STOP WRITING BOOKS, YOU INSUFFERABLE, TALENTLESS HACK!!
you know come to think of it
he hasnt done a kabbala book has he...
you probably could suggest some ideas
Quote from: Thurnez Isa on May 21, 2007, 11:18:52 PM
you know come to think of it
he hasnt done a kabbala book has he...
you probably could suggest some ideas
hmm...
maybe i should take 'the da vinci code' and apply ridiculous 'bible code' style analysis and propound some hare-brained theory that dan brown was, in fact, an agent of the catholic church and all the 'oh noes!!11' from the vatican was all part of a larger ruse to steer the faithful?
Nope.
Check it:
The Zohar Cypher.
That's right, the commentary on the Torah is actually a coded document which explains that the 12 Jews who control the world's banking system actually exist.
Or, that they found the Spear of Destiny, and are keeping it hidden, because that would prove Christ existed, and would destroy Judaism.
Your pick.
Definitely sell those ones to Dan Brown. The implicit anti-semitism may actually shut him up for a while, as he has to deal with that media shit-storm.
:lulz:
Literary sabotage!
Quote from: LMNO on May 22, 2007, 01:39:06 PM
Nope.
Check it:
The Zohar Cypher.
That's right, the commentary on the Torah is actually a coded document which explains that the 12 Jews who control the world's banking system actually exist.
Or, that they found the Spear of Destiny, and are keeping it hidden, because that would prove Christ existed, and would destroy Judaism.
Your pick.
I FOUND THE SPEAR OF DESTINY WHEN I PLAYED WOLFENSTEIN IN 4TH GRADE! Maybe Dan Brown should play Wolfenstein!
Quote from: LMNO on May 22, 2007, 01:39:06 PM
Nope.
Check it:
The Zohar Cypher.
That's right, the commentary on the Torah is actually a coded document which explains that the 12 Jews who control the world's banking system actually exist.
Or, that they found the Spear of Destiny, and are keeping it hidden, because that would prove Christ existed, and would destroy Judaism.
Your pick.
:lulz: you sick fuck.
actually, i'm thinking a little of each.
I hear Kabbalists hold secret the Ark of Covenant and they have given the clues to its location to Madonna's child. Now its up to a pyschic reporter and French detective to travel to the middle east to uncover their dark secrets.. all the time having to dodge both the hired goons of the British Royal family and the hooded assassins of the dark Kabbalist conspiracy.
Quote from: Thurnez Isa on May 22, 2007, 07:06:58 PM
I hear Kabbalists hold secret the Ark of Covenant and they have given the clues to its location to Madonna's child. Now its up to a pyschic reporter and French detective to travel to the middle east to uncover their dark secrets.. all the time having to dodge both the hired goons of the British Royal family and the hooded assassins of the dark Kabbalist conspiracy.
this is promising.
the ethiopians claim to have the ark. can we include them some way?
did madonna perform for live aid in 1985? because then we'd have:
ethiopa --> famine --> famine relief --> live aid ---> madonna ---> kabbalah --->judaism -----> Ark.
Quote from: Mangrove on May 22, 2007, 07:10:09 PM
did madonna perform for live aid in 1985? because then we'd have:
even if she didn't
this is Dan Brown novel remember
we could just say she did
Quote from: Thurnez Isa on May 22, 2007, 07:11:23 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on May 22, 2007, 07:10:09 PM
did madonna perform for live aid in 1985? because then we'd have:
even if she didn't
this is Dan Brown novel remember
we could just say she did
good point. he started the da vinci code by telling eveyone that the 'priory of sion' was a FACT.
o n e d l f t s g o i n
s y e i z g a e e o b n
e t s y u u r l s i n t
n e t i s t u t w a h n
e e e h l i r u e n d h
e e e y n s w d c o f f
above is a sample from the upcoming book 'the zohar cypher'. i took the opening page of the zohar and counted every 12th letter. (12 because that's the number of men controlling the world bank).
the above grid is 6 X 12. (6 x 12 = 72 = the number of names of god according to the qabbalistic shemhamephorash).
when examined closely, it clearly shows that hacking & the internet is essential to the plot of the story. (see below)
o n e d l f t s g o i n
s y e i z g a e e o b n
e t s y u u r l s i n t
n e t i s t u t w a h n
e e e h l i r u e n d h
e e e y n s w d c o f f
reconstructed: one, go in. seize urls in net. is end of...[off?]
quite obviously, this means that the first of the 12 is an expert with computers. i'm assuming the other 11 men have other skills that are necessary to the maintenance of the conspiracy.
the text looks like an intstruction 'one, go in'. it's hard to tell if it's from another member of the team or whether he is receiving instructions from another (higher?) source. there must be a list of websites (urls) that they need to gain control over. getting control of them brings an 'end' of some kind.
i'm uncertain if the last word is 'of' or 'off'. further analysis is required to suggest a proper context.
more as i have it....
teh mang' - abitrary textual mutilation, so you don't have to.
in fact, to be honest...i feel kinda dirty. reminds me of laz's website....
