This is in connection with the PD2006 idea from a while back...
Would anyone be interested in assisting me (or just taking the ball and running, as I am a bit busy) in the creation of a Discordian bible? The PD as it is could be a sort of "old testament", and then we could write new shit and new revelations, that may even contradict the old stuff ... or better yet, definitely contradict the old stuff. It would be the New Testament. Maybe we could even write some stuff like psalms...
Anyone interested?
And yes, please note that I had this idea on the 23rd! ZOMG PINEALSHIT!
Could be fun. I see lots of fun to be had in producing other supporting or contradictory Gospels, Letters to various other Religions / peoples, and Dead Sea Scrolls for this, as well as the main chunk.
What were you visualizing for the main testament? Like a springboard off of the "Life and times of Payne" sort of jizz?
Yes. something like that. Obviously the regular New Testament has Jesus as the focus, and we don't really have a Jesus figure that could come and tell what the story was really supposed to be about, so maybe the first step would be to create a Jesus of our own? Not a literal Bizarro Jesus (although that could be amusing), but an actual new creation we all had a part in. We could make a history for him or her and then have completely contradictory stories.
Perhaps something like the Bill Brasky stories?
A central idea / figure / history / tone we play off of would be helpful. Even if a few people write differnet assorted parts, they could then be cobbled together for authentic New TEst. style construction
I'd be down with writing the Gospel of St. Dick.
"This is that whiche I hath seen of "HIS" lyfe, what I hath remembered of it, and it is moftly naught bulshite. I am a fisher of sales who seeks greater net prophet."
We need an ineffable jaunt to the bizzare for miracles / parables.
One suggestion: it should be much shorter than the bible.
A single gospel would be preferred. Actually, if it was like the Gospel of Thomas, Judas, or Mary, where it was mostly fragments, with large parts missing, that would be kind of cool.
Just avoid the tl;dr trap.
Well the PD is already considerably shorter than the old testament of the Bible.
I dunno, I'm a little tired of the current tl;dr mindset, and am not really interested in pandering to it. Of course, there could always be multiple versions too...
A recent episode of CSI pwns this thread.
Or not. Whichever you prefer.
-toa,
the church of um... i forgot; it had a turtle...
Quote from: the other anonymous on April 23, 2009, 05:42:08 PM
A recent episode of CSI pwns this thread.
Or not. Whichever you prefer.
-toa,
the church of um... i forgot; it had a turtle...
:|
Also... 'pwns'? What is this, 2007?
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 05:24:41 PM
Well the PD is already considerably shorter than the old testament of the Bible.
I dunno, I'm a little tired of the current tl;dr mindset, and am not really interested in pandering to it. Of course, there could always be multiple versions too...
Like I said, loads of (heretical?) miscellany could be fit around the main "canon" portion. :mrgreen:
Quote from: Richter on April 23, 2009, 05:54:13 PM
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 05:24:41 PM
Well the PD is already considerably shorter than the old testament of the Bible.
I dunno, I'm a little tired of the current tl;dr mindset, and am not really interested in pandering to it. Of course, there could always be multiple versions too...
Like I said, loads of (heretical?) miscellany could be fit around the main "canon" portion. :mrgreen:
too heretical;dr
too misc;dr
-toa,
too lame;dr
Yes, we all find you very amusing TOA, now please move along to threads were people aren't trying to get something accomplished.
Emperor Norton? I mean, some spags already pilgrimage to his gravesite.
Shit, I can't believe I didn't think of him... :oops:
Quote from: Richter on April 23, 2009, 04:47:58 PM
the "Life and times of Payne" sort of jizz?
Jizz?
JIZZ?!
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 07:04:49 PM
Shit, I can't believe I didn't think of him... :oops:
LAWL, I thought you had intentionally skipped him since he's so familiar!! :lulz:
However, I like the idea of an inspired work of what happened to him during his 'exile'... perhaps a trip to the wilderness? A trek into Limbo? being taken up in Eris' chariot to see all the bullshit that rains down upon mankind?
how will your testapoop be different then the fru?
Quote from: Yάttᶿ on April 23, 2009, 07:31:36 PM
how will your testapoop be different then the fru?
:facepalm:
Quote from: Yάttᶿ on April 23, 2009, 07:31:36 PM
how will your testapoop be different then the fru?
The fru?
That sounds vaguely familiar...
the fru is a forgotten tome that is really badly photocopied
A discordian tome, or simply any badly photocopied tome?
Quote from: Payne on April 23, 2009, 07:10:35 PM
Quote from: Richter on April 23, 2009, 04:47:58 PM
the "Life and times of Payne" sort of jizz?
Jizz?
JIZZ?!
Yes. Jizz.
Get it the right places it causes new things to grow. Struck me as a sophmoric metaphor for it's influence on a new project.
Doesn't seem like there's a lot of interest in the idea, so I guess I'll can it.
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 11:03:23 PM
Doesn't seem like there's a lot of interest in the idea, so I guess I'll can it.
I think its a very good idea.
Quote from: Ratatosk on April 23, 2009, 11:05:44 PM
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 11:03:23 PM
Doesn't seem like there's a lot of interest in the idea, so I guess I'll can it.
I think its a very good idea.
So do I and I'm up for writing parts of it. I have a few other projects on the table, but starting May 15th, I'll have plenty of time for all of it.
