Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Bring and Brag => Topic started by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 23, 2010, 02:58:51 pm

Title: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 23, 2010, 02:58:51 pm
Okay, bit of backstory.  This smug bastard (and a really fucked up specimen, for reasons that I will not go into here) that works with Evil Roomie gives her a copy of his book, which she valiantly attempts to read.  Eventually, she gives up trying and lets me see it.

It's AMAZING.  It's the WORST THING EVER WRITTEN IN THE ENGLISH LANGUAGE.  There is a 10+ page excerpt, and I heartily encourage those with a sick sense of humor and no olfactory sense to try it.

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/delgotha-book-i-the-kings-of-war/4819573?productTrackingContext=center_search_results

Anyway, Nivek and I decided to review this book (login requires and email entry, but no confirm).

Here's mine:

Quote
I gave this book one star, because there are no negative values available.

The characters have unnecessarily complicated names that seem like the author hired epileptics and had them seize up at the keyboard, the dialog reads like it was written by terminal syphilis patients, and in general the whole book makes me want to dig up William Shakespeare and shit in his decomposed chest.

Seriously, this book is completely unreadable, and whatever plot line it has is lost amid the truly awful writing. I borrowed this book from a friend, and I still got robbed. I want my precious time back, alongside the brain cells that could have been more usefully slain with drugs.

This book ruined my life. As a life-long bibliophile, I am ruined on reading forever. This book killed James Brown and Johnny Cash, because they were too cool to exist in the same universe as this incredible pile of drek.

What kind of mental defect writes this sort of rubbish? Was he born wrong? This sort of absolute shit can only be explained by fetal alcohol syndrome or smashed chromosomes due to being born too close to the power plant.

If the author has other irons in the fire, I can only suggest that he remove the irons and insert his work. Do not give up your day job, even if you are stuck in a dead-end career as a 3rd assistant jizz-mopper.

The book has a blurb on the back by a gentleman by the name of Don Skiles, who is apparently a published author of some sort, which makes me wonder why he would pimp his good name out on the back of such an insult to the English language and all authors everywhere. Mr Skiles must have been drugged or paid in the souls of orphan children.

In closing, I can only compare this book to the first 15 minutes of the movie "Malos, Hands of Doom", and it makes me wish that I had been born without eyes, because so far as I have seen, there is no braille version of this incredible piece of offal.

Okay for now,
Dr Hamish Howl

And here's Nivek's:
Quote
I am insulted by this book's existence. Twenty syllable names cannot cover up bad writing. To say the dialogue is wooden is an insult to trees everywhere as is the paper wasted on this book. It's written like an adolescent RPG...
I would like to explain to the author that a blow-by-blow account of his Dungeons and Dragons game does not make good fiction.

I would agree with Dr. Howl, this book has ruined my life. I would use the pages to line the bottom of my cat box, but I'm afraid that it would make my already imbecilic cats dumber and render them sterile and blind for the rest of their lives.

This book is the literary equivalent of French experimental music.

To sum it up, this book made Sarah Palin's autobiography look like it was written by F. Scott Fitzgerald, who was arguably the best writer in the last 100 years. This book is a disservice to his memory and the memory of writers everywhere.

For God's sake, stop.

I encourage you all to try the sample, and when you stop howling with laughterbarf, post your review.  Keep in mind that not only is this guy a terrible writer, he's a terrible person.

I, personally, plan to find other horrible books to review.

Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on January 23, 2010, 03:06:39 pm
Mwahahaha! That will get his panties in a twist.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Cainad (dec.) on January 23, 2010, 03:47:02 pm
:spit:  War Unicorns! :lulz:

I feel slightly bad ragging on some bloke's effort at writing, but dayum...
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Payne on January 23, 2010, 03:56:13 pm
Quote
I shall NOT be buying this on the basis of the preview.

I was excited to see some fantasy fiction with dragons in it, because I have not seen it before, but this one was not good.

My English is not perfect, because I am not from Britain to begin with, but even I could see the mistakes being made. That was just the spelling and grammar.

Then the story was bad too. The description was dull, and it seems it was honest that way - not a writers preference for describing a dull scene. For the first five pages?! Bad move author man! And so I stopped reading.

Even though I wanted to see the spells the start of the book spoke about, I could not dig deep enough. (I have a thought now, perhaps he means 'spell' as in challenge of writing in English like a big boy, and not Mhadjiquekal Spell? If this is it, maybe he should go visit his 'Gramma' too)

I read instead the ingredients of the shampoo bottle. As many syllables and excitement, made much the same sense AND also makes my hair wondrous with no spell (or gramma)!

In the old country a man would be chased through the street by lepers and beaten by their sandals with disconnected feet still inside for being cheeky enough to charge money for this. Or made to fight in the army for having too much time with nothing better to do.

I do not see the other reviews, or it seems anyone else can see mine.

But here it is anyway.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on January 23, 2010, 03:58:54 pm
Quote
I shall NOT be buying this on the basis of the preview.

I was excited to see some fantasy fiction with dragons in it, because I have not seen it before, but this one was not good.

