I go home exhausted every day.
My brain checks out sometime around 9pm and it's just gooooooone.
I have an acute case of resting existential dread face.
It's 2017 and I am doing the work.
My state rep connected to me on facebook to personally explain why he can't be at the nazi punching, and it's a perfectly good reason and I'm glad he told me, and I'm glad that he noticed I kept blowing up his social media and calling his office.
It's work.
I chewed out some poor woman who was only doing her job, because "if it's not on her schedule the Representative won't be able to go" is not an appropriate response to NAZIS AT OUR DOORSTEP and it is not particularly brave or politically dangerous to publically appear in opposition to alt-right fuckwits in the bluest blue state, and how many more times do I need to call before standing up to nazis becomes a priority for the woman elected to represent me and my brown neighbors.
And I told her I was sorry for unloading on her and she's not at fault, and it's scary because I have kids and I don't want them growing up in a world like this, and it's frustrating making these calls all day, and it's hard when it feels like nobody's listening and I keep getting the run around.
It's work.
My state senator is on vacation and one of my US senators is in Korea on business. My governor said he would make it "if he could" and it's on fucking camera because I got myself into the press conference with two hours notice and asked him in front of the whole world, and I was so scared and spent that I did not hear his answer as he said it and I had to watch the replays over again hearing my own strange voice piping up from off screen, and I grabbed the hand of the friend who was next to me, who will probably misinterpret it as a romantic gesture but I was just flailing and needed to hold something for a second, I need to hold something for a second.
But I spoke up anyway, and I nailed the governor and the mayor both.
It's work.
I ruined Thanksgiving. No, I didn't ruin Thanksgiving, my dumbshit cousin did because he posted in my ex's feed and equated nazis to their opposition, and called Black Lives Matter a terrorist organization, and blamed the people put in the hospital and the woman killed by a fucking white supremacist for their own injuries, and it's NOT OKAY and it HASN'T BEEN OKAY and it's NOT RIGHT TO BE PATIENT ANYMORE.
My friend is losing her mother, who was never that good of a person and in fact was always racist, was always okay dropping n-bombs, was always a "war of northern aggression," "heritage not hate" dishrag. And that divide has been growing for years, but there's a difference between "I might have to cut ties eventually" and "this is finally it." So we held her and we told her it's okay to cry about it and it's okay to cut them out and we will be your Thanksgiving, and you have nothing to be sorry for.
It's work.
I spent half my day today explaining to straight white men how to be better allies. And it meant eating my own feelings for a minute and slowing down and not judging too hard. It meant pushing myself right to the point where I knew I was about to burst, and it meant getting to that cliff face and telling someone "if you keep going this will get ugly, please stop" and having him ignore me and plow on anyway, and even as I am getting heated insisting that "this isn't an argument" and not hearing me when I said I did not want to keep going. And another man had to come and tell him to take a break, and I had to play nice when he came back, and pretend that his "I was only..." explanations were enough. And I could have told him to fuck off, I would have been justified in telling him to fuck off, but he has already moved really far and there is good reason to believe he can be fully bipedal someday, and it won't happen if I blow up too hard, and I have an obligation to try and help people get there if I have the spoons to do so and they are willing to do their part.
It's work.
Are you doing the fucking work?
I am unsure if I am doing the work.
I am not anyone's ally, except when I don't have much choice, which this moment in time means I do have allies. Because when actual, real life Nazis come around, you have to forget every tinhorn shitbag that called you a Nazi just because they know how much you hate Nazis and that it will get under your skin.
Because that's just personal. It's not real, at least not in the sense that swastikas and Nazi salutes are real. Not real like that lady who got killed and all those people got injured by some fucking entitled 20 year old in the Dodge Challenger mommy and daddy bought for his precious ass.
Nor is it real in the sense that skinny kids were REALLY going toe-to-toe with Nazi assholes twice their size.
