Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Literate Chaotic => Topic started by: LMNO on March 23, 2005, 01:17:10 pm

Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2005, 01:17:10 pm
The City.  Cold, grey, full of angles jutting at odd, predictable angles.  A place where anarchy lies just a gunshot away from the uneasy order that has slowly taken over.  Gee, I miss the suburbs.

It was a grey morning, as I groggily lifted my head from my desk.  I vaguely wondered who had cracked open my brain pan & replaced it with charcoal in mid-burn, when I noticed the bottle next to me, a half-inch of amber liquid left.  Right.  Another night of self-pity, in the City that doesnt care.  Coming fully into painful consciousness, I grabbed the bottle & poured the rest of the cheap scotch into last nights glass, fighting the nausea of a new day.

I leaned back in my chair, and looked out the window, at the concrete prison of Ideas that is the City.  There was little traffic this morning, as most people only come to the City when they have to.  Government, Inc. had proclaimed today to be a holiday for tax purposes, so the worker bees stayed in their hives, fearing to tread in the unpredictable streets.

Hearing the outer door open, I ran my fingers through my hair.  Graying already, my temples turning the color of the pavement.  The knock came as I straightened my tie, trying to make it look like I didnt spend the night passed out in an alcoholic haze.

When She walked in, it was like a Krakatoa sunrise.  Short red hair trained to hold the curves of her skull like it was the president of the Clara Bow fan club, and a dress to match.  Legs that went for miles, all standing unsteadily on a pair of heels that could be used as weapons.  What the fuck was she doing here, in this room, in this building, in this City?  She was the kind of woman who threw the unfeeling vastness of the City into pure focus, just by standing there, radiating life.

Are you LMNO?
Some call me that, yeah.
I hear youre a dick.  I need someone to be a dick for me.
Did I mention Im a fan of double entendres, as well?  

She smiled, a quick, no-teeth smile of condescension, but I could tell from her eyes she was holding something back. It took a lot to stand the City.  We all have our armor, some of us just hide it better.  What can I do for you, I asked.

Its this, she said, tossing a playing card on my desk.  I picked it up, and noticed it wasnt a playing card, but a Tarot card.  The Tower, to be exact.

Ouch.

She looked worried, and in that moment, it seemed like the entire Universe wanted to protect her, reassure her. What is it? she asked.

Are you trying to tell me something?  Dames like you dont just walk in here and throw Tarot at me.  I usually leave that to the Gypsies.
Someone slipped this into my box last night.
What did I tell you about entendres?
Look, LMNOWhat kind of name is that, anyway?
My parents were librarians.  They liked keeping everything lined up.
IĶ See. She gave me a look like she wasnt sure whether to believe me.  Well, Ive been getting mysterious phone calls over the past few weeks, and now this.  Im frightened.
What kind of phone calls?
Its embarrassing.  I wont tell you, unless you want to take the case.  

I thought about next months rent, and the dwindling case of scotch in the closet.  What the hell, I thought, at least itll be interestingĶ  Sure, dollface, Ill work with you.  Now why dont you tell me about it from the beginningĶ
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on March 23, 2005, 01:30:34 pm
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on March 23, 2005, 02:17:07 pm
8)

<chin in hand, Hoshiko stares raptly at the screen, waiting for the next chapter>
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on March 23, 2005, 03:25:35 pm
RAH!  :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on March 23, 2005, 07:05:27 pm
stop stealing my imaginary lives!/size]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on March 23, 2005, 09:25:08 pm
Can one tapdance to this?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 24, 2005, 01:23:49 pm
She sat down in an old, creaky wooden chair. She looked down at her hands, slender and tipped with nails like rubies.

It all started 23 days ago, she began.  I started getting calls on my cell phone.  At first, there was this buzzing, squeaking noise, like a mouse trapped in a fax machine.  I thought it was just some sort of weird atmospheric thing, but after a few times of this, I started to hearĶ messagesĶ Oh, I dont know if I can go on.

Relax, have a seat.  Would you like some pie?

What?

Sorry.  Inside joke.  Drink?  I grabbed a glass from a desk drawer, and wiped down the rim with my shirttail.  I stood up, feeling the joints in my knees pop, and the labor union that was my lower back decided to go on strike.   Wincing, I made my way gingerly to the closet, where the last lone bottle of scotch lived.  I cracked the seal, & poured her a finger or two.  Now, what did these voices sound like?

She sipped on the liquor, and made a face. Do you have any ice?

What?  Do you prefer crack?

ĶIm not sure I

Ice?  In scotch?  You damesĶ

Dagger-eyed, she gulped down another sip.  The voices, she continued pointedly, were more like muttering.  Whispers.  But gurgled, like they were getting over a head cold.  But also distorted, like a Big Black song.

Wonders never cease, I thought.  Where did a classy broad like this find out about Big Black?  So, what did theseĶ eldritchĶ voices say?

I couldnt figure it out, so I wrote it out phonetically.  She reached her delicate hand up, and teased upon the neckline of her dress, slyly slipping her fingers between the fabric and her skin, allowing not so much as a square centimeter of flesh to show, but making anyone looking believe they had seen the hills of the Holy land itself.  This chick is a born tease.  Her hand withdrew from her cleavage, and between the index and middle fingers was a slip of paper.  She unfolded it, and the light scent of her flesh filled the narrow and dusty office.

At that moment, the weak light bulb, not the most friendly of appliances at the best of times, decided to revolt against its electrical masters.  With a flash and a pop, the office grew noticeably darker.  Even with the bright morning light, the grime and soot on the offices windows was reluctant to improve the optics inside the room.  Startled, she took a step back, and raised her hand to her delicate ivory throat.  

Fuck, I muttered eloquently.  Reaching into my pockets, looking for a match, or a witticism, I finally produced a lighter, and used it to beat back some of the shadows encroaching on us.  Its ok, I said.  The wiring in this place sucks, but at least the rent doesnt cost me a kidney.

She smiled uneasily, then bent her head to peer at the paper in her hand.  The voices saidĶ Aye, eeyo.  Kootooloo fagthan.  Better check on the baby.  Eevoh-hay, Pan-janitor.  And thats how I saved Christmas.  LMNO, what does this mean?  She quickly lifted her head, and looked into my eyes.  I felt like time would stop as her green eyes locked into my blue, it felt like she was crawling up my optic nerves and into my brain, driving those perfect fingers into my cortex, twisting my brain stem around her little finger.

Grunting, I broke the eye contact, shaking my head like some beast with a nose full of porcupine quills.  How did she do that?  I took the slip of paper from her, desperately hoping our fingers didnt touch.  Let me look at that.  Oh, and if Im going to take you case, I better know what to call you.

You can call me Erin.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on March 24, 2005, 02:46:01 pm
Pan-Janitor? Uh-oh...


Why do I get the feeling eL's gonna lose a kidney before all of this is over?

And does he eat the note? Please tell me he eats the note afterwards!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 24, 2005, 02:54:36 pm
Quote from: Hoshiko
Pan-Janitor? Uh-oh...


Why do I get the feeling eL's gonna lose a kidney before all of this is over?

And does he eat the note? Please tell me he eats the note afterwards!


I gotta say, I really have no idea where this is going.... I'm just trying to get down about 600 words each chapter.  I might have to do the Burroughs/RAW trick & do stream of conciousness cut-ups.  Or I'll just steal some of Horabs more confusing posts.

[edit:  but i will take peanut gallery suggestions into consideration.  And keep an eye out for the Scrids!]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on March 24, 2005, 03:01:04 pm
Oh, if you need ideas, I've got ideas  :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on March 24, 2005, 03:35:26 pm
Quote from: ellemeno
The City. Cold, grey, full of angles jutting at odd, predictable angles. A place where anarchy lies just a gunshot away from the uneasy order that has slowly taken over. Gee, I miss the suburbs.


 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  

I don't know how anyone could miss suburbs. It's like Thud. It is Thud.

AC,
still missing the city,
and stealing Chef's signoff.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on March 24, 2005, 03:37:53 pm
The 'burb are indeed the land of Thud.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on March 24, 2005, 03:40:46 pm
Yep, and infested with rich white conservatards too, I canvassed this county all summer...they're everywhere.... ::shudder::

In recent years though, Mexican and Korean immigrants have found this neighborhood to be hospitable, so now there is at least some kinda culture around here.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 24, 2005, 03:52:46 pm
You make one wisecrack, and look what happens...


 :)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on March 24, 2005, 04:01:21 pm
:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on March 24, 2005, 04:20:13 pm
This is great! More!!!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The New York Times on March 24, 2005, 08:04:43 pm
(http://img91.exs.cx/img91/7250/nytbestseller1jr.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 24, 2005, 08:06:49 pm
Number 3 with a Bullet!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on March 24, 2005, 08:24:20 pm
Awesome! You beat John Grisham in sales.  :shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 24, 2005, 08:27:18 pm
W00t!  I pwned Grihsam!


Ahem.  I shouldn't brag.  It's not humble.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on March 24, 2005, 08:28:56 pm
Quote from: LMNO
W00t!  I pwned Grihsam!


Ahem.  I shouldn't brag.  It's not humble.


Far better, you are beating the (bloody) Da Vinci Code!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on March 24, 2005, 08:32:19 pm
Well, the Da Vinci Code was on it's way down anyway.

But Grisham, right before the beginning of beach season (!). If there was ever a time to brag, now would be it.  :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 24, 2005, 08:36:59 pm
::Modest::


Ah. Well, I se we have done fairly well.  


Wonderful.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on March 24, 2005, 10:24:10 pm
And imagine how well it'll sell when you finish it.

(Hint, Hint  :wink: )
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 25, 2005, 03:35:23 pm
Well, Erin, let me see this cell phone of yours, I said.  She reached into her purse (purse?  Did she have a purse when she walked in?  How could she have kept that hidden?) and pulled out your typical-style phone.  High-end, no doubt, but just the same as any other:  Black, smaller than a deck of cards, and vaguely sinister-looking.  She laid it on the desk, and glanced up at me.

I know it sounds stupid, but Im almost afraid to touch it, she said.  Looking quickly at the phone, not wanting to get lost in her eyes a second time, I noticed it had a few deep scratches in the back, where the battery gets recharged.

Whats this?

Well, after about a week of these strange calls, I lost my nerve, and sort ofĶ snapped.  I threw the phone at the wall.  It didnt stop the calls, though.

I picked up the phone, opened it, & began dialing a string of digits.  Well, lets see if we can figure out where these calls are coming from.

I tried Star 69, but it didnt seem to work.

Letting another innuendo slip by, I said, Well, thats because you use the Government, Inc.s services.  You know as well as I do that ever since the National This-Is-For-Your-Own-Good-Just-Trust-Us Act of 2006 passed, no information request will ever provide accurate information, just add your name to the ever-growing list of people who want to Know Too Much.

Looking around nervously, she said, I had to take a chance.

Dont worry about it.  These days, the list includes about 98% of the population.  Government, Inc. uses Quantum Information Storage, but they havent gotten around to figuring out how to make a Quantum Processor yet.  So its like finding a speck of dust in the middle of the galaxy.

A small smile flickered at the corner of her mouth.  I noticed that her lips, full and red like the promise of a pomegranate just before the bitterness sets in, had a small, almost miniscule scar running from the top edge of the left cupids bow diagonally to the bottom lip, like she was delicately brutalized at some great distance in her past, or had fallen out of a willow tree as a child.  It was the smallest and most perfect of flaws on a flawless face, the unnatural error of symmetry calling attention to her impeccable beauty.  So how is it, Mr. LMNO, that you plan to get around Government Inc.s little plan?

Ah, it all depends on your connections, dollface.  I know a couple of Scrids down at MegaTeleComTech, and they owe m a favor.

They use Scrids?  Her forehead folded upon itself slightly, and I realized that was the look of someone whos not used to being puzzled, when the muscles have all but forgotten the feeling of a frown.

Well, with the millions of signals coming down the wires & flying through the air every second, who else but genetically-modified, hyper-intelligent Giant Land Squids are they going to use?  The phone on the other end of the line was ringing, so I held up one finger, not wanting to be any ruder than I had to be to Erin.  After all, if she was going to be paying me, she was my employer.  The line picked up.

Hey, Randy? ...Yeah, its LMNOĶ I know, I know, not since SeptemberĶ Mmm HmmmĶ How the brood?  ĶGreat, greatĶ  Look, Randy, I have to call in that favorĶ  No, that didnt count, because I wasnt the one who got the wires crossedĶ  Yeah, well, tell it to the wallĶ  Ok, fine.  25%, and a sack of mollusks.  Listen, Randy, what I need from you is to keep a tracer on this phone, number 333-2342, and to track all incoming callsĶ.  Yeah? Great.  If you can do this for me, were evenĶ. RightĶ  Ok.  Ill call you again when I need the number.

I hung up, and looked at Erin, still struggling with the glass of scotch.  Pouring another for myself, I said, Well, thats that.  All we have to do now is wait for another call.

Suddenly the phone rang.  I snatched it up, and a sickly whine burst from the receiver.

KkkkkkkkkssssssssBellandBookandFlamesssssssskkk kkkkFeartheComingOfAeaiiiinSooooffffhhhUsurperoft heClowntroddengggggggggggggggggggĶ  The line went dead.

That was pretty freaky, I said.  I turned to look at Erin.  She had contracted somehow, drawing herself into herself, her eyes wide with fear.  She grabbed my glass, and drained it, her face never changing expression.

Its ok.  Im calling Randy now.  I dialed up the Scrid, and waited as the connection was made.  Randy?  Yeah, its me again.  I need to knowWHAT?  How is that possible?  ĶNo, I dont think youre lying, thats genetically impossible, thats why its so much fun playing poker with youĶ Could you triple-check that?  ĶI see. I hung up.

What?  What?  Erin was literally on the edge of her seat, chest heaving with anticipation, temporarily driving all other thoughts out of my head.  Coming back to myself, I put the phone carefully on my desk, and drew my gun.

He said the call was coming from inside the phone itself.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on March 25, 2005, 05:05:13 pm
:shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:
MORE MORE MORE MORE MORE
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on March 25, 2005, 06:59:28 pm
RAH!!

and i would like to add that this is the first work of fiction to utilize Scrids.....for too long, the Scrid has been ignored in contemporary literature and i for one, would like to congratulate LMNO on breaching this last of literary taboos.

ask for more Scrid-centric fiction at your local bookstore now.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on March 26, 2005, 07:02:46 pm
8)  LMNO = teh w1n
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 28, 2005, 02:30:17 pm
I dont like guns.  I mean, when I have to use them.  Sure, target practice is fine, and it gives you a certain manliness quotient, holding the powerful and explosive Doom Cock like some hero from TV, but when it really comes down to needing to use a gun, everything becomes uncomfortable.

Case in point: Right now, the nine millimeter in my hand felt all too heavy, and the smell of cordite and oil filled my nostrils.  I held Death in my hand, I wielded Violence.  And right now, it was pointed at a small piece of plastic on my desk.

Erin started, Wait.  How can the call have originated inside the phone when the phone rang again.  But it didnt so much ring, as shriek.  Digital feedback, mixed with good old fashioned Screaming of the Damned, from what I could tell, filled the office.  The scratches down the back of the cell phone widened and split, following some sort of pre-described demarcations, splitting the top half down the middle, and spreading out either side, while what looked like legs began sprouting from the lower half.

sssskkkkskkskkkkkkYourASoulWillSufferAgonyssskkkksttttshshshhhhhTearYourSkinUntilPainBecomesYourOnlyFriend... akehhekkksskkkkskkkkksssYouWillKnowNoFriendButThe PainOfYouSoulandTheEmptinessOfYouLifeskjjehhddded Ķ

Oh, My God, Erin cried.  Its EMO!

Wings burst through the back of the phones, and buzzed furiously.  Launching itself


The editors of LMNO-PI would like to interrupt at this point and note that the face-raping bat scene has been deleted, seeing as how the Author of this petty drama is currently both sleep-deprived and hungover, and wrote, what we here all agree, was a pretty bad and tasteless scene.  Needless to say, this chapter is filled with weak adjectives, and horrible similes, such as plummeted through the air like a Pearl Harbor bomber, and the like.  The Editors would like to apologize to the readers, and to assure you that this passage should contain Horrific and Wildly Exciting descriptions of LMNOs ferocious and chaotic gunfight with the Strangely Demonic Face-Raping Bat Cell Phone.  We apologize for the interruption.

ĶThe last bullet hit home, and hit true.  The phone exploded into shards of plastic and bits of newly-formed flesh, and what seemed to be fluttering bits of paper.  The newly found silence was almost stifling compared to the screams and gunshots.  I slid the gun back into its holster, and grabbed one of the slips of paper out of the air.  It was completely covered with Ones and Zeroes.

Damn.  Im not enough of a geek to read machine code raw.

What. The fuck.  Was that!?

Ill explain it to you in the car.  Right now, we have to get out of here.

I put that up to my EAR!

I know.  It likes that sort of thing.  But we have to go.  I need this translated.

Where are we going?

I need this read, fast.  So were going to a bar.

WHAT?  Are you serious?  We just got attacked by thatĶ thatĶ thing

Face-Raping bat.

Whatever, and youre thinking about getting drunk?  Not to mention, where are you going to find a place open right now?

Easy.  Its the only bar open at this hour of the morning.  The Open Bar.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on March 28, 2005, 05:49:43 pm
i'm in the story!!!  :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on March 28, 2005, 09:15:21 pm
:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 29, 2005, 02:35:32 pm
I grabbed my shabby leather trench coat as we left the office, making our way down the dimly-lit, musty corridor to the street.  The wiring here was as bad as the office, and the flickering bulbs did nothing to calm Erins nerves.  Against my better judgment, I offered her my arm.  With a wan smile, she placed her palm in the crook of my elbow, and drew close.

The scent coming off her, like the fields of Amsterdam, like the first rain of summer, mounted a frontal attack on my brain, as the pressure from her fingertips made me think of what those hands could do, in another time, another place.  Dammit!  Get a hold on yourself, L!  And yes, I know that was another pun.  Shut it!  Dont think that shes gonna get over the Face-Raping Bat anytime soon!

Turning towards me, Erin said, I still dont see why were going to a Bar.

Not just any bar, honey.  This one isĶ Special.

Special like mine is the power and the glory special, or special like I need help wiping my own ass special?

I chuckled.  Neither, doll face.  There are some pretty weird characters who hang out there who might help us with this.  I pulled the scrap of binary code from my pocket, & she flinched, but kept her cool.

Your friends, I bet.

Well, some of them.  OthersĶ lets just say we have an uneasy truce.

Hmph.  Sounds like any other joint in the City.

Ah.  But can you say that any other bar will talk back to you?  Leaving that last comment hanging, I opened the front doors onto the street.  

The City loomed through the threshold, the grim oppressiveness pushing down on your shoulders almost immediately.  It wasnt supposed to be like this, originally.  There was something about the way the City was built.  Psychotecture they called it.  The theory was that the brain interpreted angles in the same way it interpreted feelings and emotions.  Make the angle big enough, prominent enough, and it will affect your mood.  Of course, the possibilities were huge, and Government, inc. ate that shit up like pancakes.  The designers got to work, like Frank Lloyd Wright on steroids, plotting out the buildings, the streets, even the lampposts.  Great idea, right?  Make the City what you want it to be:  The financial center attentive, focused, precise, the Restaurant district warm, inviting, etc.

When it was finished, the designers submitted the City to Government, inc. who then did what they always did:  Auction off to the lowest bidder.  Who, of course, will cut corners.  Literally.  The precise distances and angles the designers calculated were eyeballed, estimated, and (occasionally) eliminated.  When it was all done, the City was a mockery of itself, a concrete and steel grotesque, oppressive and forbidding, even on the brightest Spring day.  Needless to say, the suicide rate in the City shot up 1723% in the first year after completion.  No wonder no one left their windowshade up for long.  

Pulling up my collar, we hunched against the psychic assault of the City in all its vast malevolence, and made our way to the car.  A silver, beat-to-shit late model beast, it contrasted sharply against the sleek and sinister beauty of the latest models parked nervously alongside.

Holy shit, Erin said, bemused.  Does that thing run on gas, still?

Never got around to installing the hydro cell converter.

Where do you find the cash to refill the damn thing?

I try not to use it that often, but today, were in a hurry, and since theres no one on the road yet, I figure we can get away with it.

Damn, I think I will need a drink after riding in that piece of junk.

Just get in.  Weve got to get to the Open Bar before the Troll gets too drunk.

Were actually looking for a Troll?

A collective, actually, I said, hitting the started, & gunning the car to life.  The engine fought me for a second, as if it knew it wasnt long for this world, and just wanted to fade away into rust, but then it remembered why it was made, and let out an angry roar as it cleared its pipes of any carbon that might be in its steel throat.

Weve got to find Aini.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on March 29, 2005, 08:50:16 pm
:shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 29, 2005, 08:53:11 pm
I know.  It's getting kind of spooky, huh?  I have no idea how I got to this point...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on March 29, 2005, 08:58:08 pm
its scary and amazing what happend when yuou let words just flow

I like the name for the way the city was built
very clever
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 29, 2005, 09:00:52 pm
Quote from: Malaul
its scary and amazing what happend when yuou let words just flow

I like the name for the way the city was built
very clever


[full disclosure]

I stole that from a comic book.

[/full disclosure]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on March 29, 2005, 09:03:06 pm
oh well
cant be awsome all the time
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on March 29, 2005, 11:21:30 pm
does my agent know about this?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Great Teacher Largo on March 29, 2005, 11:22:16 pm
Yes, Yes he does, Mister Baggins.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on March 29, 2005, 11:24:11 pm
OB - shut up. you don't have an agent.  :roll:

LMNO - please continue your story. i apologize on behalf of OB....he was featured in an banned edition of an 'Archie Andrews' comic and he's not been the same since...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on March 29, 2005, 11:28:21 pm
sorry LMNO....i got carried away.  :oops:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on March 30, 2005, 12:37:07 pm
Why do you hate Bush?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 30, 2005, 02:29:01 pm
We drove in silence for a few minutes.  Well, relative silence, anyway, as the car grumbled, coughed, & roared its way through the mostly empty streets of the City.  I glanced over at Erin.  She had a look on her face like a John Singer-Sargent painting, deep but not revealing any secrets.

Ok.  Fine.  Youre saying the only way to figure out whatever thatthat

Face-Raping Bat.

Yeah, Face-Raping Batwas doing is to find a Troll collective.  Fine.  But what do you mean about the Bar talking back to you?

I sighed.  Listen.  This is a delicate subject, because Im not sure if Government, Inc. knows about it.  You remember when they came up with Quantum Storage, so they could collect almost infinite data on everyone in the country?

Yeah.  There was a big protest about it.

ĶUntil most of the protesters were killed in the Accident.  Anyway, a few who got away went underground, where they were able to hack their way into Government Inc.s system & see what was really going on.  What they found was, like I said earlier, a system of storage, but no way of processing the information fast enough.  The Quantum Processor simply couldnt survive the massive amount of energy required to make it run.

But what does that have to do with a Bar?

Im getting there.  These underground hackers decided that they were going to try & beat Government, Inc to the punch and develop their own Quantum Processor, so they could stay a step ahead of the Christ Squads and to keep tabs on the Claw Shrimp.  Their breakthrough came when they realized the only solution was to bring the Quantum process to the Macro world.  That way, the larger bodies could handle the energy needed without breaking down.

Their next problem was to somehow manifest tangible Quantum symptoms in a visible form.  Luckily, these werent your usual Hackers.  They decided to throw everything they had at the problem, so they tried combining their technical and mathematical skills with some... unorthodox methods.

Unorthodox.

Yeah.  They hooked up with a Kabbalist (a real Kabbalist), a couple of Ceremonial Magicians, a Tarot card reader, and combined that with their resident Tantrist--

Sex Magic?  Are you serious?

Serious as the Popes feeding tube.  She was able to raise enough kundalini to manifest a fairly good representation of the Tree of Life as pure energy, but it wouldnt stay still.  It was too unpredictable.  It kept changing, & breaking down.  After taking a break, they had some tequila, and realized that it they had to embrace the unpredictability, not control it.  Perhaps it was because they were all pretty drunk, but they decided that since perception helped shape quantum actions, then they should make the laboratory into a bar, which is perhaps the most unpredictable place a person can go.

Now youre putting me on.  Erin began to pout, and I almost drove the car into a streetlamp before I pulled myself together enough.

Youd think I was, but get this:  By adding the element of chaos to the probability equations of Quantum mechanics, the Orgone energy from sexual charge, and the altered consciousness of Magic and Tarot, something happened: Tangible, macro, collapsing wave states.  In that environment, in that place, you could, just by thinking about it, create whatever you wanted.  Granted, it wasnt quite the Quantum Processor they were looking for, but damn, it was fun.  They decided to not only keep it a secret, but keep the bar part up and running, with entrance available to only those who know.

Ķ

I know, it sounds like bullshit.  It gets worse.  A few months ago, the bar somehow gained sentience.

Thats it.  Let me out of the car.

Wait.  Think about it.  Whet is the human mind but information being strung together in random ways?  What is consciousness but an enormous probability?  The Macro wave states had existed for so long, they started self-regulating.  Youll see.  Were almost there.

Softly, subtly, we had slid into a darker part of the city.  We had left the relative eeriness of the Citys residential district, and had entered the pseudo-psychotic Warehouse District.  Graffiti dedicated to Hastur and Nyarlotep fought with each other, and you could see the glint of wide eyes and sharp knives in every dark angle large enough to hide a body (or two).  The occasional working streetlight did nothing but push the surrounding darkness to a more sinister, inky mess.

I gotta warn you, dollface, the Open Bar is a little different than most of the places youve probably been to.

Oh, really?  She finally smiled again, briefly, like she had more secrets than she knew what to do with.  And how do you know where Ive been?

Im just saying, even with the self-regulating Quantum consciousness, the wave states are unstable, and need constant maintenance and upkeep.

Meaning what, exactly?

Well, why fix what isnt broke?  The same processes that brought it into being are used to keep it going.

ĶYou mean, tantric sex, excessive drinking, and strange pagan ritualsĶ

Exactly.  And Math, of course.

Of course.

I stopped the car.  Were here.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on March 30, 2005, 02:39:18 pm
LMNO=Bush Hater


Nice story, btw.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on March 30, 2005, 03:05:59 pm
Quote from: Irreverend Hugh, KSC
LMNO=Bush Hater



I think Erin would disagree.


This is getting GOOD. Math and the Open Bar...  8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on March 30, 2005, 03:12:22 pm
Quote from: Hoshiko
Quote from: Irreverend Hugh, KSC
LMNO=Bush Hater



I think Erin would disagree.


This is getting GOOD. Math and the Open Bar...  8)


Bars>America

And

Bush+USarmy=DOOM (it's not just for the poor anymore!)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on March 30, 2005, 09:30:24 pm

::happily munches carrot and spinach salad::

i love detective stories
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on March 31, 2005, 01:35:22 am
I hate waiting for the next part to coem in

I WANNA MOREEEEEEEEEEEEE
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on March 31, 2005, 01:41:27 am
Me, too. Math and the Open Bar and pancakes and collective trolls and face-raping bats and so much more. Wow! Hurry up and write more, L.!!!!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on March 31, 2005, 02:08:22 am
I'm just wondering how the collective troll thing'll turn out.

Oh, and I'm enjoying the story too.  :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Sepia on March 31, 2005, 02:27:48 am
yea, eagerly awaiting next chapter.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 31, 2005, 02:42:43 pm
As she stepped out of the car, Erin said, Youve got to be kidding me.  

We were standing in front of a narrow door, attached to a cramped, squat, suspiciously non-Euclidian building sandwiched between two hulking behemoth towers that loomed overhead, windows shattered like broken teeth, or spare eye sockets gouged out of the walls.

I know, I know.  They like a certain sense of mystery abut it.  Makes em feel dangerous.  I took her hand (the sensation of my fingers entwining with her made me think of copulating Seraphim, of snakes in the spring), and led her to the door.  Hey, OB! I shouted at the door.

Who are They? Erin whispered.  I didnt have a chance to answer, as the surface of the door swelled, and suddenly had the appearance of a round, friendly face, about three times the size of a normal head.

L, how are you?  IThe huge eyes rolled towards Erin, and scowled.  Erin let out a muffled shriek and flinched back, as the door looked her up and down.  What do you think youre doing, L?

Shes a client, OB.  Play nice.  We were just assaulted by a cell phone.

You sure?  She looks too good to be one of yoursĶ

Hey, thanks a lot, OB!  Now, are you going to let us in, or am I gonna have to do this the hard way?

The door grinned, Oh, I was just kidding.  We know your credit is good here.  Cmon in.  The face disappeared, and the door was a door again.

Erin looked at me quizzically.  Whats the hard way?

I chuckled.  Darling, there is no hard way.  The Open Bar likes to play that its just a little kid, having awoken only a few months ago.  But really, it basically could control everything that happens in itself.  This includes entering.  Its a good thing we raised the energy through sex and not violence.  I wouldnt want that much negative energy in one consciousness.  I prefer his silly goof at immaturity.

OBs face popped out of the door again.  I heard that.

You were supposed to.  The face disappeared again, and I grabbed the doorknob.  Turning to Erin, I said, you ready for this? as I swung the door open.

I guess soĶ Holy shit!  On the other side of the door was an enormous room, wood-paneled, with large wooden columns supporting a stories-high vaulted roof.  There were tables scattered about, an enormous mahogany bar with brass railings, a stage off to one side, and what looked to be private rooms in back.  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds cover of All Tomorrows Parties emanated from nowhere in particular.  The place was about three-quarters full, and filled with all sorts of odd types: Scrabblers, Emo kids, Metalheads, Drunken Buddhists, Renegade Kareokists, and the Ubiquitous Barflys.  I led Erin over to the bar, where a man with an enormous polystyrene nose was wiping a glass down with his shirttail.

Hey, Mangrove, two martinis.

He looked up.  LMNO, havent seen you here in a while.  Whos the lovely lady?

Ah, yes.  Erin, this is Mangrove.  Mangrove, Erin.

A pleasure, Mangrove said, as two martini glasses filled with expensive gin and a lemon rind delicately twisted along the rims materialized in front of us.  Erin looked at them dubiously.

Its ok, I said.  Look up.

The ceiling was barely visible, as there were oddly shimmering darts of light folding in upon themselves, in a perpetual mobius strip of color and illumination.  What is that? asked Erin, enraptured.  I turned to her to answer, and was momentarily caught up in the sense of wonder she radiated, the raucous noise of the bar dimmed, the rest of the world faded away.

Um.  The, ahĶ  I followed her gaze up, and came back to myself.  Those are the collapsing wave states.  Theyre what made the Open Bar.  When you concentrate hard enough, one of the wave states will fold the universe into what you were thinking about.  Thats how we got this place to look the way it does.  Apparently, OB can fold space-time.  Mang here decided that a good bar should always be almost full, but never packed, because it adds to a atmosphere of solidarity and community.  Or Something.  Did I get that right?

Indubitably, L.  Now miss... Erin, was it?

Yes.

ĶErin.  LMNO tends to get snobbish about his drinks, I was wondering if you would like anything other than the bitter taste of gin?  Mangrove had a sly grin on his face as he asked.  I knew what he was up to.

Erin smiled back.  A white wine, if you please.  Sauvignon Blanc, preferably.

Absolutely.  A chilled glass of wine appeared in front of her.  I decided to step in before things got out of hand.

Mang, were looking for Aini.

Why the fuck would you deliberately look for her?

Face-Raping BatĶ  Its a long story.  Ill tell you later.  Anyway, is she around?

Back corner.  Just look for the large amount of people deliberately avoiding her.

Thanks.  I grabbed my glass, and took a long pull.  This was gonna be tough.  One more thing, Mang, I said.

What, pray tell?

Lemme get a cold wrought-iron crowbar.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Great Teacher Largo on March 31, 2005, 02:45:50 pm
I've not done this in a long time, but.

/me lols.

LMNO, this shit is great.  Absolutely great.  Please, take me as your disciple, oh great master, that I may learn you to convey my insanity in such a deceptively lucid form.

Now hurry up and spit out the next one!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 31, 2005, 04:03:50 pm
Quote from: Great Teacher Largo
I've not done this in a long time, but.

/me lols.

LMNO, this shit is great.  Absolutely great.  Please, take me as your disciple, oh great master, that I may learn you to convey my insanity in such a deceptively lucid form.


(http://img57.exs.cx/img57/9058/thinkforyourselfnew029ul.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on March 31, 2005, 04:13:46 pm
:shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Great Teacher Largo on March 31, 2005, 06:35:52 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Quote from: Great Teacher Largo
I've not done this in a long time, but.

/me lols.

LMNO, this shit is great.  Absolutely great.  Please, take me as your disciple, oh great master, that I may learn you to convey my insanity in such a deceptively lucid form.


(http://img57.exs.cx/img57/9058/thinkforyourselfnew029ul.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)


Right, right.  What next?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on March 31, 2005, 07:16:51 pm
LMNO - this story is shaping up rather nicely. And I can tell you that OB is very pleased with his characterization. He's shorter IRL...think you boosted his self esteem.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 31, 2005, 07:27:03 pm
Thanks, Mang... Looks like you made the cut, too...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on March 31, 2005, 08:11:20 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Thanks, Mang... Looks like you made the cut, too...


yes, he did....though i think my part is better  :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 31, 2005, 08:13:03 pm
I figured you would, my friend...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on March 31, 2005, 11:42:29 pm
OB - I'm warning you now. Behave or I will instigate a new rule that bar staff must wear really boring & unflattering polyester uniforms...and you know what that means, don't you?


...yes, that's right. No more corsets.

  Trust me, I'll do it!!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on March 31, 2005, 11:43:00 pm
:shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 01, 2005, 12:34:51 am
:shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on April 01, 2005, 12:44:46 am
:shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Sepia on April 01, 2005, 12:46:45 am
:shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on April 01, 2005, 12:50:21 am
uhh..sorry everyone.

sorry mang'

sorry El.

i wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the corset wearing. please, no polyester uniforms...i promise i won't interupt El's story again!!

  :(
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Sepia on April 01, 2005, 12:51:16 am
:(
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Gimoz on April 01, 2005, 12:55:28 am
There are no words for describing the ?berness of this story.
MORE!!!111one11 :mrgreen:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 01, 2005, 08:45:23 am
:twisted:  :twisted:  :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 01, 2005, 03:22:09 pm
With the cold iron crowbar in hand, I inclined my head in Erins direction.  Look, if you dont want to deal with this, you can stay here with Mang.  Not only would he enjoy the experience, hed also the closest to the Bar, so youd be perfectly safe.  Not to mention, I think OB has a crush on you.

What do you mean?

Look to your left.  A bouquet of flowers had appeared, hovering in the air, and lowered itself into a vase which rose from the bartop.  Then a box of chocolates appeared.  See?  What a hopeless romantic.

A voice emanating from nowhere in particular said, I heard that.

Erin patted the railing, smiled, and said, UmĶ thanks, uh, OB, but I really have to take care of this.  Straightening up, she looked at me with steely determination, and said, Somebody, somewhere, is trying to scare me, and just recently tried to hurt me.  So Im in for the long haul.  Lets go do this.

Fair enough.  I turned, and began searching out our Troll.

It wasnt hard to find her:  There was only one place in the Bar that people were reluctant to go.  A moat of empty tables and chairs surrounded a hazy mass that only slightly resembled a young woman with wings on her back.  From a distance, it looked like an out-of-focus photograph, but it shimmered, like a heat mirage.  Then you could hear her:  From where we were, it was a low buzzing, like cicadas from a mile off, but as we drew closer, you could start making things out.

MeepĶ3.14592Ķ A FAGGOT WHO LOVES TO MASTURBATE WHILE EDITING POSTS INTO PERVERTED MESSAGESĶoracles are dumb, and psychics are always wrongĶ meepĶ 65358979323846264Ķ I sprinkle you with fairy dust...

Erin stopped.  Whats going on?  What is that?

That, is the Aini collective.  Millions of nano-bots, all loosely connected by a driving urge to annoy as many people as possible.  The thing is, each of the bots has a tiny spark of independent thought, which makes her a bit tough to talk to if you dont get her attention first.

meepĶ 3383279502884Ķ Stop changing what I say...

But why doesĶ she... itĶ Erin trailed off, dumbfounded.

I know, she has that effect on people.  Let me handle it.

How?  How are you going to be able to deal with nano-bots?

The thing is, she thinks shes a fairy.  Shes convinced herself so much so, that she actually plays by the ancient rules of fairly lore.  I hefted the crowbar.  Hence the cold wrought iron.  Oh, which reminds meTurn your pockets inside out.

I dont have pockets.  She motioned downwards at herself, and I foolishly looked.  Her tight red dress clung to her hips like clingfilm, detailing the smooth curves of her body, a shallow dip where her thighs met, the gentle and slight protrusions of her hipbones.  It was the promise of heaven, the inevitability that all men succumb, the literal birthplace of desire.

THEY HAVE CARNAL RELATIONS WITH GOATS!!... MeepĶ

Ainis incessant ranting brought me around again.  We were now face to faces, the bots coalescing, trying to approximate a face and a body, but their independence made them unable to agree on an appearance.  The result was not unlike seeing the corpse of a young girl covered with insects.

Aini, I want to talk with you.  This is Erin.

This is ErinĶ 1971693993751058209749445923Ķ I want to talk with youĶ meepĶI ate yew.  Yum!  Squirrels are stupidĶfairy dustĶ

Im serious.  Hey!  Are you listening?

Are you listening?...I didnt say that, why are you making me say that?... 06647093ĶGOAT FUCKER!

Enough of this shit, I muttered as I drew back with the crowbar, and swung it as hard as I could at Ainis head.  The front part of her face sheared off, as hundreds of bots died, falling to the floor, no more than silicon and nanowires.  

Aini shrieked, and quickly rose from the table, up, and up, her faux wings pretending to flap, as the nanobots quickly re-arranged themselves to form a bow in her hand.  I shoot an arrow at your head! she cried, and let loose a stream of bots.  Erin screamed, and ducked under a table.

Fuck you.  I swung again, and the arrow dissolved into angry dust.  Using the crook of the crowbar, I hooked Ainis foot, shearing it off at the knee.  OB!  Window! I yelled.  A beautiful stained glass window appeared in the wall, just as I hurled Ainis leg.  It shattered in a beautiful rainbow of glass, the shards of which disappeared before falling among the other patrons.  A few cheered and clapped in appreciation of the show.  I owe Agent Compassion for that move, I thought.  Damn, I owe her a dollar.

Aini! Listen up, I yelled.  I need your hyper math!

Oh.  She fluttered down.  Whats up?

I sighed.  Why is it always this hard?  I handed her the slip of paper I got from the face-raping bat.  This looks like machine code.  I need to know what it says.

Did you know I can find out anyones IP address and then change it at will?  Its easy!... MeepĶ

I swung the crowbar again, this time catching her in the side with a satisfying crunch.  I could hear the thousands of tiny robots pulverized.  Damn, it felt good.  PAY ATTENTION!

Ow!  Dammit!  Ok, okĶ Its mixed formatĶ its repeating XVI and 16 a few timesĶ  Oh look, the inevitable 23Ķ  Its throwing a lot of purposeful gibberish between 7s and 8sĶ ok, a few words here... NeztachĶ HodĶ Stupid psychicsĶ  Ok, skipping a bitĶ  Ah.

What?

Hope you like the bohemian scene.

AiniĶ

Whatever this is, and wherever you got it, Aini said with what approximated a knowing grin, it came from the shop at 42nd and 13th.  Dont forget your beret... meepĶ

I knew when not to push it any further.  I abruptly turned around, grabbed Erin by the elbow, and quickly walked away.  Dont look back, I muttered.  The crowd parted for us as we made our way back to the front of the bar.

GOAT FUCKER!!... I didnt say that, you made me do itĶ 64709384460955058223Ķ yer not kewl, and yew know it[/size]ĶmeepĶ meepĶ[/size]

Just ignore her, I said.  It will soon seem like a dream.

It already seems like a dream.

Mang!  More drinks!  Make em doubles!  

Mangroves nose awaited us, with the rest of him behind it.  Hell, after that performance, why dont you just take the bottle?

Fine by me.  Make it scotch.

Mang rolled his eyes.  But of course.  Erin?

Demurely, she said, Better make it scotch for me, as well.  She turned to me, and said, so, did you understand anything she was babbling about?

Yeah, one or two things.  I have to work out some of the details, but I know where we have to go next.

ĶAnd that would beĶ

What do you know about poetry?

Its usually bad, and it takes place in coffee shops?

Right both times.  But dont worry.  The coffee there is excellent.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on April 01, 2005, 06:51:24 pm
if i had a literary agent i'd call him/her and tell them to sign you right away.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 01, 2005, 06:58:36 pm
Just because you're in it....

 :D


Seriously though, this last chapter kicked my ass.  I'm glad for the weekend so I can have a chance to recharge.


Maybe it's time to start thinking of some sort of plot here...

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 01, 2005, 07:59:10 pm
:shock:  :lol:  Yay! Now I'm in the story too! :pockets the dollar:

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 02, 2005, 12:06:39 am
LMNO
you are just amazing
can I keep you?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on April 02, 2005, 03:33:53 am
Yeah. You do a suspiciously good aini...





 :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 02, 2005, 09:16:42 am
this is either the fifth or 6th page and i feel like saying,afte readint eh alst 2 or 3 parts half backwards, cheers good sir. i owe you three beers. and you owe me two. i was a fedora wearign dick first, but yours is funnier, so we're even by minus one for me.

yuo have also inspired me to get working on my epic of extremely ginfuckingantic proportions story.  so far i've drawn a map. yay!

but yes, shoudlw e ever fidn oruselves in pphysical locality, i will shvoe a beer or soemthign equally ro greaterly alcoholic down your throat at my expense. don't maek it too good or i'll have to get you drunk. and that jsu twouldn;t do. or soemthing.

man oh man, am i way too sober for my own good. soemone fedex me a bowl please.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on April 02, 2005, 09:05:52 pm
Fabulous story, you are truly brilliant, more so than I had already suspected.  The first installment I had a migrain, so it has taken me until now to catch up.   Wonderful story, you should think about publishing.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 12:04:16 am
Thanks for all the positive feedback here.

I feel so loved...

And pressure, too...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 04, 2005, 12:18:40 am
Quote
Thanks for all the positive feedback here.

I feel so loved...

And pressure, too...


Oh, sorry...:takes LMNO's head out of the clamps:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 04, 2005, 01:49:53 am
Quote from: LMNO
Thanks for all the positive feedback here.

I feel so loved...

And pressure, too...


if it takes the pressure off...

these really sucked man, your lack of orthodox grammar structure, uncouth charachter development and overuse of sexual references is appalling. never midn the coloured text. no self respectign author woudl use coloured text. you sir, are obviously nto fit to hold a pen. here is a piece of sidewalk chalk. go stand with those other folks who cannot write.


lol  :P
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 01:52:15 am
Sweet.  I needed that.  Thanks a bunch.



6 pages, and no insults until now?  I mean really, people....
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 04, 2005, 01:54:30 am
Sorry...no insults today, I'm fresh out.

::sniffs around::

Do I smell cookies?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 01:59:33 am
Nope, that's just pie...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 04, 2005, 02:01:59 am
Is is soft chocolate chip pie?
 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 02:06:18 am
Please, don't think I have forgotten our agreement.  Keep an eye on the Post....
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 04, 2005, 02:09:46 am
Will do.  :D

Yesterday I was like "oh shit what if they already came and they've been sitting in the mailbox all this time!" because I usually only check it like twice a week due to my crazy school schedule, but *phew* and what had arrived was my Department of Peace swag....you want a bumpersticker?



 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 02:36:38 am
(http://img115.exs.cx/img115/2214/megadethpeacesellsbutwhosbuyin.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 04, 2005, 02:43:02 am
:?:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 03:23:19 am
Quote from: agent compassion
:?:


Okidoki... the pic is probably fuzzy...

It's the Megadeth album "Peace Sells... But Who's Buying?"
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 04, 2005, 10:10:13 am
LMNO- this RAWx0rS!!!!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 01:52:02 pm
Editor's Note:  LMNO is currently being put to work on an extremely boring and tedious bit of litigation.  The reason this affects you, dear reader, is that he will be temporarily be unable to continue the Exciting Icelandic Saga-- um, that is, the Gripping Detective Novel that is "LMNO-PI".  We apologize for the delay, and assure you, dear reader, that this story is in no way over.  Why, we haven't gotten to the Caffeinatrixx, or the Triple Doom Oracles, or the Haiku battels, or the Scrabbleists!  Not to mention the exciting conclusion...  Actually, we're just hoping it's exciting, since we have no idea how this is going to turn out....
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Great Teacher Largo on April 04, 2005, 02:01:35 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Editor's Note:  LMNO is currently being put to work on an extremely boring and tedious bit of litigation.  The reason this affects you, dear reader, is that he will be temporarily be unable to continue the Exciting Icelandic Saga-- um, that is, the Gripping Detective Novel that is "LMNO-PI".  We apologize for the delay, and assure you, dear reader, that this story is in no way over.  Why, we haven't gotten to the Caffeinatrixx, or the Triple Doom Oracles, or the Haiku battels, or the Scrabbleists!  Not to mention the exciting conclusion...  Actually, we're just hoping it's exciting, since we have no idea how this is going to turn out....


Readers demand the Caffeinatrixx...  at LMNO's convenience.

I love it.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on April 04, 2005, 03:26:30 pm
Quote from: LMNO
(http://img115.exs.cx/img115/2214/megadethpeacesellsbutwhosbuyin.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)


\m/

dude...how did you know what I was listening to this morning?

"whaddaya mean I don't pay my taxes? Why do you think I'm broke?"
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 04, 2005, 03:30:52 pm
Quote from: Se?or Misterioso

\m/

dude...how did you know what I was listening to this morning?



I have my ways, and my spies....  The ELF has infiltrated the NSRA...



Again.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 06, 2005, 09:41:08 am
Quote from: LMNO
Quote from: Se?or Misterioso

\m/

dude...how did you know what I was listening to this morning?



I have my ways, and my spies....  The ELF has infiltrated the NSRA...



Again.


Thanks for spilling those beans.....

But I believe you are a little too late.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 07, 2005, 09:19:13 pm
Stickied for your convenience.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 07, 2005, 09:20:31 pm
RAH! Now the glorious saga is safe from the jaws of autolock yes?

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on April 07, 2005, 09:32:32 pm
It would be, except that The Mgt turned quietly turned the auto-lock off a couple of weeks ago. And I've been quietly unlocking all the threads for a while now. But this still deserves to be a sticky.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on April 07, 2005, 10:11:23 pm
ha!

victory is OURS!!!!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 08, 2005, 06:11:26 am
Quote from: Se?or Misterioso
ha!

victory is OURS!!!!


Or Roger's.

I tend to see it as Roger's.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 11, 2005, 01:36:20 pm
Getting back into the car, Erin asked, So now what?

Now we go to the place your phone originated.  Somewhere in that bit of code was its Location of Origin.  Those kinds of devices tend to have Meta Code built into it, so any one line of code contains up to 23 other aspects of the program.

And that Troll was able to read that?

Yeah.  Aini may be fucking annoying, but she has her uses.  Sometimes.  But I try not to push it.

ĶAnd it came from a Coffee Shop?  No, wait, let me guessĶ Its actually a transdimensional Communist Dojo actively engaged in bringing down the Establishment.

Actually, thats more the NSRAs style.

The what?

New Soviet Red Army.  Im not willing to get them involved yet.  You know things are going poorly when you need to get them involved.  Kinda like killing a mosquito with a bazooka.

ĶBut, a coffee shop.

It really does seem ridiculous, doesnt it?  But these quasi-bohemian college-lifestyle hangouts really are the best places for breeding dissent, and for staging unpredictable acts of subversion.  What Cop is going to be able, not only to fit in, but to be able to sift through the conversations going on in one of those places and figure out which ones are flights of fancy, which ones are honest plots, and which ones are coded messages?

But LMNO, you seem to know these places pretty well.  You even seem to be friendly with some of these people.  And you say my phone came from there?

Technically, yes, according to Aini.  But all she really knew was what home base the phone was programmed to report.  And since theres no screening policy at the shop, and they have public computer accessĶ  Well, theres no telling who could have been there.

Ah.  Hey, Erin motioned to the dank streets and storefronts of The City.  We just passed the StarbucksĶ

You are aware, of course, that coffee is not a trademarked beverage, yes?

No.

As it turns out, marketing material aside, Starbucks doesnt own coffee, nor the practice of making it.  I swear, usually I joke about Illuminati plots and the Starbucks conspiracy, but when they were able to successfully outbid and out-brand virtually all other coffee companies, I wasnt so sure.  Suffice it to say, any current alternative coffee places are Underground.

Like the Bar we were just at?

Well, not so underground.  The place isnt conscious, and its open to the public.  But its run by a very stern mistress:  The Caffeinatrixx.

We pulled up to a freshly-painted monstrosity of concrete inside the University Row District.  The beams and rebar the contractors used in this section of the city were of such poor quality, they started folding in on themselves almost immediately.  The precise angles, meant to relax and mentally stimulate, were horrible to contemplate now, and produced such headaches of anyone looking at them for too long that the college dropout rate eventually became 100%.  The hum of human activity inside the building compared to the barren street would be welcoming to even the most claustrophobic sociophobe.  We stepped inside before the psychotecture became too much.

Inside, the air was thick with exotic cigarette smoke and the rich smell of roasting coffee.  There were hundreds of people here, sitting at small tables, some trying to pose as sophisticated intellects, others trying their best to stay awake, their eyes skittering to and fro, their fingers twitching slightly.

Erin grabbed my arm, and leaned in close, her perfume cutting through the atmosphere of the coffee shop, making me dizzy, thinking about rope swings, and summer ponds.  What the hell is that?

I looked in the direction she was pointing.  At first glance, it was a woman.  A beautiful woman, bound by a black leather corset and a mini skirt.  But then a second look revealed the differences: From her head sprouted two cat ears, and poking out beneath her skirt was a tail that swished lightly in the air as if testing the environment for prey.  She was talking to a small table of people, and when she smiled, you could see the needle point of her razor sharp teeth.  But cat ears and a tail werent the oddest things about her.  When she moved, it became obvious that her knees bent in the opposite direction, much like a cat standing on its hind legs.  Thats Malaul.  The Caffeinatrixx, I said.  Her ears twitched in my direction, and she turned.

Scowling, she stalked over to us, a growl in her throat.  She flexed her fingers, and claws extended from where her fingernails should have been.

Maybe this wasnt such a good idea, I saidĶ
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 11, 2005, 04:49:50 pm
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:

:wonders what would happen if the NSRA got into the story:

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 11, 2005, 05:12:50 pm
one thing thats funny to me about the Illumiati thing is that some of the starbucks have this one decorating scheme where there is a pyramid and eye in it
Ill see if i can find a pic for you


L - I cant wait to see what happens next


::swishes tail::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 11, 2005, 05:19:12 pm
Quote from: Malaul



L - I cant wait to see what happens next


::swishes tail::



Yeah, me neither.  Glad to see my pineal glan's back in action, though.

And AC-- you never can tell what the NSRA's gonna do....
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 11, 2005, 05:24:09 pm
8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on April 11, 2005, 07:27:07 pm
Woohoo!

LMNO, I have to say, I go away for a bit and this thing gets good. I mean, really really good. The Aini thing was inspired.

Or it may suck like a whorish Dyson, if that's what keeps you writing :mrgreen:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 11, 2005, 07:35:07 pm
Ye gods, the Aini thing was exhausting.  I'm not sure why.  I had to take a week off after writing that.

Praise and Flaming are both encouraged.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on April 11, 2005, 09:06:55 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Ye gods, the Aini thing was exhausting.  I'm not sure why.  I had to take a week off after writing that.

Praise and Flaming are both encouraged.