My English is not perfect, because I am not from Britain to begin with, but even I could see the mistakes being made. That was just the spelling and grammar.

Then the story was bad too. The description was dull, and it seems it was honest that way - not a writers preference for describing a dull scene. For the first five pages?! Bad move author man! And so I stopped reading.

Even though I wanted to see the spells the start of the book spoke about, I could not dig deep enough. (I have a thought now, perhaps he means 'spell' as in challenge of writing in English like a big boy, and not Mhadjiquekal Spell? If this is it, maybe he should go visit his 'Gramma' too)

I read instead the ingredients of the shampoo bottle. As many syllables and excitement, made much the same sense AND also makes my hair wondrous with no spell (or gramma)!

In the old country a man would be chased through the street by lepers and beaten by their sandals with disconnected feet still inside for being cheeky enough to charge money for this. Or made to fight in the army for having too much time with nothing better to do.

I do not see the other reviews, or it seems anyone else can see mine.

But here it is anyway.

 :lulz:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 23, 2010, 04:23:13 pm
:spit:  War Unicorns! :lulz:

I feel slightly bad ragging on some bloke's effort at writing, but dayum...

Don't.  This guy is a cunt.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Reginald Ret on January 23, 2010, 04:50:55 pm
mine:
Quote
I can write a review several pages long about this book, but my grandmother told me 'If you have nothing good to say then say nothing at all'.
So i will just say that the interpunction is flawless.
Delzer has clearly mastered the art of the dot.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Freeky on January 23, 2010, 07:19:28 pm
Quote
I thought I could read this. I was able to read those books about the sparkly vampires, after all. I made it through one paragraph, reading normally.


And then I threw my hands up in defeat. Congratulations, you roont literature for me.

I have to parctice being horrible to people, I'm not very good at it.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Eater of Clowns on January 23, 2010, 09:31:37 pm
As I'm sure some literary enthusiasts are aware, the act of reading can be akin to the act of worship.  Our altars are the evening easy chairs or quiet spots where we practice these rites.  We may lend our minds to each well crafted sentence, our souls to each developed character.  Or in the case of Delgotha, we may practice self flagellation.

Regular readers may be aware of our rating system, which ranks characterization, story, prose, and our miscellaneous category to be determined by the reviewer.  The length of the excerpt submitted limits how well one might see the ending, thereby potentially rendering this review useless:  I believe every character in the story to be the same character.  It is only by this explanation that two characters' either presume to know the other's side of the conversation, eliminating crucial communicative dialogue while speaking focused on trivialities.  Characterization - zero.

The story is a refreshing take on an old, sad tale.  That of the enormously overwhelmed army of good against the sadistic and disgusting army of evil.  With dragons.  Story - zero.

Many a literary giant has strode onto the writing scene with a horribly misunderstood style which would later be venerated as one to have changed the form forever.  It is with a certain amount of confidence that I might take the risk of declaring this simply not one of those instances.  Prose - zero.

My fourth and final score I shall call "Needlessly Complex Nomenclature."  It was determined by dividing the number of characters appearing in the book - 97 - by the average number of syllables per name - 8.08 - arriving at the NCN score of 12.  Calling the score arbitrary would be unfair.  The number came from a combination of genuine spite and disgust.

The average of the four scores brings Delgotha to a three out of five stars.  Three stars that, should there be any deity for our little religion of reading or any greater justice at all, will supernova and eliminate our author.  Unkindly.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Eater of Clowns on January 23, 2010, 09:59:13 pm
I felt like I should write in the idea I've been tossing around for a while - a humor blog that reviews reviews.  Everything is reviewed by everybody and it's frequently done poorly even in major media outlets.  Roger Ebert is basically the only film critic I respect because he rates movies how they're intended - a popcorn blockbuster can get the same rating as a serious Oscar contender because the former isn't trying to be a serious Oscar contender thereby making it as successful in its intention.  The blog would basically be aiming at needlessly pretentious reviewers who spend more time jerking off over their own language or asshats who assign political/religious meanings to everything.

Also, this guy's writing reminded me of The Elemenstor Saga and Song of the Sorcelator - Penny Arcade parodies on generic fantasy writing.

"A flash of lightning tore through the tumult, illuminating the grizzled Elemenstor and his ambulatory dresser." --Book 1, officially the first line of The Elemenstor Cycle
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: NotPublished on January 24, 2010, 12:33:15 am
Quote
This book was painful to read,
I am one set for strong first appearances - and this failed to deliver. I found the story to be too fluffy and the descriptive language is poorly written. For the sake of irony, I won't go further than that - because that's just what the book did.

While it may be a cute book for a 10 year old, I can not see anything remotely resembling success out of this, I attempted to read the character list and they were phonetically listed out - with good reason to, Delgotha is possibly (I refused to read further) the best name out of the sore bunch. The rest of this review is going to go by assumption now,  because I just can.

Based on the poor descriptive language (and the many short cuts) that come from this Author, I am close to certain that the characters will be as shallow as the description "His boots are silver...", "He was happy".