I've got a little bit of something already written (from before I really spent much time here). Bit penalist, but I can clean it up and I have another installment of it sitting in a notebook which is hopefully less penalist.
Two or three different gospels, plus something akin to Proverbs? Those could be a shitload of memebombs, plus a few little stories.
I might be up for doing some illustrations. I need to work on my human figures, and there a few good photos of Norton in regalia.
I'm in for a gospel, and a few "letters to the...", I'm thinking.
I think it's a fantastic idea, I just can't possibly participate right now.
Although somewhere on the forum is the ballad of Cramson and deLAILah, which might fit in somewhere. I have no idea.
It's be easy enough to do this, really, but a lot of writing, and preferably a lot of different writers involved.
Set up a central character that we can all generally agree on (which is why I'm leaning to an entirely new and fictional character, no baggage associated with it, and it's much easier to get freaky with the writing). Write a basic life story, and ask people to riff off of it for some Gospels (Basic story driven Bring&Brag stuff), some Psalms (Memebombs), some Letters (Rants), some Acts (Rants/horromirth), a book of Prophecy (Horrormirth/ High Weirdness) or two. Get someone to edit it down into a single document, still split into Books, but more unified, throw some graphics in and you're done.
Some other significant characters could be created for their own individual Books.
The more editing processes it goes through, the better, especially with some more obtuse editors. Books that are rejected from the initial process can become Apocrypha, or some can be written specifically to be so.
Once you have this finished text, I suppose you could ask SSOOKN or some such to go through and plant codes'n'clues throughout, and some other people to leave other goodies.
I'd be happy to edit, too. I'll do a gospel and a couple letters.
I'd love to see at least one of the accepted gospels to mimic the Gnostic Gospels and Apocrypha to have one or two that resemble Paul or something. Also, someone should write a parallel to St. Augustine's Confessions.
We should write a version of the Nicene Creed and the Apostle's Creed, too. (I'll do that, towards the end, I think)
Jeebus details we need to agree on:
Male or female?
What era of history? (Just because PD was written in the 50s doesn't mean our Jeebus has to be modern--this is Eris after all. She might have hung onto the revelations until now just because she could).
Where was e born? Is there going to be a virgin involved? OR shall e be the product of a freak occurrence of male pregnancy?
Name?
I like the idea of running with the Payne-as-Christ theme.
I think it would be easier with a fictional character. Not that Payne isn't fictional...
Yeah. I'm largely fictional.
We could do some truly kick ass things with a completely new fictional character that has no reputation or other baggage.
What do you think? Male, female, or hermaphrodite?
Male. It's easier to write a stupid male character, which he'd have to be at points to make it sound Gospel-y.
No saying that we couldn't have an ambiguous name, of course, and make the gender interchangeable across different books, or even within single volumes.
Quote from: Payne on April 24, 2009, 06:28:24 PM
Male. It's easier to write a stupid male character, which he'd have to be at points to make it sound Gospel-y.
No saying that we couldn't have an ambiguous name, of course, and make the gender interchangeable across different books, or even within single volumes.
Agreed.
Here are a few names off the top of my head:
-Oxo
-Prim
-Divit
-Dorko
-Sim
-Sitch
Any of those strike anyone's fancy?
I like the sound of Oxo. "Oure St. Oxo the Prophet"
I've got a Letter and a Miracle report framed. Can't do much more without name / character / central dogma, so I'm eager to get started.
Which part were you agreeing to?
Also, Sim is quite good.
Quote from: Payne on April 24, 2009, 06:35:31 PM
Which part were you agreeing to?
Everything you said.
Some ideas, that I haven't particularly thought out (I guess that's what brainstorming is).
~ The geographical location doesn't particularly matter so much, no doubt it will largely be set in familiar locations for whoever is writing it. Same goes for era. Unless we are trying to make a specific point with either of these things, they don't matter. Our very contempt for unifying locations and timescales too much is a message in itself.
~ The more ordinary the character, the better. It'll make whatever messages we impart more universal. The weirder allegories can be binned because we aren't making a genuine spiritual revelation, and we can't really hope to have people spending TOO long reflecting on what they read.
~ A strong and visual image for the death* of the character. One of the most powerful symbols in Christianity is the crucifixion, for obvious reasons. People reading this will be wanting to see specifically what we are going to replace that symbol with. I'm thinking a scene of Horrormirth (much like the original, really :)) but of the Discordian flavour found and explored here on PD.
More as I think of it.
*He doesn't have to actually die though, I guess it could be a final crisis or profound epiphany.
I think it would be interesting if he was an orphan. And an useful plot point could be for him to be some sort of outcast?
And maybe spent time in a nuthouse?
That could work well. It also makes it more believable that he'd be a curious kinda guy with a lot of doubts, for later character development.
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 24, 2009, 07:14:21 PM
And maybe spent time in a nuthouse?
Depends. You could have that fairly early on as a character driving plot device, or later on as a key part of the plot itself.
Both ways have some intriguing possibilities.
What about a surname?
Dunno. We could find some way to tie it to the original PD though, as in some ways the New Testament is linked to the Old through the Book of Daniel.
Not so much of a big deal would be made of it, but some kind of continuation would make sense if only to emphasise that this work would be in effect a New Covenant like in the bible.
ETA: I was thinking something like Yamamoto, or whoever that dude with the nose was. Or Starbuck. Or some other PD reference.
That's a great idea.
I will comb the PD this weekend for names that would be appropriate.
