Cain does not save you. He wouldn't if he could. Cain does not make common household tasks easier. Cain does not help you find restaurants in your area. Cain does not make technology, or even make it better. Cain will not help you get to sleep the night before your big presentation.
Cain doesn't freshen the air in your bathroom. Nor does he keep your computer running at its optimum speed. He doesn't make your taxes any easier, or help you organize your correspondence.
So what does Cain do?
Cain helps you understand the world of today, so you can scream in your sleep all night. Cain tells you what the men with important eyebrows are REALLY saying when they jabber at you from the podium. Cain explains WHY you're fucked, and WHO did it. Then Cain goes full potato on your ass, fucks off with your bottle and your best girl, while you try to pick your teeth up off the floor.
How much would you pay for that kind of service? $100/month? $200/month?
Don't answer yet!
Because alongside his patented teef removal technology, Cain will ALSO tell you which of your cherished conspiracy theories are absolute rubbish! And even some of your not-so-conspiracy theories. All within 24 hours of you, the consumer, shooting off your big fat fucking mouth!
NOW how much would you pay?
Again, DON'T ANSWER YET!
After ALL OF THAT, there's STILL MORE! Cain will roofie your drinks and shop you out to rough trade, and you'll THANK HIM FOR IT. He'll use you for a dartboard, knock up your mom and your auntie, and wreck your fucking car in the living room of your house.
How much will you pay?
Well, it's hard to put it in terms of money. Think of it more as indentured servitude, only instead of learning a job, you just learn how to feel PAIN.
That's how much you'll pay.
Call now. Supplies aren't limited, but time is. Oh yes.
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???
Mangrove,
Will pay extra shipping & handling.
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:54:02 PM
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???
Mangrove,
Will pay extra shipping & handling.
No, but a punch in the face is offered with every CC purchase.
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 08, 2012, 09:54:42 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:54:02 PM
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???
Mangrove,
Will pay extra shipping & handling.
No, but a punch in the face is offered with every CC purchase.
Throw in a Shamwow and you've got yourself a deal.
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:56:46 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 08, 2012, 09:54:42 PM
Quote from: Mangrove on October 08, 2012, 09:54:02 PM
If I call now with my credit card, can I get two CAINS???
Mangrove,
Will pay extra shipping & handling.
No, but a punch in the face is offered with every CC purchase.
Throw in a Shamwow and you've got yourself a deal.
Hell yeah. We've got crates of those stacked up after Billy Mays violated his contract by croaking early. Drove poor Vince into meth abuse out of pure despondency.
GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN
GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN
GET THE STAINS OUT
WITH CAIN
I CAN'T
GET THE STAINS OUT
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
GET THE STAINS WITH CAIN GET THE STAINS STAINS STAINS I CAN'T
GET RID OF THE STAINS.
Hello. I am Eater of Clowns and I am calling to leave my positive review of the Cain product which I must swear to you is done of my own free will. The first thing Cain did upon arrival is to train my yappy dog. He insisted that training dogs is primarily a problem of training people, which he was inordinately happy to do. He was very kind to the children, who were not fitted with shock collars like the wife and myself. In fact, the children were given more responsibility! They were given the controls to the shock collars.
I was not convinced my purchase was wise. When presenting my concerns to newly appointed Thane of the Living Room Timmy, he smiled at me and explained that contracts were involved, that agreements were had and did I really want to be the one to go back on that sort of thing? I do not know what Cain did to help the dog's teeth grow so fine and long, but when it growled to punctuate Mr. Timmy's sentiments they certainly looked healthier. I told him that I did not remember signing such things and asked to bring the problem to the Grand Vizier.
Her Wiseness Margaret, fond of me from our time before Cain's arrival, was her normal sweet self. She even reluctantly agreed to show me the contracts signed by my wife. The several inches thick stack of papers presented looked very official and I asked to view her signature. She pleasantly agreed that I should, but after her thumb hovered over the shock controls I decided that I trusted my good girl and if she could tell mommy that I miss her I would be ever so thankful.
Some time later our United Progress Meeting was called and after my wife and I embraced for our months apart we were told that the shock collars were never even armed. We laughed and laughed at that like a family never has, tears spilling through my hands as I cradled my wife into sensibility. The children's laughter was so genuine and adult, edged and mature like I never would have thought possible. They informed us that our unit (that's what they call our family now, haha, so cute!) was producing at a rate just above average in our subsector and the shock collars would stay on to help us along a bit. I asked if they would turn them on this time and they laughed again and we joined because it was the only thing that made sense anymore.
I would like to thank Cain in person but he is very busy and does not seem to notice me as I go about my duties. He was very kind to put in a suggestion box and I carefully write him a thank you note every day at Mr. Timmy's clear instruction. It is the best part of my day as sometimes my wife is doing the same and our hands are able to briefly touch before we part again. Cain has truly strengthened our relationship if even such a small hint of affection can mean so much to us.
I have recommended Cain to all of my friends at our monthly designated subsector fraternisation meetings, and they think it is the funniest joke because of course they already use his services! Such is his effectiveness that you too will only know others who use him.
HURRY HURRY HURRY
CAIN SAYS
HURRY
GET THE STAINS OUT
Yes! The stains, the stains of course can't forget the stains. Haha. Yes, yes Cain gets the stains out. Thane of the Living Room Timmy insists to me that this is true.
