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I WILL KILL A MOTHERFUCKER.

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Messages - QueenThera

#1
Literate Chaotic / Re: Names, Dead and Living
August 10, 2018, 02:19:45 AM
Thank you. I know it's rough, but... It does seem to be pretty good, so I wanted to share it with y'all.

I'm open to feedback on how to make it better. (I also wish I fucking knew what precise cocktail of events allowed me to just WRITE this. It wasn't Boiling Self Loathing like other poems, or Caffeine (precisely).)
#2
Literate Chaotic / Names, Dead and Living
August 09, 2018, 04:34:29 AM
I was born into judgment, to be a judge raised. Feeling God's bright eyes watching everything I do.

God judges me.

I was a judge of those around me, scorning and accepting based on simple forms.

God accepted me.

But not really.

How could he? I was weak. Every night I broke out in passion and desperation, I lusted after the female form

And

Found someone there.

Someone else sitting in the shadows, outside the light of God. I only saw her by the moonglow grin of her mouth. Its phases shifted as she whispered to me..

Who are you, really?

I broke. One day the contents spilled out on the floor entirely. All the justice and nobility and gentility. I saw love. I could do no less than break for it.

I craved love. I was empty now with a hole in me. I found a woman who touched me and whispered sweet things to me. She gained promises from me, and gained control over me. I loved her with the nothing in me, and I found... Nothing in her but hunger.

Once again the moon mouth crooned. Out of the night sky, among singing stars.

Who are you, dear?

I cried and sobbed. Afraid of the shards of me. They trailed behind me in beautiful forms. I held them all to my chest and shivered. I wanted...I wanted...

I wanted my real name. My real shape. My real soul.

I looked up to the sky, and reached towards her. Her hand took mine, and took me away.

I looked at her and said,

I am an island

And the constellation woman laughed and smiled with teeth gapped by craters.

And we danced, untamed. Unheeding of judgment. To the song of the sirens who drew men to their deaths.

But not I.

https://toothsome-chants.tumblr.com/post/174005348872/names-dead-and-living
#3
Quote from: QueenThera on July 27, 2017, 10:30:31 AM
I hate myself.

I only write shitty  stream of consciousness poetry.

I use many many boxes to hold the emptiness that is myself, and pretend they all hide a soul inside them. The paper I wrap around it is so pretty. I don't want anyone to open it (I want everyone to open it). It's so fucking cliché how empty I am.

I am autistic, I am transgender, I am Discordian, I am a fan of Oz, I am a fan of Wonderland, I am in love with Anywhere But Here, I am an escapist, I am passive, I am a fuckup.

I'm not real. How the fuck do you become a real person? Is it by obeying the right authorities like Pinocchio promised?

Is it by laughing at authority, like Tove Jansson promised?

Is it by making friends along the way, like The Marvelous Land of Oz promised?

Or is it all nonsense, like the Blue Caterpillar and Alice concluded?

Fuck it.

Hello, my past self! It’s so good to see you!

How are things? You still frozen in spasms of angst? Good!

I found a soul in the bottom of the last box. It looks like a seed. So I ate a lot of dirt, dropped that seed inside me (it looks like a pill too), and then ate a lot of shit.

The pill (it looks like a heart) is changing me. It’s giving me something strong and sturdy inside me. A core I can strike with a fist and make it thrum. Make it hum.

It’s my name. It’s my gender. It’s my goal. It’s my hope and desire and fuck the whole damn universe if it gets in my way. I’m not standing still by a principle. I’m running forward to smash what opposes me. I am progress, BITCH, and I decide what that means.

(Also I got the phone number of a tattooed cutie, bitten by a dog, and worship three more goddesses than I did before)

So I’m doing good. I’m doing better than you. Keep going.
#4
Fuck you

Fuck you

Fuck you

Except not in the Oedipus way (so tragic!) but in the violent way. The way sex has to be

Penetration that disrupts bodies and undoes what they used to be

I'm rambling anyway I hate my mom

Reasons to hate her: she isn't proud of me, she berates me, she is smothering me in a small room, and she screams

Reasons to love her: food shelter she's better than fucking daddy was

(I have daddy issues but please let's move on)

I can't hate her because she has cancer. I can't love her because she says I'm someone I am NOT

So escape? Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaahaaha

I laugh bitterly because that's my fucking life

A bitter laugh after the punchline's been pronounced.

Wow that's edgy hit post on THAT SHIT

(Hi I'm back)
#5
Is it still even vaguely possible that Donald Trump isn't trying to court and keep racists on his side?

I want to say this is too deliberate and obvious a long term pattern, but maybe he's just being manipulated, or there's a point to a fine gradation between Racist and Wants Racist Votes that I can't appreciate. Like the possibility of talking him out of it.
#6
http://huffp.st/ur3xn1q

Evidently there was some real big stuff going on during the Mooch fiasco.
#7
Chaos means being yourself at all costs.  When applied on the individual level, that is, to yourself. (Whatever a self fucking is)

I choose to be chaotic (ha I didn't try very hard (I'm a fraud)) to overcome my passivity. I should do things.

Chaos is also change and transmutation and---
It's being a fucking asshole. You shithead. You fuck. You just want an excuse to abandon your family and masturbate for the rest of your life. Parasite. Leech. (You're better off dead)

My brain doesn't work right, I'd like a new one.
#8
I want to write but I have nothing to say.
Or rather, I have a dozen things to say all at once
   (If things can be just shapes and forms and not actual messages)
          (Shouldn't I stop thinking about messages to convey?)
               (Shouldn't I stop thinking)
                       (Shouldn't I stop)

Fuck it. Continue anyway. Be anyway. Do anyway.
Go through the motions. Build up sandcastles and maybe your passion can flare out to turn them to revelatory glass.