It's hilarious and gruesome all at the same time, does that help?  You are a keen observer of humans and human nature, which takes you far and you are able to convey that very well in your writing.  Holy shit, that sounded like a review, didn't do that on purpose, I swear, you can use it if you want :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on April 11, 2005, 10:18:37 pm
Quote from: LMNO

And AC-- you never can tell what the NSRA's gonna do....


I can.

just saying.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 12, 2005, 12:57:33 am
Well, I'd expect YOU to know what it's doing...

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 12, 2005, 05:45:41 am

lmno pwns us all
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Great Teacher Largo on April 12, 2005, 06:41:42 am
I'm still waiting for my death scene.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 12, 2005, 06:54:19 am
::listens::

Nope. Thought someone was talking, but it must have just been a mosquito farting...

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on April 12, 2005, 08:49:25 am
Quote from: LMNO

New Soviet Red Army.  Im not willing to get them involved yet.  You know things are going poorly when you need to get them involved.  Kinda like killing a mosquito with a bazooka.


ONE TIME! I do it once and everyone thinks its standard procedure!

But its really going well, I'm glad to have caught up on it.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 12, 2005, 10:08:04 am
complete fuckin tripe!

keep up the awful work! :mrgreen:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 02:18:28 pm
I lost it.


The entire next chapter.


FUCK MICROSOFT WORD, FUCK THIS SUBSTANDARD COMPUTER THEY'VE MOVED ME TO, AND FUCK JOHN HANCOCK!



AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!



I FUCKING HATE HAVING TO DUPICATE A PIECE OF WRITING!

It always sounds way too forced, and i always feel like i'm missing something.





Fuck.

I guess Eris didn't like that chapter.  But I sure as shit did.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 12, 2005, 03:55:04 pm
el em en oh you make me sing the alphabet song every time i see your name.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 03:56:14 pm
::calms down a bit::

Thanks, happy noodle.  I'll see if i can hack together something during lunch.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 12, 2005, 04:21:40 pm
Quote from: LMNO
I lost it.


The entire next chapter.


FUCK MICROSOFT WORD, FUCK THIS SUBSTANDARD COMPUTER THEY'VE MOVED ME TO, AND FUCK JOHN HANCOCK!



AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!



I FUCKING HATE HAVING TO DUPICATE A PIECE OF WRITING!

It always sounds way too forced, and i always feel like i'm missing something.





Fuck.

I guess Eris didn't like that chapter.  But I sure as shit did.


i feel your pain dude.

or maybe that's the aftermath of that toabsco shot...  :?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 12, 2005, 04:23:52 pm
tobasco shot!? is that tobasco and alcohol, or just tobasco???
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 04:24:31 pm
Um, anything other than tabasco in that tabasco shot?

And why not use Franks, or Crystal?  Them's preferrable, to me.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 12, 2005, 04:30:12 pm
n o dude. :/

the foru or five shots of monte alban ought amake up for that, but soemhow, uh

the fact that rubbed my eyes after makes it all worse. el oh el.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 12, 2005, 04:30:43 pm
i love tobasco. hooray
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on April 12, 2005, 04:31:43 pm
Quote from: horab fibslager
the fact that rubbed my eyes after makes it all worse. el oh el.


Owwww :shock:  :x
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 04:32:31 pm
Horab, have you tried putting a few drops of hot sauce in each shot of monte alban (I love that stuff.  no one else will drink it with me, though)?


Sorry that you accidentally maced yourself...  Unless you stuck your fingers in yr eyes on purpose, which is simply hardcore.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 12, 2005, 04:36:48 pm
yeah i did on purpose to stop the tears. lol.

i liked the monte straight up.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 04:37:57 pm
You eat the worm yet?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 12, 2005, 05:00:13 pm
not my bottle.

when a waitress says come in for a beer and a chat on monday, she's actually saying i want to take the food off your plate so you can giv eme 39$ so i in turn can say you gave me 32.

oddly she lives a street up and over.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 05:03:41 pm
LMNO stumbled, not being able to follow the turn of that last comment.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 12, 2005, 05:09:11 pm
she literally lives the street up and over.

/me points vaguely.

the owner of my pub pointed it outont eh way home. when it became clear she had taken me to the cleaners, he gave me a ride home.


the waitress that is.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 05:12:26 pm
That wasn't very nice of her.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 12, 2005, 05:16:54 pm
probaly not, but i made 100$ off the tobasco shot, mreo ro less. so, didn't turn out to bad. also one of the waitress's fromd denny's came by which was cool.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 05:18:54 pm
I quite enjoy filling in the gaps of your posts myself.  mezcal, tobasco, rip-off waitresses, $100 profit, Dennys Waitresses...


::jots down notes for ongoing discordian porn movie script::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on April 12, 2005, 05:26:29 pm
Quote from: LMNO
I lost it.


The entire next chapter.


FUCK MICROSOFT WORD, FUCK THIS SUBSTANDARD COMPUTER THEY'VE MOVED ME TO, AND FUCK JOHN HANCOCK!



AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!



I FUCKING HATE HAVING TO DUPICATE A PIECE OF WRITING!

It always sounds way too forced, and i always feel like i'm missing something.





Fuck.

I guess Eris didn't like that chapter.  But I sure as shit did.

Look for temp files, some of it is likely saved somewhere, send me a PM if you need more help :idea:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 12, 2005, 05:27:19 pm
Quote from: Scribe
ONE TIME! I do it once and everyone thinks its standard procedure!


But the point is, you got the mosquito - didn't you?

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 05:30:15 pm
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: LMNO
I lost it.


The entire next chapter.


FUCK MICROSOFT WORD, FUCK THIS SUBSTANDARD COMPUTER THEY'VE MOVED ME TO, AND FUCK JOHN HANCOCK!



AAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHH!



I FUCKING HATE HAVING TO DUPICATE A PIECE OF WRITING!

It always sounds way too forced, and i always feel like i'm missing something.





Fuck.

I guess Eris didn't like that chapter.  But I sure as shit did.

Look for temp files, some of it is likely saved somewhere, send me a PM if you need more help :idea:



[Polanski]
Forget it, Eldora.  It's Chinatown.
[/Polanski]

Company wide malfunction.  all files corrupt.  ACCESS DENIED.  etc etc.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 12, 2005, 05:31:43 pm
::huuuuuuuuuuugs::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on April 12, 2005, 05:47:32 pm
Quote from: LMNO


[Polanski]
Forget it, Eldora.  It's Chinatown.
[/Polanski]

Company wide malfunction.  all files corrupt.  ACCESS DENIED.  etc etc.

Yuck.  I am so glad my office isn't big enough for that nonsense.  Let me know if there is anything I can do.  If you have your own PC, you may have some scraps left on your own hard drive.  If you just have a terminal, with everything on a mainframe, you're probably fux0red.  Man, I did an internship for NOAA, but mostly, I learned how to play cribbage because the system was down so much.  Seriously, though, let me know if there is anything I can do.  Your story is worthy. :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 06:06:45 pm
Editor's Note:  Due to a cataclysmic malfunction, today's  chapter of "LMNO-PI" has been forced to reduce it's normal word count by half.  Rest assured, dear reader, that future chapters will be as abundant as ever.  And now, on with the story.












Where the FUCK have you been?

Malaul crossed the final three yards between us with one bound, and she was up in my face.  You think you can just walk in here, after slipping a way like that--

Hi, Mal, I--

Dont give me any of your sweet talk, L!  I know you too good for that.  Dont think you can just waltz in hereĶ MrurrrrrrrĶ  Quicker than a blink, she grabbed me, pulled me to her, and kissed me.  

She smelled like the desert, rich with heat, with the ever-looming sense of danger, and death.  She tasted like chocolate and coffee.  Her claws dug into my back, and her tail wrapped around my leg.  Ill never get used to that tail, I thought.  I eased back into the kiss, like a song you only remember at dawn.  Her rough tongue lapped at me, as I did my best to avoid cutting myself on her teeth.

Abruptly, she let me go, and I stumbled, trying to catch my breath, and my balance.  Malaul had noticed Erin, and her eyes narrowed into slits.  Uh oh.  

L, she breathed.  dont tell me you brought one of your new sluts into this place, after al this time.  Her sharp teeth glinted in the light.

Erin glared back.  Look, whoever-you-are.  No one calls me a slut and gets away with it.

Malaul laughed, and swiped at Erins face, her claws missing by a centimeter.  Erin flinched; Malaul smiled.  We can settle this right here, bitch.  We can charge admission as everyone watches me tear strips from your skin.  Wont be the first time.

I decided it was time to step in.  Mal.  Mal.  Shes a client.  Im on a case.

The hell you are.

Seriously.  This is Erin.  Erin, Malaul, the Caffeinatrixx.  Mal, Erin has been getting strange calls, and her phone just turned into a face-raping bat an hour ago.  I took a chance, and reached up to scratch Malaul behind the ears.  Her claws withdrew to wherever they go.  

MurrrĶ So why are you here?"

Over at the Open Bar, Aini said that the phone was directed to go here.  Probably from one of the open terminals.  At Ainis name, Malauls ears flattened back, and she scowled.  

And you believe her.  Hmph.  Well, I guess thats the risk you run when you run an open source caf?.  The logs are in the back.  You two want something to drink while you wait?

Espresso, with a splash of grappa.  Erin?

Just plain coffee, please.  Black.

Malaul laughed.  Honey, in here, its never plain.  She walked to the end of the caf?, gliding in only the way a woman whose knees bend backward can.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 12, 2005, 07:47:27 pm
:shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:  :shock:


my my my

can I just say again how much i LIKE this story?


Murrrr Indeed
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 12, 2005, 07:49:29 pm
Im gonna condense the story into one post ok?
so we can all reay dit stright through
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 07:51:07 pm
Do as you see fit, darlin'...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on April 12, 2005, 08:13:54 pm
uh ohh....the chapter with OB is missing... :shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2005, 08:15:13 pm
(it's a conspiracy)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 12, 2005, 08:16:30 pm
Quote from: Pope T.Mangrove xvii
uh ohh....the chapter with OB is missing... :shock:
are you serious?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 12, 2005, 08:18:47 pm
sorry...i ate it
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on April 12, 2005, 08:26:11 pm
<hugs Mal>

i found it! i found it!   :D

<happy bar dance>
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 13, 2005, 12:06:39 pm
Quote from: The Open Bar
<hugs Mal>

i found it! i found it!   :D

<happy bar dance>


::stabs the bar::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 13, 2005, 01:42:23 pm
Watching Malaul disappear behind the swinging doors of the Caf?'s kitchen, Erin turned to me and said, "You seem to know her quite well."

"Well, Mal was the original and Lead Tantrist involved in creating the Open Bar.  I met her just before she started work on that.  She's spent much of her life exploring the various sensual disciplines, like Tantra, Taoist sexual techniques, the Kama Sutra, Thelemite sex magic, and the like.  The Hackers were lucky to find her.  That was one of the last projects she did before the change."

"Projects?  Change?"

"Well, as it turns out, after years of practice and personal fulfillment, Malaul decided to share with the world.  She had so much excess Kundalini energy, she dedicated herself to, essentially, recharge humanity's Orgone batteries.  The Hackers convinced her to use that extra energy in constructing the Bar.  Soon after that, she went in for genetic body modification."

"..."

"Yeah, you didn't think all that was simply prosthetics, or grafted on, did you?  That goes down to the genetic level.  As it turns out, when you alter your DNA, the chakras move as well, and the act of raising Kundalini changes.  Mal was thrilled, for she had new worlds to explore."

"So why is all of this taking place in... well, places like this?"

"I figure it's half a joke.  The whole college/university/bohemian thing not only creates a relaxed environment for the participants, but what Cop in their right mind is going to try to monitor a coffeehouse like this, and attempt to filter out what's a real conspiracy, what's simply stream-of-thought bullshit, and what is actually coded messages?  It adds a level of security, all neatly wrapped up in unpredictable chaos.  You can't get a better system of disinformation that a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals sitting around getting jacked up on coffee."

Through the din and the crowd, I could see Malaul walking back with our drinks.  Setting them down, she said, "Well, I hate to admit it, but Aini's right.  Whoever was using the terminals tried to hide their tracks, but I think I can get some information out of it.  I'll get one of my boys to work on it."  She glanced at me, and turned her head towards Erin.  "Sorry about all that earlier.  You know how it is."

Erin smiled thinly.  "I suppose."

"Oh, don't be like that."  Malaul looked Erin up and down slowly, and arched an impossible eyebrow.  "You know, L," she said, never taking her eyes of Erin, "I have a few... experiments... in back that I'm sure both you and... Erin would be interested in."

"Tempting, Mal, but she really is a client.  Maybe next time?"

She sighed.  "I suppose.  You just stay here, and enjoy your coffee.  I'll send a boy out when the information surfaces."  Malaul walked back to the end of the caf?, catching the eyes of several patrons along the way, and disappeared in the crowd.  Erin sipped her coffee.

"My god!"

"I know.  It's almost criminal to have something this good."

"Starbucks should be burnt to the ground."

"Don't think it hasn't been tried by the Church of Foamy."

Just then, the door burst open, and dozens of people spilled in the door, making a hell of a racket, carrying bottles of rum and whiskey.  They were mostly unkempt, disheveled, drunk, and had a crazed look in their eyes.  They ran for a corner, and began chanting, "A challenge!  Hear, hear!  Who now wants to challenge us!  They shall be destroyed!"  The Caf?'s  other customers began giving them room, some hastily grabbing cups of their precious coffee and trying their hardest not to be noticed.

I stood up.  "We better move somewhere a little quieter."

"What's the matter?"

"Didn't you hear that?  5-7-5.  They're starting a Haiku Battle."

The yelling intensified, and I noticed more then a few of them looking at us.  Too late, I thought.  The chant shifted.  "It's LMNO!  You should know better than that, to come back in here!"  They streamed out , forming a rough circle around us.  I turned to Erin.  "Sit tight, and keep your head down, this may get messy."

I slowly turned in a circle, until I found the greasy-haired degenerate I was looking for.  "Hello Paul.  What's this?  A glutton for punishment?  I don't have all day."

The crowd cheered.  The Battle was on.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 13, 2005, 05:14:59 pm
Oh ye Gods, a haiku battle....

::dies laughing::

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on April 13, 2005, 07:15:14 pm
Quote from: agent compassion

Oh ye Gods,

a haiku battle....

::dies laughing::

 8)

I fixed the spacing
for you and I can hardly
wait to see what's next :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 13, 2005, 09:14:56 pm
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: agent compassion

Oh ye Gods,

a haiku battle....

::dies laughing::

 8)

I fixed the spacing
for you and I can hardly
wait to see what's next :twisted:


the most raunchy tripe of a cliche in all my 4 days as a anti esteemist crtici!
-10stars outta ten!

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on April 13, 2005, 11:50:16 pm
fantastic....it's like 8-Mile with geeks.

 :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 14, 2005, 12:36:39 am
Quote
.it's like 8-Mile with geeks.


::rises from the dead,
sees Mang's quip and falls down dead
again, holy crap::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on April 14, 2005, 12:46:38 am
Quote from: agent compassion
Quote
.it's like 8-Mile with geeks.


::rises from the dead,
sees Mang's quip and falls down dead
again, holy crap::


<revives AC by waving freshly ground espresso under her nose>

oh yeah...it's that strong.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 14, 2005, 12:58:18 am
Phew....thank gods you used the stuff I make the fnords with, Mang, otherwise I mighta been dead forever...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 14, 2005, 01:51:46 pm
The historical tradition of Haiku Battle dates back to when the intelligentsia were blacklisted by Government, inc.  Over-educated and under-employed, grad students, MENSA candidates (the society itself was outlawed and driven underground in '07), and previously tenured professors fell through the cracks; and like any marginalized and underprivileged social group, soon tribalized and turned rogue.  In the beginning, they were still unaccustomed to violence, and settled on spontaneous haiku to work out any confrontations.  Several years toughened them up, however, and now the haiku were merely preambles to savage beatings, and occasionally death.  Paul was their current leader, and a fairly sharp poet.  I was going to have to play this one carefully.

The crowd traditionally called out the topics.  I sized them up, trying to see what disciplines they were leaning toward.  I soon found out:  "Irrational Numbers!" a scrawny kid with glasses shouted out.  Paul cleared his throat, and began:

"An endless number,
Square root of negative one.
Math is for the birds."

The crowd murmured appreciatively.  Well, at least they chose an easy one to start with, I thought.  I said:

"They do not exist
Except inside our own minds.
Magic, to be sure."

Silence.  Then a brutish thug of a Classics professor wielding a bat stepped up, and calmly swung hard into Paul's shoulder.  Paul didn't flinch, but you could see the rage in his eyes.  After all, he was used to this, and while I may have crossed paths with him once or twice, he did this for fun.  A young woman stepped forward.  "Mayflies," she uttered, and stepped back.  It was my turn to begin this time.  Mayflies?

"Pesky little beast.
More than one hand can deal with.
Where's the flyswatter?"

Guffaws erupted from the mob.  Shit.  A dread-locked English Lit grad student shouted, "He ended with a preposition!  He ended with a preposition!"  Paul, with an evil grin, puffed his chest out, and said:

"It lives for one day.
An Eternity for them;
For us, a moment."

Ok, that was pretty good, I thought, as Paul grabbed the neck of a rum bottle and swung it at my head, catching me directly in the mouth.  My lip split wide open, blood splattering the faces of a few nearby Pure Math hoodlums, who giggled psychotically.  I felt a tooth loosen, and the room grew dim.  A moment later, the pain caught up with the trauma, and I found myself on the floor, with Paul's boot trying to make a soft spot in the back of my head.  It took a couple of Latin students to pull Paul off-- After all, there was one more haiku before the melee could really begin.  A delinquent Philosophy professor spoke up.  "The history of the Universe."  Paul was quick to speak up this time.  A total ringer.  What a crock.  Total set up, I thought groggily.

"There was a big bang.
Heat, and light, and life, and death.
We go to the void."

I was still down on one knee, and I could hear the cracking of knuckles as the crowd tensed up, ready to go to work.  My lip was essentially useless.  How could I even speak, let alone think of a decent haiku right now?  I just hope I can make it through the beating.  I tried to relax my mind and my body, preparing for the inevitable.  

I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, and a smell like the forest on an early October morning.  Erin stood next to me, squared her shoulders, and cried out:

"Chaos; then order.
We make all these things happen.
Order; then chaos."

A few gasps ricocheted through the crowd.  Paul stood, stunned.  "You... you can't substitute," he stammered, breaking form.  "That's not the rules."

"Bullshit," I said, getting to my feet, trying to speak through the blood and loose tissue.  "I know the rules as well as you.  Substitutes allowed if they're willing to take the punishment as well."

"Fuck you, Mr. LMNO.  You're not getting away from me."  Paul curled his hand up into a fist and walked forward.  "And the bitch is gonna get hers too, you better believe... Urk," Paul stopped, and looked down at the sword that just sprouted from his chest.  With a blur, the sword disappeared, leaving a bloody hole.  In an instant, Paul's right arm dropped to the floor.  Screaming, Paul wheeled around, just as the sword ripped through his stomach, spilling his intestines onto the floor at the feet of a tall man with a cigarette dangling from his mouth.  He looked around at the crowd.

"yuo knwo teh ruels.  L geos free.  Adn I buy ihm a drnik."

I stared.  "Horab?  What are you doing with these freaks?"

"Latre.  Let's get taht faec of yuors fixde."
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on April 14, 2005, 02:17:46 pm
I'm so dead in the future, I suck at haikus.... :(
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 14, 2005, 02:24:41 pm
Better start practicing...

::points to haiku thread::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on April 14, 2005, 02:28:14 pm
Practice goes against everything I stand for.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 14, 2005, 02:47:53 pm
It's ok, you can sit down.  I'm not picky...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on April 14, 2005, 02:59:38 pm
Quote from: LMNO
It's ok, you can sit down.  I'm not picky...


Good, my knees were starting to hurt.  Never try a reverse turning jumping kick without a warmup.... :shock:  :evil:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 14, 2005, 03:18:39 pm
Hell, I wouldn't try it even with a warm up.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on April 14, 2005, 03:19:58 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Hell, I wouldn't try it even with a warm up.


I wanted to see if I could still do it.  As I turned into the jump I remembered I could never do it.  And now I remember why I decided to never do it again.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 14, 2005, 06:03:58 pm
And now horab's in there too...

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 14, 2005, 07:06:05 pm
Quote from: Sheikh al Jebel
I'm so dead in the future, I suck at haikus.... :(


well ya know i better get a sword practsin here.  :shock:

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on April 15, 2005, 03:35:56 am
Quote from: i have no more childhood?
Quote from: Sheikh al Jebel
I'm so dead in the future, I suck at haikus.... :(


well ya know i better get a sword practsin here.  :shock:

 :lol:


Yeah, I was thinking, "Who here would have a sword?"  Then I couldn't stop laughing
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2005, 02:00:09 pm
We made our way to a table, where a busboy, dressed only in tight jeans and an apron, was waiting with a bucket of ice and some gauze.  Mal knows how to dress up the help, I thought.  Horab and Erin made their introductions, and then he turned to me and said, "Yuo shuold knwo bteter tahn to mess wthi thsoe guys."

It was still painful to talk.  "Yeah.  I know.  Still, how..."

"I was in teh sotry next door, lokoign for my satrt button, adn word caem dwon form teh zebra that j0 were haedign to teh Caf?.  I herad yuo had a new caes, so I deicedd to see how j0 were doign.  On my wya donw, I ran itno the Savage Intelletculas, and we all sotr of tumbeld in togehter.  Good thign, too.  Yuo're not taht good at haiku, are j0?"

"Shut it.  I was doing fine."

"If yuor plan was to get codl clokced and have this lovley peice of wrok," he motioned to Erin, who nodded her head at the compliment, "come adn saev yuor ass, tehn it went off wihtout a hicth."

Erin spoke up.  "There was one hitch, actually.  I believe it's called 'murder'?"

"Don't wrory.  Those guy sfell off teh grid years ago.  Not olny do tehy hold no statsu positoins in scoiety, a few of tehm are Abbie Hoffman disipcles, and nkow how to dukc teh systme, so tehre's nohting to track.  So L, excatly what are j0 wroking on?"

I did my best to relate the story so far through my busted lip, with Erin providing most of the details.  After he was caught up, Horab looked thoughtful.  "Yuo siad Erin got a traot card?"

"Yeah."

"Well, why haevn't j0 gon eto see teh Triple Oracle?  It wuold maek sense, rihgt?"

"I haven't gone, because it's always about doom with them.  Remember?"

"Get ovre it, L.  Evenutally, it's awlays abuot doom.  Anywya, they colud probbaly keep pointign j0 in the rigth diretcion.  And yuo can get good infromation, proivded yuo haev an in.  And I heav an in."

"Who?"

"Dind't j0 hear?  I'm srot of marired to oen of their dauhgters.  Let me go adn try to find her.  I tohught she'd be here, somehwere..."  Horab trailed off, stood up, and wandered off deeper into the Caf?, which had more or less returned to normal, save for the two handsome baristas who were given the unenviable task of cleaning up Horab's mess.

"Did he say a 'zebra' told him where you were?"  Erin looked like she was just about out of patience with all this.  "I'll tell you, L, this is all getting pretty weird.  And what's with his accent?"

"That's just the way he talks.  Truth be told, sometimes I don't know what the hell he's talking about sometimes.  But he's a solid guy, and (when he's not killing people) he's good for a few laughs."

"He sounds like a nut job."

"Look around you.  Look at the City.  Look at what became of our country.  You should believe me when I say that Horab is merely synchronized with the times at hand."

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye.  Malaul was coming back to the table with a ream of paper.  She scowled when she saw my face.  "What did you do now?"

"It wasn't me.  I was drawn into a Haiku battle, and Horab had to kill Paul."

"Yeah, right.  So, where's he now?"  Malaul glanced over at the corpse removal job, and let out a small hiss.  

"He said he was going to look for his... sort-of wife?"

"You mean Hoshiko?  She's at the gaming tables, as usual."

I stared.  "Hoshiko?  And Horab?  Is that even possible?"

Malaul gave a wan smile, and shoved more ice into my face.  "Hush.  They did it as a joke, but it kind of caught on.  They're sort-of married, sort-of divorced, and entirely independent of each other."

"...Whatever you say.  So, what have you got for me?"

"The information was encrypted, but that didn't take too long to crack.  The problem is that the info itself is in code, or something...  Have a look."

The first few lines of the top page of the stack of papers read:

TOWER TOWER TOWER TOWER TOWER SIXTEEN16SIXTEEN16 TOWER NOD TOWER NOD 16XVISIXTEEN TOWER TOWER TOWER NEZTACH SIXTEEN...

"Now this," Malaul said, pointing to the page, "is at least somewhat familiar.  I think "Neztach" is Hebrew, and it's connected with Tarot through the Tree of Life."

I sighed.  "Looks like I'll have to track down the Oracles of Doom, for sure.  Because Erin was sent the Tower card, as well."

Malaul let out a low whistle.  "Well, you'll need some help getting them.  You better hope Horab finds Hoshiko."

"Is she still..."

"Yeah.  You know what they say.  Once a Scrabblist, always a Scrabblist."
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 15, 2005, 06:27:14 pm
I know how to undress the help just as well as dress


I betcha a genticly modified cat would help heal wounds L is she kissed em and made it all better
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2005, 06:37:15 pm
Admit it, Mal.  You just want to lap fresh blood from my mouth.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 15, 2005, 06:55:16 pm
like thats any secret
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2005, 07:02:49 pm
:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on April 17, 2005, 03:56:44 am
Scrabble and online accents!  :lol:

And it's weird, but it's easier for me to read horab than you writing as him.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on April 17, 2005, 10:55:45 am
Better and better!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 18, 2005, 03:00:10 am
Quote from: Altoid Addict
Scrabble and online accents!  :lol:

And it's weird, but it's easier for me to read horab than you writing as him.

i agree dude. when people try to type like me, their making one fatal mistake...

they're trying.    lol

gave me a rofl tho.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Burning Trees on April 20, 2005, 11:41:01 am
You do have distinctive typing, horab.


And people said that the keyboard would destroy individuality in writing!

Puhlease.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 20, 2005, 01:07:36 pm
Yeah, I couldn't really get the feel of it down.

If you'd be willing, horab, I could PM you your dialogue, and you could re-type it for me, and then we could insert it in the relevant sections.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 20, 2005, 05:59:52 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Yeah, I couldn't really get the feel of it down.

If you'd be willing, horab, I could PM you your dialogue, and you could re-type it for me, and then we could insert it in the relevant sections.


if you want to , but you oughta have noticed by now that my spelling is compeltely spontaneous dude.

as it stands it's a bit over the top but it works well int eh story. i especialyl lieked gutting that haikuist. take that you viloent intelctual!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 20, 2005, 06:02:03 pm
Yeah.  I think i messed up too many words.  

Ah well, in the published version, it can be cleaned up a bit.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Ghost In The Machine on April 20, 2005, 07:18:44 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Yeah.  I think i messed up too many words.  

Ah well, in the published version, it can be cleaned up a bit.


Eric?  Is that you?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 20, 2005, 07:22:45 pm
Try again, Rog.

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 22, 2005, 10:55:48 am
Quote from: LMNO
Try again, Rog.

 :lol:


WTF, mate?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 22, 2005, 02:19:42 pm
[exposition]

GitM was annoyed everyone thought he was Rog, so I was teasing him about that in another thread.  He decided (i think) to accuse me of being Eric.  So I kept the joke going, & called him Rog.

[/exposition]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 24, 2005, 09:17:34 pm
That clarifies that.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 24, 2005, 09:56:07 pm
i found the clarification rather confused the issue.

what day is this?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 24, 2005, 10:30:47 pm
Quote from: horab
i found the clarification rather confused the issue.

what day is this?


The same day as the one you asked about last week.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 24, 2005, 10:32:33 pm
Quote from: Irreverend Hugh, KSC
Quote from: horab
i found the clarification rather confused the issue.

what day is this?


The same day as the one you asked about last week.


are you sure this is thursday?

seems rather like a tuesdays to me.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 24, 2005, 10:36:14 pm
Quote from: horab
Quote from: Irreverend Hugh, KSC
Quote from: horab
i found the clarification rather confused the issue.

what day is this?


The same day as the one you asked about last week.


are you sure this is thursday?

seems rather like a tuesdays to me.


I am NOT sure.

I was just suggesting.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 24, 2005, 10:44:00 pm
well i suggest you eat a hot dog mr. peabody!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 24, 2005, 10:48:04 pm
Should I eat the hotdog and Mr. Peabody?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 25, 2005, 12:12:03 am
if that's yo thang

do waht ya wanna do
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on April 25, 2005, 08:48:24 am
Quote from: horab
if that's yo thang

do waht ya wanna do


I'll give it to cthulhu.

Shit! I mean, if cthulhu can't do it, who can? Right, adn shit?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 25, 2005, 04:51:18 pm
::searches for Muse::

Where the fuck did my motiviation for writing this damn thing go?


Ach.  I need a day off, or something.  I can't get my creative mind in gear.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on April 25, 2005, 06:32:21 pm
Quote from: LMNO
::searches for Muse::

Where the fuck did my motiviation for writing this damn thing go?


Ach.  I need a day off, or something.  I can't get my creative mind in gear.
You had a muse?  I was Pope Lou's muse for a minute, but I am a pain in the ass, but you can pay me in chocolate, but it has to be ghiridelli's or higher quality.   :D  

BOOBIES!!!!!

Feeling motivated yet? :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 25, 2005, 06:36:02 pm
If there was ever anything that would not make me focus on writing, it would be boobies.


::keeps looking::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on April 26, 2005, 09:22:52 pm
Quote from: LMNO
If there was ever anything that would not make me focus on writing, it would be boobies.


::keeps looking::



<the scrid hands LMNO a bus ticket and waves his tentacles in US standard sign language to explain that he must take to the road like Jack Kerouac and rediscover his mythical American landscape>
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on April 26, 2005, 10:23:40 pm
(http://www.kerouac.com/images/imagesnew/Route%2066%20-%2023.jpg) (http://www.thebeatmuseumonwheels.com)
The bus doesn't look the same though. :?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 03:43:30 pm
LMNO took out his knife, and carefully cut away his shadow.  Free from the pretentious windbag (finally!), LMNO's Shadow grabbed the tickets from the scrid, and lept aboard the bus, giving a final sillouetted finger to LMNO as the bus pulled out onto the highway.  LMNO looked on, fondly


::waves::

Well, maybe it'll come back with some inspiration.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 27, 2005, 03:49:42 pm
Quote from: Pope T.Mangrove xvii
Quote from: LMNO
If there was ever anything that would not make me focus on writing, it would be boobies.


::keeps looking::



<the scrid hands LMNO a bus ticket and waves his testicles in US standard sign language to explain that he must take to the road like Jack Kerouac and rediscover his mythical American landscape>


fixed that
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 03:52:48 pm
You corrected Mang?


Wow.



That takes some balls.







(sorry)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 27, 2005, 03:54:45 pm

you better get a'crackin'
drum boy
and get inspired
'cause i'm a gettin' peeved
at having to wait
for the next installment

you want me to start posting
lmno murders
in this thread too?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 03:55:38 pm
It's up to the Shadow, now...



But yes, I would love to see more creative ways for LMNO to die.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 27, 2005, 05:59:09 pm
Ill be youre muse


::does muse like things::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 06:04:09 pm
!!!!!
purplecrayonmoonbubblegumwithspanglesastrumpetspl ayanddogsbarkand-loverspartandgotheirseparatewaysandthemusicswllsthecurtainparts-GoddessHerselfflitsdownonwingmadeoftrashcanlidscarrying-puppiesandkittensandferretsandhotdogs--



Whoa!  Too many ideas, Mal!  Easy there!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 27, 2005, 06:08:23 pm
::kicks it up a notch::

TAKE THAT
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 06:11:24 pm
(http://img93.echo.cx/img93/8245/headexplodebig0qt.gif) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on April 27, 2005, 07:04:21 pm
:shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 07:05:29 pm
(notice the lack of a shadow in the above pic)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on April 27, 2005, 08:27:23 pm
Quote from: the white rabbit
As he entered the room within which so many a wild night of their sweltering love affair had been spent, the White Rabbit regarded her with benevolent eyes, her posture such that he suspected something was wrong, but before he could speak Alice unburied her face from her trembling hands and between her intense sobs he made out the words, "I'm late . . . I'm late."


Offered here to LMNO as a source of inspiration, may I present

the 2004 Dark and Stormy Night Winners (http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2004.htm)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 08:31:35 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
Quote from: the white rabbit
As he entered the room within which so many a wild night of their sweltering love affair had been spent, the White Rabbit regarded her with benevolent eyes, her posture such that he suspected something was wrong, but before he could speak Alice unburied her face from her trembling hands and between her intense sobs he made out the words, "I'm late . . . I'm late."


Offered here to LMNO as a source of inspiration, may I present

the 2004 Dark and Stormy Night Winners (http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2004.htm)



Ohh, it looks like I'm done with work today, as i read these.

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on April 27, 2005, 08:43:53 pm
Winner: Fantasy Fiction

Quote from: Sandra Millar
Gringran Roojner had only gone to see the Great Warlock of Loowith to get his horoscope and he couldn't believe he'd been sent on a quest for the legendary Scromer of Nothleen to ask him for the answer to the Riddle of Shimmererer so that he could give it to the Guardians of Vooroniank, thereby gaining access to the Cave of Zothlianath where he would find the seldom seen Cowering of Groojanc, whose spittle was an absolute necessity in the making of the Warlock's famous pound cake, the kind with raisins.
 
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 27, 2005, 08:45:08 pm
Dishonorable Mention - Detective Story

Quote
The knife handle jutted from her chest like one of the plastic pop-up timers in a frozen turkey, but from the blood pooling around the wound, it was apparent that this bird wasn't done.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on April 27, 2005, 09:14:12 pm
I sent one of those off for this year. We shall see if they like it or not. I tried to use every type of punctuation I could
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on April 27, 2005, 11:41:44 pm
<the scrid stands at the bus station, waving goodbye to LMNO's shadow with a small tear in his eye>

 <sighs>


   :(
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 28, 2005, 03:05:59 am

lmno murder #2


(http://img253.echo.cx/img253/2999/lmnomurder21km.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 28, 2005, 01:52:41 pm
Check it out, guys.  I got this telegram last night.  It's from my shadow.

Quote from: LMNO's Shadow
Hey, fucktard stop I've been tooling around with Neal Cassidy's ghost comma and don't have time to find your goddamn muse stop Think for yourself comma schmuck comma and stop blaming your laziness on the influence parenthesis or lack thereof end paranthesis on some anthropomorphized representation of creativity stop By the way comma I'm not coming back anytime soon stop So get cracking full stop




Well, I guess that tears it.  Another Chapter, coming right up!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 28, 2005, 01:54:47 pm
Quote from: fluffy

lmno murder #2


(http://img253.echo.cx/img253/2999/lmnomurder21km.jpg)


 :lol:

What's it say around the edge of the bass drum?

If I write another chapter, will you draw another death?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 28, 2005, 02:22:16 pm
Quote from: LMNO

What's it say around the edge of the bass drum?

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/gnimbley/drumset.jpg)

did you catch the buttons on your shirt?

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/gnimbley/lmnobuttons.jpg)
Quote from: LMNO

If I write another chapter, will you draw another death?


what makes you think i'm going to stop?

(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/gnimbley/bunnyhop.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 28, 2005, 03:57:32 pm
ĶWhats taking him so long? Erin asked.

Shaking my head slowly, I muttered, goddamn writers.  Think they can go on about their own business, and just leave us hanging.  The coffees going cold, and I think my ass has fallen asleep from sitting in this chair so long.  At least my face has healed up by now.

What are you talking about?  I meant that Horab guy.  Heywhat happened to your face?

Oh, right.  I forgot, you cant see the gaps in time.  The author took a couple of weeks between chapters.

Erin looked at me quizzically as a topless barrista came by to warm up our coffee.  Lets hope she doesnt ask if we want milk, I thought.  The more time I spend with you, the less I understand you.

Common occurrence.  Anyway, just consider it another one of those Quantum Fluxuations.

Whatever you say.  Hey, is that him?

Horab cam back to the table, followed by a young woman, slim, with the face of a woodland elf.  Or a pixie.  Or some kind of fae creature that isnt all fluffy and warm and full of smiles.  She was wearing a small headset, and her eyes were jittering back and forth, like she was speed reading.  Zephyr, she said, followed by, 15.

I cleared my throat.  Hoshiko.  Hoshiko.  Horab, is she still in a game?

Yeah.  I told her yuo wanted to talk, but you know ohw she getsĶ

Erin spoke up.  I know Im probably going to regret this, but what the hell is she doing?

I chuckled.  Here, stand up.  I motioned her over behind Hoshikos left shoulder.  As Erin came around, I could tell she saw the hologram.  It was a keyboard that seemed to jut out of her head, and beyond that, a cross-hatched gaming board.  Shes got a person-tech Scrabble game going on.  Shes pretty hardcore about it.  See that wire?  I pointed to a lead winding its way into the base of her skull.  Force feedback.  She doesnt just play for the thrill.  That wire connects to a select few opiate receptors in her brain.  It sends a voltage equivalent to the points she scores, so the better she does, the more pleasure she gets.  But you probably dont want to know what happens if she loses.  But she rarely loses.

Ive heard about the feedback, but why is she doing this inter-neurally?  Arent there enough people to play with around here?

Hoshiko is one of the best in the world.  No one around here wants to play her.  Shes probably hooked up to the Scotland quadrant.  Theyre pretty brutal about their games.

We sat back down, and waited.  Erin said, Her eyes are creeping me out.

Oh, shes got a comprehensive Scrabble dictionary implanted on her corneas.  Comes in handy when youre up against an uber-literate Scot.

Hoshiko spoke up.  Junky, triple word.  39.  Pause.  Her eyes settled, focused on us, and said, Sorry, LMNO.  Im up against a guy who calls himself William Wallace.  Hes kind of a tool, but a decent enough challenge.  So things might get a little Schizy.  14, she muttered.

Erin leaned over to me and whispered, why does she keep reciting numbers?

Hoshiko grinned.  Hi.  Im right here.  Its ok to ask, Im not violent like Horab.

I am rarley violent!

Hush.  You must be Erin, Hoshiko said, extending her hand.  I have a bad habit of counting the points in a word out loud.  Youll have to forgive my blather.  44.

Pleased to meet you.

Likewise.  47.  So, what brings you here?

I leaned forward.  Look, Hoshiko.  I need to find the Triple Oracle.

She laughed.  What?  You?  Let me see if I can imagine the script.  9.  You: I need answers.  Them:  Doom.  5.

I know, I know, but I need their tarot skills.

Why not ask Mangrove?  47.

Trust me, I thought about it.  But hes more one of those prankster Kabbalists, and would undoubtedly try to enlighten us by sending us off to Dr. Dees lab to decode the hidden meaning of the word Hamzah.

...13.  But good point.  Well, I suppose I could give you some pointers.

ĶWell?

With a grin, she stood up, her eyes beginning to flicker again, and she said, Just turn around.  Oh, and say hi to mom for me.  Zinky, double word, motherfucker! 26!  as she walked away.

I turned around, and peered into the smoke and noise.  Ah.

I dont see anything, Erin said.

Exactly.  You can never see Doom until its too late.  I think theyre in the next room.

But there is no next room.

If youve learned anything by now, darling, its to just trust me on some things.  Hang on.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: illusion on April 28, 2005, 05:01:35 pm
:P Triple Oracle. Hoshi and scrabble and horab. :P
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on April 28, 2005, 06:41:18 pm
absolte bolderdash


where is hoshi anyway?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 28, 2005, 06:43:43 pm
Quote from: Mr. Fibslager
absolte bolderdash


where is hoshi anyway?



Adventuring, most likely.


There's Golden Apples in them thar hills!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 28, 2005, 06:45:01 pm
Quote from: LMNO

You: I need answers. Them: Doom.


hahahaha
best line to date
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 28, 2005, 06:48:12 pm
Whew!

Glad i din't make the buny mad.


Hmmmm... The bunny....





::wanders off, contemplating a plot enhancement::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on April 28, 2005, 06:56:07 pm
Quote from: fluffy
Quote from: LMNO

You: I need answers. Them: Doom.


hahahaha
best line to date

Okay, I just read this and then I got a call from a client.
I swear to Goddess, she started her call with "Hi, I'm calling because I need answers."

Guess what I almost said? :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 28, 2005, 06:59:16 pm
Ah, if only you could have...



 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 28, 2005, 07:11:49 pm
Quote from: SssBella, Oracle of Doom
Quote from: fluffy
Quote from: LMNO

You: I need answers. Them: Doom.


hahahaha
best line to date

Okay, I just read this and then I got a call from a client.
I swear to Goddess, she started her call with "Hi, I'm calling because I need answers."

Guess what I almost said? :twisted:
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on April 29, 2005, 03:47:32 am
Quote from: Mr. Fibslager
absolte bolderdash


where is hoshi anyway?


In the middle of a scrabble game with me. Otherwise, I don't know
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 29, 2005, 01:18:47 pm
We stood, the credit chip in my arm tingling as Malaul scanned the price of the coffee (and I was sure I was going to find an additional fee for cleanup or somesuch.  Probably not as much as Horabs gonna get stuck for after killing Paul, I thought), and I straightened my coat as Erin looked around.  I dont get it, she said.

Horab also stood up, out of courtesy, ands spoke up.  The Oracels, bieng a Three-in-One kind fo thing, tend to exist outside and between dimensions.  Yuo have to adjust you r frequency to fit.

I almost understood that.

Just hold on to L.  He usaully knows wha thes doing.  Horab leaned over to shake my hand.  Good luck, man.  Im off ot deal witht hat zebra again.

See you at the Bar later?

Sure.  Horab walked out the door, his fingers lightly brushing the hilt of his sword, making the Haiku Battle-ists flinch.  His laughter followed him into the night.  

I turned to Erin.  You ready?

I guess.  She took my hand, and I felt that electric shock.  She smelled like cinnamon, and freshly turned earth, and spring air, heavy with morning dew.  This is all getting pretty weird.  And I think your whole quantum thing is wearing thin.  Its like youre just sweeping everything under the rug by throwing the word quantum at it.

Hand in hand, we walked through the smoky caf? towards the back wall, and I sighed.  I know, its like Im making everything up as I go along, and then ascribing something vaguely technical to it, so it doesnt seem so odd.  Its an old habit, updated.  What if I told you that I was a magus, given powers by Lucifer to warp time and space and to bend reality to my will?

Id say you were fucking nuts.

Ok, how about if I said I was a prophet of the One True God, sent to this earth to right the wrongs of Satan, and given the blessings of the Lord that I would never want, and that Our Lord will forever aid me in my quest by performing miracles?

Did I say you were fucking nuts before?  I was wrong.  Youre obviously retarded.

Fine.  Suppose I told you that shit just tends to happen, and I have no clue why, or how, but Ive learned better than to ride it out?

Slacker.

So you see my point.  After you rule all the other possibilities out, the pretty much the only thing that offers some sort of rational solace is Quantum Physics brought into the Macro world.  Even if its not exactly true.

So what is true?

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.

Ķ

Hassan I Sabbah.  Ok, look, I have a confession.  I usually dont do this, but youve been through a lot, and I figure full disclosure is in order.  You know that group that formed the Open Bar I was telling you about?  Theyre what are known as Erisians.  And Im one of them.

...And exactly what did you do for them?

A bit of this, a bit of thatĶ  I added focus, imagination, a slight knowledge of Tantra, and some of the symbolism.  But thats not the point, really.  The point is that as an Erisian, there isnt ever a big-T Truth, theres just the one that fits for now.  And for the past few hours, the quantum model has been working well.  But were going to have to change things for this next bit.  As Horab tried to explain, The Oracles exist outside of this dimension, but not like a multi-verse traveler.

A what?

It would take far too long to explain Verthaine to you.  I shouldnt have even brought it up.  Ah.  We had made our way to the back of the room, and there was what appeared to be a beaded curtain hanging over one section of the wall.  I concentrated for a second, and reached out to brush the beads aside.  As I did, I felt Erins hand tighten up.  What should have been wall was a dark patch of... something.  Like a vertical oil slick, or something you cant focus your eyes on, the section of wall was flat and bottomless at the same time.  Ok, were ready.

I felt a sharp tap on my shoulder, like a claw.  Which, in fact, it was.  I turned to find Malaul holding out a bottle.  Its rum, she said.  Youll need it.

For me or for

For Zorga, of course.  Its all about her, remember?  And here.  She handed me a bunch of carrots.

Carrots?  What are you playing at, Mal?

You must not have heard.  The Pookahs brood are out there.  Watch your step.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on April 29, 2005, 05:20:08 pm
:D  bunnies!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 29, 2005, 06:34:44 pm
yay! woo hoo! yay mom! food! heh heh!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 29, 2005, 06:38:06 pm
Doom now, or Doom later, it's all the same, right?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on April 29, 2005, 06:40:41 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Doom now, or Doom later, it's all the same, right?

Not neccessarily. :twisted:
You remembered the rum for Zorga, so you're on the right track.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 29, 2005, 06:49:43 pm
:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on April 29, 2005, 11:25:26 pm
(http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/gnimbley/lmnomurder3large.jpg) (http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v314/gnimbley/lmnomurder3.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 02, 2005, 01:57:49 pm
Hand in hand, we stepped into the inky nothingness.

ĶThere were mirrors, thousands of them.  Each image they reflected was reflected in every other, but each image was distorted, no two were the same.  All possibilities were laid out, then rejected; accepted, then thrown aside.  There was no clear path; all choices were the same choice, a False one.  A step in one direction was a step in all directions; progress was impossible.  Progress was just another illusion.  Nothing was True.

Quiet snickering trickled into our ears.

Close your eyes, I said, and kicked out.  One mirror shattered; all mirrors shattered.  Shards of glass filled the air, and then were gone. We were out of the Kingdom, past the World.

There was a Universe of books.  A Borges nightmare, all letters, all languages, all words, the sum of knowledge, dusty leather tomes extending forever.  Everything was True.  The quiet wars of knowledge raged all around us, contradictions battling over assuredness.  Confident in their Truth, the tomes swelled with certainty, the pure cold truth of logic constantly proving their points, reaching conclusions that clashed with the ones around them.  They were locked in cold ivory towers, and poured boiling vats of thought upon their neighbors.  The air was still. Nothing moved.

The pattering of dozens of tiny feet intruded.

Turn left.  Towards the East.  Scrolls and parchment and vellum and paper and stone parted, revealing the constant dawn, the never-ending noon, the eternal sunset.  Nurturing killer, beginner and ender, illuminator and blinder.  The Foundation was established, and abandoned.  Onward to Glory.
Raphael stood, beautiful man-woman, eight swords held in eight hands.  The books of the Foundation came alive in the mind, the idealistic wars of history reenacting inside the confines of a skull, the recreations becoming new creations, an orgy of ideas and a morass of concepts.  Thoughts and phrases mingled, met for drinks, had shameless one-night-stands, pulled on their pants, smoothed their skirts, and went back to the bar.  Scores of orphaned ideas wept for shame and cried for nurturing.  The fabric was too thin.  The thought of a Unicorn.  The thought of a Unicorn.  THE THOUGHT OF A UNICORN.  Raphael lowered hir swords.  Eight crows flew north.  We followed, chased by frustrated mutterings.

The gang was all here.  Wotan, Jesus, Dionysus, Mithras, InannaĶ Countless mothers, and endless fathers.  Knowing smile, a secret learned through sacrifice, a barter of knowledge for pain.  Limbless, drowned, eyeless, withered, full of peace, and light.  The broken bodies abandoned for clarity and inner reward.  There was spiritual self-mutilation, inner struggles between desire and commitment.  They pointed north, towards strife.

Five Seraphim, Five wands, Five Chariots, Five Warrior-Kings, Five more minutes of waitingĶ Get it over with, already.  Fuck!  How long do I have to deal with this bullshit? Are we there yet?  All this work, just to get literally nowhere.  Why do I even bother?  I havent got all dayĶ How long have I been awake, anyway?  I gotta take a piss.  Are we done here?

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Go gently.  Body-surf.  Follow the stream as it flows.  Embrace.  Change.  Khamael stood to the left. We went right.  Severity was left behind.

Darkness.  Absence.  Nothing.  A universe-shaped hole where the Universe was supposed to be.  Nothing, that is, except me.  

And Erin.


And thousands of rabbits.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 02, 2005, 06:08:23 pm
Quote
Thoughts and phrases mingled, met for drinks, had shameless one-night-stands, pulled on their pants, smoothed their skirts, and went back to the bar. Scores of orphaned ideas wept for shame and cried for nurturing.


::yoink:: Say hello to mister quotefile....
 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 02, 2005, 06:10:56 pm
Sweet... I got in the quote file!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on May 02, 2005, 06:13:17 pm
That's just beautiful, LMNO.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 02, 2005, 06:16:11 pm
At last, my esorteic occult training has a purpose ...







  :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on May 02, 2005, 06:18:41 pm
damn your good
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 02, 2005, 06:20:14 pm
::graciously bows::



aw shucks, ma'am, it ain't nuthin of much value...



[/humility]





[Edit:  If I ever do finish this thing, I'd like to print the whole thing up, I mean, the whole thread, side comments and all.  It would be an interesting new approach to storytelling.  SOrt of like, the marginalia is already written into the story.]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on May 02, 2005, 06:24:30 pm
well i havent; read it yet, btu i'm sure it sucks.

 :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 02, 2005, 06:28:22 pm
Quote from: Mr. Fibslager
well i havent; read it yet, btu i'm sure it sucks.

 :wink:




[Blade Runner]
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
[/Blade Runner]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on May 02, 2005, 06:32:44 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Quote from: Mr. Fibslager
well i havent; read it yet, btu i'm sure it sucks.

 :wink:




[Blade Runner]
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
[/Blade Runner]


it's my job as ego anti inflationary technician.

you sorry excuse for a writer, i bet you aren;t even an alcoholic. here'sa bottle fo scotch, don't come back until it's gone and you've bought 4 more jsut liek it.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 02, 2005, 06:43:03 pm
:lol:

Not an alcoholic?


 :lol:


LMNO
-Probably an alcoholic.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on May 02, 2005, 08:47:50 pm
I loved the mirror thingy, but I confess when you started talking about east and north and some other stuff, I got confused, but that's me.  I'll have to go read it again.  It was really good, I can't wait until you actually get to....DOOM.... :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 02, 2005, 08:51:15 pm
Exposition comes tomorrow.

After we deal with the brood.


Or maybe before, I dunno.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 02, 2005, 09:23:04 pm
Or after the brood deals with you.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on May 02, 2005, 09:38:52 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
Or after the brood deals with you.

My thoughts, exactly. :twisted:
Title: Yesss...
Post by: Malgrin on May 02, 2005, 10:40:54 pm
Quote
A step in one direction was a step in all directions; progress was impossible. Progress was just another illusion. Nothing was True.


I think I shall live there for awhile.

Thank you for letting me know that you'd posted more...  I'm ready for the next installment.  Please?  Now?    :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on May 03, 2005, 12:40:53 am
Quote from: LMNO
At last, my esorteic occult training has a purpose ...







  :wink:



there's a purpose? <mangrove eyes his occult library>...shit....<runs off in a panic>
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 03, 2005, 01:47:05 pm
Theyre here!

Are they toys?

Food?

Both!
The rabbits surrounded us, noses twitching, shifting ever closer in the blackness.  But it wasnt dark, there was justĶ nothing there.  Except the rabbits, and Erins hand in mine.

Hi kids.  How are things?

It talks!  How do you think it tastes?

I coughed.  Hey now, lets not be hasty here.  So, what, have you taken over Choronzons job or something?

The squirrel ate him.  Were just here because we want to be.

Lets play with him!


Now, nowĶ  I held up the carrots Malaul had given me.  I have a treat.

Oooh!  Carrots!

Shut up, silly.  Theres no way there are enough for all of us.

Yeah, tough guy.  This isnt the Open Bar.  You cant just make more appear out of thin air.
 The rabbits moved closer.  In parallel, Erin also moved closer, and I could feel her warm body press against me, trembling slightly.

