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[NOTE: Previous applies to the paragraph copy-pasted into my last post in thread.]

Another crosspost. Shit changes, and even when it seems better, it's not. Crosspost begins below.

I've been struggling to have energy to even keep my closest people up to date on my life in addition to trying to pack through starvation. Here is a... belated update.

I have housing. It's not pretty, it's not roomy, it's not perfect, but it will keep me alive. Packing is happening now. Slowly, with a lot of difficulty.

I still completely stand by that last post I made, by the way. It was said under the duress of feeling the end looming overhead, but even now, out from under that particular shadow, yeah. The words are true and I would say them now if anyone asked the right question. I will gladly sign that letter from both sides of the spiral into abyss. It's truth, unfiltered. There are like, oh, two changes I'd make -- factual errors based in reasonable but false assumptions -- but they're irrelevant to the overall message there. Good post, me. NOTE: Previous applies to the paragraph copy-pasted into my last post in thread.

The only reason I'm posting that above part here is to close out the posts I made here previously.


In other, more on-topic news...


My cognitive abilities are in sharp, sharp decline. I am basically forced to be done with things like Mafia and most of my creative work, in addition to just never working again. COVID has ruined my body and my mind.

Hallucinations are common for me right now. Complex hallucinations: I hallucinated a sheet of paper had gotten into my laundry and I threw it out. Ten minutes later when I realized I didn't try to see if there was writing on it, the trash can was devoid of paper, but otherwise exactly like the last time I looked in it to throw the "paper" out. I saw it, felt it, heard it hit the trash bag, and it didn't exist. This is just the most recent example of a recurring theme: unusual but plausible objects I move out of my way that, it turns out later, do not exist.

On top of that, my ability to understand speech is so bad that common words are gibberish in my ears without a lot of effort. My memory is worse than it's ever been, and I already had a memory bad enough that things like early-onset dementia were in the conversation -- like two years ago. I have caught myself having (thankfully well-controlled) delusions of being conspired against in impossible or improbable ways by people in my life. I'm very, very, very grateful for the self-work I did that makes me always ask about agendas when my brain tries to assign blame or fault, that subconscious stop sign is probably the only reason I haven't fully fallen into one of those pits.

Bodily, I've been having MCAS-like symptoms when doing literally just any amount of work. I should note that I did not have MCAS-like symptoms at any point in my life before this. I will also note that these are a known symptom of long-COVID. And when I say "MCAS-like", I'm being extremely generous in how much variance there can possibly be. See, I can get things done in the morning, when my sleep-aid antihistamines are still active, but by mid-day I have to go to sleep or find a daytime antihistamine, or I will have regrets. The burning and itching and horrible nausea from such onerous tasks as "taking a shower" or "lifting a 5 pound box" at the wrong time is unreal. This in addition to severe though intermittent muscle weakness, various signs that seem uncannily EXACTLY like peripheral nerve damage in all limbs (something I'm directly familiar with, though previously only in one thumb, a few fingers and one knee/shin), nigh-permanent dehydration and malnutrition regardless of frequency of hydration and diet, and more, and more, and more.

It's bad. I'm feeling really bad looking at the future I have ahead of me, which seems to be just progressively uglier variations on a theme of "disability". I don't have people who will/can take care of me, and I'm rapidly losing the ability to take care of myself. I was disabled before, but only in relatively mild ways I could deal with pretty consistently. There's no "dealing with" this.

I'm 34 years old, thinking about care-takers, advance directives and end-of-life planning, because one fucker didn't mask when they went to the store my ex worked at. Think about that.

Fuck everyone who says COVID is over, fuck everyone who doesn't mask up.

I might be alive, for now, but I don't know how much that means anymore. I suppose I could get better before the next inevitable turfing-out occurs, whenever that occurs, but I'm no longer able to really have hope for specific good outcomes without specific reasoning behind it. I know I'll probably survive, but that doesn't mean anything because the unspoken second part of that is "right up until I don't." I know lots of people who care, but they're all as powerless as me.