Quote from: Ratatosk on April 23, 2009, 07:19:10 PM
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 07:04:49 PM
Shit, I can't believe I didn't think of him... :oops:
LAWL, I thought you had intentionally skipped him since he's so familiar!! :lulz:
However, I like the idea of an inspired work of what happened to him during his 'exile'... perhaps a trip to the wilderness? A trek into Limbo? being taken up in Eris' chariot to see all the bullshit that rains down upon mankind?
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 24, 2009, 07:14:21 PM
And maybe spent time in a nuthouse?
I like the idea of multiple stories set in the same time of the characters life, while he was away from whatever the main story is supposed to be. All contradictory, of course.
With regards to time and setting, I would say leave it as ambiguous as possible. Anybody ever read those science fiction short stories where the entire stories is as plain as possible, and then you realize that the characters are all aliens - which is never mentioned explicitly because of course the characters are aliens, yes they have eight limbs, but why would you mention that they have eight limbs? Do you mention that humans have four limbs in your stories about humans? etc.
You could refer to things as happening during the reign of King George, and in one story mention offhand that it's the reign of King George Bush or King George IV or something, etc. Or have a scholarly article tacked on at the end trying to figure out which George it was, and arguing a crazy position based on Southern American English being mistranslated because the translators assumed it was the US State Georgia rather than East Europe Georgia. Or something.
I'm probably good for a Letter over this summer.
Running with the idea of Apocrypha - wouldn't be to hard to whip up something Rev. Uncle BadTouch ish and put it in as something that didn't make the cut.
Main characters - does Enrico have is own book yet? If not, does he want one?
Letters - in the Bible all the letters are from one saint or other early church figure to either another figure or a group of people. There ought to be one from a group of people to just one person. Maybe a response to a sermon that the people liked or didn't like to much. Maybe something totally out there that really doesn't belong in a bible - a Letter to Mr. Payne from the City of Edinburgh, requesting his presence in court on such and such date. A letter from a nobody to the character - a small child asking our messiah if he would appear as a clown in his next birthday party, or get rid of an obnoxious kid.
Quote from: Nigel on April 24, 2009, 02:08:22 AM
I think it's a fantastic idea, I just can't possibly participate right now.
THIS.
All I can offer is a few thoughts...
Why decide anything about the Jesus guy at all? Wouldn't it be even more amusing if the different parts of the Testament contradict each other practically about everything? I mean, you could have a compilation of "facts" about the person and about the setting, points of orientation which the different authors can either concur with or contradict to create a consistency to those contradictions, but you don't actually have to have a "true story" at all... Just a bunch of stories riffing on a theme and bumping into each other... No?
Simpsons Schrodinger's Cat did it
Quote from: VERB` on April 25, 2009, 09:31:37 PM
Quote from: Nigel on April 24, 2009, 02:08:22 AM
I think it's a fantastic idea, I just can't possibly participate right now.
THIS.
All I can offer is a few thoughts...
Why decide anything about the Jesus guy at all? Wouldn't it be even more amusing if the different parts of the Testament contradict each other practically about everything? I mean, you could have a compilation of "facts" about the person and about the setting, points of orientation which the different authors can either concur with or contradict to create a consistency to those contradictions, but you don't actually have to have a "true story" at all... Just a bunch of stories riffing on a theme and bumping into each other... No?
I agree. The only thing I was really interested in agreeing on was the name.
The First Letter of Horowitz to Bintugor
I hope this finds you well, my friend, my roman, my countryman. Your ears have done me well and shall be returned in due time. There is much I wish to say, but only one sheet of paper upon which to say it. I shall henceforth be brief.
In all of my travels throughout the libraries along this highway, I have never encountered such a tale as that of Sir Simon Cowell, who, as you may tell by his title, was a noble person of accomplishment. In his youth, he was both a philosopher and a prostitute, detailing exquisite justifications to his clientele before savagely murdering them and, some say, eating their flesh. Perhaps most astounding is the claim that his victims knew of his intent and consented. Truly, this man possessed a tongue of unique skill. He was finally hung from the gallows on the eve of his twenty-fifth year by none other than his final client, the only one to escape alive -- Lady Hilary!
[the rest of this letter is pending...]
[Edit: This sucks. Ignore it.]
We need parables!
The King said to his people "Come, inherit the kingdom prepared for you, for when I was hungry you gave me food, when I was sick you comforted me, when I was in prison you visited me."
And the people asked "Lord, when we see you hungry, and feed you, or sick or in prison and come to you?"
And the King replied "In as much as you have done it unto the least of these my brethren, you have done it unto me."
**
The President said to his people "Come, vote for another official for whom this land has been prepared, for when you were hungry I fed you, when you were sick I comforted you, when you were in prison I visited you."
And the people asked "Mr. President, when did you see us hungry and feed us, or sick or in prison and come to us?"
And the President replied "In as much as you have paid your taxes, I have done it unto you."
Except better.
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 04:42:35 PM
This is in connection with the PD2006 idea from a while back...
Would anyone be interested in assisting me (or just taking the ball and running, as I am a bit busy) in the creation of a Discordian bible? The PD as it is could be a sort of "old testament", and then we could write new shit and new revelations, that may even contradict the old stuff ... or better yet, definitely contradict the old stuff. It would be the New Testament. Maybe we could even write some stuff like psalms...
Anyone interested?