I CAN'T GET THE STAINS
OUT
CAIN SAYS
OUT
BUT THE HARDER I SCRUB
THE
MORE THE BLOOD SPREADS ON THE WALL
AND THE BONES IN MY
FINGERS
ARE
COMING
LOOSE.
SPOT
STAIN
SPOT
STAINSPOT
CLEAN SPOT CAIN
CAN'T
CAN
STAIN
SPOTCAINSPOTCLEANCAN'TSPOTCAIN
CLEAN.
Best.
Thread.
EVER.
More coherent reply will have to wait until the vodka takes effect.
I shall buy one Cain in exchange for a dead brother and JudeoChristianity please?
Quote from: Chromia on October 09, 2012, 08:07:09 PM
I shall buy one Cain in exchange for a dead brother and JudeoChristianity please?
Cain only accepts actual money and/or major credit cards.
So no dead relatives, weird cults, or Euros, please.
What's the ALSO GET with this one?
STAINS.
Quote from: M. Nigel Salt on October 08, 2012, 10:02:51 PM
GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN
GET THE STAINS OUT WITH CAIN
GET THE STAINS OUT
WITH CAIN
I CAN'T
GET THE STAINS OUT
I CAN'T I CAN'T I CAN'T
GET THE STAINS WITH CAIN GET THE STAINS STAINS STAINS I CAN'T
GET RID OF THE STAINS.
Nigel's head seems like a slightly more run down neighborhood than even mine. :lol:
The rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain.
(STAINS, STAINS)
I think he's got it! I think he's got it!
THE STAINS IN SPAIN CAN BE REMOVED WITH CAIN.
BY GEORGE HE'S GOT IT. BY GEORGE HE'S GOT IT.
Now, once again. What is Cain?
FOR THE STAINS.
FOR THE STAINS.
And what removes the stains?
(STAINS, STAINS)
ONLY CAIN, ONLY CAIN.
AN EXCERPT FROM MY FEAR LADY.
:D
Quote from: hirley0 on January 21, 2012, 05:57:25 AM
6 KAN YeaH i'z Aq now 2 tell ?
whatever you feel is appropriate. | i asume you refer to ode to cain
a simple refrain to drain the brain || at a tepmo whiTch |
makes your navel twitch | and more than that | a little brat
scream & scream | leave this scene !!!| (xx) bridge |
the rain in spain | is on the plane | or else it wets | the awsome cain
hirley0 won the thread 9 months before it started?
:eek:
Quote from: Pæs on December 20, 2012, 11:00:29 PM
hirley0 won the thread 9 months before it started?
:eek:
Well that's sufficiently PANTS SHITTINGLY TERRIFYING.
:eek: :eek: :horrormirth:
Quote from: Pope Tom I on December 20, 2012, 10:55:52 PM
Quote from: hirley0 on January 21, 2012, 05:57:25 AM
6 KAN YeaH i'z Aq now 2 tell ?
whatever you feel is appropriate. | i asume you refer to ode to cain
a simple refrain to drain the brain || at a tepmo whiTch |
makes your navel twitch | and more than that | a little brat
scream & scream | leave this scene !!!| (xx) bridge |
the rain in spain | is on the plane | or else it wets | the awsome cain
OH
FUCK.
I stood up for him once against someone who thought they'd take the piss. Only once. I hope that's enough, you know, to help me survive the coming days.
:eek:
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on October 08, 2012, 08:38:55 PM
Cain does not save you. He wouldn't if he could. Cain does not make common household tasks easier. Cain does not help you find restaurants in your area. Cain does not make technology, or even make it better. Cain will not help you get to sleep the night before your big presentation.
Cain doesn't freshen the air in your bathroom. Nor does he keep your computer running at its optimum speed. He doesn't make your taxes any easier, or help you organize your correspondence.
So what does Cain do?
Cain helps you understand the world of today, so you can scream in your sleep all night. Cain tells you what the men with important eyebrows are REALLY saying when they jabber at you from the podium. Cain explains WHY you're fucked, and WHO did it. Then Cain goes full potato on your ass, fucks off with your bottle and your best girl, while you try to pick your teeth up off the floor.
How much would you pay for that kind of service? $100/month? $200/month?
Don't answer yet!
Because alongside his patented teef removal technology, Cain will ALSO tell you which of your cherished conspiracy theories are absolute rubbish! And even some of your not-so-conspiracy theories. All within 24 hours of you, the consumer, shooting off your big fat fucking mouth!
NOW how much would you pay?
Again, DON'T ANSWER YET!
After ALL OF THAT, there's STILL MORE! Cain will roofie your drinks and shop you out to rough trade, and you'll THANK HIM FOR IT. He'll use you for a dartboard, knock up your mom and your auntie, and wreck your fucking car in the living room of your house.
How much will you pay?
Well, it's hard to put it in terms of money. Think of it more as indentured servitude, only instead of learning a job, you just learn how to feel PAIN.
That's how much you'll pay.
Call now. Supplies aren't limited, but time is. Oh yes.
SEND ME A CASE OF CAINS. I NEED TO GET THIS SHIT OVER WITH.
Quote from: Pæs on December 20, 2012, 11:00:29 PM
hirley0 won the thread 9 months before it started?
:eek:
There is only one explanation: hirley0 exists outside of spacetime, or he has access to a powerful time machine. (well, that was two)