Principia Discordia

Principia Discordia => Two vast and trunkless legs of stone => Topic started by: Doktor Howl on November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 AM

Title: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 15, 2017, 01:33:15 AM
Sep. 4
A quote from an email my boss sent me:
"You reek of non-compliance."

Sep. 11
Things I said in conversation today:
1. How much for just 13 megawatt hours?
2. There is no dancing in the 13,800 VAC cable room. Why do I even have to say this?
3. This is like watching the Titanic back up for another run at the iceberg.
4. All this needs to be perfect is 10 pounds of glitter fished out of raver ass crack.

Sep. 13
Today I drove home at 5 MPH slower than the speed limit in the left lane, with my right turn signal on the entire time.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me, so don't ask.

Sep. 13
Things I said at work today:
1. "We're going to do great things. For bad people."
2. "Budgets are for people who worry about budgets."

Sep. 14
Things I said at work today:
1. "If you stick that in there, you probably won't get it back."
2. "He's Jesus the Son of Man, not Jesus the IT guy. Fuck's sake."
3. If the Thai place outside of the facility closes, one of you has to die."

Sep. 15
Things I said at work today:
1. "Okay, no, you're right. The magical maintenance fairy will come along and fix that shit for free. No worries."
2. "Yes, actually I DO have to be a smartass."
3. "Does being realistic make my ass look big?"

Sep. 18
Our religious nut engineer is apparently a genius. He waits til the technicians solve a problem, then investigates it, writes up the solution the techs found, and presents it as "solved". The only reason he's still got all his limbs is that he does in fact credit the techs, if you read the footnotes and squint really hard.
Sep. 21

Things I said at work today:
1. (In the morning staff meeting) "According to physics, work done is a net result. If you carry a 50 pound block up the stairs, then take it back down the stairs, you have done no work. Think about that while you do the same wrong-headed, tired-ass shit you have done for the last 6 months."

2. (To the new database admin lady) "If you see the engineer crying in his office, don't get too concerned. He's a bad person and whatever happened to him is probably well-deserved."

3. (To Billy) "Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."

Sep. 22
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "I have added you to the safety committee, Billy. This is a position of great trust, and I expect you to shine. Just remember, the one who leaves the meeting with the most 'action items' wins."
(To My boss) "Yes, I just did that to Billy. But he has to LEARN. Right down in his bones. The fact that he believed that it was a position of great trust means that he has loads of learning to do."

Sep. 26
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "See that contractor technician working on that chiller? See how hard he works? I knew him back in 2005, and he was a tech back then, working just as hard. 12 years later, he's still a tech, still working hard. He will work hard his entire life and he will still be a tech."
(To one of my electricians, later on at the staff meeting) "You should work harder. It will take you farther in life."
(To Billy): "Why are you looking at me like that?"

Sep. 27
Things I said at work today:
(To Billy) "Yes, I did do that. You see, Billy, it's just us against entropy, really. Nobody else on the planet is even LOOKING at this mess, so it's up to us. Arguably, I didn't have a choice...Because how do you fight entropy? With monstrous deeds. Besides, I won't be lectured on morality by a guy who ran over someone's tiny home, so zip it."

Sep. 28
(Speech to working group today. Never ask me to give a speech.)
"Good morning. I am about to say impolite things.
But we are not here to be polite. We are not here to keep the customer happy. The customers hate us, and that is right and proper. The customers are seven and a half billion monkeys that insist on smoking three packs of cigarettes a day for thirty years, and we are the societal equivalent of an oncologist. We present solutions that *might* save them, but it will be very painful and we will charge them a lot of money.
The world of commerce is strange and terrible, and so I don't want you to think about commerce. I want you to think about pseudomonas and plastic microfibers in the tap water. I want you to think about sanitation overload. I want you to think about too much water everywhere, and none of it fit to drink. Commerce is a social fiction; cholera is real.
I am here to tell you today that government is not the solution. The market is not the solution. I am here to tell you that there *is no solution*, because those cancer monkeys will take the medicine we give them, and go on smoking cigarettes. Because people are stupid, and organized groups of stupid humans are just organized, efficient stupidity.
Which brings up another point: I do not want to see "efficiency" stinking up my facility. Efficiency is for people with diploma-mill MBAs, libertarians, and other parasites. Efficiency has never solved a problem in the entire history of the human race. Efficiency makes processes more profitable, but we are not in the business of processes. We are in the business of extracting money from cancer monkeys. They give us money, we give them ways to clean just enough water to live long enough to have more monkeys. You can see why, given this built-in advantage, efficiency is both unnecessary and in fact contrary to our interests.
Let me say this again: There is no room for efficiency in infrastructure analysis.
In closing, I don't want anyone to worry about the truck load of missiles that drove in circles in our parking lot for twenty minutes last night. That was just a shipping error on the part of one of our clients, and has been rectified.
That is all. You may now return to your labors."

Sep. 28
Your universe is defective.
A proper universe would imply that a species that gained enough intelligence to have some sort of sense of self-interest wouldn't care about things like national "pride", race, or even making weapons specifically designed to wipe themselves out entirely.
It would probably also have great big Goddamn lizards stomping around. Because that would be kind of cool, too.

Sept. 29
Things I said at work today:
(To my boss) "This ain't your grandpa's apocalypse."
(To Billy) "Can you get me the numbers for cholera in Thailand right now? Also typhoid and psuedomonas. And infant mortality for the last 4 years. How about pizza for lunch?"
(To new database admin lady) "Stop worrying about Billy. He'll come around. Why are you looking at me like that?"

Oct. 3
So, bad 60s dancing to "Everybody Talks" in my office with my boss, Billy, and the Occupant Services lady. New database admin lady walks to office door. Stops. Stares.
Dances the Watusi.
She stays.

Oct. 4
So Billy and I come rolling back up to the plant in the truck. Seats back, hand on top of steering wheel, all pimped out with Cyndi Lauper's "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" bumping on the stereo.
My boss and new database admin lady just stared at us like we were some kinda weird bird, for reasons that escape me.

Oct. 5
Today's test run: Horrible failure. Plant off line. Chillers very over. Sewage treatment plant flooded. I think my office sank. Nobody has seen Billy in hours, religious engineer guy has locked himself in his office, and the coyotes are circling like hammerhead sharks.
This is what SCIENCE looks like.

Oct. 6
Today was like watching the future sail away on a burning camel.

Oct. 6
My boss: *yells at me for 2 HOURS.*
Me: "You're wrong."
My boss: "..."
Me: "That's an alarming shade of purple"

Oct. 6
Billy: "If you knew the world was ending, and there was no way to prevent it, would you tell anyone?"
Me: "I'd tell EVERYONE."

Oct. 14
Giraffes can't enjoy coffee because it's cold by the time it reaches their stomach. But you never think about that, because you only think about yourself.

Oct. 16
At work today:
Billy: "Matter tells space how to bend, and space tells matter how to move."
Me: "You know what tells me how to move?"
Billy: "No, and I don't..."
Me: "Devine. You know what tells me how to bend?"
Billy: "Stop."
Me: "STILL DEVINE, BILLY."
Billy: "WTF IS WRONG WITH YOU, BOSS?"
Me: "DEVINE TELLS ME HOW TO BEND. NOTHING IS WRONG."

Oct. 17
14.5 hours of nonstop WrongScience™, because the world is delivered to your doorstep by terrible deeds. And exhaustion.
Little Billy fell out at 12 hours, because he is young, and the young are weak, and they cannot concentrate without blood sugar. I, on the other hand, am made out of scabs and scar tissue, and can live for 3 days on a rat that I swallowed whole.

Oct. 19
Today at work:
Boss: "I have to go, so as soon as <horrible maintenance emergency> is over, I'm out of here."
Me: "You should go now. This is going to take hours."
Boss: "I can't, because <horrible maintenance emergency>"
Me: "And what are you going to accomplish here? Do you think we are somehow not going to do our best if you leave?"
Boss: "No, but..."
Me: "Go. You can text me or call me if it starts bugging you."
Boss: "Okay." *leaves*
*Billy walks in*
Me: "Billy, hold my cell phone for the next two hours."
Billy: "What? Why?"
Me: "Don't question it. If the boss calls, tell her you're trapped in the rubble."

Oct. 20
I now have 5 petabytes of storage at work, so you are all being moved into it.
I shall be a kindly overlord.

Oct. 23
My workplace is careening off into insanity. Today I was told the safety committee will be deciding what critical spare parts I need to stock in the plant.
At this point, I'm just riding the roller coaster. Which is on fire. And has run out of tracks.
"This is normal, Billy."

Oct. 24
Billy is pretending to be horrified by my behavior today. He's such a kidder.
"This is all normal, Billy."
"No, it's not, boss. That was totally out of line. You had people screaming at you in Polish."
"They made unreasonable demands, and I felt something should be said."
"You called them mental defectives. AND you scared Mister Rogers" (Note: our safety manager looks exactly like Mr Rogers, and acts like him for the most part.)
"Harsh times, Billy, harsh times."
"You can't make Mr Rogers hide in his office, Sam. For God's sake."
"I can. I did. I felt my point needed to be driven home."
"You're crazier than those Polish dudes, you know that?"
*stops walking and looks at Billy for like 2 seconds too long*
"This is all normal, Billy."

Oct. 25
Things my boss said:
"I have been training my entire life to even, and now I can't."

Oct. 25
America, you can rest easy during these turbulent times. Billy and I are working on a set of solutions. With actual SCIENCE™. So everyone stop screaming and send more funding.

Oct. 26
15 straight hours of SCIENCE. Work successful, probably no actual laws broken. Excerpt from 90 minutes ago:
Me "Wake the hell up, Billy."
Billy: "What time is it? OH GOD WE'VE BEEN HERE 14 HOURS WATCHING THIS STUPID THING TEAR ITSELF TO PIECES. I'M TOO TIRED TO THINK."
Me: "You aren't paid to think, Billy, you are paid to spill science on things."
Billy: "I THINK I REMEMBER HAVING A LIFE."
Me: "Having a life is like STEALING FROM THE COMPANY, BILLY. Also, if this is just work to you, you aren't being paid enough, or you're being paid way too much. Anyway, go home, I will finish up."
Billy: "FUCK. Thanks."
Me: "See you at 5:30 AM."
Billy: "Wait. What?"
Me: "Good night, Billy."

Oct. 28
17 hours of adventure. Sam spent an hour crawling through a utility tunnel with a flashlight in his teeth. Sam's boss wants to know why he's so happy than only 5 breakers failed on restart.
Me: "When you don't service substations for 5 years, shit sometimes doesn't come back on like you think it ought to."
Boss: "So we're down a chiller, a well, an air compressor and a half dozen instruments, and you're HAPPY?"
Me: "You take your victories where you find them, boss."
Boss: "WTF?"
Billy: "This is all normal, boss."
I love Billy. Billy needs a raise, and maybe even a day off. Well, maybe just a raise. No need to get all carried away.

Oct. 28
I live in the Sonoran desert and somehow I have gone 72 hours without seeing the sun.

Oct. 31
Our religious engineer got a new bumpersticker that says "Legalize Jesus."
Me: "I think they should legalize beer, too."
Engineer: "Beer is legal."
Me: "But people don't have to drink it, which is almost like making it illegal. People run around drinking whiskey, even."
Engineer: "That's hardly the same thing."
Billy: "Some freaks even drink hard cider."
Me: "It's like this isn't even AMERICA, anymore."
Engineer: "Fuck you guys."
Billy: "You just swore. For like the first time ever. You're ADORABLE."

Nov. 1
Tips on dealing with treachery on the part of your direct reports, #312:
Keep them too busy to plot effectively. Make necessary improvements to systems only when they get comfortable with said systems, if the changes can wait that long.
If you MUST communicate, tell everyone the information in a slightly different format, so you'll know who ratted you out to the boss.

Nov. 2
Things I said at work today, with my bare face hanging out:
1. "I told you those bugs [sulfur reducing bacteria] were gonna get out of control. You just stand there while we shame you, you soggy bastard."
2. "Yes, I do have to get lippy about it. I warned you about this for 6 months. I have to go shit, so Billy will be shaming you in my place."
3. "Who's afraid of Doktor Howl? Fucking nobody."

Nov. 4
17 hours of NOPE. No, you cannot do that, because of basic physical laws. No, put Billy down, he has some admittedly marginal value and I have no time to interview his replacement. No, if your project is now flat, slightly radioactive, and smoldering, you are not getting additional funding, and you should probably start the whole plausible denial thing now. Nope, I am not father confessor at this pay rate, and I am utterly uninterested in your horrible woes or slightly criminal/unethical behavior and the consequences thereof.
Go ahead and complain to my boss. I'm the EASY option, and SHE will frame your bits and hang them in the conference room.

Nov. 6
Things I said at work today:
*Billy and I watching a guy in <corporation X>'s lab coat walking down the middle of the road in a trance-like state*
Billy: "We should call someone."
Me: "Yep. Gonna call <corporation X> security and have this guy collected up."
Billy: "Shouldn't we maybe call the paramedics?"
Me: "Have you never watched a horror film? Or an epidemic scare flick?"
Billy: "But this is real life."
Me: "Yes, Billy, and that is *exactly* why I am doing what everyone in those horror films SHOULD have done. 500 needless deaths a year would be prevented if people just followed protocol."
Billy: "You just made that number up."
Me: "Yes, but it's still true."

Nov. 6
So today I learned that not only do I have to give Billy a day off every 13 days, but I have to take one myself.
How the hell is shit supposed to get done?

Nov. 7
Billy: "So you're being investigated by the safety department for *following* both the law and the IEEE best practices?"
Me: "This is all normal, Billy."


Nov. 9
So, I am under investigation at work for *following* code & IEEE standards, and the two weasels who initiated it managed to pull the sole controlling meter out of a tank without isolating the process equipment, dumping a few dozen thousand gallons of potable water onto the desert, and by sheer luck alone managed to not smoke the pumps, which are at the bottom of 500 foot shafts. I am not allowed to name them in the incident investigation, because "no regulations were violated" (except every single OSHA rule on energy isolation, and county, state, and federal rules on containment, but who's counting?)
I am now actively looking for another job.

Nov. 14
Okay, so Billy and I are looking at this jockey pump that keeps pressure up on a few larger pumps. It's pumping from a tank system at 200 gallons per minute, for 8 hours or so a day.
Problem: None of the tank levels are going down. We checked, both in the system, and by physically climbing up on the tanks and looking in to verify their levels.
Billy: "I think we should quit, this place is haunted."
Me: "Nonsense. This is just one of those reality cracks we have in Tucson from time to time. Water is probably just leaking in from another universe."
Billy: "Or water is somehow getting back into the tank."
Me: "There are no other ways for water to get in. Look."
Billy: "Okay, haunted. We should quit."
Me: "People sometimes PAY for this kind of shit, you know."
Billy: "I didn't. This is spooky, and I don't like it. Who ordered this?"
Me: "This is all nor..."
Billy: "NO, IT ISN'T NORMAL. WE'VE GOT GODDAMN ELDER GODS IN OUR TANK FARM OR SOME SHIT. THIS IS NOT NORMAL."
Me: "This is all ftang, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on November 15, 2017, 01:08:57 PM
10/10.  Would read again.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on November 15, 2017, 04:10:45 PM
Reading this was the perfect start to my day. Keep on keepin' on, Dok.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on November 15, 2017, 07:58:48 PM
:mittens:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 01:19:15 AM
i'm going to make a comic strip based on your adventures and make millions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2017, 03:30:46 AM
Quote from: tyrannosaurus vex on November 16, 2017, 01:19:15 AM
i'm going to make a comic strip based on your adventures and make millions.


Comics artists all starve to death.  This is known.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2017, 03:42:19 AM
Another day of absolute failure.  The controllers I said were bad - and of which I was assured by *non-technical people* could not be the problem, because I am Doktor Howl and Doktor Howl cannot be right - shat the bed completely today, knocking the system down and stopping 3800 tons of water on a dime.  This created a water hammer that shook the entire building, and cracked a pipe that cannot be isolated without taking down the jockey pump.  The main pumps cannot run without the jockey pump.  The chillers cannot run without the mains.

So now we need a full unplanned outage, because I am leaking 100 GPM of water, molybdenum, phosphoric acid, chlorine, and chlorine dioxide into the basement.  And that crack ain't getting any smaller, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.

So no weekend for me.  Again.

On the bright side, this happened:

Me:  "So you are 4 classes from your masters, and you aren't enrolled?"

New Database Admin Lady:  "Um, I just started here.  I can't take that kind of time off.  The classes are all daytime."

Me:  "So work odd hours.  Your job is not shift-dependent."

NDBAL:  "You're serious?"

Me:  "Yes.  I will put it in an email, if you like.  Also, we have tuition reimbursement."

NDBAL:  *Walks off looking happy*

Billy: "I knew you were a big softie, boss."

Me:  "Pffft.  That lady is going to be our boss one fine day."

Billy:  "You think?"

Me:  "I know.  At least if I have anything to say about it.  You can't pick many things in life, but if you're lucky, you can pick your boss."

Billy:  "So it wasn't altruism.  Strangely enough, that makes me feel better."

Me:  "Who's afraid of Doktor Howl?  Fucking nobody."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 22, 2017, 12:43:20 AM
Me:  "...And so the programming is setting up the problem, because an "or" condition should have been an "and" condition, so if one sensor of two goes bad, the whole system freaks out, all the pumps come on, we overfill the tank, and we put poop on dirt."

Boss:  *looks dubious*

Me:  "It's simple Boolean algebra.  Look for yourself."

Boss:  "We need to get an engineer involved." 

Billy:  "What?  Why?"

Me:  "Billy, that is management code for "We're not going to address the problem, because doing something is riskier than, say, putting poop on dirt and getting the county up our colons sideways with a surfboard."

Boss:  "What?  No it isn't."

Me:  "How many problems that we have 'gotten an engineer involved' in have been completed?"

Boss:  "You aren't paid to be an engineer."

Me:  "No, I am paid to wait for engineering.  I am going to my office to listen to Lady Gaga and wait for the engineers to fix everything."

Boss:  *freaks the hell out, stomps off*

Billy:  "You're going to push her too far one day, boss."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Billy:  "You're going to get fired."

Me:  "Hush, Billy, it's Lady Gaga time."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 22, 2017, 01:00:48 AM
Also today:

Me:  "That girl threw *what* at you?"

Billy:  "Her cat."

Me:  "Why do you keep hanging out with her?"

Billy:  "She has a big butt."

Me:  "A big butt isn't everything, Billy."

Billy:  "BOSS, LISTEN TO YOURSELF.  LISTEN TO WHAT YOU JUST SAID."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bu🤠ns on November 22, 2017, 02:14:04 AM
Love this thread  :lulz:

(https://media0.giphy.com/media/OswzXCtFYfdi8/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on November 22, 2017, 05:33:08 PM
Comics artists starving to death notwithstanding, I truly believe this could have potential to be a "Dilbert for a new generation" kinda thing. I mean that in the best way possible; no offense intended whatsoever.

Not that any of this NEEDS graphical representation. It's pretty much perfect as-is.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 11, 2018, 03:44:15 AM
Me:  "Okay, Billy, we're employed again.  I start next Monday, you'll start on Thursday."

Billy:  "We're really going to do this?  Run a friggin' town full of rich old people?"

Me:  "Is that somehow different than running a research facility?  Both are full of people who know everything, want to make sure you know they know everything, and who are insanely afraid of any change at all.  Difference is, the old people are right to fear change."

Billy:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "If you're 70 years old and rich, what does upcoming change have to offer you?"

Billy:  "Intubation for the last few months of your life?"

Me:  "Exactly.  So it is our job to make sure they don't ever notice any change ever."

Billy:  "I think they're going to notice the tube."

Me:  "Yes, but by that point, they're not our problem anymore."

Billy:  "I can't put my finger on it, but what you just said sounds unethical somehow."

Me:  "It's the circle, Billy.  The circle of liiiiiiiiiiife!"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 11, 2018, 01:35:38 PM
I eagerly await updates (or minutes from council meetings)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 11, 2018, 05:21:38 PM
I missed this thread somehow until the most recent bump. It's awesome!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 19, 2018, 12:23:51 AM
Things I said at work today:

"Billy, this is Chef Ronald.  Don't get too close, he is a tightly-wound ball of anger and lives to make people cry.  Chef, this is Billy.  He has never in his life cried, and I doubt you can do the job, either."

"There is absolutely no reason for signs that say 'no adult diapers' around a pool for rich old people who have never had to obey rules in their lives.  Just order more pool supplies and try not to think about it."

"Before, I was untitled and lowly.  Now I am DIRECTOR Tarwell, and it has in fact gone straight to my head.  I am mad with power.  I'm basically the shithead politician/exec that dies gruesomely at the end of the movie, but has amazing cuff links.  Stop looking at me that way."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2018, 01:11:58 AM
So one of my janitorial crew members is apparently Billy's long-lost twin brother.

*standing by the water treatment plant*

Nick:  "So you guys know about this sort of thing?"

Me:  "Yup."

Nick:  "What's it like in there?"

Billy:  "Unadulterated horror."

Nick:  "What?"

Me:  "It's basically world war I in there.  Non-stop chemical warfare, only the Huns are microbes."

Billy:  "Genocide every day.  If things go right."

Nick:  "But they're just germs."

Billy:  "'Just germs, he says."

Me:  "You need to see the sewage treatment plant on the South end.  It's the other way around there...By which I mean, you spend all day trying to keep germs alive."

Nick:  "Why?"

Billy:  "What do you think eats the poop?"

Nick:  "I never thought about it, really."

Me:  "Imagine a few billion workers, furiously eating shit all day, while trying not to drown."

Nick:  "So, like my life."

Nick gets it.  Nick is not going to be a janitor for long.  No, Billy and I see big things ahead for him, and I think maybe he needs to get moved into the water management side of things.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on January 20, 2018, 05:03:19 AM
I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 20, 2018, 08:17:13 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on January 20, 2018, 05:03:19 AM
I found this looking for almost this, and...the universe scares me

:lulz:  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2018, 02:41:56 AM
Things I said at work today:

"The next person I catch standing on the top of a self-supporting ladder gets to clean out the spa."

"Boss, Billy and Nick are freaking me out.  They've been working together all day and I can't catch them fucking off.  This isn't natural.  And now I have to fuck off all by myself."

"If being a director means I can't dance to Abba with the HR lady, then what's the POINT?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 24, 2018, 12:22:56 AM
*Billy & Nick, outside of my office*

Billy:  "Look at that.  He's eerily life-like."

Nick:  "I keep expecting him to move or something."

Me:  "UM, I'M SITTING RIGHT HERE, ARSE BISCUITS."

Nick:  "IT TALKS!"

Me:  "It also hands out assignments.  Like who's gonna go unstop the men's room toilet next to the main gym."

I looked up at this point, but they were gone, like a fart in the night.



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 25, 2018, 01:57:46 AM
As of today, Nick is now maintenance instead of a custodian.

Me: ..."And this comes with a $4/hour increase."

Nick: "NICE.  When does my raise become effective?"

Me:  "When you do."

Nick:  "..."

Me:  "It's like you're moving in slow motion."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 25, 2018, 02:08:52 AM
So, replacing Nick after a promotion is a thing.  Poached on the kitchens, stole their part-timer dishwasher.

Me:  "And this isn't a done deal, Chris.  Yes, it's a raise, it's full time, and you get benefits for the first time in your life, but it's also more work.  And you will work, or out you go.  You have two options, here:  You can fail and go back to the kitchens, or you can shake your ass like your momma taught you and get things done.  If you do that, eventually you will move up to better things.  The custodial manager is a merciless tyrant, and he is frankly opposed to all of this, so know in advance that it's going to be an uphill battle. So, that being said, do you still want this?"

Chris:  "Yes."

Me:  "Good.  We're going to do great things."

Chris:  "As a janitor?"

Me:  "Stack that up next to three and a half years of washing dishes 20 hours/week.  If you want a career in the trades, it's a long hard slog.  This is because you are young and those of us who make decisions are old, and we hate you for your youth.  I mean, really, I could just stick you straight into an apprenticeship and you'd do fine, but that isn't how these things work.  You don't have enough bile yet, and you wouldn't appreciate things properly."

Chris:  "Wow.  Billy and Nick weren't kidding.  You're nuts."

Me:  "That is an illusion caused by the fact that you are on THAT side of the desk and I am on THIS side of the desk.  However, I admire your courage in saying so, so we'll just start you off cleaning the locker rooms for the gyms."

Chris:  "Fuck."

Me:  "Consider this your first lesson:  Speaking truth to power is often painful, and solves nothing at all.  Now, it's time to go to work."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on January 25, 2018, 07:40:00 AM
So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 26, 2018, 12:52:27 AM
Quote from: Emo Howard on January 25, 2018, 07:40:00 AM
So who would have cleaned the locker rooms if he had kept his mouth shut?

I apply the Cain rule in that case.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 26, 2018, 01:28:57 AM
Things I said at work today:

"When you're talking about OSHA, the difference between 'should' and 'shall' is the difference between 'my bad' and '6 years in prison.'

"Go home, boss.  One hour of well-rested work is worth 8 hours of fatigued work.  Why do I even have to say this?  Turn off your computer and go home.  All of this horrormirth will still be here tomorrow."

"Billy, the best way to deal with a troublesome employee is to promote him or her.  The person will either rocket past your expectations or else explode spectacularly in the breakdown lane, and it turns out I win either way."

"So as I understand the story, God tossed humans out of Eden, and the humans said, 'Well, fuck, we'll just make our OWN Eden' and the following 10,000 years has been the resulting attempt to mimic magic with technology.  Now, I personally don't buy into the idea of a higher being, but plenty of people do, and we have to understand the way they think and even pretend to respect their beliefs.  I mean, if they're in a position to give us grief.  And let me tell you, the theists around us are indeed in a position to make our professional lives a series of tragic misunderstandings.  So we're all gonna smile and nod and make appropriate noises when the good citizens of our town tell us about how Jesus feels about the border wall."


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on January 28, 2018, 03:24:50 AM
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: POFP on January 29, 2018, 02:42:58 PM
 :lulz: This thread is fucking glorious.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 01:11:07 AM
Billy:  "It's so weird seeing you in a suit."

Me:  "I know.  I already feel more evil."

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on January 30, 2018, 06:35:13 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 01:11:07 AM

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"


Well...have you?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 11:56:00 PM
Quote from: ReverendJesus on January 30, 2018, 06:35:13 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 30, 2018, 01:11:07 AM

Billy:  "Have you memorized the Glengarry Ross monologue yet?"


Well...have you?

Yes, but only as a guide on how NOT to run a business.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 12:07:34 AM
Things that were said at work today:

Me:  "I don't understand why it is so difficult to understand that if you sign a contract, you have to hold up your end of it.  But here I have paid you on schedule for work that turns out to be completely substandard.  And now, mid-contract, you are claiming that you need more money for slipshod work because the minimum wage went up.  This boggles the mind.  First, it isn't really my business or my problem that you pay people crap and can't keep employees for more than a few weeks.  Second, I want to introduce you to a term which may be new to you:  'penalty clause', a term which I am now invoking.  My part of this conversation is over, and you will continue it with Horrible David, our lawyer.  He is a nasty man who doesn't even understand the term 'reasonable'.  So take the interval between conversations to mull over all the bad business decisions that have led you to this point.  Good day, sir."

Billy:  "Chris, you know how some people have 'resting bitch face'?  Well, the boss has 'resting evil glee face', but you gotta understand that he's cheerfully evil all the way down to his bones and if you don't start moving your ass, he'll move it for you."

Nick (to Billy):  "What the hell is the boss doing?"
Billy (to Nick):  "He says he's trying to invent 'Desk Haka'.  Better to pretend you don't notice."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 12:21:05 AM
Also today at work, in safety meeting:

Me:  "Boss, are you scratching your back with a knife?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 01:17:08 AM
The pools at the facility I run are 2,500,000 gallon standard Olympic size pools.  So, at 4 ppm chlorine, that's 8.5 gallons of chlorine, at ten pounds per gallon.  Now, rich old people get in the pool.  The amount of piss a horrible old rich person can contain is 0.13 gallons.  Mixing that much urine with chlorinated water would produce .01 pounds of chloramine gas.   So when 8500 people piss in the pool, the free chlorine crashes, because it's all been turned to chloramine, which doesn't show up on a free chlorine test, but the chlorides are still in the water, only nastier and more prone to off-gas in sunlight.

The water crashes twice a year.  Which means 47 of the old bastards are pissing in the pool EVERY DAY, and then complaining that the water is making their eyes burn.

Science:  Not always your friend.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on January 31, 2018, 01:29:50 AM
:horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :fap:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on January 31, 2018, 05:28:26 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2018, 12:07:34 AM
'Desk Haka'
'Bout died when I read that.
:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on January 31, 2018, 06:59:58 AM
You know those signs you sometimes see near pools that start "Welcome to our ool"

I've thought for a long time now that someone should make one that starts "Welcome to our l".

Just throwing that out there.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 31, 2018, 08:57:16 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on January 31, 2018, 01:29:50 AM
:horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :horrormirth: :fap:

This
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 12:51:26 AM
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Nephew Twiddleton on February 01, 2018, 01:39:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 12:51:26 AM
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

:lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 01:47:41 AM
Quote from: Nephew Twiddleton on February 01, 2018, 01:39:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2018, 12:51:26 AM
So that damned underwater spring found it's way to the surface again, right in the middle of an intersection.  It's also come up at an angle, so the water is welling up through the blacktop and running uphill for a short distance, and then down the storm drain.

*watching water run uphill*

Nick:  "What the hell?"

Billy:  "Get used to it.  You work for Dok now, and that's how things are.  Remind me to tell you about the haunted water tank."

Me: "Remind me to tell you both about the robot fucker."

Nick:  "..."

Billy:  "You're not even kidding, are you?"

Me:  "This is all normal, kids."

:lulz:

The robot fucker was at the observatory, right?

Yep.  The world's most dedicated pervert.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2018, 01:29:58 AM
Things that got said at work today:

#1  Me:  "Yes, I AM dancing in my office.  You may have noticed that I have an excessive amount of energy, which unkind people might even describe as 'manic'.  I can shed that energy dancing to 'Everybody Talks', or I can use it to find things for you to do."

#2  Billy:  "So we're going to build an entire SCADA system for the swimming pools?"
Me:  "Also the HVAC units."
Billy:  "Isn't that going just a little overboard?"
Me:  *looks at Billy in Boss*
Nick:  "Seriously, it's overkill."
Me:  "Then what am I gonna do with the 500 Bluetooth transmitters that we found in the storage room?"
Nick:  "We could just ignore them.  They probably belong to the IT guy or something."
Me:  *looks at Nick in More Boss*
Billy:  "Okay, whatever. I'm just saying that..."
Me:  "Despite our reduced circumstances, there is SCIENCE around here somewhere.  I can smell it."
Billy:  "Oh, shit, here we go."
Nick:  "Wait.  What?"
Me:  "Hush.  There's work to be done."

#3  Boss:  "You're just going to hand the water numbers over to the board?"
Me:  "Well, they have a right to know.  I'm just inflicting the truth."
Boss:  "They're gonna shit."
Me:  "Then I guess we'll just have to do better."
Boss:  "No, seriously, they're going to shit."
Me:  "This is how we do it.  Drag everything out in daylight, see what wiggles. Besides, WE didn't pee in the pool.  Unless there's something you want to tell me."
Boss:  *looks at me in Boss*
Me:  "Okay, fine.  I won't EXPLAIN it, I'll just publish it."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on February 02, 2018, 01:34:58 AM
the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2018, 03:07:42 AM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on February 02, 2018, 01:34:58 AM
the "looks in boss" are seriously the best part.

I love that you have minions.

I am a lofty director now.  I have more than 50 minions.  It's just that these two are awesome.

My common areas manager is also awesome, but more in the "consummate professional" way.  She's a real joy to have around, despite the lack of laughs. 

She is also the senior manager, but ranks 4th out of 5 in pay, strangely enough.  Have to fix that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 08, 2018, 12:13:04 AM
*watching Riverdance rehearsal at the theater*

*dancer falls off of stage*

Billy:  "Ouch."

Me:  "It's a great day to be alive, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2018, 12:53:50 AM
My boss wanted me to write an article on pool hygiene so that people would stop getting in the pool without showering and maybe stop pissing in the pool and shaving their legs in the spa, etc.

So I did.

Then he read what I wrote, and told me that perhaps we should take out a radio ad or something instead.  Or put up more signs.

Nick:  "Well, sure.  We probably don't want to tell them what's actually going on."

Me:  "Yes, we do.  I mean, I SAID the water was fine, I just said how much money it costs to keep it that way when everyone's treating the pools like they were latrines."

Boss:  *Looks at me in boss*

Me:  "Fine.  Nick, order up another 500 pounds of carbon."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on February 13, 2018, 09:34:49 AM
So what do you do with all that carbon when it's, err... full?

Can you just lay it out in the sun and let it ventilate itself, and then reuse it?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 14, 2018, 12:23:59 AM
Quote from: Emo Howard on February 13, 2018, 09:34:49 AM
So what do you do with all that carbon when it's, err... full?

Can you just lay it out in the sun and let it ventilate itself, and then reuse it?

You stuck it in a "Blue Oven" and crank the temp up to 400+.  In a well-ventilated area.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2018, 12:06:37 AM
At work today:

Billy:  "What do you look so grumpy about?"

Me:  "The new guy."

Billy:  "Who, Kevin?  What's wrong with him?"

Me:  "I sent him to fix the blower on roof 3."

Billy:  "And?"

Me:  "He did it."

Billy:  "So, what's the problem?"

Me:  "While he was doing that, he noticed that one of the hot water heaters was out.  So he fixed that."

Billy:  "That's good, right?"

Me:  "And while he was doing THAT, he noticed some dodgy wiring, so he pulled new wire in parallel, opened the circuit, landed the new wires, and yanked the crappy stuff out. While he was in process of doing THAT, he found that the breakers weren't labeled, so he got the print, verified ALL of the circuits, and labeled them with proper placards instead of a sharpy."

Billy:  "Holy crap, it's not even lunch time."

Me:  "I know."

Billy:  "This isn't natural."

Me:  "I know.  And God won't let me have nice things unless he's gonna drizzle crap all over them first, so I am just sitting here and I am waiting for the other shoe to drop."

Billy:  "But what if there isn't another shoe?"

Me:  "Have you learned NOTHING?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on February 24, 2018, 03:24:51 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2018, 12:06:37 AM

Billy:  "But what if there isn't another shoe?"

Me:  "Have you learned NOTHING?"
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 01, 2018, 11:51:01 PM
At work today:

Me: "I got bored and put a mirror in the scanner and suddenly I'm somewhere where Trump is president and people blame kids for being shot at in school."

Billy:  "I hate you."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 23, 2018, 01:24:45 AM
So Billy has given his notice.  The sanitation plant offered him $12,000 more a year and a slot as the second shift plant supervisor.

I should be happy for his treasonous good fortune, I suppose.  But I am a jealous and wrathful god, and I have brought him into the think tank I am connected with.  He's got to be horrified by *someone*, after all.

In the meantime, I am gonna ramp the fun up, because I only have until two weeks from tomorrow before he's a vendor and not an employee.  And you know what *that* means.

Yes.  It's time for a dance-off.  A MANDATORY dance-off.  The HR lady says I can't do that but that I should anyway, and that she's participating to lead by example.

So what I need is music that sounds like you SHOULD be able to dance to, but that you actually can't.  Suggestions?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 11:57:04 AM
The Birthday Party, Swampland (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rX5zIMUW2qc)

Nomeansno, Metronome (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yXUjeftjl2A)

Eric Dolphy, Hat and Beard (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7tnPkQufnZY)

Einsturzende Neubauten, Z.N.S. (https://youtu.be/sW80JfXLZGs)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: hooplala on March 23, 2018, 12:55:02 PM
Funhouse by the Stooges. I've tried. It's a no-go.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 01:02:51 PM
Quote from: Hoopla on March 23, 2018, 12:55:02 PM
Funhouse by the Stooges. I've tried. It's a no-go.

Balls.  I mean, it looks like an epileptic fit, but it's possible.

Here's the track, by the way. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bX275Crxxc)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: hooplala on March 23, 2018, 01:31:53 PM
Oh shit. Just realized I was thinking of the wrong song. I meant No Fun by the Stooges. Oops.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 23, 2018, 02:26:20 PM
Ok, I'll give you that one.  Mid-Tempo, and obscures the back beat. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G-4icrlZbaY)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 24, 2018, 12:52:39 AM
At work today:

Billy:  "Well, when I go to the new job, I won't have to take any shit off you anymore."  (Billy is leaving to run the local sanitation district's second shift)

Me:  "Do you even hear yourself talking?  I am in fact going to give you shit.  Something like 2 tons of shit each and every day.  Your entire career will consist of nothing more than you taking shit off of me.  It's literally your new job description."

Billy:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on March 24, 2018, 06:34:53 AM
To be completely honest, I'm not a music person and am probably not the best person to judge what can or cannot be danced to, but for some reason this comes to mind.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FH5TZaUTX8A
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 05, 2018, 02:05:16 AM
Billy, Kevin, and I, standing across the street from the transformers and cable nodes.

Kevin:  "So if we pull 3 more strands of fiber optics from the node, we can..."

*dump truck takes the corner wide, smashes the node flat, half the town loses cable and internet*

Billy:  "Or we could just install a new node."

Me:  "Yes, that seems to be the option now."

Kevin:  "DID YOU GUYS JUST SEE THAT SHIT?"

Me:  "Well, yes.  We're not blind."

Kevin:  "THAT DUMBASS JUST SQUISHED $50,000 WORTH OF GEAR."

Billy:  "Yeah.  Saw that."

Kevin:  "THAT'S HALF THE DAMN CITY DISCONNECTED."

Me:  "Obviously."

Kevin: "..."

Kevin:  "This shit doesn't bother you guys?"

Billy:  "This is all normal, Kevin."

Me:  "Just another day in Bastard City."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 05, 2018, 12:51:14 PM
I like this one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 06, 2018, 12:54:18 AM
Quote from: LMNO on April 05, 2018, 12:51:14 PM
I like this one.

Kevin is still adjusting to Tucson.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 06, 2018, 01:00:30 PM
When's Billy's last day?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 07, 2018, 06:04:55 AM
Quote from: LMNO on April 06, 2018, 01:00:30 PM
When's Billy's last day?

Today was his last day.  There's a good story in this, but it will have to wait until my blood sugar is where it needs to be.

Monday he gets the first two tons of shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 12, 2018, 01:12:48 AM
I am on this "energy committee" thing at work. It hasn't even actually been formed yet, nobody has been confirmed as a member. I am already being emailed by people who are *most likely* going to be members, and all of them are saying, "These are our conclusions, please warp the data to fit."

Also, the engineer involved is hilariously condescending. Today, he tried to explain to me what a kilowatt hour is, because I am obviously a trogdolyte who thinks that electricity is magic given to us by the Gods.

And here I am, with no Billy to assist me in my horrible mockery.   :cry:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 12, 2018, 12:35:26 PM
I have faith in your HorriblenessTM.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 13, 2018, 12:45:15 AM
Kevin: "I can't understand it. I checked everything, and the fiber optics still aren't working."

Me: "You sure you checked everything?"

Kevin: "I walked the entire building."

Me: "Oh. I probably should have told you...Someone ran the node over. Again."

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/30657213_1794929940558654_1094788241787191296_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=6aff0a993c4ac1e3d0d04586b4da3ec1&oe=5B60024C)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Vanadium Gryllz on April 13, 2018, 02:09:47 AM
Completely flattened it!

Do these people just drive off after smashing the nodes?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 13, 2018, 12:45:00 PM
I like how you strung Kevin along on that one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 06:07:33 AM
Quote from: LMNO on April 13, 2018, 12:45:00 PM
I like how you strung Kevin along on that one.

Troubleshooting sometimes includes noticing the obvious.  Like a gigantic truck full of sand repeatedly driving over your signal source, forever.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 06:08:20 AM
Quote from: Vanadium Gryllz on April 13, 2018, 02:09:47 AM
Completely flattened it!

Do these people just drive off after smashing the nodes?

The first truck driver did.  I heard he made bail.

The second guy just stood there looking sheepish until the cops showed up, so it was just an insurance thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 08:32:44 AM
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 16, 2018, 08:33:37 PM
Things I said at work today:

1.  "The reason you dislike your job is because you have not yet been exposed to academia."
2.  "No, we cannot post ads in the paper about your missing boa constrictor.  How the hell did you lose a boa constrictor?  How big was it?  Oh, this should be an interesting week or so."
3.  "Boss, I don't feel it's fair to ask me to keep a straight face about a homeowner losing a 12 foot boa constrictor in a town full of cranky & slow old MAGA people.  This is how I get my happy thoughts, you knew that when you hired me."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 16, 2018, 10:59:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 08:32:44 AM
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with a pentagon for an office.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 17, 2018, 01:12:30 AM
Quote from: LMNO on May 16, 2018, 10:59:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2018, 08:32:44 AM
My new office has the following dimensions:

Height:  15 feet
Wall 1:  6.5 feet
Wall 2:  16.5 feet
Wall 3:  13 feet
Wall 4:  11 feet
Wall 5:  21 feet.

Also, the angles don't add up. 

Hounds of Tindalos?  NEVER HEARD OF THEM.

I completely forgot to ask how you ended up with a pentagon for an office.

I am apparently not designed to be viewed by the general public, and my henchmen are worse.

So they found an extradimensional space for our exile.

CALL ME ZOD, HUMANS!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 17, 2018, 10:11:01 PM
Kevin:  "You should stop laughing, boss.  This isn't funny."

Me:  "There are no possible conditions under which this isn't funny."

Kevin:  "She was seriously injured."

Me:  "Yes.  She was seriously injured because she was walking on the Spanish tiles on a roof on which she had no business being, trying to catch waiters fucking off out back for a smoke.  How the hell did she even get up there?  I don't know.  You don't know.  Nobody fucking knows, and she ain't saying.  So instead of doing her flying nun routine, she fell.  And she fell because God hates a busy-body snitch who has no better way to spend her retirement than criminal trespassing in an attempt to get a minimum wage employee fired."

Kevin:  "Well, when you say it like that..."

Me:  "Damn right.  God hates snitches, I hate snitches, and every right-thinking human being hates snitches."

Kevin:  "Harsh."

Me:  "Remember Judas Iscariot?  Neither do I."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 01:49:12 AM
Also, Tucson rush hour traffic horror:

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32842136_1830616873656627_4420542995749666816_n.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=745f5899a632ac7c5baea812fc5c38d0&oe=5B7894A4)

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32878782_1830616953656619_6915105270221766656_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=c8dfbfff14fd312e3f42a7ff98e284b5&oe=5B79E739)

(https://scontent.fsnc1-1.fna.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/32780098_1830617040323277_1240573884378382336_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=79d09bbf84551457545da6a201ace4c3&oe=5B81066D)

I was barely doing 70 MPH on account of that one guy.  This isn't reasonable.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 08:09:29 PM
So, the Great Snake Scare in this joint went viral pretty quickly.  Patrol's phones are blowing up, as are admins, mine, the executive director's, everyone.

Nobody has SEEN the snake (that part of the hysteria will come later).  Instead, everyone is scared because they DON'T see it...Which is, in the case of a monster 12' boa constrictor, not unreasonable.  What isn't reasonable is what they're asking for.

1.  "How long will it take you to find the snake?"
2.  "How do I know if the snake is around without being able to see it?"
3.  "What do we do if the snake attacks my corgi?"

The answers, so far:

1.  "Ma'am, if I knew that, I would know where the snake is, and the answer would be 'the problem is over'."
2.  "Sir, I don't even know where to start with you."
3.  "Wager on the snake, get a new corgi."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 18, 2018, 09:01:52 PM
I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 18, 2018, 09:06:58 PM
Quote from: LMNO on May 18, 2018, 09:01:52 PM
I'm hoping there will be at least one more good story out of this.

I honestly can't see a bad ending for this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2018, 11:03:58 PM
Even the fabulous Doktor can make mistakes.

Converted a supply closet to a kiln room for a glass kiln.  Got the spacing right, power provided, fire department sign-off, everything.

I mean, everything except the air conditioning return.  Didn't think of that bit.

So the return in the old supply room starts shipping the smell of fusing glass into the accounting office.  Like a lot.  Like a whole lot.  Like the accounting office smells like a crematorium.  So, vented the old supply room out of the ceiling, and pulled the return and dropped it in my office, which is on a different HVAC unit.  So every time the door is closed, my ears pop.

Recap:  Stink gone from accounting office, and my dimensionally-incorrect office is now also atmospherically-incorrect.

This can only get better.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 22, 2018, 01:17:20 PM
Whoops.  Maybe take it easy on the whole "warping space-time" for a bit?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 22, 2018, 02:11:05 PM
That pressure balance is just fine... for where that room is going.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on May 23, 2018, 03:59:21 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2018, 11:03:58 PM
Didn't think of that bit.

Y' made me laugh, you grizzled fuck
:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:25:56 PM
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:29:20 PM
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 23, 2018, 08:33:51 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:25:56 PM
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 09:40:51 PM
Quote from: LMNO on May 23, 2018, 08:33:51 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:25:56 PM
Three snake sightings today.  I expect more over the next couple of weeks.

It's worth mentioning that the snake was found by our grounds people yesterday afternoon, in very poor condition, and was removed to an animal shelter for treatment.

:lulz:

In my defense, it's outside of my area of responsibility and I would be stepping on the toes of the new Director of Grounds if I started making announcements.

The new director of grounds starts next week, so he can tell them.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 23, 2018, 10:00:22 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:29:20 PM
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 10:15:15 PM
Quote from: Faust on May 23, 2018, 10:00:22 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2018, 06:29:20 PM
Also, complaints of mold odor by the ladies that work at our service desk.  These ladies are saints, who deal with entitled old fucks 24/7 and somehow maintain their composure.

Mold tests in that area match the same level as the rest of the building and outdoors, but the smell is only there.  The HVAC system is not compromised.  There are no dead rodents in the area.  The ladies themselves do not smell bad. 

This can only be the result of black magic.

Hmmm..... Could something come in that has mold on it? Maybe the cleaners mop? Actually don't tell me, I don't know why I want to suck the mystery out of the universe.

This problem has slowly grown over a two year period, apparently.


It can only be ghosts.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:09:51 PM
Sitting before me:  A stack of invoices from a hardware store.  All of them are overdue by up to 18 months.  None of them were submitted for payment when Steve picked up the various things he bought.

Standing in front of my desk:  A very defensive Steve, puffed up with primate threat posturing,  Imagine Chris Christie inflating to present a bigger threat.

Me:  "Have anything to say about this?"

Steve:  "I haven't got time for that bullshit."

Me:  "That's amazing, given that all you seem to do is make town runs to one store or another.  It would seem like there would be plenty of time to code your receipts.  It takes less than a minute."

Steve:  "Are you saying I don't do shit around here?"

Me:  "Yes.  Yes, I am saying that.  I am also saying that your paperwork is not in order.  The first sin is venal, the second is mortal."

Steve:  "What?"

Me:  "You have sinned in the eyes of the company, Steve.  You have sinned in the eyes of your manager and me.  More importantly, you have sinned in the eyes of Stephanie from accounting.  I'm the soft option, here."

Steve:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "No, you don't.  You have many options in this situation, but only one of them involves keeping your job.  That option is to sit down, code all 70 of these invoices properly by noon, and then give them back to me on the way to apologize to Stephanie for making her life more difficult that it has to be."

Steve:  "I ain't kissing any front office ass."

Me:  "This is a limited time offer.  You may agree in the next 7 seconds, or you will be walking out the door.  Please call my bluff."

Steve:  "OKAY FINE."

Me:  "Welcome to the road to redemption, Steve. Next time this happens, you're going to have to sing hymns."

*30 minutes go by.  Kevin walks in.*

Kevin:  "Are you really going to make him sing hymns?"

Me:  "Word gets around.  Yes.  Yes, if he does this again, he shall sing "A Mighty Fortress" because sinning against Stephanie definitely requires some Presbyterian-style repentence."

Kevin:  "How are you even functional?"

Me:  "This is all normal, Kevin."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2018, 06:21:58 PM
 :lulz:

The punchline gets me, every time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:48:05 PM
Quote from: LMNO on May 24, 2018, 06:21:58 PM
:lulz:

The punchline gets me, every time.


What nobody seems to get is that "normal" does not mean "good" or "nice" or even "sane".  This is not the era to worry about whether or not your boss is all fucked up on tiny yellow pills.  No.  This is the era to GET SHIT DONE and then GRIN at the resulting devastation.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 06:55:19 PM
Also, LMNO, I may have to ask a favor.  I am being asked to "craft" a response to a situation between the board of the town I work for and the next one over.  I feel that it is crucial that this response be both utterly incomprehensible and also totally lacking any actual information, yet still seem to address the question.  So I turn to you and your known expertise in killing 1000 years of the development of the English language via corporate-speak.

When I know what it is they want, I'll post it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 24, 2018, 08:55:38 PM
:fingers at the ready:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 08:57:22 PM
I'm in a meeting using a tablet.  People think I'm taking notes.

This is all horribly familiar.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 09:02:05 PM
What's funny is that I AM taking notes, thanks to voice-to-text, which leads me to believe my time could be more productively spent than, say, sitting through a meeting by a "finance" committee formed by people with commercial and/or industrial finance background to advise a non-profit organization.

Seriously, these fuckers have managed to institutionalize "Back in MY day..."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2018, 09:03:35 PM
I am just sitting here watching aggressive stupidity automagically fill a Word document.

Do we even need people at all anymore?  I'll have my machine insult your machine, we'll do lunch.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on May 25, 2018, 12:54:24 PM
(https://media.giphy.com/media/3ohzdObhsRe3QmbMRy/giphy.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 08, 2018, 07:08:20 PM
So, Denise caught fire today.  One of those tragic conference room things, LMNO can tell you about them.  One minute, you're fine, the next minute everyone's hollering and trying to find the fire extinguisher, and you're like "WHAT?"

In this case, the cause was obvious.  I had asked to borrow Denise from marketing to help enter some truly bizarre alkalinity results, based on some ideas I got from Zenpatista at our last periodic Geeks Night Out."  She's a nice young lady, and was glad to help.  Then she got interested in the problem itself.  She and I and my pool specialist spent two days beating our heads against the wall, when suddenly her eyes lit up.  You could almost see smoke coming out of them.

"You guys said that metal could 'flocc' with the extra base, right?"

"Yes."

"Your algaecide is mostly zinc."

Anthony and I look at each other. I look at Denise.  "I'm buying you lunch.  Its salmon today."  I also notice that she was bitten by the bug.  You can tell.  She just spent days working with her brain and  solved a very difficult problem by going over data until her eyes hurt, but SHE solved it, and we're all about giving her credit for it.  So far, so good.

But today she's at her regular job, and she is telling all of us in the meeting that she has negotiated a Cher tribute singer AND a Journey tribute band for the old fogeys in the richer facility...And that fire in her eyes from yesterday came out and caught her hair on fire.  She ignores this, and mentions that the citizens are unhappy that we can't get the REAL Neil Sedaka for next month, but that the guy they CAN get looks and sounds just like him.  That's when she exploded.

There were no survivors.   
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 08, 2018, 10:15:06 PM
I sympathize with her, of course, since I have been ON FIRE since 2007.  The part of your brain that you used as a kid, before we beat all the answers into you, is on full blast.  When you don't have a "gotcha" problem, you go find one.  It is the state of mind in which "because it always worked that way" becomes "Why does this stupid shit function at all, and how can we make it function BETTER, MORE AUTOMATED, AND REPORTING ITS CONDITION AT ALL TIMES?  We breathe PLC code and speak in SQL captures.  I want to see a new breed of technician, for whom NOTHING is "good enough" or "Put to bed", with blazing eyes and overheating junk in their steaming pants. A bright new future, all blowing itself to pieces every night, to be built FASTER BETTER SEXIER at 8 AM.

There is horrible science in everything, and if YOU knew what *I* know, you'd never get in a public swimming pool again, and you'd side-eye the toilet.  It's not on your side.




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2018, 06:06:32 PM
Billy and I had brunch today (a sign of how far I have fallen is that *brunch* is an acceptable term), to discuss how our various jobs are going and catching up on a few things that affect both of our companies:

Me:  "...And that's why the handicapped entrance doors sometimes close on people repeatedly."

Billy:  "How are you going to fix it?"

Me:  *blank stare*

Billy: "Oh, right.  Hang on, I have to go to the bathroom."

Me:  "You're only making more work for yourself."

Billy:  *blank stare*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 13, 2018, 10:45:57 PM
Kevin:  "The water at the bar at the main clubhouse tastes like ass."

Me:  "Like literal ass or just like ass?"

Kevin:  "Just ass."

Me:  "The soda machine has lost it's supply check valve and you're blowing CO2 back into the waterline.  Call the vendor, have them fix their shit."

Kevin:  "Okay.  What if I said literal ass?"

Me:  "Then you'd be calling Billy.  He isn't above that sort of thing, you know."

Kevin:  "That's fucked.  I know you both, and you are definitely the bad guy."

Me:  "You know us both?  Did you know Billy backed a 5 ton truck over somebody's tiny home back in 2016?"

Kevin:  "I heard something about that."

Me:  "Did you know Billy once smoked 'a few rats' out of an access tunnel and caused ratpocalypse at <Corporation name> during their 4th of July employee party?"

Kevin:  "I didn't hear about that one."

Me:  "Yes, it was like a reverse pied piper.  All the rats came up into the main hall and lobby of the engineering building, right in the middle of their party.  It was like The Masque of the Red Death."

Kevin:  "He didn't get fired?"

Me:  "No, I blamed it on the assholes over on the interior facilities side and erased all the footage from the accessway.  Not because I felt loyal to Billy, but because the idea of a building full of engineers being potentially exposed to bubonic plague amuses me and I feel it should be encouraged.  And since this is Arizona, that IS possible."

Kevin:  "SEE?"  *points at me*  "BAD GUY."

Me:  "This is how I get my happy thoughts, Kevin.  Everyone should have their happy thoughts.  That's what this great nation is all about."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 21, 2018, 08:53:31 PM
Things I said at work today:

"We do not hold chlorine tablets in our teeth while we work.  Why do I even have to say this?"

"There are no rats in the admin building.  We killed them all.  You have ghost rats."

"I don't worry about budgets, which is why my numbers are in the black.  You do everything on the cheap, which means you have to do it twice, which is why it's only June and you have no money.  So no, you can't have any of my money, because you obviously can't be trusted to spend it fast enough.  Now get out of my office, you penurious little mendicant, you're lowering my property values."

"No, boss, I won't be reasonable about this.  He's far too fiscally-responsible for me to feel charitable.  Now, if he'd blown his budget on new ranges or fryers or maybe some proper Goddamn air conditioning for his kitchen staff, I'd be willing to give up some of my capital expenditures budget, but he didn't...So he can just go ask Baby Jesus for more money.  Or the board.  He's probably better off with Jesus, because the board is pissed off just on account of the weather."

"The world of accounting is terrible and mysterious, Kevin, and it sometimes makes people cry."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on June 22, 2018, 03:09:04 PM
There is an artist I'm friends with who could probably do some kickass ghost rats
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 22, 2018, 09:04:58 PM
Kevin:  "My heroes have always been cowboys."

Me:  "MY heroes have always been BIG GAY COWBOYS."

Kevin:  "wat"

Me:  "Cowboys.  Like Steve Mcqueen or Jimmy Stuart or the Cisco Kid, only BIG and GAY."

Kevin:  "Why Gay?"

Me:  "Nobody ever asks me 'why big?'."

Kevin:  ...

Me:  "The horse doesn't care if you're Gay, but it really cares if you're 6'5" and 310 pounds.  That would be a pain in the ass.  It would be like a Shriner cowboy."

Kevin:  "Stop."

Me:  "Your spurs would keep sticking in the dirt, so it would be like someone tagging the brakes every step and a half."

Nick:  "He's right you should stop."

Me:  "So, yeah, the horse is tired and the cowboy needs new boots and the whole time he's givin' you the hairy eyeball.  Which is like the regular eyeball, only he's got hair in places you didn't know you HAD places."

Kevin:  "JESUS FUCK BOSS STOP."

Nick:  "Wait.  Why are horse-abusing hairy eyeball people your heroes?"

Me:  "Because they save the children of Montana from great white sharks."

Kevin:  "Montana is land-locked."

Me:  "And so?  No coast guard, you GOTTA have BIG GAY COWBOYS."

Nick:  "THERE ARE NO SHARKS IN MONTANA."

Me:  "Well, not ANYMORE."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on June 23, 2018, 05:45:53 PM
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on June 24, 2018, 10:18:27 AM
beautiful. :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 28, 2018, 02:00:53 AM
Soooo...My boss asked to see my budget re-forecast.

Boss:  "Um, this is pretty dense stuff."

Me:  "You asked for a budget analysis and there it is.  4 spreadsheets and 20 pages of it.  One thing worth noting is that I am under-budget on employer burden and WAY over-budget on overtime, meaning that my headcount is wrong."