Oh, these arent for you.  Angry muttering filled the non-air.  These are for your mother.  Any idea where she is?

The brood settled down quickly.

Mom?  It wants Mom?

Silly food-toys.

Go get her!


One lone bunny scampered off into the void.  The rest of the brood sat back on their haunches, and waited.

Erin said, L, what in fucks sake is going on here?  What wasĶ all that back there?  The words, the mirrors, the booksĶ  Her face looked distressed.  You could tell the hysteria was only one more weirdness away.  I better settle her down before fluffy gets here, I thought.

Ok, you know how I said that we were going to have to more or less give up the Quantum theories in order to see the Oracle?  Well, thats because they usually like to hang out in the Void.  Thats where we are now.

It certainly is aptly named.

Well, the Void doesnt really exist in the Quantum Idea.  Its more of a symbol, a meta-archetype.

You mean like, the complete absence of anything.  If theres nothing, there cant be any thing that behaves in a quantum manner.

Well, no.  The Void is here.  Absolute Nothingness is still a few paths away.  You can almost see where it all begins, the three levels of NothingnessĶ Wait.  Im getting ahead of myself.  For now, think of it this way. The Tajikistani Interpretation of Quantum Theory posits the Void, but so far, no ones been able to actually come up with any working equations.  So the best way to get here is the Old Fashioned way:  We just climbed the double helix ladder of Tarot and Kaballah.

Excuse me?

One of the places where the Void has been thoroughly explored and defined is in the Kabbalistic Tree of Life.  Nows not the time for metaphysics, but some say it lies between the Archetype World and the Mystical world.  However, considering the Tree itself is a metaphor itself, and also filled with archetypes, this gets a bit tricky.  Lets just say that the Void is sort of like the space between a beam of light and a prism.  Everything above the prism is a singular, unified event, and everything below the prism has the illusion of differences.  Anyway, at the bottom of the Tree, things sort of collapse together again to create the Universe we move about it.  Apparently, Hoshiko pointed us to an opening into the base of the Tree, and we had to move up it, using the symbols of the Tree, and the symbols of the Tarot to move in between.

ĶI thought you said it wasnt the time for metaphysics.

Hey, you asked, right?

Right now, I just want to know whats up with all the rabbits.

Youve heard of a Pookah?

ĶIrish trickster sprit, right?

You bet.  Well, this ones name is fluffy, and she has a lot of kids.

But what is she, uh, they doing here?

Whatever she wants, I suppose.

Then, from out of the not-darkness, there was a sound, that grew with each passing second.  Thats her, I thought.  The unmistakable sound of fluffy.





pphhhhhhffffffffffftttttttt!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 03, 2005, 04:48:30 pm
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 03, 2005, 04:51:22 pm
You didn't think there was too much exposition there, did you?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on May 03, 2005, 04:53:10 pm
No. It was great just the way it is.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 03, 2005, 04:55:24 pm
Thanks.

These stories always take longer than you think, y'know?  I figured I would have gotten to the Oracles at least 2 chapters ago, but hey, Fluffy must be given her due.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on May 03, 2005, 08:06:45 pm
Quote from: LMNO
You didn't think there was too much exposition there, did you?



too much exposition
not enough bunny
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 03, 2005, 08:09:19 pm
There were tons of bunnies!

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 03, 2005, 08:10:20 pm
::scratches fluffy behind the ears::

Don't worry, darling.

Plenty more bunnies coming up...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 03, 2005, 08:13:29 pm
I gotta say, that chapter ending was awesome. pphhhhhhffffffffffftttttttt! indeed!

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

::hits print::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 03, 2005, 08:18:56 pm
I imagined it like some lovecraftian moment gone terribly wrong.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 04, 2005, 01:25:36 pm
The brood of bunnies started hopping up and down at the sight of fluffy.

Mom! Mom!

Look, mom, food!

Toys!

Food toys!

Can we keep them?


fluffy stood there, looking at us, standing in the Abyss.

I finally spoke up.  Hi, fluffy.  How are tricks?  You lookĶ different.  That was a bit of an understatement.  Out here, the pookah was much larger.  Much larger.  Her nose twitched in amusement, and not with out a slight hint of malevolence.

Well, well.  If it isnt LMNO.  AndĶ guest.


fluffy, this is Erin.  Shes a client of mine

Looks more like dinner.


Yeah!

I told you it was food!

Ssshhh!


Oh, fluffy, you arent still mad about thatĶ incidentĶ

Ppppfffftt!  You were talking about bunny suicide.  That makes you fair game.


You tell him, mom!

When do we eat?

Why all the talking?


Erin grabbed the carrots from my hand, and stepped forward.  Look, she said, things between you two might not be rock solid right now, but L promised me answers, and hes a long way off from giving them to me.  I have been not only all over the City, but apparently though different dimensions and realities as well, not to mention I was accosted by a face-raping bat to start the whole day off!

Face raping bat?  Pffft!


Its true, I piped in.  Came out of a cell phone.

So why are you here?
 fluffy eyed us suspiciously.

This is why, Erin said, thrusting the Tarot card at fluffy.

Down two levels, past Tiphareth.  Cant miss it.


I sighed.  What we need, fluffy, is deeper interpretation, someone who knows the Tarot better than I do.

Which is anybody.


Erin stamped her foot, which was weird to see, considering there was actually nothing for her to stamp upon.  Dammit!  We want to see this Oracle LMNO dragged me through hallucinations to get to, and Malaul gave us these carrots warning us about you!  Now will you please let us through?

Malaul?  Carrots?
 fluffy grabbed them out of Erins hand. Did you know that I once spent several months living in her corset?

ĶI dont even know how to begin to answer that.

Wise choice.  I suppose, for Mals sakeĶ  Come on, children.  Back to the hutch.


Aw, cmon, mom!

We found them fair and square!

And were hungry!


If youre good, Ill feed you all a nice piece of Troll pie.  As for me,
fluffy said, winking at Erin, These carrots are going into a laaarge margarita.  Give my best to Mal.  Oh, and L, you do know what the answer is going to be, right?

Yeah, I know.  Doom.

Well, good luck anyway.


Softly, and silently, the rabbits faded away, and we were left alone, in the epitome of alone.









Eventually, Erin spoke up.  Now what?

Now we wait.  Knowing them, theyre playing ninja, or sculpting obscene topiary.

Erin shook her head slowly.  This has been the absolute strangest dayĶ

You aint seen nothing yet.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 04, 2005, 03:13:21 pm
You got the brood pegged. You've got fluffy a tad more reasonable
and clear-headed than

whack!

er, more intelligent

whack!

er, just about perfect.

But why does everyone insist on spelling our names with capital letters?

We don't get no respect I tell you. No respect. [/Rodney]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 04, 2005, 03:17:32 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
You got the brood pegged. You've got fluffy a tad more reasonable
and clear-headed than

whack!

er, more intelligent

whack!

er, just about perfect.

But why does everyone insist on spelling our names with capital letters?

We don't get no respect I tell you. No respect. [/Rodney]


It's those damn editors.  I leave 'em notes in the marginalia, but to they listen?  Nooooo.  They say "it's not proper english."

Bastards.  I'll show 'em.

::Dons commando gear, hits the "edit" button::

Be right back.


[edit:  That oughta do it.]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 04, 2005, 03:28:54 pm
:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on May 04, 2005, 05:51:25 pm
Schweet!!

 :twisted:

LMNO, you rock!

er...

I mean, you suck!

Damn, I gotta write some of those words down...

Can't wait for the DOOM and strife.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 05, 2005, 01:32:31 pm
In the Abyss, your depth perception is shot all to hell, because there is no distance.  Thats why it looked like two tiny figures appeared, and then swelled, as if expanding before us.  One was a lithe redhead, a knowing smile on her face, and holding what looked like a margarita.  The other was a tall brunette, with pale skin, dressed in a revealing black dress.  She didnt look very happy.

Hi Bella, I said to the redhead.  Howre things?

Okay.  You?

Eh, its been a rough day.

The brunette spoke up.  What does this have to do with Zorga?

Everything.  Its all about Zorga after all.  Here, I brought you this.  I handed Zorga the rum.  She took it, uncorking it immediately, as she produced a glass from somewhere.

Bella, Zorga, Id like to introduce you to Erin.  Erin, this is Sssbella, and Zorga, two-thirds of the Oracle of Doom.

UmĶ Pleased to meet you both, Erin said.

Likewise.

We stood there for a few moments.  Bella took a sip of her margarita, and looked out into the void.  Zorga was busy being Zorga.  No one spoke.  Finally, Erin said, Well?

Oh, were just waiting for Demonica.  Shes late, again.  Were thinking she messed up the difference between day and night again, said Bella.  Seen Mal lately, L?  Shes been asking about you.

Yeah, she tipped us off about fluffy.

Oh, you met fluffy?  Isnt she just the cutest?

Erin spoke up.  If by cutest you mean scary as hell, then yes.

Bella turned to Erin.  Why, dear, where do you think you are?  Youre in the abyss!  Things have the meaning you give them!  Really, L.  Who have you been hanging around?

Its all part of a case.  Erins looking for some answers--

We know.

Another pause.  It was impossible to tell if it was a minute, or an hour.  Zorga kept nursing her bottle of rum, which never seemed to go empty.  Good thinking, Mal, I said to myself.

In that strange, ballooning way, another figure appeared.  She eventually grew into a tall blonde, with a pink T-shirt and jeans.  She was scribbling away at a newspaper, mumbling to herself.  Finally, I thought.  Demonica.

She lowered the paper revealing an absolutely enormous word scramble puzzle.  In a soft voice, she said, Hi.  Wow, you guys are early.  She gave off a low evil chuckle, which made Erin visibly shiver.

Zorga doesnt like waiting, even for Zorgas sister, said Zorga.

Oh, please, youve got rum.  Ill make it up to you, well go be ninjas & chase some pirates after this is over.  Demonica tossed her hair back.

Hi, Demonica, I said.  Hoshiko sends her love.

Oh, hi L.  How is Hosh?

The same, still kicking ass in scrabble.  You taught her well.

Dont I know it.  Hello, Erin.

Erin gave a start.  HowĶ I mean, how do you know--

The three women just gave a stare that just screamed, Oh, please.  

Bella put down her drink, shook out her hands, and said, Okay, ladies.  Shall we get to it?

Zorga, Demonica, and Bella joined hands, and the Abyss gave a tremble, as if matter threatened to explode the universe into a second big bang.  The women wentĶ blurry, like looking at them through the bottom of a tequila bottle, and started to twist and spin, coming together, and growing even taller.  Their bodies merged, and their 3 faces emerged from the twisting mass that began to resemble a very sexy Shiva, but with a triple-faced head.  The Oracle spoke.

I, I, I, see ALL!  I, I, I, cast the future of Futures!  And I, I, I see only DOOM!

Here we go, I said, stepping up to the six-armed Oracle.  Wish me luck.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 05, 2005, 01:34:37 pm
Aaaaah, the suspense!  I want to know what happens next! :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 05, 2005, 02:37:40 pm
Quote from: Scribe
Aaaaah, the suspense!  I want to know what happens next! :D


Unfortunately, so does LMNO.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on May 05, 2005, 03:38:31 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
Quote from: Scribe
Aaaaah, the suspense!  I want to know what happens next! :D


Unfortunately, so does LMNO.

gnaughty gnome, hehehe :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 05, 2005, 05:39:22 pm
Yeah, but unfortunately, he's right.

I have no idea what I'm gonna write about until my morning shower.  Then things start clicking into place.

Even then, things may get completely twisted around while I'm actually writing the damn thing.

Still, I do know how it ends...

But I'm not telling, and you can't flip to the backk of the book to check.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 05, 2005, 06:20:56 pm
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: gnimbley
Quote from: Scribe
Aaaaah, the suspense!  I want to know what happens next! :D


Unfortunately, so does LMNO.

gnaughty gnome, hehehe :twisted:
:oops:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on May 05, 2005, 06:29:25 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: gnimbley
Quote from: Scribe
Aaaaah, the suspense!  I want to know what happens next! :D


Unfortunately, so does LMNO.

gnaughty gnome, hehehe :twisted:
:oops:

I happen to like gnaughty gnomes, hehehe  :twisted:

:cookies:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on May 05, 2005, 06:37:01 pm
I've yet to meet a gnome that wasn't gnaughty :wink:

Cool doomness, LMNO.
Boy, did you ever get Demonica right. :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on May 05, 2005, 07:12:36 pm
Quote from: SssBella, Oracle of Doom
I've yet to meet a gnome that wasn't gnaughty :wink:

Cool doomness, LMNO.
Boy, did you ever get Demonica right. :twisted:

I guess I didn't realise Zorga was a brunette :shock:  :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 05, 2005, 07:14:44 pm
Often, I go by avatars.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on May 05, 2005, 07:23:27 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Often, I go by avatars.

Yeah, did you think I was a lithe fairie with teeny tata's  :twisted:
Not at liberty to answer any questions.  Under penalty of death.  I have probebly said too much alr
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 05, 2005, 07:24:03 pm
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: LMNO
Often, I go by avatars.

Yeah, did you think I was a lithe fairie with teeny tata's  :twisted:
Not at liberty to answer any questions.  Under penalty of death.  I have probebly said too much alr


My story, my rules.   :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on May 05, 2005, 07:28:05 pm
My sister is not a brunette but her alter ego, Zorga, is.
It's weird because she and I have had this very discussion more than once.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 05, 2005, 07:32:41 pm
::looks at Eldora::

Told you.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on May 05, 2005, 07:34:16 pm
Quote from: LMNO
::looks at Eldora::

Told you.

mmmm mmm mmmmmm mm mmmmm mm mmm
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on May 06, 2005, 02:42:33 am
I should leave more often, so I can come back and read several episodes at once. All very good, especially the "Nothing was true" then a few lines later "Everything was true"
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Demonica, Oracle of Doom on May 06, 2005, 03:11:32 am
Great Story!        :D  

 Brilliant!

::eyes LMNO suspiciously::

Have you been following me around?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 06, 2005, 01:31:54 pm
The Editors regret to inform the Constant Readers of the Epic Novel "LMNO-PI" that the Author had more than his fair share of Margaritas in honor of the Goddess last night, and currently his head hurts too much to consider writing the "Triple Oracle of Doom" chapter today.

Tune in Monday for the next Thrilling Chapter!


-The Editors
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 06, 2005, 02:53:15 pm
Told ya. Not a clue.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 06, 2005, 03:03:07 pm
I demand my money back!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on May 06, 2005, 06:44:03 pm
I demand my money plus a large grievance fee back!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 06, 2005, 06:47:03 pm
I got yr greviance fee right here, buddy...

(http://img74.echo.cx/img74/5878/thefinger4jy.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 07, 2005, 04:03:31 am
OMG IT'S THE HAND OF ERIS!!!!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on May 07, 2005, 05:27:34 am
Quote from: agent compassion
OMG IT'S THE HAND OF ERIS!!!!

Nope, those fingers are longer :shock:  and you know what that means :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 07, 2005, 03:07:50 pm
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: agent compassion
OMG IT'S THE HAND OF ERIS!!!!

Nope, those fingers are longer :shock:  and you know what that means :twisted:


Bigger gloves. :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 07, 2005, 03:13:18 pm
if the glove doesn't fit, you must acquit!

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 07, 2005, 11:42:44 pm
(http://img55.echo.cx/img55/672/lmnopi24jp.th.jpg) (http://img55.echo.cx/my.php?image=lmnopi24jp.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on May 08, 2005, 01:28:43 am
Quote from: agent compassion
(http://img55.echo.cx/img55/672/lmnopi24jp.th.jpg) (http://img55.echo.cx/my.php?image=lmnopi24jp.jpg)



a scrid!! a face raping bat-phone!!!

  :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 08, 2005, 03:32:31 am
It's not quite what I envisioned, but it's a good start. I'll wait till the story's gone a bit further to try again.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on May 08, 2005, 03:37:22 am
I think it's great.
It made me happy just looking at it.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 08, 2005, 05:14:43 pm
I love it!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on May 09, 2005, 09:29:13 am
Quote from: LMNO
I got yr greviance fee right here, buddy...

(http://img74.echo.cx/img74/5878/thefinger4jy.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)


D00d, th4t's 0ff3ns1v3! L1k3, \/\/TF?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 09, 2005, 01:30:39 pm
DOOM!

Well, yeah, but could we dial it back a little?  How about before the Doom?

Ķ More Doom!

Perhaps you could be a tad more specific?

You, you, you dare mock an Oracle from the Old Tradition?  Mortal, you know not the dangers you face by acting in such a manner!

Let me guessĶ Do any of the dangers I have to face involve Doom in any way?

Three arms lashed out, grabbed me by the lapels, and threw me through the Abyss.  I felt like I was falling for days, but when I landed, I was no further away than I had been before. Time to stop fucking around, I thought.  I stood, shakily.

Mortal Man, I, I, I, see naught in your future.  Your time is nearing its end.  The Knife of Atropos is being sharpened on the rocks as we speak.

I got down on one knee, bent my head, and chanted the Litany.  Oh, wise Oracle, the Three who are in One, from Time Immemorial, who see all things that were, and all that is, and all that shall be; whose identities are separate, equal, and in conflict; Sisters, and yet severed; Whole, and yet in thirds.  A humble traveler who has lost his way beseeches the Grace of Thee Three, for guidance and counsel.

Thats better.  Still thoughĶ Its Doom for you.

With all due respect, Ill handle my Doom at its proper time.  My request, however, is not for me, its for Erin.  We seek knowledge in this.  I nodded to Erin, who revealed the Tarot card.  The Oracle plucked it from her hands, and peered at it.  She, They, began laughing.

You bring the Oracle of Doom the Tower card?  The Oracle laughed again.  You do know the outcome of this, of course.

We waited for the inevitable.

DOOM!

There it was.

Erin was the first to speak, this time.  Is there, uh, anything else you can tell me?

Of course there is.  I, I, I, was just fucking with yall.  It just seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up.

Why do you keep repeating yourself like that?

Oh, I, I, I, stole that from Stravinsky and Tony Kushner.  Revealing the inner Trinity, and all that.  But thats beside the point.

You are headed for major Transformation.  Before your Doom, many things will be revealed.  Many Trials await you, fair traveler.  You will be Tested.  You will Change.  You will Transform.  Of these things, do not doubt.  Your Doom awaits, but there are many roads to travel before the End of All Things.


Thank youĶ But where should we go from here?  We need to find who sent this, and what they want from me.

Want?  You know what they want, but refuse, for now, to reveal it to yourself.  I, I, I will not spoil your fun.  You must travel to the Ocean.  You know of which I, I, I speak.

Erins eyes went wide.  The Ocean?  But how did you--

The Oracle sighed, and the Universe shook. We are an Oracle, remember?  Enough of this.  We are finished here.  LMNO, thanks for the rum.

I jumped up.  Wait!  We need an exit.  I dont think we could handle another journey down the Tree.

Fine.  Because we like you.  Take a hand.  Both of you.

Erin and I each grabbed one of Her many hands.  The void began to tremble.

Close your eyes.  The Infinite Light is not meant for those such as you.

Heat.  Light.  Every cell, every strand of DNA, every atom was bathed in light.  There was nowhere to turn without the glare of a thousand million inquisitive suns.  The light was not in our eyes, it was in our entire bodies.  A thirsting, questing, blind curiosity probed our very natures.  It began to take us apart.  I heard Erin scream.  The light began to feast.  If souls existed, ours were being drained off into the Light of Forever.

Ķ

We were thrown to the ground.  The bustle of the Caf? surrounded us.  Hands grabbed us, pulled us into chairs.  Bella, Zorga, and Demonica were separate again, sipping at tea, rum, and tequila.  With smiles all around, the rose from the table, gave a brief nod, and turned to leave.

Good Luck, was the last thing they said as they walked out the door, into the night.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on May 09, 2005, 05:50:58 pm
DOOM  :shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on May 09, 2005, 06:27:17 pm
TRIPLE DOOM :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Gimoz on May 09, 2005, 08:41:41 pm
OH NO! NOT DOOM!?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on May 09, 2005, 11:39:22 pm
cute avatar GIz
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on May 10, 2005, 08:38:51 am
Quote from: SssBella, Oracle of Doom
TRIPLE DOOM :twisted:



No kidding. Even I was afeared.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 10, 2005, 01:14:50 pm
I stood up, stretching.  Looks like you need some sleep.

Erin just sat there, visibly drained.  Her luminous green eyes seemed almost sunken, and her lips were drawn thin as she gazed into the table.  The days events had obviously taken their toll.  Hey, I said, lets get some sleep.

Erin stood slowly, and we made our way out of the Caf?, into the cold night air.  The Citys oppression was less palpable tonight somehow, perhaps alleviated by the full moon glowing a tainted yellow, offering its meager light to the sidewalk, which gobbled it up hungrily.

The Ocean, mumbled Erin.  GodĶ

Lets get you home first.  Well deal with what we have to do next tomorrow.

Erin grabbed me above the elbow, like she was clinging to a life preserver.  And maybe in a way she was.  After all the different states shed had to go through, all the things shed seen, the only constant wasĶ me.  Her fingers gripped tightly, and I could feel the heat from her hands radiate through my coat, into my skin.  She still walked with confidence, but she wouldnt be awake for much longer.  

Her hand let go of my bicep, and slid along my back.  Instinctually, I raised my right arm, and she moved up next to me, her head resting gently against my chest as I grasped her shoulder, gently steering her towards the car.  I could smell her again, like 4-day old lilies when they start to wilt, releasing their heady perfume into the air.  My head filled with images:  A half-drank cup of tea, waiting for a trip to the sink in the chilled morning air; a solitary charred log in a fireplace, gently smoking, the last ember of the last fire of the winter fading into grey; an empty jar of perfume lying on its side, kicked over in a fit of jealous passion; the desiccated hull of an old boat, ribs jutting out of a sandy beachĶ  Which brought me back to the Ocean.  Why was Erin so shocked when the Oracle told her to go there?  What was it about the Ocean that frightened her so?  Tomorrow, deal with it tomorrow, I thought.  Right now, you have to deal with Erin.  Shes dead on her feet.

We reached the car, and I helped her inside.  LMNO, she said, I want to thank you for helping me todayĶ

Hey, thats why you hired me.  Now lets get you home.  Where do you live?

1723 Heofon.  East Quadrant.

I whistled low.  Pretty classy digs there.

She looked over at me.  I happen to be a pretty classy lady.  Or have you not noticed, since your tastes run towards the genetically modified, apparently?

Trust me, I noticed.  But seeing as how youre a client, I tried to ignore it.

Erin sighed.  Right now, I just want to go to bed.  Could we get going, please.

Youre the boss, I said, gunning the engine.  


Driving towards the East Quadrant, I glanced over at Erin.  She was still awake, gazing out the window at the Moon, which looked impossibly big tonight.  Her hands were resting in her lap, fingers twisted together, lifeless.  I caught the faintest sound of her humming over the engine noise.  It sounded like an old lullaby, probably sung to her decades ago, before the Rebellion, before the Sanctions, before the Mandated Plutocracy, even.  Before anyone would have known shed wind up in this car, having traveled through space-time and ancient mystic-space to get here, half-asleep, staring at the impossible moon.

The car roared on through the night.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 10, 2005, 05:47:43 pm
:shock:  Ooooh...dramatic...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Sepia on May 10, 2005, 09:11:26 pm
I kep thinking 'it's gonna end with LMNO really being cthulhu or something' but it didn't and it worked well.

I liked.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO's Shadow on May 10, 2005, 10:30:44 pm
I spoke to the bastard, and this story ain't over yet, unfortunately.

The son of a bitch is gonna keep yammering...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 11, 2005, 01:35:49 pm
The current chapter
takes the form of a haiku:
"Many Things Happened."
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 11, 2005, 03:09:54 pm
Quote from: LMNO
The current chapter
takes the form of a haiku:
"Many Things Happened."


 :(
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 11, 2005, 03:16:26 pm
Oh, come on.  If you were reading a book, and an entire chapter consisted soley of that haiku, you'd think it was great.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on May 11, 2005, 03:16:53 pm
we just wanna know if you hit it.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 11, 2005, 03:17:44 pm
Yes, but if I was reading a book, I would now be reading tomorrows edition, trying to eagerly piece together the many things that had happened from fragments of the conversation.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 11, 2005, 03:25:23 pm
Quote from: Eris
Tough.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 11, 2005, 03:26:48 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Quote from: Eris
Tough.


Yup.  I know.I just felt like expressing myself through a smiley though.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on May 12, 2005, 12:56:50 am
of course he hit it right up until...


well that'd be awful to give away.


there is no conspiracy here.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 12, 2005, 01:13:31 pm
We screeched to a halt in front of her building, sweating hard.  Erin was shaking bits of window glass from her hair, as I tried to feel the extent of the damage from the gash on my face.  I turned off the car, and the sudden silence was punctuated by the ticking of the cooling engine.  I reached into the back seat, carefully picking around the exoskeletons and carcasses, until I found an old shirt, which I proceeded to tear into strips, dabbing away the blood on my face.

My God!  Are you all right? asked Erin.

Yeah.  Fucking claw shrimp.  I hate those bastards.

Ive never actually seen one up close.  I mean, Ive seen them on the video feeds, butĶ

Now you know what an entire horde of them look like, especially when you enter their turf.

Erin looked down.  I so need a shower.  Looks like you do, too.  Come on inside.

We stepped out of the car, and stuck in the rear car door handle was a still twitching leg, trying after ripped from its body.  Growling, I crushed it against the car door with my boot.  So much for my new paint job, I thought.  

We stepped up to the front door of her building, and Erin submitted to the retinal scan and voice print.  We were soon in the elevator, going up, up, up.  How far up do you go? I asked.

Erin blushed, and said, I own the penthouse.  It was a gift from my father.

The penthouse?  Why did this broad come all the way downtown if she can afford a place like this?  Maybe she had already tried some others.  Lets face it, L, you know some things others dont.  The elevator door hissed open, and we were inside her apartment.  The walls were made of glass polymers, and we were high above most other buildings.  I could see the City stretched out before me like a tumor.  You could almost see it twitch.  Erin pressed a button on the wall, and the sight of the City mercifully faded from view as the windows polarized.  Come on, Erin said, leading me to the living room.  It was an opulent affair, large couches and expensive Asian rugs.  There was a side bar, where she picked up a decanter, and poured out a dark red wine into two glasses, handing me one.  I slung my coat over the arm of one of the couches, and gladly took it.  You settle in, while I clean up, she said, moving off into one of the other many rooms.

I sat, and took in all the details of the place.  The apartment was mostly white, minimalist without being stark, with a neo-Asian flavor.  I noticed a Noh mask on one wall, and an abstract painting opposite, sort of a Pollock-meets-Duchamp adventure.  I stood to look at it more closely.

I had an idea, Erin spoke up behind me.  I turned, and saw her there, a towel wrapped around her lithe body.  Why dont we clean up together?  She let the towel slip down past her


The Editors would like to apologize again for the intrusion into this Epic Saga/Romance, but they were just looking at http://www.tiedtothetracks.com/storytelling/archives/sex_scenes/index.html and decided that the following sex scene in LMNO-PI conveyed no new information concerning the characters, save for the specific measurements and shapes of certain anatomical body parts of both main characters.  Seeing as how such a scene did not contribute to the main story arc, The Editors have decided to delete the scene.  In addition, the over-use of the word member to describe the human penis, and use of phrases such as dripping flower petals struck The Editors as overly poetic and ultimately, not in a style suitable for such a story.  And who wants 25 pages dealing with one sex scene, anyway?

collapsed to the bed, as Erin lit two cigarettes, and passed one to me.  Where did you learn how to do that?

Years of practice.  Im surprised by your flexibility.

Well, I used to by a gymnast.  Erin curled up against me, our sweaty bodies cooling in the air-conditioned room.  She smiled.  

Looks like were going to need another shower.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Sepia on May 12, 2005, 03:52:02 pm
:lol:


Now that was brilliant.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on May 12, 2005, 04:38:16 pm

i'd give it a 93
got a beat
and you can dance to it
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 12, 2005, 04:40:37 pm
Why thank you, fluffy.

Any new ways to kill me, yet?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 12, 2005, 04:55:31 pm
Quote
And who wants 25 pages dealing with one sex scene, anyway?


::raises hand::

What the hell, it's Thursday.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Ghost In The Machine on May 12, 2005, 04:58:45 pm
Quote from: agent compassion
Quote
And who wants 25 pages dealing with one sex scene, anyway?


::raises hand::

What the hell, it's Thursday.

 8)


(http://bbs.fuckedcompany.com/icons/postpics.gif)

:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 12, 2005, 05:01:03 pm
But AC, think of the children!













::waits for it::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 12, 2005, 05:06:54 pm
I am thinking of the children. With school sex education in such a sorry state, they're probably better off learning about it from the Internet anyway.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 12, 2005, 05:10:25 pm
::Decides not to wait for it any longer::




Quote from: Big Baby Jesus (R.I.P)
"WU TANG IS FOR THE CHILDREN!"
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 12, 2005, 05:10:53 pm
:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 12, 2005, 05:11:41 pm
Damn, if I had seen this thread a minute earlier....
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 12, 2005, 05:12:44 pm
Yu gots ta be on the ball, 'round these parts...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on May 13, 2005, 02:05:27 am
ok...

but not nearly as good as the she's realyl an elder god wearign the flesh of  the former resident fo the house or whathaveyou you were thinking of doing.


i know because i was readin yourmind, and started gigglign about it.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 16, 2005, 04:40:29 am
Heheheheheehehehehe
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on May 24, 2005, 02:49:20 pm
OK. I've had it. I am now officially BOYCOTTING this site
until LMNO gets off his ass and resumes writing LMNO-PI!

I am also going to be out of town for a few days.

This isn't a board suicide. It's a board boycott!


In the meantime, fluffy will be in charge of the Sylvan Forest
Gnomeworks in my absence. In particular, she will be in charge of our
contract for providing security to the NSRA's secret herbal (nudge,
nudge, wink wink) garden. She says everything will be safely devoured,
er, secured.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 02:51:38 pm
Yeah, I'm starting to consider writing it myself.  I fully back this boycot, although I may have to speak with his Communist Bastardness about this "herbal garden"...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 03:05:07 pm
WE DO NOT NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 03:27:30 pm
(http://www.bearkey.com/photos/1077466945-Explosion.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 03:43:53 pm
Call in backup!
(http://img206.echo.cx/img206/7585/bostonpolice7ad.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 03:46:46 pm
(http://www.fredhayes.com/photogallery/Bats%20Explosion.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 03:49:30 pm
(http://img206.echo.cx/img206/6747/f16160qo.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 03:50:36 pm
(http://www.norcalmovies.com/TheRock/jones-pacific1.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 03:53:40 pm
(http://img206.echo.cx/img206/6491/antitank2020predator9je.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 03:59:47 pm
(http://heimdall.shacknet.nu/img/kitten.jpg)

Or the kitten gets it!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 04:08:07 pm
Send in the ninja kitten squad for rescue!

(http://img206.echo.cx/img206/7753/ninja20cat6ia.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)



(http://img206.echo.cx/img206/9521/ninjacat24fe.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
















(my god, image shack & photo bucket must really hate us.)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 24, 2005, 04:15:42 pm
:cough:

Still waiting over here...

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 04:19:04 pm
Only dirty capitalist pigs use those sites! More proof of your burgeoiuse degeneracy!  I link directly.  :P

I rate this as posssibly the best terrorist campaign EPHAR!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 04:21:28 pm
STEP AWAY FROM THE DETECTIVE STORY.


(http://img133.echo.cx/img133/6994/tank0114db.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 04:25:35 pm
(http://ancapistan.typepad.com/unfairwitness/alarabi_resistance13-thumb.jpg)

START WRITING STORY BOY!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 24, 2005, 04:25:49 pm
NEVAR!

::chains herself to the detective story, clutching a detonator::

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 04:41:28 pm
UP AGAINST THE WALL, PEACENIK!

(http://img133.echo.cx/img133/6215/riotpolice6ac.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 24, 2005, 05:02:02 pm
Mmm...wall...
So..firm and upstanding....

 :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 05:05:17 pm
you think so?

(http://img133.echo.cx/img133/1038/wallcollapse1qm.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 24, 2005, 05:08:44 pm
(http://www.sillygirl.com/images/sillypictures/giant-cat.jpg)

Giant kitten pwns your earth mover!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on May 24, 2005, 05:10:47 pm
awwwwwwwwwwwwww
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 05:15:12 pm
D/N/T the Fiction Authorities.

(http://img133.echo.cx/img133/4342/deadcatbox3kg.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on May 24, 2005, 05:19:48 pm
:shock:

::hides in the wall::

(http://milov.nl/files/0307/cats_eyes.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 24, 2005, 05:20:07 pm
Hey!  Stop stepping on my scene man!

*calls Terrorist, Insurgent and International Criminals Union for territory infringement*
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 24, 2005, 05:22:33 pm
Do never test the giant kittens!

(http://www.neroprediction.com/images/burning_book.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2005, 05:25:36 pm
(http://img133.echo.cx/img133/4263/firehoseband6uw.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)



Oh, wait.  Wrong fIREHOSE.


Here:

(http://img133.echo.cx/img133/4441/firehose20pi.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 25, 2005, 01:28:10 pm
The morning sun peeked into the room, the smartshades only allowing the sky to have a presence, the awful pulse of The City blotted out by the dark glass.  I woke to find a slim arm with sharp fingernails slung across my chest, and Erins warm body curled up next to mine.  The sheets were rumpled and strewn over the bed, and I thought back fondly over the past several hours.  Hell of a way to end the day.  I reached up gently, and brushed her auburn hair out of her eyes.  She blinked slowly at me, first with some confusion, and then smiled a lazy smile, relaxed and content.  Hi.

Hi  yourself.  Sleep well?

As far as I remember, there wasnt much sleeping to be had.

Says you.  I checked my watch, previously tossed on a mahogany bedside table.  Its ten oclock already.  We better get ourselves ready to face the day.

Erin sighed and rolled onto her back, the sheet slipping past her body, reminding me of how she was put together, the endless contours and curves of her hips and breasts.  The she frowned, and Paradise was Lost.  The OceanĶ

What is it?  Why does this bother you so much?

Do you want to hear a story?

From you?  Always.

WellĶ

ĶI was eight years old.  Just a girl.  My parents took me to The Ocean for summer vacation, the first time we had been outside The City since I was born.  As we crossed the Emperor Cheney Memorial Bridge, I could feel The City falling away from me.  Can you believe it?  That scared me.  The creeping horror of The CityĶ I missed it.  I remember scrunching myself down in the back seat, not wanting to look at the suburbs, the flat lines, the even planes.  

It was the first time I saw birdsĶ They were like erratic airplanes, with broken wings, or huge, meaty flies.  I actually had to ask what they were.  I didnt believe my parents at first when they told me.  I guess eventually my curiosity took over, because soon I had my face pressed to the window, and later, when Daddy said it was safe, I rolled it down, and felt the strangest sensation:  Cool air rushing past my face.  It was probably the happiest I had ever been.

When we actually arrived at The Ocean, I couldnt believe it.  I screamed when I saw it, half in delight, and half in terror.  There was nothing there but water!  No buildings, no cars, no billboardsĶ  No people either.  At the time, I didnt know if that was strange or not, but looking back on it, wellĶ  It didnt matter to me at the time, because the next thing that caught my attention was the sand.  It was blisteringly white, like glass dust lit from below, and it was smooth, with slight ripples from the tide.  I ran towards it, and was shocked when I felt the grains give way beneath my weight.  I turned, and saw my parents laughing and grinning.  It was something I wish I could have framedĶ

ĶSo cut to an hour later.  I had gotten up enough bravery to dip my toes in the water, and even feel the waves splash up against my calves, before running back up the beach where the towels were.  Mommy and Daddy were building a sand castle, and laughing.  That was when I heard it.  A sickening thud sound, right behind me.  Turning around, I saw, half embedded in the sand, the mangled corpse of a man, mostly naked, mutilated.  I screamed, and then I saw more of them falling, falling out of the blue sky.  It looked as if they were falling out of the sun.  I shrieked again when a pair of hands grabbed me, and swept me off my feet.  I think it was Daddy, but at the time, all I could see was bodies, and blood, and the endless Ocean.

A voice was shouting at me, asking me what was wrong.  I just kept screaming, about the bodies, about the gore, about how flayed limbs and gutted corpses were falling out of the sun.  I felt a sharp pain in my cheek.  Daddy had slapped me.  He told me to stop making stories.  I looked at him.  His eyes were furious.  I realized that he couldnt see the bodies, even as they littered the beach, thumping into the ground, splattering the white sand with dark red blood, and pulverized organs.  I think at that point I had something of a nervous breakdown, because the next thing I know, Im waking up in a doctors office, and hes mumbling to my parents about the dangerous psychic effects of bringing a City-born child out into the open so suddenly.

But my parents still blamed me, somehowĶ.  I havent been out of the City since then.


Erin sat up quickly and perched at the edge of the bed.  L, she said, I afraid of whats going to happen if we go out there.

I reached out my hand, and she took it in her own.  Dont worry.  I think I can help.  Just let me make a few calls while you get dressed.  Oh, and one more thingĶ

Yes?

How do you like you coffee?  I smiled.  Mal showed me a few of her other tricks, as well.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malgrin on May 25, 2005, 03:57:17 pm
Splendid!

 :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on May 25, 2005, 11:59:51 pm
if i don't see a bridge in boston with the legend 'emperor cheney memorial bridge' sprayed on it, i will be one very sad mangrove.

 :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 26, 2005, 02:10:07 pm
Quote from: Pope T.Mangrove xvii
if i don't see a bridge in boston with the legend 'emperor cheney memorial bridge' sprayed on it, i will be one very sad mangrove.

 :wink:


 :lol:

Consider it as good as done.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on May 26, 2005, 11:49:14 pm
i think boston would benefit from more scrid art


just sayin'


 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 27, 2005, 05:14:21 pm
Y'all won't believe this, but I just re-compiled all the chapters, and the word count hit exactly 17,000 words.


EXACTLY.


I'm not sure I should upset the delicate balance...


 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on May 27, 2005, 05:27:41 pm
The delicate balance will be ok as long as you buy it some ice cream after upsetting it.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 01, 2005, 01:06:10 pm
I stood up, stretching, feeling old muscles complaining.  Grumpy old bones, I thought, as I slipped on my pants and shoes, and threw my shirt over my shoulders.  Padding out into the kitchen, I turned to see a flash of Erins long, smooth leg as she disappeared behind a corner to get dressed.  My coat was in the living room, and I snagged a small bag of coffee beans from one of its pockets.  I never go on a case without some coffee if theres even a chance its going to be a late night.  And yesterday, wellĶ

As I was prepping the beans, I noticed a phone on the counter.  I picked it up, and heard, Not default authorization.  Please enter passcode.  D.O.D.B. 1723.

Erin? I called out.  You have a code lock on your phone?

From a room far in the back came the reply, Well, after all that weird stuff with my cell, I figured someone might have had access to it.  So I called the phone company, and they put a lock on it.

Yeah, but from the Department of Defensive Bureaucracy?

What?  Erin was at the doorway of the kitchen in a moment, dressed only in a lacy bra, panties, and a button down shirt just halfway buttoned.  She was a vision to behold, but the look of panic on her face drove out any further ideas I might have had at the moment.  You meanĶ

Yeah.  Government, Inc. has had total access to your apartment ever since you put the lock on the phone.  Dont say anything.  Shh.  I went back into the living room, got my coat, and fished around in the inner pockets.  Where is it...  Ah.  My fingers wrapped around a small device, and I could feel it twitching in my palm.  With Erin watching, I pulled out a chrome cylinder, about the size of a tube of lipstick.  I could see her wanting to say something, ask a question, but I raised my finger to my lips.  

Walking back to the phone, I tapped one end of the cylinder, and gave the middle a half turn.  A seam appeared at the halfway point on the cylinder, and slid apart, revealing a slim rod, jointed in the middle.  The ends of the cylinder slid out, and the entire device folded in half.  Practically turning itself inside out, more rods began snaking from the inside of the cylinder, which folded upon itself revealing an insect-like robot as big as a dinner plate, delicate legs and feelers moving gently in the morning sunlight.  It seemed attracted to the phone, and when I tapped on the counter three times, it quickly moved to the phone and began dismantling it.  

It extracted a small silicone chip, drew it close to the center of the bots body, where a tiny bit of phosphorous vaporized it.  A few more furious moments, and the phone was reassembled.  Three more taps on the counter, and the bot scurried down a cabinet and began exploring the rest of the house for bugs.  As Erin and I watched, the bot quickly found and destroyed 13 other devices spread throughout the apartment.  With some mild sense of sorrow, I noticed that it had found a camera in the bedroom, and quickly vaporized it.  Should have held onto that, I thought.

After a few more minutes, the bot returned to the kitchen, twitched, and collapsed back into the small cylinder, which I returned to my coat pocket.  Again, I reached for the phone, and said to Erin, Ok.  Weve only got 30 minutes before Government, Inc notices that all the bugs have been erased.  Im going to make a call, youre going to keep getting dressed, and then were out of here.  Oh, one more thing.

Whats that?

I drew Erin in close, my arm wrapping around her waist, and kissed her long, and hard.

Bring a wet suit.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 01, 2005, 03:30:34 pm
YAY! No more boycotts! (Until the next time.)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on June 08, 2005, 04:28:49 pm

hey lmno
who know the difference between a writer and a wannabe?

a writer finishes his stories

just sayin'



now where did i put that copy of
"lmno murder, she wrote?"
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 08, 2005, 04:38:46 pm
Hey, fluffy:


1. I've been working on soliciting and editing other texts for The City anthology.

2.  Fuck you.

Numbers 3 through 5 do not exist.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on June 08, 2005, 09:36:05 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Hey, fluffy:


1. I've been working on soliciting and editing other texts for The City anthology.


sounds like a convenient excuse


Quote from: LMNO
2.  Fuck you.


::sigh::
sorry
i'm not into necrophilia


Quote from: LMNO
Numbers 3 through 5 do not exist.


yes they do
you just haven't been cleared for...
that's an old joke by now huh?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 09, 2005, 01:26:32 pm
Erin went back to finish dressing, and I picked up the phone, and quickly dialed.

RandyĶ Yeah, its me againĶ No, fine, fine.  Things are heating upĶ  No, not in that waywell, actually, yes, in that way tooĶ  Yeah, I know this is an East Quadrant number, its my clients apartmentĶ Hey now, no need to get crassĶ  Look, no time for that now.  This line has just now been cleared of bugs, and any minute now, the GovInc automatic monitors are going to wonder why they arent hearing anything.  Randy, I need another favorĶ yeah, I know, but this is serious.  Do you still have friends at the Ocean?  ...Yeah, the Edge of the World Clan, I remember.  Do you think theyd allow a friend of a friend access to their stuff?  ĶNo, seriouslyĶ  Look, just make a call for me, and let me know, ok?  ĶYeah, leave the message in the usual placeĶ  I heard the sound of heliplanes in the distance.  Look, Randy, I have to go.  Theyve located usĶ  Ok, half an hour.

I hung up, and ran to the back room, where Erin had just finished packing up a bag.  She had decided on a rugged-looking pair of pants, with boots to match.  Erin, we have to go. Now.

What is it?

Those heliplanes are no doubt on their way here.  Looking for us. Well, not us, but for whoever dismantled their bugs.  Which is us.  So we have to haul ass.

Not in your car, we wont.

You have a better idea?

Yeah, Erin said, sweeping up a set of keys and tossing them to me.  Well take my car.  She breezed by me, slinging the bag over one shoulder.  I followed her to the elevator, scooping up my jacket as I went.  We stepped into the elevator, and Erin jabbed at the button for the basement.  The doors closed, and we plunged hundreds of floors, accelerating as we went.  At this rate, well hit free fall, I thought.  Soon enough though, I could feel the huge disc brakes start to apply pressure, and after a few minutes, and several readjustments to the air pressure, we came to a gentle stop.  

The door slid open, and there was a figure in the doorway.  A large man, at least 66, almost as wide as the doorway, with a bulky jacket, pockets strategically placed all over it, bulging dangerously.  He was wearing a helmet covered with a dark fabric, and a gun belt with at least thee visible kinds of projectile weapons, including an impossibly large gun.  It was a cop.

Shit I said.

Fuck he said.

No Erin said.

The cops hand dropped to his waist, and I lunged forward, jabbing him in the throat with my fingers.  The cop let out an urk, but didnt go down.  In fact, his right arm swung around, massive fist coming at me like a hammer.  I dropped to one knee, feeling the rush of air as the punch barely missed my head, and drove the heel of my hand into the side of his knee, just behind the reinforced kneepads he was wearing.  Out of nowhere the old street joke of why the cops really wore those kneepads flashed through my mind, but I was already driving my elbow into his other knee.  I threw myself backwards as the cop, foundations shattered, fell forward to the ground, his arms still reaching out to try and grab me.  I quickly got to my feet, and jumped up, grabbing onto the low-hanging water pipes jutting from the ceiling of the garage, and brought my knees to my chest.  The cop had his hands flat on the concrete floor, and was pushing himself up as I let go, and thrust my legs down as I dropped.

My feet met his neck and drove his face into the floor with a wet smack, followed by a dull cracking noise, his neck becoming slivers of bone.  The cop shuddered a bit, then finally stopped moving.  I crouched down next to him, and pulled at his jacket.  Fuck, this guys heavy.  Erin asked in a shaky voice, what are you doing?

I turned my head, and saw that she had gone several shades whiter.  What do you mean?  Do you see all the stuff hes got?

ButĶ hes a cop.  And you killed him.

Better him than you, darling.  Now help me roll this guy.

Tentatively, she grabbed onto his jacket, and we rolled him over.  Erin winced when she saw his ruined face.  I quickly unzipped his jacket, and stripped off his gunbelt.  Were lucky he didnt get a call off to whoever his backup was, I said.  Theres a good chance conventional radio signals wont carry, so his heart monitor wont be registering any information anyway.  I slung the cops jacket over one shoulder and the gunbelt over the other.   Now lets get this car of yours, and get the fuck out of here.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 09, 2005, 03:02:46 pm
yeah!

[Ice-T]

Cop Killer!!

[/Ice-T]

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 09, 2005, 03:16:49 pm
I thought you'd like that chapter...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on June 09, 2005, 06:53:52 pm
When you said 6'6" and taking up the whole doorway, well, for a second I though he was that chapter :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 09, 2005, 06:59:16 pm
No, the NSRA have a crucial part of this story, but not just yet...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 09, 2005, 07:15:08 pm
besides, I'm only 6'4"

and I had to slim down alot to get in bikini shape.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 09, 2005, 07:18:03 pm
::imagines the massive amount of waxing required::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on June 09, 2005, 08:07:47 pm
Quote from: LMNO
::imagines the massive amount of waxing required::
d00d, not everyone is as hairy as you :shock:

Plus, maybe he meant a speedo and he just lets the hair hang out :?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 09, 2005, 08:12:36 pm
Well, what does the man have to say for himself?

Well, TCT, you rockin the body hair, or what?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on June 09, 2005, 08:41:27 pm
Quote from: Tomorrow Comes Today Wearing Pepper Pants
and I had to slim down alot to get in bikini shape.


You mean you're a triangle with little stringy bits hanging off? AWESOME!



 :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Wishfarple on June 09, 2005, 08:46:44 pm
Quote from: agent compassion

You mean you're a triangle with little stringy bits hanging off? AWESOME!


Not awesome!  Have we so soon forgotten the old legends?

Quote from: They Who May In Fact Be Larger Than Average

Triangle man, Triangle Man
Triangle man hates Person Man
They have a fight, Triangle wins
Triangle Man
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 09, 2005, 08:47:48 pm
Just so; TCT pwns everybody.

TMBG say so.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on June 09, 2005, 09:03:50 pm
And even if they didn't, he still pwns everybody.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 09, 2005, 09:03:56 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Well, what does the man have to say for himself?

Well, TCT, you rockin the body hair, or what?


not really.

while I can't seem to keep the stuff off of my face, the rest of my body is relatively hair-free, aside from the obvious spots.

I have ONE chest hair, and it doesn't even have the decency to be centered. It's about an inch from my left nipple.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 09, 2005, 09:04:33 pm
Quote from: agent compassion
And even if they didn't, he still pwns everybody.

 8)


 :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 17, 2005, 01:23:45 pm
We walked quickly through the garage, and eventually Erins slim, delicate finger pressed the remote starter she removed from her pocket.  The response was almost inaudible, but immediate.  Twenty yards away, a car thrummed to life,  its streamlined frame and oversized tires putting my humble carbon monoxide generator to shame.

Wow.  Is that a MobileTek 2300?  Where did you get that?  More importantly, how could you afford it?

You have your connections, I have mine.

Fair enough, I guess.  Look, we both know you may have another episode when we leave the City proper, so I should drive.  It seems almost blasphemous, though.

Well, thanks for saying that, at least.  Mind sixth gear.  Its sticky.  She pressed another button on her keychain, and the rear door popped open.  I tossed the cops jacket into the rear, and walked to the drivers side, with the door already open, inviting me in.  I slipped behind the wheel.  As the door was closing, I caught a snippet of siren, getting closer.  Shit.  

Turning to Erin, I asked, Is there a back way out, one that, say, only a building resident would know, but isnt that suspicious?

Well, yes, but its a ways off-- she began, as I threw the car in reversed and slammed on the gas.  Erin narrowly avoided bouncing her face off the dashboard, and she scrambled for the seatbelt.  What the fuck?

They know were down here, I said tersely.  We have to get as far away from the elevator as possible, and try to blend in.  I shifted, and the car sprung forward like an eager beast, tires gripping the tarred garage floor effortlessly.  I have to get me a car like this someday, I thought.  We turned a corner just as a half-dozen searchlights appeared behind us, probing the gloomy air.  The lights were attached to three Urban Safety Tanks, each one bristling with so-called crowd control armaments, each one more lethal than the last.  We werent quick enough around the corner, evidenced by the sudden squeal of tires, and the blare of the sirens, punctuated by the standard announcement: This is for your own good.  Stand still and be recognized.  If you move, you will be considered a Criminal Element, and shot.  This is for your own goodĶ

I floored the gas, and the car shot ahead, the parked vehicles on either side of us whiffing by.  I spotted a down ramp, and aimed the car in that direction, hoping that the Tanks didnt have as much pickup as Government, Inc claimed.  We had enough momentum that the car didnt recognize there was no longer any ground below it for a second, and then we crashed downwards along a steep ramp that took us lower into the garage.  I swung a hard left, and gunned the engine, which responded eagerly, putting much-needed room between us and the police.  

At the far side of the garage, a small aperture in the wall was evident.  There, said Erin, thats the back exit.

Are you fucking kidding?  Theres no room!

Hey, you asked if there was another exit, not if I had ever used it in this car.  I suppose you dont really think things through, do you, Mr. Cop-killer?

I glared at her, and down shifted.  Well, hold on then.  Itll be a tight fit.  I pointed the car at the opening, and gripped the wheel tighter.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on June 17, 2005, 02:26:49 pm

eeeeeeeee!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i can't look
too scary
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on June 18, 2005, 12:25:33 am
i haven';t been reading this. goddessdamn you fuckin mmorpgs!!!!


edit: i'm sure everythign i've missed has been absolutely horrible tho  :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 22, 2005, 03:36:05 pm
Damn... now that the PD forums are back on line, I guess I have to write another chapter now...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Hoshiko on June 29, 2005, 12:24:15 pm
Yes. Yes you do.

Don't make me sic the felonious mathematician mafia on you.

They've got Pi-fu.

Crap, that rhymes, doesn't it?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 29, 2005, 12:53:05 pm
Good to see you back, Hosh.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on June 29, 2005, 01:19:31 pm
Quote from: Hoshiko
Yes. Yes you do.

Don't make me sic the felonious mathematician mafia on you.

They've got Pi-fu.

Crap, that rhymes, doesn't it?

