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Or Kill Me / Amok
« on: June 17, 2020, 09:28:29 pm »
A few days ago, you might have been there, something snapped and I am no longer the person I was before

I feel this buzzing intensity all the time no matter what substances I have or haven’t had and in what amounts

I don’t have any idea what I’m saying as I’m saying it I just fucking type and talk and shit and then it’s there

I am hypervigilant in a twitch-reaction way and Ready to fucking rumble where I used to be hypervigilant in an observational way and avoidant as fuck

I can’t even spool up the focus to type like I used to, I’m permanently shaking and just want to get the fucking shit over with

And I’m sure this snapping of something inside of me just halved my fucking lifespan and permanently destroyed my ability to write fiction so I have more reasons to be hideously angry

Ask me if I’m ok again fucker, ask me again, I’ll tell you, I’ll tell you by shouting you down the fucking stairs like it’s skyrim do not fucking treat me like a person treat me like radioactive materials, special handling avoid at all costs keep your fucking distance

So, they took away trans employment protections. That was awhile back. What the fuck ever.

Then they took LGBT healthcare protections. Cool, now it’s legal to let me bleed out in the hospital like a diseased animal. While you mock me. Tyra Hunter style.

Now they’re taking trans homeless shelter protections.

If anyone you know has contributed to this, I want you to know that I hope they die miserably, choking on their own blood and vomit, every bone in their body broken. I savor the image, though I will never see it. Because they’ve killed me. And they’ve killed so many others.

This is not a joke. I can not survive this. The cops are brutalizing homeless people on the streets because it makes their fascist dicks hard. Hospitals are already mocking injured trans people to their face and hounding them out the door.

And now if I can’t get some 2000 a month doing fuck all, or a free place to stay, I am FORCED onto the streets where I will be BRUTALIZED by fascist pigs and no medical care will be offered — if, IF, I fucking survive.

All I have left is this: Avenge me, because salvation can’t come. And they’ll come for you next.

Apple Talk / A solemn moment for my tabs
« on: June 12, 2020, 09:00:03 pm »
I had months of the fuckers saved. I was legitimately getting to them. Some of them were only going to be useful after I got myself stable, some were working towards stability. All gone.

All because my VPN magically used a banned server and got me banned from the forum. (Thanks Faust for figuring out the obvious solution, feeling dumb as hell over here!)

Someone make me a “all my homies hate” meme with SMF as the fill-in-the-blank, I can’t find a generator and I’m on mobile so I can’t do it by hand.

Apple Talk / Hey TWJ
« on: June 07, 2020, 01:17:21 am »

Let’s do some post-Luciferian procedurally generated demonic summonings

Apple Talk / 2020 predictions
« on: June 05, 2020, 12:39:35 pm »
Just fucking make shit up what the fuck Jesus Christ

Or Kill Me / Cops Cannot Be Queer
« on: June 01, 2020, 06:50:08 am »
Cops cannot be queer.

Repeat it again. Say it aloud. I don’t give a fuck if you’re in public.

Cops cannot be queer.

Queerness is in radical opposition to oppression. It is literally saying “hey, cool weapon you got there, it’s fucking mine now.” It’s the cow wielding the captive bolt gun.

Cops cannot be queer. Cops own the captive bolt gun.

Queerness is not the default. LGBT is the default. Queerness is earned, and not like a merit badge. Queerness is fought for. Queerness doesn’t know how to give up. Queerness uses its broken teeth as projectile weapons. Queerness is here to break shit.

Cops cannot be queer.

And if you want to tell me that by “gatekeeping queerness” we are “just as bad as THEM,”

Also, furthermore, in addition, to elaborate, if you’ll give me just a moment,

How the fuck dare you say that denying cops access to radical revolutionary terminology puts us on the same level as the people who shoot black men women and children in the streets?

Cops cannot be queer.