Boss:  "Where is that?"

Me:  "Spreadsheet one, page one, line items 1 & 3.  The analysis is in the text, section IIa."

Boss:  "Most people just add 3%."

Me:  "I'm not most people."

Boss:  "You don't say.  Can you just give me a summary?"

Me:  "Give me some more money you bastard."

Boss:  ...

Me:  "That's what it all comes down to, really.  Also, summaries just make people mad.  Look, you're mad right now."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2018, 01:22:49 AM
So, the electrical bill split that was given to me in January seems to have no connection with reality, which I had noted at the time.  I was told to use it anyway.  Now the guy that told me to use it (boss's boss) says it's wrong and here's the correct one, oh and by the way I have 5 days to fix the enormous snaggle.

Completed 3 hours later, double checked and all the accountant group has to do is add or subtract a single number per account per month for 5 months.  Call it 30 minutes of work.

Controller:  "How the hell did you do this so fast?"

Me:  "My Excel-fu is strong.  It is in fact a 300 pound javelina and it's balls bounce on the floor."

*everyone stops and stares at me*

Me:  "Was that inappropriate?"

Princess Stephanie:  "Um."

Me:  "I just saved you 30 hours of double entry work."

Princess Stephanie: "Okay, the javelina thing is okay.  With the balls bouncing on the floor and whatnot."

Controller:  "Totally okay.  Now can you unfuck your labor numbers?"

Me:  "SHOW ME WHERE THE MIC IS AT."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2018, 10:09:52 PM
Quick conversation with Kathy, the world's second-scariest Russian.

Kathy:  "What did you do to my assistant?"

Me:  "Whatever do you mean?"

Kathy:  "Ever since she helped you guys with that water problem, she's been positively manic."

Me:  "Is that a bad thing?"

Kathy:  "No.  It's great.  She's twice as productive and she's interested in learning how everything works."

Me:  "Well, she caught fire.  She has learned the glory of knowing things and learning things and working with her brain instead of her boredom."

Kathy:  "Can you bottle that?"

Me:  "No, but I have a blowtorch in the shop and we can maybe use that on the general workforce."

Kathy:  "muhaha"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 10, 2018, 09:41:10 PM
Kevin:  "I don't get it.  The surlier we are, the more good press we get."

Me:  "It's simple, Kevin.  The public has an image of maintenance that they like to believe in.  We are grizzled old bastards with *just* the right amount of cheek.  We are like the chimney sweep in Mary Poppins, only there will be no singing whatsoever."

Kevin:  "That sounds unlikely."

Me:  "It is the plain and simple truth.  No matter what is in the package, if the box is colorful, they will like it.  You could pack a Hasbro box full of dog shit and people would line up around the block."

Kevin:  "That's cynical as hell."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "You just called me Billy."

Me:  "Different box, same shit.  Once you look past the packaging, people are remarkably fungible."

Kevin:  "How do you even get dressed in the morning?  You're completely bugshit."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true.  The graveyards are full of unique and irreplaceable people."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 AM
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 01:43:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 AM
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:58:03 AM
Quote from: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 01:43:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 AM
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:58:20 AM
Also, I have been accused of "weaponizing my budget."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 06:08:09 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:58:03 AM
Quote from: Capeditiea on July 11, 2018, 01:43:12 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 11, 2018, 01:14:23 AM
I seem to have lost 20,385,000 gallons of water sometime in June.


:O how?

I suspect evil magic.

Or a broken meter.

One or the other.

*mischievious laughter ensues. I took it :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 17, 2018, 11:32:56 PM
Me:  "Goddammit, Kevin, I told you to do HVAC 38 first."

Kevin:  "But that is a huge issue and I could get the other 4 done in a morning."

Me:  "You don't understand.  I am not angry here.  Where is 38?"

Kevin:  "Over the admin area by the accountants...OH."

Me:  "You're damn skippy 'OH'.  You know what this means?"

Kevin: "Princess Stephanie is mad."

Me:  "She's not mad.  Just disappointed."

Kevin:  "Oh God no can't she be pissed off?"

Me:  "No, she said she understands."

Kevin:  "Noooooooooooo"

Me:  "You know what you have to do."

Kevin:  "Hari kari?"

Me:  "Pfffft.  Nobody gets off that easy.  You gotta go apologize to her."

Kevin:  "But she's gonna forgive at me until I die."

Me:  "Should have thought about THAT before disregarding my instructions.  Now get your ass in there and get forgiven.  You deserve it."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 25, 2018, 09:30:56 PM
A bunch of ex-engineers, architects, and other people who have been trained their whole lives to insist they know everything, all jammed in a room to discuss energy usage.

This particular meeting was supposed to just be about the charter, but everyone started talking at once, pimping out their own personal pet ideas.  Nobody had read the usage history I had sent them 2 weeks prior, and I know this because the chairman sent me an email this morning before the meeting saying:

QuotePlease let me know by noon which of the following will be available for discussion with the ETF today:
1.   Jan-June Trico spreadsheet, rate code, kw, kwh, $
2.   Jan-June SW Gas spreadsheet, therms, $
3.   Example bulb in a box of parking lot light(s) [if more than one kind]. Since we now don't know for sure how many hours the tennis lights are used, parking bulbs take priority since they are on many hours.
4.   How do we heat our buildings, gas or heat pump?
5.   Spec sheet on A/C (heat pump?) existing and units to be replaced, or have been recently replaced, per the reserve study
6.   Spec on furnaces, if they exist. Nameplate BTU/HR and efficiency rating.
7.   Specs on pool heaters. Nameplate BTU/HR, eff., flow rate, delta T, etc.
Be sure to let me know if other resources are needed to help. Vince offered monies.
Thanks,
Ron

<Deep breath>So he wants me to resend him items 1, 2, and 4.  I sent him the specs on 3, but apparently he doesn't trust my ability to read, so he wants an actual bulb (they are twice the size of a football and if you touch them with bare skin, you just threw away $950).  5 consists of 120 machines that are on rooftops at 111F, and he wants this by 12:30 and that is not going to happen.  There are no furnaces, and I've told him that.  Again, he does not believe me.  #7 is also in the information I sent him.  Lastly, Vince most definitely did NOT offer monies.  Vince has killed people for having a 3% budget variance.  No money comes out of Vince.  Nothing comes out of Vince except horror and madness.  Stop your foolish lies. <wheeze>

It occurs to me that I am in the golden era again, like when I worked for Jim, except that I have less accountability and am in fact not ALLOWED to send him anything else until they sort out the charter, which did not occur today.  So I am in the enviable position of having a pack of retired "professionals" to torment with their own inability to follow state law regarding political task forces.  It ALSO occurs to me that Ron has mistaken Director Howl for his errand boy.

My only problem is that there are too many choices in trying to decide how to fuck with this committee.


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on July 26, 2018, 01:46:37 PM
Such problems you have!  Where to begin?  What horrors to wreak?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 26, 2018, 04:59:38 PM
Quote from: LMNO on July 26, 2018, 01:46:37 PM
Such problems you have!  Where to begin?  What horrors to wreak?

Warming up with treacherous maintenance manager.

He left a bunch of shit undone, thinks he knows what is actually important (and if we were industrial, I wouldn't question this) more than the board of directors, then lies to me repeatedly.

In short, he's a miserable sinner.  So I write him up.  So he goes to horrible HR person to get the write up removed.  Lies to her, she knows this and is okay with it, tells the big boss a couple of lies herself.  What neither of them seem to realize is that I never ever ever EVER put discipline on paper unless I have ironclad documentation that not only proves he's lying, but also proves she lied.

This will all end in madness and horror and death.  I am okay with that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 27, 2018, 01:23:13 AM
While continuing conversation with treacherous underling, he demands a raise.

I am in the process of writing him up for the second time, and this is apparently the time to ask for a raise.

Full marks for chutzpah.  This is the equivalent of shooting your parents then asking for clemency because you're an orphan.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 28, 2018, 02:58:05 AM
Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on July 30, 2018, 12:50:11 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 28, 2018, 02:58:05 AM
Meeting of doom concluded.

Treacherous underling very over.  Evil HR lady taking on water with associated engine room trouble.  Big boss probably taking medical retirement.  My faction's "leader", so to speak, will probably be the new big boss within a month, which means Evil HR lady very over.

My boss sitting there with a wide-eyed stare, stunned from the horrible devastation.  The good news is that he went in fighting, which I wasn't sure he had in him, and he didn't try to moderate any of the horrible shit I did.

Also, Evil HR lady managed to reveal who her rat is.  muhaha.

Anyway, within about 4 weeks we can get back to actually getting things done.

Moral:  Document everything - EVERYTHING - before you stick your junk in the blender.


Lifehack.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on July 30, 2018, 04:04:20 PM
As lifehacks go, this is now amongst my favorites.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2018, 10:04:15 PM
Boss:  "Let me get this straight.  We bought a stock of R22 refrigerant at $30/LB in 2016 and you are selling it at $27/LB in 2018, and you made a profit off of this?"

Me:  "Yes."

Boss:  "How do you make a profit when you sell for less than you bought?"

Me:  "The world of EPA regulations and incentives is a mysterious and terrible thing, and not for the eyes of the uninitiated."

Boss:  "Is it some kind of subsidy or buyback?"

Me:  "I am not sure you're better off knowing."

Boss:  "ARE WE BREAKING ANY LAWS?"

Me:  "This is all legal, boss."

Boss:  "It doesn't *feel* legal."

Me:  "It feels like $23,429.05 in unbudgeted available funds."

Boss:  "This definitely doesn't feel legal."

Me:  "It's not only legal, it is in fact MANDATORY.  Like, it's illegal if we DON'T take the money."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "$23,429.05 off the budget deficit."

Boss:  "FINE."

Me:  "It only hurts the first time you violate your ethical code.  It just gets easier and easier after that."

Boss:  "Go do money shit."

Me:  "Righteo."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on August 01, 2018, 12:53:18 PM
"Go do money shit."


That's awesome.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 01, 2018, 05:05:24 PM
Quote from: LMNO on August 01, 2018, 12:53:18 PM
"Go do money shit."


That's awesome.

If it weren't for the unending, ceaseless attacks from the one-person hostile workplace, this job would be even more fun.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2018, 09:39:04 PM
Me:  "So that's how I watched an entire department fuck itself in just one day."

Billy:  "Sounds like I bailed just in time."

Me:  "No, you're missing out on the fun.  The maintenance lead managed to argue himself from a write up into 6 write ups and a demotion.  You can't pay for this kind of entertainment.  Also, Kevin is, as you said he was, squealing to the HR jackass lady on the regular, and he just managed to talk himself - with her, mind you - out of the $600 bonus I had arranged for him."

Billy:  "What, you yanked the bonus?"

Me:  "No, she did.  Conspiring with her is like working for Donald Trump:  You get fucked EVERY TIME, lose money, and get poo on you."

Billy:  "Why do they keep doing it?"

Me:  "They feel that I am very unfair on account of assigning due dates to jobs."

Billy:  "I've seen your due dates.  You always assume that everyone is blind, stupid, and crazy when you decide how much time they get and...Um..."

Me:  "Yeah.  I only gave them a week to fix a faucet."

Billy:  "You Goddamn slave-driving tyrant."

Me:  "Operations Uber Alles."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2018, 02:46:40 AM
DEATH DESTRUCTION AND TERROR

Some days I love being me to a degree that might indicate mental illness of some sort.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on August 03, 2018, 02:05:55 PM
I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2018, 03:49:25 PM
Quote from: LMNO on August 03, 2018, 02:05:55 PM
I love how subversive you can get while just following the game rules as presented.

I prefer to think of myself as an artist.  :lulz:

Inflicting the rules is a glorious thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 07, 2018, 01:40:53 AM
So, I am reading resumes again.  I liked a couple of them.

Boss:  "It looks like they job-hopped a bit."

Me:  "If they're dumb enough to stick it out at a dead-end job, they're too dumb to work for me."

Boss:  *looks at me in boss*

Me:  "It's true.  The world is full of hard-working idiots.  I don't want those.  Frantic activity is not accomplishment."

Boss:  "I'd like to see a little frantic activity."

Me:  "That's why we have tractor porn.  I'm trying to get some projects completed, and that's a whole different thing."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "We came here to run it, run it."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 08, 2018, 01:19:59 AM
I have to - no shit - figure out how to get an elephant through a normal set of double ballroom doors.

I wasn't trained for this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Vanadium Gryllz on August 08, 2018, 01:54:51 PM
Is it specified anywhere that the doors need to remain intact?

What happens once the elephant is inside?

So many questions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ziegejunge on August 08, 2018, 04:07:17 PM
Literally talking about the elephant in the room. I dig it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 08, 2018, 04:54:37 PM
Quote from: Ziegejunge on August 08, 2018, 04:07:17 PM
Literally talking about the elephant in the room. I dig it.

I have instructed my staff to ignore it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on August 08, 2018, 06:10:31 PM
I am intensely interested to know whose job it is to deal with the elephant shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 08, 2018, 06:41:35 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on August 08, 2018, 06:10:31 PM
I am intensely interested to know whose job it is to deal with the elephant shit.

That I can answer right now:  faithless, treacherous maintenance weasels.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on August 09, 2018, 07:21:28 AM
Have you interviewed the elephant?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 09, 2018, 05:12:37 PM
Quote from: Emo Howard on August 09, 2018, 07:21:28 AM
Have you interviewed the elephant?

What?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 09, 2018, 06:54:41 PM
Sad news:  I just received word that the judge handling the emergency injunctions has stated that the happy couple will have to live without an 11,000 pound mayhem/death beast at their wedding.  In fact, he seemed to be really excited by the very notion that he was asked.  Harsh language may have been involved.

:cry:

Pour a little out, homies.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on August 10, 2018, 07:06:07 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 09, 2018, 05:12:37 PM
Quote from: Emo Howard on August 09, 2018, 07:21:28 AM
Have you interviewed the elephant?

What?

Yeah, I dunno. I was kinda buzzed when I typed that.


Something about how the elephant felt about the project


or


:?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 14, 2018, 01:17:51 AM
At work today, giving a talk to the (lol) "energy task force" about the utility bills.  It is worth mentioning that Ron the Dumbass has never dealt with commercial or industrial utilities.

Me:  "So demand is the highest use of power in any 15 minute period, and on-peak charges are based on the highest momentary use of power during peak hours."

Ron the Dumbass:  "No, that's wrong.  There's no momentary charge."

Me:  "But there is.  I have been doing this for many years and the charge is in fact momentary."

Ron:  "You don't know what you're talking about."

Me:  "Okay"  *sits down*

Boss:  "Ron, shut up.  Roger, continue."

Me:  "I was actually done anyway."

State representative via skype:  "So, how come this one peak charge is higher than the daily demand?"

Me:  "Well, I'd say because you only need a half second to establish a peak, but you need 15 minutes to establish a demand, but Ron informs me that this is incorrect, so I'm going to say that the specially-trained monkeys that enter the data at the electric company are all messed up on crack and entering gibberish."

Boss:  "You don't have to be a smartass."

Me:  "Apparently I do."

Ron:  "What's wrong with you?"

Me:  "You are, Ron.  You make me hate data analysis, which is the only thing in the world that I love that loves me back."

State representative:  "Someone shut Ron up while there's still a task force."

And that is how you handle Dunning Krueger in an engineer.  You feed them to state level politicians.



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 21, 2018, 05:01:11 AM
Me:  "Billy, you should come over at lunch.  Our main restaurant is sinking."

Billy:  "What?"

Me:  "The ground is subsiding underneath the Northwest corner.  All the windows are warping."

Billy:  "Wow.  How fast is it sinking?"

Me:  "Like an inch in the last 24 hours."

Billy:  "I'll pass."

Me:  "Why?  All the deer outside look like they're standing crooked."

Billy:  "I'm not literally dying for chicken cordon bleu."

Me:  "Buck up, Billy.  You're forgetting something."

Billy:  "What am I forgetting?"

Me:  "You are sitting next to  a tank with 250,000 gallons of shit in it that is directly downhill from what is clearly a moving groundwater issue."

Billy:  "Um."

Me:  "Drown in shit or watch crooked deer while you eat Chef's chicken cordon bleu.  You decide."

Billy:  "What's the side today?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: minuspace on August 21, 2018, 09:00:15 AM
QuoteWhat's the side today?

On a deep, prelinguistic, and positively indeterminate level, Billy was shielding himself from the "moving groundwater issue."

[Edit. And then water starts gushing into the street below me right after I wrote that (not even kidding.) and a huge tree collapsed into the same, closing a lane two houses down. That's what Zi get for crossing streams)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 01, 2018, 01:55:40 AM
(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/40572523_2190134454600302_3176454445143687168_o.jpg?_nc_cat=0&oh=bb17d6eae88d78935bb05615c62690ab&oe=5BF0BABC)

Pre-exploded pig, ~ 20 minutes before The Incident.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 02, 2018, 05:47:58 PM
:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 02, 2018, 10:09:56 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 02, 2018, 05:47:58 PM
:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?

No, Billy is a bad person and does bad things, but he hasn't yet detonated a pig.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 03, 2018, 08:34:05 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 02, 2018, 10:09:56 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 02, 2018, 05:47:58 PM
:O wait, Billy returned to the work place?

No, Billy is a bad person and does bad things, but he hasn't yet detonated a pig.

He needs to step his game up. Also when he does record it. :D that would be an interesting video. :D

The best option to have him return, discordian water torture(FOSS). (for a lack of a better name.) *nods,

here are the steps.
1. get the equipment needed. (sponge, a chair, some black nylon rope, a cat, Billy.)
2. tie Billy to the chair.
3. wet the sponge with some water.
4. every 23 minutes drip a drop on the cat, who was strategically placed around Billy.
5. find the cat.

then repeat steps 4 and 5 until Billy succumbs to your every demand.

to intensify this, you may wear leather.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 04, 2018, 09:59:46 PM
Watching it rain inside the kitchen.  It's not raining outside.

Kevin:  "I told you this would happen.  This area is too small for a ten ton air conditioner."

Me:  "I'm aware.  I know that and you know that, but the retired engineer on the energy task force thought this was a good idea."

Kevin:  "Did he ever do any refrigeration work?"

Me:  "Nope.  Electronics."

Kevin:  "So how is he qualified to do this?"

Me:  "Because he is an engineer and we are lowly tradesmen.  To admit that we have skills he might not have is to say that he isn't a living God and maybe even that we are capable of walking upright."

Kevin:  "Is he really that arrogant?"

Me:  "Engineer."

Kevin:  "We can still fix this. We can put the 10 ton on a secondary thermostat so it doesn't short-cycle."

Me:  "No, Billy, this looks like an engineering problem."

Kevin:  "Stop calling me Billy.  And this is totally fixable."

Me:  "But we aren't going to fix it, at least until he has rolled in his own poop for a while.  Engineers can't learn without pain and humiliation."

Kevin:  "You talk like they're not actual people."

Me:  "Do actual people make it rain in a commercial kitchen in a monumental fit of hubris and incompetence?"

Kevin:  "No, okay.  But we should fix this."

Me:  This is all normal, Billy."

Kevin:  "Goddammit.  Stop calling me Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 05, 2018, 03:13:19 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 04, 2018, 09:59:46 PM
Kevin:  "Did he ever do any refrigeration work?"

Me:  "Nope.  Electronics."
I'm finding it a bit difficult not to employ the "no-true-scotsman" fallacy, here.  I mean, wouldn't a real electronics guy know that big things have big tradeoffs?

Quote
Kevin:  "Is he really that arrogant?"

Me:  "Engineer."
We're not all bad.  I have a degree in electrical engineering, but I'm the first to admit you shouldn't let me try to fix your blender.  Not unless you have the schematics for it.

It's reasonable to assume arrogance by default, though.  ERTW is part of the culture, or at least it was, back when I was in school.

Quote
Me:  "But we aren't going to fix it, at least until he has rolled in his own poop for a while.  Engineers can't learn without pain and humiliation."
This is true.  It might even take more than one incident.

Quote
Me:  This is all normal, Billy."
"Situation normal" is one of my pre-canned responses to "How's it going?"  I'm trying to train the project manager to wince whenever I use it.  I have a manic grin to go along with it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 04:43:17 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 05, 2018, 03:13:19 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 04, 2018, 09:59:46 PM
Kevin:  "Did he ever do any refrigeration work?"

Me:  "Nope.  Electronics."
I'm finding it a bit difficult not to employ the "no-true-scotsman" fallacy, here.  I mean, wouldn't a real electronics guy know that big things have big tradeoffs?

Quote
Kevin:  "Is he really that arrogant?"

Me:  "Engineer."
We're not all bad.  I have a degree in electrical engineering, but I'm the first to admit you shouldn't let me try to fix your blender.  Not unless you have the schematics for it.

It's reasonable to assume arrogance by default, though.  ERTW is part of the culture, or at least it was, back when I was in school.

Quote
Me:  "But we aren't going to fix it, at least until he has rolled in his own poop for a while.  Engineers can't learn without pain and humiliation."
This is true.  It might even take more than one incident.

Quote
Me:  This is all normal, Billy."
"Situation normal" is one of my pre-canned responses to "How's it going?"  I'm trying to train the project manager to wince whenever I use it.  I have a manic grin to go along with it.

There are two kinds of engineers. 

Ron is the third kind.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 04:46:47 AM
I mean, I have worked with some deranged assholes in my time, but this guy is the all time champion.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on September 05, 2018, 08:56:34 PM
...and what's wrong with ABBA?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:09:53 PM
Quote from: LMNO on September 05, 2018, 08:56:34 PM
...and what's wrong with ABBA?

Nothing is wrong with Abba.  It was the absolute exemplar of the British music scene.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:11:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:11:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:16:59 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:11:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:18:07 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:16:59 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:11:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:20:20 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:18:07 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:16:59 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:11:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.


:3 interesting. :D well, as a goddess i am probably around 100 times your age. :D 4004. *nods.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:21:13 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:20:20 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:18:07 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:16:59 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:14:13 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:11:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.

The money people.  LMNO.  You know when they're around because your money panics in a moment of existential dread.  Your stocks go sideways and they will teach you to NEVER again stick your junk in the bond market, if you know what I mean.  And I think you do.  When money people are around, all the radio stations start playing Abba, except the religious AM stations, and those just start howling about "improper physics" or maybe about how "WE GOT YOUR FRIENDS WE GOT YOUR FAMILY IA IA IA!". 

Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).  Engineers in their resting state do whatever they can to prevent anything from actually being built or repaired, because YOU'RE DOIN' IT WRONG YOU HORRIBLE LITTLE MAINTENANCE OBJECT.  Their radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.

MY people, on the other hand, are terminally-lazy, half-educated people that are good with their hands if you poke them with the stun wand a time or ten.  They have a deep-seated phobia of work and react to new knowledge and techniques with spastic horror.

Everybody sucks. 


you may need to invest in some essential equipment (nipple electrical shocker thing, a few dozen whips, black nylon rope, fuzzy handcuffs, a three foot long dildo that attaches to the table or wall, and duck tape.)

after you obtain these items, you can start using them effectively, :D before you know it you will be promoted to CEO. I garantee it.

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.


:3 interesting. :D well, as a goddess i am probably around 100 times your age. :D 4004. *nods.

HAH.  I am a Titan.  Like that Cronut guy. 


Therefore WAY older.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:27:52 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:21:13 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:20:20 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:18:07 PM
Quote from: Capeditiea on September 05, 2018, 09:16:59 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:14:13 PM

I feel as if I should point out that I have infested this planet for 50 years this October, and there is absolutely nothing you can shock me with when it comes to depravity.  If you were not around for the Reagan years, you cannot truly understand perversion and should find a different approach.  LMNO will back me up on this, he is almost as hideously old as I am, and would have fucked a mud puddle if it wiggled, back before he found Jesus.

Doktor Howl,
Old and vile and covered in fleas.

so, you're saying the other folk at the place you work is of a similar age? :O

*nods, this body was born during the Reagon Reign. :D

Yes.  We are all old and cranky, and hate young people.  Especially that bastard Kevin.


:3 interesting. :D well, as a goddess i am probably around 100 times your age. :D 4004. *nods.

HAH.  I am a Titan.  Like that Cronut guy. 


Therefore WAY older.

well... shit
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: hooplala on September 05, 2018, 10:36:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 09:09:53 PM
Quote from: LMNO on September 05, 2018, 08:56:34 PM
...and what's wrong with ABBA?

Nothing is wrong with Abba.  It was the absolute exemplar of the British music scene.

We now have an entire album of Cher performing ABBA covers. This age is perfection.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 06, 2018, 01:14:27 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 05, 2018, 08:55:13 PM
Also, Engineers do not rule the world.  Engineers function at the whim of the people who carve up the budget.
We figure that out a few years into our first job.  The arrogant ones (like your Ron) refuse to face it and become even more arrogant.  The smart ones get themselves a solid technical grounding, and then switch careers to budget carving.  The weaker ones, crushed between the caprices of the business development group and the ruthless Judgement of The Machine God, dissipate into the ether, or go into sales.  The rest succumb to the grind.  A few manage to have fun with it.

Quote
Engineers design things, given enough motivation (pain, humiliation, astonishingly small bonuses, and maybe a convention or two that they falsely assume is a chance at mating).
I design things because I find it vaguely amusing, and it keeps me off the streets.  Unfortunately, the things I design are often pretty stupid.  Ever spent two weeks of your life adding a feature nobody is ever going to use, just because that idiot in the systems department wrote it into the spec?

QuoteTheir radios only play David Mustaine, because they're edgy like that.
Never heard of him.

Quote
Everybody sucks.
No exceptions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2018, 01:19:29 AM
Trigger pulled.  Maintenance manager is now a tech III and I am filling the positions of director and manager until a replacement can be found.

Everyone assumed that it was business as usual and lined up to tell me what their schedule would be, and what they were willing to do.  At the same time.  Like I'm gonna be their dumpster.

"No.  Here is your new schedule.  Look at that bullshit; I realize that you are very angry about this, I just don't care.  I have a plan for any number of you quitting, and I will fire anyone involved in a work stoppage.  This is the new reality, because you didn't like the soft option, that smiling guy there that used to be your chronically-miserable boss.  So it's just us now, and I am the only friend you have in the whole world.  Isn't that the worst fucking thing you've ever heard?"

What's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on September 11, 2018, 07:09:57 AM
QuoteWhat's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing  :lulz:

You must not have said it correctly. Every time I've had to say that it's been very, very obvious that it is quite personal and Fuck You. I see the fun in your method, just a style and preference thing I guess.

How long did it take them to work out it was personal? If it's more than 10 minutes these people are beyond backward.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2018, 07:16:59 AM
Quote from: Junkenstein on September 11, 2018, 07:09:57 AM
QuoteWhat's funny is that when I told them in the beginning of the meeting that none of this was personal, they took that to be a good thing  :lulz:

You must not have said it correctly. Every time I've had to say that it's been very, very obvious that it is quite personal and Fuck You. I see the fun in your method, just a style and preference thing I guess.

How long did it take them to work out it was personal? If it's more than 10 minutes these people are beyond backward.

It's NOT personal, though.  That scared the jimjams out of Kevin.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on September 11, 2018, 07:18:21 AM
Oh.

Well then, make it personal. It's much more fun that way.

Even better, make it personal between them. "Lets you and him fight" is always good to kill some workday time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 12, 2018, 08:37:29 PM
Me:  "Do it this way."

Steve:  "No, we have done it this other way for years."

Me:  "And the place is not right.  It is in fact the opposite of right.  This place looks and feels like a Motel 6 in downtown Cleveland.  So we'll do it my way."

Steve:  "No, we..."

Me:  "Punch out, you can sell your case to HR whenever she stops scheming long enough to call you."

*Steve swears a lot, hurls toolbag down, leaves*

Kevin:  "Was that actually necessary?"

Me:  "Of course it was.  It's all better now."

Kevin:  "But now there's only me and Austin to do this job."

Me: "Oh, THAT isn't all better.  I wasn't talking about that.  I will send Joe over to help."

Kevin:  "Which part IS better?"

Me:  "The forces of Wrong have been defeated."

Kevin:  "..."

Me:  "..."

Kevin:  "Don't say it."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on September 12, 2018, 08:45:39 PM
I love that Kevin is starting to become self-aware.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 12, 2018, 08:47:30 PM
Quote from: LMNO on September 12, 2018, 08:45:39 PM
I love that Kevin is starting to become self-aware.

The process worked that way with Billy, although it bears mentioning that Billy was already sort of a bad person.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2018, 11:32:35 PM
It occurred to me today that the HR lady is on vacation.

Poor Steve.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 25, 2018, 11:17:42 PM
*standing over a pit with a broken pipe in it*

Kevin:  "Jesus Christ, what the hell IS that thing?"

Me:  "That is what Englishmen call a 'fatberg'.  It is all the suet and grease flushed down from the kitchen, escaping through the broken pipe.  Then it eats the caliche and makes an ever-enlarging hole in the ground which may someday grow up to be a gigantic sinkhole, as the fatberg travels down."

Kevin:  "You're having me on."

Me:  "Google it.  On your phone.  Right now."

Kevin:  *does so*  "Urk."

Me:  "Yes, urk.  This is what happens when the former maintenance manager doesn't call for the pumping truck because the grease trap is always miraculously empty, despite the restaurant discharging something like 1000 gallons a day through this drain alone.  This is why he is no longer the maintenance manager."

Kevin:  "But you demoted him before you found this."

Me:  "Things like this.  We had a maintenance manager, but the maintenance was not being managed."

Billy:  *walks up* "Hey, I jumped in the car as soon as I heard."  *looks in pit*  "Okay, that's awesome."

Kevin:  "You guys LIKE this kinda thing?"

Me:  "It is the future of the human race, only down in a hole."

Kevin:  "..."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Kevin.  You know what's NOT normal?"

Kevin:  "No.  No I do not.  And I don't want to."

Billy:  "No, this is great."

Kevin:  *sticks fingers in ears* "IF I DON'T LISTEN, YOU CAN'T HURT MY BRAIN. LALALALA"

Billy:  "You can't pump these things out.  They have to be mechanically-extracted.  By which I mean, 'with shovels and chainsaws'."

Kevin:  "Stop."

Billy:  *turns to me*  "So who drew the short straw?"

Me: "Well, I just fired all of the low-performers."

Kevin:  *looks worried*

Me:  "So I guess we'll have to get some contractors.  Why are you looking at me that way, Kevin?  You have some value, even if you aren't serious about having a good time.  I am hardly going to feed you to the fatberg.  Even if it is just a baby.  6 feet by 6 feet by 4 feet or so.  All a man truly needs, in the end."

Kevin:  "I live in hell.  I can't stand it.  I'm taking a half day."  *walks off*

Billy:  "Was I ever that fragile?"

Me:  "No.  You disappointed me in other ways."

(Note:  Pic of the top end of the fatberg to be posted tonight.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 26, 2018, 12:18:05 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 25, 2018, 11:17:42 PM
Kevin:  "You're having me on."

Me:  "Google it.  On your phone.  Right now."

Okay.

Quote from: wikipedia
A fatberg is a congealed lump in a sewer system formed by the combination of non-biodegradable solid matter
...
The resulting lumps of congealed material can be as strong as concrete, and require specialist equipment to remove.

Quote from: Museum of London
Handled incorrectly, even small amounts of fatberg can kill.
...
The fatberg samples can only be moved by trained personnel wearing full protective clothing.
...
Fatbergs are a material that's not well understood, chemically or biologically. We've had flies hatch out of the fatberg, and mould growth while it was drying out

Billy is right.  That is awesome.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2018, 12:58:26 AM
The very top of the fatberg.

(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42614826_2203406299939784_1176560240099852288_n.jpg?_nc_cat=111&_nc_eui2=AeG1NB-nWfA2Gcw2LDC2CEuggYGAqoFHLd60zkuG-jw_kgVgufj_hcWWu54EErNRRtxHrRXepwUSqlWZx3sSq7mYj0IEtKTrXvigLDHi5j0AAQ&oh=f3038d27765545fa9ec1571c2ecfbef1&oe=5C18839F)


(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/42686550_2203406279939786_1187695672959172608_n.jpg?_nc_cat=108&_nc_eui2=AeErzz61mIU-n654HfgCEWRkeq6k0lKud2Db2zmEUoRRgW0SyMaZPFpeQ_qGyD3Gkl_jnRssxv90Zt_7AsaIg-byrjY5FdJGqufi9NunrtulrQ&oh=299c26ebb5556d0f4de9a4c19682a5a3&oe=5C2B9E3B)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on September 26, 2018, 12:46:03 PM
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2018, 05:36:35 PM
Quote from: LMNO on September 26, 2018, 12:46:03 PM
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

This is more like an ochre jelly.  That's poisonous.  And might explode.

Conditions are different from the London sewers, and if you want, I can tell you how this could potentially kill us all.  By "us" I of course mean myself, my crew, and a pack of blue hairs.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 27, 2018, 01:59:13 AM
At our staff meeting:

Me  "...And so we need to spend a bit more than we anticipated, but we're still inside the worst-case margin.  Any questions or comments?"

Evil HR Lady:  "Your entire maintenance department has been in my office complaining about you."

Me:  "I'm aware.  They do not like this new 'work' thing.  But I have to ask, why reserve your confidentiality failures for a meeting on budget reforecasting?"

Evil HR Lady:  "You act like a tyrant."

Me:  "Obviously.  But couldn't you have chosen a more appropriate time to display your absolute lack of professionalism?"

Evil HR Lady:  *grabs notepad and lumbers out of the room*

Boss:  "Damn, dude, was that necessary?"

Me:  "Yes.  It was a moral imperative.  You just saw her rat out 7 employees for a cheap dig at me."

Boss's boss: "I concur.  I was going to say the same thing."

Me:  "Thank you."

Boss's boss:  "I still hate you."

Me:  "I'm comfortable with that."

Boss:  *looks panicked*

Me:  "All of these phenomena fall inside accepted parameters."

Boss:  "Did you just tell me 'this is all normal'?"

Me:  "Yes, but in Engineer."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on September 29, 2018, 01:09:53 AM
This whole thing is fucking FANTASTIC. 12/10, stuff like this was what I was talking about.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 30, 2018, 07:12:19 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2018, 05:36:35 PM
Quote from: LMNO on September 26, 2018, 12:46:03 PM
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

This is more like an ochre jelly.  That's poisonous.  And might explode.

Conditions are different from the London sewers, and if you want, I can tell you how this could potentially kill us all.  By "us" I of course mean myself, my crew, and a pack of blue hairs.

I'm interested.  I have a fascination with subterranean horrors.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 30, 2018, 08:25:30 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 30, 2018, 07:12:19 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2018, 05:36:35 PM
Quote from: LMNO on September 26, 2018, 12:46:03 PM
Don't try to fool me.  You captured a gelatinous cube.

This is more like an ochre jelly.  That's poisonous.  And might explode.

Conditions are different from the London sewers, and if you want, I can tell you how this could potentially kill us all.  By "us" I of course mean myself, my crew, and a pack of blue hairs.

I'm interested.  I have a fascination with subterranean horrors.

Well, the blob, when sufficient large, will begin to heat up in the center.  Just a few degrees, but that's all that is required.  The center of the blob will pull oxygen from the outside and start forming diesel-like hydrocarbons.  The outer layers, starved of oxygen, start growing anaerobes (tetanus, gangrene, various sulfur-reducing bugs, etc).  Water is, by osmosis, pulled from all sides and deposited directly beneath the fatberg.  Here that means it dissolves the caliche beneath it (which is added to the fatberg as white chunks of calcium and sodium), which means it sinks over time.  When it reaches bedrock, it stops moving and starts pressurizing.  Eventually, the center diesels and you get a pressurized scalding hot geyser of unkillable fatal prehistoric bacteria.  (The fatbergs of London don't have the same problem because they are in tunnels and have room on either end to expand.)

No matter where you go, if you peel back the vinyl, it's nothing but horror, madness, and death.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 01, 2018, 01:11:30 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 30, 2018, 08:25:30 PM
Well, the blob, when sufficient large, will begin to heat up in the center.  Just a few degrees, but that's all that is required.  The center of the blob will pull oxygen from the outside and start forming diesel-like hydrocarbons.  The outer layers, starved of oxygen, start growing anaerobes (tetanus, gangrene, various sulfur-reducing bugs, etc).  Water is, by osmosis, pulled from all sides and deposited directly beneath the fatberg.  Here that means it dissolves the caliche beneath it (which is added to the fatberg as white chunks of calcium and sodium), which means it sinks over time.  When it reaches bedrock, it stops moving and starts pressurizing.  Eventually, the center diesels and you get a pressurized scalding hot geyser of unkillable fatal prehistoric bacteria.  (The fatbergs of London don't have the same problem because they are in tunnels and have room on either end to expand.)

No matter where you go, if you peel back the vinyl, it's nothing but horror, madness, and death.
Part of me is wondering how hard it would be to intentionally grow one of these.  You know, FOR SCIENCE.

But the saner part recalls that plumbing (and garbage collection) are the basis of modern civilization, and that things like this should be reserved for post-apocalyptic fiction, and kept out of the waking world.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on October 01, 2018, 01:34:02 AM
I keep hoping a fatberg will eat Parliament one day
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2018, 03:54:09 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on October 01, 2018, 01:11:30 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 30, 2018, 08:25:30 PM
Well, the blob, when sufficient large, will begin to heat up in the center.  Just a few degrees, but that's all that is required.  The center of the blob will pull oxygen from the outside and start forming diesel-like hydrocarbons.  The outer layers, starved of oxygen, start growing anaerobes (tetanus, gangrene, various sulfur-reducing bugs, etc).  Water is, by osmosis, pulled from all sides and deposited directly beneath the fatberg.  Here that means it dissolves the caliche beneath it (which is added to the fatberg as white chunks of calcium and sodium), which means it sinks over time.  When it reaches bedrock, it stops moving and starts pressurizing.  Eventually, the center diesels and you get a pressurized scalding hot geyser of unkillable fatal prehistoric bacteria.  (The fatbergs of London don't have the same problem because they are in tunnels and have room on either end to expand.)

No matter where you go, if you peel back the vinyl, it's nothing but horror, madness, and death.
Part of me is wondering how hard it would be to intentionally grow one of these.  You know, FOR SCIENCE.

But the saner part recalls that plumbing (and garbage collection) are the basis of modern civilization, and that things like this should be reserved for post-apocalyptic fiction, and kept out of the waking world.

This is what I tell hippies when they run around screaming that we can grow food for 17 billion people, so "overpopulation isn't a thing."

They are in fact correct, we can grow that much food.  But we can only eliminate waste for 2 billion people, and we have 7.6 billion people and we add 200 net new people a minute.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2018, 03:54:40 AM
Quote from: Cain on October 01, 2018, 01:34:02 AM
I keep hoping a fatberg will eat Parliament one day

<insert Boris Johnson joke here>
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 03, 2018, 06:33:50 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 08, 2018, 12:13:04 AM
*watching Riverdance rehearsal at the theater*

*dancer falls off of stage*

Billy:  "Ouch."

Me:  "It's a great day to be alive, Billy."

I was re-reading this and this is still my favorite thing I've ever said.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 05, 2018, 07:34:49 PM
So I was asked today at the board coffee if I thought the recent bond measure sounded realistic (ie, expect 50+ basis points on AA bonds without any funny business.).

Me:  "In what universe?  This is madness."

Board president:  "That's a little extreme."

Me:  "No, this is drug-addled nonsense that makes 2006 look reasonable.  Has nobody noticed the massive bubble we're sitting on?  Yes, going to TOTALLY NOT JUNK BONDS, INC" is brilliant and has absolutely no downsides."

Finance Committee Chair:  "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT, YOU PUNK."

Me:  "Obviously not.  I can't see that the gap between GDP and wages is the largest it's ever been in history.  I can't see that AA bonds return 25 basis points and the broker is taking 50 basis points and we will somehow poop out 75 basis points without turning to dodgy bonds."

Crowd:  *murmer*

Board President:  "This IS actually stupid as hell."

Finance Committee Chair:  "I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THIS."

Me:  "Whether or not you have to take anything is outside of my job description, really.  AND I don't have to worry about this entire town looking to tar and feather me in 6 months."

Crowd:  *rumble rumble*

Me:  "I have to go now, I have a thing."

Board President:  "You can't leave right after saying that stuff."

Me:  "I have a thing behind the small restaurant.  You know, the thing I'm not supposed to talk about."

Crowd:  "ROBBLE ROBBLE ROBBLE*

Board President:  "You should be glad I'm quitting tomorrow, get out."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 07, 2018, 04:00:16 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl
Me:  "I have a thing behind the small restaurant.  You know, the thing I'm not supposed to talk about."

It took me a minute to catch on.  Then I formed a mental picture of a gaping pit in the ground, with a plywood sign in front of it, labelled "DANGER: FATBERG".
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 09, 2018, 03:56:47 AM
Things I said today:

1. "That's a lot of Goddamn gangrene."
2. "If you show me a data sheet, I will drink that [reclaim water]."
3. "We are not savages. I mean, at least *I'm* not."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 10, 2018, 08:30:51 PM
F&B Director:  "Wow, that's a nice screen you installed."

Me:  "Don't thank me, you paid for it."

F&B:  "Wait, what?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 11, 2018, 12:55:22 AM
(https://scontent-sjc3-1.xx.fbcdn.net/v/t1.0-9/43573214_2211327655814315_7595985671152467968_n.jpg?_nc_cat=106&oh=959327a91e549a101ea781418ea23883&oe=5C4E9567)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 11, 2018, 01:16:15 PM
"I'll get to that right away.  First thing.  Top priority."


Then continue doing what you're doing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 20, 2018, 05:28:49 AM
Quote from: LMNO on October 11, 2018, 01:16:15 PM
"I'll get to that right away.  First thing.  Top priority."


Then continue doing what you're doing.

This works surprisingly well.

Also, "I'll take that under advisement."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 09, 2018, 06:25:20 PM
New Board President (Has been on the board, but is now president):  "Why are you so over budget?"

Me:  "Because you told me when you guys hired me that you were sick of things not getting done.  I am doing the things, but the things cost money."

NBP:  "You still have to stay in budget, though."

Me:  "Nothing was done around here for years.  You wrote this year's budget based on nothing getting done.  Now things are getting done, and there is no money."

NBP:  "Can't you find a happy medium?"

Me:  "No.  I wrote you a realistic budget for next year and you carved it back down to potato.  Now you can choose whether you want clean carpets OR clean toilets OR clean water."

Newest board member:  "You guys are overstaffed anyway."

Me:  *gas face*

NBP (to newest board member):  "Shut up."

Newest board member:  "No, they have loads of guys, if we lay a few off, the rest will work harder."

Me:  "Up until the moment the competent ones leave for a more secure job.  Have you noticed that Tucson's unemployment rate is 2.6%?  Do you wish to clean the toilets yourself?  Because that's how you clean the toilets yourself."

NBP:  "JESUS, SHUT UP.  Hamish, what do you actually need to run your departments?"

Me:  "$1.7 million dollars."

NBP:  "Quit padding it."

Me:  "1.45 million dollars."

NBP:  "Fine, just go do maintenance shit or something."

New board member:  "JUST FIRE HIM."

NBP:  "Things are better when you don't talk.  The fact that you are sitting in this room is an indictment of democracy."

(I think I love New Board President.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on November 09, 2018, 06:41:39 PM
I love that you gave him the Gas Face.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 09, 2018, 06:42:26 PM
Quote from: LMNO on November 09, 2018, 06:41:39 PM
I love that you gave him the Gas Face.

Our charter makes no mention whatsoever of "non-verbal insubordination."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 11, 2018, 05:41:58 AM
GUESS WHO I MANAGED TO LURE BACK!

:hammer:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on December 11, 2018, 08:03:20 AM
Please say the ball mill,  please say the ball mill.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on December 11, 2018, 12:47:07 PM
Billy?





BILLY!





See, everything defaults to MAIN.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 11, 2018, 06:34:30 PM
Quote from: LMNO on December 11, 2018, 12:47:07 PM
Billy?





BILLY!





See, everything defaults to MAIN.

I knew he'd be back.  He starts on the 1st, though his first day on the job is the 2nd.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on December 11, 2018, 10:03:37 PM
I don't know if I should be excited or sorry for him.


I mean, I'm definitely excited for me
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 11, 2018, 10:53:34 PM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on December 11, 2018, 10:03:37 PM
I don't know if I should be excited or sorry for him.


I mean, I'm definitely excited for me

I offered him a bit more money, but the main thing is that he is bored stiff where he is.

I have the cure for that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 14, 2018, 06:39:23 PM
Me:  "So we removed everything that could add zinc to the water, and the alkalinity is still falling.  And it IS a flocculation effect...There is no source of zinc, but there is still zinc."

Kevin:  "Where the hell is it coming from?"

Me:  "Nowhere.  This is clearly the result of black magic."

Kevin:  "If it was black magic, it would affect the tap water as well as the pools, and only the pools are affected."

Me:  "It's highly *specific* black magic."

Kevin:  (lightbulb visibly goes on) 

Me:  "What?"

Kevin:  "Isn't suntan lotion based on zinc oxide and titanium oxide?"

Me:  "..."

Kevin:  "What?"

Me:  "You just got a paid day off and $50 at Barnes and Noble."

Kevin:  "That's more...generous than you normally are."

Me:  "You don't normally think, though."

Kevin:  "WTF?"

Me:  "I feel that sort of thing should be encouraged.  Also, this is gonna burn Billy's biscuits."

Kevin:  "How come I just got a paid day off and $50 and I still feel insulted?"

Me:  "It's the glory of the free market, Billy."

Kevin:  "KEVIN."

Me:  "Whatever."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on December 14, 2018, 06:41:43 PM
Brilliant.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 14, 2018, 06:42:42 PM
Quote from: LMNO on December 14, 2018, 06:41:43 PM
Brilliant.

I was impressed.  Kevin is every bit as smart as Billy, he just has never had to use that intelligence until now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 20, 2018, 02:02:18 AM
Billy: *points at my computer screen*  "What the FUCK is THAT?"

Me:  "Sulfur-reducing bacteria porn."

Billy:  "So while I've been gone, you've been making germ porn?"

Me:  "No, we did lots of things, but it's the end of the budget cycle and we need revenue."

Billy:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on December 20, 2018, 01:02:43 PM
He's Back!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 20, 2018, 05:34:44 PM
Quote from: LMNO on December 20, 2018, 01:02:43 PM
He's Back!

Not officially, at least until January 2nd, but yeah, he's back.  :banana:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on December 30, 2018, 05:24:03 AM
At the risk of sounding like a stupid fanboy, I love you, Howl.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 30, 2018, 06:28:19 AM
Quote from: Fujikoma on December 30, 2018, 05:24:03 AM
At the risk of sounding like a stupid fanboy, I love you, Howl.

No worries.  But don't be a fanboy.  We'll wind up having an argument that lasts 5 years.  I say this from experiential data.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 04:51:58 AM
Today at work:

Billy:  "So the board is all hot and bothered about the budget this year?"

Me:  "Yes.  Apparently, being a measly 13% over budget last year is a thing."

Billy:  "What's that in dollars?"

Me:  "Like $180,000.  Petty cash, really."

Billy:  "So what are we going to do?"

Me:  "Nothing.  We are going to save money."

Billy:  "But we have to do something about the anaerobes eating the pipes."

Me:  "We're going to save money at them."

Kevin:  "He's all butthurt about this."

Me:  "Can you blame me?  I have science blue balls.  Well, now we're going to save money until we attain catastrophic failure."

Kevin:  "We can still do SOME stuff."

Me:  "Yes.  We can save more money."

Billy:  "You're going to be unreasonable about this, aren't you?"

Me:  "Dumpsters cost less money if you don't ever have them emptied."

Kevin:  "Wait.  What?"

Billy:  "It's so good to be home."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 04:58:18 PM
In a meeting with a vendor this morning:

Vendor:  "So our product is going to be delayed for a short period of time, and..."

Me:  "So our payment to you is going to be delayed for 2 days per every day that you miss your delivery date."

Vendor:  "That's unreasonable.  We are experiencing normal holiday delays."

Me:  "You bid the job in October for a January 10th due date.  If the delays are normal, how was that not budgeted?"

Vendor:  "Look, this is normal practice."

Me:  "This is in fact all normal.  In any case, I have a thing, so Billy will listen to the rest of your bleating.  Billy, please read your sealed orders when he finally shuts up.""

Vendor:  "..."

Me:  *walks out of room*

*a half hour goes by, Billy walks into my office*

Me:  "How did it go?"

Billy:  "Not sure.  Your sealed orders said 'say you're going to the bathroom and then head to lunch.'  He's still in there."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."

Billy:  "Yep.  You up for Bhutanese?"

Me:  "I am always up for Bhutanese."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:06:55 PM
Always nice to see Billy learning.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 07:09:31 PM
Quote from: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:06:55 PM
Always nice to see Billy learning.

Billy has developed quite nicely.  His 9 months slaving away for <water management vendor> have knocked most of the remaining idealism out of him.

Now he and I can focus on the others.  Problem is, though, that Billy hates Kevin because he's a weasel and a snitch, and I gotta get him past that sort of concern for peoples' motives.  He also hates Nick, but I also hate Nick so it's not really a thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:12:57 PM
You're teaching him Consequentialism? 



Yikes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 07:30:33 PM
Quote from: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:12:57 PM
You're teaching him Consequentialism? 



Yikes.

What?  No.  I am teaching him that humans are garbage and you don't consider their "morality" under any standard.  They are like the wee beasties in the pipes.  They do bad because that's how they're made.  You just learn to work around them as a species.

Take Kevin, for example.  He's a snitch and basically a rotten person with televangelist morality imprinting, but he fixes HVAC equipment very well.  Since we don't care that he has any opinions at all, and his usefulness as a repair bot isn't connected to his insanely hypocritical beliefs, we can safely have him repair said HVAC equipment while telling him to SHUT THE FUCK UP about those "sluts" that offend him so badly.  Think of it more as "sanity-protecting utilitarianism".  He works and SHUTS UP, he gets a paycheck, we get functional HVAC equipment, and no actual morals have been abused.  He might even learn to be something other than a bucket of snot.  But really it's just important that he SHUTS UP and also knows that we despise him.

If I was a consequentalist, I would have his mouth sewn shut, because the results would easily justify the inherent violence of the proposition.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:39:57 PM
Ah.  Right.


I appreciate the explanation.  Makes sense.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 09:13:30 PM
Quote from: LMNO on January 08, 2019, 07:39:57 PM
Ah.  Right.


I appreciate the explanation.  Makes sense.


Yeah, consequentalism to me is more when you say "the end justifies the means", and yeah there is some of that around this.  But only to the level of "we *need* this work done and it's fucking impossible to find a less morally-repugnant HVAC tech when unemployment in Tucson is at 2.6%.  So I have to kinda hold my nose a bit.


In work related news:

https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/world/a-fatberg-made-of-grease-and-wet-wipes-found-in-english-sewer/ar-BBRY248?ocid=spartanntp
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 08, 2019, 09:17:19 PM
This whole "running a town" thing would be way better if there weren't any people at all.  :rogpipe:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 09, 2019, 12:02:21 AM
So I was thinking about this conversation and sort of suspecting that I was huffing my own farts, so I decided to ask the people who tend to have a clearer view of me than I do.  So I got home about 90 minutes ago and asked Jenn.

Me:  "So, looking at that, is that consequentialism?

Jenn:  "Yes.  Dressing up consequentalism in *more* consequentialism doesn't change what it is."

Me: "Oh."

Jenn:  "I hate to break it to you, but you and your friends aren't the good guys."

Me:  "Oh."

Jenn:  "Don't look so glum.  I married you specifically because you're a villain.  All humans must die."

Me:  "Woooooooo"

Jenn:  *leans in*  "Giddyap."

Apparently, being the villain gets you laid.  Hard.

*45 minutes later, calling Billy*

Me:  "Dude, Jenn says we're not the good guys."

Billy:  "No shit.  I work for Victor Frankenstein and he tells me we're not the good guys.  STOP THE PRESSES."

I can't think of a day where I've been happier, really.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 09, 2019, 12:36:56 PM
 :lulz:


:dream:


:peedee:


:himeobs:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 17, 2019, 12:24:33 AM
Year end financials festivities are in full swing.

Jeff:  "And so the interest off of our T-bonds came to..."

Me:  "That's not interest."

Jeff:  "You're not doing this."

Billy:  "I think he is."

Jeff:  *buries face in hands."

Me:  "T bills are purchased at a discount.  You buy them at 95% of face value, and they mature in a given period - in this case, 6 months - then they are worth face value and they stop gaining in value."

Jeff:  "That's interest."

Me:  "No, that's capital gains.  Different values entirely, different structure."

Jeff:  "But it is listed as interest for the last 10 years of our records."

Me:  "But that was when we were owned by <corporation>.  This is our first year of reporting and maybe we should do it right.  I mean, this is the *only* thing we are taxed on, right?  So when we change it and pay the small amount extra, and the IRS says what about the previous 10 years - and that's about $750K, they will notice - we just smile and point at <corporation> and look angelic."

Jeff:  "But now I have to recalculate our taxable earnings."

Billy:  "No, you don't."

Jeff:  "But you guys just said..."

Me:  "What Billy is trying to say is that we already did it.  Last night.  Until 3 AM."  *hands over flash drive*  "Look grateful."

Jeff:  "..."

Billy:  "He should levitate or something when he does that shit, right?  Some kind of visible sign of his corruption by the dark arts."

Me:  "This is all..."

My Boss:  "Don't say it.  You will not say this is all normal in this Goddamn conference room."

Me:  "These events are statistically consistent."

My Boss:  "Get out.  Go do money shit or something."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 17, 2019, 12:50:36 AM
I love you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 17, 2019, 12:56:21 AM
Quote from: LMNO on January 17, 2019, 12:50:36 AM
I love you.

I hear "go do money shit" more and more every month.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 17, 2019, 01:06:46 PM
(https://media1.tenor.com/images/0852c5ab704e2bf4e00ffd987ce276f5/tenor.gif?itemid=10267239)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 18, 2019, 12:26:34 AM
More year end hijinks

Me:  "Annnnnd the financials are done."

Jeff:  "NOPE."

Me: "What?"

Jeff:  "You got ahead of me, and you have to eat another $25K in labor and $4K in accrued vacation."

Me:  "How do these bastards even get vacation?"

Jeff:  "You don't think people should get vacation?"

Me:  "Sure, but some other time."

Billy:  "He and I worked 17 hour days for days on end and he offered to feed me dead rats when I complained."

Me:  "So I gotta eat $29K MORE?"

Jeff:  "Yep.  This is all normal."  *walks out of room*

Me:  *slumps down on chair*

Billy:  "What do you know?  Even the Doktor can get stuck in the clockwork like everyone else."

Me:  "I am defeated.  My budget is garbage and the coffee is shit and the drugs do nothing."

Billy:  "Cheer up.  We still have the weekend to redo everything we spent the last 17 days doing."

Me:  "You're turning into me, you know."

Billy:  *stares at me for 2 seconds too long* 

Me:  "Don't you fucking say it."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Dok."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on January 18, 2019, 11:36:17 AM
:spittake:

You've created a monster!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 18, 2019, 04:04:49 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on January 18, 2019, 11:36:17 AM
:spittake:

You've created a monster!

Are you suggesting I'm responsible for this?  :crankey:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 18, 2019, 09:29:43 PM
 :lulz: :magick:  :lulz:

Your power to inspire is awesome. 'This is all normal' is now my favorite home brewed meme!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 18, 2019, 11:03:16 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 18, 2019, 04:04:49 PM
Are you suggesting I'm responsible for this?  :crankey:

You should be proud.  It is in the nature of a true villain to corrupt the youth, and sow the seeds of destruction for future generations.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2019, 03:52:18 AM
Me:  "They called me MAD."

Billy:  "..."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 31, 2019, 09:24:02 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2019, 03:52:18 AM
Me:  "They called me MAD."

Billy:  "..."

Can we have context, or would it spoil the party?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2019, 03:46:28 PM
Quote from: nullified on January 31, 2019, 09:24:02 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2019, 03:52:18 AM
Me:  "They called me MAD."

Billy:  "..."

Can we have context, or would it spoil the party?

It would spoil it.  It was the only funny bit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 06, 2019, 01:28:55 AM
At work today:

Me:  "Vinnie, you are as of 10 minutes ago not a janitor."

Vinnie:  "What, are you firing me?"

Me:  "Optimist.  You're the new database admin."

Vinnie:  "I don't know anything about databases."

Me:  "That's the beauty of it.  I don't have to un-train you.  You just learn to do it right the first time."

Me:  *Gestures at Billy*  "You have met the human-shaped mass of corruption that is Billy?"

Billy: "What's up?"

Vinnie:  *stares*

Me:  "Don't look so beat up.  Your salary just doubled."

Vinnie:  "It did?"

Me:  "On the downside, you report to Billy now, though I'll be the one training you, and the IT guy will track your progress."

Vinnie:  "I have three bosses now?"

Me:  "No, you have four bosses now.  Jeff also needs updates on the financial side. "

Billy:  "Welcome to the deep end, kid.  It's full of poop."

