Topics

Stuff I Can Not Fail At Again This Year in the Same Way as Last Year: I'm taking this near worldwide consensual re-set as an opportunity to self-analyse and see what my scheduled navel-gazing turns up.

It's been expressed that New Year's Resolutions are stupid because they're only made by people who can't resolve to do anything at any other time of year.  I disagree.  I stopped smoking on September 10th 2010 which means I'm legally allowed to have New Year's Resolutions. 

My Resolutions do NOT include the size of my ass needing to expand or shrink, my need to keep a better filing system or any other ritualistic self-betterment-flagellation.  That road leads to nothing except stretch-marked butts and messy desks.  We all know these things.  That said.
[/datclaimer]


Numbing and raw (-30 with the windchill) I wasted entire weeks in 2011 on regret.  Not the productive act, but fantasizing about what Might Have Been had I made my decisions differently, better, smarter, more altruistically and so on.  I admit I've taken sick days and ended up staying in the apartment, thinking this way.  And the evidence of this otherwise waste of a year's worth of rethinking shows one truism: I will continue to fuck up. 

Now, I resolved not to fuck up habitually over a decade ago and I thought I'd kept to it pretty well with the "Insanity is doing the same thing etc." reminder.

Not so, as it turns out.  It seems there's something I haven't tried.

Exhibit A
On the subway with acquaintances in early spring, 2011.  My seatmate is a 250 lb woman who, when she pulls a macdonald's Big Mac hamburger out of her purse, councils me that when one is trying to lose weight, one should eat at least 5 times a day.  Otherwise, the body will enter Starvation Mode. 

Laughing rattled about inside my scull.  But I didn't say anything.  That would be rude.  She obviously has Issues.  That, and she can kill me with her neck fat.  Excuses, excuses.

Exhibit B
Fall 2011 and a skinny white snarkboy in skinny-jeans with his lips permanently pursed informs me that the First Nations' idea of sexual oddballs being "two-spirited" is OPPRESSIVE because it's binary.  And he's going to teach all the Injuns about what the word Queer means, thus continuing the grand tradition of enlightening the savages.  This makes him way left.  All of this, announced in my office doorway in stagevoiced Academese.

And my jaw dropped, eyes bulged and I remember my head rocking side-to-side in a "No" motion.  But I didn't SAY anything.  That would be mean.  And to be honest, I do assume he's exactly the type of guy who'd sue me for character assassination if I call him a poo-head. 

What are all these excuses for, anyway? 

Exhibit C
Summer 2011 and the skeletal zombie with no thighs and eyes like elbows - surviving on Prozac and a handful of raw organic almonds a day - makes a 1/2 hour speech about sustainable agriculture.  She tells us all that she doesn't put "That Junk" in her body.  Junk here, being any food that isn't grown on the roof in one's own feces, apple peels and 50$ bag fertilizer-woodchip accelerant, presumably.

And what did I do?  I rolled my eyes.  I laughed about it later with my lady love.  But when it counted for something?  I didn't SAY anything.


I offer these little lowlights of last year to illustrate plainly what my character, through sheer force of repetitive action, has become.  Sign petitions, march, talk about feelings if it'll help matters, add comments that helpfully continue important discussions, talk to strangers, constructively council students when they ask...  In Short, I've grown accustomed to speaking when it's polite and Good to do so.  This is why I lose.  It's also one of the broken bones of the Left Wing, but that's an already told story.

Somewhere along the way, I got the idea that it is unspeakably rude to point out to stupid people that they're stupid.  Somewhere on this path, I swallowed that it's pure meanness to explain to them exactly why they are wrong.  My navel tells me it's got something to do with being nice to the Fundies, North American anti-intellectualism and walking on my toes so the floor doesn't creak. 

And that's yet another story we all know.  But the short story here is this.  Despite my best intentions, I've learned well how to keep my mouth shut, and have done admirably in terms of scoreboards for over 3 decades. 

My New Year's Resolution is to start 2013 (Quetzalcoatl Willing) without this same obsessive regret.  Even if I press down too hard on the other side of the see-saw and end up whining about how I never should have said those terrible, stupid things in 2012.