And yes, please note that I had this idea on the 23rd! ZOMG PINEALSHIT!
Isn't this the 50th anniversary of Discordianism?
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on April 26, 2009, 04:17:54 AM
Quote from: Dr Hoopla on April 23, 2009, 04:42:35 PM
This is in connection with the PD2006 idea from a while back...
Would anyone be interested in assisting me (or just taking the ball and running, as I am a bit busy) in the creation of a Discordian bible? The PD as it is could be a sort of "old testament", and then we could write new shit and new revelations, that may even contradict the old stuff ... or better yet, definitely contradict the old stuff. It would be the New Testament. Maybe we could even write some stuff like psalms...
Anyone interested?
And yes, please note that I had this idea on the 23rd! ZOMG PINEALSHIT!
Isn't this the 50th anniversary of Discordianism?
ZOMG!!!!! 23CABBAGESTARBUCKPINEALBOMB!!!!!!!!
I'm going to write a life story thing for this messiah dude later on today. I could probably Gospel it up afterwards.
~~~Payne: Needs something to do later.
And I'm going to write it out as Oxo Motomomo. All those O's are cool, and rearranging Momomoto from the PD can be worked into the story that I'm going to write.
It can be changed later if needs be.
I'll post bits as and when I come up with them to see if I can get people going on this idea.
Dunno if this strikes the right tone, but I'm just shooting some ideas out.
Also, I've kept a little of the biblical style wording, but not so much that it becomes difficult to follow.
~~~~~
And so it came to pass after many seasons that a child was born to a man and a woman in the rural districts outside The City. He was fair of appearance, and thusly did the people say this is a well aspected child who has surely been sent to ease our burdens as we toil upon the land of The City.
To earthly parents he was born, and to them he was also a gift of those above. Much gladness was found within the household of the father and of the mother, for he was perfect of form and filled those who looked upon him with happiness.
For one half decade did the babe grow, and for every dawn did the father grub in the dirt for the meager produce of the earth and for every dawn did the mother toil to maintain the house and also the houses of her neighbours then did also every evening did they join for repast and for rest.
Then did they begin to wonder at Oxo, for he was of a serious demeanour and of a lazy aspect but yet did he fill the hearts of men and of women with love for him. It was decided that he should be sent to work with his father for half of the day, from dawn to the height of noon, to turn the dusty earth and to remove weeds. And that on other days he would be sent to work with his mother for half the day, from dawn to the height of noon to maintain the house and to scrub the clothing and the cook wares and the other things of the family.
Past noon, Oxo would be sent to learn at the feet of the wisemen of the village, and to come to know many things, for he was to be of higher station thereafter than a farmer.
And so for five years more did the youth Oxo toil in the fields with the elder Motomomo, and toil in the house of Motomomo with his mother, and he became stronger and learned the ways of life for his parents. In the afternoons did he learn from the wisemen, and was taught of reading and numbers and received instruction in the holy book of his father and his father before him.
He was taught of the sacred numbers of the holy book, and of the the other holy things, but he was was found to be a poor student by the wisemen who said what is to be done with this boy child who hears our words but does not follow the teaching and follows not the holy teaching of the twenty three, and believes not in the five commandments? And they were sore wroth with his education, but could not yet turn away from his fair aspect without being cheered by it.
But in his tenth year did Oxo lose his father in an accident, who had gone to the field at dawn but did not return at dusk, and had not returned by the next dusk or by the dawn which followed. Filled with fear for her husband did his mother send Oxo to the field to search for Motomomo who was needed by Oxo and by his mother.
In the field and all around did Oxo look for his father but no sign was to be found. He looked north and east and south and west but found nothing. At the height of noon did he return to the centre and rest while he thought of what next to do. And in a hollow there that was hidden from the north and from the east and from the south and from the west did he find his father who was still and there was no life in him. There was upon him no mark and no sign, and it seemed as if his life had run out from him as water from a glass.
Oxo returned to his mother and told her of the news and sore wroth was she and her heart was heavy with grief. Later then did the men of the village, farmer and wiseman, go to Motomomo with Oxo and did bring his body back and it was buried that same day, and the men did say to Oxo that he was young yet to work in the field from dawn to dusk and they resolved to do the work.
And as time passed did the mother of Oxo grow more weary of grief and she died of it not long after and was too buried with Motomomo, and others of the village resolved to maintain his house and to scrub the clothing and the cook wares and the other things which were Oxos. And the wisemen did say that they would cotinue to teach him, for he errant before and they did resolve he should not err further.
Revelation of the Triad of Nothing
ONE
It was the Year of Our Lady three thousand and something when Oxo Divit Prim appeared to me as vibrant vibrations. He said unto me, with what might have been a booming voice, "Do Not Listen" and the world would have gone silent. The deafening lack of noise would have made me stand nonplussed for moment upon moment, as I would likely have wondered what in the name of Oxomotomomomotototo was going on. If a Shadow had been creeping up on me, I would not have heard it coming.
Except that this did not happen, as I blinked, became aware and looked up, saying, "Excuse me? I was not listening". And if only the world had been more quiet, I might have been able to make out the sacred wisdom that came from the muttering under his breath, as he turned and walked briskly into a wall.
Payne, it's quality stuff, but much like the bible it imitates, kinda boring to read... I don't know if there's anyway to fix it without losing the style...
Zip, that made me larf.
