I need to know who am I ASAP. Any tips on that?
Things I've tried:
-observing myself
(stupid and difficult, I'm biased as hell)
-looking in a mirror
(boring, the fucker inside just copies things I do)
-doing drugs
(accelerates the rate of natural transformations so that is even more difficult to keep up)
-changing
(doesn't stick)
-meditating
(the stupid voice keeps interrupting me)
-talking to people
(about myself? That's just egoistic as fuck)
-having sex
(with wrong people, I wonder if there even is right people)
-reading horoscopes
(the goddamn things tricked me into believing some stupid ass shit)
I'm such a stupid motherfucker I cannot even keep this pondering to my stupid self. Instead I vomit it into this stupid website, this whole thing is stupid. NOW I GET IT!
I've always identified with my intelligence, ain't that stupid?
Look at your driver's license. The DMV usually gets that bit right.
Finding yourself is very difficult. A long time ago I just gave up trying to figure it out and decided to do whatever comes naturally. What comes naturally is pretty idiotic so I must be an idiot. The one problem with this conclusion is that multiple very intelligent people beg to differ with that, and I usually don't feel like arguing, especially if they're equipped to whip my butt in a discussion.
I've been told "Yeah, you DO do some of the dumbest things, but you also take the time to carefully and honestly analyze the results of those dumb things."
At the beginning I was some pitiful meat based hybrid of my parents.
Soon after getting out of the vag things started to change for me. People started to bombard me with syllables and visual data about how THEY do things and how THEY see the world. I tried to resist, but eventually all of me was lost in the ocean of terrible, misinformed ideas
I became just a host. A carrier for words and behavioral patterns. Stuff that felt like
me, but in the hindsight never was. The parasites reproduced and mutated inside my skull, birthing unforeseen monsters into this world. The beasts escaped into the wild, leeching off energy from the people they came in contact with.
I should've been more responsible. Keep the doors closed and let the worms eat my insides. It would've made no difference to me, I was infested anyways, but now I became a breeding platform. A pathway forwards for the poisonous ideas living all around us. The little baby I once was just wanted to feel a warm body against them, and maybe sometimes suck a tit, but no, I wanted to talk. Become heard. To be admired. To be "loved". So every time I opened my mouth, more of these words came out, climbed inside peoples ears and triggered a kneejerk reaction where they themselves opened their mouths and this putrid circle of life kept on spinning.
The phlegm inside my head was no longer coming only from my parents and friends. There were books with ideas crawling on every page. There was this unfathomably rotten place like internet. A place ideas built for ideas only, neglecting the tiniest amount of comfort they usually spared for their hosts. All this I swallowed.
Then the space ran out. What was once a fruitful soil for bad thoughts became a warzone. Conflicting ideas who had for years lived happily as neighbors took up arms and began slaughtering each other. Survival of the fittest. Or worst.
At this time I had began my schooling, so there was constant support flowing into my brains for the ideas allied with the global idea elite. That said, the war wasn't that one sided, since UN-ideas had all their rules and regulations that prevented them from using chemical weapons. The rebels on the other hand used them generously, giving no stale shit about the loss of civilian life. Unsurprisingly, the radical methods brought victory, and the new government could start their eugenics project to develop THE ULTIMATE BAD IDEA.
Time passed, and one thought distinguished itself from the rest by being stronger and durable than the others. It was a idea of a person, a girl to be precise. There had been ideas of a girl before, but this one felt special. Her idea had survived through multiple reigns of other boys and girls, slowly gathering power behind the scenes. When it finally crept into the consciousness it made the body shudder and convulse. The girl had the worse idea of them all. That's exactly what the revolutionary government was looking for.
Figured out she doesn't fancy me a long time ago. I'm just such a dumb, twisted and morbid guy, I cannot help ruining her birthday with stupid fucking messages out of nowhere. It's not even about her anymore. It's the idea about her that keeps me banging my head against all the hard surfaces. I cannot beat it. I'm too weak. Too self destructive. This is the love I wanted, the love I deserved, and oh boy do I love blaming my own shortcomings on the imaginary versions of other people I've created myself.
So basically I'm a prick.
:lulz:
I suggest Terrible Masks, Shrapnel, The Barstool Experiment, There Is A Moon, Once Upon a Prickle Prickle, and Derivative Works
try being someone else for a while, and then observe what is different
Life is a verb. Why are you focusing on being a noun?
(Hadn't we discussed this like couple months ago or im just having deja vu?)
"Who you are" comes down to identity, which is a construct or a summation of what you've been told to become by others, which is entirely circumstantial... context, proclivities, needs, limitations all take part of the process.
And everyone can spend ages looking for the core of their "true self", but deep down there's nothingness... so the best we can do is break free from the conditioning that has been imposed upon us and create a personal self. So maybe its better to frame it as "What do i want to be?" instead of "What am i?".
