Topics

16

Apple Talk / ATTN: New People

« on: April 26, 2012, 02:46:56 pm »

Dear Friends^TM*,

It seems to me that there are a number of you who have found this little patch of turf in recent months, and I have been less than fully active at times, so I have missed many introductions. Some of you who post regularly I have become familiar with through observation, if not interaction, and some of you I have merely seen posting once or twice and have not gotten a feel for you yet.
 
This is certainly an issue that needs correcting. For this reason, I have devised an elaborate and unnecessary way of implementing mutual understanding and community.

You are to fill out the following form, long hand, and mail it to your local representative (if any of you do not live in a demoratic republic, feel free to mail it to whomever you feel best represents your interest):
Name:
Rank:
Serial No.:
Age at time of conception:
Current favorite pastime:
Preferred clothing style:
Cologne/Perfume Flavor (not scent):
Color of southernmost wall in your place of residence:
Name and number of pets in your neighborhood or district:

This will tell me everything I need to know about you, when I get around to shaking down politicians for their lunch money.

Alternatively, you could say hello and open yourself to questioning, but that's dumb. Don't do that.

Love and kisses,
Doktor D. Jennifer Phox

17

Horrorology / We Have Milk

« on: April 10, 2012, 10:44:50 pm »

Funny little thing I noticed when I was driving home last night.

The electronic marquee outside of Walgreen's said simply: "We Have Milk".

It was 12 or 1 am, and the stop lights were flashing yellow, and I saw that sign.

"We Have Milk" in large, red letters. Constant. No flashing or scrolling.

I began to wonder what that meant. Surely, they don't have the only milk in town. After all, Kroger, Walmart, and the local grocery store were literally right across the street. Have their customers been asking them to stock milk? Who knows?

Fuck, it doesn't matter, I had a couple of gallons back home in the fridge, what do I care about milk? I mean, I don't pay attention to the sign across the street that says Sirloin 13$/lbs. or whatever the hell it said. Something involving the price of some cut of meat, but that's all I know.

But then it hits me. That sign wouldn't be so odd if I didn't take having milk available for granted. So remember folks, we have milk.

18

Or Kill Me / Whistling in the Wind

« on: April 06, 2012, 10:10:14 pm »

clickity clickity clickity clickity clack. thump thump thump. clickity clickity clickity...

Listening to the sounds all around, i wonder what a library USED to sound like. Now you hear all sorts of noise. Typing, touchscreens, phones ringing, conversations....

What does the sound of a turning page even sound like? I'm sure I've never heard one in these hallowed halls. Too much noise... too much interference.

Maybe one of these days I need to come back around closing time, and head on up to the fifth floor.

Take down one of the big volumes and just... flip the pages.

19

Apple Talk / DEAR SOMEONE

« on: April 06, 2012, 08:36:47 pm »

You know who you are,

We have received word that you have taken the screws out of the door hinges again. We ask that you refrain doing this.

Your picture has been given to security, and you are to be escorted from the premise if spotted.

Please understand that while we find your behavior humorous, defecating into the bottled water is a violation of health codes, and the level of radioactivity in your stool has been deemed hazardous by the EPA.

Thank you for respecting our facility.

20

Apple Talk / The People in the Desert

« on: April 02, 2012, 09:26:49 pm »

Dear Doktor Howl,

When I first received your message, I did not initally know what to think. But upon reflection, and some investigation into the global network, I discovered the identities and purpose of all those people in your desert.

They are, in fact, the dregs of a scientific experiment that went horribly awry. The hypothesis was simple enough, when deprived of oxygen, the brain will shut itself down automatically. This seems like a (pardon the pun) no-brainer, but hey, if you can fleece the government out of a few mil just to fuck around and show what we already know.

Then one of the jackass technicians decided to fuck with the settings, and rather than a complete lack of oxygen, the brain only received intermittent bursts of oxygen, reducing its functionality to minimal levels, but not completely shutting down. The reults were, as you can surely guess, rather unpleasant.

Now, this was back in the 1940s. Why are they still there, then? Well, the short answer is the unintended consequence of this experiment resulted in the permanent adaption in brain physiology, which they have since passed on to their offspring. The government and the men responsible for this knew that if these people were allowed to be reintegrated into society, there would dire consequence, which might even threaten the species as a whole.

So to prevent this from happening, they decided the only course of action left to them was to ship these people to a remote and uncivilized locale. Appalachia was already full of a different sort of freak, and they decided that mixing the genetic mutations had a high likelihood of resulting in the sort of Superfreak that the eminent scientist Rick James warned us about, and decided it was best to avoid that, if at all possible. So, the next logical step was of course, to drop them in the desert with the Mormons, hoping the two would fight it out, but alas, it would appear that the two have yet to engage in any sort of mutual annihilation, and I wonder if they have not formed a secret alliance against the rest of us.

Anyway, it would appear that, though the process has been started, the use of force against them has not been green-lighted on a universal level, and it seems that there is little that you can do to fix this. However, psychological warfare has proven effective against them in the past, and has yet to be outlawed, if you wish to pursue a means of deterrence.

