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The characteristic feature of the loser is to bemoan, in general terms, mankind's flaws, biases, contradictions and irrationality-without exploiting them for fun and profit

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Messages - Q. G. Pennyworth

#16
My uncle had a similar end, heart attack at a football game, so thoroughly gone the emt two seats down couldn't do a thing. Having seen the alternative enough times now, it's the way to fucking go.

Sorry for your loss, glad to hear it was a kind transition for him.
#17
Quote from: altered on July 22, 2023, 06:33:35 PM
Updates:

Partner is NOT dying, AFAIK. She's having intermittent cognitive issues and aphasia as she goes through recovery (brain tumors suck) but it's been confirmed that to all appearances, she's fine. She thought she was dying because she misunderstood the doctor due to her aphasia.

That was still fucking terrifying, though.



I have started going gluten-free due to unintentionally giving myself a gluten challenge that began with about 1800 calories of sausage gravy and stuffing for breakfast, and ended with a near-emergency hypoglycemic episode two hours later. It's week two of this and there are some serious changes I've noted.

1: I'm eating less. Like, noticeably less. QGP can tell you how I used to eat, but yesterday I had, in order:
--1 quarter of a 10 inch pizza
--1 large bowl of black rice stir fry
--1 small bowl of chocolate ice cream
and after that, went to bed full and happy.

2: More energy. The past two days I have woken up to basically full functionality in under two hours of being awake. Yesterday I had no caffeine, and maintained a high-energy-high-brainfog state into the late night. Today I woke up in less than a half hour, and I'm having an energy drink because I suspect the brainfog has to do with insufficient B-vitamins (remember, I got actual fucking scurvy last year, so nutritional deficiencies are a big CHECK for me). Regardless, I'm HERE. I'm PRESENT. That's new! Especially given I woke up one hour ago.

3: Better sleep, or at least better absorption of sleep meds. Normally I overdose (3x recommended amount, doctor approved for me specifically) on sleeping meds and wake up in 5-6 hours. Last night, I did the same overdose, slept 9 hours, woke up feeling refreshed and healthy. I'm going to lower that to a 2x overdose for the next two weeks, and see if I can stop taking sleep meds altogether over time? But, genuinely, HUGE improvement.

4: Better mood? Not much, but no deep depressive episodes since I've begun this. Well, at least none if we don't count "my partner is going to die far away from me because of her shitty live-in partner", which even if it ended up being okay I sure don't count as a deep depressive episode, depression is kind of reasonable there. Also less easily frustrated, etc. Have I mentioned I don't have a doctor, so I'm not on any psych meds at the moment? Yeah, so this isn't a better absorption thing, this is a legitimate mood shift.

So uh, celiac disease seems reasonable to presume, or at least some level of gluten sensitivity.

Yay for partners not dying! Terrifying as shit but better than the alternatives.

And I'm glad to hear the current diet seems to be helping. TW Joseph had a hard dietary reset that seems to be doing him some good too. Fuck the fad dieters, but at least there's more options for the genuinely gluten sensitive these days.
#18
It's The Year Of Our Lady! I stuck up some posters around town this morning, I didn't remember the date it was just the first time I felt up to it in ages. Hail Eris indeed.
#19
Quote from: altered on July 15, 2023, 09:02:06 AM
The hardest parts, no particular order.

1: I have never had to seriously grieve before. I do not know how to handle it.
2: We share a second partner, who is already in a permanent deep depressive state, and who I'm in poor shape to support, and who has no one the fuck else but me. I don't know if it'll survive this, and I don't know if I can survive a third loss so soon.
3: Oh. Right. I'm still recovering from a recent breakup, so this hit me harder than it probably otherwise would have.
4: I never got to fucking hold her.
5: No one's gonna remember all of her. There will be only one name on that grave, and it'll be the one that was never hers. No one's gonna remember Dara, Fox, Val or Nye. No one's gonna remember Cadera, or Laurel. This isn't just one person, it's a whole group sharing a mind. And no one will remember. My memory isn't worth a fucking thing, I don't even remember MYSELF most days. I can't write her story, I didn't know her long enough. She was isolated and alone most of her life. There's no way to properly reconstruct those lives now. There will be no history to write. Just a dozen people, one body, erased.
6: If anyone but me and her other LDR partners had given a single solitary fuck, this probably could have been avoided. 6 months after the diagnosis that she should have been on chemo, derailed by her trash-fire live-in girlfriend. Finally got on it, the course finished last month, and it was all too fucking late.

