A project me and my housemate have been working on. We don't have 101 yet.
1. I think you'll be alright. You might even be able to have children some day.
2. Better wrap it up, H.P. Lovecraft, or you'll end up a shut-in.
3. Hey grownups!
4. We're using double entendres!
5. At least you can fake-cry. You always have that comfort.
6. Sounds like it's whine O'clock!
7. Oh, you wanted to have guns and vote? Maybe you should have thought of that before you decided to be FIVE.
8. We're Scientologists now.
9. I'm sure we all recall the disastrous events of October 1929.
10. Let's talk taxes.
11. Would you describe yourself as cosmopolitan?
12. You have very exacting standards about how things are done and I'm not sure that I can uphold those standards.
13. People would think that you were listening to Led Zeppelin and you had used up all the albums, so that you could no longer "get the led out".
14. Stop touching me. I feel about people touching me like Russia feels about Greece.
15. The face you're making reminds me of Henry Kissinger.
:lulz:
one i actually used on a child at my pokemon league
"I'm afraid that your parents just called from the council offices to say that you've been cancelled, you'll be picked up by the police cancelled children department at abut 3ish."
(its's okay, the kid had an evil sense of humour for a 10 year old, he got over it and called me a c*nt)
16. [Insert name of popular Kid TV character] isn't real.
17. [Insert name of popular Kid TV character] is dead.
18. I would love for you to buy me lunch there.
19. I bet if you ask this lady real nice she'll take you home. (this is a twofer when you have another adult start in about your upset child)
20.I wonder what the leading research says on this issue? Would you like to help me look it up? (only do this one if you are willing to look it up, because we know everything isn't fool proof.)
21. Last night, Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't (whatever it is you are doing) that he'd melt my brain
22. do not believe the Santa clause deniers, he really does exist, any one who believes otherwise has been fooled by a disinformation campaign that "they" started, if you don't believe me look it up the truth will be obvious to any one who does a little research.
23. You think loosing a tooth is disturbing? ha! wait till you start losing your baby fingers... They'll get loose and wiggly, and then just be hanging by a thread and then, when they fall off, you put them under your pillow just like with teeth, except you don't get a quarter. You get a band-aid. And you will be thankful for it!
...
what's that? your parents didn't tell you anything about losing your fingers?
....
well, i bet they didn't warn you about the teeth until it started happening either, now, did they? they just don't want to needlessly upset you. but i think you're old enough to know the truth. Don't tell them i told you, though. They would just deny it, anyways, and be mad at me for telling you....
i'm on your side kiddo!
(I've been waiting several years to use this one on my nephew.)
:lulz:
As wonderful as these are, I'm not sure they'd be greeted with silence.
My four have been field tested.
Inarticulate crying doesn't count as silence?...
Fuquad, I am confident that in my household, your four would absolutely be greeted with silence by all three children.
Probably silence tinged with disgust... the preferred type of silence. :lulz:
Number 18 is why I never have to eat McDonalds.
well one time she did buy me a lunch there because she really really really wanted the toy in the happy meal.
24: "Remember, this is our little secret."
Quote from: Fuquad on January 08, 2009, 05:43:00 PM
21. Last night, Darth Vader came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't (whatever it is you are doing) that he'd melt my brain
Oh...My...God...:mittens: for the reference alone!
-Suu
Often talks like Crispin Glover to freak people out.
Quote from: Fuquad on January 08, 2009, 08:20:35 PM
Number 18 is why I never have to eat McDonalds.
well one time she did buy me a lunch there because she really really really wanted the toy in the happy meal.
I think I would have gotten a total kick out of it and bragged immensely if my kid bought me lunch, even at McDonald's. Just sayin'.
Quote from: Suu on January 10, 2009, 08:47:00 PM
Quote from: Fuquad on January 08, 2009, 08:20:35 PM
Number 18 is why I never have to eat McDonalds.
well one time she did buy me a lunch there because she really really really wanted the toy in the happy meal.
I think I would have gotten a total kick out of it and bragged immensely if my kid bought me lunch, even at McDonald's. Just sayin'.