I think it may also qualify as Discordian haiku :shock:
4  19  4
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on June 29, 2005, 08:42:00 pm
Quote from: Hoshiko
Yes. Yes you do.

Don't make me sic the felonious mathematician mafia on you.


Your rhyming talents will not get you out of your need to write stuff. Want me to bump the story?

And welcome back, btw.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 29, 2005, 09:26:03 pm
Speaking of writing stuff. Fluffy says that if LMNO doesn't get off the
pot and get back to writing, she just might let him live.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 01:25:30 pm
Scene: Interior GARAGE.  Low ceiling, rows of semi-futuristic cars lined up neatly.  No movement.  Camera holds, not moving.

SFX: Faint tires squealing, engine revving.

No movement

SFX: Engine revving growing louder.  Sirens heard.

A car, a mixture of an SUV and a BMW roadster, crashes into view.  It is going far too fast for such an enclosed space.  Behind it, sinister Tank/Hummer hybrids storm into frame.

CLOSE UP - Car Windshield: Camera closes in on LMNO, focused behind the wheel, a grimace on his face, and ERIN, looking anxious and terrified.  LMNO mouths some words.

SUBTITLE - LMNO: Well, hold on then.  Itll be a tight fit.

PAN to ERIN as she grips the dashboard.

CUT TO: A small opening in the garage wall, barely larger than the car LMNO is driving.

SFX: extremely loud gunshot.

CUT TO: A ragged and ugly hole appearing in the rear fender of the Car.  The implication is that the police are using extremely powerful firepower to bring down LMNO and ERIN.

CUT TO:  LMNOs foot jamming the gas pedal to the floor.

CUT TO: The car leaping forward, heading straight for the opening.  It fits, just barely, as sparks fly, the metal and concrete battling each other.

SFX: Squealing and screeching more annoying that 1983-era Neubauten.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP of ERIN, screaming.

ERIN: Slow the fuck down!  Theres a turn!

CUT TO: The first of the Tanks slamming into the opening.  That are too big, and the resultant crash is understandably horrific.  The Tanks behind it swerve, attempting to avoid crashing, but fail.

SFX: Impossibly loud and flaming explosion.

CUT TO: LMNO, eyes wide.

CUT TO: LMNO POV: a 90-degree left turn in the tunnel.

CUT TO: LMNO wrestling with the steering wheel.  Sparks illuminate the hard line of his jaw as he attempts to keep himself and ERIN alive.

CUT TO: The car barely making the turn as flames from the explosion follow them through the tunnel, then recede.

LMNO: Are there any more of those turns I should know about?

ERIN: No, I think thats the only one.

LMNO: Im sorry to say, were probably going to have to ditch the car.

ERIN: OK, genius, how do you propose to get to the Ocean then?  No, let me guess.  You know somebody.

LMNO: Actually, yes.

CUT TO: LMNO POV: the tunnel getting wider.  LMNOs hands unclench from around the steering wheel, and he relaxes slightly.

SFX: Engine noise diminishes somewhat as the car slows.

CUT TO: ERINS apartment building, exterior.  A small garage door opens, and the car, battered and beaten, slowly pulls out.

PAN TO: Down the street, a caravan of tanks surround the main entrance of the building.  Cops in full military/riot gear are running into the building.  None seem to notice the car.

CUT TO: Car slowly pulling away, and soon out of sight of the police.

CUT TO: Car, interior.

LMNO: Lets hope the heliplanes dont notice us.

ERIN: Yeah, lets.  So now that youve brought the cops to my apartment, left at least one body next to the elevator, destroyed and probably killed the cops in the tanks that were chasing us, wrecked my car, and are about to subject me to what I can only assume will be extreme psychological torture, What do you propose to do?

CUT TO: CLOSE UP, LMNO.

LMNO: How about some pizza?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on June 30, 2005, 02:08:05 pm
Pizza fixes a lot of things, but...... :shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 02:28:46 pm
Oh, come on, I can't believe you're not seeing where this is going...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 03:40:18 pm
Are you telling me the City (tm) is in Maine?

P.S. fluffy says you deserve to be killed.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on June 30, 2005, 03:44:51 pm
Tommy, I fucking hate this district, why are we here again?
Charlie, I told you we got a tip this psychic bitch knows something about Erin.
But what could she possibly know.
I don't really give a fuck, let's just get in and out as quickly as we can, I don't like it down here any better than you.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Jaweewee was in the front of the store.  Her aunt was a late riser, so she always opened the store.  And made the coffee she knew her aunt would need when she did finally wake up.  It was nice, though.  Being in the store alone, with the smell of incense and candles.  And she could always read the books on the shelves, as long as she was careful not to mess up the covers.  And she could wear what she wanted, usually the flowing skirts she made with her aunt's help.  And the tie dyed shirts her aunt never seemed to be able to get just right.  It was nice to be able to something her aunt couldn't do, it made her feel special.  From the smell of the rain, the oil, not actual rain, she knew her aunt was up.  Jaweewee was glad, too, because there were 2 strange looking guys coming toward the store.  Not the usual strange, hippies, technomages, tarot readers, Scrabble players, those crazy haiku warriors, no, these were wearing those suits like the gov'ment guys you see in the vid's.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Excuse me miss, my name is Thomas Diknary  and this is Charles Farley we are looking for an Ellie Eldora.

Oh, that's my aunt, hang on a second.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She disappeared behind a beaded curtain.  Tommy could almost make out their whispers, but not quite.  Charlie was too busy wiping the sweat off his brow, damn he got nervous easy.  The first thing Charlie noticed about this psychic was her breasts, did she really need her corset cinched like that.  Any tighter and she wouldn't be able to see.  The first thing Tommy noticed were her eyes, what color were they?  Piercing, like looking at the sun, you wanted to look away because you could feel the gaze going right through you, made his skin crawl.  Tommy handed her the pic, trying not to look directly in her eyes, but also trying not to look like he was trying to not to look in her eyes.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Ma'am, we are looking for this woman, do you recognize her?

No, why would you think I would?

We have on file that she came to see you when she was a child.

Well, why would I recognize someone I only saw as a child, now that she is obviously a full grown woman.  

You are a psychic, right?

What Mr. Farley means is, we thought that as a psychic you might be able to help us, if you don't recognize her, that's fine, we'll be on our way, but could you take one more look, please?

OK, hand it back to me and I will look again.....no, I am sorry I could not be of more help.

That's OK, thanks for your time.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
And with that they left, mumbling something about psychics being jokes.  Telling each other psychic jokes and generally being nervous asses.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 03:46:05 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
Are you telling me the City (tm) is in Maine?



Not really.  He might have finally sold that place & moved.


Quote
P.S. fluffy says you deserve to be killed.


The bunny is quite right.  I am a bad, bad, horrible person.

By the way gnimbley, would you have any inclination to write a poem about The City for the anthology?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on June 30, 2005, 03:47:05 pm

Well, that was an interesting performance, I have not seen you block your emotions like that in a long time, wassup?  You knew that woman, Erin, didn't you?

Oh, I think I first met Erin when she was about 9 or 10.  Cute kid, but obviously troubled.  She grew up in The City, which isn't such a bad thing, really.  Her parents lived in the high rent district and all that.  You were lucky to have the family you did, you were in The City, but you always had all of us.  We were able to protect you, one of us would be able to see the things you saw and we never doubted you.  Erin's problem surfaced the first time they left The City.  On their very first trip they took the kid to the beach.  And not just any beach, no, they had to take her to that beach.  

Well, the first thing that happened was her poor little brain could not comprehend all that open space.  That doctor they took her to had a word for it, but naming it never helped her.  In this overwhelmed state she picked up on things she was not at all equipped to deal with.  Hell, I would be ill equipped to deal with it, I would make your mom go, she's used to talking with the dead, but I am getting ahead of myself.  

I should probably go back to the accident.  Well, they said it was an accident, but you never know.  Ever since those crazies hijacked those planes the Law(tm) tried to make it real tough for everyone, not just the crazies.  So a lot of people went underground, but without proper ID it made it difficult to travel.  Greyhound stock skyrocketed, but that's another story.  But the Black Market for ID's made even more money than that.  Then of course, the crazies got hold of fake ID's and got on a plane again.  That's what most everyone thinks, but THEY(tm) say it was just an accident.  The worst was that it happened so close to takeoff and the explosion was so bad, that it did indeed rain body parts and this is what that poor little child saw and felt and sensed and her parents, even though they knew what she saw was real, even if it happened long ago, poo pooed the whole thing.  Aren't you glad you only see the living?  Seeing through people can be taxing enough, but seeing dead people, and like that, it takes a toll on a person.  

After the shrink visits did no good at all and possibly some harm, Erin's aunt Ella Mae brought her to see me.  Ella was the crazy one in the family, so the rest of them thought.  As far as I could tell, she was the sane one.  You've met her before, the one with the really wild red hair?  She could see that they weren't doing that poor kid any good.  Well, I taught Erin what I could of self hypnosis and relaxation techniques, but I think the thing that helped the most was going to the archives.  The underground network where all the censored Web material went.  I knew her parents would never let her have access to that stuff.  And none of the Access Points were in her neighborhood.  The fact that they were mobile to stay ahead of the Law(tm) didn't help either.  Who knew the Law(tm) would find a way to bring the Burning Times(tm) back, not by burning the books, no everything was electronic these days, but by making so many things disappear off of the Web.  You're lucky to have access to the underground.  Knowledge is power and THEY(tm) think we have lost that power as well, but we still have some power.  We used to call it mirroring, making copies of websites, it was a good thing so many of us got into the habit of doing that all the time.  Most websites used to be in this country, did you know that?  Then everything got so restrictive, most of them went overseas.  But THEY(tm) still make pages or even entire sites disappear.  

Aunt Ellie, how many times are you going to tell me all these stories?

Until I can be sure you understand them.  Until I can be sure you know them all.  Until I can be sure you will never forget them.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 03:48:02 pm
Eldora, are you trying to say Tommy is gay?

...and since this looks like a serial piece, i think you should start a new thread...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on June 30, 2005, 03:56:54 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Eldora, are you trying to say Tommy is gay?

...and since this looks like a serial piece, i think you should start a new thread...

Not a serial, I just got carried away and broke it into two pieces, if you want it in a different thread, that's fine, I actually thought about that, after I posted it :oops:

No, Tommy was smart enough to be afraid :evil: , but he might be gay, who knows :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 04:26:49 pm
Quote from: LMNO
By the way gnimbley, would you have any inclination to write a poem about The City for the anthology?


Maybe. What's my motivation?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 04:28:09 pm
Cookies!

(http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/8427/cookie5bq.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Gimoz on June 30, 2005, 04:36:47 pm
z0mg!
Two pwnage stories in the same thread!
*head explodes from too much pwnage*

//Boom
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 04:45:59 pm
Damn. You are on to me.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 04:49:59 pm
(http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/604/cookiestack0gb.jpg) (http://www.imageshack.us)


Just sayin'.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 04:58:10 pm
::drools::

Yes, master. Poem. On the City(tm). Right away.

Where's my quill and ink?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 05:03:23 pm
(http://img166.imageshack.us/img166/6410/quillink24ss.gif) (http://www.imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 05:06:33 pm
Shouldn't you be working?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 05:07:21 pm
Yes.

But it's tedious and boring.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 05:09:20 pm
Get another job.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on June 30, 2005, 05:10:37 pm
Yay I'm glad I checked this thread....new chapter! :D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 05:11:09 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
Get another job.


After I finish moving into my new house.


Honest, I was just thinking about this yesterday.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 05:13:27 pm
Cool. New house. Married. New job. Pretty soon you will be an
upstanding member of the community. Probably vote Republican
and join the Rotary Club.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 05:17:35 pm
::checks agenda::


Yup.  Right here.

It's listed after "Get Hell to freeze over", "buy an SUV", and "appreciate the finer points of Emo".
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on June 30, 2005, 05:21:56 pm
Quote from: Rotary Club International

l-l-l-l-m-m-m-m-m-n-n-n-n-o-o-o-o-o

c-c-o-o-m-m-e-eo-o-v-v-e-e-r-rt-t-o-ot-t-h-h-e-ed-d-a-a-r-r-k-ks-s-i-i-d-d-e-e

j-j-o-o-i-i-n-nu-u-s-s
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 05:28:07 pm
:lol:

Oh, so as far as that new job thingy:

Anyone know what the best job for a hack writer/amature comparative religion theorist/musician/drunk who's addicted to online forums?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley's shadow on June 30, 2005, 05:59:48 pm
gnome comes to mind.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO's Shadow on June 30, 2005, 06:03:14 pm
Sound's like that job's already been taken, fucko!


I'm sure the pay's shit, too.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on June 30, 2005, 08:12:24 pm
Quote from: LMNO's Shadow
Sound's like that job's already been taken, fucko!


I'm sure the pay's shit, too.



<the scrid pounces on LMNOs shadow......and misses>

  :(
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 30, 2005, 08:13:21 pm
Slippery little bastard, ain't he?

I wish Scribe would hurry up with his story & catch him already.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on July 01, 2005, 12:43:10 am
Quote from: LMNO
Slippery little bastard, ain't he?

I wish Scribe would hurry up with his story & catch him already.



wouldn't scribe have to send his shadow to find yours?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 01, 2005, 02:46:47 pm
Of course I was refering to Scribe's opus, Shadow Hunting (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=5369).

But you knew that.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on July 01, 2005, 10:26:21 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Of course I was refering to Scribe's opus, Shadow Hunting (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=5369).

But you knew that.


i did...but it made a nice opportunity for you to post a link to scribe's story......which he still needs to finish.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on July 02, 2005, 12:06:53 pm
Quote from: Pope T.Mangrove xvii
Quote from: LMNO
Of course I was refering to Scribe's opus, Shadow Hunting (http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forums/viewtopic.php?t=5369).

But you knew that.


i did...but it made a nice opportunity for you to post a link to scribe's story......which he still needs to finish.


Ive got about 39 pages done, and that isnt even half of it.  And a explosive packed, death laden adventure it has been too.  I just dont have intraweb access.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO's Shadow on July 04, 2005, 03:36:27 pm
And that, fuckos, is why I am the greatest mothertfuckin' shadow in the fucking multiverse.  Even fuckers posting on an online forum say they don't have online access.


Cuz they're that stupid.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: O.B's Shadow on July 04, 2005, 11:57:37 pm
Yeah?? Come here and say that!!!  :evil:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on July 05, 2005, 12:00:23 am
kids!!

::mom look::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2005, 06:40:08 am
Daschle Hammit is dead!  Long live LMNO!

:flip:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on July 06, 2005, 06:41:55 am
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger
Daschle Hammit is dead!  Long live LMNO!

:flip:

Read page 27 and get back with me :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2005, 06:44:19 am
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger
Daschle Hammit is dead!  Long live LMNO!

:flip:

Read page 27 and get back with me :wink:


I was only kidding.  It's okay if you viciously snipe, if you're only kidding OMFG LOL!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on July 06, 2005, 06:46:27 am
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger
Daschle Hammit is dead!  Long live LMNO!

:flip:

Read page 27 and get back with me :wink:


I was only kidding.  It's okay if you viciously snipe, if you're only kidding OMFG LOL!

That's where my contribution is, assmunch :P
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on July 06, 2005, 06:48:00 am
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger
Quote from: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger
Daschle Hammit is dead!  Long live LMNO!

:flip:

Read page 27 and get back with me :wink:


I was only kidding.  It's okay if you viciously snipe, if you're only kidding OMFG LOL!

That's where my contribution is, assmunch :P


Oops.  My bad.  Very nice, actually.

But LMNO is the next Daschle fucking Hammit! OMFGLOLOLOL!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 06, 2005, 02:42:58 pm
See?  How can you hate on a guy like TGRR when he pays such great compliments?




Not that I don't try, but still...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: eriswarrior on July 06, 2005, 11:03:59 pm
Quote from: LMNO
:lol:

Oh, so as far as that new job thingy:

Anyone know what the best job for a hack writer/amature comparative religion theorist/musician/drunk who's addicted to online forums?


Security guard, bring your laptop.  Fun way to get into the Sekrit places to prank too...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 07, 2005, 01:02:46 pm
Quote from: eriswarrior
Quote from: LMNO
:lol:

Oh, so as far as that new job thingy:

Anyone know what the best job for a hack writer/amature comparative religion theorist/musician/drunk who's addicted to online forums?


Security guard, bring your laptop.  Fun way to get into the Sekrit places to prank too...


Hmm... I'd probably fail both the background check, and the drug test.

Not to mention, Security Guard would be the job I perform as I dabble in the things I'm interested in.  I'd much prefer to get paid to actually do something I like.

Idealistic, I know...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on July 07, 2005, 06:15:22 pm
Become a journalist. Its easy.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on July 08, 2005, 09:52:44 am
Did I ever mention that I love this thread? And I love the thing you wrote about the psychics, too, Eldora.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 22, 2005, 01:56:30 pm
I nursed the car down the street, listening for both the sound of a potential engine failure, and the whup-whup-whup of approaching heliplanes.  Luckily, neither seemed to be present, so I forced myself to relax, and took a left on Rove Avenue.

Erin noticed.  Hey, the highway is back there, she said, pointing behind us.

I know, but like I said, this car is thrashed.  Wed never make even the most cursory of inspections at the checkpoints.

You realize, of course, that youre buying me a new car, right?

Should have read the fine print, honey.  This counts as expenses.

What?

Just kidding.  Take it out of my pay.

Theres no way your fees will even beging to match what this car cost.

Fine, dont pay me anything then.  At this point, Im just happy Im not in jail yet.  And if ditching your car will keep it that way, thats what Im going to do.  I pulled the car into the mostly empty parking lot of a nondescript pizza joint, and killed the engine.

Erin sighed.  What are we doing here, now?

What, you dont like pizza? I chuckled. No, actually, were here to get somethiFUCK!  I flinched when a flaming golf ball slammed into the windshield, cracking it, and leaving a fiery trail as it rolled off the hood.  I opened the door, and noticed a figure on the roof with a golf club, a bucket, and a lighter.

Stain!  What the hell are you doing? I yelled at the figure.

He didnt respond, he just lit up another ball & whacked it out over the parking lot, the flames arcing gorgeously in the morning light.

I motioned to Erin to get out of the car, but she stayed in her seat, shaking her head.  I could see her mouthing the words he's fucking crazy through the cracked glass.  I turned back to the figure on the roof.

STAIN!  Dammit, youre scaring my client!

He waved.  A deep voice shouted, Ill be right down! and the figure disappeared.  Erin slowly got out of the car.  

Why is it the people you know are all certifiably insane?

Must be my charming good looks.

Dont change the subject.

Look, the way I see it, you cant really choose your friends.  They just sort of happen to you.  In my line of work, I meet all types, and these are the ones that stuck around.

Yeah, like gum on your shoe.  Crazy gum.

Hey, I know you now, so you might be considered a friend, as well.

I dont know about thatĶ

What about last night?

Erin blushed.  Well, yeah, ok.

Just then, the door to the front of the pizza place opened up, and an arm waved us inside.  We complied.  A blast of cold air greeted us, as well as a large, hulking man, light brown hair cut short to his head, with burn marks up and down his forearms, and a wide grin on his face.

L, he said, long time no see.  What brings you here?

I need some firepower, and some scuba gear.

What for?  I thought the tarot card was the Tower.  

Erin gasped.  How the hell--

He laughed.  The NSRA is everywhere, honey.

Erin turned to me.  The NSRA?  I thought you saidĶ

Well, yeah, but that was before we took out those Cop tanks.  Ah, introductions.  Reverend Stain, this is Erin.  Erin, Reverend Stain, of the New Soviet Red Army.

Stain clapped me on the shoulder.  Cop tanks?  Good job!  I was wondering how that piece of crap out in the lot got that way.

Oh, yeah, I said, Were gonna need a new car, too.

Well, you came to the right place.  Sit down, have a slice, Ill be right back.  Stain ducked behind the counter, and re-appeared with two slices of cold pizza on a plate.  Make yourselves comfortable.

We sat down in a booth away from the window, and bit down on our improvised breakfast.

Holy shit, said Erin, This pizza is fucking amazing.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on July 22, 2005, 03:08:44 pm
YEEEEEE-HAW!!!!!!

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 22, 2005, 03:10:51 pm
Just doin' my part to keep everyone happy...


LMNO
-writes sycophantic fiction, so you don't have to.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on July 22, 2005, 06:10:45 pm
The flaming golf balls were a nice touch.  :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on July 22, 2005, 06:14:57 pm
Hmm... I want to try that now..

Way to inspire me to do irresponsible things LMNO! I'll have to bring my camrea too.....
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 22, 2005, 06:17:45 pm
Quote from: agent compassion
The flaming golf balls were a nice touch.  :lol:


I recall when FuckAss was still Turd, he mentioned something about golf balls and napalm.

I just wish he hadn't had to make his presence known in the morning.  It would have been a better scene at night.  Ah well.  I must stay true to where the story leads...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on July 22, 2005, 06:27:23 pm
What if it's really early in the morning when the light's still dim?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 22, 2005, 06:34:45 pm
Heh.  That's the power of imagination!

[Wonder Showzen]
Imagination,
Imagination.

Imaginaaaaation,
Imaginaaaaaaation....
[/Wonder Showzen]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on July 22, 2005, 09:02:16 pm
in a bizzarre display of synchronicity, I was planning on having flaming golf balls part 2 tonight when the town does their incredibly belated 4th of July fireworks display.

it gets better.

they set off the fireworks from a barge anchored about 200 yards offshore.

I can hit a 200 yard drive.

 :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO's Shadow on July 22, 2005, 10:25:26 pm
I'll be looking in the papers tomorrow, fucko!


Don't let me down!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on July 22, 2005, 10:46:57 pm
Another chapter, YEAH!!!

ps ready for the doc's yet : wink :
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on July 22, 2005, 11:58:51 pm
Quote from: FuckAss
in a bizzarre display of synchronicity, I was planning on having flaming golf balls part 2 tonight when the town does their incredibly belated 4th of July fireworks display.

it gets better.

they set off the fireworks from a barge anchored about 200 yards offshore.

I can hit a 200 yard drive.

 :twisted:


Heh, don't get caught.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on July 24, 2005, 02:25:52 am
Quote from: LMNO
What, you dont like pizza? I chuckled. No, actually, were here to get somethiFUCK!  I flinched when a flaming golf ball slammed into the windshield, cracking it, and leaving a fiery trail as it rolled off the hood.  I opened the door, and noticed a figure on the roof with a golf club, a bucket, and a lighter.


Right about here, I started laughing for a minute.

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 02, 2005, 01:32:17 pm
A minute passed as we at our slices in silence.  Then, checking to make sure there was no one else in the room, Erin leaned in close, and whispered, I thought you said that involving the NSRA was like killing a mosquito with a bazooka!

Have you seen the size of those bugs out there?  Yeah, we escaped Government Inc this time, but chances are theyll find us again.  And they wont be as cautious as they were in the garage.

You call that cautious?

Were still here, right?  Look, you have to at least agree that we need a new car, because your vehicle make & model are on the Watch List, now.  Since they havent swarmed this place yet, I can only assume that somewhere in the chase, your GPS unit was damaged.

Actually, I had it removed.

What?  How did

Erin laughed.  As she did, I could feel my spirits lighten, like some great weight was temporarily lifted off my back.  The morning sun looked a little brighter, somehow.  Erin said, Oh, wow.  The look on your face is priceless!  Come on, now.  If I found you, surely I know something about something.  I like my privacy, and so I found a guy who could remove the GPS unit.  She raised one finger, cutting off my attempt to interrupt.  I know its illegal, and its tricky.  The amount I had to pay proves that.   She looked at me with bemusement.  Oh, you think youre the only one whos brave enough to go against Government Inc?  Ill have you know that I think everyone, at some point or another, breaks the law to suit their own needs.  Like you were saying about that quantum processor thing at the bar, theres more information than there are people to look at it.  The law of averages more or less guarantees youre going to get away with most of it.

Well, color me impressed.  Now Im even sorrier I had to wreck the car.  I have a feeling Stains going to give us a real piece of shit.  Hes kind of an asshole like that.

A voice emanated from the napkin holder.  I heard that!

Erin jumped.  What the fuck!

The NSRA is everywhere, pretty girl, said the napkin holder, and you better get used to it.  L, how could you say such terrible things about me?

Oh, put a sock in it, Stain, I said, your biggest self-aggrandizing claim to fame is that youre the biggest pain in the ass in The City, and yet people still want to talk to you.  I cant see how you do it.  Sure, you make the best pizza for miles, and youve got plenty of connections, but stillĶ

Its because Im one sexy motherfucker.

Erin snorted a laugh behind her hand, and the napkin holder said, yeah, well you just havent seen me in action, toots.  Just give me one night, and a bottle of Bushmills, and youll be singing my praises in the morning.

Right.  Well, youve got one part right; Id have to be drunk to consider sleeping with you.

Whatever works, whatever works.  So, L.  Exactly what have you got in trade?  I know you dont have enough to pay me, and I have a sneaking suspicion your little chippie shouldnt be using any sort of credit card or anything that can be monitored or tracked.

Yeah, youve got that rightĶ But I do believe I have something youd be interested in.  How does a fresh Cops Battle Jacket sound?

Shit, man!  Ive been dying to have my people reverse engineer one of those!  Ill be right up.

Erin mouthed the words his people? at me.  I mouthed back, later.  Hes delusional.

The napkin holder spoke up.  I can read lips, you know.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on August 02, 2005, 03:16:47 pm
you NAILED him so well
good job
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 02, 2005, 03:18:22 pm
::bows::


Hope fluffy won't try & kill me now...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on August 02, 2005, 04:44:25 pm

::plots::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on August 02, 2005, 04:48:22 pm
10/10!

Good Turd impression, too.  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on August 02, 2005, 04:49:41 pm

i can hardly wait for the roger impression
it'll be a killer
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 02, 2005, 04:52:22 pm
I am a-feared of trying any sort of Roger impression...

Only because his sense of nuance is difficult.




Oh, and If I do it wrong, i may feel the wrath of Chef.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on August 02, 2005, 05:24:18 pm
*applause*
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on August 02, 2005, 07:54:12 pm
dude, that is fucking PRICELESS.

you fucking got me down to a T.

except for one little thing....




I really do have people, you know.

really though, if this doesn't get you a reccommendation from Oprah's book club, I'll have to make space on the wall for Oprah.

might have to build a new wall for that, actually.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 02, 2005, 07:58:25 pm
Hey, i know you have people, you know you have people, it's just that the guy in the story doesn't know you have people.

It'll all come out in the wash.  Promise.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on August 02, 2005, 08:47:33 pm
Quote from: LMNO
It'll all come out in the wash.


::raises eyebrow::
you are not going to try that again
are you?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 02, 2005, 08:48:46 pm
Ha!

(http://vetwebdesigners.com/BunnyBath.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on August 03, 2005, 12:07:32 am

damn it!
you got soap in my eyes!
clumpsy oaf.

::shakes vigorously, spraying sudsy water over all the posters in this
thread and a few in adjacent threads as well::

::storms off in a huff::



::seen reading the acme catalog::








::plots::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 03, 2005, 03:18:08 pm
Uh oh...


::looks around nervously::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on August 03, 2005, 05:55:42 pm
Quote
Hey, i know you have people, you know you have people, it's just that the guy in the story doesn't know you have people.


Yup.

That's one of those "fourth wall" thingies there. God knows how many fanfics I've read where the characters just happened to know stuff that the author did, without it actually being revealed to them in the story.... :roll:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 03, 2005, 06:06:16 pm
Quote from: agent compassion
Quote
Hey, i know you have people, you know you have people, it's just that the guy in the story doesn't know you have people.


Yup.

That's one of those "fourth wall" thingies there. God knows how many sycophantic masturbation fantasies I've read where the characters just happened to know stuff that the author did, without it actually being revealed to them in the story.... :roll:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on August 03, 2005, 06:26:41 pm
Quote

That's one of those "fourth wall" thingies there. God knows how many sycophantic masturbation fantasies I've read where the characters just happened to know stuff that the author did, without it actually being revealed to them in the story.... Rolling Eyes


Oh, you must mean "badfic."

:D

I stayed away from the whole genre for YEARS because there was so much crap. Even now, I can count on one hand the number of GOOD fanfics I've seen.
 
AC,
has a fatwa on Mary Sues
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 03, 2005, 06:28:28 pm
Oh com on, admit it... You stay up late at night reading all the gay Harry Potter slash fic on Live Journal...

We're all friends here, you can let it out, it's ok...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on August 03, 2005, 06:55:10 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Oh com on, admit it... You stay up late at night reading all the gay Harry Potter slash fic on Live Journal...

We're all friends here, you can let it out, it's ok...


I don't even have an LJ :D  A Teaspoon and an Open Mind (http://www.whofic.com) is the site I read, the others are mostly crap.

And gay X-Files slash is far funnier than Harry Potter....
 :lol:

Anyways I've only written one fic of late, and it's in the Bring and Brag section, if you want....there's no sex in it though.

 :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on August 05, 2005, 12:52:58 am
Quote from: LMNO
Oh com on, admit it... You stay up late at night reading all the gay Harry Potter slash fic on MY Live Journal...

We're all friends here, you can let it out, it's ok...



look...it had to be done. besides, you fucking left anyway.

 :evil:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: One-Eyed Thayne Magee on August 05, 2005, 05:07:50 am
no way this stuff is awesome and he left?
you have any idea how hard it was reading this with one eye?
where's the end?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Kallisti on August 05, 2005, 06:13:14 am
Quote from: One-Eyed Thayne Magee
no way this stuff is awesome and he left?
you have any idea how hard it was reading this with one eye?
where's the end?

If he is truly gone for good, the rest of us will finish it :wink:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Chef on August 05, 2005, 06:16:06 am
Quote from: Kallisti
Quote from: One-Eyed Thayne Magee
no way this stuff is awesome and he left?
you have any idea how hard it was reading this with one eye?
where's the end?

If he is truly gone for good, the rest of us will finish it :wink:


YUO AIN'T GOT THA JUICE.

THIS HAS ONE GOOD SIDE...IT'S LIKE GOING TO THA LIBRARY AND RIPPING THE LAST PAGE OUT OF MYSTERY NOVELS.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on August 05, 2005, 03:06:19 pm
Quote from: Kallisti
Quote from: One-Eyed Thayne Magee
no way this stuff is awesome and he left?
you have any idea how hard it was reading this with one eye?
where's the end?

If he is truly gone for good, the rest of us will finish it :wink:


you would, wouldn't you?

fucking philistines.

no respect.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: One-Eyed Thayne Magee on August 06, 2005, 09:22:43 pm
i want the dude who started it to come back and finish

i dreamed an ending but it sucked, invovling as it did a dead man named ron sitting at the dining room table.
the arobic instructors were good, but the rest of it sucked.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on August 17, 2005, 07:34:29 pm
(http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/5536/alphabettree7bl5qv.jpg) (http://imageshack.us)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 22, 2005, 01:12:32 pm
Look Stain, is this gonna take much longer?  I want to be at the Ocean while theres still some daylight left.  I realized that every time I mentioned the Ocean, Erin would tense up.  I need to do something about that, I thought.  Hey, while youre down thereĶ

The napkin holder sighed.  Every time I go down here L, it said, you always seem to remember something else you need.

Well, thats because Im always thrown off by your stunningly good looks.

Fuck you.  What else do you need?

Sedatives.  But do you have any of those new ones that dont affect the frontal lobes, just the subconscious?

You want the Somax 2350?  Planning on performing surgery in the middle of a gunfight?

I doubt it will come to that.  I just need to settle some nerves.

Well, I dont have it here.  Youre gonna have to make another stop, if you want that stuff.  Like, youll have to go to the Mountain.

Jesus Christ, Stain.

Erin broke in.  Ive always wanted to go to the Mountain!

I cracked a wry grin, and bit my tongue against the inevitable Mohammed joke.  Well, if you want any sort of chance of staying coherent at the Ocean, weve gotta go.  I think the dense tree coverage, combined with all the pollution damage should somewhat approximate the psychotecture.  At least, it wont fuck your mind up as much.  But well need something to take the edge of.  You know what that means, Stain, I said to the napkin holder.

It sighed.  I know.  Ill throw in two bottles of tequila, but only because I like you.

Erin slowly smiled, as if she was beginning to catch on to how the dynamic went.  Thanks so much, Mr. Stain, she said, adding a thick, sweet lilt to her voice.  Im not sure youll ever know how much this means to usto me.

Coming around to my side, are you?  You better drop that loser, toots, and get with the Man.  Oh, and its Reverend Stain, not Mister.

Apologies, Erin said, giving me a slow wink.  Ill tell you what.  When this is all over, I promise to come back here, and show you the proper appreciation for what youre doing for us.

Oh, yeah.  You , me, and my walk in cooler have a standing reservation.  Anytime, anytime.  Ill be right up.

I gave Erin a surreptitious thumbs-up, and moments later, Stain emerged from the back, dragging some metal boxes.  He opened one up, pulled out a briefcase, and slid it across the table.  I clicked open the latches, and felt the cool air against my teeth as I sucked in my breath.

Whoa.  This is impressive.  I found myself face-to-face with a Smith & Wesson neuro-disruptor, the latest in assault technology.  A glancing shot will send a large burst of energy through your neuro-somatic pathways, momentarily making all the neurons in your body send a signal simultaneously to the brain.  Apparently, it really fucks you up, like having electroshock therapy, but five times worse.  A direct hit will completely destroy your central nervous system.  Where the hell did you get this?

Not for you to ask, my friend.  Make sure you know what youre doing before you use that thing.  The rest of this is the scuba gear.  And this, he said, handing me a sealed envelope, is for when you get to The Mountain.  Dont open it; its sealed for a reason.

Howabout some directions?

On the dash in your Brand New Car!  He tossed me a set of keys.  Now, lets get that Battle Jacket, what do you say?

We all got up, and walked out into the late morning sun of The City.  The Mountain, I thought.  I probably shouldnt tell her what happened last time I was there.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on August 22, 2005, 03:17:16 pm
I hear trumpets and swans at this point, in my mind.

fucking awesome.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on August 22, 2005, 03:17:47 pm
:D
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 22, 2005, 03:20:47 pm
Quote from: East Coast Hustle
I hear trumpets and swans at this point, in my mind.

fucking awesome.

 8)


Hey, thanks for that.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on August 22, 2005, 04:39:14 pm
:twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Malaul on August 22, 2005, 05:00:42 pm
HURRAY FOR MORE LMNO-PI
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on August 22, 2005, 05:10:07 pm
Yahoo!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 22, 2005, 05:11:14 pm
Aw, shucks.

t'weren't nuthin.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on August 22, 2005, 08:20:28 pm
Where's the whipped cream? I always have whipped cream on my pie.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 22, 2005, 08:29:17 pm
Quote from: gnimbley
Where's the whipped cream? I always have whipped cream on my pie.


fluffy stole it, i think.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on August 22, 2005, 08:43:17 pm
Damn rabbit.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Drunken Monkey Cabal on August 23, 2005, 12:04:14 am
i would bother to read this but its all got other peoples posts in between making it annoying. well not too annoying but anyways

will you put the whole lmno-pi into a nice pdf format?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 23, 2005, 02:58:51 pm
The coments add to the story, as the whole of LMNO-PI is essentially a fictionalized travelogue of the PD forums themselves.

But if you're extra nice, I can send you a MS-word document of the entire story so far.

Or you could wait until it's finished, and compiled properly in The City Anthology, which will also contain the work of some of your other favorite PD posters.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on August 29, 2005, 07:34:06 pm
Quote from: LMNO
The coments add to the story, as the whole of LMNO-PI is essentially a fictionalized travelogue of the PD forums themselves.

But if you're extra nice, I can send you a MS-word document of the entire story so far.

Or you could wait until it's finished, and compiled properly in The City Anthology, which will also contain the work of some of your other favorite PD posters.



Rumour has it that there's a full frontal scrid centrefold, but I cannot confirm that at this time...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 29, 2005, 07:37:15 pm
...the scrid's glistening tentacles, and come-hither beak...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on August 29, 2005, 07:42:04 pm
Quote from: LMNO
...the scrid's glistening tentacles, and come-hither beak...



then there was the Scridtoria's Secret catalog......but I don't think we should go there.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 29, 2005, 07:46:19 pm
Don't ask me how i found this...


(http://pharyngula.org/images/saeki_octopus.jpg)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on August 29, 2005, 07:49:02 pm
Quote from: LMNO
Don't ask me how i found this...


http://pharyngula.org/images/saeki_octopus.jpg



is oddly aroused?

Quote
-edited but left link up for great justice.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 29, 2005, 07:53:13 pm
Wrong forum...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on August 29, 2005, 08:33:27 pm
ick!

 :x
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Anonymous on August 30, 2005, 12:32:33 am
Where did you find that shit?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 30, 2005, 01:33:11 pm
Quote from: Anonymous
Where did you find that shit?


I asked y'all not to inquire into such things, remember?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: One-Eyed Thayne Magee on September 06, 2005, 06:51:39 am
LMNO dude. i'm glad you came back. it was shitty not knowing the end or anything.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on September 06, 2005, 07:47:29 am
Quote from: One-Eyed Thayne Magee
LMNO dude. i'm glad you came back. it was shitty not knowing the end or anything.



yeah...like LMNO actually knows what the ending is! :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 06, 2005, 05:37:38 pm
Quote from: The Open Bar
Quote from: One-Eyed Thayne Magee
LMNO dude. i'm glad you came back. it was shitty not knowing the end or anything.



yeah...like LMNO actually knows what the ending is! :lol:




Sadly, Dumbledore dies at the end...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Gimoz on September 06, 2005, 07:09:17 pm
Quote from: LMNO

Sadly, Dumbledore dies at the end...


Looking forward to it.  :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on September 06, 2005, 09:43:14 pm
And Rosebud is his sled, too.
 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on September 06, 2005, 10:36:09 pm
Quote from: The Open Bar
Quote from: LMNO
Don't ask me how i found this...


http://pharyngula.org/images/saeki_octopus.jpg



is oddly aroused?

Quote
-edited but left link up for great justice.



scrid-porn censorship?  :shock:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 07, 2005, 03:12:57 pm
Apparently.

I wasn't sure if a topless woman/octopus hybrid painting was offensive to younger eyes, but i suppose it was.



Note:  if you want to ressuect the "art v pornography" debate, Please start a new thread.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on September 07, 2005, 03:29:39 pm
oh for fuck's sake.

I'm sorry, I know I'm supposed to be being nice and all, but that is fucking GHEY.

and entirely too symptomatic of why I haven't felt like being nice is worth the bother.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 07, 2005, 03:31:32 pm
Relax.

it's still posted on the previous page.

And the link is still up.

Hey, if I'm not pissed by it, you shouldn't be, either.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on September 07, 2005, 03:55:08 pm
Quote from: The Open Bar
Quote from: LMNO
Don't ask me how i found this...


(http://pharyngula.org/images/saeki_octopus.jpg)



is oddly aroused?

Quote
-edited but left link up for great justice.


Is this what happens when humans and scrids mate?

Fnordiscordia,
Just keeping our new mod on his toes.

 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Mgt on September 08, 2005, 06:40:58 am
I officially declare it not-pr0n because it is funny to me :)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on September 08, 2005, 06:43:31 am
You weren't even a little turned on? C'mon, be honest!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on September 08, 2005, 06:46:19 am
Quote from:  
Quote from: The Open Bar
Quote from: LMNO
Don't ask me how i found this...


(http://pharyngula.org/images/saeki_octopus.jpg)



is oddly aroused?

Quote
-edited but left link up for great justice.


Is this what happens when humans and scrids mate?

 ,
Just keeping our new mod on his toes.

 :lol:


thsi reminds me a of a sex scene in one of my favourite sci fi books, angry young space man. great fucking book. a touch kinky too,.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on September 08, 2005, 06:36:52 pm
i'm pretty sure that the chick with tentacles was at Mal & Scrid's wedding.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Illegitimate Son of God on September 08, 2005, 10:50:45 pm
Quote from: Pope T.Mangrove xvii
i'm pretty sure that the chick with tentacles was at Mal & Scrid's wedding.
Maybe that the Scids sister and Mal brother?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on September 08, 2005, 11:47:00 pm
Whoah easy there Jethro, I'm pretty sure Mal's family isn't into the whole West Virginia scene (although in all fairness there are things that are a lot more West Virginia than in-laws). I think that was actually Scrid's sister and a caterer.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bob the Mediocre on September 09, 2005, 04:08:29 am
Would you think I was weird if I said that picture makes me think of the cartoons where someone washes up on the beach with a octopus wrapped around their face? Yes? Alright, I'll just slink off into the darkness then.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on September 09, 2005, 04:19:10 am
Makes me think "is this what happens when humans mate with scrids?" And should Mal be worried?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: unlike_someone on September 09, 2005, 04:20:51 am
Do people actually get turned on by that?... And what does it say?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on September 09, 2005, 04:37:18 am
She really needs to shave her tentacles...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Illegitimate Son of God on September 09, 2005, 03:20:09 pm
Notice that there are only 7 tentacles showing?
Any guesses as to where the 8th one is?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 09, 2005, 04:17:27 pm
Quote from: Illegitimate Son of God
Notice that there are only 7 tentacles showing?
Any guesses as to where the 8th one is?


Ok, now I'm horny.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: doubtless incident on September 09, 2005, 04:27:38 pm
yea, me too. what're we talking about?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 09, 2005, 04:50:32 pm
We're talking about you using me as your wheelchair.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: doubtless incident on September 09, 2005, 04:58:23 pm
euww. not unless yer motorized or somethin
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 09, 2005, 05:00:06 pm
Quote from: doubtless incident
euww. not unless yer motorized or somethin


::is oddly aroused::
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on September 09, 2005, 07:06:03 pm
LMNO - you really need to add another chapter here soon  :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 12, 2005, 04:02:40 pm
Yeah, I suppose...

When I get 30 minutes of uninterrupted free time.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: RexDeminZ on September 12, 2005, 07:43:33 pm
I have finally read through the entire thread and it kicks ass.

I'm eagerly awaiting more chapters!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 21, 2005, 01:39:52 pm
So, how exactly do you know all these people, and why are they scattered all over creation?  Erin was looking out the window of an econobox hydro-cell carĶ well, car is pushing it, but I guess since it had four wheels and a motor, it barely qualified.  Just like Stain to give me some suburban overweight mothers mall-hopper, I thought Ah well, at least itll be inconspicuousĶ Hardly, with the Mountain to deal with.

Well, darling, It all goes back to the creation of the Open Bar.

For you, it always does, doesnt it?

Let me finish.  That project was both the nucleus of our little organization, and the last time all of us saw each other in a single group.  We realized that we had done something unbelievable, and that we would be the focus of intense Official scrutiny.  Being rampant Individualists, we all had our own ideas about how to avoid being noticed.  But it was both the gnome and Stain who came up with the idea of using Sticking Apart as a battle strategy.

The gnome.

Yup.

WaitĶ you mean like midget?

I have no idea.  No one ever really saw him.  Its kind of hard to explain, but he was really good about keeping hidden, and disguising his voice.  No one is ever sure where or who he is.  But hes a good friend of that pookah we me at the caf?, fluffy.

Erin groaned.  Please, no more of that.  I dont think I could take it.

Dont worry; the esoteric portion of this is over.  Pretty much.  I think.  Well, maybe I shouldnt promise that just yet.  But I will promise that if we do get into any heavy occultism, Ill couch it in a hell of a lot of quantum physics theory.

Charming.  So, you were sayingĶ

Right.  The Sticking Apart idea came from an old, old book that the so-called Discordians

--Who you claim to be part of--

Right.  There was a passage in there, a joke, really, that instead of the people in their religion sticking together--

They should stick apart.  Ha, ha.  Very funny.  You all go in for some pretty stupid humor, you know that?

You should have seen us before the Big Takeover of 2011.  No one took anything seriously.  We all thought that not really caring about society and the world was cool, and we would make stupid jokes and infantile pranks, thinking we would somehow disrupt the system.  Until, of course, the System got out ahead of us.

How do you mean?

To be honest, Im not really sure.  Some say we just werent paying enough attention to the slow progress from hedonistic and decadent to diseased and corrupt, but others claim that what eventually became Government, Inc stumbled upon some new innovation or invention that propelled their information and communication abilities far beyond what anyone ever suspected.  A lot of us are trying to figure out what happened.

Anyway, after we lost and Doubtless Incident and the Illegitimate Son of GodĶ I know, I know, dont look at me like that.  They had weird names.  Leave it at that.  After they got taken in by the Cops and beaten to death, we realized they werent complete fuckups anymore, and we had to actually crack down and get shit done.  We couldnt agree on any one project or tactic or plan, which is when the gnome and Stain, independently of each other, came up with a practical application of Sticking Apart.

Go onĶ I think I can see where this is going.

Well, think of it this way:  If you have an opponent who has more manpower, and with analytical skills off the charts, the only way to get around their counter strategy is complete randomness.  The night we created the Open Bar, we decided to split up, and never openly talk about our main objective, the one thing that we could all agree on, to a greater or lesser extentĶ to bring down Government, Inc.

What?  Bring it down?  Pretty tall order there, mister.

Dont knock it till youve tried it.  So, we split up, each of us trying in our own way to beat the System, but with no direct communication about our short term tactics or goals.  Stain opened up his Pizza parlor, Mal had her caf?, Mangrove became attached to the Open Bar and decided to befriend it, and so on.

WaitĶ If everyone split up, how is it that you know all these people?

They just like me, I guess.

I find that very hard to believe.  Erin cracked me a wry grin, and I could feel myself respond.  You know, down there.

Very funny.  Ok, were approaching the outskirts of The City.  You better open up that tequila.  Its an hour to the base of The Mountain, and I dont want you freaking out before we get a chance to meet Noodle.

Who?

Noodle.  Of the Mountain.  Nice girl, but deadly.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on September 21, 2005, 02:35:19 pm

gnomes are full of shit
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 21, 2005, 02:40:42 pm
indeed.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on September 21, 2005, 06:38:43 pm
:lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:

Noodle of the Mountain?

 :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:  :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 21, 2005, 06:40:45 pm
indeed, indeed.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on September 21, 2005, 07:29:38 pm
nice, nice. everything fits jsut right
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 21, 2005, 07:31:55 pm
[unavoidable]

Hey, that's what your Mother said last night!

[/unavoidable]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Horab Fibslager on September 21, 2005, 07:40:43 pm
well then i'm glad she enjoyed herself.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: ataraxia on October 06, 2005, 03:08:19 am
*Bump*

Bring on the mountain noodle!

(This has been your 2-week reminder-nusiance service.)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on October 06, 2005, 04:13:23 am
2nded.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on October 06, 2005, 08:45:36 pm
3rded.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on October 06, 2005, 09:27:49 pm
forth'd.

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Gimoz on October 06, 2005, 10:32:12 pm
Fifth'd

Law of five anyone?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on October 07, 2005, 05:53:56 am

if you want fifths
go over to the open bar
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on October 07, 2005, 09:59:10 am
Quote from: fluffy

if you want fifths
go over to the open bar


Seventhed. Or fcukened. Or something.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on October 07, 2005, 12:56:31 pm
8th'd.


...


::looks around::


Oh, that's me, isn't it.  Right.  I'll see what I can do.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on October 13, 2005, 06:08:16 pm
Erin cracked open the bottle, and took a swig.  She made a face.

Yuck.  This is awful.

Could be worse, could be Jose Cuervo.

Ugh, never mind.  Im starting to get jittery.  Let me just drink.

Thats some good thinking.  See if you can lean the seat back so youre just staring at the ceiling.

She was able to recline the seat to its optimal horny-teenager-getting-it-on-in-Moms-car position, took another slug, grimaced, and closed her eyes.  I tried to find something good on the radio, but all I could find was propaganda, and the latest Brittany Spears clone.  Man, when are they going to stop that shit?  She died in a plane crash 15 years ago, and each replica is just worse than before.  Surely her DNA has run out by now.

The shitheap of a car cleared the city limits, and as usual, I was struck with a wave of vertigo as the psychotecture came to a sudden end.  It was as if the entire landscape became a barren, emotional plain.  When you live with artificial manipulations of your nervous system 24/7, the sudden absence of the distorted empathic pressures makes you feel like your head is about to spin off your neck while a nest of snakes bursts out of your head.

I reached over to Erin & grabbed the bottle of tequila from her.  Hey, she said weakly.  I was just

Keep your pants on, I just need to clear my head, I said, taking a swig & handing it back.  An amber smokiness took a joyride down my throat as I felt my belly warm to the welcome intruder, and my vision start to return to normal.  I gripped the wheel more tightly and frowned at the road which, devoid of neurological manipulation, was just a road.  The mental silence was crushing, but I could see the muted green of the treeline,  skirting The Mountain, beckoning us.

The Mountain.  Geologists have spent entire careers trying to figure out how it got there.  Imagine everything around you being flat, and then an alp-like, craggy looming monstrosity juts up from the earth like out of some Lovecraftian wanna-be pulp thriller.  No volcanic activity, not on a fault line, its justĶ there, like the granite tooth of some monstrous beast.  Throughout the generations, because of its lack of scientific explanation as to its presence, loony and whacked-out religious nuts have tried to set up shop in the craggy caves of The Mountain, only to return to civilization in a few months, perhaps a year, starving, freezing, and muttering of inexplicable, random events that no one could figure out.  Sometimes, they never did come back.

I suppose thats why The Mountain appealed to Noodle.  I mean, besides the fact that she was the smartest one of all of use for getting the hell out of The City when she had the chance, lets not forget that she is utterly and completely, an inexplicable, random event.  No ones sure when she showed up in our little group, she was just there one day, looking fresh off the bus, and wielding a field hockey stick.  She left the same way, too:  Silently, quickly, and without a trace.  It was only several months later that we heard about what was happening up on The Mountain.  Noodle had apparently taken over some pseudo-monks cave and had quickly transformed it into a full-body-contact Zen sanctuary/dojo.  In no time flat, she had the hook up to all the best society has to offer, and none of the downfalls of The City.  Sound like paradise, right?  Well, the turnover rate is pretty high, not to mention the body countĶ  But it makes sense that she would be the one who would carry the Somax 2350.  Hell, a girls gotta have some fun, right?

Erin had come to the end of the bottle.  She tossed it aside, and reached for the other.  Whoa, hold up there, darlin.  Youre not supposed to pass out on me.

Shut up.  I can hear them screaming.  Erins face was pale, and tight, like she was using her facial muscles to keep her brain from exploding out of her skull.  HowĶ how long until we get into the trees?

Were already there.  Relax, take a few minutes, Ill let you know when you should start looking around.  With that, the first of the horrifically twisted trees began to pass by, and soon the base forest swallowed the car into its murky half-light.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on October 13, 2005, 10:44:23 pm
Heh.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on October 23, 2005, 06:54:09 am
erotic?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on October 23, 2005, 07:05:21 am
This name change had an unintended consequence.  Or did it  :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shibboleet The Annihilator on October 23, 2005, 07:06:11 am
Once again: go away, nobody likes you.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: fluffy on October 24, 2005, 02:21:55 am

heh heh
erotic-pi
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Doctor on October 24, 2005, 02:24:30 am
:lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on October 24, 2005, 03:52:34 pm
Well, this makes the story a little more interesting...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on October 24, 2005, 03:54:03 pm
Quote
Are you erotic?
Some call me that, yeah.
I hear youre a dick. I need someone to be a dick for me.


Quote
Look, eroticWhat kind of name is that, anyway?
My parents were librarians. They liked keeping everything lined up.
IĶ See. She gave me a look like she wasnt sure whether to believe me.


 :lol:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on October 24, 2005, 03:55:49 pm
Hey, that actually made more sense...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Eldora, Oracle of Alchemy on October 24, 2005, 06:04:52 pm
Quote from: erotic
Well, this makes the story a little more interesting...


Yes it does.   :twisted:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Drunken Monkey Cabal on October 31, 2005, 10:34:37 pm
some of the other name changes fuck things up as well

also needs more written, and scribe you lazy bastard you finished ur shadow hunting story yet?
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on November 01, 2005, 06:10:13 am
Quote from: DiL12a
some of the other name changes fuck things up as well

also needs more written, and scribe you lazy bastard you finished ur shadow hunting story yet?