But to be able to say "I want to be this" you have to become conscious of all the multiple and conflicting "voices" within, and learn to distinguish which ones you dont actually like and you follow by inertia, and which ones you actually like and are self-censored and self-repressed.
Latest cases ive dealt with have been codependents that were trained to be rescuers, and that's their identity and "hobby", being preyed upon by psychopatic narcissists or trying to fix broken people all the time, instead of focusing on having a good life.... then theres other cases where they think making money and being helpful is all it takes to be a good catch, completely neglecting their health and appearance, therefore making a perfect match for useless manchild gigolos.
What role have you been trained to play?
I think it's important not to get tied too into the concept of "identity", I came from a small southern town, so being homophobic was ingrained as part of my upbringing. Now, what someone likes, apparently, is not so much a matter of choice, but more predetermined. Sure, you can influence that somewhat, but at the basis you are exactly what you were designed to be, the majority of your early life influences were there before you got there. You can reject the bad upbringing, but the second you start trying to pray the gay away you fucked up.
Thank you for all the input. It will surely have an effect on me, therefore making the task even more difficult. Though, I'm beginning to understand that staying as me would never accomplish anything, since I have the property of not knowing who I am. So I'd need to become someone who does know who they are by becoming either more simple so I'd fit inside my own head, or smarter, making my head bloated and growing in size until I could just walk in through the nose.
On the topic of roles, I once felt like a machine whose purpose was to take in food, liquid and drugs and produce unbearable music, disturbing thoughts and other kinds of poop. Now the society tries to reprogram me to know how to chemistry. I love the idea of knowing how it works, but getting a job from the industry feels like... work. I barely remember to eat daily.
On the topic of disturbing thoughts and mask, an old thought passed me by to say hi.
Let me present to you:
THE EXPERIMENT
What you need:
-a poor unsuspecting test subject
-a bunch of people who know about masks, and know how to produce and use them
-a place to be
-mind altering chemicals (optional)
-a complete lack of ethical consideration
How it works:
-You find a way to lure the poor and unsuspecting test subject into the place to be. (chemicals work excellently, but you can also use other methods like a vague promise of sexual interaction.)
-Observe how they behave, even the little things, expressions, body language and such.
-Let the poor sod go, and use some time to prepare a mask.
-Now you reproduce the conditions from the last time, put change up some people, one of which takes on the role, the sosiological niche the poor unsuspecting test subject fits in
-This forces them to abandon the current mask and pick the next one
-Repeat
This theoretically should end in three possible ways:
1. you drain the victim completely empty, leaving behind a empty husk of a being you can fill with whatever you desire
2. they catch on what is happening and never come back (drugs lower the risk of this happening)
3. the fucker actually grows a personality
This feels like totally offtopic babbling at this point, but has anybody come across anything similar, or am I just being paranoid as usual?
Sorry for nitpicking, but in a general sense you can stay as and keep being what you are... in therapy of any kind, the only real drive for change is suffering, and then there's the people that just want to "know themselves" and tinker with their own self, but even after achieving consciousness they feel no need to really change (and thats fine). Achieving consciousness of your own mental processes depending on your definitions may or may not imply change.
Aaaaand, regarding your "experiment" you're about 90 years behind what MK-Ultra did, american mental health policy, the russians and the chinese have already done.
Also, psychoanalysis has done this for about 120 years too, in both ethical and unethical manners, but that goes unnoticed on the radar for the most part.
Thing is that I need to change, or at least learn to control myself, since I've been noticing this annoying habit of dumping loads of angsty shit on the people I want to be nice to. I'd much rather do that to a proper psychologist who has been trained to deal with that, but they dropped me from the queue for going to school.
...Yes I know a fucking government can do that, I was just a bit disturbed when I found out such a tech was available for common folk.
This thread sounds like evidence at some future trial.
Only if you have balls to frame me.
The way to change that is to catch yourself doing it, and MAKE yourself stop. Make the stopping embarrassing as possible and it will stick better. Otherwise, after you do it consciously enough, it becomes reflex, and eventually becomes unnecessary, because you catch yourself earlier and earlier.
ETA: I speak from experience on this matter. I used to vent at anyone I trusted, pretty much at random, even if they were definitely not in any place to handle it. Ask QGP how long that lasted after negative reinforcement came into play.
Quote from: Frontside Back on October 03, 2019, 01:22:24 PM
Thing is that I need to change, or at least learn to control myself, since I've been noticing this annoying habit of dumping loads of angsty shit on the people I want to be nice to. I'd much rather do that to a proper psychologist who has been trained to deal with that, but they dropped me from the queue for going to school.
...Yes I know a fucking government can do that, I was just a bit disturbed when I found out such a tech was available for common folk.
Ah yes, but I'd say that's half a social skill and half a mental health issue. I can think of two scenarios...
