You know what I always say? "Always kill the mouthy one", that's what I always say.

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Topics - Hoshiko

For those of you who want to skip along, I give you my conclusion first, the Hoshi Trinity Revisited -

Yes, those are chopsticks. I suppose I'd better start at the beginning.

Well, first there was a craving for cookies, Russian Tea Cakes, to be exact. You don't actually eat them, you throw them at people and try to hit their pressure points. It's a bit like acupunctural curling, but honest work, baker's work, with the same meaty forearms but looking cleaner dusted with flour and vanilla in the air. Light smooth wooden rolling pins that shift with each revolution of the dough, possibilities.

And then there was Islam, yes, that Islam, and the once again clean scent, white cloth and high morals. No pork, looking a whole lot like my house on a Thursday when I do my laundry and cover myself with pillow cases like some sort of human clothesline until they cool down from the dryer. Love. Yellow light and laundry baskets with holes that everyone on earth (I don't care who you are) climbed into as a child and tried to race like they were supposed to magically sprout wheels or sled dogs. Society today: grimy floor, meat-like deposits in the intestines, empty wallet, survivor with flashing lights, broken bottles in fields deserted for years, bad shrimp. Religion: fabric softener and sniffing. The choice was clear.

Or not, because which to choose? I'm a good candidate, not too many vices and I love large echo buildings with statues. Knowledge, individual worth, respect for the human condition, all very good goals but I have problems: I don't like to believe in stuff. That whole pesky acknowledgement of something as fact, forever. That whole deity sitting patiently while I catch up with uncomfortable questions. Or worse, the endless impatience of hour upon hour spent quiet and searching my inner self, forcing my brain open with no provocation so that I can look and grasp at hypothetical connective straws. Even worse, and say it along with me folks, that whole other people believing the exact same thing thing, no deviation. Snoozefest.

So I've decided to create my own, and this is for you people who blink a lot, more than people should. It's for people who like the idea of digging tunnels underground but are too lazy, for grass sitters, for people who save empty bottles and don't know why, for people who like to open and close clasps over and over again. For those who find great meaning in a line drawn on newspaper. Pen clickers, rock sliders, authority runners, pot smokers, listen close, because I'm about to introduce to you Tommy "Fatty" Langtry, the Pudgy Preaching Pugilist.

Fatty was just an ordinary guy. He worked in a restaurant and swore a lot. He probably drank more than most people should. Fatty had one distinguishing characteristic, though. Although Fatty was a large man, and we're talking when he sat around the house he really sat AROUND the house, you know, although he was a fluffy, Fatty could knock a man down faster than Hoshiko sighting the post-it notes aisle (and that is no exaggeration, I'm thinking about getting help).

Tommy ultimately decided that God gave him a gift and he was going to use it to make so much money that he could be flush with stovies and beer for the rest of his life. How basely materialistic. So he traveled, knocking quite a few people out along the way using uncomfortable gloves and a sideways cracking turn of the head that always disoriented. He couldn't lose. No sooner would he punch the metaphorical stuffing out of one guy than another guy would be there to take the first guy's place, eyes dumb with the sound of the crowd, sitting stupid ducks. And Fatty, on tiptoes and lithe quick vicious, would swing once, twice, and the other man would go over hard (maybe groping for a rope a bit with his left hand, just to save face). Slaps on the back, women swooning, and our hero sitting there sweating, loving the attention. Then one day Fatty had an extra beating of the heart that startled, or he saw one face in the crowd contorted grotesque, or his back was not what it used to be and he started missing the heavy scent of a grease-sopped wood floor. Maybe he got tired of being exploited for what was, in the grand scheme of things, not too much money after taxes and expenses. Got tired of being a commodity. Despite the reason let's just say that he stopped, and he stood and said he would fight no more forever (quite literally) and he walked away out of the spotlight and into the alley, home on his mind and $500 in 20's down his shorts.

Now before you scoff and doubt the point of this endless story, let me just say that Fatty did exist, and you're looking at him above. Yes, feast your eyes on the hero of our tale, the Preaching Pugilist. Not only have I dug up a graven image for you all to worship and liken unto a god, but Fatty himself has agreed to come back from the dead for a limited series of speaking arrangements and teach us all the secrets he learned on this side and the next. He's doing this as a special favor to me, and all he asks is a little bit of cash for a stovie and your soul in increments. For a religion, it's a pretty good deal.

So go ahead Mr. Langtry and take your rightful seat up there on the stage, while I pass this collection tray around a bit to get us started.

Now if you'll all please open your dictionaries please to page 352, the Kangaroo entry, we can begin.
Combustible engine with waffle-iron parts and a transmittable gravy-train soul. Buying yards of ketchup cloth and zen garden tire space? No, this is easy baked plastic with worms cut out of the mold and multiple piped-icing levels.