Anyway. Done shitting up the thread.

I did this one. Not all the details are the same, and I had better wedges into the places to make my voice heard, I don't want to discount the extra difficulties you're going through, but you're not alone in trying to mourn someone you loved that the world is doomed to remember wrong. It's hurts like hell. Write down everything you can. It doesn't matter if you never show it to anyone, it's important.
#20
Quote from: altered on July 14, 2023, 11:35:05 PM
Partner is dying. Brain cancer caught up, chemo didn't take. I never even got to see her face to face. She didn't get her name change so they'll bury her with that fucking name.

Anything I promised here is on hold.

Fuck cancer
#21
Or Kill Me / Re: Like A Bad Wolf Eating Chips
July 12, 2023, 03:01:21 PM
I don't think this one's done yet but I've been gnawing on it for a while and it might benefit from some air
#22
Or Kill Me / Like A Bad Wolf Eating Chips
July 12, 2023, 03:00:52 PM
I see you
Curled up in blankets for the weight not the warmth
A million projects floating and nothing complete
Grand dreams getting further every day
As you wear the rut that is becoming your life
Headphones on to make bearable the day
All that driving music you listen to, what is it driving you towards?
That epic sense of meaning and accomplishment you chase
To the detriment of your rent and stability
That feeling you cannot shake that you were made for more than this
I see you
Consuming revolutionary media
Eyes wide ears open
Lost in worlds you cannot inhabit
Post apocalypse, post peak, crumbling concrete bombed out aesthetic
Your heart yearning for endings
And the new beginnings that follow
Loss and sorrow so real you can taste it
Sucker roots spreading out from your toes and fingers into the fertile soil of someone else's fantasy
The world is on fire
Now
The villains are already here
And still you sit
Like a bad wolf eating chips
Body paralyzed mind screaming
DO SOMETHING but never a clue what something is
Only the unbearable pressure of intolerable conditions
I see you
I see you
I see you

This is not going to be forever
But you know the longer you wait the worse it will be
Everything you ever procrastinated on the same story
Scream
Even a little
Even if you have to put it in a pillow
Even if you have to couch it as a song
Scream
Before you forget how
Before the pipes rust away forever
You have so much in front of you
And you must to it

You are going to have to vote,
And you are going to have to talk about who you're voting for
You are going to have to show up
To call and complain
And it still might not be enough
You might have to march
You might have to put your body between a motorcycle and a crowd of kids
You might have to drag someone back from the shield wall line
You might have to man the molotov craft table
You might be the one at home cooking post protest pasta
You might be the one with the vehicle on call for extraction
You might end up bringing pizza to the police station for the ones getting bailed out
You might end up washing pepper spray out of someone's eyes
Or blood

I see you
Your fears so founded
Your icebergs looming
Your moments of heartbreaking clarity
Your moments of resentful rest
#23
I came of age during 9/11. Quite literally. I graduated high school in 2001, that Tuesday was the first month of college for me. This is Important Context.

A think tank is a group of Very Smart People who devote themselves to strategizing for political causes. Churning out "what if" scenarios and 20 year plans is their bread and butter. It should come as no surprise then, that there were contingency plans written up long before those buildings fell for how to take control in the aftermath of a national crisis. 9/11 Truthers always bother the shit out of me, because they're too focused on WHO DID 9/11 and not focused enough on WHAT HAPPENED AFTER 9/11. Because what happened after is the shitshow we're currently living. Sure, the 80s did a fucking number on us, and the 90s were not on a fantastic trajectory, but this Endless War shit? The bald faced nazi shit? This was not in the cards until those planes got hit and those contingency plans got pulled out and followed to the letter.

When you let THEM Immanentize the Eschaton, you are letting the forces of Destructive Order call all the fucking shots. If you let them make all the plans, if you let them set the tempo, if you abdicate your role as agent of Creative Chaos, they will continue leading the dance, and you will just be left sitting there trying to figure out what the fuck happened.