I'm alive. For now. But.

But.


That's all.

Time's basically up. I've been trying, but I hit a wall and tonight I realized I was woefully optimistic. Hilariously optimistic.

I have a week to go and nowhere to jump to next.

I'll just copy-paste my retrospective on the life I have lived from elsewhere. This world doesn't deserve more effort from me.



Copy-paste begins below.


It's done. I'd say it's been good, but this life has been miserable for me. Everything I ever interacted with went to shit before my very eyes. I was forced to struggle for barebones animal survival from adulthood to death. I will be dead at half the age someone like me should. I saw a lot of things, fell in love with ideas and people, and watched everyone i care about suffer and wither away. And now I get to watch the precious few I have left mourn me before I'm even gone. The world is in shambles and has been in freefall since as early as I remember. I had joy, only to have it repeatedly stolen from me. I got partners, and they all left or died or ended up being pieces of shit (not my most recent ex, but a much earlier one). I got HRT and then lost healthcare after just long enough to see the start of the changes. I went through police violence and sexual assault. I have experienced so much medical suffering. I had more smear campaigns launched against me than anyone with my kind of profile ever should.

People have asked me for years now why I'm so bitter, angry, why I lash out, why I hate so much of this world and why I can't just shut the fuck up.

Look at the legacy of my life: an endless parade of trauma, abandonment, disappointment and suffering, capped by one last hurrah for unrewarded sacrifice, ableism and The Free Fucking Market.

If you can say you wouldn't be mad, I wish you the worst.

Everyone you know and love will die unhoused and sick.

You will see the rug pulled out from under you and you will be helpless. A lifetime of surviving in the end times will not be enough. You will understand hopelessness.

There will be no release for you, no matter how important you are to others.

If you are particularly fortunate, you will dance the tightrope of precarity to its very outer reaches, and you will have no one left for you as the next step is swallowed by void. You might see "small business owners" and other low-grade parasites falling into the great darkness with you. It won't help.

It's too late to change this. You had your chances three years ago. Now they know they can get away with whatever they want. They're lying to your face and telling everyone else that they're your friend. They are no longer pretending to be in opposition to the raving fascists on the "other side". The two man con is exposed, and they know it doesn't matter anymore.

Everyone you know and love will die abandoned and miserable, of plague and jackboots and starvation outside of Whole Foods. Every last one of them.

Me, those like me, we will all be forgotten in ten years. Don't resolve to remember -- you'll have more important matters to attend to then. Everyone will.

I've sent a ton of my personal projects to my friend Shelly. It's over in about two weeks, it looks like. If I get very lucky, it might go until June or July, but I'd need a thousand dollars for rent. That's... just unrealistic.

Yeah. That's it.

Update. Been sitting on this for about one week, because it sucks.

The COVID I got because Wal-Mart infected my live-in partner (well. more on that soon) demolished my health. I have long COVID. I went from "mildly disabled" to "most days, drinking water or rinsing a dish is too hard".

My live-in partner is now my ex. We are dying of poverty, and we will both be homeless if I don't leave in May. I don't want her to be on the streets, so I will in fact go.

I have no next steps left. Everyone has run out of the ability to help, and they can't even hope I could potentially contribute or become self-sufficient now, because I'm too broken. It's the last stop: some place in Wisconsin.

I have until May, plus change for however long I manage to scrabble out survival before COVID, cops or starvation catch up with me.

I forget if I owed anyone here anything. If I did, let me know. I can't promise I'll get to it, but I can promise I'll try.

I used to think this guy was ok...like Dave Letterman.
But then he started pushing his "Vax-Scene" which I originally thought was a mock.
BUT he was triple-dosed with the Clot-Shot. So obviously he was supporting it...in a "fun" way.
Supporting a fake vaccine that kills humans = ++ungood

I hereby revoke his status within Discordia.
Hail Eris...