Dregs of a floof-haired candy-stuck gentleman with a walking cane and slight rasp to his eye in the tiled walkway of a gym, dressed to the nines in suit and cap made to look like puff the magic dragon by a wee one. American processed but austrian-born, this person was catching slightly on hinges and walking in a manner that upset the changing room persons of stature, none of them slippery on the tiles but falling internally nevertheless. Only one good eye, lost in drywall.

Forsooth and to-go, he steadily creeps and crepes the way daintily, stepping on every third tile and no more, no less down the corridor until he reaches the diamonded and mildewed wall that signifies a very special encounter of the turning kind. Undeterred is his way, his peeping eye and shaking hand knows to guide his face to tilt and glance down the side mute and quiet, drumming scottish war ditties on his soul. A second twirl, back straight heels clicking and cane akimbo as he again makes his slow way down the gradual descent ramp, mouth quivering slightly now, hair floofing quickly now, whole self propelled by the scent of rubber cap spandex nylon and bare feet. A splish, splash, one last turn faster as the shoes scuffle hard against the grit and chemicals, and he reaches the space, dilation and light! sound! purpose finally. Running now, slipping like eggs on toast, and finding the purchase of his purpose on the sandy ledge of the 8 foot mark, head over heels over hair into the waiting arms of the 2:30 aerobic group mid mule kick. Taking 2 at a time, mouth open for chemical hydrating inhalation,  now rolling over the platinum bewetted hair of the cadre and planting his cane in and through a Ms. Betty Dafoe with a resound smack and smart. Having vanquished Ms. Dafoe to the 6 foot section infirm and agape, she of the bright red peonies, she of the cat that yowled, she of 18 woodland lane, a small bent walk and a street crossing away every day at precisely 2:19 pm for Droner, who picked and mutilated her petunias without compunction while she watered and primped them for the picking, having done so he turns his head and hurls one small wink her way with the left as hers widen and run black mascara grooves.

Droner then, mid-air and grinning, teeth hitting water with a slap and peeling back his lower lip at angle as he heads downwards and filter-bound, turning like a small child diver. Far past frantic squat legs and pink pig toes he glances up, drifting slow motion circles. His smile and air bubble fade simultaneously towards his destination as his sodden coat sucks flat into the drain at long last.



I want to write more like this later. It's kinda freeing.
I've wanted to do this for awhile.

Anyone want to do a photo contest?

The rules would be:

You can post 3 shots and 3 shots only. Obviously you can post more if you use a sock/troll. The shots are -

1) A building

2) A Macro (close up using the flower setting)

3) A strange perspective. One you don't see often, like the bottom of the couch (unless you're Enrico), etc.

Extra points for nudity, even more extra points for something really... interesting. Winner will be judged arbitrarily, and probably using mob rule. I don't want to leave those getting cameras for Presents Day, so let's say we have until the 30th.

You up?
Literate Chaotic / Poem-off- Deathmatch!
July 18, 2005, 06:10:54 PM
I wonder who would win in a fight...

Each person nominates 2 poems (good or otherwise) as their picks. When we have 20 or so we'll mix 'em up, draw them out of a hat, post them in pairs and let them fight it out.

I have no idea if this will work or not, but it sounds fun and let's face it, some poems are just beggin to get the **** kicked out of them.

I'm going to nominate Howl - Allen Ginsberg and Childe Roland to the Dark Tower came - R. Browning
Literate Chaotic / This might sound mean-
March 01, 2005, 11:05:06 PM
But I cannot wait for Salinger to die.

Don't get me wrong, I understand his reclusivness given the amount of negative attention he's gotten in the past, and I'd do the same in his position. I'm just really hoping for some post mortem releases.

On second thought, I might give the man another 10 years or so and then hope for death. The later years are usually the best regarding writing.
Literate Chaotic / Reference Desk
February 18, 2005, 09:10:42 AM
I thought it might be good to have a thread for basic reference sites. I totally ganked most of this from The Straight Dope, but I'll be adding more to it later.

Search Engines
Google: The de facto standard in search engines
dmoz Open Directory: Human-edited Internet directory which removes the chaff
Board Reader: Search message boards
Search Systems: Largest public records database
Every Rule: Contains rules for sports, games, etiquette, etc.