[ANNOUNCER-VOICE!]

disclaimer - might belong in rants

[ANNOUNCER-VOICE!]
Are you a 20-something white person from the U.S., Canada, England or Australia with a useless bachelor-of-something-or-other degree?  Mom kicking you out of the basement?  Retail not worthy of your obvious gifts?  Fired from your lawnmowing gig for harassing the nanny?  In short, are YOU considering a profitable ESL career in Korea???



I'll bet you heard you could get round-trip airfare (on schwanky Korean Air), a free apartment for a whole year and 2,000$ per month to be an "English conversation teacher" in Korea.  I KNOW!  Sounds fair, right?!  You should be properly appreciated and deserve to be compensated for your amazing ability to speak your own language and pronounce the letters V, Z and R.  Probably heard about all the awesome girls who are just dying to be Your Korean Wife too, right?
GIFSoup
^PSST!  They all look exactly like this and think you're a really cool guy!^

No training?  No Problem!  Just like Canadian women throughout the 70s and 80s became legal midwives by logging delivery hours catching mexican newborns at the border, even though they were technically COMPLETELY UNQUALIFIED to be anywhere near other people's dilated vaginas in their home country, YOU can clock a year's worth of classtime AND have people bow to you on a regular basis, even though you've never taught anything to anyone in your entire life.

Pretty awesome!

[/ANNOUNCER-VOICE]

Or... at least that's been the deal sold to 'western' guys and girls for the last 20-some-odd years...  UNTIL!  

http://asiancorrespondent.com/71534/seoul-schools-will-not-be-re-hiring-foreign-teachers-in-2012/

In short -- looks like no more public school placements in Seoul.  And if Seoul is trail-blazing here, the rest of the country will probably get on board pretty quickly.  And what this means is... well yes, China's probably getting a massive influx of over-entitled under-qualified white kids demanding to play teacher next year, just like Korea did after Japan's ESL trade calmed down.  But much more than that, it means the avenues for talentless failures young people 'finding themselves' to make a buck off their elite whiteness English are continuing to dry up.  As a former SK English-monkey Alumnus, this gives me a very warm and fuzzy one.

... actual educators everywhere in the world, sweet mother of fucking god, you KNOW I don't mean you, right?  please don't make me e-prime this.

... 4 bottles of maple stout and it's my birthday.  Time to lower to quality and collective intelligence of this forum!

ASK ME ANYTHING.

Oh wait, 3 bottles now. 








btw.  Don't.  Srsly.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j7_lSP8Vc3o

While PDers might not know, my fellow near-OCD lurkers will probably be aware that I've recently moved to new diggs.  After dealing with the fleas and bedbugs of this palace and managing to NOT get fired or thrown out of school in the meantime, I'm left with one thing that will make riding out the lease really fucking difficult.

Tantrums at 3am.  Blasting music at 6am and then all day, intermittent, til 2-3am the next day.  This music is uniformly mediocre rock.  Yelling FUCK like it's a YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH cheer at a football game.  Banging on the wall separating our apartments with the flat of his hand.  This is my new neighbour and everyday is a gift with this tool.  It's only been a month and a half, but I feel like it's been years.  EVERY day.  

Right now, he's playing with the distortion on his guitar and yelling at my cat to shut up when she miaows.

Which is, of course, the last straw.

Before anyone asks, yes.  I've asked him very nicely to keep it down.  This only makes the tantrums louder and more incoherent the next time he gets faced.  Also, no.  There is NO POINT in calling the police.  They will show up in a few hours and only want to talk to me about why I'm bothering this man and wasting their time.  Lastly, nyet.  He's been a resident here for 30 years and is solid with the local community.  

I wouldn't mind even a little bit if his act was interesting.  

I will take advice.  My question is How can I make his year more interesting without drawing his attention to the point where he breaks into my apartment?  I need to do something, or my markets-born Belfastian lady love will take the lead.  And while it'd be neat to see a kneecapping (spellchecker has no problem with the word kneecapping?... holy fuck...) we just don't have that kind of lawyerly protection.*  Anyone have any ideas?  <--- that right there is the silliest question I can possibly ask on this forum.