Oh yeah.
It was a few months ago. And you have to understand she works for her allowance.
She has one chore she has to do no pay or anything she has to do this chore if she wants to do extra chores to make money. she often does extra chores just to have money in case she wants something special. she doesn't buy much so she's got quit the savings.
Quote from: Iptuous on January 08, 2009, 07:30:37 PM
23. You think loosing a tooth is disturbing? ha! wait till you start losing your baby fingers... They'll get loose and wiggly, and then just be hanging by a thread and then, when they fall off, you put them under your pillow just like with teeth, except you don't get a quarter. You get a band-aid. And you will be thankful for it!
...
what's that? your parents didn't tell you anything about losing your fingers?
....
well, i bet they didn't warn you about the teeth until it started happening either, now, did they? they just don't want to needlessly upset you. but i think you're old enough to know the truth. Don't tell them i told you, though. They would just deny it, anyways, and be mad at me for telling you....
i'm on your side kiddo!
(I've been waiting several years to use this one on my nephew.)
:mittens:
Quote from: Suu on January 10, 2009, 08:44:37 PM
Quote from: Fuquad on January 08, 2009, 05:43:00 PM
21. Last night, Darth Vader is came down from planet Vulcan and told me that if I didn't (whatever it is you are doing) that he'd melt my brain
Oh...My...God...:mittens: for the reference alone!
-Suu
Often talks like Crispin Glover to freak people out.
My daughter hates Star Wars and Star Trek.
Though she knows who Darth Vader And That Spock is from Vulcan,
But she loves Doctor Who. My ex has woke up around 5:3o in the morning to find my daughter eating a bowl of oatmeal while watching Doctor Who.
Between seasons of Doctor Who she once told me " I wish there were other time travel stories"
she now likes the back to the future trilogy. and voyagers.
She knows exactly what I'm quoting when I say it.
How old is she?
six.
seven next month.
decent syaing to get children to be quite
"your parents are dead"
:eek:
Quote from: mcjof on February 12, 2009, 02:13:28 PM
decent syaing to get children to be quite
"your parents are dead"
:eek:
I guess your definition of quite is lots of loud crying.
25: You're parents are getting a divorce.
26: The reason I can't (insert random childhood demand here) is simply because the quantum hyperbole of the centrifugal sarcophagus is the relative nature
of the semi sonic Pythagorean.
27. I have some candy with your name on it in my van.
28. I have to send the pony back now. Too late.
29. No, no, of course you aren't adopted *shift eyes*.
30. ...your...parents...can't talk to you. For a while.
I hereby abandon this thread because too many people can't tell the difference between "will be greeted with silence" and "will be greeted with tears".
Upsetting children is EASY, you fucking retards.
Quote from: Nigel on February 22, 2009, 05:43:14 PM
I hereby abandon this thread because too many people can't tell the difference between "will be greeted with silence" and "will be greeted with tears".
Upsetting children is EASY, you fucking retards.
I noticed this. For chrissakes, children will sometimes go apeshit screaming upset over the most inane things when you aren't even TRYING to mess with them.
Bewildering and dumbfounding children is a different thing altogether.
Quote from: Nigel on February 22, 2009, 05:43:14 PM
Hurrr everyone stop making jokes in my seriously serious thread.
I thought they were pretty funny actually. I laughed IRL at Iptuous' first post ITT.
Quote from: Malachite on February 22, 2009, 08:54:08 PM
Quote from: Nigel on February 22, 2009, 05:43:14 PM
Hurrr everyone stop making jokes in my seriously serious thread.
I thought they were pretty funny actually. I laughed IRL at Iptuous' first post ITT.
More like "Since you are unable to post the types of jokes i asked for I am done with this"
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on February 22, 2009, 11:05:54 PM
Quote from: Malachite on February 22, 2009, 08:54:08 PM
Quote from: Nigel on February 22, 2009, 05:43:14 PM
Hurrr everyone stop making jokes in my seriously serious thread.