I liked Payne's contribution and read the whole thing, but was mildly disappointed that, much like the actual Bible, there was no punch line.
There needs to be scooby stories.
That was just the first part of it, and covers nothing much. It's just setting the scene as it were.
Also, It's a bare bones kinda thing which I'm going to base the Good Shit(tm) on.
~~~Payne: Has written Biblical style epics before.
Well, shit, I'm looking forward to it then.
When I can fit it in. This week is gunna be busy, what with Dentists, Psychiatrists, Community Workers and Funerals.
All the fun things in life.
The only idea I have for this project:
Psalms.
Psalms are a MUST.
The Miracle of Perfect Pancake Seperation : The Lesser Testament St. Dick
Twas in a time certain months after the passing of our Lord Oxo Prim. Having a span of days which circumstance had contrived to fill with long, though joyous tasks, I was greatly exhausted, and in dire want of food. I came late that eve to an inn proprieted by a gentile named "Denny", who we never did meet, but whose services we did employ. Far into the night did they do their business, respite, food and drinks were readily available. In my wanton hunger I partook of fries smothered with cheese, hash with many meats, and pancakes. Rarely in those days did I partake of pancakes, and seldom afterwards, but in my haste to consume, I bolted them down because they were there. Their vile weight lay not lightly upon my gut, and I ran to the privy in fear of loosing my midnight luncheon. Standing there before the john, I implored our Lord, "Am I destined to loose the goodness I have partaken of? Have I simply rented the whole of these vittles on account of one vile pancake?"
A reply came upon me from the drop tile ceiling, "Nay, my son, relieve thyself only of what offends thee, and retain that which is good."
The voice fell silent, and I reared forwards in the position of punk rock vomitation.
LO! Only the pancake matter was ejected! The good hash and meat, fries and cheese were retained by my uncannily discriminating gullet. I gave thanks to Our Lord, and went back for some coffee and a breath - mint, still well fortified for the days to come.
May Our Lord grant me greater prudence, and such control when it is again needed.
lol
Revelation of the Triad of Nothing
TWO
I was asleep, hurriedly counting mutating sheep. The deadline was approaching, but the fluffy fuckers just kept reciting their mobile phone numbers, throwing me off.
Aeons passed. When the sheep were replaced by cream coloured cotton cubes, at the count of three thousand and something, the great apparatus of Oxo Spritz Prim Motomotor Oil apparitioned in front of my starry focus. "Open your eyes, you sleepyhead! Awaken! The World of Yesterday needs a good looking Derailment of Thought!", said the Holy Gloopy Cookie as it sunk back into the floating reef made of pink icescream metal sponges.
I twisted and turned, murmured something about how the Revolution would just need a few more pithy one-liners and then I would surely get up and go pack my bags in the other room, okay?
1 And Lo, did I awaken; and opened my eyes, which were mine; and I grew afraid. 2 O LORD! What is this place I did awaken! My eyes, which are mine, see naught but walls around me! 3 And my body was surrounded by iron bars that were like bars, made of iron. 4 And through the gaps in the bars I could see paradise; for it was paradise; and lo, paradise it was. 5 I waxed wroth at the sight, and shook my fist with fury and wrath, I waxed. 6 On, I waxed, and off. I waxed on, and I waxed off. 7 Having waxed off, I became filled with calm, and I spoke unto the heaven, "anyone got a wet-nap?" 8 And an angel spoke unto me, speaking; and he spake thus: Was That Really Necessary? 9 Nay! I cried, tell me, what are these black bars of iron which are black and irony? 10 And the angel dost say, "I Dunno, You Built It."
niiiiiiiiiiiiice one LMNO
and lo, it was nice
and by LMNO
fucking a!
:mittens:
Quote from: LMNO on April 28, 2009, 07:59:49 PM
1 And Lo, did I awaken; and opened my eyes, which were mine; and I grew afraid. 2 O LORD! What is this place I did awaken! My eyes, which are mine, see naught but walls around me! 3 And my body was surrounded by iron bars that were like bars, made of iron. 4 And through the gaps in the bars I could see paradise; for it was paradise; and lo, paradise it was. 5 I waxed wroth at the sight, and shook my fist with fury and wrath, I waxed. 6 On, I waxed, and off. I waxed on, and I waxed off. 7 Having waxed off, I became filled with calm, and I spoke unto the heaven, "anyone got a wet-nap?" 8 And an angel spoke unto me, speaking; and he spake thus: Was That Really Necessary? 9 Nay! I cried, tell me, what are these black bars of iron which are black and irony? 10 And the angel dost say, "I Dunno, You Built It."
Right on, man! Great stuff.
The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)
1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else. 11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern. 19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.
This is good shit guys. I will have to get some in since I thought the damn thing up... why do I always make more work for myself?