Reading that gives me a lack of fulfilment and killed my remaining sex drive as I bitterly wrote this review, a book needs Character Dynamics, Descriptive Language and a Well-thought out plan. Clearly one of the Dragons will be-friend the enemy and they'll share lemonade and tea. Also, I am sure it has been pointed out but a diverse range of names does not cover up a lack of story. Everyone reading it will have such a hard time pronouncing the names - and if they finally do manage it they will get the sense of accomplishment by doing just that. Tyrosagondra.

If I HAD to leave a rating, it would be rated R for retarded.

Here is my review, I haven't submitted it yet
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Freeky on January 24, 2010, 12:36:05 am
Rated R for retarded = excellence, NP.  :lulz:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Remington on January 24, 2010, 07:20:47 am
This book, it give me hope.

After all, if this guy can get such a horrible genre-rape piece of tripe published, then there's still hope left for getting my stuff published.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on January 24, 2010, 07:06:13 pm
I felt like I should write in the idea I've been tossing around for a while - a humor blog that reviews reviews.  Everything is reviewed by everybody and it's frequently done poorly even in major media outlets.  Roger Ebert is basically the only film critic I respect because he rates movies how they're intended - a popcorn blockbuster can get the same rating as a serious Oscar contender because the former isn't trying to be a serious Oscar contender thereby making it as successful in its intention.  The blog would basically be aiming at needlessly pretentious reviewers who spend more time jerking off over their own language or asshats who assign political/religious meanings to everything.

I like this idea. Can I steal it? I really want to write snarky reviews of VC's reviews of things I've never seen.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Cain on January 24, 2010, 08:12:28 pm
Havent you considered literary terrorism?

By which I mean you write thousands of praising reviews and steal phrases from literary theory textbooks to "prove" how amazing it really is?  Then you can sucker others into buying it and having their brains rotted.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Rococo Modem Basilisk on January 24, 2010, 08:15:48 pm
Havent you considered literary terrorism?

By which I mean you write thousands of praising reviews and steal phrases from literary theory textbooks to "prove" how amazing it really is?  Then you can sucker others into buying it and having their brains rotted.

I'm pretty sure that's the status quo for professional reviewers -- be overly pretentious in order to make shitty books look desirable.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Wizard on January 25, 2010, 01:34:03 am
Sweet mother of fuck.  :vom: I got through a page. I could write better than this when I was seven. God...
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Pariah on January 25, 2010, 02:07:47 am
One thing I noticed from that ten page excerpt is that, Darrin E. Delzer has such an uncanny ability to craft well rounded realistic characters such as "UNDEAD GOLDEN SKELETON CHAMPION SYQUART"
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Pariah on January 25, 2010, 02:21:03 am
Apparently he's a philosopher as well
"Inside there is a dragon in all of us, but not all dragons are good, and it shows through their actions and words. So be watchful and listen well. Knowing this will keep you from suffering much heartache"

That's some deep shit.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: President Television on January 25, 2010, 02:33:25 am
Oh, fuck. Where do I begin? Roger, I'm not surprised that the guy's a total cock-mongler. He writes like one.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 02:15:28 pm
This book, it give me hope.

After all, if this guy can get such a horrible genre-rape piece of tripe published, then there's still hope left for getting my stuff published.

Lulu.com is a self-publishing company.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on January 25, 2010, 03:12:44 pm
No publishing company would take that pile of dog shit. Doesn't surprise me that he had to self publish. 
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 03:20:04 pm
I strongly suggest that you now go all "Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt", and praise the hell out of it.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 03:23:11 pm
I strongly suggest that you now go all "Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt", and praise the hell out of it.

LINK ME, BABY
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 03:41:10 pm
I strongly suggest that you now go all "Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt", and praise the hell out of it.

LINK ME, BABY

http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Wolf-Short-Sleeve/dp/B002HJ377A


The comment section is simply amazing.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 04:58:26 pm
I strongly suggest that you now go all "Three Wolf Moon T-Shirt", and praise the hell out of it.

LINK ME, BABY

http://www.amazon.com/Mountain-Three-Wolf-Short-Sleeve/dp/B002HJ377A


The comment section is simply amazing.

WEBSENSE!   :argh!:

Will mock it when I get home.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 05:04:39 pm
Really?  Amazon?


Quote
This item has wolves on it which makes it intrinsically sweet and worth 5 stars by itself, but once I tried it on, that's when the magic happened. After checking to ensure that the shirt would properly cover my girth, I walked from my trailer to Wal-mart with the shirt on and was immediately approached by women. The women knew from the wolves on my shirt that I, like a wolf, am a mysterious loner who knows how to 'howl at the moon' from time to time (if you catch my drift!). The women that approached me wanted to know if I would be their boyfriend and/or give them money for something they called mehth. I told them no, because they didn't have enough teeth, and frankly a man with a wolf-shirt shouldn't settle for the first thing that comes to him.

