The World's Shortest (Yet Technically Complete) Adventure"The Orc and the Pie"by Monte Cook
Adventure Background: An orc has a pie.
Adventure Synopsis: The PCs kill the orc and take his pie.
Adventure Hook: The PCs are hungry for pie.
Room 1: [The Orc's Pie Room] read the following text to the players:
QuoteYou see an orc with a pie.
The room is 10 feet by 10 feet.
Creature: An orc.
Treasure: A pie.
Concluding the Adventure: Pie tastes good.
Further Adventures: Somewhere, there is a bakery making these good pies. Perhaps it's guarded by more orcs.
WHAT DO YOU DO???
Are we a PC?
Yes -- you see an orc. He has a pie. You want the pie. What do you do?
Check inventory
Quote from: Rumckle on June 21, 2010, 03:00:02 PM
Check inventory
you have whatever you are currently carrying IRL
I throw my blackberry at him and I get a +1 from weapon proficiency (corporate crap).
I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie.
Quote from: Ratatosk on June 21, 2010, 03:09:36 PM
I throw my blackberry at him and I get a +1 from weapon proficiency (corporate crap).
you hit him square between the eyes. He goes cross eyed and little birds fly in a circle above his head before he collapses to the ground, unconscious.
(http://biobreak.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/a_winner_is_you_1024.jpg)
Quote from: RWHN on June 21, 2010, 03:15:20 PM
I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie.
He falls for your
bedroom eyes attack, gives you the pie as the opening move in an attempt to bed you.
(http://biobreak.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/a_winner_is_you_1024.jpg)
...but now you have a horny orc following you around
Quote from: Cramulus on June 21, 2010, 03:17:44 PM
Quote from: RWHN on June 21, 2010, 03:15:20 PM
I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie.
He falls for your bedroom eyes attack, gives you the pie as the opening move in an attempt to bed you.
(http://biobreak.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/a_winner_is_you_1024.jpg)
...but now you have a horny orc following you around
I casually mention that Saruman is having an all-you-can-eat Manflesh Company Picnic.
Quote from: Cramulus on June 21, 2010, 03:01:28 PM
Quote from: Rumckle on June 21, 2010, 03:00:02 PM
Check inventory
you have whatever you are currently carrying IRL
huh,
I chug a bottle of beer in an attempt to win the orc's respect.
I show orc the internet in all of its attention sucking glory with laptop.
Quote from: Rumckle on June 21, 2010, 04:15:12 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on June 21, 2010, 03:01:28 PM
Quote from: Rumckle on June 21, 2010, 03:00:02 PM
Check inventory
you have whatever you are currently carrying IRL
huh,
I chug a bottle of beer in an attempt to win the orc's respect.
The orc eats the pie in an attempt to win
your respect
You LOSE sir, good DAY
\
(http://www.invisiblebirds.com/rmtimg/gooddaysir.gif)
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on June 21, 2010, 04:17:48 PM
I show orc the internet in all of its attention sucking glory with laptop.
he drops the pie and begins searching the internet for orc porn
rule 34 prevails in spades and YOU WIN THE PIE
Quote from: RWHN on June 21, 2010, 03:27:39 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on June 21, 2010, 03:17:44 PM
Quote from: RWHN on June 21, 2010, 03:15:20 PM
I cast a Crossdressing Bugs Bunny in an attempt to woo the Orc away from the pie.
He falls for your bedroom eyes attack, gives you the pie as the opening move in an attempt to bed you.
(http://biobreak.files.wordpress.com/2009/04/a_winner_is_you_1024.jpg)
...but now you have a horny orc following you around
I casually mention that Saruman is having an all-you-can-eat Manflesh Company Picnic.
You and the orc have a lovely time at the picnic and plan a second date for next weekend
I should DM this with my friends some time. I won't tell them what it actually is, I'll just get them to spend a couple hours rolling characters and then I'll spring this on them.
EDIT: Oh, and I squirt my acne medication ointment in the orc's eyes, then beat it senseless with my electric guitar. VICTOLY!
I key they orc's car, and hide in shadows. While he's examining his car all mad and stuff, I run up and "credit card" him in an attempt to kill him with shame and embarrassment.
I shake up my mountain Dew and fire the explosive fizz at him.
I take my pance off and attempt raping the orc to death.
I point to the fact that he currently has people raping him, Mtn Dewing him, throwing blackberries at him, 'crying gaming' him, etc. all in the confines of this 10x10 room.
Then i tell him that i'll invite 30 more people from the deepest depraved corners of the internet in here if'n he doesn't cough up the pie.
QuoteThen i tell him that i'll invite 30 more people from the deepest depraved corners of the internet in here if'n he doesn't cough up the pie.
Damn, that's just sick. Wish I'd thought of it.
I object. The standard dungeon room is 30' square, not 10' square. Everyone knows that. I mean, it's common sense, really. If you're digging through solid rock, you want to dig as much as possible.
I can't even bring myself to envision this combat. You'll simply have to move your orc to a 30'X30' room...or maybe a classic ell-shaped room. Like in the good old days. You spoiled-ass gamers have no idea how easy you have it. Why, in my day, we didn't have "saving throws", we just cowboy'd up and took our lumps. No dice, either. Not even those numbered chits. We whacked our heads against the table edge until we started bleeding, and then counted the drops of blood. You had to WANT your crits, back in THOSE days. grumble grumble kids these days grumble grumble
Quotegrumble grumble kids these days grumble grumble
And get off your
lawn desert.