A slight reworking of an older piece of writing:
THE GOSPEL OF HOOPLA
CHAPTER ONE
1. The book of the generations of the unfortunately named Oxo Prim the Fowler; the son of Dorko, the son of Camel Toe.
2. Camel Toe begat Slappy; and Slappy begat Little Ron-Ron; and Little Ron-Ron begat Big Horse; Big Horse begat Ozias; Ozias begat One-Eye and his brethren;
3. And One-Eye begat Ostrich Boy; and Ostrich Boy begat Susan; and Susan begat Wiley Willie; and Wiley Willie begat the Hamhock; and the Hamhock begat Little Zeke of her that had been the wife of Uranass;
4. And Little Zeke begat Roboham; and Roboham begat Jo-Jo the Sinning Sinner; Jo-Jo the Sinning Sinner begat Jim-Jim the Singing Singer; and Jim-Jim the Singing Singer begat Captain Rubik; Captain Rubik begat Tic Toc and his brethren;
5. And Tic Toc begat Stubby; and Stubby begat Fucked Boy; and Fucked Boy begat Fudgee-O; and Fudgee-O begat Dorko the husband of Val of whom was born Oxo, who is called the Fowler. So all generations from Camel Toe to One-Eye are five generations; and from One-Eye until Little Zeke are five generations; and from Little Zeke until Tic Toc are five generations; and from Tic Toc unto Oxo are five generations. Verily, I say this unto you, the bullshit doesn't fall very far from the horse's ass. Fnord.
THE GOSPEL OF HOOPLA
CHAPTER TWO
1. Now the birth of the Fowler was on this jive: When as his mother Val was asposta marry Dorko, before they came to be husband and wife, she was found with child.
2. Then Dorko her husband, being a just man, got rip-roaringly hammered, and passed out in the part of the basement deemed 'the rec room', and behold a messenger of the Goddess appeared from betwixt the faux-wood panelling, saying: " Dorko, thou son of Hamhock, fear not to take unto thee Val thy wife: for that which is conceived in her is of She What Started It All.
3. "And she shall bring forth a son, and thou shalt call him PANDEMONAEON for no good reason". Now all this was done that it might be fulfilled which was spoken of the Goddess by the prophet Coleslaw, saying,
4. Behold! Some chick shall be all knocked up and shall bring forth a son and they shall call him ERISTOTLE, which can be interpreted as 'Eris is the shizzle'.
5. Then Dorko, being raised from his drunken stupor, did as the Messenger Of The Goddess suggested and took unto him Val as his wife. And Dorko said unto her, over Sloppy Joes and Dr. Pepper: 'Some crazy mofo said to name the kid PANDEMONAEON or ERISTOTLE'. Val said unto Dorko: 'Well? Which is it?" and Dorko replied: "Fuck it, let's go with Oxo; it's shorter." And so it was. Fnord.
PLIGHT OF THE EMO
1 Yea, as I walk through the shadows and the darkness and the night, and the murky fog, and I hate my parents; 2 I shall flip my dyed black hair in front of my eyes and squint, for I shall not be able to see, which makes me mysterious. 3 And glare I shall, with the knowledge that the whole world is against me, as I slouch along the cobblestone path of the boarding school my parents pay $15,000 a year to send me. 4 'O LORD!' I cry, but in, like, a really artistic way, 'why dost not anyone understand my singular uniqueness, that I am an individual, just like all my friends?' 5 But the LORD does not answer me, as expected, and I think ahead to the sharpened Bic pen cap I keep in my room that I poke myself with; 6 Because, you know, the only way to let the pain out is to let the pain... in? 7 No, that's not right. 8 Whatever.
Quote from: LMNO on April 29, 2009, 02:00:17 PM
The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)
1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else. 11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern. 19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.
This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.
Y'know what I'm saying?
Quote from: VERB` on April 29, 2009, 10:31:48 PM
Quote from: LMNO on April 29, 2009, 02:00:17 PM
The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)
1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else. 11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern. 19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.
This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.
Y'know what I'm saying?
My take on it was (and correct me if I'm wrong, LMNO) was that Graud is the first human to find the patterns of order, and he is explaining it to the other hairless apes for the first time, and they ain't buying it.
Quote from: Hoopla on April 29, 2009, 10:52:05 PM
Quote from: VERB` on April 29, 2009, 10:31:48 PM
Quote from: LMNO on April 29, 2009, 02:00:17 PM
The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)
1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else. 11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern. 19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.
This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.
Y'know what I'm saying?
My take on it was (and correct me if I'm wrong, LMNO) was that Graud is the first human to find the patterns of order, and he is explaining it to the other hairless apes for the first time, and they ain't buying it.
Or they insist in seeing different patterns than he does?
That too.
THE GOSPEL OF HOOPLA
CHAPTER THREE
1. So. After Oxo, who is also called the Fowler, was born in the Land of Cleve during the reign of Nixon the king, five shysters from the east arrived in the royal city of Washington, saying,
2. "Where be this cat who could be called King of the Booze? For we have heard that he can outdrink Dean Martin, and would like to challenge him to a beer-bong contest."
3. When King Nixon heard this jive he was troubled, for he himself coveted a spot in the holy Dean Martin roast, and the boss title of King of the Booze, for he could polish off fifteen Old Fashioned cocktails, bowl a three hundred game, and still reduce Don Rickles to tears.
4. Gathering together the chief priests and scribes of the people, he inquired of them where the Fowler was asposta be born. His high priest, Kissinger, said unto him this, "In the Land of Cleve, for this is what has been written on the bathroom wall by the prophet Coleslaw:
5. O you, Cleve, in the land of Unistat, you are not fully the shittiest of places, for from your honky-tonks and gin joints shall rise one who will be the son of the Goddess Herself, She who is called Strife by Her enemies, Eris by her friends, and Hey You by those who know her not so well."
Encore! Thunderstruck by ALL of these! (holy shit) ENCORE!
