I.
1. In the beginning was the VOID, who had two daughters: one, the smaller, was that of Being, named ERIS; and one, the larger, was that of Non-being, named ANERIS.
2. But you know this part.
3. Or possibly the universe was created in a week by YHWH, or ZEUS; or created as a result of all manner of kinky shit by the GODS of Egypt or Babylon, or by purely impersonal forces.
4. But you know these parts, too, or where to find them.
5. And all these myths are true in some sense, false in some sense, and meaningless in some sense.
II.
1. ERIS said, Let's start with an explosion.
2.
BOOM! That was awesome.
3. Oh hey, if I adjust these fundamental constants... gravity, the speed of light, the Planck constant (note to Self: make a guy named Planck so this makes sense)...
4. Lo, it makes stars and planets and galaxies and stuff!
5. I'll just leave it here a minute while I go and get a snack.
III.
(ELEVEN BILLION YEARS LATER)
1. As GODDESS was looking down the back of Her couch for Her keys, she spake, saying: Oh hey, the universe! I'd forgotten all about that.
2. Ugh, it's gone all foosty.
3. Is that... life?
4. Well, maybe this could be interesting; what if I hack around with it a bit?
5. For Her universe had reached the Pleistocene epoch; and ERIS took lumps of the Pleistocene and moulded them into forms that amused Her.
6. ERIS spake, saying: *squidge* ooh, it's gone multicellular. *squeesh* oh look, fins! Maybe they'd work as legs if I... *splut* Oh heck, they're EVERYWHERE now.
7. WAIT STOP EATING EACH OTHER GUYS! Ewwww.
IV.
1. ERIS created Dinosaur.
2. And Dinosaur did run, and roar, and fight other dinosaurs, and ERIS saw that it was cool.
3. But eventually She got bored and 'accidentally' pressed the Asteroid Impact button.
4. ERIS created Squirrel.
5. And Squirrel climbed trees, and leapt between them; and gathered nuts and buried them; and fluffed its tail, and ERIS saw that it was cute.
6. But eventually She got bored.
7. So ERIS created Duck.
8. And Duck swam, and quacked, and water ran off its back; and it produced ducklings that were adorable, but ultimately ERIS got bored again.
9. ERIS created Shark, and Monkey, and Spider, and Sloth, and all the beasts of the field, and of the trees and river and forest and ocean as well; and the earth was acrawl (and aswim, and aclimb, etc.) with Her creations.
10. But none of them kept her entertained for very long.
11. What I need, spake ERIS to Herself, is a creation that will produce folly of its own, and ever new follies thereafter; that will always find some way to outdo its previous idiocy; something that will never cease to amuse Me with its sheer intractable ridiculousness.
12. And ERIS created Human.
V.
1. Just so we're 100% clear: bumsex is OK. I know this isn't a religion with many rules and holy books are supposed to be ambiguous, but this one seems to need spelled out.
This is awesome. On my authority as Discordian Censor Librorum, I grant this an imprimatur.
I hope QGP notices this one.
Since people seem to like these and because I like writing them, I'm thinking of trying to get together enough to do a kopyleft book, working title "The Fifth Testament". I'm currently doing Noah (The Book of Deluge). If anyone wants to join in that'd be cool, grab a bible story from the pile and see what happens.
There’s some old bits around here that might do the job without modification. The whole Book of Payne thing had some excellent stuff, there was one about Payne being eaten by the people for (or despite?) his prophecy. Roger (bless his crusty dead gibbon ass) wrote some good ones unconnected to that too.
That said, I call the rest of Genesis, this is only barely the first half and it’s missing the very start too.
See, my unemployment VERY unexpectedly came through.
I’m gonna celebrate.
Quote from: altered on July 01, 2020, 02:44:05 PM
There’s some old bits around here that might do the job without modification. The whole Book of Payne thing had some excellent stuff, there was one about Payne being eaten by the people for (or despite?) his prophecy. Roger (bless his crusty dead gibbon ass) wrote some good ones unconnected to that too.
Cool, thanks! I'll have a poke around.
QuoteThat said, I call the rest of Genesis, this is only barely the first half and it’s missing the very start too.
I'm not trying to do 1:1 mapping with the Bible. Noah is in Genesis and I've made that a separate book. Not to mention that swathes of it are extremely dull (and Nazarok bare Ashamangaloc, and Ashamangaloc lived 642 years and bare Noskabah, and Noskabar lived 703 years and so on and so on and so on)
EDIT: I misread that - I've just noticed the "I call". That's awesome, thanks! I've got my Noah maybe half done, but there's no reason there can't be two Noahs if you want the whole rest of Genesis. What's a holy book without two contradictory accounts of the same story, anyway?
QuoteSee, my unemployment VERY unexpectedly came through.
I’m gonna celebrate.
\o/
Oh, you can have the Noah all to yourself. I have a Cain and Abel story percolating.