Now, nobody ever comes down to Tucson to start this shit, but Phoenix is another story, and if the fuckers show up there, I will have to call Vex and see if he's up for some concrete-scraping. Vex is good for that kind of thing, and I doubt he'll let me down.
Am I doing the work?
I have brayed laughter in the face of people trying to defend the alt-right, and I have blocked friends that go back 30 years and more, because they can't separate this from the normal partisan bullshit, and keep insisting that BLM and antifa are "as bad" as genuine, no-bullshit goose-steppers. Scratch a Berner, find a libertarian. Scratch a libertarian, find a Nazi.
I have harrassed my congressman, but I always do that and I doubt she's listening anyway, because her district is heavily pro-Trump.
So I don't think I'm actually doing much in the way of work right now, but more from lack of opportunity than lack of desire.
I am probably not doing the work.
I don't tolerate my acquaintances' bullshit, but I'm no good at convincing them to do anything other than shut up when I'm around them. I do what every other piss-ant "activist" does, post things on Facebook and Twitter, but even that's dragging. The Tangerine Shitgibbon himself is scheduled to be here on Saturday, unless the mayor's borderline-hostile demand that he go fuck himself is listened to (which it won't be), and I have no plans to go because I've got "shit to do" that day, like every other time there's a reason to get off my ass.
I have a decent job, but it's not the kind of job that will survive me being tossed in county for a week, and my kids have medical shit and that's why I can't risk employment and there are plenty of excuses. I did buy some fine new curbstomping boots, but more because my last pair wore out than because these new ones will get any of the right kind of use. I used to be reasonably good at propaganda, at least, but there's a wall there too. So many people to shout out, and nothing to say to them other than "fuck you" and "go away". It's bleak for me. Summer is a shit time for me emotionally anyway, and seeing the country fall apart isn't helping.
I don't actually know anyone, or where to go to find anyone to know, or any goddamn time to go there even if I did. Or any energy to maintain human relationships beyond the ones that already keep me on empty. The city is about 70 miles from one end to the other, and there are probably decent people out there worth banding together, but they all blend in with the stucco. Politically, Arizona is locked down tighter than Ft. Knox. The Republican establishment here fears no one, and the Democrats have about half as many teeth as a jellyfish.
I am starting to do the work.
Before recently I was content to be a Facebook activist because where I live it didn't seem that bad. Sure it was bad, but it's always been bad. Everywhere. It wasn't horrible. It was easy to snark and feel good about the snark. But now it's worse. Worse in a way I never imagined possible. Time moves forward, right? Not backwards?
It's so bad that it's even becoming horrible here.
Maybe it was always horrible here but I couldn't see it, because I'm not a part of the demographic(s) things are routinely horrible for. But it's definitely horrible now. Nazis are planning a white supremacist march in Toronto in September. There is a meeting at the end of this month to plan a response. I will be there. I am starting to do the work. I hope it's not too late.
I'm not here to tell you that what you're doing isn't work. I'm not here to tell you your work isn't enough. I'm not even here to passive aggressively bitch at you if you are one of the people with whom I have had to do work.
I'm doing work, and it's hard, and I need to keep reminding myself that it is the only thing worth getting up for, even if it feels like it's killing me.
And if I need to hear that, I know there are other people doing the work who need to hear it, too. I know there are other people who are doing it and don't think of it as work, who are beating themselves up for being tired, for being not good enough, not strong enough, not engaged enough.
But maybe there are people who aren't doing the work at all, and want to be a good person and don't know how to move past passive not-badness, who see scary things on the TV and don't know what to do or what to say and are scared and depressed and curled up in a ball that is equal parts fear for others and self loathing. Maybe some of those folks are here. I want them to know that the only way out of that death spiral is to do the work. Even if you only do a little bit. Even if you reward yourself with ice cream breakfast for it. Even if you have to take frequent breaks to preserve your own sanity (because you can't do the work if you're broken or dead). We are fighting a war on infinite fronts, and every small act to hold the line is how we hold the line, and every advance is a victory for us all, even if it is inches.