Me:  "Don't listen to Billy, he's a pessimist."

Vinnie:  "But you said I report to Billy."

Me:  "Billy reports to me and he never listens to a fucking word I say."

Billy:  "True, true."

Vinnie:  "Do I get a choice in all of this?"

Billy & Me:  *laughs*

Billy:  "We have a saying about choices."

Vinnie:  "...."

Me:  "This is all normal, Vinnie."

Vinnie:  "It is?"

Billy:  Welcome aboard, kid."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 07, 2019, 12:37:55 AM
A janitor promoted to database admin...?

Well, I suppose both jobs technically involve cleaning up other people's messes, and if he is self-aware enough to say he doesn't know anything about databases, he's already better than 80% of the IT people out there.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 07, 2019, 01:25:24 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on February 07, 2019, 12:37:55 AM
A janitor promoted to database admin...?

Well, I suppose both jobs technically involve cleaning up other people's messes, and if he is self-aware enough to say he doesn't know anything about databases, he's already better than 80% of the IT people out there.

I believe that you should promote people who show initiative. 

Either they will exceed your wildest expectations, or they will explode violently in the breakdown lane.  I win either way.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 07, 2019, 01:06:22 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 07, 2019, 01:25:24 AM
I believe that you should promote people who show initiative. 

Either they will exceed your wildest expectations, or they will explode violently in the breakdown lane.  I win either way.

That management strategy sounds like something from the evil overlord list (http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html).  I'm starting to get this image of you leaving behind a trail of crushed dreams and nascent supervillains everywhere you go.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 07, 2019, 04:39:48 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on February 07, 2019, 01:06:22 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 07, 2019, 01:25:24 AM
I believe that you should promote people who show initiative. 

Either they will exceed your wildest expectations, or they will explode violently in the breakdown lane.  I win either way.

That management strategy sounds like something from the evil overlord list (http://www.eviloverlord.com/lists/overlord.html).  I'm starting to get this image of you leaving behind a trail of crushed dreams and nascent supervillains everywhere you go.

YASSS
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on February 11, 2019, 09:11:25 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on February 07, 2019, 12:37:55 AM
...and if he is self-aware enough to say he doesn't know anything about databases, he's already better than 80% of the IT people out there.

QFT
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on February 11, 2019, 11:27:36 AM
There is always more to learn about a database in this tutorial we will delve down into

1) Query structure
2) How to normalise tables
3) How does an index work
4) How an index ACTUALLY works
5) Execution plans, and caching (why repeating the same thing over and over again is not a sign of madness but a mistrust of a world built on shifting sands)
6) How Azethoth is at the heart of any SQL installation, and his role in making it work
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on February 11, 2019, 12:01:33 PM
I know just enough about databases to avoid them if I can by any means manage it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 14, 2019, 01:46:13 AM
Today at work:

Billy:  "You got rear-ended twice today?"

Me:  "Yep.  Both times by an engineer in a Nissan.  Once in my car, once in a work truck."

Vinnie:  "God's out to get you, dude."

Me:  "God needs more gun."

Vinnie:  "..."

Me:  "What?  If he was serious, he'd send someone in an F150."

Billy:  "So God is just yanking your chain?"

Me:  "God is out to get *anyone* that figures out how derivatives work.  It's like learning Enochian.  You know too much, you gotta go."

Vinnie:  "So why Nissans and not the F150?"

Me:  "There's loads of people ahead of me in line, dude.  I'm a small fish.  I know a guy in Boston, God's been after his ass for YEARS."

Vinnie:  "Yeah, so why's he still alive?"

Me:  "You ever try to drive an F150 in Boston?  Can't be done."

Billy:  "That bad?"

Me:  "Yeah, God's stuck in bumper to bumper South of the common, this dude is getting weird all over people in the subway.  I could tell you stories.'

Billy:  "Okay, let's hear it."

Me:  "Nope.  For all I know, he owns an F150."

Vinnie:  "So this is what we do all day?  Talk smack about God?"

Me:  "Nope.  That is for lofty management types such as Billy and me.  You get crunching numbers.  That reserve study ain't gonna write itself."

Vinnie:  "But I don't know how to..."

Billy:  "Hush, dude, it's management time."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on February 14, 2019, 12:59:29 PM
(https://media1.giphy.com/media/CSd7DUTmWBnlm/giphy.gif?cid=4bf119fc5c6565e0705234554199b1f9)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: disco accordion on February 15, 2019, 03:54:30 AM
The Billy Chronicles would make a great cartoon or something!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2019, 04:03:32 AM
Quote from: disco accordion on February 15, 2019, 03:54:30 AM
The Billy Chronicles would make a great cartoon or something!

Comic writers all starve to death, so no.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: disco accordion on February 15, 2019, 04:20:59 AM
I meant animation. I call animation cartoons. However, It would make a cool comic book too since you mention it!
Even a puppet show if it was done right. Funny stuff!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 20, 2019, 04:28:15 AM
Today at work:

Me:  "...And so we can do it in house for $6580, or we can outsource it for $15000."

Vinnie:  "How is this even a question?"

Me:  "Well, that would depend on whose money we're spending."

Vinnie:  "You're more crooked than me."

Me:  "Well, yes,  You are young and do not have the deep-seated degeneracy that I have acquired through years of experience.  Anyway, the approach here is, you set it up as a capital project, say $15K, everyone freaks, you say you know a guy who knows a guy.  Then you say you can do it for maybe $10K, but you're going to need additional funds.  Half way through the project, you say your guys had a brilliant idea, it's going to cost $6580, and you're going to be under budget."

Vinnie:  "How do we benefit from that?"

Me:  "Because nobody asks for the $3420 back, and we stick it on the GL account for tools with what's left on there, and we go buy that sick ass new bore scope the HVAC guys have been drooling over for $5000."

Vinnie:  "Okay, but..."

Me:  "I'm not done yet."

Billy:  "You're gonna love this dude, he's getting religious."

Me:  "Then, because the tool costs $5000, at the end of the quarter, we back it into capitol, then we put the $5000 on the *equipment* line item with what's left on *that*, and we go buy an HVAC unit for the shop, which we need.  And THAT..."

Vinnie:  "THAT costs $5000, so we back IT into capital..."

Me:  "You see where this is going?"

Vinnie:  "Jail?"

Me:  "NOPE.  Totally legal.  I checked with the accounting guy AND the lawyer."

Billy:  "I smell malice."

Me:  "Your instincts are good.  I mean, all of this money has to come from *somewhere*..."

Vinnie:  "I was just gonna ask about that."

Me:  "We get first crack at capitol, so I'm going to steal <other division>'s money."

Vinnie:  "Won't they mind."

Me:  "Dude.  That's why we're doing this.  We don't even NEED a bore scope, you can rent one for $40/day.  What we NEED is to pick <other division>'s pockets while they stand there and WATCH US."

Vinnie:  "..."

Billy:  "I told you this was religious."

Me:  "This is all normal kids.  Welcome to The Corporation."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on February 21, 2019, 11:48:06 PM
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2019, 02:09:55 AM
Quote from: Don Coyote on February 21, 2019, 11:48:06 PM
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.

Imagine how *I* feel.

I'm the victim, here.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Don Coyote on February 22, 2019, 02:15:30 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2019, 02:09:55 AM
Quote from: Don Coyote on February 21, 2019, 11:48:06 PM
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.

Imagine how *I* feel.

I'm the victim, here.

Not to kink shame

BUT

I'm kink shaming you
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2019, 02:35:46 AM
Quote from: Don Coyote on February 22, 2019, 02:15:30 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2019, 02:09:55 AM
Quote from: Don Coyote on February 21, 2019, 11:48:06 PM
I'm all kinds of fucked up over that. I feel greezy reading it.

Imagine how *I* feel.

I'm the victim, here.

Not to kink shame

BUT

I'm kink shaming you

Not only am I kinkshaming you, I'm calling Olivia Benson.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 08, 2019, 05:38:51 PM
Today at work:

F&B Director:  "So I need you to add an outlet here and here."

Kevin:  "How many amps do you need?"

F&B:  "I just need two outlets."

Kevin:  "I still need to know how many amps, to size the wires."

F&B:  "Use the small wire, it's cheaper."

Kevin:  "...."

Me:  "Show me the equipment you want to plug in."

F&B:  "It's that stuff over there."

Me:  *looks*  "This is a total of 29 amps.  The current equipment is 28 amps.  You have a grand total of 30 amps available, so I cannot add 29 amps if those other plugs are still being used."

F&B:  "It won't all be on at the same time."

Me:  "Doesn't matter.  The NEC, OSHA, and the Fire Inspector don't care if it IS on, but whether or not it CAN be on."

F&B:  "I just need two more outlets."

Me:  "No."

F&B:  "Why not?"

Me:  "Because physics says so.  Also because we do not break the electrical code around here."

F&B:  "I'll go to the board."

Me:  "You go right ahead."

F&B:  *storms off*

Kevin:  "What the hell is that guy's problem?"

Me:  "His problem is that he still doesn't realize that <lady who is president of board> is an electrical engineer."

Kevin:  "We can make the circuit larger.  Gonna have to pull some wire."

Me:  "Okay, how long and how much?"

Kevin:  "A day, and maybe $250 with the bigger breaker and the wire and whatnot."

Me:  "Right, so a week and $1000."

Kevin:  "Um."

Me:  "Kevin, you are really going to have to learn at some point while getting the job done is a religion around here now, fucking the other departments out of their budget is definitely core doctrine."

Kevin:  "How do you sleep at night?"

Me:  "Like a baby.  Like a big fat horribly corrupt baby.  Now go order some wire."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on March 08, 2019, 06:01:01 PM
 :lulz: :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 09, 2019, 04:11:04 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 08, 2019, 05:38:51 PM
F&B:  "It won't all be on at the same time."

This is like a government saying "we know the provisions in this new law may seem excessively broad, but we promise to only use these powers against the bad guys."  You can trust the current government, of course. :|  But what if the other team wins the next election?

Measure the draw a month after you upgrade the wire and install the new outlets, and I'll bet even odds they're pushing it past 30A.  Five-to-one that within a year they've plugged in something other than what F&B pointed out, and his guarantee has become even more meaningless.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 14, 2019, 12:19:04 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on March 09, 2019, 04:11:04 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 08, 2019, 05:38:51 PM
F&B:  "It won't all be on at the same time."

This is like a government saying "we know the provisions in this new law may seem excessively broad, but we promise to only use these powers against the bad guys."  You can trust the current government, of course. :|  But what if the other team wins the next election?

Measure the draw a month after you upgrade the wire and install the new outlets, and I'll bet even odds they're pushing it past 30A.  Five-to-one that within a year they've plugged in something other than what F&B pointed out, and his guarantee has become even more meaningless.

Right now, if they plug in 29 amps, the entire distribution network fails all the way back to the 13.8K buses.  Not even kidding.

I am pulling another 100 amps in from another source, but I am doing it painfully slowly because I am feeling like a vindictive asshat right now.  It will be done in time, but just.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 02:53:43 AM
Me:  Fired.
Billy:  Fired.
Boss:  Fired.
Kevin:  Fired.
Austin:  Fired.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on March 19, 2019, 02:55:39 AM
What the hell happened? Another pig detonation?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 03:38:10 AM
Quote from: nullified on March 19, 2019, 02:55:39 AM
What the hell happened? Another pig detonation?

A difference in opinion over what constitutes financial malfeasance.  We were asked to do something improper, we reported it, we were all shit-canned.

I expect this to lead to hilarity.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on March 19, 2019, 03:47:10 AM
Oh boy. And I remember, it seems so recent, they were concerned about you selling back unused supplies at a profit.

I get the impression you can't say much, but I cannot help but assume that the fun this will result in is the kind that ends, much like a water hammer in a sewage treatment plant, with a loud bang and a slowly rising mass of steaming, toxic muck.

(Yeah, I've been rereading the thread.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 19, 2019, 04:40:17 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 03:38:10 AM
A difference in opinion over what constitutes financial malfeasance.  We were asked to do something improper, we reported it, we were all shit-canned.

I expect this to lead to hilarity.
That is the way with attempted cover-ups.  Every action taken just adds to the body of evidence.  Firing whistle-blowers en masse is right up there with setting fire to the police station to obliterate the record of your traffic ticket.

So, are you going to take a second look at that "worst-job-in-the-world" offer from a week or so ago?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 02:26:03 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on March 19, 2019, 04:40:17 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 03:38:10 AM
A difference in opinion over what constitutes financial malfeasance.  We were asked to do something improper, we reported it, we were all shit-canned.

I expect this to lead to hilarity.
That is the way with attempted cover-ups.  Every action taken just adds to the body of evidence.  Firing whistle-blowers en masse is right up there with setting fire to the police station to obliterate the record of your traffic ticket.

So, are you going to take a second look at that "worst-job-in-the-world" offer from a week or so ago?

I was waiting for my 2nd interview when this happened.  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2019, 02:28:19 PM
Quote from: nullified on March 19, 2019, 03:47:10 AM
Oh boy. And I remember, it seems so recent, they were concerned about you selling back unused supplies at a profit.

I get the impression you can't say much, but I cannot help but assume that the fun this will result in is the kind that ends, much like a water hammer in a sewage treatment plant, with a loud bang and a slowly rising mass of steaming, toxic muck.

(Yeah, I've been rereading the thread.)

I knew something was in the wind, so I had been opening 1.5 projects for every one I closed since last December.  Now there's a fair stack of current projects going that all require attention.  I hadn't seen a need to brief anyone.  I am sure things will be fine.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 19, 2019, 04:36:27 PM
That's mean.





(https://media0.giphy.com/media/l0IylyD2fD515YRS8/source.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:20:25 AM
So, the dickhead that fired us just called me 10 minutes ago and asked where he can find the projections on <project>.

:lulz:

"I'll send you a rate card."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on March 21, 2019, 03:26:23 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:20:25 AM
So, the dickhead that fired us just called me 10 minutes ago and asked where he can find the projections on <project>.

:lulz:

"I'll send you a rate card."

What a fuckin chode
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:55:23 AM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on March 21, 2019, 03:26:23 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:20:25 AM
So, the dickhead that fired us just called me 10 minutes ago and asked where he can find the projections on <project>.

:lulz:

"I'll send you a rate card."

What a fuckin chode

My rates are very reasonable.  $600/hour, minimum 4 hours.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 21, 2019, 04:04:10 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:55:23 AM
My rates are very reasonable.  $600/hour, minimum 4 hours.
"Plus mileage and expenses."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 04:27:04 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on March 21, 2019, 04:04:10 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 03:55:23 AM
My rates are very reasonable.  $600/hour, minimum 4 hours.
"Plus mileage and expenses."

Obviously.  This is now a contract gig, if it's any sort of gig at all.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 21, 2019, 12:05:05 PM
It's amazing how people fail to recognize "what are you gonna do, fire me?" is an actual thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 21, 2019, 12:25:59 PM
Quote from: LMNO on March 21, 2019, 12:05:05 PM
It's amazing how people fail to recognize "what are you gonna do, fire me?" is an actual thing.

It's worth mentioning that boss's boss was a man who demonstrated the Peter Principle perfectly.  He really had no clue what he was doing.  He was out half the time, and when he was in, he was surfing the internet, looking at things that pertained to his OLD job...One, say, a step below mine, but at a larger facility.

So he really didn't know what to do, and when he guessed, he was wrong.  Under the stress of the new board leaning on him (the old one just went around him) and a couple of toadies blowing smoke, he finally made an improper decision, rather than a merely incorrect decision.  At this point, my boss had to choose between propping him up, or following the law.  Things got out of hand rather quickly at that point.

I was woken up early by a text message this morning.  Half of the remaining crew quit.  This leaves the boss's boss with 6 people to run 7 day and 7 night shifts.

Life is hard.  It's harder when you refuse to grab the bull by the tail and look the facts in the face.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstien on March 27, 2019, 07:40:27 PM
On a scale of 1 to criminal, how improper was that decision? Sounds juicy.

Also, drop the rate to reasonable but shove in fees for fucking everything under the sun. $2/step needed to be taken. As in walking step, not any kind of procedural step. $1/word spoken. Any needed goods/services are provided under a 100% markup.

I'm still dealing with constant idiocy. Today, I had to explain why a replacement motor, that is half the size and less than half the power of the previous one is not useful. And makes things like "Safe lifting weights" irrelevant because that was worked out and tested on the old motor. That was larger.

The new one will apparently get better with time. I agreed. As we all know, every machine everywhere just gets better with age. It's why people buy old second hand cars. The reliability and efficiency and all that. When I told them this they were unwilling to accept my conclusions. Someone's 75-80% likely to get hurt with this in the next few days and I'm going to laugh, not fix it and gleefully have a few long meetings with the HSE over it.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2019, 08:21:33 PM
Quote from: Junkenstien on March 27, 2019, 07:40:27 PM
On a scale of 1 to criminal, how improper was that decision? Sounds juicy.

Basically it's worth 5-10 in the slammer.

Also, my boss is suing them.

QuoteAlso, drop the rate to reasonable but shove in fees for fucking everything under the sun. $2/step needed to be taken. As in walking step, not any kind of procedural step. $1/word spoken. Any needed goods/services are provided under a 100% markup.

I'm still dealing with constant idiocy. Today, I had to explain why a replacement motor, that is half the size and less than half the power of the previous one is not useful. And makes things like "Safe lifting weights" irrelevant because that was worked out and tested on the old motor. That was larger.

The new one will apparently get better with time. I agreed. As we all know, every machine everywhere just gets better with age. It's why people buy old second hand cars. The reliability and efficiency and all that. When I told them this they were unwilling to accept my conclusions. Someone's 75-80% likely to get hurt with this in the next few days and I'm going to laugh, not fix it and gleefully have a few long meetings with the HSE over it.

Machines heal if you let them.  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on March 27, 2019, 10:11:26 PM

One doesn't need to be an engineer to know that ANY mechanical device ages like fine wine  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 27, 2019, 10:56:16 PM
Quote from: Junkenstien on March 27, 2019, 07:40:27 PM
The new one will apparently get better with time. I agreed. As we all know, every machine everywhere just gets better with age. It's why people buy old second hand cars.

You can speed this maturation by having one of your minions apply a common industrial coolant (DHMO) to the motor in question.  Natrium chloride will further accelerate the process.  However, this is only effective on certain metallic components.  If there are non-rigid parts you wish to season, you may want to consider the use of "mus musculus."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on March 28, 2019, 07:58:28 PM
OMG, one doesn't simply fire the resident supervillain, it's like they've never read a comic book in their life.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 10, 2019, 10:35:08 PM
Interviewer:  "And the other thing we need to do is increase the capability of our maintenance teams.  We're thinking of about 5 more technicians.  You know people?"

Me:  "Oh, yes, I know people."

IT BEGINS AGAIN, LIKE A PHOENIX RISING FROM ITS OWN POOP.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 10, 2019, 10:44:19 PM
I cannot wait for day one. This is for me what sitcoms are for those other people.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on April 11, 2019, 01:26:27 AM
Same.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on April 11, 2019, 10:24:37 AM
OMFG YUS.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Zenpatista on April 14, 2019, 07:24:29 PM
I'm a little concerned about the extent of my excitement for your career. I look forward to your autobiography. It's more exciting than the backhanded compliments and comments where I work.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2019, 08:23:55 PM
Quote from: Zenpatista on April 14, 2019, 07:24:29 PM
I'm a little concerned about the extent of my excitement for your career. I look forward to your autobiography. It's more exciting than the backhanded compliments and comments where I work.

You just need to be more horrible.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 14, 2019, 10:06:58 PM
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 14, 2019, 11:53:44 PM
Arms manufacturing is a tough one for me. I love the engineering of firearms, they're like little puzzle boxes, everything shaped and fit together just right. Then there's the materials component, the ergonomics, weight considerations (for transport and for recoil), tuning of cycle rate, a billion tiny variables, it appeals to the little puzzle solving monkey in me in a deep, deep way.

If you're talking about big boy toys, missiles are interesting to me from a propellant chemistry standpoint, and artillery is just really really big guns.

And yet my moral and ethical side won't let me get involved with something I'd find deeply personally rewarding and lucrative to boot. Not a fan of arming pigs, mass shooters or imperialist bastards. Not criticizing, we all need to eat, it just brought this particular conundrum to the front of my mind.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2019, 01:21:52 AM
Quote from: nullified on June 14, 2019, 11:53:44 PM
Arms manufacturing is a tough one for me. I love the engineering of firearms, they're like little puzzle boxes, everything shaped and fit together just right. Then there's the materials component, the ergonomics, weight considerations (for transport and for recoil), tuning of cycle rate, a billion tiny variables, it appeals to the little puzzle solving monkey in me in a deep, deep way.

If you're talking about big boy toys, missiles are interesting to me from a propellant chemistry standpoint, and artillery is just really really big guns.

And yet my moral and ethical side won't let me get involved with something I'd find deeply personally rewarding and lucrative to boot. Not a fan of arming pigs, mass shooters or imperialist bastards. Not criticizing, we all need to eat, it just brought this particular conundrum to the front of my mind.

If it shovels primates off the planet, I'm really okay with it right now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2019, 06:40:13 AM
I was born to be a James Bond villain, really.  I just can't seem to make it happen.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on June 16, 2019, 01:17:35 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 14, 2019, 10:06:58 PM
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 16, 2019, 03:02:02 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on June 16, 2019, 01:17:35 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 14, 2019, 10:06:58 PM
The Freak Crew rides again.

I have managed to lower the bar for morality yet again in the job I just accepted today.  Facilities maintenance for a company that builds weapons or something like that.  Needs staffing up, so I am looking to hire Billy, Angry Ed from the refinery days, and a couple of HVAC geeks.

Me:  "So, are you in?"

Billy:  "Fuck yes, I'm in.  When you said it was a morally-bankrupt job, I thought you meant it was connected to health insurance or some shit.  I can do arms manufacturing and not lose a wink of sleep."

For some reason, when reading this, an old expression came to mind: "It is better to be the right hand of the devil than in his path."

I'm not really a people person.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 25, 2019, 12:13:11 AM
First day on the job.

Dave the R&D Geek:  "So you're the new hotshots.  You think you're weird enough for this gig?"

Me:  *Suggests the 103rd use for ballistics gel*

Billy:  *Suggests the 104rth use*

Dave Geek:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, David."

Dave:  "Okay, you're gonna work out fine."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 25, 2019, 04:33:54 AM
This bodes wonderfully.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 26, 2019, 12:23:16 AM
Today at work:

English Paul:  "I told you it wasn't the thermocouple, I changed it and the problem is even worse."

Me:  "Did you say 'thermocouple'?  Because that wasn't a thermocouple, I distinctly remember pointing out that it was an RTD."

English Paul:  "They're the same thing."

Me:  "No, they are not.  For one thing, the wire is way to big for a thermocouple, so you are always going to read high."

English Paul:  "But..."

Me:  "And for another thing, they have a different number of wires.  How did you get three wires onto a two wire terminal?"

English Paul:  "I cut off the extra wire."

Me:  "Paul, I have to ask you, what did you do before this?"

English Paul:  "I was a technician."

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  *mumble*

Me:  "Where?"

English Paul:  "Jiffy Lube."

Me:  "I must admit, I admire your ability to bullshit your way into three times your previous pay."

English Paul:  "I'll just collect my things, shall I?"

Me:  "What?  No.  Bullshitting is a precious skill.  You won't be handling any more wiring, though."

Billy (walking in):  "What's up?"

Me:  "Paul here is going to write our 2020 business plan."

Billy:  "Oh, you sorry bastard."

English Paul:  "Wait what"

Me:  "Just do what you do best.  I shall give you topics, and you shall write great whacking lies, same as you did on your resume."

Billy:  "Welcome to the Old Firm, Paul."

English Paul:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 27, 2019, 02:19:05 AM
Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.

*returning to our department*

Me:  "That was fucking weird."

Billy:  "Helpful folks."

Me:  "It's fucking eldritch.  I feel as if the dramatic music is playing, or some shit."

Billy:  "I'm okay until I see tentacles."

Me:  "Then it's too late."

Billy:  "It's already too late.  We're in Tucson."

Me:  "You're turning into me, you know."

Billy:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on June 28, 2019, 10:28:20 AM
:spittake:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstien on June 28, 2019, 06:17:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 27, 2019, 02:19:05 AM
Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.



FOUL WARLOCKS.

Something is rotten as fuck in that dept, I'd guarantee it. Anyone who gets you away and happy quickly is up to shady shit on the QT.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 28, 2019, 11:45:04 PM
Quote from: Junkenstien on June 28, 2019, 06:17:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 27, 2019, 02:19:05 AM
Today, at work, I asked the tooling people to make a widget.  They said sure, and spun it out in less than an hour.



FOUL WARLOCKS.

Something is rotten as fuck in that dept, I'd guarantee it. Anyone who gets you away and happy quickly is up to shady shit on the QT.

They're shady right out in the open.  They have a "government project" from on high to make a modern-metallurgy Sharps rifle when they're not doing official stuff.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 28, 2019, 11:52:59 PM
Steven the Baby Engineer:  "Hey, Dok, do you know what happens when you jacket Isobutane in Vinylidene Chloride and atomize it?"

Me:  "No, but it sounds tasty."

SBE:  "When it ignites it melts the test chamber."

Me:  "You melted a gun safe?"

SBE:  "Yes, and now the slag is poisonous as hell."

Me:  "This is fascinating, but why are you telling me?"

SBE:  "The EPA will be kinda choosy about how we get rid of this."

Me:  "What's this 'we' shit, Kimosabe?  You got a mouse in your pocket?"

SBE:  "I could just chuck it in the scrap metal dumpster."

Me:  "What did Dan at the scrap yard ever do to you?  His kidneys will fall out of his asshole."

SBE:  "I am just a wide-eyed and naive engineer with the ink still wet on his degree."

Me: "You son of a bitch."

SBE:  "You're gonna love it here."

Me:  "Yeah?  Well...Yeah."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 01:00:08 AM
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on July 03, 2019, 04:51:24 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 01:00:08 AM
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 05:19:52 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on July 03, 2019, 04:51:24 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 01:00:08 AM
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on July 03, 2019, 09:17:20 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 05:19:52 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on July 03, 2019, 04:51:24 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 01:00:08 AM
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.

How old are these two?

Would they even know who Moe, Larry and Curly were?

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 04, 2019, 12:46:51 AM
Quote from: Emo Howard on July 03, 2019, 09:17:20 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 05:19:52 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on July 03, 2019, 04:51:24 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 03, 2019, 01:00:08 AM
Billy has no eyebrows, Steve shat himself, my two lowest-right ribs are broken, and I need to replace the shed on site 4.

Just another day in Side Effect City.

I guess you weren't kidding when you said it was the worst job in the world.  I'm glad you didn't get killed.

...I hope you at least got some useful experimental data?

Not really.  Aside from "It is important to teach Billy not to ignite aluminum."

Most of the injury stuff happened when all 3 of us tried to squeeze through a regular sized door all at once.  Heroes, one and all.

Steve is very small, though, and I think he shat himself when we stepped on him in the scrum...But he's no wimp, and has not blamed us.  I am in fact blaming Billy, though, because my fucking ribs HURT.

How old are these two?

Would they even know who Moe, Larry and Curly were?

They are zygotes, which means I get to steal a lot of good jokes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 12, 2019, 12:17:33 AM
Today at work:

All of us were frozen with fear, as the pissed off tarantula hawk flew around the carbon room.  Then the little bastard flew into the altitude chamber.  Billy slammed the guard down, and I sent the evil little bastard 6 miles up, atmosphere-wise.

Goodbye flying sadist.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 12, 2019, 12:49:48 AM
You need me around there. I'd have grabbed the little guy with my bare hands. I've done it before with them, they don't sting unless you smell of fear.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on July 12, 2019, 03:17:50 AM
Tell us more about this altitude chamber. That sounds like all kinds of possible fun.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 13, 2019, 05:06:13 AM
Quote from: Junkenstein on July 12, 2019, 03:17:50 AM
Tell us more about this altitude chamber. That sounds like all kinds of possible fun.

It's a 2 meter piece of 60 centimeter pipe with plex on either side and a vacuum pump.  Not as sexy as it sounds, but it does wasps in pretty good.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:33:02 AM
Today at work:

1.   It turns out silent propellant isn't really silent.
2.  "Capture" pistols do not work as advertised.
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on July 16, 2019, 04:40:05 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:33:02 AM
Today at work:

1.   It turns out silent propellant isn't really silent.
2.  "Capture" pistols do not work as advertised.
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.

Can't tell if this is bad day or best day.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:51:15 AM
Quote from: Q. G. Pennyworth on July 16, 2019, 04:40:05 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:33:02 AM
Today at work:

1.   It turns out silent propellant isn't really silent.
2.  "Capture" pistols do not work as advertised.
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.

Can't tell if this is bad day or best day.

Yes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: TastyCle on July 16, 2019, 08:43:19 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:33:02 AM
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.
Don't you worry, carbon detector will be viable after everyone important switches to a metal body!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 17, 2019, 12:16:00 AM
Quote from: TastyCle on July 16, 2019, 08:43:19 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 16, 2019, 04:33:02 AM
3.  Carbon firearms set off no metal detectors.
Don't you worry, carbon detector will be viable after everyone important switches to a metal body!

Yeah, no.  We have managed to seal the carbon to the point where you have to damage it before it can be detected.  It has zero ablation or offgassing.

This, however, causes some interesting brittleness issues that are maybe not the best thing for firearms in general.  It's like a 30 Years War musket that can't be detected.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Al Qədic on July 17, 2019, 04:43:59 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 17, 2019, 12:16:00 AM
This, however, causes some interesting brittleness issues that are maybe not the best thing for firearms in general.  It's like a 30 Years War musket that can't be detected.

This sounds like the basis of some really niche action game mechanic and I'm all here for it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on July 17, 2019, 09:02:04 AM
Is the likelihood of a misfire any higher than a normal firearm?

I can still see a lot of use for a single, reliable shot that no-one can see coming...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 18, 2019, 12:01:58 AM
Quote from: Cain on July 17, 2019, 09:02:04 AM
Is the likelihood of a misfire any higher than a normal firearm?

I can still see a lot of use for a single, reliable shot that no-one can see coming...

The chance of misfire is dictated by the bullet, and we are in fact having some difficulty with carbon casings.  We are considering paper, as it will not cling and distort when the pin strikes it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 23, 2019, 03:20:22 AM
Today, my boss announced that I am a wizard, because I can read a set of utility bills and eliminate redundancies.  Like $30K of redundancies.

But I have 4 hangnails.  Would a wizard have 4 hangnails?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on July 23, 2019, 04:30:05 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 23, 2019, 03:20:22 AM
Today, my boss announced that I am a wizard, because I can read a set of utility bills and eliminate redundancies.  Like $30K of redundancies.

But I have 4 hangnails.  Would a wizard have 4 hangnails?

Saving 30k on utilities in a single month??? Thats like enough to start a bitcoin farm.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on July 23, 2019, 12:07:42 PM
FUCK YES!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 23, 2019, 08:14:27 PM
Quote from: The Johnny on July 23, 2019, 04:30:05 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 23, 2019, 03:20:22 AM
Today, my boss announced that I am a wizard, because I can read a set of utility bills and eliminate redundancies.  Like $30K of redundancies.

But I have 4 hangnails.  Would a wizard have 4 hangnails?

Saving 30k on utilities in a single month??? Thats like enough to start a bitcoin farm.

Yeah, and the same amount going forward.

Also, and Cain will appreciate this, a joke on my part has let to what we are calling "Project Detritus".
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 24, 2019, 03:06:06 AM
I may have had to sit though a meeting with people literally wearing MAGA hats, while some AM talk radio crap played in the office. I may have seen fit to have Billy in the meeting, because young people are weak and need scars. I may have strained my poker face in an effort to remain professional.

But at the end of it all, I got funding for Project Detritus (anyone who has read Terry Pratchett will catch the reference) and I am dragging the world into a more horrible yet hilarious future.

I am a very scary man today. I know this because I gave myself my wallet when I was looking in the mirror shaving, to avoid a beating.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 24, 2019, 03:09:34 AM
You're living the dream, Howl. I can't wait to see what happens next.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 24, 2019, 03:27:41 AM
Quote from: nullified on July 24, 2019, 03:09:34 AM
You're living the dream, Howl. I can't wait to see what happens next.

My guess?  We'll do awesome things and then I will be fired in 22 months.

I mean, aside from Sasol, that's the trend.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on July 26, 2019, 11:40:55 AM
To my understanding, wizards, don't have extra bones, but shaman do.

EDIT: Also, wasn't Detritus the Golem on the watch?... ok, my amusement, stops here, WHAT have you done?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 29, 2019, 04:32:36 AM
My desk.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 29, 2019, 04:37:48 AM
That desk speaks to me. It says "I'm going to burn a house down. I don't have any specific house in mind, but if you have any suggestions, it will be your house."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on July 29, 2019, 02:22:58 PM
The crossbow doesn't worry me.  Without seeing what kind of bolts are going to be used, it's entirely possible that it's only intended for some innocent target practice, as opposed to hunting The Most Dangerous Prey.

The electric pencil sharpener, however, frightens me.  It frightens me greatly.  The only reason to have an electric pencil sharpener in your possession is if you are planning things.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 12:16:20 AM
Me:  "595 lines of undocumented code.  I want to find the engineer that wrote this and choke his ass out.  This is BULLSHIT and..."

Billy:  *reaches into a file I had looked through at least twice, pulls out documented code*

Me:  *stares at Billy*

Billy:  *stares at me*

Me:  "AND ANOTHER THING..."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on July 31, 2019, 09:43:30 PM
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 31, 2019, 09:52:42 PM
Google saves every single one of them for me. I knew what CNO was missing about that crossbow, and I've never read a Pratchett book (Good Omens excepted). They just aren't my thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 10:48:49 PM
Quote from: nullified on July 31, 2019, 09:52:42 PM
Google saves every single one of them for me. I knew what CNO was missing about that crossbow, and I've never read a Pratchett book (Good Omens excepted). They just aren't my thing.

I'm not wild about most of his stuff, but the Vimes novels are an exception.  They are superb.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 10:49:37 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on July 31, 2019, 09:43:30 PM
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.

It's the crossbow thing, really.  :lol:

Great big bastard.  Trying to double the fastest existing crossbow.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on August 01, 2019, 07:03:10 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 10:49:37 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on July 31, 2019, 09:43:30 PM
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.

It's the crossbow thing, really.  :lol:

Great big bastard.  Trying to double the fastest existing crossbow.

Has anyone gotten past Mach 1 with a crossbow, yet?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 01, 2019, 04:11:10 PM
Quote from: Emo Howard on August 01, 2019, 07:03:10 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 31, 2019, 10:49:37 PM
Quote from: Junkenstein on July 31, 2019, 09:43:30 PM
Never apologize, explain or bring it up again.
Standard operating procedure for progress.

And detritus was the troll folks. I suspect a lot of prachett jokes have been utterly wasted on some of you.

It's the crossbow thing, really.  :lol:

Great big bastard.  Trying to double the fastest existing crossbow.

Has anyone gotten past Mach 1 with a crossbow, yet?

Not even close.  Not sure it's possible without shaving the notch of any quarrel you would use.

The fastest crossbow (by the strictest method of measurement) right now is 460 f/s.  We are trying for 928 f/s.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2019, 12:02:29 AM
Today I fixed the robot of DOOM.  This is a machine everyone is afraid of, because it's computer driven and uses a weird (ie, non-Allen Bradley) controller.

So I spent a week dicking with the software on a laptop, reading the prints...and, you know, trying to understand how the machine is supposed to work.  It was designed by a human, it can be repaired by a human.

So I dive in and fix it in about 20 minutes.  Then spend an hour testing to make sure it's right.  Then my boss comes out and asks me when I'm going to start.

Me:  "Already done."

Boss:  "You're a WIZARD."

Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2019, 06:59:08 AM
Today at work:

Me: "I need you guys to go look the cooling tank. It's leaking like a Russian crown prince.

Lou: ...

English Paul: ...

Billy: ...

Me: "What?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Q. G. Pennyworth on August 03, 2019, 07:56:31 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2019, 12:02:29 AM
Today I fixed the robot of DOOM.  This is a machine everyone is afraid of, because it's computer driven and uses a weird (ie, non-Allen Bradley) controller.

So I spent a week dicking with the software on a laptop, reading the prints...and, you know, trying to understand how the machine is supposed to work.  It was designed by a human, it can be repaired by a human.

So I dive in and fix it in about 20 minutes.  Then spend an hour testing to make sure it's right.  Then my boss comes out and asks me when I'm going to start.

Me:  "Already done."

Boss:  "You're a WIZARD."

Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.

I love Emmie
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 04, 2019, 03:43:44 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2019, 12:02:29 AM
Emmie (the tiny lady that runs that department) "He's a NERRRRRRRRRRD!"

I bet Gandalf never got treated like this.

Not Gandalf, no.

Saruman was the nerd of the bunch.  Yes, even compared with Radagast.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 12:44:20 AM
Today, in tales of troubleshooting:

English Paul:  "This is nuts.  The walk-in oven is not coming to temperature, according to the paint guys.  But when I got here, NOTHING is working."

Me:  "Why is there a small pile of mini-lamps there?"

Dave:  "I changed the bulbs because they were all burned out."

Me:  "These are .02 amp lamps.  What did you put in?"

Dave:  "A bulb is a bulb."

Me:  *takes lamp out of socket*  "These are .33 amp bulbs.  You blew the control transformer fuse."

Dave:  *mutters*

Me:  "Do not get your back up at me, sir.  I am not the person who assumed competence where there is none."

Dave:  "Did you just insult me?"

Me:  "No.  I stated a fact.  You have zero knowledge of electrical controls, but you felt that you were somehow competent to mess with it."

Dave:  "They're just light bulbs."

Me:  "Everything is just something.  Those are just lamps, but they are the wrong lamps.  You and I are just primates, but *you* are the primate that   felt the need to stick your junk in the blender, here."

Dave:  *turns red and grinds teeth."

English Paul:  "How much did this cost us?"

Me:  "$1.09 AND 15 minutes of my irreplaceable time on this planet AND the dignity of a particularly dense primate."

Dave:  "Storms off."

English Paul:  "Are you always a complete dick?"

Me:  "Only when I feel a primate isn't paying attention."

English Paul:  "Billy is right.  You're fucked in the head."

Me:  "This is all normal, Paul."

Me:  "Oh, and Paul?"

Paul:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "That's 'you're fucked in the head, *boss*."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 01:03:50 AM
Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 06, 2019, 04:29:05 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 01:03:50 AM
Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."

This is why I hate salespeople. They're insane by nature, insane to survive, or insane by company policy.

They never have their head screwed on straight. Their priorities are always damaged. There should be a factory recall.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 04:30:35 PM
Quote from: nullified on August 06, 2019, 04:29:05 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 01:03:50 AM
Also today:

Me:  *calls X corporation*

Lady:  "Can I help you?"

Me:  "Inside sales, please."

Lady:  "I'm sorry, they're all in a sales improvement meeting."

Me:  "Can you see the flaw in this, or is it just me?"

Lady:  "This is my life."

This is why I hate salespeople. They're insane by nature, insane to survive, or insane by company policy.

They never have their head screwed on straight. Their priorities are always damaged. There should be a factory recall.

What's awesome is, I just got ahold of them this morning.  They do not seem interested in selling me anything at all, because that would involve work.

They're out of Chicago, and I had forgotten that Chicago forgot how to get things done 20 years ago.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 06, 2019, 04:32:30 PM
It's an epidemic.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 04:33:26 PM
Quote from: nullified on August 06, 2019, 04:32:30 PM
It's an epidemic.

We're balls to the wall in Tucson. 

But we ARE in Tucson, and your rules do not apply to us.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 07:28:56 PM
Baby Engineer:  "Hey, man, got a minute?"

Me: "unnng"

Billy:  "Hang on, dude, we're programming a stepper drive."

Baby Engineer:  "This will only take a second..."

Me:  "UNNNNNG"

Billy:  "And if Dok misses a decimal point, we will invent a new form of OSHA porn."

Baby Engineer:  "But what is he SAYING?"

Billy:  "His is a complex and structured language, but I can translate."

Me:  "UNNNNNNNNNNNNG!"

Billy:  "He says if you don't shut up and fuck off, you might maybe wake up in the morning with your budged slashed."

Baby Engineer:  *leaves*

Me:  "Billy, it's like you know me or something."

Billy:  "Yeah, whatever, start the video from the beginning.  I need my Amy Lee."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 06, 2019, 07:44:14 PM
Things that fell out of my face in a meeting:

"Because I love all of you fuckers.  Even the engineers.  And all I ask is for a little love in return.  For my ass.  I think that's what's wrong around here.  Insufficient love for my scabby, hairy ass."

"Where is the love, BE?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 06, 2019, 07:53:24 PM
 :lulz: It's too bad I can't see their reactions. It would be illuminating.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 14, 2019, 12:47:41 AM
Me:  "English Paul has, tragically, quit.  It seems that I was being unreasonable asking him to do that 'work' stuff."

Billy:  "You had him change the carbon media."

Me:  "It was worn out."

Billy:  "It doesn't wear out.  I mean, the worn out stuff is automatically discharged."

Me:  "I figured hand-sorting the grains would keep him busy."

Billy:  "AND you called him paranoid."

Me:  "Okay, I lied.  You're not paranoid if I'm really out to get you."

Billy:  "AND you said the rules don't apply to you because you're dead."

Me:  "It's not Cotard's Syndrome if you're actually dead."

Billy:  ...

Me:  "Besides, he offended me.  The work was not getting done, and here we were paying him.  That's wrong on every level.  Admit it, you didn't like him either."

Billy:  "Well, no, he was a whiner.  But HAND-SORT 450 kg of carbon particles?  That's fucked, even by your standards."

Me:  "It came to me in a dream."

Billy:  "Bullshit, you stole that from Preacher."

Me:  "Doesn't make it not true."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 14, 2019, 02:22:45 AM
I had always thought that I'd end up a whiner in the workplace. Turns out I'm the frighteningly efficient member of a team lagging way behind in the metrics. Who'd've thunk it?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 14, 2019, 03:31:04 AM
Quote from: nullified on August 14, 2019, 02:22:45 AM
I had always thought that I'd end up a whiner in the workplace. Turns out I'm the frighteningly efficient member of a team lagging way behind in the metrics. Who'd've thunk it?

The main difference in where you land, I think, is whether or not you have fun with what you do.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 15, 2019, 11:50:23 PM
*CRACK*

Me:  "okay, the carbon flew all to pieces."

Baby Engineer:  "How far did we get?"

Me:  Just under 20 G acceleration.

BE:  "SHIT."

Billy: "Relax, you're almost 1/5 of the way there."

BE:  "Shut your whore mouth."

Me:  "Don't get so hot under the collar, dude.  It failed.  So what?  That's material science.  You keep failing until one day you don't."

BE:  "It should have worked."

Me:  "See, that's where you are fucked up.  You are an infant engineer, and you were told how the world should operate.  Billy and I, on the other hand, are reliability geeks and we know the world is a shifty bastard with a trust fund and a pocket full of roofies."

BE:  *stares in nerd*

Me:  *Stares in alpha nerd*

BE:  "Get the hell out of here, this is going to be an all-nighter."

Billy:  "You're trying again tonight?"

Me:  "He didn't hear the thing about the pocket full of roofies, apparently.

BE:  "GET OOOOOOOOOUT."

Billy:  "There's no pleasing some people."

Me:  "This is all normal, Billy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on August 16, 2019, 08:48:26 PM
Aaah, the freshly graduated. So bright eyed, so upset when things don't quite work the way they were told.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 16, 2019, 11:25:37 PM
Quote from: Juana on August 16, 2019, 08:48:26 PM
Aaah, the freshly graduated. So bright eyed, so upset when things don't quite work the way they were told.

Baby engineers are adorable.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 19, 2019, 04:50:36 AM
Sure, he's adorable now.  But unless he's incompetent, or very, very lucky, in a few short years he'll learn the Horrible Truth, that science exceeded the comprehension of meat-based monkey brains in the late 1940's, and modern technology is a house of cards that is one squirrel fart away from catastrophic collapse.

Then the metamorphosis will occur.

He might become a Project Manager, or System Architect, who deals with High Level Design, and leaves the messy details of physics and manufacturing tolerances to the grunts on the front line.  "How long is it going to take for you to get it working?"

Or he might delude himself that there is an area about which it is possible to know everything, and become a Specialist, mocking derisively anyone who encroaches on his domain, and dismissing all other fields as irrelevant, or trivial.  "That's a software problem.  Not my department."  If his expertise develops enough, he may even begin to believe it applies to all fields, not just his specialization. 

Or he could become one of the Accursed, the Proselytes to the Machine God, who cannot look away or close their eyes to the horrors of reality, who aspire to universal specialization, who are often paralyzed into inaction by seeing all the possible ways the system can fail, and, on rare occasions, actually get something done.  "Did you check the cables?  Did you check the cables again?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 19, 2019, 07:36:09 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on August 19, 2019, 04:50:36 AM
Sure, he's adorable now.  But unless he's incompetent, or very, very lucky, in a few short years he'll learn the Horrible Truth, that science exceeded the comprehension of meat-based monkey brains in the late 1940's, and modern technology is a house of cards that is one squirrel fart away from catastrophic collapse.

Then the metamorphosis will occur.

He might become a Project Manager, or System Architect, who deals with High Level Design, and leaves the messy details of physics and manufacturing tolerances to the grunts on the front line.  "How long is it going to take for you to get it working?"

Or he might delude himself that there is an area about which it is possible to know everything, and become a Specialist, mocking derisively anyone who encroaches on his domain, and dismissing all other fields as irrelevant, or trivial.  "That's a software problem.  Not my department."  If his expertise develops enough, he may even begin to believe it applies to all fields, not just his specialization. 

Or he could become one of the Accursed, the Proselytes to the Machine God, who cannot look away or close their eyes to the horrors of reality, who aspire to universal specialization, who are often paralyzed into inaction by seeing all the possible ways the system can fail, and, on rare occasions, actually get something done.  "Did you check the cables?  Did you check the cables again?"

:cainftw: :cainftw: :cainftw:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 22, 2019, 02:12:12 AM
Things Billy said today:

You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing. It does something else entirely, or nothing at all. It's like voting."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 23, 2019, 02:36:14 AM
Product Development Meeting

Boss:  "I invited Hamish today, because this isn't working and perhaps we could use a more technical perpective.  Um, but why is Billy here?"

Me:  "To play my theme music."

Boss:  *looks at me in Boss*

Me:  "We agreed you wouldn't question my methods if I brought results.  I have in fact brought results."

Boss:  "Okay, what did you find?"

Me:  "Well, a few things.  First, you guys assumed that 240 volts AC means 240 volts.  It does not.  It is nominal.  The actual voltage was 205, because Tucson Electric Power is a pack of thieving idiots, so your resistance values were all buggered up and you weren't getting the heat you thought you were getting."

Baby Engineer:  "Holy shit.  I've been banging my head against the wall for a month and the voltage was wrong?  What the actual fuck?"

Boss:  "You said a few things.  What else?"

Me:  "The zygote over there"  *points at Baby engineer* "wrote some tight code.  Only someone else didn't.  His values were metric, the other dude"  *points at Brian* "put his values in standard."

Boss:  "You are shitting me."

Brian:  *attempts to turn invisible, fails*

Me:  "No, I shit you not.  He is some kind of benighted heathen and despite his education cannot seem to use scientific units like a decent human being.  I have corrected his portion of the code."

Boss:  *glowers at Brian*

Brian:  *Very wisely says nothing at all*

Boss:  "I feel an 'and' coming on..."

Me:  "AND the aluminum isn't 7075, it's 6061.  So again, all values are wrong.  Billy found that, and put the correct values in."

Boss:  "Nice one, Billy.  Someone kill the supplier.  So we are functional?"

Me:  "I didn't say that.  We still have to test."

Boss:  "When is that going to happen?"

Me:  "Tonight.  I am staying late.  Everyone should look grateful now.  But I think we're okay, I ran the heat calculations and it should be close to what we're after."

Boss:  "You're a fucking WIZARD.  Even if you are the rudest human being I have met in years."

Me:  "I gotta be me.  I want Brian to stay, too, because he needs to learn about modern technology and the ways of SCIENCE."

Emmy:  "Aren't you forgetting something, nerd?"

Me:  "Quite right.  Billy?"

Billy:  *thumbs cell phone, "Uptown Girl" plays*

*Hamish, Emmy, and Billy dance towards door*

Baby Engineer:  "Fuck it."  *dances out behind us*

And that is how we get things done in Side Effect City.




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on August 23, 2019, 02:57:11 AM

What kind of two legged animal uses imperial measurements for science?

**Does the sign of the cross**
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 23, 2019, 03:44:21 AM
Quote from: The Johnny on August 23, 2019, 02:57:11 AM

What kind of two legged animal uses imperial measurements for science?

**Does the sign of the cross**

One that spent 4 hours taking the amp draws this evening while I watched youtube.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 23, 2019, 11:56:45 PM
I love that meeting. You have found your home, I think.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2019, 05:30:06 AM
Quote from: nullified on August 23, 2019, 11:56:45 PM
I love that meeting. You have found your home, I think.

Well, I am back in industry after 5 rocky years, so I hope so.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 24, 2019, 05:47:01 AM
The main sign to me is that you have a pack of people as willing to flaunt their horrible things in public as you are. You got three people to dance out that door with you and only one was Billy. That's only a good sign or the beginning of the apocalypse. (No, Trump doesn't count towards apocalypse, he lacks the vision.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 24, 2019, 06:18:15 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 23, 2019, 02:36:14 AM
Billy:  *thumbs cell phone, "Uptown Girl" plays*

*Hamish, Emmy, and Billy dance towards door*

Baby Engineer:  "Fuck it."  *dances out behind us*

That's kinda awesome.

You know...if you weren't in America--and worse, in the Tucson Dimensional Closure--I might be inclined to send you my resume.  Frankly, I'm kind of dumb, have insubordinate tendencies, and you probably don't care what I can do with an FPGA, but if something has a microprocessor connected to it, I can usually figure it out (and if it doesn't have a microprocessor connected, I'll connect one).

My theme song:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4v3etuIw-aM

Or this one.  Whatever.  Different songs for different situations.  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vnXXHCz8E3k
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 24, 2019, 06:28:31 AM
I've already made my offer, but the cold truth is that Tucson doesn't need a customer service professional or a fountain of useless trivia. It needs evil scientists and fearless gods covered in the feces of their defeated enemies, neither of which is in my portfolio.

I think you'd fit though, CNO.

As for theme songs, I am best known at my workplace for honest to god music withdrawals*, and lurking in the smoker's alley listening to stuff like this: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=D42dVfscV90

But if I had to pick a theme song? Shit, there's really only one choice. https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SpsfkOGfPS8


* when my supervisor notices my metrics slipping he actually asks me "did you listen to something while you were on your break?" I've been sent out on another break more than once for answering no. The numbers do not lie, and the extra break time pays for itself.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 25, 2019, 04:25:11 AM
Quote from: nullified on August 24, 2019, 05:47:01 AM
The main sign to me is that you have a pack of people as willing to flaunt their horrible things in public as you are. You got three people to dance out that door with you and only one was Billy. That's only a good sign or the beginning of the apocalypse. (No, Trump doesn't count towards apocalypse, he lacks the vision.)

Dancing at work is a sign of a productive staff.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 25, 2019, 04:35:15 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 25, 2019, 04:25:11 AM
Quote from: nullified on August 24, 2019, 05:47:01 AM
The main sign to me is that you have a pack of people as willing to flaunt their horrible things in public as you are. You got three people to dance out that door with you and only one was Billy. That's only a good sign or the beginning of the apocalypse. (No, Trump doesn't count towards apocalypse, he lacks the vision.)

Dancing at work is a sign of a productive staff.

You know that. I know that. The employees do not know that until it's too late.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstien on August 27, 2019, 07:55:23 PM
It's also handy to find out if they'll stick around.

I've seen it declared to new starts more than once that "JUNGLE IS MASSIVE" followed by 90 seconds of intense Drum and bass. Dancing optional but far from unusual. Then resume as though nothing at all has occurred.

Those that come back for week two are then granted names.


I'm working with ex-army soldiers and a range of monsters. It's lovely.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 27, 2019, 08:03:16 PM
The new guy is working out.  It occurs to me that all of the ones that DO work out have beards.  English Paul did not have a beard and looked like a skinny Winston Churchill; he was doomed to failure.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 27, 2019, 11:41:07 PM
How the fuck does anyone pull off a skinny Churchill? I say you hang onto him just on the strength of that alone. I don't mean on the payroll, I mean like a pet or a mascot.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on August 28, 2019, 12:04:02 AM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on August 27, 2019, 11:41:07 PM
How the fuck does anyone pull off a skinny Churchill? I say you hang onto him just on the strength of that alone. I don't mean on the payroll, I mean like a pet or a mascot.
All I can imagine of churchill without the fat is a talking hat smoking a cigar
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on August 28, 2019, 02:25:14 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 27, 2019, 08:03:16 PM
The new guy is working out.  It occurs to me that all of the ones that DO work out have beards.  English Paul did not have a beard and looked like a skinny Winston Churchill; he was doomed to failure.

If he's bald, mechanical related and around 6ft, sing "journey" at him. If he joins in on the second line I may know the bastard. It's unlikely enough to be possible in the new horrible times.

ETA - if the above is true ask him about the Halloween he was dressed as Satan and got attacked by (real) nurses when he tried to haul my drunk corpse home.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 03:06:58 AM
Quote from: Junkenstein on August 28, 2019, 02:25:14 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 27, 2019, 08:03:16 PM
The new guy is working out.  It occurs to me that all of the ones that DO work out have beards.  English Paul did not have a beard and looked like a skinny Winston Churchill; he was doomed to failure.

If he's bald, mechanical related and around 6ft, sing "journey" at him. If he joins in on the second line I may know the bastard. It's unlikely enough to be possible in the new horrible times.

ETA - if the above is true ask him about the Halloween he was dressed as Satan and got attacked by (real) nurses when he tried to haul my drunk corpse home.

This guy is 50, thinks Trump is great and wants the NHS to be abolished.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 28, 2019, 05:45:05 AM
I'm surprised you didn't make him sort the carbon media with chopsticks, given that description.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 02:06:51 PM
Quote from: nullified on August 28, 2019, 05:45:05 AM
I'm surprised you didn't make him sort the carbon media with chopsticks, given that description.

There is no line item for chopsticks, or I might have.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 28, 2019, 03:19:10 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 02:06:51 PM
Quote from: nullified on August 28, 2019, 05:45:05 AM
I'm surprised you didn't make him sort the carbon media with chopsticks, given that description.

There is no line item for chopsticks, or I might have.
Issue him a two-by-four and a hacksaw.  He can make his own chopsticks.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 11:11:00 PM
SO.  Baby Engineer hired up a mean girls squad to do layout on the new product, and they have tripled output.

Suddenly, the machines *I* am building are the bottleneck.

Boss:  "Oh, and we moved the release date 3 weeks closer."

Me:  "Oh you bastard."

Baby Engineer:  "Oh, hey, even WIZARDS can get caught up in the clockwork."

Me:  "Oh, we can totally do this."

Boss:  "That's what I wanted to hear."

Me:  "But it's gonna cost you."

Boss:  "That's NOT what I wanted to hear."

Me:  "It is what it is.  I now have 3 weeks to do 6 weeks of work.  This doesn't happen without cost."

Boss:  "What kinda cost?"

Me:  "50% overtime and a sickass pair of sound bars."

Boss:  "Sound bars?"

Me:  "Music means productivity."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "$500 and some overtime vs a dropped ship date."

Boss:  "Where I come from, we call this 'strong-arming'."

Me:  "Where *I* come from, we call it 'extortion.'  But here we are."

Boss:  "Can you really do this in 3 weeks?"

Me:  "Oh, that's easy, but what ISN'T easy is the NEXT bottle neck, which is figuring out how to cool down aluminum at 3C/minute from 135 to ambient."

Boss:  *looks at Steve in Boss*

Steve (to me):  "I hate you."

Me:  "Clockwork, meet Steve.  Steve, meet clockwork."

Brian:  "Wait.  What just happened?"

Steve:  "Well, we HAD a three day weekend coming."

Me:  "This is all normal, Steve."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 11:19:55 PM
Baby Engineer makes things that WORK. He just doesn't think 3 steps ahead yet, because he is young, and the young are weak.

Whereas I can survive for a week on an unwary pigeon.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 29, 2019, 03:00:24 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 28, 2019, 11:19:55 PM
Baby Engineer makes things that WORK. He just doesn't think 3 steps ahead yet, because he is young, and the young are weak.

Whereas I can survive for a week on an unwary pigeon.

:spittake:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 29, 2019, 02:58:59 PM
I just realised you're writing the script to the ultimate sitcom here. Does your life come with a laugh track?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 29, 2019, 05:44:02 PM
No, Howl has a live studio audience.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on August 29, 2019, 06:43:37 PM
Quote from: nullified on August 29, 2019, 05:44:02 PM
No, Howl has a live studio audience.