Love and kisses,
Doktor D. Jennifer Phox

21

Or Kill Me / A Drop In The Bucket

« on: February 23, 2012, 01:16:53 am »

Thinking about all the time that goes by with nothing to do, it must seem like the sudden burst of busy work is nothing but a drop in the bucket, right?

Well, sure. Of course it is. But it's 500 million gallon bucket, and I gotta tell you, a drop is relative.

Time is funny like that, yeah? Here I was thinking that nothing could go wrong, and I'd have all the time in the world to think, and write, and play. And then I remembered the turkey in the oven. Oh, and the laundry needs to be done. And hey, remember that college thing I was working on?

Boy, time does have a way of slipping through the cracks.

HA. I almost just hit select all delete. What a dick move that would be.

22

Apple Talk / Take A Penny, Leave A Penny

« on: February 09, 2012, 10:20:26 pm »

While doing research on Lucretius, the thought occurred to me that the Epicurean (or specifically Lucretian) rejection of the Platonic/Aristotelian teleological arguments and the atomist's mechanical explanation seems to be fairly close to Hobbes' rejection of the religious dogma in the wake of the Scientific Revolution and his desire for an empirical, mechanical explanation of phenomena. Of course, my own bias towards observable data and scientific rationality might explain why I identify so strongly with these two authors.

Penny for your thoughts?

23

Or Kill Me / Nowhere To Go

« on: February 07, 2012, 09:17:04 pm »

Sometimes it's difficult for me to sort through all my thoughts. Especially when my head is currently being filled with de Beauvoir, Sartre, Hegel, Lucretius, Cicero, and Hobbes, among others.

It's difficult to have an original thought in the midst of the competing ideologies. Or at least that's what I keep telling myself, when I sit and stare at the blank page sitting here in front of me.

When did thinking come with an off switch? And then it struck me. It's not that I don't have thoughts. I have a million thoughts. For instance, Sartre is a bit too stuck in his ideas to observe the practical, at times. Hobbes was one of the original advocates for TYF,S, and I think he needs to get his due. Cicero's reasoning for why literature and poetry are important is very, very different from what a modern audience would expect, and it's only a short leap to see why.

But none of those thoughts are FINISHED. How can you write, or talk, or even articulate a half formulated thought? More importantly, will people ridicule me for it? Simple, and undoubtedly. But hey, thinking is hard, and writing is even harder. If I don't have the time to do either, then why am I here? That's the question.

Nowhere to go.

My thoughts have nowhere to go, because my fingers won't let them out. Unlawfully detained thoughts don't do anybody any good, but a thought that, even half formed, is a seed, isn't it? How can it be ethical to deprive the garden of it? Hell, maybe you have one of those mustard seeds in your head. You never know.

24

Or Kill Me / The Finite Universe

« on: December 27, 2011, 07:37:24 pm »

The ever shrinking finite universe...

It's all well and good to think about what might possibly be out there, beyond the horizon. But I'm telling you kid, it's nothing. Asia, Europe, Australia... don't exist. Not for any practical purpose anyway. Nothing that goes on there affects here. Same thing with South and Central America. No way ay of that has any effect here. Mexico and Canada? Well, ya know, they are pretty close... but no. I don't eve know what the president of Canada is called, much less who he or she might be. Therefore, Canada has no effect.

And you know, it's all well and good to talk about California and New York and so on. But really, are the issues they are dealing at al pertinent here? I mean, what with the budget crisis,the issue with politicians, the quagmire that is Chicagoland, and all of that jazz... I really don't think so.

And then again, we've got problems here. Forget Chicago and Springfield. Live in the here and now, kid. That's my motto.

Hey kid, do me a favor slide that last brick right into this slot so I can go back to pretending that you don't exist either.

25

Or Kill Me / Train's A-Comin'

« on: December 27, 2011, 06:37:54 pm »

I hear a train a-comin'.

It's comin' round the bend...

Here's the funny part. I can't get off the tracks.

No, my foot isn't caught.

No, i'm not tied down. At least I don't think so. And seriously, what kind of Snidely Whiplash motherfucker ties a girl to the train tracks? In this day and age? Get real, dude...

I just can't get off the tracks. It's like I've got no motivation. Funny, huh? Hehe, I certainly think so.

I mean, I don't want to get hit by a train. It's pretty damn messy, for one thing. But... ya know, what? Maybe I do. The tracks are just so damn comfy, ya know? And hey, it ain't like I'll have to clean up afterwards, right? Hehehe.

What? Marks on my neck? Aww, those ain't nothin'. Just a spider bite or something. Not important at all. Hey, Keeping up with the Kardashians is on, why don't you go watch it? I'm just going to lay down on the tracks. Oh, you know what will be fun? DVR it for me, that way if I change my mind, I don't miss anything... Oh... nevermind. My train's here. Gotta go.