Or let the tide sweep in and wash me away.

This is just clinical depression and/or anxiety and/or dysphoria talking. Why even bother with metaphors?
(Because my unconscious mind doesn't understand big words)
#9
Quote from: Bu☆ns on July 29, 2017, 01:54:25 AM

Mark this date: Donald Trump is now a lame-duck president
By Steven Pearlstein

QuoteRemember this day, July 28, 2017: The day Donald Trump became a lame duck president. More significantly, the day the tea party revolution ended and Washington began the return to "regular order."

The coup de grâce came at 1:30 a.m. on the Senate floor as John McCain became the third Republican to break ranks and defeat the third attempt to repeal Obamacare, which embodied the Democrats' promise that all Americans could — and should — have health insurance at a price they could afford. It was, as tea party Republicans had warned, another expensive government entitlement that, once granted, could never be taken away. Now McCain had acknowledged that political reality.
That article is full of hope and I want to believe it.

So what are they glossing over? What are they lying about?
#10
Woo I believe in...

Okay so. I believe that lunar rabbits are linked to the assassination of JFK.

I believe cartoon characters, gods, angels, demons, and fairies are all different facets of the same "thing". I also believe cartoons were watched in ancient caves (the art was animated by firelight).

I have maybe gotten results from sigils? And definitely got results from pagan worship of the Goddess Eris. She kept my grandfather alive (maybe), and got me a girlfriend who took my virginity (definitely, said girl claimed to have been after me for years and asked me out without me being attractive at ALL). Said woman was born on the fifth day of the fifth month, and an asshole. So it all checked out.

I think "Magickal Energy" isn't energy or matter. It's some densely put together unconscious information, kinda like what you find in the webnovel Fine Structure. I am still searching for the perfect word for it.

Oz is real and I'm going there when I die. Nonestica for LIFE! All bow before the beautiful transgirl Princess Ozma!

I believe in souls and afterlives as an act of cowardice in response to my existential vertigo about existing at all and ceasing to exist.

Synchronicities happen a lot. 17 and 23 and 5 keep showing up. I'm hoping this is good Eris stuff and not bad.

I made up a myth about Eris's twin sister Aneris falling in lesbian love with her reflection Sirena and leaving reality for her, our messed up moon being a result. I'm not sure I believe this.

I struggle with traditional Tarot reading, but I do have Homestuck, giant Rider-Waite, and Wonderland decks. What works for me is Morgan's Tarot, which is actually an oracle deck. It's very chillaxed. (I also own a Pathfinder Harrow deck, but mainly for the Rabbit Prince card, and enjoyed some of its weird spread layouts in its supplement book.)

I believe Lewis Carroll's Alice books and Hunting of the Snark would make a good basis for a Gnostic religion.

I think that if anyone knows how to solve the problem of suffering, it is Jenna Moran, who wrote Nobilis, Chuubo's Marvelous Wish-Granting Engine, and Hitherby Dragons.

I also believe in beauty and love and truth as the highest principles to serve. And I also believe I'm trans.
#11
High Weirdness / Re: Ark Encounter
July 28, 2017, 08:46:30 PM
Quote from: Bu☆ns on July 28, 2017, 05:48:31 PM
That's a good idea--in fact, why not technicolor dreamcoat the entire bible?
Jonathan/David OTP
#12
Hi all! Wait, so...I'm Batgirl, if my enemy looks like that, right?

...I look good in glasses anyway.

Also yes my avatar is neat! I put my old username in my signature!
#13
I hate myself.

I only write shitty  stream of consciousness poetry.

I use many many boxes to hold the emptiness that is myself, and pretend they all hide a soul inside them. The paper I wrap around it is so pretty. I don't want anyone to open it (I want everyone to open it). It's so fucking cliché how empty I am.

I am autistic, I am transgender, I am Discordian, I am a fan of Oz, I am a fan of Wonderland, I am in love with Anywhere But Here, I am an escapist, I am passive, I am a fuckup.

I'm not real. How the fuck do you become a real person? Is it by obeying the right authorities like Pinocchio promised?

Is it by laughing at authority, like Tove Jansson promised?

Is it by making friends along the way, like The Marvelous Land of Oz promised?

Or is it all nonsense, like the Blue Caterpillar and Alice concluded?

Fuck it.
#14
Quote from: Cain on July 27, 2017, 08:49:52 AM
Quote from: QueenThera on July 27, 2017, 01:38:34 AM
I haven't posted here in forever, and few of you probably remember me.

But like. I wanted to say this place, among others, confirms how obvious I was.

I found out this year I'm a transwoman, and this avatar itself is of a transwoman. All my avatars for years were women (save one video game character just recently).

It's just so fucking weird how long it took me to realize this. So naturally I want to tell Discordians about it.

I do remember you.

I've heard that's how quite a few people have realised they are trans, incidentally.
Yeah. Pretty much how I found out. I kept talking to trans folks via Discord, and then realized I made more sense this way.
Quote from: Pergamos on July 27, 2017, 04:50:01 AM

Oh no,  prepare to decide that the majority of Discordians are transphobic.

(hint, they are not)
I'm glad they're not but well. If they were, I technically could excommunicate the fucking lot of em. For all that's worth.

Incidentally, gender is so so so weird and nebulous and I wish it wasn't entirely up to me.

Also I wish I didn't find out I was trans in this presidency.
#15
I haven't posted here in forever, and few of you probably remember me.

But like. I wanted to say this place, among others, confirms how obvious I was.

I found out this year I'm a transwoman, and this avatar itself is of a transwoman. All my avatars for years were women (save one video game character just recently).

It's just so fucking weird how long it took me to realize this. So naturally I want to tell Discordians about it.