Legalish.  As we are in appletalk.  

Or, anyone been through this and know what I should do next?

4:16am and he's blasting the morning drive radio talk show.  Off to put in the earplugs and sleep til he wakes us up again.





*  yes.  I'm kidding about the kneecapping.

[Absentmindedly ravenous]

It's most definitely a truth-claim, that much we know, but we're hard-pressed to say what the parameters might be.  And we're not alone. 

That phrase, "I don't know, it's like, ironical, or whatever" has baffled a decade's worth of anthropologists!  The most they've been able to pin down is that it has something to do with Alanis Morrisette and pissed off high school English teachers.  But all this time we've known it means more, contains worlds, indicates fascinatingly imprecise somethings. 

When I look too closely, it's the grey goop anti-GMO(or)nanotech people kept warning us about.  It thinks it's a Mainstream, and has a devoted press continually rebranding it as such, but it's just grey goop, eating away at the communication of people and ideas.  Absentmindedly ravenous and fascinated by itself.  Then I look away, and it's

A plugged-in 40 year old 20-something walking down the centre of the sidewalk, head down, adjusting her/his ipod with one hand, earbud in one, cell in the other, parting the sea of increasingly unreal others.  So... connected to everything except the exact physical location they're inhabiting, save for the odd shoulder check. 

What that connection that connects her to that fashionable connectivity might be made of?  Well, that's not as interesting, not as shiny as our new cultural black hole, the Ever-Tween.

The Ever-Tween is 30 years old, has 20,000 Friends, is 30,000 in debt and describes herself as moderate.  He's signed 100 online petitions for and against various things, but would never go to a protest (except maybe one like those American comedians threw to make fun of protesters.  That one was like, ironical, or something we're not sure of yet).  She's entirely capable of Having An Opinion about that new thing that just happened before she's finished reading the first three words of the news article.  He's planning his retirement around winning the lottery and sneers at the word union.  She's trying not to smile because it causes wrinkles.

All this filler, seeing patterns in that vacancy.  Everyone seems to think it Means Something.  You know, there's a hoard of tenure-humping meme-chasers currently insisting that it might Mean Something wonderful...

When everything I see looks like everything else.  What's that called again?  And why does it feel so fucking sticky?

[in]

On each side street of my city any time of year, you'll find 2 or 3 (at the very least) hand-sized bags filled with palm-sized portions of puppy shit.  These bags, whether squished, busted or still intact, are sometimes found dangling from the branches of trees, but are usually left in the middle of the sidewalk.  Presumably so mom will know where to find them when she comes to clean up our filthy town. 

But I guess expecting dog owners to carry Rover's poop all the way home is pretty unreasonable of me.  And it's not like they're rude jerks who don't even bother to bag it. 

No, they're the yuppie gods of compromise, lovingly wrapping each individual dog turd, but instead of lugging the stinky homemade stressballs all the way home, they leave them for me to find.  I wonder if its strategic and surreptitious, or if they carry the PRIZE INSIDE bags around and sneaky-drop them when they think no one's looking?

Next logical question -- Where does it go, if not on the sidewalk?

Would you believe -- the compost bin?  The city, you see, encourages eco-minded folk to mix those individually black-bagged fido leavings in with the potato peelings!  I shit you not!  The plastic baggies that you'll still see melting into the sidewalks year round are biodegradable you see, and gosh, folks use cow manure for fertilizer all the time.  So it's the exact same thing!  Right?

And here's where my head explodes.  Toronto closes public toilets throughout the 90s and early into the 00s with the excuse that gay people like to fuck which is dirty-wrong and AIDS, while in the meantime and in totally unrelated news, all the park benches get seemingly pointless dividers down the middle so that no one can sleep on them anymore.  Same bat channel, the downtown shelters get closed while new shelters open up on the outskirts (6$ a day just to get there and back downtown where the panhandling's a little better).  So, while the city's fattest legislate away the right of homeless people to stop walking, there's human crap in every semi-private public nook all up and down the city streets because the city has left people with nowhere left to GO. 