I'm sorry, I'll just drop my several other writing projects, need for sleep, social life, and eating and maybe in a couple of months I'll be around to continuing it.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Drunken Monkey Cabal on November 01, 2005, 11:31:29 am
Quote from: Cain
Quote from: DiL12a
some of the other name changes fuck things up as well

also needs more written, and scribe you lazy bastard you finished ur shadow hunting story yet?


I'm sorry, I'll just drop my several other writing projects, need for sleep, social life, and eating and maybe in a couple of months I'll be around to continuing it.


thanks man, knew i could rely on you
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on November 01, 2005, 02:24:47 pm
LMNO-PI is on hold for the Month of November, so I can write porn.

Samples available upon request.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on November 01, 2005, 02:27:06 pm
Well I'll want to see some of it.  Since I'm also novel writing (once I finish essay writing) I'll be glad for any excuse to not look at my own work.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on November 01, 2005, 02:29:17 pm
Well, I have a feeling once it gets going it would be "inappropriate" for these boards, so it's either PMs or email.  Your choice.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on November 01, 2005, 02:45:17 pm
Whichever is easiest for you.  Email is my MSN handle here too, if you decide on that.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Enrico Salazar on November 01, 2005, 04:46:49 pm
Quote from: erotic
LMNO-PI is on hold for the Month of November, so I can write porn.

Samples available upon request.


Uh, YES!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on November 01, 2005, 04:47:44 pm
Quote from: Enrico Salazar
Quote from: erotic
LMNO-PI is on hold for the Month of November, so I can write porn.

Samples available upon request.


Uh, YES!


Goes without saying, darling.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Enrico Salazar on November 01, 2005, 04:50:58 pm
Quote from: erotic
Quote from: Enrico Salazar
Quote from: erotic
LMNO-PI is on hold for the Month of November, so I can write porn.

Samples available upon request.


Uh, YES!


Goes without saying, darling.


Splendid.

Enrico simply wanted to make certain.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on November 23, 2005, 04:02:15 pm
To Be Continued...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on December 05, 2005, 09:14:23 pm
NOVEMBER IS OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on December 05, 2005, 09:24:42 pm
And my new job has just beguuuuuuun...
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on December 05, 2005, 09:25:31 pm
RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rrrrr  :(
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on January 23, 2006, 04:49:15 pm
Chapter 17: We have met the Noodle, and she is, umĶ

Horribly angled branches, with gnarled twigs grasping at the gloom passed by the window.  Anyone else, from any other part of the world, would immediately proclaim this place as haunted.  The too-close stacked trees gave birth to illusions of skulking movement, while sinister patterns in the bark made blasphemous hieroglyphics, incomprehensible warnings to anyone stupid enough to stay the night.

But we were from The City, and to us, if felt like a homecoming.  Erin sat up, the empty tequila bottle rolling off her supple thighs and hitting the car floor with a muted bonk.

OhĶ this is more like it.  She stretched her arms languidly, like a cat after being stuffed in a carrier for hours.  That tequila really seemed to helpĶ but now theres a problem.

Whats that?

I am fucking horny, she drawled, as her hand reached out & began sliding its way up my thigh.  I guess I should have told you what tequila does to me, but I was way too far gone to care at the time.

Dammit Erin, I said, Your sense of timing absolutely sucks.  We have to get to the next treeline in under an hour.  The trees seemed to press upon us, reach out to the econobox, but somehow, it felt like an embrace.  Not as much as an embrace than Erins palm placed firmly in my crotch, however.  Erin leaned in close, smelling of sex and tequila, and kissed me gently on my neck, then nibbled lightly.  I was definitely beginning to respond.  Maybe it wouldnt hurt to take a short break, I thought, as Erin pressed up against me, her soft skin rubbing against my shirt.

L, cmon, I know youHOLY SHIT!  

I felt a sickening pain in my gut as she clenched her fist in reflexive terror, and an equally sickening sense of dread, as I saw what was in the road.  It was a barricade, but a barricade made up entirely of limbs.  Not tree limbs: It seemed like it was everything but tree limbs.  Cow legs, deer legs, dog legsĶ but mostly human.  Severed arms, dripping stumps of leg; feet, both bare and with shoes.  It was pretty gross.  I pulled the econobox left, hard, trying to avoid a collision, but the mass of appendages spanned the whole road, and the trees seemed to bunch together, forming a wooden wall, sharp branches jabbing out like spears.  The front right fender slammed into the meat pile with a wet Thud, and my face slammed into the steering wheel.  Just like a clich?, everything went black.

I came to only a few seconds later, my cheek warm & wet, and Erin shaking my arm.  It seems the econobox had web safety, so she had the dubious privilege of her torso being held firmly to the seat by a tight mesh of plastic threads, with only her arms free to move.  It certainly showed off her figure.

I was feeling a bit woozy, but managed to thumb the web release on the dashboard, and Erin breathed a sigh of release as the threads snaked back into the seat.  Damn, she muttered, that was worse than a steel corset.

I managed a grin.  Id love to see you try that sometime.  I opened the door, and motioned to her.  Youd better come out this way, Im not sure you want to go out your side.  The econobox was partially buried in the limb blockade, making exit impossible, a grisly mess pressed up against the side window.

Erin climbed over the seat, and gingerly checked herself out next to the car, testing for any broken bones or bruises.  I could tell I had a pretty bad cut on my face, but apart from that, I seemed to be fine.  I walked around to the back, opened the case with the neuro-disruptor, and jammed an energy cell into the hilt.  There was a momentary high pitched whine, and then silence.  I made sure the mystery letter Stain gave me was still in my pocket, and walked back around to Erin.

OkĶ what the hell is this!  She pointed to the mound of flesh.

I can only figure its one of 5 things.  One: Another utopian community has bitten the dust.  Two: Someones got a really weird fetish.  Three: Noodles run for Prezitator has gottenĶ extreme.  Four:  Someone has a fucked-up idea of a practical joke.  Five: Whoevers writing the script of our lives right now doesnt know how to write the part of Noodle, and theyre stalling for time.

Wait.  Repeat that last one again?

Never mind.  More esoterica.  Whats important here is that we get the hell away from this pile of meat before were spotted.

Why? Arent you and this Noodle character supposed to be friends?

You think this entire Mountain is under her control?  No way.  I mean, shes certainly trying, but theres waaay too much terrain up here to cover.  And believe me, theres a few groups round here you do not want to mess with.  I hoisted the disruptor.  Id tell you to stay behind me, but I doubt it would do much good, as most of these fuckers already know how to play in 3 dimensions.

What the hell do you mean

From out of the trees, what sound led like from all sides, came a unified shout: SUBMIT FUCKERS!  FOR I AM AWESOME!  And then a shot, loud.  And another.  I heard the thick squelch of a bullet tearing into the pile of dead limbs, and I grabbed Erin, pulling her low to the ground.  I fired the disruptor straight ahead of me, and got lucky.  A scream, and the sound of a body falling to the ground.  I pushed Erin ahead of me.  Run!  That way!  Now!

We almost made it to the edge of the road.  Two large figures leapt from the upper branches of the trees, slamming into us with little grace, but much force.  I saw Erin crumple, as my head slammed into the ground.  The last thing I heard before the dark world of unconsciousness robbed me of my senses was, I dont like spiders and burritos are cool.  I want to break little glass people right now.  Whales remind me of spleens.

Well, I guess we found her, I thought.

***     ***     ***     ***     ***
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on January 23, 2006, 04:54:13 pm
Quote from: erotic
SUBMIT FUCKERS!  FOR I AM AWESOME!


10/10. Even if you are stalling for time.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on January 23, 2006, 05:32:00 pm
Heh.  Thanks.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on January 23, 2006, 10:39:31 pm
Quote from: stimpson j cat
JOY!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on January 23, 2006, 11:17:06 pm
yeah, that was pretty fucking dope, L. Here's hoping it doesn't take another 6 months for the next chapter.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on January 23, 2006, 11:41:32 pm
Quote from: LMN0s literary agent
Don't worry, I've got it covered  



[cracks whip]
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on January 24, 2006, 12:54:27 am
Cool.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Irreverend Hugh, KSC on January 24, 2006, 08:52:05 pm
He'll probably make us wait another half year, the sadistic bastard.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Z on January 25, 2006, 09:26:49 pm
I finally sat down to read this... and I think its not bad.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on January 30, 2006, 01:03:19 am
yaaay! lovely! now WRITE MORE...OR ELSE I'LL.....DO SOMETHING...UM....SOMETHING!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: agent compassion on January 30, 2006, 01:55:41 am
::does something::

Hahaaaaa, beat you to it!

 8)
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on January 30, 2006, 04:15:01 pm
Ow!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 07, 2006, 04:21:44 am
Chapter 18: Things get Ugly.

Darkness.  I was pretty sure my eyes weren't blindfolded.  My hands were bound, and sounds were muffled.  A low rumbling, plus a steady vibration in the floor told me I was probably in the trunk of a car.  What confirmed it was feeling a lurch, the squeal of brakes, and getting thrown roughly into another body.  The smell of her, that sweet, bitter smell of Cinnamon and sadness let me know it was Erin.  Her body was still warm, and I felt her take a breath, but she was so still...

"Erin?  Erin, c'mon, wake up."  No response.  I could hear shouting now, and then the distinctive report of gunfire.  A lot of gunfire.  Shouts became screams, and I could hear whatever vehicle we were in getting hit.  Suddenly, there was a muffled, but very loud explosion, and the vehicle lurched.  The screams stopped.

Silence.  Darkness.  The crunching sound of footsteps, drawing near.

There was the creaking and groaning of bent steel, and then a brilliance that left me as blind as before.  Hands grabbing me, dragging me up, then throwing me down.  Heard Erin's body hit the ground beside me with the sound of a sack of dropped meat.  Struggled to make out a face, but it was only dark silhouettes.  A boot kicked me.  A fist hit my face.  A rapid succession of blows, I was unsure of means or weaponry.  A sharp crack on the back of my head.

Darkness again.

I awoke to cool, rough stone under my cheek.  Trying to move no more than possible, I cracked my eyelids.  I saw the hem of Erin's shirt.  Then I felt the toe of a boot in my back.  "I saw that," a gruff voice spat.  It sounded like oil-soaked gravel, full of hate and spite.  "Get your ass up, big boy."  Hands grabbed me, and thrust me into a chair.  I could see we were in a cave of some sort, or maybe a room shaped like a cave.  Or a cave converted into a room.  Either way, the floor and walls were made of rough hewn stone, and there was a door stuck in the wall on the left.  Opposite the door was Erin's limp body, curled upon itself like a wounded animal.  She still wasn't moving.  The voice spoke up behind me, vicious and reptile.  "Looks like this one's formed an attachment.  Let's give him a lesson about Universe."  A man in drab army pants and heavy boots walked past me.  He wore no shirt, but had a tight fitting black hood covering his head and face, leaving only his eyes visible.  He grabbed Erin around the waist, and hauled her up to her feet.  Her eyes fluttered.  "L," she asked, her eyes full of pain and confusion.  "What's going on?"

The voice behind me, dripping with malice, said, "Did someone say the animal could talk?"  The man holding  Erin threw her into the wall.  Her shoulders and back hit, and she started to slide into a heap again.  Before her knees could fully buckle, he swung his fist into her stomach, throwing her back into the wall again.  His left hand shot out, grabbed her throat, and proceeded to lift her upright.  Erin's breath was ragged and constricted underneath his hand.  He curled his arm into his chest, turning Erin around, facing the wall.  His right arm shot forward, connecting between her shoulder blades, as he simultaneously let go of her throat.  Erin was thrust, face first, into the wall.  Her scream as the sharp hooks of the unfinished raw rock tore into her skin was unbearable.  I could see the red stain on the wall from where her nose broke, and the smear where her cheek gave way to the rock.  Her torturer grabbed her by the hair, pulled hard, and shoved her face into the wall once again.  He laughed at Erin's low moan of pain.

"Ok, stop.  Seriously, I'll tell you what you need to know, freely.  You don't have to do this," I said.

"I don't think you get it, Little One," said the voice behind me.  "We don't care.  That's how life is, sometimes.  No matter what you do, the things you care for are destroyed."

The man in front of me pulled a knife from the sheath in his belt.  It was long, slightly curved, edged on both sides, and looked like it was flaked with rust.  But I knew it wasn't rust.  With the other hand still in her hair, he half dragged, half threw her onto a wood and steel table directly opposite the chair I was sitting in.  The edge of the table struck her in the stomach, and she folded neatly in half, her face once again slamming down.  He lip split, her teeth stained red, like pearls dipped in raspberry preserves.

The hooded man placed the knife at the small of Erin's back, and slid it upwards along her spine.  She gasped, and her blouse and bra fell away from her shoulders.  A thin red line scored up her back, and then slowly began to bead and ooze small threads of blood.  "You like that move?" the voice in my ear said.  "One stroke, and the blade cuts her shirt, bra, and skin, all at the same time."

"You fucking asshole," I growled.  "Stop it!  She's got nothing for you!"

"I don't think you understand, yet.  We don't care.  You can plead, you can beg, you can offer us money, you can even threaten us.  Universe doesn't care.  Sometimes, truly awful things happen.  Like this for example."  I felt a hand on my left wrist, and one on my shoulder, and then whoever was behind me rammed their knee into the back of my elbow.  It gave way with a sickening crack, as my arm filled with pain.  The man before me was now sliding his knife down Erin's leg, peeling back her pants, but caring little for the pale, delicate skin underneath.  I could see tiny cuts and gashes in her calf & thigh where the knife dug in a little too deep.  When he grabbed the waistband of her pants, she came to her senses just enough to struggle.  With a laugh, he twisted her arm behind her back, and raised her up off the table.  For a moment, you could see her, topless, blood from her face dripping onto her perfect breasts, a look of desperate horror in her eyes, and then he slammed her against the table again.  Her face bounced off the unforgiving steel, and her shoulder dislocated with an audible pop.  As Erin howled with pain, the man just laughed, and with a savage pull, tore her pants off.

The voice whispered in my ear, as the sickening pain in my arm matched what I was watching, "you see?  There is nothing you can do.  You are helpless in an uncaring Universe, which will crush your body, and your spirit.  Watch. Watch and learn something about the Universe you live in."

The man with the knife wrenched Erin's dislocated arm above her head, and without a word slammed the knife through the back of her hand and into the wood, pinning her like a butterfly in a sadistic collector's menagerie.  Erin turned her head sideways, looking at me, and screamed, only to be silenced by a fist, breaking her cheekbone.  The hooded man stepped back, began unzipping his pants with one hand, as with the other, he jammed his fingers into

The Editors have agreed:  There is no way we are letting you read the rest of this.  Go and read something more pleasant, like American Psycho, or The 120 Days of Sodom.

 In case you were wondering, we called the author's fianc?e, and she's doing just fine.  


though, because at that point it was more exposed muscle tissue than skin.

Eventually, they stopped.  I couldn't tell if it was hours, or days later.  The hooded man stepped back, picked up his pants, and started wiping off parts of Erin onto them.  The unrecognizable heap on the table that used to be her would quiver every now and again, but other than that there was no sound, no movement.

As for me, I guessed I had about a dozen broken bones, including my ribs, left arm, and right leg and foot.  I had cuts and bruises all over my body, but I wasn't paying attention to what my body was screaming at me.  My eyes were on the table, and what was on it.  The door opened, and more hooded men entered.  As they grabbed Erin's body and dragged it out of the room, my tormenter, with that voice, said, "I hope this has been a valuable lesson for you.  Tomorrow, we let you go.  We hope you will do your best to incorporate this experience into your philosophical world view:  Universe simply doesn't care, about you, or anyone else, no matter how hard you may want it to, and no matter how righteous you feel in your heart."

"Go fuck yourself."

"That's the spirit."

He left the room, and everything went dark.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bella on March 07, 2006, 04:42:39 pm
You know this chapter is just sad, right?
But it's still killer good.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Open Bar on March 07, 2006, 10:41:03 pm
:cry:
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on March 09, 2006, 03:20:25 am
huzzzzzzzaaaaaahhhhh!
WRITE MORE!
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 24, 2006, 05:54:40 pm
CHAPTER 19:  You didnt see that one coming, did you?

Somehow, through the pain in my body and mind, I fell asleep.  It wasnt pleasant.  Images of Erin being raped and tortured kept flashing through my head, and I felt even more helpless as the images came unbidden.  Her eyes, pleading for me to make it all stop, her screams becoming ever so much more desperate, eventually just screaming at the hopelessness of screaming.  I kept forcing myself to wake up, so I wouldnt have to face it all again.  At one point, I awoke with a start to the jab of a needle in my arm.  I struggled the best I could with my useless limbs, but a warmth spread up my arm and through my body, and then I was back into the depths of my personal horror show; but this time, there was no escaping.


I listened to her scream forever.


Eventually, I woke up.  I was stretched out on the floor, with rough splints on my leg and arm.  My hand was bandaged with gauze, as was my foot.  Sometime during my drug-induced nightmare, someone must have given me some sort of painkiller, because even though my body throbbed in time to my heartbeat, I could think above the pain when I tried to move.  A mixed blessing at best.  When the pain abated enough to allow me to think, all I could think about was her.  What they did to her.  I punched my leg, hard.  A horrific agony swelled out of my leg and into my brain.  The pain was easier to deal with.  I punched my leg again.  I blacked out.

When I came to again, it was still mostly dark in the room.  I noticed the door was open slightly, and an orangish glow crept through.  Someone must have given me another shot, because the pain was again at a manageable level.  I groaned, and rolled onto my stomach.  I managed to push myself up, and get my good leg underneath me.  Gingerly, I made my way to the door.  I hesitated when my foot stepped into the light.  What if this was a test?  What if they were waiting just outside, ready to inflict more punishment after I proved I was grounded enough again to try to escape?  Fuck it, I thought, either they are or they arent, and nothings gonna change if I stay here.  I grabbed the edge of the door and swung it open.

It was a corridor, still looking as if it were hewn out of rock, but hanging off one spur in the wall was a heavy outdoor coat, and leaning under that, a cane.  It was slim, black, with a silver handle in the shape of and antler.  It looked strong.  I limped over, shrugged the coat over my shoulders, and grabbed the cane.  What the fuck.  Parting gifts?  

I stood still for a moment, and listened.  Inside my head, Erin whimpered.  I tried to push the memory back down into my subconscious, feeling waves of guilt as I did.  Now wasnt the time.  There might never be a time.  Slowly, my mind stilled.  I closed my eyes.  The corridor starched out to my left, and right.  I stood, waiting.  Then, I heard it.  Off to the left, a subtle echo.  To the right, nothing.  Chances were, the exit is where the noise is.  Wincing, I hobbled to the left.  The left-hand path.  How fitting.

The corridor went on for a long time.  Or at least it seemed like it, what with all the limping.  With every step, the sensation of knives jabbed through my leg.  Every so often, I had to stop, to focus away from the pain that was making my vision cloud, and brought back the screaming in my head.  It was like the pain was connected with my final memories of Erin.  Half-delirious, I almost didnt want the pain to end, because that might also make me start forgetting her.  I thought back to other people I had known who had vanished, died, or left.  Their faces were half-erased illustrations on corroded paper, while Erins was as fresh as the meat that was cut off her bones.  I couldnt lose her twice.

I was so wrapped up in my own head, I almost didnt notice the air getting colder, and the quality of light getting better.  What brought me around was the sound of a fire, and the smell of coffee and roasting meat.  My stomach growled, and my mouth filed with spit.  Swallowing, I turned a corner, and saw the mouth of the cave tunnel, looking out over the twisted trees of the Mountain.  Off to one side was a small campfire, and sleeping, with his head on his knees, was a man in olive green pants and a black hood.  I made my way as silently as I could, getting as close to him as possible.  It could have been Erins murderer, my torturer.  It probably wasnt.  I didnt care.  I raised the cane above me head, willing all my strength to keep me standing upright.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mangrove on March 26, 2006, 04:33:08 pm
wow.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2006, 05:25:08 pm
This chapter sucks: I deleted it.
Title: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 21, 2006, 08:35:20 pm
I sat at the edge of the cave, next to the pathetic little fire that was doing its best to stay alive in spite of the thunderstorm that had just come up the side of the Mountain.  I dipped my hands in a puddle of rain water that was collecting at my feet.  The cold, acrid water smelled like the air of The City, and stung the cuts and scrapes on my knuckles.  The water tuned a rust brown color as I rinsed my hands.  I turned, and wiped them off on the pantleg of the corpse lying beside me.  A pool of blood framed what was left of his head like a congealing halo.  I know, I had been stupid; I hadnt taken the hood off before smashing his face into nothingness with the cane, and now there was no way of telling who he might have been.

I huddled near the fire, nibbling on the roasted meat the dead man had been cooking.  It tasted gamey, and it was stringy & tough.  To my mind came unbidden memories of what I had witnessed in that room and I began to retch, but my hunger overcame the nausea.  Initially, I had been worried that my escape had been discovered, but it had soon become clear that except for this one man, everyone had disappeared.  So why did this guy stay around?

It was a sacrifice.  Musta been.  My own words, gruff and harsh, echoed in the cave.  Some fucked up sense of Fairness must guide those fuckers.  And, like a sucker, I fell for it.  I let myself be lured into playing by their rules.  I had proven their point.

I smacked the dead mans leg.  Asshole.  The least you could have done is be awake, so I could feel that I was defending myself.  Groaning, I sat down next to the body, and listened to the rain, with the occasional bursts of thunder.  I stared at the shadows flickering on the wall of the cave, and I wondered what the hell I was going to do next.  The weather prevented me form trying to venture outside, but even if I could, where would I go?  Even if I was able to get down The Mountain, Id still have to find a way to get back to The CityĶ and I was a fugitive there.  No doubt theyd have found who I was by now, and theyd be pissed about me killing that cop.

I could stay on the mountain, but even if I held my ground and established a place among the battling factions, Id always be reminded of ErinĶ  No.  I cant think about there right now.  But I cant not think about her.

Right.  I realized there was only one thing to do.  I had to get to the Ocean, to finish this fucking thing.  It started with a face-raping bat, it was gonna end at the Ocean.  Fuck it, Im not even getting paid anymore.  Theres just nowhere else for me to go.

I leaned over the body, and rummaged around in the packs on his belt, until I found what I was looking for: a flask of cheap whiskey, and what looked like standard-issue pain killers.  I washed one down with the other, and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible.  The next few days were going to suck.

The next few?  Fuck, maybe all the rest of my days were gonna suck.  And I didnt even know how many of them I might have left.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on October 20, 2006, 02:54:11 pm
Absofuckinglootley Awesome! Get on with it.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on October 20, 2006, 04:21:56 pm
srsly.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on October 20, 2006, 06:23:25 pm
Yeah, thirded.  Hell, I've nearly caught up on you.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on October 20, 2006, 07:07:58 pm
Sorry, sorry... but I experienced a sub-antarctic rain forest on my honeymoon, so I have some good ideas of how to get me off the Mountain.

Also, I'm tryin to work in som BIP material into it.

and, I've been tasked with writing up the wedding and honeymoon, so there's that...


Plus, with Erin dead, I kinda blew my load, y'know?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on October 20, 2006, 07:11:04 pm
Well, whatever turns you on....

Though actually I would like to see some BIP material included, so long as you don't end it a la Illuminatus!.  You should, when you next write, write as much as possible.  Thats what I do, go with the flow and then sparingly post it, saving me having to work at it.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on October 20, 2006, 07:18:06 pm
yeah. I don't write for months, but when I do it usually yields at least 3 chapters, sometimes more.

ECH,
has actually been holding out on you fuckers for some time now
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on October 20, 2006, 07:37:39 pm
You bastard.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on October 20, 2006, 08:02:15 pm
nah. I just made it sound like it was intentional for effect. I wrote a bunch of new stuff, then closed my store and went on the roadtrip, then got back and let my fiancee's dad have my computer so he could soup it up, now it's been ready for a month or more but I never get down to Portland, and my fiancee's parents, while wonderful people, are not in a hurry to make an extra trip to East Bumfuck to bring me the computer that got souped to the nuts at no charge to me.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on October 21, 2006, 09:29:50 am
Plus, with Erin dead, I kinda blew my load, y'know?

Erin's dead???? Shit nooo. Surely she's going to come back in some sorta nanobot/timetravel kinda situation?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: hollowbox on November 28, 2006, 03:14:00 am
Hi there
I just created an account here, for the sole purpose of telling you, LMNO, how muhc I love your story. I found it by accident, and was drawn in immediately. I don't understand alot of the inside jokes but I have been able to pick up on alot of it. And the story itself is very compelling. I will stick around to read the rest for sure!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on November 28, 2006, 01:02:19 pm
Damn.


Now I have to finish the damn thing.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on November 29, 2006, 02:26:34 pm
damn yeah.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on November 29, 2006, 05:06:19 pm
No rush to 'finish' Another 40-odd chapters will do me fine. Would be nice to get another one soon tho.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Sepia on December 01, 2006, 10:41:30 am
No need of an imminent finish but moooore



MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Bhode_Sativa on December 24, 2006, 10:48:26 am
I like your style.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on December 24, 2006, 10:49:08 am
I like your style.

Nobody cares what you like.

Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on January 12, 2007, 08:01:37 am
Bump! What's taking you so long? :x
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Jasper on January 12, 2007, 08:40:02 am
I just started reading this, LMNO.  It's good.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on January 12, 2007, 09:53:16 am
I just started reading this, LMNO. It's good.

Good luck finding out how it ends  :x
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on January 12, 2007, 12:47:40 pm
If y'all don't stop bugging me, it'll end with the protagonist just going back to the office.  Case closed.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on January 12, 2007, 01:22:17 pm
If y'all don't stop bugging me, it'll end with the protagonist just going back to the office.  Case closed.

Does begging count as bugging?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on January 12, 2007, 01:27:57 pm
Yes.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on January 12, 2007, 01:34:42 pm
will he live happily ever after when he goes back to the office?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on January 12, 2007, 02:15:16 pm
"Signs point to no."
\
(http://content.answers.com/main/content/wp/en/thumb/a/a4/300px-Magic_8_ball.jpg)
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on January 12, 2007, 02:48:02 pm
Spoilers ITT  :-o
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mourning Star on January 30, 2007, 12:09:33 pm
You're a deranged cunt LMNO... and I love ya for it,  I've never been compelled to pick my way through a 41 page fucking thread.  but this story's made it worth it.

so yes, I add to the bumping and begging with demands for more.

Demands that I, as the unpaying consumer have no rights to make, but demands that I make just the same.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on February 28, 2007, 06:01:56 pm
Chapter 20: Down We Go

So, I set off down the Mountain. I pushed my way through strange plants of almost-bamboo, gnarled trees with sharp leaves, and odd insects that buzzed menacingly. The ground was slick with a grayish moss, and the boots I had lifted off the corpse were worn pretty thin. My leg kept barking its truth about the state of my bones, as I used the cane as best I could among the rocks. I could hear running water as I struggled to avoid the thorns of some sort of carnivorous plant that had half a lizard dangling from its bloom, and I made my way towards it. The sound soon became a roar as mist began to fill the air, and the jagged rocks became even more treacherous and slick, jabbing into the soles of my feet through the boots, and cutting my shins. I hoped the mossy lichens werent toxic.

The trees soon gave way to a precipice, opening up on a massive waterfall. For a moment, the past few days gave way to a stunned tranquility. My mind can deal with a lot of stuff associated with living in The City, with its high technology and low motivations. But this; this was something else. Above me, the cliff rose hundreds of feet in the air, its sides polished smooth by the water rushing over it. Hundreds of feet below, the water plunged into the darkness of a chasm, the canopy obscuring how far down it actually went. And the water itself! It was a bright blue, blue like a crayon, blue like a crashed computer before the Singularity Merger. It practically leapt from the crest like an animal, as spray flung away from the rock face, while the water itself crashed and boomed its way past me.

An errant jet of the blue liquid broke on an outcropping next to me. My nose and tongue picked up the scent of blood, and I reached out to wipe my fingers against the outcropping, and then stuck them in my mouth. A sharp taste snapped my head back, and I realized what made the water so blue. There must be an extremely high copper content in that waterfall, which is why the rocks were so smooth. I sat down, unsure of myself in such a place, wondering where to go next.

Something buzzed by me, almost lumbering through the air. I looked around and saw an insect, about as big as my finger. I didnt know what the hell it was. It had wings, almost like a dragonfly, but nowhere near as graceful. It seemed to be thrown off balance by its large frontal claws, and a wicked looking tail that arched over its back. A winged scorpion, I guess, except for having only 2 legs, like a sparrow. And big, black eyes. It hovered for few seconds, looking at me. I was slowly reaching for my cane when it came at me, buzzing furiously with a speed it hadnt shown before. Its claws dug into my chest, and that tail jabbed into me, just below my left collar bone. I managed to grab the cane with my right hand and smash it into my own chest just as a cold numbing spread through my left shoulder and down my arm. I hear a crunch, but that damn tail seemed to be burrowing into me. I smashed it again with the cane, and this time it stopped moving, and hung limply from my chest, my fresh blood mingling with whatever juices that thing was keeping inside it.

That cold numbness had made its way all down my arm, and I suppose that was a small blessing, as the damage I had suffered in the cave was muted to a more manageable level. But I could also feel it making its way through my torso, and I wondered what the hell I was going to do if I became an almost-walking study in full-body Novocain. Using my cane, I struggled to my feet, and noticed a change in the timbre of the waterfall. It had grown deeper, more resonant, less like water, and more like something familiar, something man made.

Over the edge of a waterfall, some sort of ship appeared. Well, I thought it was a ship, but as it cleared the edge of the waterfall, it kept going horizontally. It didnt fall over the edge. I could feel the numbness creep up my neck as the craft, vehicle, whatever it was, clear the edge of the falls, and begin to gently descend. It was circular, about 20 yards in diameter, with a clear domed top. It also made a muted roaring sound that was a mixture of a constantly collapsing building and the afterburner of a jet. As my entire left side went numb, I was reminded of some old movies my grandfather used to show us before unauthorized media devices were outlawed. He called them Flying Saucers.

My numb left leg and my broken right one could no longer support my weight. I collapsed as gently as I could against the sharp rocks, half grateful again to whatever the fuck was in my bloodstream.

The craft settled until the clear dome was level with the ledge I was on. The dome parted in the middle, and a man with flying goggles called out to me, Are you LMNO?

I weakly raised my right arm in affirmation.

Oh, good. Im Reverend W.H. Name. Looks like you might need some help.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on February 28, 2007, 06:52:29 pm
 :mittens: :mittens: :mittens: :mittens: :mittens:

(http://i75.photobucket.com/albums/i312/P3nT4gR4m/neverenuff.jpg)
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on February 28, 2007, 08:16:13 pm
Aha!  I always knew I was an alien!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on February 28, 2007, 08:20:18 pm
I hope to hell I can find time to add more to this soon.  I had a bit of a brainstorm recently, I just hope I can get it on the page.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on March 05, 2007, 01:26:37 am
yay, i just read this. nice work!

also: write more ;-)
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mourning Star on March 26, 2007, 03:41:54 pm
MOAR
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Idem on April 05, 2007, 02:56:40 am
OSHI-

Read the first one, I'm gonna go through all the pages now.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: cyberus on April 12, 2007, 02:40:04 am
More Please  :D :D.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Fredfredly ⊂(◉‿◉)つ on April 15, 2007, 04:18:08 am
you arent going to finish this story til im 50, arent you?  :cry:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 18, 2007, 06:58:16 pm
A hatch opened in the side of his vehicle, and some attachments, that looked like a very large spatula and some tongs, emerged and scooped me up.  I couldnt tell if it was gentle or not, as my body was totally numb at this point, but the occasional mutterings from Name didnt give me much confidence.  Eventually, I was dumped into some sort of medical-looking cot with various attachments looming all around it, fortunately on my back.  Name got up from the controls, and stood over me.

Damn, you look like shit.

Wh. Ah. Yuh...

Hold on a sec.  I can flush the poison, but we may as well take advantage of the situation.  He removed the splints on my arm, and then with little grace, planted one foot in my side, and pulled as hard as he could.  I could hear various pops and cracks as he re-broke the bones.  If I could grimace at the sound, I would have.  I couldnt feel anything, but I knew he just undid whatever sort of healing had been taking place.  I wanted to scream at him, but I was helpless.  He proceeded to do the same thing with my leg.  Turning away from me, he pressed a few buttons on the ships wall, and a shell-like lid closed over my body, leaving only my head exposed.  I could feel my body being pulled and prodded by unknown devices, and Name went back to his controls.  I could still see him from the cot as the persistent rumbling got louder, and he began to speak.

Yeah, so, I was hanging out at the Open Bar, when Mangrove started talking about you.  Said you were all off on some quest with some hot chick.  Didnt see her with you, I hope you had the good sense to put her in some safehouse before coming to the Mountain.  Anyway, no one had heard from you for a while, so Open Bar put some tracers out, and wouldnt you know, the fuckin cops are looking for you.  You really got to learn how to keep your head down, yknow? 

Anyway, on a hunch O.B put in a call to Zekes.  Which leads us to here, and to now.  He stood up again, and grabbed a syringe from a compartment in the wall.  Ok, I guess the medbots done what it can.  Time to set you free.  He jabbed the needle into my neck, and dropped the plunger.  A warmth spread through my shoulders, and crept down my chest.  I could feel my throat loosen up, and I swallowed.  I opened my mouth.  I wasnt sure what to say.

Then it got to my arm.  The warmth turned to fire, and I could feel every newly-broken bone. I screamed.  And then it hit my leg.  I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain, and I could hear Name scramble around, muttering to himself.  Another jab in my neck, and I was out of my body.  Out of my head.  The bastard gave my synthetic OBE, I thought.  What the fuck is going on here?

I heard that, he said, tapping the side of his goggles.  A neat little trick I picked up from the scrids.  Float for a while, well talk.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on April 19, 2007, 12:53:31 pm
yay!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: cyberus on April 21, 2007, 04:26:22 am
 :mittens:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on June 14, 2007, 07:09:21 pm
Name tapped at the controls, and the ship pitched forward, pointing us straight down.  I could see the waterfall plunge through the canopy, and into a dark crevasse.  A few more taps at the controls, and we began a slow descent.  The skewed perspective and the synthetic OBE made me dizzy.  I tried to put a hand up to my head, but I couldnt.  At the moment, I didnt have hands.  Or a head.  What the hell kind of ship is this, anyway?

Oh, you like it?  Its a prototype Ive been working on.  Antigravity.

Antigravity.

Yeah!  See, when you smash gold atoms together, and do it often enough, the gluon plasma flux will sometimes allow new particles to form.  And as we all know, new particles equal new mass, which equals new energy.  And since Conazzios correlation to Einstein say that high volumes of mass and energy can warp the gravitation field, it seemed like a simple step to making it directional and using it for a vehicle.

So that would mean...

Yeah, theres a particle collider in the ships hull.

Wait.  Theres no way that would work.

Do you want to argue the fact that its working right now?

Good point.  Uh, whats with the OBE drug?

Your body is going to be in severe pain for a while, as the bones heal-

Again.

-yeah.  Again.  Like you did such a good job the first time.  Anyway, the medbot is out of morphine.  Dont ask, but it was one hell of a party.  So, yeah, all I had left was the synth OBE.  Trust me.  You do not want to be in your body right now.

Why am I trusting you, again?

Because I just saved your life.

Hmm.

Look, if you want me to take you back to that cliff so you can deal with those wee beasties yourself, just let me know.  Otherwise, just let me drive.

Or drop, as the case may be.

We reached the treeline, and passed through it, the semi-tropical/semi-arctic trees offering little resistance as the ships warped gravitational field passed by.  They seemed to warp, split, and explode into slivers as the ship got nearer.

Tides.  Its bad news to be both inside and outside the warped field.

We sank lower, into the chasm, and any ambient light soon disappeared.

Where the hell are we going?

Name flipped a switch, and a pair of beacon lights came on.  We seemed to be in a column of sheared rock, with a spraying waterfall on one side, descending into blackness.

O.B. said you wanted to go to the Ocean.  Ive got an express line.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mourning Star on June 14, 2007, 10:14:18 pm
*does the h00ray dance*
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on June 15, 2007, 09:58:41 am
more yay!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on June 15, 2007, 01:13:40 pm
fuck yeah!

'bout damn time.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on June 15, 2007, 01:34:07 pm
Hell yeah!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shadowdaemon on August 21, 2007, 12:45:25 pm
I just wish to say awesome story so far and I'm looking forward to more.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on September 04, 2007, 06:53:30 pm
Poking the fread because I demand moar.

Printed copy is currently circulating around office.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 05, 2007, 05:51:32 pm
After some time was spent dropping into the earth, Name threw a few more switches, and we started moving forward.  Around the ship, the beacon lights showed jagged tunnel walls; a high, pitched ceiling; and a surprisingly smooth floor.  Rough hewn corridors branched off on either side, leading off into more darkness.

What is this place?

This was the proposed rail line between the City, the Mountain, and the Ocean.  It was constructed about ten years ago, but was shut down right before the tunnels were completed.

Whys that?

Oh.  Well, it soon became obvious that no one from either the City, the Mountain or the Ocean really wanted to go to the City, the Mountain or the Ocean that easily.

Makes sense.  Wait.  Did you say shut down before they were completed?

Er, yeah.  But dont worry about it.  The tunnels solid.  They only used lack of interest as a cover story.  Truth is, some of the stations had... unusual psychotecture.

More unusual than normal, then.

Yeah.  You might have heard about it.  Its, well... Its better if I show you.  Look there.  Name swung the spotlight in an arc, and shadows jumped on the jagged walls.  They seemed huge, misshapen.  Vaguely human.  At least, they seemed to have the right number of limbs.  The heads, though... They were abnormally distended, and some of them showed strange appendages, or growths, hanging off to one side.

What the fuck?

Here, let me see if I can Name fishtailed the ship, a quick pivot that made the engines whine like goat with one foot stuck in a blender.  On of the shadows darted to the side, and collapsed into itself as the figure casting it ran to the center of the tunnel.  It was covered with some matted, grimy pelt that was probably once white and pink, and seemed to have paws rather than hands.  It turned towards the ship, and I found myself looking into the glazed, fixed stare of a giant rabbit.  That is, a giant rabbit mask.

No.  Oh, no.  Please dont tell me

It ran at the ship, and leapt at the windshield.  An impressive leap, too, until it hit the massive gravitational field around the ship.  It burst with an impressive sideways, twisting motion.  Its not often you get to see a creature (probably human) wearing a full body rabbit suit get turned inside out due to massive tides created by the gravitational fields of a personal particle collider.  Its fairly impressive.  Half of it was thrown left, half thrown right, before the windshield was painted bright red.  The only thing that made it through was part of a forearm, a bone jutting from one end, and wrapped in some sort of artificial fabric.  It slowly slipped off to one side, as Name pushed a button that began to repel the blood off the ship.

Yup.  Furries.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Darth Cupcake on September 05, 2007, 05:55:33 pm
Exposing our hero to furries?!

Now you're just being cruel, buddy!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on September 05, 2007, 05:56:04 pm
...he went there.





.... :lulz:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 05, 2007, 06:02:52 pm
Slight edit made to death scene.


And yeah.  The furries here are rough.  Just you wait.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Darth Cupcake on September 05, 2007, 06:04:10 pm
Hee hee. I like the new and improved death scene!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on September 05, 2007, 06:08:57 pm
I really, REALLY want RWHN's UFO.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on September 05, 2007, 06:16:45 pm
Yeah, I hear that alot from the ladies. ;)
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on September 05, 2007, 06:27:47 pm
Let's face it, we're really just in it  for your hovering craft.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shadowdaemon on September 13, 2007, 07:09:05 pm
Just felt like popping in and saying I enjoyed the newest chapter. I'm looking forward to more so don't you dare die or something.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 13, 2007, 07:11:45 pm
I'll do my best.

If not, ECH knows how this ends, so you can ask him.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Darth Cupcake on September 13, 2007, 08:00:56 pm
It ends with rule 34.

I don't yet know how, but it will.

This is my prediction.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on September 13, 2007, 08:17:05 pm
Wrong.

Think physically imposing, British public schooled and prone to riding horses in the Wild West.

Cain,
cryptic cluemaster.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 13, 2007, 08:20:40 pm
 :lulz:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Darth Cupcake on September 13, 2007, 09:09:22 pm
Wrong.

Think physically imposing, British public schooled and prone to riding horses in the Wild West.

Cain,
cryptic cluemaster.


Ooh, so Big Gay Cowboys doing the Rule 34 Ballet then?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on September 13, 2007, 09:24:48 pm
Well, if Name is still in the picture I think it should also feature a party/squadron of Vikings.  Just to kind of round things out.   :D
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on September 13, 2007, 09:42:05 pm
Wrong.

Think physically imposing, British public schooled and prone to riding horses in the Wild West.

Cain,
cryptic cluemaster.

Wait...John Wayne?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on September 18, 2007, 06:00:09 pm
Wrong.

Think physically imposing, British public schooled and prone to riding horses in the Wild West.

Cain,
cryptic cluemaster.

Wait...John Wayne?


"John Wayne was a fag."
   \
(http://www.geocities.com/~dr_casto/repo8opt.jpg)
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Idem on October 26, 2007, 03:49:03 pm
Pic is blocked where I'm at, but am I correct in guessing it's that bum in Repo Man?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on October 26, 2007, 05:16:02 pm
Yup.


I was waiting for someone to post, "THE HELL HE WAS!"

But I guess hyper-styleized punk stereotype movies aren't that popular around here.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on October 26, 2007, 05:32:32 pm
I wanted to.  But I really do think John Wayne was a fag.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Idem on October 26, 2007, 06:19:12 pm
That movie was awesome, and if any of you havent seen it, you don't have the right to be here.   :argh!:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Idem on October 26, 2007, 06:19:58 pm
That movie was awesome, and if any of you havent seen it, you don't have the right to be here.   :argh!:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: That One Guy on October 26, 2007, 08:16:24 pm
I wanted to.  But I really do think John Wayne was a fag.

Also, Repo Man is the shit.

Mmmmm ... generic *BEER* and *CHIPS*
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Shit on December 08, 2007, 03:52:37 am
Rambo was a fag.  John Wayne was a toothpick for a dildo.  Mmmmm... [generic] Pie. [/generic]
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: East Coast Hustle on December 10, 2007, 03:10:36 pm
I wanted to.  But I really do think John Wayne was a fag.

TITCM.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Alucard on February 26, 2008, 09:28:42 pm
Moar!! just got done with Principa and BIP . LMNO- PI is the first Eristocratic Fiction. . . erm to my knowledge at least.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Soup on April 13, 2008, 07:21:54 pm
wow just finished whats written so far.............................................. .........AMAZING
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 14, 2008, 03:56:13 pm
I guess that means I should finish up this next installment, huh?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: hoopla on April 14, 2008, 04:04:24 pm
Is it full of 'AU''s with umlauts for anyone else?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 14, 2008, 04:06:55 pm
Must be when we changed servers.

I might have a fresh copy around somewhere.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on April 14, 2008, 04:14:33 pm
Yeah, a lot of the more wordy threads/rants that existed before the server change ended up with that stuff. 
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on April 14, 2008, 05:50:51 pm
Yeah, I definitely recommend adding more. I've actually started re-reading it.  :mrgreen:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 14, 2008, 05:52:27 pm
I think you're in the next chapter, but you might not like it...
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: hoopla on April 14, 2008, 06:24:03 pm
Did your many trysts with the Salazorian "O Monstro" make it in?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on April 14, 2008, 06:40:51 pm
I think you're in the next chapter, but you might not like it...

Am I a 40yr old fat man?!

Do I die?

Am I in some sort of kitchen appliance costume?!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on April 14, 2008, 09:06:18 pm
Yeah, a lot of the more wordy threads/rants that existed before the server change ended up with that stuff. 

it's because of the quotes (the character ").

i suppose you typed it in word, word replaces quotes like " with the funky left/right/upside-down quotes used in proper type.

problem is, they are/were in unicode, and somehow the conversion messed that up.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: hoopla on April 15, 2008, 01:44:10 pm
It sucks, because it makes it very difficult to read.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:37:06 pm
Question: Should I repost from the beginning?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Payne on April 15, 2008, 02:39:11 pm
I think that could be a good idea.

I want to read it all the way through but I get disheartened by the fucked up punctuation.  :cry:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:42:26 pm
LMNO-PI

CHAPTER 1: In the Office.  Morning.

The City.  Cold, grey, full of angles jutting at odd, predictable angles.  A place where anarchy lays just a gunshot away from the uneasy order that has slowly taken over.  Gee, I miss the suburbs.

It was a grey morning, as I groggily lifted my head from my desk.  I vaguely wondered who had cracked open my brain pan & replaced it with charcoal in mid-burn, when I noticed the bottle next to me, a half-inch of amber liquid left.  Right.  Another night of self-pity, in the City that doesnt care.  Coming fully into painful consciousness, I grabbed the bottle & poured the rest of the cheap scotch into last nights glass, fighting the nausea of a new day.

I leaned back in my chair, and looked out the window, at the concrete prison of Ideas that is the City.  There was little traffic this morning, as most people only come to the City when they have to.  Government, Inc. had proclaimed today to be a holiday for tax purposes, so the worker bees stayed in their hives, fearing to tread in the unpredictable streets.

Hearing the outer door open, I ran my fingers through my hair.  Graying already, my temples turning the color of the pavement.  The knock came as I straightened my tie, trying to make it look like I didnt spend the night passed out in an alcoholic haze.

When She walked in, it was like a Krakatoa sunrise.  Short red hair trained to hold the curves of her skull like it was the president of the Clara Bow fan club, and a dress to match.  Legs that went for miles, all standing unsteadily on a pair of heels that could be used as weapons.  What the fuck was she doing here, in this room, in this building, in this City?  She was the kind of woman who threw the unfeeling vastness of the City into pure focus, just by standing there, radiating life.

Are you LMNO?

Some call me that, yeah.

I hear youre a dick.  I need someone to be a dick for me.

Did I mention Im a fan of double entendres, as well?  She smiled, a quick, no-teeth smile of condescension, but I could tell from her eyes she was holding something back. It took a lot to stand the City.  We all have our armor; some of us just hide it better.  What can I do for you, I asked.

Its this, she said, tossing a playing card on my desk.  I picked it up, and noticed it wasnt a playing card, but a Tarot card.  The Tower, to be exact.

Ouch.

She looked worried, and in that moment, it seemed like the entire Universe wanted to protect her, reassure her. What is it? she asked.

Are you trying to tell me something?  Dames like you dont just walk in here and throw Tarot at me.  I usually leave that to the Gypsies.

Someone slipped this into my box last night.

What did I tell you about entendres?

Look, LMNOWhat kind of name is that, anyway?

My parents were librarians.  They liked keeping everything lined up.

I See. She gave me a look like she wasnt sure whether to believe me.  Well, Ive been getting mysterious phone calls over the past few weeks, and now this.  Im frightened.

What kind of phone calls?

Its embarrassing.  I wont tell you, unless you want to take the case. 

I thought about next months rent, and the dwindling case of scotch in the closet.  What the hell, I thought, at least itll be interesting  Sure, dollface, Ill work with you.  Now why dont you tell me about it from the beginning

She sat down in an old, creaky wooden chair. She looked down at her hands, slender and tipped with nails like rubies.

It all started 23 days ago, she began.  I started getting calls on my cell phone.  At first, there was this buzzing, squeaking noise, like a mouse trapped in a fax machine.  I thought it was just some sort of weird atmospheric thing, but after a few times of this, I started to hear messages Oh, I dont know if I can go on.

Relax, have a seat.  Would you like some pie?

What?

Sorry.  Inside joke.  Drink?  I grabbed a glass from a desk drawer, and wiped down the rim with my shirttail.  I stood up, feeling the joints in my knees pop, and the labor union that was my lower back decided to go on strike.   Wincing, I made my way gingerly to the closet, where the last lone bottle of scotch lived.  I cracked the seal, & poured her a finger or two.  Now, what did these voices sound like?

She sipped on the liquor, and made a face. Do you have any ice?

What?  Do you prefer crack?

Im not sure I

Ice?  In scotch?  You dames

Dagger-eyed, she choked down another sip.  The voices, she continued pointedly, were more like muttering.  Whispers.  But gurgled, like they were getting over a head cold.  But also distorted, like a Big Black song.

Wonders never cease, I thought.  Where did a classy broad like this find out about Big Black?  So, what did these eldritch voices say?

I couldnt figure it out, so I wrote it out phonetically.  She reached her delicate hand up, and teased upon the neckline of her dress, slyly slipping her fingers between the fabric and her skin, allowing not so much as a square centimeter of flesh to show, but making anyone looking believe they had seen the hills of the Holy land itself.  This chick is a born tease.  Her hand withdrew from her cleavage, and between the index and middle fingers was a slip of paper.  She unfolded it, and the light scent of her flesh filled the narrow and dusty office.

At that moment, the weak light bulb, not the most friendly of appliances at the best of times, decided to revolt against its electrical masters.  With a flash and a pop, the office grew noticeably darker.  Even with the bright morning light, the grime and soot on the office windows was reluctant to improve the optics inside the room.  Startled, she took a step back, and raised her hand to her delicate ivory throat. 

Fuck, I muttered eloquently.  Reaching into my pockets, looking for a match, or a witticism, I finally produced a lighter, and used it to beat back some of the shadows encroaching on us.  Its ok, I said.  The wiring in this place sucks, but at least the rent doesnt cost me a kidney.

She smiled uneasily, then bent her head to peer at the paper in her hand.  The voices said Aye, eeyo.  Kootooloo fagthan.  Better check on the baby.  Eevoh-hay, Pan-janitor.  And thats how I saved Christmas.  LMNO, what does this mean?  She quickly lifted her head, and looked into my eyes.  I felt like time would stop as her green eyes locked into my blue, it felt like she was crawling up my optic nerves and into my brain, driving those perfect fingers into my cortex, twisting my brain stem around her little finger.

Grunting, I broke the eye contact, shaking my head like some beast with a nose full of porcupine quills.  How did she do that?  I took the slip of paper from her, desperately hoping our fingers didnt touch.  Let me look at that.  Oh, and if Im going to take you case, I better know what to call you.

You can call me Erin.

***      ***     ***     ***     ***
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:43:22 pm
CHAPTER 2:  Face-Raping Bats!

Well, Erin, let me see this cell phone of yours, I said.  She reached into her purse (purse?  Did she have a purse when she walked in?  How could she have kept that hidden?) and pulled out your typical-style phone.  High-end, no doubt, but just the same as any other:  Black, smaller than a deck of cards, and vaguely sinister-looking.  She laid it on the desk, and glanced up at me.

I know it sounds stupid, but Im almost afraid to touch it.  Looking quickly at the phone, not wanting to get lost in her eyes a second time, I noticed it had a few deep scratches in the back, where the battery gets recharged.

Whats this?

Well, after about a week of these strange calls, I lost my nerve, and sort of snapped.  I threw the phone at the wall.  It didnt stop the calls, though.

I picked up the phone, opened it, & began dialing a string of digits.  Well, lets see if we can figure out where these calls are coming from.

I tried Star 69, but it didnt seem to work.

Letting another innuendo slip by, I said, Well, thats because you use the Government, Inc.s services.  You know as well as I do that ever since the National This-Is-For-Your-Own-Good-Just-Trust-Us Act of 2006 passed, no information request will ever provide accurate information, just add your name to the ever-growing list of people who want to Know Too Much.

Looking around nervously, she said, I had to take a chance.

Dont worry about it.  These days, the list includes about 98% of the population.  Government, Inc. uses Quantum Information Storage, but they havent gotten around to figuring out how to make a Quantum Processor yet.  So its like finding a speck of dust in the middle of the galaxy.

