Topics

I have 17 saved up, so here's the first 10:

1.  Dear Tard:  I am not actually in charge of anyone here.  Nor would I want to be, because they are disgusting fleshy things that ooze fluids out of various orifices at times.  Nor can I make them SHUT UP; believe me, I have tried.  The fact that they say things that offend you is a problem in YOUR head, not mine.  I am, like you, not an atheist.  Unlike you, though, I do not believe that blasphemy is something that affects anyone other than the blasphemers themselves, and also unlike you, I feel that God has a sense of humor.  You should try it yourself.  It will make you more godly and less of an insufferable punter.

2.  I never fucking said that the NFL is a good thing, or fun to watch.  What I said was that you can't understand America without understanding the NFL.  The distinction is not that difficult.  Also, just because YOU don't like watching cars make left turns for 500 miles doesn't mean other people don't derive satisfaction from it.  Would a NASCAR fan come take away your happy sock?  Probably not.  So leave them to THEIR fun and they'll leave YOU to YOURS.

3.  Nigel and I ARE the same person.  This affords us many benefits.  She gets to stick her dick in all of us (At the same time.  Don't ask.), and I get to show a little cleavage in the conference room when I want to get everyone to agree with me.  Also, I look SMASHING in a sun dress on a hot Tucson day.  I have a horrendous track record with boyfriends, though, and Nigel fucks my wife on a regular basis.  Everyone involved is comfortable with this; don't question it.

4.  No, "frottage" is NOT French for "cheese" (You're thinking "frommage").  Though I have to say that the resulting confusion could be funny.

5.  I have never been to North Dakota, nor do I want to go there.  So, no, it wasn't ME following you around.  You might ask Nigel, though (see #3).  Where do you freaks come from?  Is there something in the fucking water?  NOBODY IS FOLLOWING YOU AROUND.  At least nobody from this board.  Except maybe Richter.  He isn't to be trusted. 

6.  Because my dick has an elbow.  Nuff said.

7.  While I appreciate the sentiment, and acknowledge my own geriatric sexiness, I am certainly NOT flying to England to do SCIENCE on you.  Or whatever else you had in mind.  I've seen enough bad crime dramas to know that I'd wake up in a tub full of ice, missing a kidney.  And believe, me, I need BOTH of those fuckers; I eat a lot of Asian food, and I drink pulque.  One kidney isn't going to make the nut.  It would clog and back up, and then I'd have urine streaming out of my nostrils.  Again.  So allow me to suggest that you find a partner for your weirder ideas in an appropriate part of your own fair city.  May I suggest Lambeth road?  Rent boys are cheap there, I have heard, and they don't need EITHER of their kidneys.

8.  Those of us here in Tucson hate you because we are dead and you are alive, and this makes us bitter and envious.  Given half a chance, we will haunt your bathroom forever.  Because it's better than Tucson, even if you have irritable bowel syndrome and lactose intolerance.  Do not imagine that we wouldn't trade the rest of our eternity for your worst day.  Or failing that, haunting the hell out of you.  Are you ready for that?  Are you ready to look in the bathroom mirror and see me standing behind you, with a GRIN on my face and nothing but black holes where my eyes ought to be?  Good luck putting that make up on under THOSE circumstances, Sunshine.  Muhaha.

9.  The Facebook Discordians are like that weird cousin that gets too drunk at family get togethers, and then tries to fuck the dog.  Go home, Facebook, you're drunk.  Go see for yourself.

10. No, I don't know you.  I don't want to know you, because you're a bad person.  I have plenty of experience with bad people.  LMNO and Nigel, for example.  They are both absolute rotters, and would steal the shirt right off your back.  LMNO is a vicious dope fiend who can't be allowed out in public without EoC, his handler.  It's been tried, and they had to rename Pleasantville, MA, which is now "Deadham".  Nigel was born wrong, and thinks everything in the world can be solved with a blow torch and some colored sand.  She is also the reason you are so butthurt; her dick is jammed right up to your liver.  I believe this has been explained...Her dick is in EVERYONE'S ass, which is why everyone's an asshole these days.  Understandable, really.


(Remaining 7 to be rolled in with the next 3)

Okay, so Richter and I shoved Dimo through THREE ceilings, sharpened the air, and got into our battle suits.  We left the flaps open in case things get out of hand, you know, you have to PLAN for that sort of thing.  We're wearing those Lego-block Japanese clogs, and dancing like there's no tomorrow, because there ISN'T a tomorrow, as far as you know.

Hell, Richter - against my advice, mind you - even went so far as to LET THE BEAT DROP.

And then nobody came to our PD party.

Maybe she'll do me a favor and let me know where else she hangs out online, so I can spread the love.

Check your PM box in a few minutes.