But what we can do, because we're people who care, is individually bag each shit from each purse poodle, mix em all in with our leftover food, and then spread that nutrient rich eco-benefit all over our gardens.  Not to mention all of the cat piss, shit, litter, bird cage stuff and so on.  Dagnabbit, now that's work worth doing!

I hear you ask, "What else goes into a healthy Torontonian mulch?"  How about raw fish and chicken, leftover cake, baby diapers, candy and menstrual pads?!  YUM! 

This lovely mix is then sent (after 'chemical digestion' and some kind of pressing process) to Compost Farms, where our old plastic and nastiness goes to make "high quality compost" (that looks suspiciously like landfill). 

But back to the point.  This, to me, epitomizes the Strange Times:  side-stepping around one of those ridiculous carefully enviro-wrapped little black baggies only to step in that long red-brown thick smear of human shit on my way to work.

[leave odes to your rash here]

What I did on my summer vacation, but for viruses you get from other people's fluids.  Feel free to leave odes to your rash here. 

[disclaimer]  This thread is not intended to slight the very real pain people with VDs have, or to make fun of the dead or dying.  It is exactly what it seems – An ode to my MOUF-HERP. [/disclaimer]


It starts as all true stories do: with a Russian exchange student in a back alley in South Korea in 2001.  Wide-eyed, he innocently told me that welter of boils on the side of his mouth was a sunburn.  Instead of saying, That's not what a sunburn looks like!  Or, Oh yeah?  Well, why'd you just burn one side of your lip, HUH?, I instead replied, ohOKMMMFFFFGGGG.  And two weeks later, was gifted with my first case of squirrel lip!

Over a decade later, I've realized not only was The Russian entirely worth it ("You are... too beautiful... My English is not enough...  Is torture to leave you!1!"), but my herp just keeps on giving.

Like right now!  In the past week, I've moved to a new apartment, couldn't use the service elevator (3 flights down, 5 flights up), walked s'more on a foot that's been crackling and nasty for months, one of the cats got fleas, and my Lady Love left for a 3 week vacation back home in Belfast.  Stressed, paid work backing up, eating take-away rather than making depressing dinners for one, picking flea poop off my sheets before I launder them, with tonnes of boxes unpacked so, even to me, it looks like I'm some crazy hoarder chick... 

... THIS is when The Tingle poofs out into a DERP!

This should, by any CIVILIZED STANDARDS, have me shamed and hiding in my apartment, ordering more take-away, crying into my itchy puss.

But there's something... awesome... about strutting through the throngs of businessmen and sports fans down Front St., and enjoying their double-take.  They start out all Fonzie and come up eee.  I make them feel like my cat's fleas make me feel.  And that's a fleeting specialness I have to enjoy while I have it. 

More to the point and more importantly, if not for the visible manifestation of baw-stress on the front of my face, I'd be tempted to pep-talk myself into feeling guilty for feeling crabby right now.  Like this:

Life changes, you roll with the punches, and why are you stressed when you should be elated over more new things in life!?   Hey!  Isn't that a farmer's market down the street?  Whee!!  Why so glum!?

\
\


Whether it sleeps quietly in my spine, or spurtz out through a split lip, scaring riders on public transit, the herp-a-derp shows me that this is not a normal time, and strangely enough, reminds me that my brain/body will have some equilibrium again in a few weeks, as it always does.

rhiz,
- has no shame (and is inspired by dok's invitation to tweet my un-creative trivialities)

http://www.crackshackormansion.com/index.html

This is a game where you check out a picture of a house in Vancouver and guess whether it's a crack house or a million dollar mansion.  I got 6/16 and thought you spags might want to play too.  If there's a youtube links-like thread for this stuff, I'll move it.

Found this game while asking jeeves about an apartment I visited today.  And no, crack whore was not one of my search terms. 

Life-type stuff:  I have 15 days to find a new place and almost everything's looking perfect.  Fun fact - This morning, I saw an ad from someone who lives down the road renting out their bachelor basement apartment for $999 plus utilities.  Over a thousand dollars for the privilege of living in some douche's mouldy carpeted dugout?  "No couples or pets"?  WELCOME TO TORONTO! 