I thought they were pretty funny actually. I laughed IRL at Iptuous' first post ITT.
More like "Since you are unable to post the types of jokes i asked for I am done with this"
This
Frankly, most of the "make kids cry" type jokes are both easy and stupid, and I was actually hoping for some clever/interesting additions, which a couple people did understand and deliver. But for the most part this thread is a failure.
Tried and true one if they're having an epic tantrum:
"Once more. With FEELING this time!"
They stop and stare at you like you've gone mad. Every time.
Quote from: Nigel on February 23, 2009, 04:50:26 AM
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on February 22, 2009, 11:05:54 PM
Quote from: Malachite on February 22, 2009, 08:54:08 PM
Quote from: Nigel on February 22, 2009, 05:43:14 PM
Hurrr everyone stop making jokes in my seriously serious thread.
I thought they were pretty funny actually. I laughed IRL at Iptuous' first post ITT.
More like "Since you are unable to post the types of jokes i asked for I am done with this"
This
Frankly, most of the "make kids cry" type jokes are both easy and stupid, and I was actually hoping for some clever/interesting additions, which a couple people did understand and deliver. But for the most part this thread is a failure.
Yeah, you're right. I did find some of them funny, but it's not really what you asked for.
I just don't think the thread is all that worse off for it, but it would annoy me just as much if my thread was already derailed by the second post. And I guess it won't really help you do what you were planning to in the first place.
it is not easy to come up with these kind of ideas unless you are a parent or have spent a lot of time with kids, hitting 101 may prove to be a tough challenge.
Quote from: fomenter on February 23, 2009, 04:57:42 PM
it is not easy to come up with these kind of ideas unless you are a parent or have spent a lot of time with kids, hitting 101 may prove to be a tough challenge.
You're right. We 1st World Citizens have it so tough. :lulz:
Back on topic, I still can't think of any good ones.
Maybe some good ones could be made by imposing huge existentialist questions on them.
"What does it mean to exist? If our existence doesn't have meaning, how can we create meaning?"
i don't understand why it would be so hard.
it just takes something that is meaningless to them? even the examples in the OP would likely be met with questions. I assumed the request was actually for things that are jokes that only experience/education would shed light on, or things that would be such a kick in the nuts as to leave breathless. i think the latter is funnier, speaking as a father...
speaking as someone who has no kids
this is exactly why it seems tough to me, kids ask questions and kids freak out, getting the stunned silence response would take some insight into children's minds, to the clueless (me) it seems a unusual thing for a kid to do (being silent) ....
Quote from: UncannyValleyGirl on February 23, 2009, 09:03:57 AM
Tried and true one if they're having an epic tantrum:
"Once more. With FEELING this time!"
They stop and stare at you like you've gone mad. Every time.
:lulz:
IME the key to being greeted with silence is by giving them just enough context that they know that either you're saying something irrelevant just to perturb them, or to know that they're being baited in a way that is slightly (but not too far) beyond them, so that the only possible dignified response is silence.
It delights me no end to receive a look of disgust, followed by the child stalking out of the room.
My dad likes to say "Hello boys!" to a group of girl children. They are stunned for a few seconds, and then incredulously cry "WE'RE GIRLS!!"
I like to ask kids where their husband or wife is. They are always (always) shocked by the question.
" I am Santa Claus...
and no your not getting any presents"
"I wonder when your baby legs are going to fall off"
That's not going to get the response wanted.
Better yet, remark about That One Time their baby legs fell off (you were too young to remember).
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on February 23, 2009, 09:25:04 PM
My dad likes to say "Hello boys!" to a group of girl children. They are stunned for a few seconds, and then incredulously cry "WE'RE GIRLS!!"
I like to ask kids where their husband or wife is. They are always (always) shocked by the question.
:lulz:
My housemate has done something like that.
A favorite activity we share is pretending to be incredibly dumb, so that the children have to patiently explain very simple concepts to us. Then we act amazed and incredulous.
They're starting to catch on, though.