I arrived at Wal-mart, mounted my courtesy-scooter (walking is such a drag!) sitting side saddle so that my wolves would show. While I was browsing tube socks, I could hear aroused asthmatic breathing behind me. I turned around to see a slightly sweaty dream in sweatpants and flip-flops standing there. She told me she liked the wolves on my shirt, I told her I wanted to howl at her moon. She offered me a swig from her mountain dew, and I drove my scooter, with her shuffling along side out the door and into the rest of our lives. Thank you wolf shirt.

Pros: Fits my girthy frame, has wolves on it, attracts women
Cons: Only 3 wolves (could probably use a few more on the 'guns'), cannot see wolves when sitting with arms crossed, wolves would have been better if they glowed in the dark.


Quote
Please keep this shirt out of reach of Chuck Norris. Combining the two would yield omnipotent universe destroying powers.


Quote
Dear Amazonian Browsers and Purchasers,

For all 37 years of my life, I have never made much of an impact to society or achieved any true goals in my life. Until now that is. From the moment I got my hands on this beautiful garment my life changed forever. I was your average Joe, the man who went to the office from 9-5, drank 3 cups of coffee a day, ordered a Pizza meal every Friday night while sitting home watching Grey's Anatomy and getting up every Saturday morning for my usual cooking classes (so I could cut back on those pizza meals, ya know?). Life as I'm sure you can imagine was just peachy. Just as I was sitting down to another weekly exhilarating episode of the Gilmore girls, with my Wendy's BBQ ribbed based snack (cutting back on the pizza) and a soda (diet), I was thinking how could this day get any better, and that's when the doorbell rang...

I didn't usually get many visits so I was quite startled to hear that intense ringing flowing through my ears. Compelled with excitement, I was almost overcome to put it on right away but i darn't, for fear of spilling delicious Wendy's triple baconator juice on my fabulous new piece of attire. I kindly asked the deliveryman to wait for a brief moment, I then entered the Kitchen, rinsed my hands, and then re-entered the hallway. But alas! To my misfortune, the deliveryman had escaped along with the immortal t-shirt. No one could resist the power of the T-shirt, not even this humble delivery man! (For you see in my brief absence, the brute of a delivery man evidentially had peered into the package and realized its glorious contents). How could this be? It was foretold to me, by reviewers that have stood before me, that I was destined to possess this relic. I could not stand down. Too long had I suffered the greed of humanity. But no longer was I willing to be the underdog. The chase.....was on!

I grabbed my raincoat and trusty pocket knife and was on my way. As I entered the outside World, it appeared that Chaos was all around me. This Sinister daemon of a Deliveryman, who ascended from the bowels hell, had taken my soul (even though I had not yet experienced the product, I still felt it to be an important part of my life). I entered my Smart car and drove off into the night! I searched around town for a while until I came across that familiar Fedex van encasing destiny itself. While putting my pedal to the metal, Mr. Fedex himself glared out of the van and sped up too. This part of the chase was epic in all proportions (But to summarize, 5 motor vehicles had been destroyed along with the deaths of 2 old ladies). As I was gaining on this dreadful foe, my car took a turn for the worst! At a sharp turn, I felt the vehicle lose complete control and so I had to escape. I dived out of the front seat.

As I tumbled to the ground, I could not help but feel extreme anger. Anger in which I had never felt before. Then I ran! I ran so fast that the deliveryman was in close reach. It was then that I realized..... I was the Wolf! Although not possessing it, my quest for the t-shirt was reason enough for my new amazing powers. I clawed open the Fedex Van's side door and caught hold of the package. And there I had it, the great t-shirt bearing the three wolves and a moon for the price of 1!

Now that I have the one t-shirt to rule them all, my life has changed for the better. Chicks notice me more, I get more respect from my co-workers and I get a discount from Wendy's! Life is sweet and it's all thanks to this fantastic three wolf, one moon t-shirt! All for the neat price of $10.98! What a bargain!


...and so on, for another 1000+ reviews.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 05:09:40 pm
 :lulz:

That's fucking amazing.

On a related note, my next letter to Harry Reid will be up tonight.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 25, 2010, 05:10:54 pm
This is one of them:
Quote
So I got this wolf shirt because of, you know, the sweet wolves on it.

However, having owned this shirt for three weeks now and having tried it out in a variety of situations, both formal and informal, I'm beginning to believe that some of the benefits ---- as described by other reviewers ---- are exaggerated. For example, not ONE supermodel has approached me. Some of you may be used to having supermodels approach you on a regular basis but, believe me, I am not: I would notice one should she appear in my vicinity.

Similarly, I have not been invited to a vision quest, even though I wore my wolf shirt in New Mexico.

There is one thing, though, and that is that whenever I wear the wolf shirt I have a lot less issues with involuntary urination. I have not studied it long enough, however, to establish a cause/effect relationship.

Once, however, while wearing the wolf shirt I was mistaken for Schneider, the building superintendent on "One Day at a Time."

So I guess the jury is still out.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 05:14:23 pm
re-jack.

I'd like to see more reviews of this guy's book.

A writer like that has to be brutally crushed NOW.  Yes, it's cruel, but society must be protected.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 25, 2010, 05:31:06 pm
Just remember that if there are 10 reviews and only 1 copy of the book has been sold, it may look weird to him.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 06:00:57 pm
Just remember that if there are 10 reviews and only 1 copy of the book has been sold, it may look weird to him.