Or Kill Me / Notes toward a rant
« on: May 31, 2020, 05:08:29 am »
“America is a death cult and its god is called Liberty”

“The altar to Liberty runs red with innocent blood”

“The police force is the priestly caste of the American death cult”

“A police state is a theocracy of suicide”

“Murder is the highest worship in the land of the free, murder-suicide: divine grace”

“Excommunication is imprisonment”

“Death is an article of faith: some are meant to die, so it is written”

“Stopping death is a sin, improving life more of one”

Some notes on parallels I see:
The American Christian death cult has a twisted sort of Manichaean worldview: life is suffering, only the blessing of the divine can reduce suffering, the only place without suffering is the afterlife. Therefore, death is a gift. (See Manichaean views on material/spiritual.)

Reducing suffering as a human is tantamount to playing God, and to leading people astray by making the afterlife less palatable by comparison. It’s Satanic.

If you have received the blessing of the divine to have a less horrible life, your life is important so that you can increase death. All the others who don’t suffer increase death too, so it is a sign from God who his chosen priests are.

This explains a lot, from anti-abortion but anti-life views to the militarization of police, increased inability to access healthcare, lack of interest in reducing any suffering at all, etc. And because the United States is uniquely hard to stay healthy in, clearly it is God’s chosen nation.

I don’t think any of this is a conscious thought, more just the overall construction of the various American thoughts in these American minds. It’s how the pieces fit together.

Aneristic Illusions / So about these riots...
« on: May 28, 2020, 07:55:19 am »
Apparently the cops are running out of less-lethal munitions. Like they have no gas left, and when a group uses their last canister it’s all gone for them. Not sure which city, or if it’s multiple, but it’s definitely happening.

I don’t think this has happened in the US in my life time. Certainly not in the age of the Internet.

What do you think happens next? I’m concerned about them deciding that the best way to show they aren’t mass murderers is to pull out the jacketed rounds and commit mass murder.

If this spreads further, what’s next in a larger sense? Right now it’s two really big cities of people who have nothing to lose, and one smaller city of the same. If it goes nationwide, where do things go next?

My world is so fucking confusing. This sort of thing was, I feel, inevitable in a way. But it went so far before it all went down. It took so much happening for everything to come to this.

And now I realize I have never seen something like this happen before in a relatively strong, industrialized, capitalist Western country, and every example of it predates the Internet. I actually don’t know what comes next. I’m hoping Cain or somebody has something to work with. Because this is weird.

Or Kill Me / It’s Not Me
« on: May 27, 2020, 09:21:14 am »
It isn’t. I keep reminding myself, but it rarely sticks.

So I have to just keep saying it.

It wasn’t me in March: it was a TERF who had managed to insinuate herself into a trans-friendly space.
It wasn’t me in May: it was a privileged rich cishet white lady who mistook a lack of privilege for a lack of effort.
It wasn’t me today: it was a system built to keep homeless disabled/queer people disenfranchised for life.

And whenever I say these things, it sooner or later turns out to be truth. And I wish I could just be right about shit like this without being guilt tripped that I didn’t complete the labors of Hercules before I decided that it wasn’t my fault, that there was nothing more I could have done.

This is the opposite of the lesson a lot of people need to learn. That lesson is usually that sometimes it is their fault. And I have done quite a bit to myself, no doubt.

But the big things, the ones that drive me to breakdown sobbing in public, they aren’t my fault. I have to keep reminding myself of that, that I am not the sole person in control of my life trajectory, whatever the feel-good ableist motivational poster industry and bootstraps obsessed middle and upper class says.

I live and die at the behest of others.
And I don’t get a goddamn thing out of it.
And it’s not just a fucking excuse.
And I couldn’t have changed it with more effort, louder yelling, or fighting harder.
And every time the truth comes out and I am right.

Some mountains cannot be climbed. It’s not my fault. It’s not me.

Or Kill Me / Antipathy
« on: May 22, 2020, 11:07:10 pm »
Fuck the accelerationists. Fuck the fascists. Fuck the unyielding leftists. Fuck perfection at the cost of morality. Fuck libertarians and the utopian commies and the utopian anarchists for good measure.

Fuck fake queers like Buttigieg and fuck people willing to sell out their minority groups in general for the right to lick boot.

Fuck Karen, Darren, and anyone who believes their right to party, get a haircut or watch other people play sportsball is worth more than human life.

Fuck people who are respectable. Fuck people who care about people being respectable.