And they all look like this.
:fishhook:
All the time  :eek:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 29, 2019, 06:45:21 PM
What else would you look like as a part of a ghoulish horde doomed to follow the saint of bad science to the pits of Tucson? So you can laugh for him, even.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on August 29, 2019, 09:46:23 PM

Something like a spinoff of Eraserhead would be fitting, the element of the weird laughtrack specially.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 30, 2019, 03:25:18 AM
Quote from: nullified on August 29, 2019, 06:45:21 PM
What else would you look like as a part of a ghoulish horde doomed to follow the saint of bad science to the pits of Tucson? So you can laugh for him, even.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 30, 2019, 03:25:41 AM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on August 29, 2019, 06:43:37 PM
Quote from: nullified on August 29, 2019, 05:44:02 PM
No, Howl has a live studio audience.

And they all look like this.
:fishhook:
All the time  :eek:

We are very serious about havin' a good time, here.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 08, 2019, 01:10:30 AM
Things I said at work today:

"Billy, take the new guy out back and shoot him."

"No, I can't take the day off just because it is a Saturday.  The things will not do themselves and we have a deadline.  It may be artificial and meaningless, but it is still a deadline."

"Steve, you can tell an artificial deadline from a real one by whether or not anyone loses funding by missing it.  Which means they are all real.  Why are you looking at me like that?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 08, 2019, 03:50:21 AM
I've had some "take them out back and shoot them" moments today.

Highlight: a SERIES of MULTIPLE representatives replaced a woman's hardware over the course of a month. This equipment is NOT compatible with the woman's home, and if they had followed the clearly laid out instructions for troubleshooting, the VERY FIRST THING THERE is that it REQUIRES a mechanical box, not a digital one. Yes! Yes, she is having problems! They didn't pay attention, of course she's having problems!

So one month, 169 dollars and multiple headaches later this lady has to be informed by me that SIX REPRESENTATIVES SKIPPED BASIC TROUBLESHOOTING STEPS. I sold her a device that IS compatible at a discount, and gave her a month's free service in exchange. She's happy, I'm glad she's happy, but by god I wish someone would send these brave souls responsible for the mess marching out the third floor window in single file.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2019, 06:50:58 PM
A short motivational talk I gave to my department, upon being told I needed to do motivational talks:

Weapons manufacturers are the most degenerate people on Earth.  You can see the crusted filth on their lips over the phone.  They have fat wallets and tiny necks, and the hubris of 1979 automotive executives.  They are the absolute scum of mankind, but their checks cash.  This is why we do business with them; we aren't the good guys, either.  It is said there is no ethical consumption under capitalism and we are the reason this is true.

I do not say this because I feel we should all roll around in our own evil.  I say it because we have one layer of purity in our otherwise depraved lives:  We get the job done.  Whether someone wants to topple a neighboring government, or just chop off an enemy's hand, people like us have ALWAYS been the go-to for the capability to do so.  I am reasonably sure that Nebuchadnezzar had a few dozen wise guys that just sat around all day inventing newer and better bow strings.  That's us.  We're that guy.  We have always been that guy.

We don't make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better.

Now, I trust you are all properly motivated.  Let's get back to work.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2019, 06:55:21 PM
"We don't make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better." Is going in the newsfeed, right? Right???
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2019, 07:03:41 PM
Quote from: nullified on September 11, 2019, 06:55:21 PM
"We don't make the apocalypse, we make the apocalypse better." Is going in the newsfeed, right? Right???

:lulz:

Sure, why not?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 18, 2019, 10:53:24 PM
Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

Clayton:  "That might be a BIT aggressive."

Me:  "You obviously don't have the same kind of enemies I have."

Clayton:  "You're right, I don't.  That's sick."

Me:  "Our clients DO.  If I was selling to you, I'd say 'the best deterrent since the MIRV', but I am selling to people who think like me."

Doug:  "That's sick.""

Melissa:  "That is pretty sick."

Me:  "Have you people looked at what we DO for a living?  How about 'Make your enemies wake up deader,' or 'Your enemies won't wake up *anything*'?  If you want *healthy*, why are you even in this business?  We are not healthy people and we are not making a healthy product." 

Melissa:  "Or how about 'And nobody ever heard anything out of your rival's fat mouth ever again'?"

Me:  "See, that's what I'm saying.  This is a sick product for a sick time on a sick planet, and we should own that."

Melissa:  "...a sick product for sick people.  I can work with this."

Clayton:  "We can't call our clients sick."

Melissa:  "Not in so many words, no.  But if you give me a couple of days, I can say the same thing in a way that makes them want to be even sicker."

Clayton:  "Go with that."

Doug:  "..."

Me:  "We're not the good guys, Doug."

Doug:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Doug."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 18, 2019, 11:09:31 PM
How can you be an IDEALIST in ARMS MANUFACTURING? Doug cannot last as he is, he will die or be transformed, Tetsuo The Iron Man style. It's just the facts.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 19, 2019, 12:03:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 18, 2019, 10:53:24 PM
Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I don't know what you're selling, but I want one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 19, 2019, 01:17:53 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 19, 2019, 12:03:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 18, 2019, 10:53:24 PM
Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I don't know what you're selling, but I want one.

Me too!
I'll take five.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 19, 2019, 01:18:32 AM
Quote from: nullified on September 18, 2019, 11:09:31 PM
How can you be an IDEALIST in ARMS MANUFACTURING? Doug cannot last as he is, he will die or be transformed, Tetsuo The Iron Man style. It's just the facts.

I am an idealist. 

It's just that my ideals are bad.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 19, 2019, 01:34:16 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 19, 2019, 01:18:32 AM
Quote from: nullified on September 18, 2019, 11:09:31 PM
How can you be an IDEALIST in ARMS MANUFACTURING? Doug cannot last as he is, he will die or be transformed, Tetsuo The Iron Man style. It's just the facts.

I am an idealist. 

It's just that my ideals are bad.

How can you be an idealist? You have an ideal vision for our future, it's true, but you don't simply assume that future will come about on its own. No, you know we must MAKE the vindaloo and then make everyone actually WANT the resultant death farts before your future can come about.

Idealists are out of touch with reality, and assume that it works the way they want it to already. Any evidence to the contrary is everyone else Being Wrong, or else Trying To Ruin It, and such evidence will never change their minds on the matter.


Really, it's basically like libertarianism. The idealist thinks things should just naturally be a certain way, cannot fathom the idea that they are wrong, and enjoys sucking the farts out of their own ass and into their nose at high speed with a diesel powered pump. All they're missing is Ayn Rand and a face like a boot print.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on September 19, 2019, 04:03:54 AM
I dream of world conquest... my dreams, even, are tainted. I don't have dreams or nightmares anymore, as I immediately realize I am dreaming and I control everything. I begin to thirst for bigger and better things. Anyway, story still rocks, thanks Doctor Howl.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on September 19, 2019, 06:26:54 PM
your job is always an adventure, isn't it? :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 19, 2019, 07:41:18 PM
Quote from: Juana on September 19, 2019, 06:26:54 PM
your job is always an adventure, isn't it? :lulz:

I have chosen a bizarre career arc.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2019, 12:28:07 AM
I went back to work today.  I am still sick with the fucking plague, but I had meetings I had to attend.  So I drove 15 miles in, went into my office, skyped over to the meeting room (My remote desktop was fucked because IT guy forgot to move the password change thingie to "never" and it expired on Sunday, and dumbass ALSO has the flu).

Boss:  "You there, Hamish?"

Me:  "Good morning, angels."

Boss:  "Goddammit."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 04, 2019, 08:06:18 PM
Things that got said at work today:

Billy (to Baby Engineer):  "The C in engineering stands for 'can do'."

Baby Engineer (to machine shop guy):  "When I say I need your help, I mean that I need your help.  I don't need you flapping your face meat at me while you're doing it."

Me (to Alfred, aka 'filthy apprentice'):  "When you move slowly, it's like the whole world is slow.  And it's Friday.  So how about you move your ass?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 04, 2019, 09:06:04 PM
Billy said my new favorite phrase. You've made fine monsters.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 04, 2019, 09:21:19 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 04, 2019, 09:06:04 PM
Billy said my new favorite phrase. You've made fine monsters.

I have to admit, Billy has shaped up nicely. 

But if you tell him I said that, I'll say that you're lying.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 05, 2019, 05:53:33 AM
Alfred, on the other hand, has a time dilation effect large enough to reach Boston. I had a three hour lunch and still the clock said I only took 45 minutes when I sat back down.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 07, 2019, 06:36:45 PM
Boss:  "What the hell are you two listening to?"

Billy:  "Something Hamish put together."

Boss:  "It sounds like someone dying."

Me:  "No, it's just a voice recording of me coughing when I had the flu a couple of weeks back, looped in with some dubstep."

Boss:  "..."

Me:  "Sometimes you need more than UNF UNF UNF."

Billy:  "I *like* the part where it goes UNF UNF UNF."

Me:  "That's like saying you like the horse in Guernica, so you can just leave the rest of the painting out."

Boss:  "..."

Billy:  "I would.  The screaming people detract from the screaming horse."

Me:  "You're a Goddamn philistine.  See what I have to work with, Boss?  How am I supposed to get anything done with a savage like this guy working for me?"

Boss:  "Um.  *Are* things getting done?"

Me:  "We're a week ahead of schedule."

Billy:  "And 15% under budget."

Me: "You're not supposed to tell him that."

Boss:  "I am standing right here, Hamish."

Me:  "And now you are also grossly over-informed."

Boss:  "Whatever.  The people over in ballistics are bitching about the noise."

Me:  "Are THEY ahead of schedule and under budget?"

Boss:  "You know they aren't.  They are a money sump that no productive results can escape."

Me:  "Then I'd say the problem isn't our music.  It is with lazy engineers who are probably getting all weird with the ballistics gel again."

Boss:  "You're right.  I shall go scream at them."

Billy:  "Sounds like a plan."

Boss:  "Of course it does.  I thought of it."

Boss:  "Oh, and turn the music up.  I will show those fuckers 'normal'.  Lazy bastards."  *walks out*

Billy:  "I think I like this guy."

Me:  "Philistine."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 07, 2019, 06:40:21 PM
Never mind, I take all the good things about Billy back.

No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

Also, :lulz: at the boss's parting words. "I'll show those fuckers normal" is extremely on brand for you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 07, 2019, 06:43:02 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 07, 2019, 06:40:21 PM
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 07, 2019, 06:44:45 PM
Quote from: LMNO on October 07, 2019, 06:43:02 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 07, 2019, 06:40:21 PM
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.

When inevitably we meet, since I live and work in the Boston area, we shall do battle.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 07, 2019, 06:51:31 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 07, 2019, 06:40:21 PM
Never mind, I take all the good things about Billy back.

No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

Also, :lulz: at the boss's parting words. "I'll show those fuckers normal" is extremely on brand for you.

I have that effect, I am told.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 07, 2019, 06:52:14 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 07, 2019, 06:44:45 PM
Quote from: LMNO on October 07, 2019, 06:43:02 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 07, 2019, 06:40:21 PM
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.

When inevitably we meet, since I live and work in the Boston area, we shall do battle.

This is gonna be better than Gojira.  I believe I wrote up the last time someone came after LMNO at work.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 07, 2019, 07:05:39 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 07, 2019, 06:44:45 PM
Quote from: LMNO on October 07, 2019, 06:43:02 PM
Quote from: nullified on October 07, 2019, 06:40:21 PM
No man who can enjoy a horse can be a friend of mine.

If I'm not on your Nemesis list yet, put me on there now.

When inevitably we meet, since I live and work in the Boston area, we shall do battle.

I, for one, will be on horseback.  You fucker.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 07, 2019, 07:16:28 PM
A foolish decision, as I will be on a motorboat. No, I don't care that we will be on land. The sounds of the engine will terrify and derange your steed while I throw plants at you. My success is assured.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 11, 2019, 12:18:49 AM
Boss:  "...And then we realized that Baby Engineer was never taught the difference between capital and expense, so none of the allocations were made."

Me:  "Yeah, they were."

Boss:  "When?"

Billy:  "Last night, between 3 PM and 11 PM."

Boss:  "You sorted 600 invoices?"

Me:  *slides flash drive across table*

Boss:  "Who told you to do that?"

Me:  "I knew it had to be done."

Boss:  "Well, you know what the reward for hard work is?"

Billy:  "A bottle of rum and a fat bag of crank?"

Boss:  "No, more work.  I need you guys to cost out the new cooling system."

Me:  "Done."

Boss:  "..."

Billy:  "We were bored this morning."

Boss:  "How much?"

Me:  "Labor.  All parts are on hand."

Boss:  "We do not have those parts."

Billy:  "We do.  We totally do."

Boss:  "Where?"

Me:  "We're gonna use the two spare chillers from the machine department, a couple of 300 gallon totes, a sump pump, and one of the old Watlow controllers."

Billy:  "We made it out of scrap.  In a cave."

Boss:  "It's that easy?"

Me:  "For proof of concept.  A productions system, on the other hand, is very expensive.  Lots of R&D."

Boss:  "But this IS the R&D, and it's labor only."

Me:  "..."

Billy:  "..."

Boss:  "..."

Billy:  "Lots of money."

Boss:  "You are wizards but you should be wizards somewhere else."

Billy:  "Huh?"

Me:  "He's throwing us out of his office."

Billy:  "Oh, okay.  That's normal."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2019, 05:07:31 PM
Things that got said at work today:

Billy:  "If I can't have an employee shot for malingering, what is the *point* of being an acting department manager?"

Me:  "Not everything has to explode.  I mean, everything *should*, but sometimes you can just get by with delivering a nerve agent.  Or a psychotropic drug.  I mean, sure, you can blow your enemy up or poison him to death, but you can also watch him run down the road buck naked, screaming that rats are eating his brains.  Why are you all looking at me like that?"

Boss:  "Product dropped and we have only 600 units back ordered.  I don't know whether to give the production department a raise or have the sales department shot."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 22, 2019, 01:43:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2019, 05:07:31 PM
Boss:  "Product dropped and we have only 600 units back ordered.  I don't know whether to give the production department a raise or have the sales department shot."
Have the production department shoot the sales department.  It will be good for morale, and will save the expense of a pay raise.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 22, 2019, 08:07:38 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on October 22, 2019, 01:43:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2019, 05:07:31 PM
Boss:  "Product dropped and we have only 600 units back ordered.  I don't know whether to give the production department a raise or have the sales department shot."
Have the production department shoot the sales department.  It will be good for morale, and will save the expense of a pay raise.

You're in the wrong business.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 25, 2019, 11:56:59 PM
Boss:  "So I'm thinking Billy is going to be the new maintenance manager, because I have other things for you to do."

Me:  "Okay, like what?"

Boss:  "Get control of the money."

Billy:  "Oh, he can do money."

Boss: "Billy, you will still report through him.  Because that's one less person I have to look at."

Me:  "What's my new job title?"

Boss:  "Wizard.  You are now the director of wizard."

Me:  "I am drunk with power."

Billy:  "Here we go."

Me:  "This is all normal, mortal."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 26, 2019, 12:10:24 AM
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 26, 2019, 12:43:42 AM
Yes, I, too, would like to see that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 07:06:08 AM
Quote from: nullified on October 26, 2019, 12:10:24 AM
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.

I guess Monday is the day I highjack the laser engraver.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 07:06:15 AM
The Tucson Rules:

1. Tucson is everywhere. Everywhere is Tucson.
2. This being Tucson, your petty laws do not apply.
3. Some physical laws may also not apply. This is often situational.
4. If the police are all throwing up, don't look.
5. If you leave Tucson from the North, you enter Tucson from the South. Like in Pac Man.
6. Don't ask why all the bar stools are covered in bite marks if you don't want to know. Why do I even have to say this?
7. It is still 1979 in Tucson, only with smart phones.
8. Trump may be your president, but ours is Neil Sedaka, and breaking up is hard to do.
9. Accelerate out of trouble.
10. Save your brightest smile for hell, darlings.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 26, 2019, 02:01:13 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 07:06:08 AM
Quote from: nullified on October 26, 2019, 12:10:24 AM
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.

I guess Monday is the day I highjack the laser engraver.

Do eet. Fucking do it. It should read "Head Wizard". Somewhere, Dumbledore is turning over in his grave, they weren't supposed to just turn Hogwarts over to the dark lord.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 26, 2019, 05:46:44 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on October 26, 2019, 02:01:13 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 07:06:08 AM
Quote from: nullified on October 26, 2019, 12:10:24 AM
Oh my god.

If they give you a placard I DEMAND PICTURES.

I guess Monday is the day I highjack the laser engraver.

Do eet. Fucking do it. It should read "Head Wizard". Somewhere, Dumbledore is turning over in his grave, they weren't supposed to just turn Hogwarts over to the dark lord.

How fucking dare you defile this Holy Place with J.K.Rowling tripe.

ETA: This is supposed to be a joke but J. K. Rowling is still trash and you should still feel bad.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 26, 2019, 08:11:31 PM
I don't feel bad, not in the slightest. There are no sacred cows anywhere. Also it was a joke you awful chode.

EDIT: Also Nullified, sorry about the "awful chode" comment. I'd call someone much worse than a chode if I were truly upset, it was another joke, I need a new sense of humor.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 26, 2019, 08:40:36 PM
Can we not?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 26, 2019, 10:16:28 PM
My bad, I had just woken up at the time and didn't tailor the reply to the audience appropriately. Entire thing made in a good-natured spirit, edit included (I will not apologize for hating Rowling though).
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 30, 2019, 06:34:21 PM
So, it looks like we will be sharing the grounds with a growery.  Because nothing makes more sense than hostile technology on one end of the facility and hippies on the other.  And given that we don't boot people for pot on drug screens, this pretty much assures that the people advancing the surveillance society will be all fucked up on drugs.  Which is as it should be.

This is truly the best of all possible timelines.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on October 30, 2019, 09:15:11 PM

Now you guys just need to actually start growing food, install a bunker and a confederate flag, and you're all set to fight the Chinese/Russian invasion, lead the resistance against the deep state takeover or win the con/lib civil war  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 30, 2019, 10:42:36 PM
Quote from: The Johnny on October 30, 2019, 09:15:11 PM

Now you guys just need to actually start growing food, install a bunker and a confederate flag, and you're all set to fight the Chinese/Russian invasion, lead the resistance against the deep state takeover or win the con/lib civil war  :lulz:

Confederate flag?  This was a union territory and everyone hates the confederacy.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on October 30, 2019, 10:47:02 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 30, 2019, 06:34:21 PM
So, it looks like we will be sharing the grounds with a growery.  Because nothing makes more sense than hostile technology on one end of the facility and hippies on the other.  And given that we don't boot people for pot on drug screens, this pretty much assures that the people advancing the surveillance society will be all fucked up on drugs.  Which is as it should be.

This is truly the best of all possible timelines.

If it was good enough for the CIA in the 1950s...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 07, 2019, 05:13:48 PM
Billy:  "...And then HR says that you can't fire someone for being a dickhead."

Me:  "Makes you wonder what the point is, right?"

Billy:  "I can't understand it.  Is there a better reason to fire someone?"

Me:  "Well, yes.  'Not getting the job done' comes to mind."

Billy:  "Getting the job done should be implied by the very fact that we are here."

Me:  "So what are you going to do?"

Billy:  "I'm going to go buy 5 loaves of bread."

Me:  "..."

Billy:  "Then I'm gonna chop the bread up."

Me:  "..."

Billy:  "Then I'm gonna throw it all over the roof."

Me:  "But then the pigeons will..."

Me:  "Oh."

Billy:  "Then a certain DICKHEAD will have to clean up pigeon shit until he quits."

Me:  *sniffle*  "My little Billy is all grown up."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 14, 2019, 06:47:23 PM
Billy:  "You did what?"

Me:  "I sold the facility to pot farmers."

Billy:  "You sold your own workplace?  You can't do that!"

Me:  "I can.  I did."

Billy:  "So what happens to us?"

Me:  "We use the North building rent free for 24 months while we locate and move to a more appropriate facility."

Billy:  "How did you manage that?"

Me:  "The day I can't out-negotiate a half a dozen venture capitalists and a couple of hippies is the day you are morally-obligated to SHOOT ME IN MY FACE."

*boss walks in*

Boss:  "Did I just hear that someone is jumping head in line to shoot Dok in his face?"

Billy:  "I have known him longer."

Boss:  "I outrank you."

Me:  "I'm kinda STANDING RIGHT HERE, GUYS."

Billy:  "For the moment, anyways."




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 14, 2019, 09:10:47 PM
I yearn for the day people argue about who gets dibs on murdering me. That's what real success looks like!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 18, 2019, 10:45:42 PM
At work today:

Me:  "My revenge will be of a nuclear savagery powerful enough to slam you back in time and explode you in your mother's womb."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 18, 2019, 11:16:08 PM
I can top that, for once.

Me: [Outsourced CS company] can be trusted only to ensure we keep our jobs. Nowhere else will you find people whose idea of customer service is to fucking cancel an order a customer asked to expedite.

Coworker: We should launch them into the damn sun.

Me: ARE YOU CRAZY

[blank stares]

Me: THE SUN WOULD GO OUT! They're not fit for fuel!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 18, 2019, 11:18:36 PM
Quote from: nullified on November 18, 2019, 11:16:08 PM
I can top that, for once.

Me: [Outsourced CS company] can be trusted only to ensure we keep our jobs. Nowhere else will you find people whose idea of customer service is to fucking cancel an order a customer asked to expedite.

Coworker: We should launch them into the damn sun.

Me: ARE YOU CRAZY

[blank stares]

Me: THE SUN WOULD GO OUT! They're not fit for fuel!

:lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 10:28:46 PM
My day in pics
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 10:29:21 PM
And this
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 10:29:42 PM
And this

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 19, 2019, 11:19:51 PM
Holy fucking hell.

That's the kind of day that you normally have to pay for.

I have to know what the fuck you did to that deadblow hammer. HAVE to. The People demand it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 19, 2019, 11:49:18 PM
Quote from: nullified on November 19, 2019, 11:19:51 PM
Holy fucking hell.

That's the kind of day that you normally have to pay for.

I have to know what the fuck you did to that deadblow hammer. HAVE to. The People demand it.

I deadblowed a little too hard.  The thing was stuck and wouldn't do the thing, so I did the thing and then copper beads all over the place.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 20, 2019, 12:20:44 AM
:lulz:

That doesn't look like "deadblowed a little too hard" so much as "fed into a wood chipper at high velocity". But then it was Doktor Hamish Howl wielding it, so that's basically correct.

What the fuck were you beating that hard? Legitimately curious. I can't imagine anything for which a deadblow hammer is the correct tool that needs THAT much force.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 20, 2019, 12:31:38 AM
Quote from: nullified on November 20, 2019, 12:20:44 AM
:lulz:

That doesn't look like "deadblowed a little too hard" so much as "fed into a wood chipper at high velocity". But then it was Doktor Hamish Howl wielding it, so that's basically correct.

What the fuck were you beating that hard? Legitimately curious. I can't imagine anything for which a deadblow hammer is the correct tool that needs THAT much force.

A 70 kg plate attached to a cylinder.  The plate was misaligned, causing the cylinder to lock under sideload.  It's one of those rare situations where brute force is the best option.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 23, 2019, 04:46:55 AM
I am on vacation until the 2nd.  My boss asked me to think up a few job ads while I'm gone, in exchange for me not getting otherwise bothered.

OKAY.

#1:  Marketing ace wanted.  We call it a "marketing ace" to get you excited about a soul-crushing job in a hostile industry.  You won't get paid shit, but we also will not actually allow you to do your job, on account of the fact that people need to sign and NDA to even know what services we provide.  You will sit in a cubicle and stare at your screen in anguish, all dreams of Madison Avenue crushed like the enemies of our clients.  We offer a benefits package that would insult someone from an undiscovered tribe in Peru, and will dangle stock options in front of you from time to time.  70+ hour work week, and no needless feelings of accomplishment, or even any validation of your existence.  Apply today!  Masters degree and 80+ years of experience REQUIRED.  Entry level position.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 23, 2019, 04:53:27 AM
If I could do it from Boston and get paid more than 15 dollars an hour I'd be all in. Unfortunately, the masters degree and lifetime experience makes me ineligible by default, because I'm a high school dropout who scares Harvard Professors with the amount of shit I know, and I have never done a lick of the Good Stuff for anything but my own amusement.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 23, 2019, 05:03:45 AM
Quote from: nullified on November 23, 2019, 04:53:27 AM
If I could do it from Boston and get paid more than 15 dollars an hour I'd be all in. Unfortunately, the masters degree and lifetime experience makes me ineligible by default, because I'm a high school dropout who scares Harvard Professors with the amount of shit I know, and I have never done a lick of the Good Stuff for anything but my own amusement.

We have very unrealistic requirements.  Also, you would lose your shit in the first two days, not because everyone's a dick (they aren't), but because our company and our industry are a mass of contradictions, bad signal, and also a bit of a moral abyss.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 23, 2019, 05:06:02 AM
I'm used to moral abysses. Ask me some day about security systems. Really! Ask!

And contradictions and bad signal I get pissed off at and then simply start responding to with malice. They give me deniability, I give them a syphilitic penis to choke on.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 28, 2019, 02:58:40 AM
Billy has been offered a promotion to my level, in our Delaware facility.  It's a career maker for him.

He's nervous about relocating, but I told him to relax, because Delaware has the nicest people in the country, as well as the best drivers.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 28, 2019, 03:03:01 AM
 :lulz: :lulz:

I don't even know what to say, this will end wonderfully for everyone on the east coast. Tucson is COMING FOR US
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 28, 2019, 03:06:32 AM
Quote from: nullified on November 28, 2019, 03:03:01 AM
:lulz: :lulz:

I don't even know what to say, this will end wonderfully for everyone on the east coast. Tucson is COMING FOR US

I was totally lying about Delaware.  They're a pack of assholes that drive like they've been driven blind by methanol consumption.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 04, 2019, 06:24:39 PM
So, while in the process of selling my workplace to pot farmers and some Canadian weirdos, we discovered an old utility easement from 1949 during a records search of our internal property records (which must be made available to the purchaser and the city).  At the time, this part of downtown was still undeveloped desert, and they put the easements in to plan for future roads.  Our facility takes up the equivalent of 4 city blocks, so when the time came, back in the 1970s, the planned road was never made.  The easement remained, forgotten by everyone.

We cannot split the properties between the two buyers without removing the easement. 

The electric company has no records going back that far.

The city's records were eaten by rats in the 1980s (I ran into this exact same problem at the refinery).

The city will not remove the easement without the consent of the power company.  The power company will not sign off because, as far as they know, the easement doesn't exist.

We are now in limbo until we can get a judge that has jurisdiction.  The problem with THAT is that our property borders on O'Odham property (part of the reservation is inside the city limits) and all the city judges have The Fear.  Federal judges will not even look at it because our land is in fact city land.

This is a problem that could only happen in Tucson.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on December 04, 2019, 07:27:13 PM

As only our younger generations could aptly describe: BIG OOF
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 09:46:14 PM
So I got my new assistant today.  His name is Norton.

Norton is adorable.  He has a brand-new, shiny degree in chemistry, and some absolutely absurd notions about how the world operates.  He is also an encyclopedia of movie trivia.  He seems to be about 3 weeks old (I may just be getting older here), and this is his first real job.

What Norton doesn't yet understand is that I didn't need a chemist, I needed an electronics/coding guy.  Which Norton just became, though he won't know this until sometime after Christmas.  I prefer to think of this as Induced Dunning Kruger.  Because he is an expert on chemistry, I will treat him as an expert in servo drives.  I am and will remain deaf to any pleas of ignorance and/or inexperience.

Oddly enough, if it weren't for bastards like me, no progress would ever happen.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on December 19, 2019, 09:52:28 PM
Chemists are weird though. He'll probably take to it just fine, if not obsessively.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 10:48:12 PM
Quote from: Cain on December 19, 2019, 09:52:28 PM
Chemists are weird though. He'll probably take to it just fine, if not obsessively.

I'm kinda counting on that.  I hired him because he's a nerd, and you can never get enough of those.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 19, 2019, 10:49:33 PM
That is an interesting approach.

Benefits: If you want to see him turn colors and start smoking like a tire fire, you can always ask him every few months if he knows anyone who knows anything about chemistry, then say "Never mind" if he volunteers himself.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 11:18:53 PM
Quote from: nullified on December 19, 2019, 10:49:33 PM
That is an interesting approach.

Benefits: If you want to see him turn colors and start smoking like a tire fire, you can always ask him every few months if he knows anyone who knows anything about chemistry, then say "Never mind" if he volunteers himself.

Naw, I like being the nightmare boss, but not like that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on December 20, 2019, 01:59:43 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 09:46:14 PM
What Norton doesn't yet understand is that I didn't need a chemist, I needed an electronics/coding guy.  Which Norton just became, though he won't know this until sometime after Christmas.  I prefer to think of this as Induced Dunning Kruger.  Because he is an expert on chemistry, I will treat him as an expert in servo drives.  I am and will remain deaf to any pleas of ignorance and/or inexperience.

Electricity comes from batteries.  Batteries are chemical.  Therefore, all electrical processes can be reduced to chemical equivalents.  Or something.

But seriously, if Norton is a reasonably bright B.Sc, I'm sure he'll be fine.  A basic grounding in a physical science tends to be transferable to all sort of fields.  Holders of advanced degrees are harder to predict.  With a PhD you could get a rock star, or you could get a prima donna who refuses to get their hands dirty.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 20, 2019, 04:27:54 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on December 20, 2019, 01:59:43 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 19, 2019, 09:46:14 PM
What Norton doesn't yet understand is that I didn't need a chemist, I needed an electronics/coding guy.  Which Norton just became, though he won't know this until sometime after Christmas.  I prefer to think of this as Induced Dunning Kruger.  Because he is an expert on chemistry, I will treat him as an expert in servo drives.  I am and will remain deaf to any pleas of ignorance and/or inexperience.

Electricity comes from batteries.  Batteries are chemical.  Therefore, all electrical processes can be reduced to chemical equivalents.  Or something.

But seriously, if Norton is a reasonably bright B.Sc, I'm sure he'll be fine.  A basic grounding in a physical science tends to be transferable to all sort of fields.  Holders of advanced degrees are harder to predict.  With a PhD you could get a rock star, or you could get a prima donna who refuses to get their hands dirty.

He starts grad school next fall, which means that by law I can pay him in Ramen.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 23, 2019, 05:47:02 PM
Me:  "Welcome aboard, Norton."

Norton:  "Thanks."

Me:  "You're over-dressed."

Norton:  "Excuse me?"

Me:  "If you insist on walking around in nice clothes, soon they will expect all of us to do it.  Worse, they might expect *me* to do it.  Jeans and a collared shirt are acceptable."

Norton:  "Okay."

Me:  "Now, down to business, and I hate to throw you in the deep end on your first day, but we have an urgent task."

Norton:  "That's why I'm here."

Me:  "Very good.  We need to write a vision statement."

Norton "..."

Me:  "What, you thought it was *all* deathbots and no paperwork grind?"

Norton:  "How do you even write one of those?  They seem to be a bunch of words that say exactly nothing."

Me:  "This is true.  I know a guy that has turned that into an art form.  Anyway, you and I have *real* vision, and we won't be doing that."

Norton:  "How about 'the last vendor you'll ever need'?"

Me:  "Oh, you're going to do well.  How about 'Give the archaelogists screaming nightmares'?"

Norton:  "Be the reason the aliens don't know what ever happened to us."

Me:  "Nice."

Norton:  "I just shot Marvin in the face."

Me:  "SOLD!"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on December 23, 2019, 06:37:53 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 23, 2019, 05:47:02 PM
Norton:  "Be the reason the aliens don't know what ever happened to us."
Yup, he'll do.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 23, 2019, 07:02:22 PM
Norton knows just enough about the world he's joined.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 23, 2019, 07:51:11 PM
Quote from: nullified on December 23, 2019, 07:02:22 PM
Norton knows just enough about the world he's joined.

His last suggestion, from Pulp Fiction, is about the most accurate motto for this place that I've ever seen.  Because this is a large collection of smart people that have to be stupid to bring on the future.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 23, 2019, 08:01:19 PM
I'm in the opposite situation: a massive collection of morons trying to hold back a tide of even greater stupid before it crushes us flat.

I have been putting together an exit strategy. Next year it will be yet another piece of roadkill on the side of the smart home IoT road of failure.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 26, 2019, 06:30:25 PM
Quote from: altered on December 23, 2019, 08:01:19 PM
I'm in the opposite situation: a massive collection of morons trying to hold back a tide of even greater stupid before it crushes us flat.

I have been putting together an exit strategy. Next year it will be yet another piece of roadkill on the side of the smart home IoT road of failure.

Where are you going to go where the standard American zero-sum game bullshit doesn't turn everything into poop?

That's the fundamental flaw, of course.  We have been conditioned to accept that there have to be winners and losers.  The concept of "everyone having a life" involved a technical challenge that we are no longer prepared to face.

And that's deliberate, because there is no point in the winners being winners if there are no peasants to lord it over.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on December 26, 2019, 08:25:02 PM
Much though I'd love to say I was escaping the shit, I am a realist and so my goal is only to pick a less horrible variety of shit. This shit is horrible, it could only get worse by being openly bigoted.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:05:39 PM
Norton:  "So, you're a pessimist."

Me:  "No.  No, I am not.  Because optimists AND pessimists have figured out how to be right AND be stupid at the same time."

Norton:  "How's that?"

Me:  "The optimist believes that this is the best of all possible worlds, and the pessimist fears that the optimist is right.  But this is clearly not the best of all possible worlds, that's self-evident.  But it can also always get WORSE, so this is also not the worst of all possible worlds.  What it is, is a world full of half-bright primates that have more engineering skill than brains.  Looking around, that is undeniably a fatal mutation."

Norton:  "So you're a nihilist?"

Me:  "I don't even believe in nihilism."

Norton:  *laughs*

Me:  *straight face*

Norton:  "..."

Me:  *straight face*

Norton:  "So, what DO you believe in?"

Me:  "I believe that if we don't finish this PLC, we aren't taking lunch."

Norton:  "Oh, right."

Me:  "The eschaton waits on no man."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:31:27 PM
Doktor Howl's First Ironclad Rule of Accepting Venture Capital:

"Do not allow the investor signing authority on spending the capital that they have extended."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:42:25 PM
The Hickman Principle:  "During a start up or expansion, the sucker believes that the last man at the table wins.  Always eat first."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:44:54 PM
Howl's Second Law of Venture Capitalism:  "The depth of the pockets of your investors - not their actual investment - is inversely proportional to the amount of control the owner of the company retains."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:46:15 PM
These laws are based on my observation of the woobie that is buying our facility for the purpose of growing pot.  She is in way over her head, the sharks are circling, and she is just now beginning to look worried.  It's far too late for that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:48:41 PM
Howl's Third Law of Venture Capitalism:  If possible, always issue venture capitalists common stock, even if it means giving up votes.  Giving them preferred stock ensures that they eat first at the expense of everything else.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on December 27, 2019, 07:47:24 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:46:15 PM
These laws are based on my observation of the woobie that is buying our facility for the purpose of growing pot.  She is in way over her head, the sharks are circling, and she is just now beginning to look worried.  It's far too late for that.
Everybody wants to get in on the ground floor, but hardly anyone bothers to check the elevator inspection certificate.

Or the "recalibration-due-by" date on the gas pump, for that matter.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 07:52:43 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on December 27, 2019, 07:47:24 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 27, 2019, 05:46:15 PM
These laws are based on my observation of the woobie that is buying our facility for the purpose of growing pot.  She is in way over her head, the sharks are circling, and she is just now beginning to look worried.  It's far too late for that.
Everybody wants to get in on the ground floor, but hardly anyone bothers to check the elevator inspection certificate.

Or the "recalibration-due-by" date on the gas pump, for that matter.

Well, yeah.

But in this case, it is a sad case of someone who didn't educate herself enough to even understand the business model of her investors.

Step 1:  Invest in 10 companies.  9 will fail, one will cover your investments and deliver a profit, AND
Step 2:  Set all 10 up to be cannibalized, so that you shrink your exposure and maximize your profits on the one that DOES deliver.

Goal:  20+% profit over 24 months.

"These people are not your partners."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 08:27:18 PM
Today, at work:

Me:  "Norton, you can judge your clout by the angle of your monitor to your office door."

Norton:  "Okay..."

Me:  "It's absolutely true.  If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager."

Norton:  "I don't have a door."

Me:  "You're new."

Norton:  "I don't have an office."

Me:  "You're an engineer."

Norton:  "My desk is in a hallway."

Me:  "You're a new engineer."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 09:33:00 PM
(It bears mentioning that he's not an engineer.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on January 03, 2020, 10:17:54 PM
When he gets more clout he can go back to not being an engineer
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 11:08:45 PM
Quote from: Faust on January 03, 2020, 10:17:54 PM
When he gets more clout he can go back to not being an engineer

Yes.  That will take a while.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 03, 2020, 11:25:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 08:27:18 PM
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on January 04, 2020, 08:29:52 AM
Quote from: kiss my axe on January 03, 2020, 11:25:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 08:27:18 PM
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.

My job will compensate us up to $300 per year for "Fitness equipment" if we take the health assessment (blood test and questionaire(I lied about my mental health, tee hee)) and apparently "fitness equipment" includes an apple i-watch since it includes a heart-rate monitor, so it's basically a $300 fitbit, with internets.


My dumb ass bought a $400 home gym, and now I have to get rid of my couch to make room for it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 05, 2020, 07:42:32 PM
Quote from: Bruno on January 04, 2020, 08:29:52 AM
Quote from: kiss my axe on January 03, 2020, 11:25:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 08:27:18 PM
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.

My job will compensate us up to $300 per year for "Fitness equipment" if we take the health assessment (blood test and questionaire(I lied about my mental health, tee hee)) and apparently "fitness equipment" includes an apple i-watch since it includes a heart-rate monitor, so it's basically a $300 fitbit, with internets.


My dumb ass bought a $400 home gym, and now I have to get rid of my couch to make room for it.

Or you could just flip the home gym. With decent benefits like that, I'm guessing they'd pay for a membership somewhere?

Hey, where is Dok?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 06, 2020, 12:41:05 AM
Quote from: kiss my axe on January 05, 2020, 07:42:32 PM
Quote from: Bruno on January 04, 2020, 08:29:52 AM
Quote from: kiss my axe on January 03, 2020, 11:25:28 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 03, 2020, 08:27:18 PM
If your monitor is facing your door, you are a pleb.  If your monitor is perpendicular to your door, you are somewhere in the middle.  If your monitor faces directly away from your door, you are the general manager.

Fact.
The big fish can fuck off online openly, while the little fish must be stealthy.
There's people at my job who dropped $400 on smartwatches just to get fucked up internet.

My job will compensate us up to $300 per year for "Fitness equipment" if we take the health assessment (blood test and questionaire(I lied about my mental health, tee hee)) and apparently "fitness equipment" includes an apple i-watch since it includes a heart-rate monitor, so it's basically a $300 fitbit, with internets.


My dumb ass bought a $400 home gym, and now I have to get rid of my couch to make room for it.

Or you could just flip the home gym. With decent benefits like that, I'm guessing they'd pay for a membership somewhere?

Hey, where is Dok?

I've been binge-watching the entirely of Star Trek Discovery.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on January 06, 2020, 01:00:12 AM
Thoughts?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 06, 2020, 01:11:55 AM
Yes, is it OK?
I'm guessing it must be if you could binge watched it without doing this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTn2kSKA0b8 (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zTn2kSKA0b8)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 06, 2020, 03:16:32 AM
Quote from: Cain on January 06, 2020, 01:00:12 AM
Thoughts?

The first 10 minutes of season 1, episode 1 were some of the worst dialogue I've ever seen.  Bear in mind, I have seen Lost in Translation when I say that.

THAT BEING SAID:  After that (so far, we watched eps 1-4 today), the rest of it is fucking awesome.  Granted, giant space tardigrade and mushroom-driven stardrives are kind of a stretch, but so is the basis of all the Star Treks, really.

The retcon on the Klingons was interesting.  My son was blowing the raspberry at that, until I pointed out what's happened to Western civilization in 3 years, and they had a hundred years to fuck it all up.

1,000,000 BONUS EMPEROR POINTS FOR HAVING A SHIP COVERED IN COFFINS.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on January 06, 2020, 03:31:52 AM
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'd agree with all of that. There was nothing too egregiously bad in it (putting aside the first 10 minutes), and the bits that are are definitely no worse than any other Trek. Once the main outline of the season story becomes clearer, it gets noticeably better, too.

And I think you'll really dig season 2, once you get to it. No spoilers, but Anson Mount was pretty much perfect in his role.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 06, 2020, 03:53:11 AM
Quote from: Cain on January 06, 2020, 03:31:52 AM
I'm glad you enjoyed it.

I'd agree with all of that. There was nothing too egregiously bad in it (putting aside the first 10 minutes), and the bits that are are definitely no worse than any other Trek. Once the main outline of the season story becomes clearer, it gets noticeably better, too.

And I think you'll really dig season 2, once you get to it. No spoilers, but Anson Mount was pretty much perfect in his role.

I'm looking forward to it.  We finish season one tomorrow.

So far, it's already tied with Enterprise as my favorite Trek.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 14, 2020, 04:24:15 PM
Today, at work:

Norton:  "Why did we buy $1.1 Mn of something we don't actually have a product for yet?"

Me:  "Because the purchasing mob's key process indicators involve lowering cost per unit.  The less they pay for something, the bigger their bonus."

Norton:  "But this is something we don't need."

Me:  "That's not part of their KPI.  It's just cost per unit."

Norton:  "That's stupid."

Me:  "Not if you're sitting in their seat.  Now, if it were me setting this sort of thing up, I would insist that a person get KPIs that conflict with each other, which might force them to think things through, rather than KPIs that conflict with the company's interest."

Norton:  "Well, yeah."

Me:  "But it isn't me.  My job is to move fast and break things.  I think I have the better deal."

Norton:  "What are my KPIs?"

Me:  "Find better ways to build things that move fast and break things."

Norton:  "What are your KPIs?"

Me:  "I don't have any.  I don't even have to be revenue-neutral.  My job is to maintain the level of amorality that keeps the company as a whole profitable."

Norton:  "Doing well by doing whatever?"

Me:  "Spot on.  You know, in the movies, I would be the bad guy.  I would be the dumbass exec that can't see past the next ten minutes.  And then I'd be eaten by aliens."

Norton:  "That doesn't sound like a very good deal."

Me:  "Rubbish.  If you watch the movie, everyone gets eaten by aliens.  The difference is, before we all get eaten, I get better food and I dress much nicer than marines do."

Norton:  "That seems a little bit short-sighted."

Me:  "Here for a good time, Norton, not for a long time."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2020, 05:28:57 PM
Norton had his two girlfriends come by for a tour of the plant (the part that they're allowed to see) this morning.

So.

Norton is a chemistry grad student, who can apparently even dance well.  His two (2) girlfriends are also grad students, who seem to have been abducted from a Victoria's Secret photo shoot, who ALSO seem to have no trouble whatsoever with this whole poly thing.  And Norton is smart enough to realize that he isn't the dominant partner in the organization...That would be Laurie, who is made out of muscle and sheer charisma.  Renee is the tiny one, who smiles like she just cut you with a straight razor.

It occurs to me that I hate Norton.  All right-thinking people should hate Norton.  Not because of the poly thing, of course, but because he's doing it too well, and on TOP of all of this, Norton is one of those bastards that has never had a zit in his life. 

So if you're wondering where your share of the fun went, now you know.  You can hate Norton, too.

Just don't do it front of Renee, because she's terrifying.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2020, 10:56:22 PM
Sometimes, my job delivers on its promises.

We have a seemingly easy but actually VERY difficult technical problem to address, and it's something that nobody ever got around to doing before.

I'm so happy.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 21, 2020, 02:30:02 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2020, 05:28:57 PM
So if you're wondering where your share of the fun went, now you know.  You can hate Norton, too.
:argh!:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on January 22, 2020, 10:03:17 PM
I'm mad jealous of Norton, despite not being emotionally wired for polyamory. But at least he recognizes his place in the pecking order.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 02:44:06 AM
I have never claimed to be a genius, or even particularly intelligent.

But this week, I just sort of SAW the solutions to a few problems that were stumping us.  It was like being able to see three moves ahead in chess.  In fact, the solutions were so obvious that I felt stupid for not seeing those solutions 5 months ago.

And then, to my surprise, over the last 3 days, I implemented those solutions...And they worked.

So, for like 72 hours, I think I understand how Oppenheimer must have felt, back in the day.

And one of the solutions was so BLOODY OBVIOUS that I can't believe nobody has seen it since the technology that made it possible was invented 37 years ago.

And now, after the paperwork slog is over, I'll have my name on a patent for something useful.

Then today, it struck me:  I have completed my bucket list.  That bucket list consisted of:

1.  Write a book. (2009)
2.  Invent something worthy of patenting. (Now)
3.  Jump out of a plane. (1987)
4.  Watch my children graduate. (2011 & 2014)
5.  Spend some time in Europe as a civilian. (2008-2011)

Now I have run out of the things.  And I have probably 45 years left, if my family history means anything.  So now I need a new list.  Something bigger than the old list, of course.  You don't downgrade your challenges when you level up.  So the list has to be grotesque.

This bears thinking about.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on January 23, 2020, 05:50:52 AM

One of the things i've learnt, is that -you'll probably disagree, but bear with me- people are far more inteligent than we give them credit for. I'll give that people act like retards, or primitive man, but for the most part that's inertia and the path of least resistance.

But to the related thing to all that, which is my main point is that: people with the cognitive mental whatever tools to do great things, are held back by emotional short-circuits or whatever similar analogy/metaphor.

So I wonder if you've been at a better mental place when you achieved those things... focused drive without background emotional "static" interfering, having periods of a type of calm, happiness or idk?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 23, 2020, 12:59:28 PM
Some suggestions for your new bucket list, realistic or otherwise. Some are just natural extensions of your stated bucket list.

Start a political movement / religious cult, complete with articles of incorporation and all other documents in order necessary to be recognized as "real" legally and see it through until it gains influence and notoriety in the popular culture. Do not play for traditional power, but recognition only.

Jump out of a flying airplane into another flying airplane.

Establish communion with the Divine, you may need a God helmet, and punch it in the dick.

Invent something worthy of hiding from the rest of humanity at all cost.

Watch your children's children's children graduate.

Spend some time in North Korea as a civilian "consultant".

Send emails to 25 influential public figures that you sincerely admire in earnest attempt to establish rapport, but with your usual brutal honesty. Never fail to reply as long as they do.

Learn a new language and become a student of its native literature.

REDACTED
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 23, 2020, 01:07:36 PM
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: I'm sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 05:29:41 PM
Quote from: altered on January 23, 2020, 01:07:36 PM
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: I'm sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)

It will actually help drive lots of things.  Maybe even quality of life.  Maybe.  But it moves me closer to MY goal in the process.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 24, 2020, 01:25:11 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 05:29:41 PM
Quote from: altered on January 23, 2020, 01:07:36 PM
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: I'm sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)

It will actually help drive lots of things.  Maybe even quality of life.  Maybe.  But it moves me closer to MY goal in the process.

I have hair.
I still want my recreational cannibalism, DAMNIT.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 24, 2020, 02:14:12 AM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 24, 2020, 01:25:11 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 05:29:41 PM
Quote from: altered on January 23, 2020, 01:07:36 PM
It occurs to me that I need to offer Dok my condolences.

Whether through misfortune or through insufficient forward thinking, he has doubtlessly improved the lives of dozens of primates at the very least. In the most extreme case, he might have fundamentally changed life for the better for all these stinking apes, however unlikely that may be.

While this has happened in the past, such as when he introduced recreational cannibalism to popular culture, this is not a case of unintended consequences or public misinterpretation. No, Hamish has no one to blame but himself for helping improve the lives of definitely some hairless monkeys. There is no one else to blame.

So I would just like to say: I'm sorry, and it will get worse again soon. It ALWAYS does. Promise.





(Also, NICE. This is awesome. Congrats!)

It will actually help drive lots of things.  Maybe even quality of life.  Maybe.  But it moves me closer to MY goal in the process.

I have hair.
I still want my recreational cannibalism, DAMNIT.

You don't have hair, you have Morgellons.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on January 24, 2020, 11:51:21 PM
It's like coke bugs, then?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 25, 2020, 12:03:18 AM
Except with hair, and no coke. Otherwise, basically yeah. :lulz: It's a rabbit hole of crazy worth going down, all these people have lost the narrative of reality years ago and now conspiracy theories keep them from coming back.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:08:43 PM
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on January 29, 2020, 05:13:50 PM
The PLC is probably right, Maine is supposed to be lovely this time of year
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:15:47 PM
Quote from: Faust on January 29, 2020, 05:13:50 PM
The PLC is probably right, Maine is supposed to be lovely this time of year

Maine is never lovely.

I am more concerned that Hirley0 may have been even more correct than I thought.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2020, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:08:43 PM
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 06:15:38 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2020, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:08:43 PM
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 29, 2020, 07:48:50 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 06:15:38 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2020, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:08:43 PM
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0

You can only seek without finding Hirley0, or find Hirley0 without seeking. Which may mean Hirley0 is the essence of the Tao or some shit, IDK.

But on that note...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on January 29, 2020, 08:00:06 PM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on January 29, 2020, 07:48:50 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 06:15:38 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2020, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:08:43 PM
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0

You can only seek without finding Hirley0, or find Hirley0 without seeking. Which may mean Hirley0 is the essence of the Tao or some shit, IDK.

But on that note...

The mystery was always staring us in the face. His name wasn't Hirley1 for a reason.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 29, 2020, 09:49:19 PM
Quote from: tyrannosaurus vex on January 29, 2020, 08:00:06 PM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on January 29, 2020, 07:48:50 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 06:15:38 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2020, 06:12:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2020, 05:08:43 PM
So, programming a new controller that we haven't used before.

One of the parameters wasn't right and it displayed:

Error 009; default to main?

As God is my witness, I have no idea what I should do.
Hunt down whoever is responsible for that useless error message and punch them continuously until they fix it.
Keep punching them for a while after they've fixed it, too, as a matter of general principle.

One does not hunt down Hirley0

You can only seek without finding Hirley0, or find Hirley0 without seeking. Which may mean Hirley0 is the essence of the Tao or some shit, IDK.

But on that note...

The mystery was always staring us in the face. His name wasn't Hirley1 for a reason.

I just attempted to enter "hirley" into Google translate. It is not found among the languages of humanity, even as a proper noun. The translation language detector desperately insisted that it must be an English word after I tremblingly tapped enter, perhaps because it knows I speak English by my location, and yet it has absolutely no definition anywhere at all. It's a complete lack of definition merged with a "0". So I asked Google what sort of number 0 was.

Quote0 is a rational, whole, integer and real number. Some definitions include it as a natural number and some don't (starting at 1 instead).Jun 28, 2015 

Being whole, yet of no substance
Being rational, yet without self definition
Being an integer, yet nonexistent
Being real, and yet an expression of non-realness

Let us not argue about naturalness, it would be unseemly. Hirley0 is only defined by Hirley0.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Pergamos on January 30, 2020, 12:44:08 AM
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.  I mean, you can, but the resulting number is not rational, real, or even complex or imaginary.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on January 30, 2020, 01:55:58 AM
Quote from: Pergamos on January 30, 2020, 12:44:08 AM
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.  I mean, you can, but the resulting number is not rational, real, or even complex or imaginary.

I have it on good authority that all you have to do is breathe properly and it all becomes much more tolerable, if not actually ok.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2020, 12:58:23 PM
Quote from: Pergamos on January 30, 2020, 12:44:08 AM
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on January 31, 2020, 01:30:26 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2020, 12:58:23 PM
Quote from: Pergamos on January 30, 2020, 12:44:08 AM
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.


You're just gonna go giving the secrets away, aren't you?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2020, 01:39:38 PM
Quote from: LMNO on January 31, 2020, 01:30:26 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2020, 12:58:23 PM
Quote from: Pergamos on January 30, 2020, 12:44:08 AM
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.


You're just gonna go giving the secrets away, aren't you?

Blame L'hospital.  He already spilled the beans.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Pergamos on February 01, 2020, 11:50:40 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2020, 12:58:23 PM
Quote from: Pergamos on January 30, 2020, 12:44:08 AM
0 as a rational number kind of makes my brain hurt, since you can't divide by zero and ratios are division.

Yes you can.

well yeah,  I went on to say you could...
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 04, 2020, 02:23:42 AM
Today:

Me:  "So I found out what the smell was that everyone was complaining about."

Norton:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "The drain over in the dip room went manky.  Some kind of weird algae.  Smelled like raver ass crack."

Norton:  "How do you know what  raver ass crack smells like?"

Me:  *stares for 2 seconds too long*

Norton:  "Um, right.  So what did you do about it?"

Me:  "A poured some phosphates down the drain."

Norton:  "Wait.  Back up.  You poured phosphates on algae?"

Me:  "Damn skippy."

Norton:  "That won't kill it, that will make it ten times worse!"

Me: "stares for 5 seconds too long*

Norton:  "You aren't what I was expecting when I applied."

Me:  "Life is full of tiny disappointments."

Norton:  "I was expecting science, not horror."

Me:  "Horror IS science.  And vice versa."

Norton:  "Is it wrong to have expected NORMAL science?"

Me:  "Marie Curie sewed through her own face with a radium-soaked thread.  Isaac Newton sold slaves.  Einstein liked to have sex dressed up as a baby."

Norton:  "You just made that last one up."

Me:  "You want I should prove it?"

Norton:  "No."

Me:  "This is SCIENCE, Norton.  Everything you look at is horrible, but you look anyway.  Because you gotta.  If you have the soul of a scientist, you have no choice.  You just GOTTA look at the pic of Einstein boner in a diaper."

Norton:  "JESUS H CHRIST, BOSS!"

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: tyrannosaurus vex on February 04, 2020, 02:35:53 AM
My favorite part of the Scientific Method is "if any doubt remains, proceed at full speed and see what's on the other side"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 04, 2020, 03:11:00 AM
Quote from: tyrannosaurus vex on February 04, 2020, 02:35:53 AM
My favorite part of the Scientific Method is "if any doubt remains, proceed at full speed and see what's on the other side"

Damn right.

And no matter how fucked up the data looks, it's telling you the truth.  Even that part of the data.  ESPECIALLY that part of the data.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 11, 2020, 11:23:13 PM
10 brutal hours today, but we closed the deal.

I have successfully sold our weapons manufacturing plant to pot farming hippies.

I don't know whether to be proud or to throw myself into the Rillito river out of sheer self-disgust.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 05:53:25 PM
Norton:  "How did you ever get to be such a terrible person?"

Me:  "This level of moral failure isn't easy.  I was forced to start at the top and work my way down."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 06:58:18 PM
Me:  "So we have like three shell companies, who through various manipulations on paperwork own 49% of each other."

Norton:  "Why 49%."

Me:  "So that no company has controlling interest.  That's very important."

Norton:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "Yeah.  I buy parts from one company at 40% markup, that company pays tax on the income.  Then I sell to one of the other companies at a 10% loss, but at a volume that lets me take a nice tax cut that comes in at around 11%.  AND keeps competitors from joining the market.  It's all nice and legal, provided I accept no other contracts at a higher price."

Norton:  "Wait wait wait. Where does this money wind up?"

Me:  "De jure or de facto?"

Norton:  "Both."

Me:  "In the owner's pocket."

Norton:  "So we are selling for less than we paid, and turning a profit?"

Me:  "Yep.  It works out to about a 2% profit, but in transactions of this size, that's a LOT of cabbage."

Norton:  "This has to be illegal."

Me:  "Nope.  We're not publicly traded, so none of the SEC crap applies."

Norton:  "So he takes money out of one of his pockets and puts it in the other pocket, but there's 2% MORE?  Where does the actual profit COME from?"

Me:  "The United States Treasury, which is to say "us."

Norton:  "So the old man successfully robbed himself."

Me:  "And made out like a bandit."

Norton:  "This is a terrible place."

Me:  "In Asshat Ego, pleb."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on February 12, 2020, 08:44:15 PM
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 10:04:03 PM
Quote from: Faust on February 12, 2020, 08:44:15 PM
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on February 13, 2020, 12:43:46 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 10:04:03 PM
Quote from: Faust on February 12, 2020, 08:44:15 PM
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.

It's hard to say in the context of capitalism, but perhaps because the paperwork would be too much of a hassle to turn a profit for them when they're making so much already?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 01:09:19 AM
Quote from: The Johnny on February 13, 2020, 12:43:46 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2020, 10:04:03 PM
Quote from: Faust on February 12, 2020, 08:44:15 PM
That is horrifying, and makes me wonder how many other companies are doing the same

What's odd is that when I was working for the oil company, they never played games like this, and they were moving literally billions of Euro around every month.

It's hard to say in the context of capitalism, but perhaps because the paperwork would be too much of a hassle to turn a profit for them when they're making so much already?

