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Apple Talk / Re: Spagbook
« on: June 26, 2022, 10:04:08 pm »
I have gotten both Fat and Hot As Fuck, and I drive all the transbians and lesboys wild now. Also, I have the coolest pendant ever (because I'm a huge edgy nerd and I love Quake 1).

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 22, 2022, 09:13:26 am »
My ramen detonation had mysterious causes, being as it was uncontained and under atmospheric pressure. (My theory is that a piece of metal had gotten into the noodles.)

Yours sounds more spectacular, more damaging, and with a greater amount of preparation required. As befits your stature.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 20, 2022, 07:14:38 am »
If it's like what happened with my ramen, it turned to dust and smoke. There was a hole in the porcelain bowl.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 20, 2022, 06:35:05 am »
Yeah, happened to me back in about November. I got lucky and am unscathed. I treat ramen with due respect these days. Was it the semi-fancy Nongshim stuff that got you, too?

FTR, I'm not riffing or joking, I'm glad you're mostly okay because I have genuinely seen this happen firsthand (at a fair distance).

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 19, 2022, 12:02:57 am »
With all the hateful shit, I'm moving away from Chicago as soon as my therapy and ADHD diagnosis/medication hit a point I feel confident in. It's not that Chicago is bad, it's that Chicago doesn't have enough trans density.

The PNW has some Issues with the White Queers (you know the fucking type) and a saturation of queer abusers, not to mention all the fucking neo-Nazis, but there's enough queer people that I would actually feel safe. If something Bad happened I'd feel like there'd be people around who would step the fuck up. And I wouldn't be minimum 150 miles from everyone I love in the process, or surrounded by young assimilationist queers (Chicago has SO MUCH assimilationist bullshit in its queer community it makes me sick) if I find a cluster of queer people at all.

Aneristic Illusions / Miranda rights? Nah.
« on: June 16, 2022, 02:52:43 pm »

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 05, 2022, 03:20:21 am »
Last update for awhile, probably.

Not many people are so lucky as to have become friends with one of their favorite musicians, have a crush on that friend that was not reciprocated but brought you both closer, and look to each other for support and care on particularly rough days. Hell, you can take the "favorite musician" part out of that and still have a sincerely rare situation. The fact that I loved this person's music before we ever spoke makes it all the more fucking wild.

I don't really fan-girl over artists, I just see them as people. So it took me forever to realize that I am basically living some 15-year-old's fucking dream: you talk to your favorite musician, and it becomes through shared experience and compatible personality one of your dearest friends.

My life is just so fucking weird. I barely scrape by on subsistence by cyberbegging, but I feel genuinely fulfilled emotionally on good days, when the perspective lines up just right to let me see my life from the outside and realize there are maybe a couple hundred thousand people, worldwide, who can say that they have what I have in some areas. I might be constantly dodging the reaper, but I am free like few others.

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: June 02, 2022, 03:45:44 am »
Sounds like step two is jumpsuits and respirators. Full-mask first, then half-mask if your hand is forced. Then jumpsuits and goggles, IF AND ONLY IF they let you have a giant combat robot of doom. You absolutely need jumpsuited, begoggled technicians if there's a fucking Gundam on site, after all.

After that, it's time to ensure management understands the importance of uniforms that grin threateningly no matter what the person wearing it is doing with their face.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 02, 2022, 02:35:48 am »
On a positive note, while I have been unexpectedly single since the 27th or so (person I was dating decided she didn't need another relationship, but we're still friends), I think I already have caught the interest of an older transfem? I wasn't trying for this. And I've gotten a lot of, hm, respectfully-lewd remarks on photos of me, fully clothed (often layered up, even), holding weapons and making ugly or threatening faces. I wasn't trying for that, either.

Yeah, it's... it's something.

Also, and relatedly: for the first time in a long time I'm around people who think to reach out to /me/ every day. People who feel sad when I'm not around, and who make a point of saying so.

It's really weird being actively /wanted/. Not just tolerated, expected, or even appreciated. Personally requested /in particular/. With regularity. DMs saying, "hey, come hang out." Intentionally sought out by people for the happiness I bring to them.

Even my relationships have tended towards passive appreciation of me at best, so this is completely alien. Positive, I think. I fucking hope. But it still feels totally bizarre.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 02, 2022, 01:13:27 am »
Before you read further: I am not asking for shit.

It's just fucking infuriating that I can't even get a red fucking cent for something like "purchasing medication," "buying food that won't kill me," or "having more than two fucking changes of clothes" on Pride Month. Same shit on TDOV, same shit on my birthday, same shit every time I try to crowdfund beyond the ONE SINGULAR PERSON keeping my ass conscious and reasonably safe, because I hate that I'm putting a THOUSAND fucking dollars on THEM EXCLUSIVELY every single goddamn month.

Just. Fuck. It enrages me how "support these trans people!" stops as soon as it comes to me. Yeah, sure, I get it... No reach into networks that actually have money to throw around, only a small network of my own, no name recognition, my best brand is being a fucking menace ... I get how it happened like this, it just makes me so fucking mad -- especially! when I remember that right now, I'm one of the fucking lucky ones. It's such bullshit that I know there are people with even less support than I have and meanwhile millionaire influencer trans women are getting thrown even more fucking money that they'll spend on ad buys and new costumes to wear while they stream politics debates with cryptofascists on Twitch or ratio bigots on Twitter as if these are things that are even capable of being valuable in any way instead of just continuing to platform hateful ideologies in new, less obvious ways.