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9Zh7DVdzXsU/S2U7zZpZXWI/AAAAAAAAANQ/APYxUMI6zuk/s400/gran-torino-clint-eastwood.jpg)
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on June 22, 2010, 04:49:41 AM
Quotegrumble grumble kids these days grumble grumble
And get off your lawn.
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9Zh7DVdzXsU/S2U7zZpZXWI/AAAAAAAAANQ/APYxUMI6zuk/s400/gran-torino-clint-eastwood.jpg)
I don't have a lawn (desert), but yeah.
Quote from: Dr. James Semaj on June 22, 2010, 04:49:41 AM
Quotegrumble grumble kids these days grumble grumble
And get off your lawn.
(http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_9Zh7DVdzXsU/S2U7zZpZXWI/AAAAAAAAANQ/APYxUMI6zuk/s400/gran-torino-clint-eastwood.jpg)
Scariest old guy ever.
QuoteScariest old guy ever
The hate he's directing at us is almost palpable.
And the radio said "No, John. You are the orc."
Then John had the pie.
Oh, yes, and I take the pie quietly out of the room while the orc goes :fap:
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on June 21, 2010, 06:12:17 PM
I take my pance off and attempt raping the orc to death.
Freeky stole my move.
Quote from: LMNO on June 25, 2010, 02:43:01 PM
Quote from: Mistress Freeky, HRN on June 21, 2010, 06:12:17 PM
I take my pance off and attempt raping the orc to death.
Freeky stole my move.
Don't you just hate kill steals? :mrgreen:
I cast "detect evil".
Quote from: Cain on June 25, 2010, 03:13:06 PM
I cast "detect evil".
it turns out that
you are evil
I wonder how often wizards discover their alignment by accident like that
I begin eating oranges.
Quote from: Cramulus on June 25, 2010, 03:13:48 PM
Quote from: Cain on June 25, 2010, 03:13:06 PM
I cast "detect evil".
it turns out that you are evil
I wonder how often wizards discover their alignment by accident like that
OK, I cast spell "locate orc".
I then use one of my metamagic feats which converts all spells to do ice damage. I then use another of my metamagic feats to convert that ice damage to electrical damage. I then cast fell drain. The orc takes 4 pts of damage per round and loses a level.
I continue eating oranges.
Quote from: LMNO on June 25, 2010, 03:27:58 PM
I continue eating oranges.
If you eat too much fruit you won't have much of an appetite for pie.
in my experience, it makes you hungry for anything but oranges
I continue eating oranges. I also remove my pance, and point my buttocks in the direction of the orc.
And eat more oranges.
Quote from: Cramulus on June 25, 2010, 04:01:01 PM
in my experience, it makes you hungry for anything but oranges
Supposed to be a double entendre :)
Plus LMNO will have to go through a lot before he gets hungry again.
Quote from: LMNO on June 25, 2010, 04:09:09 PM
I continue eating oranges. I also remove my pance, and point my buttocks in the direction of the orc.
And eat more oranges.
ohshit....
Quote from: Cramulus on June 25, 2010, 04:01:01 PM
in my experience, it makes you hungry for anything but oranges
I was eating non-orange things... in fact, I ate a large pasta dinner right before consuming the last 6 oranges. It was probably the only thing that made it possible.
I check the ceiling for traps.
I love this game. This might be the only role-playing game simple enough for me to understand.
I ask the orc if it would like to share the pie, as I have also brought along some deviled eggs and combining these resources we could have a picnic.
I shapeshift into Richard Simmons and lecture the Orc about how the pie is going to make it fat and convince him to join my new program "Sweating with the Orcies".
I take a generic gold ring and scratch a 1 in it.
'Hey orc, wanna trade?'
Quote from: Nast on June 28, 2010, 06:06:01 AM
I ask the orc if it would like to share the pie, as I have also brought along some deviled eggs and combining these resources we could have a picnic.
Awww! :)
Quote from: Nigel on June 29, 2010, 08:35:39 PM
Quote from: Nast on June 28, 2010, 06:06:01 AM
I ask the orc if it would like to share the pie, as I have also brought along some deviled eggs and combining these resources we could have a picnic.
Awww! :)
That is pretty heartwarming.
Dungeon Master, what do you say?
roll for it
if the seconds in the time stamp on Nast's next post is EVEN, the Orc eats with him all peacefully
if the seconds in the time stamp on Nast's next post is ODD, the Orc will use his skull as a fruit basket
Quote from: Cramulus on June 29, 2010, 08:56:12 PM
roll for it
if the seconds in the time stamp on Nast's next post is EVEN, the Orc eats with him all peacefully
if the seconds in the time stamp on Nast's next post is ODD, the Orc will use his skull as a fruit basket
Sorry Nast. Fruit basket.
So why roll the dice then?
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on June 29, 2010, 09:00:55 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on June 29, 2010, 08:56:12 PM
roll for it
if the seconds in the time stamp on Nast's next post is EVEN, the Orc eats with him all peacefully
if the seconds in the time stamp on Nast's next post is ODD, the Orc will use his skull as a fruit basket
Sorry Nast. Fruit basket.
So why roll the dice then?
Oh, NEXT post. whoops
THE SUSPENSE!!!
Killing me to.
Damn it Nast, POST!!!
I realize that I don't actually have to do anything, for I am not a PC; as a matter of fact, I am a Mac.
Not really, but somebody had to make that horrible joke.
Yay! My head remains as unserviceable to fruit as ever!
:)
Quote from: Nast on July 02, 2010, 07:01:08 AM
Yay! My head remains as unserviceable to fruit as ever!
:)
Hurrah!