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The following lines will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone on this board who is familiar with either me, or my "antics"...  but here it is anyway, naked and ugly:



You know how people say "stupid people never realize they're stupid"?

(People do say that, don't they?  I didn't just make that up, did I?)

Well, I realized today that I am stupid.  Perhaps not stupider than everyone, I like to think I've got one up on George W Bush, perhaps... but then he was the President of a large major country, while I spend my time creating pithy tweets, occasionally creating idiotic humor reviews of bad movies, and arguing with people through a computer monitor then becoming huffy over the results and eating an entire box of Ritz crackers. 

I know things, but don't put them together well; I hear people speak and take a completely different meaning than most other people do; My opinions are either embarrassingly homogenous or flagrantly inappropriate; I quite possibly use semicolons incorrectly.

Ladies and gentleman, my name is Hoopla and I am dumb.

But, is realizing this a step in the right direction?

Any mods on, can you delete this thread? I tried but it wouldn't let me... I seriously doubt anyone cares about Toronto's mayor and this is just taking up server space.

Eris is used as shorthand for crazy in this entry of TV Tropes:

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/PlanetEris

From the intro:

Look up the The Iliad (especially the Judgement of Paris scene) for one of her most famous roles therein, you know the Original Snub and 'For the Fairest' and the Golden Apple Corps.

Yeah, have fun looking for that "Judgement of Paris scene" in the Illiad, boys! 

4661:BYOB63:44
November 21(?) 2012


SSOOKN Interoffice Memo

TO:  MANGROVE
       SSOOKN Chief Clinical Sub-Director of Directions

CC:  LMNO
       SSOOKN System Operating Director

FROM:  HOOPLA
           SSOOKN Institute of Apathy


SUBJECT:  Operations Status Update



I made the date listed above up, I've long since ceased caring how the official Discordian Dating System works, if you think I even bothered to look at the SSOOKN manual, well, your optimism amuses me. 

Did I make it clear on my admission interview that irony annoyed me?  I think I did.  As the head of the Institute of Apathy it was my understanding that my duties would be minimal; this has been far from the case - particularly as of late.  As you are well aware, the Apathy Institute was flooded with a sea of young women this past summer after the news of the scandal between Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattison reached its high-water mark - if I hadn't been tossing each application into a folder I never planned to look at ever again I'm really not certain how I would have kept up with the influx.  It took me weeks to ignore the Clearasil in the carpet enough to be able to get back to my regular shiftlessness and general ennui - unacceptable, as you can well imagine.  Well further imagine this: just as things were returning to their former state of inaction and listlessness, this brou-ha-ha between Disney and George Lucas erupts. Jesus hopped-up Christ on a unicycle.  Fortunately I thought to lock the doors before those hoards came banging on the doors - and now this TWINKIE NONSENSE?  Mangrove, I need more men.  Or women.  Or children.  Or seeing eye ponies, I don't give a shit, but I cannot handle all this apathy on my own - I don't care enough.

PLEASE SEND REINFORCEMENTS BEFORE DECEMBER 21 2012 DOESN'T HAPPEN.  People will snap.  I am not shitting you.

-HOOPLA
SSOOKN Institute of Apathy

Really not sure if Apple Talk is the preferred area for a thread of this sort, but I'm not sure where else to put it, so I'm plopping it down here.

Not hooting for attention, just a bit concerned and want to feel out opinions from people who I like and trust and yet are slightly anonymous to me... questions like this to people too close can have... consequences I would rather not deal with if this is nothing.

I've had a few episodes lately, which I described to my wife as panic attacks, but I'm not entirely sure if that's what they are.  I've had three in the last month and  a half or so... a feeling of intense disconnect from the rest of the world, and also a feeling of assurances that everyone else is feeling the disconnect.  Nobody really knows anyone else and everything is hollow artifice... accompanying this feeling of disconnect is an intensely visceral feeling of falling apart.  Or maybe just falling.  I often have to grip something tightly and twist or shred it while these (admittedly brief, thank christ, usually no longer than 5-ish minutes) episodes occur, so I don't feel like I am falling, falling apart, or maybe dying.  There is also a feeling of nausea which accompanies, but its in the background of everything else.

OK, so those things... that's been about a month and a half...

But I've been recently realizing that I have enormous difficulty enjoying ANYthing in the moment.  I can enjoy the memory afterwards, but while things are occurring I am just waiting for it to be over, even if its something that should be fun for me.  THIS has been going on for years, I think... at least as far back as 2007.

So, I'm looking for opinions here, are these things everyone goes through but nobody talks about it?  Or are these signs of mental illness?

Any thoughts are very much appreciated.

Also, hi... I was away for a few weeks.

