipped his coffee again, then said,"Perhaps it is best said like this: One knows not what a follower of the Goddess is capable of."
"Speaking of which, give me my smokes back or I will make your anus grow shut with the power of my mind."
The boy looked at Master Wu with eyes suddenly round and terrified.
He wordlessly handed the Master back his box of Menthols.
"Thank you," the Master said serenely.
That is not a bad koan, at all! :)
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 06, 2013, 04:47:20 AM
That is not a bad koan, at all! :)
Thanks, I'll try to pop out another over the weekend.
[requia]
Koans do not have morals, nor are easily understood.
[/requia]
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 06, 2013, 06:32:46 PM
[requia]
Koans do not have morals, nor are easily understood.
[/requia]
[nigel]
I didn't say "moral", I said "point".
[/nigel]
Koans typically contain intelligent paradox and aren't just a bunch of words jammed together. They're usually intriguing in a way that leads the reader to ponder them, hence their usefulness for meditation.
In my mind, the heart of a good koan is the kernel, the tension point around which the koan revolves. If there is no kernel, there is no koan.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on June 06, 2013, 06:32:46 PM
[requia]
Koans do not have morals, nor are easily understood.
[/requia]
So, more cryptic then.
The teachings of Master Wu #2
"Master Wu!" said the little boy, " My dad says you're nothing but a crazy old man!"
Master Wu raised his eyebrows. "Oh?"
"Remember that all things are true in some sense, false in some sense, and meaningless in some sense?"
The little boy nodded. "Of course, Master."
"Well," said Master Wu, setting back in his trash-picked recliner,"In some sense it is true that I am old, and that I live here in my subsidized efficiency apartment, getting a disability check every month from the government."
"But crazy?" said Master Wu gently.
The boy settled down on the thriftstore couch, as he sensed a Teaching was about to be given.
Master Wu sipped his coffee, and spoke.
"Let us consider your father," Master Wu said.
"He has a fine house, a beautiful new car every other year, rental properties, a vacation home in Florida, right?" The little boy nodded.
"Your father works many, many hours keeping his rental properties in order, and working full time to pay for the lovely house and the car, yes?"
"Yes, my father has to work very hard to keep up on the bills." the little boy replied.
"Your father often seems very tired."
"Well, yes, he has to work all the time, of course he is tired." the boy replied.
"I see," said Master Wu.
"He owns all those things. All those things own him."
The little boy looked very puzzled.
"You see," said Master Wu, "I own myself."
Young Lanis sought out the great sage Diogenes so that he might become more wise.
Finding the sage sunning by the river Lanis asked: "How can I achieve enlightenment?"
Diogenes pondered this for a few moments and drifted off back to sleep.
Young Lanis still patient for the master's words waited a few minutes and then woke the sage.
"Please master I must know. How can I achieve enlightenment and become as wise as you?"
Diogenes, still feeling a bit tired yawned and went back to sleep without saying another word.
Young Lanis became distressed and awoke the sage after a few more minutes with gentle shake saying in a voice that was only modrately whiny,
"Master I beg of you, share your knowledge with a humble young man such as my self. What can I do to gain your wisdom?"
Without opening his eyes Diogenes said in a serious tone "lay your mother, kill your father, then castrate yourself." He then promptly rolled over away from Lanis and went back to sleep.
Young Lanis becoming hostile as is expected of many of his age and practically fuming shook Diogenes awake one more time, stood over him, and roared,
"Why must you treat me this way you old dog. You refuse to answer my questions and instead treat me with utmost disrespect. Go rot in a hole you worthless sack of crap! Who needs your foolish wisdom anyway!"
Diogenes opened one eye and a smirk came quickly to his lips as he said, "That's the rub. Now get the hell out of my sun."
Golden Rod approached the monk Nopants.
"Master Nopants, what can I learn by observing Primal Chaos?"
The master held up a pen. "Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, it's a pen."
The master said. "I use it to scratch my balls."
Quote from: Cramulus on July 17, 2013, 05:05:13 PM
Golden Rod approached the monk Nopants.
"Master Nopants, what can I learn by observing Primal Chaos?"
The master held up a pen. "Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, it's a pen."
The master said. "I use it to scratch my balls."
That's actually fucking hilarious and quite deep.
5/5, would Koan again.
Quote from: Cramulus on July 17, 2013, 05:05:13 PM
Golden Rod approached the monk Nopants.
"Master Nopants, what can I learn by observing Primal Chaos?"
The master held up a pen. "Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, it's a pen."
The master said. "I use it to scratch my balls."
:lulz:
"There once was a man who said though,
It seems that I know that I know,
What I'd like to see,
Is the I that knows me,
When I know that I know that I know."
---Alan Watts
"To be enlightened, one must hold no attachments.", said quite proudly one student to a newcomer.
"Isn't the desire of enlightment an attachment?", asked the master absentmindedly, as he walked nearby.
An awkward silence echoed through the classroom.
Less and less people came to the classroom. At the end, there were only 2.
"If it keeps going like that, the dojo is going to close, master!", said one.
"Huh. I thought you were the master.", said the other.
Both of them starred at each other, trying to see if that was just a test, or the truth.
3 months later, word on the street was that a new dojo had opened, and it had 2 masters.
"When I will become a master?", asked the student.
The master then held a rock with one of his hands, and showed it to his student.
"When you get this rock from my hands, you will be a master.", said he. And then threw the rock through the window. The rock landed in the back of a speeding truck, and was carried away.
The student stared at the master, and the master smiled.
"Well?", said the master.
Quote from: Don Flouncote on June 02, 2013, 05:39:00 AM
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on June 02, 2013, 02:51:15 AM
v=1/3πr2h
(https://upload.wikimedia.org/math/2/5/0/250b708a9b5af25521495aa6cac59d17.png)
When I learned this in class, I thought of you. Whitch class?/?
Quote from: Mistre on December 06, 2013, 05:16:56 AM
"When I will become a master?", asked the student.
The master then held a rock with one of his hands, and showed it to his student.
"When you get this rock from my hands, you will be a master.", said he. And then threw the rock through the window. The rock landed in the back of a speeding truck, and was carried away.
The student stared at the master, and the master smiled.
"Well?", said the master. Not really did not do well in Int
Quote from: Radagast's Red Velvet Pancake Puppies on July 17, 2013, 07:46:39 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on July 17, 2013, 05:05:13 PM
Golden Rod approached the monk Nopants.
"Master Nopants, what can I learn by observing Primal Chaos?"
The master held up a pen. "Do you know what this is?"
"Yes, it's a pen."
The master said. "I use it to scratch my balls."
:lulz: i think it was a trick Question
My guess is the "PEN" was actually an audio recorder {Looked Like PeN