1.  There's about 50 free copies floating around out there.

2.  The person who was given this book is okay with being found out.

3.  You can read the review for the horror, and say that's what happened if you like.

4.  CRUSH HIM.  The ghost of F Scott Fitzgerald commands you!
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 25, 2010, 06:21:20 pm
Just remember that if there are 10 reviews and only 1 copy of the book has been sold, it may look weird to him.

1.  There's about 50 free copies floating around out there.

2.  The person who was given this book is okay with being found out.

3.  You can read the review for the horror, and say that's what happened if you like.

4.  CRUSH HIM.  The ghost of F Scott Fitzgerald commands you!

Well if F Scott Fitzgerald commands it...
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Lies on January 25, 2010, 06:21:56 pm
"There are no reviews for this item"  :?
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 25, 2010, 06:26:08 pm
Wait...is that copyrighted artwork right in the beginning with lord so-and-so riding? REALLY??!?!?!
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 06:29:41 pm
"There are no reviews for this item"  :?

It's weird.  I can see mine and Nivek's, but not Paynes (and he can't see mine).

Still, crush him like a bug.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 25, 2010, 06:32:02 pm
I just posted:

Quote
By R L Beerstein
When I received a copy of this from a friend of a friend of a friend of a friend, I figured if someone was passing it down for that long, it must be good. Then I realized it was entirely the opposite. They were trying to get rid of it.

I tried to like it, I really did, but the center-aligned text and the use of copyrighted artwork inside of the book bothered me from the start. This is hardly the Epic of Gilgamesh and shouldn't be formatted to look poetic, it's really just a nightmare constructed by someone who's desire was to hastily write a book for a buck.

The story is unoriginal, and the writing style makes it difficult for me to follow.

Do us a favor, Darrin, take this off of Lulu and stop embarrassing yourself.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 06:34:22 pm
Holy fuckballs.

After giggling through the 5-page pronuciation list, I'm not sure I can make it past the first sentence:


"The sun begins to fall to the helpless thoughts of dusk where the sky turns dark and the night once again strengths the Necromancers."



There is so much wrong with that, I feel paralyzed.  Honestly, I can't even begin to comment on it.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Lies on January 25, 2010, 06:35:06 pm
"There are no reviews for this item"  :?

It's weird.  I can see mine and Nivek's, but not Paynes (and he can't see mine).

Still, crush him like a bug.

Ok, I just signed up and now I can see them...
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 25, 2010, 06:37:38 pm
Holy fuckballs.

After giggling through the 5-page pronuciation list, I'm not sure I can make it past the first sentence:


"The sun begins to fall to the helpless thoughts of dusk where the sky turns dark and the night once again strengths the Necromancers."



There is so much wrong with that, I feel paralyzed.  Honestly, I can't even begin to comment on it.

I refused to read it after I saw the formatting.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 06:38:48 pm
Your keen eye for layout has saved you from horrible, horrible things.


LMNO
- needs a few more minutes to decompress, and then will attempt the second sentence.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Lies on January 25, 2010, 06:41:56 pm
you know whats weird?
I can see 4 reviews.
2 of them gave 1 star, 2 of them gave no rating.
At the top, it's got a two star rating.

How the fuck does that work?
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 06:44:37 pm
you know whats weird?
I can see 4 reviews.
2 of them gave 1 star, 2 of them gave no rating.
At the top, it's got a two star rating.

How the fuck does that work?

One of the Euros gave him 3 stars, then explained WHY. 
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 06:44:55 pm
Holy fuckballs.

After giggling through the 5-page pronuciation list, I'm not sure I can make it past the first sentence:


"The sun begins to fall to the helpless thoughts of dusk where the sky turns dark and the night once again strengths the Necromancers."



There is so much wrong with that, I feel paralyzed.  Honestly, I can't even begin to comment on it.

LET YOUR HATE FLOW.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 06:46:13 pm
OH GODDAMMIT.


"The shadow of Death Moutains is well known and kept clear by all mortals."







TGRR, I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you for this.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 06:47:02 pm
OH GODDAMMIT.


"The shadow of Death Moutains is well known and kept clear by all mortals."







TGRR, I'm not sure if I can ever forgive you for this.

It is not the business of a Holy Man™ to show you pleasing things.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Lies on January 25, 2010, 07:03:52 pm
Quote
You know what would make this book better?
NOT WRITING IT.

I read the first 5 pages of this and felt like punching who ever wrote it.

This is just... terrible.. no, terrible would imply that this is poorly written.

No, this book is much worse then terrible.
Twilight is terrible, this is on a whole new level of literary desecration.

I want my 5 minutes of life back Darrin.
Shame on you and your abomination to the book world.

I suggest going back to school and finishing 5th grade before you attempt to write another one of these coprophagous "novels".

Better yet, don't ever write anything ever again.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 07:16:05 pm
No amount of research could have prepared me for this book.  It is a work of profound significance, the likes of which the world has never seen, nor shall soon see again.  Engraved deeply into every page, every sentence, there is a power that is greater than anything a mere mortal could have summoned.