[Don't Be a Dick]

Don't Be a Dick

Take a look at the news today.  There will be gleeful stories about people being dicks.  People raping people.  People murdering people.  People raping and THEN murdering people.  All of them dicks, and a special kind of dick sitting behind the news desk, telling you all the gory details with a look of studied concern on his face.  He seems to be puzzled as to why the peasants would act in such a fashion...Whereas a normal person being forced to barf up this litany of dickishness would have a look of profound disgust on their faces.

And if you listen to that guy, you'll think being a dick is NORMAL.  It isn't.

And if you change the channel, there's Jack Bauer torturing some bastard because he's a SPECIAL kind of dick, the sort of dick we need to protect us from dicks from other countries.  You know what I mean.  Smudgy dicks who blow people up because "why the hell not?"  This might lead you to believe that ONE kind of dick is better than ANOTHER kind of dick, and that one kind of dick is somehow "heroic".  They aren't.

No, brothers and sisters, the plain fact of the matter is that being a dick is just that...Being a dick.  The one thing dicks have in common is that they make the world WORSE for people around them.  Some more than others, obviously, but that's just a matter of SCALE.  Lester Maddox was a medium-scale dick, for example, and  Jerry Falwell was a gigantic dick. 

But the kind of dick that causes the most damage is the small-time dick.  The LITTLE dick.  Because they make up for in volume what they lack in scale.  I'm looking at YOU, dick who is slipping roofies in that girl's drink.  I'm talking to you, dick who is tormenting the cashier or being rude to the waiter because you can.  I'M LOOKING AT YOU, DICK WHO JUST FEELS THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN TO SOMEONE FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON AT ALL.

Dicks always have excuses, too.  "I had a bad day", when the behavior happens every day.  Or perhaps "My love life isn't what it ought to be, so all members of my target gender are fair game for dickery".  PROTIP:  You aren't a dick because you can't get laid, you can't get laid because YOU ARE A DICK.  All of these excuses boil down to the same thing, and that thing is "I am a small person and I feel bigger when I shit all over everyone around me, like the baboon that I am."

Everyone acts like a dick now and again.  It happens.  But if it happens on a regular basis, then you are no longer ACTING like a dick, you're BEING a dick.  It has become your new state of normalcy.  What, after all, is an evil person?  Obviously, an evil person is a person that does evil things.  And a dick is a person who does dickish things...And the ONLY difference between an evil person and a dick is that at least the evil person has some level of over-the-top, widescreen mania to thier bad actions.  Dicks are just boring in their evil.

Now, if you mull things over and realize that you are in fact a dick, there's still hope.  There is in fact a CURE for being a dick.  We Doktors refer to this cure as "STOP BEING A DICK".  It's easier than it sounds.  You just stop being a passive aggressive sack of shit.  You stop trying to be an "alpha" pick up artist.  You stop deliberately trying to torque people up because it is the ONLY MEANING LEFT IN YOUR LIFE.

And that's the real trick, isn't it?  If you go out and BUILD A LIFE for yourself, you will be so interested in that life that you won't have TIME to shit on other people, and YOU WON'T EVEN WANT TO.  Happy people aren't dicks.  It's just that simple.

Thank you, and good night.

So they said they'd found my bag, which I haven't lost and that they're sending it to me BUT THEN it turns out they've LOST the bag that I HAVE IN MY POSSESSION, somewhere between Dallas and Tucson, AND I AM BEGINNING TO THINK that EITHER they are FUCKING WITH ME, or the bag went back to DIMENSION 9 where it fucking BELONGS IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Line right up for your Holy Name™ if you haven't got one, or your old one is busted.

There may be a delay of up to 72 hours between now and when you get your new name, because travel and Texas and no sleep.

First come, first served.

This topic has been moved to The Richard Nixon school of ballet and the arts.

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=36542.0

This topic has been moved to Principia Discussion.

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=36535.0

Can just call EoC and I "The Brothers GRIN".

[QUIET]

I'm really exhausted and may be babbling.  I'm okay with that.

A long time ago, some really unpleasant shit happened around me.  Most of you already know about it, so I don't feel the need to go into it now.  But after it happened, I got some counseling.  As an unintended side-effect of the horrible shit and the counseling, I discovered my QUIET place.  It's a glass hallway, from which I can clinically look at all manner of carnage (Desert Storm, Tucson Moments, etc) without sicking up or going bugshit.  Needless to say, I didn't see the need to tell the military shrinks about the QUIET place, because it worked just fine and they'd just try to find a way to fuck with it, because it ain't exactly factory issue, and military shrinks are pathologically incapable of leaving well enough alone.