Fuck the conspiracy freaks and fuck anyone who gave them even five seconds of “let’s hear him out”. Fuck anyone who thinks coughing on someone in a pandemic is an appropriate reaction to not getting their way.

Fuck the rich, fuck the people who protect the rich, fuck the powerful and their people too.

Fuck the religious extremists. Fuck the non-religious extremists, and the anti-religious extremists, and anyone who decided on the basis of gut feeling or holy writ that some people are worth less than others.

And if you feel a twinge of “hey now that’s not fair” while reading that list then fuck YOU in particular, and I hope to live long enough to see you rot in the sun for days while passing feral dogs won’t even piss on your mushy carcass.

Fuck all of it, because it never did a goddamn thing for me or anyone like me. And everyone who smiled and chuckled while I was getting fucking stomped on, mark my words: the hobnails are targeting you next, and I’m going to laugh and grin through broken teeth to see you brought low, the same you did to me.

Apple Talk / Fuckin do it then
« on: May 21, 2020, 02:19:51 am »
Newsfeed just popped up something and for no fucking reason it made me irrationally furious. We'll make you an offer you can't understand.

Bullshit. I’ve never received a single fucking incomprehensible offer here. Either it wasn’t possible to even parse as an offer or it was entirely comprehensible.

I demand an offer I can’t understand or my money back. I am entirely serious. I’ll PM the goddamned Mgt for my refund. It will be horrific, just like the last few times, and I’m entirely willing to bear that burden.

« on: April 10, 2020, 02:46:09 pm »


On Thursday, April 9th 2020, a passing driver recognized something was wrong with the desert landscape on his way to work. “It loomed, except, you know, it was a hole in the ground. But it had that feeling.”

The 32-year-old veterinary technician, who asked us not to print his name for legal reasons, stopped his vehicle on the side of the highway to look at the hole. What he found was unsettling.

“There was just this big wooden box down there with chains around it, but not like ‘holding it closed’ around it, just sort of in a circle. The box was half flopped open, splinters like someone had kicked the shit out of it, totally empty. And there were some wicked big boot prints. Serious stompers.”

While there have been many well-publicized disappearances and claims of being followed or stalked on this stretch of State Route 86, this is the first evidence to date of criminal activity beyond the norm for the area.

Police are currently treating this as a missing persons case. There are no further details at this time. If you have any knowledge regarding this sinkhole, or anywhere a veterinary technician can offload a few dozen pounds of ketamine, please contact the Tucson Police Department.

Or Kill Me / White Girl
« on: March 09, 2020, 10:54:01 pm »
You’re a breed of your own. Leftist until the chips are down and you can’t party all night anymore. Poor people need help until you need to consider they need food and shelter, then they need to take responsibility for their living situation.

White girl, you love trans people but only because you get woke points from it. When they need a safe space to be trans it’s the streets for them. “Just be gay in the bedroom” for a new era. White girl, you are a breed of your own.

Not unique, no, you’ve got a whole ass species just like you. You don’t take care of your cat and act upset when we do the work and get the love. Not fair! You need. You NEED. All the rewards and none of the responsibility, just like when you were young.

You say that you’ll vote for Trump if Bernie gets the nomination just to stick it to those people who want healthcare for being mean to white girls like you. Fuck them, right? You don’t have healthcare and you do fine. You do lines of coke and pat your ass in the morning, how good am I. Who needs a doctor, right?

You, hypocrite, the future will be unkind to you. I hope you like it. I, at least, will smile a grim smile when I die in a hole, knowing you’ll follow me down.

Discordian Recipes / Poor Person Eats
« on: February 10, 2020, 06:08:22 am »
I may as well pay attention to my food now, as practice. Also, some of my foods are HILARIOUS.

Losing My Goddamn Mind Mushroom Tortelloni with Dill & Sage Butter

Purchase and cook one package of Priano Porcini Mushroom Tortelloni, from your local Aldi. Delicious!

Realize you have no sauce to go with them. Commence screaming.

No olive oil either. More screaming.

Fuck it, melt a whole goddamn stick of butter in there while cussing at it.

Butter is horrible on its own. Raid the spice cabinet, by which I mean grab the first two things you see without checking what they are at all. Hope this does not become regret.

