Show Posts

This section allows you to view all posts made by this member. Note that you can only see posts made in areas you currently have access to.

Messages - altered

Pages: [1] 2 3 4 ... 155
Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: September 17, 2022, 02:48:07 am »
Today: finally found the source of my degrading joints and personality damage. You cannot be prepared for this shit.

You really cannot.


I got scurvy.

I'm not even fucking joking. I have apparently had zero vitamin C in my diet for two fucking months, excepting one or two individual MEALS across the entire time span. I looked it up with increasing "what the fuck" in my thoughts. What fucking meals don't come with basic nutrients in them? All of mine, apparently.

I'm going to get some vitamin C supplements. Poverty is LITERALLY killing me with 18th century bullshit. But yeah that's what that was about.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: September 02, 2022, 09:29:49 am »

Something has been seriously wrong with my brain for the past 3 weeks. I've been depressed, paranoid, my RSD has been worse than ever, and I had a full two days back in the low of Feb-April. Dissociation is a constant to the point that I remember ten non-contiguous minutes of Tuesday (I remember waking up from a fugue state while at the doctor's office), and nothing of Monday at all. This is the first day I've been able to think clearly enough to make a coherent thought that isn't entirely reactive or dissociative in nature. For the plurals/plural-awares: my entire system has been in fucking stasis for like 2 weeks, and until Lor and Nikki woke up tonight, I was having sincere doubts that I was still plural at all because I couldn't even sense the other members and our headspaces all vanished too. And I had a particular episode this past Saturday where I was unable to understand spoken language (I heard words but they didn't cohere into sentences) for an hour on VC with the beetle-swarm-partner (don't ask, or do ask and receive information that you cannot understand).

Sum total: YIKES! Brain is fucking broken!

We were able to rule out stroke and aneurysm through blood pressure alone (smoker with high cholesterol having a panic attack while their BP is being taken STILL ending up with a BP of 120/72 has a pretty impressive cardiovascular system), though I also independently ruled out stroke through lack of vision symptoms AND unilateral symptoms. The remaining options are tumor, chemical, infection and early-onset dementia, all of which are possible.

My polycule has been amazingly supportive through this nightmare (probably because we have someone who has had a stroke, someone who is dealing with brain cancer, and a plural-autistic-inhuman-BPD-bitch like me) but it's still terrifying and I'm still worried that my distance and pushing them away might have created rifts.

I'm basically putting this out here as kind of a record that I actually did have this moment of lucidity tonight. It really happened, even if tomorrow it's back into the soup. So.

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: July 20, 2022, 10:53:09 pm »
The question is if she'll be properly armed to deal with us, really.

Still, exciting!

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: July 20, 2022, 01:21:38 am »
Tina is amazing.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: July 15, 2022, 10:13:04 pm »
This month has become bizarrely good for me.


Yay indeed! And to continue the Yay, in a couple hours, I'm going to go start a weekend of kinky shit in a hotel with a completely platonic friend I love dearly. Glad to see you're alive, we haven't spoken in awhile, send me a hello sometime on Discord!

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: July 02, 2022, 09:03:58 am »
So, it's been awhile. Time for an update.

This month has been garbage for the world. I've resigned myself to being genocided. This doesn't mean I'm not going out with a bang. This month has become bizarrely good for me.

I found True Love (though the other parties seem unsure, it's what it feels like to me at least so whatever I'm going to go with it for now). I became a dom and learned hypnosis on LITERALLY this past Tuesday night so I could take them to a dream place and exist as a horrific nightmare engine that puppeteers them around (and we both love it -- it's like I erase 150 miles and literally drag their soul directly into my mind). I also learned how to flirt and I make all the bottoms swoon and gibber and beg for more now, which is good because I'm polyamorous now. Yes, I am both relentlessly sexy and relentlessly sexual these days: progesterone has indeed given me great tits, but it's also given me the libido of a pent-up teenager crossed with an Adelie penguin during mating season.

But it's not all deranged degenerate sex shit! No, some of it is deranged degenerate platonic friendship shit where I feel like I'm legitimately supporting my friends on bad days instead of letting them down, and I trust them to have my back. Also everyone I talk to on a daily basis now literally conceives of me as a horrifying aberration of cosmic laws instead of a human, and that's the part they LIKE. (Okay sure they also like the tits and the hardcore flirting but LISTEN: no one who I respect in the least ever said I can't have it all.) Beyond that, I've fully given in to the positive parts of my BPD and I let myself feel deep and passionate love for my platonic friends now instead of constantly worrying about being a creepy weirdo motherfucker.

And aside from interpersonal shit: I have my first piece of jewelry (the Quake logo, made out of steel and iron scrap bound together with wire and leather cord). HRT inexplicably made me stronger (this should be impossible). I have an axe and people find that hot. My singing is improving to an absurd degree (ordinary true-voice phonation singing, fry screams and false-chord screams alike! also my fry gutturals can shake the garbage cans outside when I'm really feeling it). I've learned about trans surgeries that actually appeal to me (again, no one ever said I can't have it all). I think I can manage to crowdfund replacing my teeth with implants so I can have stainless steel teeth and no more terrifying dental problems. My dietary needs have dropped to "human" instead of "tungsten-casting blast furnace". I might be getting ADHD medication soon. With ADHD medication comes jobhunting with the name of Curse, which I have finally fully realized permanently bars me from customer service work -- and thank god.