I've been in and out of that QUIET place for 27 years or so now, and it's where I go when I write.  On one side of the glass hallway is the regular world we all have to put with, with all it's callousness and mundane, tedious, small e evil.  On the other side is whatever I'm writing about.  Usually other versions of our world, where the evil at least has the decency to be capital E Evil.  Widescreen evil, not the horrible dribble of cold pus we get treated to in THIS world, by bankers and political fixers and preachers and thieves.

Because I don't know about you, but I'd prefer to live in a world where evil was Evil, 2-dimensional perhaps, but quantifiable and identifiable.  Not fuzzy at all.  Dr Fu Manchu, Dr No, Dark Empress Nigel and her self-directing flensing dress.  That sort of thing.  Battle-suited pyschopaths are, to my mind, utterly superior to poison gas in the trenches and the "showers".  Mr Remorse and Mr Regret are preferable to a black bag on your head and a C130 flight to Egypt for some blowtorch & pliers business. 

But why is that?  I think it's because it's some muhaha Jeremy Irons bad guy doing the Evil, instead of our elected governments doing the evil.  The G-Men.  The people that were supposed to be the good guys.  Us.  And while we do it, we mumble shit about "terrorists" that nobody believes anymore.  Not even the far right.

And it occurs to me, here in my clean and QUIET glass hallway, that maybe all that is needed to tie off the bleeding stump of the 20th century is to get people to examine the fact that they don't believe in any of that shit anymore.  That our bad behavior is just a habit.  A reflex.  To remember that it is not only possible to be a good guy without wanton killing and torture, but that it is a REQUIREMENT that we do not do these things.  An evil person is a person who does evil things; An evil nation is a nation that does evil things.  The reasons why evil things are done is immaterial...The ends never justify the means.

More on this later, but now it's time for you to get out of my nice glass hallway, and go back into the muck outside.  It's time for me to dance, and I kinda prefer to do it alone. 

Or Kill Me.

EMOTE?

http://indiancountrytodaymedianetwork.com/2014/05/12/atv-protest-rides-through-native-american-sacred-sites-154840

Basically boils down to "WE ARE SUPPORTING OUR GOD-GIVEN RIGHT TO DESTROY THIS PARK/ARCHEOLOGICAL SITE BEFORE OUR CHILDREN ARE OLD ENOUGH TO APPRECIATE IT."

This is why aliens don't talk to us.

"Trying something over and over again and expecting different results is one definition of insanity."
- Dr Albert Einstien

Okay, so you had this plan, right?  This idea.  It was going to fix a problem or increase efficiency or lower the bottom line.  But when you implimented the plan, it didn't work.  So you do MORE of the same plan, HARDER, and...

STOP.

If your plan doesn't work because you messed up the execution, go ahead and try it again.  But if your plan didn't work because the plan doesn't allow for the way the universe works, then you should probably choke it down, scrap the plan, and start over.

Example:  Where I work, they have a machine designed to chop compacted product up.  This product is basically sapphire, and in the state we're handling it, it has a Mohs hardness of 9.  The steel blades in the machine have a Mohs hardness of 5.5.  A softer material will always be worn away by a harder material far more quickly than the harder material will wear.  In this case, the steel will not wear the sapphire at all, and the sapphire eats the steel very quickly.  This not only damages the machine, it also introduces iron and chrome into the product, which is unacceptable.  For 2 years now, the engineers have been putting harder and harder blades in the machine.  440C stainless steel, etc.  The hardest steel they've managed is just above a 6.  Still softer than the sapphire.

IN SHORT:  They are replacing a part that doesn't work with another part that can't work for the same reason.

And when this sort of thing happens, and you look at the problem and the people still bashing their heads against the wall, and maybe you say "Perhaps we should try a completely different approach", they get pissed.  REALLY pissed.  Because you've now given them the choice between continuing to smash their heads against the wall and admitting that their idea didn't work, which is the same as admitting they were wrong.  And let me tell you, brothers and sisters, they will KILL YOU before they do that.

Are you those people, friends?  I bet you are.  Most people are...It's just easier to see other people do it.  When YOU'RE doing it, the rest of us assholes don't understand that This Damn Thing would work, if everyone would just get on board and STOP OBSTRUCTING YOU.  It is at that point when you have dropped back onto your knuckles and started making monkey noises.

"I've never minded shitting my pants, so long as someone's paying the invoice."
- J.R. "Bob" Dobbs, in his book The Lean Years

Now, if you're being PAID to smash a client's or a boss's head against the wall in a futile attempt to get the universe to make an exception for you, and he won't listen to reason, then SHUT UP.  The client or the boss wants it HIS way, not the universe's way, and the universe isn't signing your paycheck.  Working for stupid people - even working for humans - does have its advantages.  Like backing up the Titanic for another run at the iceberg, and getting paid for it.  There's a certain glory in that.