Dump dill and sage into the melting butter and hot pasta, eyes wild, face locked in a rictus grin, watching the innocent butter turn green and foul.

Mix. Comment on how it looks like you dropped it in some sand, lament your misfortune.

Take a bite and cry tears of joy. SO GOOD. I must make this butter sauce separately for future use.

Recognition: this is such a specific case that you will never make this again. You will always have a better choice. Enjoy it in the moment for what it is: a furious series of blind fuckups leading to excellence.

I will actually post another one too from today, why not!

The Last Pierogies

Take a pan-full of random pierogies, I used frozen ones because I’m a wretch and a fool and I have no place doing this sort of shit, god rest my soul. Make sure to lay them out evenly in the pan, with no overlaps and a couple millimeters of space between each of them.

Dump all of the olive oil on them. It will be fine, I’m sure I won’t want more olive oil tonight! This turns out to be the exact correct amount, just barely enough to reach the top of the flattened bits of the pierogies, in case you don’t want to roll the dice yourself.

Also, please do use GOOD olive oil, the oil flavor comes through so well in this, it showcases the absolute best the oil has to offer, don’t waste it on fucking canola oil you fucking simpleton.

Turn the burner on high, and keep your eyeballs trained on the gaps. As soon as the last large bit of undisturbed oil gets hot enough to begin to bubble, crank the burner down to about medium, maybe a hair lower.

Spatula? Spatula???? Oh shit!!!

Clean the only spatula in the house while begging the pierogies to turn out okay, because you are incapable of forward planning.

Check cooking side for firmness, texture and color. Firmness: they should sound hollow when you tap them with the spatula. Texture: like textured consumer electronics plastic, just rough enough to feel when you scrape it with the spatula, but not enough to see it with your eyes. Color: yellow leaning pale orange. This is like, two steps before golden brown. Don’t do golden brown. Cross your fingers and beg god not to give you golden brown, please.

When ready, flip pierogies onto the “belly” side. Mourn the two that are definitely overdone ever so slightly, and curse the last user of the spatula (spoiler alert, you were the last user).

Again, check for firmness, texture and color. This time, you want golden brown. Gasp audibly when all of them come out fucking perfect.

Get onto a plate, pat dry of oil, serve with sour cream (last of that too). Eat with your hands like an animal.

Oh my god. It’s like a stuffed potato chip. It’s too good.

Oh wait.

Oh no.

Oh no, I’m going gluten free and if you cheat your body keeps on eating your fucking neurons.

Oh no.

They are the last pierogies I will ever have.

Weep and enjoy.

Or Kill Me / Strange Loops
« on: January 03, 2020, 06:20:15 pm »
Has anyone else noticed it? I mean sure, we’re meat beasts and our soft serve head goo is a bit fuzzy at the best of times, but I think you’d need to notice it by now.

It’s kind of like a zombie, you know: you blow its head off at eighteen yards with a lit mining explosive on a stick, you expect it to stay down. And then it sits up and starts dancing the fucking Charleston on its own shattered remains.

That just isn’t how cause and effect works, unless there is a great and sincere problem with our understanding of reality. And brother, have we ever got proof of a great and sincere problem with our understanding of reality.

When I quit my job, you expect that that is the end of the matter: it is quit and I am done, there’s no more to do. And yet!

And yet.

Here we are, taking the same route to the same building to repeat the exact events, down to the timeline, of quitting before.

So I ask you: what, really, is going on?

Don’t get it in your head, of course, that this is all just my personal life. The cup runneth over.

Iraq War 2 (or Gulf War 3, whatever floats your crusty piece of flotsam) is here. Russia is our enemy, again. Hell, even Korea and World War 2 are coming back around for a second try. It’s deranged, decades stacking on top of each other like a Jenga tower with clipping errors.

PKD may have been a woomeister and more than a little burned out from all the fucking drugs, but he saw the future that is the present: “The Empire never ended”.

There’s no identification of a source, no suggestion for a solution here. This is not a problem to be solved, but a fact of our current ontological landscape. All I’m doing is pointing out that even if history repeats, this is a bit absurd. Hopefully, we can learn to navigate it.

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