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Messages - Doktor Howl

Pages: [1] 2 3 4 ... 2011
Apple Talk / Re: Edicts
« on: May 10, 2021, 09:56:03 pm »
I'm enjoying the hell out of this.

the spinoff series, not as good as the original, as requested


Cain or Faust, can you split this little bigot's bullshit out of my thread?


What the fuck is wrong with you?

Supposedly there's a 330 million ton, half a mile fatberg somewhere under the UK they're dealing with. Gross. I'd never heard of a fatberg until I read this thread.

There is really nothing more horrible than a fatberg, and the fact that there is a 330 Mn ton one in existence gives me peace and contentment.

Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

I think more analysis is needed before dismissing this as unprofitable.  A full outfitted Smart Cow costs, what, $3000?  But how much bomb can you get for a measly $3k?  That would barely get you a 50-gallon plastic drum filled with black powder. In terms of shock-and-awe-to-cost ratio, I think the cow comes out ahead.  It also meshes nicely with the Air Force's fetish for multirole systems.  It's a bomb!  It's a lawnmower!  It's what's for supper!

You might need more "value added" beyond the laser pointer and the webcam, though.  Maybe equip the cow with a drone launcher.  Wasn't teaching the drones to identify livestock part of an earlier project?  They could be configured to attack everything non-cow.  The sight of a uniformed cow grazing placidly amidst a swarm of hot death wouldn't be good for enemy morale.

First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.
I've heard a theory that Reagan successfully employed that tactic against the Soviets during the Cold War, although it wasn't intentional on his part.

If I was president, nobody would ever sleep again.

Me:  "I have been considering the idea of a Smart Cow."

Dan:  "A what?"

Me:  "Weaponized cattle."

Dan:  "How does that work?"

Me:  "You take a cow and duct tape a laser pointer to one side of its head, and a webcam to the other side.  Then you drop it out of a bomber on your enemy's house."

Dan:  "..."

Me:  "This has many benefits.  First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.  Second, it shows complete disdain for his air defenses.  'We're so not afraid of you that we penetrated your SAM network to drop livestock on your house.'  Third, if you actually get the bastard, there is no funnier way to off a foreign head of state.  Fourth, it provides food to the people your enemy is oppressing."

Dan:  "You're a raving loon."

Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

Me:  "Son of a bitch."

Apple Talk / Re: 10 Points to Ponder. Or Kill TGRR.
« on: May 06, 2021, 04:23:42 am »

Oh, hi RWHN.

Bye, RWHN.

Only Maybe Arts Lab / Re: WEIRDOVERSE
« on: May 04, 2021, 04:02:45 pm »

Apple Talk / Re: Discordian Grin: Old School Discordians.
« on: April 28, 2021, 07:03:13 pm »
Salut à vous, Hervé et Hélène sont très sympa et très bien accueilli par les enfants du temps et des fois c'est très sympa comme idée mais je ne sais pas si tu veux venir avec moi au cours du tout.  :oops: :lulz:



Literate Chaotic / Re: Zen and the art of...
« on: April 25, 2021, 05:29:32 am »
Just a short snippet from a book I'm working on, entitled Zen and the Art of Riding the Bus:

In my town, there is a Scottish Zen monk who dresses all in robes of tartan plaid; unlike the yellow-orange robes the other monks wear.  When asked why, he invariably responds, "Is the Buddha only to be found in saffron, or may he inhabit the thistle as well?"

Is he the cool kind of Buddhist who whacks people with sticks, or just the regular kind?

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: April 20, 2021, 06:56:16 pm »
Jared from accounting:  "Your bottom line is too high."

Me:  "And so?"

Jared:  "That's bad."

Me:  "It's irrelevant."

Jared:  "What, no..."

Me:  "Sorry your MBA instructors lied to you.   When taken at the end of the fiscal year, the bottom line means nothing.  Nothing at all.  All that matters is margin.  How is our margin?"

Jared:  "Pretty good, really, but..."

Me:  "But shut up."

Jared:  "..."

Me:  "What matters at the end of the year is how much money we have.  That is dictated by margin.  The difference between the top and bottom lines.  If you insist on making category errors by making a single part of the equation the defining metric, you will start losing money.  Sooner rather than later."

Jared:  "But..."

Me:  "Do I have to explain to you the difference - and the results thereof - between 'money' and 'no money'?  You can save yourself right out of business, if you're diligent and work hard enough."

Jared:  "You can't just keep spending money."

Me:  "I can.  I will.  When my margin drops, then you can bitch.  I might even listen.  Until then, I consider you to be a failure at basic algebra.  You have x revenue minus y expenses to get z profit.  You are looking at the equation as if x were a constant, so you are trying to reduce y, when y is what allows you IN THE REAL WORLD to increase x more than you increased y.  This is in fact the ENTIRE BASIS OF HOW A COMPANY WORKS."

Jared: "..."

Me:  "They didn't teach you that in MBA school?"

Jared:  "I don't have to take this shit from a jumped up grease monkey."

Me:  "The evidence suggests you do, and more than that, that you SHOULD.  But I think I get it.  Some dumbass up front - and I know which one - gave you a KPI based on the bottom line, right?"

Jared:  *mumble*

Me:  "I am ancient and vile and deaf as a post.  What was that."

Jared:  "Yes."

Me:  "I can fix that for you.  By which I mean, I can go carve a chunk out of his ass...Which is no more than he deserves for aiming some zygote MBA dweeb after me."

Walter:  *struggles to avoid laughter*

Me:  *glares at Walter*

Jared:  "What's with him?"

Me:  "Oh, a week back he said Voyager was perfectly good Star Trek, so I took his speaking privileges away for a month so that he can meditate on his error."

Jared:  "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Me:  "Nothing is wrong with me, except that I have a bean counter in my lab.  Now fuck off, if I catch you back here again, I'll turn you over to Emmy."

Jared:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Jared."

RPG Ghetto / Re: New campaign world notes
« on: April 20, 2021, 02:58:59 pm »
I always like a good old train heist, personally. Comes close to highway robbery in a fantasy setting, but that’s a good old Western trope itself, and if you’re knocking over a whole military caravan of goodies you can get the whole damn train heist vibe right there (have battlemages or similar on deck for the high value bastards and crossbow dorks for the low stakes pop-up target shootout). Not to mention the added bonus of the flavor of highwaymen robbing a stagecoach.

ETA: I should be clear, I was definitely talking more about the “running battle along the tracks, jump onboard, continue” style of train heist. The rubbish-on-the-rail type has its own charm, but it’s not nearly as distinctive.

It's an idea, thought what the train analog would be escapes me right now.

Think low fantasy. 

RPG Ghetto / Re: New campaign world notes
« on: April 20, 2021, 02:53:13 pm »
The Magnificent Seven would've been my go-to as well. In addition to being a classic western, it's also a classic D&D plot.

Oh, yes.  However, in arc 1, they don't know who the BBEG is.  Hell, they don't even know there IS a BBEG until arc 2. 

So arc 2 is when the mooks show up raiding.  Arc 3 they spend some time learning what's going on.

Aneristic Illusions / Re: General Trump hilarity free-for-all thread
« on: April 20, 2021, 02:50:21 pm »
Bringing back weregild, fighting with Vikings and promoting monasticism as a valid lifestyle.


I think they just mean "white folks".

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