These instructions require appropriate physical plant. A kitchen with stove top, oven, water supply, trash bucket, refrigerator, adequate cooking pots, pans, tools, etc, as specified in recipes. If you don't have a specific item, like a spatula that's your problem.
Also: "making it BETTER" is widely discouraged.
Quote from: Richter on September 18, 2013, 06:15:34 PM
These instructions require appropriate physical plant. A kitchen with stove top, oven, water supply, trash bucket, refrigerator, adequate cooking pots, pans, tools, etc, as specified in recipes. If you don't have a specific item, like a spatula that's your problem.
2 fire extinguishers (20#) are now permanently installed in the kitchen.
I IS READDAYYY
I worry about Roger and knives, due to the "missing chunk of ear" episode, but I'm afraid that can't be helped.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 18, 2013, 06:34:07 PM
I worry about Roger and knives, due to the "missing chunk of ear" episode, but I'm afraid that can't be helped.
It's healing nicely. I look like I've been in a fight with a rottweiler, but only a tiny bit of the ear is actually GONE.
Fried eggs:
Equipment needed:
1 stove top pan 6 in. diameter or greater recommended, side walls of no more than 2 inches high. - cooking surface.
(Material may be heavy stainless steel or properly seasoned cast-iron.)
1 spatula - Food manipulation tool
(Stainless steel construction recommended. Plastic is prone to catastrophic failure, wood will degrade and is prone to rancidity from absorbed food.)
1 plate - for finished egg product
Ingredients:
1 teaspoon cooking oil or butter (cooking oil may be olive oil, canola oil, or more exotic varieties.
1 chicken egg (adjust amount of oil/butter for other species only once familiar with chicken egg size.)
Process:
1. Place pan on stove top.
2. Activate heat under pan to medium intensity, place oil/butter into center of pan immediately.
NOTE - Each stove will be slightly different, each pan heats up at different rates. Repeat cooking process to familiarize.
3. Observe oil / butter with face at a safe distance (1foot or more). When butter is melted completely, or oil has spread more freely (no more than 1 minute, depending on thickness of pan and intensity of the stove being used), proceed to step 4.
NOTE - Fire hazard - Do not remove attention from kitchen area with heat under oil. Deactivate heat before leaving kitchen or diverting attention more than briefly.
4. pick up egg, strike on edge of pan to produce ligth cracking in shell surface without entirely compromising structure. Move egg over heated oil/butter. Gently pull at shell to enlarge crack, allow egg to drop from shell onto oil/butter. Discard shell.
NOTE - Biohazard - Raw egg may harbor disease. Discard shell and rinse hands promptly. Do not use un refrigerated or compromized food product. Momentary diversion off attention to attend to this is acceptable, but resume attention on cooking pan immediately.
NOTE - Interruption by ninjas or meth heads may occur. Deactivate heat on stove, and assault interlopers with the heated pan. Discard egg, clean area and items, resume recipe from step 1.
5. observe egg in pan. When adequately cooked then entirely "White" of the egg will turn white. No clear substance form the white will remain. (Around 5 minutes, most, on most medium heat settings.) When clear portion of egg has completely whitened, remove from heat to plate.
NOTE - eggs may be flipped or yolk lacerated with spatula part way through depending on personal taste. This fancy shit is yo problem.
6. Deactivate heat under pan immediately. Season Egg to taste (salt, pepper, hot sauce, etc.)
NOTE - cast iron will require special treatment - this will be addressed seperately
7. Prepared egg will be hot, allow to cool for 1-3 minutes, then eat.
NOTE - fried egg may require fork, spoon, or other tool to eat. Use your best judgement here.
NOTE - Beware of the leopard
Richter not responsible for ANYTHING done with these instructions.
:lulz:
Now THAT'S what I'm talking about!
Fucking brilliant, Richter. :lol:
:lulz:
:lulz:
OMG I LOVE THIS.
Cleaning like a madwoman today, I have some good potato recipes to add later though!
:lulz: :mittens:
This is awesome, Richter. :lulz:
:lulz: I'd say that no one could screw this up, but I know better.
Baked Potatoes
Equipment needed:
Aluminum foil (0.024 mm - 0.016 mm thickness), cut in 12 in x 12 in squares.