I just fucking hate it here sometimes.

Or Kill Me / Violence
« on: June 01, 2022, 08:25:16 am »
Some things are things no one deserves to go through.

A relatively new friend of mine opened up tonight about possibly the most horrific case of abuse I have ever heard of happening to someone I personally knew. I've been through some shit. My friends have been through some shit. It does not compare. The derangement of someone who would do what was described to me is beyond belief, and it is only because this man did not technically break any laws that he will not wind up in prison. Which isn't fucking fair when innocent people go to jail for smoking a fucking joint.

What happened is not my story to tell. She entrusted it to me and I will not violate that trust. But the violence she endured, despite not having a fucking mark on her, is inhuman. I am a connoisseur of the terrible, and it shocked me. I grew up reading Les Chants de Maldoror and watching Alien, and I think a book written about this fucking madness, a movie made of someone doing this, would make de Sade or Cronenberg say "whoa, that's too fucking far".

Some people lose their access to membership in humanity and the consideration due a human being, in my mind.

It's a bad thought to have. One of my core foundational beliefs is that people fucking matter. They are important. You keep them in mind when you perform an act. You do something to help as many people as you possibly can. But I can't shake it: some people deserve none of that. Through their actions, their words, their beliefs, they have looked at the concept of the Golden Rule, and they have deemed it "nah, I'm good."

I should be able to muster up some kind of sympathy, but I just mutter imprecations, incantations, and promises of violence. My hatred for their actions overrides their personhood. They become meat to me, and meat is made to be cut, beaten, and burned. And despite feeling the dissonance between these attributes of myself, I feel that this is correct and just. I do not regret these feelings. I don't consider them unhealthy. I treat them as a mark of personal excellence. "No matter how bad I think I am, I know I am better than this. I know this person will always be beneath me."

I am a gleaming, biomechanical skull grinning in the dying light of a black hole's accretion disc.

A second effect of these people's actions and my inherent feeling that people matter is that as I am exposed to terrible people, I remove my self-concept and identity further and further from humanity. I respect its institutions and social technologies less and less. I grow distant. I willingly pass into exile.

A part of my monstrous identity, it is true, is a reaction to being told that I am subhuman by those who would see me killed. "Is that so? As you wish. You will regret this choice." But a part of it is maintaining an ontological distance from people whose actions I find inconceivable. It offends me that I share a category with them at all. And I reframe my identity as a grim reflection of them. They are outwardly human, inwardly rotten -- I am slithering in the marshes with noisome, boneless limbs but I have a human heart to pump the syrupy black ichor in my arteries. A human mind, which for all its faults, loves and cares for and intends to protect people.

And looking over all of this, in a way, their violence to others cuts me too.

There are only endings.

I wish death on terrible people, and I do not feel bad. I harm them as much as I can within the boundaries of the law, and I sleep peacefully. Justice is not real. It's a fantasy. Abusers and manipulators and godless fucking architects of pain dwell at every elevation and find a way to destroy innocent people. No matter their station, the majority of them will never see comeuppance or repayment of any form, let alone enough to balance those fucking scales. Justice is a fucking joke. What I do isn't about justice. It's about violence.

I am a violent person. Not a dangerous person, but a violent one -- the distinction is important. I analyze my enemy and I hit them where they'll feel it. I create suffering. I do it on purpose. I do it exceedingly well. But my harm is self-limiting: the door is always unlocked, if they but try the knob. And my harm is reflexive: I escalate fast, but there is always cause and effect. And I am a violent person because all around me are violent people, doing violence to me and the people I love. The only ways to survive when weapons are trained on you is to be too scary to fuck with or to do unto them first.

What I do is about violence, because it's the only way I can keep my loved ones safe. It's the path of least total harm: to maximize the harm to specific targets in short bursts. Justice is, it is true, fake. But violence, in its infinite forms, is so very real.

This vile, small, unworthy man and his unspeakable actions reminded me tonight just how violent I really am.

Propaganda Depository / Re: ESP in One Month practice
« on: May 31, 2022, 07:56:56 pm »
I'm not attacking you, you just cannot understand the 18th dimensional vibrations of love I'm emanating. Get Mister Ben M*ck in here, he'll use his mystical satellite imaging systems to prove I'm sending tsunamis of positive energy at your third eye.

Also, every word you said is true. Especially the part about Dom Deluise.

I think violence is becoming my standard expectation at this stage.

Propaganda Depository / Re: ESP in One Month practice
« on: May 31, 2022, 06:54:13 pm »
No, no, those are 5th dimensional particles. All you have is neutrinos and photons like a fucking flatlander. You can't learn to use ESP while living on a piece of paper, Dok, you have to make a pact with the strong nuclear force and meet a ghostly guide to help you through the astral plane so you can get REAL matter in your insubstantial boson body first. Get it the fuck together.

Then again, it'll ruin your figure. Just look at me, I'm bear shaped these days.

That is not a typo, I'm eating trout RIGHT NOW.

From what I've been seeing, this is the pointy end of the dagger and there's an entire battleship welded on just past the blade. Lots of groundwork laid for this sort of thing in the past 4 months.

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