A small smile flickered at the corner of her mouth.  I noticed that her lips, full and red like the promise of a pomegranate just before the bitterness sets in, had a small, almost miniscule scar running from the top edge of the left cupids bow diagonally to the bottom lip, like she was delicately brutalized at some great distance in her past, or had fallen out of a willow tree as a child.  It was the smallest and most perfect of flaws on a flawless face, the unnatural error of symmetry calling attention to her impeccable beauty.  So how is it, Mr. LMNO, that you plan to get around Government Inc.s little plan?

Ah, it all depends on your connections, dollface.  I know a couple of Scrids down at MegaTeleComTech, and they owe me a favor.

They use Scrids?  Her forehead folded upon itself slightly, and I realized that was the look of someone whos not used to being puzzled, when the muscles have all but forgotten the feeling of a frown.

Well, with the millions of signals coming down the wires & flying through the air every second, who else but genetically-modified, hyper-intelligent Giant Land Squids are they going to use?  The phone on the other end of the line was ringing, so I held up one finger, not wanting to be any ruder than I had to be to Erin.  After all, if she was going to be paying me, she was my employer.  The line picked up.

Hey, Randy? ...Yeah, its LMNO I know, I know, not since September Mmm Hmmm How the brood?  Great, great  Look, Randy, I have to call in that favor  No, that didnt count, because I wasnt the one who got the wires crossed  Yeah, well, tell it to the wall  Ok, fine.  25%, and a sack of mollusks.  Listen, Randy, what I need from you is to keep a tracer on this phone, number 333-2342, and to track all incoming calls.  Yeah? Great.  If you can do this for me, were even. Right  Ok.  Ill call you again when I need the number.

I hung up, and looked at Erin, still struggling with the glass of scotch.  Pouring another for myself, I said, Well, thats that.  All we have to do now is wait for another call.

Suddenly the phone rang.  I snatched it up, and a sickly whine burst from the receiver.

KkkkkkkkkssssssssBellandBookandFlamesssssssskkkkkkkFeartheComingOfAeaiiiinSooooffffhhh
UsurperoftheClowntroddenggggggggggggggggggg  The line went dead.

That was pretty freaky, I said.  I turned to look at Erin.  She had contracted somehow, drawing herself into herself, her eyes wide with fear.  She grabbed my glass, and drained it, her face never changing expression.

Its ok.  Im calling Randy now.  I dialed up the Scrid, and waited as the connection was made.  Randy?  Yeah, its me again.  I need to knowWHAT?  How is that possible?  No, I dont think youre lying, thats genetically impossible, thats why its so much fun playing poker with you Could you triple-check that?  I see. I hung up.

What?  What?  Erin was literally on the edge of her seat, chest heaving with anticipation, temporarily driving all other thoughts out of my head.  Coming back to myself, I put the phone carefully on my desk.

He said the call was coming from inside the phone itself, I said, as I drew my gun. 

I dont like guns.  I mean, when I have to use them.  Sure, target practice is fine, and it gives you a certain manliness quotient, holding the powerful and explosive Doom Cock like some hero from TV, but when it really comes down to needing to use a gun, everything becomes uncomfortable.

Case in point: Right now, the nine millimeter in my hand felt all too heavy, and the smell of cordite and oil filled my nostrils.  I held Death in my hand, I wielded Violence.  And right now, it was pointed at a small piece of plastic on my desk.

Erin started, Wait.  How can the call have originated inside the phone when the phone rang again.  But it didnt so much ring, as shriek.  Digital feedback, mixed with good old fashioned Screaming of the Damned, from what I could tell, filled the office.  The scratches down the back of the cell phone widened and split, following some sort of pre-described demarcations, splitting the top half down the middle, and spreading out either side, while what looked like legs began sprouting from the lower half.

sssskkkkskkskkkkkkYourASoulWillSufferAgonyssskkkksttttshshshhhhhTearYourSkinUntilPainBecomesYourOnlyFriend... akehhekkksskkkkskkkkksssYouWillKnowNoFriendButThe PainOfYouSoulandTheEmptinessOfYouLifeskjjehhddded

Oh, My God, Erin cried.  Its EMO!

Wings burst through the back of the phones, and buzzed furiously.  Launching itself


The editors of LMNO-PI would like to interrupt at this point and note that the face-raping bat scene has been deleted, seeing as how the Author of this petty drama is currently both sleep-deprived and hungover, and wrote, what we here all agree, was a pretty bad and tasteless scene.  Needless to say, this chapter is filled with weak adjectives, and horrible similes, such as plummeted through the air like a Pearl Harbor bomber, and the like.  The Editors would like to apologize to the readers, and to assure you that this passage should contain Horrific and Wildly Exciting descriptions of LMNOs ferocious and chaotic gunfight with the Strangely Demonic Face-Raping Bat Cell Phone.  We apologize for the interruption.

The last bullet hit home, and hit true.  The phone exploded into shards of plastic and bits of newly-formed flesh, and what seemed to be fluttering bits of paper.  The newly found silence was almost stifling compared to the screams and gunshots.  I slid the gun back into its holster, and grabbed one of the slips of paper out of the air.  It was completely covered with Ones and Zeroes.

Damn.  Im not enough of a geek to read machine code raw.

What. The fuck.  Was that!?

Ill explain it to you in the car.  Right now, we have to get out of here.

I put that up to my EAR!

I know.  It likes that sort of thing.  But we have to go.  I need this translated.

Where are we going?

I need this read, fast.  So were going to a bar.

WHAT?  Are you serious?  We just got attacked by that that thing

Face-Raping bat.

Whatever, and youre thinking about getting drunk?  Not to mention, where are you going to find a place open right now?

Easy.  Its the only bar open at this hour of the morning.  The Open Bar.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:45:24 pm
CHAPTER 3: Whos Up For Some Exposition?
 
I grabbed my shabby leather trench coat as we left the office, making our way down the dimly-lit, musty corridor to the street.  The wiring here was as bad as the office, and the flickering bulbs did nothing to calm Erins nerves.  Against my better judgment, I offered her my arm.  With a wan smile, she placed her palm in the crook of my elbow, and drew close.

The scent coming off her, like the fields of Amsterdam, like the first rain of summer, mounted a frontal attack on my brain, as the pressure from her fingertips made me think of what those hands could do, in another time, another place.  Dammit!  Get a hold on yourself, L!  And yes, I know that was another pun.  Shut it!  Dont think that shes gonna get over the Face-Raping Bat anytime soon!

Turning towards me, Erin said, I still dont see why were going to a Bar.

Not just any bar, honey.  This one is Special.

Special like mine is the power and the glory special, or special like I need help wiping my own ass special?

I chuckled.  Neither, doll face.  There are some pretty weird characters who hang out there who might help us with this.  I pulled the scrap of binary code from my pocket, & she flinched, but kept her cool.

Your friends, I bet.

Well, some of them.  Others lets just say we have an uneasy truce.

Hmph.  Sounds like any other joint in the City.

Ah.  But can you say that any other bar will talk back to you?  Leaving that last comment hanging, I opened the front doors onto the street. 

The City loomed through the threshold, the grim oppressiveness pushing down on your shoulders almost immediately.  It wasnt supposed to be like this, originally.  There was something about the way the City was built.  Psychotecture they called it.  The theory was that the brain interpreted angles in the same way it interpreted feelings and emotions.  Make the angle big enough, prominent enough, and it will affect your mood.  Of course, the possibilities were huge, and Government, inc. ate that shit up like pancakes.  The designers got to work, like Frank Lloyd Wright on steroids, plotting out the buildings, the streets, even the lampposts.  Great idea, right?  Make the City what you want it to be:  The financial center attentive, focused, and precise, the Restaurant district warm, inviting, etc.

When it was finished, the designers submitted the City to Government, inc. who then did what they always did:  Auction off to the lowest bidder.  Who, of course, will cut corners.  Literally.  The precise distances and angles the designers calculated were eyeballed, estimated, and (occasionally) eliminated.  When it was all done, the City was a mockery of itself, a concrete and steel grotesque, oppressive and forbidding, even on the brightest Spring day.  Needless to say, the suicide rate in the City shot up 1723% in the first year after completion.  No wonder no one left their windowshade up for long. 

Pulling up my collar, we hunched against the psychic assault of the City in all its vast malevolence, and made our way to the car.  A silver, beat-to-shit late model beast, it contrasted sharply against the sleek and sinister beauty of the latest models parked nervously alongside.

Holy shit, Erin said, bemused.  Does that thing run on gas, still?

Never got around to installing the hydro cell converter.

Where do you find the cash to refill the damn thing?

I try not to use it that often, but today, were in a hurry, and since theres no one on the road yet, I figure we can get away with it.

Damn, I think I will need a drink after riding in that piece of junk.

Just get in.  Weve got to get to the Open Bar before the Troll gets too drunk.

Were actually looking for a Troll?

A collective, actually, I said, hitting the started, & gunning the car to life.  The engine fought me for a second, as if it knew it wasnt long for this world, and just wanted to fade away into rust, but then it remembered why it was made, and let out an angry roar as it cleared its pipes of any carbon that might be in its steel throat.

Weve got to find Aini.

~~~

We drove in silence for a few minutes.  Well, relative silence, anyway, as the car grumbled, coughed, & roared its way through the mostly empty streets of the City.  I glanced over at Erin.  She had a look on her face like a John Singer-Sargent painting, deep but not revealing any secrets.

Ok.  Fine.  Youre saying the only way to figure out whatever thatthat

Face-Raping Bat.

Yeah, Face-Raping Batwas doing is to find a Troll collective.  Fine.  But what do you mean about the Bar talking back to you?

I sighed.  Listen.  This is a delicate subject, because Im not sure if Government, Inc. knows about it.  You remember when they came up with Quantum Storage, so they could collect almost infinite data on everyone in the country?

Yeah.  There was a big protest about it.

Until most of the protesters were killed in the Accident.  Anyway, a few who got away went underground, where they were able to hack their way into Government Inc.s system & see what was really going on.  What they found was, like I said earlier, a system of storage, but no way of processing the information fast enough.  The Quantum Processor simply couldnt survive the massive amount of energy required to make it run.

But what does that have to do with a Bar?

Im getting there.  These underground hackers decided that they were going to try & beat Government, Inc to the punch and develop their own Quantum Processor, so they could stay a step ahead of the Christ Squads and to keep tabs on the Claw Shrimp.  Their breakthrough came when they realized the only solution was to bring the Quantum process to the Macro world.  That way, the larger bodies could handle the energy needed without breaking down.

Their next problem was to somehow manifest tangible Quantum symptoms in a visible form.  Luckily, these werent your usual Hackers.  They decided to throw everything they had at the problem, so they tried combining their technical and mathematical skills with some... unorthodox methods.

Unorthodox.

Yeah.  They hooked up with a Kabbalist (a real Kabbalist), a couple of Ceremonial Magicians, a Tarot card reader, and combined that with their resident Tantrist--

Sex Magic?  Are you serious?

Serious as the Popes feeding tube.  She was able to raise enough kundalini to manifest a fairly good representation of the Tree of Life as pure energy, but it wouldnt stay still.  It was too unpredictable.  It kept changing, & breaking down.  After taking a break, they had some tequila, and realized that it they had to embrace the unpredictability, not control it.  Perhaps it was because they were all pretty drunk, but they decided that since perception helped shape quantum actions, then they should make the laboratory into a bar, which is perhaps the most unpredictable place a person can go.

Now youre putting me on.  Erin began to pout, and I almost drove the car into a streetlamp before I pulled myself together enough.

Youd think I was, but get this:  By adding the element of chaos to the probability equations of Quantum mechanics, the Orgone energy from sexual charge, and the altered consciousness of Magic and Tarot, something happened: Tangible, macro, collapsing wave states.  In that environment, in that place, you could, just by thinking about it, create whatever you wanted.  Granted, it wasnt quite the Quantum Processor they were looking for, but damn, it was fun.  They decided to not only keep it a secret, but keep the bar part up and running, with entrance available to only those who know.



I know, it sounds like bullshit.  It gets worse.  A few months ago, the bar somehow gained sentience.

Thats it.  Let me out of the car.

Wait.  Think about it.  Whet is the human mind but information being strung together in random ways?  What is consciousness but an enormous probability?  The Macro wave states had existed for so long, they started self-regulating.  Youll see.  Were almost there.

Softly, subtly, we had slid into a darker part of the city.  We had left the relative eeriness of the Citys residential district, and had entered the pseudo-psychotic Warehouse District.  Graffiti dedicated to Hastur and Nyarlotep fought with each other, and you could see the glint of wide eyes and sharp knives in every dark angle large enough to hide a body (or two).  The occasional working streetlight did nothing but push the surrounding darkness to a more sinister, inky mess.

I gotta warn you, dollface, the Open Bar is a little different than most of the places youve probably been to.

Oh, really?  She finally smiled again, briefly, like she had more secrets than she knew what to do with.  And how do you know where Ive been?

Im just saying, even with the self-regulating Quantum consciousness, the wave states are unstable, and need constant maintenance and upkeep.

Meaning what, exactly?

Well, why fix what isnt broke?  The same processes that brought it into being are used to keep it going.

You mean, tantric sex, excessive drinking, and strange pagan rituals

Exactly.  And Math, of course.

Of course.

I stopped the car.  Were here.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:51:42 pm
CHAPTER 4: The Open Bar; Showdown.

As she stepped out of the car, Erin said, Youve got to be kidding me. 

We were standing in front of a narrow door, attached to a cramped, squat, suspiciously non-Euclidian building sandwiched between two hulking behemoth towers that loomed overhead, windows shattered like broken teeth, or spare eye sockets gouged out of the walls.

I know, I know.  They like a certain sense of mystery abut it.  Makes em feel dangerous.  I took her hand (the sensation of my fingers entwining with her made me think of copulating Seraphim, of snakes in the spring), and led her to the door.  Hey, OB! I shouted at the door.

Who are They? Erin whispered.  I didnt have a chance to answer, as the surface of the door swelled, and suddenly had the appearance of a round, friendly face, about three times the size of a normal head.

L, how are you?  IThe huge eyes rolled towards Erin, and scowled.  Erin let out a muffled shriek and flinched back, as the door looked her up and down.  What do you think youre doing, L?

Shes a client, OB.  Play nice.  We were just assaulted by a cell phone.

You sure?  She looks too good to be one of yours

Hey, thanks a lot, OB!  Now, are you going to let us in, or am I gonna have to do this the hard way?

The door grinned, Oh, I was just kidding.  We know your credit is good here.  Cmon in.  The face disappeared, and the door was a door again.

Erin looked at me quizzically.  Whats the hard way?

I chuckled.  Darling, there is no hard way.  The Open Bar likes to play that its just a little kid, having awoken only a few months ago.  But really, it basically could control everything that happens in itself.  This includes entering.  Its a good thing we raised the energy through sex and not violence.  I wouldnt want that much negative energy in one consciousness.  I prefer his silly goof at immaturity.

OBs face popped out of the door again.  I heard that.

You were supposed to.  The face disappeared again, and I grabbed the doorknob.  Turning to Erin, I said, you ready for this? as I swung the door open.

I guess so Holy shit!  On the other side of the door was an enormous room, wood-paneled, with large wooden columns supporting a stories-high vaulted roof.  There were tables scattered about, an enormous mahogany bar with brass railings, a stage off to one side, and what looked to be private rooms in back.  Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds cover of All Tomorrows Parties emanated from nowhere in particular.  The place was about three-quarters full, and filled with all sorts of odd types: Scrabblists, Emo kids, Metalheads, Drunken Buddhists, Renegade Kareokists, and the Ubiquitous Barflys.  I led Erin over to the bar, where a man with an enormous polystyrene nose was wiping a glass down with his shirttail.

Hey, Mangrove, two martinis.

He looked up.  LMNO, havent seen you here in a while.  Whos the lovely lady?

Ah, yes.  Erin, this is Mangrove.  Mangrove, Erin.

A pleasure, Mangrove said, as two martini glasses filled with expensive gin and a lemon rind delicately twisted along the rims materialized in front of us.  Erin looked at them dubiously.

Its ok, I said.  Look up.

The ceiling was barely visible, as there were oddly shimmering darts of light folding in upon themselves, in a perpetual mobius strip of color and illumination.  What is that? asked Erin, enraptured.  I turned to her to answer, and was momentarily caught up in the sense of wonder she radiated, the raucous noise of the bar dimmed, the rest of the world faded away.

Um.  The, ah  I followed her gaze up, and came back to myself.  Those are the collapsing wave states.  Theyre what made the Open Bar.  When you concentrate hard enough, one of the wave states will fold the universe into what you were thinking about.  Thats how we got this place to look the way it does.  Apparently, OB can fold space-time.  Mang here decided that a good bar should always be almost full, but never packed, because it adds to a atmosphere of solidarity and community.  Or Something.  Did I get that right?

Indubitably, L.  Now miss... Erin, was it?

Yes.

Erin.  LMNO tends to get snobbish about his drinks, I was wondering if you would like anything other than the bitter taste of gin?  Mangrove had a sly grin on his face as he asked.  I knew what he was up to.

Erin smiled back.  A white wine, if you please.  Sauvignon Blanc, preferably.

Absolutely.  A chilled glass of wine appeared in front of her.  I decided to step in before things got out of hand.

Mang, were looking for Aini.

Why the fuck would you deliberately look for her?

Face-Raping Bat  Its a long story.  Ill tell you later.  Anyway, is she around?

Back corner.  Just look for the large amount of people deliberately avoiding her.

Thanks.  I grabbed my glass, and took a long pull.  This was gonna be tough.  One more thing, Mang, I said.

What, pray tell?

Lemme get a cold wrought-iron crowbar.

~~~

With the cold iron crowbar in hand, I inclined my head in Erins direction.  Look, if you dont want to deal with this, you can stay here with Mang.  Not only would he enjoy the experience, hed also the closest to the Bar, so youd be perfectly safe.  Not to mention, I think OB has a crush on you.

What do you mean?

Look to your left.  A bouquet of flowers had appeared, hovering in the air, and lowered itself into a vase which rose from the bartop.  Then a box of chocolates appeared.  See?  What a hopeless romantic.

A voice emanating from nowhere in particular said, I heard that.

Erin patted the railing, smiled, and said, Um thanks, uh, OB, but I really have to take care of this.  Straightening up, she looked at me with steely determination, and said, Somebody, somewhere, is trying to scare me, and just recently tried to hurt me.  So Im in for the long haul.  Lets go do this.

Fair enough.  I turned, and began searching out our Troll.

It wasnt hard to find her:  There was only one place in the Bar that people were reluctant to go.  A moat of empty tables and chairs surrounded a hazy mass that only slightly resembled a young woman with wings on her back.  From a distance, it looked like an out-of-focus photograph, but it shimmered, like a heat mirage.  Then you could hear her:  From where we were, it was a low buzzing, like cicadas from a mile off, but as we drew closer, you could start making things out.

Meep3.14592 A FAGGOT WHO LOVES TO MASTURBATE WHILE EDITING POSTS INTO PERVERTED MESSAGESoracles are dumb, and psychics are always wrong meep 65358979323846264 I sprinkle you with fairy dust...

Erin stopped.  Whats going on?  What is that?

That, is the Aini collective.  Millions of nano-bots, all loosely connected by a driving urge to annoy as many people as possible.  The thing is, each of the bots has a tiny spark of independent thought, which makes her a bit tough to talk to if you dont get her attention first.

meep 3383279502884 Stop changing what I say...

But why does she... it Erin trailed off, dumbfounded.

I know, she has that effect on people.  Let me handle it.

How?  How are you going to be able to deal with nano-bots?

The thing is, she thinks shes a fairy.  Shes convinced herself so much so, that she actually plays by the ancient rules of fairly lore.  I hefted the crowbar.  Hence the cold wrought iron.  Oh, which reminds meTurn your pockets inside out.

I dont have pockets.  She motioned downwards at herself, and I foolishly looked.  Her tight red dress clung to her hips like clingfilm, detailing the smooth curves of her body, a shallow dip where her thighs met, the gentle and slight protrusions of her hipbones.  It was the promise of heaven, the inevitability that all men succumb, the literal birthplace of desire.

THEY HAVE CARNAL RELATIONS WITH GOATS!!... Meep

Ainis incessant ranting brought me around again.  We were now face to faces, the bots coalescing, trying to approximate a face and a body, but their independence made them unable to agree on an appearance.  The result was not unlike seeing the corpse of a young girl covered with insects.

Aini, I want to talk with you.  This is Erin.

This is Erin 1971693993751058209749445923 I want to talk with you meepI ate yew.  Yum!  Squirrels are stupidfairy dust

Im serious.  Hey!  Are you listening?

Are you listening?...I didnt say that, why are you making me say that?... 06647093GOAT FUCKER!

Enough of this shit, I muttered as I drew back with the crowbar, and swung it as hard as I could at Ainis head.  The front part of her face sheared off, as hundreds of bots died, falling to the floor, no more than silicon and nanowires. 

Aini shrieked, and quickly rose from the table, up, and up, her faux wings pretending to flap, as the nanobots quickly re-arranged themselves to form a bow in her hand.  I shoot an arrow at your head! she cried, and let loose a stream of bots.  Erin screamed, and ducked under a table.

Fuck you.  I swung again, and the arrow dissolved into angry dust.  Using the crook of the crowbar, I hooked Ainis foot, shearing it off at the knee.  OB!  Window! I yelled.  A beautiful stained glass window appeared in the wall, just as I hurled Ainis leg.  It shattered in a beautiful rainbow of glass, the shards of which disappeared before falling among the other patrons.  A few cheered and clapped in appreciation of the show.  I owe Agent Compassion for that move, I thought.  Damn, I owe her a dollar.

Aini! Listen up, I yelled.  I need your hyper math!

Oh.  She fluttered down.  Whats up?

I sighed.  Why is it always this hard?  I handed her the slip of paper I got from the face-raping bat.  This looks like machine code.  I need to know what it says.

Did you know I can find out anyones IP address and then change it at will?  Its easy!... Meep

I swung the crowbar again, this time catching her in the side with a satisfying crunch.  I could hear the thousands of tiny robots pulverized.  Damn, it felt good.  PAY ATTENTION!

Ow!  Dammit!  Ok, ok Its mixed format its repeating XVI and 16 a few times  Oh look, the inevitable 23  Its throwing a lot of purposeful gibberish between 7s and 8s ok, a few words here... Neztach Hod Stupid psychics  Ok, skipping a bit  Ah.

What?

Hope you like the bohemian scene.

Aini

Whatever this is, and wherever you got it, Aini said with what approximated a knowing grin, it came from the shop at 42nd and 13th.  Dont forget your beret... meep

I knew when not to push it any further.  I abruptly turned around, grabbed Erin by the elbow, and quickly walked away.  Dont look back, I muttered.  The crowd parted for us as we made our way back to the front of the bar.

GOAT FUCKER!!... I didnt say that, you made me do it 64709384460955058223 yer not kewl, and yew know it[/size]meep meep[/size]

Just ignore her, I said.  It will soon seem like a dream.

It already seems like a dream.

Mang!  More drinks!  Make em doubles! 

Mangroves nose awaited us, with the rest of him behind it.  Hell, after that performance, why dont you just take the bottle?

Fine by me.  Make it scotch.

Mang rolled his eyes.  But of course.  Erin?

Demurely, she said, Better make it scotch for me, as well.  She turned to me, and said, so, did you understand anything she was babbling about?

Yeah, one or two things.  I have to work out some of the details, but I know where we have to go next.

And that would be

What do you know about poetry?

Its usually bad, and it takes place in coffee shops?

Right both times.  But dont worry.  The coffee there is excellent.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:52:15 pm
CHAPTER 5: Delays.

Editor's Note: The Author is currently being put to work on an extremely boring and tedious bit of litigation. The reason this affects you, dear reader, is that he will be temporarily be unable to continue the Exciting Icelandic Saga-- um, that is, the Gripping Detective Novel that is "LMNO-PI". We apologize for the delay, and assure you, dear reader, that this story is in no way over. Why, we haven't gotten to the Caffeinatrixx, or the Triple Doom Oracles, or the Haiku battels, or the Scrabbleists! Not to mention the exciting conclusion... Actually, we're just hoping it's exciting, since we have no idea how this is going to turn out....
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:53:05 pm
CHAPTER 6: Bad Elements and Coffee.

Getting back into the car, Erin asked, So now what?

Now we go to the place your phone originated.  Somewhere in that bit of code was its Location of Origin.  Those kinds of devices tend to have Meta Code built into it, so any one line of code contains up to 23 other aspects of the program.

And that Troll was able to read that?

Yeah.  Aini may be fucking annoying, but she has her uses.  Sometimes.  But I try not to push it.

And it came from a Coffee Shop?  No, wait, let me guess Its actually a transdimensional Communist Dojo actively engaged in bringing down the Establishment.

Actually, thats more the NSRAs style.

The what?

New Soviet Red Army.  Im not willing to get them involved yet.  You know things are going poorly when you need to get them involved.  Kinda like killing a mosquito with a bazooka.

But, a coffee shop.

It really does seem ridiculous, doesnt it?  But these quasi-bohemian college-lifestyle hangouts really are the best places for breeding dissent, and for staging unpredictable acts of subversion.  What Cop is going to be able, not only to fit in, but to be able to sift through the conversations going on in one of those places and figure out which ones are flights of fancy, which ones are honest plots, and which ones are coded messages?

But LMNO, you seem to know these places pretty well.  You even seem to be friendly with some of these people.  And you say my phone came from there?

Technically, yes, according to Aini.  But all she really knew was what home base the phone was programmed to report.  And since theres no screening policy at the shop, and they have public computer access  Well, theres no telling who could have been there.

Ah.  Hey, Erin motioned to the dank streets and storefronts of The City.  We just passed the Starbucks

You are aware, of course, that coffee is not a trademarked beverage, yes?

No.

As it turns out, marketing material aside, Starbucks doesnt own coffee, nor the practice of making it.  I swear, usually I joke about Illuminati plots and the Starbucks conspiracy, but when they were able to successfully outbid and out-brand virtually all other coffee companies, I wasnt so sure.  Suffice it to say, any current alternative coffee places are Underground.

Like the Bar we were just at?

Well, not so underground.  The place isnt conscious, and its open to the public.  But its run by a very stern mistress:  The Caffeinatrixx.

We pulled up to a freshly-painted monstrosity of concrete inside the University Row District.  The beams and rebar the contractors used in this section of the city were of such poor quality, they started folding in on themselves almost immediately.  The precise angles, meant to relax and mentally stimulate, were horrible to contemplate now, and produced such headaches of anyone looking at them for too long that the college dropout rate eventually became 100%.  The hum of human activity inside the building compared to the barren street would be welcoming to even the most claustrophobic sociophobe.  We stepped inside before the psychotecture became too much.

Inside, the air was thick with exotic cigarette smoke and the rich smell of roasting coffee.  There were hundreds of people here, sitting at small tables, some trying to pose as sophisticated intellects, others trying their best to stay awake, their eyes skittering to and fro, their fingers twitching slightly.

Erin grabbed my arm, and leaned in close, her perfume cutting through the atmosphere of the coffee shop, making me dizzy, thinking about rope swings, and summer ponds.  What the hell is that?

I looked in the direction she was pointing.  At first glance, it was a woman.  A beautiful woman, bound by a black leather corset and a mini skirt.  But then a second look revealed the differences: From her head sprouted two cat ears, and poking out beneath her skirt was a tail that swished lightly in the air as if testing the environment for prey.  She was talking to a small table of people, and when she smiled, you could see the needle point of her razor sharp teeth.  But cat ears and a tail werent the oddest things about her.  When she moved, it became obvious that her knees bent in the opposite direction, much like a cat standing on its hind legs.  Thats Malaul.  The Caffeinatrixx, I said.  Her ears twitched in my direction, and she turned.

Scowling, she stalked over to us, a growl in her throat.  She flexed her fingers, and claws extended from where her fingernails should have been.

Maybe this wasnt such a good idea, I said

~~~

Where the FUCK have you been?

Malaul crossed the final three yards between us with one bound, and she was up in my face.  You think you can just walk in here, after slipping a way like that--

Hi, Mal, I--

Dont give me any of your sweet talk, L!  I know you too good for that.  Dont think you can just waltz in here Mrurrrrrrr  Quicker than a blink, she grabbed me, pulled me to her, and kissed me. 

She smelled like the desert, rich with heat, with the ever-looming sense of danger, and death.  She tasted like chocolate and coffee.  Her claws dug into my back, and her tail wrapped around my leg.  Ill never get used to that tail, I thought.  I eased back into the kiss, like a song you only remember at dawn.  Her rough tongue lapped at me, as I did my best to avoid cutting myself on her teeth.

Abruptly, she let me go, and I stumbled, trying to catch my breath, and my balance.  Malaul had noticed Erin, and her eyes narrowed into slits.  Uh oh. 

L, she breathed.  Dont tell me you brought one of your new sluts into this place, after all this time.  Her sharp teeth glinted in the light.

Erin glared back.  Look, whoever-you-are.  No one calls me a slut and gets away with it.

Malaul laughed, and swiped at Erins face, her claws missing by a centimeter.  Erin flinched; Malaul smiled.  We can settle this right here, bitch.  We can charge admission as everyone watches me tear strips from your skin.  Wont be the first time.

I decided it was time to step in.  Mal.  Mal.  Shes a client.  Im on a case.

The hell you are.

Seriously.  This is Erin.  Erin, Malaul, the Caffeinatrixx.  Mal, Erin has been getting strange calls, and her phone just turned into a face-raping bat an hour ago.  I took a chance, and reached up to scratch Malaul behind the ears.  Her claws withdrew to wherever they go. 

Murrr So why are you here?

Over at the Open Bar, Aini said that the phone was directed to go here.  Probably from one of the open terminals.  At Ainis name, Malauls ears flattened back, and she scowled. 

And you believe her.  Hmph.  Well, I guess thats the risk you run when you run an open source caf.  The logs are in the back.  You two want something to drink while you wait?

Espresso, with a splash of grappa.  Erin?

Just plain coffee, please.  Black.

Malaul laughed.  Honey, in here, its never plain.  She walked to the end of the caf, gliding in only the way a woman whose knees bend backward can.

Watching Malaul disappear behind the swinging doors of the Caf's kitchen, Erin turned to me and said, "You seem to know her quite well."

"Well, Mal was the original and Lead Tantrist involved in creating the Open Bar. I met her just before she started work on that. She's spent much of her life exploring the various sensual disciplines, like Tantra, Taoist sexual techniques, the Kama Sutra, Thelemite sex magic, and the like. The Hackers were lucky to find her. That was one of the last projects she did before the change."

"Projects? Change?"

"Well, as it turns out, after years of practice and personal fulfillment, Malaul decided to share with the world. She had so much excess Kundalini energy, she dedicated herself to, essentially, recharge humanity's Orgone batteries. The Hackers convinced her to use that extra energy in constructing the Bar. Soon after that, she went in for genetic body modification."

"..."

"Yeah, you didn't think all that was simply prosthetics, or grafted on, did you? That goes down to the genetic level. As it turns out, when you alter your DNA, the chakras move as well, and the act of raising Kundalini changes. Mal was thrilled, for she had new worlds to explore."

"So why is all of this taking place in... well, places like this?"

"I figure it's half a joke. The whole college/university/bohemian thing not only creates a relaxed environment for the participants, but what Cop in their right mind is going to try to monitor a coffeehouse like this, and attempt to filter out what's a real conspiracy, what's simply stream-of-thought bullshit, and what is actually coded messages? It adds a level of security, all neatly wrapped up in unpredictable chaos. You can't get a better system of disinformation that a bunch of pseudo-intellectuals sitting around getting jacked up on coffee."

You said that already.

You asked already.

Oh.  Yeah.

Through the din and the crowd, I could see Malaul walking back with our drinks. Setting them down, she said, "Well, I hate to admit it, but Aini's right. Whoever was using the terminals tried to hide their tracks, but I think I can get some information out of it. I'll get one of my boys to work on it." She glanced at me, and turned her head towards Erin. "Sorry about all that earlier. You know how it is."

Erin smiled thinly. "I suppose."

"Oh, don't be like that." Malaul looked Erin up and down slowly, and arched an impossible eyebrow. "You know, L," she said, never taking her eyes of Erin, "I have a few... experiments... in back that I'm sure both you and... Erin would be interested in."

"Tempting, Mal, but she really is a client. Maybe next time?"

She sighed. "I suppose. You just stay here, and enjoy your coffee. I'll send a boy out when the information surfaces." Malaul walked back to the end of the caf, catching the eyes of several patrons along the way, and disappeared in the crowd. Erin sipped her coffee.

"My god!"

"I know. It's almost criminal to have something this good."

"Starbucks should be burnt to the ground."

"Don't think it hasn't been tried by the Church of Foamy."

Just then, the door burst open, and dozens of people spilled in the door, making a hell of a racket, carrying bottles of rum and whiskey. They were mostly unkempt, disheveled, drunk, and had a crazed look in their eyes. They ran for a corner, and began chanting, "A challenge! Hear, hear! Who now wants to challenge us! They shall be destroyed!" The Caf's other customers began giving them room, some hastily grabbing cups of their precious coffee and trying their hardest not to be noticed.

I stood up. "We better move somewhere a little quieter."

"What's the matter?"

"Didn't you hear that? 5-7-5. They're starting a Haiku Battle."

The yelling intensified, and I noticed more then a few of them looking at us. Too late, I thought. The chant shifted. "It's LMNO! You should know better than that, to come back in here!" They streamed out , forming a rough circle around us. I turned to Erin. "Sit tight, and keep your head down, this may get messy."

I slowly turned in a circle, until I found the greasy-haired degenerate I was looking for. "Hello Paul. What's this? A glutton for punishment? I don't have all day."

The crowd cheered. The Battle was on.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:57:23 pm
CHAPTER 7: Syllables Count.

The historical tradition of Haiku Battle dates back to when the intelligentsia were blacklisted by Government, inc. Over-educated and under-employed, grad students, MENSA candidates (the society itself was outlawed and driven underground in '07), and previously tenured professors fell through the cracks; and like any marginalized and underprivileged social group, soon tribalized and turned rogue. In the beginning, they were still unaccustomed to violence, and settled on spontaneous haiku to work out any confrontations. Several years toughened them up, however, and now the haiku were merely preambles to savage beatings, and occasionally death. Paul was their current leader, and a fairly sharp poet. I was going to have to play this one carefully.

The crowd traditionally called out the topics. I sized them up, trying to see what disciplines they were leaning toward. I soon found out: "Irrational Numbers!" a scrawny kid with glasses shouted out. Paul cleared his throat, and began:

"An endless number,
Square root of negative one.
Math is for the birds."

The crowd murmured appreciatively. Well, at least they chose an easy one to start with, I thought. I said:

"They do not exist
Except inside our own minds.
Magic, to be sure."

Silence. Then a brutish thug of a Classics professor wielding a bat stepped up, and calmly swung hard into Paul's shoulder. Paul didn't flinch, but you could see the rage in his eyes. After all, he was used to this, and while I may have crossed paths with him once or twice, he did this for fun. A young woman stepped forward. "Mayflies," she uttered, and stepped back. It was my turn to begin this time. Mayflies?

"Pesky little beast.
More than one hand can deal with.
Where's the flyswatter?"

Guffaws erupted from the mob. Shit. A dread-locked English Lit grad student shouted, "He ended with a preposition! He ended with a preposition!" Paul, with an evil grin, puffed his chest out, and said:

"It lives for one day.
An Eternity for them;
For us, a moment."

Ok, that was pretty good, I thought, as Paul grabbed the neck of a rum bottle and swung it at my head, catching me directly in the mouth. My lip split wide open, blood splattering the faces of a few nearby Pure Math hoodlums, who giggled psychotically. I felt a tooth loosen, and the room grew dim. A moment later, the pain caught up with the trauma, and I found myself on the floor, with Paul's boot trying to make a soft spot in the back of my head. It took a couple of Latin students to pull Paul off-- After all, there was one more haiku before the melee could really begin. A delinquent Philosophy professor spoke up. "The history of the Universe." Paul was quick to speak up this time. A total ringer. What a crock. Total set up, I thought groggily.

"There was a big bang.
Heat, and light, and life, and death.
We go to the void."

I was still down on one knee, and I could hear the cracking of knuckles as the crowd tensed up, ready to go to work. My lip was essentially useless. How could I even speak, let alone think of a decent haiku right now? I just hope I can make it through the beating. I tried to relax my mind and my body, preparing for the inevitable.

I felt a gentle hand on my shoulder, and a smell like the forest on an early October morning. Erin stood next to me, squared her shoulders, and cried out:

"Chaos; then order.
We make all these things happen.
Order; then chaos."

A few gasps ricocheted through the crowd. Paul stood, stunned. "You... you can't substitute," he stammered, breaking form. "That's not the rules."

"Bullshit," I said, getting to my feet, trying to speak through the blood and loose tissue. "I know the rules as well as you. Substitutes allowed if they're willing to take the punishment as well."

"Fuck you, Mr. LMNO. You're not getting away from me." Paul curled his hand up into a fist and walked forward. "And the bitch is gonna get hers too, you better believe... Urk," Paul stopped, and looked down at the sword that just sprouted from his chest. With a blur, the sword disappeared, leaving a bloody hole. In an instant, Paul's right arm dropped to the floor. Screaming, Paul wheeled around, just as the sword ripped through his stomach, spilling his intestines onto the floor at the feet of a tall man with a cigarette dangling from his mouth. He looked around at the crowd.

"yuo knwo teh ruels. L geos free. Adn I buy ihm a drnik."

I stared. "Horab? What are you doing with these freaks?"

"Latre. Let's get taht faec of yuors fixde."

We made our way to a table, where a busboy, dressed only in tight jeans and an apron, was waiting with a bucket of ice and some gauze. Mal knows how to dress up the help, I thought. Horab and Erin made their introductions, and then he turned to me and said, "Yuo shuold knwo bteter tahn to mess wthi thsoe guys."

It was still painful to talk. "Yeah. I know. Still, how..."

"I was in teh sotry next door, lokoign for my satrt button, adn word caem dwon form teh zebra that j0 were haedign to teh Caf. I herad yuo had a new caes, so I deicedd to see how j0 were doign. On my wya donw, I ran itno the Savage Intelletculas, and we all sotr of tumbeld in togehter. Good thign, too. Yuo're not taht good at haiku, are j0?"

"Shut it. I was doing fine."

"If yuor plan was to get codl clokced and have this lovley peice of wrok," he motioned to Erin, who nodded her head at the compliment, "come adn saev yuor ass, tehn it went off wihtout a hicth."

Erin spoke up. "There was one hitch, actually. I believe it's called 'murder'?"

"Don't wrory. Those guy sfell off teh grid years ago. Not olny do tehy hold no statsu positoins in scoiety, a few of tehm are Abbie Hoffman disipcles, and nkow how to dukc teh systme, so tehre's nohting to track. So L, excatly what are j0 wroking on?"

I did my best to relate the story so far through my busted lip, with Erin providing most of the details. After he was caught up, Horab looked thoughtful. "Yuo siad Erin got a traot card?"

"Yeah."

"Well, why haevn't j0 gon eto see teh Triple Oracle? It wuold maek sense, rihgt?"

"I haven't gone, because it's always about doom with them. Remember?"

"Get ovre it, L. Evenutally, it's awlays abuot doom. Anywya, they colud probbaly keep pointign j0 in the rigth diretcion. And yuo can get good infromation, proivded yuo haev an in. And I heav an in."

"Who?"

"Dind't j0 hear? I'm srot of marired to oen of their dauhgters. Let me go adn try to find her. I tohught she'd be here, somehwere..." Horab trailed off, stood up, and wandered off deeper into the Caf, which had more or less returned to normal, save for the two handsome baristas who were given the unenviable task of cleaning up Horab's mess.

"Did he say a 'zebra' told him where you were?" Erin looked like she was just about out of patience with all this. "I'll tell you, L, this is all getting pretty weird. And what's with his accent?"

"That's just the way he talks. Truth be told, sometimes I don't know what the hell he's talking about sometimes. But he's a solid guy, and (when he's not killing people) he's good for a few laughs."

"He sounds like a nut job."

"Look around you. Look at the City. Look at what became of our country. You should believe me when I say that Horab is merely synchronized with the times at hand."

I caught movement out of the corner of my eye. Malaul was coming back to the table with a ream of paper. She scowled when she saw my face. "What did you do now?"

"It wasn't me. I was drawn into a Haiku battle, and Horab had to kill Paul."

"Yeah, right. So, where's he now?" Malaul glanced over at the corpse removal job, and let out a small hiss.

"He said he was going to look for his... sort-of wife?"

"You mean Hoshiko? She's at the gaming tables, as usual."

I stared. "Hoshiko? And Horab? Is that even possible?"

Malaul gave a wan smile, and shoved more ice into my face. "Hush. They did it as a joke, but it kind of caught on. They're sort-of married, sort-of divorced, and entirely independent of each other."

"...Whatever you say. So, what have you got for me?"

"The information was encrypted, but that didn't take too long to crack. The problem is that the info itself is in code, or something... Have a look."

The first few lines of the top page of the stack of papers read:

TOWER TOWER TOWER TOWER TOWER SIXTEEN16SIXTEEN16 TOWER NOD TOWER NOD 16XVISIXTEEN TOWER TOWER TOWER NEZTACH SIXTEEN...

"Now this," Malaul said, pointing to the page, "is at least somewhat familiar. I think "Neztach" is Hebrew, and it's connected with Tarot through the Tree of Life."

I sighed. "Looks like I'll have to track down the Oracles of Doom, for sure. Because Erin was sent the Tower card, as well."

Malaul let out a low whistle. "Well, you'll need some help getting them. You better hope Horab finds Hoshiko."

"Is she still..."

"Yeah. You know what they say. Once a Scrabblist, always a Scrabblist."
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 02:58:41 pm
CHAPTER 8 (One): After a Brief Sabbatical by the Author

Whats taking him so long? Erin asked.

Shaking my head slowly, I muttered, goddamn writers.  Think they can go on about their own business, and just leave us hanging.  The coffees going cold, and I think my ass has fallen asleep from sitting in this chair so long.  At least my face has healed up by now.

What are you talking about?  I meant that Horab guy.  Heywhat happened to your face?

Oh, right.  I forgot, you cant see the gaps in time.  The author took a couple of weeks between chapters.

Erin looked at me quizzically as a topless barrista came by to warm up our coffee.  Lets hope she doesnt ask if we want milk, I thought.  The more time I spend with you, the less I understand you.

Common occurrence.  Anyway, just consider it another one of those Quantum Fluxuations.

Whatever you say.  Hey, is that him?

Horab cam back to the table, followed by a young woman, slim, with the face of a woodland elf.  Or a pixie.  Or some kind of fae creature that isnt all fluffy and warm and full of smiles.  She was wearing a small headset, and her eyes were jittering back and forth, like she was speed reading.  Zephyr, she said, followed by, 15.

I cleared my throat.  Hoshiko.  Hoshiko.  Horab, is she still in a game?

Yeah.  I told her yuo wanted to talk, but you know ohw she gets

Erin spoke up.  I know Im probably going to regret this, but what the hell is she doing?

I chuckled.  Here, stand up.  I motioned her over behind Hoshikos left shoulder.  As Erin came around, I could tell she saw the hologram.  It was a keyboard that seemed to jut out of her head, and beyond that, a cross-hatched gaming board.  Shes got a person-tech Scrabble game going on.  Shes pretty hardcore about it.  See that wire?  I pointed to a lead winding its way into the base of her skull.  Force feedback.  She doesnt just play for the thrill.  That wire connects to a select few opiate receptors in her brain.  It sends a voltage equivalent to the points she scores, so the better she does, the more pleasure she gets.  But you probably dont want to know what happens if she loses.  But she rarely loses.

Ive heard about the feedback, but why is she doing this inter-neurally?  Arent there enough people to play with around here?

Hoshiko is one of the best in the world.  No one around here wants to play her.  Shes probably hooked up to the Scotland quadrant.  Theyre pretty brutal about their games.

We sat back down, and waited.  Erin said, Her eyes are creeping me out.

Oh, shes got a comprehensive Scrabble dictionary implanted on her corneas.  Comes in handy when youre up against an uber-literate Scot.

Hoshiko spoke up.  Junky, triple word.  39.  Pause.  Her eyes settled, focused on us, and said, Sorry, LMNO.  Im up against a guy who calls himself William A Wallace.  Hes kind of a tool, but a decent enough challenge.  So things might get a little Schizy.  14, she muttered.

Erin leaned over to me and whispered, why does she keep reciting numbers?

Hoshiko grinned.  Hi.  Im right here.  Its ok to ask, Im not violent like Horab.

I am rarley violent!

Hush.  You must be Erin, Hoshiko said, extending her hand.  I have a bad habit of counting the points in a word out loud.  Youll have to forgive my blather.  44.

Pleased to meet you.

Likewise.  47.  So, what brings you here?

I leaned forward.  Look, Hoshiko.  I need to find the Triple Oracle.

She laughed.  What?  You?  Let me see if I can imagine the script.  9.  You: I need answers.  Them:  Doom.  5.

I know, I know, but I need their tarot skills.

Why not ask Mangrove?  47.

Trust me, I thought about it.  But hes more one of those prankster Kabbalists, and would undoubtedly try to enlighten us by sending us off to Dr. Dees lab to decode the hidden meaning of the word Hamzah.

13.  But good point.  Well, I suppose I could give you some pointers.

Well?

With a grin, she stood up, her eyes beginning to flicker again, and she said, Just turn around.  Oh, and say hi to mom for me.  Zinky, double word, motherfucker! 26!  as she walked away.

I turned around, and peered into the smoke and noise.  Ah.

I dont see anything, Erin said.

Exactly.  You can never see Doom until its too late.  I think theyre in the next room.

But there is no next room.

If youve learned anything by now, darling, its to just trust me on some things.  Hang on.

We stood, the credit chip in my arm tingling as Malaul scanned the price of the coffee (and I was sure I was going to find an additional fee for cleanup or somesuch.  Probably not as much as Horabs gonna get stuck for after killing Paul, I thought), and I straightened my coat as Erin looked around.  I dont get it, she said.

Horab also stood up, out of courtesy, ands spoke up.  The Oracels, bieng a Three-in-One kind fo thing, tend to exist outside and between dimensions.  Yuo have to adjust you r frequency to fit.

I almost understood that.

Just hold on to L.  He usaully knows wha thes doing.  Horab leaned over to shake my hand.  Good luck, man.  Im off ot deal witht hat zebra again.

See you at the Bar later?

Sure.  Horab walked out the door, his fingers lightly brushing the hilt of his sword, making the Haiku Battle-ists flinch.  His laughter followed him into the night. 

I turned to Erin.  You ready?

I guess.  She took my hand, and I felt that electric shock.  She smelled like cinnamon, and freshly turned earth, and spring air, heavy with morning dew.  This is all getting pretty weird.  And I think your whole quantum thing is wearing thin.  Its like youre just sweeping everything under the rug by throwing the word quantum at it.

Hand in hand, we walked through the smoky caf towards the back wall, and I sighed.  I know, its like Im making everything up as I go along, and then ascribing something vaguely technical to it, so it doesnt seem so odd.  Its an old habit, updated.  What if I told you that I was a magus, given powers by Lucifer to warp time and space and to bend reality to my will?

Id say you were fucking nuts.

Ok, how about if I said I was a prophet of the One True God, sent to this earth to right the wrongs of Satan, and given the blessings of the Lord that I would never want, and that Our Lord will forever aid me in my quest by performing miracles?

Did I say you were fucking nuts before?  I was wrong.  Youre obviously retarded.

Fine.  Suppose I told you that shit just tends to happen, and I have no clue why, or how, but Ive learned its just better to ride it out?

Slacker.

So you see my point.  After you rule all the other possibilities out, the pretty much the only thing that offers some sort of rational solace is Quantum Physics brought into the Macro world.  Even if its not exactly true.

So what is true?

Nothing is true. Everything is permitted.



Hassan I Sabbah.  Ok, look, I have a confession.  I usually dont do this, but youve been through a lot, and I figure full disclosure is in order.  You know that group that formed the Open Bar I was telling you about?  Theyre what are known as Erisians.  And Im one of them.

...And exactly what did you do for them?

A bit of this, a bit of that  I added focus, imagination, a slight knowledge of Tantra, and some of the symbolism.  But thats not the point, really.  The point is that as an Erisian, there isnt ever a big-T Truth, theres just the one that fits for now.  And for the past few hours, the quantum model has been working well.  But were going to have to change things for this next bit.  As Horab tried to explain, The Oracles exist outside of this dimension, but not like a multi-verse traveler.

A what?

It would take far too long to explain Verthaine to you.  I shouldnt have even brought it up.  Ah.  We had made our way to the back of the room, and there was what appeared to be a beaded curtain hanging over one section of the wall.  I concentrated for a second, and reached out to brush the beads aside.  As I did, I felt Erins hand tighten up.  What should have been wall was a dark patch of... something.  Like a vertical oil slick, or something you cant focus your eyes on, the section of wall was flat and bottomless at the same time.  Ok, were ready.

I felt a sharp tap on my shoulder, like a claw.  Which, in fact, it was.  I turned to find Malaul holding out a bottle.  Its rum, she said.  Youll need it.

For me or for

For Zorga, of course.  Its all about her, remember?  And here.  She handed me a bunch of carrots.

Carrots?  What are you playing at, Mal?

You must not have heard.  The Pookahs brood are out there.  Watch your step.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:04:48 pm
CHAPTER 8 (the other): Archetypes and Pookahs.

Hand in hand, we stepped into the inky nothingness.

There were mirrors, thousands of them.  Each image they reflected was reflected in every other, but each image was distorted, no two were the same.  All possibilities were laid out, then rejected; accepted, then thrown aside.  There was no clear path; all choices were the same choice, a False one.  A step in one direction was a step in all directions; progress was impossible.  Progress was just another illusion.  Nothing was True.

Quiet snickering trickled into our ears.

Close your eyes, I said, and kicked out.  One mirror shattered; all mirrors shattered.  Shards of glass filled the air, and then were gone. We were out of the Kingdom, past the World.

There was a Universe of books.  A Borges nightmare, all letters, all languages, all words, the sum of knowledge, dusty leather tomes extending forever.  Everything was True.  The quiet wars of knowledge raged all around us, contradictions battling over assuredness.  Confident in their Truth, the tomes swelled with certainty, the pure cold truth of logic constantly proving their points, reaching conclusions that clashed with the ones around them.  They were locked in cold ivory towers, and poured boiling vats of thought upon their neighbors.  The air was still. Nothing moved.

The pattering of dozens of tiny feet intruded.

Turn left.  Towards the East.  Scrolls and parchment and vellum and paper and stone parted, revealing the constant dawn, the never-ending noon, the eternal sunset.  Nurturing killer, beginner and ender, illuminator and blinder.  The Foundation was established, and abandoned.  Onward to Glory.

Raphael stood, beautiful man-woman, eight swords held in eight hands.  The books of the Foundation came alive in the mind, the idealistic wars of history reenacting inside the confines of a skull, the recreations becoming new creations, an orgy of ideas and a morass of concepts.  Thoughts and phrases mingled, met for drinks, had shameless one-night-stands, pulled on their pants, smoothed their skirts, and went back to the bar.  Scores of orphaned ideas wept for shame and cried for nurturing.  The fabric was too thin.  The thought of a Unicorn.  The thought of a Unicorn.  THE THOUGHT OF A UNICORN.  Raphael lowered hir swords.  Eight crows flew north.  We followed, chased by frustrated mutterings.

The gang was all here.  Wotan, Jesus, Dionysus, Mithras, Inanna Countless mothers, and endless fathers.  Knowing smile, a secret learned through sacrifice, a barter of knowledge for pain.  Limbless, drowned, eyeless, withered, full of peace, and light.  The broken bodies abandoned for clarity and inner reward.  There was spiritual self-mutilation, inner struggles between desire and commitment.  They pointed north, towards strife.

Five Seraphim, Five wands, Five Chariots, Five Warrior-Kings, Five more minutes of waiting Get it over with, already.  Fuck!  How long do I have to deal with this bullshit? Are we there yet?  All this work, just to get literally nowhere.  Why do I even bother?  I havent got all day How long have I been awake, anyway?  I gotta take a piss.  Are we done here?

Breathe.

Breathe.

Breathe.

Go gently.  Body-surf.  Follow the stream as it flows.  Embrace.  Change.  Khamael stood to the left. We went right.  Severity was left behind.

Darkness.  Absence.  Nothing.  A universe-shaped hole where the Universe was supposed to be.  Nothing, that is, except me. 

And Erin.


And thousands of rabbits.