1 shallow bowl (plastic, ceramic, or glass are all acceptable)
1 baking sheet (aluminum or stainless steel construction) lined with aluminum foil.
Protective hand coverings rated for use at 400 degrees Fahrenheit or higher
1 brush with plastic bristles (DO NOT use a brush that is also used for cleaning dishes, teeth, or toilets)
1 4 in non-serrated knife ("paring" knife)
1 standard kitchen oven
Ingredients:
Raw Potatoes (may use Russett, Red Bliss, Yukon, or other varieties of potato that average 1 lb weight)
1-2 tablespoons olive oil
Dried, powdered garlic, paprika, and dill (optional)
Table salt (NaCl)
Fine ground black pepper
Process:
1. Open oven door and inspect the interior.
2. Remove any foreign objects, such as raccoons or lasagna pans from last night. If aluminum foil is found lining the bottom of the oven, consult with the kitchen foreman.
3. Adjust shelving to meet the following specifications: top shelf at least 6 inches below heating element, bottom shelf at least 4 inches below top shelf, or at lowest setting.
4. Close oven door
5. Set oven to heat to 350 degrees Fahrenheit
6. Scrub potatoes with approved brush or thumbs under cold water until no dirt remains. While scrubbing, inspect for dimples and black spots.
7. Using paring knife, carefully remove any "eyes" or rotten bits. If more than a small amount is rotten, dispose of potato and begin again from step 6.
8. Store clean potato on baking sheet.
9. Repeat steps 6-8 until desired quantity of potatoes are scrubbed and cleaned of undesirable bits.
10. In shallow bowl, combine oil and spices. Solution should contain significant particulate, and will take on a reddish color if paprika is used.
11. Ensure that aluminum foil squares are prepared: 1 square per potato.
12. Roll potato in oil and spice solution, ensuring an even coating.
13. Place potato at the center of one side of the aluminum foil square. Roll foil around the potato, then fold the open sides up. Foil should completely encapsulate the potato.
NOTE: In the event that the potato is insufficiently encapsulated by a 12 x 12 in square of foil, you may substitute a 18 x 12 rectangle of foil.
14. Repeat steps 12-13 until all potatoes are coated in solution and foil.
15. Put on protective hand coverings.
16. Open the oven door.
17. Place potatoes one at a time on the top shelf of the oven.
18. Place baking sheet on the bottom shelf of the oven.
19. If any potatoes are not directly above the baking sheet, rearrange them.
20. Close oven door.
21. Allow potatoes to cook for 45 - 60 min.
NOTE: During this time other dishes may be prepared. If other dishes require use of the oven omit baking sheet and use second dish to collect any drippings.
22. Open oven door and check potatoes for doneness. If potatoes fail doneness check, close oven door and wait 5-10 minutes, then check again. Repeat as necessary.
Approved methods for checking potato doneness: squeezing potato while wearing protective hand coverings (done potatoes will squish somewhat); stabbing potato with a fork through the foil (done potatoes will puncture with minimal force); examining potato for dents from the shelf.
23. After establishing doneness, turn off oven.
24. Using protective hand coverings, remove potatoes from oven.
25. Close oven door.
26. Still using protective hand coverings, remove potatoes from foil.
27. Let rest 3-5 minutes.
28. Split potato skin and serve.
Quote from: Kai on September 18, 2013, 10:56:23 PM
:lulz: I'd say that no one could screw this up, but I know better.
Oh, ye of little faith.
I shall report my triumph in the morning.
This is going to be fantastic!
Quote from: Richter on September 18, 2013, 06:43:53 PM
Process:
1. Place pan on stove top with base of pan facing downwards towards source of heat
2. Activate heat under pan to medium intensity, place oil/butter into center of pan immediately. NB: This requirement of immediacy is not so strict that it requires a special device for releasing the oil/butter at the exact moment the heat is applied.
NOTE - Each stove will be slightly different, each pan heats up at different rates. Repeat cooking process to familiarize but do not attempt to cook multiple eggs on multiple elements to accelerate learning process until you are a certified Level Three User.
3. Observe oil / butter with face at a safe distance (1foot or more). Keep non-face body parts out of the pan also. When butter is melted completely, or oil has spread more freely (no more than 1 minute, depending on thickness of pan and intensity of the stove being used), proceed to step 4.