So how'd you score?

(no crack whores were harmed in the making of this thread.  my apologies to anyone who was offended just now by the use of derogatory vernacular to describe Entrepreneurial Crack Choosers.)

[give police the power to intercept private communications without a warrant]

A lot of surveillance-related laws and practices were in place in Canada prior to the U.S. SPAI ON YUO act, and quite a bit was put in place through free trade 'other countries are doing it' arguments, but this is a first.  If all continues as it has been, warantless wiretapping will be mandated, cause the conservatives won our last election. 

Not a sealed deal as of yet - TPTB have been trying to pass this beast at least as far back as 2002 and it's been struck down every time so far - but the outlook isn't good.

More here - http://www.cbc.ca/news/technology/story/2011/06/23/technology-internet-intercept-lawful-petition.html

The new "Stop Spying" petition opposes three bills that were introduced by Stephen Harper's Conservative government in the last session of Parliament, saying they will invade privacy, leave personal information less secure and boost the cost of internet service.

The Conservatives promised as part of their election platform to reintroduce legislation tabled before the May 2 election that would "give law enforcement and national security agencies up-to-date tools to fight crime in today's high-tech telecommunications environment." They committed to passing the legislation within their first 100 sitting days in office.

The bills from the last session included:

    * C-50, Access to Investigative Tools for Serious Crimes Act, which would give police the power to intercept private communications without a warrant under certain circumstances.
    * C-51, Investigative Powers for the 21st Century Act, which would allow police to get a) warrants to obtain information transmitted over the internet and data related to its transmission, including locations of individuals and transactions; b) orders that would compel other parties to preserve electronic evidence.
    * C-52, Investigating and Preventing Criminal Electronic Communications Act, which would require internet service providers to a) have infrastructure that will allow law enforcement agents to intercept internet communications of their customers; b) provide basic information about their subscribers to law enforcement.

Deputized ISPs.  Because what could possibly go wrong?

[Characters]

Open access film script.  It had been sitting untouched on my computer since 2003, and I changed the vandalism bits after nosing around here for a few weeks late 2009.  If you'd like to fuck around with any part of it, I encourage you to do so in whatever way you like, but it needs to get off mah pooter!     

At the moment it's a satire news broadcast (I know, Colbert/Codco did it).  24 characters with lots of opportunity for doubling/quadrupling/etcetera-ing roles.  6 advertisements.  Multi location: mainly interior, 3 outside.  Identifiers easily changeable. 25-30 mins altogether.

I've set it up in what I think are readable chunks for posting.  7 altogether, and they'll follow in a second.

I had no idea which subforum to put this in.  If it should be elsewhere, my apologies.

......................

Characters:
Reemer – news station desk jockey
John – reporter on the street
Cindy-lou – history TV show host
Truman – co-host with Cindy-lou
Chris – early teens.  Ryan Seacrest when he first hit puberty
3 young women – late teens, made-up like they're auditioning for Tyra
Not Main Characters:
Girl-Next-Door
Bambi – reality-TV-show contestant type
Randi – see Bambi, above, but a guy
Sandwich board guy
Nostril
Anguished High School Teacher
Young punk
Note: Incorp is pronounced "In-corp"


News Broadcasting Government Network Corporation Incorporated
Written - 12 Oct. 2003
17 April 2010 - last edit


FADE IN:

STILL.  MAP OF NORTH AMERICA.

-- The Incorp logo is superimposed over a map of North America.  The North American Continent is Blue.

   V/O
(Short music intro.)  Free thought.  Opinion.  Your world.  This... is News Broadcasting Government Network Corporation Incorporated.  And here's your host:  Reemer Dippity.


INT.  Corporate news television station.  Beginning broadcast.

-- Desk jockey Reemer furrows his brow and scans a piece of paper before laying it down on the desk in front of him.  He addresses his audience at home.

   REEMER
At the top of the news tonight:  the decision makers of our Government have told their representatives that Iraq is less of a nuclear threat than North Korea is, which is exactly why we're saying that Iran is more of a threat than England, and that's why the law of preemptive strike... is a good thing.  But first, do North Americans love their televisions too much?

-- Corner picture of a woman wearing a cowboy hat, riding her TV like a horse.  Surveillance tape across.

   REEMER
John, our man on the street here at Incorp is asking... just that question.  John?


EXT.  An upper class area street.  DAY.

-- Unbeknownst to John, a man stands behind him wearing nothing but a sandwich board that says "Eat the rich."

   JOHN
Thanks Reemer.  Recent polls say that most average North Americans sometimes have as many as nine or ten high tech appliances in their homes.  I'm talking to people here in the inner city to find out what the average joe might describe as a high tech appliance.  Great 'stash, Reemer.


INT.  Newsroom.

-- a piece of vandalism has been added to the front of Reemer's desk.  Just a bumper sticker that reads "Britney's Ass".  Note: As the front of the desk fills up over the broadcast, Reemer should never notice.

   REEMER
Thanks, John.  Also tonight... there is a new force in North American world politics and it's the concerned citizens' coalition, What Are You Trying To Hide.  Studies say there are two young and attractive people with their own cool website that have joined the movement and we'll be talking with them... after these messages from our sponsors.

Dear America:

I think you'll agree that Canada has been ridiculously tolerant of your exploits these past few years.  We were irate, but patient, when you aired the initial episode of The Biggest Loser, and even when you let mormons write twinkle-porn about abstinent vampires.  We've clucked indulgently for a very long time, but you have finally GONE TOO FAR!



Look at that fruit!  LOOK AT IT!  Do bananas need plastic wrapping? 

If you're actually taking the time to weigh the pros and cons, let this be your slap up back the head.  The answer is NO.  No they fucking well don't, and you know it, because they're ALREADY INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED in that yellow thing called a PEEL! 

goddamnit.

We will only warn you once.  Either ban abstinence-only "sex education" in your schools, or ban pre-wrapped bananas!  You CANNOT HAVE BOTH!  The wages of your failure to bring either the board of education or Del Monte to heel will be the complete Canadianization of everything you hold dear.* 

You have 2 days to comply.

Sincerely,
Hoser McRhizzy, Greater Barmping Despot
for the Glenuri Liberation Front, Hogtown div.

* Mexico is hereby cordially invited to join us, and Mexicanize the fuck out of the USofA until we meet in the middle, cross-pollinate, and all of North America is finally that great promised land we have dreamed of for so long - Mexicada!

[Despite the absence of any court oversight]

Just remember: They're not making blacklists.  The politically-neutral technical term is BLOCKlist. 

The Combating Online Infringement and Counterfeits Act, recently introduced in the U.S. Senate, would potentially force Internet providers, domain name registrars (companies that register domain names) and domain name registries (organizations that maintain the domain name database) to block access to specified domain names.

This domain name block list – already being dubbed the Great Firewall of America – would be created through a censorship court order obtained by the U.S. Attorney General. The court order could be used to shut down a site located within the U.S. or to order Internet providers to block access to the domain name if the site resides outside the country.

Moreover, the Department of Justice could identify additional domain names that are "dedicated to infringing activities." Despite the absence of any court oversight, this second list would also likely involve blocked domains since Internet providers would be immune from liability provided they curtail access to them.

This notably targets websites located anywhere in the world, since any domain – wherever located – may placed on the list. In fact, since the core of the domain name system resides in the U.S., it is possible that the site could be blocked at a global level if it was removed or rendered inaccessible from the "master" domain name database.

more at this heah link.  Apologies if it's already been posted.

Good morning!  And welcome to this advanced institution!  I'll be your educational administrator this year.   

My name is Mrs. Abutface, and I'm well-known for my accelerated students' ability to achieve their optimum output, as they always acquire more awards than their peers.  Pay attention, because I'll be accompanying you on your adventure to be the best candidate for any job you choose to aim for in life.

This year, we'll be building up your transferable skills!  All you have to do is be brave, develop some time-budgeting abilities, and we'll do the rest as a team!  But before we begin this business, ask yourself, what can I do that will boost my best self-image in the eyes of my future bosses?