1) We tell our problems to our friends or loved ones because we trust them... the problem is that they're not trained to deal with it, so either they offer a straight up solution (which is not always possible) or they can merely empathize while solving nothing. It's funny that even a friend with proper training can't even help you in those situations because since you don't have a proffessional relationship with them, even if you try, you wont be able to tell them the relevant things, since shame and censorship will interfere in one way or another (i can tell from personal experience).
2) Some people unconsciously tell others their problems for sympathy or attention with no real goal of getting better... these are some of the most horrid and annoying cases, because after a certain ammount of hours of listening and trying to help, you realize theyre, even against their own knowledge and will, just putting on a show and enjoying it. Suicidal, addicted and/or masochistic people tend to do this.
So just try to be conscious as to where the conversation is drifting, if youre giving more than youre taking sort of thing... if your mental state can only "take" from a conversation partner without "giving", then maybe you shouldnt have that conversation in the first place and maybe should rather see a pro.
I just wrote some problems down and burned the paper. They are not gone, but now I'm aware of what Iwant to get rid of.
Theres a lot of methods but:
*Free-association... you start with a word (doesn't matter which), you think about it and write down the first three words that come into mind... then you do the same thing for those three words... so you make a type of tree from which 9 words came, which all are interrelated and try to find meaning between them... results may vary.
*Try to interpret and find meaning in your dreams, symptoms, "mistakes/errors" and your amnesias... these are just raw data, but there's usually meaning and symbolism within them
*Keep a diary... or if youre feeling really edgy you can talk to a plushie or a mirror (please dont do this last one if you have psychotic tendencies tho)
I don't care for this version of you. Make of that what you will.
Quote from: Frontside Back on October 01, 2019, 06:23:22 PM
I need to know who am I ASAP. Any tips on that?
You are the locus traced out by your experiences.
If you want to change who you are, change what you're doing.
Quote from: LMNO on October 02, 2019, 02:49:41 PM
Life is a verb. Why are you focusing on being a noun?
Quite.
All I have to add is that if you really want to change aspects of who you are, pay attention to what you're doing and if you catch yourself doing something you don't want, make yourself stop. Bonus points if the forcible stop is embarrassing or requires a lot of stress and explanation. Those lessons stick better.
It will not be quick, it will not be easy, you will backslide, you may lose friends. If you really want to change those parts of yourself, tough it out.
Source: literally the way I've been changing the bits of myself I don't like for most of my life (in fact, all of my adult life and then some).
Also want to add: offering advice here is not an offer to provide more in the future. I am not a guru, I'm a walking damage case who has managed to patch up the biggest problems with nothing and no one to back me up if I fail.
Don't look at me as a winner, but as a survivor. Don't emulate me. I'm the last ditch fallback after you've fallen through the cracks and there's nothing left. Survival fucking sucks, aim higher.
Quote from: Frontside Back on October 01, 2019, 06:23:22 PM
I need to know who am I ASAP. Any tips on that?
Why ASAP? Is there a deadline?
growing into yourself is a lifelong process
You've described your difficulty in observing, meditating, et cetera. You lose focus too quickly.
Did you notice this sequence - getting distracted, losing focus, getting pulled down a mental tangent until that's what you're focused on? What made it happen? What did it feel like? Does it have a 'taste'? When we're self-observing, it's easy to get distracted.. but can you observe HOW you get distracted? Notice the noticing.
You've described an emptiness, a lack of substance which ideas occupy and colonize. This part is real - the human consciousness is vessel, is a site of contact.
It's more of a process than a substance.I think a good start is to observe that emptiness - feel it in your everyday life. Notice how, in conversation, you're running this program that automatically selects dialog options. Something chooses a behavior off a menu, and it always selects the one which gives you the best reward. Everything happens according to stimulus and response. Is there anything else? Look right at what's happening, for as long as you can.
I don't want to elaborate too much more on that, because from your posts I kinda assume you're not really ready to do the hard work. That's not a dig - for most people, this kind of work never develops beyond a passing experiment. Disciplined self observation is uncomfortable and unpleasant, and we are creatures of fancy.
For now - you're experimenting, trying a lot of things, and that's good, it's part of the process.
Quote
I've always identified with my intelligence, ain't that stupid?
This is another key observation.
You're not observing your self--you're just observing the mind.
I found a decent amount of success by really looking over my attitudes and beliefs, questioning the causes, as well as the results, and dumping things as appropriate after a long, careful balancing act with risk vs. reward. What am I sacrificing by holding onto these dated beliefs that someone else decided for me? Can I afford to ever get angry? Probably not, heart disease runs in the family, also getting angry is bullshit anyway. Do I want to let someone else spoonfeed me destiny? Or do I want to eat like a king?
I found a good deal of time alone, away from almost all influences whatsoever did a lot of good for me, but I also recognize that arranging such a setup is a lot harder than it may first appear, and also some would consider it self-torture. I basically lived like the unabomber for a while, minus the explosives and plus a copious amount of bud.