NOTE - Fire hazard - Do not remove attention from kitchen area with heat under oil. Deactivate heat before leaving kitchen or diverting attention more than briefly.
4. pick up egg, strike on edge of pan to produce ligth cracking in shell surface without entirely compromising structure. Move egg over heated oil/butter. Gently pull at shell to enlarge crack, allow egg to drop from shell onto oil/butter but not from a great height (less than 15cm/6 inches is optimal). Discard shell.
NOTE - Biohazard - Raw egg may harbor disease. Discard shell and rinse hands promptly. Do not use un refrigerated or compromized food product. Momentary diversion off attention to attend to this is acceptable, but resume attention on cooking pan immediately.
Paes,
Trying to identify all possible sources of danger and failure. A fool's mission.
I don't want to talk about this tonight. :tgrr:
Details tomorrow. FUCK.
Oh, dear.
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 02:45:06 AM
Oh, dear.
It's Goddamn uncanny. It's like a fucking pharaoh's curse.
Fuck this shit, trying again.
Well crap. I am equally affeared and excited.
Other- thanks for the props - Like QG did - POST YOUR OWN!
Quote from: Pæs on September 18, 2013, 11:21:25 PM
Quote from: Richter on September 18, 2013, 06:43:53 PM
Process:
1. Place pan on stove top with base of pan facing downwards towards source of heat
2. Activate heat under pan to medium intensity, place oil/butter into center of pan immediately. NB: This requirement of immediacy is not so strict that it requires a special device for releasing the oil/butter at the exact moment the heat is applied.
NOTE - Each stove will be slightly different, each pan heats up at different rates. Repeat cooking process to familiarize but do not attempt to cook multiple eggs on multiple elements to accelerate learning process until you are a certified Level Three User.
3. Observe oil / butter with face at a safe distance (1foot or more). Keep non-face body parts out of the pan also. When butter is melted completely, or oil has spread more freely (no more than 1 minute, depending on thickness of pan and intensity of the stove being used), proceed to step 4.
NOTE - Fire hazard - Do not remove attention from kitchen area with heat under oil. Deactivate heat before leaving kitchen or diverting attention more than briefly.
4. pick up egg, strike on edge of pan to produce ligth cracking in shell surface without entirely compromising structure. Move egg over heated oil/butter. Gently pull at shell to enlarge crack, allow egg to drop from shell onto oil/butter but not from a great height (less than 15cm/6 inches is optimal). Discard shell.
NOTE - Biohazard - Raw egg may harbor disease. Discard shell and rinse hands promptly. Do not use un refrigerated or compromized food product. Momentary diversion off attention to attend to this is acceptable, but resume attention on cooking pan immediately.
I had not considered these! :lulz:
I wasn't so much about idiot proofing the process, since that only goads life into providing a finer idiot. TGRR is a man of the science, and knows basic lab safety. A framework I had hoped to build on.
Nonetheless, I still wish to see this immediate butter - droppign device you posit myself!
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 02:48:05 AM
Fuck this shit, trying again.
NOOOOOO!!! Give it some time, for the love of god! Some time to heal!
Roasted Chicken Thighs (basic)
Ingredients:
- 4 skin-on, bone-in Chicken Thighs. They should each be as large as a normal man's fist, or approximately the size of the hearts of your enemies.
- Salt
- Pepper
Tools
- Standard oven
- Roasting pan. Do not use a baking sheet. A roasting pan is usually metal, with sides that slope upward, so as to prevent any juices or liquids from spilling off on the bottom of the oven.
- Aluminum foil.
Directions:
Open oven door.
Place the oven rack in the middle position in the oven, as per standard operating instructions.
Close oven door,
Turn oven on, and set the temperature to 400 degrees Fahrenheit.
Listen to "Time Machine" by Robyn, and then listen to "Blood Buzz Ohio" by the National.
Line the bottom of the roasting pan with one layer of aluminum foil.
Place the chicken thighs, skin side up, spaced evenly, on top of the foil which is lining the roasting pan.
Wash your hands.
Sprinkle the salt and pepper so the majority lands on the skin of each chicken thigh. Normally, I'd say "to taste", but in this case I'd say that you should use no more than 1/16 of a teaspoon per seasoning per thigh.
Open oven door.
Place the roasting pan on the oven rack in a manner that the chicken will stay inside the roasting pan and not drop to the bottom of the oven.
