Topics

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JOE REPUBLICAN
   
Joe gets up at 6 AM and fills his coffee pot with water to prepare
his morning coffee. The water is clean and good because some
tree-hugging liberal fought for minimum water-quality standards. With his first swallow of coffee, he takes his daily medication. His medications
are safe to take because some stupid commie liberal fought to insure
their safety and that they work as advertised.
   
All but $10 of his medications are paid for by his employer's
medical plan because some liberal union workers fought their employers for paid medical insurance -- now Joe gets it too.
   
He prepares his morning breakfast, bacon and eggs. Joe's bacon is
safe to eat because some girly-man liberal fought for laws to regulate
the meat packing industry.
   
In the morning shower, Joe reaches for his shampoo. The bottle is
properly labeled with each ingredient and its amount in the total
contents because some crybaby liberal fought for his right to know
what he was putting on his body and how much it contained.
   
Joe dresses, walks outside and takes a deep breath. The air he
breathes is clean because some environmentalist wacko liberal fought for
laws to stop industries from polluting the air.
   
He walks to the subway station for his government subsidized ride
to work. It saves him considerable money in parking and
transportation fees because some fancy pants liberal fought for affordable public transportation, which gives everyone the opportunity to be a
contributor.
   
Joe begins his work day. He has a good job with excellent pay,
medical benefits, retirement, paid holidays and vacation because some lazy liberal union members fought and died for these working standards.
   
Joe's employer pays the same standards because Joe's employer
doesn't want his employees to call the union. If Joe is hurt on the job or
becomes unemployed, he'll get a workers' compensation or
unemployment check because some stupid liberal didn't think he should lose his home because of his temporary misfortune.
   
Its noontime and Joe needs to make a bank deposit so he can pay
some bills. Joe's deposit is federally insured by the FSLIC because
some godless liberal wanted to protect Joe's money from unscrupulous
conservative bankers who ruined the banking system before the
Great Depression.
   
Joe has to pay his Fannie Mae-underwritten mortgage and his
below-market federal student loan because some elitist liberal
decided that Joe and the government would be better off if he was educated and earned more money over his lifetime.
   
Joe is home from work. He plans to visit his father this evening
at his farm home in the country. He gets into his car for the drive. His
car is among the safest in the world because some America-hating
liberal fought for car safety standards. He arrives at his boyhood home.
   
His was the third generation to live in the house financed by
Farmer's Home Administration because bankers didn't want to make rural
loans. The house didn't have electricity until some big-government
liberal stuck his nose where it didn't belong and demanded rural electrification. He is happy to see his father, who is now retired.
   
His father lives on Social Security and a union pension because
some wine-drinking, cheese-eating liberal made sure he could take care
of himself so Joe wouldn't have to.
   
Joe gets back into his car for the ride home, and turns on a radio
talk show. The radio host keeps saying that liberals are bad and
conservatives are good. He doesn't mention that the beloved
Republicans have fought against every protection and benefit Joe enjoys
throughout his day. Joe agrees: "We don't need those big-government liberals ruining our lives! After all I'm a self-made man who believes
everyone should take care of himself, just like I have."

Fuck the South! Fuck 'em. We should have let them go when they wanted to leave. But no, we had to kill half a million people so they'd stay part of our special Union. Fighting for the right to keep slaves - yeah, those are states we want to keep.

And now what do we get? We're the fucking Arrogant Northeast Liberal Elite? How about this for arrogant: the South is the Real America? The Authentic America. Really?

Cause we fucking founded this country, assholes. Those Founding Fathers you keep going on and on about? All that bullshit about what you think they meant by the Second Amendment giving you the right to keep your assault weapons in the glove compartment because you didn't bother to read the first half of the fucking sentence? Who do you think those wig-wearing lacy-shirt sporting revolutionaries were? They were fucking blue-staters, dickhead. Boston? Philadelphia? New York? Hello? Think there might be a reason all the fucking monuments are up here in our backyard?

No, No. Get the fuck out. We're not letting you visit the Liberty Bell and fucking Plymouth Rock anymore until you get over your real American selves and start respecting those other nine amendments. Who do you think those fucking stripes on the flag are for? Nine are for fucking blue states. And it would be 10 if those Vermonters had gotten their fucking Subarus together and broken off from New York a little earlier. Get it? We started this shit, so don't get all uppity about how real you are you Johnny-come-lately "Oooooh I've been a state for almost a hundred years" dickheads. Fuck off.

Arrogant? You wanna talk about us Northeasterners being fucking arrogant? What's more American than arrogance? Hmmm? Maybe horsies? I don't think so. Arrogance is the fucking cornerstone of what it means to be American. And I wouldn't be so fucking arrogant if I wasn't paying for your fucking bridges, bitch.

All those Federal taxes you love to hate? It all comes from us and goes to you, so shut up and enjoy your fucking Tennessee Valley Authority electricity and your fancy highways that we paid for. And the next time Florida gets hit by a hurricane you can come crying to us if you want to, but you're the ones who built on a fucking swamp. "Let the Spanish keep it, it,Äôs a shithole," we said, but you had to have your fucking orange juice.

The next dickwad who says, "It,Äôs your money, not the government's money" is gonna get their ass kicked. Nine of the ten states that get the most federal fucking dollars and pay the least... can you guess? Go on, guess. That,Äôs right, motherfucker, they're red states. And eight of the ten states that receive the least and pay the most? It,Äôs too easy, asshole, they,Äôre blue states. It,Äôs not your money, assholes, it,Äôs fucking our money. What was that Real American Value you were spouting a minute ago? Self reliance? Try this for self reliance: buy your own fucking stop signs, assholes.

Let,Äôs talk about those values for a fucking minute. You and your Southern values can bite my ass because the blue states got the values over you fucking Real Americans every day of the goddamn week. Which state do you think has the lowest divorce rate you marriage-hyping dickwads? Well? Can you guess? It,Äôs fucking Massachusetts, the fucking center of the gay marriage universe. Yes, that,Äôs right, the state you love to tie around the neck of anyone to the left of Strom Thurmond has the lowest divorce rate in the fucking nation. Think that,Äôs just some aberration? How about this: 9 of the 10 lowest divorce rates are fucking blue states, asshole, and most are in the Northeast, where our values suck so bad. And where are the highest divorce rates? Care to fucking guess? 10 of the top 10 are fucking red-ass we're-so-fucking-moral states. And while Nevada is the worst, the Bible Belt is doing its fucking part.

But two guys making out is going to fucking ruin marriage for you? Yeah? Seems like you're ruining it pretty well on your own, you little bastards. Oh, but that's ok because you go to church, right? I mean you do, right? Cause we fucking get to hear about it every goddamn year at election time. Yes, we're fascinated by how you get up every Sunday morning and sing, and then you're fucking towers of moral superiority. Yeah, that's a workable formula. Maybe us fucking Northerners don't talk about religion as much as you because we're not so busy sinning, hmmm? Ever think of that, you self-righteous assholes? No, you're too busy erecting giant stone tablets of the Ten Commandments in buildings paid for by the fucking Northeast Liberal Elite. And who has the highest murder rates in the nation? It ain't us up here in the North, assholes.

Well this gravy train is fucking over. Take your liberal-bashing, federal-tax-leaching, confederate-flag-waving, holier-than-thou, hypocritical bullshit and shove it up your ass.

And no, you can't have your fucking convention in New York next time. Fuck off.



[/url]