Think of it: A story so original, so vast and encompassing, that it could only have been narrated by a dragon in the course of one human's dreaming! A world of Necromancers, Warlocks, and War Unicorns.  A story so profound that it could only be told in the present tense. 

See!  See!  This work of art is so powerful, not even the iron-clad rules of grammar and syntax can contain it!  The narrative claws and tears its way through modern vernacular, the seething, pulsing energy of the tale surrounding King Yarganarganarg oozing out of the page like the ichor that runs through the veins of the Necromantic protagonist.

In short, "Delgotha: Book 1" deals with its dense and heady subjects with more sensitivity than "Left Behind", has more emotional honesty than "Twilight", and with a grace and subtlety that rivals "My Immortal" for pure literary genius.




Now, i just have to register.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Reginald Ret on January 25, 2010, 07:26:36 pm
you know whats weird?
I can see 4 reviews.
2 of them gave 1 star, 2 of them gave no rating.
At the top, it's got a two star rating.

How the fuck does that work?

One of the Euros gave him 3 stars, then explained WHY. 
nuh uh. wasn't anyone i can see.

i see:
2 reviews
1 1 star, 1 no rating.
1.5 star rating.
maybe they count no ratings as 3 stars?

PAYNE! rate it already you lazy bastard.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 07:27:37 pm
I gave it 5 stars.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 07:28:31 pm
I gave it 5 stars.

Ouch.

Your revenge is swift, Eastern One.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 07:38:40 pm
I've got more email addresses, and I'm not afraid to treat this book as the second coming of Robert Ludlum.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 25, 2010, 07:50:02 pm
I've got more email addresses, and I'm not afraid to treat this book as the second coming of Robert Ludlum.

CURSE YOU, BEHATTED ONE!
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 25, 2010, 07:55:42 pm
:mittens:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 25, 2010, 08:14:54 pm
In other news, writing this bad should be banned by the Geneva Convention.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Triple Zero on January 25, 2010, 08:37:52 pm
"On EVERY page this book gave me a papercut, and page 23 had AIDS!!"
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: NotPublished on January 25, 2010, 10:03:27 pm
 :lol: :lol: :lol: Funny one Triple

I brought it back down to 2 stars  :argh!:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Dysfunctional Cunt on January 25, 2010, 10:16:05 pm
I had such high hopes when I started this.  I thought it would be an amazing read.

Unfortunately it wasn't written to be read by anyone with a 20 IQ or higher.  The character names, the locations, they are pure gibberish.  If there is an actual plot, it flits all over this fantasy land like pigeons on crack and never lands on any given path.

In fact, I would buy cracked out pigeon poop before I purchased anything else by this author.

A waste of time, money, and I know there were many brain cells which commited suicide in the course of reading this, this....  I cannot even bring myself to call it a book.  Bound toilet tissue is the best term out there!!

Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Pariah on January 25, 2010, 11:37:30 pm
Quote
What first drew me to this book was the cover art, which instantly provokes deep questions. What is the meaning of life? What are those swirlies for? Is that a rune, some ancient archaic symbol, possibly the "Delgotha" of the title. The title is even more mysterious. "The Kings of War"
The
Kings

. . .

of War?
War is no geographical region I have ever heard of. However my knowledge of Medieval Political Maps is quite limited. However the book mantains this initial sense of mystery throughout. This is probably due to the deep well rounded characters Delzer can craft such as "UNDEAD GOLDEN SKELETON CHAMPION SYQUART" or the lovable War Unicorn Ambien™. But this book is much more than a fantasy epic. It is a philosophical treatise worthy of placement next to Nietzsche's  "Beyond Good and Evil" or Gray's "Fun with Dick and Jane." One quote which is provided for you in the foreword really strikes true. So true that I made a poster of it and had it printed at Kinko's. "Inside there is a dragon in all of us, but not all dragons are good, and it shows through their actions and words. So be watchful and listen well. Knowing this will keep you from suffering much heartache." Now that's something to live by.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Reginald Ret on January 25, 2010, 11:43:45 pm
Quote
What first drew me to this book was the cover art, which instantly provokes deep questions. What is the meaning of life? What are those swirlies for? Is that a rune, some ancient archaic symbol, possibly the "Delgotha" of the title. The title is even more mysterious. "The Kings of War"
The
Kings

. . .