Well, as a class, we're going to create something that will showcase your future career personality by consolidating your accomplishments.  This project is the easiest way to communicate your worth as a worker, and you can continue to compile it your whole life!  It's called My First Portfolio.

What do we display in our portfolios?  Everything!  If you babysit and can get a thank-you note, that document goes in your portfolio.  As we've all been drafted to discharge next week's annual grounds clean-up, the photos we take will demonstrate your duty to others, and as a bonus, help you discover and define your unique self.

As you evolve through this project, I'm enlisting you to evaluate yourselves on important things.  For example, how effectively can you establish yourself as an enhanced subject?  To future employers, you are essentially how you exhibit yourself, and only certain kinds of subjects are equipped to get certain kinds of jobs.  Learning to edit your unique expressions and experiences for a competitive economy will be the subject of your education this year.

Today we're going to facilitate your future success with our first hands-on activity, focusing on the fundamentals of organizational skills.  In an effective fashion, please find your way to the Resource Table (yes, the one with the crayons), and familiarize yourself with your construction paper, glue and individual containers of macaroni.  Watch Misha walking.  Is that walking in an effective fashion?  Yes, Misha.  That's better.  Very favourable!

No, no, Ricky.  We don't know yet if you're a Creative Type or not. Put down the glitter glue.

Are you feeling unloved?  Unspecial?  Do you need attention, a couple thousand dollars and a trip to Disney World? 

FAKE CANCER might be just the ticket you've been searching for! 



Toronto Star: Woman Faked Cancer to Raise Money

Ashley Anne Kirilow, a 23-year-old Burlington native, admits she faked cancer, ran a bogus charity and collected thousands of dollars from hundreds of people.

She shaved her head and eyebrows, plucked her eyelashes and starved herself to look like a chemotherapy patient. She told anyone she met she had been disowned by drug-addicted parents, or that they were dead.
...............................

On Sept. 27, [Adam] Catley and a group of friends organized a benefit for Ashley at The Queen's Head, Catley's father's pub in downtown Burlington.

They charged a $20 cover, bands travelled in from out of town at their own expense, Labatt donated the beer, staff donated all of their tips, and the bar itself donated the night's profits.

Proceeds totalled almost $9,000, Catley said, and he gave the cash to Ashley in an envelope the next day.
Photos from the event show Ashley completely hairless, with a scarf around her head. "She's good, I'll tell you that," said Catley. "She had me 100 per cent."

Weeks after the benefit at The Queen's Head, Ashley started a Facebook group to announce a charity she was starting called Change for a Cure.

"Together we can 'Change' the world one penny at a time! ?" reads the tagline. In two days, the group amassed 1,000 members. Within a few months, it had more than 4,000.

Ashley claimed she was raising money to donate to the University of Alberta's research into dichloroacetate, or DCA, a prospective cancer treatment. She said she would walk from Burlington to Edmonton — starting April 29, her 23rd birthday — to deliver the money to the university in person and petition Canadians along the way.

Link to the change for a cure facebook page is in the quote, but here's a new one – the masses are sharpening their pitchforks for this young woman.

[Welcome To Toronto The Good!]

Welcome To Toronto The Good!


Dear foreign diplomat and friend,

You're tired of having to attend summits, conventions and meetings, we know.  All those briefings and speeches just go on and on.  That's why, from the beginning of April until July 4th, we're offering our thousands of preferred G8/20 travelers Diplomatic Immunity during your stay here in Canada!

That's right!  Not only can you party hard without worrying about being arrested or detained for any old reason, we're not even going to check your bags at the airport!

You may have heard that there's a "5-tier system of security" for people who need to travel downtown during your summit, but never you fear!  That's just for the crusty protesters, residents and business owners.  Not for you!

So, snort some blow!  Rent a few hookers!  Kill a man just to watch him die!  We've got you covered.  And please, enjoy your stay.