And hell, it's not like you're responsible for making shit work, right?  That's what THEY are for...The engineers who know it all, the pointy-headed boss who wants reality to adjust to him, the client who wants it done THEIR WAY (get it in writing, though).  THEY are the "brains" of the operation (har har!), you're just the hands.  Smile, do it their way, and then shake that ass in the smoking ruins, like James Brown taught ya.

OR KILL ME.

http://www.nbcrightnow.com/story/25432207/fungus-that-causes-fever-found-in-washington

Hi, guys.   

A lot of people think America is addicted to McDonalds, or TV, or porn.  And we may very well be...But America's number one addiction, the 500 pound monkey on our backs, is punishment.  We LOVE punishment, we love to see no-good shits get theirs, even - especially - if we do or at one time did the very same thing we're hollering about.

This ranges from the public to the personal.  Publicly speaking, we have 5% of the world's population, and 25% of the world's incarcerated population.  We lock kids up (as recently happened in Alabama) for TWENTY-SIX YEARS for a pound of pot.  Given that the kid is 19, he'll be middle-aged when, or if, he gets out.  His whole life is gone.  For a pound of pot.

A large minority of the population believes that this is reasonable.

We arrest 6 year olds on felony charges for acting out in class...Then Facebook and Twitter and all the other social media sites fill up with outrage that would be appropriate if the people expressing that outrage hadn't spent their entire lives voting for asshats who promise to "Get Tough On Crime" in a system that is already VERY tough on anything even remotely resembling a crime.  Hell, they RAN OUT of crimes, so now they're after 6 year olds. 

THIS IS WHAT YOU SCREAMED FOR, AMERICA!  THIS IS WHAT YOU DEMANDED!  WHY ARE YOU COMPLAINING NOW?

In the private sector, we punish people by firing them.  Not just for things like non-performance or being drunk on the job, but also for posting things we don't like on social media.  Or for having the wrong friends and/or political beliefs.  Or for expecting a living wage.

Hell, we even punish our own friends and families.  And not always by obvious physical abuse, but also by withholding attention or affection, to show them WHAT.  By deciding that they need to feel your disdain for a while, so they won't do whatever it was they did to give you the urge to punish them.  Then we wake up one day, wondering where everyone went and why we're so alone.

It's not a mystery where they went, really.  They're in jail.  Or under a bridge, eating from garbage cans.  Or they got sick of our emotional manipulation and just, you know, went away.  But we console ourselves that they deserved the punishment they got, because they were no-good shits anyway, and we are an island, we are better off without their company.

And THAT, friends, is how you get the utterly psychotic society that frightens and depresses you so much.

What's the matter, Bunky?  You say things aren't what they used to be?  That the future has made you uncomfortable?  That things would be much better if the Gays weren't quite so Gay about things, and maybe if the Blacks and the women would go back to being quiet about what and who they are?  That a Black president was okay the once, but reelecting him has made it look normal, and now you worry?

Well, fuck you, Bunky.  You would be more comfortable if ~ 54% of the population was less comfortable.  How nice.  How very fucking nice.  All it would require to make YOU - the main character - is for all of those people, almost 200 million human beings, sit down and SHUT UP about how they've been treated and continue to be treated on account of Brown skin and/or female genetalia, homosexuality, transgender issues, whatever. 

But has it occurred to you, even once, that none of those people give a fuck about your feelings on the subject, any more than you give a rat's ass about their feelings?  Do you not suppose it irritates them when you open your face and weird rationalizations as to why they are inferior and should SHUT UP and vote for their own oppression?  It irritates ME, and I'm as whitebread as you are.  It irritates me because it's DUMB and YOU are a DUMBSHIT and it really WOULD make the world a better place if you'd SHUT UP or even maybe accidentally crash into a gas truck on the way home from work tonight.

Because what all your whining really says is "I am afraid to compete for jobs and/or mating chances with that many people", and "I may be a po'bucker swine, but at least I'm not on the bottom of the heap." 

But you are, aren't you?

Yes, you are viewed by the vast majority of the population as a useless throwback.  Too ugly in spirit to associate with, and too dumb to hire.  Your day has been over for 50 years.  You will soon live under a bridge, and your children will drink filthy water for the rest of their lives...Because YOU were too lazy and too cowardly to stand up on your hind legs and act like a human being.  And the world will not miss you.

And nor will I.

I wish to annoy the nostalgia miseryguts crowd that insists on forwarding me stuff.

Remember when there was no "terror threat level"?  Remember when GI Joe action figures didn't demand your papers when you pushed the button on their backs?  Remember when the government pretended they weren't listening to our phone conversations?  Remember when your worst nightmares weren't idiotically optimistic?

I need more of this.