Does the SSKOON require postmodernist textual analysis and deconstruction of the Da Vinci Code?
Quote from: Cain on May 22, 2007, 09:47:54 PM
Does the SSKOON require postmodernist textual analysis and deconstruction of the Da Vinci Code?
yeah, why not? :lol:
i think between us, we could easily put together a good plot line for DB. the harder part is delivering it to him.
I'll have to get my copy of the Da Vinci Code out when I go home this weekend, then. And some Derrida, LSD and caffeine pills, just to get me in the right frame of mind.
Quote from: Mangrove on May 22, 2007, 09:31:44 PM
o n e d l f t s g o i n
s y e i z g a e e o b n
e t s y u u r l s i n t
n e t i s t u t w a h n
e e e h l i r u e n d h
e e e y n s w d c o f f
above is a sample from the upcoming book 'the zohar cypher'. i took the opening page of the zohar and counted every 12th letter. (12 because that's the number of men controlling the world bank).
the above grid is 6 X 12. (6 x 12 = 72 = the number of names of god according to the qabbalistic shemhamephorash).
when examined closely, it clearly shows that hacking & the internet is essential to the plot of the story. (see below)
o n e d l f t s g o i n
s y e i z g a e e o b n
e t s y u u r l s i n t
n e t i s t u t w a h n
e e e h l i r u e n d h
e e e y n s w d c o f f
reconstructed: one, go in. seize urls in net. is end of...[off?]
end of the world, obviously.
somehow the message got interrupted!
Be sure to structure the character development arc based upon the Tree of Life.
I admit, I've never taken his books seriously.
Good for him. They're entertaining, and you may learn a thing or two, but the fact that they cause so much fucking controversy is beyond me. It's fucking fiction, goddamnit.
He needs a disclaimer in the front of all his work:
"If you're Catholic, Jewish, Freemason, Facist, Neocon, attended Bob Jones University, close-minded, overanalyze, have no imagination, or are otherwise a prude American. Do not read this book."
There you go. Problems solved.
I demand adding "intelligent, knowledgeable about history or enjoy decent writing" to that list, too. Because he pisses those people off too (so I'm told).
I have to admit, his writing was pretty crappy.
i think i'll call the chief protagonist 'bran down'
Will he be a failed airport thriller hack writer?
Ok, someone has to give me $20,000 so I can take a few month soff and write this thing.
Every cliche ever must be used in creating the main characters. Remember that!
Also, speak to your publishers, LMNO.
You do have publishers, right?
If I did, I wouldn't be talking you you knobwads from an insurance company computer, don'cha think?
Quote from: Cain on May 23, 2007, 06:25:36 PM
Will he be a failed airport thriller hack writer?
yes.
i think that he'll be working on a manuscript and at the 11th hour, the publishers drop the book.
they (publishers) fob mr down off with some lame ass excuse. but the real reason is that they've scanned it with some thuper therial thoftware that shows his book contains qabalistically significant evidence of their ties to the world bank and the quorum of 12 who control teh whole world.
oh yeah..and there's some nudity in chapter 4.
Quote from: Mangrove on May 23, 2007, 06:29:53 PM
Quote from: Cain on May 23, 2007, 06:25:36 PM
Will he be a failed airport thriller hack writer?
yes.
i think that he'll be working on a manuscript and at the 11th hour, the publishers drop the book.
they (publishers) fob mr down off with some lame ass excuse. but the real reason is that they've scanned it with some thuper therial thoftware that shows his book contains qabalistically significant evidence of their ties to the world bank and the quorum of 12 who control teh whole world.
oh yeah..and there's some nudity in chapter 4.
Needs a sexy Mossad sidekick. Who will be played in the film by Natalie Portman
Who will be playing her in the book?
Quote from: SillyCybin on May 23, 2007, 06:33:11 PM
Who will be playing her in the book?
a woman who looks an awful lot like natalie portman.
Quote from: Mangrove on May 23, 2007, 06:33:55 PM
Quote from: SillyCybin on May 23, 2007, 06:33:11 PM
Who will be playing her in the book?
a woman who looks an awful lot like natalie portman.
This is the correct book made for film answer.
"Yarona turned to me, her dark hair gently masking the light of the burning synagogue. Her full, wet lips were slightly parted, and for a moment, she looked like Natalie Portman."
Can I have a cameo as some sort of religious zealot assassin that's hot on the protagonist's tail for at least 2 chapters but then meets an untimely end?
Only if you're a half-naked lesbian prone to wearing stiletto thigh-high boots.
Excerpt:
"Bran was struck from behind, suddenly. When he awoke some moments later, standing over him was a woman who reminded him of the actress, Natalie Portman.
'What did you hit me for?' asked Bran, rubbing the back of his very sore head.
'It was for your own good' said Natalie Portman the mysterious woman.
Bran was confused. None of this made any sense.
'I feel so confused. None of this makes any sense!' whined Bran.
'I'll explain it to you later. But first we must go. There isn't much time.'