~~~

Theyre here!

Are they toys?

Food?

Both!
The rabbits surrounded us, noses twitching, shifting ever closer in the blackness.  But it wasnt dark, there was just nothing there.  Except the rabbits, and Erins hand in mine.

Hi kids.  How are things?

It talks!  How do you think it tastes?

I coughed.  Hey now, lets not be hasty here.  So, what, have you taken over Choronzons job or something?

The squirrel ate him.  Were just here because we want to be.

Lets play with him!


Now, now  I held up the carrots Malaul had given me.  I have a treat.

Oooh!  Carrots!

Shut up, silly.  Theres no way there are enough for all of us.

Yeah, tough guy.  This isnt the Open Bar.  You cant just make more appear out of thin air.
  The rabbits moved closer.  In parallel, Erin also moved closer, and I could feel her warm body press against me, trembling slightly.

Oh, these arent for you.  Angry muttering filled the non-air.  These are for your mother.  Any idea where she is?

The brood settled down quickly.

Mom?  It wants Mom?

Silly food-toys.

Go get her!


One lone bunny scampered off into the void.  The rest of the brood sat back on their haunches, and waited.

Erin said, L, what in fucks sake is going on here?  What was all that back there?  The words, the mirrors, the books  Her face looked distressed.  You could tell the hysteria was only one more weirdness away.  I better settle her down before fluffy gets here, I thought.

Ok, you know how I said that we were going to have to more or less give up the Quantum theories in order to see the Oracle?  Well, thats because they usually like to hang out in the Void.  Thats where we are now.

It certainly is aptly named.

Well, the Void doesnt really exist in the Quantum Idea.  Its more of a symbol, a meta-archetype.

You mean like, the complete absence of anything.  If theres nothing, there cant be any thing that behaves in a quantum manner.

Well, no.  The Void is here.  Absolute Nothingness is still a few paths away.  You can almost see where it all begins, the three levels of Nothingness Wait.  Im getting ahead of myself.  For now, think of it this way. The Tajikistani Interpretation of Quantum Theory posits the Void, but so far, no ones been able to actually come up with any working equations.  So the best way to get here is the Old Fashioned way:  We just climbed the double helix ladder of Tarot and Kaballah.

Excuse me?

One of the places where the Void has been thoroughly explored and defined is in the Kabbalistic Tree of Life.  Nows not the time for metaphysics, but some say it lies between the Archetype World and the Mystical world.  However, considering the Tree itself is a metaphor itself, and also filled with archetypes, this gets a bit tricky.  Lets just say that the Void is sort of like the space between a beam of light and a prism.  Everything above the prism is a singular, unified event, and everything below the prism has the illusion of differences.  Anyway, at the bottom of the Tree, things sort of collapse together again to create the Universe we move about it.  Apparently, Hoshiko pointed us to an opening into the base of the Tree, and we had to move up it, using the symbols of the Tree, and the symbols of the Tarot to move in between.

I thought you said it wasnt the time for metaphysics.

Hey, you asked, right?

Right now, I just want to know whats up with all the rabbits.

Youve heard of a Pookah?

Irish trickster sprit, right?

You bet.  Well, this ones name is fluffy, and she has a lot of kids.

But what is she, uh, they doing here?

Whatever she wants, I suppose.

Then, from out of the not-darkness, there was a sound, that grew with each passing second.  Thats her, I thought.  The unmistakable sound of fluffy.





pphhhhhhffffffffffftttttttt!



A small, dangerous-looking rabbit appeared in front of us, twitching its nose with suspicion.

The brood of bunnies started hopping up and down at the sight of fluffy.

Mom! Mom!

Look, mom, food!

Toys!

Food toys!

Can we keep them?


fluffy stood there, looking at us, standing in the Abyss.

I finally spoke up.  Hi, fluffy.  How are tricks?  You look different.  That was a bit of an understatement.  Out here, the pookah was much larger.  Much larger.  Her nose twitched in amusement, and not with out a slight hint of malevolence.

Well, well.  If it isnt LMNO.  And guest.


fluffy, this is Erin.  Shes a client of mine

Looks more like dinner.


Yeah!

I told you it was food!

Ssshhh!


Oh, fluffy, you arent still mad about that incident

Ppppfffftt!  You were talking about bunny suicide.  That makes you fair game.


You tell him, mom!

When do we eat?

Why all the talking?


Erin grabbed the carrots from my hand, and stepped forward.  Look, she said, things between you two might not be rock solid right now, but L promised me answers, and hes a long way off from giving them to me.  I have been not only all over the City, but apparently though different dimensions and realities as well, not to mention I was accosted by a face-raping bat to start the whole day off!

Face raping bat?  Pffft!


Its true, I piped in.  Came out of a cell phone.

So why are you here?
  fluffy eyed us suspiciously.

This is why, Erin said, thrusting the Tarot card at fluffy.

Down two levels, past Tiphareth.  Cant miss it.


I sighed.  What we need, fluffy, is deeper interpretation, someone who knows the Tarot better than I do.

Which is anybody.


Erin stamped her foot, which was weird to see, considering there was actually nothing for her to stamp upon.  Dammit!  We want to see this Oracle LMNO dragged me through hallucinations to get to, and Malaul gave us these carrots warning us about you!  Now will you please let us through?

Malaul?  Carrots?
  fluffy grabbed them out of Erins hand. Did you know that I once spent several months living in her corset?

I dont even know how to begin to answer that.

Wise choice.  I suppose, for Mals sake  Come on, children.  Back to the hutch.


Aw, cmon, mom!

We found them fair and square!

And were hungry!


If youre good, Ill feed you all a nice piece of Troll pie.  As for me,
fluffy said, winking at Erin, These carrots are going into a laaarge margarita.  Give my best to Mal.  Oh, and L, you do know what the answer is going to be, right?

Yeah, I know.  Doom.

Well, good luck anyway.


Softly, and silently, the rabbits faded away, and we were left alone, in the epitome of alone.









Eventually, Erin spoke up.  Now what?

Now we wait.  Knowing them, theyre playing ninja, or sculpting obscene topiary.

Erin shook her head slowly.  This has been the absolute strangest day

You aint seen nothing yet.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:06:59 pm
CHAPTER 9: DOOM.

In the Abyss, your depth perception is shot all to hell, because there is no distance.  Thats why it looked like two tiny figures appeared, and then swelled, as if expanding before us.  One was a lithe redhead, a knowing smile on her face, and holding what looked like a margarita.  The other was a tall brunette, with pale skin, dressed in a revealing black dress.  She didnt look very happy.

Hi Bella, I said to the redhead.  Howre things?

Okay.  You?

Eh, its been a rough day.

The brunette spoke up.  What does this have to do with Zorga?

Everything.  Its all about Zorga after all.  Here, I brought you this.  I handed Zorga the rum.  She took it, uncorking it immediately, as she produced a glass from somewhere.

Bella, Zorga, Id like to introduce you to Erin.  Erin, this is Sssbella, and Zorga, two-thirds of the Oracle of Doom.

Um Pleased to meet you both, Erin said.

Likewise.

We stood there for a few moments.  Bella took a sip of her margarita, and looked out into the void.  Zorga was busy being Zorga.  No one spoke.  Finally, Erin said, Well?

Oh, were just waiting for Demonica.  Shes late, again.  Were thinking she messed up the difference between day and night again, said Bella.  Seen Mal lately, L?  Shes been asking about you.

Yeah, she tipped us off about fluffy.

Oh, you met fluffy?  Isnt she just the cutest?

Erin spoke up.  If by cutest you mean scary as hell, then yes.

Bella turned to Erin.  Why, dear, where do you think you are?  Youre in the abyss!  Things have the meaning you give them!  Really, L.  Who have you been hanging around?

Its all part of a case.  Erins looking for some answers--

We know.

Another pause.  It was impossible to tell if it was a minute, or an hour.  Zorga kept nursing her bottle of rum, which never seemed to go empty.  Good thinking, Mal, I said to myself.

In that strange, ballooning way, another figure appeared.  She eventually grew into a tall blonde, with a pink T-shirt and jeans.  She was scribbling away at a newspaper, mumbling to herself.  Finally, I thought.  Demonica.

She lowered the paper revealing an absolutely enormous word scramble puzzle.  In a soft voice, she said, Hi.  Wow, you guys are early.  She gave off a low evil chuckle, which made Erin visibly shiver.

Zorga doesnt like waiting, even for Zorgas sister, said Zorga.

Oh, please, youve got rum.  Ill make it up to you, well go be ninjas & chase some pirates after this is over.  Demonica tossed her hair back.

Hi, Demonica, I said.  Hoshiko sends her love.

Oh, hi L.  How is Hosh?

The same, still kicking ass in scrabble.  You taught her well.

Dont I know it.  Hello, Erin.

Erin gave a start.  How I mean, how do you know--

The three women just gave a stare that just screamed, Oh, please. 

Bella put down her drink, shook out her hands, and said, Okay, ladies.  Shall we get to it?

Zorga, Demonica, and Bella joined hands, and the Abyss gave a tremble, as if matter threatened to explode the universe into a second big bang.  The women went blurry, like looking at them through the bottom of a tequila bottle, and started to twist and spin, coming together, and growing even taller.  Their bodies merged, and their 3 faces emerged from the twisting mass that began to resemble a very sexy Shiva, but with a triple-faced head.  The Oracle spoke.

I, I, I, see ALL!  I, I, I, cast the future of Futures!  And I, I, I see only DOOM!

Here we go, I said, stepping up to the six-armed Oracle.  Wish me luck.

DOOM! she/they cried.

Well, yeah, but could we dial it back a little?  How about before the Doom?

More Doom!

Perhaps you could be a tad more specific?

You, you, you dare mock an Oracle from the Old Tradition?  Mortal, you know not the dangers you face by acting in such a manner!

Let me guess Do any of the dangers I have to face involve Doom in any way?

Three arms lashed out, grabbed me by the lapels, and threw me through the Abyss.  I felt like I was falling for days, but when I landed, I was no further away than I had been before. Time to stop fucking around, I thought.  I stood, shakily.

Mortal Man, I, I, I, see naught in your future.  Your time is nearing its end.  The Knife of Atropos is being sharpened on the rocks as we speak.

I got down on one knee, bent my head, and chanted the Litany.  Oh, wise Oracle, the Three who are in One, from Time Immemorial, who see all things that were, and all that is, and all that shall be; whose identities are separate, equal, and in conflict; Sisters, and yet severed; Whole, and yet in thirds.  A humble traveler who has lost his way beseeches the Grace of Thee Three, for guidance and counsel.

Thats better.  Still though Its Doom for you.

With all due respect, Ill handle my Doom at its proper time.  My request, however, is not for me, its for Erin.  We seek knowledge in this.  I nodded to Erin, who revealed the Tarot card.  The Oracle plucked it from her hands, and peered at it.  She, They, began laughing.

You bring the Oracle of Doom the Tower card?  The Oracle laughed again.  You do know the outcome of this, of course.

We waited for the inevitable.

DOOM!

There it was.

Erin was the first to speak, this time.  Is there, uh, anything else you can tell me?

Of course there is.  I, I, I, was just fucking with yall.  It just seemed like too good an opportunity to pass up.

Why do you keep repeating yourself like that?

Oh, I, I, I, stole that from Stravinsky and Tony Kushner.  Revealing the inner Trinity, and all that.  But thats beside the point.

You are headed for major Transformation.  Before your Doom, many things will be revealed.  Many Trials await you, fair traveler.  You will be Tested.  You will Change.  You will Transform.  Of these things, do not doubt.  Your Doom awaits, but there are many roads to travel before the End of All Things.


Thank you But where should we go from here?  We need to find who sent this, and what they want from me.

Want?  You know what they want, but refuse, for now, to reveal it to yourself.  I, I, I will not spoil your fun.  You must travel to the Ocean.  You know of which I, I, I speak.

Erins eyes went wide.  The Ocean?  But how did you--

The Oracle sighed, and the Universe shook. We are an Oracle, remember?  Enough of this.  We are finished here.  LMNO, thanks for the rum.

I jumped up.  Wait!  We need an exit.  I dont think we could handle another journey down the Tree.

Fine.  Because we like you.  Take a hand.  Both of you.

Erin and I each grabbed one of Her many hands.  The void began to tremble.

Close your eyes.  The Infinite Light is not meant for those such as you.

Heat.  Light.  Every cell, every strand of DNA, every atom was bathed in light.  There was nowhere to turn without the glare of a thousand million inquisitive suns.  The light was not in our eyes, it was in our entire bodies.  A thirsting, questing, blind curiosity probed our very natures.  It began to take us apart.  I heard Erin scream.  The light began to feast.  If souls existed, ours were being drained off into the Light of Forever.

~~~

We were thrown to the ground.  The bustle of the Caf surrounded us.  Hands grabbed us, pulled us into chairs.  Bella, Zorga, and Demonica were separate again, sipping at tea, rum, and tequila.  With smiles all around, the rose from the table, gave a brief nod, and turned to leave.

Good Luck, was the last thing they said as they walked out the door, into the night.

I stood up, stretching.  Looks like you need some sleep.

Erin just sat there, visibly drained.  Her luminous green eyes seemed almost sunken, and her lips were drawn thin as she gazed into the table.  The days events had obviously taken their toll.  Hey, I said, lets get some sleep.

Erin stood slowly, and we made our way out of the Caf, into the cold night air.  The Citys oppression was less palpable tonight somehow, perhaps alleviated by the full moon glowing a tainted yellow, offering its meager light to the sidewalk, which gobbled it up hungrily.

The Ocean, mumbled Erin.  God

Lets get you home first.  Well deal with what we have to do next tomorrow.

Erin grabbed me above the elbow, like she was clinging to a life preserver.  And maybe in a way she was.  After all the different states shed had to go through, all the things shed seen, the only constant was me.  Her fingers gripped tightly, and I could feel the heat from her hands radiate through my coat, into my skin.  She still walked with confidence, but she wouldnt be awake for much longer. 

Her hand let go of my bicep, and slid along my back.  Instinctually, I raised my right arm, and she moved up next to me, her head resting gently against my chest as I grasped her shoulder, gently steering her towards the car.  I could smell her again, like 4-day old lilies when they start to wilt, releasing their heady perfume into the air.  My head filled with images:  A half-drank cup of tea, waiting for a trip to the sink in the chilled morning air; a solitary charred log in a fireplace, gently smoking, the last ember of the last fire of the winter fading into grey; an empty jar of perfume lying on its side, kicked over in a fit of jealous passion; the desiccated hull of an old boat, ribs jutting out of a sandy beach  Which brought me back to the Ocean.  Why was Erin so shocked when the Oracle told her to go there?  What was it about the Ocean that frightened her so?  Tomorrow, deal with it tomorrow, I thought.  Right now, you have to deal with Erin.  Shes dead on her feet.

We reached the car, and I helped her inside.  LMNO, she said, I want to thank you for helping me today

Hey, thats why you hired me.  Now lets get you home.  Where do you live?

1723 Heofon.  East Quadrant.

I whistled low.  Pretty classy digs there.

She looked over at me.  I happen to be a pretty classy lady.  Or have you not noticed, since your tastes run towards the genetically modified, apparently?

Trust me, I noticed.  But seeing as how youre a client, I tried to ignore it.

Erin sighed.  Right now, I just want to go to bed.  Could we get going, please.

Youre the boss, I said, gunning the engine. 


Driving towards the East Quadrant, I glanced over at Erin.  She was still awake, gazing out the window at the Moon, which looked impossibly big tonight.  Her hands were resting in her lap, fingers twisted together, lifeless.  I caught the faintest sound of her humming over the engine noise.  It sounded like an old lullaby, probably sung to her decades ago, before the Rebellion, before the Sanctions, before the Mandated Plutocracy, even.  Before anyone would have known shed wind up in this car, having traveled through space-time and ancient mystic-space to get here, half-asleep, staring at the impossible moon.

The car roared on through the night.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:07:30 pm
CHAPTER 10: An Easy Way Out.

The current chapter
takes the form of a haiku:
"Many Things Happened."
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:09:06 pm
CHAPTER 11:  The Good Part.

We screeched to a halt in front of her building, sweating hard.  Erin was shaking bits of window glass from her hair, as I tried to feel the extent of the damage from the gash on my face.  I turned off the car, and the sudden silence was punctuated by the ticking of the cooling engine.  I reached into the back seat, carefully picking around the exoskeletons and carcasses, until I found an old shirt, which I proceeded to tear into strips, dabbing away the blood on my face.

My God!  Are you all right? asked Erin.

Yeah.  Fucking claw shrimp.  I hate those bastards.

Ive never actually seen one up close.  I mean, Ive seen them on the video feeds, but

Now you know what an entire horde of them look like, especially when you enter their turf.

Erin looked down.  I so need a shower.  Looks like you do, too.  Come on inside.

We stepped out of the car, and stuck in the rear car door handle was a still twitching leg, trying after ripped from its body.  Growling, I crushed it against the car door with my boot.  So much for my new paint job, I thought. 

We stepped up to the front door of her building, and Erin submitted to the retinal scan and voice print.  We were soon in the elevator, going up, up, up.  How far up do you go? I asked.

Erin blushed, and said, I own the penthouse.  It was a gift from my father.

The penthouse?  Why did this broad come all the way downtown if she can afford a place like this?  Maybe she had already tried some others.  Lets face it, L, you know some things others dont.  The elevator door hissed open, and we were inside her apartment.  The walls were made of glass polymers, and we were high above most other buildings.  I could see the City stretched out before me like a tumor.  You could almost see it twitch.  Erin pressed a button on the wall, and the sight of the City mercifully faded from view as the windows polarized.  Come on, Erin said, leading me to the living room.  It was an opulent affair, large couches and expensive Asian rugs.  There was a side bar, where she picked up a decanter, and poured out a dark red wine into two glasses, handing me one.  I slung my coat over the arm of one of the couches, and gladly took it.  You settle in, while I clean up, she said, moving off into one of the other many rooms.

I sat, and took in all the details of the place.  The apartment was mostly white, minimalist without being stark, with a neo-Asian flavor.  I noticed a Noh mask on one wall, and an abstract painting opposite, sort of a Pollock-meets-Duchamp adventure.  I stood to look at it more closely.

I had an idea, Erin spoke up behind me.  I turned, and saw her there, a towel wrapped around her lithe body.  Why dont we clean up together?  She let the towel slip down past her


The Editors would like to apologize again for the intrusion into this Epic Saga/Romance, but they were just looking at http://www.tiedtothetracks.com/storytelling/archives/sex_scenes/index.html and decided that the following sex scene in LMNO-PI conveyed no new information concerning the characters, save for the specific measurements and shapes of certain anatomical body parts of both main characters.  Seeing as how such a scene did not contribute to the main story arc, The Editors have decided to delete the scene.  In addition, the over-use of the word member to describe the human penis, and use of phrases such as dripping flower petals struck The Editors as overly poetic and ultimately, not in a style suitable for such a story.  And who wants 25 pages dealing with one sex scene, anyway?

collapsed to the bed, as Erin lit two cigarettes, and passed one to me.  Where did you learn how to do that?

Years of practice.  Im surprised by your flexibility.

Well, I used to by a gymnast.  Erin curled up against me, our sweaty bodies cooling in the air-conditioned room.  She smiled. 

Looks like were going to need another shower.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:09:44 pm
CHAPTER 12: More Exposition.

The morning sun peeked into the room, the smartshades only allowing the sky to have a presence, the awful pulse of The City blotted out by the dark glass.  I woke to find a slim arm with sharp fingernails slung across my chest, and Erins warm body curled up next to mine.  The sheets were rumpled and strewn over the bed, and I thought back fondly over the past several hours.  Hell of a way to end the day.  I reached up gently, and brushed her auburn hair out of her eyes.  She blinked slowly at me, first with some confusion, and then smiled a lazy smile, relaxed and content.  Hi.

Hi  yourself.  Sleep well?

As far as I remember, there wasnt much sleeping to be had.

Says you.  I checked my watch, previously tossed on a mahogany bedside table.  Its ten oclock already.  We better get ourselves ready to face the day.

Erin sighed and rolled onto her back, the sheet slipping past her body, reminding me of how she was put together, the endless contours and curves of her hips and breasts.  The she frowned, and Paradise was Lost.  The Ocean

What is it?  Why does this bother you so much?

Do you want to hear a story?

From you?  Always.

Well

I was eight years old.  Just a girl.  My parents took me to The Ocean for summer vacation, the first time we had been outside The City since I was born.  As we crossed the Emperor Cheney Memorial Bridge, I could feel The City falling away from me.  Can you believe it?  That scared me.  The creeping horror of The City I missed it.  I remember scrunching myself down in the back seat, not wanting to look at the suburbs, the flat lines, the even planes. 

It was the first time I saw birds They were like erratic airplanes, with broken wings, or huge, meaty flies.  I actually had to ask what they were.  I didnt believe my parents at first when they told me.  I guess eventually my curiosity took over, because soon I had my face pressed to the window, and later, when Daddy said it was safe, I rolled it down, and felt the strangest sensation:  Cool air rushing past my face.  It was probably the happiest I had ever been.

When we actually arrived at The Ocean, I couldnt believe it.  I screamed when I saw it, half in delight, and half in terror.  There was nothing there but water!  No buildings, no cars, no billboards  No people either.  At the time, I didnt know if that was strange or not, but looking back on it, well  It didnt matter to me at the time, because the next thing that caught my attention was the sand.  It was blisteringly white, like glass dust lit from below, and it was smooth, with slight ripples from the tide.  I ran towards it, and was shocked when I felt the grains give way beneath my weight.  I turned, and saw my parents laughing and grinning.  It was something I wish I could have framed

So cut to an hour later.  I had gotten up enough bravery to dip my toes in the water, and even feel the waves splash up against my calves, before running back up the beach where the towels were.  Mommy and Daddy were building a sand castle, and laughing.  That was when I heard it.  A sickening thud sound, right behind me.  Turning around, I saw, half embedded in the sand, the mangled corpse of a man, mostly naked, mutilated.  I screamed, and then I saw more of them falling, falling out of the blue sky.  It looked as if they were falling out of the sun.  I shrieked again when a pair of hands grabbed me, and swept me off my feet.  I think it was Daddy, but at the time, all I could see was bodies, and blood, and the endless Ocean.

A voice was shouting at me, asking me what was wrong.  I just kept screaming, about the bodies, about the gore, about how flayed limbs and gutted corpses were falling out of the sun.  I felt a sharp pain in my cheek.  Daddy had slapped me.  He told me to stop making stories.  I looked at him.  His eyes were furious.  I realized that he couldnt see the bodies, even as they littered the beach, thumping into the ground, splattering the white sand with dark red blood, and pulverized organs.  I think at that point I had something of a nervous breakdown, because the next thing I know, Im waking up in a doctors office, and hes mumbling to my parents about the dangerous psychic effects of bringing a City-born child out into the open so suddenly.

But my parents still blamed me, somehow.  I havent been out of the City since then.


Erin sat up quickly and perched at the edge of the bed.  L, she said, I afraid of whats going to happen if we go out there.

I reached out my hand, and she took it in her own.  Dont worry.  I think I can help.  Just let me make a few calls while you get dressed.  Oh, and one more thing

Yes?

How do you like you coffee?  I smiled.  Mal showed me a few of her other tricks, as well.

I stood up, stretching, feeling old muscles complaining.  Grumpy old bones, I thought, as I slipped on my pants and shoes, and threw my shirt over my shoulders.  Padding out into the kitchen, I turned to see a flash of Erins Long, smooth leg as she disappeared behind a corner to get dressed.  My coat was in the living room, and I snagged a small bag of coffee beans from one of its pockets.  I never go on a case without some coffee if theres even a chance its going to be a late night.  And yesterday, well

As I was prepping the beans, I noticed a phone on the counter.  I picked it up, and heard, Not default authorization.  Please enter passcode.  D.O.D.B. 1723.

Erin? I called out.  You have a code lock on your phone?

From a room far in the back came the reply, Well, after all that weird stuff with my cell, I figured someone might have had access to it.  So I called the phone company, and they put a lock on it.

Yeah, but from the Department of Defensive Bureaucracy?

What?  Erin was at the doorway of the kitchen in a moment, dressed only in a lacy bra, panties, and a button down shirt just halfway buttoned.  She was a vision to behold, but the look of panic on her face drove out any further ideas I might have had at the moment.  You mean

Yeah.  Government, Inc. has had total access to your apartment ever since you put the lock on the phone.  Dont say anything.  Shh.  I went back into the living room, got my coat, and fished around in the inner pockets.  Where is it...  Ah.  My fingers wrapped around a small device, and I could feel it twitching in my palm.  With Erin watching, I pulled out a chrome cylinder, about the size of a tube of lipstick.  I could see her wanting to say something, ask a question, but I raised my finger to my lips. 

Walking back to the phone, I tapped one end of the cylinder, and gave the middle a half turn.  A seam appeared at the halfway point on the cylinder, and slid apart, revealing a slip rod, jointed in the middle.  The ends of the cylinder slid out, and the entire device folded in half.  Practically turning itself inside out, more rods began snaking from the inside of the cylinder, which folded upon itself revealing an insect-like robot as big as a dinner plate, delicate legs and feelers moving gently in the morning sunlight.  It seemed attracted to the phone, and when I tapped on the counter three times, it quickly moved to the phone and began dismantling it. 

It extracted a small silicone chip, drew it close to the center of the bots body, where a tiny bit of phosphorous vaporized it.  A few more furious moments, and the phone was reassembled.  Three more taps on the counter, and the bot scurried down a cabinet and began exploring the rest of the house for bugs.  As Erin and I watched, the bot quickly found and destroyed 13 other devices spread throughout the apartment.  With some mild sense of sorrow, I noticed that it had found a camera in the bedroom, and quickly vaporized it.  Should have held onto that, I thought.

After a few more minutes, the bot returned to the kitchen, twitched, and collapsed back into the small cylinder, which I returned to my coat pocket.  Again, I reached for the phone, and said to Erin, Ok.  Weve only got 30 minutes before Government, Inc notices that all the bugs have been erased.  Im going to make a call, youre going to keep getting dressed, and then were out of here.  Oh, one more thing.

Whats that?

I drew Erin in close, my arm wrapping around her waist, and kissed her long, and hard.

Bring a wet suit.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:10:51 pm
CHAPTER 13:  Fight!  And flight.

Erin went back to finish dressing, and I picked up the phone, and quickly dialed.

Randy Yeah, its me again No, fine, fine.  Things are heating up  No, not in that waywell, actually, yes, in that way too  Yeah, I know this is an East Quadrant number, its my clients apartment Hey now, no need to get crass  Look, no time for that now.  This line has just now been cleared of bugs, and any minute now, the GovInc automatic monitors are going to wonder why they arent hearing anything.  Randy, I need another favor yeah, I know, but this is serious.  Do you still have friends at the Ocean?  ...Yeah, the Edge of the World Clan, I remember.  Do you think theyd allow a friend of a friend access to their stuff?  No, seriously  Look, just make a call for me, and let me know, ok?  Yeah, leave the message in the usual place  I heard the sound of heliplanes in the distance.  Look, Randy, I have to go.  Theyve located us  Ok, half an hour.

I hung up, and ran to the back room, where Erin had just finished packing up a bag.  She had decided on a rugged-looking pair of pants, with boots to match.  Erin, we have to go. Now.

What is it?

Those heliplanes are no doubt on their way here.  Looking for us. Well, not us, but for whoever dismantled their bugs.  Which is us.  So we have to haul ass.

Not in your car, we wont.

You have a better idea?

Yeah, Erin said, sweeping up a set of keys and tossing them to me.  Well take my car.  She breezed by me, slinging the bag over one shoulder.  I followed her to the elevator, scooping up my jacket as I went.  We stepped into the elevator, and Erin jabbed at the button for the basement.  The doors closed, and we plunged hundreds of floors, accelerating as we went.  At this rate, well hit free fall, I thought.  Soon enough though, I could feel the huge disc brakes start to apply pressure, and after a few minutes, and several readjustments to the air pressure, we came to a gentle stop. 

The door slid open, and there was a figure in the doorway.  A large man, at least 66, almost as wide as the doorway, with a bulky jacket, pockets strategically placed all over it, bulging dangerously.  He was wearing a helmet covered with a dark fabric, and a gun belt with at least thee visible kinds of projectile weapons, including an impossibly large gun.  It was a cop.

Shit I said.

Fuck he said.

No Erin said.

The cops hand dropped to his waist, and I lunged forward, jabbing him in the throat with my fingers.  The cop let out an urk, but didnt go down.  In fact, his right arm swung around, massive fist coming at me like a hammer.  I dropped to one knee, feeling the rush of air as the punch barely missed my head, and drove the heel of my hand into the side of his knee, just behind the reinforced kneepads he was wearing.  Out of nowhere the old street joke of why the cops really wore those kneepads flashed through my mind, but I was already driving my elbow into his other knee.  I threw myself backwards as the cop, foundations shattered, fell forward to the ground, his arms still reaching out to try and grab me.  I quickly got to my feet, and jumped up, grabbing onto the low-hanging water pipes jutting from the ceiling of the garage, and brought my knees to my chest.  The cop had his hands flat on the concrete floor, and was pushing himself up as I let go, and thrust my legs down as I dropped.

My feet met his neck and drove his face into the floor with a wet smack, followed by a dull cracking noise, his neck becoming slivers of bone.  The cop shuddered a bit, then finally stopped moving.  I crouched down next to him, and pulled at his jacket.  Fuck, this guys heavy.  Erin asked in a shaky voice, what are you doing?

I turned my head, and saw that she had gone several shades whiter.  What do you mean?  Do you see all the stuff hes got?

But hes a cop.  And you killed him.

Better him than you, darling.  Now help me roll this guy.

Tentatively, she grabbed onto his jacket, and we rolled him over.  Erin winced when she saw his ruined face.  I quickly unzipped his jacket, and stripped off his gunbelt.  Were lucky he didnt get a call off to whoever his backup was, I said.  Theres a good chance conventional radio signals wont carry, so his heart monitor wont be registering any information anyway.  I slung the cops jacket over one shoulder and the gunbelt over the other.   Now lets get this car of yours, and get the fuck out of here.

***   ***   ***   ***   ***

We walked quickly through the garage, and eventually Erins slim, delicate finger pressed the remote starter she removed from her pocket.  The response was almost inaudible, but immediate.  Twenty yards away, a car thrummed to life, its streamlined frame and oversized tires putting my humble carbon monoxide generator to shame.

Wow.  Is that a MobileTek 2300?  Where did you get that?  More importantly, how could you afford it?

You have your connections, I have mine.

Fair enough, I guess.  Look, we both know you may have another episode when we leave the City proper, so I should drive.  It seems almost blasphemous, though.

Well, thanks for saying that, at least.  Mind sixth gear.  Its sticky.  She pressed another button on her keychain, and the rear door popped open.  I tossed the cops jacket into the rear, and walked to the drivers side, with the door already open, inviting me in.  I slipped behind the wheel.  As the door was closing, I caught a snippet of siren, getting closer.  Shit. 

Turning to Erin, I asked, Is there a back way out, one that, say, only a building resident would know, but isnt that suspicious?

Well, yes, but its a ways off-- she began, as I threw the car in reverse and slammed on the gas.  Erin narrowly avoided bouncing her face off the dashboard, and she scrambled for the seatbelt.  What the fuck?

They know were down here, I said tersely.  We have to get as far away from the elevator as possible, and try to blend in.  I shifted, and the car sprung forward like an eager beast, tires gripping the tarred garage floor effortlessly.  I have to get me a car like this someday, I thought.  We turned a corner just as a half-dozen searchlights appeared behind us, probing the gloomy air.  The lights were attached to three Urban Safety Tanks, each one bristling with so-called crowd control armaments, each one more lethal than the last.  We werent quick enough around the corner, evidenced by the sudden squeal of tires, and the blare of the sirens, punctuated by the standard announcement: This is for your own good.  Stand still and be recognized.  If you move, you will be considered a Criminal Element, and shot.  This is for your own good

I floored the gas, and the car shot ahead, the parked vehicles on either side of us whiffing by.  I spotted a down ramp, and aimed the car in that direction, hoping that the Tanks didnt have as much pickup as Government, Inc claimed.  We had enough momentum that the car didnt recognize there was no longer any ground below it for a second, and then we crashed downwards along a steep ramp that took us lower into the garage.  I swung a hard left, and gunned the engine, which responded eagerly, putting much-needed room between us and the police. 

At the far side of the garage, a small aperture in the wall was evident.  There, said Erin, thats the back exit.

Are you fucking kidding?  Theres no room!

Hey, you asked if there was another exit, not if I had ever used it in this car.  I suppose you dont really think things through, do you, Mr. Cop-killer?

I glared at her, and down shifted.  Well, hold on then.  Itll be a tight fit.  I pointed the car at the opening, and gripped the wheel tighter.

***     ***     ***     ***     ***
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:11:28 pm
Chapter 14: Movie trailer.

Scene: Interior GARAGE.  Low ceiling, rows of semi-futuristic cars lined up neatly.  No movement.  Camera holds, not moving.

SFX: Faint tires squealing, engine revving.

No movement

SFX: Engine revving growing louder.  Sirens heard.

A car, a mixture of an SUV and a BMW roadster, crashes into view.  It is going far too fast for such an enclosed space.  Behind it, sinister Tank/Hummer hybrids storm into frame.

CLOSE UP - Car Windshield: Camera closes in on LMNO, focused behind the wheel, a grimace on his face, and ERIN, looking anxious and terrified.  LMNO mouths some words.

SUBTITLE - LMNO: Well, hold on then.  Itll be a tight fit.

PAN to ERIN as she grips the dashboard.

CUT TO: A small opening in the garage wall, barely larger than the car LMNO is driving.

SFX: extremely loud gunshot.

CUT TO: A ragged and ugly hole appearing in the rear fender of the Car.  The implication is that the police are using extremely powerful firepower to bring down LMNO and ERIN.

CUT TO:  LMNOs foot jamming the gas pedal to the floor.

CUT TO: The car leaping forward, heading straight for the opening.  It fits, just barely, as sparks fly, the metal and concrete battling each other.

SFX: Squealing and screeching more annoying that 1983-era Neubauten.

CUT TO: CLOSE UP of ERIN, screaming.

ERIN: Slow the fuck down!  Theres a turn!

CUT TO: The first of the Tanks slamming into the opening.  They are too big, and the resultant crash is understandably horrific.  The Tanks behind it swerve, attempting to avoid crashing, but fail.

SFX: Impossibly loud and flaming explosion.

CUT TO: LMNO, eyes wide.

CUT TO: LMNO POV: a 90-degree left turn in the tunnel.

CUT TO: LMNO wrestling with the steering wheel.  Sparks illuminate the hard line of his jaw as he attempts to keep himself and ERIN alive.

CUT TO: The car barely making the turn as flames from the explosion follow them through the tunnel, then recede.

LMNO: Are there any more of those turns I should know about?

ERIN: No, I think thats the only one.

LMNO: Im sorry to say, were probably going to have to ditch the car.

ERIN: OK, genius, how do you propose to get to the Ocean then?  No, let me guess.  You know somebody.

LMNO: Actually, yes.

CUT TO: LMNO POV: the tunnel getting wider.  LMNOs hands unclench from around the steering wheel, and he relaxes slightly.

SFX: Engine noise diminishes somewhat as the car slows.

CUT TO: ERINS apartment building, exterior.  A small garage door opens, and the car, battered and beaten, slowly pulls out.

PAN TO: Down the street, a caravan of tanks surrounds the main entrance of the building.  Cops in full military/riot gear are running into the building.  None seem to notice the car.

CUT TO: Car slowly pulling away, and soon out of sight of the police.

CUT TO: Car, interior.

LMNO: Lets hope the heliplanes dont notice us.

ERIN: Yeah, lets.  So now that youve brought the cops to my apartment, left at least one body next to the elevator, destroyed and probably killed the cops in the tanks that were chasing us, wrecked my car, and are about to subject me to what I can only assume will be extreme psychological torture, What do you propose to do?

CUT TO: CLOSE UP, LMNO.

LMNO: How about some pizza?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:13:24 pm
Chapter 15: Eat at Zekes


I nursed the car down the street, listening for both the sound of a potential engine failure, and the whup-whup-whup of approaching heliplanes.  Luckily, neither seemed to be present, so I forced myself to relax, and took a left on Rove Avenue.

Erin noticed.  Hey, the highway is back there, she said, pointing behind us.

I know, but like I said, this car is thrashed.  Wed never make even the most cursory of inspections at the checkpoints.

You realize, of course, that youre buying me a new car, right?

Should have read the fine print, honey.  This counts as expenses.

What?

Just kidding.  Take it out of my pay.

Theres no way your fees will even begin to match what this car cost.

Fine, dont pay me anything then.  At this point, Im just happy Im not in jail yet.  And if ditching your car will keep it that way, thats what Im going to do.  I pulled the car into the mostly empty parking lot of a nondescript pizza joint, and killed the engine.

Erin sighed.  What are we doing here, now?

What, you dont like pizza? I chuckled. No, actually, were here to get somethiFUCK!  I flinched when a flaming golf ball slammed into the windshield, cracking it, and leaving a fiery trail as it rolled off the hood.  I opened the door, and noticed a figure on the roof with a golf club, a bucket, and a lighter.

Stain!  What the hell are you doing? I yelled at the figure.

He didnt respond, he just lit up another ball & whacked it out over the parking lot, the flames arcing gorgeously in the morning light.

I motioned to Erin to get out of the car, but she stayed in her seat, shaking her head.  I could see her mouthing the words he fucking crazy through the cracked glass.  I turned back to the figure on the roof.

STAIN!  Dammit, youre scaring my client!

He waved.  A deep voice shouted, Ill be right down! and the figure disappeared.  Erin slowly got out of the car. 

Why is it the people you know are all certifiably insane?

Must be my charming good looks.

Dont change the subject.

Look, the way I see it, you cant really choose your friends.  They just sort of happen to you.  In my line of work, I meet all types, and these are the ones that stuck around.

Yeah, like gum on your shoe.  Crazy gum.

Hey, I know you now, so you might be considered a friend, as well.

I dont know about that

What about last night?

Erin blushed.  Well, yeah, ok.

Just then, the door to the front of the pizza place opened up, and an arm waved us inside.  We complied.  A blast of cold air greeted us, as well as a large, hulking man, light brown hair cut short to his head, with burn marks up and down his forearms, and a wide grin on his face.

L, he said, long time no see.  What brings you here?

I need some firepower, and some scuba gear.

What for?  I thought the tarot card was the Tower. 

Erin gasped.  How the hell--

He laughed.  The NSRA is everywhere, honey.

Erin turned to me.  The NSRA?  I thought you said

Well, yeah, but that was before we took out those Cop tanks.  Ah, introductions.  Reverend Stain, this is Erin.  Erin, Reverend Stain, of the New Soviet Red Army.

Stain clapped me on the shoulder.  Cop tanks?  Good job!  I was wondering how that piece of crap out in the lot got that way.

Oh, yeah, I said, Were gonna need a new car, too.

Well, you came to the right place.  Sit down, have a slice, Ill be right back.  Stain ducked behind the counter, and re-appeared with two slices of cold pizza on a plate.  Make yourselves comfortable.

We sat down in a booth away from the window, and bit down on our improvised breakfast.

Holy shit, said Erin, This pizza is fucking amazing.

***   ***   ***   ***   ***

A minute passed as we at our slices in silence.  Then, checking to make sure there was no one else in the room, Erin leaned in close, and whispered, I thought you said that involving the NSRA was like killing a mosquito with a bazooka!

Have you seen the size of those bugs out there?  Yeah, we escaped Government Inc this time, but chances are theyll find us again.  And they wont be as cautious as they were in the garage.

You call that cautious?

Were still here, right?  Look, you have to at least agree that we need a new car, because your vehicle make & model are on the Watch List, now.  Since they havent swarmed this place yet, I can only assume that somewhere in the chase, your GPS unit was damaged.

Actually, I had it removed.

What?  How did

Erin laughed.  As she did, I could feel my spirits lighten, like some great weight was temporarily lifted off my back.  The morning sun looked a little brighter, somehow.  Erin said, Oh, wow.  The look on your face is priceless!  Come on, now.  If I found you, surely I know something about something.  I like my privacy, and so I found a guy who could remove the GPS unit.  She raised one finger, cutting off my attempt to interrupt.  I know its illegal, and its tricky.  The amount I had to pay proves that.   She looked at me with bemusement.  Oh, you think youre the only one whos brave enough to go against Government Inc?  Ill have you know that I think everyone, at some point or another, breaks the law to suit their own needs.  Like you were saying about that quantum processor thing at the bar, theres more information than there are people to look at it.  The law of averages more or less guarantees youre going to get away with most of it.

Well, color me impressed.  Now Im even sorrier I had to wreck the car.  I have a feeling Stains going to give us a real piece of shit.  Hes kind of an asshole like that.

A voice emanated from the napkin holder.  I heard that!

Erin jumped.  What the fuck!

The NSRA is everywhere, pretty girl, said the napkin holder, and you better get used to it.  L, how could you say such terrible things about me?

Oh, put a sock in it, Stain, I said, your biggest self-aggrandizing claim to fame is that youre the biggest pain in the ass in The City, and yet people still want to talk to you.  I cant see how you do it.  Sure, you make the best pizza for miles, and youve got plenty of connections, but still

Its because Im one sexy motherfucker.

Erin snorted a laugh behind her hand, and the napkin holder said, yeah, well you just havent seen me in action, toots.  Just give me one night, and a bottle of Bushmills, and youll be singing my praises in the morning.

Right.  Well, youve got one part right; Id have to be drunk to consider sleeping with you.

Whatever works, whatever works.  So, L.  Exactly what have you got in trade?  I know you dont have enough to pay me, and I have a sneaking suspicion your little chippie shouldnt be using any sort of credit card or anything that can be monitored or tracked.

Yeah, youve got that right But I do believe I have something youd be interested in.  How does a fresh Cops Battle Jacket sound?

Shit, man!  Ive been dying to have my people reverse engineer one of those!  Ill be right up.

Erin mouthed the words his people? at me.  I mouthed back, later.  Hes delusional.

The napkin holder spoke up.  I can read lips, you know.

***   ***   ***   ***   ***

Look Stain, is this gonna take much longer?  I want to be at the Ocean while theres still some daylight let.  I realized that every time I mentioned the Ocean, Erin would tense up.  I need to do something about that, I thought.  Hey, while youre down there

The napkin holder sighed.  Every time I go down here L, it said, you always seem to remember something else you need.

Well, thats because Im always thrown off by your stunningly good looks.

Fuck you.  What else do you need?

Sedatives.  But do you have any of those new ones that dont affect the frontal lobes, just the subconscious?

You want the Somax 2350?  Planning on performing surgery in the middle of a gunfight?

I doubt it will come to that.  I just need to settle some nerves.

Well, I dont have it here.  Youre gonna have to make another stop, if you want that stuff.  Like, youll have to go to the Mountain.

Jesus Christ, Stain.

Erin broke in.  Ive always wanted to go to the Mountain!

I cracked a wry grin, and bit my tongue against the inevitable Mohammed joke.  Well, if you want any sort of chance of staying coherent at the Ocean, weve gotta go.  I think the dense tree coverage, combined with all the pollution damage should somewhat approximate the psychotecture.  At least, it wont fuck your mind up as much.  But well need something to take the edge off.  You know what that means, Stain, I said to the napkin holder.

It sighed.  I know.  Ill throw in two bottles of tequila, but only because I like you.

Erin slowly smiled, as if she was beginning to catch on to how the dynamic went.  Thanks so much, Mr. Stain, she said, adding a thick, sweet lilt to her voice.  Im not sure youll ever know how much this means to usto me.

Coming around to my side, are you?  You better drop that loser, toots, and get with the Man.  Oh, and its Reverend Stain, not Mister.

Apologies, Erin said, giving me a slow wink.  Ill tell you what.  When this is all over, I promise to come back here, and show you the proper appreciation for what youre doing for us.

Oh, yeah.  You , me, and my walk in cooler have a standing reservation.  Anytime, anytime.  Ill be right up.

I gave Erin a surreptitious thumbs-up, and moments later, Stain emerged from the back, dragging some metal boxes.  He opened one up, pulled out a briefcase, and slid it across the table.  I clicked open the latches, and felt the cool air against my teeth as I sucked in my breath.

Whoa.  This is impressive.  I found myself face-to-face with a Smith & Wesson neuro-disruptor, the latest in assault technology.  A glancing shot will send a large burst of energy through your body, momentarily making all the neurons in your body send a signal simultaneously to the brain.  Apparently, it really fucks you up, like having electroshock therapy, but five times worse.  A direct hit will completely destroy your central nervous system.  Where the hell did you get this?

Not for you to ask, my friend.  Make sure you know what youre doing before you use that thing.  The rest of this is the scuba gear.  And this, he said, handing me a sealed envelope, is for when you get to The Mountain.  Dont open it; its sealed for a reason.

Howabout some directions?

On the dash in your Brand New Car!  He tossed me a set of keys.  Now, lets get that Battle Jacket, what do you say?

We all got up, and walked out into the late morning sun of The City.  The Mountain, I thought.  I probably shouldnt tell her what happened last time I was there.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:17:10 pm
Chapter 16:  More Exposition!  Can you Handle It?!

So, how exactly do you know all these people, and why are they scattered all over creation?  Erin was looking out the window of an econobox hydro-cell car well, car is pushing it, but I guess since it had four wheels and a motor, it barely qualified.  Just like Stain to give me some suburban overweight mothers mall-hopper, I thought Ah well, at least itll be inconspicuous Hardly, with the Mountain to deal with.

Well, darling, It all goes back to the creation of the Open Bar.

For you, it always does, doesnt it?

Let me finish.  That project was both the nucleus of our little organization, and the last time all of us saw each other in a single group.  We realized that we had done something unbelievable, and that we would be the focus of intense Official scrutiny.  Being rampant Individualists, we all had our own ideas about how to avoid being noticed.  But it was both the gnome and Stain who came up with the idea of using Sticking Apart as a battle strategy.

The gnome.

Yup.

Wait you mean like midget?

I have no idea.  No one ever really saw him.  Its kind of hard to explain, but he was really good about keeping hidden, and disguising his voice.  No one is ever sure where or who he is.  But hes a good friend of that pookah we me at the caf, fluffy.

Erin groaned.  Please, no more of that.  I dont think I could take it.

Dont worry; the esoteric portion of this is over.  Pretty much.  I think.  Well, maybe I shouldnt promise that just yet.  But I will promise that if we do get into any heavy occultism, Ill couch it in a hell of a lot of quantum physics theory.

Charming.  So, you were saying

Right.  The Sticking Apart idea came from an old, old book that the so-called Discordians

--Who you claim to be part of--

Right.  There was a passage in there, a joke, really, that instead of the people in their religion sticking together--

They should stick apart.  Ha, ha.  Very funny.  You all go in for some pretty stupid humor, you know that?

You should have seen us before the Big Takeover of 2011.  No one took anything seriously.  We all thought that not really caring about society and the world was cool, and we would make stupid jokes and infantile pranks, thinking we would somehow disrupt the system.  Until, of course, the System got out ahead of us.

How do you mean?

To be honest, Im not really sure.  Some say we just werent paying enough attention to the slow progress from hedonistic and decadent to diseased and corrupt, but others claim that what eventually became Government, Inc stumbled upon some new innovation or invention that propelled their information and communication abilities far beyond what anyone ever suspected.  A lot of us are trying to figure out what happened.

Anyway, after we lost and Doubtless Incident and the Illegitimate Son of God I know, I know, dont look at me like that.  They had weird names.  Leave it at that.  After they got taken in by the Cops and beaten to death, we realized they werent complete fuckups anymore, and we had to actually crack down and get shit done.  We couldnt agree on any one project or tactic or plan, which is when the gnome and Stain, independently of each other, came up with a practical application of Sticking Apart.

Go on I think I can see where this is going.

Well, think of it this way:  If you have an opponent who has more manpower, and with analytical skills off the charts, the only way to get around their counter strategy is complete randomness.  The night we created the Open Bar, we decided to split up, and never openly talk about our main objective, the one thing that we could all agree on, to a greater or lesser extent to bring down Government, Inc.

What?  Bring it down?  Pretty tall order there, mister.

Dont knock it till youve tried it.  So, we split up, each of us trying in our own way to beat the System, but with no direct communication about our short term tactics or goals. Stain opened up his Pizza parlor, Mal had her caf, Mangrove became attached to the Open Bar and decided to befriend it, and so on.

Wait If everyone split up, how is it that you know all these people?

They just like me, I guess.

I find that very hard to believe.  Erin cracked me a wry grin, and I could feel myself respond.  You know, down there.

Very funny.  Ok, were approaching the outskirts of The City.  You better open up that tequila.  Its an hour to the base of The Mountain, and I dont want you freaking out before we get a chance to meet Noodle.

Who?

Noodle.  Of the Mountain.  Nice girl, but deadly.

***   *****   ***   *****

Erin cracked open the bottle, and took a swig.  She made a face.

Yuck.  This is awful.

Could be worse, could be Jose Cuervo.

Ugh, never mind.  Im starting to get jittery.  Let me just drink.

Thats some good thinking.  See if you can lean the seat back so youre just staring at the ceiling.

She was able to recline the seat to its optimal horny-teenager-getting-it-on-in-Moms-car position, took another slug, grimaced, and closed her eyes.  I tried to find something good on the radio, but all I could find was propaganda, and the latest Brittany Spears clone.  Man, when are they going to stop that shit?  She died in a plane crash 15 years ago, and each replica is just worse than before.  Surely her DNA has run out by now.

The shitheap of a car cleared the city limits, and as usual, I was struck with a wave of vertigo as the psychotecture came to a sudden end.  It was as if the entire landscape became a barren, emotional plain.  When you live with artificial manipulations of your nervous system 24/7, the sudden absence of the distorted empathic pressures makes you feel like your head is about to spin off your neck while a nest of snakes bursts out of your head.

I reached over to Erin & grabbed the bottle of tequila from her.  Hey, she said weakly.  I was just

Keep your pants on, I just need to clear my head, I said, taking a swig & handing it back.  An amber smokiness took a joyride down my throat as I felt my belly warm to the welcome intruder, and my vision start to return to normal.  I gripped the wheel more tightly and frowned at the road which, devoid of neurological manipulation, was just a road.  The mental silence was crushing, but I could see the muted green of the treeline,  skirting The Mountain, beckoning us.

The Mountain.  Geologists have spent entire careers trying to figure out how it got there.  Imagine everything around you being flat, and then an alp-like, craggy looming monstrosity juts up from the earth like out of some Lovecraftian wanna-be pulp thriller.  No volcanic activity, not on a fault line, its just there, like the granite tooth of some monstrous beast.  Throughout the generations, because of its lack of scientific explanation as to its presence, loony and whacked-out religious nuts have tried to set up shop in the craggy caves of The Mountain, only to return to civilization in a few months, perhaps a year, starving, freezing, and muttering of inexplicable, random events that no one could figure out.  Sometimes, they never did come back.

I suppose thats why The Mountain appealed to Noodle.  I mean, besides the fact that she was the smartest one of all of use for getting the hell out of The City when she had the chance, lets not forget that she is utterly and completely, an inexplicable, random event.  No ones sure when she showed up in our little group, she was just there one day, looking fresh off the bus, and wielding a field hockey stick.  She left the same way, too:  Silently, quickly, and without a trace.  It was only several months later that we heard about what was happening up on The Mountain.  Noodle had apparently taken over some pseudo-monks cave and had quickly transformed it into a full-body-contact Zen sanctuary/dojo.  In no time flat, she had the hook up to all the best society has to offer, and none of the downfalls of The City.  Sound like paradise, right?  Well, the turnover rate is pretty high, not to mention the body count  But it makes sense that she would be the one who would carry the Somax 2350.  Hell, a girls gotta have some fun, right?

Erin had come to the end of the bottle.  She tossed it aside, and reached for the other.  Whoa, hold up there, darlin.  Youre not supposed to pass out on me.

Shut up.  I can hear them screaming.  Erins face was pale, and tight, like she was using her facial muscles to keep her brain from exploding out of her skull.  How how long until we get into the trees?

Were already there.  Relax, take a few minutes, Ill let you know when you should start looking around.  With that, the first of the horrifically twisted trees began to pass by, and soon the base forest swallowed the car into its murky half-light.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:17:54 pm
Chapter 17: We have met the Noodle, and she is, um

Horribly angled branches, with gnarled twigs grasping at the gloom passed by the window.  Anyone else, from any other part of the world, would immediately proclaim this place as haunted.  The too-close stacked trees gave birth to illusions of skulking movement, while sinister patterns in the bark made blasphemous hieroglyphics, incomprehensible warnings to anyone stupid enough to stay the night.

But we were from The City, and to us, if felt like a homecoming.  Erin sat up, the empty tequila bottle rolling off her supple thighs and hitting the car floor with a muted bonk.

Oh this is more like it.  She stretched her arms languidly, like a cat after being stuffed in a carrier for hours.  That tequila really seemed to help but now theres a problem.

Whats that?

I am fucking horny, she drawled, as her hand reached out & began sliding its way up my thigh.  I guess I should have told you what tequila does to me, but I was way too far gone to care at the time.

Dammit Erin, I said, Your sense of timing absolutely sucks.  We have to get to the next treeline in under an hour.  The trees seemed to press upon us, reach out to the econobox, but somehow, it felt like an embrace.  Not as much as an embrace than Erins palm placed firmly in my crotch, however.  Erin leaned in close, smelling of sex and tequila, and kissed me gently on my neck, then nibbled lightly.  I was definitely beginning to respond.  Maybe it wouldnt hurt to take a short break, I thought, as Erin pressed up against me, her soft skin rubbing against my shirt.

L, cmon, I know youHOLY SHIT! 

I felt a sickening pain in my gut as she clenched her fist in reflexive terror, and an equally sickening sense of dread, as I saw what was in the road.  It was a barricade, but a barricade made up entirely of limbs.  Not tree limbs: It seemed like it was everything but tree limbs.  Cow legs, deer legs, dog legs but mostly human.  Severed arms, dripping stumps of leg; feet, both bare and with shoes.  It was pretty gross.  I pulled the econobox left, hard, trying to avoid a collision, but the mass of appendages spanned the whole road, and the trees seemed to bunch together, forming a wooden wall, sharp branches jabbing out like spears.  The front right fender slammed into the meat pile with a wet Thud, and my face slammed into the steering wheel.  Just like a clich, everything went black.

I came to only a few seconds later, my cheek warm & wet, and Erin shaking my arm.  It seems the econobox had web safety, so she had the dubious privilege of her torso being held firmly to the seat by a tight mesh of plastic threads, with only her arms free to move.  It certainly showed off her figure.

I was feeling a bit woozy, but managed to thumb the web release on the dashboard, and Erin breathed a sigh of release as the threads snaked back into the seat.  Damn, she muttered, that was worse than a steel corset.

I managed a grin.  Id love to see you try that sometime.  I opened the door, and motioned to her.  Youd better come out this way, Im not sure you want to go out your side.  The econobox was partially buried in the limb blockade, making exit impossible, a grisly mess pressed up against the side window.

Erin climbed over the seat, and gingerly checked herself out next to the car, testing for any broken bones or bruises.  I could tell I had a pretty bad cut on my face, but apart from that, I seemed to be fine.  I walked around to the back, opened the case with the neuro-disruptor, and jammed an energy cell into the hilt.  There was a momentary high pitched whine, and then silence.  I made sure the mystery letter Stain gave me was still in my pocket, and walked back around to Erin.

Ok what the hell is this!  She pointed to the mound of flesh.

I can only figure its one of 5 things.  One: Another utopian community has bitten the dust.  Two: Someones got a really weird fetish.  Three: Noodles run for Prezitator has gotten extreme.  Four:  Someone has a fucked-up idea of a practical joke.  Five: Whoevers writing the script of our lives right now doesnt know how to write the part of Noodle, and theyre stalling for time.

Wait.  Repeat that last one again?

Never mind.  More esoterica.  Whats important here is that we get the hell away from this pile of meat before were spotted.

Why? Arent you and this Noodle character supposed to be friends?

You think this entire Mountain is under her control?  No way.  I mean, shes certainly trying, but theres waaay too much terrain up here to cover.  And believe me, theres a few groups round here you do not want to mess with.  I hoisted the disruptor.  Id tell you to stay behind me, but I doubt it would do much good, as most of these fuckers already know how to play in 3 dimensions.

What the hell do you mean

From out of the trees, what sound led like from all sides, came a unified shout: SUBMIT FUCKERS!  FOR I AM AWESOME!  And then a shot, loud.  And another.  I heard the thick squelch of a bullet tearing into the pile of dead limbs, and I grabbed Erin, pulling her low to the ground.  I fired the disruptor straight ahead of me, and got lucky.  A scream, and the sound of a body falling to the ground.  I pushed Erin ahead of me.  Run!  That way!  Now!

We almost made it to the edge of the road.  Two large figures leapt from the upper branches of the trees, slamming into us with little grace, but much force.  I saw Erin crumple, as my head slammed into the ground.  The last thing I heard before the dark world of unconsciousness robbed me of my senses was, I dont like spiders and burritos are cool.  I want to break little glass people right now.  Whales remind me of spleens.

Well, I guess we found her, I thought.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:18:58 pm
Chapter 18: Things get Ugly.

Darkness.  I was pretty sure my eyes werent blindfolded.  My hands were bound, and sounds were muffled.  A low rumbling, plus a steady vibration in the floor told me I was probably in the trunk of a car.  What confirmed it was feeling a lurch, the squeal of brakes, and getting thrown roughly into another body.  The smell of her, that sweet, bitter smell of Cinnamon and sadness let me know it was Erin.  Her body was still warm, and I felt her take a breath, but she was so still

Erin?  Erin, cmon, wake up.  No response.  I could hear shouting now, and then the distinctive report of gunfire.  A lot of gunfire.  Shouts became screams, and I could hear whatever vehicle we were in getting hit.  Suddenly, there was a muffled, but very loud explosion, and the vehicle lurched.  The screams stopped. 

Silence.  Darkness.  The crunching sound of footsteps, drawing near.

There was the creaking and groaning of bent steel, and then a brilliance that left me as blind as before.  Hands grabbing me, dragging me up, then throwing me down.  Heard Erins body hit the ground beside me with the sound of a sack of dropped meat.  Struggled to make out a face, but it was only dark silhouettes.  A boot kicked me.  A fist hit my face.  A rapid succession of blows, I was unsure of means or weaponry.  A sharp crack on the back of my head.

Darkness again.

I awoke to cool, rough stone under my cheek.  Trying to move no more than possible, I cracked my eyelids.  I saw the hem of Erins shirt.  Then I felt the toe of a boot in my back.  I saw that, a gruff voice spat.  It sounded like oil-soaked gravel, full of hate and spite.  Get your ass up, big boy.  Hands grabbed me, and thrust me into a chair.  I could see we were in a cave of some sort, or maybe a room shaped like a cave.  Or a cave converted into a room.  Either way, the floor and walls were made of rough hewn stone, and there was a door stuck in the wall on the left.  Opposite the door was Erins limp body, curled upon itself like a wounded animal.  She still wasnt moving.  The voice spoke up behind me vicious and reptile.  Looks like this ones formed an attachment.  Lets give him a lesson about Universe.  A man in drab army pants and heavy boots walked past me.  He wore no shirt, but had a tight fitting black hood covering his head and face, leaving only his eyes visible.  He grabbed Erin around the waist, and hauled her up to her feet.  Her eyes fluttered.  L, she asked, her eyes full of pain and confusion.  Whats going on?

The voice behind me, dripping with malice, said, Did someone say the animal could talk?  The man holding Erin threw her into the wall.  Her shoulders and back hit, and she started to slide into a heap again.  Before her knees could fully buckle, he swung his fist into her stomach, throwing her back into the wall again.  His left hand shot out, grabbed her throat, and proceeded to lift her upright.  Erins breath was ragged and constricted underneath his hand.  He curled his arm into his chest, turning Erin around, facing the wall.  His right arm shot forward, connecting between her shoulder blades, as he simultaneously let go of her throat.  Erin was thrust, face first, into the wall.  Her scream as the sharp hooks of the unfinished raw rock tore into her skin was unbearable.  I could see the red stain on the wall from where her nose broke, and the smear where her cheek gave way to the rock.  Her torturer grabbed her by the hair, pulled hard, and shoved her face into the wall once again.  He laughed at Erins low moan of pain.

Ok, stop.  Seriously, Ill tell you what you need to know, freely.  You dont have to do this, I said.

I dont think you get it, Little One, said the voice behind me.  We dont care.  Thats how life is, sometimes.  No matter what you do, the things you care for are destroyed. 

The man in front of me pulled a knife from the sheath in his belt.  It was long, slightly curved, edged on both sides, and looked like it was flaked with rust.  But I knew it wasnt rust.  With the other hand still in her hair, he half dragged, half threw her onto a wood and steel table directly opposite the chair I was sitting in.  The edge of the table struck her in the stomach, and she folded neatly in half, her face once again slamming down.  Her lip split, her teeth stained red, like pearls dipped in raspberry preserves. 

The hooded man placed the knife at the small of Erins back, and slid it upwards along her spine.  She gasped, and her blouse and bra fell away from her shoulders.  A thin red line scored up her back, and then slowly began to bead and ooze small threads of blood.  You like that move? the voice in my ear said.  One stroke, and the blade cuts her shirt, bra, and skin, all at the same time.

You fucking asshole, I growled.  Stop it!  Shes got nothing for you!

I dont think you understand, yet.  We dont care.  You can plead, you can beg, you can offer us money, you can even threaten us.  Universe doesnt care.  Sometimes, truly awful things happen.  Like this for example.  I felt a hand on my left wrist, and one on my shoulder, and then whoever was behind me rammed their knee into the back of my elbow.  It gave way with a sickening crack, as my arm filled with pain.  The man before me was now sliding his knife down Erins leg, peeling back her pants, but caring little for the pale, delicate skin underneath.  I could see tiny cuts and gashes in her calf & thigh where the knife dug in a little too deep.  When he grabbed the waistband of her pants, she came to her senses just enough to struggle.  With a laugh, he twisted her arm behind her back, and raised her up off the table.  For a moment, you could see her, topless, blood from her face dripping onto her perfect breasts, a look of desperate horror in her eyes, and then he slammed her against the table again.  Her face bounced off the unforgiving steel, and her shoulder dislocated with an audible pop.  As Erin howled with pain, the man just laughed, and with a savage pull, tore her pants off.

The voice whispered in my ear, as the sickening pain in my arm matched what I was watching, you see?  There is nothing you can do.  You are helpless in an uncaring Universe, which will crush your body, and your spirit.  Watch. Watch and learn something about the Universe you live in.

The man with the knife wrenched Erins dislocated arm above her head, and without a word slammed the knife through the back of her hand and into the wood, pinning her like a butterfly in a sadistic collectors menagerie.  Erin turned her head sideways, looking at me, and screamed, only to be silenced by a fist, breaking her cheekbone.  The hooded man stepped back, began unzipping his pants with one hand, as with the other, he jammed his fingers into

The Editors have agreed:  There is no way we are letting you read the rest of this.  Go and read something more pleasant, like American Psycho, or The 120 Days of Sodom.

 In case you were wondering, we called the authors fiance, and shes doing just fine. 


though, because at that point it was more exposed muscle tissue than skin.

Eventually, they stopped.  I couldnt tell if it was hours, or days later.  The hooded man stepped back, picked up his pants, and started wiping off parts of Erin onto them.  The unrecognizable heap on the table that used to be her would quiver every now and again, but other than that there was no sound, no movement.

As for me, I guessed I had about a dozen broken bones, including my ribs, left arm, and right leg and foot.  I had cuts and bruises all over my body, but I wasnt paying attention to what my body was screaming at me.  My eyes were on the table, and what was on it.  The door opened, and more hooded men entered.  As they grabbed Erins body and dragged it out of the room, my tormenter, with that voice, said, I hope this has been a valuable lesson for you.  Tomorrow, we let you go.  We hope you will do your best to incorporate this experience into your philosophical world view:  Universe simply doesnt care, about you, or anyone else, no matter how hard you may want it to, and no matter how righteous you feel in your heart.

Go fuck yourself.

Thats the spirit.

He left the room, and everything went dark.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:20:14 pm
CHAPTER 19:  You didnt see that one coming, did you?

Somehow, through the pain in my body and mind, I fell asleep.  It wasnt pleasant.  Images of Erin being raped and tortured kept flashing through my head, and I felt even more helpless as the images came unbidden.  Her eyes, pleading for me to make it all stop, her screams becoming ever so much more desperate, eventually just screaming at the hopelessness of screaming.  I kept forcing myself to wake up, so I wouldnt have to face it all again.  At one point, I awoke with a start to the jab of a needle in my arm.  I struggled the best I could with my useless limbs, but a warmth spread up my arm and through my body, and then I was back into the depths of my personal horror show; but this time, there was no escaping.


I listened to her scream forever.


Eventually, I woke up.  I was stretched out on the floor, with rough splints on my leg and arm.  My hand was bandaged with gauze, as was my foot.  Sometime during my drug-induced nightmare, someone must have given me some sort of painkiller, because even though my body throbbed in time to my heartbeat, I could think above the pain when I tried to move.  A mixed blessing at best.  When the pain abated enough to allow me to think, all I could think about was her.  What they did to her.  I punched my leg, hard.  A horrific agony swelled out of my leg and into my brain.  The pain was easier to deal with.  I punched my leg again.  I blacked out.

When I came to again, it was still mostly dark in the room.  I noticed the door was open slightly, and an orangish glow crept through.  Someone must have given me another shot, because the pain was again at a manageable level.  I groaned, and rolled onto my stomach.  I managed to push myself up, and get my good leg underneath me.  Gingerly, I made my way to the door.  I hesitated when my foot stepped into the light.  What if this was a test?  What if they were waiting just outside, ready to inflict more punishment after I proved I was grounded enough again to try to escape?  Fuck it, I thought, either they are or they arent, and nothings gonna change if I stay here.  I grabbed the edge of the door and swung it open.

It was a corridor, still looking as if it were hewn out of rock, but hanging off one spur in the wall was a heavy outdoor coat, and leaning under that, a cane.  It was slim, black, with a silver handle in the shape of an antler.  It looked strong.  I limped over, shrugged the coat over my shoulders, and grabbed the cane.  What the fuck.  Parting gifts? 

I stood still for a moment, and listened.  Inside my head, Erin whimpered.  I tried to push the memory back down into my subconscious, feeling waves of guilt as I did.  Now wasnt the time.  There might never be a time.  Slowly, my mind stilled.  I closed my eyes.  The corridor starched out to my left, and right.  I stood, waiting.  Then, I heard it.  Off to the left, a subtle echo.  To the right, nothing.  Chances were, the exit is where the noise is.  Wincing, I hobbled to the left.  The left-hand path.  How fitting.

The corridor went on for a long time.  Or at least it seemed like it, what with all the limping.  With every step, the sensation of knives jabbed through my leg.  Every so often, I had to stop, to focus away from the pain that was making my vision cloud, and brought back the screaming in my head.  It was like the pain was connected with my final memories of Erin.  Half-delirious, I almost didnt want the pain to end, because that might also make me start forgetting her.  I thought back to other people I had known who had vanished, died, or left.  Their faces were half-erased illustrations on corroded paper, while Erins was as fresh as the meat that was cut off her bones.  I couldnt lose her twice.

I was so wrapped up in my own head, I almost didnt notice the air getting colder, and the quality of light getting better.  What brought me around was the sound of a fire, and the smell of coffee and roasting meat.  My stomach growled, and my mouth filed with spit.  Swallowing, I turned a corner, and saw the mouth of the cave tunnel, looking out over the twisted trees of the Mountain.  Off to one side was a small campfire, and sleeping, with his head on his knees, was a man in olive green pants and a black hood.  I made my way as silently as I could, getting as close to him as possible.  It could have been Erins murderer, my torturer.  It probably wasnt.  I didnt care.  I raised the cane above me head, willing all my strength to keep me standing upright.



Wow, that last bit I wrote sucked: I deleted it.



I sat at the edge of the cave, next to the pathetic little fire that was doing its best to stay alive in spite of the thunderstorm that had just come up the side of the Mountain.  I dipped my hands in a puddle of rain water that was collecting at my feet.  The cold, acrid water smelled like the air of The City, and stung the cuts and scrapes on my knuckles.  The water tuned a rust brown color as I rinsed my hands.  I turned, and wiped them off on the pantleg of the corpse lying beside me.  A pool of blood framed what was left of his head like a congealing halo.  I know, I had been stupid; I hadnt taken the hood off before smashing his face into nothingness with the cane, and now there was no way of telling who he might have been.

I huddled near the fire, nibbling on the roasted meat the dead man had been cooking.  It tasted gamey, and it was stringy & tough.  To my mind came unbidden memories of what I had witnessed in that room and I began to retch, but my hunger overcame the nausea.  Initially, I had been worried that my escape had been discovered, but it had soon become clear that except for this one man, everyone had disappeared.  So why did this guy stay around?

It was a sacrifice.  Musta been.  My own words, gruff and harsh, echoed in the cave.  Some fucked up sense of Fairness must guide those fuckers.  And, like a sucker, I fell for it.  I let myself be lured into playing by their rules.  I had proven their point.

I smacked the dead mans leg.  Asshole.  The least you could have done is be awake, so I could feel that I was defending myself.  Groaning, I sat down next to the body, and listened to the rain, with the occasional bursts of thunder.  I stared at the shadows flickering on the wall of the cave, and I wondered what the hell I was going to do next.  The weather prevented me form trying to venture outside, but even if I could, where would I go?  Even if I was able to get down The Mountain, Id still have to find a way to get back to The City and I was a fugitive there.  No doubt theyd have found who I was by now, and theyd be pissed about me killing that cop.

I could stay on the mountain, but even if I held my ground and established a place among the battling factions, Id always be reminded of Erin  No.  I cant think about there right now.  But I cant not think about her.

Right.  I realized there was only one thing to do.  I had to get to the Ocean, to finish this fucking thing.  It started with a face-raping bat, it was gonna end at the Ocean.  Fuck it, Im not even getting paid anymore.  Theres just nowhere else for me to go.

I leaned over the body, and rummaged around in the packs on his belt, until I found what I was looking for: a flask of cheap whiskey, and what looked like standard-issue pain killers.  I washed one down with the other, and tried to make myself as comfortable as possible.  The next few days were going to suck.

The next few?  Fuck, maybe all the rest of my days were gonna suck.  And I didnt even know how many of them I might have left.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:22:11 pm
Chapter 20: Down We Go

So, I set off down the Mountain.  I pushed my way through strange plants of almost-bamboo, gnarled trees with sharp leaves, and odd insects that buzzed menacingly.  The ground was slick with a grayish moss, and the boots I had lifted off the corpse were worn pretty thin.  My leg kept barking its truth about the state of my bones, as I used the cane as best I could among the rocks.  I could hear running water as I struggled to avoid the thorns of some sort of carnivorous plant that had half a lizard dangling from its bloom, and I made my way towards it.  The sound soon became a roar as mist began to fill the air, and the jagged rocks became even more treacherous and slick, jabbing into the soles of my feet through the boots, and cutting my shins.  I hoped the mossy lichens werent toxic.

The trees soon gave way to a precipice, opening up on a massive waterfall.  For a moment, the past few days gave way to a stunned tranquility.  My mind can deal with a lot of stuff associated with living in The City, with its high technology and low motivations.  But this; this was something else.  Above me, the cliff rose hundreds of feet in the air, its sides polished smooth by the water rushing over it.  Hundreds of feet below, the water plunged into the darkness of a chasm, the canopy obscuring how far down it actually went.  And the water itself!  It was a bright blue, blue like a crayon, blue like a crashed computer before the Singularity Merger.  It practically leapt from the crest like an animal, as spray flung away from the rock face, while the water itself crashed and boomed its way past me. 

An errant jet of the blue liquid broke on an outcropping next to me.  My nose and tongue picked up the scent of blood, and I reached out to wipe my fingers against the outcropping, and then stuck them in my mouth.  A sharp taste snapped my head back, and I realized what made the water so blue.  There must be an extremely high copper content in that waterfall, which is why the rocks were so smooth.  I sat down, unsure of myself in such a place, wondering where to go next.

Something buzzed by me, almost lumbering through the air.  I looked around and saw an insect, about as big as my finger.  I didnt know what the hell it was.  It had wings, almost like a dragonfly, but nowhere near as graceful.  It seemed to be thrown off balance by its large frontal claws, and a wicked looking tail that arched over its back.  A winged scorpion, I guess, except for having only 2 legs, like a sparrow.  And big, black eyes.  It hovered for few seconds, looking at me.  I was slowly reaching for my cane when it came at me, buzzing furiously with a speed it hadnt shown before.  Its claws dug into my chest, and that tail jabbed into me, just below my left collar bone.  I managed to grab the cane with my right hand and smash it into my own chest just as a cold numbing spread through my left shoulder and down my arm.  I hear a crunch, but that damn tail seemed to be burrowing into me.  I smashed it again with the cane, and this time it stopped moving, and hung limply from my chest, my fresh blood mingling with whatever juices that thing was keeping inside it. 

That cold numbness had made its way all down my arm, and I suppose that was a small blessing, as the damage I had suffered in the cave was muted to a more manageable level.  But I could also feel it making its way through my torso, and I wondered what the hell I was going to do if I became an almost-walking study in full-body Novocain.  Using my cane, I struggled to my feet, and noticed a change in the timbre of the waterfall.  It had grown deeper, more resonant, less like water, and more like something familiar, something man made.

Over the edge of a waterfall, some sort of ship appeared.  Well, I thought it was a ship, but as it cleared the edge of the waterfall, it kept going horizontally.  It didnt fall over the edge.  I could feel the numbness creep up my neck as the craft, vehicle, whatever it was, clear the edge of the falls, and begin to gently descend.  It was circular, about 20 yards in diameter, with a clear domed top.  It also made a muted roaring sound that was a mixture of a constantly collapsing building and the afterburner of a jet.  As my entire left side went numb, I was reminded of some old movies my grandfather used to show us before unauthorized media devices were outlawed.  He called them Flying Saucers.

My numb left leg and my broken right one could no longer support my weight.  I collapsed as gently as I could against the sharp rocks, half grateful again to whatever the fuck was in my bloodstream.

The craft settled until the clear dome was level with the ledge I was on.  The dome parted in the middle, and a man with flying goggles called out to me, Are you LMNO?

I weakly raised my right arm in affirmation.

Oh, good.  Im Reverend W.H. Name.  Looks like you might need some help.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:26:49 pm
Chapter 21: Scully, you have to see this!

A hatch opened in the side of his vehicle, and some attachments that looked like a very large spatula and some tongs, emerged and scooped me up.  I couldnt tell if it was gentle or not, as my body was totally numb at this point, but the occasional mutterings from Name didnt give me much confidence.  Eventually, I was dumped into some sort of medical-looking cot with various attachments looming all around it, fortunately on my back.  Name got up from the controls, and stood over me.

Damn, you look like shit.

Wh. Ah. Yuh...

Hold on a sec.  I can flush the poison, but we may as well take advantage of the situation.  He removed the splints on my arm, and then with little grace, planted one foot in my side, and pulled as hard as he could.  I could hear various pops and cracks as he re-broke the bones.  If I could grimace at the sound, I would have.  I couldnt feel anything, but I knew he just undid whatever sort of healing had been taking place.  I wanted to scream at him, but I was helpless.  He proceeded to do the same thing with my leg.  Turning away from me, he pressed a few buttons on the ships wall, and a shell-like lid closed over my body, leaving only my head exposed.  I could feel my body being pulled and prodded by unknown devices, and Name went back to his controls.  I could still see him from the cot as the persistent rumbling got louder, and he began to speak.

Yeah, so, I was hanging out at the Open Bar, when Mangrove started talking about you.  Said you were all off on some quest with some hot chick.  Didnt see her with you, I hope you had the good sense to put her in some safehouse before coming to the Mountain.  Anyway, no one had heard from you for a while, so Open Bar put some tracers out, and wouldnt you know, the fuckin cops are looking for you.  You really got to learn how to keep your head down, yknow? 

Anyway, on a hunch O.B. put in a call to Zekes.  Which leads us to here, and to now.  He stood up again, and grabbed a syringe from a compartment in the wall.  Ok, I guess the medbots done what it can.  Time to set you free.  He jabbed the needle into my neck, and dropped the plunger.  A warmth spread through my shoulders, and crept down my chest.  I could feel my throat loosen up, and I swallowed.  I opened my mouth.  I wasnt sure what to say.

Then it got to my arm.  The warmth turned to fire, and I could feel every newly-broken bone. I screamed.  And then it hit my leg.  I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain, and I could hear Name scramble around, muttering to himself.  Another jab in my neck, and I was out of my body.  Out of my head.  The bastard gave my synthetic OBE, I thought.  What the fuck is going on here?

I heard that, he said, tapping the side of his goggles.  A neat little trick I picked up from the scrids.  Float for a while, well talk.

***  ***  ***

Name tapped at the controls, and the ship pitched forward, pointing us straight down.  I could see the waterfall plunge through the canopy, and into a dark crevasse.  A few more taps at the controls, and we began a slow descent.  The skewed perspective and the synthetic OBE made me dizzy.  I tried to put a hand up to my head, but I couldnt.  At the moment, I didnt have hands.  Or a head.  What the hell kind of ship is this, anyway?

Oh, you like it?  Its a prototype Ive been working on.  Antigravity.

Antigravity.

Yeah!  See, when you smash gold atoms together, and do it often enough, the gluon plasma flux will sometimes allow new particles to form.  And as we all know, new particles equal new mass, which equals new energy.  And since Conazzios correlation to Einstein say that high volumes of mass and energy can warp the gravitation field, it seemed like a simple step to making it directional and using it for a vehicle.

So that would mean...

Yeah, theres a particle collider in the ships hull.

Wait.  Theres no way that would work.

Do you want to argue the fact that its working right now?

Good point.  Uh, whats with the OBE drug?

Your body is going to be in severe pain for a while, as the bones heal-

Again.

-yeah.  Again.  Like you did such a good job the first time.  Anyway, the medbot is out of morphine.  Dont ask, but it was one hell of a party.  So, yeah, all I had left was the synth OBE.  Trust me.  You do not want to be in your body right now.

Why am I trusting you, again?

Because I just saved your life.

Hmm.

Look, if you want me to take you back to that cliff so you can deal with those wee beasties yourself, just let me know.  Otherwise, just let me drive.

Or drop, as the case may be.

We reached the treeline, and passed through it, the semi-tropical/semi-arctic trees offering little resistance as the ships warped gravitational field passed by.  They seemed to warp, split, and explode into slivers as the ship got nearer.

Tides.  Its bad news to be both inside and outside the warped field.

We sank lower, into the chasm, and any ambient light soon disappeared.

Where the hell are we going?

Name flipped a switch, and a pair of beacon lights came on.  We seemed to be in a column of sheared rock, with a spraying waterfall on one side, descending into blackness.

O.B. said you wanted to go to the Ocean.  Ive got an express line.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 15, 2008, 03:27:30 pm

After some time was spent dropping into the earth, Name threw a few more switches, and we started moving forward.  Around the ship, the beacon lights showed jagged tunnel walls; a high, pitched ceiling; and a surprisingly smooth floor.  Rough hewn corridors branched off on either side, leading off into more darkness.

What is this place?

This was the proposed rail line between the City, the Mountain, and the Ocean.  It was constructed about ten years ago, but was shut down right before the tunnels were completed.

Whys that?

Oh.  Well, it soon became obvious that no one from either the City, the Mountain or the Ocean really wanted to go to the City, the Mountain or the Ocean that easily.

Makes sense.  Wait.  Did you say shut down before they were completed?

Er, yeah.  But dont worry about it.  The tunnels solid.  They only used lack of interest as a cover story.  Truth is, some of the stations had... unusual psychotecture.

More unusual than normal, then.

Yeah.  You might have heard about it.  Its, well... Its better if I show you.  Look there.  Name swung the spotlight in an arc, and shadows jumped on the jagged walls.  They seemed huge, misshapen.  Vaguely human.  At least, they seemed to have the right number of limbs.  The heads, though... They were abnormally distended, and some of them showed strange appendages, or growths, hanging off to one side.

What the fuck?

Here, let me see if I can Name fishtailed the ship, a quick pivot that made the engines whine like goat with one foot stuck in a blender.  On of the shadows darted to the side, and collapsed into itself as the figure casting it ran to the center of the tunnel.  It was covered with some matted, grimy pelt that was probably once white and pink, and seemed to have paws rather than hands.  It turned towards the ship, and I found myself looking into the glazed, fixed stare of a giant rabbit.  That is, a giant rabbit mask.

No.  Oh, no.  Please dont tell me

It ran at the ship, and leapt at the windshield.  An impressive leap, too, until it hit the massive gravitational field around the ship.  It burst with an impressive sideways, twisting motion.  Its not often you get to see a creature (probably human) wearing a full body rabbit suit get turned inside out due to massive tides created by the gravitational fields of a personal particle collider.  Its fairly impressive.  Half of it was thrown left, half thrown right, before the windshield was painted bright red.  The only thing that made it through was part of a forearm, a bone jutting from one end, and wrapped in some sort of artificial fabric.  It slowly slipped off to one side, as Name pushed a button that began to repel the blood off the ship.

Yup.  Furries.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on April 30, 2008, 08:20:29 pm
So this is where they all ended up.

Yeah, it started with the rabbits.  Probably because there were so many of them, and the tunnels were supposed  to have a comforting psychotecture.

Like a warren, youre saying.

Yeah, youve got it.  Burrowing animals, underground psychotecture.  It would almost be funny if it turned out there were so many of them.  They just started... showing up.  The construction workers would find them tucked into various niches and holes.  Yiffing.

Yuk.

I know.  Government, Inc. soon scrapped the project, and the place became a haven for them.  Word spread, and next thing you know, all sorts of anthropomorphized fetish animals were coming down here.  Wolves, panda bears, fish, paramecium-

Paramicium?

Yeah.  I hope you never have to see that furpile.  Or would that be ciliapile?  Anyway, once that culture established itself, the tunnels soon became home to all the freaks who couldnt deal with having real lives in The City, and made up their own versions.  Some say it was the psychotecture itself that drove them to it.  Doesnt really matter in the end, though: the tunnels have become home to any sort of cosplay fetish you can think of.  Whoops, hold on.

The shadows of the furries seemed to have congregated into one particular area.  They seemed to be coming to some sort of consensus.  Name pulled the craft to the right, gliding down a side tunnel.  I think were gonna have a bumpy ride for a while, he said. 

He wasnt kidding.  Without much warning, furries exploded from the shadows, and leapt at the ship and exploded again.  The air was full of blood, flesh, and cheap, gaudy fabrics.  The swirling gravitational field acted like a blender, grinding up organ and bone into a perverted pt.  Even in my out-of-body condition, I felt queasy.

How long are they going to keep this up?  How many of them are there?

Oh, theyll keep going all day.  It seems that some of them used to be quite smart, in their other lives.  They found ways to merge with their costumes.

You mean-

Yeah, they started to fuse their actual skin with the suits.  They adapted some of the technology from the genetic body mod crew, only they tried to go further with it, and got it wrong.  Apparently, they didnt want to change their DNA, they wanted to add to it.  So, they managed to get their DNA to accept the artificial fabrics they wore. 

Thats Thats kind of stupid.

Youre telling me.  Apparently in their zeal, they didnt take into account that they just invited artificial fabrics into theie entire body.  So, some of them died when their livers suddenly became plushy, and others went insane when fuzzy pink polyester lesions began appearing on their brains.  And then, of course, genes are passed on to the next generation It became a fine example of De-Evolution.  And what you get is the resulting horde.

What about the ones who survived? 

Oh, theyre the leaders.  They have absolute thrall over the horde.  Hold on I think were about to see one.  The mutant furries had abated in their grisly suicide attacks, and at the far end of the tunnel, a figure in a military outfit cut a mean profile.  As we got closer, two things were extremely striking: one, that the figure was not a mutant, but a fiercely attractive woman; and two, she was carrying an extremely large gun.

Oh shit, said Name, its Kaousuu.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on April 30, 2008, 10:02:15 pm
Wowwwww, this is fabulous. Beyond reckoning.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mourning Star on April 30, 2008, 11:49:45 pm
LAWL! Suu leads the furscum of the underworld!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Suu on May 01, 2008, 04:04:38 pm
It's amazing, isn't it?
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on May 01, 2008, 04:12:02 pm
Damn.  Now I'll have to write a new chapter as well...
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 31, 2008, 06:00:21 pm
She leveled the gun at Names ship, and with one hand, made a slashing motion across her throat.  Weve got to shut it down, said Name.

Are you kidding?  What about the gravitational shield around the ship?

Im not sure you understand.  What shes got there is a Pulsar 6, which is a reverse-field, force-pulse rifle.  It has the unfortunate advantage of not being subject to gravity.  He turned a few knobs, and the persistent roaring sound from the ship began to ebb.  Im also gonna have to get you out of that medbot.

Um.. Im using it right now.

Look, when the ship finally powers down, do you want to be trapped like some diseased monk lost in the astral plane, or do you want to at least have a chance at getting out of whatever Suu has in mind?

Dammit This is gonna hurt, isnt it?

Yup.  Name hit a button, and I felt myself being grabbed out of mid-air, and slammed back into my body.  Man, those OBE drugs sure bring--you down haaaaaaaaargh!  My leg and arm had obviously not fully healed yet, and there was this creepy itching sensation under my skin, probably from the venom of whatever that thing was that attacked me.  The front of the Medbot opened, and I unceremoniously dropped to the floor.

Damn.  Uh, Name?

Yeah?

That fucking thing took my clothes.

Well, they were pretty filthy.

Yeah, but I looked at the white tunic I was wearing, which felt like some sort of paper synthetic.  I sighed.  Got a spare set of boots?

Name rummaged through a cubbyhole as the ship finished powering down.  I could now hear Suus voice ringing out through the tunnel.  Come on out, Name! she shouted.  We just want to talk!  Dont give me the chance to use this thing, because you know how I can get carried away!

Name tossed me a battered pair of workboots, crusted with dirt.  I managed to get my limbs working enough to squeeze my feet into them, and then stumbled behind him, as he made his way to what I assumed was the exit hatch.  Watch yourself, now, said Name over his shoulder, Suus kind of unpredictable.  She may look human, but shes gone through the same shit the other tunnel-crawlers have.

Do you have a plan?

No.  What good is a plan if you have no idea whats in front of you?

Point.

The hatch opened with a hiss of hydraulics, and a ramp extended from the threshold to the muddy floor of the tunnel.  Torches were jammed into the walls, not lighting the place so much as pushing the darkness back.  Strange shadows flickered and jumped against the walls.  The flames made the furry horde, standing stock still, appear to be twitching and shuddering.  Suu stepped forward.  Speaking to Name, she motioned at me.  Is that the dick?

Be fair, said Name, the medbot took his pants, and it is kind of cold down here.

Quick as a snake, her hand shot out and slapped Names face.  Her fingers left welts in his cheek as he rocked back on his heels.  I know how you work, Name.  Keep your mouth shut.  She looked at me, her steely eyes piercing my hazy, drug-and-pain filled ones.  I guess you didnt hear, vacationing up on The Mountain.  Theres a bounty out on you.  Looks like Government, Inc. is finally going to get their paws on you.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on August 01, 2008, 02:59:31 pm
yaaaay MOAR!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on August 01, 2008, 09:28:13 pm
w00t :mittens: and YAY!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Mesozoic Mister Nigel on August 01, 2008, 09:50:47 pm
Good shit. I hope you submit it for publication when it's done, I really do.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Soup on August 05, 2008, 02:23:11 am
I dont think wow, or even McFriggenAwesome sums up how much this shut rocks. WELL DONE
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 06, 2008, 06:46:40 pm
My battered boots squished in the effluence and muck of the tunnel floor as I stared down the barrel of Suus gun.  I could feel the horde of furries closing around us as Name stepped forward.  Hold on, he said, since when did you lot ever associate with Government Inc.?

Since this, snapped Suu, brandishing a battered sheet of paper in her left hand.  Holding it up to the dim torchlight, she read: Let it be known that the Citizen known professionally as LMNO is hereby wanted for questioning by order of City Ordinance 3679046238-2.  Government, Inc. is prepared to offer a bounty of $587,987,384 for his apprehension.  Signed, Seargent Loveshade, D.O.D.B.  She looked up.  Which means we dont need you, pointing the gun at Name, so you can go.  But only after suitable reparations.  Harry!

A bipedal armadillo grabbed Name from behind, lifted him off the ground, and disappeared into the horde. 

Hey!  Hey!  WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?  LET ME GO!  Name shrieked as he was taken away.  THEY JUMPED AT MY SHIP, WHAT WAS I GOING TO D-AAAAUGHMPH-  A large group of furries began to cluster around where Name was dropped to the ground, and they began to flop down in a pile, grunting and thrusting.  Antelopes, ferrets, herons, coyote, rhinos, moles, and other half-beasts tangled together, searching out anything with an orifice.

Suus eyes were on the furpile.  Im pretty sure theyll let him go, eventually.  She swung the gun back towards me, and grinned.  Well, here we are.  Care to follow me?

What other choice do I have?

She pointed at the furpile.  That is your other choice.

In that case, lead on.

She walked down a side passage that branched off of the main tunnel.  I limped after her, leaving the poor Reverend Name trapped beneath a furpile; in turn, I was followed by a muskrat, a wolf, and an ocelot.  There were fewer torches along this passage, which split off several times into identical corridors.  We passed large wooden doors every so often, and even though the light was dim, I could smell the fact that they had been marked.  Suu eventually stopped at a door, and motioned to the ocelot, which grabbed my arms and pulled them behind my back.  I winced at the pain my not-so-healed bones radiated up my arm.  Suu opened the door, and I was pushed through.

Inside was an office of sorts.  At least, it didnt look like a nest, or burrow, or hive.  There were a few ceiling lights, a bookshelf, a table, a few chairs, and what looked to be a liquor cabinet.  Have a seat, said Suu.  You look like you could use a drink.  Scotch, isnt it?

Nodding slightly, I sat down facing Suu as the three furries stood behind me.  The buttons on her jacket gleamed as she poured out two drinks.  She took a chair opposite me, and pushed one of the glasses towards me.  Here.  Its not the best, but at least its 12 years. 

I sniffed at the brown liquid in the glass, then waited until she took a sip before I tasted it.  It may have been mediocre, but right then it was the best drink I ever had.  I fought the urge to drain the glass, leaned back, and said, So, now what?

Well, Im certainly not going to fuck you, if thats what youre getting at.  Look at yourself.  Youre old, youre all busted up, youre wearing a frickin medbot tunic, and youre wanted by the cops.  Thats not exactly hot in my book.

No, your book seems to have pictures of a beaver jerking off a dragon.

Laughing, she tilted her chair back and kicked her feet up on the table.  She had on tall leather military riding boots, scuffed but well cared for.  Wrong, detective boy, she said.  Im part of the Fictional Authority Empire.  You may have heard of us.

FAE?  Nope.

She tilted the bottle, and filled my glass again.  Well, you know the old concept that government is a social fiction?

In theory.

These days, theory is all we got.  That much said, you also know how popular the Video Epics were and are.

They stopped making those a dozen years ago.  The only copies that exist are bootlegs.

So what?  Theyre still popular in society.  And a lot of society finds that the characters onscreen, are more noble, trustworthy, and honest than whats going on in real life.  You see?  The Epics are also a social fiction.

I can see where this is going.

Suu started getting more excited.  Yeah!  So we figured, why not substitute one social fiction for another?  Why cant we decide to follow the Authority that makes sense to us?

So you emulate fictional characters.  I can see why youre down here with the retarded mutants.  Behind me, I heard one of them growl.

Whats wrong with that?  A Fictional Authority has a structure thats ideal, and has been shown to propel people towards noble acts!  If we have to choose our social fictions, why would we choose the dysfunctional one?

I reached for the scotch bottle, and poured another drink.  Easy.  When its fictional, its pre-planned.  Theres no room for surprise, or chaos.

Chaos?  They said you were one of them.

Yup.  Watch.  I was still holding onto the bottle in my right hand.  I threw my left hand in the air, and the glass that was in it flew straight into the muskrats face.  Or mask.  Or something between the two.  Either way, it shrieked and stumbled back as I smashed the scotch bottle on the table at the same time I brought my foot up to the tables edge and pushed.  Suus legs were still propped up, and her chair tipped over as the table flipped onto its side.  Spinning, I gripped the neck of the broken bottle and jammed it just under where the ribs should have been on the ocelot, who crumpled to the ground.  I hope that medbot actually worked, I thought as I kicked out at the wolf that was lunging at me.  A sickening pain shot up my leg as my foot struck it squarely in the groin.  The wolf howled, but its momentum was too great as it struck me and we both fell over the table, and sprawled out over Suu, who was just starting to get back to her feet.

Rolling to one side, I struggled to my feet and made for the door in a sort of staggering leap.  My leg hadnt quite re-broken itself, but it certainly wasnt happy with me.  I yanked open the door.  Over my shoulder I called out, Who the fuck are you calling old, anyway!?

Dammit! I heard from behind me, and then heard the scraping sound of metal against stone, and a universally recognizable click of a safety catch being disengaged.  I dove through the doorway and ran the best I could down the corridor.  I stole a glance behind me, and saw the doorway explode in a mass of wooden splinters and stone shards.  She wasnt fucking around with that gun.  I grabbed a torch off the wall, and limped further down the corridor, trying to remember how to get back to the ship.

Inevitably, I heard a howling behind me.  The hunt was on.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on August 06, 2008, 06:49:54 pm
 :x
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 06, 2008, 06:52:52 pm
Sorry about that, Name.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on August 06, 2008, 06:54:38 pm
It's the puns, right?   :)
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 06, 2008, 06:58:11 pm
Probably.  Y'know, I was trying to put puns in your dialogue, but my mind really doesn't work like that (thank goodness).

However, If you want to look back at your lines and suggest puns to make, I'm happy to rework it.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on August 06, 2008, 07:01:29 pm
Naw.  I've enjoyed it as it is.  And yes, I'll keep reading even though Name is no more.   :D
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 06, 2008, 08:12:05 pm
The tunnels twisted onwards into the darkness.  The torch in my hand didnt have much effect beyond a couple of yards, so its main use was to avoid stepping in the random piles of shit and trash strewn about.

Behind me, I could hear the howls of the hunt.  It was obvious to me I didnt have a clue where I was going, so away seemed to be the best direction.  I ducked down a passage to the left, and then cut right at hallway perpendicular to that.  Strange acoustics and echoes made it difficult to place where the horde was, but I was fairly sure it was behind me.  Unfortunately, they were getting closer.

I ducked around another corner, and risked a look back.  Nothing at first, but then a few points of torch light, which resolved into Suu striding down the hallway, two tunnel-crawlers holding torches on either side.  Some sort of Owl-thing screeched, and Suu raised her rifle and pointed it at what she could see of my head peering around the corner.

I ran hard, as the wall opposite me cracked and crumbled, showering me with grit and rubble.  You cant escape us, cried Suu, we are, as they say, Legion!

There werent any turns down this part of the corridor.  I started to zig zag down the hall, hoping a moving target would be harder to hit.  I heard her laughing as a huge gash ripped itself along the wall to my left.  I saw a door to my right and charged at it.  If I could break it down, I might have another minute or so to my advantage.

It didnt budge.  I bounced off, collapsing to the floor.  And then it exploded.  Pieces of the door flew everywhere, a few splinters happily digging themselves under my skin.  Wrenching my body up to its feet, I stumbled through the wreckage through the doorway as I heard Suu curse, then say, Get after him, fools! 

In all the excitement, I guess I didnt notice the 3-foot drop as I stepped through. 
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Darth Cupcake on August 06, 2008, 09:13:23 pm
Oh good lord...! Poor Name!! :x :x :x

Still... AWESOME.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 06, 2008, 10:10:46 pm
Awesome! One tiny problem tho ...











... WHEN THE FUCK DO I APPEAR  :argh!:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on March 17, 2009, 07:40:47 pm
My shoulder hit the ground, which gave slightly, and let out a faint squelch.  The rest of my body followed, and I found myself face down in dense, wet sand.  I scrambled to my feet, winced at the strain, and found myself in another tunnel.  Dark at both ends, and no way of telling which way let the fuck out, I went left, urging my legs to help me out one more time.  Behind me, I heard the furry horde clambering through the doorway.  Remembering Name's fate, I suddenly found I had the strength to run a little faster.

The light from the doorway didn't reach very far.  Soon, I was running across the heavy sand in darkness.  My eyes strained to catch any glimpse of an escape.  Lucky for me, the furries didn't have very good footing, and I soon had a decent lead on them, so I settled down to a decently-paced jog, doing the best to ignore the pains in my recently-healed limbs. 

After about a minute, I noticed that I could see a little more clearly.  A faint glow from up ahead was gently illuminating the tunnel, and it looked suspiciously like daylight.  I increased my pace, and saw the tunnel's mouth open into the light.  Over the ragged sound of my heavy breathing, I heard waves crashing.  I could hardly believe it, but I had made it to the Ocean.  I knew there was still a horde of mutant fuckbeasts back there, so I didn't stop running.  If I could get to a point where there wasn't just a forward and a backward, I'd have a better chance of evasion.

The opening was just a few dozen yards ahead, so I gather what remaining strength I had and sprinted towards the light.  As soon as I cleared the edge of the tunnel, I banked a hard right.  For a moment I glimpsed the sun beating down on a calm ocean, and a tubby expanse of a beach made mostly of stones and pebbles, with a scum of high-tide seaweed rimming the water's edge.  Then I turned my head and ran straight into an island-like forest, with palm trees, vines, and a lot of green. 

I tried to keep my pace, but after narrowly being decapitated by a few low-hanging vines, I slowed my pace, went into a semi-crouch, and tried to keep my eyes moving, looking for a path, or a clearing, or a good amount of cover.  The forest soon muffled any sound of pursuit, as well as blocked the sunlight coming from the beach.  Good thing, too; I wasn't sure if I could take it full on.  The blanket of smog covering The City is thick enough to block most of the direct sunlight as it is, never mind the twisting building shapes that create a morass of shadows hundreds of feet below on the street.  Without some sort of sunblock, or adequate clothing, the sunburns would come quick.

I noticed a faint patch of worn ground as I passed over it.  Slowing, I backed up and looked again.  Looking left and right, I noticed that low-hanging branches had been moved aside, or subtly trimmed, forming a sort of path that was trying really hard not be noticed.  I walked up to the right, away from the beach, keeping my ears open. 

It wasn't my ears that alerted me though, it was my nose.  I caught a faint whiff of something foul, like feces mixed with sulphur.  Keeping to the edge of the path, I ducked behind a tree when it opened up on a clearing with a large hut in the middle.  It was more than a hut, it was practically a lodge.  Built out of logs, probably 20 feet tall, with a huge chimney in the center that belched horrible-smelling smoke.  I knew I needed fresh clothes, as well as some sort of solar protection if I wanted to last down on the beach, so I crept up to the door, a massive construction of wood and metal.  It moved easily on its hinges, and I slipped inside.

"Welcome to the First School of Voided Bliss!"  The girl who shouted this at me was young, blonde and almost perfectly vacuous.  Her eyes were dark, and her pupils almost perfectly dilated.

"Yeah Hi," I said.  "Um, would you happen to have-"

"We have everything you would need.  Please, come and join us!"  She walked around from behind the large wooden reception desk, and I could see she was wearing a yellow one-piece sleeveless mini-dress that rode high on the thigh.  She grabbed my hand, and led me towards another door. 

"Wait, where are you taking me?"

"I want you to see the church, and how we can all be happy in the Void!"  She pushed open the door, which opened onto a large room.  In ordered rows sat men and women, sitting on small platforms.  The only thing any of them wore was a small towel around their hips, like a loincloth.  Each person's eyes were closed, and they were smiling blissfully. 

At the center of the room was a platform that was higher than the rest.  On it was a man who seemed completely at ease with himself.  He seemed to be always on the verge of giggling, but never quite getting there.  He, like the rest, was only wearing a towel, but his was somewhat darker than the rest.  "Who is that?" I asked.

"That's Pthreent!" she whispered excitedly.  "He's about to enact the Holy Void!"

"Who?"

"Pthreent!  Look, he's entering the holy state now!"

I looked up at him, and saw him smile a wide, blissful smile.  Then, without warning, the air was filled with the sound of massive flatulence.  The wet kind.  I flinched back and looked around, and realized that the sound was coming from him.  "What the hell" 

The look on the girl's face was one of rapture.  "See!  See the transformation of the Sage!  See as he returns to the Natural State!"

"You mean"  I hesitated.  Then I noticed that his towel wasn't naturally dyed that darker color.  That it was all-too-obviously self produced. 

"You mean these people spend all day sitting around and shitting themselves, and he's the leader?"
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on March 18, 2009, 11:03:13 am
I thought this was meant to be fictional. Now IRL peoples will be able to identify me :argh!:
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on March 18, 2009, 07:03:48 pm
I thought this was meant to be fictional. Now IRL peoples will be able to identify me :argh!:

I wouldn't complain if I were you.  Remember the fate that befell my character. 
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: 1paradox on June 17, 2009, 03:31:23 am
Awesome story - want to see the movie!!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: AFK on June 29, 2009, 02:50:03 pm
I don't.   :x
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Roaring Biscuit! on July 03, 2009, 06:10:45 pm
I don't.   :x

 :lulz:

when is more?

btw, the whole erin dying bit almost got me as bad as the end of 1984.. which is sayin... I cried like a little girl...  a very upset little girl.

which basically means this story is a success in my book...  no pun intended..

x
edd
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on July 06, 2009, 05:31:02 pm
It's done in my head.  It just takes a really long time for it to get from there to my fingers.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 01, 2010, 07:22:50 pm
More, pls.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on February 01, 2010, 07:29:32 pm
Dammit.  I need a month's vacation to finish all the things I've started.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: The Good Reverend Roger on February 01, 2010, 07:32:05 pm
Dammit.  I need a month's vacation to finish all the things I've started.

 :lulz:

YUOR PUBLIC!  THEY DEMANDS YUO!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on February 01, 2010, 11:50:36 pm
More, pls.

BUMP OF THE YEAR
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Triple Zero on October 24, 2010, 10:52:47 pm
Also, maybe, LMNO got in the spirit of writing this sort of stuff again after his latest SPIDER adventures? (Here's too hoping ...)
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 03, 2019, 12:52:43 am
14 year anniversary bump.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: gnimbley on August 06, 2020, 08:10:29 pm
Oh, shit. Are you still working on this? Damn. You will have to give me some time to catch up. At least a decade.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: LMNO on August 06, 2020, 08:27:22 pm
Like most of my projects, I started getting bored, and then I squicked myself out writing the scene in the cave when they get captured.

I sort of know how it was going to end, I could just do some bullet points, if people were interested.
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 07, 2020, 04:32:18 pm
Oh, shit. Are you still working on this? Damn. You will have to give me some time to catch up. At least a decade.

GNIMBLEY!
Title: Re: LMNO-PI
Post by: Cain on August 07, 2020, 06:47:23 pm
Damn, there's a blast from the past.