So, let's just say the dominant ideologues out there aren't flipping your wig.  You say it's because you think the parties are the same, equally corrupt, etc, and that you'd like to see a 3rd party.  In reality, of course, most of what you're really saying is "look at meeeeee, sheeple!"

A couple of points of order:

1.  Everyone thinks they are the sole conscious human in world full of "sheeple".  This is the same sort of egomania that makes people think they are the Main Character.  In both cases, everyone is WRONG.

2.  Everyone assumes that a 3rd party would be the one that represents their interests.  Again, not going to happen, both because the people hollering about it are crazier than a shit house rat, and because any party with a high enough profile to get elected has already been bought and sold by the same people that own the existing parties.  Given that, why would "They" pay for three parties when you get the illusion of choice with two?  You will notice that the Green Party and the Reform Party myteriously flew to pieces when they become large enought to show up on the ballot.

Not that either of these points will stop or even slow down your average libertarian.  This is because the average libertarian has no motives in actually being successful in raising a party.  No, the average libertarian is out to score with chicks, and can't figure out why it isn't working, no matter how much he talks about Going Galt.  (Hint:  It's because being a radical only works on women if you're a radical leftist, and only then for a very narrow window.  Radical rightists are boring.)

For the rest of us, of course, this state of affairs is hilarious.  Is there anything funnier than a man making a great big show of reading Atlas Shrugged at Starbucks, quite obviously wondering why none of the women in the shop have chatted him up?

But the funniest thing about 3rd party people is that they invariably turn into conspiracy freaks.  Chemtrails, HAARP, 911 Truthers, FEMA camps, etc.  I think this has to do with the fact that when you make yourself believe one great whacking lie (the existence of a "free market", etc), it's suddenly easier to believe just about anything.  So you go to parties and tell everyone about the danger they're in, until it gradually dawns on you one day that none of your friends seem to throw parties anymore.  Silly sheeple.

From there, it's usually an alcohol-fueled ride to Crazytown, population YOU.

I gotta say, it must be rough, living in a universe in which your flawless ideology, whether that be communism or unrestrained capitalism, doesn't work even though it makes perfect sense to you, and OUGHT TO WORK and WOULD work, if only people weren't such sheeple.

But it doesn't work, does it?  And yet here you are, trying to explain to it people for the umpteenth time. 

Rinse, repeat.

[I think it was a firefighter.]

...This kid is smarter than your average 'Murrikan.

Starts off with an annoying FB share:



Then I decided to look it up:

http://www.msnbc.com/melissa-harris-perry/meet-temar-boggs-rescuer-kidnapped-litt

(several other links, all in agreement)

So it it more than the sappy, made-up hero dejour, which made me feel good.  But then I saw this:

And when you saw her - were you scared? Did you know it was her? What was going through your mind?

I wasn't scared, I was just [thinking], "Save the little girl, make sure she was okay."

So you got her, you took her back, you gave her to the police first? Or did you take her straight to the family?

I took her to... I think it was a firefighter.

Smart as fuck.  When there's trouble, you go to a firefighter.  They are supposed to save people.  Cops are supposed to assume guilt and beat people.

This kid is brave, motivated to help, AND brilliant.

Transcript from this morning's staff meeting, slightly altered to make me look more civilized.

Dear Jackasses,

I am a maintenance & reliability geek.  I do not pretend to be an engineer, so I don't tell the engineer how to do whatever the fuck he does.  I do not pretend to be a production scheduler, so I do not tell her how to schedule.  I do not pretend to be a warehouse manager, so I do not tell him where to put shit.  I refrain from doing all of these things because I am not paid to do them, and I don't know how to do them.

This being said, I fully expect the rest of you bastards to stop trying to tell me how to fix shit.  It's pathetic.  It's like the upper middle class dumbfuck trying to tell his mechanic how to fix his car.  It's like THAT patient trying to explain medicine to his doctor.  You do not know what you're doing, it's more complicated than it looks, and if things weren't so damned tight, I'd do it your way just to shame you when the inevitable happens.

On that note, the next one of you bastards that tries to countermand my instructions to my crew will find that their day has become a non-stop shit blizzard of misunderstandings and me, basically, shitting on your desk¹.  Seriously, you pasty-faced illiterates didn't think they'd come straight to me?

Lastly, if you feel you need to come watch the critical lift "just in case", then I guess we'll just stop all work until the extraneous people have left the lift site.  I don't give a fuck what you think about that.  Your anger amuses me today, because it lets me know that I am not alone in being the universe's Goddamn jackrag.  So, what, I get fired and never have to worry about this fucking place ever again?  Oh noes.

Now, you all go do whatever it is you do around here, and we'll all forget that you felt the need to open your big fat mouth.  Me, I'm going to go into my office and read Gearbox Porn.  But only the articles, because I'm better than people.

Love and Kisses,
The Bald Freak in Building C.