Quote from: VERB` on April 29, 2009, 10:31:48 PM
Quote from: LMNO on April 29, 2009, 02:00:17 PM
The Sermon of Graud (or Gruad, depending on your translation of some of the secret letters of the True Alphabet)
1 O my children, I see the vastness of the Universe before me. 2 Whoa. 3 It's really fucking big. 4 But in these swirling masses, brethren of mine, 5 (who are my brethren) 6 I see the patterns emerging from the Chaos. 7 No, over there. 8 Over there, dummy. 9 These patterns, my children, these potent portents, they shall lead us from the confusion that surrounds us! 10 Truly, when Order can lift itself from Chaos, it proves that the Order we find in the Universe is greater than all else. 11 We must dedicate ourselves to the Order, we must seek it out wherever it may be, from the smallest to the greatest. 12 No, from this point over to that one. 13 What, are you blind? 14 No, I'm not 'making this up as I go along'! 15 O my children, let this all-pervasive Order guide you in your lives. 16 Give not yourselves into the sloth of Disorder; the ragged irrational Chaos. 17 For Chaos is a dumb brute, blindly swallowing worlds without a thought. 18 For Chaos has no thought, it has no structure, it has no pattern. 19 There is nothing in Chaos that shows itself as having a design, or a plan. 20 Far better for us, my brethren, to follow the ways of Order, and Intelligence; for the other way lies madness. 21 What do you mean, you still can't see it? 22 I swear, I can't take you anywhere. 23 You know what, we should just go.
This is def. good stuff, but it seems to me to imply that people can't normally see the order even when you point it out to them, which is kind of bullshit. It's more like there's this guy describing all the awesome kinds of chaos going on and people spontaneously insist that that chaos is actually order.
Y'know what I'm saying?
Don't look at
me man, I'm just translating the ancient scrolls.
Testimonials -http://www.geocities.com/tribhis/testimonials.html
Since the DSSS/PMM has been engaging in counter-evangelism activities, several former Evangelical Christians have had their minds opened by our guerrilla ontology and our dedication to Eris. We never thought we could get Christians to change their minds, reject the putrid viral-memes of dogma, and blossom to Pineal maturity as Erisians. But then again, who can resist Eris?
The following are some short testimonials written by former Christians who have been liberated.
We will add more as we get them. or not
"I was born in a house completely ruled by Yahweh. As an infant, I have been offered to him through an ancient water ritual. I have worshipped the Christ for 21 years, mastering many of his dark arts and I have progressed to one of the higher positions in His Kingdom. However, my life was a constant torture, full of loneliness and hate. I was convinced that I would never escape from Yahweh's claws. Now, I thank my Lady, Eris, for well-deserved laughter. When I wanted to break free, She sent me help and exploded my mind. And while in all agonies and distress, I threw myself at Her feet. She granted me laughter and poptarts. It all was for free. Today I am standing as a witness that Eris laughs and illuminates even the dirtiest of aneristics. Rise up, there is hope! All Hail the Goddess Eris!"
-Burning Trees, Creatrix of Confusion (Church of Eris)
"Dear Reader, Eris did NOT die for me. So now I can live for Her! Or Myself! Or whatever I see fit! Chaos, Discord, and Laughter are the Powers that set me FREE. False religions, lies, divorce, deception and hurt were all part of my childhood life. Due to the Curse of Greyface placed on me before birth by my ancestors, I was doomed to a life of total destruction. The interference of Eris and Her children broke the curses, oaths and covenants of order. She delivered me from a life caught in fundamentalism, Bible-worship, addiction and dogma. She helped me shatter the chains that kept me captive in the darkness. My hurt She healed and my hate was replaced with the true love of Will. She gave me hope instead of despair, compassion in the place of rejection, and intelligent vindication in the face of denial. She wants to help you do the same for yourself! She revealed Herself as the Mother of all Gods (when She is not in drag), a sometimes irritating friend and a confidant. She loves me despite the fact that I had denied Her - even though I had personally chosen to follow one of Her supposed enemies, Yahweh. (Though Aphrodite may be another.) With Her laughter, She has washed away my sick addiction to order. Her laughter is still calling today. In fact it is calling to you if you have not yet made the decision to follow the Lady of Discordia, the true and free energies of Chaos, Eris. You see, it doesn't matter what mistakes you have made in the past, give in to the laughter and confusion of Eris and you will never be the same again!"
-Max Fishbones, KNS, Shepherd of the Pies, General Dysfunction of the Right Jihad Against Pinkery
"I used to be afraid to leave the Christian Cult of my family. I was afraid that they might do something horrible to me. In their places of sacrifice (which they call 'churches' to mock the Erisian Irreligion), I was witness to all sorts of horrible occult crimes, such as the drinking of human blood (which they call the Blood of Christ), and cannibalism. I was looking for a way out but had lost all hope, because the Christians are everywhere, from the loweliest of trailor-park dwellers to the highest echelons of power. I was afraid that they would use their dark occult powers of prayer (a particularly secretive form of Christian hex-casting) and bibliolatry. Their evil conspiracy was everywhere in control of society...Or so they had me believe. All Praise to Eris! I am now free of that delusion. I have seen through the lies. I am no longer afraid because I stand, dance, wiggle, and laugh with the Children of Chaos. I am no longer a slave to the perversions of Christianity. Now I'm free.