Oh, man. I'm gonna give you one warning you don't deserve.

We are not your kind. You need to run. You need to run like your ass is on fire and the feral dogs of the neighborhood smell dinner. You need to proactively disable your access to this site permanently. For your own good.

Make your next post a flounce. Otherwise you might just become someone's hobby, you plague rat motherfucker.

Another fun alcohol experiment I've tried the results of was fermenting lime syrup. Cut up limes into sugar (and keep the peels and rinds on them) and wait until it turns to liquid. Add more sugar until the sugar stops dissolving. Take your resulting sugar-lime-concoction, do the normal SG etc stuff and brew it up. Start your yeast before adding it, it needs to already be pretty happy before it goes into the acid stew.

Make sure to stabilize when it's done, so it doesn't continue to ferment it to pure alcohol. You need some sweetness in there. Keep refrigerated, sealed and out of the light, or the flavors will degrade. But it's worth it.

Once you have this stuff, I recommend trying it straight first (It is truly delicious), then making a jank ass Cuba libre. My recipe is to build over ice in the glass with: a kitchen spoonful of second molasses, two or three ounces of the lime stuff, stir, and lengthen to full with Coca-Cola. It's insane to put the alcohol into the lime and separate the molasses out, but it tastes heavenly.

Try making an applejack. Freeze distillation is safe and accessible, and having a bottle of homemade high proof apple flavor is a precious joyous thing.

We have one brewing right now. Bunch of culinary apples, molasses, turbinado sugar simple syrup, and a sugar extraction from pomegranate (including oils and juices). It would be a boring cider, which makes it an ideal applejack. We plan to distill on dry ice when this insane yeast calms the fuck down, and I expect we can get to a 60% ABV. Backsweeten to 50% ABV with a strong simple syrup, bottle and enjoy. I plan on basically having molasses-applejack spritzes: dollop of molasses, ice, applejack, sparkling water, quick stir, enjoy.

We also have a perry-cider-something brewing up from culinary apples, pears, grapefruit, and white sugar. It'll be a really good drink when we stabilize and backsweeten, the grapefruit will provide the sour and bitter you want in a quality cider and the pears will add some good vegetal notes. I think it'll be good for summer evenings.



I always think slow. I think fast, too, but the two processes are begun simultaneously and I've learned to distrust the fast thoughts.

I'm glad to hear you're doing okay, TWJ. I'm... not doing so great, actually, but there's a chance I exit the USA soon and get some real healthcare, so that's something.

I recently found out that not only did I get scurvy a second time, breaking a promise I made to my recently-dead partner, but I also had CRIPPLING copper, Omega-3 and vitamin B-complex deficiencies. There's bound to be even more dire deficiencies we don't know about.

Coincidentally, a couple weeks before this, my live-in partner and I had received in our regularly fruitless trips to the food bank a bag of nondescript Powdery Stuff. It called itself Ka'Chava and claimed to be a superfood.

We can't afford all the supplements I need to survive. We get me Omega-3 and Vitamin C for now, and start working on figuring out how to feed someone so sick they can barely move. We come across The Stuff in the cupboard. It's nondescript powder and claims to be a superfood, we have some yogurt and I can just about swallow a thick paste, but chewing is at the edge. Fuck it, go for it. What the hell else can we do?

Oh. It's delicious. THAT'S weird.

Oh. It has enough of what I need that I'm covered for all but the vitamin C, actually. Even if there are other, secret deficiencies. That's ... exactly what I need.

It's been some days now. I have a scoop of this stuff in a small pile of yogurt every day, and I am rapidly recovering. It's been MONTHS since I've been able to stand up and do dishes on my own. Hell, I can rarely prepare my own food. Two days in a row, I've been able to do some dishes and cook my own food. Stand up without vertigo. Feel my fingers at all times. Insane. So, tonight, just before I tab over here, I decide to look up how much this stuff costs, because there's a lot left still but I kind of want to make sure I have it in stock. I have a fondness for it, given that it literally probably saved my life, and I'd very much love to get more.