Quote from: Nigel on February 24, 2009, 03:48:06 AM
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on February 23, 2009, 09:25:04 PM
My dad likes to say "Hello boys!" to a group of girl children. They are stunned for a few seconds, and then incredulously cry "WE'RE GIRLS!!"
I like to ask kids where their husband or wife is. They are always (always) shocked by the question.
:lulz:
My housemate has done something like that.
A favorite activity we share is pretending to be incredibly dumb, so that the children have to patiently explain very simple concepts to us. Then we act amazed and incredulous.
They're starting to catch on, though.
:lulz:
I use this one at work, though more as a teaching exercise than for the lulz. The resulting hilarity is incidental.
It is an excellent teaching exercise! And it helps prepare the children for life by giving them the skills to deal with morons who need overexplaining in order to function.
(http://images3.wikia.nocookie.net/muppet/images/d/d4/Mrnoodlebrother.jpg)
Quote from: Nigel on February 24, 2009, 03:48:06 AM
A favorite activity we share is pretending to be incredibly dumb, so that the children have to patiently explain very simple concepts to us. Then we act amazed and incredulous.
They're starting to catch on, though.
Have you ever watched Blue's Clue's? That's basically Steve and Joe's whole schtick. That they are complete morons who need the kids at home help figuring out which cup of juice has more or which sock is blue, etc., etc.,
Yes! It gets more fun as they get older.
Quote from: Nigel on February 24, 2009, 03:48:06 AM
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on February 23, 2009, 09:25:04 PM
My dad likes to say "Hello boys!" to a group of girl children. They are stunned for a few seconds, and then incredulously cry "WE'RE GIRLS!!"
I like to ask kids where their husband or wife is. They are always (always) shocked by the question.
:lulz:
My housemate has done something like that.
A favorite activity we share is pretending to be incredibly dumb, so that the children have to patiently explain very simple concepts to us. Then we act amazed and incredulous.
They're starting to catch on, though.
HAHAHA!! I'm gonna try that with the niece and nephew in Florida.
Quote from: Nigel on February 24, 2009, 03:43:31 PM
Yes! It gets more fun as they get older.
I'm imagining you asking a twenty-year old how a pbj sandwich is made. :lulz:
Quote from: Felix on February 25, 2009, 07:38:46 PM
Quote from: Nigel on February 24, 2009, 03:43:31 PM
Yes! It gets more fun as they get older.
I'm imagining you asking a twenty-year old how a pbj sandwich is made. :lulz:
It's even better... there are countless things in modern life that I can pretend to not understand, and some of them
haven't even been invented yet!
This playing dumb thing has good potential. :twisted:
So, kids, can any of you tell us how to play dumb?
two lazy two look up the #. Yes, YOU CAN have it. How are you going to PAY for it?
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on April 03, 2009, 10:03:51 AM
two lazy two look up the #. Yes, YOU CAN have it. How are you going to PAY for it?
dude, that's a good one.
Quote from: Squid on April 03, 2009, 04:21:06 PM
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on April 03, 2009, 10:03:51 AM
two lazy two look up the #. Yes, YOU CAN have it. How are you going to PAY for it?
dude, that's a good one.
My father told me when I was 16 he would buy me an Alpha Romeo Spider Veloce as soonas I could afford it. Reality hit in the middle of my jumpingup and down in excitement. I've used that with my kids a lot. Sure, i'll buy you those $190.00 Nikes just as soon as you can afford them.
Quote from: Squid on April 03, 2009, 04:21:06 PM
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on April 03, 2009, 10:03:51 AM
two lazy two look up the #. Yes, YOU CAN have it. How are you going to PAY for it?
dude, that's a good one.
Be careful what you wish for.
When I was 15, I told my mom I wanted a car when I got my license. She said sure, I could have any car I wanted... if I bought it.
A year and a half later when I got my license, I had $6k in the bank and she was faced with a daughter who was very, very prepared to buy that bright red sports car.
but YOU bought it
Yes, but I think she holds me singularly responsible for 90% of her gray hairs. :cry:
That's what mothers* do.
*sombunallbumosoitsnolikethersadiffrencsisit?