-Selena the Silly, High Priestess of the POEE
"Our family Matriarch 'The Grandmother' had me indoctrinated as a young child and at school age I was taken by a sect of Christianity and made to believe their sick and twisted teachings, their 'holy' commandments. They said that theirs was the only true god and all others are false. The very things they purported to abhor i.e. intolerance, hate and fear, were rife in the order and my soul was made sick by it. They beat me down with their hate of the pantheon of other gods and forbade me human contact with those of other faiths. I rebelled, resisting the crush of the greyfaces and researched in the forbidden sections of the library, where I found our Lady Eris sitting in a corner watching me intently with a gleam in Her eye. She stuck a bunless hotdog under my nose, squirted me with the mustard, giggled and led me from that house of the jealous god to life and laughter in Her bosom. Hail Eris!"
-Rev. St. Syn, KSC (Omnibenevolent Polyfather of Obcenity in Titanium)
May 11th, 2005
http://www.geocities.com/tribhis/kallistagospel.html
Malaclypse The Younger, the great non-prophet of the Discordian Society, was vexed sorely and surely, for he felt his time had come. His number was up. In this trying hour, he had not the foresight to remember that times like these were probably the result of his God, Our Lady Eris pulling his leg or yanking his chain-whichever was easier to grab at the moment. He fell down upon his knees shaking with tears. He cried out to Eris.
Eris laughed.
Malaclypse The Younger rent his garments and covered his body in dust.
Eris laughed most loudly at this point. She decided to give St. Gulik a break and went to visit Malaclypse personally.
"Now what is troubling you this time?" She spake. And Malaclypse the Younger proceeded to a tirade against the state of the world and the oppression of his people, the Erisians, who were spat upon in the land of the Fat City, in which his foremothers had gone into to escape the evil of their homeland. "Don't you see," he asked of his God, "what is going on? Or have you been spending too much of thy time watching the Discovery Channel again?"
God, Our Lady Eris, ignored that last jab and proceeded to laugh unto Her utmost. Then She spake "Mal, you ARE free. Remember?"
Malaclypse The Younger had run out of tears at this point. He wiped the snot from his nose and answered, "Even so, look around thee and see that thy people, are longing for something more." God spake "Very well. Let us look and see what can be done, but only if you promise to stop whining. It's not funny anymore."
So they walked along the sides of the roads, and yea, over mountains, amidst cities, and across fields, even through bowling alleys and forests. They shared poptarts and beer. And they smoked righteously strong clove cigarettes. They looked all throughout the Land of Thud.
And God saw that the Erisian people were harried in this land.
And God spake unto the prophet Malaclypse The Younger, "You will lead your people across the wide waters, the wide desert, the mountains, and the great forests unto a new land."
Malaclypse The Younger was fearful, and he cried to God, "How will we cross the wide waters, desert, mountains, and forests? For they are cold, hot, and dry, and they are filled with all manner of hazardous substances and raw sewage and other pollutants." And God responded, "fear not, Malaclypse The Younger, for great bridges, highways, and flying machines will be built, and the people will cross into this land. And this land will be called Northern California. I say, lo, I have promised this land to the Erisian people, to the Discordians, to the Chaoists, to the Witches, and all the other weird peoples. And this land shall be blessed with fruits and nuts (and even jokers), unto fifty generations (if not more)."
God laughed again, and then left him there to tell his people. Or not.
And Malaclypse The Younger knew he should have kept his mouth shut. "What kind of joke is this?" He said to no one in particular. But Eris heard him and shouted from the heavens so that only he could hear, "If I send other messangers, will you leave me alone?"
Malaclypse fell asleep and had terrifying visions of a future time of Erisians claiming to speak for colored animals, and of the rise of the White Mouse. The White Mouse caused vicious chain reactions of chaos and laughter wherever he went. And minds were blown wide open. He saw God, Our Lady Eris, among these newer Erisians, and knew that they would do even greater things. Malaclypse the Younger woke up and experienced peace and bliss for the first time in decades. Until he realized he had only been dreaming. His time could still be up and yet he had asked God nothing about this.
Let she with understanding listen to these words and understand. All Erisians are free, if they simply choose to become free. Do not let thy pineal glands be covered in dust, but blow them in the winds.
-from the Complete Collection of the Gospels, As Revealed to St. Kallista by Our Lady Eris on the Fifty-Ninth Day of the Season of Chaos, in Her Year Three-Thousand One-Hundred and Seventy-One.
Yatto, do you know who wrote these by any chance? We should probably get some sort of permission first I guess.
property of purple monkey mafia is kopyleft (copy it and leave it where you found it)
and ill beat anyone with a stick who says otherwise
Didn't Hugh have something to do with the Purple Monkey Mafia?
he wrote a few pieces i think (http://www.geocities.com/tribhis/wvdiscordianism.html)
but hes not on the roster sheet that i inherited
Ok then. :wink:
pasta* or not
(http://img410.imageshack.us/img410/1039/fsmw1024x768.jpg) (http://img410.imageshack.us/my.php?image=fsmw1024x768.jpg)
*can you spoof a spoof?
Quote from: Epimetheus on June 05, 2009, 10:03:54 PM
:fnord: the real Jesus that was a rebellious troublemaker and tried to get people to wake up from the stupidity and lies of the time through his own ridiculous preaching (Colbert-style).
:mittens:
The New Testament doesn't get good until Paul comes along frothing at the mouth and ranting off his soapbox, or until John of Patmos starts telling us we're all going to die