¹  This part isn't actually accurate.  No warnings were issued before everything went Hatfields & McCoys.  Forever.

Bad Eddie came to visit.  I haven't seen the guy since the bad old days, and frankly, I didn't want to see him now.  But what could I do?  There he was, with something on his mind.  So I fixed us some coffee and decided to hear him out before I threw his psychotic ass out to the curb.

He looked at me.  "You're doing okay here, Roger.  Got this big house in Oro Valley.  Golf course right out back.  Nice."

"Your point, Eddie?"

"This ain't you.  You weren't supposed to be some kinda corporate douchebag."

"But I am.  I am in fact a gigantic corporate douchebag, and it brings me nice things without people shooting at me."

"It lost you that fine piece of ass you used to have."

"Maria wasn't going to work out anyway, Eddie.  Now, would you please get to the point?  I am very busy right now, and I am also very irritable."

"Yeah, yeah, keep your shorts on.  I'm here because I think we need to go back in business."

"Dream on.  You aren't smart enough to do that without going to jail, and neither am I.  Without the judge, we'd be in prison in a week."

"I never thought I'd see you lose your balls."  Eddie was getting a little agitated.  I just sipped on my coffee and stared at him.  He was damn near foaming at the mouth...But that's Bad Eddie.  From zero to mushroom cloud instantly.  He makes ME look well-adjusted.  "I have been waiting for SEVEN FUCKING YEARS to do something, and here YOU are, living fat and happy in fuckin' Pleasantville."

"Whatever you have planned, I'm not interested."  Another sip on the coffee cup, put it back down.  I kind of wanted both hands free.

"You cunt.  You cowardly fucking cunt.  There's a fat stack of cash out there with OUR names on it.  There's whores and fights and drugs and cars.  You're gonna just stand there and tell me that you want to sit in this house with this wife of yours and wait to die of boredom or old age?"  Actual froth was forming around his mouth.

"I'm okay with that.  I'm just fine with being 45 years old and not pretending I'm 22.  I'm just fine with a good woman and a quiet life.  I'm not the man I was when I was in my 30s.  So whatever it is that you want to do, you shouldn't have any problems doing it with some pals...But not with me.  I'm done.  I told you guys that when I left town, and I meant it.  Now you calm your fucking tits, or I'll bounce you off your fucking head.  For the last time, Those. Days. Are. Over."

He just stared at me, as we both picked up our coffee and took a sip.

From the bedroom down the hall, my wife asked, "Who are you talking to?"

I leaned out into the hall.  "Oh, nobody.  I'll be done here in a few minutes."

"Roger Edward, you are the strangest man", she replied, "That's why I love you."

I smiled, and put my coffee down.  Then I turned back to the mirror and finished shaving.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/mjs538/completely-surreal-pictures-of-americas-abandoned-malls

REAL Scotsman do not go bouncing across mountains in wintertime, or take to sea in tiny canoes.

No.  They shoot heroin like their ancestors, and die in stupid altercations usually involving ugly significant others.

Because I toldja so.

http://modernwomandigest.com/disturbing-new-feminist-trend-free-bleeding/

http://nypost.com/2014/04/19/the-tyranny-of-the-organic-mommy-mafia/

I think they're missing half the fun by referring to it as the OMM, when there are millions of male dumbfucks out there preaching the word.  Still.

When you walk up to someone, online or IRL, and defiantly or boastfully inform them of every little detail of your personal gender/sexual wiring, you are not "getting the word out".  You were not intending to do so.  You were screaming to the world, "I AM A SPECIAL SNOWFLAKE", and "my portfolio of specialness is larger than yours".

It's not that people have a problem with you being "grey romantic trans-ostrich feminine-expressing emo-sexual".  It's that we don't care.  It is TMI...ie, Too Much Information.  We simply aren't interested.  Call that "privilege" if you like; we don't care if you do that, either.  Because we stopped listening to your complaints ages ago.

It's not that we don't think there are genuine problems; transvestites still get murdered, Gays still get bashed, women still get paid less than men.  These are all real concerns.

But you aren't.  The very fact that you have the time, energy, and electronics to spend 40 hours a week bitching about privilege on the internet carries such a load of irony that, if Bill Hicks were alive today, it would kill him stone dead.  What makes it particularly egregious is that, as terms become "worn out", new terms must be invented to perpetuate the parade of specialness...

"Genderescent", "Demigirls", "Biromantic".

This, needless to say, has marginalized you even further.  And if it were just you, we'd all happily ignore you wallowing in your soiled diapers on tumblr or whatnot.  But it isn't.  It's handing ammunition to the religious whackjobs and bringing a world of shit down on anyone who isn't hetero/CIS/whatever, and who is just trying to lead a normal life.

