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Topics - Iason Ouabache

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Apple Talk / Hey!
« on: July 28, 2018, 02:08:53 pm »
Shut up!

Also: Your search function sucks.  :argh!:

Or Kill Me / Doc, They are Trying to Kill Me
« on: December 03, 2011, 06:50:23 am »
Doc, I know it's been an extremely long time. I've been through a very rough patch lately though. This job I have is trying to kill me. They are trying to make me into a respectable member of society. To make me a responsible adult. To make me a team player. A company man. Someone who pulls their weight. Someone who begs for overtime. The average guy with a house, wife, two kids, and a cat.

Instead, they are slowly killing me. They've got me working odd hours that constantly shift. I'm doing the job of two since everyone worth a damn was smart enough to leave. My socks are constantly soaked. I've lost 15 pounds, but not the old fashioned way. Most days I barely have time for three squares and end up with only two oddly shaped meals instead. I'm constantly fighting a distant bureaucracy and can't keep myself out of my bosses' doghouse.

But worst of all, they took away my slack! Gone are the carefree days of Not Giving a Fuck and leaving my worries at the door right after punching the hell out of the time clock. They got me stressing while I'm at home now. Did I remember to close that valve? Did I put enough bags in? Should I have cleaned one more thing before I left? Is the day shift guy going to complain to my supervisor for forgetting to put that skid away?

There's no reprieve, Doc. They've gotten into my head and I don't know how to get them out. They've got me to the point where death is no longer my number one fear, getting fired is. They've bought my soul for the US median household income. I know they are going to kill me at some point. Lord have mercy on the man who is left in my place.

High Weirdness / Dwarf porn star discovered partially eaten by badgers
« on: September 15, 2011, 05:47:49 am »
Gordon Ramsay's Dwarf Porn Double Found Dead In A Badger Den

In a bizarre case that would have even CSI's top investigators stumped, a dwarf porn star who was Gordon Ramsay's doppelganger was found dead in a badger set in the U.K. has learned.

Percy Foster, star of X-rated movie Hi-Ho Hi-Ho, It's Up Your A**e We Go, was about to be rocketed into the ranks of celebrity porn lookalikes due to his resemblance to the Hell's Kitchen host when his partially eaten body was discovered in a badger's den.

According to a report in U.K. tabloid The Sunday Sport, the 3'6" actor was found "deep in an underground chamber by Ministry of Agriculture experts ahead of a planned badger-gassing program near Tregaron, west Wales."

Expert CSI teams had to use fingertip technology to remove his body from the six-foot-deep burrow, and investigators have not yet ruled out the possibility of suicide.

High Weirdness / Just Say No... to hiding meth in your vagina
« on: September 09, 2011, 07:08:37 am »

The Murray County Sheriff's Office is investigating a shocking allegation in the sudden death of a young, expectant mother. Megan Long, 19, died in the hospital Sunday and family members and friends claim she was poisoned after she agreed to hide methamphetamine inside her body.

Megan's father Mickey Long says Megan was with her boyfriend Duke and her mother, April Flood when they were pulled over by a Murray County Sheriff's Deputy last week. He claims April gave her pregnant daugther Megan meth during the stop and told her to hide it inside her vagina. "They had got pulled over and she stuffed a quarter ounce insider her and when they got here they were going to take it back out, but there wasn't anything left but a bag."

Later that night Mickey said Megan started having seizure-like symptoms. Even though Mickey wasn't in the car for that traffic stop, he claims his ex-wife admitted she asked Megan to place meth inside her body.

Murray County Sheriff Howard Ensley says both his department and GSP are investigating Megan's death and have sent her body to a crime lab for an autopsy. Ensley expects the toxicology to report in a couple of weeks.


You have 24 hours to join my fantasy football league. If I do not get at least 4 more people to join I will haunt you forever with my insipid comments about my boring family.

password: football1

If we get all the way up to 10 teams I promise to personally smacktalk every single person all 17 weeks of the season. 

PS. Dibs on David Gerrard!