of War?
War is no geographical region I have ever heard of. However my knowledge of Medieval Political Maps is quite limited. However the book mantains this initial sense of mystery throughout. This is probably due to the deep well rounded characters Delzer can craft such as "UNDEAD GOLDEN SKELETON CHAMPION SYQUART" or the lovable War Unicorn Ambien™. But this book is much more than a fantasy epic. It is a philosophical treatise worthy of placement next to Nietzsche's  "Beyond Good and Evil" or Gray's "Fun with Dick and Jane." One quote which is provided for you in the foreword really strikes true. So true that I made a poster of it and had it printed at Kinko's. "Inside there is a dragon in all of us, but not all dragons are good, and it shows through their actions and words. So be watchful and listen well. Knowing this will keep you from suffering much heartache." Now that's something to live by.
Well done!
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Pariah on January 26, 2010, 12:12:12 am
I hate when I make retarded mistakes when I write something quickly and am too lazy to proofread e.g. starting two sentences in a row with "However,"
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: President Television on January 26, 2010, 12:40:28 am
Quote
What first drew me to this book was the cover art, which instantly provokes deep questions. What is the meaning of life? What are those swirlies for? Is that a rune, some ancient archaic symbol, possibly the "Delgotha" of the title. The title is even more mysterious. "The Kings of War"
The
Kings

. . .

of War?
War is no geographical region I have ever heard of. However my knowledge of Medieval Political Maps is quite limited. However the book mantains this initial sense of mystery throughout. This is probably due to the deep well rounded characters Delzer can craft such as "UNDEAD GOLDEN SKELETON CHAMPION SYQUART" or the lovable War Unicorn Ambien™. But this book is much more than a fantasy epic. It is a philosophical treatise worthy of placement next to Nietzsche's  "Beyond Good and Evil" or Gray's "Fun with Dick and Jane." One quote which is provided for you in the foreword really strikes true. So true that I made a poster of it and had it printed at Kinko's. "Inside there is a dragon in all of us, but not all dragons are good, and it shows through their actions and words. So be watchful and listen well. Knowing this will keep you from suffering much heartache." Now that's something to live by.

For added effect, why not actually make that quote into a poster and provide a link to the image file in the review?
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Pariah on January 26, 2010, 04:13:14 am
Done
(http://img190.imageshack.us/img190/3173/delgothaposter.png)
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 26, 2010, 05:59:59 am
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Nast on January 26, 2010, 07:07:04 am
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

LUNESTA SOUNDS BETTER.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 26, 2010, 12:58:19 pm
Upon my mighty steed ZOLOFT!
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Pariah on January 26, 2010, 02:46:27 pm
Well, Amyban, but close enough.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on January 26, 2010, 02:49:33 pm
Well, Amyban, but close enough.

Still an unnecessarily strange name. Like he's trying to hard to make it unique.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Cain on January 26, 2010, 02:54:04 pm
I bet one of the characters has eyes with an unusual colour, too.  Purple is usually a favourite.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on January 26, 2010, 02:56:36 pm
I bet one of the characters has eyes with an unusual colour, too.  Purple is usually a favourite.

Or silver  :lulz:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on January 26, 2010, 02:59:54 pm
I bet one of the characters has eyes with an unusual colour, too.  Purple is usually a favourite.

Indeed. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PurpleEyes)
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on January 26, 2010, 03:04:26 pm
I bet one of the characters has eyes with an unusual colour, too.  Purple is usually a favourite.

Indeed. (http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PurpleEyes)

 :lulz:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Suu on January 26, 2010, 03:47:46 pm
My eyes are such a pale blue, I could probably rock purple contacts to their fullest extent, otherwise, any natural color just looks unnatural anyway.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Chief Uwachiquen on January 26, 2010, 04:33:30 pm
As an aside based on the context of eye color: There was a stocker I worked with a year or so ago that had turquoise contacts he would wear that actually looked kind of cool.

I'm not sure if I can bring myself to read this thing. It sounds so god awful I may have to gouge my eyes out with my broaches; provided I had any. Ugh.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 26, 2010, 05:08:58 pm
I knew a girl that actually had purple-ish eyes.  For real.

It was crazy sexy. 

TGRR,
Unfortunately only met her once.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 26, 2010, 05:09:49 pm
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

I used to know that guy.  He drove me to work every morning.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: President Television on January 27, 2010, 07:26:43 am
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

I used to know that guy.  He drove me to work every morning.

Was he an insomniac?
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Lies on January 27, 2010, 07:37:23 am
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

I used to know that guy.  He drove me to work every morning.

Was he an insomniac?

More importantly, was he a unicorn?
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 27, 2010, 04:29:13 pm
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

I used to know that guy.  He drove me to work every morning.

Was he an insomniac?

More importantly, was he a unicorn?

Sometimes. 
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on January 27, 2010, 04:29:27 pm
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

I used to know that guy.  He drove me to work every morning.

Was he an insomniac?

No, I am.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: President Television on January 31, 2010, 06:17:12 am
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

I used to know that guy.  He drove me to work every morning.

Was he an insomniac?

No, I am.

I imagine the book isn't helping.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Freeky on February 01, 2010, 04:10:26 am
THE UNICORN IS ACTUALLY NAMED AMBIEN?!?!?!

I used to know that guy.  He drove me to work every morning.

Was he an insomniac?

No, I am.

I imagine the book isn't helping.

You know whats odd, I was really tired, and while I waited for Monkey to fall asleep I read Twilight. Now I don't thnk I could fall asleep for hours...

There is something to what you said.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 03, 2010, 12:35:03 am
OK, drive-by post here (I was just outside adjusting my propane and had to check in on the Delgotha reviews), it looks like, A: the bastard got a bunch of his hilariously semi-literate friends to review the book, and B: some other people have caught on and are leaving it satirical five-star reviews.