When money rolls in that fast, why take chances?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 08:15:51 PM
Norton:  "Why does the boss call you 'a fucking wizard'?"

Me:  "Because I can change reality just by doing unit conversions in Excel."

Norton:  "I'm going to need you to explain that."

Me:  "Easy.  You see that dude over there?"

Norton:  "Yeah."

Me:  "Okay, his group makes the company a profit of $800,000/year.  Sounds good, right?"

Norton:  "It's not bad."

Me:  "BUT that is $2191/day.  Now, this his part of the building costs me $0.54/square foot/day, and so that comes up to $2500/day.  So his group is running at a deficit.  Therefore he is bad for the company."

Norton:  "Do you count our square footage against us?"

Me:  "No."

Norton:  "Why not?"

Me:  "Nobody has ordered me to do so."

Norton:  "And what if they do?"

Me:  "I will simply find another variable that makes my group profitable.  They're out there.  Reality isn't important.  The way it is presented is important."

Norton:  "I fucking hate it here."

Me:  "So why do you stay?"

Norton:  "The girls say that this is good for me."

Me:  "Where do you come from, Norton?"

Norton:  "Nebraska."

Me:  Then this IS good for you, Norton."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 08:28:08 PM
Also today:

Norton:  "Have you guys ever tried being, you know, ethical and moral?"

Me:  "You can't do both at the same time."

Norton:  "That's ridiculous."

Dave:  "Norton, do you ever stop to think about what we DO here?"

Me:  "He's right.  When we do things that are good for the company, we hurt humanity.  When we act as responsible corporate officers, we are being ethical, but when we commit senseless and destructive acts of office politics and skullduggery, we are harming the company and thus being moral."

Norton:  "And you guys think by alternating, you can balance the ledger out?"

Dave:  "Nope."

Me:  "Mostly we just do whatever pops into our heads on any given day."

Norton:  "..."

Dave:  "Welcome to hell, kid."

Me:  "This is all normal."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 13, 2020, 09:12:46 PM
Just want to reiterate the phrase from fb
"Moral Power Bottom".

Something to aspire to for most, but I think you're setting the standard just by being you.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on February 13, 2020, 09:54:07 PM
Did Norton not know what he was walking into? You can't work for a weapons manufacturer and be moral.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 09:59:06 PM
Quote from: Juana on February 13, 2020, 09:54:07 PM
Did Norton not know what he was walking into? You can't work for a weapons manufacturer and be moral.

Well, yeah.  I mean, if it was world war two, working for a weapons manufacturer was a virtue.

Now we're working on ways to ensure that the victims of our policies can't even fight back.  It's even worse than it appears.  Say you get invaded by the USA, and you're not really wild about it.  So you and some like-minded individuals start talking about it.  In person, because your phone and your laptop are spies.

But there's another spy, about the size of a spider that crawled in and parked on the underside of a piece of furniture, live-streaming your conversations, imaging your face and body mass, etc.

Then one day, when they've learned all they can about your organization and you are of no further use as an intel source, a different kind of thing follows you home.  And that, as they say, is that.

There are no conditions that make this moral.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:01:07 PM
And you don't stop rocking.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 13, 2020, 10:26:49 PM
Shit they did everything but put tits on Santa.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:40:32 PM
Funny thing is, Norton started out with a sense of humor about all this stuff.

Then one day, he noticed he was the only one laughing.   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 13, 2020, 10:41:39 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 08:28:08 PM
Norton:  "And you guys think by alternating, you can balance the ledger out?"
Norton seems to be suffering from a misconception.

Good and evil don't cancel each other out, they're independently cumulative.  If you "accidentally" spill a cup of salt into the soup, you can't take it out again, even by adding a cup of sugar.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:58:17 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on February 13, 2020, 10:41:39 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 08:28:08 PM
Norton:  "And you guys think by alternating, you can balance the ledger out?"
Norton seems to be suffering from a misconception.

Good and evil don't cancel each other out, they're independently cumulative.  If you "accidentally" spill a cup of salt into the soup, you can't take it out again, even by adding a cup of sugar.

I think he thought WE thought that you could do that.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 13, 2020, 10:59:02 PM
What's funny here is that you can trace my career arc in this thread from "we need to fix shit" to "how can we help the humans off themselves?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 14, 2020, 07:24:55 PM
So Norton asked me, today, what exactly was wrong with me.

Nothing is wrong with me.  Something is wrong with EVERY OTHER BASTARD.  This is really simple.  We came up as a cooperative species who now cannot cooperate on anything because they've bought that ridiculous "rugged individualist" poison, as if you cannot be an individual *and* a member of society.  We went to the moon and then just stopped.  We set off nuclear devices inside of our own atmosphere.  We are good at nothing but engineering and all of our engineering is dictated by the most crass, horrible aspects of our limited monkey brains.

So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch. 

If humans can't act right, I guess we have to start all over again with something else...But while I know, as you know, that humans are arranging their own extinction quite handily, I prefer something that will speak to alien archaeologists.  It will specifically say "shit your pants, you bug-eyed freak".  I mean, it's not TOO much to ask that some of the work I have had a hand in might remain dormant but functional long enough for some up and coming pack of idiotically-optimistic aliens to come along.

They will say "Whatever happened to this proud and noble species of primate?  And did you hear something just now, back by the aft hatch?"

Yeah, just like in countless science fiction/horror films, where humans activate some ancient alien horror, only this will be REAL horror, because that sort of thing is what HUMANS are good at.  It's like leaving landmines in farm fields after a war ends.  We do that pretty good, too.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on February 15, 2020, 01:01:30 AM
Did he get a little wild eyed?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 15, 2020, 01:47:58 AM
Quote
So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch.

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

I know you're dead serious about this, but you have given me joy here.

If he tries to cite any of that in a social move against you you must of course deny any accurate recollection, you've had a case of the brain flukes after all(if it gets litigious you're LITERALLY telling the truth hete and can back it up with certified medical records if forced to allow limited release of your proprietary information, won't that be a pleasant surprise) and immediately accuse him by implication of trying to misportray your words. If asked to say what you think you may have meant from there the sky's the limit. It's the flukes that make you do it.

Remember the gluestick. This is like a magic gluestick.
I'm...
I'm almost
Afraid to tap
Post
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 03:05:12 AM
Quote from: Juana on February 15, 2020, 01:01:30 AM
Did he get a little wild eyed?

He seemed a little startled.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 03:05:48 AM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on February 15, 2020, 01:47:58 AM
Quote
So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch.

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

I know you're dead serious about this, but you have given me joy here.

If he tries to cite any of that in a social move against you you must of course deny any accurate recollection, you've had a case of the brain flukes after all(if it gets litigious you're LITERALLY telling the truth hete and can back it up with certified medical records if forced to allow limited release of your proprietary information, won't that be a pleasant surprise) and immediately accuse him by implication of trying to misportray your words. If asked to say what you think you may have meant from there the sky's the limit. It's the flukes that make you do it.

Remember the gluestick. This is like a magic gluestick.
I'm...
I'm almost
Afraid to tap
Post


At what point do you think my bosses would frown on that sort of insanity?  :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on February 15, 2020, 04:33:15 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 03:05:12 AM
Quote from: Juana on February 15, 2020, 01:01:30 AM
Did he get a little wild eyed?

He seemed a little startled.   :lol:
So, is Norton not going to make it?  It sounds like he's beginning to crack under the strain.

"No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 15, 2020, 04:55:50 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 03:05:48 AM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on February 15, 2020, 01:47:58 AM
Quote
So I guess maybe there IS something wrong with me.  I'm a misanthrope that would make Goddamn AGENT SMITH come across as a mamby-pamby bleeding heart hippie son of a bitch.

:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

I know you're dead serious about this, but you have given me joy here.

If he tries to cite any of that in a social move against you you must of course deny any accurate recollection, you've had a case of the brain flukes after all(if it gets litigious you're LITERALLY telling the truth hete and can back it up with certified medical records if forced to allow limited release of your proprietary information, won't that be a pleasant surprise) and immediately accuse him by implication of trying to misportray your words. If asked to say what you think you may have meant from there the sky's the limit. It's the flukes that make you do it.

Remember the gluestick. This is like a magic gluestick.
I'm...
I'm almost
Afraid to tap
Post


At what point do you think my bosses would frown on that sort of insanity?  :lol:

I mean... call me a contingency kinda thinker  :)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 07:13:43 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on February 15, 2020, 04:33:15 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 15, 2020, 03:05:12 AM
Quote from: Juana on February 15, 2020, 01:01:30 AM
Did he get a little wild eyed?

He seemed a little startled.   :lol:
So, is Norton not going to make it?  It sounds like he's beginning to crack under the strain.

"No live organism can continue for long to exist sanely under conditions of absolute reality."

Norton is going to be just fine.  I am a Doktor.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 18, 2020, 07:33:09 PM
Things that got said at work today:

Me:  "Of course my smile is unsettling.  That's because I'm not smiling, I'm GRINNING."

Dave:  "The next person to ask questions when I ask if there are questions gets to write a full-page vision statement about how questions are a non-performing strategy."

IT Bear:  "How come Hamish gets to dance in his office and nobody yells at him, but if I do it it's 'unprofessional'?"

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 27, 2020, 08:46:42 PM
Things that got said at work today:

Me:  "Covid19 is a kill-stealing son of a bitch."

Me:  "Can everyone please not die from the horrible virus until after May 1st?  We have some deadlines, here."

Norton:  "David's doing that thing in his office again.  We better order some drywall."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 27, 2020, 09:01:29 PM
Me (To Norton):  "Remember that Saturday is leap year day, and God can't see anything you do.  So have fun."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 27, 2020, 11:04:44 PM
My boss threw his desk today.

I am impressed.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:07:12 AM
They posted these in the bathrooms at work today.

https://www.cdc.gov/healthywater/pdf/hygiene/keep-calm-wash-your-hands_8.5x11.pdf


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 AM
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:37:40 AM
Quote from: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 AM
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Quote from: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:37:40 AM
Quote from: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 AM
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 28, 2020, 04:51:58 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Quote from: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:37:40 AM
Quote from: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 AM
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Many managers lack foresight, unfortunately.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 05:19:49 PM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on February 28, 2020, 04:51:58 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Quote from: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:37:40 AM
Quote from: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 AM
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Many managers lack foresight, unfortunately.

It's not even that.  It's petty authority.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on February 28, 2020, 05:26:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 05:19:49 PM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on February 28, 2020, 04:51:58 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Quote from: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:37:40 AM
Quote from: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 AM
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Many managers lack foresight, unfortunately.

It's not even that.  It's petty authority.
Yeah. I should be grateful that petty tyrants tend to be... Predictable in lashing out and suppression of dissent. That predictability has helped me immensely in certain recent projects. It's very unpleasant to be subjected to though. I fucking refuse to be, but know when I have an advantage in seeming to.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on March 02, 2020, 07:46:33 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 28, 2020, 01:44:15 PM
Quote from: Bruno on February 28, 2020, 08:37:40 AM
Quote from: Cain on February 28, 2020, 08:14:41 AM
The thing is, it works. It really does. Washing your hands on a regular basis can cut infection rates by up to 70%.

That's good news for me. Most everybody I work with goes to the bathroom for 10+ minutes 3-4 times a day just to check their facebook, and, of course, have to wash their hands afterwards for realism.

Okay, so that's 30 minutes of lost production in exchange for not having the flu or this weird ass shit rip through your workplace.

I fail to see how managers get upset about this.

Right? I mean that's just a small fraction of the production lost because of engineering screw ups, and where's the ROI on that?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2020, 08:34:03 PM
Today I learned that a culture that can make 65" 4G monitors will use those monitors for morale by having messages on them that say things like: "We're never to [sic] busy for quality."

My morale is now measurably lower.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on March 02, 2020, 08:34:54 PM
That is glorious.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2020, 08:35:39 PM
Quote from: LMNO on March 02, 2020, 08:34:54 PM
That is glorious.

Everything is awful and I only want to die.   :sad:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on March 02, 2020, 08:37:40 PM
It's a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2020, 08:38:43 PM
Quote from: altered on March 02, 2020, 08:37:40 PM
It's a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.

I shall not suffer alone.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on March 02, 2020, 08:40:58 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2020, 08:38:43 PM
Quote from: altered on March 02, 2020, 08:37:40 PM
It's a keeper, I say. Frame it. Enlarge it in Paint. Print out a thousand pages that are meant to be taped together to make a billboard sized version of it. Mix up just enough pages to make it noticeable. Hang it off of an office building before security notices.

I shall not suffer alone.

That's really all anyone can ask for in life.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 12, 2020, 10:48:31 PM
Norton:  "So, what, we move the lab where?  Casa fucking Grand?"

Me:  "No.  Somewhere local."

Norton:  *looks at me dubiously*

Me:  "Have I ever lied to you, Norton?"

Norton:  "Yes.  Very yes.  Like every fucking thing you've ever said to me since we met."

Me:  "People who cast aspersions on their elders come to bad ends."

Norton:  "You said you hired me as a chemist.  You hired to me to crunch numbers."

Me:  "Details."

Norton:  "You said I could have actual weekends."

Me:  "The marketplace is a strange and terrible place."

Norton:  "You said we were building a better world."

Me:  "We are, depending on whose definition of 'better' you use."

Norton:  "AND you said that David liked to be called 'Big Poppa'."

Me:  "He does.  He just has odd ways of returning your esteem."

Norton:  "The fucking POINT is, you always lie to me."

Me:  "No, Norton, that is an illusion caused by the fact that the truth is a mutable thing.  What is true today may not be true tomorrow.  What is true in my head may not be true in the sidereal universe."

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "Did I say that last part out loud?"

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."

Norton:  "No it is not.  You are a fucking lunatic."

Me:  "But I am the lunatic that signs your overly-large paychecks, Norton.  That is how the system works and we..."

Norton:  "Don't fucking say it."

Me:  "We don't question the system."

Norton:  "This isn't how I expected my life to turn out."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on March 12, 2020, 11:38:32 PM
Will he ever learn?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 13, 2020, 02:28:41 PM
Quote from: Juana on March 12, 2020, 11:38:32 PM
Will he ever learn?

Not if he knows what's good for him.  :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 14, 2020, 11:17:42 PM
This morning at the lab:

Now-beardless Brian:  "I thought we were shaving our beards off for the virus thing."

Norton:  "That was disinformation."

Brian:  "Hamish told me the CDC said it was a thing."

Norton & Hamish:  *stares in Norton & Hamish*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2020, 11:46:20 PM
Things that got said at work today:

Me:  "We are now in a race with the coronavirus, and I'll be damned if some virus is going to outpace modern weapons technology."

David:  "I would trade half of my management team for a cold pizza and a 30 minute break."

Norton:  "I feel like I fell into Wonderland, only the rabbit has fangs and the hatter is the only person talking sense."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2020, 05:16:39 PM
Norton: *answers skype*

Me: "WHEEZE COUGH FUCK YOU GASSSSP"

Norton: "Yes, it shipped on time."

Me: "HACK COUGH SPIT USELESS BASTARD HORK"

Norton: "You look great. Hang in there."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 19, 2020, 10:05:50 PM
Skype is really the best thing ever, especially when remote desktop is added to it.

I can, from my sickbed, suddenly just *show up* on my employees' screens, croaking out menacing nonsense while they try to pretend they weren't fucking off on social media.

I don't need them to do anything right now, it's just that, you know, you gotta have a laugh.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 20, 2020, 01:55:29 AM
*Skype turns on*

James:  "You just scared the hell out of me, boss."

Me:  "James.  I want you to go to the lab and BUILD ME A BODY."

James:  "..."

*Skype turns off*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2020, 03:01:02 AM
I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Suu on March 27, 2020, 04:17:28 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2020, 03:01:02 AM
I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?

AND NORTON IS DRIVING CAR.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on March 27, 2020, 06:58:19 AM
You're steadily and apparently incidentally evolving into a classy, dangerously wise, supervillain. Maybe that Mayan shit about Earth passing into a higher vibration is real and we are all becoming EXACTLY what we really are inside.

*hits the glass dick harder*  :crackhead:

Maybe Howl is a fifth density, darkened wandering soul that slipped in past the planetary quarantine because he heard there was no effective oversight and hawt bitches of several genders.

*puts pipe down gently on table, exhales*

I gotta get more of this shit man.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2020, 02:51:06 PM
Quote from: Suu on March 27, 2020, 04:17:28 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 27, 2020, 03:01:02 AM
I have gained two more research monkeys, Kyle and Cassie.  Kyle is me with less horrible (he's young).  It's actually kinda creepy how much he reminds me of me.

Cassie is a hillbilly from some godforsaken state, but she's smart as hell.  Only when she walks in the room all the young guys get dumb as hell.  Thank God I'm ancient and vile and cannot be swayed by that sort of shit anymore.  Cassie has also apparently wrecked 3 cars in 5 months, so she is excused from driving me to meetings across town.

Besides, I like having Norton drive, because he flinches when I say fucked up shit, and that can make things interesting on the on-ramp.  Neither Kyle nor Cassie seem to have any sort of flinch reaction at all, and regularly say worse shit than I say.

At some point, I went from being "the crazy bastard in the North annex" to "running a lab" which frankly I never saw coming.

My bosses are all hiding at home from the plague.  I have a mob of research assistants and a shit ton of funding. 

Don't you wish you were me?

AND NORTON IS DRIVING CAR.

Well, I'm not driving.  I'm the boss.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 28, 2020, 03:06:25 AM
Tucson just went full lockdown.

I am waiting for the nature of our work to exempt my team, but that will take a couple of days.  So vacation time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 08:38:28 PM
Today, at work

Norton:  "So we're essential people?"

Me:  "Some of us are."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 08:40:12 PM
Also today at work:

Norton:  "So if we're the important guys, how come we're working and the non-essential people are staying at home and still getting paid?"

Me:  "Oh, somewhere in this favoured land the sun is shining bright, The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light; And somewhere men are laughing, and somewhere children shout,
But there is no joy in Mudville—Because I am the mayor of Mudville and fuck you."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on March 31, 2020, 08:54:34 PM
Quotehow come we're working and the non-essential people are staying at home and still getting paid?

It sounds like Norton isn't down with capitalism.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 09:20:14 PM
Quote from: Cain on March 31, 2020, 08:54:34 PM
Quotehow come we're working and the non-essential people are staying at home and still getting paid?

It sounds like Norton isn't down with capitalism.

Norton is entirely too down with Morrissey or some shit.

It's a fucking pandemic.  NO WHINING.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 31, 2020, 09:28:25 PM
Apparently the phrase "sounding like a covid ward beat box" is rude or some shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on March 31, 2020, 09:33:08 PM
Only if it's not true.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 07, 2020, 05:41:33 AM
In the effort to improve social distancing, we have replaced handshakes with rude gestures and a hearty "FUCK YOU" from down the hall.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on April 07, 2020, 05:48:25 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 07, 2020, 05:41:33 AM
In the effort to improve social distancing, we have replaced handshakes with rude gestures and a hearty "FUCK YOU" from down the hall.
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz: Now that's a healthy response to a shit situation.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on April 07, 2020, 06:01:01 AM
You should insist on communicating only by semaphore.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 07, 2020, 06:42:38 AM
Semaphore and howling.

You can communicate intensity by volume, and mood by pitch. Plus you don't need to risk people walking into each other around corners if they're howling like dying animals the entire time they wander around.

If visitors aren't concerned about animal cruelty then it isn't loud enough.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on April 09, 2020, 03:40:45 AM
Quote from: altered on April 07, 2020, 06:42:38 AM
Semaphore and howling.

You can communicate intensity by volume, and mood by pitch. Plus you don't need to risk people walking into each other around corners if they're howling like dying animals the entire time they wander around.

If visitors aren't concerned about animal cruelty then it isn't loud enough.

I support this concept. Prove you are fit to work via barbaric YALP.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on April 14, 2020, 02:26:00 PM
Sometimes the spam bots use keywords to find target forums: we just had one trying to peddle ISO90001, this thread has gotten us associated with tags like "engineering", "science" and "questionable ethics"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2020, 03:50:51 PM
Quote from: Faust on April 14, 2020, 02:26:00 PM
Sometimes the spam bots use keywords to find target forums: we just had one trying to peddle ISO90001, this thread has gotten us associated with tags like "engineering", "science" and "questionable ethics"

I'm so proud.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 30, 2020, 12:12:22 AM
Today:

Norton:  "I'm gonna go home today and my girlfriends are going to ask me what I did at work."

Me:  "Sounds healthy."

Norton:  "And I have to tell them that I was installing heating elements up the ass of a stuffed bison."

Kyle *walks in*:  Why didn't you just cut a hole in the side of the bison, shove the heater in, and then close it up?"

Norton:  "Because Hamish told me...Hamish, why did you tell me to wiggle it up it's ass instead?"

Me:  *stares horribly*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on April 30, 2020, 01:14:18 AM
:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on April 30, 2020, 03:04:49 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 30, 2020, 12:12:22 AM
Kyle *walks in*:  Why didn't you just cut a hole in the side of the bison, shove the heater in, and then close it up?"
Yes, that's exactly what I would ask.  It's definitely more important than why we are trying to heat the bison from the inside to begin with.

...so, are we trying to teach the heat-seeking drone swarm to kill large ruminants, or not to kill them?

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 30, 2020, 06:05:44 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on April 30, 2020, 03:04:49 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 30, 2020, 12:12:22 AM
Kyle *walks in*:  Why didn't you just cut a hole in the side of the bison, shove the heater in, and then close it up?"
Yes, that's exactly what I would ask.  It's definitely more important than why we are trying to heat the bison from the inside to begin with.

...so, are we trying to teach the heat-seeking drone swarm to kill large ruminants, or not to kill them?

Neither, at the moment.  We are attempting to get them to sort large ruminants.  By visual light, heat, shape, etc.

This is why I have now 4 truckloads of taxidermied critters, ranging from elk heads to entire bison and musk ox.

The fun bit starts shortly, but right now it's just sorting.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: minuspace on April 30, 2020, 11:00:06 PM
I'm kinda worried about their fluids, assuming you were training a net to identify things by heat signature. Hydration and specific heat capacity, how it relates to thermal radiation vs. whatever else they stuffed with. It's been a frustrating day, or I wouldn't even.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 01, 2020, 09:43:20 PM
Today epitomized the very idea of epic failure.   :lulz:

More later.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 02, 2020, 03:32:43 AM
Scene:  3 guys with laptops mashed into a F150 pickup cab, before dawn.

Me:  "Okay, they're not heading toward *any* of the animals."

Norton:  "Um."

Me:  "What is 'um'?  CONFESSION TIME."

Norton:  "I think I put 101.7 centigrade instead of farenheit.  Because Baby Engineer was mixing his units of measure again."

Kyle:  "So, aside from our engine block, what out here is 215 farenheit?  Because the bison sure as fuck isn't."

Me:  "Also confession time:  Three of those are armed."

Norton:  "WHY?"

Me:  "I was bored."

Kyle:  "ALSO confession time.  I forgot to set the 'electronic fence'."

WHACK WHACK WHACK *steam from radiator*

Norton:  "Fuck.  We're still alive."

Me:  "That's a bit of a disappointment, even with the itty bitty payload."

Kyle:  "I feel as if I've wasted my time, if that's all that happened."

Norton:  "What the hell is WRONG with you guys?"

Me:  "The unexploded bison is what's wrong with me, Norton."

Norton:  "I want to go home now."

Me:  "Not until you load up that bison.  BUT WAIT.  The truck doesn't work anymore."

Kyle:  "It's only 5 miles."

Me:  "With Norton dragging a bison."

Norton:  "Or I could just call Laura to come get us in her truck."

*Kyle and Hamish staring*

Norton:  "What?"

Kyle:  "Space truckin' ain't what it used to be."

Me:  "This is all normal, Kyle."




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on May 02, 2020, 08:31:23 AM
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 02, 2020, 09:27:31 PM
Quote from: Bruno on May 02, 2020, 08:31:23 AM
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on May 03, 2020, 02:13:36 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 02, 2020, 09:27:31 PM
Quote from: Bruno on May 02, 2020, 08:31:23 AM
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.

Yeah, that thing you're working on is orders of magnitude more sophisticated than the thing I gave up on after thinking about it for 30 minutes.

The SimpleCV project I was working on was a smartphone testing robot made from salvaged parts from an old scanner and a printer. Mechanically it worked well enough, but the CV part was unstable. I would give it a sample image to find in the webcam image, and it either couldn't find it, or would find it, but it also found several more instances of that image that were not in any way there. After some tweaking, I could get it to just find the one that was there, I'd move on to the next step, and by the time I had that code ready to test, the last thing had stopped working again for some reason. Only thing I could think of that could be causing that was the webcam driver trying too hard to make the image visually pleasing to human eyes, adjusting color balance, focus, contrast... all that jazz.

It could dial the fuck outa that phone, tho. DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 06, 2020, 09:59:27 AM
Quote from: Bruno on May 03, 2020, 02:13:36 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 02, 2020, 09:27:31 PM
Quote from: Bruno on May 02, 2020, 08:31:23 AM
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.

Yeah, that thing you're working on is orders of magnitude more sophisticated than the thing I gave up on after thinking about it for 30 minutes.

The SimpleCV project I was working on was a smartphone testing robot made from salvaged parts from an old scanner and a printer. Mechanically it worked well enough, but the CV part was unstable. I would give it a sample image to find in the webcam image, and it either couldn't find it, or would find it, but it also found several more instances of that image that were not in any way there. After some tweaking, I could get it to just find the one that was there, I'd move on to the next step, and by the time I had that code ready to test, the last thing had stopped working again for some reason. Only thing I could think of that could be causing that was the webcam driver trying too hard to make the image visually pleasing to human eyes, adjusting color balance, focus, contrast... all that jazz.

It could dial the fuck outa that phone, tho. DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!

With open CV for that we used K-Means Clustering to track the object in the shot and would need a few reads to come back positive and a learning system for person detection. We had an advantage though, we were tracking firefighters through burning buildings so they were all dressed in very similar gear making the learning easier. There are some standard libs now for person detection using things like proportions of the body as criteria and face detection but I haven't tried those. That was a fun project.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 10:37:18 AM
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on May 06, 2020, 12:56:27 PM
Quote from: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 10:37:18 AM
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.

until an enemy manages to emulate, hijack, or suppress the beacon.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 01:24:45 PM
At least it couldn't be tricked with a dino suit.
(https://images.halloweencostumes.com/blog/962/12ad840f8f96e508a4e2bc5d654a18b5.gif)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 01:36:35 PM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on May 06, 2020, 12:56:27 PM
Quote from: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 10:37:18 AM
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.

until an enemy manages to emulate, hijack, or suppress the beacon.

Then you do a switcheroo and shoot everything with the beacon.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bruno on May 06, 2020, 07:46:45 PM
Quote from: Faust on May 06, 2020, 09:59:27 AM
Quote from: Bruno on May 03, 2020, 02:13:36 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 02, 2020, 09:27:31 PM
Quote from: Bruno on May 02, 2020, 08:31:23 AM
I thought about building something like that once. I've played with SimpleCV for Python controlling stepper motors, and I don't think it would be too difficult to put together a "shoot anything that moves" or even a "shoot anything orange that moves" program, and train it to shoot clay targets.

But then I decided that anything involving having any non-human actuator pulling a trigger would be at least one felony, so I decided to stop thinking about it.

Anything that moves is easy.

That one thing moving that looks like those other things moving, that's hard.

Yeah, that thing you're working on is orders of magnitude more sophisticated than the thing I gave up on after thinking about it for 30 minutes.

The SimpleCV project I was working on was a smartphone testing robot made from salvaged parts from an old scanner and a printer. Mechanically it worked well enough, but the CV part was unstable. I would give it a sample image to find in the webcam image, and it either couldn't find it, or would find it, but it also found several more instances of that image that were not in any way there. After some tweaking, I could get it to just find the one that was there, I'd move on to the next step, and by the time I had that code ready to test, the last thing had stopped working again for some reason. Only thing I could think of that could be causing that was the webcam driver trying too hard to make the image visually pleasing to human eyes, adjusting color balance, focus, contrast... all that jazz.

It could dial the fuck outa that phone, tho. DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT! DOOT!

With open CV for that we used K-Means Clustering to track the object in the shot and would need a few reads to come back positive and a learning system for person detection. We had an advantage though, we were tracking firefighters through burning buildings so they were all dressed in very similar gear making the learning easier. There are some standard libs now for person detection using things like proportions of the body as criteria and face detection but I haven't tried those. That was a fun project.

SimpleCV did have built-in face detection, which worked pretty well. I used a face that I cut out of a magazine to track the position of the robot finger on the phone tester robot. Also, I guess I could build a face shooting robot. That might be nice to have.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 06, 2020, 09:55:26 PM
Quote from: Frontside Back on May 06, 2020, 10:37:18 AM
Wouldn't the pragmatic approach be giving your soldiers beacons saying "don't kill me", and shooting everything else that moves.

Only without the "my soldiers" bit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2020, 12:16:10 AM
Today I spent the day in the carbon cave.  Among other things, I blasted the entire discography of NWA, as I have never listened to all of it before.

They had some really interesting and important things to say, but then I realized they weren't talking to *me*.

I want to talk to the manager of Compton.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2020, 12:20:25 AM
At work today:  "Why is there a chem light on my lunchbox?"

Kyle:  *stares*

Me:  "Do I look like the kind of person that would put chem light juice in my mouth or something?"

Kyle:  *stares at me*

Me:  *stares at chemlight*

*10 minutes later, Norton walks in*

Norton:  "Why is Hamish's mouth glowing?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on May 21, 2020, 05:13:43 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2020, 12:16:10 AM
Today I spent the day in the carbon cave.  Among other things, I blasted the entire discography of NWA, as I have never listened to all of it before.

They had some really interesting and important things to say, but then I realized they weren't talking to *me*.

I want to talk to the manager of Compton.

I've been blasting motown and allowing longer breaks for enthusiasm and participation. Half a dozen ex squaddies screaming "baby love" is a thing of beauty.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 01, 2020, 08:37:07 PM
In the conference room:

David:  "...and that's why we need someone up to speed to be a liaison with this 'space force' whatever.  So who's it gonna be?"

Me: "Who here knows how to fly?"

*everyone except Norton raises their hands*

Norton:  "Wat"

Me:  "Go forth bravely, young liaison."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 09, 2020, 07:25:29 PM
Today

Norton:  "I have no idea what is even happening in this country."

Me:  "That's easy.  We banned end zone dancing."

Norton:  "What?  Like in football?"

Me:  "You know any other end zone dancing?  Because I'm interested."

Norton:  "What does end zone dancing have to do with America?"

Me:  "Easy.  They banned it.  America demands that you WIN at ANY cost, but then forbids you to talk smack about it.  So what's the POINT?"

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "Hey, you asked."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on June 11, 2020, 10:21:44 AM
Sometimes you just gotta talk smack about people. If you don't, you will eventually explode.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ari on June 11, 2020, 04:38:59 PM
I spent most of my day reading, ALL of this.
What a ride! Thank you.


"This is all normal."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2020, 07:07:57 PM
Quote from: Ari Atari on June 11, 2020, 04:38:59 PM
I spent most of my day reading, ALL of this.
What a ride! Thank you.


"This is all normal."

It IS all normal.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2020, 07:09:07 PM
What is also all normal is that today I found out, with multiple witnesses, that Kyle has been sexually harassing our janitor.

Kyle has decided to pursue other opportunities.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 11, 2020, 07:14:56 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2020, 07:09:07 PM
What is also all normal is that today I found out, with multiple witnesses, that Kyle has been sexually harassing our janitor.

Kyle has decided to pursue other opportunities.

Was his decision "aided" by anyone else or did he make it of his own free will? Just curious.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2020, 07:42:56 PM
Quote from: altered on June 11, 2020, 07:14:56 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2020, 07:09:07 PM
What is also all normal is that today I found out, with multiple witnesses, that Kyle has been sexually harassing our janitor.

Kyle has decided to pursue other opportunities.

Was his decision "aided" by anyone else or did he make it of his own free will? Just curious.

He was launched.   By me.  HR was told immediately after the fact and did not have any problems with it.  There is audiotape of his bullshit.  We are at zero risk from lawsuits, and in fact if I had been enough of a monster to NOT fire him, she (the janitor) could have sued us.

The really fucking nasty part was that the person who recorded him talking shit managed to catch the phrase "I can get away with jokes, she doesn't speak English."

Well, fuck you too, pal.  Take your jokes somewhere else.

What a fucking disappointment.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 11, 2020, 08:18:02 PM
I am very glad he didn't get a chance to make the decision himself.

I can only assume he will not be missed.

EDIT: magical fucking line breaks.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on June 12, 2020, 01:03:40 AM
Having gone, is he open to any sort of civil proceedings? This seems like a teachable moment.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 12, 2020, 03:18:27 AM
Quote from: Junkenstein on June 12, 2020, 01:03:40 AM
Having gone, is he open to any sort of civil proceedings? This seems like a teachable moment.

The affected employees are just glad to see him gone, is what I gather.

We will of course forward the relevant notes to any of their attorneys, should they seek one.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ari on June 12, 2020, 08:27:47 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2020, 07:09:07 PM
What is also all normal is that today I found out, with multiple witnesses, that Kyle has been sexually harassing our janitor.

Kyle has decided to pursue other opportunities.

I have reserved a special place on my schedule for people just like Kyle. Let me go get my power tools.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ari on June 12, 2020, 08:31:56 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 11, 2020, 07:07:57 PM
It IS all normal.

Just by reading, I have learnt a lot.

It's already pissing people off. So I guess it's working?
Will read again. Just to make sure it sticks.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 12, 2020, 11:31:38 PM
Today

Norton:  "The fact that you suddenly displayed a moral sense bothers me more than I care to think about."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on June 13, 2020, 08:39:30 AM
Is he learning?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2020, 09:27:36 PM
Things I said at work today:

"It's been 35 years, and I STILL don't have my MTV."  <--- nobody got that one.

"If I was half as smart as I think I am, I'd be twice as smart as I really am."

"When I say no politics and religion at the workplace, I didn't mean 'except for you, you special little man.'"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on June 15, 2020, 11:01:55 PM
At least you get your money for nothing and your chicks for free though, right?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2020, 11:15:38 PM
Quote from: Cain on June 15, 2020, 11:01:55 PM
At least you get your money for nothing and your chicks for free though, right?

I got a blister on my little finger.  Might have one on my thumb.   :cry:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Bu🤠ns on June 16, 2020, 04:39:37 AM
:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 16, 2020, 11:16:10 PM
David:  "What happened to you guys?  You look like hell."

Me:  "We drove through a dust devil."

David:  "You didn't close the windows?"

Norton:  "No.  He OPENED them."

David:  "What the fuck?"

Me:  "He's still got the Nebraska on him.  He needed the FULL EFFECT."

Norton:  "What is wrong with you?"

Me:  *stares horribly*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Juana on June 16, 2020, 11:18:49 PM
:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: minuspace on June 16, 2020, 11:34:32 PM
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 17, 2020, 07:15:18 AM
Hey, Dok, give this to your programmers.

https://github.com/fetlang/fetlang/blob/master/README.md

ETA: on further consideration I guess technically this is not safe for work but I think it's a stretch to say that it would affect Dok if presented appropriately, and it's also not the kind of NSFW that anyone would expect
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: minuspace on June 17, 2020, 08:46:18 AM
I'm going to try and build this, if anything, please have the assembler bring some Latext wrapped anti-virus because I'm all out of sudo privileges for a minute here.


ETA


No FORTRAN bits please, simple Borland XX with all that front and backend pre-compiled because fucking clang.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 18, 2020, 02:28:57 AM
My job might be moving to Wyoming.

This is bullshit.  Wyoming is cold as fuck, and there's fuck all to do.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 18, 2020, 02:30:24 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 18, 2020, 02:28:57 AM
My job might be moving to Wyoming.

This is bullshit.  Wyoming is cold as fuck, and there's fuck all to do.

I hear you can farm llamas pretty easy out there, maybe you could convince Norton your team needs a mascot
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 18, 2020, 03:09:46 AM
Quote from: altered on June 18, 2020, 02:30:24 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 18, 2020, 02:28:57 AM
My job might be moving to Wyoming.

This is bullshit.  Wyoming is cold as fuck, and there's fuck all to do.

I hear you can farm llamas pretty easy out there, maybe you could convince Norton your team needs a mascot

Norton is from Nebraska.  He won't last two days in Wyoming.  They'll pick his bones clean for no good reason.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 18, 2020, 03:12:55 AM
Let's be honest here, the main difference between Nebraska and Wyoming is that Nebraska has the color green
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 18, 2020, 03:18:50 AM
Quote from: altered on June 18, 2020, 03:12:55 AM
Let's be honest here, the main difference between Nebraska and Wyoming is that Nebraska has the color green

People in Nebraska are parochial.  People in Wyoming murder Matthew Shepard.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on June 18, 2020, 03:53:39 AM
You can't even flee to Canada. You have to go across Montana first :(
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 18, 2020, 04:38:58 AM
Quote from: Cain on June 18, 2020, 03:53:39 AM
You can't even flee to Canada. You have to go across Montana first :(

I was in Montana for three days.

They're so disorganized that they have their own, state-specific food delivery service. It doesn't have an app or a mobile-friendly website. The website looks like the front page of this forum. None of the food delivery apps support a single location in all of Montana, so you have no choice. Also, there is no Lyft, only Uber. And their rate is four times the going rate anywhere else per mile. Yes, even downtown Chicago. I had to take an actual TAXI to the Greyhound station. The kind of taxi that is literally a beige Oldsmobile land barge with a yellow light on a suction cup with a wire running to the cigarette lighter socket.

This was in BUTTE. Montana is fucking dire.

If you make your move in the summer, they'll never know you were there. Promise.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 20, 2020, 01:49:15 AM
Small fire at work today.  More later.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 12:58:56 AM
Well, that was more fire damage than I expected.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on June 30, 2020, 01:00:44 AM
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 30, 2020, 01:03:22 AM
Did it burn a hole in anything or anyone irreplaceable?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on June 30, 2020, 01:36:52 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 12:58:56 AM
Well, that was more fire damage than I expected.

How much were you expecting?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on June 30, 2020, 01:58:03 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on June 30, 2020, 01:36:52 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 12:58:56 AM
Well, that was more fire damage than I expected.

How much were you expecting?

I'm choosing to believe that the fire was only, in fact, put out just now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 30, 2020, 03:11:26 AM
Optimist.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 04:02:59 AM
Quote from: altered on June 30, 2020, 01:03:22 AM
Did it burn a hole in anything or anyone irreplaceable?

It fucked our power distribution.  Scorched a bunch of conduit in the 240 VAC transformer room.  So I have 480 VAC and some 120 VAC, but until I get the conduit yanked out and replaced, I can only bring 2 departments back.

We'll be fully back on line by the end of the week.  We pulled some Apollo 13 shit today to get the servers online so at least we can ship and receive.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 04:03:35 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on June 30, 2020, 01:36:52 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 12:58:56 AM
Well, that was more fire damage than I expected.

How much were you expecting?

I was expecting to lose the carbon cave and polishing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 04:05:03 AM
Quote from: Cain on June 30, 2020, 01:58:03 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on June 30, 2020, 01:36:52 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 12:58:56 AM
Well, that was more fire damage than I expected.

How much were you expecting?

I'm choosing to believe that the fire was only, in fact, put out just now.

It's been 10 days above 100F since we could get into the plant, HVAC out, and that abandoned potluck dinner didn't do so well in the break room.

Also, the dip tank was left full and we had to pour 6 gallons of bleach into it to get rid of the stink.  You could have cut the water with a knife.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Ari on June 30, 2020, 09:46:04 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on June 30, 2020, 04:05:03 AM
Also, the dip tank was left full and we had to pour 6 gallons of bleach into it to get rid of the stink.  You could have cut the water with a knife.

Do you want another small pocket of dark magick? Cause this is how you *can* get another small pocket of dark magick.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 01, 2020, 11:01:19 PM
What's worse than realizing that the fire has gotten around behind you?

The cleanup, obviously.

BUT:  Building already cleared for reoccupation, electrical permit took ONE DAY (always pick the contractor with the shady officer manager), and insurance is buying all of our damaged shit, etc.

I am worn down to a nub.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 18, 2020, 12:43:46 AM
Norton:  "Okay, so far we've had the plague, the move, the fire, and that thing with the drones."

Me:  "Yep.  Hell of a year."

Norton:  "What next?"

Me:  "What the fuck did you just say?"

David: *walks in*

David: "Looks like we lost the water main.  There's a geyser over in finishing."

Norton:  "..."

Me:  *pointing at Norton*  "YOU."

Norton:  "What?"

Me:  "YOU DID THIS.  YOU DELIBERATELY PROVOKED THE GREMLINS."

David:  "What did he do?"

Me:  "He asked 'what's next'."

David:  "You sorry son of a bitch."

Me:  "I'm calling a plumber and then I'm going home.  Norton, you get to wait on the plumber."

David:  "Don't look at me, Norton, I'm going home, too."

Norton:  "HOW IS THIS MY FAULT?"

Me:  "See you on Monday."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on July 18, 2020, 12:59:49 AM
He did provoke the gremlins and he's getting off light.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 24, 2020, 03:49:10 AM
The problem with grad students is that they get their advanced degrees and then you can't pay them in Ramen anymore.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2020, 11:47:02 PM
Norton has the coronavirus.  Which apparently means "he can't work."

This is bullshit.  This wouldn't have stopped Oppenheimer.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 03, 2020, 11:51:54 PM
Norton is no Oppenheimer.

And you're more on the order of a mad scientist supervillain dwelling in a lab built in Houska Castle than you are a Leslie Groves, so, you know, different circumstances all around.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 04, 2020, 12:09:05 AM
Quote from: altered on August 03, 2020, 11:51:54 PM
Norton is no Oppenheimer.

And you're more on the order of a mad scientist supervillain dwelling in a lab built in Houska Castle than you are a Leslie Groves, so, you know, different circumstances all around.

I'm working on a get well card.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 04, 2020, 12:17:11 AM
Dear Norton,

I asked you to hand me an Allen wrench today, and I did not receive one.  Upon asking around, I was astonished to learn that you have been out since Thursday with the coronavirus.  Please do not take this lapse in attention to mean that I do not miss you.

In any case, I approached HR with the idea that we could put you in a giant hamster ball to allow you to continue your work, but this is apparently against policy.  I had no better luck when I suggested building a functioning replica of Captain Pike's wheelchair.  HR clearly does not understand the importance of our work.  But I know you do, and so I have attached some code to be debugged.  You should find this to be restful and easy work, as you wrote the series of infinite loops you called a routine yourself.

Now, I have been made aware that there is something like a 3% chance of you dying, and an additional 4% chance of mental impairment, so please make that debugging a priority.  If you put 3 bad addresses in 50 lines of code when you were well, there's no telling what you're capable of with millions of virus specimens sawing away at your frontal lobes.

Wait.  I didn't mean to actually type that last paragraph out.  Please disregard.

Get better soon,
Hamish
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 04, 2020, 03:24:05 PM
Everyone in the lab are now NOT in the lab, because all 18 of my direct coworkers are either confirmed to have the plague, or are waiting on test results.

And I alone hath survived to tell thee.

On the plus side, nobody complains about my music choices.  And I don't have to wear a mask in the lab now, I suppose.  On the negative side, I can't really leave the lab, which means all of my other treacherous reports will be fucking off.  Well, not too bad, I do have supervisors out there.  BUT STILL.  It's the fucking principle of the thing.  Did Signor Paesor ever have days like this?




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 04, 2020, 06:08:43 PM
Norton infected everyone but you?!

You need to include an addendum to your get well card. This insubordination cannot stand, on account of barely being able to breathe.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 04, 2020, 06:11:55 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 04, 2020, 03:24:05 PM
Everyone in the lab are now NOT in the lab, because all 18 of my direct coworkers are either confirmed to have the plague, or are waiting on test results.

And I alone hath survived to tell thee.

:eek:
Don't die yet.  There is still Work to be Done.

But should you fall, I shall set off the Yellowstone Caldera (a.k.a. "The Ass of the World") in your memory.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 04, 2020, 08:01:50 PM
You do Yellowstone, I'll go for the Siberian Traps.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 04, 2020, 08:26:00 PM
Quote from: altered on August 04, 2020, 08:01:50 PM
You do Yellowstone, I'll go for the Siberian Traps.

I'll see if we can stir up more of that shit they found in the Great Pacific Gyre.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 04, 2020, 11:42:25 PM
Beirut wasn't me, guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93tV6-0Ugwk
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 05, 2020, 01:13:18 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 04, 2020, 11:42:25 PM
Beirut wasn't me, guys.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=93tV6-0Ugwk

I dunno... That sounds like what someone that did Beirut would say. :tinfoilhat:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 05, 2020, 03:10:46 AM
It does, doesn't it?

But let's not kid ourselves. Someone who did Beirut would not be so obvious about it. Also, if they did Beirut they could do us, so it doesn't really bear thinking about, right?

I choose to loudly trust the good Doktor on this topic, as he has NEVER steered us wrong, unless it was for our own good.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 05, 2020, 03:58:36 AM
Quote from: altered on August 05, 2020, 03:10:46 AM
It does, doesn't it?

But let's not kid ourselves. Someone who did Beirut would not be so obvious about it. Also, if they did Beirut they could do us, so it doesn't really bear thinking about, right?

I choose to loudly trust the good Doktor on this topic, as he has NEVER steered us wrong, unless it was for our own good.

I think it's more COMPLEX than that.
*throws Occam's razor out window to sound of a scream*

FIRST did he have opportunity?
Well everyone at the plant SOMEHOW got corona but him. He has NO ALIBI. He didn't not not not have opportunity, and no meaningful oversight of his activities. The door is clearly open here and we need to go through it.

SECOND you are correct that a NORMAL EVIL GENIUS who did Beirut would not be obvious about it, but Dok is NOT the usual sort of evil genius. Oh he does things that may SEEM like imbecilic folly, sure, like infamously getting his tongue stuck in a printer or putting a mirror in a scanner with no concern for timeline integrity, but what if that is Kaiser effin' Sosa looking up at you stooped "helplessly" over that printer? What if it's all a ruse for strategic gain a decade later? Ever think of THAT!? Of course not, and that's the point.

So you're like, "But what about motive?" Well did you SEE THAT KABOOM?? I know my fiddly bits started to fiddle just looking at it, and THAT is a historical motive for all manner of atrocity.

THIRD he does weapon Science for a living! He can take common household vinegar and baking soda, run them through a coffee filter, give them the People's Eyebrow and BAM dessication trigger high explosive. IT's PRETTY DRY in Lebanon my friends. Pretty dry.

I can't connect a single one of these dots, but they are CLEARLY RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER.  :eek:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 05, 2020, 04:04:25 AM
I would consider these points, but you have forgotten the simple fact that a mad scientist who could do Beirut could do us as well. Best to just leave these things lie, don't you think?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 05, 2020, 04:48:10 AM
Quote from: altered on August 05, 2020, 04:04:25 AM
I would consider these points, but you have forgotten the simple fact that a mad scientist who could do Beirut could do us as well. Best to just leave these things lie, don't you think?

No, I don't think, and that's my whole problem really.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 05, 2020, 04:51:16 AM
I've heard it's incurable. Turns you into one of them drug prevention specialist types.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 11, 2020, 10:15:14 PM
Today, the CEO said "What more can go wrong?"

We all kinda looked down at the table.

30 minutes later the front office sewer line collapsed and backed up the toilet in his office like Goddamn Mount Pele.

Do never test. 

:digtbk2:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 11, 2020, 10:43:59 PM
I mean, at that point you're literally, by DEFINITION, asking for it.

I hope SOMEONE had the guts to tell him so, too.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 11, 2020, 10:47:57 PM
Quote from: altered on August 11, 2020, 10:43:59 PM
I mean, at that point you're literally, by DEFINITION, asking for it.

I hope SOMEONE had the guts to tell him so, too.


Why bother?  He's 80 years old.  He knows this shit better than I do, and yet he still does this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 12, 2020, 12:07:09 AM
Then he picked a fight with the fire inspector.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on August 12, 2020, 10:22:46 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 02:44:06 AM
5.  Spend some time in Europe as a civilian. (2008-2011)

Holy shit Dok, you're also a vet‽ How did I not pick up on this? I got out in 2015.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 12, 2020, 02:40:16 PM
Quote from: ReverendJesus on August 12, 2020, 10:22:46 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 23, 2020, 02:44:06 AM
5.  Spend some time in Europe as a civilian. (2008-2011)

Holy shit Dok, you're also a vet‽ How did I not pick up on this? I got out in 2015.

I was in from 87-96, because I am ancient.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 13, 2020, 02:28:04 AM
Today at work:

David:  "What are you doing?"

Me:  "Don't move for a minute."

David:  "Are you scanning my face?"

Me:  "Maybe."

David:  "If you load my face into the new product's FR system, you're not getting a bonus."

Me:  "I'm so alone."

David:  "Norton will be back soon."




Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 17, 2020, 06:49:49 PM
So, we are down to 30% headcount on account of everyone has the plague.  I have been interviewing temps this morning to keep moving forward.  A couple of them look promising. 

#1

Me: "So what are you after in a job?"

Amanda:  "A job."

Me:  "Do you have any experience working in a horrible corporate environment where your dreams are crushed just because?"

Amanda:  "My last job was programming for Oracle."

Me:  "ooooh."

Amanda:  "Yes, 'oooooh'."

Me:  "Are you okay with sort of tested robots chasing and killing rats in your vicinity?"

Amanda:  "It's a job, right?  I.  Need a.  Job."

Me:  "Well, we'll see you at 7 AM tomorrow."

#2

Me:  "I like your resume, but I do have to warn you that our CEO hates Armenians."

John:  "What?  I'm not Armenian."

Me:  "Doesn't matter, he's out to get everyone.  Have you ever worked on explosives?

John:  "Um.  I was told this was a lab job."

Me:  "Yes it is but also explosives."

John:  "I feel as if this is the closest 2020 will ever get to Christmas."


#3

Me:  "So, I called your reference, and he says you are brilliant and hard working, but a little high-strung."

Jackie:  *high pitched noise*



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on August 17, 2020, 06:52:52 PM
I like Amanda and John.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 17, 2020, 06:54:39 PM
Quote from: LMNO on August 17, 2020, 06:52:52 PM
I like Amanda and John.

I like all 3 of them.  Jackie might be the best of the three on paper.  I have spoken to 7 people this morning, with 7 more to go starting in 6 minutes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on August 17, 2020, 07:20:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 17, 2020, 06:49:49 PM
Me:  "Do you have any experience working in a horrible corporate environment where your dreams are crushed just because?"

Amanda:  "My last job was programming for Oracle."

She seems nice.  And since she's coming from Oracle, she shouldn't have any moral qualms about weapons manufacturing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 17, 2020, 08:25:49 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on August 17, 2020, 07:20:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 17, 2020, 06:49:49 PM
Me:  "Do you have any experience working in a horrible corporate environment where your dreams are crushed just because?"

Amanda:  "My last job was programming for Oracle."

She seems nice.  And since she's coming from Oracle, she shouldn't have any moral qualms about weapons manufacturing.

Yeah, I feel like I'm hiring Cave Johnson.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 18, 2020, 05:11:03 AM
My first three interviews tomorrow are Kyle, Karen, and Chad.

Ask me if I'm joking.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on August 18, 2020, 09:04:51 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 18, 2020, 05:11:03 AM
My first three interviews tomorrow are Kyle, Karen, and Chad.

Ask me if I'm joking.

I can smell tanning lotion, mountain dew and anti-maskers in the air already.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on August 18, 2020, 09:11:30 AM
That is a really morally dark sector to work in, theres a lot of dodgy stuff I am willing to do, but working with Oracle is that step too far
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cramulus on August 18, 2020, 02:41:11 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 18, 2020, 05:11:03 AM
My first three interviews tomorrow are Kyle, Karen, and Chad.

Ask me if I'm joking.

yeah, this is defintiely some kinda advanced joke setup


I've been staring at the screen for 5 minutes trying to think of the punchline but it somehow includes the manager wanting to talk to Karen.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on August 18, 2020, 03:43:12 PM
The Chad Interviewee vs the Virgin Kyle (feat. Karen speaking with the manager)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 18, 2020, 03:58:37 PM
Quote from: Cain on August 18, 2020, 03:43:12 PM
The Chad Interviewee vs the Virgin Kyle (feat. Karen speaking with the manager)

:lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2020, 11:45:22 PM
Me:  "Apparently there are liability issues with allowing weaponized robots to hunt rats at the workplace and we have to stop testing them that way."

John:  "Um."

Me:  "Did I not mention this?  I could swear I mentioned this."

John:  "I thought you were kidding."

Me:   "I was.  Ignore any odd noises over the ceiling risers, it's just the building settling."

John:  "I thought you said you had to stop."

Me:  "And I will.  Just as soon as the batteries run down."

John:  "Can't you just send a command for them to stop?"

Me:  "What part of 'autonomous' are you not understanding?"

John: "Wait.  You didn't install a kill switch?"

Me:  "This is all normal, John."

John:  "What?  No.  It's not.  How do we know they won't attack people?"

Me:  "They can't see through the ceiling risers.  So, you know, don't remove any ceiling risers for the next 72 hours or so."

John:  "..."

Me:  "Welcome to The Corporation, Cyberpunk."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 25, 2020, 12:40:36 AM
 :lulz:

How much fun are you having?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 25, 2020, 03:45:54 PM
Quote from: altered on August 25, 2020, 12:40:36 AM
:lulz:

How much fun are you having?

More than is strictly reasonable.  I have 12 new people at once.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on August 25, 2020, 03:51:20 PM
Is it fair to say you are having more fun than the rats?

Incidentally, you do know that eventually if you keep breeding the rats who make it away from the drones you will have another potent warfare resource to hand.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 25, 2020, 04:02:12 PM
Quote from: Cain on August 25, 2020, 03:51:20 PM
Is it fair to say you are having more fun than the rats?

Incidentally, you do know that eventually if you keep breeding the rats who make it away from the drones you will have another potent warfare resource to hand.

I figured I'd just go down swinging in ratpocalypse.  Stephen King did a great short story about that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on August 25, 2020, 10:54:09 PM
Quote from: Cain on August 25, 2020, 03:51:20 PM
Is it fair to say you are having more fun than the rats?

Incidentally, you do know that eventually if you keep breeding the rats who make it away from the drones you will have another potent warfare resource to hand.

<<No fate... "No fate but what we make..."! My mother taught me this... I mean, I made him memorize it as a message to her... Never mind. Okay, the whole thing goes "The future is not set. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves.">>

-Rat Connor, 2016
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on August 25, 2020, 11:30:50 PM
Howl, if there isn't at least one close call evaded only with use of a bucket and running shoes before this is over, you have failed in your plan to turn your plant into a Shadowrun mission.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 01, 2020, 01:19:15 AM
Norton:  "I'm back."

Me:  "Oh, yeah, you were gone, weren't you?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 01, 2020, 07:59:24 PM
Me:  "John, I want you to meet the woobie."

John:  "..."

Norton:  "My name is Norton."

Me:  "Norton is our woobie."

John:  "..."

Norton:  "I'm a chemist."

Me:  "Your job title is 'woobie'."

Norton:  "I thought it was 'programmer'."

Me: "If David could change my job title to 'fucking WIZARD' then I can change yours to 'woobie.'"

John:  "What is a woobie?"

Me:  "You know those characters in movies that are really nice and do the right thing and the universe just shits on them nonstop?"

John:  "Yeah?"

Me:  "That's a woobie.  They do good and bad things happen.  Norton, here, has two girlfriends and lived a blameless life in Nebraska and did very well in university.  But now he works for me."

John:  "Uh, that makes me a woobie too, right?"

Me:  "It's just me in a universe of woobies, John."

John:  "That's a really fucked view of the world."

Me:  "This is all normal, John.  Now, what are we going to do about lunch?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 10, 2020, 12:22:35 AM
David:  "So, I am transferring to Delaware as of tomorrow."

Me:  "You have to move to Delaware tomorrow?"

David:  "Yes."

Me:  "I'd offer to help you move, but I have no legs."

David:  "Thanks.  In any case, you're in charge until Dan gets here.  Next month."

Steve (Baby Engineer):  *looks stricken*

Me:  "Ho ho ho!"

Steve:  *more stricken*

Me:  "I shall need to enlist an engineer or two to haul my palanquin around.  On account of the no legs thing."

Steve:  "I live in hell."

David:  "Nope.  That's where I'm going.  It's like the Stepford Wives of states."

Me:  "Billy says people are very nice there.  Excellent drivers."

David:  "Shut up, Hamish.  Your wizard tricks don't work on me."

Steve:  *looks gloomy*

Me:  "Cheer up, Steve.  We're going to do great things.  This new project isn't just 'blue sky', it's 'somewhere around Neptune' and we get paid for no deliverables."

Steve:  "This isn't how I thought my life would turn out."

Me:  "You know, I get that a lot."