I'm sure most of you have heard that some scientists are attempting to create meat which has never been sawed off a living animal.  I'm also sure most of you are aware that Tumblr and other pockets of the internet are the resting spot of rabid vegetarians and vegans... so, this news finally hit them.  I don't have screen caps at the moment, but the general sentiment among them all seems to be that this is the worst bit of science since the atom bomb, it's Frankenscience (which, admittedly, it is), it's unethical, it's evil, blah blah blah...

Whiskey.  Tango.  Foxtrot.

Scientifically created meat should be the answer to all their issues, except perhaps the issue of the healthiness of consuming red meat - which I am dubious about, but that's a separate issue - or is it?  ANYway... am I getting raged over nothing?  Are they right?  Is this stupid? HUH??

So, as some may know I've taken to making fun of shitty movies online in my spare time...

A friend was asking yesterday which movies I had planned to "review" next, I named about three I was juggling around and one of them happened to be 'Coffy' starring Pam Grier from 1973, which I happen to love.  He googled it, since he hadn't seen it (I know, I know), then answered back with:

"Blaxploitation may be a tricksy subject though." 

I was a little surprised.

I mean, on one hand I know a lot about the genre... how it started, what the views of the genre were both contemporarily and modern alike, and certainly wasn't about to let the genre off the hook - I mean, flat out, after the initial film in what would be the genre ("Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song", which was written directed and starred Melvin Van Peebles) was released and confirmed that black audiences were interested in watching movies about empowered militant black protagonists, and would pay good money to do so, White Hollywood jumped on the genre before it could even begin, taking over the writing and producing in almost all cases, and filling theses shitty films with incendiary titles like "Blacula", "Blackenstein", "Dr Black and Mr White" and shit like "Boss Nigger". 

But, on the other hand... I am clearly a honkie-ass motherfucker who wasn't even born in 1973.  I mean, other than Ann Coulter, nobody is whiter than me.  I don't tan, I combust.

So..... the question I lay in the laps of the collective PD.com audience is... have I any right to review this movie and make fun of it?  And if I do, do I admit I love it?


Yours,

HOOPLA

I used to make videos, as some around here might remember, but I found I quickly ran out of things to say.  I'm not the type to have an endless amount of topics to rant about, like Roger; I'm also not the type to repeat the same shit over and over using different buzzwords, like Hugh.  Am I dating myself here?

Anyway, one thing I've always had a lot to say about, since a early age, was movies.... so recently I had been chewing on the idea of doing something NOBODY else on the interwebs had done... review bad movies online.

Here was my first go:

http://blip.tv/rexbologna/rex-bologna-reviews-gangs-of-the-dead-6239277

If you enjoy, possibly consider sending the link to anyone else you think may like this sort of thing... if you don't enjoy let me know here.  Or there.  If you are indifferent, try to get out more, breath air and talk to people... the malaise will pass.  Unless you are clinically depressed, in which case this just got uncomfortable rather swiftly.  I'll tip-toe out now.

DAY 212


In the beginning, people almost always said "I couldn't do that, I would never get anything accomplished", meaning that they could not work from home.  This, of course, tells you everything you need to know about that person.  Well, perhaps not everything.  It doesn't tell you what color their pubic hair is: their eyebrows do that.  Where was I?  Right, people seem to believe if given the chance to slack off indefinitely, they will.  Makes sense, though... nature is inherently lazy.  You don't see rivers running uphill or bubbles shaped like cubes, do you?  Laziness is the Wu Wei.

I got the work done just fine, thank you very much; still do, mostly.  It's just porn, so there isn't much to it.  It's sort of embarrassing to call it "work", actually, though I suppose I do have to sit in a chair and move muscles now and then, that's close to the definition of work isn't it?

The work isn't the problem.  This house is.  You never notice the presence until you spend most of your waking hours here.  Sleeping hours too.  The house knows things about me.  It knows the color of my pubic hair, when I had pubic hair.  Long story.  It knows other things though too... it knows all the filthy things I do when I'm not working, which is becoming more and more often.  Or is it?  The work seems to get done... and yet I find myself spending more and more time googling the word "google".  I don't think that word means anything.  Why is that frightening?

When you work from home, nobody can hear you scream.  Except the mail lady... if you time it properly. 

http://tinyurl.com/85n2onr

Did this already get posted?  I didn't see anything about it, but if I am re-posting, my apologies, and mods can delete if necessary.  But fuck this is funny:

http://blog.atlasshruggedmovie.com/2011/11/atlas-shrugged-inadvertently-releases.html

...and I know some of you are...

Tubgirl is back and ready for more. 

PM me for linky, if... you... DARE!

Is there such a food in the USA as "Sesame Snaps"? 

Not sure if it would go under that name, basically sesame seeds hardened into cracker-like form.  Sometimes with honey.

I was playing around with an online Flash animator, hoping to make some Enrico cartoons... this was a a test run with a different character:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KMas2jMFRqk










(edited to change title of the thread)

...he seemed to make a lot of sense in this video.  http://www.antiwar.com/blog/2011/03/01/ron-paul-vs-hillary-clinton-on-supporting-dictators/ (apologies if this has already been posted)

Any thoughts?

Yesterday, I overheard a conversation between two homeless men who were waiting in a line for lunch at a nearby shelter. I was waiting for a bus on a bench close to where the two were standing, and happened to overhear one of them mention a 'golden apple'. This, of course, piqued my interest, so I began to listen to the two.

It turns out that the 'golden apple' the one man was referring to was what is commonly referred to as an 'Orange', but he is correct that at one time the fruit was called a golden apple - the conversation centered around the man holding the orange trying to convince the other man that the fruit he was holding was in fact blue, not orange.

"It's like this," said the man. "color works in opposites. When you look at an Orange the light bounces off the Orange, and back to your eye. But, the thing is, the thing is this: the Orange absorbs all the colors of the white light, and only bounces back the color orange to your eye. So, really, the Orange is any color BUT orange."

"I don't get it." said the other man. "Why does it look orange to us, then?"

"Because that's the only color bouncing back to your eye. It looks orange because orange is bouncing back. The eye works on opposites. We actually see things upside down, but our eyes correct the image so that we see it normally. And, we usually see in negative, but the eye corrects for that too."

"That's fucked." the other man answered aptly.

It was at this point that I turned to the two men. "I'll tell you what's more fucked. Color doesn't exist at all."

They both just stared at me. I continued: "Think about this: Everything is made from molecules, right? Well, what color are molecules?"

The one man shrugged, and the other said: "I don't know."

I winked. "Exactly. That's because molecules don't have any color. And, if everything is made from molecules, and molecules have no color, than de facto NOTHING has color."

Before either man could respond I disappeared in a puff of smoke.

YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN THAT!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyHzhtARf8M&feature=player_embedded

Life likes me... it's obvious, how could it not when it gives me SO much to laugh about?

I am looking for some help here, and I'm not totally sure how to go about it... I am hoping someone here will know what I am talking about and can point me in the right direction.


I believe there was a study done sometime in the last ten years (may have been longer) where it was determined that humans respond positively toward things which have indications of a human face, things as basic as "smiley faces" or coloured lights forming smiles, etc.  However, the flip side of this study was that there was a line... crossing this line and making things look "too human" tended to creep people out.  Think marionettes, robotic presidents at Disney World, etc...

Here's the thing, I was positive that I had read about this study in a column by Roger Ebert of all people, I could have sworn he sited this study in his review for the Wayan's Brothers movie 'White Chicks', but having just re-read that review I can find absolutely no reference to it, as if I dreamed it.  I really hope this is not the case. 

Does this study sound familiar to anyone here?

This is a thread for people who change their name, and care that others know who they are.

If you are one of those people who changes their name and DOESN'T want anyone to know who they are, this thread is not for you.  Also, fuck off.



I haven't changed my name lately, but am hoping some people might use this thread, so I know who they are.

I am listening to a radio interview right now with Australian writer Will Elliot, who was once diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenic and wrote a book about that, but in the radio interview he says he has since realized that he was NOT schizophrenic, and his former "hallucinations" were genuine.  He believes that he is a higher evolved human with extra strands of DNA which allows him to see through the veil of the illusions of shape shifting reptilians who rule the world.

I mean, ok, for all I know I might be a deluded fool who is manipulated by shape shifting reptilians, but I have no proof of it so I'm not even going to entertain the notion in the meantime, so let's assume these shape shifting reptilians don't exist, for the sake of conversation...

His whole theory is based on the idea that he is special from other people because he can see through the bullshit, and I've seen this behavior presented by other conspiracy people and all I can come up with is that the conspiracy is a necessary bi-product of these massive delusions of grandeur.

Am I mistaken?

Every good bar needs a piano...

http://www.miamiherald.com/2011/01/24/2032269/yes-that-is-a-piano.html

A grand piano recently appeared on a sandbar in Biscayne Bay, about 200 yards from the Quayside condominiums off Northeast 107th Street. Whoever put it there placed it at the highest point of the sandbar so that it's not underwater during high tide.

How and why the piano got there is a mystery. A grand piano weighs at least 650 pounds and is unwieldly to move, said Bob Shapiro, a salesman at Piano Music Center in Pembroke Park. ``You don't take it out there in a rowboat,'' Shapiro said.

This much is clear, however: The piano isn't going anywhere anytime soon. Unless it becomes a danger to wildlife or boaters, authorities have no plans to haul it away.

``We are not responsible for removing such items,'' said Jorge Pino, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. ``Even a car can become a habitat for wildlife. Unless the item becomes a navigational hazard, the Coast Guard would not get involved.''

The marine patrols of both the North Miami Police Department and Miami-Dade Fire Rescue said the same thing.
From Quayside, the shape of the piano is visible to the naked eye, but with a pair of binoculars or a telephoto lense, seagulls can be seen landing on the instrument and water lapping at its legs.

Throwing away a grand piano may seem like a waste of money, but it may not be. In decent condition, a used grand piano would cost at least $3,000 to $4,000. But many pianos wear out from the literally tons of pressure on the internal parts. Cheaper models aren't worth the cost of rebuilding.

``It could be worth nothing,'' Shapiro said. ``Pianos don't grow old gracefully. They just wear out.''

"We are all of us in the gutter, but some of us are looking up skirts." - Enrico Salazar

Dear Roger,

Well, it has happened.  Canada's superiority bubble has finally burst, but why did I get splattered with blood and puss and smegma when it blew?  I expected the hellacious 'spoldey, but not the overwhelming gore.  All of the self pedestal sitting, and all of the alleged higher ground, have been crushed down under the boot of the Special Police.  Canada, the Shining White Knight of the World, has gleefully admitted to making up laws wholesale to keep it's people in line, it has unabashedly admitted that the Special Police were cracking jaws and smashing skulls for kicks while the leaders of the world shoved Tim Hortons bear claws down their tight throats, a few hundred feet away.  They have begun arresting people for practicing witchcraft, and electing people with the mindset of Sarah Palin and the body image of Beth Ditto.  The Special Police corner peaceful protestors in torrential rainstorms and keep them there, for kicks. 

But you know what?  They deserve it.  We deserve it.  This "country" has been sitting in it's self created Ivory Tower for too long.  They don't advertise it, but this country also interred Japanese during WWII, we participated in CIA's MK Ultra progrmas, and we have tons of US bombs sitting on our land, of our own free choice!  Canada, O Canada, our home and native land, the only place in the world which is smug about how humble they are.  Fuck this place, fuck it in the neck, and thank the heavens that it finally knows that it is not above every other fucking country on the face of Planet Mudball.  It may be walking and wearing pants, but it's still a fucking Pig.

Or fucking kill me.

Hoopla

Sorry guys, I'm a little under the weather today and it would seem that it has made me just a tad cranky.  I am taking it out on you, when I should be taking it out on those who deserve it: The Kardashians.

Please find it in your heart to forgive me, I love you all... even Niamh.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Commercial_Advertisement_Loudness_Mitigation_Act

The Obama administration thinks it's very important that television commercials are too loud.  This certainly seems like a prudent usage of tax payer's dollars. [/sarcasm]

I can't find a thread on it... I assume you have all heard about this already.  Thoughts?

Is it incitement?

I have been dreading this for months now, checking his Wikipedia entry about once a week, unsure if I would hear about it in the mainstream media if it happened, and it finally did.  Don Van Vliet, AKA Captain Beefheart died today.  I know at least LMNO is a fan, my love for Beefheart was what initially caused L to go light on my obnoxious ass, or so I have always believed, I may be wrong about that.  But, I'm assuming and hoping there are one or two more out there.

Beefheart is one of the few "weirdo" musicians who I never felt was putting anything on, the man was just fucking out there, naturally.  He hasn't made music for close to 30 years, but I always held out hope he might play one more gig.  Sadly, that is now an impossibility.

The world lost a true genius today, and I am really fucking upset about it.



The Magic Band plays on the beach of Cannes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hCSPf5Viwd0

And a 1970s commercial for Lick My Decals Off, Baby: http://www.zappinternet.com/video/sigYcuHsaJ/Captain-Beefheart-Lick-my-decals-off-baby-advertisement

Marley was dead:  it was an objective fact.  Any other discussion on the subject would be superfluous.  Marley was dead as a door-nail.

Scrooge knew he was dead, how could he not?  Scrooge and he were partners, inasmuch as either could ever be said to be partners in anything.  Neither accepted compromise, nor should they, it is a man's objective right to rationally self interested  accumulated gain, further, it is not only man's right, but his highest moral virtue.  In keeping with this objective philosophy Scrooge was open for business on the day of Marley's death, seven years ago.  Marley would not only have understood, but would have considered anything else evil and immoral.  The business being open, however, astonished those who were aware of the situation.  They clucked with distaste through their misshapen lips, permanently formed into puckers and sneers of distaste.

Which prompts me to repeat: Marley was dead.  Belief in anything otherwise would be utter faith-based mysticism.

Scrooge never painted out Marley's name, not out of nostalgia or sympathy, but out of a righteous sense of frugal proprietary indignation.   Sometimes people new to the business called Scrooge Scrooge, and sometimes they called him Marley.  He didn't care, so long as they had business to transact.

Oh!  But he was a man of the highest moral virtue, old Scrooge!  Never accepting the will of anyone else or asking for anyone else's sanction; he rejected the looters and scoundrels who attempted to pick his pocket.  He was as solitary as an oyster, and would have it no other way.  He lived as an individual, by nobody else's code, for the sake of his own happiness, asking nothing of anybody and accepting none of the demands of others.  The cold within him froze his noble features, pushing up his strong sharp cheekbones, sucking in his cheeks with pride, stiffening his gate with dignity, his eyes as blue as chipped ice, his face freckled lightly, his brick red hair blown back from his face as if he had never given it a second thought.  His voice was deep and rich and melodious.  He carried this icy coolness with him everywhere he went, he iced his office in the dog days, and didn't thaw it one degree at Christmas, which was a faith-based mystical day which was sanctioned by the thiefs and looters who felt they had the moral right to steal from a man annually, whether he agreed with them or not.





(feel free to continue)

Blackface Cupcakes, from Duncan Hines!





Al Jolson loves them!

DESE TINGS'RE DE BES' CUPDEECAKES DIS SINGA EVA DID TAST'D!
                                             \


Pickaninny up a box today - before they're all gone!

I guess while I was AWOL someone changed the post counts so they show gibberish instead of the actual post count.

I'm certain this has been discussed (probably to death) but I just wanted to voice my steadfast approval.  Kudos to whoever's idea this was.

I rail against people rubbernecking at accidents all the time, well not ALL the time, but often enough that I probably become more tedious than I already am, but a co-worker and I were talking about gruesome accidents today during lunch (this is the kind of shit we talk about) and he argued with me a bit that it was completely natural to want to look at stuff like that. 

His point was that ALL animals, given a chance, will check out a corpse... and not only check it out, check it out at length.  besides that, he thinks thats its not so much gruesome or ghoulish for someone to do that, but life affirming or a celebration of life.  Sort of a "There, but for the grace of chance, go I."   

He thinks this is also why gory horror movies are important culturally. 

I'm torn.  I can sort of see his point, but at the same time if I was beheaded publicly by a falling sheet of aluminum, I really wouldn't want people gawking at it... but then again, I will be dead, so who cares?

Thoughts? Opinions?

Probably NSFW

A mysterious moving pint glass has been captured on CCTV at the New Inn in Gloucester, which has a reputation for hauntings.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/local/gloucestershire/hi/people_and_places/history/newsid_8706000/8706656.stm

If you HAD to eat people... would you prefer to eat someone you liked, or someone you didn't like?

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

And why do you stomp on them and eat them raw when they DO appear?  

I think the idea is patent bullshit.  It would seem to me to force people to vote would not improve anything other than 'voter turnout', and would possibly put even bigger morons in charge, due to revenge voting.

Am I wrong?

... she listens to Alex Jones religiously.  She claims the stock market has dropped 1000 points in the last 5 minutes... anyone know anything about this?

I don't want to get my news from this woman.

["Discordians should stick apart."]

"Discordians should stick apart."  
         
                                          -some asshole



Do we all agree on everything?  No; of course not, and why should we?  How interesting would any conversation be if we all agreed with each other 100% all the time?  It would be like playing chess by yourself... ok for a little while, but eventually you start to notice that you always lead with the knight.

Disagreement is good, its healthy, but it seems to me that lately we (as a community) have been pouncing on each other over our disagreements, rather than using them to our advantage.  When it comes down to it, we all must agree on SOMEthing, or we sure as shit wouldn't be wasting so much of our time here with each other.  But, are there ways we can use our disagreements to our advantages?  I think so.  Some of us support communism, some socialism, some liberalism, some conservatism, some libertarianism and some support furries for whatever fucked-up twisted reasons.  These are good things.  Agreement promotes stagnation.  Agreement is preaching to the choir.

I know this is going to sound like a hippie-dippie love everyone solution, but could we not pool our disagreements and use them to our advantage when dealing with other sites?  If we were to storm somewhere like MW at this point, attacking from ALL sides (quite literally) I think we could shatter them.  If they have a head-in-the-sand conservative fucktard, we send in our hardest-nosed liberal and let them battle it out.  If they have some love-everyone hippie who wants nothing more than to sit in the mud and do acid, we send in our meanest libertarian to chew them a new one.  If they have a believe-everything type, we send in a skeptic, if they have a skeptic we send in a believer.

Why should our differences be detriments?  They are not.  They are our fucking strengths, and they always have been.

There are enough monkeys out there, why sit in here masturbating and flinging shit at each other?

Does anyone here use http://blip.fm?

It's like Twitter, except that instead of pointless narcissistic drivel, you post music... a bit like your own radio station.  If people choose to listen, that is... is it like that zen koan?  If you blip music and nobody listens, are you really blipping?  I don't know...

Boner from "Growing Pains" has apparently been eaten by Canada...

from wiki:

"In February 2010, Joshua Koenig was reported missing by friends and family.[2] He was last seen in West Vancouver, British Columbia, Canada on February 14, and missed a scheduled flight back to the U.S. on February 16.[3] According to his parents, Koenig left evidence that he was depressed prior to his disappearance.[4]"

...the "evidence" in question was the entire Growing Pains catalogue

Most images of Eris seem to depict her as a typical Greek goddess, but wouldn't she really have been even more martial that Athene?  Helmet and spear, etc?

Today, Juul Haalmeyer, of the internationally renowned Juul Haalmeyer Dancers asked to be my friend on Facebook today.  HE asked to be MY friend.  I could levitate.  

Is this ground-shaking?  No.  Does it make me extremely happy?  You bet your sweet bippy it does.


Now, about SCTV...

So, Colbert is mocking Canadians, as his ultra right-wing persona certainly would... and you would think that most people are in on the joke by this point, but apparently not.  Canada likes to pretend it has the best sense of humor in the world, but just point a joke toward us and we curl up in the corner and weep.  Sad sad sad.

http://shows.ctv.ca/ColbertReport/article/Stephen-Colbert-gears-up-for-the-Olympics-with-plans-for-medals-and-mockery#c_1

from the article:

Many Canadians, though, have been put off by Colbert's frequent mockery. As a pseudo pundit, Colbert likes to elevate the U.S. above all other countries, making the Olympics - which he calls a combination "talent popularity-contest war" - prime fodder for parodic patriotism.

He has called Canadians "syrup-suckers," "Saskatche-whiners," and said Canadian history is a euphemism for a sex act so depraved, he can't say it on TV.

Colbert still jokes that he's going to Vancouver to find out "What is Canada? Or more importantly, why is Canada?"

This is about insignificant crumbs of nothing.

You are an insignificant crumb of nothing. Your size, when compared with the sheer vastness of our known universe, is roughly that of an atom floating next to the island of Manhattan. We -you, me, everyone you've ever met- are all insignificant crumbs of nothing. If you could get a bird's eye view of our entire universe, the vast collection of billions of interstellar shopping malls, you wouldn't even be able to see our galaxy, the Milky Way. Neither would you see any of our neighboring galaxies, or even the large cluster of galaxies we reside inside; no, we are truly cosmically insignificant.

But, we are conscious. At least, we think so. Possibly, just possibly, the only conscious beings in the entire universe as unlikely as that seems. And each of us; you, me, your mother, that dog down the street, are all composed of atoms created in the Big Bang. We are all the same age, and we are all made up from what was once smaller than the head of a pin. You, your potted fern, and a stapler are all essentially the same.

Think about that.

YoYo, for an insignificant crumb of nothing, certainly took being evicted from his crumb of an apartment quite seriously. He was pissed off as he ran with his tacky turtle-shell suitcase to catch the crumb known locally as the Queen Streetcar.

As he ran to the streetcar, a large red star in a relatively nearby galaxy winked out for the final time, and collapsed upon itself, sucking everything -even rays of light- within millions and millions of miles into the hole it left behind. This star kicking the proverbial bucket would not be visible to people on Earth for six million years.

YoYo had no idea the star even existed.

Three large galaxies on the opposite side of the universe were swallowed up by a gargantuan super-galaxy which was spinning out of control, destroying stars and planets like a child destroying ants.  YoYo was only aware of one other galaxy, our nearest neighbor, Andromeda, which will eventually collide with our galaxy, forming a super galaxy of our own. Perhaps, we too will careen out of control gobbling up star cities for the rest of time. Think of it as something to look forward to.

YoYo knew he had to find a place to stay, and at the same time was vaguely aware the universe was expanding, but had no idea that the more it expanded the faster it traveled.  He had no idea that our 'Big Bang' was, in fact, the fifth big bang.  The universe had been expanding and collapsing on itself for a googol's worth of years.  Or maybe a googol's googol. Or a googolplex. At any rate, it's been a while.  YoYo had no idea this was the fifth try at a universe anymore than he was aware that he'd existed since the very first big bang.  And, so have you.

Happy Birthday.

...that I apparently sound like a complete asshole in 75%* of my posts... I would like to make it clear that I am usually in no way an asshole, I just use heavy handed language I guess, without knowing it.  I will attempt to watch that, but its really the way I talk and will be quite difficult.

If I was really mad at someone I think it would be very obvious.  I tend to swear a lot more when I am angry.

If I have offended anyone recently with my blather, I apologize.  I love y'all.  Except Hugh.  Go fuck yourself, cunt-nugget.  See?  I'd talk like THAT.


Hoopla
-all hugs and kisses, REALLY!


* I just made that statistic up, just like MOST statistics are made up!  Ha!

I have no credentials, I didn't finish High School, and never went to any post secondary school... so I know basically nothing, but I'm mostly honest...

Save yourself the psychiatry bill and ask me.  I will answer you to the best of my ability at the moment I am answering... no question too trivial, no question too awkward...

If you were sent naked into a performing ring, what is the largest animal you think you could kill, bare handed?

PROTIP:  you might want to try avoiding predators.

The truly funny part is... I think its serious...

hxxp://www.sexinchrist.com/oralsex.html

Oral Sex in Accordance with God's Will

Since the publication of our original article on anal sex and God's will, we have received several inquiries asking to clarify God's position concerning oral sex. We are gratified that so many Christians are hungry for the word of the Lord and are actively seeking the Truth so that they may fulfill His plan in all areas of their lives.

The Good News About Oral Sex
Like anal sex, oral sex is the subject of much confusion and disagreement among the faithful. There are those who say that oral sex is unnatural because God did not intend our mouths to be used in such a manner. Others associate oral-genital contact with the sexual depravities of Sodom and Gomorrah. As you will see in the Scripture, neither one of these views is supported. Not only that, but oral sex has benefits that are of particular importance to Christians: oral sex allows the natural prevention of unwanted pregnancy and is an alternative to premarital intercourse for those committed to preserving their chastity before marriage.

There is nothing in the Bible that forbids engaging in acts of oral-genital contact. Oral sex has wrongly been grouped in with "sodomy" and the sexual sins of Sodom and Gomorrah. As we have seen with anal sex, this argument does not hold water, because the sins of the Sodomites were specifically homosexual and/or nonconsensual in nature. There is no way this could be extrapolated to argue against a heterosexual act of oral sex for mutual pleasure. On the other hand, the Bible does contain some favorable references to oral sex, some in poetic language and some more explicit.

"His Fruit Was Sweet to My Taste"
In Christian discussions concerning oral sex, the Song of Solomon is most frequently cited as an example of scriptural allusion to the act: Like an apple tree among the trees of the forest, so is my beloved among the young men. In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste. (Song of Solomon 2:3)

While the previous passage refers to fellatio, the following can be read as a metaphor for cunnilingus: Awake, O north wind, and come, wind of the south; make my garden breathe out fragrance, let its spices be wafted abroad. May my beloved come into his garden and eat its choice fruits! (Song of Solomon 4:16)

And again, the Song of Solomon urges lovers to eat and drink freely of one another's bodies: I am come into my garden, my sister, my spouse: I have gathered my myrrh with my spice; I have eaten my honeycomb with my honey; I have drunk my wine with my milk: eat, O friends; drink, yea, drink abundantly, O beloved. (Song of Solomon 5:1) This reading of the scriptures portrays the act of oral sex as both natural, like eating, and a joyful expression of love, passion, and sexual sharing between a man and woman.

In the New Testament, this passage directs partners to render "benevolence" to one another, which can be extended to performing oral sex on each other as part of their duty to the Lord and one another: Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. (Corinthians 7:33) Not only does this passage imply that oral sex between a man and woman is acceptable and desirable, but as we shall see, the Bible also provides more specific edicts concerning the completion of the oral sex act, namely swallowing the male emission.

The Necessity of Swallowing - The Sin of Spilling Seed
Most of us are familiar with the Biblical story of Onan, whose sin against God was that of spilling his seed on the ground:

And Onan knew that the seed should not be his; and it came to pass, when he went in unto his brother's wife, that he spilled it on the ground, lest that he should give seed to his brother. 10 And the thing which he did displeased the LORD: wherefore he slew him also. (Genesis 38:9)
This scriptural passage has traditionally been used as an injunction against masturbation. However, upon closer reading, it becomes apparent that this scenario has nothing to do with masturbation at all. Onan was not masturbating; he was copulating with his brother's wife (and there was a good reason for that, in God's plan). His sin was pulling out (coitus interruptus) and ejaculating on the ground rather than into the woman. He did so in order to avoid impregnating her. However, he could have easily avoided God's wrath (and the penalty of death), by simply having the woman fellate him and then swallow his semen. This would have kept him from impregnating her, as well as completely prevented the spilling of seed that was an offense in God's eyes.

The extreme case of Onan aside, how bad is it in general to spill semen? The Old Testament ranks it with other acts of uncleanliness that meet with God's disapproval: And if any man's seed of copulation go out from him, then he shall wash all his flesh in water, and be unclean until the even. 17 And every garment, and every skin, whereon is the seed of copulation, shall be washed with water, and be unclean until the even. (Leviticus 15:16-17) Getting ejaculate on oneself or one's clothing results in uncleanness that requires extensive reparations and atonement. Obviously one simple way to prevent the spillage of semen is to have your partner perform fellatio and swallow the emission. In fact, in light of these scriptures, performing fellatio to completion and then spitting out the resulting emission seems almost unthinkable.