Close oven door.
Listen to "212 (featuring Lady Jay)" By Azalia Banks, "Sinful Nature" by Bear In Heaven, "High School Lover" by Cayucas, "Grown Up" by Danny Brown, "Fineshrine" by Purity Ring, "Don't Play With Guns" by The Black Angels, "Born to Die" by Lana Del Rey, and "I Fink U Freeky" by Die Antwoord.
(Alternatively, you could listen to the first nine tracks of The Spider Project.)
Open oven door.
Using protective handgear to prevent burning your skin, remove the roasting pan (and the chicken which at this point should be still in the roasting pan), and place the roasting pan (and the chicken within), to an appropriate heat-resistant resting area.
Using tongs, or a spatula (both of which has only been used for cooking, and both have been cleaned since last use), remove the chicken thighs to a (clean) plate.
Listen to Elton John's live version of "Sixty Years On" from the 17-11-70 album.
The chicken is now ready to serve and eat.
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
BRILLIANT
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
I am taking a small risk that Boston will be outside of the blast radius.
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
We're steering him away from the stove top, and the potential for open flames. Even catastrophic failures in baked dishes rarely catch fire.
Eggs were successful second time around!
:hammer:
Kitchen damage from first attempt also repaired/cleaned.
Details as soon as I'm done with the critical lift that's about to start.
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 04:02:35 PM
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
We're steering him away from the stove top, and the potential for open flames. Even catastrophic failures in baked dishes rarely catch fire.
Also, my recipie contains no knives.
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 19, 2013, 04:05:12 PM
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 04:02:35 PM
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
We're steering him away from the stove top, and the potential for open flames. Even catastrophic failures in baked dishes rarely catch fire.
Also, my recipie contains no knives.
Same. Only so much you can screw up with potato bombs.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 04:02:38 PM
Eggs were successful second time around!
:hammer:
Kitchen damage from first attempt also repaired/cleaned.
Details as soon as I'm done with the critical lift that's about to start.
:banana:
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 04:02:38 PM
Eggs were successful second time around!
:hammer:
Kitchen damage from first attempt also repaired/cleaned.
Details as soon as I'm done with the critical lift that's about to start.
WOOHOO! Way to go! I hope I am still saying this after I hear the details!
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 04:02:35 PM
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
We're steering him away from the stove top, and the potential for open flames. Even catastrophic failures in baked dishes rarely catch fire.
OK, well that is legit.
First attempt: Drop Goddamn egg on the floor, stumble and then slip in it, ass hits the floor...
...Elbow hits the handle of the pan which was parallel to the front of the stove, manage not to put my arm on the burner. Pan flips over onto stack of paper plates (Jenn had laid out for a Marine parent's thingie this weekend), paper plates slide onto burner and ignite, Jenn knocks them into the sink, runs water over them, clogs the drain with burned paper.
Clean up mess, wait an hour, get new frying pan out (first one lost the handle).
Trying again, using Richter's recipe. Tasty egg results.
I feel like the monkey at the beginning of 2001: A Space Oddessy.
ROOOOOAAAAAR!
NOTHING IN THE INSTRUCTIONS SAY TO DROP THE EGG ON THE FLOOR.
/
:crankey:
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 19, 2013, 05:14:42 PM
NOTHING IN THE INSTRUCTIONS SAY TO DROP THE EGG ON THE FLOOR.
/
:crankey:
Yes, I saw that during the after-action review.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 05:07:21 PM
First attempt: Drop Goddamn egg on the floor, stumble and then slip in it, ass hits the floor...
...Elbow hits the handle of the pan which was parallel to the front of the stove, manage not to put my arm on the burner. Pan flips over onto stack of paper plates (Jenn had laid out for a Marine parent's thingie this weekend), paper plates slide onto burner and ignite, Jenn knocks them into the sink, runs water over them, clogs the drain with burned paper.
Clean up mess, wait an hour, get new frying pan out (first one lost the handle).
Trying again, using Richter's recipe. Tasty egg results.
I feel like the monkey at the beginning of 2001: A Space Oddessy.
ROOOOOAAAAAR!
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: OK, good job, edible food was the successful end result, with minimal injury and property damage. I'm calling this one a win!
Quote from: Mean Mister Nigel on September 19, 2013, 05:29:45 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 05:07:21 PM
First attempt: Drop Goddamn egg on the floor, stumble and then slip in it, ass hits the floor...