Steve:  *mumbles*

Me:  "This is all normal, Steve.  I mean, it's normal *now*."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 10, 2020, 07:55:49 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 10, 2020, 12:22:35 AM
Me:  "Cheer up, Steve.  We're going to do great things.  This new project isn't just 'blue sky', it's 'somewhere around Neptune' and we get paid for no deliverables."

I love those projects.  I'm currently on an R&D project for a three-letter government agency (no, not that one, the other one) and the PM is complaining almost weekly that we're not spending enough money.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 10, 2020, 09:51:14 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 10, 2020, 07:55:49 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 10, 2020, 12:22:35 AM
Me:  "Cheer up, Steve.  We're going to do great things.  This new project isn't just 'blue sky', it's 'somewhere around Neptune' and we get paid for no deliverables."

I love those projects.  I'm currently on an R&D project for a three-letter government agency (no, not that one, the other one) and the PM is complaining almost weekly that we're not spending enough money.

I am sitting here getting paid to think up what could go wrong with an innovative new tech that has a 100% chance of being fatal to the operator, and could basically also knock divots out of our little corner of reality.

I don't have to work on the tech itself, just think up ways why exposing an operator to 90x a fatal dose of radiation per second might have downsides.

:lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 10, 2020, 10:39:13 PM
Maybe there have already been "successes"...


https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kentucky_meat_shower
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 03:18:32 AM
Fuck damn Howl, I want to know about this. I want to know about it SO BAD. But I know you can't tell me.

If you could, I swear, I would willingly get irradiated for the chance to knock a great stonking hole in the fabric of the universe. I'd even go to Tucson for it.

You just don't get to do that kind of shit every day and BY FUCKING GOLLY is it on brand for me, by which I mean it's literally my favorite thing to consider: just a Heavily Modified golf club, a nice easy putt at a tungsten globe or something, and there's now a sucking vortex into an event horizon holding court over Lake Michigan and the remaining lifespan of the planet is measured in femtoseconds.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 03:39:08 AM
Also, if you're considering a naked singularity, I want in on that too. That's quite possibly all new deranged physics to consider, not to mention what's IN the singularity. Depending on how much energy you're looking at and the mechanism, we might even get into another Everett-Wheeler branch, where I can knock my own stupid ass out and have only the satisfaction of doing so, none of the headaches or regret.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 04:04:40 AM
At the moment I can't say much about it, other than it makes the DEFF BOTS look socially responsible.

Once the principals realize they're shoveling money down a fucking hole and pull the plug, I'll gab all day.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 04:10:26 AM
I can only hope this is the sort of socially irresponsible I can hope to achieve by myself with sufficient hard work and lack of survival instinct.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 04:12:35 AM
Quote from: altered on September 11, 2020, 04:10:26 AM
I can only hope this is the sort of socially irresponsible I can hope to achieve by myself with sufficient hard work and lack of survival instinct.

On the other hand, there's a tiny but greater than zero chance they're onto something, and then I get everything I ever wanted.

I mean, once we get around that "insane level of radiation basically microwaving the operator" thing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 04:13:32 AM
Which leads me to another theoretically possible thing that might convince them to throw money at us.

Did Oppenheimer ever feel this sort of glee?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 11, 2020, 04:53:30 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 04:04:40 AM
At the moment I can't say much about it, other than it makes the DEFF BOTS look socially responsible.

Once the principals realize they're shoveling money down a fucking hole and pull the plug, I'll gab all day.

Until told otherwise, I choose to believe it is a man-portable directed-energy beam weapon.  The kind that can burn a hole in tank armour, or wipe out an approaching army just by sweeping it in an arc in their general direction.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 05:03:02 AM
Unlikely, those are less likely to have ionizing flux. (The gold standard would be photon or electron beams, neither of which are murderous if you aren't in the line of fire.)

If it's neutron beams, on the other hand, making it man portable is unlikely for entirely different reasons: it's sort of like if you tried to make an M40 recoilless rifle "man portable", in that you get maybe two shots and you're carrying four hundred pounds the entire time. Neutron sources will DEFINITELY cook your ass, but they're better for area denial, because neutron flux smashes through walls and causes elemental transmutation into VERY VERY nasty isotopes you don't ever want to be around. A single whoopsie creates a straight line of oh no that is certain to murder a civvy, directly or otherwise.

No, not man portable: this is far more likely to be vehicle mounted.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 05:05:50 AM
And if it's gamma rays, do we even HAVE a source of strong gamma radiation that doesn't have a half-life measured in days AND is consistent enough to put inside of a laser? I don't think so: last I checked we can't even consistently produce X-ray radiation powerful enough for spectral coherence, which puts a damper on weaponizing it beyond about twenty meters.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 11, 2020, 05:12:34 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 04:12:35 AM
Quote from: altered on September 11, 2020, 04:10:26 AM
I can only hope this is the sort of socially irresponsible I can hope to achieve by myself with sufficient hard work and lack of survival instinct.

On the other hand, there's a tiny but greater than zero chance they're onto something, and then I get everything I ever wanted.

I mean, once we get around that "insane level of radiation basically microwaving the operator" thing.

What if the answer is you don't. You topload the biological system to remain operationally functional for as long as possible, but all trips are one way attempts to radically alter the timeline. There's no return trip, and just maybe them jumping destroys this universe so failure is not an option. If they fail to sufficiently alter the timeline in a manner that prevents their jump from occurring the universe gets caught in a causation loop that cuts the timeline short forever.

It would be best to send highly trained and coordinated teams on major alteration missions, but the good news is subtlety is unnecessary and maybe even entirely undesirable.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 05:20:22 AM
Stable time loops are stable because of the temporal conservation of mass. If you disrupt a stable time loop you end with permanent loss of mass energy (which can never happen and might destabilize the laws of physics depending) or permanent gain of mass energy (which can never happen and might destabilize the laws of physics in entirely different apocalyptic ways). This is entirely separate from the logical temporal paradoxes.

The only way time travel is possible is if you get stringy or go many-worlds, and in the many-worlds case there is so much MORE fun you can have than trying to create a fucking stable time loop just to fuck with it. Why, consider: in every Tucson reasonably close to our Tucson, there is a Howl in an arms manufacturing company. And in a significant fraction of those, he cackles and presses the big red "TEST FIRE" button and breaks down the walls between the worlds.

There is a very real chance of infinite Howls with infinite reality-crackers seeing each other and REALIZING WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Then things get really fun.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on September 11, 2020, 06:15:14 AM

Relax guys, im pretty sure hes just making an improved microwave in which you can heat your food without having to worry about removing the tinfoil and metal utensils.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 03:34:56 PM
Quote from: altered on September 11, 2020, 05:20:22 AM
Stable time loops are stable because of the temporal conservation of mass. If you disrupt a stable time loop you end with permanent loss of mass energy (which can never happen and might destabilize the laws of physics depending) or permanent gain of mass energy (which can never happen and might destabilize the laws of physics in entirely different apocalyptic ways). This is entirely separate from the logical temporal paradoxes.

The only way time travel is possible is if you get stringy or go many-worlds, and in the many-worlds case there is so much MORE fun you can have than trying to create a fucking stable time loop just to fuck with it. Why, consider: in every Tucson reasonably close to our Tucson, there is a Howl in an arms manufacturing company. And in a significant fraction of those, he cackles and presses the big red "TEST FIRE" button and breaks down the walls between the worlds.

There is a very real chance of infinite Howls with infinite reality-crackers seeing each other and REALIZING WHAT IS HAPPENING.

Then things get really fun.

Look, if you pocket off mass from the universe, you're fine so long as you account for the mass (ie, bending the  bejesus out of localized space).  Physics doesn't mind, the universe does this all the time.

Also, you can disappear entirely leaving no mass or bent space behind, so long as you reappear at the same time you left (you can cheat conservation for about a femtosecond before the auditors show up, about the same amount of time it takes for an electron to orbit inside an atom.)

This may sound oddly specific. 

Time travel is for nerds.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 03:39:20 PM
Quote from: altered on September 11, 2020, 05:05:50 AM
And if it's gamma rays, do we even HAVE a source of strong gamma radiation that doesn't have a half-life measured in days AND is consistent enough to put inside of a laser? I don't think so: last I checked we can't even consistently produce X-ray radiation powerful enough for spectral coherence, which puts a damper on weaponizing it beyond about twenty meters.

That's Rube Goldberg stuff.  Why build an X-ray laser when you already have them?  And bollides?  There is nothing you can do with an x-ray laser that cannot be done more easily with a big honking chunk of mass moving at indecent speeds.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 11, 2020, 04:27:50 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 03:39:20 PM
There is nothing you can do with an x-ray laser that cannot be done more easily with a big honking chunk of mass moving at indecent speeds.
It suddenly occurs to me that a Jedi Master would have no way to defend against even a WW1-era machine gun.  Maybe his precognition will let him block the first bullet, but there's no way he can wave that light sword fast enough to stop all of them.  Actually, a shotgun might be even better, since the bullets all fly at once.  When was the blunderbuss invented?  1700-something?

Anyway, if it's a beam weapon, it needs to have a better cost/lethality ratio than conventional firearms.  Within certain limits, anyway; I don't know if cost is that big of a deal for the American military.

Hmm, what else might leak radiation?  A nuclear-powered hoverboard?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 04:42:30 PM
You have to remember the "missing reality" thing. Nuclear power doesn't knock chunks of the universe out.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 11, 2020, 07:48:26 PM
I try not to think about what "knock divots out of our little corner of reality" might really mean.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 09:38:11 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 11, 2020, 07:48:26 PM
I try not to think about what "knock divots out of our little corner of reality" might really mean.

It means SCIENCE! 

Also, I learned a new term:  Expended matter.  Basically, matter that has partially collapsed at the atomic level.  I don't really quite understand it yet.

To our knowledge, there's none in existence, but it could be a potential byproduct.  It would be a fantastic energy source, and also immediately deadly to life on contact with ANY amount of it.  Like one atom of it.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 11, 2020, 09:41:35 PM
Are you seriously talking about fucking with the strong force? Cause that's about all I can see ending in "expended matter". Also, if my memory serves, that's a path to truly horrible things, like quark matter (by which I mean quark matter that isn't bound into safe, clean baryonic subunits the way something nice and friendly like plutonium is...)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 11:04:51 PM
Quote from: altered on September 11, 2020, 09:41:35 PM
Are you seriously talking about fucking with the strong force? Cause that's about all I can see ending in "expended matter". Also, if my memory serves, that's a path to truly horrible things, like quark matter (by which I mean quark matter that isn't bound into safe, clean baryonic subunits the way something nice and friendly like plutonium is...)

I'm still reading, but yes.

I don't think I want to make any of this on the planet where I keep my stuff.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: minuspace on September 11, 2020, 11:28:16 PM
So the positron beam goes over there.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 12, 2020, 01:56:19 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 11:04:51 PM
Quote from: altered on September 11, 2020, 09:41:35 PM
Are you seriously talking about fucking with the strong force? Cause that's about all I can see ending in "expended matter". Also, if my memory serves, that's a path to truly horrible things, like quark matter (by which I mean quark matter that isn't bound into safe, clean baryonic subunits the way something nice and friendly like plutonium is...)

I'm still reading, but yes.

I don't think I want to make any of this on the planet where I keep my stuff.

This is definitely one of those situations where if someone said "Tsar Bomba" I'd say "revise upward". Christ.

You need to check the person responsible for possession of an unlicensed Grin. You know the type.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 12:22:51 AM
Quote from: altered on September 12, 2020, 01:56:19 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 11, 2020, 11:04:51 PM
Quote from: altered on September 11, 2020, 09:41:35 PM
Are you seriously talking about fucking with the strong force? Cause that's about all I can see ending in "expended matter". Also, if my memory serves, that's a path to truly horrible things, like quark matter (by which I mean quark matter that isn't bound into safe, clean baryonic subunits the way something nice and friendly like plutonium is...)

I'm still reading, but yes.

I don't think I want to make any of this on the planet where I keep my stuff.

This is definitely one of those situations where if someone said "Tsar Bomba" I'd say "revise upward". Christ.

You need to check the person responsible for possession of an unlicensed Grin. You know the type.

Far more quiet than Tsar Bomba.  It doesn't explode.  Things just kinda fall apart.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 13, 2020, 01:53:07 AM
Oh, I know. I just meant the sheer destructive capability.

Though if quark matter is less stable than baryonic, it makes a boom too. (We don't know yet, conflicting theories exist depending on how easy it is to yoink virtual gluons from the vacuum.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 05:51:44 AM
Quote from: altered on September 13, 2020, 01:53:07 AM
Oh, I know. I just meant the sheer destructive capability.

Though if quark matter is less stable than baryonic, it makes a boom too. (We don't know yet, conflicting theories exist depending on how easy it is to yoink virtual gluons from the vacuum.)

Yeah, that is on the list of 14 ways the universe can end, by the way.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on September 13, 2020, 05:54:19 AM
Please write a guidebook for the end of the world, Doktor Howl.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 13, 2020, 05:59:00 AM
Oh, I know. Fucking with the strong force could seed a vacuum collapse.

This is a very bad idea by any measure. Christ.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 06:39:58 AM
Quote from: altered on September 13, 2020, 05:59:00 AM
Oh, I know. Fucking with the strong force could seed a vacuum collapse.

This is a very bad idea by any measure. Christ.

*slams start button right through the console*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 06:40:20 AM
Quote from: Fujikoma on September 13, 2020, 05:54:19 AM
Please write a guidebook for the end of the world, Doktor Howl.

I did.  It's an apple talk somewhere.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 13, 2020, 05:37:15 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 06:39:58 AM
Quote from: altered on September 13, 2020, 05:59:00 AM
Oh, I know. Fucking with the strong force could seed a vacuum collapse.

This is a very bad idea by any measure. Christ.

*slams start button right through the console*

If you're going to trigger a vacuum collapse, please give me a few minutes advance notice.  I'd like to climb up on the roof so I can enjoy the spectacle.

The End of Existence seldom happens more than once in a lifetime; I wouldn't want to miss it.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 05:46:53 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 13, 2020, 05:37:15 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 06:39:58 AM
Quote from: altered on September 13, 2020, 05:59:00 AM
Oh, I know. Fucking with the strong force could seed a vacuum collapse.

This is a very bad idea by any measure. Christ.

*slams start button right through the console*

If you're going to trigger a vacuum collapse, please give me a few minutes advance notice.  I'd like to climb up on the roof so I can enjoy the spectacle.

The End of Existence seldom happens more than once in a lifetime; I wouldn't want to miss it.

Vacuum collapses propagate at the speed of light, and appear to be unbounded.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 13, 2020, 09:09:14 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 05:46:53 PM
Vacuum collapses propagate at the speed of light, and appear to be unbounded.
...but if it travels at the speed of light, then I wouldn't be able to see it.  :sad:

What a sorry world this is, that it should end suddenly, pointlessly, and unremarked, like an old man choking on a pancake at a waffle house!

I would rather it ended in glory, like Evel Knievel jumping the Amazon River on a rocket-powered unicycle.

yes, i know Knievel actually died of pulmonary disease
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2020, 03:59:18 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 13, 2020, 09:09:14 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 13, 2020, 05:46:53 PM
Vacuum collapses propagate at the speed of light, and appear to be unbounded.
...but if it travels at the speed of light, then I wouldn't be able to see it.  :sad:

What a sorry world this is, that it should end suddenly, pointlessly, and unremarked, like an old man choking on a pancake at a waffle house!

I would rather it ended in glory, like Evel Knievel jumping the Amazon River on a rocket-powered unicycle.

yes, i know Knievel actually died of pulmonary disease

This is why I disapprove of this sort of apocalypse, really.  There's no opera
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 21, 2020, 05:01:21 PM
Zoom conference this morning:

Dan:  "So, Hamish, I gather you and your team had a brainstorm on Saturday."

Me:  "Yes.  While you can't aim a femto-laser at a particular electron, you can in fact 'spray and pray'."

Billy:  "So, you're doing the equivalent of hosing down a club with Uzis rather than shoot your target with a pistol."

Me:  "Pretty much.  Only we don't actually care if we get our target, just that we get *a* target."

Dan:  "So how does that work?"

Me:  "It works with more lasers.  We should really talk to the client about actual prototyping here, rather than dicking around with 2 lasers."

Dan:  "No, you will not make exotic matter in my plant."

Billy:  "Yeah, that sounds like a bad idea."

Me:  "Balls.  If the worst case scenario occurred, it probably wouldn't propagate past the middle of New Mexico.  You guys are in Delaware, why do you care?"

Dan:  "It's a liability thing.  If you sank the Southwest, we'd probably get sued."

Billy:  "What are the odds that anything at all will happen?"

Me:  "Greater than zero, but not even worth considering.  This entire project is potato.  It's like getting a DARPA grant to make tachyon beams or some shit.  I'd bitch about this colossal waste of my time, but it turns out that I get paid regardless."

Dan:  "Then why do you want to do it?"

Me:  "Because more lasers equals more better."

Dan:  "..."

Billy:  "Seems obvious to me.  Dan, you should call the client."

Dan:  "..."

Me:  "That's an alarming shade of red, Dan.  You should relax."

Billy:  "Yeah, you have Hamish reporting to you now, and that is more fun if you don't fight the feeling."

Dan:  *rage noises*

Me:  "This is all normal, boss."





Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 22, 2020, 12:47:42 AM
I can't see it, Dok. I just can't see any number of lasers hitting any number of electrons making anything truly scary under conditions we can make on earth. Seems impossible here.

But more lasers does indeed equal more better, so Dan should just give in.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 22, 2020, 01:04:18 AM
Quote from: altered on September 22, 2020, 12:47:42 AM
I can't see it, Dok. I just can't see any number of lasers hitting any number of electrons making anything truly scary under conditions we can make on earth. Seems impossible here.

But more lasers does indeed equal more better, so Dan should just give in.

Naw, it's just engineering.  The brits managed fusion with lasers.  This is just sort of a bastardization of that.

But it's engineering that we aren't up to, yet.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 23, 2020, 11:44:27 PM
So my son was hired by The Corporation over in another department.

Two generations of nastiness in one company.  :)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 24, 2020, 12:54:26 AM
Today:

Me:  "If I have my way, our jobs will soon be non-local."

John:  "Like working remote?"

Me:  "No, like 'non-local'."

John:  "ooooh noooooooo you didn't."

Me:  "Well, not yet.  Just wait for last week."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 24, 2020, 01:03:26 AM
How non-local are we talking? Probability distribution still within the solar system, or are we talking about something where chunks of back hair start appearing past the quasars?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 24, 2020, 02:12:09 AM
Quote from: altered on September 24, 2020, 01:03:26 AM
How non-local are we talking? Probability distribution still within the solar system, or are we talking about something where chunks of back hair start appearing past the quasars?

We have no idea.

This is how science happens to people.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on September 24, 2020, 07:37:33 AM
I'm hoping it's at least observable universe. I'm waiting on the next Charles Stross book.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 02:39:45 AM
So my son's first day is tomorrow.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 28, 2020, 04:12:22 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 02:39:45 AM
So my son's first day is tomorrow.

Working for you?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 04:55:44 AM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on September 28, 2020, 04:12:22 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 02:39:45 AM
So my son's first day is tomorrow.

Working for you?

No, different department.  He had to wait until Dan arrived, because company rules forbid one family member being the boss of another.

But his office is on the other side of the wall from mine, and we'll be commuting together.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 28, 2020, 05:09:13 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 04:55:44 AM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on September 28, 2020, 04:12:22 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 02:39:45 AM
So my son's first day is tomorrow.

Working for you?

No, different department.  He had to wait until Dan arrived, because company rules forbid one family member being the boss of another.

But his office is on the other side of the wall from mine, and we'll be commuting together.

THAT is cool as shit!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 07:44:48 PM
Project jokes:

1.  We are proud that it has been -210 days since our next accident.

2.  We're a relaxed crew because there are no local problems.

3.  Mathematicians have only solved trivial problems.

4.  2 quarks for Muster Mark.  The 3rd one is on backorder.


Project axioms:

1.  You can't actually cheat the universe, but it blinks sometimes.  Uncle Albert and Uncle Isaac never understood the shell game.

2.  A grant in the hand is worth two in review.

3.  Progress requires work, initiative, and expended matter which seems to be contagious.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on September 28, 2020, 09:22:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 07:44:48 PM
1.  You can't actually cheat the universe, but it blinks sometimes.  Uncle Albert and Uncle Isaac never understood the shell game.

Negative probabilities and imaginary amplitudes are all very well and good in the lab, just make sure you keep them hidden from the public.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 10:16:06 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on September 28, 2020, 09:22:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 07:44:48 PM
1.  You can't actually cheat the universe, but it blinks sometimes.  Uncle Albert and Uncle Isaac never understood the shell game.

Negative probabilities and imaginary amplitudes are all very well and good in the lab, just make sure you keep them hidden from the public.

I do my best to remember that this is all a silent fart in the halls of science.

Some of the building blocks of the project have interesting ramifications, but the project itself is raw horseshit and I try my best to keep that in mind.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on September 28, 2020, 10:49:55 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 28, 2020, 07:44:48 PM
Project jokes:

1.  We are proud that it has been -210 days since our next accident.

2.  We're a relaxed crew because there are no local problems.

3.  Mathematicians have only solved trivial problems.

4.  2 quarks for Muster Mark.  The 3rd one is on backorder.


Project axioms:

1.  You can't actually cheat the universe, but it blinks sometimes.  Uncle Albert and Uncle Isaac never understood the shell game.

2.  A grant in the hand is worth two in review.

3.  Progress requires work, initiative, and expended matter which seems to be contagious.

Nice meme-program. That what I call Source code, right there.

When I can take time to curate some images if you like those can be chopped into Howlism memes or probably a text meme all its own.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2020, 02:14:24 PM
Everywhere you go, there's always a dumbass.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/time-travel-possible-grandfather-paradox-free-will-b713939.html?utm_content=Echobox&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR2ijBsdVdNXEPDHxb_-Yolv2GXQde_r8rIkrNG7qzuwF1E0-amedh0IUxw#Echobox=1601468055
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on October 01, 2020, 07:53:06 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2020, 02:14:24 PM
Everywhere you go, there's always a dumbass.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/time-travel-possible-grandfather-paradox-free-will-b713939.html?utm_content=Echobox&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR2ijBsdVdNXEPDHxb_-Yolv2GXQde_r8rIkrNG7qzuwF1E0-amedh0IUxw#Echobox=1601468055

Is that the best clickbait that a million kangaroos randomly typing can come up with?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2020, 08:44:11 PM
Quote from: The Johnny on October 01, 2020, 07:53:06 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2020, 02:14:24 PM
Everywhere you go, there's always a dumbass.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/time-travel-possible-grandfather-paradox-free-will-b713939.html?utm_content=Echobox&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR2ijBsdVdNXEPDHxb_-Yolv2GXQde_r8rIkrNG7qzuwF1E0-amedh0IUxw#Echobox=1601468055

Is that the best clickbait that a million kangaroos randomly typing can come up with?

Well, yeah.  Which is surprising, coming from the independent.  They're basically saying time travel (to the past) isn't impossible if the universe can forgive a paradox.

It's pure rubbish.  The past is fixed, and you can only change it if you can violate conservation of energy.  Which you can't.  ANY intrusion on the past violates conservation of energy.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on October 01, 2020, 09:00:53 PM
There's a variation on time travel that's only doable in standard, Everett-Wheeler many-worlds. In that, conservation of energy isn't violated because it's summed over the set of all quantum worlds, so you can conceivably travel to the past, sorta. It also solves paradoxes, because the paradoxes happen to a different "world" -- travel back in time and kill yourself, you aren't REALLY killing yourself, just a different being exactly like an earlier iteration of yourself. Like I said, /sorta/ travelling to the past.

But as a result, stable time loops are impossible -- there's two different "spaces" involved.

Also, there's reason to believe that travelling "close to home" (to worlds we would recognize as remotely like our own) would take mass energy equal to the observable universe, and that you could create what I can only describe as an "extraversal" black hole if you shifted too much mass to a single world (which would manifest as all the nearby worlds having all of their time-like lines end in that world, where they smash into each other and everything ends terribly). So, you know, just hope that we don't live in an Everett-Wheeler cosmology, lest capitalism start collecting bullshit from other worlds and cause ours to collapse into a black hole bigger than the universe.

There's a reason that I'm not a huge fan of Everett-Wheeler outside of worldbuilding and shitposting. Bohmian mechanics is more interesting, still makes all superpositions literally real, and closes all of those awful little holes. (It also opens a far cooler hole of a Platonic/Tegmarkian mathematical universe containing our own, which is the only good and sane form of quantum immortality.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on October 01, 2020, 09:02:33 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2020, 08:44:11 PM
Quote from: The Johnny on October 01, 2020, 07:53:06 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2020, 02:14:24 PM
Everywhere you go, there's always a dumbass.

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/gadgets-and-tech/time-travel-possible-grandfather-paradox-free-will-b713939.html?utm_content=Echobox&utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR2ijBsdVdNXEPDHxb_-Yolv2GXQde_r8rIkrNG7qzuwF1E0-amedh0IUxw#Echobox=1601468055

Is that the best clickbait that a million kangaroos randomly typing can come up with?

Well, yeah.  Which is surprising, coming from the independent.  They're basically saying time travel (to the past) isn't impossible if the universe can forgive a paradox.

It's pure rubbish.  The past is fixed, and you can only change it if you can violate conservation of energy.  Which you can't.  ANY intrusion on the past violates conservation of energy.

The Indy's gotten quite clickbaity over the past few years I'm afraid. Still some solid correspondents and columnists, but they're paying for it on the Buzzfeed model of "shovel as much clickbait as posisble".
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 01, 2020, 09:24:15 PM
Quote from: altered on October 01, 2020, 09:00:53 PM
There's a variation on time travel that's only doable in standard, Everett-Wheeler many-worlds. In that, conservation of energy isn't violated because it's summed over the set of all quantum worlds, so you can conceivably travel to the past, sorta. It also solves paradoxes, because the paradoxes happen to a different "world" -- travel back in time and kill yourself, you aren't REALLY killing yourself, just a different being exactly like an earlier iteration of yourself. Like I said, /sorta/ travelling to the past.

But as a result, stable time loops are impossible -- there's two different "spaces" involved.

Also, there's reason to believe that travelling "close to home" (to worlds we would recognize as remotely like our own) would take mass energy equal to the observable universe, and that you could create what I can only describe as an "extraversal" black hole if you shifted too much mass to a single world (which would manifest as all the nearby worlds having all of their time-like lines end in that world, where they smash into each other and everything ends terribly). So, you know, just hope that we don't live in an Everett-Wheeler cosmology, lest capitalism start collecting bullshit from other worlds and cause ours to collapse into a black hole bigger than the universe.

There's a reason that I'm not a huge fan of Everett-Wheeler outside of worldbuilding and shitposting. Bohmian mechanics is more interesting, still makes all superpositions literally real, and closes all of those awful little holes. (It also opens a far cooler hole of a Platonic/Tegmarkian mathematical universe containing our own, which is the only good and sane form of quantum immortality.)

Yeah, that requires that the universe divide.  So if you go back in time, the universe splits, you're stuck there (your original universe is no longer real to you), and your original universe is unaffected.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 05, 2020, 07:34:12 PM
Fire Inspector:  "What's that thing?"

Me:  "That's a vacuum chamber."

FI:  "That's a big Goddamn vacuum chamber."

Me:  "Well, it needs to be.  No vacuum is 100%, and if we make expended matter, we want the least possible normal matter to interfere with it."

FI:  "What's expended matter?"

Me:  "Think of it as bad information.  Like prion, but for reality as a whole."

FI:  "Wait.  It would infect reality and make the universe go bad?"

Me:  "The universe is already bad."

FI:  "No, seriously, what could this stuff do?"

Me:  "Medium case, it would start swiping bits out of all nearby electrons."

FI:  "Like a nuclear waste or something?"

Me:  "No, this would be the exact opposite of nuclear waste."

FI:  "Well, that's good."

Me:  "No, it's not good.  It's far worse than nuclear waste.  In any event, we keep it way the hell down in vacuum until it evaporates."

FI:  "How long does that take?"

Me:  "We're a bit murky about that.  Somewhere between 5 femtoseconds and a few hundred thousand years.  But once that time period is up, it's perfectly safe."

FI:  "So let me get this straight:  If you wind up forming this stuff, you will need to keep that vacuum intact for maybe a few hundred thousand years?"

Me:  "That would be advisable."

FI:  "You know we can't keep anything funded for 5 straight years, though?"

Me:  "Well, this has a built-in motivator to keep not only funding attached, but civilization capable of the keeping the power on.  Maybe we could shoot it into space.  But we'd need a very smooth acceleration."

FI:  "I am half-tempted to shut this down."

Me:  "Your mandate includes fires, explosions, releases, and occupational safety.  This is instead a potential galactic extinction event, which is outside of your purview."

FI:  "So who regulates this?"

Me:  "I feel as if nobody thought there would ever be a need for this sort of regulation.  It's one of those black swan things.  An out of context problem."

FI:  "What are the chances that this will actually be a thing?"

Me:  "Somewhere around a hundred-thousandths of a percent.  This isn't about expended matter, it's about expended money.  Money that's gone bad and threatens other money. You are under a million times *this* threat simply by having nuclear weapons kicking around.  That was a boondoggle that worked.  This is a boondoggle that won't."

FI:  "You guys are nuts."

Me:  "What's really sad is that there would be no progress at all if it weren't for people like us."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 09, 2020, 04:41:51 AM
Text string today at work:

Dan:  "Any luck with the reaction?"

Hamish:  "I am proud to say we've had success!  It's a great day for the empire!  God save the Queen!"

Dan:  "WTF?"

Hamish:  "Things seem a little sideways, there may have been some localized errors, but it's no bother.  Chin up."

Dan:  "You're fucking with me."

Hamish:  "What was  your first clue?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 09, 2020, 07:11:01 PM
I worry what the good doctor may be cooking up in his evil science facility, I come here to get my news, I want to know a little bit ahead of time if the universe is going to undergo a dramatic and nonsensical implosion.

EDIT: I don't want the universe to end while I have money in my pocket, if it must end I want to run out and buy a sandwich.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 18, 2020, 06:21:21 AM
Hi folks, my name is still Hamish Howl, and I still beat up electrons for money.

Well, for the moment, anyway.  The Client had a call from a congressman, who wanted to know why federal grant money is being used to fund a potential universe-ender.  It appears that either we or The Client have a rat.  I mentioned to the client that if there are aliens out there, one of them is probably doing what we're doing, or already has, and everything goes down the shitter anyway...So we may as well do it first.

The Client did not seem to realize the potential pitfalls of this project, even though I spelled it out in big block letters in each and every single report.  Which means he DID get it, and just didn't worry about it until the heat came down. 

I tried to reason with him.  A congressman can't give you grief if you already shut the universe off.  He pointed out that the universe-ending bit wasn't what the project was about, but just a side effect.

NEWS FLASH:  If you cause vacuum collapse, it doesn't *matter* what the main objectives were.

So I am guessing that the gravy train on this particular steaming pile of boondoggle is coming to an end.  Which sucks, really, because the theory could very well be sound, and it's just that we're cave men trying to build a space shuttle, accumulated knowledge-wise.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 18, 2020, 03:06:13 PM
Once it's all over, will you be able do discuss the details more?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 18, 2020, 09:16:21 PM
Quote from: LMNO on October 18, 2020, 03:06:13 PM
Once it's all over, will you be able do discuss the details more?

Yeah, but actual technical details don't belong to me, so I can only talk in generalities.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 19, 2020, 05:35:28 PM
This twerp is partially responsible.

https://arxiv.org/abs/1712.07962
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2020, 04:04:02 AM
The project is officially dead.  Like Nancy Spungeon dead.  Details tomorrow.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on October 21, 2020, 09:00:01 AM
I'm sorry for you loss, also that is a huge relief
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Brother Flight Risk on October 21, 2020, 10:54:04 AM
Reality is safe...for now.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 21, 2020, 02:16:43 PM
I have found that reality is rarely safe.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 21, 2020, 02:59:48 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 19, 2020, 05:35:28 PM
This twerp is partially responsible.

https://arxiv.org/abs/1712.07962

Quote from: partially responsible twerp
One of the more bizarre properties of negative mass is that
which occurs in positive–negative mass particle pairs. If both
masses have equal magnitude, then the particles undergo a process
of runaway motion. The net mass of the particle pair is equal to
zero. Consequently, the pair can eventually accelerate to a speed
equal to the speed of light, c.
This is where this guy lost me.[/quote]

Let's say we have a positive mass and negative mass particle (same magnitude, different signs) approaching each other (for them both to start out at rest seems unlikely).  Let's also assume they're not on a collision course.  As they get closer, the gravitational forces increase, and they begin accelerating in a direction corresponding to their relative position.

Since the particles are experiencing the same acceleration, their relative motion remains unchanged, and, since they're not on a collision course, they'll eventually start moving apart again.  But, at this point, the relative positions of the two have been reversed, and the acceleration will be in the opposite direction, which will cancel out the original acceleration, eventually restoring them to their original speed.

Post fly-by, the particles are going to have moved quite some distance away from their original location (given all the acceleration involved), and their trajectories will probably have deflected, but they aren't going to be moving any faster than they were at the beginning.  So, I don't see how you can get them up to c.  (Unless, perhaps, they start out their existence at exactly zero relative velocity, which would be a neat trick).

Maybe someone who actually understands physics can correct me.

(edit:  Hit modify instead of reply - Howl)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2020, 04:12:48 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on October 21, 2020, 02:59:48 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 19, 2020, 05:35:28 PM
This twerp is partially responsible.

https://arxiv.org/abs/1712.07962

Quote from: partially responsible twerp
One of the more bizarre properties of negative mass is that
which occurs in positive–negative mass particle pairs. If both
masses have equal magnitude, then the particles undergo a process
of runaway motion. The net mass of the particle pair is equal to
zero. Consequently, the pair can eventually accelerate to a speed
equal to the speed of light, c.
This is where this guy lost me.

That's because there's other mass in the universe, so this clown was forgetting Mach's Principle.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2020, 04:31:01 PM
Okay, so you have this blue sky project, right?  You've been told to force electrons to "tunnel".  You don't care why or how, just that they do it.  And that loads of them do it in a very short period of time.

So you smack them with lasers pulsing a few hundred thousand times per second, to make this happen (it doesn't, at least not that we could prove.).  This may involve side effects of particles going bad (whoopsie, sorry everyone).  But it doesn't work.

The goal of all of this lies in an obscure postulation from the 90s.  When electrons tunnel, the space surrounding them gets "greasy".  Some dumbfuck called it "quantum foam" (this included for LMNO's benefit), which allows you move in different ways (Hello, HP Lovecraft).  Like up in time, so long as you return within 1/100,000 of a second ahead of where you left off (in objective time.  How long you fucked off for is up to you and your ability to withstand being sand blasted by particles that you pass through fast enough for them to effectively count as radiation (If a bullet hits you at 700 MPH, are you any more dead than you hitting a bullet at 700 MPH?).  Oh, and your fuel source.  That's kind of important, too.)

Now, once you get upstream, a few things would supposedly happen.

1.  The universe has to collapse probability because there is an outside observer.  So you get *a* version of the future.  Lottery tickets will not help you.  This is a potential future.

2.  When you can no longer keep the universe greasy, you snap back to where you were.  The universe doesn't care what condition you're in, just that the conservation books are balanced. 

3.  When snapback occurs, the potential universe ceases to exist.  An omnicide every trip!

If this sounds like bad science fiction, it is.  Except for a few interesting lines of math, this is utter shit, and has been from the beginning.  However, we did learn a few new tricks with lasers, only the patent doesn't belong to us.


State Congressman XYZ:  "So you're telling me that every time you start that thing up, there is a miniscule chance of getting this "vacuum decay" and wiping out creation?"

Me:  "Yes."

SC:  "And were you planning on doing that?"

Me:  "I have been doing it every day for two weeks.  Imagine my disappointment."

SC:  "..."

Me:  *stares motherfuckerly*

SC:  "You're nuts."

Norton:  "Oh, shit, here we go."

SC:  "What?"

Me:  "They called me...mad.

*meeting ends, project scrapped, waiting for new assignment."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on October 21, 2020, 05:04:39 PM
I give it six months before the huge loss of distribution power is traced to the illegal lab built under Howls house. At which point it will be too late to stop him because he will have got the doomsday machine working despite the woolly physics, out of spite
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 21, 2020, 05:06:41 PM
Quote from: Faust on October 21, 2020, 05:04:39 PM
I give it six months before the huge loss of distribution power is traced to the illegal lab built under Howls house. At which point it will be too late to stop him because he will have got the doomsday machine working despite the woolly physics, out of spite

I'll show them.  I'll show them all.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 22, 2020, 01:14:59 PM
I'm a bit puzzled about how this got into the large-scale experimental phase, since the theory seems as flimsy as it is.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 22, 2020, 03:39:11 PM
Quote from: LMNO on October 22, 2020, 01:14:59 PM
I'm a bit puzzled about how this got into the large-scale experimental phase, since the theory seems as flimsy as it is.

This wasn't the large scale phase.  Our entire part of this was to see if these lasers could be used to influence particles.

The answer is "We don't know, but there is no data that indicates that we did shit except have a blinky-lights particle rave."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 23, 2020, 06:55:33 PM
Well, okay, never mind then.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: LMNO on October 23, 2020, 07:00:49 PM
I mean, you've pretty much covered it.  It sounded cool, and it sounded like you knew from the jump it probably wasn't gonna work, and you rode that train as long as you could.  Do you go back to creating the nanobot insurrection again?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 23, 2020, 07:16:28 PM
Quote from: LMNO on October 23, 2020, 07:00:49 PM
I mean, you've pretty much covered it.  It sounded cool, and it sounded like you knew from the jump it probably wasn't gonna work, and you rode that train as long as you could.  Do you go back to creating the nanobot insurrection again?

Naw, that's done.  I'm on the bench for a bit.  So they have me hauling people's budgets into daylight to see what wiggles, while the lab monkeys tear down the chamber and pack up the lasers.

No idea what's next.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on October 23, 2020, 10:29:46 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 23, 2020, 07:16:28 PM
Quote from: LMNO on October 23, 2020, 07:00:49 PM
I mean, you've pretty much covered it.  It sounded cool, and it sounded like you knew from the jump it probably wasn't gonna work, and you rode that train as long as you could.  Do you go back to creating the nanobot insurrection again?

Naw, that's done.  I'm on the bench for a bit.  So they have me hauling people's budgets into daylight to see what wiggles, while the lab monkeys tear down the chamber and pack up the lasers.

No idea what's next.

I have some ideas for multi application cryogenic projectiles and possibly near indefinite heat retention "battery" cubes. Not really informed enough technically to piece together the specifics, but I have visions in my head and what seems like some sort of "technical" specs in my head on a regular. For example what substance stays solid at extraordinary high temperatures in a hard vaccuum best, and what is that max temp?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 27, 2020, 05:55:11 PM
Dan:  "So, it's looking like Wyoming."

Me:  "By which you mean 'it looks like abject failure.'"

Dan:  "We can't afford a local move.  Wyoming will pay us to move."

Me:  "We print money.  Why can't we afford a local move?"

Dan:  "Because Wyoming will pay us to move."

Me:  "I will pay you $100 to stick your head in the dip tank."

Dan:  "..."

Me:  "Because that's what's happening here.  We are moving to a mile and a half altitude hellscape of awful weather and mosquitoes the size of baseballs so that we can save a few bucks."

Dan:  "It's not a few bucks."

Me:  "Have you asked how many people are willing to move to Wyoming?  Most people would rather go to Delaware.  Or the competition."

Dan:  "That's why I need you to help me sell this."

Me:  "Did you just say that with your bare face hanging out?"

Dan:  "Maybe that wasn't such a great idea."

Me:  "No, I can totally do this.  Imagine it.  'Hey, Norton, remember how I never ever lie to you?  Wyoming is gonna be great!  There's lots to do and more right wing troglodytes than you can shake a stick at.  We can stay warm by burning cow flops!  Imagine the exciting night life of being 800 MILES FROM ANYTHING WHATSOEVER!"

Dan:  "Stop."

Me:  "CAN'T STOP, WON'T STOP!  Once a year we can go hang out when the carnival is in town.  Rodeos 4 times a year.  Black flies!"

Dan:  "Oh, for the love of God..."

Me:  "Web-toed neighbors beating on drums at night.  Vile and arcane tomes they can't read!  Dick & Jane's Necronomicon Picture Book!"

Dan:  "Hamish..."

Me:  "A THOUSAND YEARS OF DARKNESS!"

Dan:  "Goddammit, Hamish..."

Me:  "THE ALBINO STOAT HAS BEEN SEEN AS FAR SOUTH AS SHERIDAN!  FLEE!  ALL IS LOST!"

Dan:  "HAMISH!"

Me:  "Yes?"

Dan:  "Can't you just say you're not on board with it?

Me:  "I like to stay positive."

Dan:  "Get out of my office."

Me:  "Righteo, I'll just start on that PR blitz."

Dan:  "unnnng"

Me:  "This is all normal, Dan."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on October 27, 2020, 09:18:14 PM
 :lulz: :lulz:

I almost peed at "albino stoat"!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 12, 2020, 03:28:05 AM
I gather I have a new project.  I get the files tomorrow.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: TheAudience on November 12, 2020, 02:46:30 PM
Were you able to avert the move to Wyoming?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 12, 2020, 02:52:10 PM
Quote from: TheAudience on November 12, 2020, 02:46:30 PM
Were you able to avert the move to Wyoming?

No idea.

However, this project is disgustingly portable and will not help me resist that move.  :tgrr:

On the plus side, I will spend a lot of time shooting things, so yay for me.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on November 12, 2020, 02:54:57 PM
What are the chances of accidentally causing Universal Crunch with this one?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 12, 2020, 02:58:31 PM
Quote from: Faust on November 12, 2020, 02:54:57 PM
What are the chances of accidentally causing Universal Crunch with this one?

Zero, this is more back to basics.  You shoot something/someone, but you miss.  Well now maybe you didn't.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on November 12, 2020, 03:13:42 PM
This doesnt sound like you will be able to order lasers/smoke machines/disco ball as easily, but I guess more accurate guns are good too.
When greenpeace stormed the building that makes the missile guidance chips, the reps response was "Do you really want less accurate missiles"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 12, 2020, 03:47:41 PM
Quote from: Faust on November 12, 2020, 03:13:42 PM
This doesnt sound like you will be able to order lasers/smoke machines/disco ball as easily, but I guess more accurate guns are good too.
When greenpeace stormed the building that makes the missile guidance chips, the reps response was "Do you really want less accurate missiles"

:lol:

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 12, 2020, 08:05:53 PM
75 caliber, you say?

I can definitely get used to this, even if it's a bench gun.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 13, 2020, 06:17:40 AM
What's the case length? If you can say, of course.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 13, 2020, 04:42:34 PM
Quote from: altered on November 13, 2020, 06:17:40 AM
What's the case length? If you can say, of course.

That's one of the things we have to establish.  The initial run is at 3.91".

I wish we would do things in metric, like civilized people.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 13, 2020, 08:48:21 PM
Crates of rifles arrive Monday.

Well, technically rifles, as they in fact have rifled barrels.  They just don't look much like firearms, so much as one of those sorts of shop tools that mystify people who don't work in the trades.  They will be attached to rails on fixed stands.  We have actually managed to suck all of the fun out of obscenely large bore firearms.  I am both proud and ashamed.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 14, 2020, 05:08:09 AM
I've seen stuff like those rail-rifles before. Rich people in Florida love 'em. Windage and elevation adjustment on the bench, no sights, use a spotter setup to zero. Weird things.

Eyeballing the dimensions here, this is a weird loading. That's something like 20x90mm, best guess is small arms -- you'd just use the Vulcan if you wanted something not man-portable. Something like a payload rifle (but I'm pretty sure that program's dead) or an anti-materiel role is my bet, or maybe (if it's straight-walled) something like a cousin to that weirdo Russian 12.7mm round for individual weapons (they have a revolver and a combat rifle in it, the damn freaks). Either way, small enough the recoil isn't unmanageable for a human being. Not a fire-from-the-shoulder thing, unless it's straightwalled case, but yeah.

Pretty sure you can't share and I'm not trying to guess, more just... this is my nerd spot right here. I love this shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 14, 2020, 05:36:45 AM
Quote from: altered on November 14, 2020, 05:08:09 AM
I've seen stuff like those rail-rifles before. Rich people in Florida love 'em. Windage and elevation adjustment on the bench, no sights, use a spotter setup to zero. Weird things.

Eyeballing the dimensions here, this is a weird loading. That's something like 20x90mm, best guess is small arms -- you'd just use the Vulcan if you wanted something not man-portable. Something like a payload rifle (but I'm pretty sure that program's dead) or an anti-materiel role is my bet, or maybe (if it's straight-walled) something like a cousin to that weirdo Russian 12.7mm round for individual weapons (they have a revolver and a combat rifle in it, the damn freaks). Either way, small enough the recoil isn't unmanageable for a human being. Not a fire-from-the-shoulder thing, unless it's straightwalled case, but yeah.

Pretty sure you can't share and I'm not trying to guess, more just... this is my nerd spot right here. I love this shit.

It's not the final scale.  It's just fucking weird because the bullet is loaded with electronics.

This at first seemed like another bozo idea, but it has actual potential.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on November 14, 2020, 07:05:26 AM
OH, I see where this goes from here. Very cool.

If it were up to me (it isn't and shouldn't be) I'd be tempted to make the projectiles into little copies of the old 13mm gyrojet bullets. Nothing says "hell yeah" like stuffing a wad of solid rocket fuel into the back of something you're gonna shoot out of a 20mm cannon.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2020, 05:01:20 PM
Norton:  "This is sick.  I can count 3 violations of the Geneva Convention right of the top of my head."

Me:  "Nonsense.  Its only a convention violation if these things get used in a war."

Norton:  "Where else would you use them?"

Me:  "Do you even have to ask?  Peaceful protestors are the new terrorists."

Norton:  "Oh.  OH."

Me:  "Don't let it bother you.  For all we know, these are designed for rich fatbacks to go elk hunting.  I mean, yeah, that makes this whole thing look like Michael Bay writing op eds in Fish and Game Magazine.  But also George Orwell writing policy for the Bureau of Land Management and maybe Guy Ritchie as the Attorney General.  But it won't be used militarily for three reasons."

Norton:  "Okay?"

Me:  "One:  It will be too effective."

Norton:  "And that's bad because...?"

Me:  "Because we will win wars too quickly and that's bad for the gravy train."

Norton:  "Okay, what's the second reason?"

Me:  "The DoD will not authorize the use of new weapons technology until it's old enough to be countered, because see reason #1."

Norton:  "That sounds cynical as hell, but also accurate."

Me:  "And the Department of Homeland Security has no such qualms, and they will hog them all up for use on teenagers in Portland."

Norton:  "eeeeee"

Me:  "It's not all bad.  Some of this will eventually go black market, and we'll have our own game of Gorkamorka that will last until the lights go out for the last time."

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "What, no objections?"

Norton:  "I'm kinda buying into this."

Me:  "WAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Norton:  "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

Dan *walking in*  "Who are we WAAAAAAAAGHing?"

Norton:  "Does it matter?"

Me:  "NEEDS MOAR DAKKA!"

Dan:  "Make moar dakka, then."

Norton and me:  "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!"

(Everyone I work with is a nerd.  Emmy has confirmed this.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 18, 2020, 06:40:10 PM
Overheard in the bathroom:

Dude 1:  "Why is your splash so loud?"

Dude 2:  "Because I'm pissing on your laptop bag."


Tensions seem to be ramping up just a bit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on November 25, 2020, 06:35:51 PM
Finally got round to catching up on the last couple of seasons of silicon valley. I totally read that as a conversation between Gilfoyle and Dinesh :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 01, 2020, 04:34:45 PM
Mass tells space how to bend, and space tells mass how to move.
Money tells the market how to trend, and the market tells money how to move.
Physics is what kills you, but it's biology that wants you dead.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on December 01, 2020, 05:31:37 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 01, 2020, 04:34:45 PM
Mass tells space how to bend, and space tells mass how to move.
Money tells the market how to trend, and the market tells money how to move.
Physics is what kills you, but it's biology that wants you dead.

:mittens:
Poetic and HORRIFYING as usual!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cramulus on December 02, 2020, 07:26:08 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 01, 2020, 04:34:45 PM
Mass tells space how to bend, and space tells mass how to move.
Money tells the market how to trend, and the market tells money how to move.
Physics is what kills you, but it's biology that wants you dead.

:mittens:

I really like that
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 17, 2020, 07:09:01 PM
New project file tomorrow!

:banana:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 21, 2020, 10:52:56 PM
At work today:

Dan:  "So, how do you feel about the new project?"

Me:  "It's good.  Very interesting stuff."

Dan:  "I always thought of you more as an 'explody' guy."

Me:  "Geez, you do a couple of weapons gigs and people think that's all you do."

Dan:  "Touchy, touchy."

Me:  "Besides, you could totally weaponize this."

Dan:  "Weaponizing...advertising analysis?"

Norton:  "You act like you've never sat through an election, Dan."

Me:  "Or watched people peddle dangerous drugs to old farts on the TV."

Norton:  "Or just wanted to be able to steer loads of people into doing what you want them to do."

Dan:  "You guys are just determining effect, not writing ads."

Me:  "Correct.  We are not trained in writing ads.  But what we're doing here will make the people who DO write ads more effective."

Norton:  "And that's what the world needs right now.  More effective ads."

Dan:  "Jesus, is this how you guys think all the time?"

Me:  "No, mostly just when I'm pimped out to figure out how effective dick pill ads are."

Norton:  "Yes, we're not really happy about that part of it."

Me:  "AND"

Dan:  "AND what?"

Me:  "And we will have our revenge."

Dan:  "I thought you said you were okay with it."

Me:  "That's before you reminded me of it."

Dan:  "You said it was interesting."

Norton:  "Much like advertisements, Hamish lies all the time."

Me:  "All MY lies are TRUE."

Dan:  "..."

Me:  "See?  I'm lying right now."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Johnny on December 22, 2020, 02:15:00 AM

Are you doing focus groups with people wired up? I suppose you cant talk about it
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 22, 2020, 04:34:40 AM
Quote from: The Johnny on December 22, 2020, 02:15:00 AM

Are you doing focus groups with people wired up? I suppose you cant talk about it

No, sadly, this is strict trends resulting from ads.  Raw data in digital format.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 31, 2020, 07:28:21 AM
WOOT.

More better project with murderbots AND neither Norton nor I have to go to Wyoming.  My boss does, though.

:hammer:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on December 31, 2020, 07:45:36 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 31, 2020, 07:28:21 AM
WOOT.

More better project with murderbots AND neither Norton nor I have to go to Wyoming.  My boss does, though.

:hammer:
EXTREMELY glad for you Howl! Also probably a wize business move on your employer's part. Moving you would almost certainly demotivate you, and I dare say you have some amount of passion for murderbots occupationally. Your boss getting shipped out is just a bit of extra Slack on your Slack cake really.
:monkeydance:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 12, 2021, 04:04:06 PM
Our huge-ass facility is moving across town.  I have 15 months to be complete.  Bear in mind that the monster CNC tooling will take 11 months to move, and I need a month to let their pads cure ahead of that.

Today I was reprimanded by the CEO for planning the move.  Not for taking concrete steps, but for making plans (ie, where do we need electricity and how much, etc).

This will end nicely for everyone, I think.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on January 12, 2021, 05:26:26 PM
Thinking ahead? How dare you? No-one gave your permission to think.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 12, 2021, 06:17:01 PM
thought is abomination
action is abomination
foresight is heresy
only naptime until i decide otherwise and then you should have been secretly ass-in-gear months ago
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 12, 2021, 06:41:23 PM
Quote from: Cain on January 12, 2021, 05:26:26 PM
Thinking ahead? How dare you? No-one gave your permission to think.

I am occasionally reminded that my paychecks are signed by the lovechild of Emperor Palpatine and Bricktop.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 12, 2021, 06:50:02 PM
I mean, at least they're real. Someone you describe that way, I'd expect 18th century factory-town company scrip to start, and getting worse from there.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 12, 2021, 09:44:17 PM
CEO:  "Get rid of that electrical contractor.  I want to use <other contractor>."

Me:  "<Other contractor> has given us a no bid, due to being too busy."

CEO:  "You heard me."

Me:  "Oki doki."

CEO:  "What, no pushback?"

Me:  "Nope.  You own the company, you can micromanage it into insolvency if you want to."

CEO:  "..."

Me:  "That's an alarming shade of purple, boss."

CEO:  "Explain to me why I shouldn't fire you on the spot."

Me:  "I can't think of a single reason.  Assuming, of course, that you know someone who can handle the new EPA permitting, the existing EPA issues, and can conduct day to day business without all those annoying 'ethical' concerns and constant pissing and moaning about the effect of our company on the world."

CEO:  "Dammit, just get me <other corporation>.  I've known that guy for years."

Me:  "That might be the problem, apparently it took you 3 years to pay him last time."

CEO:  "Bullshit."

Me:  "Nope.  38 months, to be exact.  I saw the old lien papers he had on you."

CEO:  "That was him?"

Me:  "Well, this is that guy's son.  That guy himself has been dead for 5 years."

CEO:  "Well, shit."

Me:  "So can I call the contractor back?"

CEO:  "Let me think about it."

Me:  *hums Jeopardy tune*

CEO:  "YARGANARG!"

But Hamish was gone, like a fart in the night.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 12, 2021, 09:44:48 PM
It is worth mentioning that our CEO is old.  Like really old.  Like Yoda ancient.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on January 20, 2021, 07:34:25 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 01, 2020, 04:34:45 PM
Mass tells space how to bend, and space tells mass how to move.
Money tells the market how to trend, and the market tells money how to move.
Physics is what kills you, but it's biology that wants you dead.
This. This right here.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 22, 2021, 07:26:34 PM
Okay, cleaning out the back lab for the move.  83 chemicals to be lab-packed off, 8 of which are unknown, another one that's probably cyanide, and 1 big leaking drum of nitric acid.

Last purchase date was 1978.  Norton is suitably horrified, but I assured him that this is all normal.  Which, you know, it is.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 22, 2021, 07:35:43 PM
Hey, at least you /probably/ don't have 50 year old ether lying around, all crusty with peroxides. That'd be a hell of a field trip.

That nitric acid though ... I wonder how much of the contents, by weight, are ghastly green iron nitride sludge.

I once heard of unknown lab chemicals being identified by giving samples to interns or students (I think it was students, but it's been awhile) and assigning them the task of identifying them. You just tell them they are "reasonably common lab reagents or can be made by such" and accept whatever they tell you as gospel truth, apparently. I don't recall if that process ended in anyone missing limbs, but one does have to wonder.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 22, 2021, 07:38:26 PM
Also, it's so normal that I can't believe Norton's horrified by it. Pretty much every chemist I've ever known has a dozen stories of the office off of the main lab that had hundred year old equipment gathering dust and a shelving unit bowing under the weight of totally unidentifiable compounds, most of which required a bomb squad or hazmat team to dispose of when the time came to clean it all out. This exact room seems to exist in every chemistry lab in every university on the planet.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 22, 2021, 08:11:56 PM
Quote from: altered on January 22, 2021, 07:38:26 PM
Also, it's so normal that I can't believe Norton's horrified by it. Pretty much every chemist I've ever known has a dozen stories of the office off of the main lab that had hundred year old equipment gathering dust and a shelving unit bowing under the weight of totally unidentifiable compounds, most of which required a bomb squad or hazmat team to dispose of when the time came to clean it all out. This exact room seems to exist in every chemistry lab in every university on the planet.

Norton is young, and honestly believes that things are done properly in most places.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 22, 2021, 11:15:17 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 22, 2021, 07:26:34 PM
... and 1 big leaking drum of nitric acid.
Although I lack direct experience in such matters, I think I would prefer a leaking drum to a swollen one.


Quote from: altered on January 22, 2021, 07:35:43 PM
That nitric acid though ... I wonder how much of the contents, by weight, are ghastly green iron nitride sludge.
You have brought to mind a quote:

Mixed acid, of course, didn't give off those NO2 fumes, and everybody was convinced, as late as 1949, that it didn't corrode stainless steel.  [...]

Well, everybody had been wrong. The acid doesn't corrode stainless—at first. But after an induction period, which may vary from minutes to months, and which depends upon the acid composition and particularly the percentage of water, the temperature, the past history of the steel, and presumably upon the state of the moon, the corrosion starts and proceeds apace. The eventual results are worse than with RFNA. Not only is the quality of the acid degraded and the drum damaged, but a thick, heavy, greenish-gray sludge of loathsome appearance, revolting properties, and mysterious composition forms and deposits. I have seen drums of mixed acid with twelve solid inches of sludge on the bottom. To make things worse, pressure gradually builds up in the drum or tank car, which has to be vented periodically.

