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« on: June 21, 2021, 10:16:07 pm »
A friend of mine is on a 30 day FB ban, so I have started writing him letters.
Dear James,
Remember when we all used to worry about Large Hardon Collider thingie being turned on and fucking up the timeline? Well, if you look at the date they turned it on, it explains everything. It ran from 2010 to 2013 before being shut down for “upgrades”. Then it ran from 2015 to 2018, and then stopped for MORE upgrades.
And we all know what happened from 2015 until now, right? Leaving the Bloated One aside, 2015 killed all of our heroes and 2016 showed us that the ones that didn’t die were all perverts & abusers. Murder hornets. Plague. An insurrection AND the boat got stuck, and believe you me, the current economic disruption from that has just started. And the entire time all of this has been going on, Trump has been weaponizing stupidity and using it against the American people.
Do your part, James: Whup on a Swiss physicist today.
I mean, it’s not like you Ohioans are any strangers to violence, after all. There’s footage James, of you at the Godless Mingle meet up, yanking the colostomy right bag off of that dude who wouldn’t shut up about his “Blasphemous Bible” and wearing it like a party hat. Not to mention Shauna <last name redacted for PD> explaining contemporary feminism to po’buckers with a meat hammer.
It is just this sort of nonstop violence that is driving us all to cheap drugs. Do better.
Speaking of which, I am now down a tech because one of my guys did the road rage thing the other day and shot a couple of people. But nobody involved was from Ohio, which strikes me as odd, in that only one person died. Mindless murder & mayhem here are generally taken far more seriously.
This is all very inconvenient, of course, because we still have DEFF ROBOTS to build, and now I have a bottleneck in carbon production. How the fuck am I supposed to make murder machines when my employees keep murdering people? It’s like they don’t understand the difference between retail and wholesale.
So, if you know anyone who likes 113-degree temperatures and doesn’t plan to kill anyone at a gas station because someone cut in line, send me their resume. I mean, 113 sounds bad, and I am sure 120 sounds worse (that’s next month), but 120 is only half way from water freezing to water boiling, and I think that’s reasonable.
But this letter isn’t about savagery, James, it’s about SCIENCE. And nobody does SCIENCE to people like we do, here in The Corporation™. For example, did you know that aquatic drones are 170% as terrifying to people as airborne drones? It’s a fact, proven by large poll sampling and maybe a little bit of empirical testing which may or may not have pushed the boundaries of our ethical rules. Probably has something to do with hardwired crocodile fears from when we were all still living in Africa, way back when Mitch McConnell was young.
The best thing about aquatic drones is that weight isn’t really an issue, so you can throw everything AND the kitchen sink in that bastard. In fact, the USA just finished building an aircraft carrier which cost $12.8 billion (not including aircraft, etc) and it was obsolete when they built it, and they knew it was obsolete when they built it.
Because, of course, that small fact has nothing to do with appropriations committees in the house and senate. They will build you a piece of shit and you will like it, because our entire economy has been predicated on doing just that since 1947.
Which seems sustainable as hell, right?
I am not going to go into specifics about what we’re doing, because frankly it’s Nerd Level 1000 stuff and would bore you silly. Just rest assured that we are in fact on the case, we are in fact committed to success. Because I have a dream, James. I have a dream that sometime in the not-so-distant future, our creations will mindlessly fight each other long after we’re all gone.
And that doesn’t even figure on aliens. And let me tell you, I fucking hate aliens. You can’t trust aliens for the same reason you can’t trust gods, and that reason is they aren’t human and don’t have human motives. So I have an interest in drones that can last a long, long time.
And on the day that alien archeologists show up and try to figure out what happened to the noble primates of Sol III, they will ask themselves many questions…But the only important question they will ask is “Did you just hear something by the hatch?” The survivors will flee, and they will put Earth off limits as a horrible nightmare of a death trap, and I will finally get what I always wanted: A little peace and quiet.
I don’t feel this is unreasonable. I am connected to the internet, and goddamn are humans LOUD. They never shut up. Governor Abbott in Texas is now jabbering that he’ll build Trump’s wall across his state, and Marjorie Taylor Greene is stating that diseases can’t mutate because she doesn’t believe in evolution, and Ted Cruz is on about the LGBT crowd again because someone might choose to shit in “the wrong bathroom” and we’re still dumping plastic in the ocean.
What the hell am I SUPPOSED to do?
Build DEFF BOTs, of course. It is the way. Let’s face facts: You don’t like primates and I don’t like primates and with 7,685,000,000 of them running lose, you can feel free to thank us.
Because The Corporation™ has a solution.
Until next time,
Dok
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