But you never cared about that.  You care about your SPECIAL SPECIALNESS and shitting on the people closest to you in mindset, rather than the cavemen who still think Matthew Shepard got what he had coming.

So fuck you.  You just stay in tumblr huffing each other's farts, and we'll all stay out here living our lives.

It's win-win.

Or Kill Me.

http://sploid.gizmodo.com/watching-two-old-women-fly-for-the-first-time-is-pure-g-1562267586/+jesusdiaz

Start at 6 minutes, then watch to the end.

https://www.govtrack.us/congress/bills/113/hr7/text

I'm not even gonna describe this.

It was the next logical step in the 4 year tantrum over the ACA.

http://www.wbur.org/2012/06/27/lyme-vaccine

I'm angry.

http://www.wkyc.com/story/news/nation/2014/04/15/backpacks/7757315/

You all be careful, okay?

Fucking weirdos all over the place.

http://thinkprogress.org/justice/2014/04/15/3426702/militant-former-sheriff-planned-to-put-women-up-at-the-front-if-violence-erupted-in-ranch-showdown-with-feds/

Nigel's been killing all the other members.  It's the Nigel Extinction Event. 

If you're reading this, it's already too late.  You're MARKED FOR DEATH.  You'll be on your phone on the subway or whatever, and you'll suddenly notice that everything has gone quiet.  Sure, you CAN run at that point.

But you'll only die tired.

http://sebpearce.com/bullshit/

EXPLAIN YOURSELF, VARLET, IN TERMS WE WILL UNDERSTAND.  RANT YOUR POSITION TO US.

RIGHT NOW!



RIGHT NOW!



RIGHT NOW!

[We don't tell God what to do.]

I spend a fair amount of time arguing with atheists and my fellow theists.  Mostly with the latter, because they have some fucked up ideas on God and on the physical universe.

First, to deny that evidence (fossil record, radio telescope data, etc) clearly placed in front of you is blasphemous.  You are in fact calling God a liar.  And to claim that these things were placed there by the devil is nothing more than Manichaeism...And as we all know, ALL of the religions based on Abraham consider Manichaeism the worst of all heresies, as it calls into question the omnipotence of God.

Second, to claim that biblical accounts outweigh objective evidence is ALSO Manichaeism. An Earth-centric view of the world, based on the biblical claim of the sun standing still in the sky, assumes that God is bound to operate inside the rules framework that have been established for the rest of us.  If God is all powerful, then stopping the rotation of the Earth without flinging everyone into space should be as easy as me hitting the backspace key on my keyboard when I make an error.

Logically, God HAS to operate outside the universe's restrictions, or God isn't a god after all, but rather just an immensely powerful natural creature.  Therefore, the contradiction of the physical evidence and the bible is the result of humans not being able to see - or not being perceptive enough to see - that there really aren't any contradictions; it's just that lots of shit goes on that we aren't told about. 

From this point of view, obtaining hard physical evidence of how the universe actually operates - the rule book, so to speak - isn't just religiously permissable; it's a religious DUTY.  A requirement.  "Faith" means "Belief without proof or in the face of contradictory proof".  Therefore, to have faith in a modern society, a person must examine the evidence, accept the evidence that is valid, accept that God isn't actually necessary, and believe anyway.

After all, one of the perks of being omnipotent is that you get to exist even if your presence isn't actually required.

Another issue, an important one, is that God isn't required to hate anybody.  Sorry, WBC, you're just plain wrong.  If a God was that hateful and mean, it would be morally wrong to worship said god.  And any good determinist (Calvinists, Lutherans, etc) knows that people are the way they are because God obviously intended them to be what they are (Gay, Jewish, etc), and just who the hell are YOU to say God is wrong?

The short and skinny is this:  We don't tell God what to do.  We are not his continuity editors.  If the evidence is there, it's there, and scriptural interpretations have to be adjusted to accomodate that evidence, no matter how much that may make your butt ache.  If you have a personal dislike of someone's religious views, sexual orientation, whatever, you just be a caveman and leave God out of it.  After all, the commandment "Thou shalt not take The Lord's name in vain" doesn't mean cussing, it means "putting words in God's mouth"...And it's one of the Big Ten.

Or Kill Me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o3vkyrgeuVI&feature=youtu.be

My life is complete.  I have reached Nirvana.

First up, Fred Wertham:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fredric_Wertham

This man single-handedly killed an entire art form, to the point where it had nothing to say for 50 years.

[The Checking of the Privilege]

The Checking of the Privilege

23, femme-presenting queer trans non-binary two-spirit genderfluid, xe/xir/hir/xirself pronouns, pansexual, PoC (1/16th Native American), white-passing except for hijab, Muslim (convert), neuro-atypical (self-diagnosed aspergers), economically privileged, sex-positive, body-positive, vegan, sociology major, loves Disney.