I am celebrating the work. I am acknowledging that it is work.
I respect the hell out of you, and your Work.
Thank you for posting.
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on August 17, 2017, 04:55:18 PM
I'm not here to tell you that what you're doing isn't work. I'm not here to tell you your work isn't enough. I'm not even here to passive aggressively bitch at you if you are one of the people with whom I have had to do work.
I'm doing work, and it's hard, and I need to keep reminding myself that it is the only thing worth getting up for, even if it feels like it's killing me.
And if I need to hear that, I know there are other people doing the work who need to hear it, too. I know there are other people who are doing it and don't think of it as work, who are beating themselves up for being tired, for being not good enough, not strong enough, not engaged enough.
But maybe there are people who aren't doing the work at all, and want to be a good person and don't know how to move past passive not-badness, who see scary things on the TV and don't know what to do or what to say and are scared and depressed and curled up in a ball that is equal parts fear for others and self loathing. Maybe some of those folks are here. I want them to know that the only way out of that death spiral is to do the work. Even if you only do a little bit. Even if you reward yourself with ice cream breakfast for it. Even if you have to take frequent breaks to preserve your own sanity (because you can't do the work if you're broken or dead). We are fighting a war on infinite fronts, and every small act to hold the line is how we hold the line, and every advance is a victory for us all, even if it is inches.
I am celebrating the work. I am acknowledging that it is work.
Your honesty and sharing are inspiring. I don't mean to imply with my post that I feel shamed, only that I see the deficit in my actions thanks to your post, and I intend to do something about it. What, I don't know. Whether it amounts to anything more than a change of outlook and attitude, I can't say. But I am glad you're here to say what you're saying and as cursed as we are to live in these interesting times, we are also lucky to share these times with people as dedicated as you are.
2nd'd
I'm undoubtedly doing little to no Work. Mostly due to lack of motivation. But it's posts like these that give me the inspiration and motivation to do something, even if it's short-lived.
Your use of language is the kind that elicits positive and powerful reactions in people. We need more people like you in Journalism, and in political campaigns.
Hell, we need more people like you, in general. Your work IRL, in our Propaganda Dept., and in the rest of the writing boards here is much appreciated.
And also what Vex said.
I struggle with a very distorted consciousness on a daily. I feel like I'm useless for things I don't have the will to write that occur to me all the time. I very nearly didn't write this but I wanted to tell you what you deserve to hear.
Q.G. you are amazing and so too is your Work!!!
I do often feel like the fat kid that can't keep up here at PD. Not just by comparison to your Work here, but by literary and educational accomplishment among many of the others here. I am aware of the folly in comparisons like that, but it happens anyway.
I'm simply resolved to continue at this point without concern for specific outcome other than not ceasing to Strive. Your effort is inspiring. Even if I feel like I'm an ineffectual clod, know it to be so, seeing you climb mountain after mountain and call others to do likewise gives me some strength borrowed from that very Spirit.
i don't know what else to say. I'm going to keep trying to get out of the pit I'm in and hopefully one day also climb mountains.
The work I do doesn't seem staggering, or world changing, but it feels like work.
I keep myself up to date on what #45 is doing, and even though I'm terrified and have to eat it and there is seemingly no reason for it, I'm doing it and it's hard to bear. It feels like work.
I interrupted a man on the bus with angry words when intimated that Make America Great Again was a Hitler thought, but he was okay with it because Taking Back American Rights For Americans, and I shook and was frightened of being followed and hurt but it seemed important. It felt like work.
I engaged in a conversation about whether violence is okay against nazis, when what we should have been discussing was WHEN it was appropriate to do it, and the conversation itself brought on an anxiety attack I knew that would happen but I did it anyway. That was probably work.
That sure as fuck sounds like work.
You are a great inspiration to me, QG. You are always doing the thing and it's given me some spine to do the work that needs doing.