You need to DO things. You need to DO THINGS WITHOUT PERMISSION. They don't need to be explicitly political, they don't need to be about borders or property lines or poverty or war. But you can't sit there and do nothing. And it can be hard to figure out which things are worth the time and the energy, it can be hard to figure out when the wagons need to be circled and when you need to be opening lines of communication, of mutual aid. You won't get it perfectly right.

And maybe, maybe, there will be times when it will be on YOU to participate, in whatever way you can, in the sacred right of turning the cycle from Bureaucracy to Aftermath. But if you are letting THEM make all the plans for what happens after, if you are acting WITHOUT ACCOMPLICES and WITHOUT CONTINGENCIES, you might just be doing their work for them.
#24
Quote from: Betta Fish on July 09, 2023, 04:41:40 AM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on July 07, 2023, 01:24:05 PM
Quote from: Betta Fish on July 07, 2023, 07:34:15 AM
I found this via my pineal gland by the guidance of Eris. Hail Eris!

My beef neck recipe will never be released.

Beef neck is easy, just tug canoes with your forehead.

How ... How could you know such secret information?  :eek:

Don't question it, I have tentacles for a face
#25
Quote from: Betta Fish on July 07, 2023, 07:34:15 AM
I found this via my pineal gland by the guidance of Eris. Hail Eris!

My beef neck recipe will never be released.

Beef neck is easy, just tug canoes with your forehead.
#26
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 06, 2023, 11:33:29 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on July 05, 2023, 10:58:19 AM
I got a job offer that is absolutely covered in red flags but has enough potential to be legitimate that I can't ignore it, the pay is ridiculous and it's completely remote, and I won't be talking to cops or fielding phone calls WHILE listening to the radio WHILE monitoring text messages WHILE checking for camera alerts WHILE... which means I will be less goddamn tired all the time and might actually have the energy to exist again. It's scary though. I've never had to give notice before. And not knowing 100% that this isn't a scam and I'm not being spearphished is... well it's sure as fuck not helping.

If you PM me the details, I can work the old google fu on it.

I also have access to D&B now.

I've got people on it. If they don't make them rue the day sufficiently I'll send you what I've got but right now can't have any toe stepping. They picked *THE* wrong bitch to try this on.
#27
Quote from: Scribbly on July 05, 2023, 02:36:52 PM
Lol okay it was about as obstructive as I expected.

I got very excited when I signed up to the new GP and they suggested to me that they would recommend a shared care agreement with Gender GP rather than me asking and getting rejected again.

Got all that set up, got a blood test done, got reassurance that all I needed to do was put the prescription request through the app...

... and that has now been rejected and they've pulled all shared care agreements with Gender GP for all their patients whooooo

Conversation basically went:

"So you asked me to do this and now you've pulled it?"
"Yeah we can't work with them."
"Okay no worries, that's fine, can you tell me who you can work with?"
"No. I'm not allowed to make suggestions about private care."
"Okay so, what're my options?"
"If I were you I'd google something. Just try and find someone reputable."

Note: The process of even getting in the door at a private clinic is likely to run £100 or more. Then more to actually get treatment set up to the point where they could then ask about a shared care agreement. And after going through all that they could then decide that whoever I've picked is not 'reputable' and I'd need to start over.

I think I'm just going to ditch all this extra expense and self medicate. It is significantly cheaper and whilst I'd feel better with regular monitoring at this point I feel like I'm just pissing away money.

May I offer a Molotov in these trying times?
#28
Or Kill Me / Breaking Point
July 06, 2023, 02:30:10 PM
There are few things that loom larger in our cultural consciousness than the idea of a breaking point: that someday it will all just be Too Much and something will SNAP and suddenly it will be RADICALLY DIFFERENT than the day before. There will be riots, there will be fires, there will be government officials dragged out of their offices, there will be something Shiny and New and we will celebrate and topple statues and cheer. America, especially, dreams of breaking points.

When I was a kid the term we used was "going postal," as the most well known office shooting at the time was located in a post office. This was before Columbine, before schools were *the* destination for seemingly spontaneous mass murders. At the security company where I work now, there are calls every few months from companies that have let someone go and want someone to keep an eye out for them coming back armed.

You don't often find people connecting these threads.