80 dollars a bag. It's bougie celebrity health food protein shake bullshit. I cannot get more. But we got it from a food bank. A fucking food bank. For free. No money.

Whoever donated that to the food bank is, bizarrely, a fucking saint. Bougie health food is normally poison to a truly poor person. But this? This is shelf-stable nutritionally-dense supplement that tastes actually good. Could not have gone to a better home, actually, because I otherwise might be bedridden now.

Just. Wild shit.

I have had to beg up money for food for years on end now. I have had actual scurvy three times in the past three years. I have chronic malnutrition of so many forms that it's impossible to tell what is health problems (intrinsic) and what's just malnutrition.

I cannot find work for anything. My partner got a job at Walmart and is about to lose it because we caught COVID, and they want medical documentation that she has COVID while we have no healthcare nor money to get that proof, or they deny her FMLA claim and she gets fired.

We will guaranteed be homeless in March, as a result. We won't have rent because we pay the outrageous healthcare costs, or we won't have rent because we don't and she loses her job.

I have been homeless for most of my adult life. While homeless I have been assaulted, sometimes sexually and sometimes physically, by cops, by bigots, by random passersby. I have the legal protections of an acorn, or a piece of litter: no one cares what happens, so long as I'm out of sight.

Trans people are being genocided. We're being legislated out of existence in multiple states, where existing becomes a crime. Multiple high profile politicians have said that we should just be killed. They have the power and the support to get away with doing that, turning the existing-while-trans crimes into capital offenses.

I'm Jewish. I know of which I speak on genocide.

Finnius, I sincerely hope you suffer like I've suffered. I want you to wish for release. I want you to feel the churn between knowing that death is escape, but feeling that the human body is an animal devised over millions of years of skin-of-the-teeth survival, by any means necessary, against all odds. I want you to start to bleed out after being stabbed and watch everyone walk by giving your screaming, bloody body looks like could you keep it the fuck down? We're on our way to work, here. You're a disgrace. Die where we don't have to look at it.

Yudkowsky still hasn't learned. Also, he's hilarious to watch when viewed through the light of a "rational human being". He's a kook, and when you take him at his word, he even looks like one.

Offering two of my own variations, also revealed to me in a dream.

-Grind up sumac and caraway seed in a roughly 50/50 mixture. You will want to taste this to get it right. You will know when it's right when you have a religious experience that makes you sound like Lil Jon.
-Butter your toast, then spread honey over the butter.
-Add your WHAT to the HUH, enjoy with DAMN.

-Grind up cardamom and cinnamon in a roughly 50/50 mixture. You don't need to get this right, but I encourage tasting anyway. Yummy.
-Butter your toast, then spread molasses (do NOT use blackstrap) over the butter.
-Add your cardamom and cinnamon mixture to the toast, enjoy with a strongly flavored black tea.

His rationalism stuff is polluted by believing that ANY humans are EVER capable of being rational actors. If anyone was, we would simply all live in their example, and oops, you made a cult, better hope your rational actor doesn't have underhanded motives that lead them to rationally form a cult to pursue those underhanded motives.

Addiction to rationality is caused by irrational motivations. if we were truly rational we'd give up on rationality. As Roger was fond of saying, it's no way to run a human being.

What's useful about his rationalism stuff is specifically this: having a toolkit for when you want something else to blame if things go wrong, and the person in charge of yelling at you won't accept "God did it".

feel like he'd read like BIP and take away all the wrong messages . if he makes a single tweet about this all of the cryptocurrency/roko's basilisk guys would overwhelm us in seconds

He won't. He's too pig-brained to actually recognize any value in Discordian messaging. The one to worry about is Yudkowsky.