Apple Talk / RWHN: Explain Your Fucked Up State!
« on: April 07, 2011, 07:06:29 am »

Maine lawmakers on Wednesday approved legalizing switchblades for people with one arm, moving close to becoming the first state to make such an exception to laws that ban use of the spring-action knives.

Backers of the measure say legalizing switchblades would eliminate a need for one-armed people to be forced to open folding knives with their teeth in emergencies.

The bill to allow amputees and other one-armed people to carry the quick-opening knives cleared Maine's Senate on Wednesday after passing the House on Tuesday, Senate officials said.

Until now, Maine banned the use of switchblades by anyone.

In most states, carrying switchblades is illegal in most circumstances, though owning the knives may be allowed in some states.

Federal law allows their use by a person with one arm only on federal property if the blade is shorter than three inches.

The Maine bill requires that the knives have a blade that is three inches or shorter.

Governor Paul LePage is expected to sign the measure into law in the next couple of days, said spokeswoman Adrienne Bennett.

Is there an epidemic of one-armed people who need knives in Maine? Have people been cutting their own arms off to use as lobstah bait? Are these people in emergency situations so often that the government of Maine had to drop everything at once and change the law? WTF, RWHN? WTF?

Aneristic Illusions / Florida Legislator for Sale: Cheap!
« on: March 30, 2011, 08:22:49 am »
I lied about the cheap part...

There is no state, no nation, no planet, and no universe where it should be legal to pay off a Legislature directly.

There is no government in which a sworn lawmaker should be able to take unlimited payoffs from those seeking favorable treatment.

And yet this is now precisely the law of Florida.

In Sunday's column I called the Florida Legislature "the Whore of Babylon" for passing a law last week that legalizes its own bribery.

But the topic cries out not to be forgotten. This is a turning point in Florida's history.

It is now legal in Florida for the leaders of our House and Senate, of both the Republican and Democratic parties, to operate what are laughably called "leadership funds."

If you are an interest group in Florida, a corporation, a lobbyist seeking favor, you go to these "leadership" funds run by lawmakers …

And you pay them.

They will launder the money into local elections around the state, to keep electing more obedient followers.

This is so astonishing a corruption that it defies belief.

The bill in question is House Bill 1207, passed in the 2010 legislative session.

Then-Gov. Charlie Crist vetoed it. Last Thursday the Legislature overrode the veto.

The House vote was 81-39. The Senate vote was 30-9.

Or Kill Me / Tone It Down!
« on: January 27, 2011, 11:55:15 pm »

If you didn't notice, a lot of time on the internet last year was dedicated to the topic of "tone". Not the musical pitch changes kind but the literary  "how-an-author-treated-his-audience" kind. Whether is was skeptics telling each other to not be dicks or accommodationists telling New Atheists to not scare people away or subreddits calling each other circlejerks or Discordians fighting with each other about how best to get our message out or even every single forum complaining that content used to be so much better, everyone spent a lot of time in 2010 picking the lint out of their own belly buttons. No matter where I turned it appeared that everyone was trying to have deep meta-conversations about how best to communicate with one another.

And all of those conversations were shit. I'm not going to include any links in this post because I feel your time is too important to waste on such trivialities. All of them can be summed up as followed:

A: "You should be nicer to people. People like it when you are nice to them."
B: "Whateva! I do what I want!!!"

As a Discordian I am all for internal strife because it helps to get rid of the riff-raff and pantywaists who weren't going to put in any effort anyways. But at some point you have to stop having committee meetings and backstabbing contests and get shit done. If you notice, while everyone was talking amongst themselves about how best to get their message across no one was actually working to get the message across. An outsider who came along wanting pertinent information was met with a bunch of monkeys throwing shit at each other.

The thing is no single tone works to get the message across. No two people communicate the same and no two people receive messages the same. What works in one situation might not work in another. We need as many voices as possible translating the message into their own personal language. We need people saying that Christians can believe in evolution as well as people saying that the Bible is all bullshit. Yes, being nice attracts people to your side but being a dick is more entertaining.