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/delgotha-book-i-the-kings-of-war/4819573#reviewSection

 :lulz:

I absolutely agree that this is the second-worst book ever written. It's so bad that I am considering buying a copy, for posterity. It's AMAZING. It's the three-wolf-moon T-shirt of the literary world. EVERYONE should know about this book.

I dare you to get to page 31. Seriously, I dare you.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on February 03, 2010, 04:12:31 am
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
They banned my account on Lulu.com. I'm laughing so hard right now. They didn't IP ban though.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Reginald Ret on February 03, 2010, 11:18:47 am
OK, drive-by post here (I was just outside adjusting my propane and had to check in on the Delgotha reviews), it looks like, A: the bastard got a bunch of his hilariously semi-literate friends to review the book, and B: some other people have caught on and are leaving it satirical five-star reviews.

http://www.lulu.com/product/paperback/delgotha-book-i-the-kings-of-war/4819573#reviewSection

 :lulz:

I absolutely agree that this is the second-worst book ever written. It's so bad that I am considering buying a copy, for posterity. It's AMAZING. It's the three-wolf-moon T-shirt of the literary world. EVERYONE should know about this book.

I dare you to get to page 31. Seriously, I dare you.
All by Americans :( can't read from euroland.
xpost please.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: LMNO on February 03, 2010, 04:18:48 pm
Personally, it took me years to learn how to properly congregate a sentence. 






I mean, they never want to be in the same place at the same time, you know?
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 03, 2010, 05:18:22 pm
This is mine:
Quote
I really don't know where to begin. This book injured my sensibilities to the extent that it actually caused physical pain. From the stilted descriptions to the clumsy conjunctions to an overabundance of adjectives that would make Tom Robbins recoil, the author's writing skills are such that they make Dan Brown look like the Samuel Clemens of suspense by comparison. Here, my friends, is a passage from the beginning of the book, and I am not even making this up:

"On his dead sickly pale looking horse, with parts of insides and a skeleton face showing, rides lord Graven who firmly grasps the old black leather straps that have been sewn into the flaps of flesh that over time have peeled back and has been exposed to the elements of speed and the rushing of wind."

This is only the beginning. It gets worse from there... much, much worse. The staggering overuse of passive voice alone would make even a New York Times editor seize up. I am praying, right now, that the author is twelve. This would be sheer genius, coming from a twelve year old who has not yet had the opportunity to learn the most fundamental elements of creative writing. I am also praying that this twelve-year-old goes on to take some college English courses and maybe a writing class or two.

Although the premise of the book was - maybe - kind of promising, I must confess that the wretched prose so bruised my literary aesthetic that I was unable to finish it. I have no doubt that at some point I will, if only for the humor potential. This brings me to why I gave it two stars. Do you remember "My Immortal"? Widely deemed the worst fanfiction, and possibly the worst novel of any kind ever written? Well, for the sheer painful amusement this book has brought me, I had to give it something, as it will live on in my memory forever alongside My Immortal.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on February 03, 2010, 05:20:32 pm
I suggest we crosspost this horrible thing everywhere possible and see if we an make it go viral. Mr. Delzer has clearly earned some amount of fame.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 03, 2010, 05:21:39 pm
:lol:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Pariah on February 04, 2010, 02:15:30 am
Quote
By Darrin Delzer
My Reply:
I do agree that the names of some of the characters are a bit complicated, they weren't meant to be, however I don't think it calls for attacking my character as a person.
I ask that you keep the reviews about the book, honestly about the book and not how I was born wrong, or whatever.
Be professional, be respectful, and above all leave the bad language to the unwritten page of the imagination.

Thank You For Your Time.

 :cry:
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on February 04, 2010, 04:13:32 am
Don't buy into his bullshit. He uses things like that just to show how "mature" he really is. When in reality, he's another four year old pissed that someone smashed his sand castle. I know him IRL.

Btw, I was informed today that the only reason he self published is because NO other publishing company would touch it.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on February 04, 2010, 05:31:02 am
I know that one from personal experience :D

 :lulz: Hehe, yep.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: . on February 05, 2010, 05:55:06 pm
So, he sent an email to Evil Roomie.

I quote small passages from it, because the rest of it is really mindless drivel.  :lulz:

 
Quote
Scratch that, they were reviews and bashings of me personally, had she actually read the book and pointed things out on how she didn't like it, that's fine, but her plan to go out of her way to gather people and lie calling me a smug ass hole, and real fucked up specimen, to hurt me or my book was the last call.
There is something truly sick about a person who gathers friends to think up an attack like that "WE WILL CRUSH HIM,"

I'm giggling about the rest of it because it's obviously an attack at me personally and berating Evil Roomie in a not-so-intelligent way.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Freeky on February 05, 2010, 05:59:58 pm
Lol.
Title: Re: A New Art, In and of Itself: The Horrible Review
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 10, 2020, 02:57:10 am
Bump for use elsewhere.