Yes.
Quote from: Darth Cupcake on April 03, 2009, 04:39:53 PM
Quote from: Squid on April 03, 2009, 04:21:06 PM
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on April 03, 2009, 10:03:51 AM
two lazy two look up the #. Yes, YOU CAN have it. How are you going to PAY for it?
dude, that's a good one.
Be careful what you wish for.
When I was 15, I told my mom I wanted a car when I got my license. She said sure, I could have any car I wanted... if I bought it.
A year and a half later when I got my license, I had $6k in the bank and she was faced with a daughter who was very, very prepared to buy that bright red sports car.
I'm still waiting for her to want a knife.
I mean she's only seven now. When does Knife fascination kick in for kids?
I mean I've got her to the point where I'm confident that if i walk away while she's sooking that she would make it fine with no supervision.
It's mainly an agreement with the mother that keeps me from doing so.
She has started to make french toast better than I do.
Nut anyways.... Knives.... how do you generate intrest bedsides merely giving her the dice, slice and chop jobs?
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on April 04, 2009, 12:36:15 AM
She has started to make freedom toast better than I do.
Is that still funny? Or did I miss an administration?
-toa,
the only truth is in the
old jokes
Quote from: the other anonymous on April 04, 2009, 12:46:43 AM
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on April 04, 2009, 12:36:15 AM
She has started to make freedom toast better than I do.
Is that still funny? Or did I miss an administration?
-toa,
the only truth is in the old jokes
it was never funny. our standards were low at that point.
My grandfather always does this senile schtick. My cousins (who are quite young) play along for a while and then eventually get to the stage where it qualifies for this thread.
I think it would work far less well if he actually was senile, though it helps that he doesn't act senile particularly convincingly.
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on April 04, 2009, 12:36:15 AM
I'm still waiting for her to want a knife.
I mean she's only seven now. When does Knife fascination kick in for kids?
Nut anyways.... Knives.... how do you generate intrest bedsides merely giving her the dice, slice and chop jobs?
don't know for girls but dads swiss army getting pulled out and used to mcgiver things (before the tv show existed) in usfull ways got me knife happy at a young age
"So what do you do for a living?"
Anything you say to your kids which is from the....amazingly NSFW Morning Glory (http://misc.classpc.nl/morningglory/comics.html) webcomic would likely be met with stunned silence at best.
About the most SFW example below:
(http://img219.imageshack.us/img219/5895/mg29.jpg)
"Get me meat and some pudding. I'm going to have a dipping party."
Quote from: A Pesky Nonvoting Screeching on June 01, 2009, 08:57:14 PM
"Get me meat and some pudding. I'm going to have a dipping party."
:lulz: Good one!
This thread reminds me of when an outraged TGG discovered upon learning to read that Snow White and the 7 Dwarves doesn't end with cannibalism and horror.
The OP made me snark up coffee and I had to run to the bathroom to wipe my nose.
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 04, 2010, 10:12:42 PM
This thread reminds me of when an outraged TGG discovered upon learning to read that Snow White and the 7 Dwarves doesn't end with cannibalism and horror.
Hahahaha! Oh god. That, in turn, reminds me that day before yesterday EFO cheerfully said, "Other people's pain is funny."
"That may be true, but how do you really feel about it?"
"Have you considered that this might be hurting your political career?"
:lulz: Oh, those are good ones! Though I am finding that my kids are finding more and better comebacks as they get older.
that just means you're teaching them well.
when they tell you something that would be mundane to anyone older but they think is a horrible horrible tragedy:
"you think that's bad? you should have seen the accident I had when I was your age. It involved a shopping cart, a banana peel, a rabid squirrel and a big glass jar of nuts.. it was a nightmare. Just imagine.. ."
then look at them with your serious face on..
"nuts.. nuts EVERYWHERE"
how about "...you can talk!! at least i'm not attractive!!"
Quote from: indifferent betty on January 25, 2011, 01:01:17 PM
how about "...you can talk!! at least i'm not attractive!!"
Oh, hello, Shub.