So please, for the sake of everyone can we stop fucking yelling at each other and go back to yelling at the world?

Aneristic Illusions / Videotape the cops, go to jail
« on: January 25, 2011, 07:26:22 am »

Christopher Drew is a 60-year-old artist and teacher who wears a gray ponytail and lives on the North Side. Tiawanda Moore, 20, a former stripper, lives on the South Side and dreams of going back to school and starting a new life.

About the only thing these strangers have in common is the prospect that by spring, they could each be sent to prison for up to 15 years.

“That’s one step below attempted murder,” Mr. Drew said of their potential sentences.

The crime they are accused of is eavesdropping.

The authorities say that Mr. Drew and Ms. Moore audio-recorded their separate nonviolent encounters with Chicago police officers without the officers’ permission, a Class 1 felony in Illinois, which, along with Massachusetts and Oregon, has one of the country’s toughest, if rarely prosecuted, eavesdropping laws.

“Before they arrested me for it,” Ms. Moore said, “I didn’t even know there was a law about eavesdropping. I wasn’t trying to sue anybody. I just wanted somebody to know what had happened to me.”

Ms. Moore, whose trial is scheduled for Feb. 7 in Cook County Criminal Court, is accused of using her Blackberry to record two Internal Affairs investigators who spoke to her inside Police Headquarters while she filed a sexual harassment complaint last August against another police officer. Mr. Drew was charged with using a digital recorder to capture his Dec. 2, 2009, arrest for selling art without a permit on North State Street in the Loop. Mr. Drew said his trial date was April 4.

Both cases illustrate the increasingly busy and confusing intersection of technology and the law, public space and private.

“Our society is going through a technological transformation,” said Adam Schwartz, a lawyer with the American Civil Liberties Union of Illinois, which last August challenged the Illinois Eavesdropping Act in federal court. “We are at a time where tens of millions of Americans carry around a telephone or other device in their pocket that has an audio-video capacity. Ten years ago, Americans weren’t walking around with all these devices.”

He said that when “something fishy seems to be going on, the perfectly natural and healthy and good thing is for them to pull that device out and make a recording.”

The Illinois Eavesdropping Act has been on the books for years. It makes it a criminal offense to audio-record either private or public conversations without the consent of all parties, Mr. Schwartz said. Audio-recording a civilian without consent is a Class 4 felony, punishable by up to three years in prison for a first-time offense. A second offense is a Class 3 felony with a possible prison term of five years.

Although law-enforcement officials can legally record civilians in private or public, audio-recording a law-enforcement officer, state’s attorney, assistant state’s attorney, attorney general, assistant attorney general or judge in the performance of his or her duties is a Class 1 felony, punishable by up to 15 years in prison.

The A.C.L.U. filed its lawsuit after several people throughout Illinois were charged in recent years with eavesdropping for making audio recordings of public conversations with the police. The A.C.L.U. argued that the act violates the First Amendment and hinders citizens from monitoring the public behavior of police officers and other officials.

On Jan. 10, a federal judge in Chicago dismissed the suit for the second time. Mr. Schwartz said the A.C.L.U. would appeal. Andrew Conklin, a spokesman for Anita Alvarez, the Cook County state’s attorney, said, “We did feel the A.C.L.U.’s claims were baseless and we’re glad the court agreed with us.” Beyond that statement, Mr. Conklin said, “we have no comment because we have these two cases pending.”

Mark Donahue, president of the Fraternal Order of Police, said his organization “absolutely supports” the eavesdropping act as is and was relieved that the challenge had failed. Mr. Donahue added that allowing the audio recording of police officers while performing their duty “can affect how an officer does his job on the street.”

Apple Talk / FRIENDLY REMINDER: I still hate all of you very much
« on: November 21, 2010, 12:45:53 pm »

You shouldn't be watching Youtube videos at work anyways.