Accelerationism is a political philosophy that espouses the idea that things are bad, but not yet bad enough for people to act towards necessary change. The idea that society is hesitating at the cliff's edge and just needs a little push before it tries to flap its little wings. Maybe, if we just make conditions intolerable *enough* it will be enough for change.

There's math people don't know that they're doing in their head all the time. It's economic theory kind of math, but it doesn't have much to do with money. The question being posed is always the same: is Doing Something worse than Doing Nothing?

There are, as you might expect, lots of moving parts here. What is the benefit of doing the thing? Is there a future on the other end that seems possible, and better than current conditions? How much does it cost? In lives, in money, in time and effort? What are the chances we will succeed? What are the costs of failure? And how bad, really, how bad is it now?

Accellerationists try to move the needle by making "how bad is it now" even worse. If you're just doing math, it makes a kind of sense. If you don't like the idea of people dying because of something you did, it's kinda less appealing.

There are trolley car arguments, of course. There are always trolley car arguments. The real villains are the ones who tied all these people up on the tracks in the first place, the ones who deregulated the trolley construction which led to the failing breaks. We've all heard it. I'm not going to try to convince you one way or the other on this.

What I do want you to chew on is the idea of that breaking point. That moment where conditions are so intolerable that literally any action is better than doing nothing and continuing as you are. That's the core conceit, isn't it? If we just get enough people there, revolution will spontaneously arise.

Now, back to the second point. Do you see where we're going here? We have an abundance of people who are already at the point where conditions are so personally intolerable that they are willing to end their lives ending the lives of others for no more reward than simply not dragging themselves through another day like this. Add to that number the "deaths of despair," the people who are numbing themselves by any means necessary to get away from the conditions they cannot tolerate. How big of an army do you really think you need to run the guillotines?

And there's the thing: they're not an army. Even the ones who think that their death is going to be The Spark that convinces everyone to finally get off the couch and start organizing, they're just dead bodies.

We consume a lot of revolutionary media. In that media there are really only two common paths from Intolerable Conditions to Outright Revolution: a charismatic lone individual inspires others to spontaneously rise up with no prior organization or coordination, and a charismatic lone individual is exploited by an existing organization to swell their ranks to a functional number. When that's all people see, it's no wonder that they think of revolution as something they can do on their own, or at least start doing on their own, but the evidence is right in front of our faces: if you act alone, you will not have any meaningful impact. The Machine is designed to absorb aberrant individuals.

Acquiring accomplices is hard. It's probably the hardest part of getting anything done. Building trust is not easy in a society that raised us on Stranger Danger, building community is hard in tract housing and car-centered design, every ounce of effort put into organizing is effort not being spent on the tasks of keeping yourself alive in a world that is ever more expensive just to breathe in.

But if you are pushing people, or yourself, to the breaking point, without laying down the groundwork? That's not the Revolution. That's just getting people miserable and dead. Stop doing The Machine's work for it.
#29
Quote from: Scribbly on July 05, 2023, 11:03:15 AM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on July 05, 2023, 10:58:19 AM
I got a job offer that is absolutely covered in red flags but has enough potential to be legitimate that I can't ignore it, the pay is ridiculous and it's completely remote, and I won't be talking to cops or fielding phone calls WHILE listening to the radio WHILE monitoring text messages WHILE checking for camera alerts WHILE... which means I will be less goddamn tired all the time and might actually have the energy to exist again. It's scary though. I've never had to give notice before. And not knowing 100% that this isn't a scam and I'm not being spearphished is... well it's sure as fuck not helping.

Definitely do as much research as you can (obvs) but I'll keep my fingers crossed. Sometimes good things do happen.

The odds of this being legit are shrinking rapidly. I have already mobilized the resources needed to absolutely end these people if it does turn out to be a wire fraud scam, which will be a nice consolation prize if it goes the way it's looking.
#30
I got a job offer that is absolutely covered in red flags but has enough potential to be legitimate that I can't ignore it, the pay is ridiculous and it's completely remote, and I won't be talking to cops or fielding phone calls WHILE listening to the radio WHILE monitoring text messages WHILE checking for camera alerts WHILE... which means I will be less goddamn tired all the time and might actually have the energy to exist again. It's scary though. I've never had to give notice before. And not knowing 100% that this isn't a scam and I'm not being spearphished is... well it's sure as fuck not helping.