General Information and Reference
Reference Desk: Links to multiple reference sites
Library Spot: More links to more reference sites
Internet Public Library: Reference center laid out like a library
Librarian's Index to the Internet: Another library reference center
Britannica Online: A complete online encyclopedia
Information Please: Online encyclopedia and almanac
Notes and Queries: General Q&A of a wide range of topics
Internet FAQ Consortium: Links to Usenet FAQs of all types
Hitchhiker's Guide to our World: Based on the books, created by users

Urban Legends
Snopes: Comprehensive searchable list of urban legends
Urban Legends: alt.folklore.urban and urban legend archive

English Words, Language, and Literature
Bartleby: All things books
Questia: World's largest online library. Charges a fee, but they have 2 free books a week Dictionary and Thesaurus
Merriam-Webster Dictionary and Thesaurus: Word spelling, usage, and origins
alt.usage.english FAQ: info on usage and word origins
Pseudodictionary: Slang and colloquialisms
Origin of English Sayings: Where English idioms and sayings come from
Word Oddities and Trivia: All sorts of odd and interesting word facts
Puzzle Depot: Anagrams, puzzles, and wordplay
Anagram Engine: Create anagrams, solve crosswords, etc.
Searchable Plays of Shakespeare: Search the works of the Bard
Quotations Page: Searchable quotations
Project Gutenburg: Complete texts of non-copyrighted books
Bibliomania: Free online literature
Babelfish translations: Back-and-forth translations among major world languages
The Perseus Site: For classical Greek and Latin Literature
The Dictionary Page: Dictionaries for over 260 languages
Urban Dictionary: Dictionary for all those terms you can't ask your mother about
Latin Translator: A translator for beginners

Medicine and Health
Centers for Disease Control: Public health news and statistics
WebMD: Info on health and diseases
Go Ask Alice: Medical information and advice
PubMed Medline: Medical journals database

Science and Technology
Public Library of Science: Just getting started, but they make Scientific and Medical literature publicly available
The Last Word: Questions and answers on everyday science phenomena
Ask a Scientist: Search real answers to real science questions
How Stuff Works: Find out how all sorts of gadgets and processes really work
Mad Science Network: Online labs, science Q&A, and science info
Conversion of Units: Automatic unit converter
International System of Units: Introduction and information on SI units
Physical Constants: Numerous physical constant values & uncertainty
Web Elements: All about the elements
Bad Science: Debunking scientific fallacies
Bad Astronomy: Debunking astronomical fallacies
Heavens Above: Satellites and star charts
Hubble Telescope: Pictures from Hubble
Animal Diversity Web: All about animals

Eric Weisstein's World of Mathematics: Tons of information all about mathematics
The Pi-Search Page: Search for a string in Pi + links to download billions of digits
The Integrator: Online integrator from the makers of Mathematica
Numbers in Over 4500 Languages: Count in any language you want
Online Calculators: Not just for mathematics: calculations in numerous subject areas

Internet Movie Database: Everything you wanted to know about the movies
Ultimate Band List: Search for all kinds of music
Moby Games: Game documentation and review
Songtitle: Music from every TV commercial
Big Cartoon Database: Searchable database of cartoons
Simpsons FAQ: FAQ of
Television Without Pity: Irreverent reviews of popular US television shows
The Baseball Archive: Stats and history of baseball
Rotten Tomatos: Movie Reviews
Roller Coaster Database: Information on every roller coaster and amusment park in the world

Catholic Encyclopedia: Information on Catholic teachings
Judaism 101: Information on Judaism
King James Bible: Searchable KJV Bible
Online Bibles: Links to multiple Bible versions

Logic and Fallacies: Intro to arguments and logical fallacies

Government, Politics, and Law
Gov Spot: Links to hundreds of government entities
Vote Smart: Find out information about USA elected officials
UK Government Online: Links to all British government sites
Federal Government Central Directory: statistics gathered by USA government
US National Archives: Archives and records from all branches of the US government
Statistical Abstract of the US: USA Population census
Internet Guide to Law and Politics: Informative and current law-related Internet resources
Find Law: Law and legal resources
World Legal Information Institute: Legal precendents from around the world

Places and Maps
CIA World Fact Book: Information on numerous countries
Find a Grave: Find graves for all sorts of people
Map Quest: Maps from all over
Terraserver: USGS satellite imagery and topographical maps
Historical Atlas of the Twentieth Century
I loved these books when I was a kid, and I never seemed to grow out of them. They gain a little something with each reading, it seems.  I re-read all of my old Narnia's and Oz's and James Harriet's, but when I need some literary candy I more than likely reach for these.

One of the few scenes in a book that has EVER made me cry (and I've read many a sad depressing book) is when Gilbert almost died. The description of the Captain living in the lighthouse with his cat was pretty awesome too.

It made me want to become an old sailor in a lighthouse or live in Nova Scotia, anyway.

Who was that girl who herded the geese and was married to the guy with the mental disorder? I can't remember her name, but that killed me too, even if it was a bit of a Deus Ex Machina.