Maryland physician Andy Harris (R) just soundly defeated Frank Kratovil, one of the most endangered Democrats on Capitol Hill going into the November election. And he did it in large part by railing against 'Obamacare' and pledging to repeal Health Care Reform. But when he showed on Capitol Hill today for an orientation for incoming members of Congress and their staffs, he had a different question: Where's my government health care?

According to Glenn Thrush of Politico, Harris created a stir at the orientation meeting by demanding to know why he had to wait a month after he was sworn in in January for his government-subsidized health care to kick in. After responding in a huff, he even asked if there was some way he could buy into the government care in advance, seemingly thinking there might be a government program similar to the so-called 'public option' championed by progressive Democrats in 2009.

According to an unnamed congressional staffer quoted by Thrush, Harris stood up at the meeting "and asked the two ladies who were answering questions why it had to take so long, what he would do without 28 days of health care."

During the campaign, Harris told voters, "the answer to the ever-rising cost of insurance is not the expansion of government-run or government-mandated insurance but, instead, common-sense market based solutions that ensure decisions are made by patients and their doctors."


Apple Talk / Why is there a hurricane over Minnesota?
« on: October 28, 2010, 04:52:01 am »
For some weird ass reason there is a "land hurrciane" over Minnesota and Wisconisn right now. Which one of you spags is responsible for this???


October Superstorm. Lowest Pressure On Record For The USA. Welcome to the Land of 10,000 Weather Extremes. Yesterday a rapidly intensifying storm, a "bomb", spun up directly over the MN Arrowhead, around mid afternoon a central pressure of 953 millibars was observed near Orr. That's 28.14" of mercury. Bigfork, MN reported 955 mb, about 28.22" of mercury. The final (official) number may be closer to 28.20-28.22", but at some point the number becomes academic. What is pretty much certain is that Tuesday's incredible storm marks a new record for the lowest atmospheric pressure ever observed over the continental USA. That's a lower air pressure than most hurricanes, which is hard to fathom.

High Weirdness / Woman falls off horse, picks up her own head
« on: October 28, 2010, 03:55:28 am »

A HORRIFIC fall from a horse left a woman with such a severely broken neck she was forced to pick up her own head.

Thea Maxfield, who runs a stud farm in Oxfordshire, England, suffered a "hangman's break" a clean break of the upper cervical vertebra when she fell from her dressage horse.

She tried to get out of the animal's way as it galloped around after the fall, but when she tried to pick herself up, the horrified 26-year-old found her head stayed where it was.

Realising she had to move to avoid being stomped on, Ms Maxfield cupped her hands around her own head and lifted it into place to avoid damaging her spinal cord.

"As soon as I came off the horse I knew something was wrong. I went to get up but my head stayed on the floor,'' she told the Daily Express.

"I couldn't move my neck or my head and I had to literally pick my head up and carry it in my hands."

After managing to stagger to safety, Maxfield, watched by her frightened mother Diane, 66, was taken to hospital.

Doctors initially warned she may be permanently paralysed.

But incredibly after using a revolutionary fixed brace connected to a computer by tiny sensors for three months to help fuse the bones back together, she is now back riding seven months after the accident.

 :x :x :x

Apple Talk / ATTN Jimmy Chitwood
« on: October 26, 2010, 01:26:04 pm »
IU sucks and you should be ashamed of yourself. Purdue can beat IU in every single sport and you know it.

Aneristic Illusions / Please Stop Making Fun of Mrs. Dikshit's Name
« on: October 07, 2010, 09:31:34 pm »

India has condemned "racist and bigoted" remarks by a New Zealand TV presenter who made fun of Delhi Chief Minister Sheila Dikshit's surname.

TVNZ breakfast show host Paul Henry broke into laughter a number of times as he mispronounced the surname - which sounds closer to "Dixit" in English.

He told viewers Ms Dikshit's name was "appropriate because she's Indian".

New Zealand's government has apologised for the remarks, describing them as "culturally insensitive and vulgar".

Sheila Dikshit is overseeing arrangements for the Commonwealth Games in Delhi, which have been beset by problems. She brushed off Mr Henry's remarks but said they were "not appropriate".

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