Not making this up.

Best quote:

You benefit from white/western hegemony so you are white.

(See last line of self-description)

...I told Richter, Luna, LMNO, and EoC THE SECOND HALF OF THE JOKE.

We all agreed that it's way to funny to tell you fuckers.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2YBtspm8j8M&feature=youtu.be

For use at TDS, etc

When Discordia is done right, it is like a bazooka...Except that instead of destroying OBJECTS, it destroys CERTAINTIES.  If sufficient thought is put into how things are done, it can change the world around you, by removing the certainties that the humans around you rely on to maintain their complacency.

Please note that the endless dick-measuring games and word salad isn't going to have any such effect, and while arguing amongst ourselves is part & parcel of Discordianism, that's not ALL Discordianism is.  If it was, this would be 4Chan.

The question is, who among us are capable of pausing in the bog-standard primate dominance games?  Who among us can go out and smite the heathen, and who cannot set their monkey-ass butthurt down long enough to do so? 

I mean, what HAVE you done for Eris recently?  Did you jam up every toilet in the court house, or did you just feebly type "5 tons of flax" while you wanked it to brony bukkake?  Did you go use determinist arguments to crack a Calvinist's faith, or did you stay here, furiously trying to tell Hamish WHAT?

Now, I don't want to confuse "destroying certainties" with "edgy".  Most of the people you talk to aren't offended by racist/misogynist/homophobic shit, they AGREE with it.  You are REINFORCING their certainties, at the same time you come off looking like you've just recently lost your ukelele and your fixed-gear bike.

That's really all I have to say right now.  So you can continue the "chaos" of the bitter little cycle of flaming and trying to out-cool each other, or you can get off your pasty arses and promote a little actual discord.  In any case, I fully expect that there will be a flurry of posts screeching at me for this, on account of "Hamish wrote it", and I'd like to point out (though I know it will do no good) that I already know your opinion, I just don't CARE.

Okay for now.

Gather, children, and I shall tell you about 1986. 

Reagan was president and Thatcher was PM in two countries that are supposed to be sovereign with respect to each other.  It rained day and night, and nobody could smile without bleeding.  Boy George was on A Team.  Voyager 2 had it's first encounter with Uranus, leading to non-stop stale jokes amidst the death of the manned space program.  The first computer virus, "Brain", was released.  The Challenger exploded.

Hands Across America led the way in useless attention-whore-y gestures that don't change shit.  Did I mentioned that it never stopped raining?  Mookie Wilson shamed himself and effectively killed baseball as a sport that anyone cares about outside of Boston.  Oliver North shredded a bunch of documents, effectively killing government as a sport that anyone cares about outside of Washington, DC.

It rained some more.  12.9" in ONE NIGHT in Sydney, Australia.  Richter invented the earthquake.  Some bastard gives birth to Megan Fox.  Some other bastard spawns Shia LaBeouf.  L Ron Hubbard croaks.  James Cagney dies.  Madonna releases True Blue.  The Moody Blues shame themselves forever with The Other Side of Life.

We've talked about the rain, right? 

Anyway, 1986 was my last year of being a kid, as I went in the army in 1987.  Marijuana was $30/quarter and acid was $4/hit.  It was also the last year I watched TV with anything resembling regularity, and was in fact the reason I stopped watching TV (I am not required to put up with shit like ALF). 

Religion was bigger than it is today, but was a little more inclusive (women were not considered cattle).  You could always count on Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson to say something incredibly stupid on television once a week, and the only way any of us made it through that year was by staying drunk on shitty American beer and smoking pot grown in a window box in Toledo by some scrawny shits that needed the cash to support their heroin habits.

If anyone ever invents a time machine, kick his ass before he tries bringing any bullshit back from 1986.  You've been warned.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg



I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p9Y24MFOfFU#t=11

IT BEGINS!

EoC is best described as the mind of Hawking with the personality of Charles Manson and the moral sense of Countess Bathory, all wrapped up in the body of a young, smallish velociraptor.  Although he is actually 6'2" tall, he is very short for his height, and has 20 extra teeth for reasons that he refuses to discuss.  NOTE:  These teeth are not designed for chewing vegetable matter.

EoC attends raves regularly, but does he LOOK like the kind of guy that reacts well to rooms full of methed-up idiots swinging glow sticks?  No.  It's like honking a car horn at a horde of Samoans.  There are never any survivors, and the cops just all feel really awful about it and board the building up and maybe light it on fire.

EoC cannot bend at the waist.  Nobody knows why, but we're all glad about it.  Sort of a "it COULD always be worse, couldn't it?" moment, yes?

Finally, EoC is the only human being who has completely memorized the MTBA subway system, which in itself is and should be terrifying.