Quote from: LMNO on May 23, 2007, 06:40:36 PM
Only if you're a half-naked lesbian prone to wearing stiletto thigh-high boots.
Bi-Sexual and we got a deal. Make sure you write in a hot steamy IMPLIED threesome between me and the 2 leads.
Quote from: Mangrove on May 23, 2007, 06:40:57 PM
Excerpt:
"Bran was struck from behind, suddenly. When he awoke some moments later, standing over him was a woman who reminded him of the actress, Natalie Portman.
'What did you hit me for?' asked Bran, rubbing the back of his very sore head.
'It was for your own good' said Natalie Portman the mysterious woman.
Bran was confused. None of this made any sense.
'I feel so confused. None of this makes any sense!' whined Bran.
'I'll explain it to you later. But first we must go. There isn't much time.'
Damn. That was a hellofalot better than mine.
I missed my calling. I shoulda a been a hack writer of pulpy airport novels.
[sigh]
"Mangrove sighed heavily and walked downstairs. All that was left now was a broken dream and a slightly stale bagel"
Quote from: LMNO on May 23, 2007, 06:40:36 PM
Only if you're a half-naked lesbian prone to wearing stiletto thigh-high boots.
So you wasted money on Gigli too?
Quote from: Kaou Suu on May 23, 2007, 06:42:10 PM
Quote from: LMNO on May 23, 2007, 06:40:36 PM
Only if you're a half-naked lesbian prone to wearing stiletto thigh-high boots.
Bi-Sexual and we got a deal. Make sure you write in a hot steamy IMPLIED threesome between me and the 2 leads.
ok...you get to be the sex scene in chapter 4. but by chapter 6 you're going to be offed.
Oh, and I'm not really evil. We need that twist in there. But the readers HAVE to find out before the leads do...Probably after I die. Then it's all, "OH NOES!"
Quote from: Mangrove on May 23, 2007, 06:47:56 PM
ok...you get to be the sex scene in chapter 4. but you're going not gonna get off till chapter 6.
fixed for bisexual frustration
This book has serious potential. Throw in Jack Nicholson and I promise to steal it off the internets.
Quote from: Kaou Suu on May 23, 2007, 06:49:15 PM
Oh, and I'm not really evil. We need that twist in there. But the readers HAVE to find out before the leads do.
yes. we only
think you're evil. turns out you've been trying to help your buddy, natalie portman save bran down from teh evil publishers.
Quote from: Cain on May 23, 2007, 06:46:41 PM
Quote from: LMNO on May 23, 2007, 06:40:36 PM
Only if you're a half-naked lesbian prone to wearing stiletto thigh-high boots.
So you wasted money on Gigli too?
It was free on cable. I got drunk. "Two outta three," and all that.
Excellent.
Quote from: SillyCybin on May 23, 2007, 06:49:57 PM
This book has serious potential. Throw in Jack Nicholson and I promise to steal it off the internets.
nicholson gives good evil. let's make him the head publisher.
Quote from: Mangrove on May 23, 2007, 06:50:08 PM
Quote from: Kaou Suu on May 23, 2007, 06:49:15 PM
Oh, and I'm not really evil. We need that twist in there. But the readers HAVE to find out before the leads do.
yes. we only think you're evil. turns out you've been trying to help your buddy, natalie portman save bran down from teh evil publishers.
But you die anyway.
EVERYONE DIES.
Wait, I got another idea:
A NEW OLD TESTAMENT BOOK HAS BEEN FOUND, ONE THAT DESCRIBES THE TIME PERIOD RIGHT BEFORE YHVH HANDED DOWN THE 10 COMMANDMENTS, WHEN THE JEWS WERE WANDERING IN THE DESERT.
They didn't have the 10 commandments during this time, so murder, theft, perjury, and adultry were allowed.
Could be interesting.
AND BI-SEXUAL ASSASSINS IN THIGH HIGH STILETTOS ARE KOSHER. SRSLY.
Depends how you eat them.
(http://www.billrotelladrumbeatings.com/rimshot.gif)
With no salt or yeast, plz.
How about a vodka-soaked tampon?
so it's less 'absolut' and more 'ass-pollute?'
PUT THAT IN THE BOOK.
Also, I think HIMEOBS needs to be mentioned. At least 5 times.
Can someone photoshop an absolut bottle with a box of tampons, and tagline it, "ABSOLUT HIGH SCHOOL"?
*shudders*
Why can't kids just add vodka to their OJ in the morning like I did?
BECAUSE IT TASTES BETTER IN THE ASS.
Blah. If they can't stomach the taste of hard liquor, maybe they need to grow the fuck up first.
One time in high school a bottle of Hot Damn busted in my bag and I smelled like a giant stick of Big Red.
:lulz:
(http://img63.imageshack.us/img63/1013/lmnoadfs4.th.jpg) (http://img63.imageshack.us/my.php?image=lmnoadfs4.jpg)
*shudder*
I never actually got around to reading The Da Vinci Code the second time. I can only sacrafice so much for textual analysis.
This plan had potential. Given how long ago the thread started, I probably could've written the damn thing. :argh!: