Topics

[1. Happiness:]

Okay, judging from PMs I have received, I think I need to define a few terms.  This will be done in R-Prime, because I refuse to debate a subject when people decide that words can mean anything, so long as it helps them "win".  This will be a work in progress, that will last as long as people try to do horrible shit to my beloved language.

1.  Happiness:  This is the state of being in Slack™.  It means that you aren't just "satisfied" (see complacency, below), but actively ENJOYING yourself a significant portion of the time.  Living to LIVE, not just survive.

2.  Complacency:  This is often mistaken for happiness, but is actually the feeling of "getting by", or "at least I'm not as bad off as the Mexican illegals",  or "I've done my part/have my shit, fuck you."  It's what happens when you stop having fun, but aren't actually starving to death.

3.  Rights:  Rights are those things you can do if you so choose, and if anyone tries to stop you, you can kill a motherfucker and still be morally in the right.  Examples would include freedom of expression, freedom to peaceably assemble, etc.  Rights cannot be given, incidentally.  They must be seized, and then assumed.  Rights CAN be given away, simply by failing to assume them (ie, "First Amendment Zones").  Knuckling under like a bitch means you have voluntarily chosen to cede a right.

4.  Privilege:  Priviliege translates directly as "private law".  Unlike rights, privileges are granted, and they are not universal.  The Sheriff's kid being able to flaunt the law and get away with it is an example, as is Rush Limbaugh's seeming immunity to drug charges.  Privileges may be taken away, as they are granted.

More to follow.

Okay, so it's pretty apparent that America's system of government is in a failure mode, due to over-complexity.  When republics fail, they almost always revert to some form of oligarchy or autocracy...instead of rule of law, you have rule by individuals.  This is not conducive to liberty, and a lack of liberty isn't conducive to happiness.

So the trick is, how do we have a good time in such a situation?  How do we preserve Saturday Night? 

A few "suggestions" have been brought up, including "privilege" (ie, getting the local cops on your side), which isn't the same as freedom, and is thus useless...Also "rational anarchism", which also doesn't address the fact that you live in a system that will punish the hell out of you (not much fun) for openly flouting the powers that be.  It makes great martyrs, if that's your thing, but does nothing to address the root problem.

No, we're simply going to have to shift what we DO to have a good time...For example, I have a great deal of fun tormenting Harry Reid with weekly horrible letters.  This has been a bit of an indulgence on my part, as Harry Reid is a symptom, not a cause, of the general malaise.

Instead, I now propose to have my fun taking out frustrations on the people that caused the problem...To wit, the general public.  As they have traded happiness for complacency, false Slack™ for fun, a supposed safety for freedom, they must be punished. 

The two ways I have determined to be the most effective in punishing them are:

1.  Propaganda showing them what they've "bought".  This will simply mean shifting the message just a tad, from "this is what's coming" to "are you happy now?"

2.  Having a damn good time which they can see after the fact, but cannot participate in.  To do this, we're going to need a new version of the Temporary Autonomous Zone.  Not one which we will stake out (in real estate or philosophically), as that will simply get you smashed flat.  No, what I mean is that we need to establish areas where we can have a real fucking blast, without getting caught...As opposed to rational anarchism, in which a stand is taken, we need to better understand how to get under the radar and stay that way. 

I have some ideas on how to do both of these (which I will go into later, in part IV), but I'd be very interested in any thoughts anyone else has, as this is in fact a work in progress and not a finalized idea.  We've talked about this sort of stuff before (KYFMS, etc), but I think we need to brainstorm some specifics.

Is anybody in?

MERRY ANZAC DAY AND HAPPY GALLIPOLI.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/richard-adams-blog/2010/apr/21/sue-lowden-lowdencare-chickens-nevada

In related news, I have thought of a way to pay the proctologist.   

How have YOU pretended to make a difference?

[THIS IS NOT CONCORDIA.COM]

Are you prepared to look past the stupid bickering and the daytime drama?  Are you still serious about having a good time?  Or are you still shocked and appalled that a pack of Discordians (root word is what?) and Erisians are squabbling?  Well, let me tell you something...

THIS IS NOT CONCORDIA.COM.

Do you even remember why we're here?  It isn't for the content, though that's nice.  It isn't for the plans to bring down The Machine™, because you and I both know that's not going to happen.  It isn't even for the propagation of Discordianism, because that's like bringing coals to Newcastle, these days.

We're here to associate among others of our kind.  It's really that simple.  If you feel that we aren't your kind, then by all means, go somewhere else if you're not happy.  It's a great big internet.

But if you're like me, and you want to have some folks like yourself to giggle with as the monkeys do ever-increasing silly shit, then stay.  Be strong enough to enjoy the chaos, the writing, and the companionship of some of the most creative people on the fucking web.

Because this is no century for the weak.  And it's no century to face alone.

Okay for now,
Dok.

...I need to build a PUPPY CANNON, for holding off PITA enthusiasts.

"Dok, have you noticed that the homeless people have by and large disappeared?  Where have they gone?  What the hell is going on in this town?"
- Nurse Mayhem, pointing out the obvious.

That's a good question, though one that is probably better left unanswered.  Rumors fly that they have found something sinister to worship, far to the East of the legal district, their normal haunt.  Sounds like something out of H.P. Lovecraft or Ashton Clark, right?  Well, this is Tucson, Eris' most Holy City, and anything - anything - is possible.

Our police look strained, and thank God they started cleaning up their act five years ago.  Residents are beginning to trust them, and have approached them with all manner of unreal shit.  Cults are springing up all over town, including a particularly odd one at a "club" called "Desert Dominion", purportedly an S&M club in The Maze, not far from the fuel storage farm.  The cult of the Black Madonna is supposed to be thriving again as well, though nobody can prove a damn thing (the "temple" I found 3 months ago could be in use, or it could have been abandoned years ago...except for the smashed electronics all around the wooden slab in the center of the courtyard.).

Gang violence is up, though it's almost exclusively internal to any given gang.  Power struggles and the like.  12th Street South of Ajo is littered with bodies weekly.  This, at least, is nothing new...except that the gangs usually attack each other.  Even the Dirty Boys on Grant Road aren't out.

The Tohono Odham are staying on their reservation.  There was no sirrocco this year, and that's a bad sign, apparently...Summer should be here, and it's still acting like early March.  Bear in mind that they are normally no more superstitious than you or I.  Bad times are coming, one told me in the parking lot of the casino, and it's best to stick near your tribe.

It all fills me with a sense of foreboding.  People turning to weird cults, paranoid Indians, bikers hunkering down, gang killings just for the hell of it...and no reason for any of it.

But what of it?  This is Eris' Holy City, this is the town she built, and I suppose she can do whatever she likes with it.  And what Discordian would flee from this?  Not I, and not my friends.  It still hasn't gotten weird enough for me.

Okay For Now,
Dok

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pIRVDJzqD64

Yeah. 

I went there.

http://www.latinalista.net/palabrafinal/2010/04/arizonas_new_law_makes_it_open_season_on.html

This story has a lot of parallels with a developing story from Arizona. Come Friday, the biggest example yet of an authority entity giving the green light to single out a minority group may be Arizona -- if the governor signs into law a bill that in essence is declaring "open season" on the state's Latinos.

The unfortunate reality is that unlike these black workers, the Latinos impacted by this law would have no legal route to take to defend themselves.

The Arizona bill is known as Senate Bill 1070 and it would require:

    Anyone whom police suspect of being in the country illegally to produce "an alien registration document," such as a green card, or be charged with a Class 1 misdemeanor and pay a minimum $500 fine.

An act that immediately criminalizes an undocumented immigrant and impacts their chances of ever returning to the United States. This is problematic since many undocumented have lived in the country for years and their families are of mixed-status.

    Makes it illegal to seek work from a road or sidewalk if doing so slows traffic. It also makes it a crime to pick up someone if a driver "knows or recklessly disregards the fact that the alien is here illegally."

Basically, like Oklahoma, the other state that wants to terrorize people from helping the undocumented, giving someone a lift to the hospital, school, store, etc. and the driver knows they are undocumented criminalizes the citizen being a Good Samaritan.

    A law enforcement officer, without a warrant, may arrest a person if the officer has probable cause to believe that the person has committed any public offense that makes the person removable from the United States.

While no one would like to believe police officers would abuse their positions, unfortunately that's not the case, especially in Arizona which is home to the infamous Sheriff Arpaio.

This section of the law could be abused in going after Latino citizens. If a warrant is not needed that gives the officer the first excuse of getting his foot in the door to look for other signs of, real or imagined, violations of the law.

    A law enforcement agency may securely transport an alien who is unlawfully present in the United States and who is in the agency's custody to a federal facility in this state or to any other point of transfer into federal custody that is outside the jurisdiction of the law enforcement agency.

Basically, this allows for the "disappearance" of undocumented immigrants. Since these immigrants are not afforded the opportunity to contact family members to let them know what has happened to them, this "transport" to facilities outside the region and/or state is a cruel act to perpetuate on a family worried to death about where their husband, wife, mother or child is.

    A person may bring an action in Superior Court to challenge any official or agency of this state or a county, city, town or other political subdivision of this state that adopts or implements a policy that limits or restricts the enforcement of federal immigration laws to less than the full extent permitted by federal law. If there is a judicial finding that an entity has violated this section, the court shall order any of the following...

This section may actually be one of those things that comes and bites the state of Arizona in the ass. It allows for everyday citizens -- in addition to the Minuteman, Tea Party and other racist extremists -- to bring to court any law enforcement agency or city official deemed not enforcing the full extent of the immigration law.

For those people who are so prejudicial that any Latino is one too many, they would now have recourse to legally exhibit their discrimination -- without fear. The way the bill reads on about what would happen to the person who brings the charges is that they would be rewarded by having their court costs and attorney fees covered.

It goes on to say how the "entity" would be punished for not complying with the law if it was found to be guilty but nothing would be done to the person for bringing the charges, other than they would have to pay the court costs and attorney fees.

It's a blatant attempt to encourage citizens to turn against their neighbor and their local city and law enforcement officials -- and it serves to not only destabilize the social fabric of Arizona but make it such an unfriendly place by empowering the person on the street to challenge law enforcement that this bill redefines what the Wild West is in the 21st Century.

Petitions have been set up by such organizations as the National Council of La Raza and the United Farm Workers urging Arizona Gov. Brewer to not sign into law a bill that has the potential to harm both citizen and non-citizen Latinos in the state.

Governor Brewer signed it this afternoon.   

WHEEEEE!  Welcome back to 1950!

http://www.azcentral.com/news/election/azelections/articles/2010/04/16/20100416arizona-concealed-weapons-bill16-ON.html

Gov. Jan Brewer signed Senate Bill 1108 into law Friday afternoon. It eliminates the requirement for a concealed-carry weapons permit, but does require gun owners to accurately answer if an officer asks them if they are carrying weapon concealed. It also allows officers to temporarily confiscate a weapon while they are talking to an individual, including during a traffic stop.

"I believe strongly in the individual rights and responsibilities of a free society, and as governor I have pledged a solemn and important oath to protect and defend the Constitution," Brewer said in a news release. "I believe this legislation not only protects the Second Amendment rights of Arizona citizens, but restores those rights as well."

The law goes into effect 90 days after the Legislature adjourns for this session, which could happen in the next couple of weeks.

Arizona joins Vermont and Alaska in not requiring such permits.

"If you want to carry concealed, and you have no criminal history, you are a good guy, you can do it," bill sponsor Sen. Russell Pearce, R-Mesa, has said of his bill. "It's a freedom that poses no threat to the public."

National Rifle Association lobbyist Matt Dogali said the new state law would not violate any current federal requirements.

"There is no federal requirement for a permit or lack thereof," Dogali said.

The federal government oversees the background-check program required to purchase a weapon, which will still be required in Arizona in most cases.

Brewer last week did sign a separate law that exempts guns made and kept in Arizona from federal regulation, including background checks.

Arizona had 154,279 active permits as of April 4. Permit holders are spread across all ages, races and counties, but White males older than 30 in Maricopa and Pima counties hold the majority, according to the Arizona Department of Public Safety data.

The permits generated $1.8 million in revenue last fiscal year, according to DPS. The money is used to help cover costs for enforcing laws related to the Highway Patrol, operating the concealed-carry weapon-licensing program and impounding vehicles.

Arizona's permit process will remain in place, and many gun owners may still choose to get a permit. Permits would still be needed in order to carry a weapon into a restaurant or bar that serves alcohol. They would also be needed if an Arizonan wants to carry his or her gun concealed in most other states.

For those who do choose to get a permit, the education requirements do change under the new law. Classes are no longer required to be a set number of hours or include any hands-on use of the weapon. Those who don't get a permit would not be required to get any training or education.

Retired Mesa police officer Dan Furbee runs a business teaching permit and other gun safety classes. He said if most people choose not to get a permit, it will put several hundred Arizona firearms instructors out of business.

"It's going to hurt," he said.

But he said what really concerns him is that the new law will allow people who have had no education about Arizona's laws and no training on the shooting range to carry a concealed gun. The eight-hour class currently required to get a permit includes information on state law and gun safety, as well as requires students to be able to hit a target 14 out of 20 times. Furbee said his class at Mesa-based Ultimate Accessories costs $79, plus $60 for the five-year permit.

"I fully agree that we have a right to keep and bear arms," Furbee said. "But if you are not responsible enough to take a class and learn the laws, you are worse than part of the problem."

He said it's not uncommon for students to walk into his classroom and pull a new gun out of a box with no idea how to hold it and no understanding of the laws surrounding it.

"If you are going to carry a concealed weapon, you should have some kind of training and show that you are at least competent to know how the gun works and be able to hit a target," he said. "You owe the people around you a measure of responsibility."

This new law is the latest of several that have passed over the past year since Brewer took over the office from former Gov. Janet Napolitano, a Democrat.

Napolitano vetoed at least a dozen weapons bills that crossed her desk during her seven years in office, all of which would have loosened gun restrictions. In 2005, Napolitano rejected a bill that would have allowed patrons to carry loaded guns into bars and restaurants. In 2008, she also vetoed a bill that would have allowed people to have a hidden gun in vehicles without a concealed-carry permit.

In January 2009, Napolitano resigned to become U.S. Homeland Security secretary and Republican Secretary of State Brewer became governor.

During her first year in office, Brewer signed a bill allowing loaded guns in bars and restaurants, as well as another that prohibits property owners from banning guns from parking areas, so long as the weapons are kept locked in vehicles.

Gonna be 50,000 stupid fuckers getting arrested for brandishing, etc, soon.   

[First]

Okay, having lost 35 pounds, a few people have asked me how I did it.  What you're going to get here is a very difficult plan that requires discipline.  There is no easy way.  I'd also like to give credit to Nigel, who helped develop the bare-bones plan that the doctor gave me into a more comprehensive and effective method.

First, cut out all of the following:

Fast food.  No exceptions other than salads.
Anything that went in a deep fryer.  Period.
Booze of any kind.  No exceptions, no days off.
Junk food (chips, ice cream, pastries, etc)
Non-diet soda.  This one is a killer.

You will notice that I have not mentioned carbs, etc.  There is good reason for this.  You NEED carbs.

Second, plan your calorie limit.  Nigel pointed out a really good site, http://thedailyplate.com  Go there, and plug in your height, weight, age, etc, and tell it the following, no matter what the real case is:

1.  I wish to maintain my present weight.
2.  I do low/moderate exercise

When you do this, it will give you your "break even" calories.  Subtract 500 from this number.  This is your target goal, every day except Sunday.  On Sunday, hit your break even number, but don't exceed it.  You need to do this to be in decent condition for Monday at work, and to give yourself a rest.

Third, plan your diet, using the number generated above for your total daily intake.  HOWEVER, no meal should be larger than the following example:

1.  Two slices of bread, low cal mayo, and either a piece of cheese OR meat the size of the palm of your hand.
2.  A pile of veggies the size of your fist.

Calculate the calories involved (regging an account at the daily plate opens up all kinds of neat tools for doing this), and you can figure the number of meals per day.  This is important...the idea is to shrink your stomach.  Multiple small meals are better than 3 solid meals.  Space these out evenly over the day.  Plan 340 calories for 2 slimfasts or the like.  This is important, and I'll cover it later.  Also, plan 90 calories for bed time (also covered later)

If you aren't having a sammich, then substitute it with the food you are going to eat, but nothing larger than your fist in total volume.

Fourth,  Eat a piece of fruit within 20 minutes of waking up (or veggies, etc), to keep your body from going into conservation mode.

Fifth, Veggies should be about 80% of your diet.  This has the added advantage of being CHEAP.  ONE piece of fruit per day (loose fruit like berries, etc, should again be the size of your fist.)  Bear in mind that for these purposes, tomatoes are veggies, but corn and peas are fruit.

Sixth, DO NOT EAT WHILE ON THE COMPUTER OR WHILE WATCHING TV.  If it's time to eat, get away from the comp or TV.  Break the habit of eating while you do these things, they're killers.

Seventh, Diet soda has zero calories.  Coffee has 4 calories per cup, tea has zero, and water has zero.  No milk (if you need calcium, take Tums), no juice.

Eighth, LEAVE THE TABLE HUNGRY.  Do NOT fill up with low/no cal food like pickles, etc.  The idea here is to shrink your stomach, which will ease unnecessary hunger.  When you get too fucking hungry, have one of your two slimfasts.  They're nothing but Potassium, and will trick your hunger for a couple of hours.

Ninth, Eat a salad right before bed.  Garden salad ONLY.  No meat, no eggs, no anything.  Lettuce and sliced veggies only.  Use either balsamic vinagarette or low fat Italian dressing.  DO NOT PUT THE DRESSING ON THE SALAD, leave it on the side, and dip into it.  This salad will let you go to bed without an empty stomach, and will also have the added advantage of making you shit the whole world out of your guts in the morning, which will make you feel better than you'd think possible.

Tenth, NO CHEATING.  NO "VACATIONS".  Not even if you're at a fucking wedding.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  I cannot stress this enough.

Eleventh  Do cardio workouts.  Do not lift weights.  All the weights you need are already attached to your fat ass.  Treadmill is best (eliptical if you have bad knees), go as fast as you can comfortably walk for one hour, then a 5 minute cool down.  If you can't afford the gym, just go for a walk, but keep your pace up.  Drive out a 2 mile route, and use it.  When that becomes easy, and it will, add a mile.  4-6 miles is the most you want to do.  IF YOU ARE OVERWEIGHT, DO NOT - I REPEAT DO NOT - RUN.  Your knees won't like it.  Calculate the calories (daily plate or elsewhere) burned AND ADD THEM TO YOUR DAILY ALLOWANCE.  Replace those calories, you'll need them.  The purpose of exercise is to stimulate your metabolism, not burn fat.  It requires a marathon to lose one pound of real weight.  Lastly, drink loads of water while doing this and DO NOT WEAR PLASTIC OR WHATEVER TO MAKE YOURSELF SWEAT.  Water weight loss is an illusion, and will FUCK YOUR KIDNEYS UP.  Work out for two days straight, then take a day off, then two more days, then a day off, etc.

Twelvth, NO FUCKING CHEATING.  NO VACATIONS.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  EAT NOTHING YOU HAVEN'T PLANNED INTO YOUR DIET.  This is NOT easy, for the first several weeks you are going to be in pain from hunger, feel weak, cranky, everything else.  This is NORMAL.   It is the price you pay for NOT BEING A FATASS.  The Slimfasts are there to help you.

There's a few more hints I'll post as they come to mind, and I'd appreciate Nigel's input, but that's the basic plan.

Okay for now,
Dok.

I'm planning on publishing a book once per year, with the best of PD writing in it.  Consider it a 96 page (possibly more) paperback version of Intermittens.  Format will be based on submissions, and it will either be a standard paperback, or something like the Book of the Subgenius.  Illustrations are welcome, too.  Heres the deal:

1.  Authors retain all rights to their work (it's "printed with permission").

2.  I front the initial production costs.  These costs will be taken off the top.  Any profit shown will be donated to the board, to help Faust maintain/upgrade things.  If it starts to sell elsewhere in any quantity, we can discuss as a group what to do with future issues.

3.  Submissions for the first book will be final on October 1st of this year.  I will then edit the book and set for a January 1st release date.  Not everything in the thread will be necessarily used, and editorial/content control is in my hands alone.  However, any actual changes to text will be passed by the author for approval.

Post submissions here in their entirety:

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=23981.0

However, do NOT comment in that thread.  Instead, discussion should take place here.

Who's in?

The victim:  A 36 year old woman who - along with her mother - went into physcial therapy as a career, specializing in working with brain damaged children.  Obtained a PhD, did a lot of good work for over a decade.

The jackass:  Driving 97MPH in a 45 MPH zone, at 2:15AM on a Friday night, blood alchohol at .17 (.02 over extreme DUI) in a Ford Explorer.  Suspended license, no insurance, no registration.

The Cop:  Sheriff's deputy driving on patrol, along with his fiance, a CVS officer (non-bonded, no weapon, still a cop).

The victim had been attending a going away party for a friend at Dillon's Country Bar on the largely empty state route 90 near Sierra Vista.  She had drunk water all night, and was found to have a blood-alcohol content of .00...IE, she had nothing to drink.

At or around 2:15, she got in her Dodge Durango to go home, a distance of about 1 mile.

1.7 miles East, Sheriff's Deputy Berry and his fiance were heading East on patrol when a West-bound Ford Explorer blew past them doing 97MPH in a 45MPH zone.  Deputy Berry made a U turn and began an attempt to catch up, accelerating to 110MPH on a wet road at night.

He never even got close.  When he was still 2000+ feet behind the Explorer, the victim pulled out onto the highway, 650 feet in front of the Explorer.  Had the Explorer been doing the speed limit, she had more than enough time to accelerate.

At this point, she is going 21 MPH.  The Explorer is going 147 feet per second, and the police cruiser is going 162 feet per second in pursuit, at a distance of about a half mile from the Explorer.

The explorer impacted the back of the Durango without even hitting his brakes.  It was an "offset rear end collision"...which is to say, he didn't hit her headlight to tail light,  but about 10 inches off center.  At this point, a number of things happened.

Deputy Berry began to brake at a moderate rate.

The Dodge Durango accelerated by about 50MPH in a third of a second.  The victim was wearing her seat belt, but her car began to spin at the exact moment it began to accelerate.  Two things happened:  One, she broke the left side of her skull on the upright between the front and rear left side windows, and two, the right and left sides of her brain partially separated (read:  her brain tore in half) under the extreme G's generated by the impact and acceleration.

The Ford Explorer turned sideways and began to roll.  The driver was not wearing a seatbelt, and was ejected from the vehicle, which rolled over him on the concrete, leaving what I call "The Shroud of Dumbass" imprinted on the passenger side door of the vehicle.  His ribcage and skiull break, and all major organs are destroyed or damaged.  He dies within minutes.

The lawsuit alledges that had Deputy Berry turned on his emergency lights when he first saw the Explorer, the victim would have seen the pursuit and would not have made the turn.  Evidence points otherwise, and we found that the deputy was following the law and department procedures by attempting to close the distance before turning on his rollers.  As such, we found for the defendant.

The result:  The victim is now permanently and profoundly brain damaged, but is expected to live out a normal life span.  Her parents will take care of her for as long as possible, but she will eventually be moved into an institution, where proper therapy will most likely not be available.  The children she worked with no longer have a therapist.  This woman was also a pillar of the community, and was considered the "go to" person for people with trouble (very small town).  They no longer have her for help, or even just friendship.

All because of one drunken bastard.

I was passing the aircraft graveyards down by DM Airforce base the other day, and when I went along the back side, I noticed that one of the older yard's fences had collapsed.  There are still ancient DC3s there, along with some other museum pieces, and the fence looked like it had been down a while.  I hadn't noticed that before.

It's still federal property, Nigel...Why hasn't anyone fixed it?

While I'm on the subject, half the bridges in this city are falling down.  Nobody seems to care.  All the revenue goes elsewhere - God knows where - and everything seems to be falling apart.  Also, the whole legal district is emptying out.  Most the shops on congress are just empty storefronts. 

So where did everyone go?  Did The Stand happen while I was sleeping or something?  Did I miss all the fun?  That would figure.  The apocalypse finally happens, and Dok sleeps through it.  Perfect.

Remember when we used to build things?  When new buildings and roads went up every time you blinked?  Yeah, me neither...They haven't even rebuilt the WTC, or even done a proper memorial, and don't even get me started on New Orleans.  Odds are, what's left of Providence will be allowed to turn into one big mildew stain on the East coast, because we've forgotten how to DO anything.  Or we're too broke, because we're busy running a few wars that don't seem to have any purpose that anyone can properly explain.

What the hell is going on? 

So, yeah, finished the graphic novel issue on Friday and Saturday (no sleep Friday night), had way too much caffeine trying out the cold brew equipment...Yeah, I know you don't need lab gear to make it, but we wanted it NOW.  Dropped Freaky off, and went downtown to Witless to my people.

Met a few guys at a barrel-fire party in an abandoned lot on Drachmann, not far from the Meatrack, and whipped them into a frenzy.  Had a good time watching a few of them fight each other, then staggered off down 12th street.  Things got a little hazy after that...Everything was swaying and blurry.  Got into some kind of altercation, came away with scraped knuckles.  I still have my wallet, so I guess I won.

After that, it's a blur, and at some point Maria and her sister Shorty were loading me into the back of Maria's jeep.  Woke up alone at home at about 11AM Sunday morning, having missed all my pills for the night.  Spent a glorious day of withdrawl symptoms, got in come kind of fight with Kai on IRC (nothing too serious, I hope), and then accidentally took two doses of my sleeping pills.  Somehow drove to work at 5:30AM, and haven't accomplished shit all day.

Needless to say, I'm a wreck right now, and I won't be writing the Unvarnished Truth #2 until tomorrow morning, probably at 9AM MST.  Sorry, but that's just the way it is...My brain is in the right zone for writing, but there's nothing there to write...I think I'd rather be yet another day late, than to post some brain-damaged jabbering in place of a well thought out rant.  Brain-damaged jabbering has its uses, but not in this particular case.

Okay for now,
Dok

hxxp://www.capitolgrilling.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=523678&page=1#Post523678



It just keeps getting better as the thread goes on.

NOW TAKING ORDERS.

Cost of the issue = $7.50 (52 pages, black and white, 6 of which are text, half of which are completely new material.)

Shipping = $2.00  Shipping will be media mail, no exceptions.

So the total is $9.50  DO NOT FORGET TO ENCLOSE YOUR SHIPPING INFORMATION.  Also, don't forget that I won't recognize your real name.  You might consider including your board name.  Or not.  You choose.  I will destroy all info upon you telling me that you have received your copy(s).

Ship date:  May 3rd, or whenever your payment clears, whichever comes SECOND (due to an agreement with our local distributor geek, I can't ship until after may 1st, and the next post day is May 3rd.

Payment options:  Cheque or money order (any sort).

Payment to be made out/sent to:

PM ME FOR ADDRESS.  THIS IS WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS.

I will pick up from that address every other day, and deposit the day I pick it up.  Takes about 3 days for cheques to clear, so make allowances.

Right now, I have enough for local distribution (I think) and everyone who has reserved a copy.  There's no deadline to order, but it's first come, first served, and although a reprinting won't increase the price, it adds 35 days (!!!) to get the copy to me, then however long it takes to ship to you.

Our next issue is scheduled to release July 1st, though that's a little up in the air due to the fact that there was way more to this than we thought, and the printing takes longer (or costs more, which nobody wants).



I'M SO HAPPY THIS SHIT IS IN THE CAN THAT I COULD PLOTZ!
\

...With Filthy Assistant and Mike the Engineer in attendance.  Amazingly enough, I didn't kill anyone.

Yes, you will now recognize Doktor Howl as an icon of peace and serenity.

Now sit on my lap and tell me you're sorry.

[1. Humans are not efficient.]

We've all got 'em.  Each and every one of us tends to impose our own ideas on top of other peoples' ideas, because it's easier than listening.  Problem is, when this goes to far - and what consists of too far may vary - communication becomes impossible.  It's an easy trap to fall into.  Humans are by nature a pattern-seeking species, and we are conditioned from birth into a win-lose mentality..."I must prove your idea wrong for mine to be right". 

This tends to reach religious levels, when it comes to certain topics.  We have seen this demonstrated on PD in multiple discussions, particularly on the subjects of drugs and politics.  In one thread, the question was asked "WHY do people do drugs", and within a page, the discussion became "Drugs are MAGIC!" (no shit) to "Drugs will KILL YOU the FIRST TIME you even think about using them (hyperbole mine, but you get the point).  Likewise, when a new political idea was brought up, but not yet explained, three people lined up to explain what it was, and why it wouldn't work.

This is because we all wear filters, through which we have chosen to view the world.  Sometimes this is a good thing.  I expect that a filter that says "there is no excuse for torture" will fly with most of us, for example.  However, when those filters become so thick that you can't accept ANY view if it doesn't fit into a predetermined set of responses, then the filters have rendered you incapable of processing anything new.

I am willing to bet, for example, that at least one person - having read this - will read about half (or less) of #2, and assign the idea to "privilege" or "rational anarchy" or what have you, because their filters have become so ingrained that they have to pound everything into a round hole, no matter how square it is.

Is that any way for a human to act?  Basically, you are willingly allowing yourself to act on programming as if you were a computer.  And since you act on this programming, can you see an idea or the world you live in as it actually is?  Obviously not.

One shocking truth (all the more shocking because it came from Robert Anton Wilson) is "The universe was not set up for the convenience of domesticated primates".  Humans being what they are, this truth is unacceptable, so humans run out and invent religions, and wind up burning at the stake anyone who insists that this truth is actually self-evident.

As much as we all enjoy a good sneer at people who do that, we ourselves do it all the time.  The universe presents us with facts...But we're so comfortable and in love with our preconceived notions and programming that we warp our own perceptions until we can't see the facts that blow holes in our lovely theories.  Good examples of this are supply side economics, the free market, communism, anarchy, any engineering issues, and people who bet like fans in the playoff series.

The universe, of course, punishes you for this sort of thing.  Not like an angry God would, but simply by allowing yourself to stick your own neck in a noose.  The consequences of betting like a fan involve a light bank account and humiliation by your peers, people who believe in "the free market" tend to lose their arses to people who know better, and communists, libertarians, and anarchists always find themselves alone at parties, because they tend to be hopeless evangelizers, and who the hell wants THAT when you're fucked up on rum and looking for some dirtyfun?  The penalties for ignoring engineering realities tend to be brutally self-evident, and occur much faster...just google "The Tacoma Bridge Failure" (Rumors that this was simply the inherent evil of Northwestern bridges notwithstanding.).

A few facts that might help break this conditioning:

1.  Humans are not efficient.  This is immutable.  Ask yourself, "When was the last time someone dealt with me efficiently?"  How did it make you feel?  Humans are social creatures, and "social" is the enemy of efficiency.  If your system or idea requires humans to be efficient, it will fail.  This rules out communism, the free market, and libertarianism.

2.  Humans automatically form "tribes".  This is hardwired right into the backs of our brains.  When there are 8 or more humans involved, they will form cliques, which lead to factions, which lead to tribes, which lead to governments.  This is as sure as the fact that the sun will rise.  This rules out anarchism.

3.  Humans do NOT do what's in their best interests.  Anyone who has ever seen Murphy's Law in action - in it's original form - knows this (the original version was "If there's more than one way to do a job, and one of those ways will result in disaster, then somebody will do it that way.").  Another good truth to consider is Finagle's Law:  Perversity (the tendency to do what is patently NOT in your best interest) tends to a maximum.  Consider, for example, the schmoe making $20K/year screaming for a flat tax.  It's going to bankrupt him, but he's been taught that a progressive tax is "unfair" to the wealthy.  This truth prohibits a free market, libertarianism, and rational anarchy.

4.  Humans do NOT do what's best for the group.  Anyone who has worked for the government or a large corporation knows this.  People tend to be petty and inefficient, and will make short-sighted decisions 999 times out of a thousand.  Consider the subprime mortgage clusterfuck...Which required monumental fuckups of truly titanic proportions, which of course both the government and corporations fell all over themselves to commit.  I propose that neither corporations nor governments are any more capable than each other, and anyone who knee-jerks to the contrary need only compare the American car companies' failures to the failure of our government to simply balance a budget.  This rule prohibits communism and libertarianism.

5.  Teenagers ARE going to fuck.  This rule can't be changed without neutering the entire teenage population.  This probits silly shit like "Abstinence Only Birth Control", which deserves a mention.  What I mean by this rule is that people ARE going to follow biological imperatives before religious or social imperatives, and can explain a lot more behavior than Palin's daughter and kids like her.

These are only five examples, and by themselves trash the cherished beliefs of about 45% of the population.  That 45%, of course, will continue to believe and in fact act on those beliefs, just as another 54% will continue to act on equally silly beliefs.

The question is, do you plan to be part of that 99%, or can you train yourself to be part of the 1% that is willing to take the bull by the tail and stare the unpleasant facts in the face?  Do you have the GUTS to toss your pet theories when the universe demonstrates that they are wrong?  Can you bring yourself to think of something NEW, or at least LOOK at something new?  My idea may also be wrong, and I'm willing to see if it can be logically disproven, but before you can apply logic to that idea or anything else, you're going to have to take the blinders off.

Can you do that?

Okay for now,
Dok

http://www.net-a-porter.com/product/65937#

$1625.00 Tee shirt.  No shit.

Looks like this.



$1625.00.

http://mediamatters.org/research/201002040060

Fox News personalities' pattern of violent rhetoric

John Stossel

Stossel said he has "Barney Frank in effigy" hanging above his sofa. In a February 3 interview with New York magazine, when Stossel was asked, "What's hanging above your sofa?" he responded: "Barney Frank in effigy." [New York, 2/3/10]

Glenn Beck

Beck portrays Obama, Democrats as vampires, suggests "driv[ing] a stake through the heart of the bloodsuckers." Beck aired a graphic portraying Obama and Democrats as vampires and said: "The government is full of vampires, and they are trying to suck the lifeblood out of the economy." Beck then suggested "driv[ing] a stake through the heart of the bloodsuckers." [Fox News' Glenn Beck, 3/30/09]

Beck talks about "put[ting] poison" in Pelosi's wine. On the August 6, 2009, edition of this Fox News show, Beck stated:

BECK: So, Speaker Pelosi, I just wanted to -- you gonna drink your wine? Are you blind? Do those eyes not work? There you -- I want you to drink it now. Drink it. Drink it. Drink it.

I really just wanted to thank you for having me over here to wine country. You know, to be invited, I thought I had to be a major Democratic donor or a longtime friend of yours, which I'm not.

By the way, I put poison in your -- no, I -- I look forward to all the policy discussions that we're supposed to have -- you know, on health care, energy reform, and the economy. [Glenn Beck 8/6/09]
Beck: "To the day I die, I am going to be a progressive hunter." Telling his listeners that they "are going to learn so much on Friday," Beck compared himself to "Israeli Nazi hunters" and commented: "I'm going to find these big progressives and, to the day I die, I'm going to be a progressive hunter." He added:

BECK: I'm going to find these people that have done this to our -- you know, to our country, and expose them. I don't care where -- I don't care if they're in nursing homes. I'm going to expose what they have done and make sure that the people understand, because our Constitution, our republic -- if it survives -- it will only survive because the people are waking up and through the grace of God, because we are that close to losing our republic. [Premiere Radio Networks' The Glenn Beck Program, 1/20/10]
Beck: "Grab a torch." Asserting that politicians are addicted to spending, Beck stated: "When do we ever run those who are bankrupting our country and literally stealing our children's future out of town? Grab a torch." [Glenn Beck, 1/6/10]

Bill O'Reilly

O'Reilly: "f I could get my hands on Tiller -- well, you know. Can't be vigilantes. Can't do that. It's just a figure of speech." On the November 6, 2006, broadcast of his radio show, Bill O'Reilly said of the late Dr. George Tiller: "f I could get my hands on Tiller -- well, you know. Can't be vigilantes. Can't do that. It's just a figure of speech." [Westwood One's The Factor with Bill O'Reilly, 11/6/06]

Dick Morris

Morris: "Those crazies in Montana who say, 'We're going to kill ATF agents because the UN's going to take over' -- well, they're beginning to have a case." During a long conspiracy theory about a "super-national authority" that will oversee U.S. financial institutions, Morris asserted that because Obama's policies are "internationalist ... [t]hose crazies in Montana who say, 'We're going to kill ATF agents because the UN's going to take over' -- well, they're beginning to have a case." [Fox News' Your World with Neil Cavuto, 3/31/09]

Ralph Peters

Peters stated that if a Taliban-held soldier is a deserter, "the Taliban can save us a lot of legal hassles and legal bills." Peters, who repeatedly appeared on Fox News to discuss the attempted bombing, asserted of Pfc. Bowe Bergdahl, who was captured by the Taliban in June 2009 and appeared in two Taliban propaganda videos: "[W]e know this private is a liar; we're not sure if he's a deserter." Peters added that if he is a deserter, "the Taliban can save us a lot of legal hassles and legal bills." NBC's Jim Miklaszewski subsequently reported that the Pentagon said Peters' comments "could endanger" the captured soldier. [Fox News' America's News HQ, 7/19/09]

Michael Scheuer

Scheuer: "The only chance we have as a country right now is" for bin Laden to "detonate a major weapon" in U.S. Scheuer, who has frequently appeared on Fox News as a terrorism expert, said during an appearance on Glenn Beck, "The only chance we have as a country right now is for Osama bin Laden to deploy and detonate a major weapon in the United States." [Glenn Beck, 6/30/09]

Dear Glorious Faggot,

Yesterday, I sent a part out to be rubberized.  On the requisition, I wrote "I need this back as soon as is possible.  We have a product stream down."

In this morning's meeting, I asked the buyer when we would get the part back.  He replied with Friday.  I asked him why so long, considering the urgency of the situation, and he replied "Well, you didn't give me a date, so I told them to get to it when they could."

How can I impress upon him that "as soon as possible" does not mean "whenever the vendor has nothing else to do"?  Bear in mind that I have a complete machine shop and 7 angry bikers at my disposal, and can contract more if necessary.

Love and kisses,
Dok

On this date, 235 years ago, Patrick Henry stuck his head in a noose (damn near literally), and told the King of England to kiss his spotty arse...and thus "Or Kill Me" was born as a concept, though he had in fact phrased it "or give me death".

"Taking any false premise to its logical conclusion gives a good approximation of insanity."
- Albert Einstein.

The problem with most political theories is that they're composed mostly of wishful thinking, and a belief requirement that most organized religions would be envious of.  For example, talk a little smack about democracy, and you'll see fanaticism that was identical to the monarchists of old.  Divine Right used to be the rallying cry; now it's "50%+1".  We've all seen how well that works.

Communism, for example, requires that the majority of domesticated primates will do what's best for the group, rather than themselves.  Likewise, Libertarianism fails to acknowledge Finagle, and operates under the assumption that individuals will do what's in their own best interests, and disregards all evidence to the contrary.  Rational Anarchism assumes that monkeys won't form increasingly complex tribes.

Base your actions on a faulty premise, get a faulty result.  You can bank on this the way you can bank on the fact that the sun will come up in the morning.

However, good luck convincing anyone of this.  Political theories in general, and the above three in particular, are basically the religion of their adherents...Who WILL see things as they want them to be, not as they are.  All three of the above examples are utter failures, and always will be, but there is never any shortage of people determined to worship at their altars anyway, for the same reason people in Kansas refuse to believe that the world is older than 6000 years, isn't flat, and wasn't put here for us to rape like a passed out sorority girl at a Tailhook convention.

They will argue justice, or liberty, or equality...All noble concepts, to be sure, but they will then argue that their flawed reasoning will somehow bring about these things.   Antoine Lavoisier could tell you how these things usually work out.

Here's the deal:  Domesticated primates can't operate without a system of governance, and no system of governance is perfect.  As societies become more complex, the imperfections in any given system of governance become aggravated, until finally the system fails.  The following period of anarchy isn't pretty at all, contains no liberty, justice, or equality, and invariably is replaced by the monkeys left in the aftermath.  Minarchism/Libertarianism fails for the same reason...They are systems that cannot abide complexity.

As I have said before, any political theory that demands "purity" from monkeys is doomed.  The less purity required, the more robust the system (You can, of course, take this too far).

So what to do?  Few systems work, the ones that do don't work for long, and are invariably corrupted by the very societies they govern.  The answer, of course, is to let the monkeys have their systems, and figure out how to remain autonomous within that system.  I'm going to twist the meaning of the "Temporary Autonomous Zone" just a bit, and make it more resemble the Speakeasys of the prohibition era. 

Or:  Have your fun, just don't let the monkeys know about it.  Fact is, the very complexity that causes the monkey's systems to fail also allows you to operate under their radar.  I'll be talking more about this in installment #2.

Okay for now,
Dok

I keep trying to take pictures of the Catalina Mountains from the Lambert Street Pass, which is about 10-12 miles away, but gives you an excellent view.

Problem:  Stupid digital camera doesn't capture the colors of the mountains at sunset.  It's all muted.  Is there any way to get around this without going back to a film camera?

There will be repercussions.   

She woke me up at 3AM for some horrorsex.  Why was it horrorsex?  Because she had the laptop next to the bed, with - you guessed it - BEARFORCE 1, which she had been told about on IRC last night, playing louder than fuck while she did improper things to me.

I am scarred, sir.  Scarred.  And I blame you.



Dok,
May stop shaving, and get me some golf shirts.

We had a rainbow in Tucson, last week.  Pretty as hell, arching from my side of the Catalinas, over my house, and on towards Piccachu.  That was the day the winter rains - and thus the winter - ended.  Now the skies are blue as a sapphire, and the punishing sun is cooking everything into a fine powder again.

"IT'S SPRING TIME!", scream The Dirty Boys on Grant Road, as they hammer their kickstarters and go roaring off looking for hipster pedestrians to lash with bicycle chains.  The students at the university are into it, too, as they go about half-clothed, and the police cite anyone they catch eyeballing the young ladies.  Filthy perverts learn to get good looks with their peripheral vision again, while said students prepare to abandon their pets for spring break.  There will be a brisk business at the pound, and bumper sales for the sodium pentathol salesmen...it's just another sign of winter's grey days leaving us.

It's springtime in the high desert, Dimo.  Everthing's in bloom.  It's so beautiful that I can't stop screaming.

So, Iptuous, there's this old flag outside of my office.

It's about 3 years old, in the Arizona sun, so it's faded and kinda shredded on the end.  The American Legion would say it's a disgrace, of course, and that we should take it down and put up a clean, vibrant one right off the boat from China.

But not me, man.  I like it that way, it is a closer representative of America the way it is...Worn, uncared for, ragged around the edges.  The only way to make it more appropriate would be to wrap it around the naked, festering torso of a used up meth whore down on 12th.

That flag isn't America, Ippie, I am.  I am the last American, at least in this forgotten corner of the country.  I believe the same things that Ben Franklin and Patrick Henry believed, and I understand that the whole basis of liberty and the rule of law is that these things exist so that people can enjoy their lives more, in the miserably short period of time they have on this mudball.

I say I am the last American, sir, because everyone else has gotten lost.  The republicans no longer even pretend to care about liberty, the dems believe that liberty is something you mandate, and the libertarians believe that liberty is a counting house stub.  Obviously, they are all utterly wrong.  Taxation has about as much to do with liberty as does your heating bill, and you can't "protect freedom" by restricting it to the people with the Right Values™.  

And the man on the street?  Pffft.  The man on the street has bought into one of the above philosophies, or is too apathetic to care.  Just look around you.

So, yeah, that leaves me...the freak in the desert who has a head full of broken glass, a jeep full of guns, and some pretty disturbing ideas of what counts as fun on a Saturday night, usually involving perverts and violence.  THAT'S America, and don't let the Calvinists tell you any different.  They are bad people, Ippie, and they are most definitely NOT on your side.

But there's plenty of room in America, the real America, for anyone who can drop the programmed brainwashing and concentrate on working hard and playing harder.  We don't want to hear about Obama or Ron Paul, or any of those other sellouts.  We want to hear your story...What you've done, where you've been, Where you're going...not what you've been told.

No, if you want to live based on what you've been told, put your soul in a jar, and leave it under the stairs...There's also always room there, as you may well guess.  Just forget you're YOU, and let those others tell you that their way is superior to the other ways, and that the greatest sin, the greatest treason, is to fail to fit into one of the three operational paradigms that have been prepared for you.

Maybe you'll be happy that way.  Maybe the politics of the humans will suffice to keep you moving, keep you productive, while they eat you from the toes up.  I hope that's not what you chose (Or are stuck in, some people really CAN'T give up the beliefs that they have been imbued with.).

No, Iptuous, I hope you choose that ratty old flag out front, and all the good times it promises, to those who have remembered how to listen to it, instead of to demagogues and all the filth they carry with them.

Okay for now,
Dok

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dNT-sc1ymEM&feature=related

Yeah.  It's like that.

Dok,
Does this shit because it's funny, and because he can.

...I just puked on the engineer.  Again (I did this last year).

Because he was bloviating between me and the bathroom.  Again.

It was announced today that 50 school districts nation-wide, including two in Arizona will be going to a four-day school week.  Days will not be lengthened, nor will the school year be extended.  The long, slow slide into the slime continues.

How did it happen, Richter?  How did we go from being the last, best hope for mankind, to a slow shuffle into third-world status?  Sure, I know about the banking crisis, and two endless, meaningless wars that are transferring what's left of the treasury into the pockets of a few fat oligarchs...But why are we putting up with it?

I'd like to think we used to be a bit smarter than this.

And it's not like we weren't warned, right?  Ben Franklin was amused and pessimistic, Patrick Henry screamed and hollered, and no matter how long they beat Thomas Paine, he kept yelling until they tipped him into his grave.  They even stole his bones, because nobody likes a smartass.

So I'm wondering, Richter, as we continue our slow downward spiral, what Nathan Hale would say today.  Was it worth getting hanged over?  For that matter, what would John Jay or Curly or Thomas Jefferson say?

Please return your seat to its fully upright position.

HO HO HO!



Other than stickering the bejaysus out of the courthouse itself, and deliberately attempting to get on a jury to fuck with the system as a whole, any ideas for the Dok?

Ima use FLStudio9 to mix Pink, Lady Gaga, Tori Amos, and Nina Simone.

If I'm not out by tomorrow, it means my brain has raped me to death in a paroxysm of lust.

Lillies on coffin, pls.

Dok,
Doing this shit for SCIENCE!

Jim, I'm not doing the "Surprise Me Eris", because I don't have to.  My life is already rife with chaos, and while too much is still better than not enough, there's still sometimes too much.

If someone had told me this time last year that I would have been in the cardiac ward twice, had a brain virus, wrecked my motorcycle, and developed an unhealthy partnership with Big Pharma, I would have laughed.  If someone had also told me that my relationships with my best E-buddy and a few of my close IRL friends would be severely damaged for reasons that nobody can properly explain, I'd have punched them out.  If someone had told me that I'd be back with Maria, I probably would have been depressed by the notion that it was impossible...and if someone had told me that I'd take up stupid shit like bare knuckle boxing, sunroofing, and hanging out with real perverts, I would have just looked at them funny.

You may have noticed that in the Millions of Screaming Yahoos era, I was typically observing or caught up in weirdness, but was usually not really happy about the events that occurred.  But that's not how it is now, Jim...Now I can't get enough, and my life has turned into a roller coaster ride of serious medical problems, cheap thrills, and debauchery, and I just have to see what's next.  I can't help myself.  I have become that weirdest of creatures, an adrenaline junkie.  

So why should I ask Eris to surprise me?  She already does it, each and every day.  And I kind of like it.  I know Maria does...Sure, she gets mad at some of the dumber things, but I can tell by the way she behaves that she's digging it hard.

So after four very close brushes with death in less than 365 days, I have to ask myself "What do I want to do with this life that I shouldn't still have?"...and I think you know the answer, Jim.  Since I'm living on bonus time, the only proper thing to do is take more stupid chances, find ever-stranger things and people to get all weird with, and take this short time I have on this planet, AND TAKE IT TO THE WALL.  MAKE them ask themselves "Who's afraid of Doktor Howl?".

Why else would I still be here, if not to surprise Eris?  Be true to The Lady, and she'll be true to you.  Asking her is both insufficient and unnecessary.  Don't ASK for the weird, BE THE FUCKING WEIRD!

Ad fundum, jackass!

Okay for now,
Dok

It's kind of like breaking the surface, you know?  For what seems like eternity, you're lost in a dark horrible place, where every innocous comment is a sly dig, and every laugh you hear is directed at you.  You're completely isolated, because you're absolutely convinced that all your friends are enemies, and that people are taking time out of their day to make you miserable.

Then one day, some guy with a lot of letters after his name actually looks at the problem, instead of just throwing pills at you, and finds something horribly, horribly wrong...but not unfixable.  So he actually treats the problem, and before you know it, the blinding headaches are gone and you can actually see daylight again.  You're not all the better yet, of course, but you're you again.  And maybe that guy tells you that you'll never be 100% again, but that's not so bad, right?  I mean, you've seen 20%, so 90% doesn't look that bad, does it?  Hell no.

Then you look around you, and most of your friends are still there (They've been there all along, even if for a while you thought they were actively trying to hurt you, because your thought processes were completely off track.), even though your behavior didn't warrant their sticking around.  And maybe you start realizing that you only have two things in this world worth mentioning:  Your health and your friends.

So I thought I'd maybe, you know, thank those of you who put up with my weird-ass shit last month.  Almost without exception, you all tolerated my bizarre outbursts and paranoid bullshit, and I can pretty much guarantee that I'll stick by you when times get tough, just as you did for me.

Not that this should be construed as a retraction of my stated goal of destroying the planet, of course.

Okay for now,
Dok

This last weekend was a failure, LMNO.  First, Daruko and Von Melee kick off Coffee Night with Irish carbombs and about a metric ton of whacky tabaccy, and went comatose.  Then on Saturday, the pervert bar was closed for a private party (Do you really want to know?  I don't.).  4th Avenue was likewise a bust, since they have thrown out all the insane street preachers and other freaks (Thanks for ruining it, Mayor Walkup, you hopelessly corrupt old ward-heeling hack!).

Sure, we stickered the hell out of The City, but where was the weirdness, now that I finally needed it?  Having spent a week and change lying in bed, I needed something more than seeing a 400 pound woman in spandex, wearing a shirt that says "YOU CAN'T HAVE THIS!"  Really, Alphapance, I expect obesity and stupidity, but I need more.  I MUST have more.

Getting back to the house, we found Kaz and Ken dueling with BB guns, and I spent a half an hour digging BBs out of their flesh (pics in Spagbook).  What the fuck is this shit?  That isn't my Slack™.  That isn't my Saturday night.

Dammit, man, I can't ask for what I need, because I don't know what I need, I only know that I need it, and I need it NOW.  And in large quantity.  And it should go fast, or explode, or both.  I need more guns.  And a harpoon (still).  And loud fucking music.

I NEED MY SATURDAY NIGHT, LMNO, AND I NEED TO KICK THE RECTUMS OUT OF THE BASTARDS THAT STOLE IT FROM ME!  I WILL HAVE MY REVENGE ON THE SLACK™-SUCKING BASTARDS THAT HAVE TORN ALL THE FUN OUT OF THIS SHITHOLE TOWN, AND THEN I WILL PISS ON THE ASHES OF WHATEVER IS LEFT.

I wasn't built for this tame shit, man.  I need perverts and noise and maybe a bit of violence.

Okay for now,
Dok.

"Roger, I'm sick of your shit."

Well, I'll have you all know that my shit is prized as a valuable defense commodity.  Sprayed over a tank, it makes the vehicle both shell-proof and immune to infantry assaults.  When applied to infantrymen, it protects them from IEDs.

In some cultures, my shit is collected and kept in special huts.  The tribe possessing the biggest pile of my excrement is the object of every other tribe's envy, and they laugh at the other tribes' puny piles.  Rumors have it that the least of my butt nuggets can be used to dowry off three ugly daughters.

Also, the last time I was constipated was November of 2008, and the economy is still, well, in the crapper.  I have heard that there is a movement - if you'll pardon the expression - to take America off of fiat currency, and put it on the poop standard.

So I trust we'll hear no more complaints when I befoul your toilet to such an extent that the house takes serious structural damage.  Just think of your bathroom as sitting on a gold mine.  And you can always get more cats.

Nobody is sick of my shit.

Okay for now,
Dok

...IS NOT SUPPOSED TO RAIN NON-STOP IN A DESERT.

GENUINE

Justin Bieber:  http://www.vevo.com/watch/justin-bieber/baby/USUV71000127  <--- heave warning.

Justin Bieber is REAL because he has Blacks and Hispanics around him, helping him get his girl back.

AUTHENTIC

Justin Timberlake:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nJHYDkvRB2Y&feature=related  

Justin Timberlake is REAL because he carts a dozen Black guys around with him to tell you how REAL he is before he performs.

THE REAL DEAL

Taylor Swift:  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yCMqcFAigRg

Taylor Swift is REAL because she plays guitar.  Well, not really.  But mimes it.  That's pretty REAL.

I have successfully passed all the qualifying events:

1.  "Made Sexy Time" with Courtney Love, bareback.

2.  Stuffed kimchee up my nose and sang Neil Sedaka tunes.

3.  Touched myself inappropriately while watching the police beat a homeless man.

4.  Used a midget as a toilet plunger.

5.  Fucked the midget afterward.

I have also killed all the other contestants.  So you will of course be setting me up that date with Diabo for me, yes?  You welch on me this time, and I'll give that kid of yours the combination to the safe.  Yes, THAT safe.

Anxiously,
Doktor Howl

Winner of the first annual desert bare-knuckle boxing tourney, last Sunday.



I wasn't told about this in advance.



All the same, Nurse Mayhem apparently smacked a bitch up and then drank absinthe while she waited for the dust to settle.

D/N/T.

Well, after two years of serious illnesses, my great-uncle Bill has passed away.

Uncle Bill was a 5'5" giant of a man, who wasn't afraid of anything, and never - to my knowledge - ever made a shitty compromise in his whole life.  He spent his youth destroying Nazis in Africa and Europe, including the horrible Falaise Pocket battle, in which his artillery unit spent a night in a circular formation, direct-firing their 25 pounders into hordes of Germans, to keep them from escaping.

When I was a kid, he would only tell me that he was a cook.  He didn't tell me the whole story until I had enlisted in the infantry...He knew that war is blood and shit and death, not the lie they call "glory", and he didn't want to put ideas in my head, until after I had failed to heed his advice, and the advice of his brothers (ie, don't go in the military).

He later told me about the men he fought with, and he also explained that the Nazis actually won WWII...just not the German Nazis.  He was referring to people like Curtiss Lemay and "Tailgunner Joe" McCarthy and Ronald Reagan (he offered some Canadian names, too, like Big Joe Clark and his bunch, but most people in the states have never heard of them).  People who slithered into power while we weren't looking.

When I last saw him in person, about a year ago, he was having a chuckle at what America is doing to itself these days, and I asked him what he thought should be done about it.

"First you tell them 'No'", he said, "Then if they keep doing it, you make them hurt really bad, and repeat your answer."

I firmly believe that if he'd been here, and maybe a little younger, he'd have been doing just that.  He wasn't afraid of police (He and his brothers had the scars and the police records to prove it), and he wasn't afraid of what they could do to him. 

We used to have people like that, and if you make the mistake of reading what those people had to say, you'll spend the next year seething with hatred at the complacent shits all around you...and maybe even at yourself, because you know what's going on, and still you do nothing.

No, his kind are a vanishing breed, and I have this weird feeling that when they're gone, the Nazis will be back.  They may not wear black uniforms (maybe), but they're Nazis all the same.  Nazis don't ever actually leave, they just wait in the wings until the hard men and women are all gone.  It happened in Germany in the 1920s, and it's going to happen here, mark my words.

So goodbye, Bill, you ornery old son of a bitch, and I hope that you're now giving God a red ass about the state of affairs in heaven.  We'll try to muddle along here without you, and I hope you get a good laugh about it all.

- Dok

You know, Jim, if you don't find some way to secure yourself, you'll drift off like a derelict ship.  It's true...The currents are strong, these days, and the rocks are never very far away.  They're all covered in the wreckage of those whose anchor lines snapped, and they're so soaked in blood that the beachcombers have forgotten what it smells like.

Of course, there are various ways to secure yourself, which I'd like to briefly detail. 

1.  Anchors.  These are the people and things that keep you steady.  Maybe it's your wife or your kids, or maybe it's your job or your studies. 

2.  Shackles.  These are the things that keep you stationary in an undesirable way...the things that hold you back.  Maybe they're that friend who drags you down with him, or perhaps a job you hate but can't leave.  They still keep you off those rocks, but in a way that make the rocks look more attractive every day.

3.  Tethers.  These are like anchors, but you are also anchoring them.  This may be a friend who helps you, and receives help back, or maybe it's a devoted spouse that sticks with you, and gets back everything they give.

Note that many people or things may be in more than one catagory.  Take my case, for example...My daughter is both a shackle and a tether.  Her schooling requires that I stay in a city that I loathe, but she also looks after her old man, and of course I'd do anything for her.  Maria is both an anchor and a tether, because most of the time, she's holding my head above water, but on the few occasions she's needed me, I've been there.  Nurse Mayhem is definitely a tether, because she and I spend an awful lot of time laughing (much of which is directed at a shackle she happens to have).

My problem is that I'm running awfully low on securing devices of all kinds.  There's Keelin, Maria, and Nurse Mayhem, and that's currently about it.  Three points of contact aren't a whole lot, in fact they're the bare minimum, and you can believe me when I say that no matter how strong you are, you can't find your way without being able to see where you're going.  Without those anchors, you'll drift off into places I'd rather not describe...you may do that anyway...I know I have, but I've had those three lifelines to help me find my way back out of the nightmares and paranoia that lurk around in my skull.

I seem to remember having more, once upon a time...a friendship that went sour (the person is still my friend, but more in an acquaintance type of way) because I was a shackle to that person rather than a tether...Other friends that moved away, or died, or said things in a moment of anger that wound you so badly that you can't ever look at them the same way.  One major anchor chain snapped the other night, when my great uncle Bill died.  I'll be writing a separate piece about him, because he rates it.

Obviously the thing to do is to gain more anchors and tethers.  Pick myself up and start rebuilding my life, and maybe spend a bit more time being a tether and a little less time being a shackle.

Well, that went a little longer than I intended, Jim, but time is short, and I wanted to get that out in the open.

Okay for now,
Dok Howl

Far be it from me to get between you and your chemical gratification.  As one who spends a significant amount of time figuring out new and interesting ways to abuse myself - with everything from synthetic valium to finding ways to actually get all fucked up on plain old caffiene - let me be the first to say, "Whatever turns you on".

However, I DO have a gripe with people who insist that substance abuse connects you to a higher plane, or makes you telepathic, or more creative.  Bullshit.  You're just all fucked up.  Likewise, people who use drugs to define themselves ("I'm a stoner") are equally guilty of being dumbasses.  So, to clarify things, I'm going to let you know what pot (and other drugs) are actually good for.

1.  Society uses pot to neutralize disruptive elements within itself.  Fact.  For most people, there's a can of beer or a shot of whiskey, but some have to think they're being bad or rebellious.  So The System made pot illegal, so these people can enjoy it more.  There's the added advantage that they can lock up a good percentage of these people...So you're either in jail or on the couch watching reruns of The Dukes of Hazard.  Either way, you aren't any trouble, in any way that counts.

2.  Getting fucked up for cheap physical gratification.  After all the excuses and rationalizations run out, this is why most potheads smoke pot, and why most pillheads take pills, etc.  WHY they make rationalizations is beyond me...I can respect a pot smoker who states that he does it for this reason, but not someone who feels they have to explain a higher meaning to their self-indulgences.

3.  Getting fucked up to forget your problems.  Yeah, see you under the bridge.

4.  Getting fucked up to identify with "the culture".  Kill yourself.

5.  Getting fucked up as a side effect of the use of a drug for legitimate medical reasons:  Bonus for you.

That's pretty much it.  If you smoke dope, etc, you fit into one or more of the above catagories, regardless of what excuses you may have for your actions, so please stop trying to evangelize or convince anyone of the PSYCHIC POWERZ you get when you fuck yourself up for an evening or a week.

Thank you for your time.

http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/TheNudifier

I know you can already do this, but we need this in pistol form.

Yesterday, while I was soldering the first connections on my optical stunner, it occurred to me that the world isn't ready for you, Kai.  They aren't ready for understanding the rules of how the universe works...because the universe is a cold, empty place, and even contemplating it sets off all their primate rage instincts.

No, Kai, you are doomed to be the scapegoat of the Know-Nothings, the Tea Partiers, and the corporate interests that want to keep the population ignorant.  With this in mind, I am here to attempt to convert you to Mad Science.  Allow me to explain the benefits, as they compare to regular science:

1.  Regular scientists drive sensible transportation.  Mad scientists drive chopped hearses with built in weaponry.

2.  Regular scientists define a wild party as three different bean dips.  Mad scientists define a wild party as fighting the giant squid in the basement.

3.  Regular scientists go on a date, and it's dinner and a movie.  Mad scientists just strap their date to the slab and get busy.

4.  Regular scientists retire at 70.  Mad scientists go down swinging when the hero blows up their base (and we usually escape to menace the world later on, with cybernetic parts replacing the bits we lost).  Pissing yourself in the old folks home, or howling in fury in a burning/collapsing/self-destructing volcano hideout?  You choose.

5.  Regular scientists ride those silly backwards bikes to stay in shape.  Mad scientists wear a full body waldo and throw cars around while laughing maniacally.  Laughing maniacally, Kai.  When's the last time you did that?

6.  Regular scientists secretly yearn to be mad scientists.  Mad scientists secretly yearn to CONQUER THE WORLD WITH AN ARMY OF RADIOACTIVE GORILLAS!

People fear science, Kai.  But who's afraid of a mad scientist?  Fucking nobody.

Good morning, my little exploding anal beads of corruption.  It seems The Good Reverend Roger has "lost his shit" in a big way, and died of his own stupidity in Oro Valley Hospital, some time over the last day and a half.  But fear not, for I have been reborn, like unto a buzzard rising from its own poop.

First order of business:  As I am now out of the Holy Man^TM business, I bequeath my Rain God title and all other holy offices, vestments, and/or Horrorsex equipment unto Payne, for the conversion of the heathens in Scotland.  America has no use for Holy Men^TM.  Trust me on this...We Doktors know a hopeless case when we see one.  As such, I am retiring the TGRR moniker for good.  I needed to change my outlook anyway, as the one I had was no longer big enough.

Second order of business:  I'd like to offer a heartfelt and public apology to Nigel, concerning the accusations of "betrayal" I had made.  This was nothing more than an exhaustion-driven paranoia that caused me to read some drivel in a PM from Yatto, and interpret it as details of a plot to make me miserable.  This was obviously not the case, and I am very sorry.  Nigel didn't deserve that.

Third order of business:  The bickering.  Okay, everyone's pissed and howling.  I kind of like that.  But consider that you are howling at the wrong people.  Your aim is sloppy, and there's no excuse for that.  After all, it's not like any of you get along with normal people...If you did, you wouldn't be a Discordian.  So why shit in your own nest?  Because you're bored?  Because content stagnated?  Because you need the attention?  Because it's February, and you don't know what else to do?  That's monkey behavior.  You are not a robot, so stop operating off of programming.  Consider:  You have a limited time on this planet, and you will only find so many people that you can get along with...and it's always later than you think.  Time is fucking short.  It took dying for me to figure that out, but there's no need for you to re-invent the wheel.

So, that's that.  But where do things go from here?  

Well, I'd like to learn how to use Radio Free Discordia, because I have some things to say, and I am no longer satisfied with the written word as a medium.  Nurse Mayhem and I will be putting up some new artwork - including spiffy new avatars to reflect our Mad Scientist approach to things, and possibly - if you ask Nursey very nicely - making avatars for people who agree with the things we're about to yell.  Oh, yes...and finding a practical way to destroy the city of Tucson, Arizona, because that's the sort of thing cartoon villians do.  

Who's afraid of Doktor Howl?  Fucking nobody.