    -- John D. Clark
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 22, 2021, 11:22:55 PM
Yep. Ignition! is a favorite.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Zenpatista on January 31, 2021, 02:53:06 AM
Poor Norton. A *drum* of nitric acid is terrifying. We might have a wider variety of chemical horror at the university, but you guys make up for it with sheer volume. I'm glad it's just a move across town though.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2021, 04:29:56 AM
Quote from: Zenpatista on January 31, 2021, 02:53:06 AM
Poor Norton. A *drum* of nitric acid is terrifying. We might have a wider variety of chemical horror at the university, but you guys make up for it with sheer volume. I'm glad it's just a move across town though.

Same.

Also, we do not store nitrates next to organics, or acid next to oxidizers.  Not sure why I still have to be saying this.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 31, 2021, 04:33:12 AM
ALSO, I AM REASONABLY SURE THE SDS FOR CHROMIC ACID DOES *NOT* SAY "IF GLASS BOTTLE IS DAMAGED, WRAP IT IN PLASTIC."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 31, 2021, 11:15:20 PM
Who the FUCK did that, can you track them down, and can you give it back to them without legal repercussions? jesus fuck
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2021, 02:00:39 PM
Quote from: altered on January 31, 2021, 11:15:20 PM
Who the FUCK did that, can you track them down, and can you give it back to them without legal repercussions? jesus fuck

It was us.  I mean, some of us that are no longer us, but instead are now them.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2021, 03:24:12 PM
At work today

Norton:  "Good morning, old man."

Me:  "Don't you old man me, whelp.  I once beat William F. Buckley Jr in a fair fight."

Norton:  "What?"

Me:  "A fair fight.  I had a baseball bat and he had emphysema."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: ReverendJesus on February 02, 2021, 11:30:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2021, 03:24:12 PM
Me:  "A fair fight.  I had a baseball bat and he had emphysema."

Damn, y'all must do fairs differently in AZ; we usually just get some shitty 80's band and a Ferris Wheel.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2021, 11:40:36 PM
Quote from: ReverendJesus on February 02, 2021, 11:30:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2021, 03:24:12 PM
Me:  "A fair fight.  I had a baseball bat and he had emphysema."

Damn, y'all must do fairs differently in AZ; we usually just get some shitty 80's band and a Ferris Wheel.

We get THUNDERDOME.  Only without the dome.  Or the thunder.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 03, 2021, 05:34:57 PM
So, the new facility is 105,000 ft^2, plus offices.

We need 102,000 ft^2 plus offices.

I have just been told that to help recoup expenses, we will be leasing 25,000 ft^2 out for storage to another firm.  Also, the floor plan we developed based on available utilities and scrubbers has been scrubbed, and the layout will be decided on by everyone except facilities and engineering.  Marketing, for example, has some good ideas about machine tool placement.

This will cost about $759,000 in additional electrical work, plus another $80,000 in permit changes, not to mention the permanent loss of revenue due to decreased efficiency of the production lines (which are more "weird figure 8s" than "lines".)

We now have 422 days total (293 regular workdays) to complete this move.  The machine tools will now take 450 days to move, assuming we want to keep production going during the move.

I should have gone to Wyoming, really.



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on February 03, 2021, 05:41:59 PM
The math doesnt add upon that floor space if you lease out the 25k  unless the marketing department are planning on sitting in the carpark which sounds like a good idea after the rest of what you have described
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 03, 2021, 05:43:09 PM
Quote from: Faust on February 03, 2021, 05:41:59 PM
The math doesnt add upon that floor space if you lease out the 25k  unless the marketing department are planning on sitting in the carpark which sounds like a good idea after the rest of what you have described

Well, yeah.  Marketing doesn't care because they're in the office area which isn't impacted.

The thing is, this is a bunch of dick waving while our deadline ticks away.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 22, 2021, 04:30:08 PM
Norton is slacking off from work today, receiving his "masters degree" in chemistry.  What's more, he's already been picked up by a multinational, so he leaves on 1 March.

It's just as well...once they have their advanced degree, you can't pay them in Ramen anymore.

So before he leaves, I've been having him draw up some prints on a scaled drawing of the new plant.  When he comes back tomorrow, I will have to let him know that he used the wrong scale.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2021, 02:55:06 AM
Things I said at work today:

1.  "Walter, you are replacing a guy named Norton, who seemed to be in a big hurry to leave when he got his masters.  But never mind that, you'll be fine.  We always treat our grad students with all the respect they deserve."
2.  "Has anyone seen the stealth drone we were ready to test?"
3.  "Did Goldfinger ever have days like this?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 02, 2021, 11:15:06 PM
Today at work:

Me:  "Okay, Walter, we have a technical challenge ahead of us, here.  <explains challenge>."

Walter:  "Sounds doable.  Only one problem."

Me:  "Yeah?"

Walter:  "My name isn't Walter,  it's Brian."

Me:  "We already have a Brian, so I reassigned your name."

Walter:  "..."

Me:  "So, how do you propose we deal with <technical problem>?

Walter:  "..."

John:  "This is how it is now, Walter.  We can't have any confusion."

Walter:  "What will my paychecks say?"

John:  "Brian."

Me:  "But we know differently, don't we?"

Walter:  "..."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 12, 2021, 07:00:06 PM
Today at work:

Me:  "Holy shit, it mostly works."

Walter:  "I can still see it, but not clearly."

Me:  "We're 20 feet away from it in a well lit room.  I bet you money you won't see it tonight on the range without thermal sights even if you know where to look."

Walter:  "I think you're right.  Um."

Me:  "What's 'um'?"

Walter:  "This is actually kinda bad.  I mean, that it works."

Me:  "How so?  We will have completed our contractual obligations early and thus get a fat bonus."

Walter:  "But this is bad."

Me:  "The time to notice that was when we started."

Walter:  "This could be abused."

Me:  "It can ONLY be abused.  It was designed to be abused.  The entire CONCEPT is abuse."

Walter:  "So we're the bad guys?"

Me:  "Well, we're certainly not the good guys."

Walter:  "I don't know if I can keep doing this sort of job."

Me:  "Well, if you like dull species extinction, quit."

Walter:  "What?"

Me:  "Our species is doomed.  Mostly likely it will happen in a boring way, like drowning in our own waste.  Or we can give the apocalypse a little opera."

Walter:  "..."

Me:  "Dying miserably from starvation during endless storms and droughts, or horrible invisible drones of buzzing death?  You gotta choose."

Walter:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Walter."

Walter:  "My name is Brian."

Me:  "We've talked about this."

Walter: "..."

Me:  "We're going to do..."

Walter:  "Don't say it."

Me:  "Great things, Walter.  Great things."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 14, 2021, 05:06:33 AM
It just occurred to me that I actually DO work at HIMEOBS.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 15, 2021, 07:01:06 PM
Next phase of the project:  ZOMBIE DRONES.  OMFG, I'M GONNA SQUEE!

This is actually the future I was threatened with as an unruly child promised.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on March 15, 2021, 10:53:57 PM
As in cadavers plus actuators?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 15, 2021, 11:39:39 PM
Quote from: Faust on March 15, 2021, 10:53:57 PM
As in cadavers plus actuators?

No, it's not THAT cool.

But it's still cool.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 16, 2021, 04:04:49 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 15, 2021, 07:01:06 PM
Next phase of the project:  ZOMBIE DRONES.  OMFG, I'M GONNA SQUEE!

This is actually the future I was threatened with as an unruly child promised.

In the event of a central control failure, the Drone Group will immediately switch to Autonomous Death Swarm configuration.  All self-preservation protocols will be disengaged, coordination will switch to the "mesh" mode, and the group will swarm the nearest target of opportunity, destroying themselves as necessary.  This protocol is intended as a countermeasure to preclude disabling a Drone Group by destroying its central control.

"Cut off the head, and the body flies at you, mercilessly."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2021, 04:32:14 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on March 16, 2021, 04:04:49 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 15, 2021, 07:01:06 PM
Next phase of the project:  ZOMBIE DRONES.  OMFG, I'M GONNA SQUEE!

This is actually the future I was threatened with as an unruly child promised.

In the event of a central control failure, the Drone Group will immediately switch to Autonomous Death Swarm configuration.  All self-preservation protocols will be disengaged, coordination will switch to the "mesh" mode, and the group will swarm the nearest target of opportunity, destroying themselves as necessary.  This protocol is intended as a countermeasure to preclude disabling a Drone Group by destroying its central control.

"Cut off the head, and the body flies at you, mercilessly."

That's not a bad idea at all, but it's not what goes on here.

Drones park where they can recharge via induction or whatever, and then they just go dormant, totally passive.  A few here, a few there.  Then they wait until a command from another drone or a human operator tells them to do something.  Whatever that something is, "Hey we have a bazillion cameras right where we need them" for one kind of drone, and "horrible cloud of surprise DEFF" for another kind.

The trick is durability.  This gag only works if they can sit for 3-5 years.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on March 16, 2021, 12:00:02 PM
That's not a zombie and you know it. Sure it's cool as fuck and I can't wait to start hacking these things in the field for profit and lulz but damn you all to hell for getting my hopes up! :argh!:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2021, 02:41:32 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on March 16, 2021, 12:00:02 PM
That's not a zombie and you know it. Sure it's cool as fuck and I can't wait to start hacking these things in the field for profit and lulz but damn you all to hell for getting my hopes up! :argh!:

If you can hack them in the field, you deserve to keep them.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on March 16, 2021, 02:45:34 PM
I remember reading about the drone that was tricked into landing, not by hacking any of its equipment but by faking a GPS signal telling it the landing pad was near by. Those guys definitely deserved to keep their spoils
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 07, 2021, 03:11:53 PM
The boss has, this morning, asked me if we can install a SCADA system in the new building.

Of course we can, it just takes money and time.  Not that we have much to track.  10 HVAC units, 3 injection molding machines, 25 large CNC machines, 4 ovens, and a couple of the proprietary instruments that are already reporting.

But what the man wants, the man gets.  Mostly because I will wind up stealing money from the ballistics geeks to do it, and I hate the ballistics geeks.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on April 08, 2021, 12:22:00 AM
This is the only reason I still check these forums. Looking forward to more posts.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 08, 2021, 02:26:08 AM
Quote from: Fujikoma on April 08, 2021, 12:22:00 AM
This is the only reason I still check these forums. Looking forward to more posts.

It's been a bit, I know.  But sometimes it's just regular boring work stuff.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on April 08, 2021, 03:57:37 PM
Yeah, no need to stress the genius at work, this epic takes a long time to compose.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Lord Batwing Candlewaxxe on April 14, 2021, 02:35:10 PM
Having recently joined the forum, I've been binging on this thread all week, with a stimulating mix of horrified amusement and amused horror.

Shades of Simon Travaglia.  I eagerly await the next installment in the saga.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2021, 03:53:09 PM
Quote from: Lord Batwing Candlewaxxe on April 14, 2021, 02:35:10 PM
Having recently joined the forum, I've been binging on this thread all week, with a stimulating mix of horrified amusement and amused horror.

Shades of Simon Travaglia.  I eagerly await the next installment in the saga.

Well, the saga gets written as it happens, and it's sorta died down after Norton left.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 20, 2021, 06:56:16 PM
Jared from accounting:  "Your bottom line is too high."

Me:  "And so?"

Jared:  "That's bad."

Me:  "It's irrelevant."

Jared:  "What, no..."

Me:  "Sorry your MBA instructors lied to you.   When taken at the end of the fiscal year, the bottom line means nothing.  Nothing at all.  All that matters is margin.  How is our margin?"

Jared:  "Pretty good, really, but..."

Me:  "But shut up."

Jared:  "..."

Me:  "What matters at the end of the year is how much money we have.  That is dictated by margin.  The difference between the top and bottom lines.  If you insist on making category errors by making a single part of the equation the defining metric, you will start losing money.  Sooner rather than later."

Jared:  "But..."

Me:  "Do I have to explain to you the difference - and the results thereof - between 'money' and 'no money'?  You can save yourself right out of business, if you're diligent and work hard enough."

Jared:  "You can't just keep spending money."

Me:  "I can.  I will.  When my margin drops, then you can bitch.  I might even listen.  Until then, I consider you to be a failure at basic algebra.  You have x revenue minus y expenses to get z profit.  You are looking at the equation as if x were a constant, so you are trying to reduce y, when y is what allows you IN THE REAL WORLD to increase x more than you increased y.  This is in fact the ENTIRE BASIS OF HOW A COMPANY WORKS."

Jared: "..."

Me:  "They didn't teach you that in MBA school?"

Jared:  "I don't have to take this shit from a jumped up grease monkey."

Me:  "The evidence suggests you do, and more than that, that you SHOULD.  But I think I get it.  Some dumbass up front - and I know which one - gave you a KPI based on the bottom line, right?"

Jared:  *mumble*

Me:  "I am ancient and vile and deaf as a post.  What was that."

Jared:  "Yes."

Me:  "I can fix that for you.  By which I mean, I can go carve a chunk out of his ass...Which is no more than he deserves for aiming some zygote MBA dweeb after me."

Walter:  *struggles to avoid laughter*

Me:  *glares at Walter*

Jared:  "What's with him?"

Me:  "Oh, a week back he said Voyager was perfectly good Star Trek, so I took his speaking privileges away for a month so that he can meditate on his error."

Jared:  "What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Me:  "Nothing is wrong with me, except that I have a bean counter in my lab.  Now fuck off, if I catch you back here again, I'll turn you over to Emmy."

Jared:  "..."

Me:  "This is all normal, Jared."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 06, 2021, 09:00:39 PM
Me:  "I have been considering the idea of a Smart Cow."

Dan:  "A what?"

Me:  "Weaponized cattle."

Dan:  "How does that work?"

Me:  "You take a cow and duct tape a laser pointer to one side of its head, and a webcam to the other side.  Then you drop it out of a bomber on your enemy's house."

Dan:  "..."

Me:  "This has many benefits.  First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.  Second, it shows complete disdain for his air defenses.  'We're so not afraid of you that we penetrated your SAM network to drop livestock on your house.'  Third, if you actually get the bastard, there is no funnier way to off a foreign head of state.  Fourth, it provides food to the people your enemy is oppressing."

Dan:  "You're a raving loon."

Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

Me:  "Son of a bitch."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on May 07, 2021, 03:31:55 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 06, 2021, 09:00:39 PM
Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

I think more analysis is needed before dismissing this as unprofitable.  A full outfitted Smart Cow costs, what, $3000?  But how much bomb can you get for a measly $3k?  That would barely get you a 50-gallon plastic drum filled with black powder. In terms of shock-and-awe-to-cost ratio, I think the cow comes out ahead.  It also meshes nicely with the Air Force's fetish for multirole systems.  It's a bomb!  It's a lawnmower!  It's what's for supper!

You might need more "value added" beyond the laser pointer and the webcam, though.  Maybe equip the cow with a drone launcher.  Wasn't teaching the drones to identify livestock part of an earlier project?  They could be configured to attack everything non-cow.  The sight of a uniformed cow grazing placidly amidst a swarm of hot death wouldn't be good for enemy morale.

Quote
First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.
I've heard a theory that Reagan successfully employed that tactic against the Soviets during the Cold War, although it wasn't intentional on his part.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 07, 2021, 04:02:26 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on May 07, 2021, 03:31:55 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 06, 2021, 09:00:39 PM
Me:  "I did the math, you can fit 22 average cows into the bomb bay of a B52."

Dan:  "We can't present this to the board."

Me:  "Why the hell not?"

Dan:  "There's no actual money in it."

I think more analysis is needed before dismissing this as unprofitable.  A full outfitted Smart Cow costs, what, $3000?  But how much bomb can you get for a measly $3k?  That would barely get you a 50-gallon plastic drum filled with black powder. In terms of shock-and-awe-to-cost ratio, I think the cow comes out ahead.  It also meshes nicely with the Air Force's fetish for multirole systems.  It's a bomb!  It's a lawnmower!  It's what's for supper!

You might need more "value added" beyond the laser pointer and the webcam, though.  Maybe equip the cow with a drone launcher.  Wasn't teaching the drones to identify livestock part of an earlier project?  They could be configured to attack everything non-cow.  The sight of a uniformed cow grazing placidly amidst a swarm of hot death wouldn't be good for enemy morale.

Quote
First, it tells your opponent that you're not playing with a full deck of cards and should not be trifled with.
I've heard a theory that Reagan successfully employed that tactic against the Soviets during the Cold War, although it wasn't intentional on his part.

If I was president, nobody would ever sleep again.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: P3nT4gR4m on May 07, 2021, 08:55:57 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 07, 2021, 04:02:26 AM
If I was president, nobody would ever sleep again.

This has to happen. You are the government humanity deserves!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on May 07, 2021, 10:58:25 AM
Supposedly there's a 330 million ton, half a mile fatberg somewhere under the UK they're dealing with. Gross. I'd never heard of a fatberg until I read this thread.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 07, 2021, 03:11:31 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on May 07, 2021, 10:58:25 AM
Supposedly there's a 330 million ton, half a mile fatberg somewhere under the UK they're dealing with. Gross. I'd never heard of a fatberg until I read this thread.

There is really nothing more horrible than a fatberg, and the fact that there is a 330 Mn ton one in existence gives me peace and contentment.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on May 07, 2021, 07:08:21 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 07, 2021, 03:11:31 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on May 07, 2021, 10:58:25 AM
Supposedly there's a 330 million ton, half a mile fatberg somewhere under the UK they're dealing with. Gross. I'd never heard of a fatberg until I read this thread.

There is really nothing more horrible than a fatberg, and the fact that there is a 330 Mn ton one in existence gives me peace and contentment.

Apparently it's in the sewers stopping up a river of shit and is made up of stuff more than just fat and grease, but like, feminine hygiene products, wet-wipes, diapers, and whatever else you can force down a toilet with enough plunging. Apparently there's a team of folks who deal with this stuff as it arises. I do not envy them, though I do hope they are well-paid.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 27, 2021, 11:22:35 PM
So, today I bought the old building back from the potheads and sold them the new building, with a 10% positive difference, and neither one of us has to pay municipal taxes for two years, because we are both *technically* moving a business into the city (both businesses are changing zip codes).

I shouldn't be proud of this sort of shit, but I am actually proud of this shit.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: TheAudience on May 28, 2021, 12:29:15 AM
Yeah, proud is probably the right reaction. Good on Ya!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 28, 2021, 06:45:49 PM
Today:

Me:  "Okay, so I can get that sick new PLC software now, right?"

Dan:  "Sorry, there is no money."

Me:  "WTF?  I just recovered $780K AND saved us $1.5 million in moving costs."

Dan:  "Moving costs?  I know nothing of these 'moving costs'."

Me:  "Oh, you son of a bitch.  It's a lousy $9K."

Dan:  "9K is a lot of money."

Me:  "9K doesn't even show up on my budget."

Dan:  "See?  There is no $9K."

Me:  *incoherent screaming*.

Dan:  "This is all normal, Hamish."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 14, 2021, 06:59:28 PM
One of my technicians didn't show up today.

Because on Friday afternoon, he did the road rage thing and shot a 50 year old man to death and wounded the man's 6 year old grandson.

There is no joy in Mudville.

https://tucson.com/news/local/man-turns-himself-in-after-deadly-shooting-near-south-side-tucson-store/article_aab2288e-cbab-11eb-8be7-e7b722599bc5.html
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on June 14, 2021, 11:40:40 PM
What the actual fuck? I suppose it's a good thing he never had a case of "work rage".
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2021, 04:46:59 AM
Quote from: Fujikoma on June 14, 2021, 11:40:40 PM
What the actual fuck? I suppose it's a good thing he never had a case of "work rage".

That was in fact the hot topic of the water cooler crowd today.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on June 15, 2021, 12:45:36 PM
I've been reading about an awful lot of incidents similar to this lately, people who just flew off the chain and killed people over little shit, like just recently in Georgia four were shot, including the gunman, and one store clerk died because a customer was asked to put on a fucking mask, there was the road rage incident in California where a 5-6 year old boy was shot and died in the backseat of a car, there's more, but listing all of them would be draining, there was the religious guy in Georgia who went through shooting up Asian massage parlors in Georgia because of his "sex addiction"...

Maybe I'm late to the party but it would seem we need to rethink a few things about the right to bear arms.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Lord Batwing Candlewaxxe on June 15, 2021, 03:30:57 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on June 15, 2021, 12:45:36 PM
I've been reading about an awful lot of incidents similar to this lately, people who just flew off the chain and killed people over little shit, like just recently in Georgia four were shot, including the gunman, and one store clerk died because a customer was asked to put on a fucking mask,

There has been so much anti-mask conspiracy theory rhetoric (QAnon, etc.) that I'm rather surprised that this didn't happen a lot sooner, like the Pizzagate thing.

Quotethere was the road rage incident in California where a 5-6 year old boy was shot and died in the backseat of a car, there's more, but listing all of them would be draining, there was the religious guy in Georgia who went through shooting up Asian massage parlors in Georgia because of his "sex addiction"...

The mainstream news media leaned in hard to Long's sex-addiction claim; but tended to downplay his history of racism and misogyny.

QuoteMaybe I'm late to the party but it would seem we need to rethink a few things about the right to bear arms.

At least until Americans as a whole grow up and stop acting like spoiled two-year-olds.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 01, 2021, 06:07:38 PM
Today at work:

Luis:  "I think I'm ready to retire."

Me:  "By an odd coincidence, your pay went up $5/hour."

Luis:  "But I'm tired.  I want to go home.  I'll be 69 next week."

Me:  "If you work a year or two at the new rate, your social security checks will be measurably larger, AND you'll get the higher rate for late retirement."

Luis:  "You son of a bitch."

Me:  "We're going to do great things.  Forever."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 28, 2021, 08:57:05 PM
Today at work:

CEO:  "Hey, Hamish..."

Me:  "Hamvin."

CEO: "What?"

Me:  "Hamvin.  Me and Kevin accidentally got fused and..."

CEO:  "You are so goddamn weird."

Me:  "Boss, I'm building a drone that goes up the sewer pipes into peoples' toilets.  This is an all-new nightmare.  Do you have some NORMAL people around to build that?"

Walter:  "He's right, man this is pretty fucked up."

Me:  "You hush, Walter, we're building a better world."

Walter: "I thought you said toilet drones."

Me:  "I did.  That's a better world than a world with no toilet drones."

CEO:  *walks out*

Walter:  "I'm going to the can."

Me:  "Can you hold it like 7 minutes?"

Walter:  *looks startled*

Me:  "A better world, Walter."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on July 29, 2021, 04:55:04 PM
I have questions:
Was the 7 minutes needed to get the drone OUT, or to get it IN before he arrived.

How does this identify if it has its target: has it got a variation on facial detection techniques for ass cheeks?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on July 29, 2021, 04:58:03 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 28, 2021, 08:57:05 PM
Me:  "Boss, I'm building a drone that goes up the sewer pipes into peoples' toilets.  This is an all-new nightmare.  Do you have some NORMAL people around to build that?"

I was thinking about countermeasures for this.  By the time I figured that we might need an encrypted data channel between the toilet flush controller and the sewage interlock, it became clear that:

1.  I don't understand much about plumbing.
2.  Any travelling heads of state would be best served to request a hotel room without a toilet, and they will just have to go in a chamber pot.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Brother Flight Risk on July 30, 2021, 11:02:21 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on July 29, 2021, 04:58:03 PM
2.  Any travelling heads of state would be best served to request a hotel room without a toilet, and they will just have to go in a chamber pot.

"The Right Honourable Member will be curling one out under Victorian Protocol."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 05:07:37 PM
Quote from: Faust on July 29, 2021, 04:55:04 PM
I have questions:
Was the 7 minutes needed to get the drone OUT, or to get it IN before he arrived.

How does this identify if it has its target: has it got a variation on facial detection techniques for ass cheeks?

1.  In.  I might have to use the toilet, after all.

2.  It's not very discriminating.  37C +/2.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 05:08:47 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on July 29, 2021, 04:58:03 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 28, 2021, 08:57:05 PM
Me:  "Boss, I'm building a drone that goes up the sewer pipes into peoples' toilets.  This is an all-new nightmare.  Do you have some NORMAL people around to build that?"

I was thinking about countermeasures for this.  By the time I figured that we might need an encrypted data channel between the toilet flush controller and the sewage interlock, it became clear that:

1.  I don't understand much about plumbing.
2.  Any travelling heads of state would be best served to request a hotel room without a toilet, and they will just have to go in a chamber pot.

For most buildings, the sewer interlock is just a 180 degree trap, like you have under your sink.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on July 30, 2021, 05:55:27 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 05:07:37 PM
Quote from: Faust on July 29, 2021, 04:55:04 PM
I have questions:
Was the 7 minutes needed to get the drone OUT, or to get it IN before he arrived.

How does this identify if it has its target: has it got a variation on facial detection techniques for ass cheeks?

1.  In.  I might have to use the toilet, after all.

2.  It's not very discriminating.  37C +/2.

Imagine the scene from predator where he tricks the thermal sensor with mud to cool his skin, but in the bathroom and not the jungle, and not with mud
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 06:39:17 PM
Quote from: Faust on July 30, 2021, 05:55:27 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 05:07:37 PM
Quote from: Faust on July 29, 2021, 04:55:04 PM
I have questions:
Was the 7 minutes needed to get the drone OUT, or to get it IN before he arrived.

How does this identify if it has its target: has it got a variation on facial detection techniques for ass cheeks?

1.  In.  I might have to use the toilet, after all.

2.  It's not very discriminating.  37C +/2.

Imagine the scene from predator where he tricks the thermal sensor with mud to cool his skin, but in the bathroom and not the jungle, and not with mud

This was in fact brought up by myself and two others, and dismissed by our clients.

So we had it written into the contract that we are not responsible for stirred shit.  No kidding.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on July 30, 2021, 07:35:48 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 05:08:47 PM
For most buildings, the sewer interlock is just a 180 degree trap, like you have under your sink.

That much I know, but I assumed a drone would be able to navigate a regular trap (it might impose some size limitations, but this critter is already capable of ascending a ten-foot pipe, so I expect mobility is solvable).

What I had in mind was putting two valves in series downstream of the toilet, designed such that only one of them could open at a time (like an airlock).  The toilet flushes, the first valve opens, poop passes, then it closes, then the second valve opens, the idea being that there is always a physical barrier to anything moving upstream.  This would be an expensive retrofit, would be susceptible to clogging, and probably wouldn't even be very effective (if the drone just stops and waits, couldn't it get past the valves in two flushes, anyway?)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 11:38:25 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on July 30, 2021, 07:35:48 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on July 30, 2021, 05:08:47 PM
For most buildings, the sewer interlock is just a 180 degree trap, like you have under your sink.

That much I know, but I assumed a drone would be able to navigate a regular trap (it might impose some size limitations, but this critter is already capable of ascending a ten-foot pipe, so I expect mobility is solvable).

What I had in mind was putting two valves in series downstream of the toilet, designed such that only one of them could open at a time (like an airlock).  The toilet flushes, the first valve opens, poop passes, then it closes, then the second valve opens, the idea being that there is always a physical barrier to anything moving upstream.  This would be an expensive retrofit, would be susceptible to clogging, and probably wouldn't even be very effective (if the drone just stops and waits, couldn't it get past the valves in two flushes, anyway?)

That would be awesome the first time the lower valve malfunctions.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2021, 07:17:34 PM
And our founder/CEO died.  His three bickering children - all of whom hate each other and everything their dad built - are now in charge of the company.

Time to look for a job.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 03, 2021, 12:05:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2021, 07:17:34 PM
And our founder/CEO died.  His three bickering children - all of whom hate each other and everything their dad built - are now in charge of the company.

Time to look for a job.
Damn sorry to hear that man.
Do you have some breathing room or did they just halt The Science immediately?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on August 03, 2021, 12:20:39 AM
How soon before each of them come to you for armourments for a literal war of succession
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2021, 04:39:20 PM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on August 03, 2021, 12:05:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2021, 07:17:34 PM
And our founder/CEO died.  His three bickering children - all of whom hate each other and everything their dad built - are now in charge of the company.

Time to look for a job.
Damn sorry to hear that man.
Do you have some breathing room or did they just halt The Science immediately?

I have some time.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Wizard Joseph on August 04, 2021, 04:50:52 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 03, 2021, 04:39:20 PM
Quote from: The Wizard Joseph on August 03, 2021, 12:05:58 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 02, 2021, 07:17:34 PM
And our founder/CEO died.  His three bickering children - all of whom hate each other and everything their dad built - are now in charge of the company.

Time to look for a job.
Damn sorry to hear that man.
Do you have some breathing room or did they just halt The Science immediately?

I have some time.

Glad to hear that at least.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on August 04, 2021, 05:33:21 PM
I'm sitting here a bit puzzled as to WHY someone would want a drone that goes up the toilet. Does it have anything to do with fatbergs?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cain on August 04, 2021, 05:44:01 PM
How do you think they got to Elvis?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 04, 2021, 10:01:37 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on August 04, 2021, 05:33:21 PM
I'm sitting here a bit puzzled as to WHY someone would want a drone that goes up the toilet. Does it have anything to do with fatbergs?

Who gives a fuck why?  The bills get paid, things get more horrifying.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 20, 2021, 04:02:23 PM
So, interesting concept in the new files.

"Ghosting" (not the social concept).

A person moves through a crowd.  As cameras ID his face, they turn away or shut off, sending a signal to other cameras to do the same thing, then erase the footage.  Static cameras just shut off and erase footage.  People in the vicinity get bot sales calls that distract them for 30 seconds.  Wifi objects in the area drop coverage, distracting people.  Phone cameras shut off (Apple already has this feature for police).  The person walking has been trained in the usual ways of not being noticed (clothing that doesn't stand out, not making eye contact, etc)  His Uber is always on time, allowing him to keep moving to wherever he's moving, without standing around.  Never has to wait for an elevator, that sort of thing. The chip in his credit card changes the card's unique ID from one valid account to another.  OLRs ignore cars he is in, the same way cameras do (deleting memory).

Far more difficult to implement than it sounds, but possible.  And I can think of a hundred uses for it.



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on August 24, 2021, 11:33:27 AM
If a system was needed to give an escape mechanism for the rich and powerful this absolutely has  already been implemented, the trick would be figuring out where its been used
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2021, 04:37:51 PM
Quote from: Faust on August 24, 2021, 11:33:27 AM
If a system was needed to give an escape mechanism for the rich and powerful this absolutely has  already been implemented, the trick would be figuring out where its been used

The best you could do is look for missing footage.  Even that could be jimmied.

But here's another idea:  Have one person appear to be in multiple places at the same time.  Or have one guy show up on video where he isn't, and not where he is.  If you need to set someone up.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: rong on August 24, 2021, 07:51:52 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2021, 04:37:51 PM
Quote from: Faust on August 24, 2021, 11:33:27 AM
If a system was needed to give an escape mechanism for the rich and powerful this absolutely has  already been implemented, the trick would be figuring out where its been used

The best you could do is look for missing footage.  Even that could be jimmied.

But here's another idea:  Have one person appear to be in multiple places at the same time.  Or have one guy show up on video where he isn't, and not where he is.  If you need to set someone up.

this seems like it would be easier to pull off.  could also just establish an alibi - not necessarily set someone up.

"Sir, our cameras place you at the active crime scene"

"yeah, so?  your cameras also place me at costco at the same time."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2021, 10:53:20 PM
Quote from: rong on August 24, 2021, 07:51:52 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on August 24, 2021, 04:37:51 PM
Quote from: Faust on August 24, 2021, 11:33:27 AM
If a system was needed to give an escape mechanism for the rich and powerful this absolutely has  already been implemented, the trick would be figuring out where its been used

The best you could do is look for missing footage.  Even that could be jimmied.

But here's another idea:  Have one person appear to be in multiple places at the same time.  Or have one guy show up on video where he isn't, and not where he is.  If you need to set someone up.

this seems like it would be easier to pull off.  could also just establish an alibi - not necessarily set someone up.

"Sir, our cameras place you at the active crime scene"

"yeah, so?  your cameras also place me at costco at the same time."

"I was at Costco when that happened."

"Not according to the security cameras you weren't."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 26, 2021, 07:33:56 AM
The Science is over.  Well, this type, anyway.

It looks like I have a job literally across the street, only now I have to try to make things better.  :crankey:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on September 26, 2021, 09:11:52 PM
Wait, please don't tell me you won't be updating this? It's the single goddamn reason I come here.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 27, 2021, 04:45:29 PM
Quote from: Fujikoma on September 26, 2021, 09:11:52 PM
Wait, please don't tell me you won't be updating this? It's the single goddamn reason I come here.

Oh, I will be.  I have about 5 pages to write about this place, once things settle a bit.

Then it will be the next place.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on September 27, 2021, 09:36:04 PM
Oh great, got my blood pressure up there, Howl, you know I need my fix.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2021, 03:33:17 PM
The Science has come to an end.  The piranha that are the owners have in fact gained control over the company despite every legal dodge - let's face it, legal fiction - we could fabricate, and they are in a feeding frenzy of asset-stripping.

I have accepted a new job, but not in the field of DEFF ROBOTS, which saddens me.  No, I am going back to urbanism which in fact makes things BETTER for stupid humans, and prevents them from learning from their mistakes.  In short, I am now in the business of cleaning up messes left by people...by people like me, to be perfectly frank.  It's still SCIENCE, but instead of being a James Bond villain, I am now essentially the garbage man for horrible & faceless corporations.

I find it difficult to express my rage at this turn of events.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on October 13, 2021, 04:10:54 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2021, 03:33:17 PM
I find it difficult to express my rage at this turn of events.
Hate always finds a way.

Does the dissolution of the company release you from any NDAs that have heretofore prevented you from discussing the sordid details of said DEFF ROBOTS?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on October 13, 2021, 05:21:52 PM
A zookeeper who finds out that the animals are going to be killed would release them to fend for themselves

Do whats morally right
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2021, 10:46:33 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on October 13, 2021, 04:10:54 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 12, 2021, 03:33:17 PM
I find it difficult to express my rage at this turn of events.
Hate always finds a way.

Does the dissolution of the company release you from any NDAs that have heretofore prevented you from discussing the sordid details of said DEFF ROBOTS?

No, because the tech belongs to our clients, and each client had each of us also sign an NDA.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2021, 10:47:24 PM
Quote from: Faust on October 13, 2021, 05:21:52 PM
A zookeeper who finds out that the animals are going to be killed would release them to fend for themselves

Do whats morally right

DRONE APOCALYPSE:  TUCSON   :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: The Commander on October 14, 2021, 02:37:28 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on October 13, 2021, 10:47:24 PM
Quote from: Faust on October 13, 2021, 05:21:52 PM
A zookeeper who finds out that the animals are going to be killed would release them to fend for themselves

Do whats morally right

DRONE APOCALYPSE:  TUCSON   :lulz:

You keep making Tuscon more and more appealing.

I might have to retire there.

The Commander
DIA
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 27, 2021, 03:19:22 AM
So I quit.  My last day is Friday.  Monday is the first day at the new gig, which is urbanism again, this time dealing with pollution (metals for the most part).

A week ago today, my current company got hit with ransomware.  I swear, the fucking place is cursed.

There are no funny conversations about this, but there IS this:  2 years ago, we screamed at the boss for an offline backup for our systems.  He said "no" because it cost $15K.

We lost that much in less than an hour last week, and the system is still down.  The other managers do not understand one time pad encryption, and they have our IT guys bashing their brains out against the wall.

This is obviously all normal.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on October 28, 2021, 12:23:50 AM
That's an awful feeling to leave on, and that penny pinching proper backups and redundancy isn't a once off, it's what the makers of the ransomeware rely on.
It's not just code that targets vulnerable systems, its code that targets vulnerable business process.

At least that's someone else's problem nos
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 28, 2021, 01:30:15 AM
Quote from: Faust on October 28, 2021, 12:23:50 AM
That's an awful feeling to leave on, and that penny pinching proper backups and redundancy isn't a once off, it's what the makers of the ransomeware rely on.
It's not just code that targets vulnerable systems, its code that targets vulnerable business process.

At least that's someone else's problem nos

1.  You underestimate my capacity for schadenfreude and "I told you so."

2.  Yes, this place's business process was fucking potato before the old man died, and it hasn't gotten any better since.

3.  Very yes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 30, 2021, 02:59:43 AM
It occurred to me at 9:30 AM this morning that "the last day on the job of a doomed company" can end whenever I like.

So I went home.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on October 30, 2021, 03:33:10 AM
So much for releasing the drones into the wild. Alas.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 30, 2021, 04:31:41 AM
Norton accepted today.

So, my management team is Billy, Norton, Sideways Dave, and Tarrek, the world's meanest Lebanese man.

This should go nicely.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 01, 2021, 11:45:07 PM
So, first day on the job.

TOTAL FUCKING CHAOS.

I'm so in.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on November 02, 2021, 08:03:37 AM
Oh thank god
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on November 02, 2021, 01:57:40 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 01, 2021, 11:45:07 PM
TOTAL FUCKING CHAOS.
I shall prepare the popcorn.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 05, 2021, 12:29:16 AM
*watching two demo guys with no PPE on saw-cutting a cinderblock wall vertically*

Me:  *grin*

Sideways Dave:  *grin*

Jeff:  "Uh, boss, aren't you gonna do anything?"

Me:  *sips coffee*

*wall collapses all at once, inward, missing the two idiots but taking out the 480 VAC panel for the building.  Everything goes dark*

Jeff:  "Holy shit."

Sideways Dave:  *grins in darkness*

Me:  *also grins in darkness*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 08, 2021, 10:39:00 PM
Morning Meeting.

Me:  "Okay, I think everyone here knows each other from the old days, except Norton and Sideways Dave."

SD:  *growls*

Norton:  "How did you get the name Sideways Dave?"

SD:  "IT WAS ONLY THE ONE TIME!  I DIDN'T MAKE A HABIT OF IT, PENDEJO!"

Billy:  "You only HAD to do that once."

Me:  "Yeah, the only reason you're not in jail is that nobody really foresaw the NEED to illegalize it."

Billy:  "You are in fact the black swan of perverts."

Norton:  "No, seriously, what did he do?"

Me:  "Norton, sometimes a noodle story is best left as a noodle story.  If I tell you, it's gonna fuck up your head and then Renee will cut me."

SD:  *grins*

Billy:  "Besides, what are the odds he'll ever have access to a pressure suit again?"

SD:  *sad face*

Norton:  *looks a little nervous*

Billy:  "It's good to be back, boss."

SD:  "BUENO!"

Norton:  "I caught that reference."

Me:  "We're going to great things, Norton."


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 11, 2021, 12:08:32 AM
Today's moment of I Shot Marvin In The Face:  I hit a shredded tire in the intersection of Speedway and Stone, tearing the electrical harness out of the work truck and jamming up downtown traffic completely (like gridlocked) completely for 3 hours.  We amused ourselves while waiting for the tow truck.

Billy:  "On the plus side, we made the traffic report."

SD:  *hanging out the back window of the crew cab screaming at the next car like Acosta in Fear & Loathing.*

Norton:  *took a different truck and wound up having to do the abatement survey by himself*

Me:  *dancing in my seat to Daft Punk*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 11, 2021, 11:40:38 PM
Today at work:

Sideways Dave:  "..."

Me:  "I know you're sneaking up on me, Dave."

SD:  "How?  I was being totally silent."

Me:  "I could hear you sweating."

SD:  "Bullshit.  You're using webcams again."

Me:  "I am an aging drug addict, Dave.  Paranoia is one of my virtues."

SD:  *sad face*

Me:  "You know, even if you did kill me, they won't give you my job."

SD:  "I know.  I was just practicing."

Norton:  *prairie dogs out of his cube*

Me:  "Don't worry, Dave won't kill you either."

Norton:  "Yes, but I haven't seen Billy in a while, and he might."

SD:  "I never liked him.  He is shifty."

Me:  "LOL.  Dave, you are the platonic ideal of shifty."

SD:  "Yes, that's why I know not to trust him."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 12, 2021, 11:55:35 PM
So, my son still works at my old company.  They fucked him over to get back at me for quitting and taking Billy (they fucked with his overtime).

Then Gil (one of the company officers) calls me.

Gil:  "Hey, Hamish, how do you get rid of the solvents?  Which permit is that under?"

Me:  "Hang on, I have you on speaker phone.  Did you want the book way, or the real way?"

Gil:  "Um, the real way?"

Me:  "You take the solvents and the manifests and you shove them up your ass."

Billy:  "You have to stick your dick in the solvents first to make it official."

Gil:  "This isn't funny."

Norton:  "Actually, it kind of is."

Sideways Dave:  "HAW HAW HAW" (really loud)

Gil:  "What the fuck was that?"

Me:  "That was Sideways Dave."

Gil:  "Who or what is a 'Sideways Dave'?"

Billy:  Sideways Dave is basically a criminal enterprise."

Norton:  "A loud criminal enterprise."

Gil:  "Are you going to help me or not?"

Me:  "After you fucked my son over?  Let's see, you took him for $400, so my hourly rate for helping is $800."

Gil:  "You're fucking with me."

Billy:  "Also a set up charge of $900 per job."

Norton:  "Hey, Gil, there's something I always wanted to tell you."

Gil:  "What?"

Norton:  "Goodbye."  *Hangs up phone*

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on November 13, 2021, 12:00:13 AM
Ah, it's getting good again, time to get comfortable and read.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2021, 12:18:10 AM
Norton:  *gets minor burn from equipment*

Me:  "You have to work more carefully, kid."

Me:  *falls down the stairs less than a second later*

Sideways Dave:  *grin*

Norton:  "You hurt?"

Me:  "Just my dignity."

*3 hours later*

My name plate on my office has been replaced with "Gerald Ford".

My little Norton is growing up.  :( 

This doesn't mean horrible retribution won't apply.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on November 16, 2021, 02:41:19 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on November 16, 2021, 12:18:10 AM
My name plate on my office has been replaced with "Gerald Ford".

My little Norton is growing up.  :( 

This doesn't mean horrible retribution won't apply.

Truly, disproportionate response is a moral imperative, and of inestimable value in the edification of the youth.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 30, 2021, 06:44:59 PM
Yesterday, at work:

Billy:  "Why is your phone making that awful screeching noise?"

Me:  "That's not my phone, that's the Geiger counter."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 09, 2021, 11:08:51 PM
Norton saw his first Tucson moment today.

He and Renee (one of his wives) and I were coming back from lunch when this dude jets into traffic, cuts two people off, and gets creamed by a box truck.  Guy flies out of his window and lands across a fire hydrant.

Norton:  *turns green*

Renee:  *smiles*

Renee is my current short duration personal savior.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on December 10, 2021, 11:20:29 AM
Incredibly relieved he only hurt himself, generally the play stupid games win stupid prizes games on the road results in people who weren't even playing getting the prize
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 11, 2021, 01:17:36 AM
Quote from: Faust on December 10, 2021, 11:20:29 AM
Incredibly relieved he only hurt himself, generally the play stupid games win stupid prizes games on the road results in people who weren't even playing getting the prize

What?  No, that dude was as dead as you get.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on December 11, 2021, 08:32:01 AM
Sorry I meant I am glad he got creamed and not someone else, no sympathy for him
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 12, 2021, 06:32:08 AM
Quote from: Faust on December 11, 2021, 08:32:01 AM
Sorry I meant I am glad he got creamed and not someone else, no sympathy for him

Yes, it scored low on body count, but got full marks for grotesqueness.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 24, 2022, 10:49:32 PM
So, life has been very complicated for the last month or so.

I went back into the biz, bringing my crew with me, and the bastards seconded me to a government contractor doing urbanism again.

Then the primary contractor poached us all, with very nice offers.  So we jumped ship.  Again.

Now the four of us are doing disaster planning for one of those weird acronym agencies that sound both unfamiliar (ie, not FBI or CIA) but also so bland that it seems somehow threatening.

In short, we get paid to think about system failure and what plans need to be in place, but in a far more general way.  We get paid to be obsessive pessimists.  Which I was already doing for free.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on January 25, 2022, 09:40:55 AM
Sounds like your crew landed the perfect job to suit the interests. Do you get to set up an explosive fatberg group or are those too well established as:
We know they can go wrong, we know they WILL go wrong.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 25, 2022, 11:15:25 PM
Quote from: Faust on January 25, 2022, 09:40:55 AM
Sounds like your crew landed the perfect job to suit the interests. Do you get to set up an explosive fatberg group or are those too well established as:
We know they can go wrong, we know they WILL go wrong.

We haven't actually been told what to look at, just that we look.

This is the best of all possible worlds.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 28, 2022, 11:44:21 PM
Today, at work:

Me:  "We have been asked for an analysis of recovery time from another Carrington Event."

Billy:  "Um."

Norton:  "Do they know what that even is?"

Sideways Dave:  "Everyone dies.  Our remains are eaten by coyotes.  THE END."

Me:  "You have all impressed me by knowing what a Carrington Event IS.  However, you have all failed on the proper response to a contractor being asked that question."

Norton:  "What do you mean?"

Billy:  "He means that the study will be very difficult and cost lots of money."

Me:  "Bingo."

SD:  "I will start modeling the effects."

Norton:  "I feel dirty."

SD:  "That's because you ARE dirty now, Vato.  We are those guys in the movie that place profit over long-term survival.  You can't react to a Carrington Event, you have to do all the work before it happens, and..."

Norton:  "...And nobody will do that work, because you'll never get it past congress, so we'll just study it and shelve it."

Me:  "We're going to great things, Norton."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on January 28, 2022, 11:50:43 PM
Great. Howl will defend us from the sun, I can't wait to see our odds.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on January 28, 2022, 11:56:51 PM
Better than being asked to fend off vacuum collapse, at least.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2022, 12:16:12 AM
Quote from: Fujikoma on January 28, 2022, 11:50:43 PM
Great. Howl will defend us from the sun, I can't wait to see our odds.

It's casino odds.  Eventually you're fucked and no more food or electric light.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on January 29, 2022, 12:43:47 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2022, 12:16:12 AM
Quote from: Fujikoma on January 28, 2022, 11:50:43 PM
Great. Howl will defend us from the sun, I can't wait to see our odds.

It's casino odds.  Eventually you're fucked and no more food or electric light.

Worth betting on, I mean, if I lose I'm ravaged by feral, starving city-dwellers when the food doesn't come in. Honestly, the question being asked here is an important one, I looked it up, scary stuff. It makes sense for us to be as prepared as possible if/when this happens, but yeah I see there's not a lot of money to be made on that, because it hasn't happened yet, and when it does, it'll be too late for preparation.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Fujikoma on January 29, 2022, 01:05:40 AM
The thing I have to remember is that just the other winter, Texas froze over and their grid wasn't winterized, a few hundred people died, not huge, but even one is huge to someone close to them. They could have, but when the option was left to them, they opted for profits over being prepared.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2022, 01:19:45 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 28, 2022, 11:44:21 PM
Today, at work:

Me:  "We have been asked for an analysis of recovery time from another Carrington Event."


Dear God.

They're paying you to be Dr. Strangelove. :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 29, 2022, 07:55:11 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on January 29, 2022, 01:19:45 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 28, 2022, 11:44:21 PM
Today, at work:

Me:  "We have been asked for an analysis of recovery time from another Carrington Event."


Dear God.

They're paying you to be Dr. Strangelove. :lulz:

I have had the very rare privilege of naming my department, on account of it's brand new.

Slim Pickins was in the running, but I decided a more appropriate name could be robbed from Iaian Banks. So we are now "Special Circumstances".
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 02, 2022, 12:43:41 AM
We got our new lair today. 

Billy:  "So, we're in the sub-basement."

Me:  "Yes.  This is where we belong.  30 feet underground, surrounded by 65" monitors, beneath the IRS and the Marshals and a grab bag of 3 letter agencies."

Norton:  "I can see the sense in this.  James Bond villains are always below ground level."

Me:  "But we are no longer James Bond villains.  We are now paid by the government, and so everything we do is 100% legit."

Sideways Dave:  "For a given value of legit."

Me:  "The only value that really matters.  We do things, and not only are we not thrown in the slammer, we get paid."

Norton:  "I feel as if that's a really low bar."

Billy:  "Did you want a high bar?  This bar is effortless.  It oozes along at a respectable speed."

Norton:  "Well, I just didn't see myself doing this while I was earning a chemistry degree."

Me:  "Look at SD.  He got a biochem engineering degree, and immediately squicked out everyone in the county."

SD:  *frowns* *grins*

Me:  "See?  You should learn from SD's example."

SD:  *GRINS*

Norton:  *Looks stricken*

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton.  Our contract says so."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Cramulus on February 02, 2022, 01:42:39 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 24, 2022, 10:49:32 PM
In short, we get paid to think about system failure and what plans need to be in place, but in a far more general way.  We get paid to be obsessive pessimists.  Which I was already doing for free.

that sounds like your dream job
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 03, 2022, 03:11:43 AM
Quote from: Cramulus on February 02, 2022, 01:42:39 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 24, 2022, 10:49:32 PM
In short, we get paid to think about system failure and what plans need to be in place, but in a far more general way.  We get paid to be obsessive pessimists.  Which I was already doing for free.

that sounds like your dream job

Yes, it's sort of what I was doing in 2017.  I just took a few years off for DEFF ROBOTS.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 09, 2022, 12:47:10 AM
So, one of my many responsibilities is oversight over operations and maintenance.

This should not be a chore, because the chief engineer takes care of that.  Only he doesn't.  In fact, things are kind of the opposite of "taken care of" to the point that it might actually impact the contract (and therefore the money, but that's sort of secondary to the idea that "shit should get done.")

Friday I will have some special time with him.

Hilarity later.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2022, 12:34:49 AM
I lost a dance off with the chief deputy US Marshall for the Southwest today.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 16, 2022, 10:19:13 PM
So I finally had a chance to have a heart-to-internal void conversation with worthless Chief Engineer.  His name is Dave, but to protect the guilty, we will just call him Dave.

Me:  "Come in and sit down, Dave.  There.  Are you comfortable?"

Dave:  "No."

Me:  "That's because I had one of the techs break that chair before you arrived.  Anyway, this is Billy and Norton, this grinning guy is Sideways Dave.  Who is just like you except that he's a huge angry Bolivian, and he's sideways."

SD:  *GRIN*

Dave:  "..."

Me:  "In any case, we are your management team.  Unlike your previous management team, we are here to manage.  This isn't good news for you, since part of that management involves having the chief engineers for each facility do chief engineer things.  You are not doing the things."

Dave:  "We're too busy to listen to..."

SD:  "Shut up, Vato."

Dave:  "Excuse me?"

SD:  "I said shut up.  Are you a fool?  You are constantly under the baleful eye of our Sauron-like cameras.  You and your guys have been 'busy' holding down your chairs, watching reality TV, and putting a massive dent in the world's Dorito supply."

Me:  "He's right.  No actual work is being done.  The other facilities are averaging 3 open work orders at any time.  You have" *checks notes* "130 open work orders.  You have also closed 70 work orders that have been bounced back as not actually done."

Dave:  "I want my union rep."

Me:  "I thought of that.  He's on speaker phone."

Jim, via speakerphone:  "Go fuck yourself, Dave.  You're making the entire union look bad."  *click*

Me:  "Well.  Hardly Joe Hill, but what can you do?"

Dave:  "..."

Billy:  "Ah, is it finally sinking in?  20 years of doing nothing, with no consequences, but now there are in fact consequences."

Me:  "So anyway, in my infinite mercy, I have elected to give you a chance.  You and your crew will get off of your ass and get working, or you will hit the bricks at an unreasonable speed."

Dave:  "Okay"

Me:  "I'm not done yet.  Sideways Dave will be spending his work days out at your facility, which for him is a 2 hour drive each way.  He will do this until the situation is corrected, by whichever means are necessary.  Look at him.  Does he look happy about 4 hours of commuting each day?  He does not.  This isn't good for anyone involved."

Dave:  "oh no"

SD:  *scowl*

Me:  "I think that covers everything.  Do you have any questions?"

Dave:  "oh no"

Billy:  "Relax, Dave, I can assure you that this is all normal."

Norton:  "Welcome to hell, dude."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."


(It's worth noting that the broken chair thing literally never gets old.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on February 17, 2022, 12:29:48 PM
Pour sideways Dave, 4 hours a day is a killer, but it will be good for that thing that passes for his soul
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 18, 2022, 02:56:15 AM
Quote from: Faust on February 17, 2022, 12:29:48 PM
Pour sideways Dave, 4 hours a day is a killer, but it will be good for that thing that passes for his soul

Not really.  I've assigned an intern to drive him.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 09, 2022, 12:34:43 AM
Useless Chief Engineer was tossed out the airlock yesterday, as even Sideways Dave was unable to make a dent in his towering incompetence.

So I called the new guy into the office.

Me:  "Congratulations, James."

James:  "What for?"

Me:  "You're now the Chief Engineer for Region 9."

James:  "Um, I've been with the company a week."

Me:  "Yes.  That leaves you with the qualities I'm looking for."

James:  "Which are?"

Billy:  "You're still in your probation period."

Norton:  "You sorry bastard."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me:  "Don't listen to these assholes.  You're gonna do fine.  Only you're 157 work orders in the hole."

James:  "What?"

Billy:  "Better move like you have a purpose, dude."

James:  "..."

Me:  "It's also a $7/hour raise.  And a company car."

James:  "Okay.  Who do I have to kill?"

Norton:  "..."

Billy:  "..."

SD:  "Oh, I LIKE this one."

So this is how we bring the future on.  By bribing naive youngsters into doing truly stupid things.


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 11, 2022, 12:59:29 AM
Zoom meeting at work today, sadly voice only.

Me:  "How are things going down there, James?"

James:  "DEATH, DESTRUCTION, AND TERROR."

Me:  "How excellent.  I see that you spent $30K this week."

James:  "20 years of neglect carries a price tag."

Me:  "Fair enough.  I like what I'm seeing in terms of work orders completed.  You need anything else?"

James:  "Give me more money.  More money means more shit fixed."

Billy:  "James has now reached the land speed record for turning into Hamish."

James:  "HAIL HYDRA!" *logs off*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on March 11, 2022, 01:09:13 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 11, 2022, 12:59:29 AM
Zoom meeting at work today, sadly voice only.

Me:  "How are things going down there, James?"

James:  "DEATH, DESTRUCTION, AND TERROR."

Me:  "How excellent.  I see that you spent $30K this week."

James:  "20 years of neglect carries a price tag."

Me:  "Fair enough.  I like what I'm seeing in terms of work orders completed.  You need anything else?"

James:  "Give me more money.  More money means more shit fixed."

I like this guy.  Full frontal pragmatism is a valuable quality.

But what happens when he runs out of work orders?  Something horrible and glorious, I hope.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2022, 05:00:57 PM
It just occurred to me that I get paid a lot more money to do good things than I got to do evil things.

This somehow seems un-American.  It makes me feel dirty.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2022, 05:01:24 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on March 11, 2022, 01:09:13 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 11, 2022, 12:59:29 AM
Zoom meeting at work today, sadly voice only.

Me:  "How are things going down there, James?"

James:  "DEATH, DESTRUCTION, AND TERROR."

Me:  "How excellent.  I see that you spent $30K this week."

James:  "20 years of neglect carries a price tag."

Me:  "Fair enough.  I like what I'm seeing in terms of work orders completed.  You need anything else?"

James:  "Give me more money.  More money means more shit fixed."

I like this guy.  Full frontal pragmatism is a valuable quality.

But what happens when he runs out of work orders?  Something horrible and glorious, I hope.

The reward for a job well done is more work.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on March 17, 2022, 06:37:34 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on March 16, 2022, 05:00:57 PM
It just occurred to me that I get paid a lot more money to do good things than I got to do evil things.

This somehow seems un-American.  It makes me feel dirty.

It's what you deserve. As punishment for your evil no-good deeds of Satan, you see. In America, we punish true evil with loads and loads of money.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 25, 2022, 12:01:40 AM
Things I have learned in the last 60 days:

1.  The deputy chief marshal for the Southwest does not like being called "Fred the security guard."

2.  The forestry officials don't like being asked why they're even IN Arizona.  They get really defensive about it.

3.  SMEs aren't.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 25, 2022, 12:06:33 AM
Today, at work:

BAS (building automation system) SME (subject matter expert):  "Why are these UV lights on the BAS system and not the lighting system?"

Me:  "Because they're not part of the lighting system, they're part of the HVAC system."

SME:  "They are lights."

Me:  "They are not.  You can't even see when they're on."

SME:  "They are still lights.  They should turn off when all the other lights turn off."

Me:  "They are not lights, they are anti-microbial systems.  They kill germs as those germs pass through the HVAC system.  If the lighting system turns them on and off, they could in theory be turned off while the HVAC is running, and we'd be spraying covid all over the place."

SME:  "Just put them on the lighting system."

Me:  "Okay, as soon as you explain to the federal magistrates that we're going to pump coronavirus into their chambers."

SME:  "WHY ARE YOU BEING DIFFICULT?"

Me:  "Why are you being stupid?"

SME"  "..."

Me:  "That's an alarming shade of red you got going on there, dude."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 06, 2022, 12:17:48 AM
Programming voice modules.

If 1800 < time < 0500
If urinal flush module = 1
volume=100
run GET OUT.mp3
endif
endif

Put voice module above ceiling risers in federal marshals' bathroom.