- the mgt



Hundreds of G20 Delegates Granted Diplomatic Immunity
Security Map

I've been making this for over a decade and it's a good pick-me-up kind of meal (tasty vitamin OD).  Just a normal pot of soup, revamped in the 90s after reading Healing Wise, and it changes every time I make it (which is every month or so).  Haven't included any measurements... just remember it's got to fit in the pot you're using, don't skimp on the leaves or burdock, and don't use salt (you can add it when you're ready to eat if you need to).


Get some:
Onion                  
Olive Oil (for sautéing the onion)
Burdock Root (peel and chop - for unpeeled, see the note below)      
Parsnips and Potatoes
Cold Water   
White Vinegar            
Dandelion Leaf, Collard Greens, Kale and Rapini (I use all 4, but just one is good)
Arugula (just a small bit: you're using it as a herb/seasoning, not as a vegetable)
Vegetable Soup Stock (no salt – homemade or organic if you can swing it)
Chicken (dark and/or white meat, chopped)      
Ginger Root (shave it and slice)
Garlic (smashed and chopped)      
Black and Cayenne Pepper
Celery


- Cut up your veg (burdock, parsnips, potato) into stew-size pieces, throw them in a bowl, cover with cold water and add a tbsp or 2 of white vinegar.
- Tear up or chop your leaves.
- Oil + onion in a pot.  Add your leaves when the onions are pretty (not limp).  Continue to sauté til the leaves are a darker green (just a minute should do it).
- Throw in the veg (water and all).
- Add a few slices of ginger root (I use 4, but that's pretty hot), arugula, your black and cayenne pepper, garlic (I only use 2 cloves, but you might want more) and chicken bits.
- Add as much soup stock as you need to cover the lot.  Chicken stock is fine as a substitute – just makes the soup softer and the veg less veg-like.
- Turn up the heat, bring it to a boil, then reduce the heat and let it simmer.
- Add celery about 15-20 minutes before you're ready to eat.


Note: Leaving the skin on the burdock makes it a stronger soup, which I love, but you should soak it by itself, discard the dirty water, and then soak it again.  Even then, you'll end up with some silt in the bottom of the pot.  Doesn't bother me, but that's where the first half of the name comes from. 

'Hippie,' because you're eating weeds.

[Googled, 2012]

Googled, 2012

Just want to say congratulations on coming through training week with flying colours!  Gerry says you're learning quickly and I've had several comments from your co-workers about how likable you are.  You've passed the drug test, your references were glowing...  Personally, I'm convinced.  Now there's just the tiny formality of your background check before Chris can put you on payroll. 

Everything looks pretty normal here.  We have some chat logs from 2009 that got a bit out of hand, and there's the MySpace account you kept for 3 months in 2005.  The one where you called yourself Red Herring?  Not a bad read, although a little liberal for my tastes.  But I did notice a few things we do need to cover.  No, there's no need to sit down.  This'll just take a second.

It says here you've had over 20 email accounts in the past 10 years.  Many of them, you used once and then never again.  You'll need to account for these addresses, as well as what you were using them for.  Get a standard H27 form from Chris at reception.

Also, in 2011 you were online but undocumented for a few hours.  Probably just a glitch, but it could also indicate that you went outside the national filter, so you'll need to account for that time.  Chris can walk you through the process.  It'll only take a few minutes.

Now, this concerns me a little more.  In 2010, you used a free email account to disparage your boss.  You called him a, let's see here, a "cuntfaced fuckbucket."  A "prep school punk."  And you indicated that he gave promotions based on whether or not you'd fellatiate him.  I hope you understand that the image we project here is one of respect, honesty and interpersonal trust.  If you act on any urge to express yourself like this in the future, you'll be unemployed in seconds.  Are we clear?

One last thing we need to cover.  You posted multiple Craigslist ads in 2007, and I see from your resume that's the same year you moved to the city?  No, no problem there.  We all get lonely.  Unfortunately, one of your ads solicits females to engage in a rather explicit bondage fantasy.  No!  No need to explain!  While the details are disturbing, I've read far worse and it's easily fixed: you just need to discuss it with the office councilor.  So, when you leave here, head on down and make an appointment to talk with Andrea in supplies.

Other than that, you're squeaky.  The job is yours, if you still want it.