The Benefits of Swallowing - Drink of the Living Water
Aside from swallowing semen as a measure to prevent the waste and spillage of seed, ingesting ejaculate can have spiritual benefits, as we will see. Although the Old Testament makes reference to the bitterness of semen (And he shall cause the woman to drink the bitter water. [Numbers 5:24]), the New Testament casts the act of consuming ejaculate in a much more affirming light, as in the following passage, where Jesus speaks to the woman of Samaria about the gift of "living water":

Jesus answered her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is that is saying to you, "Give me a drink,' you would have asked him, and he would have given you living water." 11 The woman said to him, "Sir, you have no bucket, and the well is deep. Where do you get that living water?...15 The woman said to him, "Sir, give me this water, so that I may never be thirsty or have to keep coming here to draw water." 16 Jesus said to her, "Go, call your husband, and come back." (John 4:10-16)
"Living water" in this context refers to semen, which literally is the liquid of life. As Christ indicates, drinking of the "living water" provides a spiritual replenishment for the soul. When the woman asks Jesus where she can get this "water", he tells her to fetch her husband, clearly with the intention of instructing her on how to fellate him and swallow his semen.

Oral Sex in Christ
In summary, we can say that the Scripture supports and even encourages the act of oral sex between loving heterosexual partners. Moreover, the Bible specifically encourages fellatio to completion (orgasm) with the female partner consuming or swallowing the ejaculate. This prevents spilling seed, which is an affront to the Lord, and also provides spiritual benefit to the receiving partner. Oral sex has the added benefits of preventing unwanted pregnancies and helping couples satisfy their sexual urges while preserving their chastity until marriage. For these reasons, all Christian men and women should feel confident and comfortable including oral sex as part of their sexual life in accordance with God's will.

More Articles:

Anal Sex and God's Will

Viagra and God's Will

Threesomes Within a Christian Marriage

Reader Questions and Answers

Masturbation - God's Great Gift to Us

A Proposal for a Christian Pornography

Bondage in Christ - BDSM in a Christian Marriage

Fisting and God's Will

Bare before God - Shaving and the Bible

A Philosophical Argument for Masturbation new!

Have you ever, EVER heard someone say "that's interesting", and didn't suspect they were lying through their fucking teeth?  Would someone who was actually interested in something say that?

Is there a difference between a reason and an excuse?

I was watching a program on television a few nights ago (I'll spare you which one it was) and a woman was asking a man about some things he did which she thought were out of line.  He rambled on for a minute or so, documented the causes of said behaviour.  At the end of his speech she asked him:  "Do you think you make excuses for your behaviour a lot?"

Now, here's the crux... to me, it seemed he was explaining the reasons for his actions, yet she heard them as excuses.

What do you think is the difference between the two concepts?  IS there a difference?

Dear Roger,

It sure as shit ain't getting better.  I had an incident tonight.  I was sitting on the miserable rattle coaster excuse for this city's Public Transit, and without the shielding of a book or some form of music device I was forced to look the monkey in the eye, face to face with the Brothers and Sisters that were forced on me because of the spot on the face of Planet Mudball I was unfortunate enough to have been born onto.  It was as if the work of Hieronymus Bosch sprang into life around me, but wearing blinking sneakers and sparkling vampire t-shirts.  I'm just a man, Roger, I have my limits, dammit.  Picture the Incredible Hulk doing the tango; picture Godzilla going for sushi; picture, hell picture Frankenstein dusting.  It was not pretty.  There's something about the smell of fresh brain that reminds me of my first bedroom.  It was purple.  What sane parent paints a kid's bedroom purple?  I didn't stand a fucking chance, Roger.

Some questions:
Is it possible that the typhoon in the Philippines is the direct result of the whale-tail of Miley Cyrus?  Does the ghost of Anna Nicole Smith fart?  What did Pope Ratzinger say to Megan Fox and David Hasselhof when they all met in the Los Angeles headquarters of the Kabbalah Center™?  I don't know either, but I suspect we will all find out, sooner rather than later.  

Roger, why is it that anyone can pop out a kid, yet to receive a free coke at McDonalds I have to fill out a quiz?  How can I be expected to hear the word 'crantini' and not snap and strangle someone?  Can you answer me that?  The green olives of the world weep, my friend.

My great grandfather watched for German planes on a rooftop during WWII.  When someone called out that the war was over, he  fell from the building, impaling himself on a spiked fence far below.  A co-worker asked him, "William, does it hurt?" My grandfather replied: "Only when I laugh."   Me too, Roger; only when I laugh.

Hoopla

PS:  I need you to wire me some bail money.