...Elbow hits the handle of the pan which was parallel to the front of the stove, manage not to put my arm on the burner. Pan flips over onto stack of paper plates (Jenn had laid out for a Marine parent's thingie this weekend), paper plates slide onto burner and ignite, Jenn knocks them into the sink, runs water over them, clogs the drain with burned paper.
Clean up mess, wait an hour, get new frying pan out (first one lost the handle).
Trying again, using Richter's recipe. Tasty egg results.
I feel like the monkey at the beginning of 2001: A Space Oddessy.
ROOOOOAAAAAR!
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: OK, good job, edible food was the successful end result, with minimal injury and property damage. I'm calling this one a win!
Me too. Not ready to try making chicken cordon bleu or anything just yet. I'm going to try some of the other shit in this thread.
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 05:35:27 PM
Quote from: Mean Mister Nigel on September 19, 2013, 05:29:45 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 05:07:21 PM
First attempt: Drop Goddamn egg on the floor, stumble and then slip in it, ass hits the floor...
...Elbow hits the handle of the pan which was parallel to the front of the stove, manage not to put my arm on the burner. Pan flips over onto stack of paper plates (Jenn had laid out for a Marine parent's thingie this weekend), paper plates slide onto burner and ignite, Jenn knocks them into the sink, runs water over them, clogs the drain with burned paper.
Clean up mess, wait an hour, get new frying pan out (first one lost the handle).
Trying again, using Richter's recipe. Tasty egg results.
I feel like the monkey at the beginning of 2001: A Space Oddessy.
ROOOOOAAAAAR!
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: OK, good job, edible food was the successful end result, with minimal injury and property damage. I'm calling this one a win!
Me too. Not ready to try making chicken cordon bleu or anything just yet. I'm going to try some of the other shit in this thread.
:banana:
Are you interested in more recipes? I've got a frittata one half done in my notepad over here.
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 06:43:21 PM
Are you interested in more recipes? I've got a frittata one half done in my notepad over here.
Well, sure, but I'm only going to be doing this a couple of nights a week.
:lulz::
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on September 19, 2013, 05:07:21 PM
First attempt: Drop Goddamn egg on the floor, stumble and then slip in it, ass hits the floor...
...Elbow hits the handle of the pan which was parallel to the front of the stove, manage not to put my arm on the burner. Pan flips over onto stack of paper plates (Jenn had laid out for a Marine parent's thingie this weekend), paper plates slide onto burner and ignite, Jenn knocks them into the sink, runs water over them, clogs the drain with burned paper.
Clean up mess, wait an hour, get new frying pan out (first one lost the handle).
Trying again, using Richter's recipe. Tasty egg results.
I feel like the monkey at the beginning of 2001: A Space Oddessy.
ROOOOOAAAAAR!
VICTORY!
...and FUCK MAN. Murphy pulled out all the stops on you there.
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 04:06:48 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 19, 2013, 04:05:12 PM
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 04:02:35 PM
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
We're steering him away from the stove top, and the potential for open flames. Even catastrophic failures in baked dishes rarely catch fire.
Also, my recipie contains no knives.
Same. Only so much you can screw up with potato bombs.
Y'know, I love baked potatoes, and I'll sometimes make smashed/baked potatoes with oil and spices drizzled on, but some reason it's never occurred to me to combine the too. Hooray! New potato things!
Quote from: trippinprincezz13 on September 20, 2013, 05:12:07 PM
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 04:06:48 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on September 19, 2013, 04:05:12 PM
Quote from: Queen Gogira Pennyworth, BSW on September 19, 2013, 04:02:35 PM
Quote from: What The Fox Say on September 19, 2013, 03:54:12 PM
YOU ARE ENCOURAGING HIM.
We're steering him away from the stove top, and the potential for open flames. Even catastrophic failures in baked dishes rarely catch fire.
Also, my recipie contains no knives.
Same. Only so much you can screw up with potato bombs.
Y'know, I love baked potatoes, and I'll sometimes make smashed/baked potatoes with oil and spices drizzled on, but some reason it's never occurred to me to combine the too. Hooray! New potato things!
Potato bombs are also excellent camping food, just double-wrap and shove them straight into the fire.
Update on Roger's cooking?