Now we wait.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 06, 2022, 12:21:03 AM
Godsmack:

Put dead gas regulator on floor to take to plumbers for IDing replacement.
Drive through border patrol checkpoint.
Every dog in every lane loses their mind and tries to get into my car.
"Sir, please move into the stop lane.  VERY SLOWLY."
20 minutes of un-air conditioned glory later, CBP asshole realizes the regulator is what's driving the dogs nuts.
Sadface CBP assholes tell me to stop humming "white lines," send me on my way.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 08, 2022, 09:41:44 PM
Fred the Security Guard*:  "So tell me how you did it."

Me:  "Did what?"

FTSG:  "Made one of my guys piss all over his leg in the bathroom."

Me:  "I'm quite sure I don't control how your guys piss."

FTSG:  "Har-de-har-har.  You know, the whole 'ghost voice' thing?"

Me:  "Hmm.  Supernatural things aren't covered by our contract, so if you need a ghost removed, that will have to be quoted as additional labor."

FTSG:  "Who said I want it removed?  None of those guys have slept on the job ever since."

Me:  "So you want me to leave the ghost?"

FTSG:  "Yes.  I just want to know how you did it."

Me:  "My facilities voodoo is strong."

FTSG:  "So if I wanted MORE ghosts..."

Me:  "I'll send you a quote."

FTSG:  "You realize how silly this conversation is, right?"

Me:  "This is how Science gets done to people."




*  Fred the Security Guard insists that his proper title is "Deputy Chief US Marshal," and his name isn't Fred, But you know how cops lie.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 09:25:04 PM
So the new project has us counting lost man-years due to the pandemic (We're just past 19,000,000 man-years of knowledge/production, and we've really only done the simple stuff), but the really NEAT part is that between that and working with <gubmint org>, I am ALSO developing a real idea of how much actual communication occurs.

The answer, you may have guessed, is "Jack Shit."

This has sort of split me and my group off onto a tangent, and we have proven there was more information moved between government and NGO departments prior to email than there is today...When measured as "useful, actionable information."  And just like all the plebs, the decision-makers have to sort out the non-information/disinformation before they can make a decision, and that sorting is impossible in practice.

Nobody run Bartertown.  Bartertown functions in the same way a SCADA-operated system does if the front end crashes; it just keeps doing the same thing regardless of any changes to the situation.  Errors begin to multiply, and since nobody can do anything about those errors, everyone just pretends that the situation is normal and has always been like this; where "this" means "the current buggy situation with today's error values added".

Think of it as an anthill with a disabled queen, except ants don't bitch as much.  They just mindlessly keep doing whatever they were last instructed to do.

The best part of this is when I fuck off and visit debatepolitics.com and listen to fucking waterheads explain that some large, shadowy cabal controls society. 

No, you fucking morons, nobody controls society.  Some people THINK they do, but even they can't get anything done.

Nobody is driving the train, everyone's drunk in the club car.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 11, 2022, 10:09:59 PM
*looks around*
No commentary on this? That must have been some pandemic.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 10:38:40 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 11, 2022, 10:09:59 PM
*looks around*
No commentary on this? That must have been some pandemic.

It's more that PD is a combination scratchpad/museum now.  We have about 5 regular posters, by which I mean "posts once in a week."

Also, some folks aren't allowed to talk to me because you know.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 11, 2022, 11:40:49 PM
Somehow, I'm not surprised that this is how it is behind the scenes. It fits my image of the world. Also, it sorta explains why accelerationist weirdoes and fascists are everywhere.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 11:47:49 PM
Quote from: altered on April 11, 2022, 11:40:49 PM
Somehow, I'm not surprised that this is how it is behind the scenes. It fits my image of the world. Also, it sorta explains why accelerationist weirdoes and fascists are everywhere.

There is a certain type of person that responds to challenges by trying to make things worse.

It's a form of cowardice.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 11, 2022, 11:51:33 PM
Yeah. Also, the mindset of that sort of meathead is "If no one's in charge, I should be in charge." Nevermind that benevolent dictatorships only last as long as it takes for some yokel to catch Glorious Leader on a bad day, they read a book by some teeth-for-brains chud like Jordan Peterson and think they are the big strong man to solve it all, by golly.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on April 12, 2022, 03:00:28 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 09:25:04 PM

This has sort of split me and my group off onto a tangent, and we have proven there was more information moved between government and NGO departments prior to email than there is today...When measured as "useful, actionable information."

How is that measured?  Does the reduction in information flow appear to be an artifact of technological change, cultural change, or some combination?

(I'm quite cognizant that making it easier for people to ask questions results in a higher proportion of stupid questions.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 12, 2022, 04:14:07 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on April 12, 2022, 03:00:28 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 09:25:04 PM

This has sort of split me and my group off onto a tangent, and we have proven there was more information moved between government and NGO departments prior to email than there is today...When measured as "useful, actionable information."

How is that measured?  Does the reduction in information flow appear to be an artifact of technological change, cultural change, or some combination?

Entirely cultural, because...

(I'm quite cognizant that making it easier for people to ask questions results in a higher proportion of stupid questions.)
[/quote]

This seems to be the prime mover.

Allowing dumb people to move information was never a good idea, and allowing them to do it easily and at will was really, really a bad plan.

I get about 87 emails a day.  Deciding which half dozen contain actual information takes a couple of hours out of my day, all told.  Now, in the old days, you could decide whether or not to read a memo based on who sent it to you.  You don't know if Barney in the next office wrote the email or if he's forwarding something from someone that matters.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2022, 04:42:50 AM
Phone just rang.

James:  "Hey, boss, I just figured out how to make the grinder chew things up 3 times as fast."

Me:  "It's 8:30 at night.  Tell me you're not at work."

James:  "No, it just came to me as I was taking a shit."

Me:  "That's where the best ideas come from.  What's your plan?"

James:  "I have a VFD left over from the other project, and I can set up a feedback loop where it starts out really slow so it doesn't clog, and then the increased amp draw ramps up the VFD so the bones don't jam the grinder.  We can literally grind as fast as we can jam things into the hopper."

Me:  "That is pretty good.  In fact, that is excellent.  I will drive down to Nogales tomorrow and we'll try it out."

*hangs up*

Jenn:  "What was that all about?"

Me:  "Doing science on things a full order of magnitude faster."

Jenn: "That's nice.  Would you like a chai?"
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on April 14, 2022, 09:35:52 AM
I did a double take when I got to "Bones", cant fault that knowledge of his process control though, takes someone who really loves their system to think of ways to improve them like
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 14, 2022, 09:04:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 10:38:40 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 11, 2022, 10:09:59 PM
*looks around*
No commentary on this? That must have been some pandemic.

It's more that PD is a combination scratchpad/museum now.  We have about 5 regular posters, by which I mean "posts once in a week."

Also, some folks aren't allowed to talk to me because you know.

Still?  :horrormirth:

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 12:52:17 AM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 14, 2022, 09:04:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 10:38:40 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 11, 2022, 10:09:59 PM
*looks around*
No commentary on this? That must have been some pandemic.

It's more that PD is a combination scratchpad/museum now.  We have about 5 regular posters, by which I mean "posts once in a week."

Also, some folks aren't allowed to talk to me because you know.

Still?  :horrormirth:

And they have to ask permission to have a conversation with her.

:lulz:

I have seen grown-ass adults actually submit to that.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 12:53:28 AM
Quote from: Faust on April 14, 2022, 09:35:52 AM
I did a double take when I got to "Bones", cant fault that knowledge of his process control though, takes someone who really loves their system to think of ways to improve them like

Well, it's not our system, we just get paid to make things more efficient.

It went really well, too.  We got a whole cow through the grinder in less than 5 minutes.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 15, 2022, 01:32:37 AM
Mother of God. A whole cow is a lot of bone, fat and cartilage. Is the machine okay after that?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 02:02:24 AM
Quote from: altered on April 15, 2022, 01:32:37 AM
Mother of God. A whole cow is a lot of bone, fat and cartilage. Is the machine okay after that?

It is.  There was more spray than anticipated.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 15, 2022, 02:04:44 AM
PLEASE tell me there's a budget line-item for cow-shrapnel-resistant kevlar vests. I need this joy. Lie if you must.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on April 15, 2022, 02:05:32 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 12:53:28 AM
It went really well, too.  We got a whole cow through the grinder in less than 5 minutes.

Newsfeed.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on April 15, 2022, 10:25:35 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 12:53:28 AM
Quote from: Faust on April 14, 2022, 09:35:52 AM
I did a double take when I got to "Bones", cant fault that knowledge of his process control though, takes someone who really loves their system to think of ways to improve them like

Well, it's not our system, we just get paid to make things more efficient.

It went really well, too.  We got a whole cow through the grinder in less than 5 minutes.
A whole cow, thats like 5-6 People a minute!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 15, 2022, 12:31:47 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 12:52:17 AM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 14, 2022, 09:04:32 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 10:38:40 PM
Quote from: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 11, 2022, 10:09:59 PM
*looks around*
No commentary on this? That must have been some pandemic.

It's more that PD is a combination scratchpad/museum now.  We have about 5 regular posters, by which I mean "posts once in a week."

Also, some folks aren't allowed to talk to me because you know.

Still?  :horrormirth:

And they have to ask permission to have a conversation with her.

:lulz:

I have seen grown-ass adults actually submit to that.

I've heard of such behavior. But it's supposed involve whips and foot licking.
I'm not sure if you're describing half-ass humiliation, or humiliation so extreme that they don't even get the whole package.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 15, 2022, 12:35:43 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 02:02:24 AM
Quote from: altered on April 15, 2022, 01:32:37 AM
Mother of God. A whole cow is a lot of bone, fat and cartilage. Is the machine okay after that?

It is.  There was more spray than anticipated.

:peedee:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 04:15:57 PM
Quote from: Faust on April 15, 2022, 10:25:35 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 12:53:28 AM
Quote from: Faust on April 14, 2022, 09:35:52 AM
I did a double take when I got to "Bones", cant fault that knowledge of his process control though, takes someone who really loves their system to think of ways to improve them like

Well, it's not our system, we just get paid to make things more efficient.

It went really well, too.  We got a whole cow through the grinder in less than 5 minutes.
A whole cow, thats like 5-6 People a minute!

I keep telling them that, but they keep looking at me all sideways and pointing at the contract, which specifies "dead animals".  Humans ARE animals.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 15, 2022, 04:16:40 PM
Quote from: altered on April 15, 2022, 02:04:44 AM
PLEASE tell me there's a budget line-item for cow-shrapnel-resistant kevlar vests. I need this joy. Lie if you must.

It's a little finer than "shrapnel".  It's more like a splash shield for your face and a big apron.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 15, 2022, 09:03:22 PM
DAMN. We can't have nice things. Rowling is still drawing breath and the grinder won't murder a man who is calmly and innocently watching a cow slurped down its mechanical gullet from ten feet away. Fuck it all.

Weaponized Cowgrinder is my new brutal death metal band name anyway.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 27, 2022, 01:57:30 AM
I got a call from a colleague who is still in the biz, although at a different company that I was at.

They tried to design a drone that would mine metals out of landfills, but they forgot to put in any kind of IFF.

So the drones scrapped each other, as they were the highest concentration of metal in the immediate area.

This makes me feel even more optimistic about the future than I normally am.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on April 27, 2022, 02:43:33 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 27, 2022, 01:57:30 AM
So the drones scrapped each other, as they were the highest concentration of metal in the immediate area.

That is so beautiful it almost brings a tear to my eye.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 04, 2022, 03:31:41 AM
So, the genius thing about IT "security" is having to change your password periodically.  Which means people don't remember them.  Which means people write them down.

People like my new boss.

muhaha
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on May 04, 2022, 05:00:09 PM
I want to see the emails he sends.  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2022, 05:20:57 AM
Interviewing younger millennials is fun.  Billy and I had the privilege today.

Me:  "So, let's see.  You have a double major in biology and mathematics from the U of A.  3.8 GPA.  Very impressive."

Tina:  "Thank you."

Me:  "Don't thank me, you did it.  Anyway, you know what we do here?"

Tina:  "The ad said statistical analysis on existential threats."

Me:  "Yes.  Ads lie, though.  What we do is extract money from <agency>, because <agency> cannot be trusted with money."

Tina:  "Excuse me?"

Me:  "Your university degree requirements included history, yes?"

Tina:  "Of course."

Me:  "Then you should know that <agency> cannot be trusted with money.  Because money is power, and <agency> goes absolutely berserk with any amount of power it may have.  This is documented fact."

Billy:  "It's true."

Me:  "So while we do in fact spend a lot of time crunching numbers on various end of civilization scenarios, that is in fact secondary."

Billy:  "Because <agency> having money is actually one of those scenarios."

Tina:  "..."

Me:  "So we take the money and spend it wisely."

Tina:  "What counts as wisely?"

Me:  "Right now, it's a death ray."

Tina:  "WHAT?"

Me:  "Just kidding.  Mostly we spend the money on contractors that help us find new problems that require money.  Think of us as the brakes on an overheated, out of control system that is full of crazy people."

Tina:  "Yes.  Crazy people.  I see."

Billy:  "Are you having some kind of ethical crisis here?"

Tina:  "Yes, and I'm not sure..."

Me:  "Your salary will be <amount>.  Not bad for right out of college."

Tina:  "..."

Me:  "Let's go talk to the senior director.  I'd like to start you as soon as your clearance goes through."

Tina:  "..."

Me:  "If he starts screaming for no reason, just pretend it's not happening.  He'll stop soon enough."

Tina:  "..."

Billy:  "Welcome to The Corporation, Tina."

Me:  "We're going to do great things."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 23, 2022, 09:45:39 PM
My life now basically revolves around analysis.  Projects and cases start with a lack of data and are closed on my terms.

"My terms" does not mean input from bean counters 2200 miles from my facilities.  Nor does it mean an arbitrary set of decisions made by people who are not actually in the decision-making team.  Everyone else's jobs look easy, so why NOT tell Doktor Howl how he should do his job?  I can actually answer that question, though, as I have a great deal of pent-up wrath that needs disposing of, and I don't believe in raining that sort of shit down on my subordinates.

Example:  My unionized employees get time and a half on Saturday and double time on Sunday, and we bid a project accordingly.  The guys all took one day off later in the week (our week goes Saturday to Friday) for some R&R, as we are going to be working for several weekends.

Useless Payroll Object emails me and tells me that they're not getting OT for Sunday because they all took a weekday off.  No 40 hours, no overtime.

But the contract doesn't say that.  It says "Any work suffered on Saturday is time and a half, and any work suffered on Sunday is at double time."

Useless Payroll Object says that *offends* her, and sends the wrong incentives and why do they all get a one hour lunch instead of a half hour?

I once again explain that A) the contract is clear, B) we bid this job at overtime and double time, and if we pay our people less, we've committed a federal crime, and C) neither of those things care if her little authoritarian heart is offended by the idea that we pay people extra for extra work.

She argued some more, so I fed her to the union rep.  The End.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on May 24, 2022, 02:23:08 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2022, 05:20:57 AM
Billy:  "Are you having some kind of ethical crisis here?"

Tina:  "Yes, and I'm not sure..."

Me:  "Your salary will be <amount>.  Not bad for right out of college."

Tina:  "..."

You see, Tina, your salary isn't just compensation for the work you'll do, it's part of the service you provide; helping to extract money from <agency>.  In fact, it would be unethical not to take their money.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 24, 2022, 04:33:50 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on May 24, 2022, 02:23:08 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 21, 2022, 05:20:57 AM
Billy:  "Are you having some kind of ethical crisis here?"

Tina:  "Yes, and I'm not sure..."

Me:  "Your salary will be <amount>.  Not bad for right out of college."

Tina:  "..."

You see, Tina, your salary isn't just compensation for the work you'll do, it's part of the service you provide; helping to extract money from <agency>.  In fact, it would be unethical not to take their money.

It is absolutely amazing how naming a figure made her convince herself of that.

Gaze into the abyss and make it flinch.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 28, 2022, 01:02:56 AM
Tina's security clearance bounced on a pot charge from 6 years ago.

I overrode that with a little string pulling, and she starts on Tuesday.

What's amazing to me is what I *thought* a flex was 10 years ago vs what it *is* in reality.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 31, 2022, 06:13:11 PM
Tina's first day.:

Me:  "So, are you all done with your on-boarding tasks?"

Tina:  "Yes.  I have to admit that I was surprised I got cleared."

Me:  "What, because of the pot conviction?"

Tina:  "Yeah.  I was certain I was going to get turned down."

Me:  "Yes, drug charges have a way of doing that.  But you don't have any drug convictions."

Tina:  "Wait."

Me:  "Just assume that the bad dream you had about a pot conviction fell down behind the biggest digital filing cabinet ever."

Tina:  "You made it go away?"

Me:  "I lack the power to do that.  That would require the involvement of a judge, at the very least."

Tina:  "So what happened?"

Me:  "No idea.  Here's your clearance letter.  See?  No pot conviction.  It was probably just a bad dream you had."

Tina:  "Um.  This is sort of terrifying, really."

Me:  "The world of government contracting is in fact terrifying.  The trick, you see, is to pretend there really isn't a gigantic T Rex looming right behind you, and merely present a moving target as a matter of habit.  Also, it's a Tucson Rule thing.

Tina:  "Tucson rule?"

Me:  "The Tucson Rule states:  This is Tucson, and your rules do not apply here.  Anyway, you've already met Billy, so let's introduce you to Norton and Sideways Dave."

Tina:  "Sideways Dave?  How do you get a nickname like that?

Me:  "It involves a pressure suit and an act of perversion.  I want you to ask yourself if you're happier not knowing the details."

Tina:  "Um, yeah, I think I'm okay."

Me:  "Let's go meet them.  Walk this way."

Tina:  "If I could walk that way, I wouldn't have needed a job."

Me:  "Tina, I am incredibly ancient and vile, and I have seen everything Monty Python ever did."

*walks into 4th floor office*

Me:  "Sideways Dave, this is Tina."

SD:  "Hello.  Watch out for this Norton fellow here, he's sick in the head."

Tina:  "..."

Norton:  "Hello, Tina.  I am not sick in the head."

SD:  "What would someone say if they were sick in the head?  They'd say 'I am not sick in the head.'"

Tina:  "..."

Norton:  "..."

Me:  "There.  Everyone knows everyone.  Your office is down that hall to the left."

Tina:  "I get an office?"

SD:  "Teacher's pet."

Tina:  *glare*

SD:  *GRIN*

Me:  "In any case, the file you need is already loaded in your computer, under the file name 'anaerobic threat'."

SD:  "How come she gets an office and I get a cube?"

Me:  "We've discussed this, SD.  When you can be trusted with a door, you'll get one."

SD:  *scowl*

Tina:  "This conversation has made me stop worrying about the clearance thing."

Me:  "That's encouraging."

Tina:  "Now I feel like the T Rex is looming in *front* of me.  I am now going to be a moving target."  *walks to office and closes door*

Norton:  "Don't you ever feel bad about doing this shit?"

Me:  *stares three seconds too long*

Norton:  "Don't say it."

Me:  "This is all normal, Norton."



Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on May 31, 2022, 08:26:23 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 31, 2022, 06:13:11 PM
Me:  "In any case, the file you need is already loaded in your computer, under the file name 'anaerobic threat'."

Bacterial existential threat? Sorry sorry, one of the bacterial existential threats?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 31, 2022, 11:13:50 PM
Quote from: Faust on May 31, 2022, 08:26:23 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 31, 2022, 06:13:11 PM
Me:  "In any case, the file you need is already loaded in your computer, under the file name 'anaerobic threat'."

Bacterial existential threat? Sorry sorry, one of the bacterial existential threats?

Causes a shit ton of infrastructure damage that you can't see occurring.

No part of piping is your friend, ever.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 02, 2022, 02:51:06 AM
I was told today that I can't make my employees wear jump suits and mirrored helmets, and I have to ask myself WHAT'S THE POINT, THEN?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on June 02, 2022, 03:45:44 AM
Sounds like step two is jumpsuits and respirators. Full-mask first, then half-mask if your hand is forced. Then jumpsuits and goggles, IF AND ONLY IF they let you have a giant combat robot of doom. You absolutely need jumpsuited, begoggled technicians if there's a fucking Gundam on site, after all.

After that, it's time to ensure management understands the importance of uniforms that grin threateningly no matter what the person wearing it is doing with their face.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 03, 2022, 05:19:41 PM
Quote from: altered on June 02, 2022, 03:45:44 AM
Sounds like step two is jumpsuits and respirators. Full-mask first, then half-mask if your hand is forced. Then jumpsuits and goggles, IF AND ONLY IF they let you have a giant combat robot of doom. You absolutely need jumpsuited, begoggled technicians if there's a fucking Gundam on site, after all.

After that, it's time to ensure management understands the importance of uniforms that grin threateningly no matter what the person wearing it is doing with their face.

We don't have a Gundam, but we probably should.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 09, 2022, 12:47:44 AM
Today at work, Tina was a terrorist.

Billy:  "Hey, Norton, ask Tina if she's danced with her sister lately."

Norton:  "What?"

Billy:  "Funny story.  Just do it."

Norton:  Walks to Tina's office*

Norton:  "Hey, Tina, have you danced with your sister lately?"

Tina:  "MY SISTER IS IN A WHEELCHAIR, YOU ASSHOLE."

Norton:  *Shrivels up like a raisin in the Arizona sun*

Tina:  *laughs*

Billy:  *laughs*

Sideways Dave:  "NICE ONE, HERMANA!"

Me:  "Norton, are you still in Nebraska?  Seriously?"

Norton:  *glares at Billy*

Billy:  "Hey, it was her joke, I just set it up."

Tina:  "Sideways Dave just called me sister.  Should I worry?"

Me:  "No, this is all normal."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 09, 2022, 01:30:20 PM
Your job is more fun that Corporate America(TM) allows.  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 10, 2022, 09:08:19 PM
Today at work:

Me:  "Okay, folks, we have a new project."

Billy:  "It must be Friday."

Me:  "Obviously.  Anyway, we are to track semiconductor trade in the far East."

Tina:  "Wait.  What do we know about commodities?"

Me:  "Absolutely nothing.  But this comes from the deputy director of <agency>, so it's gospel."

Norton:  "Don't they have people for this?  Like people who do this for a living?"

Me:  "This is what we do for a living.  We are Science Pirates, and right now we're pillaging <other agency's> budget."

Tina:  "YARRRRR!"

Sideways Dave:  *GRIN*

Norton:  "..."

Billy:  "Oh, yes, I can definitely take their money."

Norton:  "I am unsure I want 'pirate' on my resume."

Tina:  "I cannot bear the notion of NOT having 'pirate' on my resume."

Me:  "Okay, each of you is being assigned a market.  What we are looking for is unexplained, short price increases in the metals outlined in the file, thus telling us that some of those metals have gone missing or been traded on a shadow market.  Let's assume I made some faux-nautical comments, and everyone get started.  The good news is the markets aren't open on the weekend, so we really start this on Monday.  Just use the rest of today to poke around the markets on the internet and figure out where to look."

Norton:  "But this will take like 2 hours a day.  What do we do with the rest of the time?"

Me:  *stares in boss*

Norton:  "Oh, right.  Another Abba binge."

Tina:  "This is the best job ever."

Me:  "We're going to commit great acts of piracy on the high bureaucracy."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 22, 2022, 12:36:50 AM
Today at work:

Tina:  "Billy says your title at your last place was 'wizard'."

Me:  "Billy talks too much."

Tina:  "So was your title actually 'wizard'?"

Me:  "Yes.  But I feel I should mention that my boss was under a lot of stress when he did that."

Tina:  "So yes."

Me:  "Yes."

Tina:  "So wizard me a sandwich, bish."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "This is hungry work."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 23, 2022, 12:26:39 AM
The ruckus at work today:

So imagine you're a 40 something private security guard who peaked in the Navy in 2000 or so, and you don't really think about the 20+ years of hamburgers between then and now.  And there's this hot new girl up in the <agency> office, fresh out of college.
So you find an excuse to go chat her up.

She doesn't seem to be receiving the message you're sending, and asks you to leave her office.  Heh.  Playing hard to get.  Keep chatting.
But there's a couple of things you didn't know.

1.  Her boss thoughtfully installed a panic button at everyone's desk.

2.  The panic button doesn't go to your clown coworkers.  No.  It goes somewhere else entirely.

And when you look up and down the hallway, there's Hamish coming from one direction, with a US Marshal behind him.

And the other direction has Sideways Dave, dancing to music only he can hear coming the other way.  700 pounds of angry humans are coming to explain to you, in terms you will understand, the error of your ways.

Fade to black.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on June 26, 2022, 09:21:26 PM
If there is no siren or fireman pole involved you're really not squandering that budget hard enough.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on June 26, 2022, 09:41:26 PM
Flying dogs would be a nice addition. Not that they're necessary. It's just that in these situations, excess is FUN.

(https://i.ibb.co/dPGZ3JL/f4bec904181c72d963a712bcf882af1f.jpg)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on July 03, 2022, 05:47:42 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 18, 2019, 10:53:24 PM
Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I recently took up archery, and, almost three years after you wrote it, that line suddenly makes perfect sense.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 04, 2022, 03:28:55 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on July 03, 2022, 05:47:42 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on September 18, 2019, 10:53:24 PM
Today, I was randomly assigned to the marketing group for "fresh ideas."

Clayton:  "Our new product is clearly superior to the existing products, but the market is saturated with older product.  We need ways to penetrate that market."

Doug:  "I wrote a new vision statement..."

Me:  "Shut up, Doug."

Clayton:  "Yes.  Shut up.  We are not here to write business plans or vision statements, we are here to come up with WAYS. TO MOVE. PRODUCT.  So instead of whatever Dilbert crap you have floating in your head, give me things that will actually get people to sit up and take notice."

Me:  "You can stab your enemies from 700 miles away."

I recently took up archery, and, almost three years after you wrote it, that line suddenly makes perfect sense.

That's quite a bow you have there.   :lol:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 07, 2022, 03:08:19 AM
So the Tina/Sideways bromance is coming right along.

There's nothing going on (Dave is not sexually interested in multicellular life), it's just that they're now besties.

A couple of things I have noticed about this:

1.  Tina is now a person that feels totally safe, which seems to make humans unreasonably happy and creative.

2.  The moving target has come to an arrangement with the T-Rex.  You should stay out of the swamps if you know what's good for you.  Just because Tina is safe doesn't mean you're safe.  Imagine if little Red Riding Hood had an arrangement like this with wolves.  Fuck that woodcutter creep, right?  Come around here and you'll get sent home in an ambulance.  Just kidding.  You won't be going home.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 08, 2022, 12:35:42 AM
Today at work:

Billy:  "Hey, Hamish, you remember my cousin Larry?"

Me: "Yeah, that's the one on the chamber of commerce, right?"

Billy:  "Not anymore.  He got assigned to tourism."

Tina:  "Tourism?  In TUCSON?"

Norton:  *wince*

Sideways Dave:  *GRIN*

Billy:  "Yeah, he's not the happiest man I know."

Me:  "We should help him.  We could think up slogans."

Tina (wild-eyed):  "Our official city sport is SKIN CANCER!"

SD:  "Tucson sex tourism!  Come to Tucson, GET FUCKED."

Me:  "The last vacation you'll ever need!"

Norton:  "Ride the majestic tarantula hawk!"

Me:  "Billy, aren't you going to write these down?"

Billy:  "Why?  He's on speaker phone."

Larry:  "Fuck you guys."

Tina:  "RUDE!"

Me:  "You're going to do great things, Larry."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 20, 2022, 12:09:38 AM
Tina:  "This sirocco bullshit you have in Tucson is CRAP!  The wind should NOT be hotter than the still air."

Me:  "We?  You grew up here.  You've never in fact left Tucson in your life."

Tina:  "Yes, but every year it's a fresh surprise.  It's like every July God calls up just to insult me."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "And my mom."

Me:  "..."

Tina:  "And my dog."

Me:  "Well, you're not wrong."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 20, 2022, 01:21:38 AM
Tina is amazing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 20, 2022, 04:41:59 AM
Quote from: altered on July 20, 2022, 01:21:38 AM
Tina is amazing.

She is.

What Tina doesn't know is that she is leaving Tucson after all this time, for a week, because I have unspent money and she needs to see Washington.

In August.

Anyway, she will be properly briefed about you lowlanders.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on July 20, 2022, 10:53:09 PM
The question is if she'll be properly armed to deal with us, really.

Still, exciting!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Brin on October 04, 2022, 07:42:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2022, 12:34:49 AM
I lost a dance off with the chief deputy US Marshall for the Southwest today.

My condolences on losing the Southwest to a cop. What region is the prize for the next dance off?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 05, 2022, 12:30:57 AM
Quote from: Brin on October 04, 2022, 07:42:18 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on February 12, 2022, 12:34:49 AM
I lost a dance off with the chief deputy US Marshall for the Southwest today.

My condolences on losing the Southwest to a cop. What region is the prize for the next dance off?

Pennsylvania.

Suck it, SCA freaks!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on December 10, 2022, 01:03:18 AM
Yesterday at work:

New hire starts. This is normal. He's a bit off. This is also normal. This place is home to ruffians, derelicts, the damaged and derranged. Those who do not belong realise quite quickly. It takes others some time.

New Guy's opening gambit: I love politics, but no one ever wants to talk about it.
Me: Well. That's unusual. I too, love politics and have no one to talk about it with. So, starter for ten, where are you on the scale then? Because I'm somewhere left of Chairman Mao.
He:Oh, err, I'm more the other way. Lefties don't get things done.
Me:There are holes where mountains used to be thanks to Mao. There's also a fantastic lefty invention and concept that got loads done. Ever heard of Equality in execution? Guillotine?
He:What?
Me: How do you feel about the idea of a maximum wage instead of a minimum one?
He:Bad?
Me:Consider the job you are here to do and consider what you are being paid. There is no progression here. There is no chance of advancement, training, success or anything positive. Would it not be nice to be paid a litte better?
He: Yes, but that won't happen.
Me:NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE COMRADE. RAISE THE RED FLAG.
He:What?
The angry Kurd: YOU WON'T GET ME I'M PART OF THE UNION
Me: PART OF THE UNION
He: Till the day I , wait what?
Me: He's joking, no one here is. It's more sort of a warring gangs culture.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 10, 2022, 02:24:00 PM
 :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 05, 2023, 12:40:47 AM
So today I got word that the chances of the house funding our work for this year are somewhere between Kanye West winning a Nobel Prize and McCarthy winning the speakership.

We were rather politely informed that we should probably start tidying up loose ends and removing personal objects from our desks.  Even Sideways Dave.  Especially Sideways Dave.  We are not fools, however, and we saw this coming.  I've managed to secure a position for us with an unsavory defense contractor who shall not be named, and the best part is, we're doing the same exact work.

Everyone is on board, except perhaps Tina, who has been approached by the Federal Marshal's Service.  Dave and I told her to do what she thinks is best.  Obviously, losing her from the working team would hurt, but it also never hurts to have a friend in the federal police when you do what we do.  She has told me she will give me an answer on Monday. 

So, bad news:  No job.

Good news:  New job, more money, same team, less oversight.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on January 05, 2023, 10:35:43 AM
like the saying goes, a cat always lands armed to the teeth with experimental explosive ordinance
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2023, 01:34:34 AM
First project for the new bosses.

Fucking MISSOURI, of all places.  There's this subcontracted factory there, which is supposed to make <widget> that is a critical part of <shiny new war crime>, only they aren't making very many, and half of what they DO make doesn't function properly.  Needless to say, this has left our new bosses concerned, because Goddamn, they love their <shiny new war crime>.

Turns out, subcontractor bought the factory to get the contract, and they got taken for a ride.  The plant's power is shit, their distribution is shit, their machine tooling is shit, and everyone is underpaid.

Now, does anyone else see the fatal flaw in underpaying people who make ultra-modern weaponry? 

So we spent Monday and Tuesday wandering around and taking notes.  Wednesday, we met with the owners.

Me:  "As much as it pains me to say so, I feel that you guys should be given a second chance.  A clean slate."

Owners/Sr Mgt:  *Look relieved. One even smiles*.

Me: "BUT."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me: "There are going to be some changes.  Rather drastic changes."

Owners/Sr Mgt: *alarmed look*

Me:  *details long list of upgrades to plant and equipment*

Owners:  *rage begins to grow*

Me:  *Details minimum compensation for employees*

Owners:  *Rage intensifies*

Me:  "Don't look at me like that.  You haven't earned the right to do so, and your ideas on sustainable profitability cause me to seriously question your status of 'bipeds'.  By which I mean your ideas are foolish and wrong.  Your employee turnover is bad for profitability and bad for plant security.  That's not good for anyone.  Anyway, the good news is, I figure the required changes are going to set you back about $16 Mn this year.  Stacked up against what you will make, that is fairly small potatoes."

Owner #2:  *starts to choke on coffee*

Billy:  "That's an alarming shade of purple, dude."

Tina:  "Just think of it as cutting the fat, Billy."

SD:  *GRIN*

Me: "Oh, and two members of my team will be remaining local for the rest of the year, just to keep you on the straight and narrow.  Billy and Norton have volunteered."

Norton:  "The fuck I did."

Me:  "Don't be stupid.  I asked your wives.  You get to live rent free for a year, you get to bring your families with, and you can just pile up cash while you handle *gestures vaguely at owners and sr mgt* these."

Billy:  "I'm down."

Owner #2:  "I don't have to take this shit."

Me:  "You are correct.  You don't.  You could in fact get yourself into a breach of contract with the big boys.  You're not hustling US Electric Boats anymore, or some hapless beltway bandit.  Now, I don't know if you know <corporation> very well, but I do.  They have a whole cube farm full of lawyers that are disappointed with their lives.  So, you have two choices.  You can either make money like Goddamn pharaohs, or you can be all butthurt and get sued until you wither up like George Burns.  You have to decide."

Owner #2:  "FUCK YOU JACK YOU DON'T..."

Owner #1:  *puts hand over #2's mouth.  "We accept."

Me:  "Then I guess our business here today is done."

Owner #2:  *glares*

Me:  "We're going to do great things to people, owner thing."

 
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on January 20, 2023, 02:29:07 PM
Owner 2 is probably going to try and sabotage everything at some point. Wait until he has a bad day (and I've lived in Missouri, you don't exactly have a fucking shortage of the days you should have stayed in bed) and catch him actively fucking things up on purpose and blaming your guys. If it's a REALLY bad day, he might decide he's in a movie and pull some dramatic stunt. No matter what, he will certainly yell "DON'T FUCK WITH ME" at least once in this time frame, while looking like a rampaging proboscis monkey.

I know his type. If you edge in on his territory, you are a demonic entity and need to be destroyed at all costs. No one tells him what to do. His buddy, Owner 1, probably is good at distracting him, but that's where the bad day part comes in. And yeah, they're definitely friends -- business-only, he'd bite that man's fingers right in front of you so he could tell you off.

I'm sure you're all very much aware of this, of course. I just think it would be impolite of Billy to not set up a camera in a side office, so you can laugh it up when your man tumbles into the ocean.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2023, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: altered on January 20, 2023, 02:29:07 PM
Owner 2 is probably going to try and sabotage everything at some point.

We're sort of counting on that.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Junkenstein on January 22, 2023, 04:28:07 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on January 20, 2023, 08:46:09 PM
Quote from: altered on January 20, 2023, 02:29:07 PM
Owner 2 is probably going to try and sabotage everything at some point.

We're sort of counting on that.

As are considerable chunks of Africa, Asia and the Middle East.

The remaining chunks are probably hoping owner thing #2 can deliver what he promised them.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 01, 2023, 06:31:32 PM
Tina:  "So Shiny New War Crime™ isn't really an accurate name for the project."

Me:  "Why not?"

Tina:  "It's shiny and it's new but I checked and it's apparently not against any of the international conventions."

Me:  "That's because nobody ever thought they'd need a rule about this.  The first time it gets used, it gets outlawed. Also, Shiny New War Crime™ is the name of the working group, not this project, as of today."

Tina:  "Why?"

Me:  "The money people get worried about names like that."

Tina:  "Okay, so what is the project name now?"

Me:  "500 Kg of Disproportionate Response."

Sideways Dave:  *GRIN*

Tina:  "I like it.  But how do we know it will be disproportionate?"

Me:  "Because this is to thermobaric weapons what thermobaric weapons were to a hand grenade. Unless you're using WMDs in general, this is disproportionate."

Tina:  "You finally didn't lie to us.  We ARE doing Great Things to people."

Me:  "There are no monsters here.  Back to work."

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on February 01, 2023, 06:40:30 PM
Fuck. "500kg of Disproportionate Response" could be my nickname. You could also call it "The Talionic Impulse" for similar reasons. (Google "bpd talionic impulse" if you don't get it.)

Anyway, moving Shiny New War Crime to the name of the working group has the benefit of remaining a true statement even if the current project gets shitcanned or superceded by the newer and shinier.

Finally, you have now put me to the task of figuring out the shortest and snappiest way of saying "It's not a war crime yet, but I can change that" so I can seed it into my personal catchphrases. Congratulations.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on February 05, 2023, 10:39:09 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 09:25:04 PM
So the new project has us counting lost man-years due to the pandemic (We're just past 19,000,000 man-years of knowledge/production, and we've really only done the simple stuff), but the really NEAT part is that between that and working with <gubmint org>, I am ALSO developing a real idea of how much actual communication occurs.

The answer, you may have guessed, is "Jack Shit."

This has sort of split me and my group off onto a tangent, and we have proven there was more information moved between government and NGO departments prior to email than there is today...When measured as "useful, actionable information."  And just like all the plebs, the decision-makers have to sort out the non-information/disinformation before they can make a decision, and that sorting is impossible in practice.

Nobody run Bartertown.  Bartertown functions in the same way a SCADA-operated system does if the front end crashes; it just keeps doing the same thing regardless of any changes to the situation.  Errors begin to multiply, and since nobody can do anything about those errors, everyone just pretends that the situation is normal and has always been like this; where "this" means "the current buggy situation with today's error values added".

Think of it as an anthill with a disabled queen, except ants don't bitch as much.  They just mindlessly keep doing whatever they were last instructed to do.

The best part of this is when I fuck off and visit debatepolitics.com and listen to fucking waterheads explain that some large, shadowy cabal controls society. 

No, you fucking morons, nobody controls society.  Some people THINK they do, but even they can't get anything done.

Nobody is driving the train, everyone's drunk in the club car.

https://twitter.com/NotBrunoAgain/status/1622349196006129664

Saw this Twitter thread, and I thought of the quoted post. Seems like the awareness that shit is not getting done is leaking, because of shitty AI. I imagine Howl horse-laughing.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on March 25, 2023, 03:13:04 AM
I am told that I have not lived up to expectations.  But today I launched a spare tire for skeet shooting.

Hamish,
Listed this as an expense with Thrash Unreal playing on infinite repeat.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 06, 2023, 04:27:39 AM
It's not every day that you get to work on something completely new.  Like, never been done before by anyone.

Relax, America.  We're going to solve everything with SCIENCE.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 08, 2023, 04:00:20 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on April 11, 2022, 09:25:04 PM
Nobody is driving the train, everyone's drunk in the club car.

They've been drunk in the club car for years. Their livers are totaled now, and all that that implies about their ability to hold their liquor.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 14, 2023, 03:05:51 AM
So, meeting with client and vendor.

Vendor's engineer:  "So this is capable of 10,000 foot-pounds of pressure, and..."

Me:  "What the fuck did you just say?"

Vendor's engineer:  "I said..."

Me:  "You said foot-pounds, like a Goddamn savage.  Like a benighted heathen, reveling in your primitive bullshit.  Around HERE, we use PROPER units.  Newton-Meters.  Like civilized human beings."

*Client GM and Ops dude grab my arms and start pulling me out of the room*

Me:  "And ANOTHER THING..."

*door closes*

*scene causes the vendor to drop their unit price by 15% in desperation*

*Client offers me a job*

*I accept*

*No more going to Goddamn Little Rock or Akron*

This is how shit gets managed, downtown.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on April 14, 2023, 07:33:11 AM
Nice, congrats man, I've heard of pounds per square inch used, why the fuck change it to foot? To make number bigger?
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 14, 2023, 05:47:11 PM
Newton-meters? Newton? Meters? Dok. Dok. Wake the fuck up. SNAP OUT OF IT.

It's Joules, man. Joules!

Anyway that is the best win-win-win ever conceived of.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Anna Mae Bollocks on April 15, 2023, 04:18:30 PM
I know diddly shit about foot-pounds vs. Newton Meters, but I see what you did there.  :lulz:
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 16, 2023, 02:45:08 AM
Quote from: Faust on April 14, 2023, 07:33:11 AM
Nice, congrats man, I've heard of pounds per square inch used, why the fuck change it to foot? To make number bigger?

Realizing I hallucinated answering this:

PSI and foot-pounds are not the same kind of unit. PSI is a measure of pressure: how much weight you feel in pounds per unit surface area in square inches. Foot-pounds is a measure of energy: 1 foot-pound is the amount of energy required to move a mass of one pound one foot in distance.

PSI is good for tire pressure, you can't sensibly measure that in foot-pounds.

Foot-pounds are good for muzzle energy of a firearm cartridge -- PSI could be used sensibly and is used for chamber pressures, but chamber pressure doesn't tell you anything about how fast the bullet is going (a round could have enough pressure to detonate the gun it's fired through without actually moving that bullet very fast).

The respective SI equivalents are Pascals (pressure) and Joules (energy).
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on April 16, 2023, 09:50:38 AM
Yeah I am familiar with most metrology, PSI is a common measure of pressure, foot pounds is what, imperial? I've never seen it used before even when we have a mix of SI or Imperial
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Faust on April 16, 2023, 11:15:36 AM
Makes sense as a common measure for firearms though
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 18, 2023, 02:42:31 AM
Quote from: altered on April 14, 2023, 05:47:11 PM
Newton-meters? Newton? Meters? Dok. Dok. Wake the fuck up. SNAP OUT OF IT.

It's Joules, man. Joules!

Anyway that is the best win-win-win ever conceived of.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Newton-metre

QuoteThe unit is also used less commonly as a unit of work, or energy, in which case it is equivalent to the more common and standard SI unit of energy, the joule.

We use NMs because no matter how many times you say "joules" the neckbeards in engineering spend a half hour sniggering.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: altered on April 18, 2023, 08:55:51 PM
You could always make them suffer, but I understand that there is science to be done.

(Also, I knew NM is exactly equivalent to Joule, but it's funny to overreact about.)
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on April 21, 2023, 02:18:07 AM
Today, at work:

Me:  "Tom, I know that I said all of that addressing would take 3 days."

Tom:  "Um"

Me:  "And here you did it in 10 hours.  AND found the vacuum leak."

Tom:  "Uh...Boss"

Me:  "So here's a positive letter for your file..."

Tom:  *waving a hand up*

Me:  *ignoring the hand* "AND you get tomorrow off with pay, AND here's a $500 bonus."

Tom:  "UM"

Me:  "Take the wife out to dinner or something.  Anyway, excellent work."

Tom:  "UHHH"

Me:  "What is it, man?"

Tom:  "My name is Mike."

Me:  *scratches name out on letter, writes "Rob" over it*  "There, all fixed."

And that, my friends, is how positive reinforcement works.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 10, 2023, 07:08:23 PM
My employees are weak, and will not survive the Tucson summer.

They complain about such little things ("I need my insulin, waah") and they make a horrible noise when you kick them and I never had these problems with the employees I used to have.

I have been trying to lure Billy and Norton over, but they have been in Missouri for too long and all they think about is money.  Tina has of course run off to the Federal Marshal's, Sideways Dave is now in charge of the city's drinking water, and I am stuck here in Tucson as the world ends.

So I must put up with my new underlings.  Normally this is not a problem, as new underlings are usually fun.  They are usually full of enthusiasm and grossly naive ideas of how the world works.  But not this mob.  They have permanent decision paralysis, screech when you say the word "work" and spend all the time we SHOULD be making shiny new war crimes huddled around the water cooler and talking about some red-headed madman.

I have this haunting suspicion that they are talking about me.  Which is crap.  I am sweet and reasonable and all I get is abuse.

So, I am not one to complain about problems without offering solutions.  First, I suspended the first person I saw setting up camp at the water cooler today.  Then I interviewed a potential manager for these feeble little hominids, and I got lucky on the first try.

James is a tiny man, but he is a menace.  He is a ball of rage and drive, and I spent the entire interview waiting for him to start gnawing on the table or his own arm or something.  He is truly fascinating, he looks like ALL of the angry Scots in the first big battle scene in that William Wallace flick 20 some years back.  So he will manage the engineers.  It is important to note that he himself is not an engineer, and doesn't even have a degree.  He's from maintenance, as I was, and he holds a bitter loathing for engineers.

The moral of this is of course to not complain about madmen, or the madman might find a bigger madman for you to enjoy.

Anyway, James starts on Monday.  Hilarity shall ensue.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 16, 2023, 02:38:19 AM
So today, I hired an engineer named Fatima.  She graduated last Friday, and she's a fucking genius.  She has no use for her parent's religion, nations as a whole, or your economic or political philosophy.  She just wants to make everything faster, self-reporting, and dangerous to domesticated primates.
She had me at hello.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on May 16, 2023, 03:38:51 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 16, 2023, 02:38:19 AM
She has no use for her parent's religion, nations as a whole, or your economic or political philosophy.  She just wants to make everything faster, self-reporting, and dangerous to domesticated primates.
The morality of the Machine God admits no notions of good or evil.  There is only the eternal striving towards optimization.  The purest of goals is to make the system faster, more powerful, more efficient, more automatic.  Who cares what the system is for, if it is perfect?

She sounds like a lovely person.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on May 16, 2023, 04:15:53 AM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on May 16, 2023, 03:38:51 AM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on May 16, 2023, 02:38:19 AM
She has no use for her parent's religion, nations as a whole, or your economic or political philosophy.  She just wants to make everything faster, self-reporting, and dangerous to domesticated primates.
The morality of the Machine God admits no notions of good or evil.  There is only the eternal striving towards optimization.  The purest of goals is to make the system faster, more powerful, more efficient, more automatic.  Who cares what the system is for, if it is perfect?

She sounds like a lovely person.

TESTIFY!
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 01, 2023, 03:05:17 AM
All I need at work right now is a 30 ton porta-power.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on June 15, 2023, 03:02:26 AM
Today I learned that the worst combination of words is "Naked-assed Tokyo Drift."

Glen is expected to make a full recovery.  Other than that, my day was great.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on July 08, 2023, 06:10:20 AM
Today at lunch:

Waitress:  "You guys come in here every day, and you speak English, but I don't understand any of it.  Like those blowlide things."

Fatima:  "Bolides."

Waitress:  "What are they?"

Fatima:  "If you do them right, they end world hunger."

And THAT, Ladies & Gentlemen, is why we call Fatima "The Chairman of the Board."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on August 10, 2023, 04:55:41 AM
So, there's the soul-less pizza party in the breakroom, and then there's the mandatory soul-less pizza party in the windowless breakroom.  With mandatory party hats.

I am not morally responsible for this. Fatima issued threats.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 12, 2023, 03:02:07 AM
Today at work:

Me:  "We hired a new engineer, Fatima.  He starts today, I need you to show him the ropes."

Fatima:  "Which ropes?  The ones in the..."

Me:  "No, the figurative ropes.  It's worth mentioning that he is a fetus.  I kept wanting to ask him if his parents signed the permission slip for the interview."

Fatima:  "Perhaps it is not that he is so young, but that you are old and feeble."

Me:  "I'll have you know I beat Samuel Beckett in a fight."

Fatima: *squints*  "Was it a fair fight?"

Me:  "Yes, I had a baseball bat and he had emphysema.  Anyway, here he comes."

Fatima:  "Good lord, he is an INFANT."

Me:  "He's a year younger than you."

Fatima:  "I was never young."

Scott:  "Hey, what's up?"

Me:  "Hey, Scott, this is Fatima.  She's going to be your mentor."

Scott:  "Hello, Fatima."

Fatima:  *scowls*

Me:  "Well, you seem to be getting along fine, I'm just gonna go to that meeting I just realized I needed to hold."

Scott:  "Um...What?"

Fatima:  "We're going to do great things."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 14, 2023, 01:16:19 AM
Today at work:

Scott:  "So it turns out the slide needs another 100 or so foot-pounds to operate properly, but..."

Fatima:  *slaps Scott up the back of his head*  "Use proper units, nerd.  Are you a savage?"

Me:  "Whoa, Fatima.  We have to talk about this.  You can't be hitting other employees."

Fatima:  *glares*

Scott:  "Um, I'm not complaining."

*Scott's eyes flick over to Fatima with The Look*

Oh, my.  Scott seems to have the world's worst case of Autassassinophilia.  This should be interesting going forward.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on September 15, 2023, 05:50:13 PM
Today at work

Me:  "Don't get pissed off at me, and I know you can take care of yourself, but I am required to ask you whether or not Scott following you around like a puppy dog is making you uncomfortable."

Fatima:  "It is not."

Me:  "You're sure."

Fatima:  "I have tentatively decided to not kill him."

Me:  "Wow.  You two are crushing hard."

Fatima:  "Crush?  Crush?  If you want me to show you a crush, come to the machine shop's press and I WILL SHOW YOU CRUSH!"

Me: "No, that will not be necessary.  On another subject, how is the project going?"

Fatima:  "Slow.  I need to do a live test."

Me:  "And just where would we do that without starting a war?  I mean, this thing is hard to miss."

Fatima:  *scowls* "details.  I need some explodey data."

Me:  "That's not even a word."

Fatima:  "It is the best word."


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 05, 2023, 12:48:16 AM
Hamish:  *does desk haka*

Scott:  "WTF?"

Fatima:  "He just got made a director and it seems to have driven him mad."

Hamish:  "MAD WITH POWER!"

Hamish:  *sticks tongue out, grimaces, roars*

Fatima:  "It's so sad when their aging minds give out."

Hamish:  "Be nice.  I know what you two have been up to in the altitude chamber."

Fatima:  "I will end you and they will never find the body."

Hamish:  "I gotta say, that is the laziest mile high club I've ever heard of."

Fatima:  *starts rage face*

Scott:  "You should run, boss."

Hamish:  *grimaces some more, makes chopping motions with his hands.*
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 19, 2023, 05:27:25 AM
Board member:  "Can you explain the video clip we just watched?"

Hamish:  "Yes.  That's two of my engineers fucking in the altitude chamber.  I would think that was obvious."

Board member:  "I can see that.  What are you going to do about it?"

Hamish:  "Get the janitor have him clean up, and give him a nice bonus."

Board member:  "No, what are you going to do with those engineers?"

Hamish:  "Nothing.  I'm a married man."

Board member:  "Don't play stupid with me."

Hamish:  "I never play."

Other board member: "WHY. ARE. THEY. STILL. WORKING. HERE?"

Hamish:  "Because normal people won't work here.  We make war crimes.  These kids are instrumental in said war crimes, and all they ask is for the use of the chamber once in a while."

Both board members:  "..."

Hamish:  "I also believe that we're looking at unrealized assets, here.  People would line up to pay to fuck in an altitude chamber."

Board member:  *turns red.  Hamish's job security is looking dicey*

Hamish:  "I mean, we only use that thing for like 3 hours a month, and that depreciation isn't getting any cheaper."

Other board member:  "Just get out.  Go back to work.  Or whatever you do when we're not here."

Board member:  "What DO you do here?"

Hamish:  "I find weasels who rat their buddies out to the front office, and then I come up with the hundred and *fifth* use for ballistic gel.  Look, this is really simple.  You allow minor perversions, and these kids will make really, really big perversions for you.  I mean, next to what we produce, what is a little hanky panky at 2500 meters?"

Other board member:  "Which part is giving you trouble?  The get part or the out part?"

Well, back to work.

Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on October 25, 2023, 12:58:18 AM
Things I said at work today:

"Well, I don't know why you would need the keys to the wind tunnel, Fatima, but I'm sure you have a good reason.  Here you go."

"No, I don't know why the camera for the wind tunnel went down.  Might be related to the altitude chamber camera problem."

"I'll wait til I get home to take a shit."  *Gets on I10*  *parks*  *nothing moves*  UNNNNNNNNNG
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on November 09, 2023, 10:03:43 PM
So Fatima and Scott will be out for a little while, because somehow they thought the vibe table would be a fun place to knock boots.

They are expected to make complete recoveries.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 21, 2023, 12:54:25 AM
So.  The board of the company I work for has entered terminal decision paralysis, the company officers are morons who think that eroding our capabilities is a good way to deal with lowered profits (ie, lay off your skilled labor so they run to the competition) instead of leaning into it and accepting some short term losses today to own the market tomorrow.  Our CPO actually said, with a straight face, "we must leverage our synergies" to improve purchasing BY MAKING THE ENTIRE GLOBAL ENTITY RUN *ALL* RAW MATERIAL PURCHASES THROUGH THE HOME OFFICE.  I found myself desperately trying to choke my computer out, because you apparently can't strangle anyone through the internet (note:  save this idea for the next round of proposals).

I work for bad people.  Not bad because we build the eschaton for a living, but because they are stupid, and decide - among other things - that randomly firing a skilled technician for a minor "infraction" that saved the company $15K is a good way to make everyone work harder.  And it has.  We're all working very hard on updating our resumes.

And then things got weird.  5 weird things, all today:

Scott and Fatima are back, only now they have wedding rings.  They got married the same day they were moved out of the ICU, apparently.  That is so Tucson, I don't even know where to start.

Billy tried to hire ME.  This is clearly out of the natural order.  And he's a monster.  I know this because I *built* that monster.  And I don't work for monsters, though I will often work for terminally stupid people.

One of the board members, all of whom are ancient & evil British people, pulled an Elvis and died on the toilet.  He had told his secretary that under no circumstances was he to be disturbed while he was in his office, so nobody was there to help him.  UNLIKE Elvis, through, he was wearing some kind of outfit that caused our stupid leadership to put out a global email saying that nobody should talk about it, because it didn't happen that way, you can't prove it did, so stop saying that.

There is now a 107th use for ballistic gel.

and

On the road home, I passed 3 multiple car pileups (and when I say I passed, I mean I slowly crawled forward in Baltimore traffic that somehow wound up here), 6 people on the side of the road with flat tires, and one cop jabbering into his cell phone wedge his car under the ass-end off a semi.

Everything is falling apart.  The center cannot hold. 

THE FUCKING WORLD IS COMING TO AN END, AND I AM STUCK IN TUCSON.


Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: chaotic neutral observer on December 22, 2023, 12:29:11 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 21, 2023, 12:54:25 AM

Scott and Fatima are back, only now they have wedding rings.  They got married the same day they were moved out of the ICU, apparently.  That is so Tucson, I don't even know where to start.


They were in the ICU?  I am morbidly curious as to how they had the shaker table programmed, and the type of injuries incurred, but... some things are better left unknown.

Quote
Our CPO actually said, with a straight face, "we must leverage our synergies" to improve purchasing BY MAKING THE ENTIRE GLOBAL ENTITY RUN *ALL* RAW MATERIAL PURCHASES THROUGH THE HOME OFFICE.  I found myself desperately trying to choke my computer out, because you apparently can't strangle anyone through the internet (note:  save this idea for the next round of proposals).

Our management has a fetish for something called a "single source of truth."

"Single source of truth" and "single point of failure" are strictly synonyms.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 22, 2023, 07:25:52 PM
Quote from: chaotic neutral observer on December 22, 2023, 12:29:11 PM
Quote from: Doktor Howl on December 21, 2023, 12:54:25 AM

Scott and Fatima are back, only now they have wedding rings.  They got married the same day they were moved out of the ICU, apparently.  That is so Tucson, I don't even know where to start.


They were in the ICU?  I am morbidly curious as to how they had the shaker table programmed, and the type of injuries incurred, but... some things are better left unknown.

Quote
Our CPO actually said, with a straight face, "we must leverage our synergies" to improve purchasing BY MAKING THE ENTIRE GLOBAL ENTITY RUN *ALL* RAW MATERIAL PURCHASES THROUGH THE HOME OFFICE.  I found myself desperately trying to choke my computer out, because you apparently can't strangle anyone through the internet (note:  save this idea for the next round of proposals).

Our management has a fetish for something called a "single source of truth."

"Single source of truth" and "single point of failure" are strictly synonyms.

How about "root cause of failure."

This usually boils down to "People demanding that there is a single source of Truth."
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on December 29, 2023, 02:16:59 AM
(Conversation with Pango this evening)

You sound like the wimps on our board of directors.
"NO, YOU CAN'T DROP TUNGSTEN RODS ON NEVADA AS A TEST."
"YOU LET THOSE TWO PERVERTS FUCK IN THE MASS CENTERFUGE? THEY JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL!"
"WHY IS THAT ON FIRE?"
They called me *mad*, Pango. I'll show them. I'll show them *all*.
Title: Re: The Compleat Billy Chronicles (thanks to Zenpatista)
Post by: Doktor Howl on February 10, 2024, 05:16:10 AM
Imagine my company as the Titanic.  You keep hearing groaning noises as the hull torques from the water in the front end.  Senior leadership is blowing holes in the side of the ship below the waterline to let the water out.
 
But I'm still getting a paycheck and the band is pretty good.