Oh yeah, and I'm converting to Judaism. No, really, I'm serious. And it doesn't have anything to do with my friend group or the cute plural system I'm hypnotizing. No, it has to do with making personal decisions for my life and a transfem musician who I have become friends with and got a crush on (but it isn't related in any of the ways you think!).

So, you know, this month has been a fucking LOT for me.

Apple Talk / Re: Spagbook
« on: June 26, 2022, 10:04:08 pm »
I have gotten both Fat and Hot As Fuck, and I drive all the transbians and lesboys wild now. Also, I have the coolest pendant ever (because I'm a huge edgy nerd and I love Quake 1).

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 22, 2022, 09:13:26 am »
My ramen detonation had mysterious causes, being as it was uncontained and under atmospheric pressure. (My theory is that a piece of metal had gotten into the noodles.)

Yours sounds more spectacular, more damaging, and with a greater amount of preparation required. As befits your stature.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 20, 2022, 07:14:38 am »
If it's like what happened with my ramen, it turned to dust and smoke. There was a hole in the porcelain bowl.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 20, 2022, 06:35:05 am »
Yeah, happened to me back in about November. I got lucky and am unscathed. I treat ramen with due respect these days. Was it the semi-fancy Nongshim stuff that got you, too?

FTR, I'm not riffing or joking, I'm glad you're mostly okay because I have genuinely seen this happen firsthand (at a fair distance).

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 19, 2022, 12:02:57 am »
With all the hateful shit, I'm moving away from Chicago as soon as my therapy and ADHD diagnosis/medication hit a point I feel confident in. It's not that Chicago is bad, it's that Chicago doesn't have enough trans density.

The PNW has some Issues with the White Queers (you know the fucking type) and a saturation of queer abusers, not to mention all the fucking neo-Nazis, but there's enough queer people that I would actually feel safe. If something Bad happened I'd feel like there'd be people around who would step the fuck up. And I wouldn't be minimum 150 miles from everyone I love in the process, or surrounded by young assimilationist queers (Chicago has SO MUCH assimilationist bullshit in its queer community it makes me sick) if I find a cluster of queer people at all.

Aneristic Illusions / Miranda rights? Nah.
« on: June 16, 2022, 02:52:43 pm »

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 05, 2022, 03:20:21 am »
Last update for awhile, probably.

Not many people are so lucky as to have become friends with one of their favorite musicians, have a crush on that friend that was not reciprocated but brought you both closer, and look to each other for support and care on particularly rough days. Hell, you can take the "favorite musician" part out of that and still have a sincerely rare situation. The fact that I loved this person's music before we ever spoke makes it all the more fucking wild.

I don't really fan-girl over artists, I just see them as people. So it took me forever to realize that I am basically living some 15-year-old's fucking dream: you talk to your favorite musician, and it becomes through shared experience and compatible personality one of your dearest friends.

My life is just so fucking weird. I barely scrape by on subsistence by cyberbegging, but I feel genuinely fulfilled emotionally on good days, when the perspective lines up just right to let me see my life from the outside and realize there are maybe a couple hundred thousand people, worldwide, who can say that they have what I have in some areas. I might be constantly dodging the reaper, but I am free like few others.

Apple Talk / Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
« on: June 02, 2022, 03:45:44 am »
Sounds like step two is jumpsuits and respirators. Full-mask first, then half-mask if your hand is forced. Then jumpsuits and goggles, IF AND ONLY IF they let you have a giant combat robot of doom. You absolutely need jumpsuited, begoggled technicians if there's a fucking Gundam on site, after all.

After that, it's time to ensure management understands the importance of uniforms that grin threateningly no matter what the person wearing it is doing with their face.

Apple Talk / Re: Open Bar: Curbside Pickup Only
« on: June 02, 2022, 02:35:48 am »
On a positive note, while I have been unexpectedly single since the 27th or so (person I was dating decided she didn't need another relationship, but we're still friends), I think I already have caught the interest of an older transfem? I wasn't trying for this. And I've gotten a lot of, hm, respectfully-lewd remarks on photos of me, fully clothed (often layered up, even), holding weapons and making ugly or threatening faces. I wasn't trying for that, either.

Yeah, it's... it's something.

Also, and relatedly: for the first time in a long time I'm around people who think to reach out to /me/ every day. People who feel sad when I'm not around, and who make a point of saying so.

It's really weird being actively /wanted/. Not just tolerated, expected, or even appreciated. Personally requested /in particular/. With regularity. DMs saying, "hey, come hang out." Intentionally sought out by people for the happiness I bring to them.

Even my relationships have tended towards passive appreciation of me at best, so this is completely alien. Positive, I think. I fucking hope. But it still feels totally bizarre.

Pages: [1] 2 3 4 ... 155