26

Or Kill Me / A New Day, Old Times

« on: December 19, 2011, 10:26:41 pm »

It's a brand new day, but it's always the same. Ever since, oh, I can't even remember when. day in, day out, Wake up, take a shower, go to class, get lunch, come home, do work, click around on the internet sleep. There's no room for rock 'n' roll. There never was. In this day and age, rock 'n' roll is dead, and I'm certainly not the one to save it.

But you know there are days.... days when I pick up my guitar and strum listlessly for a few minutes... and I start/i] to feel it again but.... but that's all just in my head. Nothing to be done about it, really. Everything is the same. The world is worse off than it was five years ago, but nothing's changed for me.

Sometimes I wish it would, but... that might take effort. And I mean, c'mon, my life isn't really that bad, is it? Nahhhh. I guess I'll just lament the death of rock 'n' roll and not do a damn thing about it.

Or fucking kill me. 

27

Apple Talk / ATTN: ALTY

« on: November 10, 2011, 12:02:56 am »

WE REGRET TO INFORM YOU THAT YOU HAVE BEEN TERMINATED. PLEASE RETURN YOUR VITAL ORGANS TO THE NEAREST LARGE PREDATOR YOU CAN FIND.

SINCERELY,
PHOX CORP.

28

Or Kill Me / The Meaning of Conservative

« on: September 14, 2011, 09:38:17 pm »

Awhile back, I was in a discussion with Death (if any of you remember her), and we were discussing liberal/conservative values.

The primary details elude me, but at some point, I stated that I supported independent city-states with populations below 20,000.

She responded with: "Well, that's conservative!"

And I said: "No, it really isn't."

You see, the word conservative has drifted a long way from meaning one who seeks to maintain the status quo.

I won't go into the political theory too much, but what Americans associate with "Conservatism" isn't what Edmund Burke would.

First, there's the "pro-lifers". What a misnomer that is. They are anti-abortion, on the surface. Okay, whatever. However, most of their reasoning is because their church tells them that abortion is wrong. Well, the Bible says that "When men have a fight and hurt a pregnant woman, so that she suffers a miscarriage, but no further injury, the guilty one shall be fined as much as the woman's husband demands of him" (Exodus 21:22). The passage continues "But if injury ensues, you shall give life for life, eye for eye, tooth for tooth, hand for hand, foot for foot, burn for burn, wound for wound, stripe for stripe" (Exodus 21:23-25). So... that suggests that  fetus is not, as they like to claim, regarded as a "full" person. These very same people are also fairly generally okay with the death penalty, against gun control,  and against government sponsored welfare and healthcare, especially things like WIC and other programs that aid women with children. "Pro-life", eh?

The "smaller government" crowd doesn't quite mean that either. What they mean, of course, is less taxes and welfare, unless they benefit from it. ("Keep the government out of my Medicare", anyone?) And of course, there's that tricky line in the Constitution, you know, the one about establishing the Constitution in order to do several important things including "promote the general Welfare"? Yeah, the Preamble, they call it. The one we had to memorize like 900 times in school? Yeah...

It seems that being a "conservative" in the U.S. in the 21st century means being either a religious nutjob, a sociopath, or an anti-Constitutionalist. Or all of the above.

29

Or Kill Me / For Your Sanity

« on: September 13, 2011, 02:47:19 am »

Dear children,

If you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all.

Why, your feeble, underdeveloped mind may ask? That's precisely why. You must not question. Questioning leads to disorder and insanity.
 
After all, you can't call yourself "well-adjusted" if you go around questioning things all the time.

You see, the facts of life are really far simpler than you may be led to believe:
1) Boys and girls are completely different, and mutually exclusive.
2) Jesus loves you. But he hates it when you sin¹.
3) Amurrica is the land of the FREE and the home of the BRAVE, the land of OPPORTUNITY².
4) You are a special, unique snowflake³.

This is all you ever need to know. After all, what kind of world would it be if people just walked around willynilly, saying whatever was on their mind, especially things that went against these cardinal truths? It would be horrible!

Stay safe, kids. Never have sex, keep your eyes on the prize, always do as you are told, and never say rude things. It will keep you alive longer, you know.

Love and kisses,
Doktor Phox

1 = As a general rule of thumb, everything you can possibly do is a sin. Don't sin.

2 = Unless you belong to a group which 'murrica finds distasteful at the time.

3 = This doesn't mean you can actually do anything to change your lot in life, but why should you do anything anyway? Aren't you entitled?

30

Apple Talk / ATTN: FANS OF LYRICAL ABORTIONS (Nigel, Freeky, et al)

« on: September 07, 2011, 01:43:16 am »

Remember this guy?


Well, have I got news for you. The man who brought you the brilliance that was "The Hunger" and the whimsical fantasy that was "Vampyre" has a MySpace page. His name is Joshua Michael, and his band is called Realm 1-11.

Did I mention he released a full length album?


You're welcome. 

((Apologies if you knew about this already. BUT SHAME ON YOU FOR NOT SHARING IF YOU DID! )